'Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.' 'General opinion makes out we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. I think that love is everywhere.' 'Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.' 'When the planes hit the Twin Towers, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge, they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that...' # I feel it in my fingers # I feel it in my toes # I feel it in my toes, yeah! # Love is all around me # All around me # And so the... (FEEDBACK) You did it again, Bill. It's just I know the old version so well, you know? Well, we all do. That's why we're making the new version. Right, OK, let's go. I feel it in my fingers # In my fingers # I feel it in my toes # Feel it in my toes, yeah # Love is all aro... Oh, fuck, wank, bugger, shitting, asshead and hole! Start again. # I feel it in my fingers # In my fingers # I feel it in my toes # Feel it in my toes, yeah # Christmas is all around me # All around me # And so the feeling grows # So the feeling grows # It's written in the wind # In the wind # It's everywhere I go # Everywhere I go-o # So if you really love Christmas # Love Christmas # C'mon and let it snow # Come on and let it snow... This is shit, isn't it? Yep. Solid gold shit, maestro. It's so late. It's just round the corner. You'll make it. Are you sure you don't mind me going without you? No. I'm feeling so rotten. I love you. I know. I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting. I know. Now go or you will actually miss it. Right. Did I mention that I love you? Yes. Get out, loser. Karen, it's me again. I'm sorry. I literally don't have anyone else to talk to. Absolutely. Horrible moment right now. Can I call you back? Of course. Doesn't mean I'm not concerned your wife just died. Understood. Bugger off and call me later. What's this big news? We've been given our Nativity play parts. Ohh! And I'm the lobster. The lobster? Yeah. In the Nativity play? Yeah. First lobster. There was more than one at the birth of Jesus? Der! Best sandwiches in Britain. Try my lovely nuts. Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady. Morning, my future wife. (SIGHS) OK, stop there, thanks. I'm gonna need a couple of orange gels. He introduced me as John, but everyone calls me Jack. Oh, fine. Nice to meet you. He got me right. I'm just Judy. Great, Just Judy. No surprises? No surprises. Not like the stag night. Unlike the stag night. Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake? I do. And it would've been better if they hadn't turned out to be men. True. Good luck, kiddo. (WILD CHEERING) Welcome, Prime Minister. Ohh! I must work on my wave. How are you? How are you feeling? Um, cool. Powerful. Would you like to meet your household staff? Yes, I'd like that very much indeed. Anything to put off actually running the country. This is Terrence. He's in charge. Morning, sir. Morning. I had an uncle called Terrence. Hated him. I think he was a pervert, but I like the look of you. This is Pat. Hello, Pat. Morning. I'm the housekeeper. Should be a lot easier with me than with the last lot. No nappies, no teenagers, no scary wife. This is Natalie. She's new, like you. Hello, Natalie. Hello, David. I mean sir. Shit, I can't believe I've just said that. Now I've said shit. Twice. I'm sorry, sir. It's fine. You could've said fuck, then we'd have been in trouble. Thank you. I had a premonition I'd fuck up on the first day. Oh, piss it. Right, I'll get my things, then let's fix the country, shall we? I can't see why not. It's alright. See what I did? Yes. Just went... blah! Hello, there. In here. OK. Good. Thank you. Ah. Oh, no. That is so inconvenient. 'In the presence of God, Peter and Juliet have made their marriage vows to each other. They've declared their marriage by the giving and receiving of rings. I, therefore, proclaim that they are husband and wife. (GENERAL APPLAUSE) At least you resisted the temptation for surprises. Yeah, I'm mature now. # Love, love, love # Love, love, love... Did you do this? Er, no. # Love, love... # There's nothing you can do that can't be done... Ohh! # There's nothing you can sing that can't be sung # There's nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game # It's easy. # All you need is love... (TRUMPET SECTION PLAYS) # All you need is love... (FLUTES TRILL) # All you need is love, love # Love is all you need! (SOLO) Hello. What are you doing here? I popped over to borrow some CDs. Did the lady of the house let you in? Yeah. Lovely, obliging girl. Yeah. I thought I'd pop back before the reception, see if she's better. This is good. Oh. Listen, um, I've been thinking. Perhaps we oughta take Mum out for her birthday on Friday. Whaddya think? I feel we've been bad sons this year. Sounds fine. A bit boring, but fine. Hurry up, big boy! I'm naked, and I want you at least twice before Jamie gets home. (MUSIC PLAYS / GENERAL CHATTER) Delicious delicacy? Er, no, thanks. Taste explosion? Food? No, thanks. Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it? It looks like a dead baby's finger. Mm, takes like it too. I'm Colin, by the way. I'm Nancy. Wicked. And what d'you do, Nancy? I'm a cook. Ever do weddings? Yes. They should've asked you to do this one. They did. God, I wish you hadn't of turned it down. I didn't. Right. I've worked out why I can never find true love. Why's that? English girls. They're stuck up. And I am, primarily, attractive to girls who are cooler, game for a laugh, like American girls. So I should just go to America. I could get a girlfriend instantly. What d'you think? I think it's crap, Colin. You're wrong. American girls would dig me with my cute British accent. You don't have a cute accent. Yes, I do! I'm going to America! You're a lonely, ugly, asshole! You must accept it. Never. I'm Colin, god of sex. I'm just on the wrong continent. Be quiet while we finish the lighting. I thought I'd never make it today. The traffic was - Unbelievable. Judy, take the top off this time. Lighting and camera need to know when we'll see the nipples and when we're not. OK. At least it's warm in here. It's not always the case. I was standing in for Brad Pitt once, Seven Years In Tibet... Yes. Bloody freezing. Sorry. Time's tight and we have to get the actors in. I promise I won't look. Right, let's have another go, please. Jerry says to put your hands on her breasts. Is that OK? Yes. I'll warm them up. And massage them, please. Right. It's junction 13 that's murder, isn't it? Total gridlock this morning. Jo and I had a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her requests, for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral, I was confident she expected me to ignore them, but others she was pretty damned clear about. When she first mentioned what's about to happen, I said, "Over my dead body," and she said, "No, Daniel, over mine." And, as usual, my darling girl and Sam's darling mum, was right. So she's going to say her final farewell to you, not through me but, inevitably, ever so coolly through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers. # Bye-bye, baby Baby, goodbye # Bye-bye, baby, don't make me cry # You're the one girl in town I'd marry # Girl, I'd marry you now if I were free # I wish it could be # I could love you, but why begin it? # Cos there ain't any future in it # She's got me but I'm not free so # Bye-bye, baby Baby, goodbye # Bye-bye, baby Don't make me cry # Wish I never had known you better... Do you love him? What? I thought I'd ask the blunt question in case you needed someone to talk to about it and no one'd ever asked so you'd never been able to talk about it. No. No is the answer. Absolutely not. # There's a wedding ring on my finger... So that's a no, then? Yes. Um, this DJ, what d'you reckon? The worst in history? Probably. I think it all hangs in the next song. Now here's one for the lovers. There's quite a few of you. # "Puppy Love" - Donny Osmond # And they called it puppy love... He's done it. It's official. Worst DJ in the world. Sarah's waiting for you. Oh, yes, of course. Um, great. Good, good. How are you doing? Are you settling in fine, learning who to avoid? Absolutely. Harry. Sarah. Switch off your phone and, er, tell me exactly how long it is that you've been working here. Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours? How long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer? Um, two years, seven months, three days and an hour and 30 minutes. I thought as much. D'you think everybody knows? Yes. D'you think Karl knows? Yes. Oh, that is... That is bad news. I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it. Like what? Invite him out for a drink, then, after 20 minutes, drop into the conversation the fact you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies. You know that?! Yes. And so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It's Christmas. Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Karl. Excuse me. (ON RADIO) # Ooh, come on and let it show... (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Babe. Absolutely. Fire away. Mia, would you turn that down? # If you really love me... What is that? That was Christmas effort by the once great Billy Mack. Oh, dear. How are the mighty fallen. I could put my hand up my arse and say that's the worst record I've heard this century. Oh, coincidentally, Billy will be a guest on Mike's show in a few minutes' time. Welcome back, Bill. Welcome back to the airwaves. New Christmas single cover of Love Is All Around. Except we've changed the word "love" to "Christmas". Yes. Is that an important message to you, Bill? Not really, Mike. Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives. And that's not you? That's not me. When I was young and successful I was greedy and foolish, and now I'm left with no one, wrinkled and alone. Wow. Thanks for that. For what? For actually giving a real answer to a question. It doesn't often happen at... Radio Watford. Ask me anything, I'll tell the truth. Best shag? Britney Spears. Wow. No, only kidding. She was rubbish. OK. How d'you think the new record compares to the old classic stuff? Oh, come on, you know as well as I do, the record's crap. Wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? Those young popsters, come Christmas Day, will be stretched out naked with a bird balancing on their balls, and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with my manager, Joe, ugliest man in the world, miserable because our gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we tried to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line. I think you're referring to, "If you really love Christmas..." "Come on and let it snow." Ouch. Here it is one more time, the dark horse for the Christmas number one, "Christmas Is All Around". Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new Prime Minister in trouble already? # I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in... OK, what's next? The President's visit. Ah, yes. This is gonna be a difficult one to play. Alex? There's a strong feeling in the party that we mustn't be bullied like the last government. Here, here. This is our first important test. Let's take a stand. Right. I understand that, but I have decided... not to. Not this time. We'll try to be clever, but America's the world's most powerful country. I'm not gonna act like a petulant child. Who d'you have to screw to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit? Right. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yeah, come in. These have just come through from the Treasury. Uh-huh. And these are for you. Excellent. Thank you. I was hoping you'd win, but I'd have been nice to the other bloke too. Just given him the boring biscuits with no chocolate. Thanks. Thanks, Natalie. (God! Come on, get a grip. You're the Prime Minister, for God sake.) What d'you reckon to our new Prime Minister, then? Oh, I like him. I can't understand why he's not married. You know the type. He's married to his job. Either that or gay as a picnic basket. Excuse me? Judy, just lower the nipples and keep them to the left. Um, I have to say, Judy, this is a real pleasure. It's lovely to find someone I can actually chat to. Thank you. Ditto. The move again, please, Judy. Oh, I'm sorry. Are you alright? Fine. Exciting news. What? I've bought a ticket to the States! I'm off in three weeks! No! Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin. No! Yes! (BEEPS HORN) Wisconsin babes, here comes The Colin! Whoo-hoo! No! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they're already going out with rich, attractive guys. Tone, you're just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar, anywhere in America, contains 10 girls more beautiful, and more likely to have sex with me, than the whole of the UK. That's total bollocks! You've actually gone mad! No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family. No, Colin. No. Yes! Net! Da! Nein! Ja, darling! The Christmas party. Not my favourite night of the year, and your unhappy job to organise. Tell me. It's basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole, and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled. Wives and family? Yeah. I mean not children, but wives and girlfriends, etc. Christ, you haven't got some horrible, 6ft, tight T-shirt-wearing boyfriend you'll be bringing, have you? No. I'll just be hanging round the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed. Really. Right. He now spends all the time in his room. He's there now. There's nothing unusual about that. My horrid son - Bernard? Bernard, stays in his room all the time. Thank goodness. Yeah, but Karen, this is ALL the time. I'm afraid that there's something really wrong, you know? Clearly it's about his mum but, Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know. At the age of eleven? Maybe not his eyeballs then. Maybe just the veins. The problem is, his mum always used to talk to him. I don't know. This stepfather thing seems suddenly to matter like it never did before. Listen. It was always going to be a totally shit time. Just be patient - and maybe check the room for needles. When he does come out, it's obvious he's been crying. It's just such a ridiculous waste. And now, if it's going to ruin Sam's life as well, I just don't know. Get a grip. People hate sissies. No one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time. Yeah. Absolutely. Helpful. So, what's the problem? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Huh? Maybe school? Are you being bullied? Is it something worse? Can you give me any clues? You really want to know? I really want to know. Even though you won't be able to help? Even if that's the case, yeah. OK. Well, the truth is, actually, I'm in love. Sorry? I should be thinking about Mum, and I am, but I'm in love. I was before she died. I can't do anything about it. (LAUGHS) Aren't you a bit young to be in love? No. Oh, OK. Right. Well, I'm a little relieved. Why? Because I thought it would be something worse. Worse than the total agony of being in love? Um, no, you're right. Total agony. (GROANS) PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. Your party! DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? I like it. Night, Sarah. Night, Karl. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Yeah. Absolutely. Free as a bird. Fire away. Alone again, naturally. I'll deal with it. Hm. Ah. Natalie. Sir. Thanks. Natalie. Um, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about us working in such close proximity every day and me knowing so little about you. It seems elitist and wrong. Well, there's not much to know. Well, um, where do you live, for instance? Wandsworth. The dodgy end. Ah. My sister lives in Wandsworth. Oh. Which is the dodgy end? At the end of the High Street. Harris Street. Near the Queen's Head? Yeah, that is dodgy. Um, and, erm, you live with your husband? Boyfriend? Three illegitimate but charming children? No. I've just split up with my boyfriend actually, so I'm back with my mum and dad for a while. Ah. Sorry. Nah, it's fine. I'm well shot of him. He said I was getting fat. I beg your pardon? He said no one's gonna fancy a girl with tree trunks thighs. Not a nice guy actually. In the end. Ah. You know, um, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered. Thank you, sir. I'll think about it. Do. The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless, trained killers are just a phone call away. Oh, God. Did you have this kind of problem? Yeah, of course you did, you saucy minx. So, we can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once too. So, come on, it's someone at school. Right? Yeah. Uh-huh, good. Good. What does she, he, feel about you? SHE doesn't even know my name. Even if she did she'd despise me. She's the coolest girl in school. Everyone worships her because she's heaven. Good. Good. Well, basically, you're fucked, aren't you? (WILD CHEERING) And welcome back. So, Billy, three weeks till Christmas. Looks like the competition's gonna be Blue. I saw them on this show last week. They weren't nice about my record. No. Little scamps. But very, very talented musicians. Yeah. Er, I understand you've got a prize for our competition winners. Yes, I have, Ant or Dec. It's a personalised felt-tip pen. Oh, great. It's brilliant. It even writes on glass. So if you've got a framed picture like this one, of Blue, you can just write on it. Er, a lot of kids watching, Billy. Oh, yeah. Hiya, kids. Here's an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free. And I do believe it's a commercial break! We'll see you soon. Bye-bye. Look at him. Euch! Actually, they're not funny. They're art. (ALL LAUGH) OK, let's say Thursday, my place? "Great." Juliet's on the other line. Can I patch you through? She wants to ask you a favour. OK, fine. Thanks. And be nice. I'm always nice. "You know what I mean. Be friendly." I'm always - "Mark?" Hi. How was the honeymoon? Great. Thanks for the gorgeous send-off. What can I do for you? It's only a tiny favour. The wedding video's a disaster. It's all blue and wibbly. Sorry. I remember you filming a lot. Can I look at your stuff? No. To be honest, I didn't - "Please?" I just want one shot in a dress that isn't turquoise. I'll have a look, but I'm pretty sure I wiped it, so don't get any hopes up. Must go. (LINE GOES DEAD) Any progress with our match-making plans? No. I've done fuck all, and never will, cos he's too good for me. How true. Ouch. Stop. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Then, of course, your mobile goes. Hello. Hi. How are you doin'? So, how's the Christmas party going? Good. I think I've found a venue. A friend works there. What's it like? Good. It's an art gallery, full of dark corners for doing dark deeds. Oh. Right. Good. Well, I suppose I should take a look at it or something. You should. Bonjour, Eleanor. Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett. Welcome back. And this year you bring a lady guest? A change of situation. Just me. Oh. Am I sad or not sad? I think you're not surprised. You stay here till Christmas? Yeah. Good. I find you a perfect lady to clean the house. This is Aurelia. Ah. Er, bonjour, Aurelia. Bonjour. Er, je suis tres heureux de vous avoir ici. Unfortunately, she cannot speak French, just like you. She's Portuguese. Ah. Buongiorno. Er, Eusebio. Er, molto bueno. She's 10 years too young to remember there was a footballer called Eusebio. And molto bueno is Spanish. Right. Anyway, it's nice to meet you. Perhaps you can drive her home at the end of her work. Absolutely. Condonde plesora. Which is what? Turkish? Bello. Er, bella. Er, montagnes arbere... No, right, silence is golden, as The Tremeloes said. Clever guys. Although I think the original version was by Frankie Valli And The Four Seasons. Great band. (HUMS) Oh, shut up. (AMERICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS) Mr President, welcome. A pleasure meeting you. Come on through. Sorry your wife couldn't make it. So did she, although she'd have been lonely. Yes. Pathetic, isn't it? Never been able to tie a girl down. Not sure if politics and dating go together. I never found that. The difference is you're still sickeningly handsome, whereas I look like my Aunt Mildred. I'm jealous of your plane. Thank you. We love that thing. Ah, Natalie. Hi. Morning, ma'am. How's your day so far? (GIGGLES) Excellent. Oh, my goodness. That's a pretty little son of a bitch. Did you see those pipes? Yeah, yeah. She's terrific. Absolutely not. We cannot, and will not, consult on that either. That is unexpected. Well, it shouldn't be. The last administration made it perfectly clear. We're just being consistent with their policies. With all respect, sir, they were bad policies. Thanks, Alex. I don't think we're making progress. Let's, um, move on, shall we? Well, now, that was an interesting day. Sorry if our line was firm, but there's no point tip-toeing around today and disappointing you for four years. I have plans, and plan to see them through. Absolutely. One final thing we should look at. It's close to my heart. Give me a second. I'll give you anything you ask for, as long as it's not something I don't wanna give. Hi. (Pathetic!) It's great Scotch. I'll, um, I'll be going then. Er, Natalie? I hope to see much more of you as our two great countries work toward a better future. Thank you, sir. (CAMERA SHUTTERS WHIR) Er, yes, Peter? Mr President, has it been a good visit? Very satisfactory indeed. We, er, got what we came for. And our special relationship is still very special. And Prime Minister? I love that word "relationship". It covers all manner of sins. I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, um, Britain. We may be a small country, but we're a great one, too. A country of Shakespeare, Churchill, The Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. (ALL LAUGH) David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot come to that. A friend who bullies us is no longer a friend, and since bullies only respond to strength, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that. (BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS / CAMERA SHUTTERS WHIR) It's your sister on line four. Alright. Yes, I'm very busy and important. How can I help? Are you insane? You can't be sensible all the time. "You can if you're PM." The Chancellor's on the other line. No, it isn't. "I'll call you back." No, you won't! Ohh! The trouble with being the Prime Minister's sister is it puts your life into rather harsh perspective. What did my brother do today? Fought for his country. And what did I do? I made a papier-mache lobster head. What is this we're listening to? Joni Mitchell. I can't believe you still listen to Joni Mitchell. I love her. And true love lasts a lifetime. She's the woman who taught your cold English wife how to feel. That's good. I must write to her sometime and says thanks. Which doll shall we give Daisy's friend? The one that looks like a transvestite, or looks like a dominatrix? (RADIO) "It's almost enough to make you feel patriotic, so here's one for our arse-kicking Prime Minister. He'll enjoy this. A golden oldie for a golden oldie. # Hold me, I'll give you all that you need # Wrap your love around me # You're so excited, I can feel you getting hotter, oh baby! # I'll take you down, I'll take you down # Where no one's ever gone before # And if you want more, if you want more, more, more! # Then jump... for my love # Jump in and feel my touch # Jump! If you want to taste my kisses in the night, # then jump for my love # I'll take you down, I'll take you down # where no one's ever gone... Yeah. Um, Mary, I've been thinking. Can we move the Japanese Ambassador to four o'clock tomorrow. Certainly, sir. Terrific. Thanks so much. Um, would you like the last...? That's alright. More for me. I'm very lucky. I've got one of those constitutions where I never put on weight. (PHONE RINGS) Hello. (CONTINUES RINGING) Ooh. Sorry. (CONTINUES RINGING) Hello. Thank you. Argh! Ohh! (SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE) Oh, God, it's half the book. No! Just leave them! Please? They're not important! They're not worth it! Stop! Stop! (WHIMPERS) It's all just rubbish! Just leave it. Oh, God, she's in! Argh! She'll think I'm a total spaz if I don't go in too. Fuck, it's freezing! It's not worth it. It isn't bloody Shakespeare! Just stop! I really must do copies. There better not be eels in here. Oh, God, what the hell is that?! Ohh! Thank you. Thank you so much. I know, I'll name one of the characters after you. Or I could give you 5% of the profits. (IMITATES WEEPING) Or, um,... (LAUGHS) Uh, or... Romance? Ah-ah. It's, um, whack, whack, whack. Um... Yes, si. Crime. Crime. Er, murder. Scary? Er, yes, sometimes scary. Er, sometimes not. Mainly scary how bad the writing is. Sure. Sure. It's my favourite time of day, driving you. Oh. "Coming up later this morning, it's this guy." # There's no beginning, there'll be no end, cos... (DOORBELL) "The bad grandad of rock and roll here at 10:30. Do not switch off." (SWITCHES OFF) Banoffee pie? No, thanks. Thank God. You'd have broken my heart if you'd said yes. Right. Well, lucky you. Can I come in? Yeah, well, I'm a bit busy. I was just passing and thought we might check that video thing out. I thought I could swap it for some pie, or maybe Munchies? I was being serious. I don't know where it is. I'll have a poke around tonight. Mark, can I say something? Yeah. I know you're Peter's best friend and I know you've never particularly warmed to me. No, don't argue. We've never got friendly. But I just wanted to say I hope that can change. I'm nice, I really am, apart from my terrible taste in pie. It would be great if we could be friends. Absolutely. Absolutely. Great. It doesn't mean we'll be able to find the video, though. I searched when you first called. Couldn't find any trace of it, so... One here says, "Peter and Juliet's wedding." D'you think we might be on the right track? Oh, yeah. Wow. That could be it. D'you mind - I probably taped over it. Almost everything's episodes of West Wing. Oh. Oh, bingo. That's lovely. Well done, you. Oh, that's gorgeous. Thank you so much, Mark. This is exactly what I was hoping for. I look quite pretty. You've stayed rather close, haven't you? They're all of me. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. But... you never talk to me. You always talk to Peter. You don't like me. I hope it's useful. Don't show it around too much. Needs a bit of editing. Look, I've gotta get to a lunch. Early lunch. You can just show yourself out, can't you? It's, er, a self-preservation thing, you see? # Oh, I am what I am # I'll do what I want # But I can't hide # And I won't go # I won't sleep # And I can't breathe until you're resting here with me # And I won't leave # And I can't hide # I cannot breathe # Until you're resting here # And I won't go # And I won't sleep # And I can't breathe # Until you're resting here with me... # (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yeah? Annie, my darling, my dream, my boat. Could you do me a favour? Of course. Anything for the hero of the hour. Don't ask my why and, for heaven's sake, don't read stuff into this, it's just a weird personality thing, but you know Natalie who works here? The chubby girl? Ooh, would we call her chubby? I think there's a pretty sizeable ass there, yes. Huge thighs. Yeah. Well, whatever. Um, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I wonder if you could, um, redistribute her. It's done. Hey, Samo. Can't sleep? I got some terrible news today. Let's have it. Joanna's going back to America. Your girl's American? Yes, she's American. She's not my girl and she's going back to America. That's the end of my life as I know it. That is bad news. Well, we need Kate and we need Leo, and we need them now. Come on! Hold on. Hold on. Keep your eyes closed. D'you trust me? I trust you. D'you trust me? I trust you. Fool! (GIGGLES) Get off me! Bully! Alright. Open your eyes. You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us. There was for Kate and Leo, there was for you, and there is for me. She's the one. Fair enough. And her name's Joanna? Yeah, I know. Same as Mum. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yep! Prime Minister. Thank you very much. Oh, apa... Um, apalogia. Grande... Grande familio. Grande Christmas presents. Well, goodbye. Um, it was, um... (ENGINE STARTS) (CAR HORN/ METALLIC CRUNCH!) # You know I love Christmas, I always will # My mind's made up # The way that I feel # There's no beginning, there'll be no end # Cos on Christmas # You can depend... Daniel! I have a plan! Thank the Lord! Tell me. Girls love musicians, don't they? Uh-huh. Even the weird ones get girlfriends. That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl. Whatever. There's this big end-of-term concert. Joanna's in it. I thought, if I was in the band and played superbly, she might fall in love with me. Whaddya think? It's brilliant. I think it's stellar, apart from the one obvious, tiny little hiccup. I don't play a musical instrument? Yes. A tiny, insignificant detail. (DRUM TAPS) # You look into my eyes, I go out of my mind # I can't see anything cos this love's got me blind # I can't help myself, I can't break the spell # I can't even try # Baby, I'm too lost in you, caught in you # Lost in everything about you # So deep I can't sleep, I can't... I suppose I'd better go and do the duty round. You're a saint. # Think about the things that you do I do # Lost in you... Any chance of a dance with the boss? Yeah, sure, sure. As long as your boyfriend doesn't mind. Not my boyfriend. # Help me, baby Help me, baby # Help me, baby Help me, baby! # I'm too lost in you, caught in you... You're looking very pretty tonight. # Lost in everything about you... It's for you. Sorry? It's all for you,... sir. # I'm too lost in you Baby, baby, baby! # I'm too lost in you, caught in you # Lost in everything about you # So deep I can't sleep... "This must be a very exciting moment, fighting for the Christmas number one. How's it looking so far? Very bad indeed. Blue are out-selling me five to one, but I'm hoping for a late surge. (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) And if I reach number one, I promise to sing a song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve. D'you mean that? Course I do. D'you want a preview, you old flirt? (ALL LAUGH) That'll never make number one. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) It's his job to dance with everyone, isn't it? Some more than others. Just one dance before we run out of chances? Who, me? Unless you just - No, no! Good. Yes. Thanks. (SLOW DANCE MUSIC) # Like a flower # Waiting to bloom # Like a light bulb # In a dark room # I'm just sittin' here # Waiting for you-oo-oo to come on home # And turn me on # Like the desert # Waitin' for the rain # Like a school kid # Waitin' for the spring # I'm just sittin' here # Waitin' for you to come on home Well, then, I better go. OK. Good night. Good night. Actually, I don't have to go. Right. Good. I mean... No, t-that's good. That's good. Just, um, would you excuse me for one second? Sure. One second. Um, OK, that's done. Um, why don't you come upstairs in about ten seconds? Ten seconds. Ten seconds. # For you # There'll be no crying # For you-oo-oo # The sun will be shining # Cos I feel that way about you-oo... Just... tug it. OK. # And the songbirds # Keep singing # Know the score # And I love you, I love you, I love you... You're beautiful. # Like never before... (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) I... I'd better answer that. Hello. Hi, hello, darling. No, no, I'm not busy. No, fire away. Right. I-I'm not quite sure it's gonna be possible to get the Pope on the phone tonight. Yes. Yes, I'm sure he's very good at exorcism, but... I'm sure Jon Bon Jovi is as well, and I'll definitely look into it. OK? OK, I'll talk to you later. Alright. Bye-bye. Sorry about that. No, it's fine. It's my brother. He's not well. He calls a lot. Sorry. It's fine. I mean, it's not really fine. It is what it is, and there being no parents and us being over here, it's my job to keep an eye on him. Not my job. I'm glad to do it. That's OK. Life is full of interruptions and complications. So? (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Will it make him better? No. Then maybe don't answer. (CONTINUES RINGING) Hey, how are you doin'? Mm, right, right. Oh, no. Oh, please. Please, please don't, little darling. Between the two of we'll find the answer and it won't hurt any more. No, no. I'm not busy. Of course, if you want me to come over, I will. Mm-hm. OK. That was a good night, except I felt fat. Don't be ridiculous. It's true. Nowadays, the only clothes I can get into were once owned by Pavarotti. I always think Pavarotti dresses very well. Mia's very pretty. Is she? You know she is, darling. Be careful there. Have you been watching stuff on TV? Yeah. Every night. Oh, good. Every day. The nurses are trying to kill me. Nobody's trying to kill you, Ben. Thank you. Don't do that, my darling. Thank you. Don't do that. Right, back at three. Christmas shopping, never an easy or a pleasant task. Are you gonna get me something? Er... I dunno, I hadn't thought. Where's Sarah, by the way? Couldn't make it in today. Family thing. There's a word for "hangover" I've never heard before. See you later. Yes. Looking forward to it. SOFTLY: A lot. So, are you gonna give me something? I thought I made it clear last night. When it comes to me, you can have everything. "So, um, what d'you need? Something along the stationery line? Are you short of staplers? No. I don't want something I need. I want something I want. Something pretty. Right. Right. Sorry I'm late. Had to drop off Bernie at rehearsals. Right. Listen, keep yourself occupied for 10 minutes while I go and do the boring stuff for our mothers. Thank you. Looking for anything in particular? Yes. That necklace there, how much is it? It's �270. Erm, alright. Er, I'll have it. Lovely. Would you like it gift-wrapped? Er, yes, alright. Lovely. Let me just pop it in the box. There. Look, could we be quite quick? Certainly, sir. Ready in the flashest of flashes. There. That's great. Not quite finished. I don't need a bag. I'll put it in my pocket. This isn't a bag. Really? This is so much more than a bag. Ooh. Could we be quite quick, please? Prontissimo. What's that? A cinnamon stick, sir. Actually, I really can't wait. Oh, you won't regret it, sir. Wanna bet? It is but the work of a moment. There. Almost finished. Almost? What, you're gonna dip it in yoghurt, cover it with chocolate buttons? No. We'll pop it in the Christmas box. I don't want a Christmas box. You wanted it gift-wrapped. I did - This is the final flourish. Can I just pay? All we need now - Oh, God! Is a sprig of holly. No! No bloody holly! But - Leave it. Leave it. Ohh! Loitering round the jewellery section, I see. No. I was looking around. Don't worry. My expectations aren't that high after 13 years of Mr Oh-But-You-Always-Love-Scarves. Hey! What are you doing here? I had to rent out my flat to pay for my ticket. You're going ahead with this genuinely stupid plan? Yeah. You think this backpack's full of clothes? Like hell it is. It's chock-a-block full of condoms. Excellent. Excellent. Perfect. Keep that going. (CLEARS THROAT) Look, sorry to be a bit forward and all that, but you don't fancy going for a Christmas drink, do you? Nothing implied at all. Um, maybe go and see something Christmassy or s-something. Obviously, if you don't want to.. I'm rambling. Sorry. No. That would be lovely. Oh. Great. Yay! That's great. Normally I'm really shy. Takes me ages to get the courage up, so thanks. (LOUD DRUM TAPS) Explain again why you're so late. Oh, for heaven sake, can't a man have any secrets? We've been waiting for hours. It's the first-ever preview. It was a starry night in ancient Jerusalem, and the baby Jesus was in his manger. You'll come back a broken man. Yeah. Back broken from too much sex! You're on the road to disaster. No. I'm on Shag Highway, heading west! Farewell, failure! America, watch out! Here comes Colin Frissell, and he's got a big knob! # "Smooth" - Santana Take me to a bar. What kind of bar? Just any bar. Just your average American bar. Can I help you? Yes. I'd like a Budweiser, please. The king of beers. One Bud comin' up. Oh, my God. Are you from England? Yes. Ohh! That is SO cute. Hi. I'm Stacey. Jeannie? Yeah? This is...? Colin. Frissell. Cute name. Jeannie. He's from England. Yep. Basildon. Oh. Oh. Wait till Carol-Anne gets here. She's crazy about English guys. Uh-huh. Hey, girls. Carol-Anne, come meet Colin. He's from England. Well, step aside, ladies. This one's on me. Hey, gorgeous. (GROWLS) You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You need data ` for dating sites, like Honey Badger. (LAUGHS) You do have a girlfriend. You need less data and more calls ` lovey-dovey calls. # You make me... # You don't have a girlfriend again. She won't return your calls. You need more text. Things change. Now your Prepay can too. Get more of what you need and less of what you don't with Vodafone My Flex Prepay. What d'you call that? A bottle. (MIMICS ACCENT) Bottle. What about this? Er, straw. (ALL) Straw! What about this? Er, table. Table? It's the same. Same. Where are you staying? I don't know. I'll check into a motel, like they do in the movies. Oh, my God! That is SO cute. Listen. This may be pushy cos we just met you, but why don't you come back and sleep at our place? Yeah! Yeah. Well, it's not too much of an inconvenience? Hell, no. But there's one problem. What? Well, we're not the richest of girls, you know, so we just have a little bed and no couch. So, you'd have to share with all three of us. On this cold cold night it's gonna be crowded and sweaty and stuff. And we can't even afford pyjamas. No? Which means we would be naked. No. No, I think it'd be fine. Great. The thing that's gonna make it more crowded. Mm. Harriet. You haven't met Harriet. There's a fourth one? Yeah. Don't worry, you'll like her, cos she is the "sexy" one. Really? Yeah. Wow. Praise the Lord! And he's a Christian. (ALL LAUGH) Cheers. Cheers! # If I could, then I would # I'll go wherever you will go # Way up high # Or down low # I'll go wherever you will go # If I could turn back time... # (GIGGLING) One present only each tonight. Who's got one for Dad? I have. Let Mummy go first. I'll get it! No, no! I want to choose mine. I think I want this one. I have, of course, adhered to the traditional scarf as well, but this is my other slightly special, personal one. Thank you. That's a real first. Rip it! What is it? I'm going to... Alright, I'll rip it. God, that's a surprise. What is it? It's a CD. Joni Mitchell. Wow. To continue your emotional education. Yes. Goodness. That's great. My brilliant wife. Ah, yes. Actually, um, d'you mind if I absent myself for a second? All that ice cream. Darling, could you make sure the kids are ready to go? I'll be back in a minute. # Moons and dunes # And Ferris wheels # The dizzy, dancing way that you feel # As every fairytale comes real # I've looked at love that way # But now it's just another show # And you leave 'em laughing when you go # And if you can, don't let them know # Don't give yourself away # I've looked at love from both sides now # From give and take # But still somehow # It's love's illusions that I recall # I really don't know love # I really don't know love at all # Tears and fears and feeling proud # To say "I love you" right out loud # Dreams and schemes and circus crowds # I've looked at life that way # Ah, but now, old friends... Oh, my God! It's a miracle! You're all dressed! # And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed # Well, something's lost but something's gained # In living every day... Has she noticed you yet? No. But the thing about romance is, people only get together right at the very end. Of course. By the way, I feel bad. I never ask you how your love life is going. Ha-ha! No, as you know, it was a done deal long ago. Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls. In which case, I want you out of the house straight away, you motherless mongrel. Oh. We'll want to have sex in every room, including yours. "It's a rainy Christmas Eve, and the big question is, who's number one on the Radio One chart show?" Is it Blue, or the unexpected Christmas sensation from Billy Mack? "You might have guessed it although you may not believe it, it's Billy Mack!" (WILD CHEERING) You are the champion! Ssh! "Hi, Billy." Hello. "We're live across the nation, and you're number one!" "How will you celebrate?" I don't know. I could behave like a rock and roll loser and get drunk with my fat manager... (ALL LAUGH) Or, when I hang up, I'll be flooded by invitations to a large number of glamorous parties. "Let's hope it's the latter. Here it is, No 1 from Billy Mack, it's "Christmas Is All Around." Jesus, not that crap again! # I feel it in my fingers... Bill! It's for you, babe. Hello. Elton. Of course. Of course. Send an embarrassingly big car and I'll be there. (ALL LAUGH) It's gonna be a very good Christmas. (ALL CHEER) I'd better be getting inside actually. My mum and, you know? Yeah. It's getting a bit cold. Um, well, goodnight. Night. Er, OK. All I want for Christmas is you. Right. Thank you. Good. Goodnight. (LAUGHS) Ho! # I # I'm dreaming # Dreaming of a white... (DOORBELL) Oh, look, everyone, it's Uncle Jamie! # White Christmas... (ALL CHEER) Yes, splendid. It's lovely to see you all. # Like the one... And, er... # I used to know... I'm off, actually. But, Jamie, darling. Sorry. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. I hate Uncle Jamie! I hate Uncle Jamie. I hate Uncle Jamie! # I tried to listen # To me # If all the sleigh bells that are ringing in the snow... Gatwick Airport, please, as fast as you can. # I wanna tell you one more time what I'm thinking about # I, I, I... # I'm dreaming # Of a white... Goodnight, Sarah. Night, Karl. I, um... Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. # I want you to know, may your days # May your days be so merry, merry and bright... Hi, babe, how's it going? Yeah, is it all party, party, party down there? # ..all of your Christmasses # And may all # And may all of your Christmasses # May your days, may your days # Be merry # Merry # So merry... Sam! Time for dinner. I'm not hungry. Sam, I've done chicken kebabs. Look at the sign on the door. (DRUM TAPS) # ..your Christmasses... Right. # Be so white... # I'm dreaming of a white... It's a little long. # Dream # Dreaming of a white, white Christmas... (DOORBELL) I'll get it. Oh, hi. Who is it?! It's carol singers! Give 'em a quid and tell 'em to bugger off! (TV ON) # Silent night # Holy night # All is calm # All is bright # Round yon virgin # Mother and child # Holy infant # So tender and mild # Sleep in heavenly peace # Sleep in heavenly peace # Silent night # Holy night # Shepherds quake # At the sight SOFTLY: Merry Christmas. # Glories stream # From heaven afar # Heavenly hosts sing hallelujah # Christ the saviour is born # Christ the Saviour is born... # Enough. Enough now. (VOLUME OFF) (BUZZER) What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at Elton John's. I was there for a minute or two, then I had an epiphany. Really? Yeah. Well, come on. Come up. So, um, what was this epiphany? Um, it was about Christmas. You realised it was all around. No. I realised it's the time to be with the people you love. Right. And I realised that, as dire chance and fateful cock-up would have it, here I am, mid-fifties, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the people I... love... is, in fact,... you. Well, this is a surprise. Yeah. 10 minutes at Elton's, you're as gay as a meatball? No, I'm serious here. I left Elton's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, in order to hang out with you - at Christmas. Well, Bill - It's a terrible, terrible mistake, chubbs, but you turn out to be the fuckin' love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life. Well, thank you. I mean, here, come on, it's been an honour. I feel very proud. Well, d-don't be a moron. (CLEARS THROAT) Come on, let's get pissed and watch porn. "Dear Sir, Dear David, Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a very happy New Year." "I'm very sorry about the thing that happened." "It was a very odd moment and I feel like a prize idiot." "Particularly because ` if you can't say it at Christmas, when can you, eh? `" "I'm actually yours. With love. Your Natalie." Jack, yeah, I need a car. Right now. Thank you. ("JUMP" - POINTER SISTERS) Oh, don't wait up. I'd like to go to Wandsworth. The dodgy end. # Your eyes tell me how you want me # I can feel it in your heartbeat # I know you like what you see... Harris Street. What number? It's the longest street in the world. # Give you all that you need... I have no idea. # Wrap your love around me # You're so excited, I can feel you getting hotter... (DOORBELL) Hello. Does Natalie live here? No. Fine. Sorry to have disturbed. Here. Aren't you the Prime Minister? Er, yes, I am. Merry Christmas. Oh. Part of the service now. I'm trying to get round everyone by New Year's Eve. (DOORBELL) Ah, hello. Does Natalie live here? No, she doesn't. Oh, dear. OK. Are you singing carols? Er, no. No, I'm not. Please, sir, please! Please? Well, I suppose I could. Please? Alright. (ALL CHEER) # Good King Wenceslas last looked out on the Feast of Stephen (WELSH BARITONE) # When the snow lay round about # Deep and crisp and even # Brightly shone the moon that night... (DOORBELL) Hello. Sorry to disturb. Does Natalie live here? No. She lives next door. Ah. Brilliant. You're not who I think you are? I am. Sorry about the cock-ups. My Cabinet are crap. We hope to do better next year. Merry Christmas. (DOORBELL) (CHATTER / SILENCE) Ah, hello. Is, er, Natalie in? Where the fuck is my fuckin' coat? Oh. Hello. Hello. Um, this is my mum and my dad, my Uncle Tony and my Aunty Lyn. Nice to meet you. And, um, this is the Prime Minister. Yes, we can see that, darling. And, um, unfortunately we're very late. It's the school Christmas concert, David. It's the first time the local schools have joined together - Too much detail, Mum. How can we help, sir? Well, I... just needed Natalie on some state business. Oh, right, yes. Of course. Right, er, well, perhaps you should come on later, plumpy` Natalie. I don't want to make you late. No, it's nothing really. Keith will be very disappointed. Really, it doesn't matter. The octopus costume's taken me months. Eight is a lot of legs, David. Mm. Um, listen, why don't I give you a lift, then we can talk about this state business in the car? OK. Lovely. Lovely, yes. Excellent. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. You get into that car and you get PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. Your party! DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? I like it. Hold tight, everybody. How far is this place? Just round the corner. Ah, right. Well, er, I just wanted to say, um, thank you for the Christmas card. You're welcome. I'm sorry about that day. I mean, I came into the room, there's a fire, and he's the President of the United States. Nothing happened, I promise. I felt like such a fool because I think about you all the time, actually. I think you're the man I really... We're here! ..love. Oh, wow. That really was just round the corner. Er, um... Ow! Well, look, I, er, I'd better not come in, you know? Last thing anyone wants is some sleazy politician stealing the kids' thunder. No, please come. It'll be great. No, I'd... I'd better not. But I... will be very sorry to drive away from you. Just give me one second. John's been very mysterious. Where did you two meet? Um... Um... Um... Um... Ow! Come on in. We can watch from backstage. OK. Terry, I won't be long. Look, this has to be a very secret visit, OK? Don't worry, this is my school. I know my way around. C'mon. The sheep are ready already. You aren't even... Oh, David. Ah. Ah. Oh, how are you? Hi, guys. Hey, hey. Are you alright? What are you doing here? Well - I always tell your secretary's secretary these things are going on, but it never occurred to me you'd actually turn up. It's about time. I didn't want anyone to see. I'll hide and watch the show. Good luck, Daisy, Bernie. I've never been gladder to see my stupid big brother. Thank you. That's alright. Oh, now, we haven't been introduced. Oh, right. Um, this is Gavin. Hello, Gavin. Sorry. My copper. And this is Natalie, who's my, um, catering manager. Oh. Hi. Watch out he keeps his hands off you. 20 years ago you'd have been just his type. I'll be careful. Don't try something, sir, just because it's Christmas. No, seriously. (BELL RINGS) Come on. Quickly. Um, look, see you after, yeah? Yeah, probably. Thank you, Prime Minister. That's alright. Come on. # ...falling star and put it in your pocket # Save it for a rainy day # Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket # Never let it fade away # Never let it fade away # Never let it fade away! # (WILD APPLAUSE) The school would now like to present their chosen Christmas number. Lead vocals by 10-year-old Joanna Anderson, backing vocals coordinated by her mother, the great Mrs Jean Anderson. Um, some of the staff have decided to help out. And for this we ask you to forgive us. Thank you. (GENERAL APPLAUSE) # I don't want a lot for Christmas # There's just one thing I need # I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree # I just want you for my own # More than you could ever know # Make my wish come true # All I want for Christmas # I-Is... # you. (DRUMS BEAT, BAND STARTS) # I don't want a lot for Christmas # There's just one thing I need # I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree # I just want you for my own # More than you could ever know # Make my wish come true # All I want for Christmas is you! # You-oo-ou, baby! # Oh-oh! # All the lights are shining so brightly everywhere # And the sound of children's laughter fills the air # Fills the air! # Everyone is singing, oh yeah, I hear those sleigh bells ringin' # Santa, won't you bring me the one I need # Won't you please bring my baby to me! # I don't want a lot for Christmas, this is all I'm asking for # I just wanna see my baby standing right outside my door # Oh, I just want you for my own # More than you could ever know # Make my wish come true # All I want for Christmas # Is you! # All I want for Christmas... # And you! # And you! And you! # All I want for Christmas # And you! # All I want for Christmas! # (WILD CHEERING) Right. So not quite as secret as we'd hoped. (What do we do now?) Smile. Take a bow. (WHISTLING / CHEERING) I'll see you later, alright? Speak to you later. Bye. Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do? What position's that? Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and, come Christmas, gave it to somebody else. Oh, Karen. Would you wait around...? Goodnight. Night. Happy Christmas. Would you wait around to find out if it's just the necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse, or would you cut and run? Oh, God! I am so in the wrong. A classic fool. But you've also made a fool out of me. You've made the life I lead foolish too. Darling! Darlings! Oh, you were... mwah... wonderful! My little lobster, you were so, what is that word? Orange. Come on, I've got treats at home. Dad's coming. Sammy! Fantastic show! Classic drumming, son! Thanks. The plan didn't work, though. Tell her, then. Tell her what? That you love her. No way. Anyway, they fly tonight. Even better. You've got nothing to lose. You'll always regret it if you don't. I never told your mum enough. I should've told her every day because she was perfect every day. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over till it's over. OK, Dad, let's do it. Let's get the shit kicked out of us by love. Yes! Just give me one sec. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. That's... OK. My fault. No, really, it wasn't. You're Sam's dad, aren't you? Yeah. Step-dad, actually. Daniel. I'm Carol. Carol. OK, I'm back. Let's go. Yeah. Well, I hope we'll meet again, Karen. Carol. I'll make sure we do. Yeah? Good. Tell her. What? You know, mwah, mwah, mwah. Don't be such an arse! Look, there she is. Where? Over there. Oh, no. It's OK, we'll go to the airport. I know a short-cut. (KNOCKS) Senor Barros? Si. Wait, wait! No! We're not flying. You can't come through without a boarding pass. Not even to let the boy say goodbye to the love of his life? No. I'm sorry, Sam - Boarding pass, sir. I've got it here somewhere. Would you mind hanging onto that? Unless... What? Make a run for it. Hold onto that as well. D'you think I should? Yeah. OK. Yes! I must've left them where I was having a cup of coffee. Sorry. (BEEPS) Joanna. Sam? I thought you didn't know my name. Course I do. Oh, Jesus! OK, I've gotta run. Bom noite, Aurelia. Bom noite, Jamie. (SILENCE) Ssh! Thank you. That will be nice. Yes is being my answer. Easy question. (GENERAL APPLAUSE) Bravo! You learned English. Just in cases. # I may not always love you # But as long as there are stars above you... Hello, Daisy. This one's Greta. Hello, Greta. Here she is. This is Aurelia, this is Julia, this is Peter. Hi. I didn't see you. Thought I'd tag along. Jamie's friends are so good-looking. He never tells me this. I think maybe now I have made wrong choice, picked wrong Englishman. She can't speak English properly. She doesn't understand. Dad! Dad! Oh, God! Did you get us any presents? As a matter of fact, I did. Thanks. How are you? I'm fine. Fine. Good to have you back. Come on. Home. There she is. Hi. Hello. Ohh, he should've kissed her. No, that's cool. Hey. What are you two doing here? I might get a shag at last. Gotta go. Bye. Yoo-hoo! This... is Harriet. Hi. Really pleased to meet ya. Hello, Harriet. I hope you don't mind, I sorta brought my sister to stay. This is Carla. She's real friendly. Hello. You must be Tony. I heard you were gorgeous. God, you weigh a lot! Oh, shut your face! # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you # God only knows what I'd be without you! #