1 www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 Welcome to the University of Ithaca. This is it right here. This is what we're talking about. I'm gonna give you a good tour today, show you as much as you need to know, plus a whole lot more, actually. So, this is the main area of the university. You'll be getting used to this area. This is where you congregate with your friends and classmates. Come in around me, everyone. Come in around me, OK? Keep close. Don't straggle. I've had problems with stragglers before, OK? They get lost, they get hit by trucks. OK? It's not pretty. It's not pretty when it happens. By the way, this is the Joseph H Nelson memorial library here. OK? It was, uh... it was built in the, uh... in the 1600s. 1600s? It says 1951. SNIGGERING Yeah, that's the address. OK, wise ass? That's the psychology department. Each semester, you'll be expected to volunteer for some cutting-edge experimental testing. Kinda cool. Just a tip, when it's your turn, remember to wear loose clothes, no metal, and be prepared to receive several heavy doses of electric current. They're watching us right now. Over there is the department of English. I see most of you speak English already, so we can skip that one. How long have you been going to school here? Eight years. CHUCKLING You don't seem to know anything about it here. This is the worst tour ever. This is the worst school ever. I mean, doesn't anything cool ever happen here? Yeah, cool stuff happens here. This is the coolest place in the world. That's because he's probably never been anywhere else. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha (!) Go ahead, laugh. Laugh all you want. But the fact of the matter is this is the setting for the greatest story ever told. OK? It's about this guy I knew, Josh Parker, and his girlfriend, Tiffany. And it's one of the most fascinating journeys ever. Josh and Tiffany were always together, starting from when they were really little. They did everything as a team. Once, when Tiffany was 10 years old, she had her tonsils taken out. Josh stayed in the hospital for three straight days. They were best friends. And eventually, what started out as friendship blossomed into some serious French kissing and lots of heavy petting. You know, they spent so much time together that even their dogs started dating. They seemed destined to be together forever. But after high school, they faced their most challenging challenge ever ` a long-distance relationship. See, unfortunately, while Josh was enrolled here at the wonderful University of Ithaca, Tiffany went off to veterinary school in Austin, Texas. But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other, to talk every day and maintain an exclusive relationship. But that turned out to be more difficult than either of them had ever imagined. Tiffany! Hey, baby. Oh my God. You were amazing last night. I never ever came like that before. Come on. Seriously. I had to take two birth control pills this morning. You wanna help me study again tonight? Forget tonight. Come over now. Let's blow this class off. (GASPS) Tiffany and Carla can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message. (BEEP) Hey, Tiff, it's me... again. Uh, just wondering where you are. Still trying to get a hold of you. Um, everything's cool, though, and I'm sure I'll catch you later. But, uh, call me back, OK? OK, bye. I just wanted to add something before I sent this video off. I haven't talked to you in a few days and, uh, I'm starting to think you don't like me any more. I'm kidding. Hey, guys. But, uh, I'm getting a little worried, so gimme a call when you get a chance. OK? Uh-uh-uh. Barry says hi. So give me a call as soon as you can, OK? I miss you. Call me, OK? Bye. (LAUGHS) What's up, guys? Not much. You? Nothing. I was just finishing my tape to Tiffany. Hey, Mitch. What are you doing, huh? Are you hungry? Huh? Are you gonna feed him? No, I'm checking the temperature inside his cage. He needs 85 degrees to survive. Can I drop a mouse in? Sorry. Mitch only eats once a week. Maybe we could cut a mouse in half, and we could feed him half now and the other half on Saturday. I don't think so. I thought you had class now. What time is it? Oh shit. Uh, can you do me a favour? When this is done rewinding, will you drop it in the mail for me? No problem. Just leave it there. Thanks, man. I'll see you guys later? Bye! Can we please feed him now? No. If you overfeed him, he could die. So? It'll be worth it. Josh! Beth! Hey, what's going on? Not much. Where have you been? Nowhere. I mean, you know, just studying a lot. I'm starting to question this whole college thing. No-one told me there was going to be this much reading involved. Right. Yeah. Oh, you going to EL's tonight? Yeah, I'll be there. I gotta run. My class started, like, uh, five minutes ago. OK. I'll see you... tonight. Yeah. Sorry. Um, tonight. So, you have a thing for that guy now? Is that it? It's none of your business, Jacob. I can just tell you like him, that's all. I'm not having this conversation again. What conversation? You need to stop all this. OK? You and I are not a couple. We've never been a couple, and we will never be one. This week, I'd like you to think about Plato's dialogues of the middle years, ie, The Republic. Phaedo, Symposium. Now, this will all be on next week's midterm, so I suggest you read up on it. Uh, Jacob, do you have anything to add? Just a reminder. The midterm will cover all of the in-class lectures as well as all of the assigned readings. It will be entirely essay form, so bring legal pads. I prefer yellow. It's easier on the eyes. OK. OK? Yeah. Thank you, Jacob. And see you all next week for the midterm. Josh. Yes. I saw you hitting on Beth. Not a good idea. She's spoken for. What? She'll come back to me. They always do. So,... Mr Parker, do you intend to be ready for this exam? Yes, sir. Well, you better be ready, because I was looking over the books last night, and you need a B on this test just to pass this class. Actually, I double checked that, Professor. He needs a B plus. We're not gonna be able to bend on this. Yeah, I got it. Just copy off someone. I can't. It's all essays and stuff. If I fail this class, my average is shot. I could not be allowed back next semester. Well, you're fucked, then. You might as well come to my party tonight, hook up with Beth and at least enjoy your last week of college. I'm not hooking up with anyone. I made a commitment to Tiffany. I'm invested in this relationship. Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one evening of consensual sex with that girl. Look, I've gone this long without cheating. I think I can hold out. You're already cheating. Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself. Think about it. You're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day. I gotta make a call. You pass this up, it'll haunt you for the rest of your days. Your dick will never forgive you. What do you think, little man? Don't you ever wanna experience something new? HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: It ain't easy being Josh's penis. We've been here over two months now, and I feel like I'm in a coma or something. Stop it. I wish I was your dick, cos this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna pack up my balls and leave. Enough. Hello? Uh, Carla, hi, it's Josh. I'm sorry to bother you. Is Tiffany around? Tiffany is not here. She didn't sleep here last night... again. And it would be great if one hour went by when you didn't call. Right. If she wanted to talk to you, she'd call you. Deal with it. What a bitch! Does she sound hot? We've never gone this long without talking. Something is definitely wrong. Yeah, she found someone else, just like you should do. The clock is ticking, my man. Before you know it, you're gonna be 40, and you're gonna have to pay for these kind of girls. LIVE MUSIC/CHATTER # Yeah, wouldn't give me the time of day. # Forgive my occupation, my constellation. # We could get together in the milky way. # Everybody wants to know somebody. # And everyone wants to drop your name. # You need no reservation, no special invitation, # no college education, if you've got fortune and fame... # Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo! I should really warn you, though, it's been known to severely affect your decision-making abilities and lowers your inhibitions. Good. Uh, that's the plan. No, that's... Yes, that is the plan. Did you bring some cash? Why? We've got chicks for sale. What? # Hey, now I'm snapping, got my mojo tracking # Trust me, I've been going to this school for seven years, and I know the key to a well-rounded college education is experimentation. Here, let me show you. This is an auction. Now, remember, you are not buying the girl, you are buying her company. In no way does a sale constitute sexual relations. Ohh! I know. I know. Believe me, I've tried. So, anyway, without further ado, let's introduce you to our first, uh, person. Laura! Laura's from Long Island. Her favourite colour is blue. She likes the outdoors, and she loves good seafood. OK. Let's start the opening bidding at $5. $3.50. Good God, moneybags, she's not a happy meal. ALL LAUGH $5. OK, we've got five. Do I hear 10? 10 bucks! Blblblblblblblb. Who's got 15? 15 bucks for a lovely evening with Laura. $15. OK, we got 15. 15. Going once, going twice. Sold to the captain. There you are! Hey! What's going on? Oh, not much. You look great. Oh, thank you. Um, listen, Jacob's here, and he's a total psycho. Can you go outbid him? You know what? Uh, I didn't bring that much money with me. Oh, no. You don't understand. He's obsessed with me. See? It's fun, right? OK. OK. Now, I want you two to kiss each other. All right. Has anyone seen Beth? Uh-oh, there she is. APPLAUSE Say hi to the crowd, Beth. Hi. Can I hear a $5 opening bid for the beautiful Beth? $5 right here. Who can beat 5? 6! 7! $10. $10. Going once, going twice. $15! 20. 25! 25. Who could beat 25? Going once, going twice. 26. 26 going once. 30! OK, can anyone beat $26? I just said 30. There's gotta be someone out there who can beat $26. Me, right here! 30! Sold! To my man, Josh, for $26. You heard me. I bid $30 loud and clear. Your bid didn't count. Why? Because you're a TA. So? So this auction is for students only. Goodbye. R&B MUSIC (GIGGLES) Thanks for doing that. I owe you one. You owe me more than one. Do I? Technically. Well, are you ready to collect? I think so, yeah. We're touching. It's a lot of fun. We're having a good time. GENTLE MUSIC Who's Tiffany Henderson? It's just some girl I used to date since I was, like, 5, but, uh, that's over now. She blew me off. Oh, poor baby. You must be very hurt. Do you need some special attention? Well, I am pretty upset. Did that help? That helped a lot. I have an idea. What do you say? Oh, I don't think so. Come on. It'll be fun. I've always wanted to try this. No. Yes. I'm gonna interview you. Fine. OK. OK. Josh. Yes. What do you look for in a girl? Well, let's see. She should be smart and funny and... That's good too. Do you feel better yet? I feel a little bit better, yeah. A little bit. What else do you look for? She should be, um, attractive and nice and... topless. And topless. Um,... and she should kiss me. What else? She shouldn't stop kissing me. Why don't you keep doing that? TOM GREEN'S 'THE TINY SALMON SONG' # Tiny salmon swimming in a stream. # Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream. # The mynah bird says (SQUAWKS) # The chimpanzee says (SCREECHES) # The friendly owl says (HOOTS) # But the salmon can only say # blblblblblblblblblblblblbl. # And it's sad. # (SINGS) # Good morning, everyone, da-da-na-na. # Good morning, everyone. How are you and you and you? What are you so happy about? I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning? Well, you're bouncing around. You're like you're Richard fucking Simmons. Yeah, you do seem unusually light-hearted today, Josh. Huh. Maybe it's cos I had the best time of my life last night. Twice. And once this morning. You and Beth? Oh, yeah. Shut up. What happened? No way. You're lying. I'm not lying. You can't make out with someone, then pretend you had sex with them. That's really uncool. I'm not pretending. Forget it. I know you're lying. I guarantee he's lying. Do you want a bet? Great. I'm gonna bet money on something you can't prove? You videotaped it! No, no, no. I didn't. I didn't. Gimme that. EL, gimme that. No way. This is amazing. I was kidding. I was kidding. Just give it back to me, OK? Give me the tape. Come on, Josh. We're all gonna see it sooner or later. Huh? Huh? He's got a point. Oh, no! Oh, no! Uh-oh! No, give it to me. EL, no! Josh, please. We need this. OK, listen. Seriously, you can never tell anyone you saw this. Oh, yeah. OK. OK. Barry, hit the lights. It's... boner time. Hey, Tiff. It's me coming to you live from Ithaca, New York. I thought I asked you to mail this yesterday. Yeah, you did. It was on your desk. I mailed it today. Fast forward to the horny stuff. Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany? Oh my God. # It's you... # Oh, fuck! Oh God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh God! Oh Fuck! W-W-W-Wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany. Yes! Shit! Oh no! Oh no! Hey. Hey. What? Did you make a copy? Cos if you made a copy, we could watch the copy. PHONE RINGS Don't answer it! Hey, it's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message. Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany. Sorry we haven't spoken. Um, listen, my grandfather passed away. I've tried calling you a few times, but no-one picked up. I didn't wanna leave this message on your machine. But, uh, by now you're probably a little worried, so... Anyway, I'm at my parents' house, helping my mom out. She's really a wreck. If I don't speak with you, I'll call you Monday when I'm back in school. I'll be OK. I just need some time. Bye. I love you. (HANGS UP) That's not fair. How come she gets to see the tape and we don't? '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' 1 (MAN) THINKS: 'Man, Steve is really smelly. 'Oh, sort that out. 'He smells like a teenager's watch band. 'I look like Tintin. He's cool ` Tintin. 'How do you tell a guy he smells? Do you have a smell intervention? 'Maybe just wait for his birthday and just go, 'Happy birthday, Steve!' CAR HONKS 'Ooh, sorry! 'And for a present you give him a deodorant and say, "Oh, here's a nice necklace. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! CAR RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY 1 She gets back there Monday. That leaves me three days to get there. Get where? Austin? That's like 10,000 miles from here. 1800. You wanna drive 1800 miles in three days? Just fly. Do you have money for a ticket? I don't. Alright, so we're driving. You're coming? What else am I gonna do? Stay here and learn? Road trip. Just a minute! Hold on! He's probably jacking off. What do you guys want? Kyle, this is an emergency. Wait. Let me at least go back and call my dad. Call your dad? Would you listen to yourself? You're 19 years old, and you're a fucking sissy. All you ever do is sit in the library with those exchange students. It's pathetic. No, no. What he's trying to say is this is your chance to do something for once in your life. Be a risk taker. Come with us. You guys are just saying that because you want my car. No. No, we've always liked you. Or you can just give us the car, Kyle. I mean, that'd make him a risk taker, right? Shut up. He's coming with us. Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun. Aren't you even curious where we're going? No. OK. We're going to the University of Austin. You sure you don't wanna come with us? I never really liked Massachusetts. Austin's in Texas, not Massachusetts. I think you're thinking of Boston. You've never left this town, have you? No, not really. You should look into that. That could turn into a debilitating phobia. Yeah, OK, I'll do that. Hey, can I feed Mitch? Yes, actually, you can. You can feed him, but not till tomorrow. There's a brown box of mice next to his cage. Give him one tomorrow. And no messing around, OK? Just one. Yeah, I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow, OK? Yeah. You can count on me. OK? I'm reliable. OK? You guys do good, OK? Have a good trip. Safe trip. Safe journeys. Buckle up your seat belt. I'm gonna feed the snake. I'm gonna feed the snake for you. So, off they went. They had 1800 miles to go and only three days to do it. It was a killer journey to say the least, and it was one that changed them all forever. The end. So, we're gonna go look over here now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's it? This story sucks. That can't be the whole story. What happened with the tape? Right. The tape. Well, um,... well, like I said, they were on a race against time. # Mr E's Beautiful Blues ` The Eels # # The smoke stack spittin' black soot into the sooty sky. # The load on the road brings a tear to the Indian's eye... # Since we didn't get to see the tape, can you at least describe it to us? No. # The elephant won't forget what it's like inside his cage. # The ringmaster's telecaster sings on an empty stage... # At least admit that Beth is amazing. I admit it. She's amazing. She's perfect. I don't know why you feel so guilty. Technically, you haven't cheated you haven't cheated on Tiffany anyway. What are you talking about? Well, there are these rules that guys have. An understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation, for example. (LAUGHS) It's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state. That makes no sense. Hey, don't look at me, Kyle. OK? I didn't make up the rules. No, this is legit. I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them. they're like loopholes. Right? For argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time. It wouldn't be cheating, because they would cancel each other out. Oh! Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember, it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place. OK, I've got one. Are you ready? It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter over your testicles and let your dog lick it off. Ohh! Because it's your dog. Jesus Christ! You know, because it's your dog. No, yeah, yeah, we got it. # Uh-huh, goddamn right, it's a beautiful day. # Uh-huh, goddamn right, it's a... # Somebody's going to die tomorrow. That's right. One of you is marked for death. MICE SQUEAK And first thing tomorrow morning, the chosen one will experience nature's wrath in all its fury. (SINGS DIRGE) Who are you? I'm Beth. Are you here for the feeding? Excuse me? You're early. It's not till tomorrow. You should come back. It's gonna be a bloodbath. I think I'll pass. Have you seen Josh? He went to visit his girlfriend. Tiffany? I thought they broke up. I mean this girl who's a friend of his. You know what I mean. Where did he go? Austin? Austin, Massachusetts? You mean Boston, Massachusetts? Yeah, that's what I said. Boston. The University of Boston in Massachusetts. 1 He is such an asshole. I can't believe he just lied to my face like that. I actually thought he liked me. How could he do that? Wait, she was standing around topless? Girls just don't stand around naked. Uh, yeah, they do, OK? This is my story. Do you wanna hear it or not? It just doesn't make any` Shh, please. No interruptions. OK? So this other girl walks up, totally hot. Naked. Really naked. I know guys can be jerks. I guess I just thought Josh was different. I liked him. Sweetie, listen to me, OK? They're all the same. All men are perverted pigs. All they think about, all they really care about is sex. You're so right. You should go to Boston and bust his ass. Right. Confront him and his little girlfriend. Hmm. Ooh, these too. Kyle, come here for a second. Look, we're a little short on cash right now, so we're gonna need to put this on your credit card. We'll give you the cash when we get back. I promise. I can't. It's my dad's. It's for emergencies only. Hello? This is an emergency. We need this stuff. You want us to sleep in the dirt? # I'm freakin' you, baby, drivin' you crazy. When I get to your place, # I wanna turn up the highs and turn up the bass. # Well, I'd say we're officially in no-man's-land. We've been on this road for over an hour. This is gonna save us five hours, minimum. So you can thank me later, Josh. OK? Maybe we should just turn around and go back to the interstate. We're not going back. Have some faith, Kyle. It's supposed to be a challenge. That's why they call it a short-cut. If it was easy, it would just be the way. Damn it! Fuck! Yeah, I give us about 20 minutes before our first ass raping. What do we do now? If we turn around, we'll lose five hours just backtracking. Turn around? Why, because of this? We can make it. Make it? You mean jump it? No. Absolutely not. No way. We're going back. It can be done. This incline here is 30 degrees, roughly, right? The factory weight of the car is 1600lbs. Add our weight plus cargo ` we're talking 2100lbs. No. No. If we hit this thing at 50mph, our trajectory will clear 10 feet. Easy. No way. Absolutely not. Kyle, we'll go 60 just to be certain. We're going back. This is impossible. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. With physics, I'm always sure. Yes. I'm driving. I don't think you guys heard me! This is my car, and we're not gonna be jumping over any rivers! Kyle, it's 10ft. Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart. Look, I can spit across this gap. Yeah,... well,... better make it 75. OK. Let's do it. Trust me, Kyle. It's science. No, you guys! No. EL, get out of my car. Kyle, in the car! Come on! We're OK. You know we need to hit 60, right? I'm trying. This car sucks. Stop! Whoo! ALL: Argh! Thank you! Yes! What did I tell you? Oh my God. Oh my God. My father is going to kill me when he finds out about this. I only said we'd make it across. I never said anything about the wheels staying on. What the hell are we gonna do now? I'm totally screwed! I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now! Josh, Josh, look. Look, we're gonna call a tow truck, we'll have the axles fixed. We'll probably lose half a day at most. It'll be fine. It's just the wheels. The minute I think I feel something for someone, they turn around and screw me over. Thank you. Just... something about Josh. He's just different. I mean, I feel like we had a connection. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy. You shouldn't. Honey, the last time I trusted a man was back in 1985, and he took off with my sister and my van. And it was a regular-size van ` that was before they started making that minivan crap. So there's no hope, huh? Oh, there's hope, but it comes with batteries. BUZZING You can keep that. God. Crap. Listen, guys, we're gonna have to be more careful. We almost died in that explosion back there. I wish I'd died. I'm serious. I can't die young. Something tells me the people of Earth are gonna need me. I must live. Yeah, right. We all must live. Before we do that, we must figure out how to get back on the road. We shouldn't be going to sleep right now. PHONE RINGS Let's just lay in the indication here and there. And some little shadow areas, but you don't want a whole bunch of colour. PHONE RINGS CONTINUOUSLY Excuse me? I'm sorry, do you need to get that? Do you need something? Yeah. Um, this is sort of an unusual question, but do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? Our car exploded last night, and I'm practically all out of my own. Am I a drug dealer? No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though. No? OK, that's OK. Thanks. Is there anything else I can help you with? Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old prostitute sent to your room. We can do that. Or maybe we can off someone for you. Huh? How does that sound? I've got it. Why don't we start small? Would you like a fresh towel? Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it. Dick. By the way, Cheech, that credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out, so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet. Um, Mr Earl Edwards? I'm sorry, sir, this card's over its limit. That's not true. Run along and put it through your little machine again. I ran it through three times, sir. It keeps telling me you're over your limit. If you have another card, I'd be more than happy to` Don't give me any attitude, son. You hear me? Now, you go fix that little toy back there, and you charge this frigging meal to that frigging card! Now, we've been coming here for 20 years! We've only been open eight years, sir. Do it now. Relax. It's not that a big deal. OK. You don't seem to understand me. When Josh finds out about this, he's gonna freak. I mean, you can't rent a car without a credit card. You just can't. So... So what are we gonna do? Tell you what. Stay here, take him out for breakfast or something. I'll go take care of this. Earl, Cookie, we have a situation. Now, brace yourselves. The police have found Kyle's car abandoned way down in Bedford, Pennsylvania. It's been blown to bits. We checked with the university, and he's not there. He's missing. Mother of God. Good morning. Hello. Hi, how can I help you? Yeah, hi. I was sent over here to check out bus 111, and I'm afraid I have some bad news. You seem to be having problems with the... rotator splint. Engines have rotator splints? Yeah. She runs good now, but not for long. I can have it back to you as good as new in less than a week. Let's see. Jared's still in Aliquippa. I take it he called you from there? Yep. Five days. Well, I think we can work that out. Could you please not feed my dog? I didn't. You did so. You can't feed seeing eye dogs treats like that. They're specially trained. So I'd appreciate it if you just left him alone. Don't roll your eyes at me. French toast. Bacon. Good for you. And the scrambled eggs. Excuse me, but this has powdered sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar. I really can't have too much sugar in the morning. Oh, I'm sorry. Look at that. You're absolutely right. I'll tell you what, let me take this back and bring you out a new piece. All right. Great. Everybody good? OK, great. You know where are my books and all my possessions are? Cos I can't really find... Wait, no, they were in the car, the car that blew up. That's right. That's hilarious. All right. Let me warm that up for you. All right, there you go. (FARTS) Excuse me. And, uh, your French toast'll be up in just a minute. OK, thank you. OK, great. French toast, no sugar. All right? Sorry about that. No problem. Thank you. That's a nice guy. It's good. 1 TYRES SCREECH OK. I don't even wanna know how you got this. I stole it from a blind chick. I said I didn't wanna know. What? I'm gonna give it back. Probably. WEEN'S 'VOODOO LADY' # Voodoo lady, shakin' that stick and drivin' me crazy. # Doing that stuff that you do. # Messin' me up with your voodoo. # You drive me crazy with that boogie-oogie-oogie-oogie... # TRUCK HORN BLARES # Boogie. Boogie. Boogie. # Your lips are hot and spicy. # Servin' up red beans and rice. # At midnight she's a-humpin' and stompin', # makin' love to the gators in the swampin'. # Can we please stop soon? I need to use the bathroom. Actually, I don't have to go yet, so we'll stop in a couple hours. OK. I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop. Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself every once in a while. Be a little more assertive. OK. What's your deal, anyway? Why are you so worried all the time? I don't know. I guess it's my dad. He's, like, strict. He really is gonna kill me when he finds out about that car. So you screwed up. Big deal, man. People make mistakes. He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked anyways. I really do need to go to the bathroom. We're making a pit stop. What, again? MOUSE SQUEAKS You're about to experience first-hand exactly what it means to be in the lower region of nature's food chain. Mitch is going to bite into you. He's going to squeeze. He'll actually start digesting you while you're still alive. But don't be scared. No, no, no. It'll be a quick death. Be brave. You'll barely feel it. Come on. Come on. You gonna fuckin' eat him? Josh, wait up a second. This is supposed to be a road trip. All we're doing is driving the whole time. It's ridiculous. No-one forced you to come along, man. First off, we're making great time here. Secondly, if Tiffany did see that tape, it'd be the best thing that ever happened to you. What is that supposed to mean? Beth is like an angel. She's here to help you change your life. Besides, did Tiffany ever let you videotape her? I think not. It's a sign, Josh. PHONE RINGS Hello? Professor Anderson? Who's calling? Hi, Professor. It's Josh Parker. DEEP VOICE: Oh, uh, yeah. Hello, uh, Josh. Uh, what can I do for you? Uh, well, I was in a car accident, sir. Oh. Oh my God. No. I'm OK. It's just, um, well, I'm in kind of a bind. All my notes and books were destroyed. So I was wondering if it was possible to get an extension? Maybe take the midterm a couple of days later? Oh, sure. Yes. It sounds like an emergency. Uh, how about an extra three days? Uh, how does that sound? Would that work? Yeah, wow, that would be fantastic. Are you sure? I'm just glad you're not hurt. I'm marking it down right now. Oh, that is so great, Professor. Thank you. Uh, I'll see you soon. OK, goodbye. Oh, who was that? Oh, that was, uh, Josh Parker. Oh, yeah? What did he want? He was just calling to confirm the date of the exam. Such a worrier. It's going to be OK. I'll find him. And we'll find whoever did this, I promise. It's gonna be OK. If I had to guess, I'd say somebody was raped and murdered here last night. What the hell gives you that idea? I don't know. It's just a feeling. Well? Nothing yet. Good thing is there's no evidence of a struggle. No blood or clothing, anything like that, and we haven't found a single drop of semen yet. Hi. I'm, um, visiting my friend from home, although she doesn't know I'm coming. It's a surprise. Oh, how nice. Uh, how can I help you? Oh, uh, well, I've never been here before. I don't know where she lives. What's her name? I can look it up in the student directory. Oh, OK. Uh, Tiffany Henderson. Do I know you? No, you don't. Actually, I know your boyfriend. OK. Who are you? I'm Beth. Um, could we just sit down for a minute? OK. Um,... this is really hard for me, but it's definitely something you should hear. Your boyfriend's cheating on you... with me. We were together Thursday night. Twice. And once again Friday morning. I thought you should know. Argh! Argh! I'm sorry. Tiffany! Tiffany, what the hell are you doing? Who's that guy? That's her boyfriend. That's her boyfriend? Yep. He's been cheating on her. (GRUNTS AND GROANS) I-I-I'm sorry, but you have the most beautiful feet. Would you like a foot massage? No, I would not like a foot massage. As a matter of fact, I would hate a foot massage! OK, I'm sorry. Relax. Are there any guys out there who are just normal? Huh? Unleash the fury, Mitch. Unleash the fury. Come on, Mitch. Eat him. Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy. He's right there. Kill him. Maim him. Bite him. Unleash the fury! Wow, this is cool. I've never been in a fraternity house before. Is this gonna work? Of course it's gonna work. I know the handshake and everything. Hi. Hi. Can I help you? Yeah. My name's Rubin Carver. I'm a Xi Chi brother from the Ithaca University chapter. My friends and I were just passing through here, and we're looking for a place to party, maybe even a place to crash. Xi. Chi. Xi. Chi. Xi, Xi, Xi. Chi. Hmm! You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. They've been on the sauce. Your party! They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS I like it. 1 Wow. CHATTER Uh, everyone, this is Rubin. Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity brother from our, uh, Ithaca chapter. These are his friends. Listen, uh, apparently, we've interrupted your dinner, so we're just gonna... Hey, don't be crazy. Listen, there's plenty of food to go around. All right? You guys are more than welcome to stay. You know, this food's actually pretty good. Hey, you do realise this is a national black fraternity? They know you're not a member. I'm sorry. I don't think about that kind of stuff. OK, relax. OK? They're just messing with us. Now way. They're pissed because he lied. I say we get the hell out of here. Shh. Relax. Someone's got some serious explaining to do. Yeah, look what we found in this guy's duffle bag. What? What is that? No. I've never seen that before in my life. What are you guys doing here? Huh? Are you in the Ku Klux Klan? Whoa, whoa. That is not ours. That is not mine. OK. OK. Hold on. Hold on a minute. There's obviously some explanation for this. Yeah, there is. See, your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's gonna die. Kyle? Kyle? Kyle. There you are. I thought we lost you there for a minute. Am I in the hospital? You passed out. They were messing with us, Kyle. It was a joke. Racist? But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day. It was a joke, Howdy. A joke. Yeah, I get it. Sure. Put a Klan hood in my bag. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. I need a wine cooler. Hey, have mine. Thanks. RUN-DMC'S 'IT'S TRICKY' # It's tricky to rock a rhyme. To rock a rhyme that's right on time, # it's tricky. # It's tricky. # Tricky, tricky, tricky. # It's tricky to rock a rhyme. To rock a rhyme that's right on time, # it's tricky. # Tr-tr-tr-tricky. # Tricky, tricky. # I met this little girly. Her hair was kinda curly. # Went to her house and bust her out, I had to leave real early. # These girls are really sleazy. All they just say is, 'Please me.' # Or spend some time and rock a rhyme. I said, 'It's not that easy'. # It's tricky to rock a rhyme. To rock a rhyme that's right on time, # it's tricky. # It's tricky. # Tricky, tricky, tricky. # It's tricky to rock a rhyme. To rock a rhyme it's right on time, # it's tricky, # In New York the people talk and try to make us rhyme. # They really hawk, but we just walk, # because we have no time. And in the city, it's a pity, # cos we just can't hide. # Tinted windows don't mean nothin', they know who's inside. # It's tricky to rock a rhyme. To rock a rhyme that's right on time, # it's tricky. Tricky, tricky, tricky... # Isn't he just the cutest little thing? Oh, yeah. Kyle's the man. # Tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky. # Huh. # You mean never? Not even once? Well, I mean, I've had sex before. Just, um, never with a person. Right. Well, I think that's kinda cool. You do? Yeah. I mean, you should hold out. It should be special. Wait till you're in love. I think I love you. You are so cute. # Inside each other. # You can see inside me. # Will you come inside me? # Do you wanna ride inside my love? # You can see inside me. # Will you come inside me? # Do you wanna ride? # I take it you don't have a condom? Uh,... no. I guess I'm all out. Well, Lawrence probably has some. Why don't you try that drawer? Next to the Old Spice, behind the belts. Good guess. You know what? Um, I don't exactly... know what I'm doing and, um,... I'm... Oof! Shh. Relax, baby. Let Rhonda handle this. # Times are changin' # more so each year, # but the early mornin', # still my pimp is here. # so let it rain, # and let the guitar rock... # Thanks. I had a great time. Take care. Stay cool. Hey, Devon. What's up? Let's go, Kyle. We want details. What happened? Well, we had a few drinks. Danced a little and, um,... you know. No, we don't know. Why don't you tell us? What the hell is that? Did you kill a cheetah? What? No, these are her underwear. She gave 'em to me. Eurgh! Don't! I boinked her! Boinked? Yeah, wait. Did you just say the word 'boinked'? Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got all the boinking out of your system, cos we got a lot of driving to do today, guys. But do not get your hopes up about visiting Graceland, because we are all about the mission at hand. Josh? What? That sounds like a really good plan, except for one little thing. What little thing? We're out of money. Before you fill out these forms, I need to ask a few questions, and then if you qualify, you can make a sperm deposit. Is that understood? Mm-hm. Fire away. Now, be honest, because if you don't tell the truth, the test will, and you won't get paid. So first off, have any of you done any drugs in the past 36 hours? And that includes marijuana. (GROANS) OK, next. Have any of you had sex or masturbated in the past 24 hours? Well, I guess I'm out,... because I had sex last night... with a girl. (GRUNTS) That's nice. 1 I think you'll find everything you need right here in these binders. Why don't you each take a cup? And here's yours. And I would appreciate it if you could return those back to the front desk after you're finished. OK. Uh, thanks. Cheers. Excuse me, do you have anything with Asian women? I have this thing for Asian chicks, and there seem to be none in this binder. Sorry, uh, this isn't Peep World. Our selection is rather limited. You're gonna have to make do. OK, no problem. You've been more than helpful. Is something wrong? Well, no. But I just... I couldn't help but notice that... Is there something between us? I mean, I was thinking that maybe you might want to, I don't know, help me out with a little... professional assistance? Do you need some help? Yes, I do. The moment I saw you out there, I thought you were incredible. I mean, you're not like most of the girls I know. You're a real woman. That's fine. Could you turn around, drop your pants, put both hands flat on the table? (LAUGHS) Oh my God. This is great. Wow. Like this? Exactly. (SIGHS) I have to admit, I love you in that uniform. Do those nylons go all the way up, or are they like those thigh-high kind? I'm gonna perform a procedure on you called milking the prostate. It's an anally-induced ejaculation. (Anal?) You're gonna feel a strong pressure on the prostate from inside your rectum. Come on, now, you don't have to get scientific on me, baby. I mean, we can just talk... Wah! Oh, wah! Ooh! Stop! OK, keep doing it. Yeah! Ah, right there! Argh! Ooh! Argh! Oh my God! Ooh! OK. All done. That was... awesome. Wait, wait. Does that work? I mean, is it even medically possible? Oh, yeah, it works. It works like a charm. But back to our story. It was Sunday morning when things suddenly took an unexpected turn. Look at me, I'm a mouse. I'm a mouse. Eat me, eat me, eat me, eat me, eat me, eat me! Eat me, eat me, eat me, eat me! Come on. You better eat him, Mitch, before I do. He's tasty. He's tasty, Mitch. Why did you lie to me? I didn't lie. You told me that Josh went to Boston. No, I didn't. I said Austin. You said Boston. Because of you, some guy's life is ruined in Boston. So what? Besides, what's the difference? Wherever he went, he went because of you. What do you mean, because of me? Look, it's obvious. Josh likes you. It's disgusting. I knew you'd come back. What do you want? So, how was your getaway with Josh? I wasn't with Josh. Sure. Doesn't matter, though, because Josh won't be back next semester. He's about to flunk philosophy. What are you talking about? See, he thinks that he has an extension on the midterm, but thanks to a certain someone ` me ` he doesn't. He's such an idiot. You are a psycho. Argh! Oh my God! # I wanna rock, # rock. # 'Turn it down', you say. All I got to say to you is time and time again, I say no. # No, no, no, no, no. # Tell me not to play, well, all I got to say to you when you tell me not to play, I say no. # No, no, no, no, no. # So if you ask me why I like the way I play it, # there's only one thing I can say to you ` # I wanna rock. # Rock. # I wanna rock, rock. # I want to rock. Rock. # 'That night, I set the guys up at my grandparents' house for a place to crash. 'I haven't been to my grandparents' house in a long time. When I was 7 years old, 'I set their dog on fire, and I haven't been invited back. But I hear it's still real nice.' I'm serious. 'Please.' 'Thank you.' 'This is delicious.' Those are the only words you're allowed to say. OK? What? I'm great with old people. Grandmas love me. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Manilow? Barry's last name is Manilow? Yeah. His name is Barry Manilow? Yeah. ALL: Hi! Oh my goodness. Look at you boys. Jack, they're here! # I see you, baby, shakin' that ass, # shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass. # Jack, Barry's friends are here. Come say hi. The boys are here. Oh, hey, fellas. Hi. Hey, how's it going? Right, well, let me get up, and I'll give you guys the full tour. Oh, honey, careful! Your boner. What do you want me to do? Cut it off? I'll tell you what, fellas, we'll start the tour by me showing you where you're gonna sleep. Let me show you what we call the guest room. Come on. Follow me, boys. The guest room, if you please! Excuse me. You remember this kid? No. Sure don't. All right. Let me ask you once more. Have you seen my son? Ow. Now that you mention it, there were a few guys in here. If you loosen my arm, I could get their bill for you. Use your other arm. How many were there? I don't know. A few. Argh! Four! One of them was in here trying to score drugs. Honey, look. They made two calls to Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there. Having a smoke? Uh,... yep. Yeah. I can't sleep either. Goddamn Viagra gets my heart racing like a lab rat. (CHUCKLES) Are you OK? You look kind of goofy. No, no, it's nothin'. Come on, out with it. OK, well,... I almost died two days ago. What? Our car exploded. Yeah, I could be dead right now. And since that happened, I find myself asking why? You know? Like... what is my reason for living? Are you going to pass that doobie or what? Doobie? Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Thanks. You know what your problem is? You're all brains, not enough cock and balls. Actually, people have been telling me that my whole life, believe it or not. When I was in the 6th grade, I got so worried about the escalating situation in Iraq that they put me on an adult dosage of Xanax. And by 8th grade, I was in therapy three times a week. The truth is, weed is the only thing that could ever balance me out. You know what I mean? Like... You OK over there? Hey, old man. I got the fuckin' munchies real bad. How about you? OK, Tiffany, it's time to stop being so sad. Look at all this mail you got. Look how many nice people care about you. You even got a package from Josh. Really? Shall we open it and see what he sent? Yeah, come on. Let's open it. It's a tape. Well, pop it in. Maybe I should watch this on my own. Oh, come on. This'll definitely cheer you up. What do you look for in a girl? Um,... well, let's see. She should be smart and funny and, uh,... that's good too. What else do you look for? Um,... she should be attractive and topless. And she should... kiss me. Bye-bye. You boys be good now. Bye-bye. I'll tell Barry you said hello. Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes right now. # Amour. # I built a lovin' machine. # I bow all night long. # I built a lovin' machine. I bow all night long. # I put the $2 in. # Three on fought frowned. # Grab a hold of my drummer, baby. # Everybody, watch out. # Yeah. # Excuse me. www.episodetwo... /spoilers, back slash... OK. Look, some people are here, and they are being very rude. OK, call you back. I'm sorry, but we need your help. Do you know Tiffany Henderson? Room 109. Yeah. Um, her grandfather died and she asked me to pick up her mail for her. Oh. How sad. Do you have the key? Well, she didn't bring it to the funeral, so I was hoping that you could` Oh, I'm sorry, but you need the key. Don't worry. Her mail will be here. Safe and sound. It's not like that. You see, she needs something. This is an emergency. Let's not make a big deal out of it. OK? Well, it's not a big deal, but you need the key. Rules are rules. No one's asking you to do anything wrong here, man. Just, you know, look away. Go have an Eskimo pie or something. You guys are gonna have to leave. OK? We're not leaving without that mail. I suggest you listen to the man before you get some Jackie Chan happening on your face. Come on, fellas, let's go. Right now. That means now, asshole. Oh! Jesus! I think he broke my nose. Oh God. Come on, Susie. You're a wrestler? You bet, Mary. You want a go? Oh God! Let me see it. All right. Who's my bitch? Who's my bitch? OK, everyone, freeze. This here is pepper spray, and we will not hesitate to use it. These guys jumped me. I was just sitting behind my desk. Kyle! Dad? Freeze right now. Everybody, freeze. Put the weapon down now. For Christ's sake, my son was kidnapped. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who was...? Who was kidnapped? I wasn't kidnapped. These are my friends from school. What are you talking about? We all drove down here together. What? Then explain to me how the frigging car got blown to hell. Well, see` It was stolen. That's right. It was stolen. Tell him, Kyle. Wasn't it? Uh-huh. Exactly. Stolen? What about the damn credit card? It was in the glove compartment, and that was stolen too. Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why didn't you tell us where you were? Because I knew you'd get mad. See ` look how mad you are. I'm not mad! Come on. You're going with me. Josh? Tiffany! What the...? What's going on? Nothin'. Damn, dude, she is hot. BEEPING My girlfriend's paging me. Can we let these people go? It's a good idea. I like him. No one is going anywhere. Bullshit, junior. He's coming with me. Get off of me. I'm going back with these guys. You shut your mouth and you don't talk back to me. Why don't you shut up? What the hell did you just say to me? I said, 'You shut up'. All my life you've been telling me to stand up for myself. Well, now I am. Just leave me alone, you jerk! Why, you ungrateful little...! Go away! Go away! What was that all about? I mean, Josh, what are you doing here? I just miss ya, that's all. Well, I miss you too, but it's crazy for you to drive all the way over here because you miss me. What? I thought you'd be glad to see me. I am glad to see you but Josh, you have your entire life to live up at school. This isn't healthy. Besides, I realised a few things this past week, you know? You did? Like what? Like... we're in college. The window of opportunity to go out and have fun and meet new people is getting smaller by the day. It is? Come on, Josh. We've been together forever. I mean, you're pretty much the only guy I've ever been with. What do you mean, 'pretty much the only guy'? Well, I was 14 and you were away at camp. But that was years ago. Besides, we were in different area codes. Huh. You know what? I've been thinking a lot about us too. PHONE RINGS The real reason I drove down here, actually... Hold that thought. Hello? Yeah, he's right here. Who is this? Hold on. It's for you. It's Beth. Who's Beth? Uh,... Beth? What are you doing? Look, I'm not really sure what's going on between us, but I need to tell you something. I'm actually glad you called, cos I wanted to tell you something. OK, you first. I can't really talk about it right now, but I promise I'll explain everything when I get back. OK? Really. I promise. I got to get going, though. OK? Wait! Wait. Don't you wanna hear mine? Right. Sorry. Is it good? Not really. Jacob lied to you. There's no extension on your midterm. What? He tried to trick you. If you don't get back, you're gonna fail. Oh shit! She should be smart and, um, funny. Aren't you glad I called? Yes. Thank you, Beth. I'll call you as soon as I get back. OK? OK, bye. This for me? Hm? Oh God, no! No, no. You don't want... What the hell is this? Hey, Rubin, I can see myself on the TV. (LAUGHS) It's Barry. Hey, look. Look at that. I can see my bum. (LAUGHS) Why would you send this to me? So you guys broke up, then you hugged and then you left? Yeah, pretty much. Loser. You always have sex with a girl one last time before you break up. Everyone knows that. It's not like that. I've known her my whole life. She's my best friend. So, what do we do now? You guys wanna smoke some drugs? I don't think so, Kyle. My midterm starts in exactly 46 hours, so I got to get back. Although, I'm going to fail anyways ` it doesn't really matter, but... Which class was it? Ancient philosophy. Well, I could teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours. You can? Yeah. I could teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours. The key is just finding a way to relate to the material. Like, you like pro wrestling, don't you? Who doesn't? OK. Socrates ` he was like the Vince McMahon of philosophy. He started it all. # 'Pumping On Your Stereo' ` Supergrass # # Can you hear us pumping on your stereo? # Can you hear us pumping on your stereo? # Well, life's just a cigarette. # You smoke to the end. # But if you rocket the middle bit, # you burn all your friends. # The wider your eyes, the bigger the lies. Yes, it's true. # What was the 20-Man Battle Royal? Participation explains predication. Aristotle's 'one over many' argument Right. You know this. You'll be fine. BEEPING Freeze right there. Don't move. Is this philosophy? All right. If you hear anything, give me a call. Bomb threat is serious business. A felony. Here, take my card. OK. OK, let's move it. What's going on with this bomb threat? False alarm. Everyone, back inside. We're gonna do this thing. That's right. Josh. Beth. Hey, um,... thanks for calling. It's been a really weird week. So, how did you do? On the exam? Pretty good, actually. You did? Um, were you surprised? You weren't back in time for the exam, so I called in a bomb threat. You did that? That's insane. Well, I wasn't going to let Jacob get you kicked out of school. Beside, I might need you around next semester. So I did good, right? Good? That's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. Mom? I'm so sorry. Mom? I got carried away with the story. So, anyway, Josh got a B plus in his midterm. He got to stay in college. And I'm happy to report that he and Beth are still together. They're still really into making their home movies. In fact, they have about 70 hours of unedited amateur video. It's pretty wild. I know, because I bought some of it on e-bay. That guy Jacob, he left school. He went on to become the leader of some cult out in Iowa. Eventually, he tried organising a mass suicide. Only problem is, he drank the Kool-Aid first, and afterwards, everyone else just kind of changed their minds. Too bad. As for Rubin, remember Rubin? Remember how he always claimed he was destined for great things? Something tells me the people of Earth are gonna need me. Well, he was right. Rubin used cross pollination to develop a strain of marijuana that is not only remarkably potent, but also completely undetectable by any of today's standard drug tests. Oh my God. He was named High Times' Man of the Year. As for EL, despite his swinging philosophy on sexuality, he got pretty serious with some girl he met. And you want me to use two fingers? 'I believe she was pre med.' Did I say two? Better make it three. Then there's Kyle. Kyle and his father reconciled their differences. Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas. 'He brought his new girlfriend home to meet his parents.' Rhonda, this is my father, Earl. Dad, this is Rhonda. Merry Christmas, Dad. Come here. That's the end of the tour, OK? I hope each of you strongly consider becoming part of the Ithaca tradition as we lead future generations of young men and women forward into the new century. Thanks a lot. You guys were great. Thanks. It was good. It was fun. Thank you so much. I'll see you in the fall. OK, thank you. Thank you. I'd just like to say thank you. I mean, um, that was... really great. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Mom? Thank you. Thank you, Mommy. I'm humping Mommy. Sexy! Argh! Argh! Argh! Ohh! Ohh! Go! Go! # Anything, Anything (I'll Give You) ` Buckcherry # # OK, what is it tonight? # Please, please tell me what the hell is wrong. Do you wanna eat, do you wanna sleep, do you wanna drown? # Just settle down, settle down, settle down. # Well, I give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills. Give you anything you want. # Hundred-dollar bills. # I'll even let you watch the shows you wanna see. Just marry me, marry me, marry me. # Hey! # I'm so sick of you tonight. # You never stay awake when I get home. # Is something wrong with me, something wrong with you? # I really wish I knew, wish I knew, wish I knew. # Well, I give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills. Give you anything you want. # Hundred-dollar bills. # I'll even let you watch the shows you wanna see. Just marry me, marry me, marry me. # Hey! # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015