1 It's the mid-1860s, and the New Zealand Wars have seen fighting between Maori and Pakeha for the last 20 years. In the North Island, the actions of imperial forces are causing great anger ` and not just amongst Maori. I'm in the South Taranaki bush in January of 1866. This is Dr Isaac Featherston, and it's fair to say, he's not happy. Were it not for my duty to New Zealand, I would fall on General Chute's force this night with my Maori and slaughter the whole of his men. And he's actually on General Chute's side. This is General Chute, and he's dragged Dr Featherston along on one of the most foolhardy military operations the country's seen, and things are only going to get worse. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) New Zealand has a past filled with people who thought, 'She'll be right,' when more often that not, it wasn't. Join me as we celebrate these true stories of the history that history tried to forget. Copyright Able 2017 They say you should choose your battles wisely, but we have a long history of people who have rushed into a bit of argy-bargy for the most ridiculous of reasons. To help me tell these true tales of some extraordinarily rash New Zealanders, I'm using some ordinary New Zealanders, including a contingent of military re-enactors, who very generously provided their own guns and magnificent beards. So join us as we parade through the great stories of... The second Taranaki war was described, even at the time, as little more than a land grab. In the middle of it all was one man, who feared the conflict's effect on race relations. Dr Isaac Featherston is a surgeon, the Superintendent of Wellington, and the editor of The Independent newspaper. He's just arrived here in Taranaki with a contingent of pro-government Maori troops who refuse to fight with anyone else. Why? Well there's a very simple reason for that. Because Featherston might just be the bravest... Into them, lads! ...or foolhardiest leader they have ever had. Although in terrible health, he once led them into battle wearing nothing but his dressing gown, and armed only with his cigar. I suspect the Maori just wanna see exactly what it is he'll do next. They're all here to serve alongside the soldiers of this man ` the vigorous, the bold, General Sir Trevor Chute. What a great name for a military man ` General Chute. 'What are we going to do today, General Chute?' 'Well, I thought we'd go for a general shoot!' It's a career that plans itself. What? What? He's in charge of the military forces here in Taranaki. He's been conducting a scorched earth campaign against native villages, but the problem is he's run out of villages to burn. He has 500 men, two-and-a-half-days' worth of rations and 93 horses. So, he thinks... What are we going to do now? Featherston is hoping the answer to that question is 'go home'. But Chute has an idea. Wait, I've an idea! We'll march around the inland side of Mt Egmont` Mt Taranaki. Mt Taranaki. W`When did that happen? Featherston is not impressed. That is the most foolhardy idea I have ever heard. Featherston has disliked Chute from the outset. He even threatened to challenge him to a duel. He said he would shoot Chute as soon as the war was finished. And with Featherston, that is not out of the realms of possibility. Because a few years earlier, Featherston duelled with William Wakefield over a newspaper editorial. It was particularly brave of Wakefield, because Featherston was actually his doctor. Featherston fired first, whereupon Wakefield fired into the air because, he said, he wouldn't shoot a man with seven daughters. Featherston replied by asking for another shot. New Zealand has seen duels fought over women, insults to the King, poetry criticism and even wayward fruit. At a gentlemen's club in Auckland, in September of 1850, a chap called Blackmore throws an orange at his friend's head. The orange bounces off his friend's head and hits William Gisborne right in the face. Gisborne is outraged. I am outraged! Choose your weapon. (MOUTHS) Two days later, the two men meet at dawn to fight what is one of about 30 duels recorded in the country's history. Gentlemen. (CEREMONIAL MUSIC) Fire. (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) And with that, honour is satisfied. But Gisborne is then immediately dishonoured by losing his government job as a Justice of the Peace. Oh, but don't worry. You do eventually get the very nice town of Gisborne named after yourself, which seems appropriate because that's where they grow oranges. (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) Now, look. We are going to show them the might of the empire! Dr Featherston's duel with William Wakefield wasn't over fruit. It was over a particularly pointed editorial that Featherston wrote in his newspaper. But he wasn't the only person to be threatened with violence for his writing. Take newspaper editor Samuel Lister who is confronted one afternoon by women wielding horsewhips. Mr Lister, we are not ruiners of men. How dare you sully our virtue? Come, come, ladies. In his editorial yesterday, Lister had insinuated that the women of the visiting London Gaiety Company Burlesque Troupe were less ladies of the nightclub and more ladies of the night. They're demanding an apology. But rather than calm the situation, Lister says something so provocative that all hell breaks loose. Ah! Hey!` The Gaiety girls take their horsewhips in their dainty little hands, and they begin to thrash Lister. His office is torn apart. Windows are smashed. One of his printers tries to escape, but he's caught and, for blackening their names, the Gaiety girls blacken his face. But what was it that Lister said that made the Gaiety girls so furious? Well, when they confronted him about his insulting editorial that he himself had written and published, he said... It must be true. It's in the paper. Little wonder they horsewhipped him. And with all the publicity over this foolhardy fracas, the entire season of the London Gaiety Girls' burlesque show sold out. Back in the Taranaki bush, the only fighting going on is between a British general and the man affectionately known as The Little Doctor. Dr Featherston is about ready to horsewhip General Sir Trevor Chute, because Chute has realised that no British forces have travelled around the inland side of Mt Taranaki to New Plymouth. Despite local Maori saying it's impossible to march so many men and horses that way, Chute, sensing an opportunity to prove that nowhere is safe from the might of the Empire, dictates a letter to the good people of New Plymouth. Take a note. I will be coming around the mountain when I come. I'll be coming round the mountain when I come. I will be bringing 500 men and a significant number of horses. I will be coming round the mountain when I come. When you come. See you in three days. That is all. Imbecile. More tea? (MARCHING BAND DRUM PLAYS) 1 Dr Isaac Featherston came to New Zealand to improve his health. Instead, he now finds himself in command of pro-government Maori troops in the damp and decidedly unhealthy Taranaki bush. He's furious with the foolhardy General Chute, who is determined to become the first man to march troops around the inhospitable inland side of Mt Taranaki ` as if war against Maori wasn't dangerous enough. So confident is Chute of success, that he's sent a letter to the good people of New Plymouth telling them the 96km trip will take him a mere three days. (MARCHING BAND PLAYS) Come on! The townsfolk of New Plymouth are very excited. They've just received General Chute's letter. He'll be coming round the mountain when he comes! He'll be coming around the mountain when he comes. Who'll be coming? General Chute! He'll be coming around the mountain` Yes, thank you, Barry. I think we've milked that one enough. On the day of General Chute's expected arrival, they build a ceremonial arch, they lay on a spread, they assemble the band, and they wait. - (MARCHING BAND PLAYS QUIETLY) - And they wait... And they wait. By nightfall, General Chute and his men haven't arrived, the townsfolk have eaten the spread and the band has packed up and gone to bed. Where is Chute and his glorious 500? Well, they are... Still deep in the bush. - Hello, men! - (MURMURED RESPONSES) The distance they were supposed to cover was 96km. At the end of day three, they've travelled... Where are we? ...6km. It's fair to say that Chute's triumphant march is going a little bit pear-shaped. Wouldn't you agree, Tame? Uh, yes I do. How hard would it be to get 500 men and 90-odd horses through the bush here in South Taranaki? It's going to be a very difficult job, really. W` What would you have done differently? Well, I would have gone with a very small team, basically, very, uh, precise and very skilful people. And really it's adapt yourself in that kind of environment. So you've got to be part of the bush, part of the trees, part of the mud. I` If General Chute had come to you and say, 'Tame, I'd like to have you as a consultant.' 'I'm gonna march my men through the bush, 500 of them, around the inland side of the mountain, 'through the most impenetrable bush in the country. What should I do? Shall I go for it or not?' What would you have said? Oh, go home... (LAUGHS) ...where you come from. The Empire didn't work that way though, did it? No. (BOTH LAUGH) They were tenacious buggers weren't they? Oh, I guess that they had to be 100 years ago. Yeah. Uh, so, they're quite determined. It's all about, uh, power, control, political power, domination globally. Which is all well and good, but a bit bloody miserable for these guys. Well, they had the difficult job being, then, the slaves for the generals and the politicians. In many ways, it was a public relations exercise. That's the whole thing about the colonial system ` used to really put their foot, put their mark in it. And then just the symbol of the flag, it's another gang. So, they probably already know that people have been watching them, so they go in there with that attitude. Do you think they would have found it a bit amusing, watching them, you know, after three days ` 6km? My guess is that they're saying, 'Silly buggers.' (BOTH LAUGH) It's almost impossible to imagine just how miserable this must have been. But fortunately, we don't have to imagine it, because of Gustavus von Tempsky. This is him. Mercenary, womaniser and painter of excellent watercolours ` such as this one right here, depicting the very moment where things are at their worst for General Chute and his glorious 500. Here is General Chute standing next to one of the many creeks that's impeding his progress. Chute is saying, 'Where's my dinner?' And where is his dinner? Well, it's there. They've currently run out of rations, so they're butchering one of the horses, saving the prized heart for Chute. But there is one man refusing to eat any horsemeat ` Dr Featherston. And why does he refuse to eat horsemeat? Well,... it is currently so wet they can't even light a fire, forcing them to eat the horse raw. What they wouldn't have given for a few umbrellas, which can be a lot handier in a conflict situation than you might expect. It's 1912, and Waihi is in the midst of The Great Miners' Strike. The miners are sick of the accidents, the poor pay and the terrible disease known as Miner's Lung. (COUGHING) Conditions are so bad that some miners even resort to chopping off their thumbs for the compensation. And if the men are on strike, then their wives are on strike too. And the women are a formidable force, especially armed with their umbrellas. And` Known as the Scarlet Runners, the women found the umbrella was the perfect weapon for civil disobedience. Two women on opposing sides of the strike fought a duel with them. Another woman broke hers over the head of a mounted constable's horse. Stab and hook and knee. The Scarlet Runners also painted slogans on their umbrellas so that when they closed them, they could carry around a perfectly secret portable protest banner. And because it's New Zealand, umbrellas are also very useful when the weather inevitably rains on your parade. (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) Dr Isaac Featherston is not at all surprised that it's raining on General Chute's foolhardy parade around Mt Taranaki. (MAN COUGHS) Featherston came to New Zealand for the warm climate after a nasty bout of tuberculosis. He also suffers from asthma, bronchitis and sciatica... All right, men, moving out. ...often at the same time. I'm pretty sure he appreciates the irony, as he sits starving, wet and shivering in the bush, wondering how he, 500 men and a rapidly dwindling number of horses are gonna get themselves out of this predicament. (MILITARY DRUM ROLL) . All right, so, this is Tim. 34-year-old male. RTC. Multi-vehicle... VOICES OVERLAP I think about the car crash a lot. I know he caused it and I reacted the best way possible. But it's hard to let it go. SOMBRE MUSIC When I asked what had happened to him, the doctors said he really wore the impact ` any more and things would've been much worse. They said he was lucky ` lucky I wasn't going any faster. Thank you. SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. 1 (MILITARY MARCH MUSIC) New Zealand has in its past a lot of people who could best be described as hot-headed, impetuous, devil-may-care, death-or-glory types; who are more than happy to rush out and engage in acts of foolhardy conflict. This is Dr Isaac Featherston. He's currently trapped here in the Taranaki bush with 500 men, a significant number of horses and General Sir Trevor Chute, who thought it would be a good idea to wage war on the New Zealand landscape. Currently,... the landscape's winning. But that's the thing about New Zealand ` the enemy can often come from a very unexpected quarter. (GRUNTS) Thank you. (GRAND MUSIC) 1942 and Sydney Ross alarms the authorities by saying that a Nazi sabotage cell has snuck into New Zealand by submarine and tried to recruit him as a spy. Gute Nacht. Guten Abend. Perhaps most startling is that Ross reports the Nazis are currently hiding in, of all places, Ngongotaha. Yes, Ngongotaha. I have no idea why. The government recruit Ross as a double agent. They give him a secret identity, a wad of cash, a fancy car and a lavish room at the Rotorua Grand Hotel. Where for the next three months he reports on the activities of the Ngongotaha Nazis. (JAUNTY MUSIC) How many? Good Lord! Keep me posted. Major Kenneth Folkes, the English head of New Zealand's brand new Security Intelligence Bureau believes there is only one course of action. This is important. I believe that the Nazis are such a threat that the government must be dissolved and the military put in charge of the country. But Prime Minister Fraser's not keen on that idea and says, 'Why don't we just send in the local police to check it out.' Yes, Prime Minister. (MILITARY DRUM ROLL) Bitterly disappointed, Folkes alerts the Rotorua police, who it's fair to say, are rather surprised to be informed that there are Nazis hiding in Ngongotaha. With the security of the entire nation at risk, the police storm the Nazi hideout... (KNOCKING) ...and discover that the house is occupied by an elderly civil servant, three nurses and a dry-cleaner; none of whom are Nazis. (JAUNTY MUSIC) I mean, I know the Germans enjoyed a smart uniform, but a dry-cleaner? No. (JAUNTY MUSIC CONTINUES) How could this be? Was Ross wrong? Well, it wasn't so much that he was wrong and more that he was making the entire thing up. (JAUNTY MUSIC) Just the day before he turned up with his incredible spy story, he'd been released from prison. Where he was serving time for charges of fraud and false pretences. You'd think they would've checked. It is one of the greatest hoaxes in our history. And it almost led to military rule. For gullibility beyond the call of duty, Major Kenneth Folkes of the Security Intelligence Bureau is relieved of his position and returns to England to work as a carpet salesman. (JAUNTY MUSIC) The irony is that the wartime government believed Ross, but they didn't believe the people they should've believed. Do we have any planes in this sector? No, nothing at all. What's this? (RADAR BEEPS) That has to be a Japanese plane! Yes, this is Piha Radar Station reporting an unidentified aircraft. (DISTORTED VOICE) Yes, sir. The Japanese. (DISTORTED VOICE) Yes, sir. He doesn't believe me. Seems amazing, really, Sandra, that they` they didn't believe them. That apparently happened, you know, from time to time, especially in the early days of radar, when they really didn't know much about what the technology was capable of. But there also seemed to be an element of when women reported things, they were disbelieved. Fortunately, um, we do know Japanese, you know, flew over Auckland at various times during the war, so it is highly likely that some of those flights were detected by the women and not believed. And it's just as well the Japanese were just having a look and then went. And then at other times something quite innocuous could very easily be mistaken for the enemy. Whales, um, flocks of birds. Your father? (LAUGHS) My father, yes. It was actually reported in the newspaper that` that submarines had been seen off the coast of Piha and along the West Coast. Eventually, it was realised it was the Piha surf boat on the way rowing up to Muriwai with my father in the back as the sweep. And he got a nickname for that, and that was Conningtower Pearse. It's lucky they didn't have any, sort of, defence batteries there; they may have started taking pot shots. They were` They could've. They could've. Yeah. There was one other hazard the women of the radar station had to watch out for ` the Americans. The Americans had very young and not very good navigators. So coming back from the Pacific, if they overflew New Zealand, they were in`in deep shite. They were on their way down to the subantarctic ocean. So the radar stations performed a really important task in guiding in these wayward Americans that were about to overfly New Zealand. Gosh, I tell you what, their navigators must have been pretty incompetent if they missed what is one of the largest islands in the Pacific. (RADAR BEEPS) Dr Isaac Featherston knew where he wanted to be, and that was at home, in the warm. But he was struggling to get there, because he was trapped in the bush with General Chute, who had foolishly predicted it would take him a mere three days to march his troops around Mt Taranaki. But chute hadn't reckoned on a Taranaki Summer,... (THUNDER RUMBLES) ...which saw torrential rain soak his men to the bone. Sodden and starving, the pride of the Empire's forces find themselves in a desperate race around the mountain before the New Zealand bush does what Maori couldn't and defeats them. Finally, they send for help, and after 10 miserable days, they stagger out of the bush. All right, men, three cheers for General Chute. Hip, hip... MEN: ...huzzah! Hip, hip... MEN: ...huzzah! Hip, hip... MEN: ...huzzah. It wasn't quite the triumphant show of strength Chute was hoping for. But much to Dr Featherston's consternation, General Chute had come around the mountain as promised. He hadn't lost a man, although he was short a few horses. And for the people of New Plymouth, that's enough reason to make some more sandwiches, reassemble the band and watch as Chute and his bedraggled 500 march under the ceremonial arch they'd built to welcome them. All that is except for Dr Isaac Featherston. And why was Dr Featherston not marching? Was it because of his sciatica, his bronchitis or his desire to challenge Chute to a duel? No. Dr Featherston couldn't attend the buffet because somewhere along the way, he's lost his trousers. Should've probably commandeered the pants of a private to cover your privates, Isaac. I should've worn my dressing gown. Exactly. (MARCHING BAND PLAYS) It's probably just as well he didn't attend, because hearing Chute describe coming around the mountain as a triumph might have forced Featherston to shoot Chute after all. (MARCHING BAND PLAYS) Copyright Able 2017