1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Yeah, baby. Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous. I may just be a small-town FBI agent/single mother, but I'm still tough and sexy. Well, Miss Normous, shall we shag now or shag later? Oh, Austin, behave. Hey, Powers! You better watch your-frickin'-self cos this is one doctor who does make house calls. Right, Mini Me? Hey, asshole! I'm right over here! I'm Mini Me, come and get me! (EVIL LAUGHTER) And cut! (BELL RINGS) That's a cut, everybody! Move it on! Check location! So, Austin, what do you think of the opening credits? I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest film-maker in the history of cinema, is making a movie about my life. Very shagadelic, baby, yeah! Having said that, I do have some thoughts. Really? Er, my friend here thinks it's fine the way it is. Well, no offence, Sir Stevie, but you gotta have mojo, baby, yeah! Hit it! # "Austin's Theme" - The James Taylor Quartet Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Quincy Jones! Yeah! This is where the movie gets its mojo, baby. Groovy. Yes, baby. Quiet, everybody. Music video take two. It's Britney Spears! # Boys # And when a girl is with one # Boys # Then she is in control # Listen # Ow! # What would it take for you to just leave with me? # Not trying to sound conceited # But me and you are meant to be # Boys # Sometimes a girl just needs one # (I get nasty) Boys! # To love her and to hold # (I get nasty) Boys! # And when a girl is with one # (I get nasty) Boys! # Then she is in control # And when a girl is with one # I said boys # Then she is in control # Oops, I did it again, baby! Yeah! # "Austin's Theme" - The James Taylor Quartet (CHEERING) Yeah! Welcome back, Herr Doktor. How was space? Space was cool. Wasn't it, Mini Me? Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Dr Evil, while you were in space, I created a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money and still maintain the ethics and the business practices of an evil organisation. I have turned us into a talent agency, The Hollywood Talent Agency. Really? By charging A-list clients 9% rather than the traditional 10%, we've been able to sign stars like George Clooney,... Oooh. Julia Roberts,... Hey. ..and Leo DiCaprio. Leo. The best part of the whole scheme is we all get our own assistants. Hi, I'm Number Three. Whoa! I'm really excited to be part of the team here at HTA. Very impressive, Number Two. But I finally have the perfect plan. (BEEP!) In the '70s there lived a Dutch metallurgical hedonist by the name Johann van der Smut. He loved gold so much he even lost his genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident, hence the name... Goldmember! (SNORES) He invented a cold-fusion power unit for a "tractor beam"... .."tractor beam" powerful enough to pull a meteor to Earth. The meteor was called "Midas 22". (SNORES) It's made of solid gold. (Is he sleeping?) Well, that's OK. I guess Mini Me won't get any chocolate! You want down, Mini Me? Use your words like a big boy clone. (GRUNTS) He's OK! Here's the chocolate. It's from Bruges. That's in Belgium. That's where Daddy's from. (GROWLS) (GIGGLES) Check out Mini Me. Yeah. He's gone mental on account of the chocolate. It's like catnip for clones. Your chair, Dr Evil. Thank you. Whoa! Er, brr... Thanks. Skedaddle. Right. When you have kids you'll find that are all kids are different. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja! Ja! Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja! Ja. For example, Mini Me loves chocolate. Scottie don't! I like chocolate fine. Scottie don't! This is very familiar. Hang on, let me do what I do. Er, would ya stop? (MUMBLES) How about a what? (MUMBLES) What are you...? (MUMBLES) I don't even... Isn't this-? How about you don't? Ladies and gentlemen, Scottie don't. Dr Evil, perhaps it's time that you finished unveiling your plan. Thank you, Number Two. Ladies and gents, my plan is... Scottie don't. Aw, come on. You're such a lame ass. Mini Me aimait le chocolat bien. Mais, oui. Scottie n'est pas. Oh. Oh! Oh! Yeah, all this is - (MUMBLES) You know, this is causing me serious psychological harm. Oh. "Who am I?" Fine! I would love some chocolate. Here you go. Thank you. Perfect. (GROWLS) (GROWLS) Heel, Mini Me! Heel. Come on! Got me a marlin! Yeah! Come on! (THUD!) You OK, Mini Me? Mmm-hmm. Yeah? Did I pull too hard? I don't wanna hurt you. Dr Evil? Yeah? What does Goldmember's plan have to do with us? Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A to G were a failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call, Preparation H. (CHUCKLES) What? Why don't you just call it Operation Ass Cream, ya ass?! Sorry, did you want some ice cream? Yes. I'd love some chocolate ass cream. Perhaps later. Dr Evil, I love your plan. Ja, eh? Ja, Herr Doktor. It's a really good plan. Yes, Frau, on the whole, I think Preparation H feels good. (LAUGHS) What is it now? No, nothing. You know what, I agree. Preparation H does feel good... on the whole (!) Well, I'm glad we're sprechen Sie the same lingitty. Ja. Ladies and gentlemen, using my time machine, I'll travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is... ..no-one can stop me, not even... ..Austin Powers. (LAUGHS EVILLY) (ALL LAUGH EVILLY) (ALL LAUGH EVILLY) Not so fast. You're surrounded, Dr Evil. (GUNS CLICK) Shit! Dr Evil, the World Court sentences you to 400 years. Do you have anything to say? No, but I think Mini Me does. (ALL GASP) I will have order! Looks like two eggs in a hanky. The criminal genius known as Dr Evil, and his clone, were sentenced today at the World Organisation. Austin Powers, son of England's most famous spy, Nigel Powers will be knighted by the queen at Buckingham Palace. # "Rule Britannia" Arise, Sir Austin Powers. Thank you, Your Majesty. Your father must be very proud of you. Oh, yeah. Come on, Dad, stand up and take a bow. (LAUGHTER) Daddy? Dad? But... (LAUGHTER) # Daddy # Daddy wasn't there # Daddy # Daddy wasn't there # To take me to the fair # It seems he doesn't care # Daddy wasn't there # When I was first baptised, when I was criticised # When I was ostracised, when I was Jazzercised # Steak and kidney pies, when I were modernised # When I was circumcised # Daddy wasn't there # To take me to the fair # To change my underwear # Daddy wasn't there # Daddy wasn't there. Peace. (APPLAUSE) I am a sexy beast! Austin, we love you! > Bang. Yes. How's it going? The robot. Haven't seen that in a while. (SQUEALS) It's Austin Powers! You so funny. Oh, you know. Also very sexiful. Can I have autograph? Of course. Your name is? Fook Mi. Oh, behave, baby. Yes. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Now, your name is? Fook Mi. You kiss your mother with that mouth? No, Fook Mi. Like this. Oh, I see! Your name is Fook Mi. You want drink? Yes, of course. But I have a private bar in the back you can use. Here you go. Fook Mi, that was fast. Fook Yu. Oh, you're going the right way for a smacked bum. I don't care who knows. Austin... Wh...? Huh? This is my twin sister. Her name, Fook Yu. Fook Yu. Fook Mi. (GIGGLES) See? (GIGGLES) Tw-Twins. Twins! (BOTH GIGGLE) (GROWLS) Twins, yes! (BOTH GIGGLE) We're going to see the twins. Yeah. (BOTH GIGGLE) I also think Austin Powers is very sexiful. We think you are very gravy, baby. Do we make you sleepy? Well, you make me many things but sleepy's not one of them. We give you top-secret massage. Yes, top-secret massage, baby. (GASPS) Oh! (BOTH GIGGLE) Sorry about that. I swear to God that never happens. Yes. Hold on a tick. OK. (BOTH GIGGLE) OK, now, where were we, babies? Yes. Oh! Rrrrrrrrr! (BOTH GIGGLE) Ah, Austin. I'm sorry to interrupt. Twins, Basil. Twins. Austin, it's your father. Bye-bye. What? He's been kidnapped! Very heavy, man. Oh! So that's why my father wasn't at the knighting ceremony. Well, no, actually. He was kidnapped after you were knighted. Ah. He was last seen on his yacht. Ah, yes, the HMS Shag At Sea. Exactly. Just take a look. Gentlemen, fall in. These men were assigned to guard your father. OK, chaps, chins up, trousers down. I think we may have found a clue. Cor blimey! All your privates have had their privates painted gold! How bizarre. Imagine, gilded tallywhackers, golden wedding tackle, 14-carat trousersnakes` That's enough. OK. Basil, there's only one person in the world who truly understands the psychology of a madman. (BOTH) Dr Evil. I've been expecting you, Mr Powers. My father is missing. Yes, I heard. How ironic. You finally caught me, yet now you need me more than ever. But then again, you've always needed me, haven't you, Mr Powers? Remember when I told you we're not so different, you and I? We're not so different, you and I. See? I did say that. Mm-hmm. Very clever. Now, who has my father? Uh-oh! Someone has some Daddy issues. Nothing could be my father from the truth. Ooh! You said, "my father". No, I dadn't! Ow! Didn't. Did not! Shaba! For me, this is a dad issue. Huh? Dead issue! Dead Dad! Deadbeat Dad. Daddy didn't love me. It seems the knighting ceremony wasn't the only time your... ..daddy let you down. Remember that day at the academy? Think! It was graduation. Yeah, baby, yeah! Do I make you horny, baby?! That's the spot, there. You're a naughty girl. Yes, you are! Crikey! Have you ever heard of knocking, man? Right. We were just getting started. Bye, love. Don't forget, Master Powers, later you have a brief oral exam. Well, I hope it's mostly oral and not too... ..brief,... baby. You know. Brief and oral exam. Marks are in, lads. It looks like Master Evil is the top contender for this year's International Man of Mystery. Top of the class. Whoop-de-do, Basil. Hey, everybody! I'm number one! Who cares? Hello, I'm Number Two. Nice to meet you, Number Two. But now I'm going to be named this year's International Man of Mystery. Yeah(!) (LAUGHS EVILLY) (BOTH LAUGH EVILLY) Shut your gob! Ow! (LAUGHTER) (ALL LAUGH) Who throws a cupcake? Honestly. (APPLAUSE) Now it's time to award our greatest honour. This year's International Man of Mystery is... ..Austin Powers. Well done, Austin. (CHEERING) Jolly good. It's always been my dream to win this, just like my dad. I'm glad he could be here. Stand up, Dad. Take a bow. Dad? (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS EVILLY) Daddy? Boo-frickity-hoo. I had the best grades and I didn't get diddly squat. Oh, here we go. Tell me, Mr Powers, what did you find on those sailors? A... golden... surprise perhaps? How did...? Yes. All the sailors had their meat and two veg painted gold. Yes, it's the distinctive calling card of a criminal mastermind. The aptly named... ..Goldmember. How can I find this Goldmember? Quid pro quo, Mr Powers. Yes. Squid pro row. I'll give you Goldmember, you give me a transfer to a regular prison so that I can be with my beloved Mini Me. OK! I'll get you a transfer to a regular prison. Now, where's Goldmember?! Not where, Mr Powers, but when. 1975, Studio 69 Disco, New York City. Corner of 69th and 8th! You go now, Mr Powers! Fly, fly. I'll get it. . Instead of hiding your father in some remote location, Goldmember is hiding him in 1975. So our engineers have crafted this vehicle to time-travel to the '70s. Smashing, Basil. A pimp mobile. Oh, yes. Yes, I knew it would tickle your fancy. (CHUCKLES) What can I say? Look. Cough. (COUGHS) Here we go. 1975. Good luck, Austin. 1975! Yeah, baby! Yeah! I think... I'm gonna... vom! (DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) Hey! Yeah! # Solid gold # Solid gold # It's gold, it's gold, it's gold, it's gold, it's solid gold, baby # It's gold, it's gold, it's gold, it's gold, it's solid gold, baby # Yeah # He's got the Midas touch # But he touched it too much # Hey, Goldmember # Hey, Goldmember # He's got a golden pad # He's super bad # Hey, Goldmember # Hey, Goldmember... # Good evening, everybody and welcome to Studio 69! Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, it's Goldmember! Hey, everybody! I am from Holland. Isn't that weird?! Yes. # He's got the Midas touch # But he touched it too much # Hey, Goldmember # Yeah # Hey, Goldmember # You're gettin' down tonight Ow! # Dynamite # Hey, Goldmember # Hey, Goldmember # Cos that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, he likes it, uh-huh, uh-huh # Goldmember # Goldmember # He loves it # He loves it # Cos that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, he likes it, uh-huh, uh-huh # Goldmember # Goldmember # He loves it # He loves it # Midas touch # He touched it too much # Hey, Goldmember # Goldmember # He's from the Netherlands # It's where he learned to dance # Hey, Goldmember # Goldmember # Hey, Goldmember # Hey, Goldmember # It's gold, it's gold, it's gold, it's gold, it's solid gold, baby # Goldmember, so solid # It's gold, it's gold, it's gold, it's gold, baby # His member's so gold # Yes, it is, yeah # (CHEERING) (WOMAN'S VOICE) Well, if it isn't Austin Powers. I'm sorry? You got a lot of nerve dragging your white ass in here. I don't believe we've met. It's me, Foxxy! Foxxy Cleopatra! Long time, no see. Oh! Stop! We can't be seen talkin' to each other, ya dig? I'm usin' this cat as a distraction. I get it. Yes, very clever. First thing's first. Ow! Ouch kabibble! Eight years and no phone call?! Nobody stands up Foxxy Cleopatra! Where have you been? Listen, Foxxy, I want you to know I never intended to hurt you, baby. Well, all I know is Mama only got a taste of honey, but she wanted the whole beehive. (GIGGLES) Oh, beehive! (LAUGHS) You always knew how to make me smile. Well, you know, it's a gift, really. I, um,... What am I doing? Foxxy. What are you doing in Goldmember's club? I'm undercover. About a year ago, my partner at the bureau was killed. And that jive-ass turkey Goldmember is the prime suspect. Ow. Your father's in the back, under heavy guard. Thanks, Foxxy. Austin! Good luck. Dad! Hello, son. Just... overpowering my guards. I'm here to rescue you. Come quickly! Better idea. Why don't you rescue me in about seven or eight minutes? Oh, knock it off. I don't want to see my dad on the job. Come on, let's go! OK. I'm sorry, girls. (ALL SIGH) I gotta go. It's my boy. Hold on. Ow. Ooh. What's wrong with your neck? I took a Viagra. Stuck in me throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. (BOTH) I thank you. (ALL GIGGLE) If you are gonna talk about naughty things in front of these Americans, then at least speak "English" English. Oh, right, my son. I could've had it away with this crackin' Judy, my old china. Are you telling pork pies and a bag of tripe? Why not just have a J Arthur? Billy No Mates? Too right. Remember crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scotch bint? Trouble and strife of the dancer who lived up the apples and pears. Yes, she was the barrister that became a bobby in a lorry... (MUMBLES) ..in the Bognor St Regis... (BOTH) Tea kettle! And then she... (BOTH) ..shat on a turtle! Oh, God, we had some good times, eh? We had some good times, eh? Wonderful times. Good times. Oh, yes. Good... ..times. Welcome to 1975, Austin Powers and farger. Excuse me while I change. The roller boogie has made me sweaty. Ja. You see, Mr Powers,... ..I love gooooooold! The look of it, the taste of it, the smell of it, the texture. I love gold so much that I even lost my genitalia in a smelting accident. Hence the name,... Goldmember. We are both schwingers, you see? You have a toit body. Yes. I see that from your toit pants. Yes, you are toit like a toiger. Would you like a schmoke and a pancake? A what? A schmoke and a pancake. You know, flapjack and a zigarette? Hmph? Alright. Cigar and a waffle? No? Pipe and a crepe? No? Bong and a blintz? (BOTH) No. Oh, well, then there is no pleasing you. That's not right. Ooh. Hello. What we here? That's a keeper. Yesh. Put it in the skin box, please. With the others. I'm peeling. Oh, that's just disgusting. Quickly. Quickly. Thank you. Shave me from myself. You're insane, Goldmember! (GIGGLES) And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it. KC And The Sunshine Band. Alright, Goldmember, don't play the laughing boy. There are only two things I can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures. And the Dutch! What? (BEEPS) Take the farger away! Dutch hater! And now it is time to say goodbye! Dr Evil'sh ordersh! Which for you is bad news bears! Walter Matthau! Shazam! Oh! Up yours, jive turkey! Traitor! Heh! Heh! Heh! Here's the gun! Good! Very good! 2002! They're taking my father to the time machine! The what? Come on, now! (CHORTLES) No! This way, sugar! That was close, Foxxy! I owe you one! I found this in Goldmember's office. It's a microfilm. It may be a clue. Smashing. I wanna go to the future. Catch Goldmember together. I owe it to my partner. I should warn you, 2002 is very different. Well, the future better get ready for me! Because I'm Foxxy Cleopatra, and I'm a whole lot of woman! (LAUGHS) 2002, here we come! . "All visitations limited to five minutes." "No spitting in the visitors' room." Herr Doktor, I have some news! It's your son. Oh. He wants to take over the family business! Scottie does? Ja! Oh, he's gotten so evil he's even started losing his hair! I know! It's sweet! Oh, he just wants to make you proud, Herr Doktor! It's hard on the boy not having a father. You were frozen, you were in space, now you're in jail. Don't tell me he feels neglected! I was adopted by frickin' Belgians, eh? You were adopted? I never met my birth parents. There was a car accident. 'I'm told it was a beautiful Belgian day.' 'The smell of waffles and Brussels sprouts filled the summer air.' 'Until... My birth mother was incinerated.' I only survived because her smoking carcass formed a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence. A Belgian man and his love slave with webbed feet was looting the accident. They came across a blood-soaked baby. Moi. They raised me to be evil. You know, that old chestnut. Ja. But nothing compares to this. Inside the belly of the beast night after night, all alone! Daddy's all pent up! Let's freak! Oh! # Hey, hey, hey, hey # Beautiful woman # Beautiful woman # Hey, hey, hey, hey # Time's up. "Visiting hours are over. Get into the line." Cuffs up. Move it! (RAP MUSIC PLAYS) Hi, there. How you sleeping? Good? Gentlemen, listen up, y'all. Here's the new plan. You're gonna start a riot, and we're gonna walk out the front door! (ALL LAUGH) Hey, man, I know guys on crack that makes more sense than you. Really? Then, let me put it to you this way, cuz. # It's the hard-knock life for us # It's the hard-knock life for us # Yeah # Instead of treated we get tricked # Instead of kisses we get kicked # It's the hard-knock life # I don't know how to be, no crib on MTV # God only knows, got my Mini Me in the GP, see how it goes # Evil's all that I see and you ask me my name? # D to the Rizzo, E to the Vizzo, I to the Lizzo # I'm a crazy mother (MOUTHS), you all knew that # Austin caught me in the first act # It's all backwards, what's with that? # So, I'll make a prophecy from the dogs to the Mini Me # Gimme an escalade, a two-way bling bling on Ebay # Domino (MOUTHS) # It's the hard-knock life for us # Yeah # It's the hard-knock life # Stick that in your pipe and smoke it! # Instead of treated we get tricked # Uh-huh # This is for all my homies in Bruges # It's the hard-knock life # Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh # It's the hard-knock life for us # Instead of treated we get tricked # Ah, Cristal, my Moto # Instead of kisses we get kicked # A couple of behotches, why not? # It's the hard-knock life # I gotta busta move # Droppin' busta groove, feeling fine # Got an evil crew, Goldmember, too, lick my nine # Till then I'll... on my... butt, grands up # I'll call and splooge in your a... that's all # Fer shizzle my nizzle, y'all! # It's the hard-knock life for us # It's the hard-knock life # Yeah # Alright, listen up. Tonight, 8pm, you're going to start a riot. (ALL) Yes, Dr Evil! "Attention, all guards! There is a riot in progress!" "Seal all exits. Attention!" "Dr Evil and his clone are trying to escape!" "All guards report to cell block A immediately!" "Dr Evil and his clone are getting away!" There you are! Good morning, sunshine! Good morning. How did you sleep? Great. Me, too. If these lips could talk! (LAUGHS) Mm! Oh, hello! You have the right to remain sexy, sugar. Oh! I hope there's a search involved! "You've got mail." So, what does this thing do? Well, it's called the Internet and it's completely revolutionised the way we live and access vital information. Have a look at this. "Oh, look at the monkey! He's got his fingers up...!" "(SCREECHES)" (LAUGHS) Oh, wow! Now, that's vital information. I know! It's amazing! Oh, Basil! What's happening, baby? A lot is happening, Foxxy! Dr Evil has escaped! The good news is that our agent has infiltrated Dr Evil's organisation! Excellent! We've been trying for years to get a mole inside Dr Evil's lair! Yes! Ah, and here he is. So, you're the... mo... Mo... Mo... Most... Most excellent agent we've ever seen! Yes, most excellent agent we've ever seen. Thank you. Thank you. I couldn't get an exact location. Dr Evil has moved to a new lair outside of Tokyo, Japan. Mm. By the way, I realise that I have a large mole on my face. Where? What? Where's that mole? I didn't... see one. I also realise the irony that I am, myself, a mole. No-one would make that connection. Anyway, well done, old chap! Jolly good work! Yes, nice to mole you. Meet you! Nice to meet your mole. Don't say mole. I said Mole. Austin! Stop! Bye. Mole. Mole! Mole! Oh, shut up! Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley! (FARTS) Up periscope! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my new submarine lair. It's long and hard and full of seamen! Nothing? No? Not even a titter? Tough sub! Dr Evil, you look very toit! Yesh, toit loik a toiger. Yesh, yesh! Really? Yesh, you look like a macho man. Village People! You know, Goldmember, I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude. Yeah, a little creepy. Oh, yesh, yesh, yesh, yesh! This is a keeper! Oh! Yesh! Right, you're not gonna put that skin in your mouth, are you? You did. OK. That's just gross. Yesh, salty. Yesh, that was good. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we've been designing a tractor beam codenamed Preparation H. (SNIGGERS) It's powerful enough to pull the meteor,... ..Midas 22, into a collision course with the earth. Upon entering the atmosphere the hot ball of magma will strike and melt the polar ice caps causing a global flood. Enough of my technical mumbo-jumbo! Allow me to demonstrate. Ay, gevalt! Lower the globe! Lower the globe! Ow! Ow! Scheisse! Well, congratulations, numb nuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' jack-in-the-box! Get if off! It's dark! It's dark! OK! I'm OK! (SNIGGERS) Release the meteor. Release the meteor! Oh! Oh! (GROANS) Oh, no way! Right in the kniggin! Goddamn it! Oh! Ow! Guys! Way to go, a hole! Alright, hold on while I try and find my balls for God's sakes! One, two,... and three. OK, I'm OK. Dr Evil, we schtill have the ultimate inshurance polishy! May I present to you the very sexual, the very toit,... ..Aushtin Powersh' farger! His what? His farger, Dr Evil. His ferger? What's a ferger? His farger. You know, the farger. Yeah, Goldmember, I don't speak freaky deaky Dutch, OK, perv boy? farger is dad. Dad is farger. Oh, his dad! Oh, his father! Yesh, I have a Dutch accent. Isn't that weird? Father. Father. Ah, Nigel Powers! Hello, hello. Ooh! (LAUGHS) Bring him to me! Easy peasy, lemon squeezy! Put the guns down! Is this the first day in the job? Look, this is how it goes. You will take me one at a time, and I knock you out with a single punch, OK? Go! Judo chop! Oh, he's good. Judo chop! Do you know who I am? Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed? You haven't even got a name tag! You've got no chance! Why don't you just fall down? Go on, son. Alright, Dr Evil, give yourself up while you've still got a chance. (CLICKING) OK. OK. You got me. Nigel Powers, meet... ..Mini Me. Oh, blimey! I thought I smelled cabbage! Take him away! Er, er, Dr Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know. How about no, you crazy Dutch bastard?! (TANNOY CHATTER) You know, I think it's a shame the way they treat you. Just because you're one eighth their size, doesn't mean you deserve one eighth of their respect, does it? You see, Mini fella, I'm, er,... I'm curious. Is, er,... everything in proportion? You know, your bobby dangler, your general, two colonels, your giggle stick, master of ceremonies? Yeah! Don't by shy! Let's have a look! (UNZIPPING / THUD) My word! You're a tripod! (LAUGHS) What do you feed that thing, eh? It's like a baby's arm holding an apple. (LAUGHS) The good news is, you ever get tired you can use it as a kickstand. (LAUGHS) Yeah! I think we both know who the real brains is behind this operation, eh? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Yeah! Thank you! (SPEAKS JAPANESE) Come on! Hello, Tokyo! Tokyo-a-go-go, baby, yeah! (PHONE CHIMES) Oh, what's kickin', Basil? A lot's kicking, Foxxy. Austin, one of Dr Evil's henchman has been spotted at the Asahi sumo arena. Proceed there immediately. Thanks, Basil! (TANNOY CHATTER) Oh, Jesus Christ! This diaper's making my nuts rub together! It's gonna start a fire! That's Fat Bastard! (SPEAKS JAPANESE) ..Fat Bastard! (ALL BOO) (SPEAKS JAPANESE) (CRACKING) Ooh! Do you know what my favourite Helen Hunt movie is? Twister! (SCREAMS) Oh! Fat Bastard... (SPEAKS JAPANESE) That's not right! Sure ain't! Are we done here? I've gotta take a crap. (BEEPS) Wait a tick! Something doesn't smell right! And I think it's Fat Bastard! # On top of spa... (STRAINS) ..ghetti # All covered in (STRAINS) cheese # Are you OK, Austin? Sound as a pound, love. Yeah. What the...? I didnae have any corn! Doh! (GAGS) (GASPS) Hey, diaper lady! Here's my diaper! (SNIGGERS) I think I might have pinched one off too soon! Oh, aye, I left a rosebud in there for you. (SNIGGERS) Aargh! (SHOUTS) You really are a fat bastard! That hurts my feelings. I've tried going on a diet. The Zone. You know, carbs are the enemy. Oh, aye... We don't like carbs, you know what I mean? Oh...! Whose your friend? Oh, I'd like to have a go with that filly! Oh, do you find me sexy? Oh, look at my titties! Oh, ah! Shut your mouth! Mm! Yeah! Alright, that's enough! OK, you got me! Put it there, would you? Alright. OK. Oh! Oh, come here, you! Hah! Oh, my titties! Oh! You gave me a nerple! I've got you now! (LAUGHS) Come here, you! Prepare for the ultimate wire-fighting manoeuvre! (LAUGHS) I just hope my wire-fighting team is ready! (ALL) Oos! Hah! Whah! Hah! (ALL) Aargh! Hah! Aargh! (ALL) Aargh! Aargh! Hah! Aaaaaaaaargh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Aargh! (PINGS) Ooh! Crikey! Oh, great(!) Isn't this magical(?) One of my wires broke! (GROANS) (GROANS) You under arrest, sugar. OK, who's the Japanese cat you made an exchange with? Oh, och, right. His name is Roboto. He owns Roboto Industries. He's designing some contraption for Dr Evil. I don't know. (BOTH) The tractor beam! That's it. Listen, do you honestly think that crime can pay? Well, to be honest with you, I've been trying to go legit. I really take my sumo wrestling seriously. But when you're an overweight child in a society that demands perfection,... ..where your sense of right, wrong, fair and unfair,... ..will always be tragically skewed. (FARTS) Did you just soil yourself? Maybe. (SNIGGERS) It did sound a little wet, didn't it, right at the end? Ooh! Let's have a smell, alright? (INHALES) Ooh, wafting! Wafting! Oh, everyone likes their own brand. This is magic! Alright, analysis. Oh, it smells like carrots and throw-up. Oh, that could gag a maggot! I smell like hot sick! Arse and a dead carcass! Oh, even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go to an apartment building and you smell cooking, and you go, "What are they cooking?" That plus crap. Hey, Pop! Hey, Scottie! How you been, sport? Whoa! I got you a present. Really? Open the tank. Open the tank! Are those sharks with laser beams attached to their heads? Cool! You mean I actually have frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads? You're the best evil son an evil dad could ever ask for. I love you, Dad! (CHOKES WITH EMOTION) I love you, son! That's a touching moment. Scottie, come here. Pop a squat right next to Daddy. Mini Me, move down the bench. There's a power struggle. Scottie's on fire! (GROWLS) It's getting crowded in here. Everyone out! Everyone out! Come on! Not you, Scottie. Not you, Number Two. Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember. Not you guys! Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something. Oh, this is uncomfortable! The tiny one can't take a hint! He doesn't understand he is small! "(CHIMES)" Hello, Foxxy. Austin. "We've confirmed what Fat Bastard told you about Roboto is accurate." "He was hired by Dr Evil to construct Preparation H." So, Roboto had the technology to build Goldmember's tractor beam! Roboto will lead us to Goldmember. Goldmember will lead us to my father. (SPEAKS JAPANESE) Domo arigato, Mr Roboto. I thank you. (SPEAKS JAPANESE) You speak Japanese? A little. You might be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debater! I'm looking for my father. He was kidnapped. Please eat what? Wait! He said, "Please eat some shitake mushrooms." Tell me, what do you know about... my father's where... ..about... ..s? Mm. (SPEAKS JAPANESE) "Your ass is happy"? No! He said, "Your assignment is an unhappy one." Oh! Nice potty mouth, dirt bag! Oh. Quite off-topic, thank you very much. Why don't I just speak in English? That would be a good idea, now, wouldn't it? Then the subtitles won't make it seem you're saying things that are dirty. I'm sorry to hear about your father but I can't help you. Please excuse me. I have another appointment. By the way... (SPEAKS JAPANESE) Mr Roboto is lying to us. Tell me something I don't know! I open-mouth kissed a horse once. What? That's something you don't know. My spider-sense tells me my father's still in this building. You keep a look-out. I'll try and sneak in. (PHONE RINGS) Hai? (PHONE RINGS) (SPEAKS JAPANESE) (STRAINS) Hai. Mm! (SNIFFS) (RECEIVER CLICKS) Come on! (CHUCKLES) Judo chop! Shazam! Come on, sugar! There's Goldmember and Roboto! Yes, very impressive! Put Preparation H into my schtuppen transhporten! What's this? You need this to turn on the tractor beam. A gold key. Shmarty pantsh! Let's spread out. Yeah! Hands up, Goldmember! It's payback time! Oh! Sure, you can kill me. But then what happens to Austin Powers farger? Mm! Mm! Dad! Yes, and now he's going to have an unfortunate shmelting accident! Hah! Hah! Hee-ya! Don't worry! I'm here to rescue you! Ow! May I point out that the last time you fell into an obvious trap? Now you're trying to save me instead of stopping Goldmember. I'm not gonna let Goldmember get away! Goldmember's getting away! Ah. (LAUGHING) Hello, hello! Aren't you going to introduce us? Foxxy, this is - Powers. Nigel Powers. Is that Eau De Flores you're wearing? Yes, it is. That's how a woman should smell. Especially one as beautiful as you. My, my! Even in the face of danger you live up to your reputation! Ow! Get on with it! I've got an idea. (TYRES SCREECH) Your spy car's a Mini? It's not the size, mate, it's how you use it. Ay! Scheisse! (GUNFIRE) I would have found my way off that conveyor belt. I saved your life! Do your job! Your welcome, man(!) Shut up and turn around! (HORN BLARES) (ALL) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! (ALL) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! (SCREAMING) "(BELLOWS)" Run! It's Godzilla! It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws, it's not. Still, we should run like it is Godzilla! Though it isn't! Aaargh! "(BELLOWS)" There's Goldmember! Breaker, Breaker, one-niner, this is Goldie Wang. Over. Ten-four, Goldie Wang. This is Rubber Duckie. What's your 10-20? I've got Preparation H in my rear and Shmoky The Bear in my back door! We got us a convoy! Over! Yee-ha! Copy that, you sonofabitch pile of monkey nuts! "Open wide there, Rubber Duckie. I am entering your mouth now. Over." (HOOTER BLARES) Great(!) Goldmember got away! Now what? It's obvious. We take Dr Evil's lair by force. You can be my back-up. Back-up? That's condescending! You think Dr Evil expects an attack? We should infiltrate his lair! This ain't my first rodeo, cowboy! We need commandos, scuba. Gadgets, for God's sake! I don't like to use gadgets! Outside the bedroom! Er, thank you! (LAUGHS) Outside the bedroom! You know, I think being frozen damaged your brain. Really? And how would you know? This is the most time that we've ever spent together since... Ever! What are you saying, son? Oh, please! What boy learned to drive a car with machine guns on it? Or had a helicopter you can fit in a knapsack? What about your Swedish nanny, Helga? Rrrrrrr! Oh, yes! Helga! Let's say I didn't hire her for the cooking! Oh, yes! She stayed on until you were 24! We were mates, you and I! I didn't need a friend! I needed a father! I risked my life trying to save you and you still don't give me respect! Respect? Oh, come on! If you've got an issue, here's a tissue. (LAUGHS) That is not funny. Well, I suppose we'd better go our separate ways, then. F-Fine! Fine. . So, I've been assigned to welcome you to the Ministry Of Defence. I have a letter from my director thanking you for switching sides. I... ..can't wait to inform Austin of your defection. (PHONE CHIMES) Oh, hello, Basil. Yes, Austin should be here any second. Yes. Yes, I'm in Austin's hotel room right now. Mm-hm. Aaargh! Assassin! Eeeeeee! Try to kill me, will you? Oh, you wanna be friends, huh? Wait a tick! Peace? Oh! I'm not falling for that again! At least, he didn't mention it. Yes, I realise he can't talk. I think Dr Evil treated him badly and that's why he's helping us. Aargh! Aargh! Aargh! Aargh! Come back here, you little bugger! Eee! Eee! Oh, yes, I'm sure Austin and Mini will get along famously. No, I guarantee nothing will happen to Mini Me. Come out, you bugger! Come on! Got you! I think he and Austin will be united in stopping Dr Evil. Eeeeeee! Ow! Austin! There you are! I've come to tell you the good news! Mini Me has... switched sides. Ah! Oh! Sorry about that, old chap! Sorry, you know! Sorry! Welcome aboard! (LAUGHS) My molestake! What was that? Mmmm! Listen, just get it out of your system. No, I'm fine. I insist. We can work together better - Mole! We're not supposed to talk about the mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I'm gonna chop it off and cut it up and make some guacamole! Better? Yeah. So, you decided to join us, huh, Mini Me? Mm-mm. Welcome to the good side, my mini brother! And thank you for the map of Dr Evil's sub. What's this? It says, "Dr Evil's tractor beam is now complete. There's not much time." "Dr Evil must pay." "You are so beautiful. Are you a clone of an angel?" Oh, that is so sweet! Well, no, my Mini Man, I'm not. "Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?" Yeah, I'm sure. "Would you like to?" Horny bugger! That is so not funny. OK, everyone, prepare to dive. This spy car is also a submarine. Get me the World Organisation! What is it, Dr Evil? In a matter of hours a meteor will crash into earth causing a flood. "That is, of course, unless you pay me... ..one billion, gajillion, fiffilion, shabadoodleoomillionshammingkomishli million... ..yen." I think you're bluffing. Perhaps you'd like a demonstration. Number Two, the key, please. Sir, Dr Evil's not bluffing! One of our satellites is falling out of orbit. The one that looks like a pair of - Melons! Big juicy melons! Are they nice and firm? Well, what do you think? Look at that! It looks like a set of giant - (ALL CHEER) Hey, get in! You're late! How we doing? We're back! Yeah! (ALL) Go, Titans, yeah! "Check it out. Those remind me of -" Boobs! Boobs, Ozzie? These film makers are just (BEEPS) boobs! What do you mean, Dad? Well, they're using the same (BEEPS) joke as they did in the last movie. What (BEEPS) joke? You know, the (BEEPS) joke about the long smooth rocket that looks like some guy's - Johnson. Yes, sir? Any sign of that satellite? No, sir, it's gone. "Gentlemen, you have my demands. Peace out!" Cool, baby! You look very switched on! Thank you, Austin. Oh...! No, Mini Me! Off! Bad! Mustn't! No humping! Dr Evil, in light of the success of the device, it is Japanese custom that I receive a bonus. (GASPS) A bonus! (LAUGHS) That's good! Yeah, that's awesome! Throw me a frickin' bonus here! (CONTINUES TO LAUGH) I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl! Thank you! Hm. Oh, you're not joking! No, in fact, if you don't give me the bonus - Hey, Dad! Hey, Scottie, how are you, sport? Whoa! Why don't you let me take care of this? OK. Aargh! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Ugh! He's got a good evil laugh. (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Get along! Scottie! Scottie! Scottie, take it down a notch! It's creeping a bit. Let's go! We'll need a disguise. There's only one uniform! One of us has to go on the other one's shoulders. Hi, there, buddy, how's it going? Good suit. Yeah. Yeah, hi. (CRASHING) How are you? Just getting my sea legs. Sorry about that. Hello, you alright? Good hat. A very good hat. Come on, Mini Me, let's go! Hold it right there, mister! Did you really think you could get away with this? I did, actually, yes. Every new recruit must have a physical. Now, get in here, sailor! I'm going to need a urine sample. OK. OK, then. Um... Hello. (WHOOSHING) And here we go! Sorry! Right. Oh! Terrific. OK. Alright, go behind that screen and strip down to your skivvies. Alright, then, I'll just go to that screen. Which is over there. Right behind that screen. Next! Come on! Hurry! The map! OK, what's our plan? I'm going to need a urine sample. Which way to the main chamber? OK, so... Sure. (CRUNCHING) Oh! Excuse me, Doctor. It's difficult in public. Oh! Mini Me, our shadows! We're casting a shadow! What's wrong, sailor? You should check that guy out! (WHISTLES) What the hell's going on here? Hands up! You heard me, hands up! Both of you! (TRICKLING) (GASPS) (SQUELCHING) (MOANING) Oh! (GROWLS) Come with me. Mini Me, the map! Go! 'Eeeeeeeee!' OK, you got me! 'Eeeeeeeeeeeee! Ow!' 'Eeeeeeeeeeeee!' Eeeeeeeeeee! Are you alright, little man? Mm-hm. Right on. # Somewhere beyond the sea # Somewhere, waiting for me # My lover stands on golden sands # and watches the ships # Mr Powers, before I kill you, perhaps you'd like to see the genius of my plan. Key, please! What the...?! Who? But how? Where? Oh! (SNIGGERS) Looking for this? Mini Me? Alright, everybody, drop your guns, because Foxxy Cleopatra's in the sub! Smashing, Foxxy! Yeah! Here, sugar. Alright, Dr Evil, it's finally come down to this. You, me, and a gun. What are you going to do now, Austin? Hm? Dad? What are you doing here? I've gotta finish this off once and for all! I'm afraid you can't do that. I have to protect my son. Dad, I'm fine. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about... ..him. What? Dr Evil's not your son! I am! You both are. What? It was our first family holiday together. 'I was finishing a case. Your mother brought the two of you to Belgium.' 'I stopped to have a tinkle, when the car...' But... my parents died in a car accident. It was no accident. It was an assassination attempt. 'I thought only Austin survived.' 'I should have told you the truth.' 'But those Belgians, they made you so damn evil!' And, of course, they share a border with the Dutch! Very interesting story, Mr Powers! Of course, I'm gonna have to wait until I see all the facts. Daddy! (CRIES) Oh, ssh! Daddy's here, Dougie! Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Dougie? Dougie? Remember, Dougie? Dad, what's going on? What are you going to do, Austin? Austin! Are you sure you can trust Dr Evil? He ain't heavy. He's my brother, baby! Yeah! (LAUGHS) I should have told you this so long ago, son. I'm very proud of you. (CHOKES ON EMOTION) Can you forgive me? I forgive you, Dad. Ha-hey, Daddy! My daddy! (BOTH LAUGH) (LAUGHS) My two sons! I'm Dougie! I'm Dougie! (CRIES) Come on! Come on in! Oh, there you are! (LAUGHS) Oh, come on! I mean, first I'm not evil enough for you, and now you're gonna turn good? Listen, Scott, you can spend your whole life trying to win your parents' acceptance. But at the end of the day you've just gotta do it for yourself, baby. Oh, yeah? Is that all I gotta do? Hey, Austin, Ssh! What? I hate you. I hate you! I hate YOU! I don't even know you but I hate you, too! And I especially hate YOU! You'll pay. You'll all pay! I'd like to point out that no-one else in my gene pool runs like a girl. Not so fast, shmarty pants! Dr Evil, you might not want to destroy the world, but I doooooo! Preparation H goes ahead as planned! I'm going to flood the earth! Think again, Goldmember! Hah! Foxxy Cleopatra! It's a shame I have to kill your partner! Too bad for you-hoo! Too bad for me? How about too bad for you? Oh, no! (SHRIEKS) No! No! No! No! Luckily I keep a shpare. (UNSCREWING) Look, everyone! My winkie was a key! Only a bloody Dutchman! (SNIGGERS) You're mine, sucker! Yes! Foxxy, I'm coming! Nobody try anything shtupid, or the shoosting begins! Austin, take Dougie! I'll stay here and be your back-up. Dougie, what do we do? Ooh, I'm not a real hands-on evil genius. Think! You were always the smart one! Er, I could re-route the output capacity to the tractor beam from one of the conduit boxes up there. Come on! Let's go! Yes! The shoosting begins! Let me shoot! Aargh! Aargh! (GRUNTS) You know, Dr Evil, I used to think you were crazy. I know. But now I can see your nuts. I thank you! Gimme the gun! (LAUGHS) Hurry! Oh! Farger! Farger! Farger! Farger! Ooh! # Farger, can you hear me? Farger! Aaaaaaaaargh! (THUD) (ALL) Whoa! (CHEERING) Well, done, Austin! He saved the world again! Hey, yeah! Thank you! Right on! Austin, you did it! WE did it! Yeah, baby! Hm. No? Just trying it on. Goldmember, you under arrest, sugar. Ha-hey! Assholes! Do I have time for a last smoke and a pancake, or what? (LAUGHTER) "I am from Holland! Isn't that weird?" (LAUGHTER) Yeah! Yes. Well done! Good on ya, man! # Love, sweet love # Love, sweet love # It's the only thing # that there's just too little of # What the world needs now # is love sweet love # Yes! Hey, Powers! Fat Bastard? But you're not fat any more! I went on the Subway diet, you know just like Jared. I've lost 180lbs! Congratulations, baby! Thank you. I do have a bit of excess skin though. A bit of a problem. And unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina. # Ooh! # Austinpussy! # (CHEERING) Congratulations! Thank you. You alright? OK. Austin, thank you for everything! (CHEERING) Shazam! # Groove me, baby # Move me, baby # Oh, sock it to me, mamma # Ooh!... # I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) # Move me, baby # Oh, sock it to me, mamma # Oh, I like it like that, baby # Groove me, baby # Hey! # # How you doin', honey baby? # You know I don't ask for much but # for a girl spending time alone # can be pretty rough # Well, they're using the same (BEEP) joke as they did in the last Austin Powers film... move... Wait a sec. Well, these... Well, they're using the same joke as they did... Oh! You know what I mean? Boobs, Ozzie! Stop doing it! You're just making me laugh here! (LAUGHS) Oh, don't start this! I'll have to put you back in the fridge! Whoo! One more. Don't make that noise, Sharon. I'm getting all turned on! My testosterone is going dancing! Get off me! Is it,... is it true what they say about you? Kickstand? Really? Um, can I give you my cellphone number? Please? Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Burt Bacharach! # What the world needs now # is love, sweet love # It's the only thing # that there's just # too little of # What the world needs now # is love, sweet love # No, not just for some # But just for # every... # ..one. # I've been holding out so long # I've been sleeping all alone # Lord, I miss you # I've been hanging on the phone # I've been sleeping all alone # I wanna kiss you # sometime # Ooh, ooh, ooh # Ooh, ooh, ooh # Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah # I've been walking in Central Park # Singin' after dark # People think I'm crazy # Stumblin' on my feet # Shufflin' through the street # Askin' people # what's the matter with you, boy? # Sometimes I wanna say # to myself # Sometime I say # Ooh, ooh, ooh, # Ooh, ooh, ooh # Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah # Ooh, ooh, ooh # Ooh, ooh, ooh # Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah # Ah, ah, ah # Ah, ah, ah # Ah, ah, ah # Ah, ah, ah # Ah, ah, ah # Ah, ah, ah # # What's it all about # Austin? # Is it just for the moment # we live? # What's it all about # when you sort it out # Austin? # Are we meant to take more # than we give? # Or are we meant # to be kind? # And if only fools are kind # Austin # Then, I guess # it is wise to be cruel # And if life belongs # only to the strong # Austin # what will you lend # on an old golden rule? # As sure as I believe # there's a heaven above # Austin # I know there's something much more # Something even # non-believers # can believe in # I believe in love # Austin # Without true love we just exist # Austin # Until you find love you've missed # You're nothing # Austin # When you walk # let your heart # lead the way # And you'll find love # any day # Austin # Austin # IMS Subtitles. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.