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George and Arlo implement a cunning plan to bring Shay back from Sydney. George and Jan's new relationship lurches towards the rocks.

Widower George Turner quits his job as a popular 800-word columnist for a top-selling Sydney newspaper, and buys a house on an impulse in a remote New Zealand seaside town.

Primary Title
  • 800 Words
Date Broadcast
  • Sunday 22 January 2017
Start Time
  • 20 : 35
Finish Time
  • 21 : 30
  • 55:00
  • 2
  • 1
  • TVNZ 1
  • Television New Zealand
Programme Description
  • Widower George Turner quits his job as a popular 800-word columnist for a top-selling Sydney newspaper, and buys a house on an impulse in a remote New Zealand seaside town.
Episode Description
  • George and Arlo implement a cunning plan to bring Shay back from Sydney. George and Jan's new relationship lurches towards the rocks.
  • PGR
Owning Collection
  • Chapman Archive
Broadcast Platform
  • Television
  • English
Captioning Languages
  • English
Live Broadcast
  • No
Rights Statement
  • Made for the University of Auckland's educational use as permitted by the Screenrights Licensing Agreement.
  • Television programs--Australia
  • Television programs--New Zealand
  • Drama
CROWDED HOUSE'S 'BETTER BE HOME SOON' # Somewhere deep inside, # something's got a hold on you. # And it's pushing me aside. # See it stretch on forever. # And I know I'm right # for the first time in my life... # I'm glad I came over. Thanks for bringing my stuff. Well, you left in such a hurry, it's the least I can do. Anything else you want sent over, just sing out. I'm fine. Grandma Trish has been more than happy to buy me things. Yeah, I bet. SEAGULLS SQUAWK Do you miss Sydney? Yeah, of course. That's why it'll be good to come and visit. Yeah. I'm not sure when the next time will be, though. Things are pretty full-on at the moment. In Weld? Yeah, believe it or not. With Jan. Yeah, with Jan. Your mother loved this school. I know. I sit in assembly looking at her name on the Honours Board. Yeah. It did love her back. I'm not her, Dad. I know. Oh, Arlo texted, and the internet's up and running again. Have you seriously got fibre now? Yeah, yeah, Zac and I could be pretty much be living at our place getting it up and running. Ike asked after you... a few times. I hope you told him I'm fine. I did. Cos I am. Yeah, I know. I can see that. TINKLY PIANO MUSIC Well, I better get going. BIRDS CHIRP SCHOOL BELL RINGS As long as you're happy, OK? Thank you. Go. SERENE MUSIC I can't do this any more. But` But did you stick to the plan? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I did. Pretty sure? Is that a yes or a no? Yes. Yeah, it's a yes. But with every breath all I wanted to do was say, 'Please come home. We love you, and we miss you.' And we agreed that that would never ever work because Shay is a stubborn cow. Your words, not mine. What did we agree on, Dad? That Shay needs to want to come home of her own accord. I` I know. Exactly. Exactly. Did you tell her about the internet? Yes, I told her about the internet. OK, good. Good. Then your job is done and I can finally break radio silence. Are we doing the right thing here? Well, that very much depends on Shay, doesn't it? TINKLY THEME MUSIC Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017. FIRE CRACKLES LAUGHTER Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh. BOOM! WOMAN: Whoo! LAUGHTER Cool! No, Billy, not cool. Listen to what Constable Tom has to say. (CLEARS THROAT) A timely reminder of the destructive properties of gun powder. If this letterbox had been a human being, what do you think the result would have been? Death. Not necessarily instant, possibly slow and painful. Yes, Siouxsie. Thank you. But only if the fireworks had have been in the head. Last year, or in your case, Monty, over multiple years, I've had to speak to each and every one of you about the gross misuse of our legal right to blow stuff up once a year. I was only trying to put on a bit of a show for the customers. You work in a petrol station, Ollie. Look, I'm sorry, but I feel like I'm being singled out here. Really, Monty? The 'wave of mutilation', the 'drone of carnage'. CICADAS BUZZ What have you got planned this year? Nothing. SIREN WAILS And that's me. Uh, excuse me. Why did you blow up our letterbox? To remind certain lawbreakers of the fragility of life. Here endeth the lesson. You may go. Um... Yes, young Billy? When do the fireworks go on sale? Oh, as soon as I get there. (CHUCKLES) The hot new release this year is the Dragon's Mother Cluster Shower. Word is it really goes off. Awesome. (CHUCKLES) Dear God. Hey, you know, you could have warned us. Did you not tell them? Yeah. No. Oh, I've been real busy lately, sorry. It slipped my mind. Anyway, thanks for the use of the, um... CICADAS BUZZ I'll build you another one. # Now the sun is out. # It's warming up between us. # We've got to keep the faith,... Gidday, George. Monty. # ...so the love can never leave us. Sweet lover, well, you know what I like. # Don't stop, cos it's gonna be all right. GREG JOHNSON'S 'NOW THE SUN IS OUT' CONTINUES Be safe, and don't tell your mother. # We're not friends if you don't have time. It's like Johnny Cash and the ties that bind ` # If you think you'll never walk the line, you're dreaming. # You're dreaming about living in a tree-lined street, Kicking up leaves with the same two feet as before. # You don't want to be lonely any more. # Now the sun is out. # it's warming up between us. # Whoa. TYRES SCREECH DRAMATIC MUSIC Damn. CRASH! God, I am so sorry. It rolled off the back of the trailer. I feel like we've been here before. What? (CHUCKLES) Well. (LAUGHS) Oh, right. Yeah. Except this one's only papier mache. Oh! For the guy. Right. How did your trip go? OK, I think. You didn't drag her back, kicking and screaming? No, that wasn't the plan. So you have a plan? In a manner of speaking. Which guy is this for? The one who goes on the bonfire. You and Jan are coming. Oh, are we? Yeah, of course. Could you give me a hand to get this back on the trailer? Yeah. Yeah, sure. (LAUGHS) There we go. CELL PHONE RINGS And he's back. Hey, ugly blister. And suddenly, I miss not being able to contact you. Yeah. I mean, the Wi-Fi here is really fast now. Glad something in Weld is. Where are you? Are you at school? That doesn't look like school. I didn't really feel like school today. Where are you? I'm at home, in your room. Well, we call it the spare room now. But, hey, uh, check this out. Woody kind of went nuts ` a whole new wardrobe thingy, uh, new wallpaper, curtains and stuff. Yeah, and... the door even shuts. Arlo, I'm not coming back just because you've done up my room. Well, it's not your room; it's the spare room. And, hey, uh, check this out. Dad was over the state of the shower and, um, got Bill McNamara in to fix it. And they stripped out the whole thing and started again. I mean, it's not as good as where you are, but by Weld standards, it's pretty awesome. Dad seems... happy. He's not. Not as happy as he should be. I have to go. I've got exams. Good luck with those. Ta. And good luck with whatever it is you're doing over there. Stuff. Yeah. Good luck with stuff. PHONE LINE BEEPS There are two types of combustion ` explosion and implosion. Both, however, lead to the same end result ` radical change in a very short space of time. Did you not know this about Kiwis? Yeah, they take Guy Fawkes to whole new levels. From the sound of it, they'll blow pretty much anything up. Including our letterbox, apparently. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I vaguely remember that from when I was a kid. This cannot end well. (LAUGHS) Hey. Hey. How was Sydney? It felt very brief. Shay's OK? She's... She's fine. Good. And it's good you got to talk to her. Yeah, it is. Missed you. You too. And how about you? What did you get up to while I was away? Oh, I, um... I made lots of new friends. Really? Yeah. Learnt all sorts of things. Hello. Oh,... hi. Uh... This is the famous nudie beach. Sure is. You're welcome to join. No, it's fine. Thanks. You have a nice day. WHIMSICAL MUSIC You used to be Laura's best friend, eh? Hannah! You don't just blurt out a question like that. What?! I'm just getting to know our newest resident. Is that what I am? Well, I don't know. Are you? George is in Sydney, right? Yeah, he's taking some of Shay's stuff over to her. She did leave in rather a hurry. She did. And then you arrived. I did. Yep, I'm practically a local now. Great. Welcome to Weld. Thank you. (SIGHS) Ooh. Sorry. The flying and that little time difference always hits you more than you think it will. Well, you should have a lie-down. Yeah, I think I will. It's good to have you home, though. Yeah, it's good to be home. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) SOLEMN MUSIC 1 Guy Fawkes, the man whose memory these insane Kiwis celebrate every year by burning him in effigy, was a radical seeking change by blowing the living daylights out of the world as he knew it. For most of us, however, change comes much slower. Creeping up on us without us realising the process is actually happening. FIREWORKS CRACKLE, EXPLODE Sure. Sounds great. Why would you set off fireworks in the daytime? You can't see all the pretty sparkly bits. Maybe they just like the sound. Well, then go live in a war zone. (CHUCKLES) OK. I'll see you then. That was Big Mac. He wants me to have lunch with him. Really? What for? I have no idea. But he assures me he's paying, an actual free lunch. Hmm. That was some mighty fine sleeping there, George Turner. Yeah, I must have been more tired than I thought. Well, you must be pretty emotionally drained. Yeah. Something like that. Dad, you remember we have parent-teacher interviews today, right? I'll grab a shower, and I'm all over it. Should I come? No. Um, it's more a parent teacher thing. Of course. I'm sorry about that. You have lunch. Free lunches are a rare beast these days, eh? So you're saying he's already passed this NAEC` NCEA, Dad. Oh. National Certificate of Educational Achievement. And yes! Oh, even before the exams? Yes! But no. Yeah, if I don't sit the exams, I'll fail. Well, what if you fail the exam? I'll still pass. It's peculiar to NZ. Like this thing they have for Guy Fawkes? Oh my God! Don't you just love Guy Fawkes? I mean, I admit the first year I was terrified. It's like the world was exploding around me. Especially because that was the year that Monty unveiled the crown of fire. LAUGHTER Ow, ow, ow! Bad idea! Bad idea! Dad, I can't put you out if you keep running away! FIREWORKS WHISTLE Sorry, Arlo, this is about your studies. We're expecting excellence endorsements, which is... unheard of for Weld District High School, to be honest. Oh, that's great. Great. And what about Shay? How is she? Pretty miserable, actually. Which is a good thing. She has to hit rock bottom for things to pan out. Pan out? Yeah, what Arlo means is that Shay has made a big decision, and she has to own it. I guess. You can't tell me what to do! Of course I can. I'm your bloody father! But you don't get it! You're failing everything, Lindsay. What's not to get? I try, but it's hard. Oh, don't give me that. The only thing you try hard at is partying. Come on. You know what you need? You need a boot up your ar` Bill. George. That's what you need. I've had it up to here, Lindsay. < Next year, girl, you're going to boarding school, just like your brother. That was a great report, Arlo. Clearly, you've got your mother's brains. (CHUCKLES) Uh, Dad, I just realised I've got stuff I need to do in the library. I'll um... You go. I'll walk home later. It's OK. I don't mind waiting. No, no, honestly. I'll see you at home. UPBEAT MUSIC MUSIC BECOMES SOMBRE I think what your dad was saying was really uncool. So? It's nothing new. So perhaps I could help? How? I could help you study. Maybe if you pass, he'll change his mind. He's a bully. It won't make any difference. It might. You come from a nice family. Don't even pretend to understand. Most people drink alone under the cover of darkness. I'm meeting someone. Ah. Big Mac, for lunch. Should I be worried? Did he say why the lunch? No. Maybe he thinks you're single and he wants to put his love moves on you. Ew. Why would he think I'm single? Maybe word hasn't reached him you're with George. Am I with George? Well, aren't you? Ladies. Jan. How lovely to see you. It is not Big Mac. Right. It just looks like Big Mac. (LAUGHS) It's all go here. Oh, mate, us Weldians fully embrace the big GFN. GFN? Yeah, Guy Fawkes Night. Oh. A night that's like catnip to the people of Weld ` magic, explosions, primal. If you say so, Zac. Ignore him, George. All my kids arrived into the world nine months after the GFN. Isn't that right, Katie? Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Go away. 52% of all birthdays in Weld occur nine months after Guy Fawkes. (LAUGHS) That is not true. It is. I did a statistics project on it. The fireworks go off, the people go off, and babies get made. To be fair, Billy was conceived in those sand dunes over there. Probably too much information. Yeah, maybe. Look, all I'm saying is you should watch out. Because with the power of Guy Fawkes tomorrow night, Arlo might end up with a little brother in nine months' time. (CHUCKLES) Thanks for the warning, Billy. That's Big Mac, isn't it? What?! No. It's just a guy. Yeah, right (!) I want details. Is Shay OK? Yeah, she's fine. Actually, she's not fine. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. No, no, no, that's good. That's good. Cos that goes in with how Arlo and George are making out life's totally fine without her. Operation Shay, we're calling it. Hey, Woody, remember that conversation that you, me and Arlo had about keeping Operation Shay strictly between us? I do now, yeah. And if I'm done here, um, I need to fix a letterbox. Yeah. Quite urgent. Sorry. Are you sure reverse psychology is the wisest option? I'm not sure of anything, to be honest. And I'm aware of the hundred different ways this could backfire. But I miss my daughter every minute of every day, and I've gotta do something to get her back. Can you blame me? Of course not. I'll see you later. TINKLY RINGTONE MELODY PLAYS Hi. Is that George? Yeah. Hello, person who's not Noah. Hi, no. I am Taylor-Rose, your assistant editor. Oh. What happened to Noah? You so don't wanna know. Try me. Let's just say an unfortunate incident involving social media. There are photos that you really shouldn't ever take, let alone post. Go, Noah. But you have me now. I do. And what can I do for you, Taylor-Rose? First thing I wanna say is how much I have admired your column. Is that so? You have done, like, an amazing job for so long now. Your use of the past tense suggests that you're softening me up for some bad news. There's no such thing as bad news, George. (SCOFFS) Oh, yes, there is. Bad news can be the same as a new beginning. And the good news is, you actually get to decide when your final column is. My final column? Either this week or next week's. It's probably not gonna be possible after that. But at least you get some choice with what fits with your creative flow. Is it possible to speak with my actual editor? If you can find her, totes. Apparently, she's on special leave. Disappeared over a month ago. No one can get hold of her. Are you referring to Jan? Jan, Jane, June ` some old-fashioned name like that. No, no, it's Jan. Is she still editor? Unclear. Noah reckoned there was some kind of breakdown ` a thing with one of the bosses ` maybe an affair. And meanwhile I'm being fired? Don't think of it like that. But how else am I supposed to think of it? I'm a really big fan of the 'conscious uncoupling' thing. Well, I'll get back to you about my final column. < Hello? How was the free lunch? Not entirely free ` there was a catch. He offered me a job editing News Of The Weld. Hell, maybe I'll buy the Step And Star. Then you can edit them both. I mean, you are clearly the best man for the job. (LAUGHS) Wow. That's me, George ` best man for the job. Intriguing. Meanwhile, I was having an interesting conversation with Taylor-Rose. Who is Taylor-Rose, and should I be jealous of her and her double-barrelled name? Maybe, cos she was sitting in your chair when she called. She's from the magazine? While you were being wined and dined and offered a job,... I was losing mine. Those bastards. You do realise that you're still editor of said bastards, right? Really? I was under the impression that you'd left your Sydney position. I did. I think they're just scared of legal action. Why? From the affair. What affair? The one I was having with my boss. Oh. And, uh,... how long were you having this affair with your boss? Years,... until he ended it because his heinous wife is pregnant. Is that why you came here? Yeah. Well, why didn't you tell me? You had your own problems. Yeah, but if we're gonna,... you know, we need to be able to talk to each other about stuff like that. Really, George? Then why didn't you tell me about Operation Shay? How do you know about Operation...? Woody. Well, you did leave me alone in the house with him. I mean, what, were you` were you worried that I was gonna say that toying with a teenage girl's emotions is a very dangerous thing to do? We decided, Arlo and I, that we would keep it in the family. And Woody, of course, because he needed to do all the work. All of which begs the question ` am I a part of this family or not? SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Man, there is enough gunpowder in this town to blow us back to Sydney. Damn, I, uh, cut off my credit card. I might go for a surf. Wait. Is there a problem here? All good. TINKLY CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC 1 SEAGULLS SQUAWK Have you...? Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that hasn't begun? What, like, you think it's gonna begin, and then it never does? No, as in you skipped the beginning and went straight to the middle. Nope. I mean, I have my trouble beginning relationships. If they start at all, it's a bloody miracle. Yeah, but if they did, could you end something that hasn't begun? But what we're talking about has most definitely begun, right? Yes. You are now in a relationship with a man in Weld, who is not the man you were having an affair with in Sydney last month? Yeah, sort of. Nice work. What do you mean, 'sort of'? I mean it's not what I came here to do. But it's what happened when you came here. Yes. Yes, it is. Whatever 'it' is. What, you don't know what it is? No. I have no idea! Is there... magic? I think we skipped the magic bit and went straight to the, 'Hi, honey. How was your day' bit. So you're not in love with Jan? Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. As a friend. Great. I mean, that's the best kind of love. (LAUGHS) It's not ideal, is it? Men are not mind readers, Jan ` they need you to tell them what they want. And what you want. You know, down a bit, to the side, slow it down. There are bigger issues here than sex, Hannah. Are there? Jan? The sex is lovely. (SCOFFS) Well, that is one of the most depressing things I've ever heard. Just ignore her. It's not how these things start, it's how they finish that's important. And you shouldn't feel afraid of pressing George for an answer. What's the question? Does he love you? So, is there anything wrong with just letting it happen? Well, that's what I've been doing thus far and how I find myself in this... curious situation. And it's not working for you, is it? No. Hey, peasant. How's it going? I'm studying for exams I've already passed. I love NZ. What's happening with you? Uh, not much. Living the dream, eh? Dad make it home OK? Yeah, just in time for their first fight. Him and Jan? What were they fighting about? No idea. I just walked in on the icy aftermath. What does it matter to you, anyway? It's Dad ` of course it matters to me. Yeah, from a distance. Hey, Arlo. > Oh dear. What? Hey, sorry to bust in, bro, but, uh, I need your help. Hey, Shay! OK. Yep, still not her favourite person, eh? Yeah, no. (EXHALES) So, what are you doing in my room? Like I said, I need your help. UPBEAT MUSIC OK, you can let go now. Yeah. Your sister never held on that tight. Well, it may seem old-fashioned, but I value life. What's this about? All will be revealed. I thought you were getting something useful, like alcohol to ease my pain. Lindsay! She's` She's run away from home. Uh, right. And moved in with you? In that she's occupying my caravan, yes. OK. And why is this my problem? Well, she said something about you saying that she should stand up to her father. Yeah, by` by studying. Not by throwing herself at you. What? I don't want her. Um, I can hear you! Yeah, great, then you get that I'm not interested in you. She's in Sydney, Ike. Yeah, and you're in my room, and I want you out. OK, uh, uh, Lindsay? I think it's really cool that you're doing something about your dad, cos he's a real douche. You got that right. Yeah, but this isn't the way. Exactly. Cos when my dad gets back, he's gonna throw your ass out. I'm not going home! Hey, well, um, if you want, you could come stay at our place, you know, until things get sorted out. You're just saying that cos you wanna hit on me. No. No, I'm saying it cos I wanna help. And we have a spare room, so... OK. That can work. But I am not sleeping with you. Oh, no, no, not gonna happen. That's fine. I get it. UPBEAT MUSIC There is an inevitably that occurs when certain elements mix. The Chinese discovered this and called it gunpowder. By adding a spark, there's no way to avoid an explosion. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS Hello? You need to come down to the boat club now. Why? So I don't lose my liquor licence. I am about to redefine your sensory experience of what a mojito means. CHEERING Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS) Well, anyway... Tom! Get in line for the best mojito this side of Tassie. CHEERING This is about fireworks etiquette, isn't it? Hopefully to drive the point home. It's all good, Tom. This is a full and final warning, Monty. There can be no repeat of the 'drone of carnage'. This thing's really hard to fly. SCREAMS, YELLING Nah, you're doing great, Dad. Or the 'wave of mutilation'. That was meant to be an oceanic extravaganza. FIREWORK CRACKLES How were we to know that a wave was gonna come along and angle the board and fireworks at the crowd, and then propel it towards the beach at a rate of knots? Not entirely according to plan. Nah, it's great, Dad. It's a surf beach, Monty, and waves do what waves do. This year ` nothing. Do you hear me? The crowds love it, Tom. As they flee in terror. Deep down, they love it. And you ` you're worse than him. You enable him. He has a gift. Not this year, he doesn't. The Janito! Whoo! CHEERING She's a keeper, this one, George. Oh my. Deja vu in reverse. When I first laid eyes on George, he was the barman, serving me and my dear friend Laura. Remember? Hmm? And he was so handsome and suave. And, oh, she fell for him so hard. Yeah, thanks, Jan. I remember that. You're here to take me home, aren't you? CROWD: No! Not without sampling your finest Janito first. CHEERING Um, that may not be entirely possible. Me? I see nothing. You know, she's a lot more fun than I thought she'd be. Yeah, she is. She's always been like that ` fun. A fun friend. < George Turner! Bill Jr. Can I help you? (SCOFFS) Like you did for my daughter? Excuse me? It's called kidnapping, mate! I am not going with you! You don't get to decide! I'm my own person! You're 16! And I don't wanna be living with someone who's always telling me what to do! I'm your father ` that's my job! You, get in the car, you're comin' home. No! You wanted to send me away ` well, now I'm away. Hey, can I` can I say something here? I think you've said about enough, luring my girl here. No one lured anyone anywhere. I just think it might be a good idea to let Lindsay stay here for a while. I can help her study. Study?! How to get into her pants? Taihoa, mate, that's` Come on, Tom, I know what teenage boys are like. Not my son. I just wanna help. Honestly. > This is what you want, is it? Yes. And you're OK with this? I think what's done is done. Fine. She's your problem, then. Right, clearly not a kidnapping, so I will leave you people to it. CAR ENGINE STARTS > Cool! We can go and get my clothes tomorrow when he's at work. We had a spare room. Yes, we did. TENSE MUSIC 1 Hey. Hey. Uh, what's up? Just about to ask you the same question. What was Ike's problem? What does that matter to you? Just curious ` that's all. Where are the towels? I wanna take a shower when your dad's girlfriend's finished hurling. Hey, Shay. How's Sydney? Uh, cupboard just outside the bathroom. OK. Why... is that skank... in my house? She's kind of living with us now. With you? No. No, not like that. Just,... uh, with us. In... my... room? It` It's not your room; it's the spare room. I` I have to go. PHONE BEEPS Jan sure tied one on last night, eh? For which she is paying the price. (LAUGHS) Hey, that hole in the ceiling above my bed... Yeah, yeah, yeah, top of my priority list, straight after the letterbox. Hey, did she chunder? Ooh yes. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Did you do that kind thing where ya held her hair back over the bowl? She seemed to have it under control. Oh right. That speaks volumes. Does it? Yeah, well, you're in a relationship that can't be named. What does that mean? Waves are like relationships. OK, they roll in sometimes, but they don't stick around. Not unless you ask them to. That makes no sense, Woody. Waves don't even stick around even if you ask them to. Exactly. Laura's gone, George. Yeah, I'm` I'm fully aware of that, thanks, Woody. No, no, no, no. I mean she's a treasured memory, right? That's who she is. Safely encased in the warm embrace of your heart. Yeah, well, I'd like to think so. Yeah, well, Jan can't ever be Laura. It's different, mate. But just cos it's different doesn't mean it's bad. I never said it was bad. Well, so it's good, then? I don't know. We're just two friends who` Blurred the lines of friendship? (SIGHS) Oh, well, look, you can always surf the foam. The what? Big waves, small waves ` they're all still waves. The question you've got to ask yourself is ` are you catching the wave or are you gonna let it go? REFLECTIVE MUSIC (SIGHS) BANG! BANG! BANG! How does a woman of your age not suffer from a hangover? With age comes experience. Mm. Yeah I was told that, um, spewing can alleviate the symptoms. Is that true? Some of us are born with an iron constitution. Mm. Hey. How was the surf? Didn't quite make it. Ah, well, never mind. Bacon and eggs, help yourselves. Excuse me. Be kind. I am getting too old for this. So you do have a hangover. Of biblical proportions. The expectations of fireworks can in itself be a problem. They're expected to be loud, colourful, exciting. But some fireworks disappoint. They don't live up to their label and the expectations we place upon them. Unfortunately, until you light the fuse... You don't really know what you're gonna get. I love the calm before the storm. Pity there has to be a storm. Any, um, similarity is entirely coincidental. (SCOFFS) We're wearing the exact same shirt. Artistic zeitgeist. Guy Fawkes was an English Catholic who, in 1605, wanted to blow up Parliament to assassinate King James I and then install a Catholic king onto the throne. Uh-huh. Yeah, but he was caught and executed. Well, he committed suicide. Um, which is why we burn an effigy of him every single year to remind us of the value of democracy. So, why does that make everyone wanna bonk in the sandhills? That's a very good question. Maybe the colourful fireworks reminds people of the warm feelings they have for each other. I think it just makes them horny. Yeah. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC FIREWORKS POP, WHISTLE I love the smell of gunpowder in the evening. (INHALES) You feeling better? Sorry. I don't seem to bounce back quite as easily as I used to. Do you feel up to the celebrations? The bonfire thing? You wanna go? Why not? You want me to come? Of course. But you're not sure in what capacity. That's the thing. I don't know what we are. Does it have to be a big deal? It has to be something. You mean,... are we a couple? Or are we just friends with benefits? Whatever it is, I feel like somewhere along the way,... I lost a really good friend. Me too. And I want her back. Me too. Because ever since we... Did the... Yeah, I know. It's been so damned awkward. Hasn't it? I mean, like, so awkward. (SIGHS) God, that feels good to say. Doesn't it? (LAUGHS) How old do you feel right now? 17. 15. I don't wanna be a teenager again. No, no, we're way too old for that (LAUGHS) Yeah. You know, uh,... I have spent far too much of my life... wanting to be Laura,... having what she had. I thought maybe,... but I'm never gonna have what she had, and... and that's OK, because... I'm not her. And I love you the way you are. Let's leave love out of it, George. Neither of us were looking for that. Yeah, you're probably right. And, you know, as, um,... curious and quaint and... funny as this lovely little town, Weld, is,... (INHALES DEEPLY) it isn't me. I have to accept I am unashamedly a big-city girl. So in answer to your question, let's... let's go to this crazy Guy Fawkes night... as friends. LIVELY MUSIC FIREWORKS EXPLODE I'm sure it was meant as a compliment, Bill. (LAUGHS) Bloody cack-handed compliment. LIVELY MUSIC CONTINUES You know, the irony is that Guy Fawkes' execution was never gonna be a burning at the stake. It was a standard hanging followed by being drawn and quartered. Uh-huh. Makes you think, hey? Not really. FIREWORKS WHISTLE, EXPLODE Aren't they pretty, Sean? Just like you, Brenda. Quick, write your names. Go, go go! Oh, Sparklers! I love Sparklers. LAUGHTER IMITATES DARTH VADER: I am your father! DRAMATIC MUSIC Dad. And here I was, thinking you were in dire need of my help. OK, so here's the deal ` I'm back for as long as I wanna stay. I'm not going to school ` I'm done with all that. And I'm taking my room back. But what about me? I` I don't care. You can have my room. In your dreams. No, I mean, you have my room, I'll sleep on the couch. Sounds doable. And, uh, you may need to pay Grandpa back for the flight. I might have used his credit card. And, uh, for the taxi here, so... You took a taxi from the airport? How else was I meant to get here? Uh, I could have come got you. Don't get your hopes up. That I'm back has nothing to do with you. So,... do we have a deal? Do Roger and Trish know you're here? They're probably figuring it out about now. You are telling them, not me. Fair enough. OK. DAVE DOBBYN: # Welcome home. # I bid you welcome. # I bid you welcome. # Welcome home. CHEERING # From the bottom of my heart. # Where is he? Who? Monty. I know of no one by that name. But if you mean El Montero, the human skyrocket, he's over there. FIREWORKS EXPLODE, WHISTLE (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Go Monty! (LAUGHS) MOMENTOUS MUSIC (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) CHEERING Go, Monty! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Is that wise? (LAUGHS) Ooh! (GRUNTS) CROWD: Ooh! Whoa! Look out, guys! Get out of the way! SCREAMING Everyone stay calm! Whoa! MUSIC WARPS FIREWORKS EXPLODE (LAUGHS) Not entirely to plan. But, uh, good possibilities. You'll get 'em next year, Dad. All right, so nothing's really changed here, I see. (SIGHS) Not really. Hardly anything. With fireworks, we make the dark side of humanity pretty. Amidst all this remains the simple fact that sometimes we have to blow things up to clear the air... And start again. I like what you've done with my room, by the way. Goodnight.
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