WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2017 HUH? AAH! 1 1 RADIO # YOU'D BETTER PRAY TO THE LORD # # WHEN YOU SEE THOSE FLYING SAUCERS # # IT MAY BE THE COMING OF THE JUDGMENT DAY # BEEPING HEY, JERRY, YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK THIS ONE OUT. UH, PALOMAR JUST PICKED IT UP. LOOKS LIKE SOME TYPE OF UFO, AND IT'S HEADING THIS WAY. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS? UFOS DON'T EXIST. AND WE'RE NEVER GONNA SEE-- WOW. ITS ENERGY SIGNATURE IS MASSIVE. HOLY CHEEZ-ITS! WHAT DO WE DO?! NO ONE EVER TOLD US WHAT TO DO! THE ONLY REASON I TOOK THE JOB... IS 'CAUSE YOU NEVER HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! JERRY, STOP IT. LET ME CALCULATE ITS IMPACT POINT. LOOKS LIKE... MODESTO, CALIFORNIA. SUPERNOVA, THIS IS RED DWARF. WE ACTUALLY HAVE ONE! CODE NIMOY! I REPEAT, CODE NIMOY! HEAVY BREATHING GURGLING SOUND HEAVY BREATHING GURGLING HEAVY BREATHING GURGLING HEAVY BREATHING CREAK HEAVY BREATHING GURGLING AAAAH! AAAH! HEAVY BREATHING GURGLING WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? IT'S 5 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. HURRY, TURN ON THE TV! TURN IT ON NOW! ...AND SOME EARLY MORNING FOG, GIVING WAY TO SUNNY SKIES. 75 DEGREES. A PERFECT DAY... TO STOP BY OLD THE FOLK ART AND CRAFT SHOW... DOWN AT THE FAIRGROUNDS... OR A PERFECT DAY TO MARRY SUSAN MURPHY. I LOVE YOU, BABY. - I LOVE YOU TOO. - AWWW! AWW! AND GOOD MORNING, MODESTO! MAN: CHANNEL 172. OH, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS, SWEETHEART. THANKS, MOM. AH, MY LITTLE GIRL! DADDY! NOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH... I'M ABOUT TO GIVE YOU AWAY... SNIFFLES...I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. DON'T CRY BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY... AND THAT'S JUST GONNA BE A MESS. I CAN'T HELP IT! SOBBING HELLO, EVERYONE! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! WEDDING STARTS IN 30 MINUTES! - MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER-IN-LAW! - HI, MAMA DIETL. IT'S LIKE A FAIRY TALE-- "THE WEATHERMAN AND THE WEATHERMAN'S WIFE." SIGHS ROMANTIC. OH, I KNOW. JUST THINK... THIS TIME TOMORROW, I'M GONNA BE IN PARIS! AND SOME DAY, WE WON'T JUST BE HONEYMOONING THERE. DEREK WILL BECOME AN ANCHOR OR A FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT. AND WE'LL TRAVEL ALL OVER THE WORLD. AH, HONEY, MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED. ONE THUMB IS SHORTER THAN THE OTHER. IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY. DEREK DOESN'T HAVE THAT. IT SKIPS A GENERATION. YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA HAVE IT! (LAUGHS) CHUCKLES BIRDSONG (SIGHS) WOW, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. SO DO YOU. I MEAN, UH, HANDSOME. I MEAN... UH, SORRY... I'M JUST A LITTLE FRAZZLED. I JUST SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME WITH OUR PARENTS. DON'T WORRY, OK? WE'LL BE ALONE SOON, JUST US. MM, EATING CHEESE AND BAGUETTES BY THE SEINE... FEEDING EACH OTHER CHOCOLATE CREPES. SIGHS - UM... - IS SOMETHING WRONG? NO, NO! IT'S JUST THAT, WELL... (SIGHS) ...THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT CHANGE OF PLANS. WE'RE NOT GOING TO PARIS. WHAT? WHY NOT? BECAUSE WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE BETTER. - BETTER THAN PARIS? - OH, YEAH. WHERE? TAHITI?! NOPE! - FRESNO! - FRESNO! FRESNO. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS FRESNO BETTER THAN PARIS, DEREK? IN THE "I'VE GOT AN AUDITION TO BECOME... "CHANNEL 23'S NEW EVENING ANCHOR" UNIVERSE. (LAUGHS) I GOT THE CALL FROM THE GENERAL MANAGER... AND HE WANTS ME TO COME IN IMMEDIATELY! ISN'T THAT GREAT? DEREK! THAT'S... AMAZING! IT'S AMAZING. FRESNO'S, LIKE, A TOP-50 MARKET, ISN'T IT? ACTUALLY IT'S 55TH, BUT WE'RE ON OUR WAY, BABE! (SIGHS) NOW LOOK. ABOUT PARIS-- OH, IT'S OK. IT'S FINE! AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER... FRESNO IS THE MOST ROMANTIC CITY IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. OF US! NOT JUST OF ME. I MEAN, OF COURSE, BUT WE'RE A TEAM NOW. YOU'RE SO PROUD OF "US". NOW GET OUT OF HERE. IT'S BAD LUCK TO SEE ME IN MY DRESS. OH, COME ON. YOU KNOW I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT STUFF. I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU AT THE ALTAR-- THE HANDSOME NEWS ANCHOR IN THE TUX, ALL RIGHT? HEH-HEH! LOVE YOU! THERE, I SAID IT. (LAUGHS) I LOVE YOU TOO. RUMBLING WHOOSHING GASPS PANTING METALLIC HUMMING SUSAN! (SIGHS) WHERE COULD SHE BE? SUSAN! WHERE ARE YOU?! GASPS AH! OH! OH... SUSAN! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I THINK I JUST GOT HIT BY A METEORITE. OH, SUSAN. EVERY BRIDE FEELS THAT WAY ON HER WEDDING DAY. MY GOODNESS, LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE FILTHY. THANK GOD I HAVE WET ONES. "HERE COMES THE BRIDE" WOW. YOU'RE GLOWING. THANK YOU. NO, NO, SUSAN, YOU'RE, LIKE, REALLY GLOWING! YOU'RE GREEN! GASPS OH, NO! WHOA! DEREK! OOH! OH... OH, MY GOSH! WHAT'S GOING ON?! WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?! YOU'RE ALL SHRINKING! UH-UH! YOU'RE GROWING! WELL, MAKE IT STOP! - GET ME THE GOVERNMENT! - OH! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! NO, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING. SCREAMING WAIT, EVERYBODY, IT'S OK! HAVE SOME CHAMPAGNE WHILE WE'RE FIGURING THIS OUT! THUMBS! THUMBS! DEREK! HELP ME! GROANING SWEET LORD! BELL CLANGS - HERE COMES THE BRIDE! OH, CARL! IT'S HER WEDDING DAY! - DEREK? DEREK? - (SOLDIERS SHOUTING) BEAM HURT DEREK. SUSAN? THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE OK! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME? DON'T PANIC! DON'T WORRY! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T DROP-- - WAAAH! - DEREK! - SORRY, SIR. - WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP IT! BE CAREFUL! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! PLEASE, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! OW! OH! SCREAMS MAN 2: WATCH OUT! MOVE IT, MOVE IT! LET'S GO! MOVE IT, MOVE IT! GROANING - PULL, PULL, PULL! DEREK? MAN OVER RADIO: WE'RE OUT OF DANGER, OSCAR MIKE. LET'S GET THIS BABY ON THE BUS. BEEPING SUSAN: HONEY, COULD YOU HIT THE SNOOZE? BABY, WHY DID YOU SET THE ALARM? WE'RE ON OUR HONEYMOON. AH! BEEPING CONTINUES HELLO? WHAT'S GOING ON? - AAH! - (WHIRRING) AAH! CLUNK THUD, WHIR PANTING HELLO? METAL CRUNCHING (GASPS) MAN'S VOICE: IS IT JUST LEGS? DID THEY JUST CAPTURE A GIANT PAIR OF LEGS? 2ND VOICE: SILENCE, BOB! SHE'LL HEAR US! - HOW? LEGS DON'T HAVE EARS. - JUST SHUSH! HELLO? I-IS THERE SOMEONE THERE? C-COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I AM? WHIRRING SQUELCH (GASPS) HELLO? WHAT WAS THAT? HELLO. EWW! WILL YOU STOP--?! CAREFUL! PLEASE, MADAM! STOP! DOING! THAT! WHATEVER MAD SCIENTIST MADE YOU... HE REALLY WENT ALL OUT. YOU CAN TALK. GASPS HI, THERE! EURGH! OH! MY BACK! JUST KIDDING! I DON'T HAVE A BACK! FORGIVE HIM, BUT AS YOU CAN SEE, HE HAS NO BRAIN. TURNS OUT YOU DON'T NEED ONE. TOTALLY OVERRATED! AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T EVEN-- (WHEEZE) OH, MY-- I FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE! DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREATHE! GASPING: HELP ME, DR. COCKROACH! HELP! HELP! - SUCK IN, BOB. - (INHALES) BOB: OH, THANKS, DOC. YOU'RE A LIFESAVER. - SUSAN GASPS - WOW, LOOK AT YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. FIRST DAY IN PRISON, YOU WANT TO TAKE DOWN... THE TOUGHEST GUY IN THE YARD. WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY. KUNG-FU NOISES NINJA! KUNG-FU NOISES CONTINUE BONES CRUNCH - OW! GOSH. - LOOK, SHE'S SPEECHLESS. - SHE? YES, BOB! WE ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE RARE FEMALE MONSTER. NO WAY! IT'S A BOY. LOOK AT HIS BOOBIES. WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK. GENTLEMEN, I'M AFRAID WE ARE NOT MAKING... A VERY GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION. AT LEAST I'M TALKING. FIRST NEW MONSTER IN YEARS, WE COULDN'T GET, LIKE, A WOLF MAN... OR A MUMMY? JUST, YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY TO PLAY CARDS WITH. AHEM. MIGHT WE ASK YOUR NAME, MADAM? - SUSAN. - NO, NO, NO... WE MEAN, LIKE, YOUR MONSTER NAME. LIKE, WHAT DO PEOPLE SCREAM WHEN THEY SEE YOU COMING? YOU KNOW, LIKE, "LOOK OUT! HERE COMES--"! SUSAN. REALLY? SU-U-U-USAN! OOH, I JUST SCARED MYSELF. THAT IS SCARY. BUZZER - YES! EAT TIMES. WHIRRING THAT IS REPULSIVE! FLIES BUZZING - OOH, AN OLD SLIPPER! BANG, WHOOSH GRUNTING (BUBBLING SOUNDS) OH, PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T REAL. PLEASE TELL ME I HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AT THE WEDDING... AND NOW I'M IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL... AND I'M ON MEDICATION THAT'S GIVING ME HALLUCINATIONS. LOW GROWLING ROAR SCREAM DON'T SCARE INSECTOSAURUS! HE'S GONNA PEE HIMSELF, THEN WE'LL ALL BE IN TROUBLE. SUSAN: EVERY ROOM HAS A DOOR! THERE'S GOTTA BE A DOOR HERE! WHERE'S THE DOOR? IT'S OK, BUDDY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. WHO'S A HANDSOME BUG, HUH? YOU LIKE IT WHEN I RUB YOUR TUMMY? PLEASE! SOMEBODY! I DON'T BELONG HERE! - LET ME OUT! - HEY, THAT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. LET ME OUT!! WHIRRING MONSTERS, GET BACK IN YOUR CELLS. CLUNK ROAR OH, THANK GOODNESS. A REAL PERSON. YOU ARE A REAL PERSON, RIGHT? NOT ONE OF THOSE HALF-PERSON, HALF-MACHINE... YOU KNOW, WHATEVER YOU CALL THOSE THINGS. A CYBORG? OH, NO! YOU'RE A CYBORG?! MADAM, I ASSURE YOU, I AM NOT A CYBORG. THE NAME IS GENERAL W.R. MONGER. I'M IN CHARGE OF THIS FACILITY. NOW FOLLOW ME. IT IS TIME FOR YOUR ORIENTATION. IN 1950, IT WAS DECIDED THAT JANE AND JOE PUBLIC... COULD NOT HANDLE THE TRUTH ABOUT MONSTERS... AND SHOULD FOCUS ON MORE IMPORTANT THINGS... LIKE PAYING TAXES. SO THE GOVERNMENT CONVINCED THE WORLD... MONSTERS WERE STUFF OF MYTH AND LEGEND... AND THEN LOCKED THEM AWAY IN THIS HERE FACILITY. OH! BUT I'M NOT A MONSTER. I'M JUST A REGULAR PERSON. I'M NOT A DANGER TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING. MAN SCREAMS 2ND MAN: DON'T LET HER GET ME! SORRY. MOOING - (COWBELL CLANGS) - HOW LONG WILL I BE HERE? - INDEFINITELY. - CAN I CONTACT MY PARENTS? - NO. - DEREK? - NEGATIVE. - DO THEY KNOW WHERE I AM? - NO, AND THEY NEVER WILL! THIS PLACE IS AN X FILE WRAPPED IN A COVER-UP... AND DEEP-FRIED IN A PARANOID CONSPIRACY. THERE WILL BE ZERO CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. ROARS, SNORTS HOOTING, CHATTERING ...SEVEN...EIGHT... ...NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE... ONE THOUSAND. WHOO! I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID TEN SETS. LAUGHS AH, SUSAN! YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY URANIUM ON YOU? I JUST NEED A SMIDGE. RESCIND DR. COCKROACH'S TOY BOX PRIVILEGES IMMEDIATELY. WE HAD THE PRISON PSYCHOLOGIST REDECORATE YOUR CELL. TRY TO KEEP YOU ALL CALM-LIKE. SUSAN: BUT I DON'T WANT A POSTER. I WANT A REAL KITTEN HANGING FROM A REAL TREE. I WANT TO GO HOME. OH, COME ON, LITTLE DEBBIE, PLEASE DON'T CRY. IT MAKES MY KNEES HURT. DON'T THINK OF THIS AS A PRISON. THINK OF IT AS A HOTEL YOU NEVER LEAVE... BECAUSE IT'S LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE! OH, AND ONE OTHER THING. THE GOVERNMENT HAS CHANGED YOUR NAME TO GINORMICA. GASPS 1 FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: BEGIN REANIMATION SEQUENCE. WHO DARES TO WAKE ME? COMPUTER: QUANTONIUM HAS BEEN LOCATED ON A DISTANT PLANET IN THE OMEGA QUADRANT. ALIEN: THE OMEGA QUADRANT? LAME. COMPUTER: THE TRAJECTORY OF THE QUANTONIUM METEOR... HAS BEEN TRACED TO SECTOR 72-4... A PLANET LOCALLY KNOWN AS EARTH. ALIEN: WHAT A MISERABLE-LOOKING MUD BALL. SEND A ROBOT PROBE! EXTRACT THE QUANTONIUM... WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE. I WANT IT ALL. EVERY LAST DROP! COMPUTER: YES, GALLAXHAR. GALLAXHAR: NOTHING CAN STAND IN MY WAY NOW. POP MUSIC ON CAR RADIO DON'T RUSH ME, KATIE! I'M JUST NOT READY. OH, RELAX, CUTHBERT. IT'S JUST LIKE DANCING. I'LL LEAD. WHISTLING, CRACKLING, WHIRRING KATIE, I HAVE A GYMNASTICS MEET TOMORROW. SO MAYBE-- DID YOU OPEN THE TOP? OH, THANK GOODNESS. IT'S THE POLICE. WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING, OFFICER! YEAH, NOTHING AT ALL. CUTHBERT: JIMINY! WHY DID I EVEN LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS?! MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE. OR MAYBE WE SHOULD GO CHECK IT OUT. KATIE, ARE YOU NUTS?! WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! NO! MY ANKLE! CRUNCH - I THINK IT'S BROKEN! KATIE? (GROANS) THIS IS THE WORST DATE EVER. ELECTRONIC BEEPING, WHIRRING KATIE, I'M FRIGHTENED. BOTH SCREAM REPORTER: IT WAS FIRST SPOTTED AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT... BY A COUPLE IN ROMANTIC EMBRACE. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS OR WHERE IT CAME FROM. ALL BRANCHES OF THE MILITARY WERE IMMEDIATELY MOBILIZED. REPORTER: WHAT IS THAT, HENSHAW? OK. I HAVE JUST RECEIVED WORD... THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAS ARRIVED... AND WILL ATTEMPT TO MAKE FIRST CONTACT. I MUST APPROACH IT ALONE. THIS IS ALL ABOUT PEACEFUL COMMUNICATION. CLUNKING - YES, SIR, MR. PRESIDENT. RADIO CHATTER RADIO CHATTER PILOT: PERIMETER STABLE. GOT A BEAD ON PAPA BEAR. ALL CLEAR. WHEW! PANTING KNUCKLES CRACK REEDY RENDITION OF "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS" THEME WRONG NOTE RIGHT NOTE GULPS CLEARS THROAT PLAYS "AXEL F" RHYTHM STARTS WHEW! PANTING DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE PANTING MEN CRYING OUT MAN SHOUTING URGENTLY MAN: LET'S SHUT HER DOWN NOW! HERE WE GO! OH! WHOA! COMMANDER, DO SOMETHING VIOLENT! YOU HEARD THE PRESIDENT! LIGHT 'EM UP! WE'RE GETTING PUMMELLED DOWN HERE! CALL IN AIR SUPPORT! CALL IN AIR SUPPORT! YEAH! SQUEAKY: CALL IN A--AHEM! GRUFFLY: CALL IN A FULL RETREAT! FULL RETREAT! FULL RETREAT, ALL TROOPS! WHEELS UP. PAPA BEAR IS ON THE MOVE. WAIT. SO THAT'S HOW YOU WANT TO PLAY IT? EAT LEAD, ALIEN ROBOT! (DEEP GULP) - EVIDENTLY, THEY EAT LEAD. GET HIM ON THE CHOPPER. HAH! I'M BRAVE! I'M A BRAVE PRESIDENT! GET OUT OF THE WAY! 1 BEEPING MAN: SIR, WE NEED TO DECLARE A GLOBAL WAR ON ROBOTICS. HAWK: WE NEED TO OVERTHROW THAT ROBOT... AND INSTALL OUR OWN APPROVED GOVERNMENT! HAWK: I SAY WE INVADE IT! DITHER: THE EARTH ONLY HAS ABOUT 2 WEEKS LEFT! IF THAT THING WALKS INTO A POPULATED AREA... THERE WILL BE A MAJOR CATASTROPHE! WE NEED OUR TOP SCIENTIFIC MINDS ON THIS. GET INDIA ON THE PHONE! CAN WE TRANSPORT THE UNITED STATES TO A SAFER PLANET? I SAY WE GIVE THIS ALIEN A GREEN CARD AND MAKE HIM PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN. SIR, IT'S AT DIRE TIMES LIKE THIS WHEN I STOP AND ASK MYSELF... - "WHAT WOULD OPRAH DO?" - HANG IT ALL! WHAT'S THE POINT? IT'S A DISASTER. - STOP! - (ALL SHOUTING) THAT BUTTON LAUNCHES ALL OF OUR NUCLEAR MISSILES! WELL, THEN WHICH BUTTON GETS ME A LATTE? UH, THAT WOULD BE THE OTHER ONE, SIR. WHAT IDIOT DESIGNED THIS THING? TRICKLING - WEDGIE: YOU DID, SIR. FAIR ENOUGH. - WILSON, FIRE SOMEBODY! - YES, SIR, MR. PRESIDENT. LISTEN UP. I'M NOT GOING TO GO DOWN IN HISTORY... AS THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS IN OFFICE... WHEN THE WORLD CAME TO AN END... SO SOMEBODY THINK OF SOMETHING... AND THINK OF IT FAST! SLURP THAT IS A GOOD CUP OF JOE. MONGER: MR. PRESIDENT? NOT ONLY DO I HAVE AN IDEA... ZIP - ...BUT I HAVE A PLAN! HOO-RAH! NOW, CONVENTIONAL WEAPONS HAVE NO EFFECT ON THIS THING... AND WE ALL KNOW NUKES AIN'T AN OPTION. SURE THEY ARE. I JUST, UH-- - NO! DON'T DO IT! STOP! - WAIT! I'M NOT GONNA KID YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. THESE ARE DARK TIMES. THE ODDS ARE AGAINST US. WE NEED A HAIL MARY PASS. WE NEED RAW POWER! WE NEED... MONSTERS. MONSTERS! OF COURSE! IT'S SO SIMPLE! I... I'M NOT FOLLOWING YOU. OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS... I HAVE CAPTURED MONSTERS ON THE RAMPAGE... AND LOCKED THEM UP IN A SECRET PRISON FACILITY. SO SECRET... THAT THE MERE MENTION OF ITS NAME IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE. IS HE REFERRING TO AREA FIFTY-- HURGH! MR. PRESIDENT, SAY HELLO TO INSECTOSAURUS! SCREAMS - (TRAY CRASHES) MISS RONSON, PLEASE. NUCLEAR RADIATION TURNED HIM FROM A SMALL GRUB... INTO A 350-FOOT-TALL MONSTER THAT ATTACKED TOKYO. HERE WE HAVE THE MISSING LINK. SCREAMS - (TRAY CRASHES) ALL MUTTERING A 20,000-YEAR-OLD FROZEN FISH MAN... WHO WAS THAWED OUT BY SCIENTISTS. HE ESCAPED AND WENT ON A RAMPAGE... IN HIS OLD WATERING HOLE. THIS HANDSOME FELLOW IS DR. COCKROACH, PH.D... THE MOST BRILLIANT MAN IN THE WORLD. HE INVENTED A SCIENTIFIC MACHINE... THAT WOULD GIVE HUMANS THE COCKROACH'S ABILITY TO SURVIVE. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE WAS A SIDE EFFECT. MISS RONSON SCREAMS, TRAY CRASHES (GROANS) NOW, WE CALL THIS THING BOB. SCREAM, CRASH WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUT OF HERE?! CRASH, GRUNT, HEELS SQUEAKING THANK YOU. A GENETICALLY ALTERED TOMATO WAS COMBINED... WITH A CHEMICALLY ALTERED RANCH-FLAVOURED... DESSERT TOPPING AT A SNACK FOOD PLANT. THE RESULTING GOOP GAINED CONSCIOUSNESS... AND BECAME AN INDESTRUCTIBLE GELATINOUS MASS. AND OUR LATEST ADDITION, GINORMICA. SCREAM AHEM. GENERAL, CONTINUE. HER ENTIRE BODY RADIATES WITH PURE ENERGY... GIVING HER ENORMOUS STRENGTH AND SIZE. SIR, THESE MONSTERS ARE OUR BEST AND ONLY CHANCE... TO DEFEAT THAT ROBOT. DON'T WE ALREADY HAVE AN ALIEN PROBLEM, GENERAL? I DON'T THINK WE NEED A MONSTER PROBLEM, TOO. YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA, NERD? - AGH! - OOH! OK. STAY WHERE YOU ARE. AHEM. GENERAL, I PROPOSE WE GO FORWARD... WITH YOUR MONSTERS VERSUS ALIENS IDEA...THINGY. - LINK: GO FISH. - (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) DO YOU... HAVE ANY... THREES? YES. I DO! HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS? YOU'RE THE LUCKIEST GUY I KNOW. LUCK AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' TO DO WITH IT. HA-HA-HA! TWANG - WHAT THE--? HEY! HOOTER HOOTS, BEEPING THEY CALLED ME CRAZY, BUT I'LL SHOW THEM. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA! DOCTOR, I'D PREFER YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR MAD SCIENTIST LAUGH... WHILE I'M HOOKED UP TO THIS MACHINE. GROWLING YOU'RE RIGHT, INSECTO. YOU'VE BEEN LETTING THAT QUACK EXPERIMENT ON YOU... - FOR OVER A MONTH. - I'M NOT A QUACK! I'M A MAD SCIENTIST! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. GUYS, WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE? IF HE CAN MAKE ME NORMAL, OR EVEN SIX FOOT EIGHT... I CAN GET OUT OF HERE... GET BACK TO THE LIFE I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE. - I MEAN, I SHOULD BE IN-- - LET ME GUESS--FRESNO? WELL, FRESNO IS JUST A STEPPING STONE. NEXT STOP, MILWAUKEE. AND THEN NEW YORK AND THEN SOMEDAY HOPEFULLY-- YEAH, WE KNOW. PARIS. THROW THE SWITCH, DOCTOR, BUT DON'T DO THE LAUGH. NOW YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL A SLIGHT PINCH IN THE BRAIN. MWA-HOO-HOO-HA-HAA-- SORRY. SCREAMS MUFFLED: SUSAN! YOO-HOO! SUSAN: AM I SMALL AGAIN? I'M AFRAID NOT, MY DEAR. SIGHS - (SIZZLING) IN FACT, YOU MAY ACTUALLY HAVE GROWN A COUPLE OF FEET. CHUCKLES THAT'S OK, DOC. WE'LL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW. YOU REALLY DON'T GET IT, DO YOU? NO MONSTER HAS EVER GOTTEN OUT OF HERE! THAT'S NOT TRUE! THE INVISIBLE MAN DID. NO, HE DIDN'T. WE JUST TOLD YOU THAT SO YOU WOULDN'T GET UPSET. HE DIED OF A HEART ATTACK 25 YEARS AGO. NO! YEAH...IN THAT VERY CHAIR. HE'S STILL THERE. MOANS YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? NOBODY'S LEAVING. NOBODY'S EVER GETTING OUT. MONGER: GOOD NEWS, MONSTERS! YOU'RE GETTING OUT! UNTIL TODAY. LINK: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, MONGER. YOU WANT US TO FIGHT AN ALIEN ROBOT. AND IN EXCHANGE, THE PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES... HAS AUTHORIZED ME TO GRANT YOU YOUR FREEDOM. OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! SOON, I'LL BE BACK IN DEREK'S ARMS... OR HE'LL BE IN MINE. AH, I CAN'T WAIT FOR SPRING BREAK BACK AT COCOA BEACH... JUST...FREAKING EVERYBODY OUT. AND I'LL GO BACK TO MY LAB AND FINALLY FINISH MY EXPERIMENTS. NO, NO. THAT'S ME, BOB. THEN I'LL BE A REALLY GIANT LADY. - THAT'S SUSAN, BOB. - FINE. THEN I'LL GO BACK TO MODESTO AND BE WITH DEREK. LINK: YEAH, THAT'S STILL SUSAN, BOB. BOB: I THINK I AT LEAST DESERVE A CHANCE TO BE WITH DEREK! WOMAN: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO! ROARS HORNS BLARING MAN: EVERYBODY MOVE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! WE ARE EVACUATING THE CITY! EXACT CHANGE IS APPRECIATED, BUT NOT NECESSARY! BLADES THROBBING LET'S MOVE OUT! GASPS: THIS IS SAN FRANCISCO! THIS ISN'T FAR FROM MY HOME! AH, FEEL THE WIND ON YOUR ANTENNAE. ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL? I HAVEN'T BEEN OUTSIDE IN 50 YEARS. IT'S--IT'S AMAZING OUT HERE! IT'S A LITTLE HOTTER THAN I REMEMBER. HAS THE EARTH GOTTEN WARMER? THAT'D BE GREAT TO KNOW. THAT'D BE A VERY CONVENIENT TRUTH. WHIRRING - HOO-WEE! NOW THAT'S A ROBOT! - IT'S HUGE. TRY NOT TO DAMAGE IT TOO MUCH, MONSTERS. I MIGHT WANT TO BRING IT BACK TO THE FARM! NO, NO, NO, WAIT! YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BEING HUGE! WAIT! NO, DON'T LEAVE! I THINK HE SEES US. HELLO! HI! HOW YOU DOING? WELCOME! WE ARE HERE TO DESTROY YOU! I CAN'T FIGHT THAT THING. I CAN'T EVEN--I'VE NEVER-- (GASPING) I'M HYPERVENTILATING. DOES ANYBODY HAVE A GIANT PAPER BAG? RELAX. OLD LINK'S GOT THIS UNDER CONTROL. HIDE IN THE CITY, SUSAN. YOU'LL BE SAFE THERE. BUT STAY AWAY FROM THE TENDERLOIN! GETS A LITTLE DICEY! FINALLY, SOME ACTION. I'M GOING TO TURN THAT OVERSIZED TIN CAN... INTO A REALLY DENTED OVERSIZED TIN CAN. OK! DOES ANYBODY HAVE A TWENTY ON INSECTOSAURUS? WOW! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT-- FOOT! I GOT HIM, YOU GUYS! I GOT-- DON'T WORRY, I WON'T LET GO! I'M WEARING HIM DOWN! PLEASE TELL ME HE'S SLOWING DOWN! GET TO THE CITY, LINK. I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU AS SOON AS I CAN. OR MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH UP WITH ME. BIRDS FLUTTERING BEEPING DISTANT BOOM GASPS CLANG, BIRDS FLUTTERING WHIRRING GASPS SCREAMS GRUNTS OH... OH! PANTING GRUNTING SCREAMING PANTING GASPING OH, NO! NO! NO! NO! (SCREAMS) OH. SCREAMS GASPS TYRES SQUEAL OK, OK. I GOT THIS. CLANG! - OW! YEP, THAT HURT. GET IN! I HAVE A PLAN! HA-HA! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! BOB: HOT DOGS! LAUGHS SCREAMS ALL RIGHT, LINK, I'M GOING TO PULL UP ALONGSIDE IT! YOU GET UP IN THERE... GET TO ITS CENTRAL PROCESSING UNIT, AND-- - HEY, GUYS, CATCH ME! - NO, BOB! LET'S GO! LET'S GO! KEEP IT MOVING! HEY, NO HONKING! WHOA! OH! EXCUSE ME! COMING THROUGH! ON YOUR RIGHT! NO CONTROL! HORN BLARING OH, NO! OH! WHIRRING SUSAN GASPS - OK, IT'S GOING TO BE OK! - (MAN SCREAMING) I'M GONNA GET YOU OUT OF THERE! HOLD ON A SECOND! WE HAVE TO GET OFF THE BRIDGE BEFORE-- MAN SCREAMS PEOPLE SCREAMING SUSAN SCREAMING SCREAMS NO, NO, NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! SCREAMING ROARS COMING THROUGH! WATCH IT! SCREAMS BREATHING HEAVILY HEY, FURBALL, WHERE YOU BEEN? GRUNTS, ROARS YEAH, I KNOW. PAPA'S A LITTLE OUT OF SHAPE. EXCUSE ME! HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME! WHY IS IT DOING THAT? WHY WOULD IT-- GRUNTING WOW. GASPS SCREAMING WOW. YOU'RE DOING GREAT! I'M DOING EVERYTHING! NOT FOR LONG. COME ON, YOU GUYS. LET'S TAKE THIS THING DOWN! GRUNTS A DEFLECTOR SHIELD. - TYPICAL. - OH! SUSAN GRUNTING YOU CAN'T CRUSH A COCKROACH! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! OOH! OH! AH! OW! SUSAN GRUNTING PANTING WELL, RIGHT, RIGHT. HERE WE GO. SCREAMS INSECTOSAURUS! INSECTOSAURUS! - BOB! - WHAT? HELP ME! SORRY. I WAS JUST STARING AT THIS BIRD OVER THERE. WE HAVE TO GET THESE PEOPLE OFF THE BRIDGE! GOT IT. WOMAN SCREAMING NO, BOB! MOVE THE DIVIDERS! OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. MY BAD. LAUGHS GULP GO, GO, GO, GO! GRUNTING AND GASPING LINK! OH, I DON'T FEEL GOOD. OK. SUSAN, YOU CAN DO THIS. GRUNTING CLUNK, DESCENDING WHIR (GROANS) ALL RIGHT. LET'S TAKE THIS THING DOWN. SPLAT SEAGULL CRYING HUH. COMPUTER: RETRIEVAL HAS FAILED. DON'T GET UPSET. IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE. (GRUNTS) THAT LOWER LIFE FORM... THINKS SHE CAN STEAL MY QUANTONIUM?! SEND ANOTHER PROBE AT ONCE! COMPUTER: QUANTONIUM CANNOT BE RETRIEVED VIA ROBOT. CARBON-BASED LIFE FORM, LOCALLY KNOWN AS SUSAN... IS NOW TOO STRONG. OH, YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL BIG AND STRONG... AND YOU CAN DESTROY MY ROBOT PROBE... THAT YOU'RE GONNA SEND ME RUNNING AND HIDING?! MY DAYS OF RUNNING AND HIDING ARE OVER! COMPUTER, SET A COURSE TO EARTH. I WILL RETRIEVE THE QUANTONIUM MYSELF... EVEN IF I NEED TO RIP IT OUT OF HER BODY... ONE CELL AT A TIME! BLOWS, SLURPS PFFFT! COMPUTER: CAREFUL, IT'S HOT. 1 THREE WEEKS AGO, IF YOU HAD ASKED ME TO DEFEAT... A GIANT ALIEN ROBOT, I WOULD HAVE SAID, "NO CAN DO"... BUT I DID IT! ME! I'M STILL BUZZING. I MEAN... DID YOU SEE HOW STRONG I WAS? THERE PROBABLY ISN'T A JAR IN THIS WORLD I CAN'T OPEN. YOU WERE POSITIVELY HEROIC, MY DEAR. I ESPECIALLY LOVED HOW YOU SAVED... ALL THOSE PEOPLE ON THE BRIDGE. NICE TOUCH. WASN'T SHE AMAZING, LINK? YEAH, SHE WAS GREAT. REALLY COOL. LOVED IT. OH, POOR LINK. AFTER ALL THAT TOUGH TALK, YOU WERE OUT-MONSTERED BY A GIRL. NO WONDER YOU'RE DEPRESSED. HEY, I'M NOT DEPRESSED. I'M TIRED. WHY ARE YOU TIRED? YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING WELL, ALL RIGHT? I GOT SLEEP APNES... APNE...APNOEA. WHATEVER. IT'S NOT FUN. SO LINK'S A LITTLE RUSTY. I MEAN, SLEEP DEPRIVED. YOU'LL BE BACK TO YOUR OLD SELF IN NO TIME. AND SO WILL I. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE... "THERE ISN'T A JAR IN THE WORLD I CAN'T OPEN" STUFF? WAIT, DID YOU FIND A JAR YOU COULDN'T OPEN? WHAT WAS IN IT? WERE THERE PICKLES IN IT? WHERE'S THE GIANT JAR OF PICKLES?! WHAT MY ASSOCIATE IS TRYING TO SAY... IS THAT WE ALL THINK THE NEW SUSAN IS THE "CAT'S ME-WOW". GIGGLES I'M SORRY. AW, THANKS, YOU GUYS. THAT IS SO SWEET... BUT I HAVE A NORMAL LIFE WAITING FOR ME. YOU KNOW? SO TELL ME EXACTLY HOW THIS NORMAL LIFE THING WORKS... WITH YOU BEING GIANT AND ALL. I'M NOT GONNA BE A GIANT FOREVER. DEREK WON'T REST UNTIL WE'VE FOUND A CURE FOR MY... CONDITION. WE'RE A TEAM. WE COULD ALL DO WITH A DEREK. PERHAPS SOMEDAY WE COULD MAKE HIS ACQUAINTANCE! REALLY? YOU GUYS WANT TO MEET DEREK? MONGER: FIRST STOP, MODESTO! GINORMICA, I CALLED YOUR FAMILY... TO LET THEM KNOW YOU WERE COMING HOME. I ALSO CALLED THE MODESTO P.D... TOLD THEM NOT TO SHOOT AT YOU. THANKS, GENERAL. THUNK - (CHUCKLES) OK, REMEMBER, THESE PEOPLE AREN'T USED TO SEEING, UM... ANYTHING LIKE... YOU, OR YOU... OR YOU. SO JUST BE, YOU KNOW, COOL. JUST BE, YOU KNOW-- FOLLOW MY LEAD. CRUNCH ROARING STOP! THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT! DON'T DESTROY ANYTHING! CRASH WENDY: SUSAN? CARL: SUSIE Q! MOM? DADDY? DID THEY EXPERIMENT ON YOU? NO, MOM. I'M FINE. IT'S OK. THEY'RE WITH ME. THESE ARE MY NEW FRIENDS. OH, DEREK! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH... THINKING THAT WE'D SOMEDAY BE TOGETHER AGAIN! IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME THROUGH PRISON! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE THIS MAN! NO, BOB! THAT'S MY MOTHER! YOU'RE SUFFOCATING HER! OH. HONEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I TASTE HAM. SORRY, MOM. HE'S JUST A HUGGER. WHERE'S DEREK? UH, HE'S AT WORK, SWEETIE. YOU KNOW HOW HE IS ABOUT HIS CAREER. WELL, WE'RE NOT GONNA CELEBRATE WITHOUT HIM! SUSAN! WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS? JUST PUT OUT SOME SNACKS! - THEY'LL EAT ANYTHING! - (RATTLING) OH! AMBROSIA! LIVELY MUSIC HOW'S IT GOING? QUE PASA, GIRLFRIEND? WAY TO CUT UP A RUG, INSECTO! ROARS - (CAR ALARMS BLARING) WHO WANTS TO GO FOR A SWIM WITH THE LINK? AAGH! HI. I'M BENZOATE- OSTYLEZENE-BICARBONATE. OR YOU CAN CALL ME "BOB", WHICHEVER'S EASIER. DID I COME ON TOO STRONG? I'M SORRY. I'M A LITTLE RUSTY. I'VE BEEN IN PRISON MY WHOLE LIFE. WHY'D I MENTION PRISON? OH, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU. I'M JUST GOING TO GO. OH, I FEEL SO STUPID. ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE JUST STAY CALM. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT PROVOKE THEM. ANYONE CARE FOR AN ATOMIC GIN FIZZ? IT'S GOT QUITE A... - ...KICK. - (ROARING) CHLORINE! CHLORINE! CHLORINE IN MY EYES! ROARS THEY'RE TURNING ON US! EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! WHAT ARE THEY RUNNING AWAY FROM? DEREK LAUGHING THAT'S HILARIOUS, JIM. THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF DOWN-HOME COUNTRY HUMOUR... I'M GONNA MISS WHEN I'M IN FRESNO. THIS IS DEREK DIETL, SIGNING OFF FOR THE VERY LAST TIME. GOOD NIGHT, MODESTO! MAN: CHANNEL 172. - MAN: AND CUT. - (BELL) APPLAUSE SO DID YOU LIKE THAT SIGN-OFF? JUST MADE IT UP. SCREAMS SMASH - (SCREAMING) OH, MY GOODNESS. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT--! THUD - OOH! OH, DEREK. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE MY LAST THREE WEEKS! YOU JUST WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT. MUFFLED SHOUTS THINKING ABOUT YOU IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME SANE. CAN'T--CAN'T BREATHE! RIB--RIBS COLLAPSING! OH, MY GOSH! OH, MY GOSH! I'M SO SORRY! OH, MY GOODNESS. IS THAT BETTER? - OHHH! OHHH! - OK. OK. I'M JUST STILL KINDA GETTING USED TO MY NEW STRENGTH. WOW! YOU REALLY ARE BIG! YEAH, BUT I'M STILL ME. I'M STILL THE SAME GIRL YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH. EXCEPT YOU DID JUST DESTROY THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. BUT THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY I WAS GONNA STOP THAT GIANT ROBOT! DID YOU EVER THINK I COULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? NO, I DIDN'T. I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT IT NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER... EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER OCCURRED TO ME. LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS A LITTLE WEIRD. OK, IT'S A LOT WEIRD... BUT WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. I KNOW THAT TOGETHER, WE CAN FIND A WAY... TO GET ME BACK TO NORMAL. SUSAN, TRY AND LOOK AT THIS FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. I HAVE AN AUDIENCE THAT DEPENDS ON ME FOR NEWS... WEATHER, SPORTS AND HEART-WARMING FLUFF PIECES. SO YOU EXPECT ME TO PUT ALL THAT ON HOLD... WHILE YOU TRY TO UNDO THIS THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU? THAT I HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH? YES. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I EXPECT. WHAT--WHAT ABOUT THE LIFE THAT WE ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT? DON'T YOU STILL WANT THAT? OF COURSE. I JUST... DON'T SEE HOW I CAN HAVE THAT WITH YOU. DEREK, PLEASE... - DON'T DO THIS. - (SIGHS) YOU HAVE TO FACE FACTS, SUSAN. AND DON'T CRUSH ME FOR SAYING THIS... BUT I'M NOT LOOKING TO GET MARRIED... AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN SOMEONE ELSE'S SHADOW. AND YOU'RE CASTING A PRETTY BIG SHADOW. I'M SORRY. IT'S OVER. GOOD LUCK, SUSAN. SOBBING QUIETLY METAL CLANGING WOW! WHAT A SHINDIG! YOUR PARENTS REALLY KNOW HOW TO THROW IT DOWN. WHAT? NO, THAT WAS A...GREAT PARTY... ONE OF THE BEST I'VE BEEN TO SINCE I...GOT OUT OF PRISON. I MUST HAVE BEEN AT A DIFFERENT PARTY... 'CAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW I INTERPRETED IT AT ALL. I DON'T THINK YOUR PARENTS LIKED ME... AND I THINK THAT JELL-O GAVE ME A FAKE PHONE NUMBER. WELL, AT LEAST THE GARBAGE WAS FREE. YOU KNOW? I MEAN-- AH, WHO ARE WE KIDDING? WE COULD SAVE EVERY CITY ON THE PLANET AND THEY'D STILL TREAT US... THE SAME WAY THEY'VE ALWAYS TREATED US... LIKE MONSTERS. RIGHT. MONSTERS. ANYWAY, HOW, UH-- HOW IS DEREK? (SIGHS) DEREK IS A SELFISH JERK. - NO! - YES. ALL THAT TALK ABOUT "US". "I'M SO PROUD OF US." "US JUST GOT A JOB IN FRESNO." THERE'S NO "US". THERE WAS ONLY DEREK. WHY DID I HAVE TO GET HIT BY A METEOR TO SEE THAT? OH, I WAS SUCH AN IDIOT! BOB LAUGHS WHY DID I EVER THINK LIFE WITH DEREK... WOULD BE SO GREAT, ANYWAY? I MEAN, LOOK AT ALL THE STUFF I'VE DONE WITHOUT HIM. FIGHTING AN ALIEN ROBOT? THAT WAS ME, NOT HIM... AND THAT WAS AMAZING! MEETING YOU GUYS? AMAZING. DR. COCKROACH, YOU CAN CRAWL UP WALLS... AND BUILD A SUPERCOMPUTER OUT OF A PIZZA BOX... TWO CANS OF HAIRSPRAY, AND-- - AND A PAPER CLIP! - AMAZING! AND YOU--YOU HARDLY NEED AN INTRODUCTION. YOU'RE THE MISSING LINK! YOU PERSONALLY CARRIED 250 CO-EDS OFF OF COCOA BEACH... AND STILL HAD STRENGTH TO FIGHT OFF THE NATIONAL GUARD! AND THE COAST GUARD. AND ALSO, THE LIFEGUARD. - AMAZING! - (WHOOSH, SPLAT) BOB! WHO ELSE COULD FALL FROM UNIMAGINABLE HEIGHTS... AND END UP WITHOUT A SINGLE SCRATCH? - LINK? - Y--YOU. AMAZING! ROAR GOOD POINT, INSECTO! SUSAN, DON'T SHORT-CHANGE YOURSELF! OH, I'M NOT GOING TO SHORT-CHANGE MYSELF EVER AGAIN! TESTIFY! - LINK: YEAH. - DR. COCKROACH: OH, YES. ZAPPING SCREAMS SUSAN! ROAR THUD - (GRUNTS) WAY TO GO, INSECTO! GROWLS INSECTO, LOOK OUT! INSECTOSAURUS! NO! GROANING YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT. IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. LOOK AT ME. DON'T YOU CLOSE THOSE EYES. DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE THOSE EYES. 1 GROANS ZAP - OH! GALLAXHAR LAUGHS YOU MUST BE TERRIFIED. YOU WAKE UP IN A STRANGE PLACE... WEARING STRANGE CLOTHES... IMPRISONED BY A STRANGE BEING... FLOATING ON A STRANGE HOVERING DEVICE. STRANGE, ISN'T IT? HARDLY. IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME. WOW. YOU REALLY GET AROUND. TO THE EXTRACTION CHAMBER! GALLAXHAR LAUGHS - LOOK... WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM ME? YOU HAVE STOLEN WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE! I DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING FROM YOU. YOUR ENORMOUS, GROTESQUE BODY CONTAINS QUANTONIUM... THE MOST POWERFUL SUBSTANCE IN THE UNIVERSE. DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD KEEP IT FROM ME? THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT? YOU DESTROYED SAN FRANCISCO, YOU TERRIFIED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE... YOU KILLED MY FRIEND, JUST TO GET TO ME? AH, KAH-KAH-KAH-KAH-KAH! SILENCE! YOUR VOICE IS GRATING ON MY EAR NUBS. IT'S A SHAME YOU WON'T BE AROUND TO SEE... WHAT THE POWER OF QUANTONIUM CAN DO... IN THE TENTACLES OF SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO USE IT! I KNOW HOW TO USE IT JUST FINE! DON'T BOTHER. THAT FORCE FIELD... IS IMPENETRABLE. OH! WHAT THE FLAGNARD?! GRUNTING YAH! HA! THAT SHOULD STOP YOUR PUNY-- COMPUTER, CLOSE DOOR, HANGAR 2! CLOSE DOOR, HANGAR 3! DOOR, HANGAR 4! - OH! CLOSE THEM ALL! - (GRUNTS) - OH! - (GRUNTS) AH! GRUNTS - HA! GRUNTS - OH... - WHOA... OOH... OH... SCREAMS OOH... OH... PANTING AH. AH! GRUNTS COMPUTER, BEGIN EXTRACTION! BEEPING MOANING CHUCKLES GALLAXHAR LAUGHS FINALLY, I CAN REBUILD MY CIVILIZATION ON A NEW PLANET. ANY THOUGHTS ON WHERE I SHOULD SET UP SHOP? YOUR PLANET, PERHAPS? YOU KEEP YOUR SLIMY TENTACLES OFF MY PLANET! - OH! - IF YOU WANTED TO STOP ME... YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT WHEN YOU POSSESSED... THE QUANTONIUM! NOW YOU'RE NOTHING. THERE ARE INNOCENT PEOPLE DOWN THERE... WHO DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! THERE WERE INNOCENT PEOPLE ON MY HOME PLANET... BEFORE IT WAS DESTROYED. LOOK, I'M SORRY YOUR PLANET WAS DESTROYED. OH, DON'T BE. I'M THE ONE WHO DESTROYED IT. CONFUSED? AFTER I REVEAL MY TALE TO YOU... EVERYTHING WILL BECOME CRYSTAL CLEAR. COMPUTER, INITIALIZE CLONING MACHINE. COMPUTER: YES, GALLAXHAR. MANY ZENTONS AGO, WHEN I WAS BUT A SQUIDLING... I FOUND OUT MY PARENTS WERE-- ZAPPING SOUNDS NO CHILD SHOULD EVER HAVE TO ENDURE THAT! SO I WENT ON THE ROAD WITH A GIANT-- AND SOON THEREAFTER WAS MARRIED! THINGS WERE GOING WELL, UNTIL SHE WANTED TO-- AND THEN I WAS ALL, "NO WAY!"... AND SHE WAS ALL, "YES WAY," AND I WAS LIKE-- BUT I'VE TOLD YOU TOO MUCH ALREADY! LET THE BIRTH OF MY NEW PLANET, NOW CALLED... "GALLAXHAR'S PLANET" BEGIN! ONCE AGAIN, A UFO HAS LANDED IN AMERICA... THE ONLY COUNTRY UFOS EVER SEEM TO LAND IN. EXCUSE ME. WHAT'S THAT, HENSHAW? OKEY-DOKEY. UH, WE NOW TAKE YOU LIVE TO A TRANSMISSION... FROM THE ALIEN SPACECRAFT. PEOPLE GASP HUMANS OF EARTH, I HAVE COME IN PEACE. YOU NEED NOT FEAR ME. I MEAN YOU NO HARM. HOWEVER, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE... THAT MOST OF YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE THE NEXT 24 HOURS... AND THOSE OF YOU THAT DO SURVIVE... WILL BE ENSLAVED AND EXPERIMENTED ON. YOU SHOULD IN NO WAY TAKE ANY OF THIS PERSONALLY. IT'S JUST BUSINESS. SO, JUST TO RECAP--I COME IN PEACE, I MEAN YOU NO HARM... AND YOU ALL WILL DIE. GALLAXHAR OUT. SCREAMING OK, UH, BOYS, SET THE TERROR LEVEL... AT CODE BROWN, COS I NEED TO CHANGE MY PANTS. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW, DOC? I... (SIGHS) I DON'T KNOW. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO. BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GONNA LET INSECTO DIE IN VAIN. WE'RE GONNA GET UP THERE, FIND SUSAN... AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE THAT ALIEN DOWN! ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN... YOU GOT ENOUGH JUICE IN THOSE JETPACKS TO GET YOU UP THERE... BUT NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE IT HOME. I'LL COME GET YOU IF I CAN. IF I DON'T, IT MEANS I'M DEAD. OR LATE. I'VE BEEN YOUR WARDEN FOR CLOSE TO 50 YEARS. THAT'S NO LONGER THE CASE. FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH-- THAT'S RUDE. WHAT DID WE DO? NO, BOB, THAT'S NOT RUDE. THAT'S A SIGN OF RESPECT. GENERAL, IT'S TARGETING US! THAT'S THE IDEA, LIEUTENANT. HOLD YOUR COURSE. STEADY. STEADY. ZAP - HARD RIGHT! HARD RIGHT! HARD RIGHT! I CAN'T SHAKE IT! I CAN'T SHAKE IT! HANG ON TO YOUR SOCKS! WE'RE GOING FOR A RIDE! YEE-HA! THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS WEAR A PARACHUTE, LIEUTENANT. WHIMPERS YOU CAN LET GO OF ME NOW, LIEUTENANT. RUMBLING, CRACKING SHRIEKS COH-COH-COH-COHHH! COH-COHHH! WHO ARE YOU SIGNALLING? WE'RE RIGHT HERE. HEY, ZIP IT! CLONE! - HAIL GALLAXHAR! - NO, NO, NO, NOT ALL OF YOU. YOU, THERE. UM, HOW DO I DO THIS? THREE BACK. NO, NO, NO, NO. THAT GUY NEXT TO YOU. THE ONE I'M POINTING AT! YOU! THE ONE-- AH-KA-KA-KA-KA-KAH! YOU, CLONE! YES! GOOD! (SIGHS) TAKE THE PRISONER TO THE INCINERATOR. SHE'S USELESS TO US NOW. - HAIL GALLAXHAR. - HAIL ME. LINK: WOW. GINORMICA AIN'T SO..."GINORMIC" ANYMORE. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET TO HER? THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. I MAY NOT HAVE A BRAIN, GENTLEMEN... BUT I HAVE AN IDEA. THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK. GRUNTS HALT! I... GALLAXHAR... COMMAND YOU TO HAND OVER THE PRISONER THIS INSTANT. CLEARLY, YOU ARE DEFECTIVE BEYOND REPAIR. GUARDS, TAKE THIS DEFECTIVE CLONE TO THE INCINERATOR! WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? YOU AND YOU! - SERIOUSLY? - YES! TAKE THE PRISONER AND... THE DEFECTIVE CLONE TO THE INCINERATOR! UH, OF COURSE, SIR. AND HERE'S A SECURITY PASS, JUST IN CASE. - WOULD YOU LIKE A GUN? - YES, I WOULD. HEY, GUYS, LOOK. ZAP, FIZZ OK. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS CAME TO SAVE ME. - THANK YOU. - DON'T MENTION IT. WE MONSTERS GOT TO STICK TOGETHER. BUT I'M NOT A MONSTER ANYMORE. I'M JUST ME. MY DEAR, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SIZE, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE... NOTHING BUT A FILTHY, CARBON-BASED LIFE FORM! HAIL GALLAXHAR! HAIL GALLAXHAR. THESE DISGUISES ARE THE BOMB! THAT'S IT! FOLLOW ME. - THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE EARTH-- - CLONES: HAIL GALLAXHAR! HAIL GALLAXHAR. THE ONLY WAY TO-- - CLONES: HAIL GALLAXHAR! - HAIL GALLAXHAR. THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE THE EARTH IS TO BLOW UP THIS SHIP BEFORE-- - CLONES: HAIL GALLAXHAR! - HAIL GALLAXHAR. --BEFORE THE INVASION STARTS. SO, HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THIS? WE NEED TO FIND THE MAIN POWER CORE. EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU DIRECT US TO THE MAIN POWER CORE? GLADLY. IT'S RIGHT THERE, ABOVE THE EXTRACTION CHAMBER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HAIL GALLAXHAR. - WATCH OUT! - WHOA, LOOK OUT, BRAINLESS! GIVE ME THAT THING! A WEAPON LIKE THIS NEEDS TO BE... IN THE HANDS OF SOMEBODY RESPONSIBLE. - OH. - WHAT? HAIL...GALLAXHAR? MONSTERS! COMPUTER: MONSTERS. MONSTERS?! ATTENTION, ALL ALIENS! DESTROY ALL MONSTERS! ROARING YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?! HWAH! NINJA! YOU WANT TO HURT MY FRIENDS, YOU'LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME! - OH, YEAH. - (CLONES YELLING) - SUSAN! - (YELLS) LAUGHS I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MADE IT! CLONES YELLING BOB SCREAMS CLANG - LINK: OW! O...M...G. COMPUTER: WARNING--INTRUDER. MELODIC BEEPING - (COMPUTER CHUCKLES) YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE OUT MY COLOUR CODE. A HEXADECIMAL COLOUR-CODE SYSTEM. THIS WON'T BE BUT A MOMENT. MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! - RED, GREEN, BLUE, YELLOW... - (MELODIC BEEPING) ...ORANGE, BABY BLUE, PURPLE, PINK, MAUVE, GOLD... BROWN MOCHA, AVOCADO, ADOBE GOLD! - HEY! - (ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC) CLONES YELLING YELLS DOC, COME ON, DANCE! COMPUTER: YOUR BUSTED, TIRED DANCE MOVES... ARE NO MATCH FOR MY SECURITY PROTOCOLS. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM OFF MUCH LONGER! THERE'S ONE THING YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME, MY DEAR! MY PH.D... IS IN... DANCE! ECHOING: DANCE! DANCE! COMPUTER: SECURITY PROTOCOL BREACHED. SHIP HAS BEEN SET TO SELF-DESTRUCT. TOTAL ANNIHILATION IN T-MINUS SIX MINUTES. WELL, LAUNCH THE INVASION, THEN! COMPUTER: INVASION NO LONGER POSSIBLE. OH, SPACE BALLS! DIVERT THE QUANTONIUM TO THE BRIDGE... AND PREPARE MY ESCAPE CAPSULE! LOOK AT THAT! THEY'RE ALL RUNNING SCARED! MONSTERS WIN! (LAUGHS) UH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHY THEY'RE RUNNING. COMPUTER: SHIP WILL SELF-DESTRUCT... IN T-MINUS FIVE MINUTES. HAIL GALLAXHAR! WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT! SCREAMS HANG ON! KEEP GOING! SUSAN SCREAMS GROANS IT'S NO USE. IT WON'T BUDGE. (GRUNTS) IF I WAS STILL GINORMICA, I COULD DO THIS! SUSAN, GET OUT OF HERE WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT THE CHANCE! NO. DON'T SAY THAT. I'M NOT LEAVING YOU GUYS. YES, YOU ARE. RENDEZVOUS WITH MONGER. HE'S OUTSIDE THE SHIP, WAITING FOR YOU. GO WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME. COMPUTER: SHIP WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN T-MINUS FOUR MINUTES. DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT US, SUSAN. YOU FINALLY HAVE A CHANCE TO GET YOUR OLD LIFE BACK. I DON'T WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK. GALLAXHAR: THEY THINK THEY'VE STOPPED ME? THEY'VE STOPPED NOTHING. COMPUTER: FEMALE CARBON-BASED LIFE FORM... OR SUSAN, NOT CONTAINED. WHAT? ATTENTION, ROBOT PROBES! CRUSH THE EARTHLING! GASPS SCREAMS OH! COMPUTER: ROBOT BAY HAS BEEN DESTROYED. (GROWLS) FIRE PHASOID CANNON! SCREAMS ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME! THEN WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. NOW OPEN THE DOORS AND LET MY FRIENDS GO. OR WHAT? YOU DON'T ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE A MATCH FOR ME, DO YOU? ELECTRONIC WHIZZING COMPUTER: QUANTONIUM HAS BEEN... SUCCESSFULLY DIVERTED TO THE BRIDGE. ESCAPE CAPSULE READY FOR TRANSPORT. LIKE I TOLD YOU BEFORE, YOU SHOULD HAVE DEFEATED ME... WHEN YOU HAD THE QUANTONIUM. HAVE FUN EXPLODING! YELLS GRUNTING AND YELLING YAH! OH... GIGGLING ALA-LA-LA-LA! NOW OPEN THE DOORS. EVEN IF I WANTED TO, I COULDN'T! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SET A SHIP TO SELF-DESTRUCT! NOW WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT...SUSAN! I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE. AND THE NAME IS GINORMICA. Burgers the way they're meant to be. The only decision to make this lunch is whether your BK Stunner Meal should come with three crispy nuggets or a delicious sundae,... uh, or nuggets or su` No, nuggets. Burgers the way they're meant to be. COMPUTER: TOTAL ANNIHILATION... IN T-MINUS ONE MINUTE. IT'S BEEN AN HONOUR KNOWING YOU, DOC. THE FEELING'S MUTUAL, MY FRIEND. I'LL SEE YOU GUYS TOMORROW FOR LUNCH. THAT'S RIGHT, BOB. AND THERE'LL BE CANDY AND CAKE AND BALLOONS. CAKE AND BALLOONS FOR LUNCH?! IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST DAY EVER! I LOVE YOU GUYS! CRASH BY HAWKING'S CHAIR! ALL YELLING COMPUTER: TOTAL ANNIHILATION IN... T-MINUS THIRTY SECONDS. SUSAN: OH! - WHERE'S MONGER?! - HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! HE SAID THE ONLY REASON HE WOULDN'T BE HERE... IS IF HE WAS DEAD! ALL SCREAM OR LATE! ROAR INSECTOSAURUS?! YOU'RE ALIVE! LAUGHS AND YOU'RE A...BUTTERFLY! YEE-HAW! COMPUTER: EIGHT... SEVEN... SIX... FIVE... FOUR... - THREE... - COME ON, COME ON! ...TWO... ONE. SEAGULL CRYING COMPUTER: HMM. NOTHING HAPPENED. MAYBE MY COUNT WAS-- - WOMAN: HERE THEY ARE! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) MAN: HERE THEY COME! ROARS OOH-OOH! LINK LAUGHS YEAH! SCREAMING OH, GREAT. SHRIEKING, KISSING SOUNDS OH, BOY. SUSIE Q! DADDY! OH, SUSAN. EVER SINCE YOU WERE A BABY, I KNEW THAT SOMEDAY... YOU WOULD, YOU KNOW... SAVE THE EARTH FROM AN INVASION FROM OUTER SPACE. THANK YOU, BUT IT WASN'T JUST ME, MOM. EXCUSE ME! HELLO. COMING THROUGH! HOW ARE YOU? - SUSAN! - DEREK? BABY, I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD... ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US. AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW... I FORGIVE YOU. YOU FORGIVE ME? OF COURSE. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT YOU GOT HIT BY A METEOR... AND RUINED EVERYTHING. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I SAY MAYBE YOU DIDN'T RUIN EVERYTHING. I JUST GOT A CALL FROM NEW YORK. (SIGHS) THEY OFFERED ME NETWORK. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GET AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW FROM YOU. - REALLY? - YEAH. I GET MY DREAM JOB, AND YOU GET YOUR DREAM GUY. IT'S A WIN-WIN FOR TEAM DIETL. (CHUCKLES) DEREK... THAT'S AMAZING. UH, IS THE CAMERA ROLLING? ABSOLUTELY. GOOD. BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT YOUR FANS OUT THERE TO MISS THIS. THIS IS SUSAN MURPHY, SAYING... "GOOD-BYE, DEREK!" SCREAMING - BOB, COULD YOU, UH...? - (SCREAMING) MUFFLED YELLING DEREK, YOU ARE A SELFISH JERK, AND GUESS WHAT-- I'VE MET SOMEONE ELSE. SHE'S LIME GREEN... SHE HAS 14 LITTLE CHUNKS OF PINEAPPLE INSIDE OF HER... AND SHE IS EVERYTHING I DESERVE IN LIFE! I'M HAPPY NOW, DEREK, WITHOUT YOU! IT'S OVER! TURN IT OFF. MONSTERS, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, I COULD CRY... IF I HADN'T LOST MY TEAR DUCTS IN THE WAR. BUT NOT CRYING WILL HAVE TO WAIT. THE WORLD NEEDS YOU AGAIN. WHAT IS IT, GENERAL? SEEMS A SNAIL FELL INTO A FRENCH NUCLEAR REACTOR. AS WE SPEAK, ESCARGANTUA... IS SLOWLY MAKING ITS WAY TO PARIS. WELL, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO PARIS. NOW WHO'S WITH ME? WHAT DO YOU SAY, BUTTERFLY...OSAURUS? ROARS WE'RE IN. - I'M IN! - COUNT ME IN, TOO. CHEERING, APPLAUSE WENDY: AU REVOIR, SWEETIE! HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT! CARL: YEAH, AND HANG ON! ROAR BOB: GOODBYE, DEREK! GOOD LUCK GETTING OVER ME. SUSAN: UH, BOB, IT'S ME HE'S NEVER GOING TO GET OVER. BOB: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! YOU WERE DATING DEREK, TOO?! THAT TWO-TIMING JERK! EVERYONE, LET'S WELCOME... MY NEW CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF... GENERAL W.R. MONGER! THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. WHAT A GREAT WAY, SIR, TO CELEBRATE MY 90TH BIRTHDAY. VERY GOOD, WARREN. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE. NERD? GENTLEMEN, I HAVE ASSEMBLED A PRELIMINARY BUDGET ESTIMATE... FOR THE REBUILDING OF SAN FRANCISCO. ZOINKERS. THIS IS GOING TO BE A BORING ONE. GOOD TIME FOR A CUP OF JOE. WARREN, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT? HIT ME WITH A DOUBLE VENTI ORGANIC CHOCOLATE BROWNIE... CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO, EXTRA HOT, WITH ONE INCH OF FOAM... NON-FAT. YOU GOT IT! BLACK IT IS. ALL SHOUTING MY GOD, MAN! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! ALARM BLARING TIME TO WAVE THE WHITE FLAG AND HEAD FOR THE BUNKER, BOYS. LET'S CHECK ON THE SITUATION IN 500 YEARS. WHO WANTS TO FREEZE MY HEAD?