1 DRAMATIC JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC 1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins and yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr Evil gets angry, Mr Bigglesworth gets upset. (Cat yowls) And when Mr Bigglesworth gets upset, people die! Aaaagh! (Laughs fiendishly) Whoa! Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots? Mustafa, Frau Farbissina, I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of Britain's top secret agent, the only man who can stop me now. We must kill Austin Powers! FUNKY '60s MUSIC (Girls squeal with excitement) Yeah! Come on, babies! Work with me, people, all right? Show me love. FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES Great, baby, yeah! Oh, behave! (Girl screams) It's Austin Powers! (Girls scream) Yeah! It's Austin Powers! (Screams) SCREAMING CROWD APPROACHES (Band plays funky music) SCREAMING CONTINUES Hello, Mrs Kensington. Hello, Austin. Why don't you ever model for me Mrs Kensington? You know how Mr Kensington feels about that. Oh, behave! (Sleazy laugh) Yeah! Yeah, baby! Yeah! Ow! ELECTRONIC TUNE Hello, Austin. I am Basil Exposition with British Intelligence. We have just received word that Dr Evil is planning a trap for you tonight at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club here in swinging London. We'll be there. HAMMOND ORGAN PLAYS PSYCHEDELIC MELODY OVER DRUMS AUSTIN: Whoo! (Girls scream) Yeah, babies! Yeah, hello, baby! Whoo! Way to go! Go on, babies! Yeah! Yeah! SONG: # Dead kings, many things I can't define # Occasions, persuasions... # Austin, it's a swinging shindig! It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out! Yeah, man! # Little to win but nothing to lose # Incense and peppermint Meaningless nouns # Turn on, tune in Turn your eyes around # Look at yourself Look at yourself # La la la Look at yourself...# Can I get you a drink, Mr Powers? Sure! Austin, we've got to look for Dr Evil. Wait. I've got an idea. GASPS OF HORROR Austin! Why on earth did you hit that woman? Right, let me show you, baby. That ain't no woman. It's a MAN, man. GASPS OF AMAZEMENT It's one of Dr Evil's assassins. MAN: Look out! He's got a knife! Good work, Mrs Kensington. All right. Get up! Get up! Right, where's Dr Evil, huh? Where is he? SCREAMING There's the bastard! Well, let's go. Coming through! Excuse me! JAMES BOND-STYLE GUITAR RIFF I've got you now, Dr Evil. Not this time. Come, Mr Bigglesworth! (Miaows) See you in the future, Mr Powers. (Laughs fiendishly) My God! He's freezing himself. DRAMATIC MUSIC BASIL: And so Dr Evil escaped and had himself cryogenically frozen to return at a time when free love no longer reigned and greed and corruption ruled again. PHONE RINGS Yes. Commander Gilmour? Speaking. Commander, this is Ritter in South-West Comm 3. We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and unorthodox entry angle. What are you saying, son? Well, it appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy. Good God! He's back. Well, in many ways, the Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high-quality meals at competitive prices. Shut up! Shall I scramble Tac HQ for an intercept? What's its current position? Well, I'm presently tracking it over Nevada. Oh, my God! The Big Boy's gone! Listen, son, I want you to forget what you saw here today. PHONE RINGS Phillips. Call the President. Sir. Prepare the jet. Bring my overnight bag. And, uh, Phillips, feed my fish. Not too much. I'm off to London, England. 'RULE BRITANNIA' PLAYS BASIL: Powers volunteered to have himself frozen in case Dr Evil should ever return. Well, I hope your boy's up to it. We don't want to have to bail you guys out again like after WWII. This is our celebrity vault. Please. So who is this Austin Powers? The ultimate gentleman spy - irresistible to women, deadly to his enemies, a legend in his own time. WOMAN ON P.A.: Attention! Stage one - laser cutting begins. PURPOSEFUL MUSIC Laser cutting complete. Stage two - warm liquid goo phase beginning. Warm liquid goo phase complete. Stage three - reanimation beginning. Reanimation complete. (Coughs) Stage four - cleansing beginning. SHOWER RUNS Cleansing complete. PURPOSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES Stage five - evacuation beginning. LIQUID FLOWS COPIOUSLY LIQUID FLOWS COPIOUSLY FLOW STOPS Evacuation com... LIQUID FLOWS AGAIN Evacuation com... DRIBBLE ..com... DRIBBLE ..com... DRIBBLE SILENCE Evacuation com... COPIOUS LIQUID FLOW RESUMES (Sings weakly) # No one's smarter than the master... # Where am I? Uh...uh... Where...where am I? You're in the Ministry of Defence. It's 1997. You've been cryogenically frozen for 30 years. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? The shouting is a temporary side effect of the unfreezing process. Yes, I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE! This is Commander Gilmour, US Strategic Command, and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence. Russian Intelligence? Are you mad? A lot's happened since you were frozen. The Cold War's over. Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Hey, comrades? Eh? Austin, we won. Oh, groovy, smashing. Yay, capitalism! (Laughs) Hello. Hello. Mr Powers, the President's quite concerned. We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada. Dr Evil. When do I begin? Immediately! You'll be working with Ms Kensington. Mrs Kensington! Austin, Mrs Kensington has long since retired. Ms Kensington is her daughter. DOOR OPENS Ah, here she is! SULTRY MUSIC Vanessa is one of our top agents. My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body. I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process I have no inner monologue? I hope I didn't say that out loud just now. Uh... Hmm? Mr Powers, my job is to acclimatise you to the '90s. You know, a lot's changed since 1967. No doubt, love. But as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time, experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound. Danger Powers' personal effects. Actually, my name is Austin Powers. It says here, "Name - Danger Powers." No, no, no, no, no. Danger's my middle name. OK, Austin Danger Powers. One blue crushed-velvet suit. Hey, all right! One frilly lace cravat. There it is! One silver medallion with male symbol. One pair of Italian boots. Buongiorno, boys. One vinyl record album, 'Burt Bacharach Plays His Hits'. Hey, Burt. How are you? One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump. That's not mine! One credit-card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger, signed by Austin Powers. I'm telling you, baby! That's not mine. One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump filled out by Austin Powers. I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby! One book, 'Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: '(This Sort of Thing Is my Bag, Baby)' by Austin Powers. Ah. Just sign the form. OK, don't get heavy, man. I'll sign - just to get things moving, you know. You all right, baby? Listen, Mr Powers... Um, I look forward to working with you but do me a favour and stop calling me 'baby'. You can address me as Agent Kensington. Oh, come on! All right, then - Vanessa. Was that so hard? Now, come along, we have to leave immediately. We've preserved your private jet just as you left it. It's waiting at Heathrow Airport. My jumbo jet! Smashing, baby! Ooh, sorry! Mr Powers. MILITARY MUSIC Quickly! Quickly, come on now. Let's go. (Hums under breath) 1 PSYCHEDELIC '60s MUSIC OMINOUS JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. It's been 30 years but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw - due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa, complications arose in the unfreezing process. But my design was perfect! Look what you did to Mr Bigglesworth! (Yowls) But, Dr Evil, we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process. Silence! Aaaargh! Let this be a reminder to you all that this organisation will not tolerate failure. MUSTAFA: Aaargh! Aaargh! GROANING FADES Gentlemen, let's get down to business. Aaargh! SCREAMING CONTINUES We've got a lot of work to do. Someone help me! I'm still alive only I'm very badly burnt! Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time. Ah! Ah! Ah! Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain. You've been gathered here to form my evil cabinet... (Groans) Excuse me. Yes, he's down there. MAN: Is he dead? No, not dead. Burnt, badly. Would you like me to take care of him? Yes. I'll kill him? Right. If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here, I could get out. FOOTSTEPS BELOW I designed this device myself. DOOR OPENS BELOW Oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you found me. I'm very badly burnt so if you could just... GUNSHOT You shot me! OK, moving on. You shot me right in the arm! Why did you... GUNSHOT SILENCE DOOR BELOW SHUTS Right. Let me go round the table and introduce everyone. Frau Farbissina, founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army. Random Task, Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire. Random Task, show them what you do. NECK CRACKS Patty O'Brien, ex-Irish assassin. His trademark - a superstitious man - he leaves a tiny keepsake from his good-luck bracelet on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence. Yeah, they're always after my lucky charms! (Laughs) What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are after my lucky charms! What? It's a television commercial with this cartoon leprechaun and all of these childrens are trying to chase him. "Hey, leprechaun man! Leprechaun man! "We want to get your lucky charms." And there's all these little tiny bits of marshmallows just stuck right in the cereal so that when the kids eat them, they think, "Oh, this is candy! "I'm having fun." (Laughs) (Falls silent) Finally, we come to my number-two man. His name... ..Number Two. For 30 years, Number Two has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire. OMINOUS MUSIC Dr Evil, over the last 30 years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About 15 years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communications industry. We own cable companies in 38 states. We own a steel mill in Cleveland, shipping in Texas, oil refineries in Seattle and a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories. Naturally, yes. Gentlemen... I have a plan. (Mr Bigglesworth yowls) It's called blackmail. As you know, the Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce! (Number Two clears his throat) Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it and they are now divorced. Right. OK, people, you have to tell me these things, all right? I've been frozen for 30 years, OK? Throw me a frickin' bone here. I'm the boss. Need the info. OK, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the '60s, I developed a weather-changing machine which was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a 'laser'. Using these 'lasers', we punch a hole in the protective layer around the world which we call the 'ozone layer'. Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer - that is unless... ..the world pays us a hefty ransom. OMINOUS MUSIC (Clears throat) That also already has happened. Shit! Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do - hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage, yeah? Good. Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian republic Kraplakistan is about to transfer a nuclear warhead to the United Nations. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... FIENDISH MUSIC SWELLS ..$1 million! (Clears throat) Well, don't you think we should maybe ask for more than $1 million? $1 million isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over $9 billion a year. Really? Mm-hm. That's a lot of money. OK, then. We hold the world ransom for... ..$100 billion! EVIL MUSIC CLIMAXES SONG: # Austin Powers! # Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh? When you see this jet a-rockin', don't come a-knockin', baby! Yeah! You must sign these release forms. Release forms? You're not officially working for the Ministry of Defence. These forms indemnify the Ministry against any mishaps that occur in the line of duty. Mishaps? Isn't that what being an international man of mystery is all about? OK. "Name?" Austin Danger Powers. "Sex?" Yes, please! How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defence? Oh. Well, I went to Oxford where I...excelled in several subjects but I ended up specialising in foreign languages. I really wanted to travel. See the world. That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go in the back and shag? What? I've been frozen for 30 years! I've got to see if my bits are still working. Excuse me? My wedding tackle! Look, I'm sorry... My meat and two veg. My twig and berries! Hello, lads! You awake? Mr Powers, Mr Powers! Please! I'd appreciate it if you could concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest. Can I, uh... ..can I show you something? SONG: # If you're feeling sad and lonely # There's a service I can render # Tell the one who loves you only # I can be so warm and tender... # I won't bite... # Call me # Don't be afraid... # ..hard! # You can call me # Baby, it's late # But just call me... # All right. # Tell me and I'll be around... # Let me ask you a question. And be honest. 'CALL ME' ON STEREO Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah! Do I? I hope this is part of the unfreezing process! PILOT: We're experiencing turbulence. Oh, turbulence! Oh, look at that! Oh, I fell over again! Get off me! Ow! Mr Powers! Oh! I will never have sex with you - ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman and the human race's future depends on us simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you. What's your point, Vanessa? SONG ON STEREO: # Call me # Don't be afraid You can call me # Maybe it's late but just call me... # Oh! # Tell me and I'll be around. # Yeah! Remember when we froze your semen? You said if it didn't look like you were coming back, we should make you a son so part of you lives for ever. Oh, sure. Well, after a couple of years we got a little impatient. Dr Evil, I want you to meet your son. My son? Ja. SCOTT! NIRVANA'S 'SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT' PLAYS DOOR SLAMS, MUSIC STOPS Hello, Scott. Hi. I'm your father. Dr Evil. I haven't seen you my whole life, and now you come back and just expect a relationship? (Scoffs) I hate you. What? Could I have a hug? No. Give me a hug. No way. Come here. No. Let's go. Forget it. Pronto. What are you doing? I'm with it. I'm hip. (Sings) # Tuk-a-tuk-a Tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a # Tuk-a-tuk-a Tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a # Tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a! # Ha. # Well, don't look at me like I'm frickin' Frankenstein. Give your father a hug. You're...hey! Don't touch me. Hug. Hug. Hug. Hug. Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho. 'MAS QUE NADA' BY SERGIO MENDES AND BRASIL '66 POWERS: Viva Las Vegas, baby, yeah! Whoa! Whoo! Yeah. Oh! Welcome to Las Vegas, sir. So...which side of the bed do you want? You're sleeping on the sofa, Mr Powers. In fact, I'd like to remind you that we're only sharing a room to keep up the context that we're a married couple on vacation. Right. Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like it? Do you wash up first? You know, top and tails. Whore's bath. Before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a "how's your father?" I'm just joking, Vanessa. I'm just trying to get a rise out of you for shits and giggles. Let's unpack. Cor blimey. Nerd alert! 'MAS QUE NADA' CONTINUES How did this get in here? Somebody's playing a prank on me. Honestly, it's not mine. Hey, Americans. Yeah. Enjoy that wine. Hey, there you are. Hi. Do I know you? No, but that's where you are. You're there. Hey, viva Las Vegas, baby. OK, Austin. Yes. Austin, there's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon which we think may be linked to Dr Evil. Plenty of the Virtucon executives are gambling in this casino. Smashing. Let's go. Look. There's one over there. Changing $1,000. Hello. Excuse me. SINISTER MUSIC Do you mind if I join you? Not at all. DEALER: The game is blackjack, gentlemen. $10,000 minimum bet. A king for you, sir, and a three for you. 17. Hit me. You have 17, sir. I like to live dangerously. Four. 21. GASPS OF AMAZEMENT WOMAN: Nice! Five. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC I'll stay. I suggest you hit, sir. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC I ALSO like to live dangerously. As you wish, sir. 20 beats your five. CROWD GASPS I'm sorry, sir. Well, I won't lie to you. Cards are not my bag, baby. Allow myself to introduce...myself. My name is Richie Cunningham and this is my wife Oprah. My name is Number Two. This is my Italian confidential secretary. Her name is Alotta. Alotta Fagina. Come again? Alotta Fagina. I'm sorry. I'm just not getting it. It sounded like you said your name was A-Lot-Of... Never mind. What exactly do you do, Mr Number Two? That's my business. Oh. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys' room. You keep your eye on the Italian bird. We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite. JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC You didn't happen to see... ..anything at all? Sorry. BLIND MAN: Ow! Howdy. SPURS JINGLE (Coughs) Oooh! That is one crazy get-up you got there, fella. Oh, thank you. Are you in the show? Ah, no, actually. I'm English. I'm sorry. Right. Hey, partner? Have a good one. OK. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CHARM BRACELET JINGLES MUSIC CLIMAXES (Powers groans) Hey, partner. Come on. You gotta relax. Don't force it. Gonna blow out your O ring, drop a lung. (Groans louder) (Whistles) Who...does...Number...Two... work...for? Who...does...Number...Two... work...for? That's right, buddy. You show that turd who's boss. Just grab a hold of something, bite your lip and give it hell. Come on. We're gonna get through this. (Blows bubbles) Hey, that sounds pretty nasty. How about a courtesy flush? TOILET FLUSHES (Yells) Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat?! 1 FUNKY '60s MUSIC DR EVIL: Gentlemen, the warhead is ours. Patch me through to the United Nations Security Secret Meeting Room. Gentlemen, my name is Dr Evil. In a little while, you'll notice that the Kraplakistani warhead has gone missing. If you want it back, you're going to have to pay me... ..$1 million. (All laugh) (Number Two clears throat) Yes, yes! Sorry. $100 billion. UPROAR IN MEETING ROOM Gentlemen, silence. Now, Mr Evil... DOCTOR Evil. I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called 'Mister', thank you very much. It is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists. Really? So long. DRAMATIC MUSIC Gentlemen, in exactly five days we will be $100 billion richer. (Laughs fiendishly) (All laugh fiendishly with Dr Evil) Whoo-hoo! VANESSA: Hello, Mummy? Oh, hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin? He's asleep. You didn't! No. I made him sleep on the sofa. Vanessa! I'm proud of you. Why? Because you've managed to resist Austin Powers' charms. God knows he tried, Mummy. I had to be rather firm with him. What about his teeth?! It's really bizarre. Darling, you have to understand, in Britain, in the '60s, you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter. Did you ever...? Me? No! Of course not. I was married to your father. Did you ever want to? Austin is...very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines. Women want him and men want to be him. Every bit an international man of mystery. Yeah, you didn't answer my question, Mummy. I know. Let me just say this. Austin was the most loyal and...caring friend I ever had. I will always love him. (Groans) Do you want to speak to him? No, it's been too long. I have to go, Mummy. I love you. Ciao, darling. A limo's just pulled up. Let me see. That's Dr Evil's cat. How can you tell? I never forget a pussy... ..cat. Oh, no. He's got away. My God, Vanessa. You are so incredibly beautiful. That's it. Yes. Yes. Yes. Come on, darling. I'm taking you out for a night on the town. PIANO PLAYS 'WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS LOVE' Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Burt Bacharach. (Sings) # What the world needs now is love, sweet love # No, not just for some but for everyone (The Posies sing) # What the world needs now # Is love, sweet love # Not just for some But for... (Upbeat lounge version) # ..everyone! # LOUNGE VERSION OF SONG CONTINUES Oh, yeah. Go on, Austin! Get on with it. I'll do it. Do you want me to do it? (Groans) Go on. Yes! OK. Right hand, green. (Laughs) (Laughs) Are you all right? Are you all right? Oh, you know what? Wait a tick. I forgot something in the lobby. Why don't I take the stairs? (Laughs) Why take the stairs when I could take the escalator? FUNKY '60s MUSIC (Snorts and laughs) Why take the escalator when I've got a perfectly good canoe? (Howls with laughter) I know what - I'll take the elevator. Austin! Yes? Come and have some champagne with me. OK! Oh, I tripped! I haven't had this much fun since college. Well, I'm sorry. Why? I'm sorry that bug up your arse had to die. (Laughs) Always wanting to have fun, Austin - that's you in a nutshell. No, this is me in a nutshell. Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell? Look at the size of this nutshell! What sort of shell has a nut like this? This is crazy! Yes, look at you. You're smashed. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver. TENDER MUSIC Oh, kiss me! I can't, darling. Why not? Because you're drunk. It's not right. No, I'm not drunk. I'm beginning to see what Mummy was talking about. I can't. Tell me all about Mummy in the '60s. I'm dying to know what she was like. She was very groovy. Your dad loved her very much. If there was one other cat in this world that could have loved her and treated her as well as your dad, then, it was me. But unfortunately for yours truly... SAD MUSIC ..that train has sailed. (Snores) Vanessa? Vanessa? Hello? (Snores) Come on, roll over. (Groans) Sleepy time. Go that way. COMPUTER RINGS (Whispers) OK, Austin needs his hand back. KEEPS RINGING COMPUTER: You've got mail! Hello, Austin. This is Basil Exposition from British Intelligence. Now, I want you to find out what part Virtucon plays in something called Project Vulcan. I'll need you to go to Alotta Fagina's penthouse immediately. JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC (Grunts) Hello! Hello! OK, great. Lovely. Smashing. Lovely. OK. Yes, yes. OK, great. Project Vulcan? Yeah, OK! Cheeky, eh? Yeah! Come on, baby, give it to me! Yes, yes... No! No! DOOR SHUTS HIGH HEELS CLICK ON FLOOR You seem surprised to see me, Miss Ffffagina. What do you want, Mr... ..Cunningham, was it? Your boss, Number Two, I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills. How did you know? I didn't, baby. You just told me. We can talk about business later. Let me slip into something more comfortable. Oh, behave! SONG: # The look of love # Is in... # Oh! # Your eyes # ...of love # Is saying so much more than just words could ever say # And what my heart has heard # Well, it takes my breath away # I can hardly wait to hold you # Feel my arms around you Come in. # You've got the look... # And I'll show you everything you need to know. # Of love... # # It's on... # And what my heart has heard # Of love... # # It's on your face # May I wash you? # That time can't erase... # Oh, groovy, baby. Yeah! MELLOW SAXOPHONE BREAK Mmm, yes. Oh, that feels yummy. (Laughs) Mmm! Mmm. Care for some...sake? Sake it to me, baby! Yes. Mmm, kinky. (Laughs) Clinky. Ooh! Oh! How do you feel, Mr Cunningham? Mmm. I feel extreme relaxation. Oop! (Laughs) How dare you break wind before me? I'm sorry, baby! I didn't know it was your turn. Pardon me for being rude. It was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello and now it's gone back down below. That's beautiful. Mmm. Thank you. Let's make love, you silly, hairy little man. (Giggles) Ooh, I say! Hello, Vicar! PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC Austin Powers is getting too close. Any suggestions? Jawohl, Herr Doktor. I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers. (Shrieks) Bring in the Fembots! INTRODUCTION TO 'THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING' SONG: # You keep saying you've got something for me # Something you call love... # Double march! # But confess... # These are the latest word in android replicant technology. Lethal, efficient, brutal. No man can resist their charms. (Shrieks) Send in the guards! # These boots are made for walking # And that's just what they'll do... # Kill these women. # And one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you # Are you ready, boots? # (Miaows) # Start walking! # Quite impressive. Thank you, Herr Doktor. I like to see girls of that...calibre. By 'calibre', of course, I mean both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters. Two meanings, 'cal...ibre'. It's a homonym. That's... Forget it. At ease, boys. MILITARY MUSIC Austin, I want to show you something. We're going to outfit you with this. It looks like a watch but in fact, it's a geosynchronous positioning device. Very shagadelic. And then there's this. OK, let me guess. The floss is garotte wire, the toothpaste is plastic explosives and the toothbrush is the detonation device. No, actually. Well, since you've been frozen, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry. What do you mean? Nothing. Oh, look, here's Basil. Hello, Exposition. Austin, let me bring you up to speed. Dr Evil has hijacked a nuclear warhead from Kraplakistan! Only two things scare me - and one is nuclear war. What's the other? Excuse me? What's the other thing that scares you? Carnies! What? Circus folk. Nomads, you know. They smell like cabbage. Small hands. Oh...indeed. Perhaps these photographs are the last piece of the puzzle. Aha! I've uncovered the details of Project Vulcan. Oh, good God! An underground missile? Austin, where did you find these? Austin did some reconnaissance work last night at Alotta Fagina's penthouse. Oh. Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. Any ideas? Hmm. Oh, yes. Virtucon runs a tour of its facility every hour. I thought perhaps we could disguise ourselves as tourists and do some on-site reconnaissance. Top drawer, Kensington. Oh, Austin, I'd like you to meet somebody. This is my mother, Mrs Exposition. How do you do? Oh! Austin! My God, man, what have you done? That's not your mother! It's a man, baby! Yah! Oh! Come on! Ow! Why won't this wig come off? Help! Ugh! Austin! Yeah, hold on. One second. Let go of my mother! Oh! Oh! Oh, Mother! Mother, are you all right? Oh, dear. What? Austin, have you gone mad? No! You have a lot of explaining to do! I'm sorry, Basil. I thought she was a man. Dammit, man! You're talking about my mother! You must admit she is rather mannish. Austin! Well, no offence. But if that is a woman, she was beaten with an ugly stick. What?! Really, Austin. PSYCHEDELIC INDIAN MUSIC OK, give in to the beauty of your feelings and say the words. Come on! I love you, Dad! I love you too, son! Bravo! That's a breakthrough. Great! Breakthrough. Beautiful! Way to go! OK, group, we have some newcomers here today with us. Say hello to Scott and his father, Mr... ..Avil? Evil, actually. OMINOUS MUSIC Dr Evil. ALL: Hello, Dr Evil. Hello, Scott. Hello, everybody. So, Scott, why don't we start with you? What brings you here with us today? I just really met my dad for the first time five days ago. I was partially frozen his whole life. That is beautiful that you can admit to that. He comes back - now he wants me to take over the family business. Scott, who's gonna take over the world when I die? Listen to his words - "Take over the world when I die." It feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it? MURMURS OF AGREEMENT So what do you want to do, Scott? I don't know. I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet. An evil vet? No. Maybe like work in a petting zoo. An evil petting zoo? You always do that! What? What? I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me. Now, Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here. We might say we do sometimes but we really don't. LAUGHTER Actually, the boy's quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily - like his old man. This is what I'm talking about. OK, well, we've heard from you, Scott. Now, uh...you tell us a little about yourself. The details of my life are quite inconsequential. No, please, please! Let's hear about your childhood. OTHERS: Yeah! Come on! Come on, come on, please. Very well. Where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanise, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon. Luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Virnah ritualistically shaved my testicles. GASPS OF HORROR There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it. You know, we have to stop. VANESSA: Austin, can I have a word? Of course you may, love. Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but... ..I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary, you know, Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid but I've had some bad relationships in the past and I have been known to be...jealous. I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry, baby! You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her. What? I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah! I don't believe you, Austin! She was repellent! Saucer of milk, table two. Miaow! What - did you use protection? Course! I had my 9mm automatic. You know I meant did you use a...condom? No! Only sailors use condoms, baby! Not in the '90s, Austin! Well, they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port. Well, Vanessa, don't have a thrombo. Alotta meant nothing to me. Well, it means something to me. Austin, if you want us to have a relationship, get it into your head that times have changed. You can't just shag anybody any more and if you could, I wouldn't because I'm not like that. Vanessa. You're everything to me. You just don't get it, do you? Goodnight, Austin. Welcome to the '90s. You're going to be very lonely. WISTFUL VERSION OF 'WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS LOVE' Hey. Hey, check this guy out. Peace! Peace, yeah! LAUGHTER CONTINUES WISTFUL MUSIC CONTINUES Jimi Hendrix. Deceased. Drugs. Janis Joplin. Deceased. Alcohol. Mama Cass. Deceased. Ham sandwich. 'WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS LOVE' CONTINUES LOUD SCRATCHING ASTRONAUT: Oh, Jeez, that's great. Is the lighting halfway decent? HOUSTON: Yes, indeed. They've got the flag up now. You can see the Stars and Stripes. That's beautiful. Just beautiful. (Crowd on TV chants) Morning, Austin. You know, I sometimes forget you've missed out on the last 30 years. The fall of the Berlin Wall. The first female British Prime Minister. The end of apartheid. Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him. I didn't see that one coming. No. The tour is about to begin, so please, take your seats. Welcome to Virtucon, company of the future. Virtucon is a leading manufacturer of many items you can find right in your own home. Do you think she's prettier than me? Who? You know who. Oh, the Italian bird! No, baby, she's rancid. I think you're shagadelic, baby. You're switched on, you're smashing. We make steel, petroleum products and volatile chemicals. But don't worry about the Italian bird, OK? She's the village bicycle. Everyone's had a ride. ..you're using a Virtucon product! On your right, you'll notice a door leading to a restricted area. Only authorised personnel are allowed in... I'll take him. You take her. SNEAKY MUSIC Let's go. It's Bolton. We've got a problem. ALARM BEEPS P.A.: Intruders in the complex. Intruders in the complex. Oh, watch out! MAN: Halt! Security! This way! Judo chop! GUNFIRE They're coming! Hang on. I'm going to floor it! Watch out! Move! Move! Move! Careful, Austin! (Screams) Watch out! Watch out! (Screams) Watch out! CRUNCH! Urgh. Let's go. Come on, let's go. Oh, thank goodness we made it, Austin. All right, stay very cool, baby. OK. 1 GRIM JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER TANNOY Mr Powers, welcome to my underground lair. You're just in time. Enjoy the show. Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan, the world's most powerful subterranean drill. Does that make you horny? Not now, Austin. It's so powerful it can penetrate the earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead deep into the liquid hot core of the planet. Upon detonation, every volcano on earth will erupt. GASPS OF HORROR It seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom. You have my instructions. Bye-bye. Check it out, Butthead. This chick has three boobs! (Laughs sleazily) How many butts does she have? DISMAY CONTINUES IN CONFERENCE ROOM (Laughs triumphantly) Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr Powers? I designed them myself. CHAIR WHEELS SQUEAK BURST OF GRUNGE MUSIC Oh! DOOR SLAMS Scott! Scott, my boy, how are you? How was your day? My friend Jay took me to that video arcade. They don't speak English so Jay got into a fight. He's all, "Quit hassling me! I don't speak French." The guy says something in Paris talk and I'm, "Just back off!" They're all, "Get out!" We're like, "Make me!" It was cool. Fascinating. What are your plans for this evening? I thought I'd stay in. There's a good titty movie on Skinemax. That's how you'd like to live your life, is it? Yeah. Pretty much right. Right. Yeah, OK. SNAP! Ow! Scott, I want you to meet Daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers. What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him? No, Scott. I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. Why not just shoot him? I'll get a gun. We'll shoot him together. It will be fun - bang! Dead. Done. One more peep and you're grounded, mister! And I am not joking. All right, let's begin. Dr Evil, do you really expect them to pay? No, Mr Powers. I expect them to die. Even after they pay me the money, I'm still going to melt every city on the planet with liquid hot magma. OMINOUS MUSIC RISES Release the sharks! Mr Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks have laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal! (Clears throat) Dr Evil, it's about the sharks - when you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list. We tried to get some but it would have taken months to clear up the red tape. You know, I have one simple request and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly! Throw me a bone here. What do we have? Sea bass. Right. They are mutated sea bass. Really? Are they ill-tempered? Absolutely. Well, that's a start. It should do. All right, guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism. Close the tank! Aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away. No, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying. I'm going to assume it all went to plan. I have a gun in my room. Give me five seconds, I'll get it and - boom! - I'll blow their brains out. Scott, you just don't get it, do you? You don't. It's no hassle. Shh! But... Shh! Uh... Shh! All I'm saying... Shh! They're gonna get... Shh! I...I just... Shh! Would you... Shh! Knock, knock. Who's there? Shh! Look... Shh! Let me tell you a story about a man named...shh! Shh! Even before you start, that was a pre-emptive 'shh!' Just know I have a whole bag of 'shh' with your name on it. Oh! Oh! What's your plan? First, I plan to soil myself, then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan. Any thoughts? Wait a minute. I always have this with me, just in case. OK, I get it. I have bad teeth. No, Austin, the floss is to swing ourselves on to the ledge. Oh! All right, hold on. Got it! OK, toothpaste. Hello. Judo chop! Aagh! Aaagh! Hang on! (Makes kung fu noises) Judo trip! No! No! Ooh! Oh! SEA BASS BURPS Not a good time to lose one's head. Oh, indeed! That's not the way to get ahead in life. No. It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. Mmm. He'll never be the head of a major corporation. OK, that will do. OK. SNEAKY MUSIC Oh, no! What are we going to do? Look! There's an emergency exit. Go get help. I'll stay and keep an eye on Dr Evil. OK. I'll hurry back. Listen, Vanessa! Whatever happens, I want you to know that I feel really bad about that Italian bird. Oh. What I'm trying to say is... ..that if you want me to be a one-woman man, well, that's just groovy, baby! Behave! PURPOSEFUL MUSIC BROKEN HEADLIGHT TINKLES Come, everyone! Let us repair to the main chamber. Project Vulcan is about to begin. OMINOUS MUSIC Scott, don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living? Blow me. Excuse me? Show me. OK. DR EVIL: Position the Vulcan. JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC DR EVIL: Bring in the warhead! Ooh! SEXY '60s MUSIC Hello, hello! ALL: Hello, Mr Powers. ALL: Care to have a little fun? No, actually. I have to save the world. ALL: Oh! Is it cold in here? Arm the probe. Yeah. Mmm, yeah. No! No! No, I've got to get Dr Evil! I've got to get Dr Evil! No, no, no... Baseball...cold showers... baseball...cold showers... Give it up, Mr Powers. Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Gentlemen. MILITARY DRUMBEAT Let's lock and load! Right, lads! Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup! ALL: Don't go! Don't go! Stay! Please, don't go! BOTH: You can't resist us, Mr Powers. ALL: You can't resist us, Mr Powers. Au contraire, baby! I think YOU can't resist ME! SONG: # You're the one Who makes me come running # You're the sun who makes me shine # When you're around I'm always laughing # I want to make you mine # I close my eyes And see you before me # Think I would die If you were to ignore me # A fool could see Just how much I adore you # I'd get down on my knees I'd do anything for you # I don't want anybody else # When I think about you I touch myself # Oh, I don't want anybody else # Oh no, oh no, oh no... # Ohh-h-h-h! # I want you I don't want anybody else # And when I think about you I touch myself # Ooh, ah # I don't want anybody else # When I think about you I touch myself # Oh, I don't want anybody else # When I think about you I touch myself # I touch myself... # Austin? RECORD NEEDLE SCRAPES Vanessa! Ah, it's not what it seems. At ease, boys! Likewise! Vanessa, I can explain! See, what happened was...I broke in trying to get to Dr Evil. Then the Fembots came. Smoke started coming out of their jubblies. I thought I'd work my mojo to counter theirs. We got crossed mojonations and their heads started exploding. And I end up in my knickers here, and then... OK, Austin, I believe you. Now, get dressed! Smashing, baby! Onward, boys! 1 Launching the subterranean probe. RUSSIAN MAN: Begin initial surface penetration. Subterranean nuclear detonation in three minutes and counting. (Screams) Oh, my God! SONG: # There's a man who leads a life of danger... # Subterranean nuclear detonation in two minutes and counting. # Anyone he meets He stays a stranger # Whatever move he makes # Another chance he takes... # Oh, I tripped! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Open the frickin' door! # Secret agent man Secret agent man... # World destruction beginning in... Judo! Judo! # They've given you a number... # ..10, 9, 8... # And taken away your name. # ..7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. (Slow-mo) No! Abort! Abort! Abort! Abort! Abort! CHEERING Abort! Now to Dr Evil! Din-din! (Sings) # I want chicken I want liver # Meow Mix, Meow Mix Please deliver... # I've got you now, Dr Evil! Well done, Mr Powers! We're not so different, you and I. However, isn't it ironic that the very things that you stand for - free love, swinging, parties - are all now, in the '90s, considered to be... ..evil? No, man, what we swingers were rebelling against is uptight squares like you, whose bag was money and world domination! We were innocent, man! If we'd known the consequences of our sexual liberation, we would have done things differently, but the spirit would have remained the same! It's freedom, baby, yeah! Face it - freedom failed! No, man, freedom didn't fail. Right now, we've got freedom AND responsibility. It's a very groovy time! There's nothing more pathetic than an ageing hipster. All right, baldy, shut your cakehole! Come on, let's go. On your bike! (Groans) Not so fast! It seems the tables have turned, Mr Powers. Go ahead, Austin! Don't worry about me! Hey, I can take my Sega, right, Dad? It seems the tables have turned again, Dr Evil! Not really. Kill the little bastard - see what I care. Dad, we just had a breakthrough in group! I had the group liquidated, you little shit! They were insolent! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab! Oh, Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that! Honestly! Ah, Number Two! Your timing is impeccable. Go ahead - take Mr Powers away. No! What? Dr Evil, I spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire into a world-class multinational. I was going to have a cover story in 'Forbes'! But you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world and you don't realise there is no world any more! It's only corporations! Silence, Number Two! No! (Weeping) I've had enough of you pushing me around! Mr Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting. All right, I've had enough. (Screams) Judo CHOP! (Gasps) P.A.: The complex will self-destruct. Right! Let's split! Let's go! This place is gonna blow! SHOUTING, SIREN WAILS Complex will self-destruct. Come on! Let's go! The complex will self-destruct. This way, Austin! Move, baby! It's gonna blow! Let's go! Move it! Alley OOP! Ooh! CHURCH BELLS RING (Austin and Vanessa laugh) Oh, yeah, mmm! I love you, Mr Powers. And I love you, Mrs Powers! TING! RINGING Oh, that'll be Basil Exposition! Oh, ignore it, Austin - come back to bed! Duty calls, baby! Hello, Austin! Oh, I... I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon! No, not at all, Basil. Did you get that fruit basket I sent you? Yes, but you sent too much! I'll have to send some to my mother. Oh, don't forget these! Oh, thanks! There you go! Did you get my OTHER gift? We did. Yes, Basil - nice rack! But who in the world gave us this drawing? It's bizarre! Well, as you know, Dr Evil has escaped in his rocket, which has disappeared from our tracking system. Oh, dear. Hold on - coffee? Yes, please. OK, thank you. Oh, and Vanessa, by the way - you have been made a full agent! Oh, that's fantastic, Basil! Thanks! Milk? Yes, please. Oh, and Austin - Her Majesty the Queen informs me that you are to be knighted. Very shagadelic! Well, the best of luck to both of you! Thanks, Basil. Goodbye. You know, Vanessa, I'll never forget the first time I saw you. You were so incredibly beautiful. So incredibly sexy! I knew I had to have you. Right then and there. Did you feel the same way? Actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth! Oh. KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, I ordered some champagne. Come in! Oh, lovely, Austin! Right over there's fine. Thanks. Let's go out on the terrace. We can look at the stars. Mmm. Smashing idea, baby! Yeah, look at you! Oh yeah, baby. NECK CRACKS (Gasps) Look out! Ow! That REALLY hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman! (Makes kung fu sounds) (Chokes) DRAMATIC MUSIC Austin! Honestly, it's not mine! No, use it! STRETCHING NOISES (Groans) CRASHING, SCREAMING SONG: # Because you will never show... # Look how beautiful the night sky is! Hey, isn't that the Big Dipper? Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus! Austin! Well, you know. Hey, I've never seen that big star before! Yeah, what is that? Good God! JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! (Strangled miaowing) SONG: # Austin Powers He's the man for you # Austin Powers! # Darling, you look fabulous. All right, there we go. Look at that face. Coming in. come on. There, bit of hair. Smashing, OK. It's coming round now, coming round - yes! Yes, great, yes, yes! Yes! No! No! No, it's not working! Go change, there you go. Can you change it? Is that all right? Very good, very good. And up here. Right here, looking right here. I'm not even looking! Oh, you're wicked! Got your mojo working overtime, darling. Yeah! Look, I'm not even shooting it. It's insane! Smashing. Come on - can I get a smile? OK, come on, you boys! Get together, come on. OK, good! Lovin' it. Let's make a Vanessa sandwich. You're wearing horns, you're wearing horns. Come on, Austin, give it to me! Oh, behave! OK, you're an ANIMAL! An ANIMAL! Yes! Yes, that's it! Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah! The top of the hair, that's all. Born, and shoot. Again. Try it one more time. I'm born, and shoot. That's it, yeah! Go! Come on, come on, come on! Ignore this! Ignore this! Ignore me doing this! SONG: # Watch out Someone's gonna get me # I know it's never gonna... # Fabulous, darling! # That's just the way it is these days # I try but it's never gonna let me... # Go! Go! Go! # It wouldn't come and get me # That's just the way it is these days... # Lord! Lord! # These days, these days... # Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! OK, show me eyes. Yes, yes, yes, yes! No! No! No! Love, again...and I'm spent! CAMERA SHATTERS What say you, we go out on the town and swing, baby, yeah? # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... # (Sings) # Missus # Will ya # Make me tea # Make love to me # Put on the telly # To the BBC # To the BBC # Yeah, yeah, yeah # BBC One, BBC Two # BBC Three, BBC Four # BBC Five, BBC Six # BBC Seven, BBC heaven # Missus # Will ya # Make me tea # Make love to me # Put on the telly # To the BBC # To the BBC # Yeah, yeah, yeah # BBC One, BBC Two # BBC Three, BBC Four # BBC Five, BBC Six # BBC Seven, BBC heaven # Missus # Will ya # Make me tea # Make love to me # Put on the telly # To the BBC # To the BBC # Yeah, yeah, yeah # BBC One, BBC Two # BBC Three, BBC Four # BBC Five, BBC Six # BBC Seven, BBC heaven! # BBC peace! Captions by the Australian Caption Centre Copyright 2000. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 SONG: # A thousand thundering thrills await me # Facing insurmountable odds greatly # The female of the species is more deadly than the male # Shock, shock, horror, horror Shock, shock, horror # I'll shout myself hoarse For your supernatural force # The female of the species is more deadly than the male # Oh, she deals in witchcraft And one kiss... #