1 WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2017 CURIOUS MUSIC UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES TAPE SLOWS, REWINDS REFLECTIVE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES (CHUCKLES) I CAN'T WORK IN AN OFFICE. I DON'T LIKE WEARING SUITS. I LIKE TO RIDE. FIXED GEAR, STEEL FRAME, NO BRAKES. THE BIKE CANNOT COAST. THE PEDALS NEVER STOP TURNING. CAN'T STOP. DON'T WANT TO EITHER. HORN HONKS, TYRES SCREECH THERE ARE 1500 BIKE MESSENGERS ON THE STREET IN NEW YORK CITY. YOU CAN E-MAIL IT, FEDEX IT, FAX IT, SCAN IT, BUT WHEN NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKS AND THIS THING HAS TO BE AT THAT PLACE BY THIS TIME, YOU NEED US. SOME OF US GET KILLED OUT HERE. PEDESTRIANS ARE A MENACE. TYRES SCREECH (GASPS) CABS ARE KILLERS. ONE TIME OR ANOTHER WE ALL GET HIT. SOMETIMES WE GOTTA HIT BACK. IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA USE IT, I GUESS YOU DON'T NEED IT. HEY! MY MIRROR! AND WE STICK TOGETHER, 'CAUSE MOST PEOPLE JUST WISH WE'D GET OFF THE STREET. 'GO GET A HAIRCUT. TAKE A SHOWER. GET OUT OF THE WAY. ' STOP! HONK! PAY HEED! THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHY ANYONE WOULD RISK THEIR LIVES IN A DEATH MAZE FOR 80 BUCKS ON A GOOD DAY. BUT IF YOU'RE OUT HERE THINKING ABOUT THE MONEY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE AROUND TO SPEND IT. INTRIGUING MUSIC THUMP! (GRUNTS) HONK! HONK! THUMP! ALL SHOUT (CHUCKLES) BEEP! HEY, IT'S VANESSA. LEAVE ME A MESSAGE AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK. 'KAY, I'M ACTUALLY LEAVING A VOICE MAIL NOW. THIS IS DEMEANING. WHY WON'T YOU CALL ME? HEY. SAMANTHA HARRIS, TVM? YEP. AND SIGN HERE, PLEASE. YOU NEED A NUMBER, TOO? YOU GOT A PICKUP FOR ME? YOU ALREADY GOT IT. POSITIVE I DID NOT. NO, SOMEONE FROM YOUR COMPANY. WHAT'D HE LOOK LIKE? HE WAS PRETTIER THAN ME. SLOW ROCK MUSIC WHOO! HEY, WATCH YOUR BACK. CELL PHONE RINGS MANNY'S OFFICE, THIS IS MANNY. DUDE, YOU JUMPED MY ROUTE? I HAD A DROP-OFF. IT WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE, MAN. DUDE, BUT THAT'S MY TAG. THEN HOW COME IT'S IN MY BAG? I'M COMING TO GET IT. WASTING YOUR TIME, MAN. I'M ALMOST THERE ALREADY. WELL, I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU. YO, IT ISN'T YOURS, IT'S MINE NOW. LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. OH, I'M GETTING WORRIED, DUDE. REAL CONCERNED. IT'S BEEN A COUPLE OF DAYS. MANNY'S A GENTLEMAN, BUT MANNY'S GOT APPETITES. CLICK! ASSHOLE. TRAFFIC BUSTLES NO, NO, NO, SWEETHEART. THINK GANDHI, NOT SITTING BULL. BOOM! YES, I'M ALREADY ON IT. SWEETHEART, I GOTTA GO. SECURITY COURIER. UH-HUH. GET LINE TWO A 20 ON SQUID. I'M RIGHT HERE. GODDAMN RADIO GOT RUN OVER. RAJ. WHAT THE HELL, MAN? MANNY JUMPED MY ROUTE? IS IT SO? YES, IT'S SO. YOU SHOULDN'T TRY TO BE ZEN, DUDE. YOU'RE WEARING A GOLD CHAIN. TITO, MY MIDTOWN MONSTER, SLOW AND STEADY COMES IN LAST. YOU GET PASSED BY A HOT DOG CART TODAY? THE PEDALS TURN, RAJ. NOT JUST THE LEFT ONE, BUT THE RIGHT ONE, TOO. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. THE WORDS HE SAYS, THEY DON'T GO TOGETHER TO CREATE MEANING IN A TRADITIONAL SENSE, BUT I BELIEVE IT IS PROFOUND. HEY, I'M LIGHT. YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE TODAY? I NEED ANOTHER JOB. THE PEDALS TURN, MY FRIEND, THE PEDALS TURN. THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. WELL, TITO SAID IT, NOT ME. HEY. NO HELLO? HEY, VANESSA, I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA FIX THAT WHEEL AND GET BACK OUT THERE. YEP. WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BACK? I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY. OK, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO KISS ME RIGHT NOW. WHY? YOU DON'T WANT ME TO? MY HAND TO GOD, I DON'T. THEN WHY DID YOUR BACK JUST ARCH? IT DID NOT. YES, IT DID. NOPE. LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES. SEE, YOU DID IT AGAIN. STOP! REALLY? COME ON. NO. OK. RIDE SAFE. PHONE RINGS SECURITY COURIER. YO, NIMA, WHAT'S UP? YEAH, HE'S HERE. WHERE WE GOING? OK. OK. ALL RIGHT. GREAT. GOT IT. WILEE, YOU'RE IN LUCK. YOUR ALMA MATER SUMMONS. 116TH STREET ENTRANCE, LAW SCHOOL MAIN OFFICE, DROP IS IN CHINATOWN. I NEED YOU SOUTH OF PELL IN 90 MINUTES. LET'S GO. YOU'RE GETTING $50 FOR THAT RUN AT LEAST. GIVE ME $40. FORGET IT. TITO. NEVER MIND. MARCO. POLO. I GOT A NICE LONG RUN FOR YOU GUYS. CAN'T DO IT. WHY NOT? GOTTA GET HAMMERED. FAIR ENOUGH. COME ON, MAN. I'M TIRED, I'M HUNGRY, MY DAY IS TAKING A TURN FOR THE SHITTY, GIVE ME THE $40. I'LL GIVE YOU $30. DON'T SCREW IT UP. IT'S PREMIUM RUSH. HEY, WILEE. YOU AND ME, MAN! CENTRAL PARK. JUST ONE LAP. STRAIGHT UP BICYCLE RACE. NO WHALE RIDING, NO BUMPER SURFING AND YOUR ALLEYCAT BULLSHIT. I'LL KICK YOUR ASS, MAN. HAVE YOU SEEN MY THIGHS? HAVE YOU SEEN MY THIGHS? 1 CELL PHONE RINGS WHAT DO YOU WANT? SO YOU INTO SPANDEX NOW? ON YOUR RIGHT! GOD, CAN YOU FORGET ABOUT MANNY? HE'S JUST HELPING ME MOVE. MOVE? WHAT, YOU GUYS ARE MOVING? NO, I'M MOVING, SHE'S STAYING. WHY? I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. SHE WANTS ME OUT BY THE END OF THE DAY. WHAT, DID YOU GET INTO A FIGHT WITH HER, TOO? I'LL CALL YOU BACK. SHIT. HEY, WALK THAT THING! WILEE? IT IS YOU. HEY, MAN. HEY, WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO, MAN? YOU KNOW, RUNNING REDS, KILLING PEDS. I HEARD YOU NEVER TOOK THE BAR. IT'S ON MY LIST. DON'T STRESS ABOUT IT. HEY, THEY SAY IF YOU SNORT SOME RITALIN, IT'S A CAKEWALK. SAGE ADVICE, MR HAND. HEY, NIMA. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS YOU WHO CALLED. THAT IT? IT MUST BE THERE BY 7:00. DELIVER ONLY TO SISTER CHEN. WHERE AM I GOING? CHINATOWN. 147 DOYERS. IS THAT GOING TO BE DIFFICULT? WOULD BE FOR SOME. IT'S A TINY STREET, VERY HARD TO SEE... I'LL FIND IT. TIME IS NOW 5:33. SIGN HERE AND PRINT YOUR NAME UNDER IT, PLEASE. YOU OK? I HEARD YOU GOT ROOMMATE TROUBLES. I FEEL BAD, I KINDA HOOKED YOU GUYS UP. DELIVER ONLY TO SISTER CHEN. IT MUST BE THERE BY 7:00. IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. ALWAYS IS. GONNA NEED THE ENVELOPE. THANKS. HAVE A NICE DAY. HEY! HEY, THERE YOU ARE. HEY! HEY, EXCUSE ME, MESSENGER GUY. THAT ENVELOPE YOU PICKED UP, I GOTTA ASK FOR IT BACK. WHO ARE YOU? FORREST J. ACKERMAN. HEAD OF CAMPUS SECURITY. THE WOMAN WHO GAVE YOU THE ENVELOPE, SHE'S NOT AUTHORISED TO USE THE SCHOOL ACCOUNT. IT'S AN INTERNAL MATTER I'VE BEEN INVESTIGATING. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. CAN I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE? YEAH, THE THING IS, ONCE IT GOES IN THE BAG, IT'S GOTTA STAY IN THE BAG UNLESS I HEAR FROM A DISPATCHER. FINE. CALL HIM. I'LL TALK TO HIM. I GOT THE RECEIPT RIGHT HERE. NIMA GAVE THAT TO YOU? WHO? NIMA. YOU DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE WOMAN YOU'RE INVESTIGATING? YEAH. NIMA, RIGHT. I'M SORRY, I COULDN'T HEAR YOU. YOUR MOUTH WAS FULL. THING IS, MAN, COMPANY I WORK FOR, IT'S CALLED 'SECURITY COURIER.' THE 'SECURITY' PART MEANS THAT ONCE PEOPLE GIVE US THEIR SHIT, WE DON'T JUST HAND IT OUT TO RANDOM STRANGERS ON THE STREET, SO... LISTEN, I JUST SPENT $7 ON THIS DELICIOUS URBAN FOOD LOG, SO IF YOU'D STEP ASIDE AND LET ME EAT, THAT'D BE GREAT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WILEE. WILEE. WILE E? LIKE THE COYOTE? MM-HM. THAT'S CUTE. THANKS. YOU GOT A REAL NAME? A GIRLFRIEND? FAMILY? PEOPLE WHO GIVE A SHIT IF THEY SEE YOU AGAIN? WHO ARE YOU, MAN? I'M THE GUY YOU DON'T FUCK WITH. HOLD MY LOG. HEY! HAVE A NICE DAY, DOUCHE BAG! OK. CELL PHONE RINGS, CAR HONKS I JUST WANTED TO SAY I WAS SORRY. THAT THING WAS IMPORTANT TO ME. MAYBE THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT TO YOU... NO, IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME. I JUST FORGOT, THAT'S ALL. OK, I GET IT. LOOK, THIS IS THREE SORRYS NOW. IT'S ACTUALLY ONLY TWO. WELL, YOU HUNG UP ON ONE OF 'EM, SO THAT'S ON YOU. I DON'T GET IT. HONESTLY? WATCH IT! MAN: WHOA! WOMAN: (SCREAMS) EXCUSE ME. I JUST DON'T GET IT. I MEAN, YOU HAVE OPPORTUNITY AND ALL THAT BRAIN AND YOU THROW IT AWAY. LOOK, WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION? YOU GET IT. YOU RIDE LIKE I DO. NO, I RIDE, BUT NOT LIKE YOU, WILEE. I PUT A BRAKE ON MY BIKE AND I USE IT. YEAH, AND THAT BRAKE'S GONNA GET YOU KILLED. YOU SHOULD GET RID OF THAT. THE WORST SHIT THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME HAPPENED WHEN I HAD A BRAKE. BRAKES ARE DEATH. YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT THING YOU SAY, IT'S NOT AS CUTE ANY MORE. YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANT. WHEN I SEE A GUY IN A GREY BUSINESS SUIT, MY AGE, MAKES MY BALLS SHRIVEL UP INTO MY ABDOMEN. WHATEVER. HI, ALONZO. WE GET PAID TO RIDE. WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THAT? DO YOU KNOW WHY I RIDE? BECAUSE I HATE WAITING TABLES. THANK YOU. LOOK, I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T COME TO YOUR SCHOOL THING. BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW? MY 'SCHOOL THING'? IT WAS GRADUATION AND YOU BLEW IT OFF FOR A RACE. LOOK, I KNOW IT TOOK ME EIGHT YEARS TO GET MY DEGREE, BUT I'M GONNA GET A DECENT JOB AND SIT BEHIND A DESK ALL DAY. I DON'T NEED ANYONE IN MY LIFE TELLING ME THAT IT'S MEANINGLESS 'CAUSE IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME. AND I NEED TO KNOW THAT I CAN COUNT ON YOU. HONK! HONK! HONK! HELLO? I GOTTA GO. OF COURSE YOU DO. I'M GONNA CALL YOU BACK. HONK! HONK! HEY, WHAT? DOUCHE BAG? WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? COME ON, SON, THIS IS SILLY. YOU'RE GONNA SKIN YOUR KNEE. I THINK I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, THOUGH. JUST PULL OVER, RIGHT UP HERE. COME ON. YOU'RE A VERY UNCOOPERATIVE GUY, YOU KNOW THAT? COME ON, GIVE IT TO ME! NO! YOU TAKE CARE NOW! SHIT! TYRES SQUEAL CARS HONK ENGINE REVS CARS HONK CARS HONK, ENGINE REVS TRAIN HONKS WHOA! AARGH. SHIT. AH, I'M CHASING A BICYCLE. (CHUCKLES) ENGINE REVS (GASPS) TYRES SQUEAL CARS HONK JESUS. CARS HONK AH, TRICKY. YOU MORON! YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU MANIAC! SORRY! MY FAULT! HEY! GIVE ME THE ENVELOPE! WHAT? YOU CAN HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE SHIT. SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT'S IT TO YOU? COME ON! HONK! HONK! HONK! GIVE ME THE GODDAMN ENVELOPE! OH, THAT? NO. (SCOFFS) NO, NO, NO. TYRES SQUEAL, CAR HONKS I JUST WISH THEY WOULDN'T RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, LOOK, I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE GOT A JOB TO DO. WHOA! THUMP! EXCUSE ME! (CHUCKLES) WHOA! HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY! SLOW DOWN! (GASPS) THUD! (GRUNTS) NOW, SEE? I TOLD YOU THIS WOULDN'T END WELL FOR YOU. HUH? WHERE'D YOU GO? CAMERA CLICKS HEY! COME HERE! YO! WHOA. HEY! YO, YOU CRAZY? NYPD! I WANNA TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE! GREAT. HEY! PULL OVER! HEY! AARGH! DELINQUENT SCUM! RED SHIRT ON THE BICYCLE! NYPD! YOU JUST CAUSED AN ACCIDENT BACK THERE! PULL OVER! HONK! HONK! COME ON. OH, SHIT! THUMP! (GASPS, GRUNTS) THUD! MY BABY! UGH! (SCREAMS) CARS HONK, PEDESTRIANS SCREAM CARS HONK (CHUCKLES) SHIT. YOU LITTLE SHIT. 1 THANKS FOR HELPING ME WITH THIS. YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU. WELL, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT ON MY OWN, SO THANKS. LOOK, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS, BUT YOU KNOW YOU SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF HEARTACHE BREAKING UP WITH THE COYOTE MAN. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, HE'S CRAZY. AND IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S SOME GREAT CYCLIST OR SOMETHING. I MEAN, HE'S JUST GOT A DEATH WISH, THAT'S ALL. THAT'S NO SKILL. ONLY REASON HE BEATS ME IN ALLEYCATS IS 'CAUSE THE MAN GOT A MENTAL INSTABILITY. I MEAN, ALL THAT FIXIE BULLSHIT. YOU KNOW, THE NO BRAKES, NO GEARS. THAT'S RIDICULOUS. YEAH, I HEAR YA. LOOK, THINK ABOUT IT, OK? HE'S BROKE HIS LEFT COLLARBONE TWICE. GOT A COUPLE CONCUSSIONS, A PIN IN HIS WRIST. THAT'S WHEN HE WAS DOING ALL THAT TRICK STUFF. HE'S NOT INTO THAT ANY MORE. OK, SURE, BUT THE WAY HE RIDES. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU? HOW MUCH HE LOVES IT, I GUESS. THEN HE'S GOT HIM SOME CONFUSED PRIORITIES, BABE. YEAH. NO, MANNY. (SCOFFS, CHUCKLES) HEY, MY ROOMMATE'S IN SOME KIND OF TROUBLE AND SHE WON'T TEXT ME BACK. CAN YOU JUST DROP ME OFF OVER ON BROADWAY? PLEASE? I GOTTA GO FIND HER. OK, OK. OK. THANKS. JESUS. SHIT. THIS DOUCHE BAG TRIED TO... I CAN HEAR YOU. SORRY. GUY TRIED TO ROB ME AND RUN ME OVER WITH HIS CAR. ARE YOU INJURED? NO. YOU WANNA FILE A COMPLAINT? NO, I WANT HIM ARRESTED. IT'S LIKE ATTEMPTED VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER, OR WHATEVER. IS IT, YOUR HONOUR? HAVE A SEAT, SOMEONE WILL BE RIGHT OUT TO TAKE YOUR STATEMENT. I ALSO HAVE A PICTURE OF HIS LICENCE PLATE NUMBER. THAT'S FANTASTIC. HAVE A SEAT, SOMEONE WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN. HOLY MOLY. HEY. WHAT DO YA KNOW? DETECTIVE MONDAY GRACES US WITH HIS PRESENCE. YEAH. I'M SORRY I'M LATE. YOUR WIFE HAD A LOT OF UNUSUAL REQUESTS. YEAH? SHE STILL GOT THAT RASH? YEAH. I WORKED AROUND IT. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR FACE, MONDAY? GODDAMN TOOTH WENT ABSCESS ON ME, VICIOUS LITTLE BASTARD. I GO TO THE DENTIST, SON OF A BITCH GOT ME IN THE WAITING ROOM AN HOUR AND A HALF. FINALLY, HE SITS ME IN THE CHAIR, TAKES ONE LOOK AT IT... YANKS IT RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? YEAH, THAT'S WHY I'M LATE. ALL SPEAKS CANTONESE OH, YEAH. YEAH. GOT YOU NOW, SUCKER. MONSTER HAND, MONSTER HAND. JESUS, YOU'RE KIDDING ME! GODDAMN SHIT! NO! NEXT TIME BETTER LUCK, BOBBY, HUH? NOT BAD HAND, NOT BAD HAND. ALMOST, BOBBY. EVERYTHING OK, BOBBY? IT'S GREAT. I JUST GOTTA GET TO WORK IS ALL. SAME OLD, SAME OLD. MR MONDAY, MR SUNDAY. (GROANS) REBUY. (SPEAKS CANTONESE) HELLO? REBUY. LET ME GET YOU A COKE, BOBBY. NO, THANK YOU. I NEED FIVE GRAND. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? IT'S UP TO 17. WHICH HAPPENS TO BE MY LUCKY NUMBER. THIS ISN'T YOUR GAME, MAN. ANGLOS DON'T HAVE THE MATH FOR PAI GOW. MR LIN THINKS... WHAT DOES MR LIN THINK? HE CAN'T GET SHUT DOWN 'CAUSE A COP OWES HIM A FEW DOLLARS? COME ON, YOU DON'T WANNA TALK LIKE THAT. 72ND STREET. BROOKLYN PLAYERS. THEY ALL WENT DOWN EVENTUALLY. THEY ALL GO DOWN, CHARLIE CHAN. MAYBE YOU NEED TO GO GET SOME FRESH AIR. YOU TAKE A WALK IN THE PARK! I WANT A REBUY! SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY. SORRY. SORRY. LOOK, IF YOU REALLY NEED CASH... I SHOULDN'T BE TELLING YOU THIS. WHAT? YOU KNOW THAT BITCH SNAKEHEAD MY SISTER WORKS FOR? YEAH. SHE SAID THEY GOT A SERIOUS TICKET COMING DOWN FROM A HAWALADAR IN MORNING SIDE, TONIGHT. HOW MUCH IS IT WORTH? FIFTY GRAND. AND THAT TICKET IS AS GOOD AS CASH. IF YOU GET A HOLD OF THAT THING AND BRING IT HERE, YOUR MONEY PROBLEMS WITH US ARE OVER. MAYBE I TAKE A LITTLE FINDER'S FEE, LET'S JUST SAY A THIRD. MR LIN GETS THE REST, AND YOU'RE EVEN. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A CHANGE-SNATCHER TO YOU? I'M A COP. I LOOK LIKE A PURSE-PINCHER, A GODDAMN MUGGER? I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT. YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT, THEN BE A BIG BOY, GO TO THE SHY, BORROW WHAT YOU GOTTA BORROW. MR LIN GETS HIS 17, YOU'RE RIGHT BACK IN. YEAH. WHAT'S THE VIG? TWENTY POINTS. THAT'S RIDICULOUS. DON'T TAKE IT. FROM OUR FRIENDS IN OZONE PARK? YOU WISH. BRIGHTON BEACH. SHIT. SERIOUSLY, DON'T TAKE IT. GIVE IT TO ME. NAH. HEY, WHERE YOU GOING? HE TOOK IT ACROSS THE STREET. I HAVE NOW SEEN IT ALL. LOOK AT THAT SICK BASTARD. (SPEAKS CHINESE) COME ON. YEAH, COME ON, COME ON. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO PUT THAT ALL IN ONE HAND? YEAH, I'M SURE. COME ON. THIS IS THE ONE. LET'S SEE, WHAT DO WE GOT HERE? WHAT DO WE GOT? KEEP YOUR EYES TO YOURSELF, ALL RIGHT, BUDDY? I'M NOT DONE. SIX PLUS SEVEN IS SHIT! SIX PLUS FIVE IS SHIT. EIGHT PLUS FIVE IS SIX... IS SEVEN... IS SHIT. IT'S ALL SHIT, NO MATTER HOW YOU ADD IT UP. YEAH. WHATEVER, WHATEVER. THANKS A LOT. THUD! (GRUNTS) THAT A CHINESE PHONE BOOK? YEAH. (GASPS) DON'T STOP YET. WHY, YOU GETTING TIRED? HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. TIRED, MY ASS. (GROANS) ALL SPEAK CANTONESE WHAT... THAT... THAT'S MY TOOTH! YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I SAID NOTHING PERMANENT! HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU! GET OVER HERE! THERE ARE GODDAMN RULES ABOUT THIS SHIT! OK? YOU THINK IT DOESN'T APPLY? I'LL TAKE A LUMP OR TWO IF I CROSS THE LINE, BUT YOU THINK I'M GONNA GROW NEW TEETH AT MY AGE? MR LIN... MR LIN! HEY! WHAT? LS MR LIN IN CHARGE? IS MR LIN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING, BOYS. I AM A COP! YOU DO NOT DO THIS! HEY. COME ON, IT WASN'T THAT BAD. (SPEAKS CANTONESE) HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT. COME ON. COME ON, PAPI. (GRUNTS) YEAH, THERE YOU GO. SEE? GET YOUR BUDDY TO BELLEVUE. FOURTEEN MINUTES. I TIMED IT. THAT'S HOW LONG IT TOOK YOU TO SOAK YOURSELF IN GASOLINE AND SET IT ON FIRE. THAT TICKET YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT? I THINK I'M GONNA NEED THE ADDRESS. CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE 1 YEAH, THE GODDAMN DENTIST. IS THAT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON FOR YOU? TWO HOURS IN THE CHAIR. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? WELL, A MAN'S GOTTA DO WHAT A MAN'S GOTTA DO. I'M GONNA GO GET MY MORPHINE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 1 1 YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FIREMEN. WHAT ABOUT 'EM? THEY HANG OUT TOGETHER, YOU KNOW, THEY WORK OUT. THEY COOK PASTA. POSE FOR CALENDARS. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE SHOULD DO THAT. I'M NOT POSING FOR ANY CALENDAR. NO TOWELS? DEPRESSING. 1 HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE, LANCE ARMSTRONG. HEY, WHAT'S UP? HEY, GUYS. HOLD UP A MINUTE. WHAT'S UP? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I JUST GOT MY ASS KICKED BY A KID ON A BICYCLE. JESUS, YOU OK? I'M ALL RIGHT. MONDAY, COME ON, WE GOTTA SEE THAT GUY. YEAH, ALL RIGHT. MONDAY, SERIOUSLY, WE GOTTA GO. LET'S GO. YOU TALK TO HIM THIS TIME. HE RESPONDS TO YOU BETTER. REALLY? I DON'T KNOW WHY. I CAN'T STAND THE GUY. YEAH, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. MONDAY, ARE YOU COMING? YEAH, I... I FORGOT MY BULLETS. I'LL MEET YOU GUYS THERE, OK? WHO FORGETS THEIR BULLETS? MONDAY. 1 SHIT. HEY, RED SHIRT! NYPD! COME ON, DUDE. CELL PHONE RINGS OH, REALLY? I'M WORKING ON IT. THE GUY'S DEAD. WHAT? THE GUY YOU BEAT UP, BOBBY. HE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE RIDE TO THE HOSPITAL. YOU GOT A REAL KNACK FOR MAKING IT WORSE, YOU KNOW THAT? GOD DAMN IT. I'LL MAKE AMENDS. START WITH THE MONEY. GET THAT TICKET. BRING IT TO MR LIN'S SHOP ON 28TH. YOU GOT ONE HOUR. HEADS UP. LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT. OUTTA THE WAY. CARS HONK POLICE! ON YOUR LEFT, LADY, LOOK OUT! JESUS CHRIST. TYRES SCREECH WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? HELLO, EVERYBODY! STAND STILL! LADY, STAND STILL! YOU'RE GOOD. THERE YOU GO. POLICE! COMING THROUGH. LADY, PLEASE. HEADS UP, MAN. CARS HONK (GRUNTS, GASPS) WHOA, BUDDY! OH, MY GOD! STOP ALREADY! YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF, I SWEAR TO GOD! KEEP THE KIDS BACK! KEEP 'EM BACK! NYPD! OH NO! (GASPS, GRUNTS) GOD DAMN IT! CARS HONK (PANTS) CHILDREN CHATTER, LAUGH MISTER! THAT WAY! GET YOUR ARMS INSIDE THE BUS! HONK! HONK! LINE RINGS DISPATCH. WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME, MAN? WHAT THE HELL AM I CARRYING? WILEE? WHERE ARE YOU? I DO NOT CARRY DRUG SHIT, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS! IT'S NOT DRUGS. IT CAN'T BE DRUGS. IT'S FROM A HIGHLY RESPECTED EAST COAST COLLEGE. IT'S PROBABLY DRUGS. YEP. LISTEN TO ME. I ALMOST GOT MY ASS KILLED THREE TIMES IN THE LAST 20 MINUTES! AND IT WASN'T MY FAULT! IS SOMEBODY MESSING WITH YOU? YOU NEED BACKUP? NO. I JUST WANNA GET RID OF THE THING. WELL, I GOT NOBODY ELSE. THE ONLY PERSON HERE IS TITO, AND I CAN'T SEND HIM THAT FAR NORTH. THE GUY'S, LIKE, 98 YEARS OLD. NO OFFENCE. DUDE, JUST CALL THE COLLEGE AND TELL THEM I'M BRINGING THE PACKAGE BACK, OK? I'M DONE WITH IT. NO, NO, DON'T TAKE IT BACK! COME ON! WILEE... MANNY. JUST THE PERSON I NEED TO SEE. WHAT'S UP? YEAH, HELLO. I'M CALLING ABOUT AN ORDER YOU JUST PICKED UP. ORDER NUMBER? UM... YEP, YEP, GOT IT RIGHT HERE. 2231970. YEAH, THAT'S IT. I'M GONNA NEED TO CHANGE THE DELIVERY ADDRESS ON THAT ENVELOPE. YEAH. ME, I'M FORREST J. ACKERMAN, DEAN OF STUDENTS. I'VE GOT THAT APPOINTMENT NOW. I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT. OK. 1 HI. HEY. I'M ALMOST DONE. MY FRIEND BORROWED A TRUCK TO HELP ME MOVE, SO I'LL BE OUTTA HERE BY 6:00. THANK YOU. I'M SORRY IT IS SO SUDDEN. YOU WILL BE ALL RIGHT? YEAH. I'M STAYING WITH MY AUNT UNTIL I FIND A PLACE. OK, GOOD. I STILL DON'T GET WHAT HAPPENED. DID I DO SOMETHING TO PISS YOU OFF OR SOMETHING? NO, I TOLD YOU, IT'S A PRIVATE MATTER. OK. EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOME THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF. WHOA. WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THAT? THIS IS MY BUSINESS. BETTER FOR YOU TO STAY OUT OF IT. ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH THAT? 'CAUSE THIS IS NEW YORK CITY, YOU CAN'T WALK AROUND WITH ALL THAT MONEY. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? DOWN THE STREET. WHERE? THE NAIL SALON. THE NAIL SALON? THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO. I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. OK. I'M COMING WITH YOU. NO, THANK YOU. 1 1 MR LEUNG? KNOCK ON DOOR NYPD. YEAH? YOU GOT A MINUTE? 1 COUNT IT. A LOT OF MONEY FOR A YOUNG LADY. TOOK ME TWO YEARS. I WORK THREE JOBS. AMERICAN DREAM, HUH? IS TO WORK THREE JOBS? THESE DAYS, YES. 1 1 PHONE RINGS SECURITY COURIER. YO, NIMA. WHAT'S UP? I HAVE A PICKUP FROM OUR OFFICE. IT WILL BE READY IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES. IS WILEE AVAILABLE? YEAH, HE'S HERE. WHERE WE GOING? OK. OK, ALL RIGHT. GREAT. GOT IT. WILEE, YOU'RE IN LUCK. YOUR ALMA MATER SUMMONS. COME ON! CAR HONKS HONK! HONK! HONK! 1 GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO. EXCUSE ME. DAMN. DAMN IT. HEY. EXCUSE ME. YEAH. NYPD. I'M LOOKING FOR A YOUNG ASIAN WOMAN, ABOUT 22, 23, BLUE SHIRT, BLACK PANTS. SHE JUST WALKED BY A MINUTE AGO. KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND HER? LET ME THINK. YEAH, I DO. HEY, WALK THAT THING! YEAH, I BELIEVE SO. THANKS. HAVE A NICE DAY. HEY! HEY, THERE YOU ARE. HEY, THERE. FORREST J. ACKERMAN, INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE, WIRE FRAUD INVESTIGATION UNIT. YES? NOW, YOUNG LADY, YOU REALISE THIS SYSTEM OF MONEY TRANSFER YOU'RE PARTICIPATING IN CIRCUMVENTS ABOUT 18 DIFFERENT UNITED STATES BANKING REGULATIONS? I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND. RELAX. IT'S NOT YOU THAT'S FACING JAIL TIME. AT LEAST I DON'T THINK SO. THESE HAWALADARS ARE KNOWN TO PREY ON UNSUSPECTING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. I'M NOT ILLEGAL. WE DON'T HAVE TO GET INTO THAT. I HAVE A STUDENT VISA. WITH YOU? AT HOME. SEE, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. YEAH, YOU LEAVE IT AT HOME, THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO GET YOURSELF DEPORTED. BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO GO DOWN TO IMMIGRATION AND TALK ABOUT THAT NOW. THAT'S TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. WE NEED TO SETTLE IT RIGHT HERE. I JUST NEED TO SEE THE ENVELOPE THE HAWALADAR GAVE YOU. PLEASE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHY SOMEONE WHO SAYS HE'S AN IRS AGENT HAS A NEW YORK CITY POLICE DETECTIVE'S BADGE. COME OVER HERE. OK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LET ME GO! OK, SMARTY-PANTS. YOU KNOW WHAT THE HR SHRINK SAID I HAVE? IMPULSE CONTROL ISSUES. LIKE YOU NEED A COLLEGE DEGREE TO FIGURE THAT OUT. I'M TELLING YOU THIS SO YOU KNOW THAT IT'S IN YOUR BEST INTEREST NOT TO LIE TO ME OR WASTE MY TIME, BUT GIVE ME THE GODDAMN ENVELOPE. PLEASE. BEFORE I LOSE MY SHIT AND RIP YOUR THROAT OUT. CLEAR ENOUGH? WHAT'S THAT? WHAT DID YOU DO? (GASPS) DAMN IT. DAMN IT. OH! HEY! EXCUSE ME! MESSENGER GUY! THAT ENVELOPE YOU JUST PICKED UP? I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK FOR THAT BACK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT IS UP WITH YOU? NOTHING. WELL, THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE NOTHING. IT'S MY PROBLEM. IT'S PERSONAL. DID THAT COP FIND YOU? YOU SAW HIM? WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM? HE SAID THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE PLANNING TO ROB YOU AND HE WAS TRYING TO STOP IT. HE WANTED TO HELP YOU. YES, HE HELPED ME VERY MUCH. WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU'RE NO FRIEND. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. YES, WE ARE. I TOLD YOU ONE THING, AND YOU ALMOST RUINED IT ALL. I'LL TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. NIMA. YOU GOTTA START TRUSTING SOMEBODY. PLEASE, TELL ME. WHAT'S GOING ON? WILEE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? NIMA. YOU CAN'T HAVE DELIVERED ALREADY, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S REALLY UNCOOL TO LET A MESSENGER SERVICE DELIVER YOUR ILLEGAL BULLSHIT. WHERE IS MY ENVELOPE? IT'S HARD ENOUGH OUT THERE. WHERE IS IT? I GAVE IT BACK TO THE FRONT DESK. DID A MESSENGER JUST COME BY AND DROP OFF AN ENVELOPE? YEAH, AND ANOTHER ONE JUST CAME AND PICKED IT UP. WHO TOLD THEM TO CHANGE THE ADDRESS? HEY. YOU GET YOUR ENVELOPE BACK? SOMEONE ELSE COME AND PICK IT UP? BUT IT'S GOING TO THE WRONG PLACE. WHAT? WHY? WHAT DO YOU CARE? (SOBS) SO, WHAT WAS THAT THING I WAS CARRYING? IT'S LIKE A RECEIPT FOR A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY. WHAT'S THE MONEY FOR? A SHE-TOU. A SNAKEHEAD. WHAT'S THAT? IT'S A KIND OF IMPORTER. RIGHT. SO YOU'RE INVOLVED IN SOME KIND OF DRUG THING? NO. WHAT ARE YOU 'IMPORTING'? MY SON. I CAME TO THIS COUNTRY ON A STUDENT VISA. HE WAS TO COME RIGHT AFTER ME. IT IS NOT ILLEGAL. HE CAN TRAVEL ON MY VISA. BUT THEN AN ARTICLE I WROTE ABOUT TIBET A LONG TIME AGO WAS POSTED ON THE INTERNET. FOR THE PAST YEAR, THEY HAVE NOT LET HIM LEAVE CHINA. SO I HAVE TO GET HIM OUT ANOTHER WAY. BECAUSE I WILL HAVE MY SON. WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND ASK FOR ME? VANESSA ALWAYS SAID YOU WAS THE BEST AT WHAT YOU DO. SHE SAYS MAYBE SHE CAN NEVER COUNT ON YOU, BUT AT WORK, THERE'S NO ONE BETTER. SHE SAID THAT? IS IT TRUE? CAN I COUNT ON YOU? LET ME SEE THE NAME ON THE SHEET. 1 HOW COME YOU DON'T ANSWER MY CALLS? BECAUSE I GOT A BUSINESS TO RUN. WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU PICKED UP AN ENVELOPE FROM NIMA AT THE COLLEGE OFFICE AT 5:30. WHERE IS IT? JESUS, WHAT IS IT WITH THIS ENVELOPE? PEOPLE LOVE IT, THEY HATE IT, THEY GOTTA HAVE IT, THEY GOTTA GET RID OF IT. IT'S LIKE CIGARETTES OR DEMOCRATS. WHERE IS THE OPENER? WHO'S GOT IT, RAJ? YOUR BOY WILEE PUSSIED OUT. HE SAID HE WAS TAKING IT BACK. SO IT'S BACK AT THE SCHOOL? NEGATIVO. SOMEBODY CALLED TO CHANGE THE DROP-OFF ADDRESS. WHY ARE THERE A MILLION TOOLS IN HERE AND NOTHING TO OPEN A BEER? A MAN OR A WOMAN? THAT WOULD BE A DUDE. SO WHO'S GONNA PICK IT UP? I GAVE IT TO MANNY. SHIT. 1 WHICH WAY ARE YOU GOING, YOU ROIDED-OUT FREAK? CELL PHONE CHIMES (SCOFFS) CELL PHONE CHIMES REALLY? (CHUCKLES) CELL PHONE RINGS, CHIMES HEY, WHERE ARE YOU? CORNER OF BROADWAY AND KISS MY ASS. WHAT DO YOU WANT? NEED THAT ENVELOPE YOU JUST GOT. OH, DO YOU REALLY? YEAH, SERIOUSLY. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS, 50 BUCKS IF I GET IT THERE BY 7:00. WHAT, YOU'RE GETTING 50? RAJ IS ONLY GIVING ME 30! YEAH, SPEED COSTS MONEY, PUSSY! PULL OVER AND GIVE IT TO ME, MAN! I'LL EXPLAIN LATER. OK, PUSSY, I'LL WAIT RIGHT HERE. THERE, I JUST STOPPED AT 112TH. BULLSHIT, DUDE, I CAN HEAR THE WIND. YOU'RE STILL MOVING. YEAH, MANNY RIDES FAST! YOU SHOULD TRY IT, IT FEELS GOOD! HELLO? ASSHOLE! CELL PHONE RINGS WILEE? NOW YOU WANT TO TALK? THIS WHOLE THING IS MY FAULT. YOU'RE HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF. I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY. CAN I CALL YOU BACK? THAT ENVELOPE NIMA GAVE YOU IS FOR HER KID. SHE HAS A KID. I KNOW. I JUST TALKED TO HER. WELL, DO YOU STILL HAVE IT? I'M CHASING IT DOWN BROADWAY RIGHT NOW. I REALLY GOTTA CALL YOU BACK. MANNY IS TAKING IT TO THE WRONG PEOPLE. I TRIED TO CALL HIM, BUT HE WON'T PICK UP. I'M ON IT. I'LL GET HIM. NO, IT'S MY FAULT. YOU DON'T NEED TO GET INVOLVED. WELL, IT'S ON MY WAY HOME ANYWAY. JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE. BABY, THIS SITUATION SUCKS. I DON'T WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR IT. HEY, JERSEY, YOU WANNA MOVE YOUR FAT-ASS SUV! YOU KNOW HOW SEXY YOU ARE WHEN YOU TALK LIKE THAT? WILEE. I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I DELIVER. WAIT! COUNT ON IT. SHIT. THUNK! (GRUNTS) (GASPS) CELL PHONE RINGS, CHIMES HEY, WILEE, I GOT AN IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU RACE ME FOR IT? YOU GET TO 28TH STREET BEFORE I DO, I'LL GIVE YOU THE ENVELOPE. WE'LL GO THROUGH THE PARK. ENTER ON 106. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT, MAN. YOU DON'T GOT THE LEGS FOR IT, MAN. AND THAT STEEL PIG YOU'RE RIDING AIN'T GONNA HELP YOU NEITHER. BE LIKE ME, BABY. PARLEE, CUSTOM-CUT CARBON FIBRE! I AM BEGGING YOU. MY BIKE FITS ME LIKE A NATURALAMB, SON. JUST LISTEN FOR ONE SECOND. SEE YOU IN THE PARK. MANNY! PEACE! GOD DAMN IT. OK. YOU WANNA RACE, LET'S RACE. CARS HONK (PANTS) CARS HONK PHONE RINGS DISPATCH. RAJ, I NEED THAT ADDRESS YOU SENT MANNY TO RIGHT NOW. MANNY? COME ON. DON'T THE THREE OF YOU EVER GET TIRED OF THIS REAL WORLD SHIT YOU KEEP PLAYING? RAJ! MANNY, WILEE, WILEE, MANNY. WHEN DOES RAJ GET TO CLIMB MOUNT VANESSA? THE ADDRESS, GOD DAMN IT! HOLD ON, LET ME LOOK FOR IT. PIECE OF SHIT. FELLAS. MANNY! I'LL GIVE YOU THE 50 BUCKS! MANNY CAN'T HEAR YOU, MANNY'S MOVING TOO FAST. COME ON, MAN, YOU DON'T WANNA DRAG YOUR HEFTY ASS UP THIS HILL. NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME, BABY. I'LL JUST DROP INTO MY LITTLE RING. HEY, FIXIE, I BET YOU WISH YOU HAD GEARS NOW, DON'T YOU? (PANTS) GRAVITY, YOU IS MY FRIEND AGAIN, BABY. WHOA! YEAH! HEY, WILEE, I GOT SOMETHING FOR YA! YOU LIKE THAT, HUH? YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO, YOU LITTLE BITCH. BOTH GROAN I GOT YOU, SPANDEX! I'M ON YOUR WHEEL! I'M IN YOUR DRAFT, DUDE! IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ON MY TEAM! SLOW DOWN! HEY. GUYS, GET OFF OF THE PATH! 21 DISPATCH. 21 DISPATCH, COME IN. 21, BIKE POST 3, YOU ON THE AIR? YEAH, THIS IS ROSELLI. GO AHEAD. YOUR BIKE FREAK. BEAT-UP WHITE BIKE, RED SHIRT? YEAH? HE'S AT IT AGAIN. PARK DRIVE, HEADED SOUTH TOWARDS 7TH. I'M ON IT. CAREFUL ON THE PATH, MA'AM. DUDE, WHEN'S THE RACE STARTING? (GRUNTS) (CHUCKLES) TRAFFIC BUSTLES PEOPLE, PLEASE! STAY AWAKE! STAY ALIVE! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! (BARKS) WHOA! AARGH! (GASPS) (LAUGHS) (GASPS) THAT ONE HURT. HONK! HONK! 1 YOU'RE TOO SLOW! 1 GIVE IT UP! NYPD! STOP THE BIKES! BOTH OF YOU! BACK IT UP! TRUCK BEEPS YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE! SCREW YOU, WILEE! TRUCK BEEPS HONK! BOTH GASP BILLY, PULL FORWARD! PULL FORWARD! HEY! BOTH GRUNT (CHUCKLES) BOTH GROAN WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS? DAMN! OH, IS THAT IT? NO! GIMME THAT! GIMME! NO! LOOK AT YOU. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! COME HERE! COME HERE! WHOO! BOTH CHUCKLE (GROANS) HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU HERE? YOU USE THAT GODDAMN BRAKE AGAIN? YEAH, I TOOK THAT SHIT OFF. OH, THANK YOU, JESUS. HEY! THEM! THEM! THIS WAY, THIS WAY. SIREN WAILS TWICE SHIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LOOKING FOR THE THING. HERE IT IS. ROLL THIS UP. REALLY TIGHT, REALLY TIGHT. OK. I MEAN, HOLY SHIT, RIGHT? I KNOW. IS IT GOOD? YEAH. COME ON, GUYS. COME ON! HEY! NO, YOU DON'T. (GASPS) OH, SHIT. WILEE! HUH? SHIT. CARS HONK HONK! HONK! THUMP! HONK! HONK! THUD! HONK! HONK! CRASH! SHIT. HONK! THUMP! THUD! (GASPS) WILEE? AREN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA GET KILLED? YOU BELIEVE IN LUCK. WHEN YOUR NUMBER'S UP, YOUR NUMBER'S UP. AREN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA GET KILLED? I MEAN, THE WAY YOU RIDE. WILEE! WILEE! AREN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA GET KILLED? YEAH, BUT IF IT COMES, THAT'S JUST GONNA COME OUTTA NOWHERE. AM I AFRAID? SURE, BUT THAT'S PART OF IT, YOU KNOW? THERE'S NO FEELING LIKE THAT. WHEN YOUR NUMBER'S UP, YOUR NUMBER'S UP. YOU COULD SAY THAT. SO YOU'RE A BUDDHIST, THEN. YO, GIVE IT UP FOR SLEIGH BELLS! THAT'S WHAT'S UP, THAT'S WHAT'S UP! SLEIGH BELLS, YO! YOU BELIEVE IN LUCK. YOU KNOW IT'S THE TAOISTS THAT BELIEVED IN LUCK. THE BUDDHA REJECTED ALL THAT. HE INSISTED ON CAUSE AND EFFECT. WHAT KIND OF BIKE MESSENGER ARE YOU? THE KIND WITH A MASTERS IN BULLSHIT AND OBFUSCATION. YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY ORIGINAL QUESTION. AREN'T YOU AFRAID OF DYING? I MEAN, THE WAY YOU RIDE. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT SCARES ME IS WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FRIENDS WHO JUST GOT OUT OF LAW SCHOOL. THAT IS COLLECTIVE INSANITY. COMPARED TO THAT, GOING DOWN BROADWAY AT 50 WITH NO BRAKES IS FINE. SOUNDS GOOD. IT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT. THE BIKE WANTS TO GO FAST. IT'S STEADIER THAT WAY. I'VE NEVER BEEN HURT GOING ALL-OUT. IT'S JUST THE HESITATION THAT'LL KILL YOU. SO YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE GUYS. NO BRAKES. NO, I HATE BRAKES. BRAKES ARE DEATH. NOW IT'S TIME TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER OF THE FIFTH ANNUAL NEW YORK BIKE MESSENGER ASSOCIATION ALLEYCAT RACE. GRAND PRIZE IS $100 AND FELIPE'S BIKE. ALL CHEER YOU LIKE THAT? TO THE WINNER FOR THE THIRD CONSECUTIVE YEAR, THE ORIGINAL BUMPER SURFER, THE COYOTE MAN, WILEE! WILEE! THAT'S MY BOY, RIGHT THERE! ALL RIGHT, BABY! WELL, COME ON. COME AND GET IT. GIVE IT UP, GIVE IT UP! YEAH! 1 YOU BACK? WHERE'S MY BIKE? YEAH, YOU'RE BACK. WHERE'S MY BIKE, SERIOUSLY? RELAX. RELAX. I CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT THE BIKE. I'M GOING WITH HIM. NO. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? HEY, I NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE. THIS WOMAN IS UNRULY. WHAT? CALM DOWN. I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING. YOU GOT TO RELAX. FINE. OK. IS THIS MY BAG? THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE THAT. HOPEFULLY THERE'S NOTHING MISSING. THIS CRAZY MAN... I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENED! BECAUSE YOU TACKLED ME! I DIDN'T MEAN TO TACKLE YOU. JUST FYI, THERE'S A LAWSUIT HAPPENING. I'M NOT SAYING I'M GONNA DO IT OR WHATNOT, BUT THERE IS ONE COMING. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, COME ON. GET YOUR STUFF. HEY, CHIEF, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. HEY, WHAT'S UP? I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. DID HE COME TO? YEAH. HE'S AWAKE. A LITTLE MESSED UP. HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF BRUISED RIBS, BUT HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT. LISTEN, I GOTTA ASK YOU A FAVOUR. YEAH, SHOOT. I HAVE GOT TO TALK TO THIS GUY RIGHT AWAY. V? THE BIKE. HIS PARTNER GOT AWAY. I GOTTA FIND HIM BEFORE HE GETS TOO FAR. IS THERE ANY WAY I COULD RIDE AND ASK HIM A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS? WHAT, RIGHT NOW? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. IF I COULD JUST SIT WITH HIM ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL? THAT'S VERY UNUSUAL. OH, YEAH? YEAH. WELL, NYPD NEEDS A FAVOUR. OK? OK, CHUM? ALL RIGHT, COME AND RIDE WITH US. ALL RIGHT. THANKS. DRIVE. HEY, BUDDY? HEY, BUDDY? HEY... THEY'RE NOT YOUR BUDDIES. YOU'RE ONE OF THESE BIKE ASSHOLES. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME THEY WASTE SCRAPING YOU SHITHEADS OFF THE STREET? THIS WHOLE CITY HATES YOU. HEY, MAN. YOU HEADED TO THE IMPOUND? YEAH. WHY? GOOD. TAKE THIS THING. I'LL MEET YOU THERE. WHEN THIS ASSHOLE COMES FOR HIS BIKE, HE'S MINE. TIME TO QUIT DICKING AROUND, SON. YOU GOT INVOLVED WITH SOME PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS. REAL DEADLINES. LIFE AND DEATH SHIT. WHAT IS THIS TO YOU? WHAT, THE SLOPE THAT GAVE YOU THE TICKET, SHE GAVE YOU SOME SAD STORY? EIGHTEEN COUSINS IN FUJIAN THAT WANNA COME TO CHINATOWN, DISH OUT MONGOLIAN BEEF WITH SNOW PEAS? WELL, LIFE'S HARD. TURNS OUT THEY CAN'T COME. IT'S FOR HER KID, MAN. DO I BOTHER HER WITH MY PROBLEMS? WHERE'S THE TICKET? (CHUCKLES) YEAH, I HEAR YOU GOT SOME CRACKED RIBS, THAT'S GOTTA STING. WE BETTER BE CAREFUL. DON'T WANT YOU BOUNCING AROUND TOO MUCH IN HERE. MIGHT POKE A LUNG. OH! OH! OH, I'M SORRY. IS THAT UNCOMFORTABLE? DOUCHE BAG. I DON'T REALLY CARE MUCH FOR THAT TERM 'DOUCHE BAG.' PEOPLE THROW IT AROUND LIKE CRAZY THESE DAYS, LIKE IT'S SUDDENLY OK. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE PEOPLE SAY NOW? 'SUCK IT.' I WAS WATCHING TV THE OTHER NIGHT, 8:30, MIDDLE OF PRIME TIME. KIDS COULD BE WATCHING. GUY SAYS, 'SUCK IT.' EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING. HA HA HA! HOW IS THAT APPROPRIATE? I'M GONNA ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS. AND YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME ONE-WORD ANSWERS, YES OR NO. EVEN A BAGBOY SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE THAT. FIRST QUESTION. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE TICKET IS? HELLO! AARGH! CARS HONK (COUGHS) YOU BETTER GIVE ME AN ANSWER OR I'M GONNA SNAP YOUR RIBS LIKE TOOTHPICKS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE TICKET IS? WILL YOU GIVE IT TO ME? GOOD BOY. JUST GET ME MY BIKE. ARE YOU NEGOTIATING? YEAH. YEAH, AND YOU'RE OUTTA TIME. YOU MIGHT HAVE THESE ASSHOLES IN THE BAG, BUT YOU CAN'T LEAN ON ME LIKE THIS WHEN WE GET TO THE HOSPITAL. THAT'S MY OFFER! GET ME MY BIKE! I'LL GET YOU THE TICKET. HOW DO WE MAKE THAT HAPPEN? MANNY. BRING ME MANNY. CELL PHONE RINGS NI HAO? (SPEAKS MANDARIN) 1 HOW YA DOING, GEORGE? CHARLIE, PULL UP TO THE SIDE! PUT IT BACK THERE? YEAH, I'M PUSHING IT THROUGH. SHIT. 1 GET OUT. COME ON. HERE THEY COME. I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS TILL THURSDAY IF HE DOESN'T HAVE IT. IT'S IN HIS BAG. WHY DO YOU THINK I WAS CHASING HIM? CAN I GET MY BIKE NOW, PLEASE? HEY. HEY, FELLAS. WHAT'S UP? TAKE THIS KID INSIDE TO GET HIS BIKE. ALL RIGHT. BUT BRING HIM BACK. WILL DO. HELLO, SIR! ROUGH DAY, HUH? YEAH. YEAH. HAVE TO ASK YOUR PERMISSION TO SEARCH YOUR BAG. YOU'RE NOT IN ANY TROUBLE AT ALL. I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE SOMEBODY MAY HAVE PUT SOMETHING IN THERE WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE. HEY, DID YOU JUST BRING A BIKE IN? END OF THE ROW. OK. HEY, YOU SEE SOMEBODY HANGING ON THE BACK OF MY TRUCK? NO, I JUST GOT HERE. LIKE WHO? LIKE SOME BATSHIT CRAZY MESSENGER CHICK. I THINK SHE WAS HOLDING ON THE WHOLE TIME I WAS ON THE WEST SIDE HIGHWAY. DAMN. SOMETHING I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL DAMN DAY. I'VE HAD A BIT OF A ROUGH DAY MYSELF. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GOT IT. (CHUCKLES) NICE! ARE THERE ANY MORE COMPARTMENTS? FOR WHAT? (GASPS) OVER HERE. I LOVE YOU FOR MORE THAN ONE REASON. GOD DAMN IT! HAVE A NICE DAY. YEAH, JUST LEAVE IT RIGHT THERE! I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, NOT A PROBLEM! SHIT. I'M GONNA SHRED THE LIVING SHIT OUTTA THAT THING. WAIT. I'LL SEE YOU OUTSIDE. HEY! WHERE IS THE LITTLE SHIT? LEFT HIM BACK THERE BEHIND THE BIKES. END OF THE ROW. YOU LEFT HIM? WHAT, YOU WANTED ME TO WATCH HIM THE WHOLE TIME? NO, I WANTED YOU TO GIVE HIM THE KEYS TO YOUR CAR, JACKASS. WHERE'D HE GO? GOD DAMN IT. BASTARD! CAN I GET SOME HELP HERE? GO ROUND THE OTHER SIDE! OUTTA MY WAY! HEY! COME HERE! CUT HIM OFF! JESUS CHRIST! HEY! CLOSE THE DOORS! OKEY-DOKE. COME ON. HEY, SOMEBODY STOP HER! THE GIRL ON THE BIKE! COME ON! CLOSE THE DOORS! ANGUS, GRAB HER! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! OH! HEY! YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE. CARS HONK CELL PHONE RINGS HELLO? HEY, YOU OUT? HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS THE MOST FUN I EVER HAD WITH MY CLOTHES ON! YOU KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM? I'M ON IT. 1 1 (SPEAKS MANDARIN) (SPEAKS MANDARIN) (SPEAKS MANDARIN) (SPEAKS MANDARIN) BOTH SPEAK MANDARIN 1 I NEED A FLASH MOB, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES AGO. PHONE RINGS 24/7 DELIVERY. MOOSEY, IT'S RAJ. HEY, WHAT'S UP, RAJ? I NEED THE CAVALRY, BRO. NO SHIT. WHERE WE GOING? PHONE RINGS ROADRUNNER. THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME, RAJ. OH, REALLY? HEY, IT'S PHOEBE. WHO'S AT THE BRIDGE? PHONE RINGS CYCLEHAWK. THIS IS JOHNNY. YEAH. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. WELL, TELL HIM I GOT IT. HE CAN SEND WHOEVER HE WANTS, THE RED ARMY, GENERAL CHOW, I DON'T GIVE A HOOT. YEAH, I HAVE THE MONEY. 147 DOYERS STREET. CROSS IS PELL. FIVE MINUTES. CELL PHONE CHIMES CELL PHONE CHIMES OH, SHIT. COME ON, I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GO. CELL PHONES CHIME TIME TO RIDE! PAY HEED, PEOPLE! HERE WE GO! 1 YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY, 'THERE'S ENOUGH TO GO AROUND FOR EVERYBODY'? THERE ISN'T. GIVE ME THE TICKET. YEAH, YOU KNOW THE THING ABOUT THESE FOLKS? THEY NEVER TESTIFY. WHO'S TO SAY YOU DIDN'T LUNGE AT ME? GIVE ME THE TICKET. WHAT, IS THAT YOUR BACKUP? YUP. CHEERING THEM, TOO. SUCK IT, DOUCHE BAG. (GASPS) GET OFF ME! STAY THE HELL OFF ME. I SAID STAY AWAY! (GRUNTS, GASPS) SISTER CHEN? DELIVERY. OH, SHIT. YEAH, WHAT? WHAT, HUH? I'M A COP, YOU ZIPPERHEADS. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? SILENCED GUNSHOT WHAT? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND. I NEED A... OH, OK. OK, JUST GIMME A BREAK. I NEED TO THINK FOR A SECOND. (GRUNTS) CELL PHONE RINGS WEI? (SPEAKS MANDARIN) (SPEAKS MANDARIN) BOTH SPEAK MANDARIN (SPEAKS MANDARIN) (SOBS) (SPEAKS MANDARIN) HEY. THANK GOD. ARE YOU OK? I'LL STILL TAKE 6TH AVENUE AT RUSH HOUR OVER AN OFFICE WITH A VIEW. MIGHT HAVE TO PUT ON THE SUIT SOMEDAY, BUT NOT YET. FIXED GEAR, STEEL FRAME, NO BRAKES. HONK! THUMP! CAN'T STOP. DON'T WANT TO, EITHER. THIS IS JOE'S BIKE. AND THAT'S WHERE HE ENDED UP. THAT'S ROUGH. THIS IS COOL. I MEAN, KIDS, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME OR NOTHING, BUT, LIKE... SERIOUSLY, LET'S GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ