WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2017 MAN: I WAS BORN A BABY. A BLANK SLATE. THINKING I WAS IN CONTROL OF MY OWN DESTINY. AND THEN I MET MY FATHER. ("CHARIOTS OF FIRE" THEME PLAYS) YOU BETTER BE GOOD AT THIS STUFF. MAN: IN COLLEGE, I WASN'T THE MOST GIFTED ATHLETE, BUT IN ORDER TO PLEASE MY DAD, I STRIVED TO BE THE VERY BEST. OH, A LITTLE HELP! ALREADY OUT OF CONTROL. I'M LOSING VISION. BLACKNESS. YOU GUYS-- YOU MIGHT WANT TO MOVE OUT OF THERE, I GOTTA LET GO OF THIS THING. UH-OH. LOOK OUT! FOR PETE'S SAKE! ("CHARIOTS OF FIRE" THEME CONTINUES) (YELLS) (GROANS) HOW FAR WAS THAT? A FOOT AND THREE INCHES. HOPE YOU BOYS ARE READY. SEE YOU AT THE FINISH LINE. THERE'S A... THERE'S A RABID CHEETAH IN LANE TWO HERE. RUNNERS, TAKE YOUR MARK. GET SET! (GUN FIRES) HOLD ON! WAIT! (AGONIZED CRIES) I GOT IT... RIGHT BELOW THE KNEE, THE NUB. OH, THAT HURTS. (GRUNTING) (PANTING) NO, NO, NO, NO. YOUR DAY'S OVER, PHIL. PHIL: YES, I WAS QUITE THE ATHLETE. (GASPS) SO MUCH SO, THAT I CAUGHT THE EYE OF THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN SCHOOL. OH... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? SORRY ABOUT THAT. YEAH. YEAH, IT'S NO PROB. THERE'S A HORRIBLE WIND. UH, NO, THERE ISN'T. THERE IS OVER THERE. # YOU KNOW OUR LOVE WAS MEANT TO BE... # DAD? HEY, DAD, BARBARA SAID "YES." HEY, SON. THIS IS JANICE, I MET HER AT THE A & P. HI. WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED. CAN I TALK TO YOU? ALONE? YEAH. BE RIGHT BACK. NICE TO MEET YOU, BARBARA. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU. SHE'S GREAT-LOOKING. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE'S TERRIFIC. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED? LOOK, PHIL, I'M LONELY. I'M A MAN. IT HASN'T BEEN EASY FOR ME SINCE YOUR MOM DIED. SHE DIDN'T DIE. SHE DIVORCED YOU. MM, TOMATOES, TOMAH-TOES... YOU KNOW. (CHUCKLES) BABY... PHIL: ONE YEAR LATER, ON THE PROUDEST DAY OF MY LIFE, HE WAS RIGHT THERE BY MY SIDE. THERE HE IS, YOUR GRANDSON. YEAH. SAM, SEVEN POUNDS, SIX OUNCES. OH, BY THE WAY, HE HAD A SON ON THE SAME DAY. TAKE A GANDER AT YOUR BROTHER BUCKY. SEVEN POUNDS, SEVEN. JUST A LITTLE BIT BIGGER. (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) PHIL: WELCOME TO MY LIFE. # IS IT A SURE-FIRE WAY TO SPEED THINGS UP # # WHEN ALL IT DOES IS SLOW ME DOWN... # (TYRES SCREECHING) EXCUSE ME. HEY, YOU DIDN'T NEED TO TAKE UP TWO SPOTS. ACTUALLY, I DO. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS BAD BOY, HUH? THIS IS CUTE THOUGH, HUH? YOU'RE SAVING THE ENVIRONMENT FOR ALL OF US. GO HEMP. (LAUGHS) UNBELIEVABLE. OKAY, BOYS. KEEP IT DOWN. KEEP IT SIMPLE. HEY, HONEY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? IT'S A TIE GAME, IT'S ALMOST OVER. OH, I'M SORRY. I JUST... I GOT CAUGHT AT WORK, AND THEN I HAD TO PARK IN THE FAR PARKING LOT. LET'S GO, GLADIATORS! WHERE'S SAM? HE'S ON THE BENCH. YOU'RE KIDDING ME. NO. GO, BUCKY! LET'S GO, BUCKY! FINISH IT OFF! FINISH IT OFF! (WHISTLE BLOWS) YAY, BUCKY! BUCKY! BUCKY. OKAY, BUCKY. DAD: YES! YES! (CHEERING) THAT'S MY BOY, BUCKY! BUCKY! HEY, BIG GUY, HOW'D IT GO? IT WENT GREAT. BENCH IS NICE AND WARM. I'M GONNA SEE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT THAT, OKAY? WE'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE HOUSE, DAD. YOU PLAYED GREAT, SON. YOU PLAYED GREAT. DAD: I'M PROUD OF YOU. COME ON, BUDDY. (GASPING) HI, YOU GUYS. HEY. OH, BARB. HEY, LOOKS WHO'S HERE. TWO OF MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE AND PHIL. VERY FUNNY, DAD. HAVEN'T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE. HEY, BUCK. PHIL: I SEE YOU GOT A NEW CASE FOR THE PELE BALL. BUCK: THAT'S MY BALL. GET AWAY FROM THAT. DON'T GET ANY IDEAS. DON'T EVEN TOUCH IT. WATCH THIS. AND NOW, AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE KING. HI, I'M BUCK WESTON-- KING OF SPORTING GOODS. ME. YOU CAN SAVE BIG ON ALL KINDS OF BALLS. BASKETBALLS... FOOTBALLS... HOCKEY PUCKS. THOSE ACTING LESSONS REALLY PAID OFF. YEAH, I GOT FOUR STORES NOW, AND I'M OPENING A FIFTH, NEXT MONTH, IN YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS. YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT A JOB? I GOT A JOB, DAD. OH, YEAH, WHAT, SELLING VITAMINS? IN FACT, YOU NEED TO TAKE MORE VITAMINS. I TAKE A VITAMIN EVERY DAY. IT'S CALLED A STEAK. NOW, LOOK. I CAME UP WITH THIS MYSELF. LOOK AT THIS. I'M BUCK WESTON. ALL: AND HE'S GOT BALLS! PRETTY GOOD, EH? WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK THIS IS YOUR BEST COMMERCIAL YET. IT WAS PRETTY GOOD. GRIPPING. GRIPPING. (MOTOR WHIRRING) DITKA. STAY AWAY FROM THAT, OKAY? HERE WE GO AGAIN. HEY, DITKA, WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF? HEY, KNOCK IT OFF, WOULD YOU? (BLOWER WHIRRING) HEY, DO THAT LATER, WOULD YOU? I GOT COMPANY! DOING MY LAWN. LOOK, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A NICE FAMILY GATHERING, ALL RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO GET MY YARD CLEAN, THAT'S ALL. YOU'RE MESSING UP MY YARD. LET ME ASK YOU-- THE WHOLE WORLD'S GOTTA STOP BECAUSE YOU GOT A FAMILY GATHERING? NO, I GOT A... I'M TRYING TO DO MY LAWN OVER HERE! GUYS, MAYBE JUST... HEY, STAY OUT OF THIS. IT'S BETWEEN US, OKAY? TAKE SOME OF THIS BACK, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT IT. HEY, KNOCK IT OFF! IT'S ALL FOR YOU. YOU'RE NUTS. GUYS! GUYS! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, DITKA? TAKE IT BACK! (BLOWER WHIRRING) HERE, YOU GET THE WHOLE THING! WE'LL SETTLE THIS LATER, OKAY? YEAH, YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME. YEAH, EXACTLY. I GOT THIS FOR YOU, TOO! GET OUT OF HERE! (gasping) JANICE: PHIL, COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? DAD, HE HIT ME. HE HIT ME WITH THE BALL. HEY, DAD... WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YOUR FISH? THAT ONE ATE THE OTHERS. I CALL HIM KILLER. KILLER? YEAH. I LIKE IT. YOU MIGHT WANT TO CLEAN THE WATER EVERY NOW AND THEN. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO. HEY, DAD, I DIDN'T KNOW IF, UH... I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SAM. SAMMY'S A GOOD BOY. YEAH, YEAH. YEAH. HE HASN'T BEEN PLAYING MUCH LATELY AND I DIDN'T KNOW... STOP RIGHT THERE. I AGREE WITH YOU, AND I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS. HE'S GONNA GET A LOT MORE PLAYING TIME NOW. DAD, THANKS, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. I TRADED HIM TO THE TIGERS. OOH! HEY! (ELECTRICAL SIZZLING) YOU TRADED YOUR OWN GRANDSON? WELL, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY GET ANYTHING FOR HIM. YOU KNOW, THAT COST 400 BUCKS. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. WHAT, YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? I'LL SHOW YOU THE RECEIPT. NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT SAM. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PLAY HIM MORE? HE IS GONNA PLAY MORE, PHILLY. YEAH, FOR ANOTHER TEAM. YOU CARE ABOUT WINNING THAT MUCH? LOOK, PHIL, I'M NOT JUST COACHING SOCCER, I'M BUILDING MEN. OKAY... YEAH. HEY. HEY, HEY. IT'S AN IMPRESSIVE SHOT, SURE. BUT, YOU KNOW, I WANT SAM TO HAVE FUN. THIS ISN'T THE BIG LEAGUES. FOR THOSE WHO LIVE BETWEEN BROADWAY AND GRANDVILLE, BETWEEN THE AGES OF 10 AND 12, WHO ARE FREE ON SUNDAYS AND TUESDAYS, THIS IS THE BIG LEAGUES. BUT WHAT ABOUT SAM? SAM, YOU SAW HIM OUT THERE TODAY. IT BREAKS MY HEART. AT BEST, HE'S A BENCH WARMER. WOW. OH, KILLER! KILLER! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? HEY, SAM, YOU WANT TO GIVE US A MINUTE? NEED A LITTLE ADULT TIME. UH-HUH. OF ALL THE ASININE THINGS MY DAD HAS DONE, THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST ASININE. I MEAN, I KNOW HE'S THE MOST COMPETITIVE MAN IN THE WORLD, BUT THIS BEATS THEM ALL. I AM ANGRY. I'M-I'M SPITTING ANGRY! I'M LIKE A TORNADO OF ANGER SWIRLING ABOUT. MY HEART RATE IS DANGEROUSLY HIGH RIGHT NOW. I'M GLAD IT HAPPENED. WHAT?! YEAH. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHERE DID MY WIFE GO? ARE YOU A ROBOT? ARE YOU A ROBOT WOMAN? I AM NOT A ROBOT. PHIL, HONEY, I KNOW THIS IS UPSETTING, OKAY, BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY TO FIND THE POSITIVE IN THIS. IT WAS UNHEALTHY FOR SAM TO PLAY ON YOUR DAD'S TEAM. NOW HE'LL PLAY FOR THE TIGERS AND HAVE SOME FUN. OKAY, LOOK. YOU'RE TOO UPSET ABOUT THIS, SO I'LL TELL HIM, OKAY? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I... I NEED TO TELL HIM. (EXHALES) (GROANS): BENCH WARMER? (GROANS) BOY, DID THAT HURT MY FACE. (KNOCKING AT DOOR) SAMMY? YEAH? HEY. HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH, NOTHING. INTERNET DATING? NO. MAIL-ORDER BRIDE? NO. JUST KIDDING. LOOK, UH, I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS. I GOT YOU PUT ON A NEW TEAM. I'M NOT ON THE GLADIATORS ANYMORE? NO, YOU'RE ON THE TIGERS. (HISSING GROWL) YEAH. THE TIGERS?! THEY'RE IN LAST PLACE. YEAH, BUT YOU'RE GONNA GET MORE PLAYING TIME. DID GRANDPA TRADE ME? NO. YES. WAIT... GOSH, I'M HAPPY THIS HAS HAPPENED. THIS IS A GOOD THING. IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A GOOD THING, BUT IT'S A GOOD THING, 'CAUSE, TRUST ME, YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE THE KID THAT'S ON THE OTHER END OF THE BENCH. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT KID. 'CAUSE I KNOW THAT KID. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HIM. OKAY. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE KID WHO HAS SUCH SUPPRESSED RAGE, THAT HIS HEART'S ABOUT TO BURST THROUGH HIS CHEST. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE KID THAT WHEN HE THINKS ABOUT WHAT HIS DAD DID TO HIM... (HYPERVENTILATING): YOU... I KNOW THAT KID. I KNOW... THAT KID LIVES RIGHT HERE IN THIS HOUSE. MOM! (GASPING): OH... MOM! HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HE DOESN'T... OKAY? YES, GOOD. COACH BENSON'LL BE GOOD FOR YOU. HE KNOWS HIS STUFF. I BETCHA THIS WHOLE THING IS GONNA TURN OUT TO BE A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. HEY, THE TIGERS MAY BE IN LAST PLACE, BUT THOSE GUYS LOOK PRETTY GOOD. DAD... THOSE AREN'T THE TIGERS. THEY'RE NOT EVEN WEARING BLUE. TIGERS ARE OVER THERE. I'M HAVING A BABY. OH...! I'M HAVING A BABY! NO HITTING THE BABY. (urinating) NO, NO, DON'T HIT MY BABY. OH, LOOK, IT'S GONNA COME OUT. IT'S GONNA COME OUT! CUT IT OUT! OH, IT'S GONNA COME OUT! OH. HI, EXCUSE ME, UH, COACH BENSON AROUND? HEY, YOU ALL KNOW PHIL WESTON? MAN: OH, YEAH. HEY, WELCOME TO THE TEAM, LITTLE FELLA. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THOSE OTHER KIDS OVER THERE? YEAH, GO AHEAD. THERE'S A MOVING TRUCK IN FRONT OF BENSON'S HOUSE. DID YOU HEAR? THE PRESSURE OF COACHING GOT TO HIM. HE CRACKED. HOW COULD HE CRACK? WE'RE ONLY ONE GAME INTO THE SEASON. ALL RIGHT, TIGERS. IT'S GAME TIME. OH, BUT WE'RE WAITING FOR OUR COACH. WELL, THEN ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE TO COACH. YEAH, BUT I HAD TALKED TO COACH BENSON. WE'RE BRAND-NEW AND... HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. FIND YOURSELF A COACH OR THE TIGERS FORFEIT. YES? WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM? I'VE BEEN YOUR NEIGHBOUR FOR SEVEN YEARS. NO, THAT AIN'T IT. NO, THAT'S DEFINITELY IT. I'LL FIGURE IT OUT. SO WHO'S GOING TO COACH? WE GOT MARK INTO SOCCER 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE WANTED TO TAKE A BREAK. I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE COACHING THE LITTLE BUGGER. I JUST GOT LAID OFF. I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB. IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO DRAG MYSELF OUT OF BED. SO, UH, WE FORFEIT. SO, WE'RE FORFEITING? NO, NO, NO. NO. UH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN COACH. WELL, THAT'S SWELL. GREAT. JUST FOR ONE GAME. ALL RIGHT, IT'S GAME TIME. GET YOUR TEAM ON THE FIELD. WHO ARE WE PLAYING? HOW 'BOUT USE YOUR EYES? OH, GREAT. BUCK: ALL RIGHT, GUYS. EVERYBODY UP, LET'S GO, COME ON. COME ON, LIFT THEM! LIFT THEM. (GRUNTING) (CHUCKLES) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHERE'S BENSON? BENSON'S A NO-SHOW. I'M GONNA COACH THE TIGERS TODAY. WHOA... YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT? REFEREE: HOW YOU DOING, BUCK? PLAYERS TAKE THE FIELD. GOOD LUCK, BUCK. GOOD LUCK. YEAH, YOU, TOO. MAY THE BEST MAN WIN. OH, HE WILL. YEAH. (LAUGHS) (WHISTLES): J.T., LET'S GO! HEY, LET'S GO, EVERYBODY! HEY! HEY! OKAY, LET'S GO, GUYS. OKAY, TIGERS, UH... WHY DON'T WE HAVE STARTERS TAKE THE FIELD. WE DON'T HAVE STARTERS. WE NEVER GOT THAT FAR. ALL RIGHT, WELL THEN HOW 'BOUT, UH, YOU, YOU... YES! YOU. ME? NO, NOT YOU. YOU. SAM. YOU. YOU, YOU, YOU AND YOU. YOU GUYS, HIT THE FIELD. (CLAPPING) ALL RIGHT. GO GET THEM! HUH? GET THEM, GUYS! GO GET THEM. THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US, YOU KNOW. I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? WE'RE GONNA GET KILLED. OH, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE. YEAH, I DO. AND IT'S GOING TO BE AWFUL. CHARGE...! ("WALKIE-TALKIE MAN" PLAYING) (BOYS SHOUTING) (SCREAMING) GET THAT BALL! YEAH! THAT WAS FAST. # AND A-MOVIN' AND A-GROOVIN' AND A-HIPPIN' AND A-HOPPIN' # # AND A-PICKIN' AND A-BOPPIN', THOSE BODS ARE BEING BAD... # SORRY ABOUT THE FALL, SAM. SEE YOU AT THE BARBECUE! COME ON! # YOU GET TO SAY IT LOUD, GOTTA CODE THREE... # (GRUNTS) WOW. # HE'S FAT # # AND HE DON'T RUN TOO FAST # HEY! # BUT HE'S FASTER # # THAN ME... # HEY! HEY! HEY! YOU WANT TO GO IN? NO, I-I'M FINE. NO. YOU GUYS? NO, I'M COOL. I'M STAYING. # HE'S A WALKIE-TALKIE MAN # # WELL, YOU'RE WALKIN', AND A-TALKIN' AND A-MOVIN' AND A-GROOVIN' # # AND A-HIPPIN' AND A-HOPPIN', AND A PICKIN' AND BOPPIN', THOSE BODS. # (SCREAMING) (YELLING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (BOY SCREAMING) THAT'S THE GAME! (BLOWS WHISTLE) BUCK: POETRY IN MOTION! PHILLY! (applause) (sighs) PHIL: BRING IT ON IN. GATHER ROUND. COME ON IN. GOOD JOB. (PHIL EXHALES) (POPPING) POWERFUL KICKING. POWERFUL KICKING. (POPPING) UH, EXCUSE ME. JUST DON'T DO THAT WITH THE CUP. ALL IN ALL, JUST, YEAH, GOOD. GOOD... GOOD GROUP EFFORT. WERE YOU WATCHING THE SAME GAME? YEAH. REALLY GIVE YOURSELVES A PAT ON THE BACK. TOM: INSPIRING SPEECH, PHIL. HEY, PATTY. HEY, DARLIN', HOW YOU DOING? LOOKING GREAT OUT THERE. YOU SAID IT. (CHUCKLES) TOUGH GAME TODAY, EH? WE DID OKAY. YEAH. BUCK: ALL RIGHT, LOOK, NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY I TAKE SAM BACK, HE'LL BE ON A WINNING TEAM, HE'LL GET A TROPHY-- AND WHO CARES IF HE'S A BENCHWARMER? NO. NO? NO. HE'S NOT GONNA BE A BENCHWARMER. NOT MY SON. NOT ON YOUR TEAM. 'CAUSE I'M, UH, I'M GONNA COACH THE TIGERS. OH. OUCH. OUCH? WHY OUCH? NOTHING. NOTHING. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLING) YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN COACH IN MY LEAGUE? YEAH. OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU ON THE FIELD. BE FOREWARNED, MUCHACHO. YOU'RE IN THE SHOW NOW. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT? I'M GONNA BE THE NEW PERMANENT COACH OF THE TIGERS. REALLY? YEP. COOL! HONEY, THAT'S GREAT. YEAH. WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY? NO, THIS-THIS ISN'T ANGRY, THIS IS HAPPY. (QUIETLY): YAY. THIS IS GONNA BE FUN. YEP. OKAY. OKAY. I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO. COME ON. PHIL: TAKE THAT FOR ME, BUDDY. HI. OH, HELLO. WE DIDN'T GET TO INTRODUCE OURSELVES LAST TIME-- I'M ANN HOGAN. HI. (DEEP VOICE): DONNA JONES. HI. YOU CAN CALL ME CHIEF. THANKS. THIS IS MY SON SAM. HEY, SAM. HI. UH, THIS IS BYONG SUN. HI, BYONG SUN. HI, BYONG SUN. BYONG SUN AND SAM, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD? OKAY? OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY, GOOD. YEAH, BYONG SUN'S REAL SHY. THIS BOOK REALLY HELPED US DEAL WITH IT, SO YOU'RE PROBABLY OKAY. GONNA WANT TO GIVE IT A GLANCE. "MY CHILD IS SHY." YEAH. THANK YOU. GOOD. GREAT. THANK YOU. I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, WHO'S YOUR SON? BYONG SUN. OH, I SEE. ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T SEE. I'M SORRY. I... (GASPS) OH, WAIT, NOW I SEE. (WHISPERS): WOW! OKAY. WE'RE AT EVERY GAME. UH-HUH. NOT LIKE A LOT OF THE OTHER PARENTS. NO, NO, NO, NOT LIKE THE OTHER PARENTS AT ALL. (BOTH CHUCKLE) BETTER. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THE OTHER PARENTS. (CHUCKLING) OH, SO THEY'RE BETTER? NO, NO, I MEAN... I MEAN, THEY'RE D... WELL, THEY'RE DIFFERENT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN DIFFERENT? NO, I... YOU'RE DIFFERENT, BECAUSE YOU'RE BETTER. HOW ARE THEY BETTER? PHIL: NO. LOOK... YOU'RE... YOU'RE BOTH BETTER-DIFFERENT. IN A DIFFERENT BUT BETTER WAY. OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S GET THE REST OF OUR STUFF. A LITTLE EARLY TO START PLAYING FAVOURITES, PHIL. LET'S TAKE THE FIELD! (GRUNTS) GET UP, DAD. NICE FALL. (YELLING, WHOOPING) (GRUNTS) HOLD UP. GRAB A BALL. HERE WE GO. FAN OUT. FORM A CIRCLE HERE. GREAT. OKAY, NOW, I DON'T KNOW, IT MAY JUST BE ME, BUT, UH, I REALLY GOT A FEELING LIKE WE COULD CATCH FIRE AND HAVE A GREAT SEASON, HUH? NOW, WHO'S WITH ME? (WHOOPS) IT'S ELECTRIC IN THE AIR! BYONG SUN: YEAH! (CLAPPING SLOWS) PHIL: THANK YOU FOR THAT... SHOW OF ENTHUSIASM. UH, WELL, I-I THOUGHT WE WOULD JUST START TODAY BY GOING AROUND, INTRODUCING YOURSELVES, AND TELLING ME YOUR-YOUR STRENGTHS ON THE SOCCER FIELD. ALL RIGHT... START WITH YOU. HEY, I'M HUNTER. HEY, HUNTER. I'M PHIL. HI, PHIL. UH, I'LL EAT THIS WORM FOR FIVE BUCKS. HOW WOULD THAT HELP US? I'D HAVE AN EXTRA FIVE BUCKS? YOU'RE NOT GONNA EAT THAT, ARE YOU? EW... (GROANS) DID YOU JUST EAT THAT? YEAH. I ATE IT. NOW, YOU OWE ME FIVE BUCKS. I DIDN'T AGREE TO PAY YOU FIVE BUCKS. FORGET IT. PASS IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. I'M BYONG SUN. HI, BYONG SUN. I AM A VERY KIND PERSON. WELL, THAT'S SWEET. THAT'S VERY SWEET. ANYTHING THAT RELATES TO SOCCER? NO, SIR. YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU AND AMBROSE COULD-COULD TEAM UP. HE'S BIG. YOU-YOU MIGHT FORM ONE MEGAPERSON. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) OKAY, FORGET THAT I JUST SAID THAT. UH, PASS IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. I'M MARK AVERY. YOU KNOW, I LIKE TO KEEP MY PIMP HANDS STRONG. YOU DIG, CRACKER? YOU FEEL ME? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I REALLY DON'T KNOW. I... HEARD IT ON A RAP VIDEO ONCE. OH. BUT I'M, LIKE, REALLY FUNNY. I GOT, LIKE, A MILLION JOKES. GREAT. OKAY, YEAH, I'D LOVE TO HEAR ONE. SHOOT. REMEMBER WHEN YOU CALLED US OUT ONTO THE FIELD AND YOU FELL OVER? RIGHT. YEAH? (LAUGHING) MAN! I GOT YOU GOOD! (LAUGHTER) MARK: SOMEBODY CALL THE BURN UNIT-- I GOT YOU BAD! HOW DID I GET BURNED? APPARENTLY, I DON'T GET IT. OKAY. IT DOESN'T MATTER. UH, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST DO SOME DRILLS. NOW, THIS ONE, ALL THE GREAT PLAYERS HAVE DONE AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. IT'S CALLED THE SNAKE. THE PLAYER IN THE BACK DRIBBLES THE BALL IN A WEAVING FASHION AROUND THE PLAYERS AND STOPS THREE FEET FROM THE FIRST PLAYER... (SHOUTING) HEY! (BLOWS WHISTLE) (shouting) THAT'S NOT... OKAY, THAT'S NOT THE SNAKE. (SHOUTING CONTINUES) UH... # WE'VE GOT THE RHYTHM, WE'VE GOT THE MOST FUN. # HONEY, IT WAS YOUR FIRST PRACTICE. IT'LL GET BETTER. NO, IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE. YOU NEED TO GIVE IT SOME TIME, PHIL. NO, I ALREADY KNOW. IT WAS AWFUL. THE KIDS WERE JUST RUNNING AROUND. THEY WEREN'T LISTENING TO ME. WELL... THEY WERE LIKE FOUR-FOOT WHIRLING DERVISHES. I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A WHIRLING DERVISH IS, BUT... BUT THAT'S... THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE LIKE. YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE I'M NOT A COACH, OKAY? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. MY DAD, HE'S A COACH. HE KNOWS THE GAME. HE'S CONFIDENT. HE'S SMART, WITTY, DYNAMIC, VICIOUS, BRUTAL, VINDICTIVE... A MONSTER! AND HE WILL WIN THROUGH INTIMIDATION AND FORCEFUL TACTICS, IF NEED BE. I'M NOT LIKE THAT. IN FACT, I DON'T KNOW ANYONE LIKE THAT. DO YOU? SO, PAUL, WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? UH, ACTUALLY, IT'S PHIL. YOU MEAN, IT'S NOT PAUL? NO, IT'S PHIL. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? COME ON, SPIT IT OUT. UH... HERE IT IS. MIKE! HOLD THIS. OH, NO, NO, NO! WE DO NOT ALLOW SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. I-I'M SORRY, MRS. DITKA. HERE, I'LL GET RID OF IT, HONEY. ANYWAY, UH, I-I'M COACHING MY SON'S SOCCER TEAM... A-AND I-I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU MIGHT BE WILLING TO HELP. SOCCER? ACTUALLY, UH... I-I WANT YOU TO ASSISTANT COACH. YOUR ASSISTANT COACH? YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, DO YOU? YOU'RE RIGHT. SILLY IDEA. I JUST... I JUST NEED SOME HELP, AND YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT COACH. AND MY DAD'S GOING TO BE RIDING ME ALL SEASON, SO I JUST... HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO... YOUR DAD? YOU MEAN, I GET TO COACH AGAINST YOUR DAD? WELL, YEAH. WOMAN: MIKE, I SMELL SMOKE! NOBODY'S SMOKING! MIKE! FOR PETE'S SAKE! SO, LIKE, IT'S ME AND YOU AGAINST THE OLD MAN? I MEAN, THERE ARE OTHER TEAMS. GOT YOU! "NO SMOKING" MEANS NO SMOKING! OKAY, COME ON, PHIL! I'LL THROW THIS OUT THE WINDOW, HONEY. I-I'M SORRY, MRS. D... I'M SORRY. YOU SHOULD BE. IT'S A NASTY, FILTHY HABIT. HEY... YEAH? YOU CAN COUNT ME IN. REALLY? LET'S BRING THE OLD MAN DOWN. OH, GREAT. (INDISTINCT VOICES) ...JUST A GREAT GROUP. OKAY, UH, TIGERS... (WHISTLE BLOWS) LOOK WHO'S HERE. I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. HALL OF FAME? CHICAGO BEARS? SAMMY SOSA? NO, NO, NO. COME ON! NO, FOOTBALL. COACHED THE 1986... ...'85, '85... ...'85 BEARS TO A SUPER BOWL VICTORY? IT'S MIKE DITKA! (PARENTS MURMUR AND APPLAUD) DO YOU KNOW SAMMY SOSA? HEY, ZIP IT, KID! I'M A COACH THAT KNOWS ABOUT WINNING. I'M GOING TO PUSH YOU GUYS LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN PUSHED BEFORE. SOME OF YOU ARE GONNA WISH I WAS DEAD. IT'S TRUE. I KNOW IT'S A WEIRD THOUGHT, BUT IT'S TRUE. DITKA: I EAT QUITTERS FOR BREAKFAST, AND I SPIT OUT THEIR BONES. DELICIOUS. DITKA: NOW THIS IS GONNA BE THE HARDEST, MOST DIFFICULT THING YOU EVER ATTEMPTED IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN IT'S OVER... IT'S GONNA GET EMOTIONAL. WHEN IT'S OVER... WHEN IT'S OVER... ...YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE CHAMPIONS! CHAMPIONS! BY GOD, YOU'RE GONNA BE CHAMPIONS! ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY UP. COME ON! HANDS IN. COME ON, EVERYBODY. LET'S GO OUT AND KICK SOME BUTT! HERE WE GO! ON THREE. "LET'S HAVE FUN!" ALL: ONE, TWO, THREE... LET'S HAVE FUN! "LET'S HAVE FUN"? WHAT'S THAT? I JUST MADE IT UP. (WHISTLE BLOWS) ON THE GROUND! GIVE ME THE PUSH-UPS! COME ON! IF YOU GUYS WERE WITH THE BEARS, I'D FINE YOU EACH TEN GRAND APIECE. THIS CALLS FOR SOME DRASTIC MEASURES. WE'RE GOING TO MAKE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE. COME ON! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! FASTER! FASTER! BYONG SUN (PANTING): FASTER! FASTER! DITKA: MOVE IT! MOVE IT! PUT SOME PRESSURE ON THOSE LEGS. BYONG SUN: FASTER! FASTER! DITKA: NO CANDY! YOUR MOTHER SAID YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY CANDY. OH, PLEASE, GIVE ME IT BACK! NO CANDY! PLEASE! NO? PLEASE? HEY! I GOT EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD! (grunting) COME ON, GIRLS! YOU GOT TO MOVE IT! YOU GOT TO MOVE IT. ALL THE WAY! COME ON! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! BUT COACH, HOW IS THIS GOING TO HELP ME WITH SOCCER? IT'S NOT GOING TO HELP YOU WITH SOCCER, BUT I'M GOING TO GET MY TRASH TAKEN OUT, OKAY? COME ON, BEYONCE, LET'S GET THAT BACK END DONE. COACH, SHOULDN'T WE BE GOING TO SOCCER PRACTICE? I'M NOT GOING TO SOCCER PRACTICE WITH A DIRTY CAR. (WHISTLE BLOWS) PHIL: HERE WE GO, GANG. HEY, LET'S GO, TIGERS. LET'S GO GET 'EM! COME ON, KICK BUTT OUT THERE. YOU'RE GREAT! (WHISTLE BLOWS) HEY, SAM. YEAH? WHAT IS IT, DAD? HOW YOU DOING? GOOD. GOOD, GOOD. OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR? GEEZ! DID YOU JUST KICK YOUR SON? YEAH. (WHISTLE BLOWING) (SHOUTING) STOP THEM! STOP THEM! STOP THEM! STOP THEM! STOP THEM! ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME? NO. (grunts) (whistle BLOWS) OOH! (WAILS) (fans GROANING) AAH... (WHISTLE BLOWS) OH! SHAKE IT OFF, SAM. GET SOME CIRCULATION BACK IN YOUR SKULL. DITKA: GO, JACK, GO! PHIL: BE STRONG! BEAR UP! (WHISTLE BLOWS) YES! JACK! GOOD JOB, JACK! (CHEERING) THAT'S A LEGITIMATE GOAL, RIGHT? WELL, OKAY, THEN. THAT'S A REAL GOAL. THAT'S A REAL GOAL. TEN MORE OF THOSE AND WE'RE IN BUSINESS. (CROWD GASPS) WHOO, LOOK AT ME. I'M THE REF. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. I'M THE REF. I'M THE REF. (WHISTLE BLOWS) LOOK AT ME. I'M THE REF. OKAY, BUDDY. WHOO-HOO-HOO. I'M THE REF. OKAY. OKAY, OKAY. YOU CAN'T CATCH ME. YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE I'M THE REF. VERY... VERY FUNNY. YOU AIN'T THE REF. VERY, VERY FUNNY. WHOO-HOO-HOO. ALL RIGHT, WE ALL HAD A LAUGH? FINE. PLAY ON! SORRY ABOUT THAT. HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK THOSE THINGS ARE? I HAVE NO IDEA. (whistle BLOWS) OH! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) MAN. TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT... HEY, SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE RATS! THEY'RE JUST SHOWING THEIR APPRECIATION. HEY, FORGET THE APPRECIATION! I WANT TO WIN A SOCCER GAME! OKAY. HEY, CAN I HAVE THIS? YEAH, GO AHEAD. ALL RIGHT. UH, GOOD GAME, EVERYONE. GREAT EFFORT. WE'LL JUST RECONVENE AT A LATER TIME. ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. UH, IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION. I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE TIGERS HERE TO EXPRESS MY... MY GRATITUDE AND, WELL, JUST A BIG THANK YOU FOR ALL THE HARD WORK. ALL RIGHT. SO, UH... GO, TIGERS. SO WHAT'D YOU BRING, PHIL? FINCHES. FISHES? NO. NO, NO, NO. NO. FINCHES. BIRDS. I'M HOLDING THEM. (BIRDS TWITTERING) THEY'RE TINY BIRDS. YEAH, SO EVERYONE, COME UP HERE AND GRAB A FINCH. COME ON. COME ON, GUYS. (BIRDS TWITTERING) YOU CAN WATCH THEM GROW RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR VERY OWN EYES. (TWITTERING) WE HAVE TO KEEP THEM? YOU GET TO KEEP THEM. WHY IS THIS FUN? BUCK: I WANT TO WELCOME YOU ALL TO TONIGHT'S HIGHLAND HEIGHTS SOCCER ORGANIZATION PARENTS' DINNER. YEAH. (PIANO PLAYS DRAMATIC THEME) (APPLAUSE) EVERY YEAR, WE LIKE TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME FOR THE COACHES TO COME UP HERE TO TELL US A LITTLE ABOUT THEIR TEAM. HOW ABOUT I BRING UP SOMEONE WHO'S NEW TO COACHING IN THIS LEAGUE BUT IS CLOSE TO ME. I LOVE HIM LIKE A SON. COME ON UP, PHIL. COME ON. COME ON, PHILLY. COME ON. COME ON. BUCK: COME ON. GOOD GUY. GOOD GUY. (PIANO PLAYS GENTLE MELODY) GOOD TO SEE YOU. THANKS, DAD. UH, THANKS, JANICE. (PIANO PLAYS ASCENDING NOTES) HELLO, UH... I'M, UH, I'M PHIL WESTON. AND YOU GOT BALLS. (LAUGHTER) HE'S GOT VITAMINS. (LAUGHTER) THAT'S VERY FUNNY, DAD. HILARIOUS. SO WHEN I TOOK OVER FOR COACH BENSON... I HEAR HE'S A WOMAN NOW. (LAUGHTER) OOH... ACTUALLY, UH, TRUTH BE TOLD, NO ONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED. (LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S FUNNY. (APPLAUSE) (CHUCKLES) GOD, I'M GOING TO BE HONEST. I DIDN'T PLAN ON SPEAKING TONIGHT. I-I WAS... I WAS ACTUALLY HOPING THAT MY... MY ASSISTANT COACH WOULD BE HERE UH, TO KIND OF... (SHOCKED MURMURING) (MURMURING CONTINUES) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE MIKE DITKA! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) PHIL: IT'S MIKE DITKA, EVERYONE. (CHEERING) SAY A FEW WORDS. THANKS, PAUL. THANKS, EVERYBODY. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE, AND, UH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE FUN TONIGHT. PAUL'S GOT THE TIGERS ON THE MOVE. ALL RIGHT. (applause) YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH, YOU SEE EVERYTHING-- IRON MIKE AND ALUMINIUM PHIL COACHING THE TIGERS. (LAUGHTER) I COULDN'T REALLY HEAR YOU. MY SUPER BOWL RING WAS MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE. (LAUGHTER) OOH... SEE IT, DAD? RIGHT THERE, DAD. READ IT AND WEEP. DITKA IS A GREAT COACH-- WE UNDERSTAND THAT-- BUT HE'S A FOOTBALL COACH, WESTON. RIGHT. AND WE ARE STILL LOSING, PHIL. OKAY, I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONCERN ABOUT OUR RECORD, BUT WITH ME, IT'S NOT ABOUT WIN, LOSE. WE ARE GOING TO WIN ONE GAME EVENTUALLY, RIGHT? WE'VE HAD A ROCKY START, BUT WITH A STRONG TEAM EFFORT WE WILL WIN SOME... I THINK. REMEMBER, THERE'S NO "I" IN "TEAM." BUT THERE IS AN "I" IN "WIN." THERE IS AN "I" IN "WIN." HEY, HEY. UH, PARENTS... HONEY. I DIDN'T SEE YOU STEP UP WHEN THE TEAM WAS IN NEED. OKAY. NOW PHIL IS NOT THE GREATEST COACH IN THE WORLD, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT, BUT AT LEAST HE'S TRYING. I CAN DEFEND MYSELF. YOU THINK HE ENJOYS LOSING WEEK AFTER WEEK, IN FRONT OF HIS OWN SON? YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE. YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE. AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH BIRDS? THAT WAS SO WEIRD. I GOT MY HANDS FULL WITH HUNTER-- I DON'T NEED A BIRD. COME ON. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GOT ME, ALL RIGHT? THE FINCHES WERE A BAD IDEA. AND I WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING, BUT I THINK SOME OF THEM HAVE SALMONELLA. A FAIR AMOUNT, IN FACT. I MAY HAVE INADVERTENTLY POISONED YOUR CHILDREN. YOU AND I, WE GOT SOMETHING GOING, YOU KNOW? MAYBE WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT COACHING LITTLE LEAGUE TOGETHER. YOU REALLY THINK THAT, HUH? YEAH. COACH DITKA? YES. HI. UM, UH, OUR SON, BYONG SUN, HE'S VERY SHY, AND I WAS JUST WONDERING... SURE, YEAH. I'D BE GLAD TO. THANK YOU SO MUCH. HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT? IT'S, UH, BYONG SUN. B-Y... I THINK I GOT IT. OH, OKAY. THANK YOU. BYE-BYE. THANKS, PHIL. THEY'RE GREAT. JUST A WONDERFUL COUPLE. "BING BONG"? HEY, PHILLY. YEAH, DAD? HEY, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS DITKA THING. I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT. YEAH, WELL, HE'S RIGHT HERE. I'M NOT BLIND. WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO STICK IT TO THE OLD MAN? YOU GO TO MY MORTAL ENEMY FOR HELP? THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEIGHBOUR, DAD. HE'S RIGHT. I HATED HIM FROM THE FIRST TIME I LAID EYES ON HIM, MAYBE EVEN BEFORE THAT, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE THE GUY THAT WROTE "DITKA SUCKS" ON MY DRIVEWAY. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE? YOU'RE JUST DOING THIS TO GET UNDER MY SKIN. I'M GLAD YOU FIGURED IT OUT, AND I'M GETTING UNDER YOUR SKIN AND IT'S GONNA GET A HELL OF A LOT WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER. IN YOUR DREAMS. OOH... HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT PRETTY, YOUNG WIFE OF YOURS AND GO HOME? WHAT DID YOU CALL HER? HEY, GUYS... IT'S A COMPLIMENT. I SAID SHE'S LOVELY AND SHE'S YOUNG. PLEASE... SHE'S THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE. YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT. AND I GO HOME WHEN I WANT, ALL RIGHT? DAD, IT'S MIKE DITKA. HE'S BIG. STAY OUT OF THIS. I'LL TELL YOU FOR THE LAST TIME, WESTON: HIT THE ROAD. WHO'S GONNA MAKE ME? I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU. (GRUNTING) I TOOK A PUNCH FROM HALL OF FAMER MIKE DITKA. AND I DID NOT GO DOWN. SURE, I WOBBLED A BIT, BUT I DID NOT GO DOWN. THAT DITKA HAS FISTS LIKE A SMALL TRUCK. COME HERE. (MOANS) YEAH, YOU NEED TO RELAX. YEAH. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON MY DAD'S FACE-- PRICELESS. BECAUSE THAT PUNCH WAS MEANT FOR HIM. THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD. OKAY, PHIL, CAN WE PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR DAD OR DITKA TONIGHT, PLEASE? YOU JUST NEED TO RELAX. YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY. OKAY. (SOBBING) I'M IN WAY OVER MY HEAD. AND I GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND IT HURT. HONEY, COME ON, THE KIDS NEED A REAL COACH. PHIL... HUH? I LOVE YOU. WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? OKAY. I GIVE UP. I GIVE UP. YOU GO TALK TO DITKA. WHAT FOR? HE SCARES ME. HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED INTO HIS EYES? OR AT HIS HAIR? WELL, HE'S BEEN COACHING FOR A LONG TIME. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS WITH HIM. YOU WANT ME TO SHARE MY FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY WITH MIKE DITKA? WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO? OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT. I'M SORRY. I'LL GO TALK TO HIM. OKAY. OKAY. AND PHIL? YEAH? TRY NOT TO CRY IN FRONT OF HIM. (CRYING) HEY, HEY, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF. OKAY? MAN UP. I CAN'T. WELL, YOU BETTER OR ELSE I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE. HERE, DRINK THIS COFFEE. I DON'T LIKE COFFEE. IT'S A VASOCONSTRICTOR. HEY, COFFEE'S THE NUMBER ONE DRINK IN THE WORLD. EVERYBODY DRINKS IT. EVEN LITTLE KIDS IN MEXICO DRINK COFFEE. WELL, I'M NOT A LITTLE KID IN MEXICO, OKAY? IN FACT, I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. I TOOK A LONG, HARD LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW? WHAT? NOTHING! MY DAD, HE'S SOMETHING. I MEAN, I'VE NEVER LIVED UP TO MY DAD'S EXPECTATIONS. AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I'M LETTING SAM DOWN, MY OWN SON. HEY! OW! KNOCK IT OFF! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. WHY IS EVERYONE SLAPPING ME LATELY? DRINK THE COFFEE, IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. I DON'T... I DON'T LIKE... THAT'S... YEAH, UH-HUH. THAT'S GOOD. PICKS YOU UP. IT CALMS YOU DOWN. IT'S THE LIFEBLOOD THAT DRIVES THE DREAMS OF CHAMPIONS. NOW, YOU GOT TO TELL ME THE PROBLEM, BUT IF YOU CRY, I'M OUT OF HERE. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T COACH. I CAN'T BEAT MY OLD MAN. YOU CAN BEAT YOUR DAD. HE'S JUST A MAN. THIS COACHING BUSINESS, PAUL, IS TOUGH STUFF. PHIL. WHATEVER. IT'S TOUGH STUFF. AND WHEN YOU LOSE, IT ALL COMES DOWN ON YOU. BUT LISTEN. WHEN YOU PUT IT ALL TOGETHER AND YOU WIN, IT'S THE GREATEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. IT'S LIKE WINNING THE SUPER BOWL. REALLY? YEAH, REALLY. EXCEPT YOU SADDLED ME WITH A BUNCH OF STIFFS. TAKE ME THREE YEARS TO GET THESE GUYS SHAPED UP. I'M SORRY. BUT I GOT A GOOD IDEA. MAYBE WE TAKE A SHORTCUT, STICK IT TO YOUR OLD MAN REAL GOOD. BUT IN ORDER TO DO THAT, WE GOT TO GET SOME FRESH MEAT. OKAY. YOU KEEP THIS UP, YOU GET NOWHERE IN MEAT. MARIA, THE PROSCIUTTO. IT'S ALMOST 10:00. OKAY. UMBERTO! HEY, COACH. DON'T YOU WORRY, I GOT YOUR BRATWURST ALL READY. HELLO. BEAUTIFUL. GRAZIE. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) ARE YOUR NEPHEWS WORKING TODAY? SI, IN THE BACK. GO BACK AND TAKE A LOOK AT THESE GUYS. REALLY? YEAH? YEAH. YEAH. MARIA. SI? (SPEAKING ITALIAN) WOW. OH, THEY'RE TERRIFIC. PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, HUH? YES! (whoops) THESE KIDS ARE THE RIGHT AGE, AND THEY LIVE IN THE DISTRICT-- WHY NOT? (SPEAKING ITALIAN) EXCUSE ME, MISTER, YOUR TWO NEPHEWS... SI. UH, WOULD THEY BE INTERESTED IN PLAYING SOCCER? MASSIMO AND GIAN PIERO? YEAH. NO, NO, NO. THEY NOT PLAY SOCCER. THEY COME HERE TO APPRENTICE ME. THEY HAVE TOO MUCH TO LEARN, YOU KNOW, ENGLISH, MEAT, TOO MUCH. SO THEY DON'T PLAY SOCCER AT ALL? (SPEAKING ITALIAN) DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT TO ME, PLEASE. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) THEY PLAY WITH AMERICAN KIDS, THEY PICK UP ENGLISH. A LOT OF FAMOUS ATHLETES HAVE LEARNED ENGLISH THROUGH SPORTS. SAMMY SOSA... KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR. UH... LEON SPINKS. UH, ELVIS COSTELLO. BJORN BORG. MARK SPITZ. DITKA: LET THE KIDS HAVE SOME FUN. OKAY, OKAY. (CHEERING) GREAT. BUT REMEMBER. MEAT FIRST, THEN SOCCER. YES! (WHISTLE BLOWS) PHIL: TIGERS, HUDDLE UP. GET IN HERE. COME ON. GET IN HERE, GUYS. COME ON, EVERYBODY UP. I KNOW WE'RE ON A FIVE-GAME LOSING STREAK, BUT I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS. UMBERTO. GOT TWO NEW PLAYERS JOINING THE TEAM. GUYS, GIAN PIERO AND MASSIMO. NOW, THESE BOYS ARE FROM ITALY, OKAY, SO THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH THAT WELL, BUT WE'RE ALL GONNA HELP THEM LEARN. THEY'RE APPRENTICE BUTCHERS. DID THE BLACKSMITHS AND CANDLESTICK MAKERS NOT MAKE IT? SHUT UP. I COME BACK, PICK UP 5:00. 5:00, YOU GOT IT. OKAY. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) PRIMA WHAT? MEAT FIRST. FIRST. AH, MEAT FIRST. MEAT FIRST. YES, WE LOVE MEAT. CIAO. CIAO. FELLAS, PUT THESE ON. YEAH, TRY THEM ON AND, UH, TAKE THE FIELD. TAKE-A THE FIELD. (WHISTLE BLOWS) (CHUCKLING) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (WHISTLE BLOWS) ALL RIGHT, COME ON. (grunting) MASSIMO. (PANTING) WOW, CRAZY. WHOA. MASSIMO. (cheering) YES! YES! YES! (HANDS SLAPPING) NEW GAME PLAN. GET THE BALL TO THE ITALIANS. ("ZUMA ZUMA BACA LA" PLAYS, VOCALIST SINGING IN ITALIAN) (CHEERING) (CHEERING) (CHEERING) COME ON, GANG. GUYS, BRING IT IN. BRING IT IN. ALL: TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? GENERALS! GENERALS! (CHEERING) I JUST GOT EXCITED. NICE JOB. NICE JOB. PIZZA AT MY HOUSE. WE WON, DAD. WE FINALLY WON. WE BROKE THE TIGER CURSE! YES! (KIDS SHOUTING) BOY: NO BITING! COME ON! PHIL: HEY, GUYS? WHOA! SETTLE DOWN. DID EVERYONE GET ENOUGH PIZZA? YOU DEFINITELY HAD ENOUGH CANDY. I CAN TELL THAT. I JUST... OW! THAT GOT ME RIGHT IN THE NIPPLE. HEY, GUYS, I JUST WANT TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS ON THE TIGERS' FIRST VICTORY! (KIDS CHEERING) WHOO! YEAH! THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GUYS. YOU ALL PLAYED GREAT. SO DID GIAN PIERO AND MASSIMO, WHO COULDN'T BE HERE BECAUSE... MEAT COMES FIRST! RIGHT. GOT YOU A GIFT. SOCCER DAN INSTRUCTIONAL DVD. WE'RE GOING TO KEEP LEARNING AS WE GO. THIS IS WHERE WE'RE REALLY GOING TO HONE OUR SKILLS. THIS WILL TAKE US TO THE NEXT LEVEL. STUDY IT. WATCH IT. I ONLY WATCHED IT FOR FIVE MINUTES. I ALREADY... I ALREADY LEARNED THIS. THIS IS CALLED "UP AND OVER." KIDS: WHOA! YOU CAN LEARN THINGS LIKE THIS. AND THEN MAYBE BACK OVER HERE. WHOO! FAKES LEFT, FAKES RIGHT, AND HE SCORES! BARBARA: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE? GUYS, I SAID NO PLAYING SOCCER IN THE HOUSE. YOU DID. YOU SAID IT A LOT. WHO DID THAT? HE DID. KIDS: HE DID! PHIL: WHAT? NUH-UH. KILL PHIL! (KIDS SCREAMING) ALL RIGHT! OKAY! GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) WHY DON'T OUR TWO NEW PLAYERS SPEAK ANY ENGLISH? 'CAUSE THEY'RE ITALIAN. YEAH. YOU DIDN'T KNOW ENGLISH THAT WHOLE FIRST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE. YOU HAD THAT MADE-UP, LIKE, "GOO-GOO, GA-GA" BABY LANGUAGE. IT WAS REALLY IRRITATING. DAD... YOU LEARNED. WHAT'S THAT HAUNTING AROMA? I DON'T KNOW. OH. HELLO. HI, THERE. HI. UH, MY NAME IS PHIL. THIS IS MY SON, SAM, AND, UH, I-I'M BRAND-NEW TO COFFEE, SO I DON'T WANT TOO MUCH. OKAY. CAN YOU TAKE HALF OF THE REGULAR VERSION OF THE COFFEE AND MIX IT WITH HALF OF THE DECAFFEINATED VERSION? OR IS THAT... IS THAT JUST TOO WEIRD A THING TO ASK FOR? HALF-CAFF. RIGHT, HALF-CAFF. HALF-CAFF. WE'RE-WE'RE-WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A HALF-CAFF. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A HALF-CAFF. YAY. AND A HALF-CAFF. (SIGHS): THAT'S ME. (SHOUTS) MOTHER OF PEARL! THAT IS HOT! WHOO! THAT WAS HOT. SHOULD'VE WAITED FOR THE JACKET. YEAH, I KNOW. I GOT TOO EAGER. ANOTHER HALF-CAFF. ANOTHER HALF-CAFF. WHOA! WHOA! YOU. HEAD. # SATURDAY MORNING... # GO. (GRUNTS) # SIX IN THE MORNING, BABY... # OKAY. FOOT ON BALL AND PULL. GO, GO, GO, GO. KIDS: YEAH! THAT'S GOOD. TAP, PULL. OKAY? TAP AND PULL? YES. # SATURDAY MORNING... # (GRUNTS) # SATURDAY MORNING... # (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) MAMA MIA! YOU'RE A REAL DUFFER, YOU KNOW? # TO LOSE AN INHIBITION # # FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION... # (CHEERING) KIDS (CHANTING): WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! HOW DO YOU SAY "PIZZA" IN ITALIAN? PIZZA. PIZZA. WELL, HOW DO YOU SAY "SPAGHETTI"? SPAGHETTI. ITALIAN'S EASY. PHIL: THANK YOU. HELLO. HELLO. WHERE YOU FROM? AUSTRALIA. OH. THAT'S A LOVELY ACCENT. THANK YOU. YOU STILL WAITING FOR YOUR COFFEE? YEAH. MAKE SURE YOU GET ONE OF THESE SLEEVES. I BURNED MYSELF LAST TIME. THANKS FOR THE TIP. SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW AT FIRST. (GROANS) # LET'S GET IT STARTED, HA # # LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE... # WOULD YOU LOOK AT THOSE ITALIANS GO? # LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE... # OH, GOD, I'M IN BAD SHAPE FOR 11. KIDS (CHANTING): WORM, WORM, WORM, WORM, WORM! # LOSE CONTROL OF BODY AND SOUL... # OKAY, BUCKY, IT WAS, LIKE, SO AWESOME. YOU SHOULD'VE SAW IT. THEY JUST SCORE AND SCORE AND SCORE AND SCORE AND SCORE AND SCORE AND SCORE. IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH. I HAD TO TAKE, LIKE, AN ADVIL. AND, LIKE, I GOT, LIKE, A HEADACHE ALMOST. YOU SHOULD GET SOME ITALIANS ON YOUR TEAM. IT'S LIKE BA-BOOM! BA-BOOM! A-ARE YOU GUYS GETTING ANY PLAYING TIME? NO. # LET'S GET IT STARTED, HA # # LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE # # LET'S GET IT STARTED, HA # # LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE... # FRENCH ROAST. RIGHT. GUATEMALAN WITH A LITTLE ETHIOPIAN. ABSOLUTELY. OH! THAT'S-THAT'S NOT COFFEE. THAT'S MY RUSSIAN VODKA. JACK. NO, MOM! MOM! THE UV INDEX IS VERY HIGH TODAY. MOM, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME! COME ON! I KNOW, BUT YOUR SKIN'S MORE IMPORTANT. MOM, MOM, COME ON! OKAY, GO. KEEP PASSING TO THE ITALIANS. # GET IT STARTED # # GET IT STARTED # # GET IT STARTED # # LET'S GET IT STARTED, HA... # # LET'S GET IT STARTED, HA # # LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE... # (SINGING): # SPAGHETTI, MARINARA # # LASAGNE # # DON'T FORGET THE MEATBALLS. # HEY, HEY! HEY! HERE WE GO. HEY. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I'LL GO CHANGE IN MY CAR. HURRY UP. (CHEERING) HEY, PHILLY. AH! SMELLS GOOD. YEAH. SIRLOIN BURGERS. NO, I MEAN THE AIR. REALLY. SMELLS-SMELLS FRESH. YEAH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? BEAUTIFUL DAY. COULDN'T ASK FOR A MORE BEAUTIFUL DAY. I'M FEELING FULLY ALIVE. TIGERS HAVE WON FIVE IN A ROW. THE ITALIANS AND DITKA HAVE WON FIVE IN A ROW. WE'RE 500. YEAH, WE'RE 1,000. LOOK, DAD, I GOT A FEELING WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE FINALS. TO WHAT? YOU'RE GOING TO GO WHERE? YEAH. YOU'RE SERIOUS? YEAH, YOU BET I'M SERIOUS. (CHUCKLING) LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS TO BE TAKEN DOWN A COUPLE OF NOTCHES. WHAT IS THE LAW, PHIL? STOP IT, DAD. THE LAW SAYS, "YOU SHALL NEVER BEAT THE OLD MAN AT ANYTHING." JUST SERVE. OKAY. (GRUNTS) OW! BUCK: OH, FOUL, FOUL, FOUL. COME ON. YOU A LITTLE KLUTZY? ALL RIGHT. OKAY, HERE WE GO. (SCREAMS) OOH! SORRY. HUEVOS RANCHEROS. YOU WANT TO QUIT NOW? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (CHUCKLING) OLE! (GRUNTS) (LAUGHING) YOU OKAY? SERVE IT. (SHOUTS) PHIL? HONEY? DON'T TALK TO ME! IT'S FATHER-SON TIME! COME ON! SOMEBODY SHOULD BE VIDEOTAPING THIS! OOH. WHO'S YOUR TRAINER? STOP TALKING AND SERVE. MANIAC. NOW, I BURY YOU. BURY YOU. BURY YOU. BURY YOU. YEAH. YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU INSIDE. OKAY. (LAUGHING) (CACKLING, HOOTING) (GRUNTS) THAT'S THE BEST I'VE EVER PLAYED AGAINST HIM. YEAH, IT DIDN'T GRIND THE BARBECUE TO A HALT AT ALL. OW! YOU MADE AN EXCELLENT IMPRESSION ON YOUR SON, BY THE WAY. HEY, I ALMOST HAD YOU. WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT AGAIN, WHEN YOU ALMOST WIN? OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. "LOSING." (SIGHS) I'LL TELL YOU, DAD, THE TIGERS ARE MAKING IT TO THE FINALS. THAT AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. OH, YEAH? NEVER. YOU WANT TO MAKE A BET? YEAH, FINE. YEAH. OKAY, WE'LL BET. I BEAT YOU, AND YOU SELL THAT BREAK-EVEN, SNAKE OIL STAND OF YOURS... AND YOU'RE GONNA COME TO WORK FOR ME. NO, NO, I'M NOT GONNA WORK FOR YOU. HUH? OOH! (CLUCKING) (LAUGHTER) (CLUCKING) OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, STOP. OKAY. BUT IF I WIN... WHAT? I GET THE PELE BALL. DO WHAT? IF I BEAT YOU IN THE FINALS, THE PELE BALL, IT'S MINE. I GET IT. ANNOUNCER: HERE COMES PELE! A LITTLE HIGH AND INTO THE CROWD. YOUNG PHIL: I GOT IT! I GOT IT! BUCK: NO. I GOT IT. DAD! YAY! DAD...? WHAT? CAN I HAVE THE BALL? WHAT? WHAT? I CAUGHT IT. WHY? YOU GET THE NEXT ONE. PHIL (VOICE-OVER): IF I BEAT YOU IN THE FINALS, I GET THE PELE BALL. FOR THE DAY. FOREVER. NO WAY, JOSE. NO, SIR. NO WAY. NO... (CLUCKING) (laughter) (CONTINUES CLUCKING) (SQUAWKS) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. YEAH? WE GOT OURSELVES A BET, OKAY? ALL RIGHT. GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. YES. SEE YOU TOMORROW. OKAY, GOOD. (GROANS) I-I-I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CUT YOU OFF, SIR. (EXHALES): AH... WHOO! NOT A CHANCE. GOTTA GO FEED THE METRE. LINE 'EM UP. YOUR WIFE TOLD ME ABOUT THE BET YOU MADE WITH YOUR OLD MAN. OH, YEAH? WHAT OF IT? I THINK MAYBE YOU'RE GETTING AHEAD OF YOURSELF. WE PLAYED THE EASY PART OF OUR SCHEDULE. WE GOT TO WIN FIVE GAMES IN A ROW JUST TO MAKE THE SEMI-FINALS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD... MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORRY MORE ABOUT THE TEAM AND LESS ABOUT THE SCHEDULE. WHAT?! WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF SLOTHFULNESS GOING ON OUT THERE. SLOTHFULNESS? YEAH. LET'S GO, TIGERS. BRING IT IN. (BLOWS WHISTLE) BRING IT IN, GUYS. LET'S GO. GRAB SOME BENCH. LOOK HOW MUCH TIME IT TAKES FOR THEM TO COME IN. TAKE A SEAT. LET'S GO. OKAY, GUYS. I HAD YOU COME HERE EARLY TODAY SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT SOME SLOPPY PLAY. IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT LATELY I'VE NOTICED A GENERAL BLATANT DISREGARD FOR OUR GAME PLAN. AMBROSE. YEAH? SAW A BUNCH OF NONSENSE OUT THERE-- WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD OUT THERE LAST WEEK? I WAS BREAKING MY BACK FOR YOU, COACH, BECAUSE OF MY LOVE FOR THE GAME. LIAR! JACK. WHAT? WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PASS THE BALL TO? THE ITALIANS. RIGHT. ALEX, WHEN? WHEN I COME IN CONTACT WITH THE BALL. THE INSTANT YOU COME IN CONTACT WITH THE BALL. THAT'S OUR STRATEGY. IT'S ONE OF THE MANY PLAYS WE'VE WORKED OUT. IT'S THE ONLY PLAY WE'VE WORKED OUT. HOW MANY SARCASTIC PILLS DID YOU TAKE THIS MORNING? COACH, I'M JUST... (MOCKING): WELL, COACH... (WHINY GIBBERISH) YEAH? YOU GOT TO LIGHTEN UP. HE STARTED IT. I SEEM TO REMEMBER A CERTAIN LITTLE BOY WHO WAS (WHISPERING): VERY SAD WHEN HE LOST. AND THAT SAME LITTLE BOY WAS VERY HAPPY WHEN HE WON. I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU. OKAY? SO WE CAN HAVE FUN! RIGHT? FUN. OKAY? YEAH. HEY, YOU'RE... YOU'RE LATE. WH-WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? UH, THERE'S A PROBLEM. WHERE'S GIAN PIERO AND MASSIMO? WE WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK THEM UP. WAIT, WHAT'S GOING ON? (SPEAKS ITALIAN) (SCREAMS): WHERE ARE MY ITALIANS?! HMM? I CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE THIS ONE, UMBERTO. MEAT IS NOW. ME AND THE BOY WILL WORK ALL DAY TO GET THIS ORDER DONE. IT'S A BIG, BIG ORDER. NO, NO, NO. I... BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. MEAT COMES FIRST. SURE. I'VE ONLY HEARD IT ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES FROM YOU. I CAN'T TALK TO YOU. HERE, YOU TAKE THIS. I'M REALLY GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF THE "MEAT COMES FIRST." I'M SORRY. # HAPPY BIRTHDAY... # QUIET, PLEASE! SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THE PARK! (child WAILING) YOU KNOW, AT A CERTAIN POINT, THESE KIDS, THEY JUST WANT TO PLAY SOCCER. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE MEAT. UH, DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT? 'CAUSE THAT'S GONNA CAUSE SOME KIND OF A DRAMATIC SITUATION HERE. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, HUH? WHA...? HELLO? (DIAL TONE DRONES) UMBERTO! UMBERTO! (SHOUTS OVER CHAIN SAW): ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE GOT 25 MINUTES AND A LOT OF BEEF TO CUT! LET'S GET TO IT! (CHAIN SAW REVVING) WATCH ME, BOYS. I'M GOING IN! (LOUD WHOOP) (HONKS HORN) (PANICKED SHOUTS) (GASPS) WE MADE IT. SORRY WE'RE LATE. HEY, STEW. HEY. UH... HEY, LISTEN, ONE OF MY GUYS DIDN'T BRING HIS SOCKS, SO... WE FORFEIT. YOU HEAR THAT, VULTURES? WE FORFEIT! LET'S GO! (whistle BLOWS) COME ON, RUN! HURRY, RUN! QUICKLY! RUN! RUN TO THE CAR! RUN! DON'T LOOK BACK! RUN...! WE WON. WE WON. (CHEERING) ALL: TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? VULTURES! VULTURES! YEAH! (TEAM WHOOPING) GOOD JOB, GUYS. PHIL, IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE. IT'S NOT PHIL, IT'S COACH WESTON. AND IT'S NOT FREEZING OUT HERE. THEN WHY'D YOU BUILD A FIRE? BECAUSE FIRE IS THE STUFF OF WARRIORS. AND THAT'S WHAT WE ARE. RIGHT? WARRIORS? THE HOPI INDIANS CALLED FIRE "OOH-LEK-LOK-HALA-HOL-NESSITA." HUNTER: COACH, WHAT ARE WE DOING OUT HERE ANYWAY? PHIL: WE'RE BONDING. WE'RE BECOMING A TEAM. SURVIVING THE ELEMENTS HERE IN THE BACKYARD. COACH, DID YOU ORDER THE PIZZAS YET? IN DUE TIME, CONNOR, IN DUE TIME. HOWEVER, I WANT ALL OF YOU TO KNOW, IF THE PIZZAS DON'T ARRIVE, I'VE ALREADY MADE THE DECISION THAT WE WILL EAT BYONG SUN. (OWL HOOTS SOFTLY) ALL RIGHT, WE'RE NOT GONNA EAT HIM. BUT HE DOES LOOK DELICIOUS, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, RIGHT? IF WE HAD TO EAT SOMEONE? DAD, YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE CREEPY. I KNOW, LET'S ALL BAY AT THE MOON. WHAT?! YOU KNOW, HOWL LIKE A WOLF. (HOWLING) WOMAN: SHUT UP OUT THERE! YOU SHUT UP IN THERE! COME ON, EVERYONE, BAY AT THE MOON. (HOWLING) (ALL HOWLING) (barking) (PANICKED YELLING) (YELLING, BARKING CONTINUE) WOMAN: OOH, I DON'T KNOW, THE IRISH CREAM SOUNDS GOOD, HUH? WHAT'S THAT? UH, IT'S CREAM AND IT'S, UH, IT'S IRISH. HURRY UP AND ORDER. EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU. UM, HOW ABOUT A SMOOTHIE-- WHAT'S IN THAT? SMOOTHIE'S A JUICE DRINK. WE WANT COFFEE. BUDDY, RELAX. NO, YOU RELAX. I'M A REGULAR HERE. THIS LINE NEEDS TO MOVE. I BEG YOUR PARDON. DO YOU HAVE SCONES? TALL, NON-FAT DOUBLE LATTE. SIR, YOU'RE AT THE BACK OF THE LINE. I RECOGNIZE THAT. CUT IT OUT OR YOU'RE OUT OF HERE. YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE REALLY INVADING MY EAR SPACE. LOOKIT, I'M A FREQUENT COFFEE DRINKER. I'M PART OF THE CLUB. I HAVE A CARD. DO YOU HAVE A CARD? DO YOU HAVE A CARD? NO, I DON'T HAVE A CARD. DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE A CARD? WE DON'T HAVE FREQUENT-DRINKER CARDS. THAT'S A VIDEO CLUB CARD. AAH! ZIP IT THERE, SPORTY SPICE. ARE WE DOING THIS? OH. IS THIS HAPPENING NOW? YEAH. WANT TO GO? THEN LET'S DO IT. GREAT. I'D LOVE TO. (CHOKING) YOU'RE HURTING ME. YOU ARE HURTING ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, DERRICK? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! MY NAME IS ANDY! YOUR NAME IS LIAR, 'CAUSE YOU'RE TELLING LIES! YOU KNOW WHAT THE ODDS ARE I WILL NEVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN? THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE OF THAT! THAT'S A CHANCE WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE. OKAY, IF THAT'S HOW YOU WANT TO PLAY IT. OKAY! I AM DISAPPOINTED! GOOD! GET THE D-D-D... SOUND THE ALERT! (WHISTLE BLOWS) TIGERS, BRING IT IN. LET'S GO. LET'S GO, GUYS. (WHISTLE BLOWING REPEATEDLY) (CONTINUES BLOWING WHISTLE) (CONTINUES BLOWING WHISTLE) ALL RIGHT, TIGERS. LET'S GET READY TO PLAY, HUH? I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY LAZINESS THERE, OKAY? IF WE WIN THIS, WE'RE IN THE FINALS. IF WE GET A BIG LEAD, WE GOT TO PUMMEL THESE GUYS. WE GOT TO PUMMEL THEM AT ALL COSTS. DOMINATE AND HAMMER THEM. I WANT YOU TO PLAY DIRTY IF YOU HAVE TO, BUT DON'T GET CAUGHT. BYONG SUN, STAY LOW, OKAY? THAT'S EASY FOR YOU. JUST CHOP-BLOCK 'EM IN THE BACK OF THE KNEE. THAT'LL WORK WELL. AMBROSE, YOU'RE BIG. DON'T BE AFRAID TO THROW THE ELBOW. IF YOU BREAK SOMEONE'S COLLARBONE, THAT'S A GOOD THING. THAT'S WHAT THE MEDIC'S FOR. OTHERWISE, HE'S JUST SITTING AROUND. ALL RIGHT? YOU HEAR ME? HEY, PHIL. I-I DON'T THINK THAT'S A VERY GOOD ATTITUDE. YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT HURTING OTHER PLAYERS. YOU DON'T THINK? YOU DON'T... YOU DON'T THINK? I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE BUTTING IN WHEN I'M TALKING TO MY TEAM. YOU'RE MY ASSISTANT, OKAY? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BACK ME UP AND GO GET ME JUICE BOXES WHEN I TELL YOU. NOW, GO GET ME A JUICE BOX. YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?! I'M TALKING TO THE JUICE BOX GUY. YOU'RE CRAZY! I'M NOT CRAZY, I'M JUST THIRSTY. WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL! PHIL: NO, YOU GO TO HELL! WHILE YOU'RE THERE, WHY DON'T YOU GRAB ME A JUICE BOX! I'M NO JUICE BOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT! YES, YOU ARE! NO, I'M NOT! YES, YOU ARE! NO, I'M NOT! YES, YOU ARE! NO, I'M NOT! YOU'RE LIKE YOUR OLD MAN. I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! IF IT WEREN'T FOR THESE KIDS, I WOULD WHIP YOUR BUTT! I CAN TAKE A PUNCH! I'M OUT OF HERE. BYE-BYE. I'LL SEE YOU, MR. BIG TIME COACH. BYE-BYE! I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING! WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! EVERYONE WAVE GOOD-BYE TO JUICE BOX! (CAR ENGINE STARTS) LITERALLY WAVE. DO IT! PARENTS, TOO! (TYRES SCREECH) EVERYONE WAVE! OKAY. GUYS... I ONLY WANT WINNERS OUT ON THE FIELD. WHO'S A WINNER? I SAID, WHO'S A WINNER? I AM. EVERYONE'S HAND SHOULD BE UP. BOYS: I AM. OKAY, EVERYONE BRING IT IN. WHO ARE WE? BOYS: TIGERS. WHAT? (LOUDER): TIGERS. ALL RIGHT, LET'S BREAK SOMEONE'S CLAVICLE, ON THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE! BREAK SOMEONE'S CLAVICLE! BREAK SOMEONE'S CLAVI... HIT THE FIELD. LET'S GO. YOUR DAD'S A TRIP, YOU KNOW THAT? PHIL: MOVE IT! MOVE IT! HUH? PICK UP THAT PIECE OF TRASH, TOM. TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HAVE A SENSE OF PRIDE, HUH? IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LAP. GO RUN A LAP! I'M TIMING YOU. (STOPWATCH TICKING) PICK IT UP! FASTER! PHIL: HERE WE GO! BELLISIMO! (WHOOPS) RIGHT THERE. HE'S RIGHT THERE. GOOD, GOOD. (YELLS IN PAIN, GRUNTS) (GROANS) (BLOWS WHISTLE) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) OH! (CROWD GROANS) YES! YOU JUST WERE SERVED A PLATE OF HUMILIATION. HOW'S THAT FEEL? HEY! OFF THE FIELD! (BLOWS WHISTLE) OFF THE FIELD, TARZAN! I'M OFF. (GRUNTS) (CROWD CHEERING) PHIL: DEFENCE! COME ON! YOU GUYS KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DEFENCE?! DAD? YEAH? DAD? DAD? NOT NOW, SAM. CAN YOU PUT ME IN? LATER. LATER. GO GRAB SOME BENCH. COME ON, COME ON! THERE WE GO, GIAN PIERO. PHIL: YOU LOOK GOOD. (MACHINE RUMBLING) THINK YOU CAN MARK HIM? YEAH, I CAN TAKE HIM. J.J., ZACK, EVERYBODY SEE WHAT WE GOT TO DO WITH THESE GUYS? IT'S FOUR ON ONE, THREE ON ANOTHER, RIGHT? WE HAVE TO... WE REALLY HAVE TO SMOTHER 'EM. YES! YES! YEAH! (cheering) YES! YES! YEAH! ALL RIGHT! (whistle BLOWING) YEAH! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! DID YOU JUST PUSH A KID TO THE GROUND?! HE FELL DOWN. HE FELL DOWN! PHIL: PLAY IT UP, PLAY IT UP. PLAY IT UP. BACK AND FORTH. (SHOUTS IN ITALIAN) (CHEERING) VICTORY! WE'RE IN THE FINALS! # WE ARE # WE'RE IN THE FINALS! # THE CHAMPIONS # ALL RIGHT! # MY FRIEND # LOSERS! LOSER! # AND WE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTING # LOSERS! YOU'RE A LOSER! LOSERS! # TILL THE END # (yelling HYSTERICALLY) # WE ARE # (whoops) EVERYONE SHOULD GET # THE CHAMPIONS! # ONE OF THESE! PASS HIM AROUND! # WE ARE # PASS HIM AROUND! # THE CHAMPIONS # # NO TIME FOR CHOOSING # HONEY? # 'CAUSE WE ARE # (whoops) OH, OH... # THE CHAMPIONS... # ALL RIGHT! GET SOME ROPE! WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED TO YOUR DAD? I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, I'M NEVER DRINKING COFFEE AS LONG AS I LIVE. (LOUD BANG) # ...OF THE WORLD. # WOW. WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW. WHAT A DAY. WHA-WHAT IS WITH THE COFFEE? EVERY HOME IN EUROPE HAS ITS OWN COFFEE PRESS. IN FACT, EVERY ROOM. YOU KNOW WHAT, PHIL, YOU GOT TO STOP. YOU'VE GONE OVERBOARD. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU CALLED A GROUP OF TEN-YEAR-OLDS "LOSERS." I DID NOT. YOU SCREAMED IT THROUGH A CONE; EVERYONE HEARD YOU. WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL THEM, "WINNERS"? 'CAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE ME A LIAR. OKAY, AND AT LEAST GIVE ME THAT-- I AM NOT A LIAR. YOU JUST LIED JUST A... WHEN? JUST A SECOND AGO! ABOUT... ABOUT THE CONE THING. OKAY, YOU GOT ME ON THAT ONE. THAT'S ONE LIE, THOUGH. WE'RE IN THE FINALS-- AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT THAT? WHERE'S SAM? WELL, SAM'S UP IN HIS ROOM. VERY UPSET. VERY DEPRESSED. DEPRESSED? WE WON. YOU DIDN'T PLAY HIM, PHIL. I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS. THIS HAS BECOME ALL ABOUT YOU AND BUCK. THAT IS PATENTLY UNTRUE. AND AS FAR AS SAM NOT PLAYING THE GAME, THAT'S HIS FAULT. WHAT?! HE NEEDS TO SPEAK UP, OKAY? I CAN'T WORRY ABOUT EVERY PLAYER. I CAN'T TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS, NO, NOT ANYMORE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU'RE NOT HUMAN, THAT'S FOR SURE. YOU'RE LIKE... YOU'RE LIKE SOME KIND OF ANIMAL. AN ANIMAL? YES, LIKE A WILD ANIMAL. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'M GOING. COFFEE'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. (DRIVING ROCK INTRO TO "EYE OF THE TIGER" PLAYING) # THE EYE OF THE TIGER... # BARBARA, ARE YOU THERE? PICK UP. IT'S ME. GAME'S ABOUT TO START. WHERE'S SAMMY? I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GONNA MEET ME HERE. # THE EYE OF THE TIGER # HELLO? HELLO? YOU KNOW WHAT, I GOT TO RUN. WHO-WHO DRESSES YOU THESE DAYS? WHAT'S THIS, SOME KIND OF CLOWN OUTFIT? # THE EYE OF THE TIGER... # NO. TIGER OUTFIT. GOOD, GOOD. SOME OF THE COOL STUFF I CAN DO. AND YOU THINK THIS SUIT'S GONNA HELP YOU? # THE EYE OF THE TIGER... # WE'LL SEE. MIGHT BE A GOOD LUCK CHARM. (CHUCKLES): OKAY, GOOD LUCK, SON. YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT. PHIL: BRING IT IN. LET'S GO. HUDDLE IT UP. COME ON. COACH, UM, WHERE'S SAMMY? 'CAUSE I DON'T SEE HIM ANYWHERE. HE'LL BE HERE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM. (WHISPERING): OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN UP. NOW... I DON'T THINK IT NEEDS TO BE SAID MORE THAN ONCE HOW IMPORTANT TODAY'S GAME IS, HUH? THIS IS WHAT WE'VE WORKED ALL YEAR FOR. WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING? (WHISPERING): FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT. BUCK: WHO ARE THOSE GUYS OVER THERE, HUH? BOYS: TIGERS. THEY LOOK LIKE PUSSYCATS TO ME, WHAT DO YOU SAY? YEAH. AFRAID OF THEM? NO! OKAY. YOU STEP ON THIS FIELD, THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU. I MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA BE THE ONE STAYING UP LATE AT NIGHT, YOU KNOW, PUNCHING A HOLE THROUGH THE WINDOW OR CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP OR WETTING MY BED. OKAY? THAT'S NOT GONNA BE ME. 'CAUSE I'M FINE-- I GOT MY VITAMIN STORE TO GO BACK TO. I'M GONNA BE JUST GREAT. I'M GONNA BE GREAT. LET ME HEAR YOU SAY THAT WE CAN DO THIS. BOYS: WE CAN DO THIS! AGAIN. WE CAN DO THIS! ONE MORE TIME. WE CAN DO THIS! (WHISPERING): YOU EITHER WIN AND GO ON TO GREATNESS, OR YOU LOSE... AND PROBABLY FACE A SERIES OF CATACLYSMIC EVENTS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES. BRING IT IN, GUYS. BRING IT IN. TIGERS ON THREE. WHISPER. ONE, TWO, THREE, ALL (WHISPER): TIGERS. ALL: ONE, TWO, THREE, GLADIATORS! GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO THE HHSO CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. I'LL BE GIVING YOU A PLAY-BY-PLAY, BLOW-BY-BLOW OF WHAT PROMISES TO BE THE GAME OF THE YEAR: COME ON! THE TIGERS VERSUS THE GLADIATORS. GLADIATORS WITH THE BALL. IMMEDIATELY STOLEN BY MASSIMO. DEFENCE, PUSH DEEPER! DEEP! DEEP! KICKS IT HIGH. IT'S A PERFECT PASS! SHOT! (cheering) GOAL! (GRUNTS) (HUMMING "GET READY FOR THIS") (PHIL CONTINUES HUMMING) # ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? # JIM (OVER P.A.): THE GLADIATORS WITH SOME GOOD BALL MOVEMENT. SHOT! IT'S OFF THE MARK! GIVE IT UP, DAD! IT'S A LONG GAME, SONNY! HEY, GRAB THE PEBBLE FROM MY HAND, GRASSHOPPER! WHAT? HEY, IF IT ISN'T FART-FACE JONES. WHAT'S UP, FARTY-PANTS? BRING IT ON. YOU CAN HAVE THE FIRST PUNCH RIGHT HERE. I COULD EAT A BOX OF COOKIES FOR DINNER IF I WANT TO. CAN YOU DO THAT? NO. 'CAUSE YOU'RE A FART-FACED KID. (vicious YELL) OH, MY GOD! HELP! TIGERS, HELP ME! (blows WHISTLE) GET HIM OFF ME! GET HIM, LOGAN. THAT A BOY, LOGAN! HE'S GOT MY EAR! HE'S GOT MY EAR! HEY! (LAUGHING) HE'S LIKE A JACKAL FROM HELL. JIM: ITALIANS WITH THE BALL. AND THEY PASS IT OFF TO LITTLE BYONG SUN. PASS IT OFF! PASS IT! DO IT! SHOOT IT, BYONG SUN! SHOOT IT! NO, NO, NO! (GRUNTS) JIM: OH! WEAK KICK STOLEN AWAY AND KICKED WAY DOWNFIELD! GLADIATORS MOVING THE BALL. HUNTER, CATCH UP. CATCH UP. THEY FIND BUCKY WESTON IN THE OPEN. HE SHOOTS! SCORES! YES! GLADIATORS TIE THE GAME. BYONG SUN! WHAT WAS THAT? I THOUGHT I HAD THE SHOT. YOU THOUGHT? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS? YOU CAN TAKE AS MANY SHOTS AS YOU WANT DURING PRACTICE, BUT NEVER, EVER IN A GAME, ESPECIALLY NOT THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME! OKAY, YOU CANNOT TALK... NO, NO, NO. TAKE A SEAT. GO AHEAD. ANN: EASE UP ON HIM. YOU EASE UP ON THAT CORDUROY JACKET OF YOURS. (WHISTLE BLOWS) JIM: GLADIATORS MOVING THE BALL. (YELLS IN PAIN) OOH! NUMBER 14 GOES DOWN! (BLOWS WHISTLE) COME ON! THAT? GOOD CALL, REF. THAT'S A BAD CALL. (BLOWS WHISTLE) COACHES HERE NOW! GOD! THAT'S A BAD CALL, YOU KNOW IT. HEY, HEY, HEY! THAT'S A BAD CALL. HEY, HEY! I'M WARNING YOU. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. ASK YOU A QUESTION. OH. OKAY. HOW MUCH YOU PAY HIM TO MAKE THOSE CALLS? YOU ARE ONE WISECRACK AWAY FROM BEING THROWN OUT OF THIS GAME. I DON'T WANT TO GET THROWN OUT. CAN I JUST BE ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THE GAME? YOU CAN BE ENTHUSIASTIC 'CAUSE THAT'S ALL I WANT TO DO. AT A RESPECTABLE LEVEL. I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. NOW... GO TO YOUR PLACES! AND KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF. WOW, WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? HERE'S ALL I HEARD. THE REF SAID... (FARTING NOISE) THEN MY DAD SAID... (FARTING NOISE) THEN THE REF SAID... (FARTING NOISE) ANY MORE QUESTIONS? HIT THE ROAD. MOVE IT. (WHISTLE BLOWS) JIM: MASSIMO WITH THE BALL, TRYING TO PASS IT OFF TO HIS BROTHER. COME ON! JIM: BUT BUCK WESTON HAS FIGURED OUT THIS TIGER OFFENCE. (CHUCKLING) PHIL: GET BACK ON DEFENCE! WHAT DID I JUST SAY? JIM: BUCKY WITH ANOTHER OPEN SHOT. (grunting) GOAL! YES! JIM: GLADIATORS TAKE THE LEAD. WAS ANYONE LISTENING? JIM: THE ITALIANS HAVE EFFECTIVELY BEEN SHUT DOWN. (WHISTLE BLOWS) THAT'S THE HALF. HONEY? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I CALLED YOU TWICE. WHY ISN'T SAM IN HIS UNIFORM? IT TOOK ME ALL MORNING TO CONVINCE HIM TO COME, AND THE ONLY REASON HE IS HERE IS TO SUPPORT HIS TEAM. HE DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY FOR ME? HE WOULD LOVE TO PLAY FOR YOU, PHIL, BUT YOU'VE TURNED HIM INTO A BENCH WARMER. SOUND FAMILIAR? LOOK, I... JUST WANTED TO GET TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, THAT... WELL, YOU'RE HERE, PHIL. I'M NOT CRYING, IT'S FRUSTRATION. DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. IF YOU PLAY THE SECOND HALF THE WAY YOU PLAYED THE FIRST HALF, I'M GOING TO TRADE THE WHOLE TEAM TO THE TIGERS NEXT YEAR. YOUNG PHIL: CAN I GO IN NOW? I HAVE FRESH LEGS. BUCK: PHILLY, I CAN'T. IT'S THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, ALL RIGHT? DON'T BOTHER ME, OKAY? I DIDN'T PLAY THE WEEK BEFORE EITHER. I PROMISE YOU I'LL PLAY YOU NEXT SEASON, OKAY? YOU WANT TO BE GLADIATORS? BOYS: YEAH. LET'S SAY "WE ARE GLADIATORS." WE ARE GLADIATORS. SAY IT AGAIN! BOYS: WE ARE GLADIATORS! OKAY, GO OUT IN THE SECOND HALF AND STAY FOCUSED. YOU DOING OKAY? I KNOW THIS IS TOUGH. HEY, GUYS. SAM, YOU THINK I COULD TALK TO YOU? I GUESS. HONEY, DO YOU MIND? SO, I JUST... WAS THINKING, UH, GROWN-UPS ARE ALWAYS TELLING KIDS HOW THEY MESS UP, RIGHT? THE TRUTH IS, SOMETIMES GROWN-UPS SCREW UP, BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TELL US WHEN WE DO IT. I SCREWED UP, SAM. YOU THINK? I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP IN... IN EVERYTHING. I... I REALLY LOST MY WAY. I MEAN... I APOLOGIZE. I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU IF YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME AND YOU GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE, I'D LIKE TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU. OKAY. YOU ACCEPT MY APOLOGY THEN? YEAH. THANKS, BUDDY. ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE STARTING THE SECOND HALF. SAM: REALLY? YEAH. YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT LOSING THE GAME? NO, I'M WORRIED ABOUT LOSING YOU. I BROUGHT YOUR UNIFORM JUST IN CASE. SO GO SUIT UP, OKAY? GOOD JOB. THANKS. NOW GIVE ME THAT JACKET. HEY, GUYS. EVERYONE TAKE A SEAT, IF YOU WOULD. I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU, UM... (SIGHS) I JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I BLEW IT. I-I-I... I COMPLETELY BLEW IT. AND WE SHOULD'VE JUST BEEN HAVING FUN ALL ALONG, AND, HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. AND I OWE YOU, I OWE ALL OF YOU, AN APOLOGY. I AM VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY. WITH A CAPITAL "S" AND A CAPITAL "ORRY." YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. YOU-YOU GUYS ARE GREAT KIDS. YOU'RE UNIQUE WITH YOUR OWN STRENGTHS AND TALENTS, AND I SHOULD HAVE BEEN PROMOTING THAT AND INSTEAD I WASN'T, 'CAUSE I'M A LOUSY COACH AND I DIDN'T TEACH YOU ANYTHING. THAT'S NOT TRUE, DAD. WHAT?! WHAT?! (KIDS TALKING AT ONCE) HE TRIED TO KILL ME! WELL, HE TAUGHT US EXACTLY HOW NOT TO PLAY SOCCER. ACTUALLY, SAM'S RIGHT. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID. YOU... WE JUST NEED TO TAKE THE FIELD AND YOU GUYS JUST DO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING I'VE TAUGHT YOU. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU TO DO? ALWAYS PLAY THE ITALIANS. OKAY. THERE YOU GO. GIAN PIERO, MASSIMO, WE'LL GET SOME FRESH LEGS IN THERE, GIVE YOU GUYS A REST. REST? PHIL: YEAH. THANKS. OKAY. GRAZIE, GRAZIE. WHAT ELSE HAVE I TAUGHT YOU? BREAK PEOPLE'S CLAVICLES. CHOP-BLOCK. TATTOOS ARE COOL. DON'T REMEMBER THAT ONE. COFFEE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT FUELS THE DREAMS OF CHAMPIONS. RIGHT. HOLD ON. (CHEERING) (GRUNTS) YEAH, BYONG SUN! (CHEERING) ALL RIGHT. WHAT ELSE? THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS WINNING. PHIL: NO! NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS HAVING FUN AND TRYING YOUR BEST. ALL RIGHT? SO, LET'S GET OUT THERE AND DO EVERYTHING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I'VE TAUGHT YOU. SOUND LIKE A PLAN? BRING IT IN. HERE WE GO. YESSSS. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? BOYS: DON'T LISTEN TO PHIL! TAKE THE FIELD. HERE WE GO, GUYS. HAVE FUN. JIM: DOWN BY ONE, THE TIGERS HAVE BOTH ITALIANS SITTING ON THE BENCH? ODD MOVE BY COACH PHIL WESTON. STOP THEM, GUYS. (GRUNTS) JIM: GOAL! AND THE TIGER GOALIE GOES DOWN HARD. OH, MY.... THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE INTENSITY I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR-- THAT'S IT. HEY, REF, UH, INJURY. THE TIGER GOALIE LOOKS OKAY. TIME OUT. TIME OUT. COACH WESTON IS TAKING ANYONE WITH GLASSES? NO CHANCES. CAN I BORROW YOUR GLASSES? DO YOU MIND? THANK YOU. APPRECIATE THAT. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED THOSE. YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT. I JUST WANT TO DO A LITTLE VISION TEST HERE, ALL RIGHT? IS THAT BETTER OR WORSE? WORSE. BETTER OR WORSE? WORSE. BETTER OR WORSE? BETTER. PUT THOSE ON. LET'S GO GUYS. ALL RIGHT. HE'S OKAY. JIM: PLAY RESUMES. THE GLADIATORS STILL DOMINATING THE FIELD. WOW! AN AMAZING SAVE BY THE TIGER GOALIE. THAT'S MY BABY. TIGERS WITH THE BALL. MARK! MARK! ON THE NECK. OH. JIM: MARK AVERY KICKS THE BALL UP, CATCHES IT ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK. THE REST OF THE TIGERS ARE FORMING SOME KIND OF WEDGE. BREAK THROUGH-- WIN THE BALL BACK. KNOCK THOSE CLOWNS DOWN. JIM: MARK AVERY LEADS THE LEAGUE IN LEAST AMOUNT OF TIME PLAYED. HEY, KEEPER. EWWW... MM... (GROANS) JIM: AMBROSE WITH A POWERHOUSE KICK. (WHISTLE BLOWS) YEAH! (CHEERING) YES! HUNTER, I'D GIVE YOU A KISS, BUT YOU JUST ATE A WORM. CAN YOU SMELL IT? IT'S THE SMELL OF VICTORY, BABY! I LOVE YOU, DAD. SEE IF YOU LOVE ME AT THE END OF THE GAME. LET'S GO, GUYS. STAY FOCUSED. EVERY TIME YOU SAY SOMETHING BACK TO ME, IT MAKES ME LOVE YOU MORE. I CAN'T... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. JIM: HUNTER IS TEARING DOWN THE FIELD. AND HE KICKS THE BALL TO JACK. (cheering) GO, GO, GO. JACK TAKES THE BALL INTO THE CORNER. WHOA, IT'S A LITTLE BIT HIGH. WAIT A SECOND, WHAT'S GOING ON? IT'S LIKE THEY'RE FORMING SOME SORT OF MEGAPERSON. (cheering) DID EVERYONE SEE THAT? (CHEERING) A HEADER BY BYONG SUN FROM AMBROSE'S SHOULDER FOR A GOAL! WAY TO GO, BING BONG. THAT'S NOT LEGAL. IS THAT LEGAL, REF? GREAT HUSTLE. GIAN PIERO, MASSIMO, YOU'RE BACK IN. OKAY. BUT REMEMBER, SHARE THE BALL. TEAM. RIGHT, TEAM. GOOD. OKAY, GUYS. THE ITALIANS ARE BACK IN, AND MASSIMO STEALS THE BALL! LESS THAN A MINUTE LEFT TO PLAY, AND THE GLADIATORS ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF SYNCH HERE. AND THE BALL GOES TO AMBROSE... WHO FAKES... WATCH IT, IT'S A TRAP! STAY WITH THE ITALIANS! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET PAST OLD UNCLE BUCKY FOR THIS ONE. HERE'S SOMETHING YOUR DAD NEVER TAUGHT YOU. (cheering) GOAL! (WHISTLE BLOWS) JIM: AND YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOARD. (WHISTLE BLOWS) THAT'S THE GAME! JIM: TIGERS WIN! TIGERS WIN! (cheering) WAY TO GO, GUYS! (cheering) NICE JOB, EVERYONE! SAMMY! WHERE'D YOU LEARN A MOVE LIKE THAT, SAM? I PRACTICED EVERY TIME YOU BENCHED ME. CROWD (CHANTING): TIGERS! TIGERS! TIGERS! GREAT GAME, BUCKY. A HELL OF A GAME, BRO. I GUESS WE REALLY GOT OUT-COACHED. THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE THAT. AND I'M SERIOUS. I DON'T GIVE COMPLIMENTS LIGHTLY. THIS IS FROM THE HEART. I'M NOT BLOWING SMOKE UP MY BUTT. I THINK YOU MEAN SMOKE UP MY BUTT. DUDE, JUST TAKE THE COMPLIMENT, ALL RIGHT? YOU GOT IT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER? SEE YOU AT THE BARBECUE. OKAY. GOOD JOB. SORRY, GRANDPA. WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF ANYONE'S GOING TO BEAT ME, I'M GLAD IT WAS YOU. GREAT GOAL, SAMPSON. SO YOU'RE NOT MAD? THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME MAD IS I LET YOU GET AWAY FROM THE GLADIATORS, OKAY? (CHUCKLES) I'LL NEVER BE MAD AT YOU. NEVER. PHIL: BURGERS LOOK GOOD, RIGHT? THAT ONE'S DEAD. THIS ONE NEEDS TO BE TURNED, OKAY? LOOKS GOOD TO ME. YOU'LL LEARN. YOU'LL LEARN. (BLOWER WHIRRING) HEY, DITKA, KNOCK IT OFF, WOULD YOU? WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF? DAD, RELAX. HERE, I'LL HANDLE IT. I'LL TALK TO HIM. HEY, BUCK. YEAH? REMEMBER WHEN WE BEAT YOU IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP? YEAH, REMEMBER WHEN, UH, WHEN I SHOVED THAT KID IN THE POOL? WHOA! OKAY, BUCK. YOU GOT ME GOOD, BUCKY. HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR HAMBURGER? WELL-DONE. THANKS, BUCK. OKAY. YOU GOT IT. HEY, COACH. YEAH? HEY. HEY. UM, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD, WE WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP. YEAH, I HEARD. LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY FOR THE WAY I ACTED AND... HEY, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. YOU WERE A RAVING MANIAC. YES, I WAS. I WAS A MANIAC. YEAH, BUT I SEE YOU CHANGED YOUR WAYS. AND, MAN, DOWN THE STRETCH, YOU DID ONE GREAT JOB OF COACHING THOSE KIDS. THANK YOU. THAT MEANS A LOT. SO CAN I COUNT ON YOU FOR NEXT YEAR? NO. OKAY. BUT YOU AND I, WE'RE GOOD? WE'RE GOOD. HOW ABOUT YOU AND YOUR OLD MAN? BETTER. YEAH. LISTEN. I MEAN NO DISRESPECT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, BUT MY JOB IN LIFE IS TO MAKE YOUR DAD'S LIFE A LIVING HELL. HEY, DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO. I GOT TO DO IT. I'M ABOUT TO MAKE GOOD ON THAT PELE BET, YOU WANT TO COME OVER AND WATCH? YEAH, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I'VE GOT TO GET ALL THESE LEAVES OVER IN THAT YARD BEFORE NIGHTFALL. RIGHT. WE HAD A BET, YOU WON FAIR AND SQUARE. GOOD JOB. YES. THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, I DON'T SAY THIS ENOUGH, BUT YOU REALLY STEPPED UP. I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON. I APPRECIATE THAT. THE REAL PELE BALL? YEP. I'M ACTUALLY TOUCHING IT. TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT. THAT MEANS AN AWFUL LOT TO ME, THAT BALL. IT DOES, DOESN'T IT? YEAH. HERE. WHAT? YOU KEEP IT. NO, YOU WON FAIR AND SQUARE. IT'S YOURS NOW. YOU BEAT ME, PHILLY. WELL, THE TIGERS BEAT YOU. I MEAN, I HAD A GOOD TIME KICKING YOUR BUTT, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, BUT... IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING. I THOUGHT IT WAS, IT'S NOT. ABOUT, ABOUT YOU AND ME. YOU KNOW, THE BALL IS JUST A METAPHOR ABOUT THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US. IT'S A SOCCER BALL. NO, NO, NO, DAD, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE BALL. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THE BALL. I DON'T WANT THE BALL. THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT? TV ANNOUNCER: AND NOW, AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE KING. HI, I'M BUCK WESTON, KING OF SPORTING GOODS, AND TO MAKE MY STORES THE BEST THEY CAN BE, I'VE TEAMED UP WITH MY SON. HELLO! I'M PHIL WESTON, AND I'M THE PRINCE OF VITAMINS. NOW YOU CAN GET ALL YOUR HEALTH SUPPLEMENT NEEDS. AT BUCK AND PHIL'S SPORTS KINGDOM. AT PRICES SO LOW, IT'LL BLOW YOUR TOP. DON'T WORRY, KIND SIR, WE'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR THAT TOO. SEE? I DO SEE, PRINCE PHIL. NOW IN FIVE CONVENIENT LOCATIONS. I'M BUCK WESTON. AND I'M PHIL WESTON. BOTH: AND WE'VE GOT BALLS. AND VITAMINS. BUT MAINLY BALLS. ALL: AND VITAMINS! THESE GUYS COULDN'T WIN A SALAD BOWL, LET ALONE A SUPER BOWL! DIANA: MIKE, I SMELL SMOKE! NOBODY'S SMOKING! BESIDES, I'M THE KING IN THIS HOUSE, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! GOTCHA! OKAY, HONEY. # TRY TO SEE THINGS MY WAY # # DO I HAVE TO KEEP ON TALKING TILL I CAN'T GO ON? # # WHILE YOU SEE IT YOUR WAY # # RUN THE RISK OF KNOWING THAT OUR LOVE MAY SOON BE GONE # # WE CAN WORK IT OUT, WE CAN WORK IT OUT # # THINK OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING # # YOU CAN GET IT WRONG AND STILL YOU THINK THAT IT'S ALL RIGHT # # THINK OF WHAT I'M SAYING # # WE CAN WORK IT OUT AND GET IT STRAIGHT OR SAY GOOD NIGHT # # WE CAN WORK IT OUT, WE CAN WORK IT OUT # (HARMONICA SOLO) # HEY! WE CAN WORK IT OUT # (HARMONICA CONTINUES) # WE CAN WORK IT OUT # # WORK IT OUT WITH ME, BABY # # WORK IT OUT WITH ME, BABY # # HEY! # (UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2017