1 (TYRES SCREECHING) D-OHH! (SCREAMS) ('GET SMART' THEME MUSIC PLAYS) (GRUNTS) Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 (QUIETLY): CALL THE POLICE. (LOUD WHISPER): I NEED CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR. (LOUD WHISPER): NO CHANGE WITHOUT PURCHASE. WHAT'S THE CHEAPEST THING YOU'VE GOT? A TWO-OUNCE BAG OF CHIPS. $5.99. (LOUD WHISPER): $5.99?! WHAT A RIP-OFF! SOMEONE SHOULD SHOOT YOU! OH, I WAS HOPING WE'D MISS THE 3:00 HOLD-UP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR DINNER NOW. MAYBE WE COULD SHOP SOMEWHERE ELSE. THERE'S A FARM STAND NEXT DOOR. (CHICKEN CLUCKING) INTERESTING. IT'S LIKE A CORN DOG WITHOUT THE DOG. PUT WHATEVER YOU WANT IN THIS BURLAP SACK. YOU MAY NOT. THAT'S MY BABY CARRIER. THEY SO TRAUMATIZED, I'M TAKIN' THEM FOR A WALK IN THEY STROLLER. (CHILDREN YELLING) (CHILDREN JABBERING) WELL, I THINK THIS FAMILY SHOULD TRY MORE VEGETARIAN MEALS. WE'D FEEL BETTER AND LIVE LONGER. VEGETABLES, YOU'VE BEEN PROMOTED FROM SIDE DISH TO ENTREE. (BATMAN THEME MUSIC PLAYS) (CRUNCHING) I DON'T MISS MEAT AT ALL. THIS PORTOBELLO MUSHROOM EATS LIKE A STEAK. A RUBBERY, FUNGUS-LIKE STEAK. MMM. (GROWLING) OH, MARGE, I'M GIVING BIRTH TO A FOOD BABY. (GROWLING) OH. I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING CRAWLED INSIDE ME AND TOOK A CRAP. BART, DON'T USE THAT WORD... (GROWLING) OH, CRAP. (GAGGING) (MUSIC TUNE PLAYS) (RETCHING) I BROUGHT YOU SOME WEAK TEA AND DRY TOAST. NO FAIR. LISA DIDN'T GET SICK. IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR BODIES ARE SO USED TO PROCESSED FOOD, IT'S A SHOCK WHEN YOU EAT VEGETABLES FULL OF VITAMINS, MINERALS AND TRACE AMOUNTS OF BUG FAECES. MM. I THINK IT'S STAYING DOWN. IT'S STAYING DOWN. (GAGS) IT'S NOT STAYING DOWN. WAIT. YUP, IT'S STAYING DOWN. OH, NO, IT'S NOT. YES, IT IS. NO, IT'S NOT. YUP. NO. YUP. NO. YUP. NO. YUP, NO, YUP, NO, YUP, NO. STOP IT. YOU'LL ALL FEEL BETTER IF YOU GET A LITTLE SLEEP. NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES. (SIGHS) (SLEEPY MUTTERING) (GASPS) WHERE'S MY BUCKET? OH. # HUSH, LITTLE BABY, DON'T SAY A WORD # # MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A MOCKINGBIRD # # AND IF THAT MOCKINGBIRD DON'T SING # (HOMER SIGHS HAPPILY) (HUMMING) # AND IF THAT DIAMOND RING TURNS BRASS # # MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A LOOKING GLASS... # HOMER: LISA SINGS SO SWEETLY, AND BART IS MY PILLOW. EVERYONE'S GOOD FOR SOMETHING. (YAWNING) (MUNCHING NOISILY) LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE ON THE MEND. YEAH, 'CAUSE WE'RE THROUGH WITH VEGETABLES. FROM NOW ON, I'M ONLY EATING FOOD THAT I KNOW HAD A SOUL. (MUNCHING NOISILY) KRUSTY (ON TV): HEY, HEY, KIDS. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A SINGING SENSATION? A DYNAMITE VOICE? RUTHLESS, PUSHY PARENTS? A VOID IN YOUR SELF-ESTEEM THAT CAN ONLY BE FILLED BY APPLAUSE? OH, GOD, I KNOW THAT VOID. THEN YOU WERE BORN TO ENTER KRUSTY'S LI'L STARMAKER SINGING COMPETITION. ANNOUNCER: NOT AFFILIATED WITH AMERICAN IDOL. WE'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF AMERICAN IDOL. THE WINNER WILL BE ANIMATED INTO AN ITCHY AND SCRATCHY CARTOON. SO ENTER TODAY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A FUNNY-LOOKING KID WHO DOESN'T KNOW HE SUCKS. I'M-A COMIN', KRUSTY. LISA, YOU SHOULD ENTER THAT CONTEST. YOU'VE GOT A GREAT VOICE. IT MADE US ALL FEEL BETTER. THANKS, BART. THAT'S REALLY SWEET. (SIGHS) I THINK I PUKED UP ALL OF MY MEANNESS. OW! PRAISE THE LORD! I'M ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY. KRUSTY: ALL RIGHT, KIDS, LET'S DO THIS QUICK. AFTER THIS, I GOT TO RECORD 27 SEASONS OF DVD COMMENTARIES, AND I REMEMBER NOTHING. TODAY, WE'LL PICK THE LUCKY CHILDREN WHO WILL GET TO COMPETE ON THE AIR. I WAS GOING TO BE YOUR CELEBRITY JUDGE, BUT THEN I REALIZED I'D HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION. SO INSTEAD, WE'LL USE THE APPLAUSE-O-METER. HUH? HUH? NOW, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH! (LAUGHS) (MOANS) (TO THE TUNE OF "TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR") # A-B-C-D-E-F-G # # HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE. # THANK YOU. (SPARSE CLAPPING) I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO DATE HIM. LIS, YOU'RE A SHOO-IN. (PIANO PLAYS BLUESY INTRO) # HUSH, LITTLE BABY, DON'T SAY A WORD # # MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A MOCKINGBIRD # THAT'S GONNA SING # # YES, IT IS, Y'ALL # (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) # AND IF THAT MOCKINGBIRD DON'T SING # # MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A DIAMOND RING # # THAT'S GONNA SHINE # # SHINE # # OH, IT SHINES SO BRIGHT. # (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) LISA, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FANCIER VERSION OF THE SONG YOU'RE GOING TO SING. AND SHE'S GIVING US THE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME. (SOBBING) OH, THANK YOU FOR THIS ANGEL, LORD. # YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... # # NO. # (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (CROWD CHEERING) THIS CONTEST IS MOOT. A LI'L STAR HAS BEEN MADE. WHEN SHE SINGS A "C," IT'S A "C." UNLIKE A CERTAIN GLEE CLUB I'VE WASTED MY LIFE ON. I MAY NOT KNOW MUCH, BUT I DO KNOW TALENT WHEN MY PRODUCERS POINT IT OUT TO ME. WE HAVE OUR FIRST CONTESTANT: CLARISSA WELLINGTON! (SIGHS): THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO BEAT HER. WHY? JUST BECAUSE SHE SINGS LIKE WHITNEY HOUSTON BROUGHT TO LIFE? HOMER: DON'T LOSE HOPE, SWEETIE. I'M GOING TO WRITE YOU A SONG SO GREAT, YOU CAN'T LOSE. AND THAT'S NOT JUST THE BEER TALKING. YOUR FATHER'S IN HERE, TOO. (PIANO PLAYING) # WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN... # WHICH ONE ARE YOU, THE MAN OR THE WOMAN? QUESTIONING THE KID'S SEXUALITY-- WELL DONE. (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) (HOMER PANTING) HERE YOU GO, HONEY. SING THIS. HOW DID YOU WRITE A SONG SO QUICKLY? MUCH OF THE TUNE IS PLAGIARIZED. NOW GO, GO, GO. (PIANO PLAYS GENTLE MELODY) # I'VE BEEN TO PARIS AND LONDON AND TOKYO TOWN # # BUT ONE CRAZY BURG HAS 'EM ALL BEAT HANDS DOWN... # JACKSONVILLE? # I'M TALKIN' SPRINGFIELD # # YOU CAN BUY CHIMICHANGAS # # TALKIN' SPRINGFIELD # # THE CHICKS HAVE BIG GAZONGAS? # # THERE'S TYRES ON FIRE # # A GUY NAMED APU # # AND SKINNER, AND GRANDPA # # AND OL' DISCO STU # DID I FORGET TO MENTION YOU? YOU?! THAT'S ME! # I'M TALKIN' SPRINGFIELD # # WHERE NOBODY SUCKS # # EXCEPT FOR FLANDERS. # (CHEERING) (MACHINE BEEPING AND CLATTERING) (SCREAMS) I GET IT, I GET IT. SHE'S GOOD. LOOKS LIKE THEY LOVE YOU, KID, AND THE AUDIENCE IS ALWAYS RIGHT. I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT MY STOCKBROKER. (LAUGHS) (MAN COUGHS) AH, WHAT DO YOU JERKS KNOW? THAT'S A QUALITY JOKE. (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) YOU DID IT, SWEETIE. NO, WE DID IT, DAD. HOMER (TO SELF): SHE'S RIGHT, IT WAS ALL ME. I REALLY DO LIKE WORKING WITH YOU, DAD. WILL YOU KEEP HELPING ME? OF COURSE, SWEETIE. YOU AND I ARE GOING TO WRITE AND SING OUR WAY OUT OF THIS GODFORSAKEN HELLHOLE. BUT YOUR SONG SAID YOU LIKED SPRINGFIELD. I WROTE IT ABOUT SHELBYVILLE, THEN CHANGED THE NAMES. LISA (ASCENDING SCALE): # LA, LA, LA # # LA, LA, LA, LA, LA... # GOOD JOB, SWEETIE. EVERY TIME YOU HIT THAT NOTE, I'LL SHOOT A GLASS WITH MY BB GUN. I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR TAKING SUCH AN INTEREST IN ME, DAD. HONEY, OUR TIME TOGETHER IS PRECIOUS TO ME. I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING, BUT I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO BE AROUND MUCH LONGER. REALLY? WHAT'S WRONG? WELL, MOE'S GETTING A BIG SCREEN TV IN FEBRUARY, JUST IN TIME FOR THE PRO BOWL. MAYBE THIS TIME MY BELOVED BLUE SHIRTS WILL WIN. IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET A GREEN SPOTLIGHT? SORRY, SWEETIE, WE DON'T HAVE GREEN. LET DADDY GO TALK TO THE MAN. (HUMMING) MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU? (BLOW LANDING, HOMER GRUNTS) HMM. IS THAT GREEN ENOUGH FOR YOU, SWEETIE? 'CAUSE I CAN MAKE IT GREENER. NO, IT'S FINE. # ALAS, MY LOVE # # YOU DO ME WRONG # # TO CAST ME OFF DISCOURTEOUSLY... # (GIRLS SQUEALING) THAT'S CAMERON. GIRLS GO CRAZY OVER HIM. HE'S CUTE, UNTHREATENING, AND HIS SMILE BROUGHT A PUPPY BACK TO LIFE. (GIRLS SQUEALING) DON'T WORRY, HONEY. THE SONG I WROTE YOU IS SO SCHMALTZY, IT'LL MAKE "MOON RIVER" SOUND LIKE A FARTING ORANG-UTAN. # MY KITTY DIED # # ON CHRISTMAS EVE # # DADDY TOLD ME TO BE BRAVE # # BUT INSTEAD OF SINGING CAROLS # # I WAS DIGGING SNOWBALL'S GRAVE... # (ALL SOBBING) OH, GOD, I MISS LISA'S CAT SO MUCH. ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS. EVERY WEEK, WE ELIMINATE ONE CONTESTANT BASED ON THE VOTES CAST BY YOU, THE AUDIENCE. ANNOUNCER: DISCLAIMER: ALL BALLOTS WERE LOST AND VOTE TOTALS MADE UP. THE FIRST CONTESTANT ELIMINATED IS... KATIE ANDERSON. (SOBBING) (CHUCKLING) KATIE, YOU WERE THE FIRST VICTIM OF THE BUZZ COLA TRAPDOOR. FALL INTO THE FLAVOUR HOLE! AND THE NEXT CONTESTANT TO BE ELIMINATED IS... CLARISSA. (SOBBING) YEAH, IT'S YOU, HONEY. PLEASE DON'T CRY. KEEP CRYING. IT'S DYNAMITE. (INHALES DEEPLY) SWEETIE, TONIGHT, YOU WERE PERFECT. MARGE, LISA AND I WERE JUST DISCUSSING HOW TO IMPROVE TONIGHT'S PERFORMANCE. NOW YOU'RE CONFUSING HER BY TELLING HER SHE WAS PERFECT. MR. SIMPSON, I BROUGHT THOSE TWIZZLERS YOU ASKED FOR. MY LITTLE GIRL LIKES RED VINES! - GET OUT OF HERE. - (SHRIEKING) HE'S CRAZY. HEY, THESE ARE RED VINES. HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE. DADDY GOT YOU YOUR CANDY. HOMIE, I'M WORRIED YOU'RE TURNING INTO SOME KIND OF SUPER-CUCKOO STAGE MOTHER. YEAH. FOR ONCE, COULDN'T YOU JUST TURN INTO A GOOD FATHER? WOULD THAT BE SO HARD? HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK. LIVING THROUGH LISA IS THE HEALTHIEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. BUT, DAD, YOU DON'T NEED TO HELP ME BY HUMILIATING PEOPLE. (LAUGHS) YOU LOVE SAUSAGE, BUT YOU HATE TO SEE IT GETTING MADE. I DON'T LOVE SAUSAGE. THEN WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT GETTING MADE? DAD... YOU'RE FIRED. FIRED? ME? EVERYTHING I DID, I DID FOR YOU. (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) 1 DAD, I'M SORRY YOU'RE HURT, BUT YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE. YOU WERE OBNOXIOUS AT A LEVEL NOT EVEN PERMITTED IN SHOW BUSINESS. DO YOU KNOW THE HOURS I WORKED? THE PEOPLE I HAD TO YELL AT? THE TYRES I HAD TO SLASH? NO ONE ASKED YOU TO YELL AND SLASH! IT'S CALLED SCHMOOZING! BART, YOU WANT TO GO TO THE VIDEO ARCADE? HELL, I'LL EVEN GO SHOE SHOPPING. HEY, COME BACK! I'M CALMING DOWN! WE'LL HAVE FAMILY FUN! FAMILY FUN! HEY, EVERYBODY, I BROUGHT A GUEST. SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES MY IN-YOUR-FACE MANAGEMENT STYLE. (SUCKING) HA. SMART MOVE. SOON THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE LINING UP TO SUCK MY NOSE. AFTER I MAKE MY NEW CLIENT A STAR. # HEY, SIMPSON FAMILY. # HOW CAN I TOUCH YOUR HEARTS TONIGHT? (GROANS) YOU'RE WORKING WITH CAMERON NOW? HIS NAME ISN'T CAMERON ANYMORE. HE'S NOW "JOHNNY RAINBOW." MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT THAT... I'M NOT MR. SIMPSON. THAT SHIP HAS SAILED. I'M COLONEL COOL. AND I'M THE CAPTAIN ON THIS ROCKET TO THE STARS. SO, ARE YOU A COLONEL OR A CAPTAIN? NEITHER. I'M BOTH. ALL RIGHT, I WANNA TEACH YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT JAZZ HANDS. (SCATTING) NOW DON'T STOP TILL IT'S AS NATURAL AS BREATHING. DAD LOOKS SO HAPPY. ACTUALLY, I THINK YOUR FATHER'S STILL UPSET ABOUT THE WAY THINGS WENT DOWN. MARGE. BART. MAGGIE. SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER. (SOBS): LISA. DAD, I DON'T WANT THINGS TO BE AWFUL BETWEEN US. I MADE YOU SOME COOKIES. I DON'T THINK COOKIES ARE GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. OH. OH, GOD. OH, MMM. OH, THEY'RE DELICIOUS. OH, I'M SO HAPPY. OH, GOD, THEY'RE... THEY'RE GONE. (MOANS) LISA: HI. THIS LIGHTING'S A LITTLE BRIGHT. AND UM, COULD I GET A RED WASH IN THE BACKGROUND? UH, SORRY, HON, THIS IS ALL WE GOT. WHO'S NEXT? HOMER: WE ARE. OKAY MORTY, GIMME A ROSE-COLOURED SPOT, TIGHT TO MID-CHEST AND AN AQUA BACKGROUND WITH AN ASTRONAUT ON A SURFBOARD. SURE THING, MR. S. LISA, UM, AT THE END OF YOUR SONG, REMEMBER TO LOOK INTO THE SPOTLIGHT. IT MAKES YOUR EYES TWINKLE. OH, THANKS, DAD. UH, YOU'RE WELCOME. THIS IS OUR FINAL NIGHT. 30 CONTESTANTS HAVE ALREADY FALLEN THROUGH OUR BUZZ COLA TRAPDOOR. (CHILDREN MOANING) GIRL: LET US OUT. HEY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CLEAN THIS OUT EVERY NIGHT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, TALK TO YOUR SHOP STEWARD? EH... NOW LET'S WELCOME THE FIRST OF OUR TWO FINALISTS, LISA SIMPSON. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. I DIDN'T HAVE MY USUAL SONGWRITER TONIGHT. SO I TOOK A STAB AT WRITING MY OWN SONG. SOMETHING THAT EXPRESSES WHAT'S REALLY IN MY HEART. BERNIE, IF YOU PLEASE. # I'M IN THE FINAL TWO # # I SHOULD BE HAPPY # # BUT ALL I WANT TO DO # # IS SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY PAPPY # # NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE, DAD # # I MISS YOU SO MUCH # # AND YOUR THREATS AGAINST TEAMSTERS # # AND TECHIES AND SUCH # # YOUR MANAGEMENT STYLE IS LIKE ATTILA THE HUN # # YOU WERE VICIOUS, MALICIOUS # # BUT YOU GOT THE JOB DONE # # I'M SORRY I HURT YOU # # BUT PLEASE DON'T BE SAD # # YOU'RE NO LONGER MY COACH # # BUT YOU'RE ALWAYS MY DAD. # (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (KRUSTY SOBBING) EVEN THE APPLAUSE-O-METER IS CRYING. OH, GOD, THAT'S BATTERY ACID. (YELLING IN PAIN) DAD, YOU KNOW THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN THE TIME WE'VE SPENT TOGETHER. I DON'T CARE IF I WIN, JUST AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN MY CORNER AGAIN. I ALWAYS WAS, HONEY. LOOK. CAMERON'S ABOUT TO SING THE SONG I WROTE FOR HIM. (CHUCKLING) HE'S ABOUT TO LEARN THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS: DON'T TRUST PEOPLE IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS. (UPBEAT TUNE PLAYING) # I'M A PRIVILEGED BOY # # IT'S GREAT, I GOTTA TELL YA # # A PRIVILEGED BOY # # MY DAD CAN BUY AND SELL YA # # IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER # # THAT YOU'RE ON THE LIST IN FRONT OF ME # # I'M GONNA GET YOUR TABLE # # 'CAUSE I ALWAYS TIP THE MAITRE D' # # AND THEN I'LL GO TO YALE # # BECAUSE I AM A LEGACY # (IMITATES AL JOLSON): # I'M BETTER THAN YOU. # (AUDIENCE BOOING) YOU SUCK, JOHNNY RAINBOW. (MOANS): I BELIEVED IN YOU. (GRUNTS) (CAMERON SOBBING) (GASPS) YOU SABOTAGED CAMERON FOR ME. SURE DID. I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, HONEY. ESPECIALLY IF IT'S EASY. WELL, I THINK YOU'RE THE SWEETEST DAD IN THE WHOLE WORLD. (GRUNTS) I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE. NOT EVEN DEATH WILL STOP ME. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) NOW YOU'RE GETTING CREEPY. HOW 'BOUT I LOVE YOU, HONEY. GOOD. (SCATTING) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016