www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 (TRADITIONAL GREEK MUSIC) WOMAN (VOICEOVER): GREECE. PEOPLE COME HERE FROM ALL OVER... TO SEE THE ANCIENT RUINS... TO BASK IN HISTORY... TO BE A PART OF THE BIRTHPLACE OF CIVILISATION. PEOPLE RECONNECT WITH THEIR SOULS. THEY FIND THEIR MOJO. IN GREECE, IT'S CALLED "KEFI," WHICH MEANS "PASSION," "JOY," "SPIRIT." (DISTANT BELL TOLLING) AAH, LATE! (KNOCKING AT DOOR) GOODBYE, GIANNAKI. (MAN SPEAKING GREEK) WOMAN: IN A WEEK. THAT WINDOW'S STUCK AGAIN. MAN: YEAH, TROUBLE. MONEYS FOR RENT? WOMAN: I LEFT IT ON THE TRAPEZI. (SPEAKING GREEK) (SPEAKING GREETING IN GREEK) (VOICEOVER): NOW, ME, I LOVE THE BEAUTY AND ARCHITECTURE OF ANCIENT GREECE. (HORN HONKING) BUT LIVING IN MODERN GREECE CAN BE A BIT FRUSTRATING. (HORN HONKING) (GASPS) SOMETIMES THINGS GO FAST. MOST TIMES... (PRIESTS CONVERSING IN GREEK) ...NOT SO MUCH. I CAME HERE A YEAR AGO TO TEACH AT ATHENS UNIVERSITY. CUTBACKS LEFT ME WITHOUT A JOB, SO NOW FOR NOW I WORK AT PANGLOSS TOURS. WOMAN: GEORGIA! GEORGIA: OH, YEAH, I'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM. (TRADITIONAL GREEK MUSIC PLAYING) AH, GEORGIA! AGAIN YOU CUT OUT BEACH DAY. THEY CAN GO TO THE BEACH IN ANY COUNTRY. ON MY TOUR, I TEACH THEM ABOUT ANCIENT ARCHITECTURE. NOBODY COMES TO GREECE TO LEARN. MARIA, I DISAGREE. IT'S OPEN. YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOB. DON'T YOU READ THE EVALUATIONS? "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF GEORGIA AS TOUR DIRECTOR?" "AVERAGE." (scoffs) "AVERAGE." "AVERAGE." SO I'M AVERAGE. AVERAGE IS THE LOWEST BOX YOU CAN CHECK HERE. YOU THINK WE HAVE SOMETHING THAT SAYS "STINKS"? YEAH, AND IF WE DID, YOU'D BE "STINKS." (SCOFFS) THEY FIND YOUR TOUR BORING. MY TOURISTS ARE BORING. I THINK I'VE GUIDED, LIKE, 34 TOURS, AND YOU GIVE ME THE SAME TOURISTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. LOOK, THERE THEY ARE. THE TIPSY AUSTRALIANS. (LAUGHS) THE OBNOXIOUS AMERICANS. IT'S CALLED "RIP-OFF." BE CAREFUL WITH THAT. THE MISERABLE MARRIAGES. THE DISGUSTED WITH MEN BUT STILL LOOKING DIVORCEES. (horn HONKS) STOP! OH, AND OF COURSE... THE OLD PEOPLE. OH, I DON'T SEE MR. FUNNY. WHO? THERE'S ALWAYS ONE ANNOYING GUY WHO THINKS HE'S THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. MAN: YEAH, JUST LIKE THE BROCHURE... CANADIANS. OH! AW, POLITE CANADIANS. CAN I HAVE 'EM? NO, THEY'RE IN GROUP A, NICO'S GROUP. WHY DOES NICO ALWAYS GET THE GOOD GROUP? HIS EVALUATIONS DON'T SAY "AVERAGE." (SIGHS) GOD. BY THE WAY, SPYROS ELOPED WITH THAT GIRL WITH NO FOOT. EXCELLENT. WHY? I'M BEING SARCASTIC. YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. STOP TRYING. WHO'S MY DRIVER? NOT THEMIO! RELAX, HE IS IN JAIL. YOU GOT THE SUBSTITUTE, PROKAPI. THE CREEPY, HAIRY, CREEPY GUY? (SLURPING) HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME, ISN'T HE? (LOW): DOES HE SPEAK ENGLISH? I DON'T KNOW IF HE SPEAKS ANYTHING. MAYBE THEY CAUGHT A BEAR, TAUGHT IT TO DRIVE. (laughs) (sighs) SO I HAVE RULES. YOU CANNOT SPEED, YOU CANNOT SMOKE, AND YOU CANNOT EAT WHILE DRIVING. (SWITCHBLADE CLICKS) (SIGHS) GREAT, HE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH. DON'T FORGET TO BRUSH HIM. MARIA. NICO. MARIA. HMM! NICO. HEY, THANK YOU FOR MY GROUP, EH? OOH! WHOA. HE BRIBES YOU FOR THE GOOD GROUP? NO. YES. HMM... OH. (DOOR OPENS) OH. THAT GIRL. THAT GIRL HAS NO KEFI. WHAT GREEK DOES NOT HAVE SPIRIT, EH? MAYBE SHE'S HALF GREEK. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TEMPORARY WHILE SHE LOOKED FOR SOME BIG-SHOT TEACHING JOB, AND NOW NO ONE WILL HIRE HER AND I AM STUCK WITH HER. HEY, IF I, UH, IF I MAKE HER QUIT, CAN I HAVE A RAISE? I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. YES. (CHUCKLES) GROUP B. GROUP B, EVERYONE. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) GROUP B, HELLO, I'M GEORGIA. WELCOME TO GREECE. I'M YOUR TOUR GUIDE. UH, I'M IRV, UH, IRV GIDEON, AND I'VE COME HERE TO SEE AS MANY ANCIENT RUINS AS POSSIBLE, AND JUDGING FROM YOUR HUSBAND, THE TRIP IS ALREADY A SUCCESS. OH! OOH! (laughs) AH, THERE YOU ARE... AND INDEED FUNNY. OH... (CACKLING) I'M KILLING ME. HOW MANY OF YOU, LIKE ME, HAVE COME HERE TO FONDLE AS MANY NUDE STATUES AS POSSIBLE? OH. HALF THE REASON I CAME. HEY, GET YOUR HAND DOWN. IRV: GEEZ. THIS IS COMEDY. THE GREEKS INVENTED IT. MM-HMM. JUST LIKE MOUSTACHES ON WOMEN. (CHUCKLES) YOU KNOW, WE LEFT ADELAIDE LAST NIGHT WITH 17 POUNDS OF FROZEN FLAKE... TWO AND A HALF LATER, SHE'S RIGHT ON THE BUGLE, I'M GIVING IT LIQUID YAWNS IN THE DUNNIES! IT WAS A SHOCKER, BARRY. YEAH. ARE THEY SPEAKING WORDS? OH, AUSTRALIANS ARE THE NICEST PEOPLE, BUT YOU CAN ONLY UNDERSTAND ABOUT HALF OF WHAT THEY SAY. ...BAD CASE OF THE TROTS FROM LAST NIGHT'S TUCKER. IT'S THE LAST TIME I EAT FISH. PONG. A LONG FLIGHT... WHOO! EXCUSE ME, IS THIS PANGLOSS TOURS?! GROUP B? (SIGHS) SWEET MARBLE CAKE, SHE SPEAKS AMERICAN. COME ON, GET IT UP NOW. OKAY. HA HA. (both LAUGHING LOUDLY) OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S GET ON THE BUS. OH, YES! OKAY, GROUP B, GOT YOUR TICKETS? I DO, YEAH. FOLLOW ME. (BRAKES SQUEALING) (VEHICLE SPUTTERING) SPOOKY. OKAY. NOW, MAKE SURE THAT YOUR LUGGAGE IS TAGGED, AND THE DRIVER WILL STOW IT. (SHUTTER SNAPS) OKAY, YOU GOT ME. SORRY. THAT'S OKAY. DR. TULLEN? OH, NO, NO. I'M MISTER, THAT'S, UM... I AM DR. TULLEN AND THIS IS OUR DAUGHTER CAITLIN. DO SMILE, DARLING. I AM. HEY, BIG FELLA, HOW MANY BELLS YOU GOT ON THE OLD DICKORY? WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL IS HE SAYING? OH, WAKE UP, AUSTRALIA, HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. LET'S SEE, IF IT'S, UH... HERE YOU GO. ...TEN HOURS AHEAD HERE, THEN THAT WOULD MAKE IT... KIMMY, WHAT TIME IS IT BACK IN THE STATES? THE RIGHT TIME. (LAUGHING): OH, GOOD ONE, KIMMY. KIM AND AL SAWCHUCK. S-A-W-CHUCK. OKAY. COME ON, AL, COME ON, BIG AL. AL SAWCHUCK. HOW ARE YOU? LET'S GO, BIG AL. OKAY, THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. UM... THERE'S NO SMOKING ON THE BUS. UH, I HAVE A QUESTION. YEP. WHAT'S WITH THE BEEKEEPER? MY WIFE NEEDS PROTECTION FROM THE SUN. BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE SUN. (CHUCKLES) THAT MAN IS SO RUDE. MAKE IT STOP. EXCUSE ME, LADIES. HEY THERE. UM, I'M MARC MALLARD, IHOP. THAT'S THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES. AH... DID ONE OF YOU LOSE THIS? OH, THANK YOU, MARC. I MUST HAVE DROPPED IT. AH, RI-RIGHT. IT LOOKS LIKE A RASPBERRY WAFFLE. OR A TART. MM... OR A TART. HI. I'M LINA MARIA ANGUSTES TERESA FERNANDA DE LA VERA RODRIGUEZ. AND SHE'S LALA CRUZ. LALA: WE ARE FROM ESPANA. REALLY? BOTH: YEAH. AND WE ARE BOTH RECENTLY DIVORCED. AH. AND OFF MEN. MM. HI, I'M MARC MALLARD, IHOP. HELLO. GEORGIA GIANNAKOPOULOS, PANGLOSS TOURS. I'LL SEE YOU ON THE BUS. (CHUCKLING): OKAY. GROUP B? YES, NAMES? (CHUCKLING) YOU DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH, DO YOU? (CHUCKLING) AND MARIA GAVE YOU TO ME. (SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE) MM-HMM. LUGGAGE THIS WAY, AND THEN YOU'LL GET ON THE BUS. EXCUSE ME. YEAH. I'M LOOKING FOR THE BUS? THIS IS IT. OH. UH, GROUP B? OH, COOL! OKAY. HEY. GAGATOR PHILIPS, UH... I'M FROM FLORIDA. (CLEARING THROAT) THE STATE. (chuckles) YOU TRAVELING ALONE? AH, NO WAY, MAN. I'M GOING TO MEET MY GIRLFRIEND... IN GREECE. WE ARE IN GREECE. NOW? YEAH. RIGHT ON. OH, THANKS, MAN. OKAY, HERE YOU GO. IS THIS FREE? YEAH. WHOA... GEORGIA: KALIMERA. KALIMERA, EVERYONE. THAT'S GREEK FOR "GOOD MORNING." HELLO, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. I AM NICO. FOR YOU, WARM LOUKOUMADES, EH? (GASPING AND MURMURING) OH, I'M SO SORRY. (GRUNTS) WRONG BUS. OH, OH... HEY, WAIT. WHAT THE HELL? WHERE'S OUR DOUGHNUTS? WHAT A RIP. I'M GONNA GET` I-I-I COULD GET YOU SOME LATER, MAYBE. I'LL LOOK AROUND. (GRUMBLING) (ENGINE SPUTTERS) I MEAN, WHO NEEDS THE CARBS, RIGHT? NOT ME. MY ANKLES SWELL FROM WHEAT. UH, OKAY, UH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO WRITE THIS DOWN. IN 1834, ATHENS BECAME THE CAPITAL OF MODERN GREECE. NOW, I AM NOT JUST A TOUR GUIDE. I AM A PROFESSOR OF CLASSICAL HISTORY. OH, GREAT, WE GONNA HAVE A TEST NOW? SO I'M GONNA TEACH YOU ALL ABOUT THE ARCHITECTURE AND MONUMENTS OF ANCIENT GREECE, LIKE THE PROPYLAEA. WHICH IS THE WORD FOR "DOUGHNUTS." (LAUGHTER) MY NAME IS GEORGIA. LOUDER, PLEASE. MY NAME IS GEORGIA. YES, DEAR. I'M DORCAS, DORCAS WILMORE, AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND BARNABY. OOH, I GOT EVERYONE A LITTLE SOUVENIR TO REMEMBER OUR TRIP TOGETHER. (ALL MURMURING) OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE! THIS MUST HAVE COST YOU A SH'LOAD. OH, NO, IT WAS NOTHING. HAND THOSE AROUND, WOULD YOU, DEAR? OH! (laughs) DR. TULLEN: GUIDE, THIS BUS IS REALLY STUFFY. MY DAUGHTER CAITLIN NEEDS FRESH AIR. OKAY. NO PROBLEM. (SPEAKING GREEK) (BEEP) (loud WHIRRING) UH-OH. (HISSING) (PEOPLE COUGHING) TURN IT OFF! OH, MY GOD! (SPEAKING GREEK) SMELLS LIKE DEATH! (PEOPLE COUGHING) GEORGIA: SORRY ABOUT THAT. ANGIE? IT'S GEORGIA. IS THE, UH, SASQUATCH GOING TO BE WITH US THE WHOLE TIME? WELL, HE'S THE DRIVER. UH, WHAT'S HIS NAME? UH... RIGHT! EVERYONE, PLEASE SAY HELLO TO PROKAPI. (ALL MISPRONOUNCING NAME) (SPEAKING GREEK) OH, I'M SORRY. HE HAS A NICKNAME HE'D RATHER BE KNOWN BY. POUPI. HUH? DID HE JUST SAY "POOP"? FAIR SUCK OF THE SAV! I CAN'T CALL YOU POUPI. WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME? (SPEAKING GREEK) (SPEAKING GREEK) IT'S KAKAS. (GIGGLES AND LAUGHTER) GATOR: POUPI KAKAS. (BUS SQUEALING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (EXHAUST HISSES) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) OKAY. OOH, IT'S HOT. YEAH. (laughter) COME, COME, COME. I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. OOH. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S GO THIS WAY. COME ON. SO NICE. CANADIANS. I LOVE THEM. WELL, I HAVE AN EXCITING DAY PLANNED. BUT FIRST, LISTEN, WHENEVER WE STOP THE BUS, WHETHER IT BE FOR RESTROOMS OR LUNCH OR FOR TOURING, THE DRIVER OR I WILL LOCK THE BUS, SO YOU CAN LEAVE WHATEVER YOU NEED IN THERE. CAMERAS, SWEATERS, HANDBAGS, ANYTHING. WHAT ABOUT SWEATERS? ANYTHING. HANDBAGS? YES. CAMERAS, TOO? CAMERAS, TOO. ANYTHING, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. ANYTHING. COME ON, BARNABY. COME ON. GEORGIA: WE ARE NOW WALKING THROUGH THE THOLOS. SAY IT WITH ME. ANYONE? OKAY, THE GREEK WORD "AGORA" MEANS A PLACE OF GATHERING, AND IN ANCIENT TIMES, THIS WAS THE HEART OF ATHENIAN LIFE. PLATO AND SOCRATES TAUGHT PHILOSOPHY HERE. IRV: SHE'S STILL TALKING? IF YOU WOULD... IT'S HOT. YES. WHERE CAN WE GET ICE CREAM? IS THERE, LIKE, A MINIMART AROUND HERE? IF YOU'D JUST... I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE ANCIENT SUPERMARKET. IF YOU GO BACK TO... NICO: COME, COME. I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU. LOOK. HEY! COME, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. WHO WANTS TO BE ZEUS AND ATHENA? PLEASE, PLEASE, COME. PHOTO OPPORTUNITY. THERE YOU ARE. COME ON. HE'S GREAT! HEY, CAN WE DO THAT? I WISH I WAS OVER THERE. OH, THAT'S CHEESY. THAT'S THE GOOD GROUP. THERE'S A GOD WITH A CAMERA. IS VERY CLEVER GOD. HE INVENTED THE CAMERA. (LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE'RE GOING TO THE TEMPLE OF HEPHAESTUS NOW. THIS WAY. OOH, IT'S AN EXCITING CHAPTER IN HISTORY. COME ON, EVERYONE. BIG AL: I'D RATHER GET MY PICTURE TAKEN OF ZEUS OVER THERE. I KNOW IT'S HOT. (INDISTINCT, OVERLAPPING CHATTER) THE TEMPLE OF HEPHAESTUS. BUILT BETWEEN FOUR... IN THE WORDS OF BIG KEV, LOVE... BOTH: WE'RE EXCITED. GEORGIA. I'M NOT SURE IF THEY ALLOW BEER HERE. OH, OKAY, I'LL FINISH IT OFF. WE'LL LOSE SOME EXCITEMENT. OKAY. TRASH CAN OVER THERE. ...UH, BUILT BETWEEN 460 AND 415 B.C... THIS PLACE LOOKS JUST LIKE OUR WASHINGTON D.C. IHOP. GEORGIA: NO, ACTUALLY, I'M SURE IT DOESN'T. UH, DON'T... HEY, ANGE. HEY, ANGE, ANGE, AL AND HIS CREW CAN HAVE THIS PLACE FIXED UP IN A COUPLE MINUTES. DRYWALL, NEW ROOF. WALK-IN CLOSETS. HEY. BOTH: FLIP THAT HOUSE! (LAUGHTER) AH. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) THAT'S` THAT'S A JOKE. I'M SURE THAT'S A JOKE, BECAUSE MAKING IT NEW WOULD NOT MAKE IT MORE BEAUTIFUL. THE POINT IS... IT'S ANCIENT. IT'S ANCIENT. (yawns) I MEAN, LOOK AT IT. ISN'T IT MAGNIFICENT? NICO: COME THIS WAY, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. NICO PUTS THE "GLOSS" INTO "PANGLOSS," YES? (laughter) NOW, COME AROUND, PLEASE COME AROUND. THANK YOU. SO, UH... COME AROUND, PLEASE. UH, THAT'S, UH, THE TEMPLE THERE. IT'S VERY NICE, YES? YES. ENOUGH CULTURE. NOW SOUVENIRS, YES? (cheering) WHO WANT THAT TEMPLE MADE OF SOAP, HUH? TEMPLE ON A ROPE, YEAH? OH! WE DO. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. NO, NO, THAT'S NOT... THAT'S NOT AUTHENTIC. YOU DON'T WANT THAT. WE LIKE THOSE. HEY, GROUP B, YOU WANT TO COME SHOPPING WITH NICO? NICO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NO. GROUP B, YOU'RE WITH ME. I HAVE AN HOUR OF SHOPPING SCHEDULED ON DAY FOUR. BIG AL: WE WANT TWO SOAPS. WE HAVE EVERYTHING, MY FRIEND. JUST COME THIS WAY. FOLLOW THE PRETTY LADY... HEY, BEAUTIFUL LADY... MEET BACK AT THE BUS IN 40 MINUTES. OH. (sighs) GEORGIA: STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF CULTURE AND HISTORY, AND THEY WANT A 50/50 POLY-COTTON BLEND T-SHIRT WITH A PICTURE OF A TROJAN HORSE AND... (SIGHS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER, GRILL HISSING) WHY AM I SPENDING MY LIFE SHOWING TOURISTS GORGEOUS ANCIENT RUINS THEY CARE NOTHING ABOUT? AND PANGLOSS TOURS PAYS LOUSY. THEY BOOK THE WORST HOTEL ROOMS. I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS HERE. I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW ANYBODY, REALLY. I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN FOREVER. FOREVER IS A LONG TIME. YEAH. YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? YES. I DO, TOO, HMM? OH? 42 EUROS. THAT'S GREAT. ANYBODY ELSE? EXCELLENT. EXCUSE ME. NICE TO MEET YOU. EXCUSE ME. HI. (MAN SHOUTING IN GREEK) YOU MUST THINK I'M CRAZY. YES. OH, FAIR ENOUGH. WHY WOULD YOU NOT TELL ME? I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED TO TALK. I HAVE THREE SISTERS. SO, TALK. DO YOU EVER QUESTION WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? NO. (LAUGHS) WHAT? TALK MORE ABOUT THE NO SEX. YEAH, I'M GOOD. THANKS. YOU DON'T QUESTION? COME ON. GREECE IS THE LAND OF PHILOSOPHERS. YES, BUT THAT IS THEIR JOB. MY JOB IS TO DRIVE THE BUS. YOU KNOW, IT PAYS BETTER. COME ON. YOU DON'T HAVE A LIFE PLAN? HOW DO YOU PLAN LIFE? WHAT?! COME ON. WE'LL GET SOME COFFEE, AND YOU CAN TALK. WHAT? WE... WE'RE WORKING. EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE THE TIME FOR A COFFEE. THAT IS THE TYPICAL GREEK MENTALITY. WOMAN... WHERE'S YOUR KEFI? I HAVE KEFI. I HAVE LOTS OF KEFI. NO, NO, YOU DON'T. YES, I DO! NO! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SO UPTIGHT AND SKINNY. SKINNY? LOOK, WE'RE LATE, SO NO COFFEE. HEY! EVERYBODY IN NICO'S GROUP HAS NICE VACATION. YOU WANT TO HAVE RELATION WITH ME? WHAT'S THAT POSTCARD THERE? UH, WHICH ONE? WHICH SIDE YOU WANT, THE ONE UP ABOVE? OH, THAT'S NICE, SWEETIE. GROUP B? THAT'S IT, BABY. BEAUTIFUL. GEORGIA: GROUP B? GATHER UP, GROUP B. WELL, WE'RE A LITTLE BEHIND SCHEDULE ` A LOT ` SO I PICKED UP SOMETHING THAT WE CAN EAT ON THE BUS, AND IT IS A SPECIAL TREAT. WHAT IS THAT? IT'S SOUVLAKI. IT'S MEAT ON A STICK. WHAT KIND OF MEAT IS THAT? LOOKS LIKE POODLE. (ALL GROANING) THAT'S NOT RIGHT. IT'S NOT POODLE. HEY, HEY, COME TO THE HARD ROCK CAFE, HUH? IT'S VERY GREAT. DUDE, HARD ROCK! CHICKEN FINGERS AND FRENCH FRIES. BIG AL: YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING. NO, NO. (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) I HAVE SOUVLAKI. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO...? THAT'S... YEAH. YOU COULD GET A GREEK SALAD. HARD ROCK? DOESN'T SOUND VERY GREEK TO ME. HANG ON. (SIGHS) OH, HEY. IT'S CAITLIN, RIGHT? ARE YOU HAVING FUN? NO. WELL, WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? NOTHING. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO THE BEACH? UH, IT'S NOT ON MY ITINERARY. OF COURSE NOT. THIS SUCKS. (SIGHS) SORRY ABOUT THAT. MY DAUGHTER'S CHRONICALLY UNHAPPY. IT'S NOT HER FAULT. IT'S A GENETIC THING. HANSDORF SYNDROME. OH, MR. TULLEN, I AM SO SORRY. MM. (BUS SQUEAKING) GEORGIA: OKAY, LET'S LEARN SOME MORE GREEK. KALISPERA. KALISPERA, EVERYONE. OOH. THAT'S GREEK FOR "GOOD EVENING." (SIGHS) CAN YOU SAY IT WITH ME? (ALL MISPRONOUNCING WORD) BIG AL: PAULY-KELLY. WHATEVER. WOW. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT GREEK? DORCAS: WE'RE HAVING CALIMARIS AGAIN. (ENGINE REVVING) UH, UH... HEY, UH, GEORGIA? I'M SORRY. I GOT SUN BLOCK IN MY EYE. DO YOU... DO YOU HAVE ANY DROPS? I DO. (ENGINE CHUGGING) (JACK-HAMMERING) (BRAKES SQUEAKING) (EXHAUST HISSING) NICO: THIS WAY, PLEASE. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS WAY, PLEASE. WHAT IS THIS PLACE? NICO: HEY! HEY! GEORGIA. GEORGIA? YOU'RE STAYING THERE? AREN'T YOU? NICO: NO WAY. GRECOTEL. BEST CHAIN IN GREECE, HUH? (LAUGHS) THIS WAY PLEASE, CANADIANS. GEORGIA: YEAH. EVERYBODY GOT YOUR LUGGAGE? WOW, WHAT A DUMP! ONLY ABOUT THREE AT A TIME ARE GONNA FIT IN THIS ELEVATOR. WHAT FLOOR IS ZERO? SO SORRY. OH, AL, HONEY, WE GOT TO GET TO THE ROOM. I'M OVULATING, LIKE, NOW. OH, COME ON, NOW, KIMMY. COME ON! YOU KNOW I CAN'T PERFORM ON COMMAND LIKE THAT. THAT'S NOT NATURAL. IT'S TIME! (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) GET IN THERE, IT'S DUCK'S GUTS. GO AHEAD WITH THE TINNY, LOVE. AFTER ALL THAT YAKKING, YOU MUST BE BLOODY THIRSTY. OH, UM, ACTUALLY, I'M A LIGHTWEIGHT. ONE DRINK, AND I'M LOOKING FOR A BELLMAN TO MAKE OUT WITH. (CHATTER STOPS) THAT WAS A JOKE. YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. I'VE HEARD. (LOUD, OVERLAPPING CHATTER) I THINK JUST A CONVERTER? YEAH, THAT'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL. OKAY, I CAN GET YOU WATER, AND DO YOU NEED ANYTHING? ...PACKAGE SO... (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) OH, HERE WE GO. OKAY. COME ON, BARNABY. THAT'S FINE. IN YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. CAN YOU MANAGE? (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) (RUMBLING THUD) (ELECTRICAL HISSING) (CLACK) (SIGHS) (TRADITIONAL GREEK MUSIC PLAYING) OPA! (GREEK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) (LAUGHING) OPA! WE HAVE TO TAKE THE STAIRS. WHY? BECAUSE IT'S GREECE. IN THE MOVIE "ZORBA THE GREEK," THE SCENE WHERE ALAN BATES AND ANTHONY QUINN HAVE JUST LOST ALL THEIR LIFESAVINGS, WHAT DO THEY DO? THEY DANCE. GEORGIA: THAT'S THE WAY THIS WHOLE COUNTRY WORKS... OR DOESN'T. IF THE SHOWER DOESN'T WORK... (screams) OH! I'M SORRY. (GASPS) ...THEY DANCE. OR YOU WANT A LITTLE PRIVACY... (women SCREAM) OH! AHH... ...THEY DANCE. I'M VERY SORRY. I'M VERY SORRY. (LAUGHING): NOT THAT SORRY. OR GOD FORBID, THE TOILET BREAKS... (WATER GURGLING) OH, FLAPJACKS. GEORGIA: ...YOU GET THE GREEK PHILOSOPHY. (HEAVY ACCENT): "RELAX. PEE OUTSIDE. MAYBE IT IS YOUR DESTINY TO WRITE A POEM ABOUT THE SKY." AND THEN THEY DANCE. YOU KNOW, GREECE WAS A HAPPENING PLACE 2,500 YEARS AGO. IT WAS THE BIRTHPLACE OF ART AND DEMOCRACY AND PHILOSOPHY. AND THEN THEY DISCOVERED THE NAP. (PANTING) (WHIMPERS) THIS COUNTRY'S DISREGARD FOR RULES AND ORDER IS JUST SLOPPY. WHAT IS WITH THIS HAIR? IS IT A FULL MOON? YOU KNOW... YOU HAVE ALL JUST GOT TO GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND STOP DANCING. (GRUNTS) WHERE'S MY FLEA-BAG OF A ROOM? IT'S FIXED. (WOMAN YELLS IN DISTANCE) YEAH. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (clanging) OW. (SIGHS) (POPPING BURST) (GRUNTS) (SPEED DIALLING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) NOW WHAT? (PHONE RINGING) NAI? GEORGIA: MARIA! NAI? GEORGIA: MARIA! MARIA: GEORGIA, DARLING. I'M UP TO MY EARS IN WORK HERE. GREECE HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ACCOMMODATIONS. (TOILET FLUSHING) LIKE FIRST-CLASS HOTELS WITH, LIKE, YOUR OWN SWIMMING POOL IN YOUR ROOM. HOW DO YOU FIND THESE CRAPPY JOINTS? WELL, LUCKY I FIND SOMEWHERE. YEAH, YOU TRY FINDING A HOTEL ON A BUDGET. MARIA... (DIAL TONE) "DEAR MARIA, "YOU ARE MY ONLY FRIEND IN GREECE. "AND YOU BITE THE BIG ONE. "AFTER THIS TOUR... "...I QUIT. LOVE, GEORGIA." (POWER TOOLS WHIRRING) (MUSIC PLAYS OVER TV) UH... BREAKFAST IS ON NEGATIVE ONE, DOWN ONE FLOOR. OH, COOL. (PEOPLE SPEAKING GREEK ON TV) (SLURPING) WOULD YOU PLEASE MAIL THIS FOR ME? CERTIFIED. I'M ON MY COFFEE BREAK. (SIGHS): OF COURSE. LOOK, I HAVE TO GO. (SLURPING CONTINUES) KALIMERA. (gasps) KALIMERA. 11 EUROS. WHAT? THAT'S LIKE $20. YOU KNOW... (SLURPING) ...THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO PAY. (SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS) DOES THAT EVER WORK? HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE ACTUALLY SLEPT WITH YOU FOR POSTAGE? FOUR. OH. I'LL JUST PAY. MMM. (GREEK POP SONG PLAYING) OH... (SIGHS) (SCOFFS) SO, WE HAVE HERE A BEAUTIFUL CHURCH. IT'S, UH, VERY GREEK. BUT, UH, YOU HAVE ICE CREAMS SO, UH, WE SKIP. YES? OKAY. YES. SOUVENIRS. YES? YEAH! YOU LIKE YOUR VACATION SO FAR? GEORGIA: ...ROCKS CUT IN THE BYZANTINE ERA. THERE ARE REFERENCES TO THIS CHURCH IN A VERY OLD DOCUMENT CALLED "THE PRACTICON OF ATHENS." TAKE A GLANCE AND LOOK AROUND AT SOME OF THE MURALS. THE OLDEST PARTS OF ST. MARINA'S DATE BACK TO THE 11TH TO 12TH CENTURY B.C. AY, JESUS, DAME FUERZAS. ANYBODY ELSE WANT A PAMPHLET? (WHISPERING): ANYBODY WANT A PAMPHLET? (SIGHS) OF COURSE NOT. BIG AL: KIMMY, DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? (SIGHING) THAT'D BE A GREAT PLACE FOR SNACKS IN THE REC ROOM. DO YOU THINK IT'S FOR SALE? EVERYTHING'S GOT ITS PRICE. LET'S GO FIND THAT PREACHER. I THINK THEY CALL HIM A RABBI HERE. WE HAVE TO HAVE PHOTOGRAPHS SO PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE WE WERE HERE. WELL, WHO WON'T BELIEVE WE WERE HERE? WELL, DONALD AND PEGGY, FOR A START` WHAT? WHY DON'T YA WHY DON'T Y'ALL GET IN THERE? OH. OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'RE WELCOME. IRV'S GOING TO TAKE OUR PHOTOGRAPH. IRV: OKAY, HERE WE GO. ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR... FIVE... SIX... SORRY, HOW HIGH ARE YOU GOING? I'M GOING TO KEEP COUNTING UNTIL THE KID CRACKS A SMILE. FORGOT WHERE I LEFT OFF. UH... GOTTA START AGAIN. ONE... TWO... (laughs) OH, JUST TAKE THE PICTURE! THIS IS TAKING TOO... (IRV CHUCKLES) HERE YOU GO, KIDDO. (WHISTLING) (LAUGHING): OH, MY GOD. GEORGIA! HEY, POUPI, IF ANYBODY'S LOOK` WHEN DID YOU SHAVE? NEVER MIND. I'M NOT HERE, OKAY? I'M JUST... GEORGIA! GEORGIA, I CANNOT PUT UP WITH THAT TWIT ANY LONGER. WHY NOT? I HAVE TO. WELL, NOW YOU'RE BEING RUDE. GEORGIA: YES, FINE, I'M RUDE AND BORING AND NOT FUNNY. YES, I KNOW. YOU KEEP THAT TONE WITH ME, I SHALL BE FORCED TO CALL YOUR SUPERIORS. (CHUCKLES) OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU HAVE A GRIEVANCE, USE THESE. THEY'RE EVALUATION FORMS ` TAKE ONE. DON'T THINK I WON'T. GEORGIA: I USUALLY HAND THESE OUT AT THE END OF THE TRIP, BUT THIS'LL GIVE YOU FOUR MORE DAYS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ME. OH! HEY, HAND THEM OUT TO EVERYBODY. WHAT'S GREEK FOR "BIPOLAR"? (LAUGHTER) HEY! ENOUGH. YOUR JOKES AREN'T FUNNY. YOU KNOW... MY WIFE AND I HAVE TAKEN TOURS FOR 20 YEARS. THIS ONE GOTTA BE THE WORST. HERE WE GO AGAIN. YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW, YEAH, I STINK. AND IT'S THE WORST BECAUSE... I WRECKED GREECE. MY WIFE IS NOT HERE. AND IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF I WERE HER, I WOULDN'T BE HERE WITH YOU EITHER. I'M SURE SHE'S SPENDING HER VACATION SOMEWHERE... (SIGHS) I'M SO SORRY. UM, YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK WE SHOULD JUST GO SHOPPING. DORCAS: OH, LOVELY! JUST WHAT WE WANTED, WASN'T IT? OKAY. NICE BIT OF SHOPPING. DR. TULLEN: I CAN FINISH THIS LATER. I KNOW A GOOD PLACE FOR SHOPPING. FINE. (TOURISTS CHATTING EXCITEDLY) OH, LOOK AT THIS STUFF! (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) NO, NO, NO, NO. NO. PEEKABOO. (MAN SPEAKING GREEK) YOU LIKE THE GOLD? OH, I LOVE... OH. SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY ARMS, SO SHE MAKES UP FOR IT BY SHOWING HER BREASTS, HONEY. REALLY? (LAUGHING) GATOR (BRITISH ACCENT): EAT HEARTY, MEN... FOR TONIGHT, WE DINE... ALL: ...IN GREECE! (LAUGHING) AI, AI, AI, AI. (PAN FLUTE PLAYS NEARBY) WHAT WAS HIS NAME? WHO? WHEN IT'S OVER, SOME WOMEN CUT THEIR HAIR. SOME WOMEN RUN AWAY TO GREECE. SO... I DID NOT MOVE TO GREECE BECAUSE OF SOME MAN. WHY, WHO'D YOU SHAVE FOR? GATOR: GEORGIA! GEORGIA, COME HERE, COME HERE... I DON'T THINK I LIKE WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE. (SPEAKING GREEK) GEORGIA, UH, WE NEED YOU. JUST REAL` UM, WE NEED YOU. OKAY. WHAT YOU CALL MY WIFE... (overlapping SHOUTS) WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S GOING ON? LOOK, THIS GUY HERE IS CHARGING EVERYBODY ELSE ONE PRICE FOR THE DINGLE NUT, AND HE'S CHARGING ME AND MY WIFE TWO EXTRA EUROS THAT'S WHAT, FELLA. IT'S JUST CULTURAL INTERACTION. HE, HE OFFERS YOU A PRICE AND THEN HE EXPECTS YOU TO OFFER HIM A PRICE BACK. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST IT'S CALLED BARGAINING. IT'S CALLED RIP-OFF. YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. (SPEAKING GREEK) WHAT'D HE JUST CALL ME? NO, NO, NO. HE WANTS ME TO TRANSLATE. AH... MY TOURIST FRIENDS. OH, UH, HE COULD GIVE YOU HANDMADE AUTHENTIC ITEMS MADE BY HIS GRANDMOTHER. YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE. THINGS ARE MADE IN CORINTH. BY FRIENDS. OKAY. I CAN MAKE YOU A GOOD PRICE. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE WANT RIGHT THERE, FELLA. WHAT? KICK BACK AND ENJOY YOUR STAY. (LAUGHS): OKAY? 20 EUROS! 20 EUROS! IS THAT GOOD? 20 EUROS! IS THAT GOOD? OH, YEAH, NO, THAT SOUNDS MORE REASONABLE. THAT'S WHAT WE WANT NOW. OH. OH. OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. YEAH. OKAY. OKAY. THANKS, GEORGIA. WHOA! NO. NO, NO. NO! NO! NOBODY TOUCHES BIG AL'S HOTTIE. THANK YOU. DIRTY GREASEBALL. BYE. (GRUNTS) HOW MUCH ARE THESE? OH, GOOD HEAVENS! THEY'RE FAR TOO EXPENSIVE. CAN'T POSSIBLY AFFORD THAT. MMM. (GIGGLES) OH, YEAH. WE'RE GETTING CHECKED OUT, DUDE. REALLY? YEAH. THE SPANISH DIVORCEES. OH! IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY START COMING AROUND. HELLO. YEAH. DUDE. WHAT? LOOK BEHIND YOU. THEY'RE CHECKING OUT THE COMMUNITY SHOWER THING. IT'S LIKE FOURTH OF JULY AT ELTON JOHN'S HOUSE. OKAY, SO THEY WANT A SHOW. LET'S SHOW THE SPANIARDS A LITTLE, UH, AMERICAN SHOWMANSHIP. GATOR: GIVE ME SOME WATER. YEAH. (SPLUTTERING) (BOTH GRUNTING) (CHUCKLING) (MURMURING) IT DOESN'T COUNT IF YOU'RE ON VACATION, RIGHT? OH, GET INTO IT, LOVE. WHAT IS IT WITH TOURISTS AND ICE CREAM? THEY HAD SOME THIS MORNING. THEN AGAIN, AFTER LUNCH. AND NOW AGAIN WITH THE FOUR DOLLAR CONES. I DON'T GET IT. YOU, TOO? NO, THANK YOU. THIS IS FOR YOU TO GIVE TO HIM. OKAY, FINE. I SORT OF GOT YOU THIS. THANKS, BUT NO, THANKS. OH, THAT IS TASTY. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN BACKGROUND) I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS MORNING. YOU KNOW, I WAS A MUCH NICER GUY WHEN MY WIFE WAS ALIVE. SHE DIED THREE YEARS AGO. SHE USED TO SAY TO ME, "THEY DON'T KNOW YOU'RE KIDDING, IRV." (CHUCKLES) SHE WOULD SAY, "YOU'RE NOT AS FUNNY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE," JUST LIKE YOU. IT'S NICE YOU HAD A GOOD MARRIAGE. WE FOUGHT EVERY DAY. I TOOK HER TO EGYPT. WE FOUGHT ALL DAY ABOUT WHETHER THE PYRAMIDS WERE MAJESTIC OR MAGNIFICENT. (CHUCKLING) IT WAS MAGIC. 28 YEARS. I WOKE UP EVERY DAY... SMILING. I COULD LIVE WITH THAT. YOU GOT THE POTENTIAL. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LET IT HAPPEN, YOU KNOW, RELAX, OPEN UP. I'M OPEN. YOU'RE OPEN? LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE AS TIGHT AS MY AUNT GLADYS' ASS. HEY. OPEN UP. (INHALES) OPEN. (EXHALES) BE ALERT. REALLY. (SIGHS) LIKE THIS... LIKE THIS? OKAY... I'M OPEN. YAY. OH, NO, NO! (chuckling) COME ON, IRV. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. UH... UH... NO. (CHUCKLING) GEORGIA: OKAY, THAT'S A KEEPER. OKAY, SO HERE'S WHAT WE DO. YOU GET SOME KEROSENE. YOU POUR IT ON THE STAIN. YEAH? YOU KEEP IT THERE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. MM-HMM? YOU KEEP IT THERE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. MM-HMM? AND THEN... YOU LIGHT THAT SUCKER ON FIRE AND BUY SOMETHING NICE. ALL RIGHT. I HAVE TO GATHER THE GROUP. WE GOOD? WE'RE BETTER. (WHISPERS): OKAY. GROUP B. GROUP B, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, I HOPE EVERYONE ENJOYED THEIR ICE CREAM. I ATE SOME, I'M WEARING SOME. LET'S GET ON THE BUS AND SWEAT IT OFF. HAS ANYBODY SEEN DORCAS? ANYBODY? ALL RIGHT, WE'LL WAIT FOR HER. NO PROBLEM. (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) I'D LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR MY UNPROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE THIS MORNING. HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS? ACTUALLY, IT'S BEEN ABOUT A YEAR. YES, IRV. ME, TOO. I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE TO EVERYBODY. IT WAS MY MEDICATION. I TAKE PREPARATION H, 'CAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE. (LAUGHTER) DORCAS: YOO-HOO! WAIT FOR ME! THANK YOU, GEORGIE. I'M THE LAST ONE. OKAY, POUPI, LET'S GO. OOH, I'M SPENT. I GOT THESE FOR YOU GIRLS. OH, IT'S TOO MUCH. NO. THEY COST NOTHING. (SHOUTING IN GREEK) DRIVE, POUPI, DRIVE! (MAN SHOUTING IN GREEK) (SHOUTING IN GREEK) HEY, WHO'S SEEN THE OLYMPICS ON TV? KIMMY: WRESTLE MANIA. BIG AL: WITH THE CAGE MATCHES. GEORGIA: WELL, WE'RE GOING TO OLYMPIA, THE SITE OF THE VERY FIRST OLYMPICS. THE ANCIENT GAMES BEGAN IN 776 BC. NOW, ALL THROUGH THE ERA OF THE PELASGIANS... GATOR: HEY, FLAPJACK, YOU WANT TO RACE ME MICHAEL JOHNSON STYLE? ...THE ELEIA, THE OLYMPIC GAMES THAT'S LAME, DUDE. TOOK PLACE EVERY FIVE YEARS. I GOTCHA! OH, HERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING. UNTIL THEY WERE ABOLISHED IN 393, UNTIL 426 AD... (LAUGHTER, JOVIAL MURMURING) AND THEN, IN 1896... WELL, THAT'S ABOUT THE YEAR I STARTED TO STINK. (SIGHS) I KNOW EVERY FACT AND EVERY FIGURE ABOUT THIS PLACE. I MEAN, I LOVE IT HERE. AND THEY JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. AND I GET IT, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THIS JOB FUN. WELL, IF YOU CALL IT A JOB, IT AIN'T FUN. I MEAN, LOOK AT PORN STARS. THEY GET TO SHTUP ALL DAY. THEY SHOULD BE HAPPY. YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT A HAPPY PORN STAR. I HAD THE BEST JOB IN THE WHOLE WORLD. (LAUGHING) YOU WERE A PORN STAR? (MOCKING LAUGHTER) NO, REALLY WERE YOU? I WAS AN ICE CREAM TASTER. GET OUT. 35 YEARS. HUH. I WISH I HAD THAT JOB. THAT'S WHAT MY FRIENDS USED TO SAY. BUT THEN... ELEANOR GOT SICK AND... I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND... SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO COME TO GREECE. (SIGHS) HEY. YESTERDAY, I QUIT. THIS IS MY LAST TOUR. WELL... IT'S MY LAST TOUR, TOO. (LAUGHING) GEORGIE. HOW DID THESE COLUMNS FALL OVER? GEORGIA: WELL, THERE WERE TWO EARTHQUAKES IN THE FIFTH TO SIXTH CEN... (CLEARING THROAT) UH... THE COLUMNS FELL OVER FROM THE INCREDIBLE PULL OF ULYSSES' LOVE. OH. ISN'T THAT SWEET? OH! (CHUCKLES) BETTER. BETTER? LOOKS LIKE A SHORT STACK FELL OVER. (CHUCKLING) COME ON, BARNABY. IT'S A... A PANCAKE REFERENCE, YEAH. (GREEK FOLK-POP SONG PLAYS) GEORGIA: HEY, UH, DOES EVERYBODY KNOW ABOUT THE OLYMPIC TORCH? THIS WAY COME ON, THIS WAY. OKAY, THAT FLAME THAT YOU SAW BEING PASSED AROUND THE WORLD IS FIRST LIT BY A REFLECTION FROM THE SUN. ALL RIGHT, NOW, THIS... IS THE PALAESTRA. THIS IS WHERE THE ATHLETES WOULD WRESTLE. I'M NOT GIVING ANY MEDICAL ATTENTION IF YOU HURT YOURSELVES. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT. (CHEERING) YOU GOT HIM, AL. (cheering) ALL RIGHT, GET HIM! WHAT? DO YOU NEED ANYTHING? UM, MEDICINE OR ANYTHING AT ALL? DOING OKAY? HEY. YOU REALLY ARE LISTENING TO NOTHING. THE BATTERY DIED. I FORGOT THE CHARGER. (SCOFFS) THIS TRIP SUCKS. (SIGHS) CAITLIN. OH, IT'S OKAY. AND... (WHISPERING): I UNDERSTAND. WHAT IS IT YOU UNDERSTAND? OH, WELL, THE GENETIC THING. WHAT THING? GEORGIA: I'M SORRY. YOUR HUSBAND TOLD ME ABOUT THE THING THAT MAKES YOUR DAUGHTER PRICKLY. HANSDORF SYNDROME. (SIGHS) HANSDORF... IS MY MAIDEN NAME. (CHUCKLES BRIEFLY) THAT'S A COINCIDENCE. STUART. HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME... IT WAS A JOKE, DEAR. ...IN FRONT OF THAT WOMAN. GOOD HEAVENS. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY SOME...? STUART: WHY DON'T YOU JUST LIGHTEN UP? (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (ELEGANT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE LAUGHING) BEAUTIFUL LADIES, DON'T FORGET TO "SHMASS" THE PLATES. YEAH? REALLY? OH, VERY GREEK, VERY GREEK. GEORGIA: EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY. THE NEWSPAPER SAYS IT'S GOING TO RAIN TOMORROW. (ALL GROANING) AND THE GOOD PART IS? IF WE ALL THINK GOOD THOUGHTS, MAYBE WE'LL GET SOME NICE WEATHER. ARE YOU LISTENING, GOD? YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT. I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE. # BLUE SKIES... # LET'S SMASH THE PLATES. LET'S HAVE A GO. READY? ONE, TWO, THREE. OPA! (FRANTIC SHOUTING) NO! NOW YOU COME ON. YOU GO. NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. OH, I'M EVER SO SORRY, BUT THAT NICO SAID IT WAS A GREEK TRADITION. OH, OH, IT'S OKAY. OKAY. (shattering) DON'T...! KIMMY, STOP THROWING THE DISHES AND GET OVER HERE. SUE, BUNG YOUR KHYBER PASS OVER HERE AND HAVE A CRACK AT THE FOOSBALL. (SPEAKING GREEK) TEN EUROS? DON'T WORRY. LEAVE IT TO ME. (SPEAKING GREEK) I SAY, THAT WAS EVER SUCH FUN. WE DID ENJOY IT. YES? YOU ARE WONDERFUL. OH, HELLO. HELLO. HELLO, LOVELY LADY. NICO: THANK YOU. YOU SILLY TWIT. EVERYBODY LIKE NICO, YOU SEE? SEE, EVERYBODY: LITTLE ONES, THE BIG ONES, BIG GIRLS... DORCAS, HERE'S THE DEAL. YOU GOT TO STOP WITH THE STEALING. OH, I'M SORRY. OKAY. (sighs) OKAY... OH. (SIGHS) OKAY. UM, YOU'RE A LOVELY WOMAN. I REALLY DON'T MEAN TO JUDGE IN ANY WAY. IT'S JUST THAT PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START TO NOTICE... THAT'S MY CELL PHONE, AND SOMEHOW, YOU GOT IT OUT OF HERE. I JUST WANT TO ASK... WOW, YOU'RE GOOD. ACTUALLY, IT WAS ONLY TEN. WELL, "WASTE NOT, WANT NOT," IS WHAT I SAY. ALL RIGHT. # NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES # # FROM NOW ON. # (STOPS PLAYING) I WISH I COULD BE HAPPY LIKE YOU. OH, GOD. YOU GOT TO GET MORE SEX. IRV. I'M SORRY, BUT WHAT IS IT WITH YOU? DON'T YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND? I'M ON A TOUR BUS LIKE SIX DAYS A WEEK. WELL, YOU GOT TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR WILD THING. (sighs) (RESUMES PLAYING) I THINK WE CAN GET IN HERE AND JUST TOUCH ON EVERYTHING. GEORGIA: ACTUALLY, THERE'S SOMEONE I'M KIND OF INTERESTED IN. AT THE BAR. MARC: HANDICAPPED PEOPLE LIKE PANCAKES, TOO, JACK. OH, YES. REALLY? GO FOR IT. YOU YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GONNA FIX THAT. (PIANO PLAYING) JUST MAKE SURE IT'S ZONED FOR A PARKING LOT. (GRUNTS) I LIKE DAISIES. I'LL CALL YOU BACK. SO DO I. UH, TWO MORE 'TAX AND TONICS, NICK. EH... SO YOU WORK AT AN IHOP. YEAH. WELL, I MEAN, THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I'M A WAITER. YOU KNOW, I'M A I'M THE NUMBER ONE CORPORATE REPRESENTATIVE FOR IHOP. I SOLD 100 FRANCHISES LAST YEAR. OH. WE'RE EXPANDING OHIO. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR AN INVESTMENT. HOW DO WE, UH` HOW DO WE SAY "CHEERS"? UM, WE SAY, "YAMAS." UH, TO OUR HEALTH. YAMAS. YAMAS. MMM. MMM. AH! SO, UM, WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? FOR FUN. SYRUP. OH. I COLLECT VINTAGE SYRUPS. OH, YEAH. SOME PEOPLE ARE INTO, YOU KNOW, ART, OR, UH, WINES, YOU KNOW. I'M INTO VINTAGE SYRUPS. NOT TOO OLD. WHEN YOU SAY "VINTAGE" YOU THINK "OH, MY GOD, THAT GUY'S DRINKING SYRUPS FROM 1912." NO. THE OLDEST I HAVE IS 1948. SO IT'S POST-WAR, BUT IT'S STILL REALLY SPECIAL. I MEAN, IT'S STILL EDIBLE. YOU CAN YOU CAN POTE IT. IT'S POTENT. POTENT? POTABLE? I NEVER WATCH "JEOPARDY." ANYWAY, SO THE THING THAT I LIKE ABOUT SYRUP, IS IT'S SWEET NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR DAY IS... ...THERE IS A GERMAN WAFFLE, BUT THERE'S ALSO A FRENCH CREPE. AND WE HAD TO HAVE A WHOLE MEETING IN IOWA, BECAUSE THE WAITRESSES WERE CALLING 'EM "CRAPS." AND NO ONE WANTS TO EAT CRAP SO MUCH ANYMORE. SOMETIMES IN MISSISSIPPI. BUT USUALLY YOU FIND THAT PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO HAVE A FOOD THAT'S NOT APPETIZINGLY NAMED, YOU KNOW. THAT'S WHY I LOVE ANYTHING WITH KIND OF AN INTERNATIONAL FLAIR. "SWEDISH CREPES," YOU KNOW. IT JUST AUTOMATICALLY SOUNDS BETTER, IT'S EXOTIC... ...MY FAVOURITE, THOUGH, NATURAL PECANS. COCONUT, WHICH IS SO, SO GOOD, BUT IT'S VERY, VERY FATTENING. AND, UH, NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST FAT PEOPLE. YOU KNOW, FAT PEOPLE ARE OUR BIGGEST DEMOGRAPHIC. I BOUGHT TWO HOUSES IN FLORIDA OFF OF FAT PEOPLE. GOD BLESS 'EM. ...24-HOUR RESTAURANT. YOU, YOU MAKE MONEY 24 HOURS... (YAWNING) GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING. HI. MORNING. MM-HMM. NICO: THIS WAY PLEASE, CANADIANS. GEORGIA, DID I SEE YOU ON A DATE LAST NIGHT? HOW WAS IT? WELL, I NOW KNOW THE HISTORY OF SYRUP. HEY, THAT WAS FUN LAST NIGHT. OH, MAPLE TREES ROCK! YEAH, THEY DO. MM-HMM. PLEASE, TO THE LEFT HERE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HEY, HEY, HEY. UH, I SEE YOU ENJOY GREECE, EH? OH, YEAH. YEAH? FOR YOU. OH, THANKS! HEY, LISTEN, I CAN'T BUY FOR EVERYBODY. SO, UH SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH. OH, OH, YEAH. UH, WHAT DOES IT SAY? UH, "I LOVE GREECE." OH! I DO, BRO! OH. (groans) AWESOME! THANK YOU, MAN. PARAKALO. LET ME HELP YOU. PARDON? I'M JUST HELPING YOU. DORCAS: LOUDER, PLEASE. I'M JUST HELPING YOU! OH, NO. I CAN MANAGE, REALLY. OKAY. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. YOUR GROUP... LOSERS, HUH? (IMITATING WALKER SQUEAKING) WHAT? WHAT? (MIMICKING WOMAN MOANING) (GASPS) SO HOT! SO HOT! (IMITATES SMALL-TOWN ACCENTS): HOW MUCH IS THIS? HOW MUCH IS THAT? (IMITATES AUSTRALIAN SLANG) (MIMICKING WALKER SQUEAKING) (LAUGHING): OH. HELLO, EVERYBODY. HEY! DON'T DIS MY GROUP. THEY'RE NICE PEOPLE. OH, IT'S SO COLD IN HERE. (SCOFFS) THAT'S EVERYONE, EXCEPT THE AMERICANS. AL, JUST THINK, THIS COURSE COULD BE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD. OH... WELL, I` I WONDER IF JESUS EVER PLAYED HERE. GEORGIA: BIG AL! KIM! YOU KNOW HOW YOU LIKE TO GET UP IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY AND BORE US? PLEASE GO ON. I HAVE A VERY EXCITING IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU TRY ENTERTAINING EVERYBODY? IRV, HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT? HISTORY HAS GOT A LOT OF DIRTY STORIES. SEX SELLS. GEORGIA: WELL, IT TURNED OUT TO BE A BEAUTIFUL DAY. THANKS FOR THE NICE WEATHER, IRV. (LAUGHTER) GOOD ON YOU, IRVINATOR. I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING LAST NIGHT. YOU GOT SOME POWER, FELLA. DORCAS: IRV, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BLESS BARNABY? MAYBE HE'D MOVE A BIT FASTER. I BLESS YOU IN THE NAME OF SOCRATES, HIPPOCRATES AND FETA CHEESE. (laughing) BIG AL AND KIMMY: HALLELUJAH! (BIG AL LAUGHING) GEORGIA: WELL, THIS IS APPROPRIATE, BECAUSE WE'RE HEADED TO DELPHI, WHICH IS THE MOST MYSTICAL SPOT IN ALL OF GREECE. UM... IN ANCIENT TIMES THE ORACLE OF DELPHI WOULD ANSWER QUESTIONS FOR KINGS AND COMMONERS, LIKE, "WHO SHOULD I VOTE FOR?" (SNORING) OR... OTHER STUFF. UM... LIKE, UH, UM, OH! "SHALL I TAKE A LOVER?" HEY, LOOK OUT! MARC (LAUGHS): HELLO. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! UH, NOW THE ORACLE WAS A VIRGIN. HERE WE GO. AND SHE WAS DRESSED IN FLOWING GOWNS OF SHEER SILK. SOME SAY SHE WORE NOTHING AT ALL. (ALL LAUGH) (RAUCOUS SHOUTS) GEORGIA: AND THEN SHE WOULD INHALE THE SACRED VAPOURS. DORCAS: LOUDER, PLEASE. AND SHE WOULD GO INTO RAPTURES. OOH, LOUDER. SHE WOULD SAY, "OH, ZEUS, TAKE MY BODY! "OH, ZEUS! "FILL ME WITH YOUR WISDOM. "OH, ZEUS, MY BODY IS YOUR VESSEL." (PASSENGERS CHEERING) (TYRES SQUEALING) "OH, TAKE ME! (PASSENGERS CHEERING) "TAKE ME! "TAKE ME!" (GASPS) POUPI! (HORN HONKING) (TYRES SCREECHING) (PASSENGERS SCREAMING) BIG AL: WHOA! OH, CAITLIN, YOU ALL RIGHT? I DROPPED MY PHONE. EVERYBODY ALL RIGHT? ALIVE? YEAH, ALIVE. ALIVE, PLEASE?! ALIVE? EVERYBODY? (ENGINE HISSING) GEORGIA: OKAY, OKAY. EVERYBODY, LET'S GET OFF THE BUS. OKAY, EVERYBODY? OKAY, IT'S GOING TO BE ABOUT 20 MORE MINUTES. IRV, OLGA, SVETLANA, YOU OKAY? IS EVERYBODY OKAY? EVERYBODY'S FINE. EVERYBODY'S FINE. WE'RE GOOD. AND WE GOT A GOOD STORY OUT OF IT. YOU KNOW, THIS WHOLE THING HAPPENED 'CAUSE HE WAS STARING AT YOU, ANGIE. WHO? POUPI. BIG AL: UP THERE. CREEPY DRIVER CHECKING OUT THE GOATS. ANGIE, EVERYONE ON THE BUS HAS A DIFFERENT WORD FOR IT. I CALL IT MYSTERIOUS. PERSONALLY, I THINK HE SHAVED HIS NECK JUST FOR YOU. WHAT? HE'S A NICE GUY. GO TALK TO HIM. YEAH. HE'S QUIET, BUT HE'S NICE. GEORGIA: OH, FINE, YEAH, SOMETIMES HE'S NICE, BUT MOSTLY HE JUST MAKES ME MAD. HOT, NOT MAD. IT'S BEEN SO LONG, YOU FORGOT THE DIFFERENCE. OH, COME ON. GO AHEAD. SMILE. HE FEELS TERRIBLE, GO AHEAD. BIG AL: UH, HE'S THE ONE NOT WEARING THE BELL. WORK IT. KIMMY! WHOO! (GOATS BLEATING) SORRY ABOUT YOUR BUS. YOU DISTRACTED ME. I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU. ALL OF US. I WAS JUST TRYING TO HAVE FUN. OH, WELL. THAT'S GOOD, I GUESS. THE FIRST DAY... YOU ASKED ME IF, UH, I WONDER WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE, RIGHT? YEAH. MAYBE I CAN EXPLAIN. UH, WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT GUY? HE GOES IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND WAVE HIS DICK AROUND. WE CALLED HIM UNCLE PHIL. WHAT? NO. NO. HE'S IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE WHO PLAY THE MUSIC. OH, "STICK"! OH, THAT'S A CONDUCTOR. RIGHT. RIGHT, CONDUCTOR. HE COMES OUT, UH... HE WAVES HIS DICK. YEAH, STICK. AND PEOPLE GET TO HEAR THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUNDS IN THE WORLD. HE HEARS THE MUSIC UP CLOSE. HE FEELS IT IN HIS BONES. AND THAT'S WHAT MY JOB IS LIKE. I SIT THERE, I TURN THE WHEEL THIS WAY, TURN THAT WAY, AND BEFORE ME COMES THIS GREAT VISION. ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL. THE SCENERY... ...IS, UH... IS FROZEN. FROZEN MUSIC. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE? YOU GOT THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE. YES. (GENTLE LAUGH) THANK YOU. I LIKE YOUR PASSION FOR OUR HISTORY. BUT YOU ARE TOO BUSY LOOKING UP. LOOK HERE. UM... I KNOW, I'M TOUCHING YOUR CHEST. OH, GOOD. WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE PANCAKE MAN LAST NIGHT? NOTHING. GOOD. (PEOPLE CHEERING) (ENGINE PUTTERING) GEORGIA: YOU CAN DO IT, COME ON! (INHALING) TAKE DEEP BREATHS. IT'S THE HEALING POWERS OF DELPHI. AH, BETTER THAN MY WORKOUT AT CURVE. (GEORGIA LAUGHS) TRIP OR TREAT? IT'S QUITE GOOD, ACTUALLY. COME ON. GEORGIA, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BUT COME ON, SO IS AN ESCALATOR. THIS IS A VERY SPIRITUAL PLACE. YOU CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE ENERGY COMING FROM THE GROUND. DO YOU FEEL IT? THIS IS THE TEMPLE OF APOLLO. AND THE SANCTUARY OF THE ORACLE. COME ON, BARNABY. NOW, THE PYTHIA, OR THE ORACLE, WAS HIDDEN FROM EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR THE HIGH PRIESTS. AND SHE WOULD CROUCH BEHIND IT. SHE WAS HIDDEN, AND SHE WOULD ANSWER QUESTIONS. LIKE... UM, SHE WOULD GO, (ECHOING): "THE ORACLE IS IN. ANY QUESTIONS?" WASN'T SHE A VIRGIN? OOH! BIG AL: HOW'S THAT? OH, THEN MAYBE YOU BETTER DO IT. YEAH, GO ON, IRV. YOU GO IN THERE. OH. MARC: YEAH, YOU CAN'T SPELL "VIRGIN" WITHOUT "IRV." (QUAVERING VOICE): ALL RIGHT. THE ORACLE IS OPEN. ANYBODY GOT A QUESTION? YES... ARE MY LEGS GOOD ENOUGH FOR A MINISKIRT? OOH! HUBBA HUBBA. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT, WAIT. I'VE GOT... I'VE GOT A SERIOUS QUESTION. UM, AM I EVER GONNA GET CELL RECEPTION UP HERE? TURN THE DAMN PHONE OFF. THIS IS A VACATION. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. COME ON, GUYS. (GASPS): OH, SHE'S GOT ONE. WHY DID MY HUSBAND CHEAT ON ME? IT WASN'T YOU HE CHEATED. SOME MEN CHEAT THEMSELVES OUT OF LIVING THEIR LIFE WITH A WOMAN THEY LOVE. THANK YOU. OKAY. UM, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO START A FAMILY, BUT... WELL, UH, BIG AL'S JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. UH... I'M... I'M SCARED. BEING A PARENT IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD, AND I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BE A GREAT DAD. SEE? WELL, THANKS, IRV. IR... IRVACLE. WHAT IS IT? OR... ORVACLE. IRVICLE. DR. TULLEN: WELL, GO ON, CAITLIN. ASK A QUESTION. GO ON. (LAUGHING) GO ON. WILL MY DAUGHTER EVER STOP SULKING? WILL MY PARENTS EVER STOP FIGHTING? (CAITLIN GRUNTS) PARENTS SOMETIMES FORGET THAT THEY'RE AN EXAMPLE. THANK YOU. LOOK, BASICALLY, I GOT TO TAKE A JOHNNY RIDDLE... WHERE'S THE GENTS? YEAH. ORACLE CLOSED. YAY! GOOD JOB. (groaning) (QUIETLY) YEAH. GEORGIA: YAY. I GOT A BAR. I GOT A BAR! I LOST IT. YOU MAKE A LOVELY ORACLE, YOU DO. NOW, IF ONLY I COULD GET MY HEARING AID TO WORK, I COULD HEAR WHAT YOU WERE SAYING. HI... ORACLE. I CAN'T START SOMETHING WHEN I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE THIS COUNTRY, RIGHT? I MEAN THAT'S... WHAT YOU DOING? I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. WHAT? MY DIGNITY. (LAUGHS) GEORGIA? WHAT? YOU'RE LOOKING FOR OBSTACLES, RATHER THAN LOOKING FOR MAGIC. (LAUGHTER AND OVERLAPPING CHATTER) ...BUT I MEAN, THIS PLACE IS GREAT. I FELT A VIBE. GEORGIA: OH, I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT. OH, BARNABY, DO COME ON. OH, MY GOD. OH! OH, BARNABY! WHAT?! DORCAS: OH, BARNABY. GEORGIA: WHAT?! WHAT? HE HASN'T GOT HIS WALKER! (GASPS) BARRY: BLIMEY. BLOODY HORROR, THAT! IT'S THE HEALING POWERS OF DELPHI. NO, IT WAS IRV! YOU HEARD HIM BLESS BARNABY ON THE BUS. HE-HE'S A MIRACLE WORKER. KIMMY: MAYBE HE'S A GOD OF DELPHI. I'M NOT A GOD. THAT'S JUST A RUMOUR MY MOTHER STARTED. (LAUGHTER) OKAY. (cheering) GATOR: TO THE BUS. MARC: TO THE BUS! BARRY: IRVINATOR! (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) VERY BIG TOE ` SEXY. VERY NICE. OH! LET'S GO AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THIS KIND OF ALCOHOL BEFORE. (GREEK ROCK SONG PLAYING) OH! YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. OH, THANK YOU. IS IT NEW? NO, I HAD IT. OH. DO I HAVE A TAG SOMEWHERE? NO. OKAY. UH, POUPI? YOU, UH... YOU EVER KILL A MAN? HE NODDED. HE DIDN'T. I SAW HIM NOD. THAT'S... UH, LOOK, A NOD IS THAT, SO... $700. HE DIDN'T... NO, BET'S OFF. THERE WAS... I SAW HIM NOD. STUART: NO NODDING. YES. YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY? NO. REALLY? ME, NEITHER. IRV, DON'T YOU THINK EVERYONE IN THE GROUP SEEMS HEALTHIER AND... ALIVE? YES, I DO. IT'S DELPHI. OR MAYBE YOU'RE GOD. GEORGIA? YEAH. I HAVEN'T MADE A NUMBER TWO SINCE CHICAGO. IF I WAS GOD, I WOULD FIX THAT FIRST. OKAY, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE GOD, BUT MAYBE YOU'RE A GREEK GOD, LIKE ZEUS OR APOLLO. THAT'S TRUE. YEAH. NO, NO. NO, I'M ZEUS. I KNEW IT. I'M ZEUS. I'M CASTING A SPELL ON YOU AND POUPI. AW, IRV, YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T. OH, THAT'S IT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'M GOING TO BED, BUT THE GUY THAT YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR WENT THAT WAY. (MEN CHEERING) OKAY. GEORGIA? WHAT? I THINK YOU HAVE A BIGGER PROBLEM. YAY, GREECE! (LAUGHTER) OH. AH. GATOR: AND I'M NOT DONE BEATING YOU. GATOR: I SMOKED YOU ON THAT ONE. YOU WANT A DRINK? OH. (LAUGHTER) HEY, GATOR. HEY, GEORGIA. (MUTTERS) GEORGIA, I'VE BEEN KICKING THESE GUYS' ASSES. ASSES! ASSES. HEY, WHERE'D YOU GET THIS SHIRT? OH, YOU LIKE IT? YEAH. THAT GUY NICO GAVE IT TO ME. YEAH. HE'S SO COOL. MM-HMM, IT'S GOT GREEK WRITING ON IT. YEAH, BECAUSE I LOVE GREECE! YEAH. IT SAYS... (WHISPERING) MMM. MMM. EXCUSE ME. WHEAT TOAST TASTES FUNNY TO YOU, EH? YEAH. (GATOR GRUNTING) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) (ONLOOKERS SHOUTING) (PLAYING FOLK MELODY ON GUITAR) (STOPS PLAYING) (SIGHS) HELLO. HELLO. YOU WANT TO SIT? YES. RIGHT THERE. OH, THANK YOU. OH. I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I REALLY LIKED WHAT YOU SAID TODAY ABOUT DRIVING THE BUS. YOU KNOW, IT WAS POETRY. (LAUGHS) NO, IT WASN'T. YES. WHERE DID YOU LEARN ENGLISH? UH, I RODE MY MOTORCYCLE ACROSS ENGLAND. (LAUGHS) OF COURSE. YEAH. UH, WAIT. WHAT SHOULD WE DRINK TO? IT'S MY BIRTHDAY IN SIX MONTHS. OH. YOU WILL BE 25. YES, I WILL. (CLINKING) (DISTANT BOAT HORN BLOWING) SO, UH... OH. (LAUGHS) UH... THANK YOU. I SHOULD EAT MORE FRUIT. IT'S... HEALTHY. MM. MM-HMM. OH, IT'S REALLY GOOD. (LAUGHS) SO, I JUST WANTED... (LAUGHS) ...TO TELL YOU... YOU'RE SUCH A NICE GUY. AND I'M... OKAY, LOOK. THIS CAN'T HAPPEN. BUT IT MUST. YOU SAID YOU HAVEN'T MADE LOVE IN FOREVER. (LAUGHS) YEAH, WHEN I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE DECIDED, I'M LEAVING GREECE, BECAUSE THIS WHOLE MOVING HERE WAS AN EXPERIMENT TO BE BRAVE AND SPONTANEOUS, AND, UM... OH. OKAY. UM... OH. OH! OH. UM, YOU KNOW, THIS WHOLE IMPULSIVE AND CRAZY AND, YOU KNOW, JUMP-INTO-A-THING THING... GEORGIA? YEAH? YOUR BUTT IS TOO SMALL. OH, THAT DID IT! IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU MADE LOVE TO A TOUR GUIDE? NO. THIS WAS THE THIRD TIME. WHAT? YES. THE FIRST TIME WAS TWO HOURS AGO BY THE BOAT. (LAUGHS) SECOND TIME, ELEVATOR. AND THE NIGHT IS YOUNG. MM, YEAH. MMM, MMM. (THUDDING) WHAT WAS THAT? TULLENS? LET'S GO FIND OUT. WAIT. (laughs) COME ON, COME ON, COME ON. WAIT. LOOK AT ME. (THUDDING AND CLATTERING) (DOOR OPENING) (SIGHS) HI. HI. (BELT BUCKLE JANGLES) HI. HI. (SIGHS) HI... HI. HI. HI. HI. HI! HI! HI. OH, WHAT TIME IS IT? OOH, YEAH. I HAVE TO... I HAVE TO DRIVE. ...IN THE BATHROOM. YEAH. IRV, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. LITTLE BLUE PILL. PFIZER MAKE IT, MEDICARE PAY FOR IT. DORCAS: OOH. I'M SPENT. OH, HELLO. HOT IN YOUR ROOMS, TOO, IS IT? OH... (SIGHS) GEORGIA: YEAH, IT'S HOT. IT'S, UH... DORCAS? YES? IRV, DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY? WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? A LITTLE SWAP. I THINK I'M GONNA NEED ANOTHER BLUE PILL. NOT THAT KIND OF SWAP! (SIGHS) POOR NICO, DID YOU HURT YOUR LIP? OH, IT'S NOTHING. OH, YOU HURT YOUR HEAD. NO, IT'S NOTHING... OH, POOR NICO. EW. LET ME KISS IT BETTER. NO, IT'S... (LAUGHS) NOW, I'LL BUY US ALL A DRINK. WAITER! (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS) GO! OOH... OH. I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW. SI, YES. HE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. OH. OH. OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. MIRA AQUI. DORCAS: OH, POOR NICO. GROUP A, TOMORROW. (YAWNING) I FEEL SO TIRED. TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT. OH, GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, YOU TWO. MMM... (STIFLED CHEERING) SHH. (CHEERING STOPS) (NONCHALANT WHISTLING) (GEORGIA GIGGLING) NICO: BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING. GEORGIA: GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING. (MUTTERS) HEY! (YELPS) GOT YOU. HELLO, IRV. GESUNDHEIT. GIDDAY...! GOOD MORNING. HEY, RIP SNORT. OKAY... RIGHT BACK AT YOU. HOT TODAY, HUH, NICO? SO? IRV: YO, GATOR. (LAUGHING) GATOR: MORNING, GANG. GEORGIA, UH, HOW ARE YOU THIS MORNING? FINE, THANK YOU. AND HOW ARE YOU? EXCELLENT. (CHUCKLES) 8:00 A.M. AND ALREADY HOT. MORNING, CAITLIN. (SIGHS) POUPI... DO YOU KNOW OF A CLOSE BEACH? OF COURSE. AND DO YOU HAVE ANY 16-YEAR-OLD, HANDSOME NEPHEWS? (CHUCKLES) OF COURSE. OKAY, WILL YOU CALL THEM FOR ME? GOOD. HEY, WAIT. YES? WHY? I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN. IT IS HOT. WOW. IS IT HOT, HUH? (GROANING) SORRY ABOUT THAT. (SIGHS) POUPI, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TRY THE AC? OH, DON'T DO THAT. OH... YOU SURE? WELL... STUART: OH, NO, PLEASE. I DON'T WANT TO GET TOXIC POISONING. MARC: I'D RATHER BE HOT THAN COVERED IN DUST. WELL, IRV, MAYBE YOU COULD WORK YOUR MAGIC. UH... BOOGIE-WOOGIE, BULLY-BULLY, WHIRLPOOL WORKING. (BEEPING) (rumbling) OH. OOH. HEY, IT WORKS. HUH? (cheering) OH, THAT'S LOVELY. THAT'S GREAT, IRVINATOR. (CHEERING) WE GOT A PACKED SCHEDULE TODAY. THE MYCENAEAN TOMBS, A TOUR OF A MONASTERY, THEN A STOP AT THE THESSALONIKI MUSEUM. (SIGHING AND SPLUTTERING) BUT WE'RE NOT DOING ANY OF THAT, BECAUSE CAITLIN WANTS TO GO TO THE BEACH. (CHEERING, CLAPPING) HIT IT, POUPI. (STEREO CLICKS) (GREEK MUSIC PLAYING) AND NOW... WE DANCE. (LAUGHTER) GATOR: GEORGIA'S GOT SOME MOVES! NO, I'M NOT DANCING. GET UP, COME ON. COME ON, UP YOU GO. NO, NO, I'M NOT. WHOO! COME ON. EVERYBODY UP! PUT YOUR ARMS LIKE THIS. YES! PLEASE! (ENGINE REVVING) (SHOUTING EXCITEDLY) MWAH! (MOCKING LAUGHTER) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (EXCITED CONVERSATION) AND... GO! # I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE # # THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE # # NOTHING'S GONNA PULL ME DOWN # WE CAN DO IT! # 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THAT I BELIEVE # # I'VE GOT MONEY IN MY POCKET # # I'VE GOT LOVING IN THE AIR # (groans) # THERE IS NOTHING THAT WILL STOP ME # OH, NO! # AND I REALLY JUST DON'T CARE # WHOO-HOO! YEAH, NICE ONE! COME ON. ELIZABETH, DEAR, DO PLEASE COME OUT OF THERE. I WON'T. I DON'T WANT TO GET SUNBURN. (CLEARS THROAT) IF YOU DON'T COME OUT, I'M GOING TO TELL EVERYONE HOW OLD YOU ARE. # ...MY ONE TRUE DESIRE # # YOU KNOW YOU SET MY WORLD ON FIRE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE FROM THE VERY START # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE, NOT A BROKEN HEART # WELL, THAT WAS CERTAINLY WORTH THE WAIT. # YOU KNOW YOU SET MY WORLD ON FIRE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE FROM THE VERY START # HERE. MY NEPHEW. # FEEL LIKE JUMPING IN THE RIVER # # OR DANCING IN THE RAIN # # THE DIFFERENT PLACES, SMILING FACES # # ALWAYS MAKE MY DAY # # AND ALL THE HAPPY PEOPLE # # JUST FOLLOWING YOUR DREAM # # 'CAUSE EVERYTHING YOU WANT IS NOT A FLY-BY FANTASY # # THE SUN'S GONNA SHINE, SHINE # WHAT'S YOUR NAME? CAITLIN. WHAT'S YOURS? I'M DOUDI, DOUDI KAKAS. OH. OF COURSE. # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE FROM THE VERY START # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE, NOT A BROKEN HEART # # GOT TO BE LOVE... # COME ON, GET IN THERE ` TSUNAMI TIME. # YOU KNOW YOU SET MY WORLD ON FIRE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE FROM THE VERY START # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE, NOT A BROKEN HEART # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE, MY ONE TRUE DESIRE # # YOU KNOW YOU SET MY WORLD ON FIRE # (ALL SIGHING) (SCREAMING) # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE # (giggling) # SHINE, SHINE # # YOU KNOW YOU SET MY WORLD ON FIRE # # IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE # # SHINE, SHINE # # YOU KNOW YOU SET MY WORLD ON FIRE. # (LAUGHING AND MURMURING) (GEORGIA SINGING IN GREEK TO ACOUSTIC GUITAR ACCOMPANIMENT) POUPI: A WOMAN SENDS THREE KISSES ON THE WIND. (GEORGIA CONTINUES SINGING IN GREEK) POUPI: HOPING THEY WILL BRING LOVE TO HER. (GEORGIA CONTINUES SINGING) POUPI: SHE'S WAITING FOR A LONG TIME. (SINGING, GUITAR FADE) YOU WAITED TOO LONG. WELL, I HAD TO GIVE YOU A FEW YEARS TO SOW SOME WILD OATS. YOU'RE WELCOME. (BOTH LAUGHING) I'VE MISSED YOU. NOT AS MUCH AS I'VE MISSED YOU. (SONG FADES BACK IN) ...OF A WOMAN IN LOVE. (SINGING IN GREEK) (PLAYS FINAL NOTES OF SONG) AW. (CLAPPING) BARRY: THAT'S LOVELY. (LAUGHS) CLASSIC. ALL RIGHT, WHO WANTS THE LAST PANCAKE? DELICIOUS. HOOK ME UP, HOOK ME UP NOW. ALL RIGHT. DORCAS: OH, LOVELY. FEEL LIKE I'VE HAD A MONTH OF SUNDAYS. DEFO! I'M GONNA RING UP THE FIREWOOD TO GET A BIGGER FIRE. HEY, I GOT SOMETHING BETTER FOR THAT FIRE. WHOA. ALL: WHOA! (CHEERING, CLAPPING) MAN! YAY! (LAUGHING) MARC: I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID IT. THAT REALLY BURNS. IT'S A BLAZER. (ALL GROANING) BOO. OH, KEEP YOUR DAY JOB. YOU STINK! (LAUGHING) ALL RIGHT... LOOK. OH, NO. OH, YES. NOT THE CELL PHONE! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. YES, YES, BURN IT! (CHEERING) I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT. OH, I FEEL LIGHTER. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT... IRV. IRV! DR. TULLEN: WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED? IRV? IRV. WHAT'S WRONG? CALL AN AMBULANCE. I'LL DO IT. NOW, YOU STAY WITH US. NOW, YOU LISTEN TO MY VOICE, ALL RIGHT? IRV... IRV. GEORGIA: SO, WE'VE BEEN TOLD THE HOSPITAL IS KEEPING HIM FOR OBSERVATION. THEY'RE GOING TO RUN SOME TESTS AND... WHEN'S HE GET OUT? WELL, THEY'RE NOT SURE, GATOR. THEY REALLY AREN'T. THE DOCTORS ACTUALLY WON'T KNOW ANYTHING UNTIL HE WAKES UP, BUT LOOK, THEY DON'T KNOW IRV LIKE WE DO, RIGHT? ALL: RIGHT. GEORGIA: YEAH. ALL RIGHT. THIS IS THE PROPYLAEUM. JUST UP THOSE STAIRS IS THE PARTHENON. HOW MANY MORE STAIRS? ABOUT 30, 50. A LOT. (SIGHS) GEORGIA: IT'S OKAY. WE'RE TIRED. AND THE STRESS OF IRV IS... (SIGHS) YEAH. ANYONE WHO WANTS TO, FOLLOW ME. (MURMURING) DORCAS: OH, POUPI. BIG AL: YOU'RE DOING GREAT, MARC. KIMMY: MAKES IT ALL WORTHWHILE. (TOURISTS MURMURING) GEORGIA: INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT? KIMMY: TELL US ABOUT IT. YEAH, WHAT'S THE JOHN DORY? WELL... WE HAVE TRAVELLED WITHIN A VERY MYSTERIOUS TRIANGLE. DELPHI... ATHENS... OLYMPIA. AND THIS CITY, ATHENS, GOT ITS NAME FROM THE GODDESS OF WISDOM, ATHENA. AND THE PARTHENON WAS BUILT TO HONOUR HER. IT WAS FINISHED IN 432 BC. LET ME TELL YOU WHY I LOVE IT HERE. LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF THE WIND BLOWING THROUGH THE COLUMNS. (WIND WHISTLING QUIETLY) GEORGIA: THAT IS THE SAME WIND THAT MANKIND HAS LISTENED TO FOR CENTURIES. IT'S THE SOUND OF NATURE MEETING HUMAN IMAGINATION. AND FOR ME... THAT'S HISTORY. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, ANGIE. IT... IT'S JUST PLAIN BEAUTIFUL. THAT'S WHAT IT IS. IT WAS LOVELY. BEST THING I EVER LISTENED TO. IT... IT'S GREEKALICIOUS. (CHUCKLES) YES, GATOR? UH, THERE'S STILL SOMETHING I HAVEN'T SEEN. WHAT'S THAT? A GREEK HOSPITAL. (MURMURING) GOOD CALL, GATOR. I'D LIKE TO SEE ONE OF THOSE, TOO. I KNOW A GOOD ONE. I'LL TAKE US ALL. NICO: FINE, FINE. TAKE YOUR STUPID PICTURES, AND I'LL GO GET YOU SOME ICE CREAM. GOOD MORNING, NICO. OH, YEAH? I HAVE A HEADACHE. IN MY HEAD. THE BUS AIR-CONDITIONER, IT BREAK. AND THESE AMERICAN IDIOTS NEVER STOPS TO COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN. WAIT A MINUTE. DID YOU JUST CALL US AMERICANS? AMERICANS, CANADIANS, HUH? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? YOU JERK! (YELPS) (ALL GROANING) (CLAMOURING) (LAUGHTER) BARRY: RUNS LIKE A SHEILA! GEORGIA: AND THE GREEK WORD FOR HOSPITAL IS "NOSOKOMEIO." SAY IT WITH ME. ALL: NOSOKOMEIO. VERY GOOD. THIS IS ONE OF THE FINEST HOSPITALS IN ATHENS. ONLY THE BEST FOR OUR IRV. HEY! HEY! IRV! HEY, HEY! WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. DUDE! THIS NICE GUY'S FOR YOU. YOU'RE COMING TO THE FAREWELL PARTY TONIGHT. YEAH, MATE, SHOVE THAT DOWN YOUR GULLET. THIS IS GREAT. THANK YOU. LOOKING GOOD, IRV. MADE IN AMERICA, IRV. (CHEERING) 'CAUSE YOU MISSED THE PARTHENON. WEAR IT IN GOOD HEALTH, BOSS. YOU'RE IN THE PINK, IRV. FRIENDS? THIS IS GREAT. SO MANY VISITORS. NICE. NOW, GET OUT. YES? TAKE CARE OF HIM. BIG AL: GIVE 'EM HELL, IRV! KIMMY: YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, IRV. HEY, STAY UP, MAN. YO, GATOR. ON YOU, MATE. YANGALANGA. DORCAS: BYE, IRV. IRV (SIGHS): DORCAS... BYE, IRV. THANK YOU. MY PLEASURE. (SNIFFLES) # YOU MAKE ME HAPPY # (INDISTINCT CHATTER) # HAPPY # # YOU MAKE ME HAPPY # # HAPPY # SAY "CHEESE." THIS IS A GREAT BUFFET, ANGE. HUH? THESE BAKLAVAS ARE A RIOT! (LAUGHING) ANGIE, I'VE GOT SPANAKOPITA AND DOLMADES. AND THEY LOOK VERY GOOD. OR, AS THEY SAY IN GREEK, "POLY KALOS." (laughter) THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. HEY, LISTEN, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, BUT, UM, MY NAME IS NOT ANGIE OR ANGE... BIG AL: YEAH, WE KNOW. IT'S GEORGIA. SO WHY DO YOU CALL ME ANGIE? LOOK AT YOU. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE. YOU KNOW, THAT ACTRESS THAT ADOPTS EVERYBODY. WE LOVE HER. YEAH, YOU MUST GET THAT ALL THE TIME. YES, I DO. YES. OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE. # ...WHOLE WIDE WORLD, SINGING LA, LA, LA, LA, LALA # HI. CAITLIN, HI. FOR YOU. OH, THANK YOU. LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT YOU! # OH, I CANNOT COUNT THE WAYS # # YOU HAVE MADE MY LIFE SO BLESSED # # ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU CAME # # AND MADE BEAUTY # # OF MY MESS, AND YOU MAKE ME # # HAPPY... OH # # YOU MAKE ME FEEL THE WAY... # HEY YA, POUPS. YOU KNOW, UH, YOU TURNED OUT TO BE ALL RIGHT FOR A GUY THAT DOESN'T SAY MUCH. (CHUCKLING) AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING? IT'S ALL RIGHT. HI... EXCUSE ME. UH, I'LL GET SOME WINE. OKAY. GEORGIE, I GOT THESE FOR YOU. DORCAS, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS. OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'VE GOT THE RECEIPT. AH! GOOD FOR YOU. WELL, IT'S A START. OH, WAIT. LOOK AT THIS. OH. GEORGIA. I SAW YOU. OH, GOOD. (TRADITIONAL GREEK MUSIC PLAYS) TO MY HAND YOU CAN SPEAK. YOU WROTE THESE. "EXCELLENT." "GEORGIA IS TERRIFIC." "GEORGIA IS WONDERFUL." "YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE ANGIE." I LOOK LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE. NO, YOU DON'T. WHO WROTE THESE? DORCAS: I DID. I WROTE 'EM. (ALL CLAMOURING) I DID. OH, I TOTALLY DID. WE LOVE ANGIE. KIMMY: GEORGIA! SHE'S THE BEST. THANKS, YOU GUYS. IS A FLUKE, SO NO RAISE. UH, FINE. ALL RIGHT, TEN PERCENT. THAT'S AS HIGH AS I GO. OKAY. UM, YOU DIDN'T GET A LETTER FROM ME, DID YOU? SURE, I DID. BUTT SMOOCHER. "DEAR MARIA, YOU ARE MY ONLY FRIEND IN GREECE..." THE REST GOT STAINED. (SNIFFS): COFFEE? COFFEE? EVERYBODY SHOULD TAKE THE TIME FOR A COFFEE. I'VE HEARD EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE TIME FOR A COFFEE. I JUST SAID THAT. WHAT? YOU FOUND YOUR KEFI. YES. AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? PROKAPI. WHAT? POUPI KAKAS. SHUT UP. MARIA? WILL YOU MAKE ME FULLTIME DRIVER? OKAY. GEORGIA, 20 PERCENT. THAT'S AS HIGH AS I GO. OKAY. WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME? (SIGHS) IT'S OPEN. MICHIGAN UNIVERSITY. YOU GOT THE JOB THERE. I HAVE A JOB HERE. AND IT WON'T BE EASY. NICO? HE QUIT. MAMA'S BOY. I KNEW HIS FATHER. SAME THING, EH? ARE YOU SURE? YES. I'M SURE. IF YOU'LL BE MY DRIVER. OF COURSE. WILL YOU HOLD ON JUST A SECOND? I'M WAITING. (GEORGIA SPEAKING GREEK) (BAND STOPS PLAYING) EVERYONE? EVERYONE? I'M SO HAPPY I MET YOU. AND I'M GOING TO MISS YOU ALL. TO GEORGIA! AW...! ALL: TO GEORGIA! (WHOOPING) TO IRV. BARRY: TO THE IRVINATOR! ALL: TO IRV. GEORGIA (VOICEOVER): OKAY, SO I'M STAYING IN GREECE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. BUT AS THE MAN SAYS... (GREEK ACCENT): "HOW DO YOU PLAN LIFE?" I'VE WAITED A LONG TIME TO BE THIS HAPPY. AND THE THING ABOUT HAPPI... (SIGHS) WAIT, WHAT WAS I SAYING? YEAH, I'M GOING TO ENJOY IT. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (ROMANTIC MUSICAL THEME FADES OUT) (TRADITIONAL GREEK MUSIC PLAYS) TEACH ME TO DANCE. DANCE? DID YOU SAY "DANCE"? OPA! (LAUGHS) COME ON. AND NOW... WE DANCE! (CHEERING) (LAUGHING AND WHISTLING) (CHUCKLING) (JOYFUL SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER) (JOYFUL SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER)