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A nerdy twenty-five-year-old reporter must go undercover in a high school for a story, reliving her horrific adolescence but finding love for the first time.

Primary Title
  • Never Been Kissed
Date Broadcast
  • Wednesday 25 January 2017
Release Year
  • 1999
Start Time
  • 20 : 00
Finish Time
  • 22 : 10
  • 130:00
  • TV3
  • MediaWorks Television
Programme Description
  • A nerdy twenty-five-year-old reporter must go undercover in a high school for a story, reliving her horrific adolescence but finding love for the first time.
  • PGR
Owning Collection
  • Chapman Archive
Broadcast Platform
  • Television
  • English
Captioning Languages
  • English
Live Broadcast
  • No
Rights Statement
  • Made for the University of Auckland's educational use as permitted by the Screenrights Licensing Agreement.
  • Feature films--United States
  • Women journalists--Illinois--Chicago--Drama
  • Investigative reporting--Drama
  • High school students--Drama
  • Comedy
  • Drama
  • Romance
  • Raja Gosnell (Director)
  • Abby Kohn (Writer)
  • Marc Silverstein (Writer)
  • Drew Barrymore (Actor)
  • David Arquette (Actor)
  • Michael Vartan (Actor)
  • Fox 2000 Pictures (Production Unit)
  • Bushwood Pictures (Production Unit)
  • Flower Films (II) (Production Unit)
www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS SONG: # Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket # Never let it fade away # Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket... # WOMAN: You know how in some movies they have a dream sequence, only they don't tell you it's a dream? This is so not a dream. CHEERING It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was just trying to do my job and then things happened. Well, life happened. And now I'm here. # Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket... # Trust me. I'm not the kind of girl who does things like this. Two months ago, you couldn't have picked me out of a crowd. Hi. Hi. Call me. Told you. I'm over there. # Love may come and tap you on the shoulder... # I was the youngest copyeditor at the 'Chicago Sun-Times'. Um...Josie. 'Theatre'? Standard American calls for 'er'. Standard British calls for 're'. So unless you're a pompous American, I would go with the 'er'. I had my own office, unlimited stationery supplies and a professional, dedicated assistant. I thought of this awesome new phrase, "Power is powerful". Total T-shirt, right? Awesome, amazing. What? Can I get my messages? Hey, seriously, last time I saw you, did I look fat? You hesitated. No, it's case closed. Forget it. Merkin, I noticed that there weren't any index cards and I can't do my notes without them. Hey. Merkin ain't jerkin', he's workin'. OK? Take that to the bank. It's power, baby. (Whispers) Yeah, my 'boss'. No, I'm just a little tense. This whole office is not feng shui. The desks are facing, like, evil. Do you think I should bleach my teeth? I mean, some sunshine? Something happening around the mouth? Maybe I should just laser my gums. Josie. Guess who I did it with last night! Roger from Op/Ed. Who told you?! You did. You said yesterday, "I have a date with Roger from Op/Ed tonight, and I'm gonna do it with him." Computer's down. Septuplets story needed by 5:00. Hopefully the copy's all right. It's 'HOPED' that it's all right. 'Hopefully' is an adverb, meaning 'with hope'. You had it defining the copy. I'm sure the copy doesn't have feelings. Hmm. So, Anita, you and Roger in Op/Ed. Oh, man! Who told you? Roger in Op/Ed. Oh, really? Don't make me send you another memo about my policy on inter-office dating. It's 'intra-office dating'. And they're not dating, they're having sex. Oh. And what exactly is your policy, Augustus? That if you're not getting any, then no-one can, hmm? How many times have I fired her? Five or six. Eight. Gus! Did you get those story ideas that I left on your desk? Morning, Mr Strauss. The blind foster home mother. That was good. I got Cahoon on it. Yeah, Cahoon, he's good. Geller, we've been through this. You're a great copyeditor. You may be my best copyeditor, but you're not a reporter. You've used five of my ideas. Gus, please! Every Tom, Dick and Harry thinks he can write. But a journalist gets in there - where the bombs are falling. He's aggressive, grabbing the bull by the balls. You don't think I could grab a bull's balls? Geller, you don't want a reporter's life. Trust me. They're very messy. And you're all about order and control and getting me my copy by 5:00. I can be out of control. (Shouts) Copy by 5:00. (Mouths words) ANITA: Josie, maybe Gus has a point. It's not going to kill you to relax and have some fun. Roger's got this friend Marshall in editing. Maybe we could all go on a double date or something. (Laughs) Marshall, the Duke. I swear to God, Josie. Come on. When was the last time you went on a date? I'm concentrating on my career right now. Do you own any coloured underwear? Stripes or anything? (Sighs deeply) The right guy, he's out there. I'm just not gonna go kiss a whole bunch of 'losers' to get to him. Sometimes kissing the losers can be a really fun diversion. (Chuckles) Mm-hm. When I finally get kissed... I'll know. If you've never kissed a guy, we've bigger problems than the underwear. I-I've kissed a guy. I-I've kissed guys, I just... haven't felt that thing. That THING? Is that what you kids are calling it these days? (Chuckles) That thing. That moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realise that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you want to laugh, and you want to cry. 'Cause you feel so lucky that you found it, and so scared that it will go away, all at the same time. Damn, girl. You ARE a writer. (John Lennon sings) # People say I'm crazy... # OK. Finished. # ...doing what I'm doing... # What do you guys think? Where do you think it should go? The bedroom? That's exactly what I was thinking. # ...to save me from ruin # When I say that I'm OK, well, they look at me Perfect. # Kind of strange # Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game... # THUMP! (All draw sharp breaths) The meeting just began. Let me start by saying I was very impressed with that investigative piece that Dutton did on pesticides in our supermarkets. But since the 'Trib' did a piece on the same subject, only better... You're fired. Dutton, did you hear me? You're fired. Out, out, out. Close your cubicle. Bye-bye, Dutton. Hello, everybody else still working here. Let's celebrate by doing another undercover feature. Now, you know that my inspiration for these stories come, of course, from my personal life. I mean, who would have thought that my foray into the hairplugs would have resulted in last month's cover story - 'Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow'? A great story. So, last night, I'm home with my family having dinner... (Whispers) Roger... ...and my younger boy starts to choke and I realised my son was allergic to peanuts. I said to myself, "Holy shit! I don't even know my own kids." How much do we know about high school kids? What are they thinking? Then it hit me. Boom! (Inhales sharply) 'My Semester In High School'. You! What's your name? (Meekly) J-J-Josie. Jose? Josie Geller. Josie Geller. You enrol Friday. Have fun. The meeting just ended. Josie! ...a 20-minute handstand. Freaked the yogi right out. Everyone's screaming... Excuse me. Josie. Ah...it's really happening. 'My First Undercover Feature' by Josie Geller. Josie, maybe you should turn it down. Why? You don't think I can do it? No! No, it's just... This is a lot of pressure for your first piece. This is not a half-page article. This is a major undercover piece, OK? Look what Rigfort did to Dutton, and that guy's his cousin. Don't worry. I'll straighten this out. Neither of you think I can do this. That's not what we're saying. When you wanted to seduce that mail room guy and you thought you couldn't learn Spanish, who quizzed you on your verbs? Senorita Josie. And Gus, when you wanted to learn how to knit, who showed you? (Clears throat) You did. You knit? Yeah. So this is my chance. (Sighs deeply) Well, I'm not holding your job for you, Geller. Thank you! OK. Don't make me give you my memo on inter-office hugging, OK? OK. Now comes the hard part. My gosh! You get to be 17 again. Wow! OK, what's the first thing you're going to need? ROB: You want Bambi? No way. Rob. Please! Why don't you just borrow Mom's car? I can't use the mini-van. I need a cheap car. (Laughs indignantly) A vintage classic. It's just for a couple of months. A couple of months is like 10 years in Bambi life. This is so weird that you name your cars. Why? Guys name their penises. OK. You can have my Buick LeSabre. And name it anything you want. Really? LeSabre. No. No, I don't think so. Fully loaded. Maybe. Are those shorts or a skirt? They're gaucho pants. I got them on sale. Aloha! Welcome. Every customer gets a free lei. Relax, Vaughany. It's just my sister. Aloha, my ass. Shake it easy, boy. Hey, Rob. Have you talked to the admissions lady from Lake Shore Community College yet? No. But you could start before next semester. You could talk about a baseball scholarship. It's too late, Josie, you know. I'm not going to college. I'm not playing baseball any more. This is my life. This is a luau that sells packing material. (Both sigh with frustration) You had such a shot at playing college ball. You let one case of mono stop you. Don't you want to leave Mom and Dad's? Pay your own bills? Why? So I can be as happy as you? I am happy. Besides, you are looking at the newest undercover reporter for the 'Chicago Sun-Times'. I am Josie Geller, high school student, senior class, 1999. Uh-uh. You're kidding, right? What? Do you remember high school? It was a long time ago. Do you remember what they called you in high school? SCHOOL BELL RINGS (All chant) Josie Grossie! Josie Grossie! Josie Grossie. Yeah, I know. I made it up. I didn't know it would catch on like it did. Oh, Josie. What's the matter? You look nauseous. 'Nauseated'. I look nauseated. TOILET FLUSHES (Screams) CYNDI LAUPER'S 'SHE BOP' PLAYS STUDENTS LAUGH AND CONVERSE SONG: # She bop, he bop, we bop... # Hi, Billy. Um, I noticed that you weren't in math class today. So, um...I decided to take some notes for you. (Laughs) This is a very bad idea. SONG: # It's only in your dreams # But it felt like it was real # You're only, you're only 17 # You're only, you're only 17 # You're only, you're only 17... # CAR BACKFIRES Hey. Feeling good. (Reads) "My name's Josie. I'm from Scranton, Pennsylvania - the Keystone State..." Hold it. Where are you going? To high school. 'Cause I'm a high school student. I'm here with my fellow students. (Meekly) Hey, guys. Hi. METAL DETECTOR EMITS BEEPS Beeper - appears legitimate. Computer organiser. Recording device. (On tape) I can grab bulls' balls. Appears legitimate. This is a projectile launcher. That's a weapon. BELL RINGS STUDENT HUBBUB Class. Today we have the pleasure of exploring the pantheistic culture of India. Hi. Hello. Willkommen. Entrez. Entrez. Sorry I'm late. (Laughs) Yeah, well, I'm sorry I forgot to take my hot flush medication today. Please sit. (Reads) "Josie". Right. Mi casa es su casa. That is so sad. I know. Like five chickens had to die just so she could look that stupid. Josie, in my classroom tardiness is unacceptable. I'm sorry. Well, not as sorry as I am. STUDENTS LAUGH Ole! 10 minutes in that hat, you'll never be late again. OK. So let's hear something about you. Stand up. Stand up! My name is Josie Geller. I'm a high school student. I'm from... SONG: # I just died in your arms tonight Billy? # It must have been something you said... # Excuse me. You live in 'Billy'? Bali. Billy, Bali, um... it's a suburb of Bali proper. Bali. The island nation of Bali. Fascinating. What did your family do there? Um...we were... sheep...sheep farmers. STUDENTS LAUGH My family raised sheep. LAUGHTER INCREASES Note to self. Research Bali. Kill Anita for picking out this outfit. Find and destroy sombrero. BELL RINGS We sit here. Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't know these seats are assigned. They're not. Good morning, everyone. (All subduedly) Good morning. I, ah...I don't think we've met. I'm Sam...Coulson. The school has this thing about letting students call me Sam. I'm Josie, but I'm pretty sure the school would be OK with you calling me that. So welcome to Shakespeare's 'As You Like It'. Here, we can share. 'As You Like It' is an example... Thank you. ...of Shakespearean pastoral... comedy. Now does anyone know what that means? Yeah, that's what they do to milk. No, Sera. That's, ah... that's pasteurise. But it's close. Parakeet? STUDENTS LAUGH OK, um... Anyone else? Josie? Pastoral means set in the country, originally seen in the 'Eclogues' of Virgil. It's from the Latin 'pascere', 'to graze'. (Bleats) STUDENTS LAUGH Are you sure you're 17? Yes. I'm 17. I'm 17. Excuse me. What's in the coleslaw? Eugh! Thank you. Kirsten, that bran muffin has like 75g of fat. Thank you. Kirsten, that bran muffin has like 75g of fat. Nuh-uh! GIRL: Did I tell you that Lisa has haemorrhoids? (Girls laugh) Hi. Hi, Kristin. It's Kirsten. Oh, OK. Oh! Well, that will teach me to wear white jeans after Labor Day. I don't think you're supposed to wear white jeans after 1983. Right. Right. Right! OK. So, um...like, what are you guys' hopes and dreams? Any interests? Hi, I'm Guy. H-Hi. Yes, you are... a guy. Quite a guy. Oh, my! That rhymes. Yikes! Bikes! Are you in special ed? I mean, are you? Are you in special ed? I mean, are you? I can just see totally why you said that. I'm just gonna go. (Girls laugh) Don't slip, honey. Off the chart. Oh, how old am I?! Approximately 6,350 days old. Now that's subject for adjustment for month of birth. OK. OK, thank you. (P.E. teacher blows whistle) Let's do it! Hustle! Hustle! Come on, girls. That's good. Geller, move it! Pick up your feet. Come on. Little more commitment, Geller. Move it! Come on! What is...? Must...have...water. What do I look like? A waitress? You will complete these sprints. If you don't, you fail! And if you fail gym, you're never getting into college. You guys are still telling that lie? And if you fail gym, you're never getting into college. You guys are still telling that lie? That does it, Geller. Drop. Give me 20. (Pleadingly) No. (Drops with a painful thud) Don't worry, Rob. I put premium gasoline in her. ROB: I told you. Bambi's a cheap regular girl. Wait a second... Wait a second what? Everything is fine, Rob. I'll call you later. Don't hang up... (Disconnects phone) They do it to all the new kids. Who's they? Guy Perkins and his amazing lemmings. They push your car and hide it. Sit up there and watch while you look for it. I'm Aldys. I'm Josie. Aldys. That's an interesting name. Only when it's not yours. My mom was going through her Harlequin romance phase. Tell me about it. Try being named after a guitar-playing pussycat. Never mind. Would you like to walk to Nana's and get something to eat? Yeah. That would be really nice. So, tell me, what are your hopes and your dreams? What do you want to be? I want to be a professor of medieval literature. I want to be a novelist and a weekend flautist. I want to be a potter and a painter. I want to be an architect and I want to go to Northwestern. I went there. For what? Um...just once to use the bathroom. Um...they had a really nice facility. LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR RADIO Oh, my God! MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello. I got your message, Geller. What kind of story are you pitching? (Sighs) It's my dad. He worries. Yeah, mine too. Yeah. Hi, Dad. I miss you too. You're one sick puppy. You know that? It's an expose on cafeteria food. Let me guess. You're leading with, 'The Terrible Truth About Coleslaw'? Well, the bulk will be about the pimiento loaf. You want to be a reporter? Take a look at what sells. Sex scandals. Bribery. People jumping off buildings. So unless some kid just killed himself because he was paid to have sex with the school mascot in a vat of that coleslaw, you got nothing! Call me when you do. BAND PLAYS DISCORDANT VERSION OF 'THE SIMPSONS' THEME They love to disconnect the battery too. There. Just so that you know, I think they recalled these cars in 1974. Yeah, thanks. Sure, no problem. Josie? Yeah. I was wondering. How are you at calculus? I'm good. Want to join The Denominators? We have these fun pizza study groups, and we go to these all-county meets. Not that you need it, and I'm not the Godfather, but we could offer you a certain amount of protection. That sounds great. SONG: # 3 times 10 is 30 And 3 times 9 is 27 # 3 times 8 is 24 3 times 7 is 21 # 3 times 6 is 18 3 times 5 is 15 # 3 times 4 is 12 # And 3 times 3 is 9 And 3 times 2 is 6 # And 3 times 1 is 3, of course # Now, dig the pattern once more # 3, 6, 9 # 12, 15, 18 # Oh, yeah. # (All cheer excitedly) (Reads) "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Does anyone know what Shakespeare meant by that? Anyone? It's about disguise. About playing a part. That's the theme of 'As You Like It'. Does anyone know where we can see this? Oh...well, Rosalind disguises herself as a man. And then she escapes into the forest. Right, and it's when she's in costume that she can finally express her love for Orlando. The point Shakespeare's trying to make is that when we're in disguise we feel freer. We do things we wouldn't do in ordinary life. Brett? What happens when you go out on the football field in uniform? We kick ass! You yell. You hit people. You touch other guys' butts. STUDENTS LAUGH It's OK. It's OK 'cause you're in uniform. Disguise changes all the rules. Tell you a story. My first season of pee-wee hockey. Well, honestly, I, ah... I was terrible. I-I couldn't skate. I was afraid to take a hit. My dad, one day, bought me this brand-new helmet. Signed by Gordie Howe. Come on, guys. Gordie Howe! OK, he was, um... like the Tiger Woods of hockey. (All murmur in recognition) Every time I put on this helmet, I feel invincible - I'm skating harder, I'm checking people left and right. I even got thrown out of a game for fighting. Yeah, baby! My point here is that disguise can be liberating. It can get you to do things that you never thought possible. And for Rosalind, her male costume opens the possibilities for the great love of her life. Josie, why don't you read act five, scene two, Rosalind's speech? "No sooner they met but they looked, "No sooner they looked but they loved, "No sooner loved but they sighed..." (Reads) "Does he notice me? "Does he hear my heart screaming his name?" STUDENTS LAUGH "Sometimes it's so loud I think that the gods can hear my pain. His voice is so mellifluous. "If I could just get one kiss..." STUDENTS' LAUGHTER INCREASES PAT BENATAR'S 'HEARTBREAKER' OK, what have you wanted for, like, ever but, I mean, never ever thought would happen? I'm the most popular girl in school and Billy Prince is asking me to the prom. (Giggles) Yes. What? Billy Prince is asking you to the prom. Why? I don't know. The poem - I knew he'd like the poem. Billy Prince is asking me to the prom? That's what I'm saying. (Both scream loudly) Oh, my God... I'm...I'm actually speechless! I have no words! That's never happened to me - words are my life! BELL RINGS OK, just a reminder - your papers are due next week. Whoa! PA: Hey, guys, this is Sydney Annakowski, Student Body President. No going to the library - there's an asbestos problem. Excuse me, can I get into my locke About prom - voting on the prom theme's been completed and the theme is... the 'Millennium'! Rufus! The prom is going to be rufus. What's 'rufus'? It's my new, hip word. Spread it around like wildfire. That's great! GIRLS: Rufus! Rufus! What is it with this school and prom? South Glen South competes every year for best prom. (Posh accent) The theme is everything, darling. So whatever South Glen South picks has to be totally unique. (Girls sing badly) # There's a land that I see # Where the children are free # Come with me Take my hand # And we'll li-ive in a land where the children run free # In a land with a shining sea # And we'll be free to be you and me. # JOSIE: What's that? ALDYS: That's the old drive-in. Now they call it the Court - a continuous party for Guy's group. GUY: Hey... How about "The dog park is that way"? Get... Go. Last I checked this was a free country. You're not seriously trying to hang out at the Court. Cheap wine coolers and a fire in a trash can. How do I join? Why don't you go home, fickle around on your calculator - whatever - and figure out how many lifetimes it'll take you to get cool, OK? Have you ever wanted to go to the Court? Are you kidding, Josie? It's lame. All they do is stand around and get drunk. It's lame. Yeah. It seems lame. Yeah. It's very lame. You said that. GUS: The Court?! Josie, I am appalled. Jeez, I know. I mean, who'd have known that these kids... No! I am appalled because I have a reporter in there, undercover, for almost three weeks now, and I had to read about this in the 'Trib'. You're right. I know how to fold. (Reads) "17-year-old Kristin Davis says, "Yeah! Everyone who's anyone is at the Court on Saturday night." She's right. I have learnt that it is a popular place for the kids to go. Hmm. This is where the stories are. You'll become friends with these people. You will party with them, you'll rave with them. You're going to get jiggy with them! When they're at the prom, you'll share the same limo! Gus, listen... the popular kids and I... Do you even know these kids? They hid my car. Get to know them...very well! Your job and my job depends on it! Um...it's 'depend' because there's no 'S' - your subject is plural. OUT! Come on - asses and elbows! The news doesn't sleep, you know?! GAME COMMENTATOR TALKS EXCITEDLY Yeah, baby! Mm! Whoo! JOSIE: Rob... you're making a mess. Can you do this at Mom and Dad's? No. It's their turn to do the Franklin Mint potluck dinner. But I made a pizza. I can't do it. What? Damn! These are high school girls? We got us some under-aged hotties on our hands here. Gus wants me to be friends with these people - the popular kids. It's impossible! Why is it impossible? You know what it was like for me in high school. All I wanted was to be accepted. And they just tortured me. I can't go back to South Glen South. You're at South Glen South? They have a killer baseball team. Focus, please. OK. OK. You're an adult now, Josie. You're successful, you graduated at the top of your class, you work for a newspaper, you wash your hair now. You're not Josie Grossie any more. Don't you know how much I just wanted to be you in high school? Just for one day, to know what it was like to be popular. It's not that hard, Josie. (Sighs) All you need is the right person - one person to think you're cool and you're in. Everyone else will be too scared to question them. Is that true? Yeah. It's a little-known fact. Don't you want to show them - Gus, Billy Prince, yourself? Don't you want to show them that cool kids don't freak you out any more? That you can be friends with them and you can get your story? Yes. Desperately. Plus if you quit now, you're no better than me. Better than I. That's the spirit. So let's hear it - come on - "I'm not Josie Grossie any more." I'm not Josie Grossie any more. That's it. Now scream it. (Loudly) I'm not Josie Grossie any more! Hmm. That's good. Josie...and the Pussycat. George? What are you doing here? Ah! Get in the van. Go, go. VAN DOOR SLIDES OPEN Welcome to the love shack. All right. George, what's going on? A little surveillance. What are you doing? (Chuckles) Hidden camera. Wings? Yeah. Well, that's great, but I really should talk to Gus about this first. GUS: Geller, stop being a pain in the ass. Whoa. Gus? No, it's the great and powerful Oz. Look, you're in way over your head. Here's how it's going to work - I review the tapes, I find your story. All right. Battery...transmitter. Tuck it in. Oh...man. There we go. Good luck. I don't believe this. George, how are you so cool? Hard work, herbs, berries...you know. (Ominously) I'll be watching you. All right. Let's get this party started! TV BUZZES Come on. The picture doesn't work. Yeah...oh. Damn! There we go... Ooh! They didn't look that good when I went to high school. JOSIE: Kirsten, Kristin, Gibby. What's up, girlfriends? Oh! I'm OK. That's going to leave a mark. (Reads) "And so, it is Rosalind in disguise "who is best able to see through the disguises of others, "to say to Phoebe - 'Mistress, know thyself.' "To look at love from every angle and to realise, finally, that she is in love with Orlando. "To free both hearts - not in judgment but in equality." SAM: Thank you. That's really well written, Josie. Showtime's over. (Switches off TV) Come on. Move it. Back to work. Gus, have you ever been in love? Leave. Oh, give it up, Gus. Come on. Just making conversation. Love... Who knows what that is? Deadlines, circulation - that I understand. You know, you should go out every now and then, Gus. If you put on a couple of new ties, the girls will be all over you. Anita... What? ...leave me alone. I've got enough work here to last me all night. Listen, I don't have anything to do tonight, so if you'd like some help, I'd love to help you. No Roger from Op/Ed? Nope. Excuse me, do you guys think that we could work out some kind of schedule and I could work around it? (Both chuckle) Hey, where's your sweatshirt? Oh, I...must have forgotten it. Don't worry - I have an extra in my locker. I'll get it for you. So I'll see you tonight, 7:30. Nana's, right? OK. Great. 7:30. Yep. GUY: Ozomatli? Oh, yes, I'm so there. This band's so good. Have you heard this band play? Steal my mom's car and I'll drive. This'll be rufulicious! It's not a stick of gum. It's rufus. Rufus. FUNKY REGGAE MUSIC (Band sings Caribbean song) Are you drinking tonight? I... No, I'm not 21. I'm 17 and I still attend high school. Who are you? Josie! Josie. Hi. Out on a school night? Ah! The bathroom was disgusting. I'd like you to meet Laura. His girlfriend. She's visiting from New York. Josie's one of my students. How are you doing? What? (Loudly) Hi, there. I'm sorry - I can't even think in here. No offence. I know you love this. I'm just hoping you'll get it out of your system before you move to New York. My firm has season tickets to the Met. Oh, well... I love baseball. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. The way I see it ` we are tomorrow. I'm tomorrow. Because when we get the money and power, the women come to me. Do what I'm doin'. If you ain't movin', no movement. Better write that down. Got a napkin? Welcome to my little humble abode, you know? Let me just... handle my business. Wait a minute - got something for ya. (Turns up volume) REGGAE MUSIC (Girls cheer) That was great, you guys, that was great. Excuse me, can I sit there? Yeah. We accept all people. We are all about the love. Come and have a seat. Thank you so much. How are you tonight? I'm very well. Thank you. How are you? I feel real good. You know, we have a special cake for you. Have some cake. Oh! It's a special cake. A ganga cake. It has vitamin 'A', vitamin 'B', vitamin 'T', 'H' and 'C'. It's good for you. Eat it up. What? Is that...? No, girl, put it back. Do not... Just say 'no'. Mmm! Good, huh? That is delicious. You know, I love chocolate. She's gonna toe up the flow up. (Laughs inanely) Firecracker. You used a firecracker?! Firecracker. Man, I don't love her. Whoo-hoo-hoo! REGGAE FUNK I know this woman - she's my superior. BAND MEMBER: Let me hear you say 'yeah'! No, I'm telling you, Rob, I think I really did it. I think I'm totally in. I was so cool. You know what's a weird word? Fork. Did I tell you about the new friends I made? I made friends with a whole table of Rastafari! Not just one. A whole table! Oh, my God, someone ate my entire pie. I don't know how that happened. (Snores) DISTANT HORN HONKS DE LA SOUL'S 'ME, MYSELF AND I' # Mirror, mirror, on the wall # Tell me, mirror, what is wrong? # Can it be... # Hi, Guy. Guys, guys, guys... Loser. Oh, my God. Loser! # When it comes to me and I It's just me, myself and I... # (Others laugh) # It's just me myself and I... # What is going on up here? Is everybody going nuts? BOTH: Loser! Loser. Hey, loser. MUSIC FADES Alright, all right - look up, girl. Whoo-hoo, Jojo, look up. 'Loser'. You see? 'Loser'. Look. Hello?! Get... Yes! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Whoa. Calm down. Just wash it off and we're all cool. Oh! What are you doin'? (Throws up) I see you had the Wheaties for breakfast. (Continues vomiting) Bleurgh. It's like the All-Humiliation Network. (Flushes toilet) Uh-huh. MADONNA'S 'LIKE A PRAYER' # When you call my name # It's like a little prayer # I'm down on my knees # I want to take you there # In the midnight hour PHONE RINGS # I can feel your power # Just like a prayer... # Hello? Oh, hi, Billy. OK, I'll be out in a jiffer. Go out and have fun. OK, thanks. Bye-bye. # I have no choice I hear your voice # Feels like flying... # Hi, Billy. # You're here with me It's like a dream... # Ow! Hey! Write a poem about this, geek! Ow! (Laughs) (Sobs loudly) WOMAN: Josie? Is that you, honey? # It's like a dream Heaven help me... ROUSING 'LIKE A PRAYER' CHORUS ROB: Josie...get up. Josie? Are you OK? Josie. Are you crazy? What are you doing here? I just registered. Check it out. Manufactured at the Tiki Post. Can you do that? I just did. (Groans) Josie, this is it. This is my ninth inning. The game isn't over. I just thought it was. You see, if I get on the South Glen baseball team and the right scout sees me, I'm in the minors! It's game time! But you're 23 years old. Yeah, with the reading comprehension of a 15-year-old. Plus I'm popular... and you want to be popular. I recognise a cry for help when I see one. Hear one. Whatever. That is so like you, you know? You can't just come in here and be popular in just one day. (All chant) Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob! (All cheer wildly) I'm the coleslaw king of the world! Dude, you rock, man! BOY: Yeah! He is so hot. Hi. Hey. I'm Tracy...I'm 16... I'm a gymnast. I don't have a boyfriend. Cool. Josie... where were you last night? I was really worried. What? You know, last night at 7:30? Nana's? I kept calling you, but I just got your machine. I don't even know your parents' line. I was really worried. I'm sorry. I must have forgot. Well, maybe you should forget about sitting with us too. Let's raise some money for the prom! CHEERING Where's your partner? I don't have one. Lonely ride in bucket five! Single! Do you have to yell it like that? Sure I do. Is this seat taken? Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Whoa! Whoa! Are you scared? Well, I'll tell you something here - I hope this doesn't undermine my position as an authority figure but, ah... I'm a little afraid of heights. You're afraid of the Ferris wheel? Well, actually, it's the plunging head-first into the crowd part that kind of gets me. I bet if you had your Gordie Howe helmet on you'd feel better. You remember that story? I remember everything that you say. In your classroom. Whoo! If the buckets are rockin', don't come kn-kn-kn-knockin'! Yeah! Yeah! Boys. Yeah. Mr Coulson rocks my world! You know, I'd like to tell you that we all grow out of it. But it's a lie. Some of us will always be rattling cages. Why do you do that? I don't know. I don't know. You know, what's scary is that when you get older it just gets more confusing. You know Laura, my girlfriend you met at the club? We've been going out five years and now she wants me to move to New York. And, you know, I should do it - make the commitment and grow up. I know we have our differences. You know what? I shouldn't be talking about this stuff with you. I'm sorry. It's nice to have someone to talk to. Yeah. Same here. Well, all I can tell you is that when you're my age, guys will be lined up around the block for you. You have to say that 'cause you're my teacher. Actually, I shouldn't say that because I'm your teacher. Oh. Josie Geller? No way, man. Yeah, man, she dated the drummer from Big Bad Voodoo Daddies. Ain't that somethin' - I've always wanted to be a drummer. And then she dumped him for the drummer... (Whispers) (Sighs) All right, that's it. Just water and Ex-Lax till prom. I know all about hydration. Did you guys know that Josie's dad invented that stuff - Ex-Lax? She's the heiress to the Ex-Lax fortune. Shut up. No, it's true. She spends all her extra time with her family on a yacht in the south of France. LOUD CHEERING COACH: Quick hands, quick hands, here we go. Who's a winner? Focus. Good work. Easy, easy. Good work. Thanks for showing me that new grip. It totally changed my swing, man. No problem, man. Do you guys know that girl, Josie Geller? Yeah, I know her. Loser? No, man - she's cool. I used to go out with her. She dumped me. We're still good friends, though. Really? Hey, wait. Like, how good? Like... Good friends. Like, good-good? She is amazing. All right, all right, all right, guys. As you've probably noticed, this certainly isn't English. Um, we've combined a few classes today for the seminar. Hopefully the speaker will be here any minute. Hi. Hey. Oh, hi. You're here for the sex talk? Well! I like a man who gets right to the point. Are you Pam? If you say so. OK. Juniors, seniors, this is Pam Kitterman. She's going to lead our sex discussion. What? Yes, come on. No, I'm not... What? Oh, hi. Um, right. That's correct. Hi, I'm Pa... I'm Pam. Hi. Um, sex. (Laughs) Well, yes, sex... What do you say? Really, you know... Ahh... You like a guy. You do it with him. Sometimes he calls, sometimes he doesn't. Whoo! SUBDUED LAUGHTER Oh. Hi. What are you doing here? I came by to say hello. My God, your teacher is such a fox. He's coming back. Um, why don't we talk about that later? And I just want to say the burning sensation is normal. (Students voice their disgust) Um, sex is really fun. When you're old enough. Which none of you are. Trust me, I should know. 'Cause when you lose it to some guy named Junior, with bad breath, in a van at a Guns 'N' Roses concert, you'll wish you listened when your mother said, "Nobody will buy the whole ice-cream truck "when you're handing out the popsicles for free." (Laughs nervously) (Sighs) Any questions? Oh, I know it's hard. (Students giggle) I mean difficult. Difficult. But safe sex is really important. OK. So just imagine that the bananas are the real thing. In a land called 'Every Man's Fantasy'. (Laughs) God, I can't do this. JOSIE: Maybe that's because we're not supposed to be having sex with bananas. Wait. Do you really think she hooked up with OUR Rob? They are so different. Sometimes opposites attract. You know what, though? I feel like I'm ready to do it. You know, like, have sex for the first time. It's a big deal. I know. Just make sure you've found the right person. You know, Adelie penguins, they spend their whole lives looking for that one other penguin. And when they meet them, they know. And they spend the rest of their lives together. But I'm not a penguin. SAM: It's an analogy. (Giggles) Excuse me. I have to go die now. SYDNEY ON PA: Hey, kids, Sydney here. Bad news about the prom. East Glen East is going to do 'Millennium' too. (Students express disbelief and dismay) What? Oh, my God. (Students continue complaining) SAM: Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Sit! OK, let's focus, all right? It's prom theme. All we need is a new idea. ANITA: Oh! How about 'Under the Sea'? (Students protest) How about the '80s? (Students jeer and boo) Do you think we're amateurs? All right. All right...Josie. That's not a theme. Thank you. Ah, no. OK, Josie will have the answer. Ah, ah, h-how about 'Meant For Each Other - Famous Couples Throughout History'? SILENCE Absolutely. (Laughs) Absolutely. (Students applaud and cheer) Oh, that was so brilliant. SONG: # Here comes a sign in the form of a girl # She's the finest, sweetest thing in the world # Ah-ha Take you to heaven tonight # Hear the horses coming galloping in the summer rain # Take you to heaven tonight # 'Cause I love you # For what you are # I'll gallop to you # Tonight, tonight will do # Tonight, I'll give it to you # We'll go together tonight # Tonight... # Here, try these. JOSIE ON PHONE: Gus, it IS a great story. They keep the tags on then they return the clothes after they've worn them. LINE GOES DEAD Gus? Hi. Hey. I was just looking at this cardigan. Ooh. Isn't it cool? # We'll go together tonight... # Oh, my God. Like, there goes another lemming. # I can't believe that I could be happy # Summer will come again I could be happy # Oh, stop your crying You could be happy # I go to heaven when you make me happy. # (Girls cheer) Go! Go, Rob. Go, sexy boy. You guys - victory dance. ROB: Party - tonight at my house. CHEERING Yeah! Yeah! That was great, Rob. Great play. You might be just what South Glen needs to win State this year. You think I'll play, coach? Play? You'll start shortstop. Hate to put extra pressure on you but pro-scouts will be looking. Thanks, Coach Romano. You're welcome. Just glad to be part of a team again. Josie, you have totally transitioned. Transitioned? Yeah, you crossed over. Into our group. It's so hard to do. People try for years to transition and never make it. Wannabes. Guy is totally crunching on you. Do I want to be crunched? By Guy? BOTH: Oh, yeah. FUNKY ROCK MUSIC WOMAN: Josie. Hi. Splendiferous? Totally. I'm not going to her again. She calls it a pedicure... LINE DISCONNECTS She wants me. (Sobs loudly) Fine, 'bye. Miss Haskell is gone and forgotten. Next. Sack races at the company picnic - yes or no? Sorry I'm late. I love that top. Thank you. The horseshoe - it's all about.. Excuse me. I'm trying to get to a tennis game. What is the status of your story, Miss Geller? Oh, um, great. Totally rufus. Is there something I possibly could see? Ah... I have some notes. (Sighs) I don't need your notes. I need your story. Though, I must speak for all of us here. I have seen your tapes - compelling stuff. But...I want the story in two weeks. Two weeks, Miss Geller, or I'll rufus you right out of here. I think you'll be a great reporter, but if you aren't... you and Gus are fired. (Whacks table) Next order of business - marketing department, yes or no? ROLLICKING PIANO MUSIC CARS REV, GENERAL SHOUTING LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING Hello, you guys. Hi. Hi. I'm Rob's prom date. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, she's 16 years old, Rob. I know - and a gymnast. Rob, it's completely and totally illegal. I'll tell you why - the reasons are... Hi. Hi. Um, I've got to talk to you. Please, come here. See you around the cell block, Mrs Robinson. Hey, Rob. What do you want to be when you grow up? Ball-player. No, I know. But, I mean, what if you don't make it? I mean, you don't want to work at the mail place all your life. It's OK for an after-school job, but..."Hi, I'm Rob and I run the Tiki Post"? (Laughs) Totally lame. (Laughs) GUY: Is this a lemon meringue pie colour or something? (Laughs) It's ah... Eugh. Oh, you know what? Maybe we should go into another room. I've checked each and every one of these rooms, there are serious couples in there. This is fine. This is fine. Someone's getting hooked up. Yeah, baby. (Guy laughs) Wow. Rob's sister is a loser. You know... Um, please come here. I need to talk to you about something. It's a comfy bed. OK. Feel it, it's nice, it's nice. Um... I know that you've probably already heard that I want to ask you out to the prom, but, ah... there's something different about asking in person. I know we didn't hit it off in the beginning. And, ah, I really... Yes. Yes. That's rufus. Ah, where do I pick you up? How do we arrange this? What do I do? We can meet here, at Rob's. And we can all share a limousine together. Thank you. Have a good evening. And thank you. CHEERY ROMANTIC MUSIC Hey! Hey, Rob. ROB: Looking good, guys. Josie, Robster ` rufus. You're wasted. This is so unbelievable. I've waited my whole life to fit in and I finally feel like I do. Hey, Rob. Hey. Hi, Josie. Who did Archie date - Betty or Veronica? Both. See? I always liked Betty better. Really? Yeah. Betty was so fun and spunky. I mean, Veronica had great legs but she was too moody. Very high maintenance. Oh. You can't refuse to sell me a prom ticket. Listen, Alpo, we can do whatever we want to. I get it, you guys don't know how to count change. I'll make it easy - here's the money, I'm taking the ticket. Oh, my God. She was mocking us. Did you see that? We've got to make her dog food. She is going down. Oh, I got you a meeting with the admissions guy from Dartmouth. Dartmouth? But, um... I wasn't going to go to college. I pulled some strings - got him to look at your writing. He agreed to meet with you. You believe in me that much? Of course I do, Josie. You owe it to yourself - to your writing - to go to college. You are a great writer. You just have to find your story. He is your story. You're crazy. No. No. No. What do you mean, no? It's got it all - sex, intrigue, immorality in the education system. He's my teacher. Yeah, that's the best part. 'Student/Teacher Relations - How Close Is Too Close?' We'll blow the lid off it. There is no lid. There is nothing going on between S... Mr Coulson and me. Who are you kidding? Everyone's in here every day watching you two. It's like 'The Young and the Restless'. Rigfort is salivating over it. You pitched this to Rigfort?! Josie, this isn't a joke. You heard Rigfort, both our asses are on the line. Now, this is the story. Call me when you've got it. DOORBELL RINGS ROB: Josie, you look so... Rufus? Yes, exactly - major rufus. What are you supposed to be? Duh! Tom Cruise - 'Risky Business'. (Laughs) That's nice. Thank you for everything, Rob. It's all really happening. And I know it's because of you. My wallet. Shit. Where are you going to put it? Come on, beautiful. Let's go. LOUD ROCK MUSIC Yeah! Hey, how you doing? If you don't hurry, we'll miss the whole thing. We'll talk. Oh, my God. You totally ripped off my Malibu Barbie idea. Uh-uh. I'm Disco Barbie. And I'm Evening Gown Barbie. Hey. Oh, Josie darling, you look rufus. Who are you guys? Wait - don't tell me. You're Medieval Barbie? Get over it. We're Rosalind and Orlando. Shakespeare? Look, I get to have a sword. Oh, my God! That is so awesome! That is so rad. Sharp. I want a sword. ROB: Look at this place. JOSIE: It's beautiful. Let's dance. Look - Tom Cruise. MUSIC PLAYS This is the most beautiful prom I've been to. (Sings) Work, work, work. Been working, work, work. Thanks. Kristin, what are you doing? Practising my surprised face for when they name prom court. Oh, sorry, there's no room at this table. It's just too bad for them. (Laughs) Oh, wait. I forgot. A little surprise for you. Did I miss the crowning? No, but I'm closing the pool soon. Josie's odds are 3-1, 2-1 for prom court, even money Guy pokes himself with the sword. UP-BEAT POP MUSIC Whoa! (Giggles) OK, maybe we should sit down. Are you having fun yet? Ah, yeah. Definitely. Good. Guess what? What? Gibby gave me champagne. That's nice. Yeah. Rob. I've been thinking. And I think... I mean, I know... You're the one. Oh. (Giggles) My penguin. I want you to be my first. Once the floor stops spinning, let's have sex! You're going to hurt yourself. Put that down. All right, um... Tell you what, Tracy... What? I'm flattered... but, um... I'm going to go and get some more punch and then we'll go on the dance floor and boogie. Oh, that's good. No. Uh-oh. Help, I'm stuck. Brett! LOUD MUSIC, CROWD CHEERING Guys, what is the one thing that could ruin my senior prom? That you would trip on your Barbie heels and I'd be named prom queen. Did I say that out loud? Whoo-hoo. Who are you supposed to be? Other than freaks? Yeah. We're DNA - double helix. But I guess you'd know that if you passed bio. No, no, no. Don't touch the hydrogen, it's rented. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mr Coulson and Ms Knox. CROWD CHEERS LOUDLY OK, OK. Enough. Well, our 1999 prom court. And the princesses are... Miss Kristin Davis... CROWD CHEERS ...Miss Kirsten Liosis and Miss Gibby Zerefski. CROWD CHEERS AND WHISTLES And the princes are... Mr Thomas Salomme... CROWD CHEERS AND HOLLERS ...Mr Jason May... and Mr Rob... Mr Rob. (Shouts) Mr Rob! CROWD CHEERS LOUDLY Yeah! All right! CHEERING CONTINUES Next up... South Glen's prom king - Guy Perkins. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Very nice. And this year's prom queen. Ladies and gentlemen... Josie Geller. LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE (Shouts) Yeah! Ahh! APPLAUSE CONTINUES Whoo! Knew you could do it, girl. Whoo! Yeah! And, as is custom, the king and queen will have their first dance. THE CARDIGANS' 'ERASE AND REWIND' I never made it to my prom. Really? I only made it to the parking lot. (Laughs) Tell me what you're thinking. I was thinking about Shakespeare. How he described a night like this. "Look how the floor of heaven "Is thick inlaid with patinas of bright gold." What are you thinking about? My sword. Oh. (Laughs) Josie, you rock my world. You're, like, the most amazing girl that I've ever dated. You're so fun to be with - you're smart, you're crazy. You are... You rock my world. You said that already. Yeah. # 'Cause I've been changing my mind # I've changed my mind. # Is this chocolate? OK. Hey. Hi. Josie, you make a really beautiful prom queen. Really? Yeah. Thanks, so do you. (Laughs) I always feel like a goofball in these penguin suits - like I'm at my own wedding or something. Do you, ah... do you want to...? OK. Hello. Aldys, I figured since it's prom, let's put all the shit behind us. And I would love nothing more than to dance with you. All right. That's, of course, if it's OK with the rest of the double helix. Yes? OK. SONG: # Let me get what I want # This time # Haven't had a dream # In a long time # See the life I've had... # It's funny, proms always make me a little sad. They're so final. You know, graduation - everyone scattering and moving on. Is your girlfriend here? No. No, I'm alone. In fact, um... we broke up last week. Really? That's funny, because you know, actually, 'prom' comes from 'promenade' and you can't promenade alone, can you? You're amazing, Josie Geller. SLOW MUSIC # Good times for a change... # Have you thought about Dartmouth any more? Yes. And, um...there's something that I want to tell you. MONITORING DEVICE CEASES TRANSMISSION (All protest) Tell them to wait! No, no, no - not now, not now. Josie, there's something I want to tell you too. # Lord knows # It would be the first time... # SLOW MELANCHOLY MUSIC MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES (Screams) No. No. DOG FOOD SQUELCHES FROM TIN (Girls squeal) (Laughs) I knew it, you ARE a loser. You ruined everything. You so do not deserve to be prom queen. Let me tell you something. CROWN CLATTERS ON FLOOR I don't care about being your stupid prom queen. I'm 25 years old. I'm an undercover reporter for the 'Chicago Sun-Times'. And I've been beating my brains out trying to impress you people. Let me tell you something, Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important. Why her? Let me tell you something about this girl. She is unbelievable. I was new here, and she befriended me - no questions asked. But you were only my friend after my brother, Rob, posed as a student and told you to like me. Robby Rob? Ooh. All of you people, there is a big world out there - bigger than prom, bigger than high school. And...it won't matter if you were the prom queen or the...the quarterback of the football team or...the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it. (Sobs) Excuse me. APPLAUSE Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Wow, that was just like 'Carrie'. I thought she was going to kill us all. All right, you guys. Go, Rams. MAN ON MICROPHONE: Well, all right. Can somebody take the Alpo girls outside and hose them off? (Students laugh) South Glen class of 1999, are you ready to party? (Students cheer) Hello. We lost the feed. Gus is going nuts, he's calling every five minutes. Did you get the story? No. Please tell me you got something on Coulson. No. I-I...I'm just going to... So... surprise! Surprise you were doing a story on me? No, I couldn't. I mean, surprise, I was hoping... What? You were hoping that I'd be happy? Why, because, all of a sudden, I'm allowed to be attracted to you? You were attracted to me? Josie! You set me up for a story. No, I-I... Just... just drop the act. OK? I mean, every word out of your mouth has been a complete lie. I don't know you at all. If we could just spend some time together, you could get to know me again. Wait. Please don't walk away. I just can't look at you the same way. MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC Rob. Hey, Josie. I came to check on you. I was worried about you. Really? No...not really. Not really, Josie. How could you do this to me? I helped you get everything you wanted and how do you repay me? You blow everything two days before the championship. I-I...I wasn't even thinking. No, you weren't. Did it ever occur to you that the only time I've been happy in the past five years is when I'm playing ball, when I'm part of a team? Josie, it's not even about playing. I taught those guys things - I helped them. My life had meaning. I... Just forget about it. It's over. Back to the Tiki Post - "totally lame". GUS: 'Josie Geller Blows Her Cover'. And we were scooped. We've got nothing. Zippo. Josie, you totally and completely screwed both of us. Maybe`Maybe I could talk to Rigfort - tell him the whole story. I'll tell you a story, OK? It's about this shy copyeditor who makes a total mockery of herself and her boss when she completely botches her first assignment as a reporter. We are not... screwed. Yes, I made a mistake, but we will have a story, OK? You will have an amazing story. Please. Oh, please, oh, please. SONG: # I wanna feel # Something sweeter than this sun... # Excuse me, gentlemen. I suggest you cover up what you don't want seen. Thank you. Coach Romano. Yeah. I'm Josie Geller from the 'Chicago Sun-Times'. I have a favour to ask you. Do you know Jim Lincoln? Sure, everybody knows Big Jim. They want him to watch all the games. Why? Well, what if I told you that I could guarantee Big Jim and every other reporter around would cover your game? I'd say you could have whatever you wanted, young lady. OK. (Giggles) JOSIE: Someone once told me that to write well, you have to write what you know. This is what I know. I'm 25 years old and I have never really kissed a guy. A geek to the core, most of my childhood years were spent doing extra homework I requested from the teacher. High school was more of the same. Then, at 17, it seemed as if my luck was about to change - the cutest guy asked me to the senior prom. But it turned out he invited me as a cruel joke and I have never fully recovered. Yes, it is embarrassing to share this with the world, but it would be hard to explain what I learned and how I learned it without sharing this humiliating history. I received an assignment, my first as a reporter, to go back to high school and find out about kids today. What I ended up finding was myself, and that high school hasn't changed. There's still that one teacher who marches to her own drummer. Those girls are still there - the ones, that even as you grow up, remain the most beautiful girls you've ever seen close up. The smart kids, who everyone else knew as 'the brains', but I just knew them as my soul mates, my teachers, my friends. And there's still that one guy with his mysterious confidence, who seems so perfect in every way. The guy you get up and go to school for in the morning. South Glen would not have been the same without him. High school would not have been the same without him. I would not have been the same without him. I lived a lifetime of regret after my first high school experience, and now, after my second, my regrets are down to one. A certain teacher was hurt on my path to self-discovery. And although this article may serve as a step, it in no way makes up for what I did to him. To this man - you know who you are - I am so sorry. And I would like to add one more thing... KNOCK AT DOOR MAN: Movers. Hang on a second. I think I am in love with you. And so, I propose this - as an ending to this article, and perhaps a beginning to the next chapter of my life, I, Josie Geller, will be at the State Championship baseball game, where my friends, the South Glen Rams, are playing for the title. I'll stand on the pitcher's mound for the five minutes prior to the first pitch. If this man accepts my apology, I ask him to come kiss me, for my first real kiss. (Reporters call to Josie) Thank you all for coming. (Anita whispers) Josie! Oh, my God. There's so many people here. It's great, Josie, they're behind you. They feel like they know you. It's romantic what you're doing. They want to be involved. Well, I'm glad you guys are. Oh, Anita! (Laughs) Sweet Jesus! I had no idea there'd be so many TV crews here. You've held up your end of this bargain. Now, get out there and get 'em. SLAP! (Crowd chants) Go. Go. Go. (Crowd cheers and applauds) (Cheering continues) WOMAN: Josie! We love you. Thank you. Um, may I have five minutes on the clock, please? (Crowd hoots and hollers) Hi. Hi, Cynthia. Wieners - I've got hot wieners. Hi, Mr Rigfort. (Bangs cane on ground) Get your own row. I've got wieners here. Thank you, Gus. Have a wiener. Thank you. I love this. 'Sun-Times' readers out here en masse - relating personally to one of our reporters. It's amazing. (Crowd cheers loudly) SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC MUSIC BUILDS IN INTENSITY MUSIC SLOWS TO A MELANCHOLY TUNE (Muted cheering from crowd) MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES That is so wrong. SLOW, SORROWFUL MUSIC (Crowd loudly cheers and applauds) CHEERFUL UP-TEMPO MUSIC (Crowd screams and cheers) CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES SONG: # Well, it's been building up inside of me # For I don't know how long # I don't know why # But I keep thinking something's bound to go wrong # But she looks in my eyes # That makes me realise # And she says # Don't worry, baby # Everything will turn out all right # Don't worry, baby... # Sorry I'm late. It took me forever to get here. I know what you mean. # She makes me come alive # It makes me want to cry # When she says # Don't worry, baby # Everything will turn out all right # Don't worry, baby # Ooh-oo. # All right! Attagirl. All right, let's play ball, kids. Come on. # She told me, "Baby, when you reach the end # "Just take a long, long look at you # "And if you knew how much I loved you # "Baby, nothing could go wrong with you" # What she does to me # When she makes love to me
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