(funky intro plays) # Hey, hey, hey, hey-hey, hey-hey # # Mm-hmm # # My face to the sky # # Dreaming about just how high # # I could go and if I know # # When I finally get there # # Taking off my glasses # # Sun pokes through my lashes # # Somehow I know there's a time for every star to shine # # Everybody got their something # # Make you smile like an itty-bitty child # # Everybody got their something # # Everybody got their something # # Hey, hey # # Hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey # # People keeping score # # Better hurry up and get yours # # Somebody else got your spot # Buongiorno. # Before you even drop # # Seek and you shall find # # Everything in my own sweet time # # I'll take my chances with what I believe is only... # # Love song # # Like a butterfly # # Believe if you hand it over # # You'll come out all right # (barking) # Yeah # # Everybody got their something # # Make you smile like an itty-bitty child # # Everybody got their something # # Everybody got their something # # Yeah # # Yeah, hey-hey-hey-hey-hey # # Hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey-hey. # Yeah, I'll be there in about ten. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. WOMAN (laughing): I know, girl. Sorry. Right? The party was amazing at Jasten's last night. Girl, everybody was there. Look, if you want to seal the deal with a guy, you need a short skirt and sexy panties. (laughing) Oh, hold on. Yeah, is Solomon here? Oh, he's in the back, baby. Anyway... hey, you want to go out with us tonight? MAN (on TV): Mexicans traditionally have supplied the world with tacos. But now, America Horowitz. is moving in. Eight down? Oh, uh, uh, that would be Bora-Bora. That's a tough one. Don't punish yourself. (sotto voce): Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. Oh, hey, Mary. Hello, sir. Um... I have an idea. Do you have next week's crossword? Indeed, I do. But better yet, I have many, and a brilliant plan. Instead of doing just one crossword per week, I could go daily. I could do five per week and on... I'm sorry. But we just don't have space for that kind of content. No, but, sir, Crossword is everyone's favourite part of the newspaper. And we could be just like The New York Times where the puzzle gets harder as the week goes. So on Monday, a day that traditionally bites the big one, we could... This isn't The New York Times, we're a local paper. Our readers just want to have fun. Oh. Oh, well, sir, if fun is what they want, then Mary Horowitz has their fun. Ta-da! For St. Paddy's Day. Top of the morning to you. Leprechaun. MAN: Wonderful, you guys are such a beautiful couple. (cheering) Congratulations! WOMAN: I know. Who would have ever thought? Mary? Yes? Do you ever stop working long enough to, you know, like, go out? Mm-mmm. Uh, spend time with friends? Nope. Go on a date? Mm-mmm. Oh, uh, well, I have a date this evening, sir. Oh? It's a blind one. My parents set it up, so I was obviously going to cancel. Go on out on your date and, you know, have some fun with him and... Have you moved back into your apartment? Um, no. Still fumigating. But I'm just waiting for the chemicals to settle, so I don't get the... the old brain cancer. Though, if I don't move out of my parents' home soon, I'll be forced to get a lobotomy. So it's brain cancer, lobotomy, brain cancer, lobotomy... Mary, Mary... Less work. More of everything else. Just enjoy being normal. Martin, I need that feature on the pumpkin shortage. Is it ready? ("Everybody Got Their Something" resumes) Be normal. Normal. # Hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey-hey... # MARY: In life, as in crosswords, some days are harder than others. And that's what keeps your brain alive. The key to surviving those tough days is to pick yourself up and stay focused on your life's purpose. For me, that's imparting the joy of crosswording to all mankind. Ah, crosswording. The most spectacular fun a person can have without passing out. I like your protective ensemble. Bunker gear, if you will. So if these kids set you on fire, you're good to what, 300 degrees? If I survive this-- whew-- I'm supposed to go on a blind date tonight. Yeah. Steve. Steve, yeah. His mother probably thinks he's gay. So my parents are, no doubt, pimping me out to test his sexuality, thanks. (laughing) But I'm, I'm, I'm going to cancel. Yeah, I mean, wouldn't you? Yeah? Though I could use a little (whistling)... if you know what I'm saying. Yeah. Been a long time. (door opens) (kids cheering) "Mary Horowitz." Yes, yes, that is... that's me. Here's a treat, students. Miss Mary Horowitz is the crossword constructor for The Sacramento Herald. You know the crossword puzzles that you see each week in the newspaper? Well, it's her job to create them. Isn't that fun? Ladies and gentlemen, people do crossword puzzles all the time. But they don't often think of the person who made all the words fit together. Crossword constructors have above-average intelligence, and it helps if they can spell. (chuckling) Okay, um... (sotto voce): Okay, that's good. (feedback whistles) Imagine, if you will, a world. A world... Daniel, you have a question? You make a living doing that? Well... One puzzle a week can't make you enough to live on. How do you pay your rent? Oh, uh, well, my parents have graciously permitted me to bunk at their abode (laughter) while my apartment is being fumigated. You live with your parents? Temporarily, yes, I live at home. But then again, so do all of you. So there. Now... You don't have a husband, do you? Or a boyfriend! Kids, come on. (kids laughing) (feedback whistles) No, not-not at... not at this time. Though I have had liaisons. (gentle folk-pop intro plays) # Soon Li was a pilot internationally known # # Amazing ladies of the outer ozone # # She didn't have no kids # # She didn't have no time # # She was a woman of her word # # She was a fighter of crime # # She looked good in a hat # # She had a natural way # Shoot. Shoot. # With tools and old cars she went to UCLA... # Shoot! No! No! No, no! Come here. Come here. Hi. I often suffer from benign positional vertigo. Do you mind not driving until I can get my... Okay, okay, all right. (skids, thuds) Ow. # And I don't know # # Why life # (dog growling) # It seems to be # # So hard for dreamers # # Like you and me. # Mary? How'd it go? Smashing success. Or as they say in old Paris, coup de maitre, meaning "masterstroke." Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and, uh, get ready. Good. Oh, so you're going ahead with the date? Yes, of course. Look how excited I am. Better get going... if I'm going to fall in love and get proposed to. Register at Barnes and Normal, have a beautiful wedding with an accordion band and little, tiny plastic bride and groom on top of a cake, posing like this. (chuckling) I'm going to go. I just want her to be happy. Yeah. Go out and have some fun. Mm-hmm. You ever want to see any grandchildren, you're going to have to burn those damn boots. (hamster squeaking) Carol, I have a date. A blind one. (groaning) But if this Steven is anything better than excessively hideous, I think we really should try and make it work. Because society wants me to be normal, then normal we shall be. Right? Yes. Oh, and Carol, I-I really would appreciate your support on this, too. And by "support" I don't mean that. (squeaking) MRS. HOROWITZ: Mary? (door opens) Knock, knock, knock. Look at you. Already have, repeatedly. Mare. He's hot! (hushed): Please don't mean on the inside. STEVE: I'm a cameraman for CCN. MR. HOROWITZ: Mm-hmm. A news program. We don't really watch... I work with a guy called Hartman Hughes. Have you ever seen him? No. (Mrs. Horowitz clears throat) (sighs) (chuckles) (lush orchestration plays) Hey, Mary. I'm Steve. (music stops) (laughing) (laughing) (whispers): Carol! Carol, I bring news. There's been a, there's been a most unexpected turn of events. My date is substantially better-looking than one might have predicted. And you know what Colin Powell once said? "There's no secret to success." Well, clearly he doesn't understand the power of spectacular skivvies. There she is! Oh, wow. Nice boots. (chuckles) Thank you. You ready? Mm-hmm. So nice to meet you. MR. HOROWITZ: Oh, here... Oh, yeah, it's raining outside. Hold this. Ah... I'll get the door. Let me get that door for you. Thanks again. Good-bye. (sniffing) Shalom. I have to admit, at first I wasn't so sure about this whole blind date thing. But now I'm surprised our parents didn't set it up earlier. Especially knowing my mother. Must be some kind of conspiracy. Oh, you good? Oh, he's so not gay. Oh, man, it's coming down. It's really coming down, huh? I thought maybe we could go to, uh, Ernesto's. They got great tamales. And they have this drink called, uh, el gallo negro. It means "the black rooster." You have, like, two of those drinks... (gagging) Oh! You okay? You okay? (moans) Wait, wait! What about-- what about your parents? What about my parents? Your mom. She's married. And you're not her type. No, I just mean-- I just mean we're right in front... Whoa. I just... I just mean, we're right in front of their house. Oh! And I have no problem with that whatsoever. (horn honking) Oh, Steven. Oh, Steven. (moans) Is that Steven with a "V" or Stephen with a-a "P-H"? It's with a "V." I thought so. Yeah. Thought so. You know, there's over a million Stevens with a, a "V" in the country, you know. It's much more popular than the "P-H" way. Twice as popular, in fact. I think it's actually the Brits who prefer their P-Hs. Yeah, not as much as their fish and chips. (laughing) Oh. Oh. Oh, Steven! We really should commend our mothers for predicting our all-encompassing compatibility. I got it. I mean, we're, you know, we're both professionally compatible. You in TV and me in, uh, you know, newspapers. Oh, I'll help you. Plus I'm noticing we're both quite sexually compatible. And I don't know if you noticed like I noticed that we're both wearing blue, and what are the chances of that? (groans) Ooh. Okay? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, of course the chances are probably pretty good given (groans) that blue is one of the most popular of the three colours. Do you, uh... Do you like crosswords? Sure, I do. Really? Yeah. (groans) So, you know how when the perfect clue gets stuck in your brain, and it just explodes into this bouquet of, of mixed emotions. I'm-I'm aroused, I'm intrigued, I'm, I'm amused, I'm perplexed. I'm, I'm just, like, all these things? Uh-huh? Yeah? Yeah. Let's go back to the, uh, the uh, arousal. Okay. Okay. Wow, Steven. Oh. Oh. It's like we're two rare earth elements, just brought together by the Norns. It's just... it's Scandinavian for... for the destinies. Oh. And now I'm going to eat you like a mountain lion. (thunder rumbling) (growling) Oh, you know what? Oh, I'm sorry. It's my phone. Oh, my phone. What are you doing? I didn't hear it ring. That's odd. Vibrate. It vibrated. I didn't feel it. Oh it was probably because of all the grinding. Yeah. Yeah. I'll get over here. Yeah? What? Yeah, what's up? All right, I'm coming. Oh, already? Okay, okay, I can hurry. I can hurry. I can... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I, I got to go to work. Oh! There's breaking news. Oh! Gosh! I'm so sorry. Oh, it's, it's okay. It's... I got to go to, uh... Boston. Wow. Boston, huh? That's a spectacular city. Known not only for its-its tea, but, uh, for Sam Morse, who invented the Morse Code. Get out of here. Yes. You want some help? No. You know, it's so... it'd be so much more interesting staying here and everything. I... I really wish you could be there. Life on the road sure is tough. Oh, well... I-I... But you have a job to do. Oh, he likes Twinkies. Okay, it's been fun. (sighs) Okay. (mutters) Oh, gracias. Yeah. (breathing heavily) (sighing): Thank God. Okay. Crazy person. (tires squealing) # You got me starting # # You got me starting # # You got me starting # # You got me starting # # You got me starting # # You got me starting again.# When I was a fledgling cruciverbalist-- that means crossword constructor-- I would find comfort in the words of the learned crossword sages. My hero was Manny Nesowsky, frequent New York Times contributor and all-around cruciverbal master. Manny says that a crossword puzzle's greatness can be determined by asking three simple questions. Is it solvable? # He's got me starting # # You got me starting... # Is it entertaining? # You got me starting # # You got me starting # # You got me starting... # Does it sparkle? # You got me starting again. # MAN: Yes, okay. So, lunch meeting at that Japanese restaurant at 1:30, okay? And I need to... I... This crossword is bullshit. Anyway, he said he was going to change and I, for one, believe him, so... This doesn't make any sense. Well, to me, it does. Oh, yeah, of course. (flushing) This is lame. Have you tried six down? These clues suck! (clearing throat) (mechanical whirring) I can't get any of these. MAN: Oh, thanks. Don't even bother. I don't know what the deal is, but it looks like every single clue is... SOLOMON: "All About Steve"? One across, "Steve's eye colour." Five across, "Steve's car odour." 20 across, "Steve's lips taste like..." Mint Explosion. Mary, who's Steve? Oh, an extraordinary... No, no that's not what's important. What's important is what you've done with this crossword puzzle. I mean, it's-it's... It's inspired. No. Romantic? No. Oh, you're a tough one today. Let's see. Um... It's unprofessional. Uh... No, that's not the word. Um, okay, let me think. You are... Mm-hmm. You've tarnished the paper's reputation. I mean, I really thought that you would have known better than to pull something like this. Do you have any idea how many readers you've let down? Uh, 7,402, but... Mary. Yes? (sighing) Mary, we're going to have to let you go. Oh. (nervous chuckle) I could make it up to you by doing a fishing-themed crossword. I know how you love the, the piscatology. (imitates fishing line soaring through air) I'm sorry. Okay. We can, um... Yeah, we'll just, um, we'll... I'll call you, and we'll just... WOMAN: Police tell us that the chief suspect in the case is one Mr. Mark McLaglen. Okay, guys, you're set. Tucson's affiliate's on site now. Remote van's waiting for you at the airport. Okay. Mmm. But I get an Escalade, right? Dan, we talked about this. Nick Vasquez gets an Escalade. Nick Vasquez has six Emmys. Stolen from me. He was robbed, Dan. All six times. Thank you, Stevie. I mean, he can't help it if he's considerably older than Vasquez. By older he means experienced, Marlboro Man handsome. Um, I'm pretty sure I meant old. DAN (stammering): Whatever. Which one of you geniuses can explain this? Old feller just needs to stiffen up. With the two purple flowers... Uh, I'd, uh, be happy to, Dan. Look at how the blue brings out my eyes. Yeah, what I was going for here was... STEVE: Oh, look at that smooth push in. Western motif, sort of the iconic flower. And then I needed a backdrop, like a mountainous range. Boom! Two mountains. In Hollywood, they call that a Mae West, 'cause Mae West had... Keep talking, fellas. Keep talking your way right back to the Weather Channel. Right back to ten degrees in Buffalo, where you'll be spending most of your days taking close-up shots of kids' snotsicles. Well, give us something good, Danny. I mean, we're fighter pilots, man. Yeah, we really are. It's like sending an F-16 to kill your neighbour's dog. It's a waste of our energy. And I need one big report, man, to get that anchor desk. Get out of my office. This is a big report, so don't screw it up with any more stupid pranks this time, Hartman. And you. Angus. You're responsible for these guys. Make sure they don't embarrass me in Tucson. They screw around, you're out. Yes, sir. Remember the Escalade. (imitating car engine) Sterling, how you doing? Jackie, looking sweet. Paula. In your dreams. (phone ringing) I can feel your love darts coming over this way. Mom, I'm working. What's up? No, I haven't read it. Why? Uh, hey, does anybody have a Sacramento Herald? Anyone? Yeah. Right here. Right, yeah, I got it. Yes, I ate lunch. What section? Oh, wow, this is all about me. Wait, this is all about me. (woman singing romantic aria) (aria continues) (whispered mutter) (squeaking) Oh! Doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt. But obviously the gods have seen... Where are you? (humming) Ooh, hi. There you are. Ooh! Okay. Do you know what's at work here? Pistas, indizios, anhaltspunkt. Clues. They're just... They're-they're everywhere. One, I was thinking of not going on the date, but then the good children of, uh, Youngstrum Academy kindly... you know, they-they persuaded me to go. Two, my date duly arrives and lo, not only is he, uh, muy caliente, but he likes my red boots. MARY: Three, Steve says it would be great if I could be on the road with him. MARY: But of course I cannot, because I have a job. Four, only days later, I learn I no longer have a job, which is obviously just the final clue leading to the blindingly simple answer. Onward, Mary Horowitz. Onward. Go be with Steve. How do you mean, you don't have a job? Missing the point, Father. Ah, the clues have been deciphered. I must journey forth. Journey forth where? Father, you're making me crazy. (TV clicks on) (static crackles) (dramatic music plays) Ah. Voila, Papa. If it is news, Steven is there. Auf Wiedersehen. This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge. Anybody seen Vasquez? Huh? Have we seen Vasquez? No. Too much of a pussy to come to a dangerous hostage crisis. 30 seconds. Just gonna bring you around on the left, all right? Well, I want to open up on the dust, and then we're gonna hit a 45 up to your right side. All right. Steve, but I'm gonna indicate down the street, and then gonna come around on the left. And right here. Ten seconds, you're on with Paula. She still mad at you for giving those Jenny Craig gift certificates? And five, four, The fact I was looking at her ass three... to begin with is a compliment. (show theme music playing) Paula, I've just arrived at Wild Willy's Old Western Town, beloved tourist attraction in Tucson, Arizona. On a typical day, this street would be busy with families eager to enjoy the Wild West life experience. Tragically today, the man who plays Wild Willy, the outlaw, has taken his role to heart and captured eight of his co-workers, taking them hostage and holding them in the saloon a mere 85 yards away from where I stand now. (banging) Shots have been fired, Paula! Let's go handheld, Steve! (show theme music playing) It's unclear at this moment who the shot was intended for or... how many lives have perhaps been lost. Okay, breaking news, Paula. We have our first confirmed kill. A horse. One of many that live here at Wild Willy's Old Western Town. (sighs) The first victim of this senseless tragedy. It's at moments like this I'd like to believe that there is a Heaven just for horses. Rolling meadows, lush grasses, the spirits of deceased horses galloping to and fro. (voice breaks): Long may you roam in Heaven, oh, noble horse. (paper tearing) (whispering): Not dead. (neighing) And yet... the horse not quite dead, Paula. Not quite dead at all. (paper tearing) He's apparently a trained horse, Paula. Trained to drop down (paper tearing) during Wild Willy's Old West shoot-out routine. This particular horse, also sensitive to trucks backfiring on Route 20. Well... (chuckles) in the midst of tragedy, a blessed miracle. (show theme music playing) Cut. Damn it, Steve, do you think this is funny? You guys could see the horse is alive, and you're giving me the "bring in the tears" signal. Oh, no, no. This is the "bring the tears" signal. This is, "Hey, the horse is up. It's, uh... it's galloping." (laughing) (mutters) MARY: You know my favourite answer? Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico- volcanoconiosis. It's a lung disease. Ooh, Fontana, California. You... you know what they make there? No? No, they make... they make steel. Yeah... do you know how they make it? No? I won't bore you with the whole story, just the... just the best parts, like... like how it's made from, uh, molten pig iron, which... which does not, as everyone might think, have anything to do with pigs or swines or hogs. It's-it's a raw iron made from iron and coke. And by coke, I mean the, uh, carbonaceous residue, not the... not the cola. Or the booger sugar. It's-it's a method perfected by Sir Henry Bessemer, a Brit. Oh, and Bessemer is also a town in Alabama. Yay. Yep, and you know what they have there? No? No? Hitler's typewriter. (snorts) Hitler's typewriter. That guy was such an asshole. Anyone up for a potty break? It's not good to hold it. (hydraulic brake whooshes) We're going to take five minutes here. Establishments in desolate areas like this are usually run by family members that are... that are... that... Hey, hello? No, no! Stop! (passengers applauding, cheering) Crap. Crap. (door opening) (bells jangling) (country music plays softly) Yes, hi. Uh, do you know when the next bus to Tucson goes through here? 'Cause I kind of just... just missed mine. I'm headed that way. Oh, that's nice. So, you ever kill any animals? Set a... trashcan full of kittens on fire, you know, something like that? No. No? Okay. What about humans? I had to... Would I tell you if I did? (chuckles) Touche, sir, touche. You can wait for that next bus, if you want. (door opening, bells jangling) (door closing) (engine starting) (clears throat, belches) Uh... uh... Roughly $9.85. I will give this to you and... Just, thank you. (truck engine roaring) Hello! Stop, please! Stop, please! (horn droning) (shudders) (coughing) May I see your license, please? (country song plays softly) Norman James Durwood? Mary Magdalene Horowitz. Nice to meet you. Good to meet you. I think. Norm, if you are going to rape and murder me, you are going to have to cut my body up into a million chunks and scatter me all over four states, because this appendage will lead homicide detectives right to you. And that would be no bueno. I think we're good. MARY: And my other rules about crossword is this-- no pencils. Doing a crossword with a pencil is like screaming with your lips duct-taped together. It is weak. If you're going to do a crossword puzzle, you need to do it fearlessly and with abandon and with a pen. I prefer medium felt-tip blue. It's about choosing your path, Norm, and just committing to it. Well, I figure that when you miss a bus, maybe you weren't meant to take it. Hmm. You familiar with, uh... with, uh, moon blindness, Norm? It's, like, this awful eye pus that sort of starts oozing... You know, quiet time might be real good right about now. Okay. Quiet, silencio. Ruhe. Hey, Norm? Mary. Thanks for not raping me. My pleasure. (gruff voice): Howdy, partner. Welcome to Wild Willy's Ol' Western Town. Howdy, partner. Welcome to Wild Willy's Ol' Western Town. All righty. Give my love to the kids. (chuckling) Good luck, and if that Steve shows you any disrespect... Disrespect... well, if you mean unmannerly, tactless and vulgar, he is a straight man, Norm, and some things can't be helped. But if you mean that he's somewhat... See you, Mary. See you, Norm. (laughing) (horn droning) (Western swing tune plays) # I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart # # I want to learn to rope and ride # # I want to ride o'er the plains and the desert # # Out west of the Great Divide # # I want to hear the coyot's howling # # While the sun sets in the west # # I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart # # The life I love the best. # (music stops) Hola, senor. (woman speaking Spanish over radio) Adios. Adios, senora. Senor... Si? Si? Oh. Oh, gracias. Gracias, senor. De nada. Hasta luego. Vaya con dios. (helicopter hovers) WOMAN: ...Guadalupe Aguerro, or to us, Baby Peggy, was born with an extremely rare birth defect, a third leg. 11 months ago... Shortly after her birth, her poor immigrant parents separated. Now with joint custody, one parent And in five... wants the abnormal baby to keep the third leg. four, three, two... The other wants it gone. After months of legal wrangling, the judge has ordered in favour of the mother. Amputation surgery is scheduled for tomorrow, but the father, Mr. Aguerro, isn't about to give up. Perhaps one day, her parents will tell her... As his lawyers work to secure an injunction, the father continues to rally support around the rogue leg. I'm quoting. "If God didn't want my daughter to have a third leg, he wouldn't have stuck one between the other two." So, for now, the fate of the precious child's third leg is in the hands of a judge. Hartman Hughes reporting from Oklahoma City, near the leg... and as always, from the edge. Cut. Okay, what do you... what do you think? In the next segment, I was thinking about saying, "Baby Peggy is in a three-legged race against time." What do you think? Okay. Want to do some one-on-ones? Do it. Hey, just... intelligent arguments from both sides. Intelligent arguments, guys. I was born with a vestigial penis. That means a penis hanging outside the body. You know, like yours. I'm talking about a ding-a-ling, you know what I'm saying? And it was pretty good size. I was kind of proud of it. You know, I got to be in seventh grade, I used to work it, hang it on the side in gym class. I got all the attention. Now there's just a big old scar... like, can you feel it? Can you feel that scar? Right? Okay, so they cut it off, then the... What? What happened? Hey, I wasn't finished. That was unbelievable. Yeah, that was the, uh, highlight of my morning. (engine purring) Vasquez. Where? STEVE: Oh. That's a new Escalade. He's got three security guards. Look at that, he brought toys. Ooh, that's that guy from the news. Hey, baby. Hey, oh... Son of a bitch. He's got a three-legged doll baby. Angus! (crowd chatter) (distant chanting) (helicopter blades whirring) (distant chanting) (doo-wop music plays) # Da-da, da, da-da, da, da-da... # What? # Da, da-da, da-da # # Da, da-da # Oh, no. # Da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da # # Love him, I love him, I love him # # And where he goes, I'll follow # # I'll follow, I'll follow # # I will follow him # # Follow him wherever he may go... # Hi! STEVE: Oh! (laughs) Hey. Hi. Hi. Hey! (giggling) Oh. How are you? Hey. I'm good. Surprise. Yeah, I didn't... I... Yeah. (both laughing) Look at you here. Oh, sorry it took me so long. It did. Yeah. It did. Oh, I brought your... I brought your umbrella back. Oh. And I got a surprise... We have a lot, but that's all... ...that I know you love. Oh. Wow. That's, uh... That's... Well, that's scary thoughtful. (laughs) I-I-I know you love... Thanks. Thank you. Twinkies. (laughs) So, you-you... you came here all the way just to see me? Yes, sir. Ask and you shall receive. You know who said that? No. Jesus. Did Jesus tell you to come here? (laughing) Jesus ask me to come here? (nasal laughing) No. You did. Oh. No. No. Oh, yes, you did. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. I don't... I don't think so. Yes, right after you fondled my breasts, remember? Who? You. Rrr. Remember? Oh. "Oh, life on the road sure is awful. It sure would be great if you could be out there with me." Oh, wonka, wonka. Oh, yeah. With your big old hands, you just grabbed my little puppies and... Yeah. ...went to town. (both laughing) It felt good. Good. Yeah. Uh, well, that's great. Yeah. It will be great, because you are making journalistic history. Oh, that's sweet of you to say. And I will be right by your side for-for support and encouragement, and whatever, like, nurturing and-and... Okay... I'm okay. ...coddling you as a-a man should require. I'm-I'm pretty much a one-man team. It's just... It's... It's just me and, uh, my camera. Oh, yeah. You know what? And, yes. You know, the news... the news needs you. Look. Because I-I bet my left ovary that that... that's Baby Peggy's daddy leaving the hospital to avoid the press, right there. Look! Look... Oh, no. That's a nurse. No, right... No, they're all dressed like... There's a lot of nurses, 'cause we're at a hospital. There's a lot of them, lot of them around. But a... but a-a nurse not wearing sterilized, non-slip footwear? What? Oh, ho... holy shit. You're right. Yeah, I-I should, uh... thank you. Go, Steven with a V. First priority-- your-your occupation. Second priority-- fornication. (laughs) Fornication. Excuse me, ma'am? Yes? Ooh. Sorry. Only media allowed up here. Oh, absolutely. My credentials, kind sir. "Cruciverbalist"? Si. You got to stay down there with your friends. With my friends. CROWD (chanting): Don't make her stay. Save her leg. Don't make her stay. Save her leg. Don't make her stay. Save her leg. Don't make her stay. Save her leg. Don't make her stay. Save her leg. WOMAN: Again! (air horn sounding) Don't make her stay. Save her leg. (horn sounding, hooting, drum beating) MAN (over P.A.): Okay, guys... That was fantastic. WOMAN: Hi, there. I like your boots. Oh, thanks. Are you pro-leg or anti-leg? Neither, really. Well, um, this is the pro-leg group over here. We are supporting Baby Peggy's dad in the fight to save the baby's third leg. Oh, wow. Um, over there... Well, those are the anti-leggers. Well, is the, uh... Is the additional leg functioning or non-functioning? Because if it has full mobility, it's both a physical asset and a medical phenomenon. Those are a lot of words. (laughing) And they're kind of big. I'm sorry. I don't understand... In addition to promoting a righteous cause, the pro-leggers have better snacks. Okay. I'm, um, definitely pro-leg, then. (laughs) Yay! Come around. You can help light the rest of the candles. Okay. Huh. Okay. Love those boots. Nice work. STEVE: Right? How'd you get that? Uh... This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge. Hmm. (sighs) You remember the, uh, blind date I went on? Yeah. The one that did the crossword. Yeah. She followed me here. Here? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I-I saw her at the bridge, and I... I think she's with the protesters. She has red boots. Is she attractive? I mean, who cares? I've been married to the same woman for nine years, man. I care. I think she thinks that I invited her here. Did you? No. I mean, well... kind of. I mean, but I was just trying to be nice, you know, to get her out of my truck. You could have tried, "Get out of my truck." I can't be held responsible for being a nice guy, right? No, of course not. Unless she's doing a crossword all about you and following you across the country like a stalker. Stalker? Who has a stalker? Steve does. Big time. No! No, no, no, no, no. What? Big time. Really? What's going on with that? No, I was... I was telling him about Mary. Remember Mary, the blind date my parents set me up on? She was on me like a mountain lion in the truck. Great in theory, but... Wouldn't stop talking. She was like a talking encyclopaedia. So, uh, is she here, or...? No. No, no, no. I think she-she went... Red boots, with the protesters. Hot. Red boots? You bang a fireman? No. No, I did not bang a fireman. Hmm. All right. (groaning) I'm going to go outside and get some, uh, snacks. You want anything? ANGUS: Oh, man, I could use a club soda with shaved ice with a twist of lemon. That's awesome. He's-He's getting me drinks, man. What's your problem? You think that's where he's going? Yeah. He's... That's not where he's going. You know, I don't know what he's up to. He's always thinking about something. CROWD (tune of "Kumbaya"): # Save a leg, my friend... # This glue is making me high. It's the, uh... It's the methyl benzene in there, Winston. Give me that. # Save a leg, my friends... # Here, use... Use this one. Take that. Hey, guys. Oh, hi. Uh, can I help? Oh, sure. Mary, have you met Howard? Howard, Mary. Mary, Howard. How do you do? I'm not quite sure what you mean. (Howard laughs) Uh... I'm just going to sit down. Uh, so, what can I do? Can you, um... Can you do the ribbon? Yes. Okay. These scissors... Just... this. Mary. Oh, hey, that's that news guy. Hartman Hughes. So, this is the pro-legger camp. MAN: Yeah. Handsome group. MAN: That's right. You folks are all for keeping Baby Peggy abnormal? Abnormal? Ex-Extra legs equals extra awesomeness. (whining) MARY: Yeah. She'd just be like the tree frog. Come again? A trematode parasite causes polymaly. That means extra limbs in-in tree frogs. Yeah. Happens all the time. It's-It's totally normal. I mean, in some ponds, Hartman Hughes! there's, like, a quarter of the tree frogs with extra limbs and sometimes they found that if they... You know, over at the media tent, we're going to take a break in a few minutes. And, uh, sure enough like you to join me. Oh, I can't. Um, I have flute lessons. (crowd singing in distance) (clears throat) Will Steve be there? Who do you think sent me? Oh... All right, girl. You go, girl. Go on to that media tent. With your bad self. Go on and get your man, honey. I'll be right back. Holler if you need backup. Did Steve tell you all about the crossword I did for him? Oh, yeah. There's no words to describe how much it meant to him. Oh, but there are. There are always words. You know... Yes? It's easy to see why he fell for you the way he did. Oh... So, he, uh... (beeping) Oh, he... he told you all about the incredible connection and intensity and je ne sais quoi? Oh, yeah. (beeping) He told me about the quoi. He wouldn't shut his pie hole about the quoi. But, you know, his bliss (beeping) is tempered with fear. (wand humming) Oh. When you saw him today, did he seem like a man whose heart and loins were full of joy? Um... (beeping) I-I-I don't know. I don't know if... No. No. It's because he's afraid, Mary. (wand humming) Oh. He's afraid you're gonna... break his heart. But I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that to Steve. I-I could never do that. I'm incapable... Shh... You rest those pretty, little mouth pillows, huh? You're going to need them later for all sorts of naughtiness. But what I need to know from you right now: are you going to stick around long enough to help us work through Steve's fear? Oh, of course. Of course. (grunts) Yes. If he tells you to go, you don't go. No? Okay. Mm-mmm. He starts throwing words around like "cuckoo" and "loony" and "crazy," that's his fear talking. Oh. All right? Okay, okay, yes. If he tries to run away, I want you to grab him. Okay. And with the strength that God gives you, hang on. Be calm and focused. Okay, okay. You want to know why? Why? Yeah, why? You're the rock in this relationship. I'm the rock. You're the glue that holds it together. I'm the glue, okay. Right here. Look at me. Focus. Are you going to soldier on... no matter what happens? Of course. Of course. Good. You know what I see in those big, beautiful eyes? Plica semilunaris secretions? Some-Something in my eye? Bravery. Well... I'm a little nervous. Now, you go get your Steve on. Okay. Okay. ANGUS: You said she was hyper? Yeah, she's really hyper. That's good, that's good. The calm and focused ones, they keep all that bottled up inside, and before you know it... (grunting) You know? But as long as she's hyper, you don't have to worry about it. One thing she isn't is calm. (hushed): Dude. What'd you want to tell me? Dude, is that her? Hmm? Hmm? Is that her? (eerie music plays) Oh... Want some? How'd she get in here? I don't know. She's calm. Boy, did I miss you... (clicks tongue) Steven with a "V." Let's go for a talk outside. Okay. Walkie-talk. Oops, yes. Okay. Hmm? You can't stay here. Sure, I can. No. That's the beauty of my job. I can send in crossword puzzles from anywhere in the world. No, listen, listen, okay. Listen to me. Mm-hmm? I don't want you here, okay? But you said... I said? I know, I'm a guy, okay? We say things we don't mean. Well, then, how do I know you mean what you're saying now when you said you didn't mean what you said? (chuckles) That's crazy. Well, see, that's your fear talking. Why are you so calm? How come you're not more hyper? 'Cause that's freaking me out a little bit, I got to be honest with you right now. Steve, it's all going to be okay. I know it is, if you just... It is. Maybe even wonderful. Hartman Hughes told me everything. What? I talked to Hartman Hughes. What... when did you talk to him? It doesn't matter. Did he... did he come get you? Steve... Where? Where is he? Hughes? Steven, Steven, Steven, Steven, Steven, come here. Look at me. You're here? You're here with me? Focus right here. Okay, look at me. Okay. "Intimate relationships cannot substitute for a life plan, "but to have any meaning or validity at all, a life plan must include intimate relationships." Do you know who said that? Jesus? Harriet Lerner. Oh! Psychologist, lecturer, and author of the timeless classic Franny B. Kranny, There's a Bird in Your Hair. HARTMAN: I was going to run for governor, but... Hey, Hughes, come here. Hey. Come here. Steve. Yes, sir. This another one of your pranks, huh? I don't know what you're into, Iago, but you better tell her the truth, okay? I'm a newsman. I'm incapable of saying anything but the truth. Okay, well, then, tell her you lied and, and that I really... I don't want you here, I'm sorry. Okay. (mouthing) (sighs) Sorry, just... things didn't work out. You're going to find a great guy. What is that? I want you guys to have a baby. Why? You guys belong together. I'm gonna hit you, man. Oh, come on, you're not going to hit the face of CCN. Ow! Oh, oh, stop it, you guys. "Victory attained "through violence is tantamount to defeat, for it is momentary." Do you know who said it? G... Gandhi. This is what I'm talk... What are you afraid of, huh? What am I afraid of? Please. I don't want to fight you. You don't want her to know about "I heart Mary" carved into a tree trunk...? Why are you putting stuff like that in her head? You said... did that? No, I never said that. No... Maybe you're afraid the great Hartman Hughes is going to steal her away. Oh, you're crazy. Whoa, hold on. Oh, God, I'm like Helen of Troy. No fighting. Guys, Baby Peggy's parents settled. Steve, your camera. Oh, oh, Jesus, Angus! Sorry. (groans) See what happens? You mess with me, you mess with my boy. Mary, stay, Mary, stay... But you... Mary! Steve! Mary! MAN: Call the station. (grunts) We're live in two minutes. Tissue. With mere hours to spare, the Aguerros reconciled, agreeing to halt surgery until Baby Peggy is old enough to decide for herself. It's time for the Aguerros to be a family once again. And so, today, like the noble tree frog, whose third leg is nothing if not natural, Baby Peggy marches on... with her three-legged life. Steve, I'm coming. Excuse me. Medical emergency, thank you, please allow me through. Possible concussion, could faint at any time. Steve, I'm coming. No, no, no. Ma'am, you can't go back there. (Hartman speaks indistinctly) (grunting) MAN: Are you all right? Hi! Uh, Steve... Could someone please help him, maybe apply a, a vasoconstrictor or a nasal tampon, please? She's trying to kill me? (phone rings) She's trying to kill me. This is Hartman Hughes report... (Steve grunting) What the hell was that? It's this girl who Steve invited, sir. I didn't invite her. She's stalking me. (grunts) Never mind. There's a hurricane off the coast of Texas. Get to it. ANGUS: I'm sorry, it'll never happen again. If you three weren't the closest crew to Galveston, you'd be hitchhiking home by now. Yes, sir. Get off the phone. HARTMAN: Did you hear that about the tree frog? Every time she speaks, I smell anchor desk. STEVE: I get it, Hartman. You're trying to get back at me, but Mary's not the way. She's insane. She tried to kill me. Hartman, something's wrong with her. Hey. You didn't see that? You fell down, boo-hoo. I fell down? My legs were taken out from under me. What are you talking about? She's stalking me. Dude, she's not stalking you. MARY: Steve. Oh, sh... tell her I'm not here. Oh, shit! Tell her I'm not here. Steve, Steve. Hi, guys. HARTMAN: Hello, Mary. Hi. Hi. So sorry I was detained. I was questioned by authorities about an apparent crime against one of your co-workers, but all's been resolved. Steve... Considering you almost cost us our job, maybe now is not a great time. Well, I'm so sorry. I could call, I could call your employer and apologize. I could actually apologize in 17 different languages. Huh. (speaking foreign languages) So, Mary... Yes. We're going to Galveston; there's a big storm there. Oh, Galveston! What do you know about Galveston? What are you doing? Great, Galveston, uh... well, Galveston's the, uh, the South's new gay Mecca, one of the country's top-ten gay-friendliest cities. Huh. Yeah. Gay-friendly, Angus. Hi, Steve. Is she running alongside the van? What else you got? Oh, the biggest national disaster in American history. Really? There were 6,000 dead in, in Galveston alone, yeah. Ten, um... ten, uh... ten nu... ten nuns and 90, uh... STEVE: Angus, go faster. ...90 orphans. Oh, wow... Ask her why she's following me, please. Why are you stalking him? Oh, I'm not, uh, I'm not stalking. No, I'm not stalking. Stalking's an obsessive pursuit of prey. All right, but you're kind of following alongside his van. Oh, well, who wouldn't? Steven is a smart, decent, loving-- if he allows himself, right-- loving, talented human being with deep-seated fears, but I'm not going anywhere, Steve. I'm your rock, I'm your glue. Mary. Steve, hi. Go home, go. You should come. MARY: You know what word you never see in crosswords? "Go." That or any other two-letter words. The word "go"-- not fun. The word "vamoose"-- now, that's super fun. Yes, crosswords are a lot like life in that way. They're only boring if you have no sense of adventure. Uh, we didn't get to, um, light all the candles. That's okay. We can save 'em. Okay. Hi, Mary. Where you been? Yeah, I... I'm-I'm going to... I'm going to go meet Steve at his next job. Oh. Yeah. Galveston. Oh, yes, it's a storm. (laughs) Um, could you sign my autograph book before you go? Yeah, if I, uh... if I had a-a car, on my way to Galveston, I could go through Duran, Oklahoma, where they have the world's largest peanut. I love peanuts. Especially the giant ones. Yeah. Well, who-who doesn't? I know. Love 'em. MARY: Here you go. I'll drive. Really? Yeah. Why not? (laughs) All right, vamoose. (laughs) Vamoose, indeed. (indistinct conversation) So, uh, what... What kind of car do you have? A Gremlin. Oh. What year? '76. Oh, did you replace the two-wire ignition connector? Yes. The reverse doesn't work, and sometimes it stalls, but otherwise, it's good as new. You know, this storm could be nasty. Are we sure that we want to drive into it? Oh, come on. How bad could it be, right? (dramatic music plays) WOMAN: Storm Watch! Hurricane Lakisha expected to make landfall by tomorrow morning, and what makes the situation even more frightening-- that area of Texas currently in the midst of the worst tornado season in history. And here's where things get interesting. Add a looming cicada migration, and no one knows just how devastating this storm could be. Did you know that back in the '80s when everyone's concern was with the aerosol cans, it was actually the cows and their gasses which were actually doing the most damage to the ozone layer? (laughter) # Turn off your radio # # Come on, come on # # You're gonna feel all right # # Come on, come on # # Let's do the panic tonight... # (gasping) A little wrinkled old lady. Yeah. That-That's Mother Teresa. She's my bestseller. I'm-I'm an apple sculptor. Really? I love apples. Yeah? I do. Well, I-I... I went to school for physics, but I got bored, so I, um... so now I just make these and sell them on AppleHeadsRule.com. Oh. Here. Uh, let me show you another one. Uh, Clay Aiken! That's Clay Aiken. Oh, I... I love him! You know, I was sitting at home just thinking that I had everything I needed right there, and... and-and then I just thought, "Maybe there's more." You know? Ma-Maybe this is the road I'm supposed to be on. (inhales deeply) Maybe it is. PAULA: And now we go out to Hartman Hughes who is enjoying some fresh air. Hartman, not getting too wet, are you? HARTMAN: Paula, the only thing keeping me from falling into the bottomless depths of these shark-infested waters is this flimsy, two-by-four railing. And the Galvestonians here are hoping that this storm will not surpass the storm of 1900, when 6,000 people lost their lives. Nuns, orphans washed out to sea. This is Hartman Hughes in Galveston... (laughing): in the middle of a mild storm, reporting from the edge. All right. Good work. Good job. Happy to help. Holy shit, there's Mary! Where? (bell clanging) You know, you're an asshole. (grunts) You know what? I love dressing up. I do. But guys, those panties are short on sparkle. Thank the good Lord for the Bedazzler. (laughing) Guys? Hold on. (tires squealing) Oh, crap. Oh, God. (tires squealing, engine chugging) (excited mumbling) Oh! Go. Okay, reverse. Reverse. Reverse. The car won't start. Reverse doesn't work. Oh, my God. Okay, put it in drive. Put it in drive. Put it in drive. I can't. It's stalled. Okay. Okay. What...? Oh, God. It will not start. Okay, okay. What are we going to do? Uh, uh. Okay, okay, okay, uh, uh, uh... Crap! Storm drain. O-Okay? Okay. Okay. Back there. Guys, come on. Give me your hand. Ow, ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (deep rumbling) Oh, my God. HOWARD: Geez, that one's close! (yells) Run! Keep running! Come on. (yelling) (panicked shouts) Everybody, get in. Oh, my God! Get in and go all the way down. Okay. Keep going. We're going to be okay now. We're going to be fine. Yay! Ponchos. MARY: Yes. No such thing as too prepared for adversity, my friends. (insect chitters) Oh! Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh! Oh! (gasps) Oh. Oh. Oh! Oh! Insecta hemiptera of the suborder auchenorrhyncha. Cicada. His species only comes around every 17 years. Add these very, very smart cicadas to a tornado and it's like a once-in- a-lifetime natural miracle. Do you know how lucky we are? (shrieks) Cool. (loud rumble) (whooshing) Shit! (wind whistling and rumbling) MARY: Curse words. Swearing, profanity, expletives, a good old cuss. Maybe these words aren't such a good idea in some places, such as crosswords or kindergarten, but when amongst friends and in a sewer, it's perfectly acceptable to have a mouth like one. (hissing) (hissing) My car. Storm's over. What else is happening? All quiet. (phone rings) Hey, Chris, any celebrities arrested for drunk driving today? (chuckling) Give me the phone. Angus, how in the hell do you miss a tornadocane? Please, sir, give us another chance. You keep this up and you're leaving me no choice. Get me downed street signs... Please, sir, I... ...damaged boats, drowned puppies, whatever... and then I want you all in my office Tuesday morning at 9:00. (sneezing) Sorry, sir, I... They're through, all of them, finished. Find out if Vasquez is happy at NNC. We need to go shoot some b-roll of the storm damage. I'm not scared of love. Just... I went on one date with her, Mom, I went on one date with her. HARTMAN: B-roll? (scoffs) A complete waste of my handsome gifts. Where's a decent tragedy when you need one, huh? (excited shouts) ANNOUNCER: Strap in, everybody, we're going to do the Himalaya. Who wants to go forward and who wants to go backward? Hey, kids, who's ready for some fun? (all cheering) (thunderous rumble) No...! You can knit this handy purse. Oh, but my favourite PHS... I'm sorry, we're going to have to interrupt. Breaking news from Silver Plume, Colorado. A group of hearing-impaired children have plummeted into an abandoned mine shaft, and now... Yeah, I just heard. Who are we sending to cover it? What? PAULA: ...enjoying a trip to the county fair, blissfully unaware... Is there no one else? DEEJAY: There's no word yet on injuries, John, but we are getting reports that a crane is on its way to the scene to try and rescue those poor deaf children before the ground collapses on top of them. Judy, John, back to you. Now, that's a great story. Angus, where'd you get those? Hmm? Mary could have planted those. You think she poisoned our chips? Well, can you prove that she didn't, huh? Did you buy them? I didn't buy them. Did you b... oh, you don't buy anything. You didn't buy... did you buy 'em? You know, poisoning is the number-one murder method for crazy women. Are you kidding me? Nope. Hey. Everything's got to go out. We got to flush it. We got to flush it, guys. Give a hoot, don't pollute. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. You know, my old man was a combat journalist in 'Nam. Hard to fill those boots, huh? Got killed before I ever had a chance to say good-bye to him. Yeah, if I ever get that anchor desk, he's going to be really proud of me in Heaven. Well, looks like we found the eye of the storm, guys. Holy shit, there's Mary. Oh, my God. Oh, come on. (tires screeching) Oh, my God, it's Steve. Steve. Steve. STEVE: What are you doing? Getting some air. What? What are you writing? You're not telling her where we're going. I'm making some notes! Leave me alone! Will you stop it? All right. Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. Oh, Jesus, she's got a machete. Where the hell did she get a machete?! Oh, man, she's gonna pluck my eyes out, man. She is gonna carve my eyes out, and she's gonna make me eat 'em. I swear to God. I've read about it on the Internet... Oh, my God, she's going to cut my feet off. I'm not going to be able to walk, man. She's going to make me eat my legs. She's going to make you eat your legs? Yeah, I read about it. Oh, really? Oh, I'm sure you... What, some sort of pimiento leg loaf? Hey, you think this is funny? Ha, ha, ha! I've read up on this! I know what... Ha, ha! (laughing) Shut up, just shut up, just shut up, just shut...! (screams) Shut up! All right?! Jesus, where do I begin? Hartman, for the love of God, stop tanning. You look like a Cheese Nip. You look like an orange with lips. You look like a wrinkled peach. And you, Geraldo, lose the wig. You look like a retired porn star. Who you fooling? Oh, that's a great disguise, Einstein. The van's the same, dumbass. Mary is not a psycho. You're the psycho. She's just a smart girl with red boots. HARTMAN: That's good work, Angus. I knew you had some balls in those Underoos. Okay... oh. Okay, uh, "Deaf kids in a mine. Silver Plume. Please meat... me." Meat. (sighs) "Please meat." M-E-A-T. "Please meat me there. X-O, Steve." See, he needs me, if only to help with his spelling. (chuckles) You know what one of my favourite ingredients of crosswording is? Perseverance. If you quit a puzzle, you can't finish it. Sure, every once in a while you run into a doozy that you don't think you could ever solve in a million years, but if you stick with it, you figure it out. Eventually. Worst thing you can do is leave it unfinished. It's never the solution, is it? (sighs) You know what my favourite part of a crossword is? When you realize you know something you didn't think you knew. Maybe. To Colorado, then? # You've got all the sugar... # Yay. Yay. Yay. # You'll ever need. # Hey, people, back it up. This ground can collapse at any time, so please, please back it up. MAN: All right, here we go, guys, start lowering them down. Vasquez. Hey, what's he doing with his hands? Son of a bitch. I haven't had my big moment yet, so I got to find something. They're all okay. (crowd cheering) All right, on three. Three, two, one. Elation here in Colorado, and yet danger lurking at every corner, as rescuers bring the besmudged little cherubs up one at a time. (voice breaking): Thank God they're all right. Thank you, God. (car grinding and rattling) (hissing) That's the last of 'em. (crowd cheering) He's out. NEWSCASTER: The last child is now rescued, with the parents rejoicing along with the many workers and... wait, wait a minute. There's something happening. The ground seems to be collapsing. The head of the crane is actually shaking. Oh, this is terrible. (rumbling) (crowd screaming) (screaming) HARTMAN: A happy ending, and yet parents around the country wondering, "Is my family in danger from an abandoned mine? Is my backyard an abandoned mine?" MAN: Danger's passed. MAN #2: Thank God they're all safe. Is that him? Yeah. (sighs) Well, "Truth is truth to the end of reckoning." Shakespeare. What do I say to these complete strangers... Bye. Bye. ...one that has left parents across this country wondering, "How do I keep my family safe "from abandoned mines? Is my bedroom..." Holy shit. "...king-size bed on top "of an abandoned mine? "Is my child's school built on top of an abandoned mine? Are abandoned mines always unsafe?" WOMAN: Did you see that? Mary's in the hole. (crowd screaming) Don't be ridiculous. MAN: Somebody else went in. (clamouring) Keep back from the tape now. What? WOMAN: Use the handheld, come on, let's go. Did somebody fall in the mine? (laughs) Tell her help is on the way. We're working on getting a new crane. Just need her to confirm she's conscious. Here. (garbled radio transmission) (Mary coughs) (water splashing) (gasping) (grunts) (under breath): Okay. I am not afraid. Not afraid. Nor am I frightened. Okay. Um... (sighs) Uh... (nervous giggle) Hello? It is, it is me, Mary Horowitz. Yes, I-I seem to have fallen into the mine. Hello? Everyone? It's, uh, me, Mary Horowitz. Hello? People, please move back. (garbled radio transmission) Back up. The ground is unstable. Back it up. So, she just dove in that hole. Like a gopher. No, dude. Not like a gopher, like a human being. She was running after me and she fell in the hole. DAN: That's the way to get your heads out of your asses. That shot of Steve's girlfriend falling into the pit is priceless. We got the inside advantage here, so let's use it. Get Steve ready to go on and talk about his girlfriend as soon as we get the graphics together. 15 minutes. (laughing) Here he comes. All right, you people are ruining the ferns. Can you comment on the rumours that Mary's fall into the mine was a suicide attempt? Wha... that's ridiculous. Not our Mary. The word "depression" is not in her vocabulary. All right, obviously, i-it is in her vocabulary, but... No, no. Uh, she-she never lets anything get her down. But living at home at her age, clearly not a normal situation. Not normal? We-we love having her here. (reporters clamouring) Yes. Yes, yes, we love having her here. Yes, we do. Fumigation can't be rushed. (reporters clamouring) MRS. HOROWITZ: Go! VASQUEZ: Now, I don't want to speculate here, Ow! but if the ground did collapse, Ow! Ow! Ow! could that not result in death? Ow! Ow! Ow! Or, at the absolute least, horrible disfigurement? I don't want to speculate either. But yes, absolutely. It could. And as we await the tragic fate of Mary Horowitz, attention now on the boots she was wearing when she slipped into the mine. A story I couldn't tell until I'd walked a mile in Mary's shoes. Take a look. It's hour one and it's as if my feet have been placed in vice grips. We're at the two-hour mark and actually, right now I feel pretty... (grunts) PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. Your party! DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? I like it. MARY: Light source. And God said, "Let there be... (sighs) ...light." Oh, voila. Yes. Yes, perfect. Yes. This is... (screaming) Oh! Oh, my God. They forgot one. You scared the crap out of me. (sighs) Hi. I'm-I'm sorry. Uh, can you, uh, can you... can you hear me? I mean, at all? Do you have sensory neural hearing loss, or do you have conductive? Because if, if... it-it... She doesn't hear me. Okay. You know, I understand a little bit of sign language, so if you want to, you know... No? Okay. Uh, "Deaf people can do anything except for hear." Do you know who said that? Dr. Jordan. First deaf President at Gallaudet U. Yeah. Maybe you'll go there one day. If we both don't perish down here. (rustling) Hold on. I'll be right back. Y-You stay here, okay? Okay. HARTMAN: Well, Paula, apparently, they're going to keep it old school and simple. A piece of paper and number two pencil. This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge. Cut. Herbert wants you on next. I told you, I am not her boyfriend, Angus. Yeah, but you're the one that encouraged her to come here to begin with. You're the one that asked her Guys! to come here, not me. Guys! NNC has got their hands on everything but her panty size. What? Our Mary? Yes. Son of a bitch. Vasquez scooped us? (groaning) (dirt pattering) (sighs) Behold, notice of our imminent rescue. Oh, okay. Okay. This is good news. This is good news. Okay. They're going to tell us something wonderful, and it says... "Mary, are you...?" Oh. That's a good sign, right there. Oh, God. What's it say, son? Millions of people are watching. Um, okay. "I think you mean, 'am I conscious?' Not, 'am I conscience?'" (laughing) "Conscious means alert and awake. "Conscience is your inner morality gauge. "You know, the thing that stops you from doing bad things, "e.g. killing, stealing, harming helpless animals and whatnot." Can we leave her down there? Uh... "To answer your question, yes, I am conscious. "Uh, my leg is bleeding, (crying) "but I'll probably live. Yours Truly, Mary Horowitz." Yes! "P.S. Did anyone lose a little deaf girl? "I found one. "She's fine... Oh, no! ...other than not being able to hear, I mean." (crowd murmuring) They missed a child? Can't these people count? Thank God for this woman Mary Horowitz. Let's bring up that picture of her again. Yesterday, Mary Horowitz. Today, Mary Horowitz, hero. I'm coming This just in, speculation now to save you! as to whether or not Mary Horowitz intentionally heaved herself into the mine to save the poor deaf child. After rescuers ignored her desperate, desperate pleas. HARTMAN: Paula, I'm here with Steve Muller. Steve's girlfriend Mary Horowitz struggling for her life down in the abandoned mine as we speak. She's not my girlfriend and I'm not going to say that just to get ratings. Okay? And the truth is, I don't really even want to do this. Mary Horowitz described as freakishly intelligent. These words also describe Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber. However, you never know about these people. But people deserve to know the truth about her. I mean, she sees things that other people don't, and she's kind and... and I think she means well, even though sh... when she does things, they're just a little... unusual. And she's smart. She's super smart. And not in a freakish way, in... as, like, she has a gift. I mean, she knows everything. Everything but who not to trust, and how not to get hurt and... and how to survive us. And she doesn't pretend to be somebody that she's not. And she certainly doesn't deserve to be where she is now. MARY: Maybe if I just do this, I can... (clattering) Uh-oh. Oh. (coughing) (sighs) The tracks down there just... just keep going and going down and... (coughing) Let's concentrate on this, that, and that and we'll... But not to... not to worry. I'll, I'll get us out of here. I hope that crane gets here soon. I hope so, too. 'Cause if there's carbon monoxide down there... But the air is coming through the top. Even at concentrations of five PPM, they could suffocate. (sighs) (coughing) I am so sorry. (moaning) (voice breaking): She has stolen a little piece of my heart. STEVE: What'd the site engineer say? The stress fractures are worsening by the minute. (sighing) The longer they're down there, the greater the chance of collapse. If they thought the air quality was bad, try a 50-foot span of rock and earth dropping down there. Oh, Jesus. That's a bunch of horse shit. She's going to be fine. Odds are, she won't. We got to go on. What are we going to say? Just say she's not going to make it? Her whole family is watching, Angus. Christ. I'll be back in a minute. Hughes. All right, two minutes. That's it. Some blind date, huh? Here's a candle. Hi, Winston. Maybe I'll feel better if I pretend that it's Mary's surprise party. I'm, um, I'm making an apple head for Mary for when she gets out. And she's going to get out. # And I don't know why life # # It seems to be... # This one's going to work. # So hard for dreamers # # Like you and me... # WOMAN (over radio): Rescuers are desperate for the crane to reach them within the hour. MAN (over TV): Helicopters are out of the question because of all the power lines. Hope is fading fast. WOMAN (over TV): The earth tremors are getting stronger. They have to get out soon. # Everywhere... # Other side. Oh! (coughing) (grunting) I can't do this. I can't get us out of here. Guess what. Mary Horowitz doesn't have the answers. (chuckles uneasily) Or a job. And-and my job mattered. I was the Sacramento Herald's crossword constructor, and I threw it all away for what? (spluttering sigh) "Mary, Steve wants you to come be with us. He needs you." Really? Methinks the media lies. A little? Words, people. Words. There are meaningful words. There are pointless words. And then, there are words that hurt. "Mary, why can't you be like every other girl?" "Mary, where do you get all that useless information?" "Mary, why do you talk like that?" "Mary, Mary!" You know, it's-it's... Oh, oh, oh, oh. And the piece de resistance-- yes. "Mary, why do you wear those stupid red boots all the time?" You want to know why? Huh? Do you want to know why? Okay, I will tell you why. I wear them because they make my toes feel like ten friends on a camping trip. That's why I wear them. We're finished. (sniffles) The ground is gonna collapse. We're gonna perish. I just want to go home. Sorry. "I don't know "what you're saying... but you talk too much." (chortles) I know. I know. (spluttering sigh) (sniffles) (indistinct conversations) HOWARD: Hughes. Not now. You wrote the note telling Mary to come here. You brought her here, and if she dies... This is just a fence. Being on that side of it doesn't make you any better. You did that. (newscasters clamouring) Mary. She did this. He was my ticket to normal. Yeah. "Why would you want... to be normal?" I don't. I don't. These will keep you warm. Yeah. "Maybe someone... "will figure out how to... save... us." (sighs) Maybe. Maybe. Say that again. "Maybe someone..." Maybe... Maybe. Little deaf girl... it's time for us to go home. Why aren't they doing anything? (panting) How much... how much do you weigh? 50 pounds, give or take? Okay. See? Just get it right down here. Just get it all over the joints. When I got kicked out of Girl Scouts and all the other girls were learning how to sell cookies, I was at home-- ow-- reading physics books. Voila. ANGUS: Hart, what are you doing? I told you two minutes. It's my fault Mary's in the hole. But like Patton said, "A bad plan violently executed today is better than a great plan tomorrow." (military march plays) So, I'm gonna pull the lever, push the cart, and up we go, okay? I'm coming, Mary Horowitz! I'm coming! I'm coming to save you! (screaming) What the...?! One, two... (Hartman screaming) (gasping) Okay. Pretty good drop. You guys doing all right? Hmm, hmm, but we were... we were just on... on... you know. (screams) Something just touched me! Oh! Something bit me! Something... Help! (sighing) There's something in that water. I... something nibbled at my leg. Hartman Hughes just jumped-- I repeat, jumped-- into the mine. REPORTER: Grabbing onto a hose that was attached to nothing, he literally dove right into the mine. All eyes now not only on Mary Horowitz, but also CCN reporter Hartman Hughes. Why the hell didn't I think of that? Did you... check the perimeter for spiders? Uh, yes. Yes, I did. It's really... scary down here. You know, if my old man could see me now... I'm sorry I... I got you into this. I'm sorry. Thanks. Um... how much do you weigh? And as this pulls back and pulls us upwards, I'll be cradling her here, and I'll be cradling you here. Maybe you... you would like to be holding us like this when we go up. No, no, it's... it's your plan, and I don't want to take the credit. I'd like to take the credit. Okay. ANGUS: I don't know, he said something about Patton and a bad plan. Did you see the cable just move? Okay, get the camera right now. We... Steve... MAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa... you, sir. That cable's moving-- looks like they're coming up. Is there anything I can do to help out? We're doing everything we can. I know, but can it take all that weight? HARTMAN: Foot in the stirrup? MARY: Yes. Okay. All set. All right. Okay. (sighing) You ready? Are you ready? Yeah, I just hope this works. Yeah, you and me. Hold on. What's that? Oh, oh. Thank you. Appreciate that. Thank you. I'm camera ready. Okay. Okay. All right. (sighs) Okay. Three, two, one. (clanging) (Mary screaming) MARY: If life is like a crossword puzzle, then its worth, its greatness, should be judged in the same way. Is it solvable? REPORTER: The crane is beginning to tilt over... I think... I think they're coming up-- it's hard to tell what's going on. NEWSCASTER: Rising out of the Earth... Is it entertaining? (metal groaning) Does it sparkle? (crowd cheering) (laughing) WOMAN: Oh, this is incredible. Oh, my God, Mary! # And did you finally get the chance # # To dance along the light of day? # Whoo! (horn droning) (yelping excitedly) (cheering) Whoo-hoo! Oh, yeah! Ow! (cheering) (excited shouts) # Your best friend # # Always sticking up for you # Look at him! # Tell me # Come on, pull! You okay? # Did you sail across the sun? # # Did you make it to the Milky Way? # # To see the lights are faded # # And that heaven is overrated # Hartman Hughes! REPORTER: There's Hartman Hughes. REPORTER #2: Hartman, Mary Horowitz... Mary Horowitz... ...and the deaf child! Looks like we're going to have to give her her job back. Our own Hartman Hughes becoming the hero of this story, risking his own life to save the life of Mary Horowitz and an unidentified little girl... I'm going to have to make that idiot anchor. There you go. You okay? REPORTER: Mary, what are you wearing?! Um, I'm-I'm going to go. Okay, thanks. You're welcome. Hey. Yeah? Have a nice life. Okay. REPORTER: How did you know there was another child trapped? REPORTER #2: Mary, what happened to your boots? REPORTER #3: Mary, are you a true blonde? Mary, here, ooh, Whoa! Mary, are you okay? Yes. Yes, I am. Uh, uh, a few lacerations, but I was able to tourniquet them off with this bandana that I found... I never should've said anything to you that, uh... I didn't mean. Um, I'm sorry. Um... Here. (giggles) (laughing) Thank you for the loan. You're welcome. (whispering): I have to go. (onlookers clamouring) Okay. Bye. Bye. Mary? Don't ever change. For anybody. I'm Jewish-Catholic. I'm pretty much set in stone. (chuckles) WOMAN: Welcome back, Mary! MAN: We love you, Mary! (crowd cheering) (joyful shouts) REPORTER: Mary, any statement at all? (cheers, laughing) (squealing) I missed you guys so much! (gasping) Mary Horowitz. Angus? Let's finish this. HARTMAN: Hughes, Hartman Hughes. Move aside, move aside. Hey! Get in here. Hey! Come on. Oh, it's good to see you guys. Come here, Steve. No, no! Come on, buddy. Good to see you. No! Okay, all right. Come on, professional. Let's do this. Hartman Hughes, you reminded us to believe in miracles. What does it feel like to be a hero? I'm not a hero. I'm a humble guy who's lucky to be alive and, uh, I think any hardworking, patriotic American would've jumped in that hole. Once he knew, uh, there was a little girl down there and a good-looking lady, single, huh? (crowd laughing) (cheers, applause) MARY: New York Times Crossword editor Will Shortz says we have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces. I like to think he means not just crosswords, but the empty spaces inside of us that come from making your way in a world that doesn't always embrace unique. I tried to fill my empty spaces with words... and puzzles... and Steve. (cheers) We love you! But that wasn't the answer. Now I know. On the journey of life, just find someone as normal as you. If not... a whole bunch! Oh, and here's a little bit of fresh Mary Horowitz wisdom. If you love someone, set him free. If you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place. (laughing) # My face to the sky # # Dreaming about just how high #