1 My name is Terri Louise Friesen. On the 10th of May 1989, I was charged with the manslaughter of my 7-week-old daughter Chantelle. I was found guilty and sent to Mt Eden Prison. This is my story. (BABY CRIES) (BABY CONTINUES CRYING) There was no hope. Chantelle was 7 months, so she was two months premature. She was only born 4 pounds something, so she got taken straight away down to neo-natal. She was tiny as. She was beautiful. She was golden, blue eyes, just perfect. I was rapt, you know. I was rapt with my beautiful baby girl. Chantelle had to stay in the hospital for four weeks, because she was prem. I think I stayed there for about a week. It was difficult for me to see her, because I had no transport and I already had my daughter Rebecca. She was only about 2, 2�. By then, I'd got a flat. We didn't have heaps, but we had everything we needed. Chantelle was my partner's first-born baby. Things weren't that great between me and him. He was into popping pills, drinking, going out all the time. (TAPE REWINDS) About a week before Chantelle died, my partner left for a few days, cos we had a big fight. It was while he was gone that I took Chantelle into neo-natal to get her hip check, and they said she was perfect; I was doing a really good job, so I felt really good about that. (BABY CRIES) When my partner came back, she was crying all the time. She was restless. Like, she'd only go down sometimes for five minutes and then be up. And then go down for 15 minutes and then be up. She told me that she had been crying, continually crying, and... Terri was really, really exhausted. (BABY CRIES) The night Chantelle passed away, she started crying hard out. Like, she was gonna go into a frenzy, so I changed her nappy, I picked her up, just rocked her off to sleep and that, and then she went into bed. I went to the sofa in the sitting room, fell to sleep, woke up about an hour or so later, cos I could hear her crying again. My partner goes, 'No, no. I've got it. Go to sleep. 'I'll rock her off to sleep.' So, he was on the chair, just rocking her like this. Just heard her crying for a little while, and then went to sleep. I woke up early hours in the morning. The TV was off, everything was off. I looked on the bed, and I could see her. She was lying next to my partner. And I jumped in beside him and just turned my back. And then in the morning, he jolted, and he goes, 'Terri! She's not breathing! She's not breathing!' I just sprinted next door, jumped the fence, cos we didn't even have a phone. 'Can you ring the ambulance? My baby's not breathing,' and sprinted back, grabbed her. It's like, she was still warm, I thought there was hope. Like, 'Oh God, make her breathe. You know, put life back into her.' And the ambulance came. He goes, 'Oh, I'm sorry. She's gone.' I'm like, 'You're the ambulance driver. 'Youse can do something, man. 'Resuscitate her. Try, at least. Try, she's still warm.' I thought there was hope. TEARFULLY: Nah. She'd gone. I was working an early shift with another constable. I was told by my sergeant that there had been a death of a baby. On our way to the job, we discussed that we would note absolutely everything at the address, simply because it was an unexplained death, and it could well turn into something more serious at a later date. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) The house was extremely tidy. The only indication that there was a child living there, or babies at the address, was a trike on the driveway. She was answering my questions, but she was obviously physically there, but there was very little emotion. She was... coherent but... blank. My partner was very, very quiet. Wasn't really saying anything at all. I think he was holding the baby when we arrived, but he was very emotional with his head down and slumped-looking. When the ambulance and the police left, I felt numb. I just felt... devastated. Chantelle was taken into the mortuary, and my partner and I undressed the baby. Her body was not bruised. No physical injuries had taken place. There was no blood. The pathology report later established that the baby had died from non-accidental injury, through a major brain haemorrhage. The inquiry was then handed over to the CIB detectives to take over and do their investigation. A couple of days after Chantelle passed away, two detectives arrived at my back door. They're like, 'Oh, we've got some questions for you.' They were quite abrupt. We had to sort out someone to come and look after Becca while we're getting questioned. My partner was crying hard out. They separated us. The cop that was questioning me had no sympathy at all. There was a baby doll sitting right there. I could see it, and he picks up this doll and he goes, 'This is how your baby died,' and started shaking the shit out of it. He's looking at me, and I'm sitting there, like, 'You sick bastard.' I told him everything I did that day, everything I did that night; early hours in the morning when I went in; what happened before the ambulance came. I told them everything. I told that guy everything. He said the neighbours heard me swearing at my baby, and then it went quiet. (BABY CRIES) Yes, I swore at her, but that was to calm her down and to see if my partner gave a shit. That's it. The cop was questioning me for hours over and over and over about times that my partner wasn't there. I wasn't satisfied with nothing ` nothing I had to say. Then the phone rang. It was getting pretty late, man. He gets off the phone, he's like, 'The people looking after Rebecca, they got to go, 'and we're not gonna let any of youse go until one of youse confesses. 'If your partner says that it's him, Terri, he's gonna die. OK? He's gonna die in prison. 'There's no doubt about it. And Becca's off to a social welfare home until one of youse admits it. 'So basically, are you a murderer or are you not?' I said, 'OK, then. It was me,' and that's when I cried. He wrote down the statement. I said I shook her. I said I didn't shake her to hurt her, just to stop her from crying. I just signed it. That was that. 1 We had the tangi soon after Chantelle died, and I was just still in shock and disbelief. I hurt, but I didn't let anyone see me hurt. I didn't cry for the whole time, because I was too scared to cry. On the 10th of May, they came and got us, took us back to the station. They told us that she had cracked ribs, as well. I told them, 'I don't know how the hell that happened.' The officer just kept hounding me about ` when did my partner leave, when did he come back? It was just all about that. I'd already confessed, so it was all over for me anyway. I signed another statement. I said I picked her up firmly a few times when my partner was away, but I didn't mean to hurt her. These were the officer's words; they weren't my words. I was over. I was going down for it all. When I heard Terri had been charged for killing her baby, I got instantly angry. I thought, 'What's going on? That's not her. She could never hurt her babies ` nobody's babies.' DOT: She was coming up for trial when she came around with Becca, and she was visibly shaken. This one knocked the stuffing out of her. I felt like I'm watching someone else's life now. I was scared to feel anything, to be honest, cos it was too deep. So I just wanted to be numb. It took about six months to go to trial, and I got pregnant again. I always had strong belief in God. I felt like, to be honest, that God had said, you know, 'You're all right,' so I felt like that was a gift to me, and it reassured my mind. The only other involvement I had personally was giving evidence in the High Court. I was informed that Terri had pleaded not guilty with a defence of infanticide. I didn't even know what infanticide meant, to be honest. I remember my lawyer saying, 'Because you said it was you, there's really nothing we can do.' A defence of infanticide must meet certain criteria. It has to be the biological mother, and it has to be within a 12-month period of her giving birth. And I think that covers the chemical imbalance within a woman's body after giving birth. I was so scared the day of my trial. My mum and Rebecca, they came to every part of the trial. Every time we'd go to start, Rebecca would quickly run out and try and come up and give me a hug and a kiss. And that was cool. It was cool, and it was sad. It was` Cos I didn't want Mum to see any of the ugly stuff that was happening in my life. They were making out like it was out of my choice. Like, I just wasn't interested, I didn't care about her, how could I leave her up there that long without visiting? The biggest gap was when I was having to get the flat ready. The flat had fleas in it. I don't want to bring her back to a flea-ridden flat with nothing in it. And it was true ` I did. I did swear at my daughter, and I felt like, well, you know, that is such an ugly thing to do. I only swore at her to stop her from crying herself into a fit. She wouldn't stop. I just felt like the worst mother in the world when that was brought up. I hated myself for that. (SNIFFLES) (SIGHS) They were suggesting that all the injuries that happened to Chantelle must have happened when my partner was away. Basically that's all they were really interested in. When wasn't he there, and why wasn't he there? And how did you feel about him not being there? I just felt so... misjudged, hated on. I didn't even know how to look, because I knew how everyone looked at me. I thought I was going to hell, to be honest. I thought I was off to get killed. Even though she'd confessed, we were still... stunned that she had been found guilty. They said I had to go to Auckland High Court for sentencing in three weeks. I got bail, and I was allowed to stay at home with Rebecca. And even though I had name suppression, the trial was so publicised, I felt like everyone knew who I was. I was the girl who'd just been found guilty of manslaughter on my baby. By then, my partner was in prison for burglary. DOT: Well, she felt threatened, and at her home she was getting prowlers, and she was really worried for the safety of Becca and her unborn child, so I told her to come and stay with me. Mum had a friend, and he had ties with a marae that might be an alternative sentence for me besides prison, so I had great hope in that. That I will go and have my baby, and they can just monitor me, and watch me and make sure I'm not a bad mum to my baby and all that. I was hoping for the other one, but I was still prepared for prison. I don't expect a soft trip. I knew it would be a hard one. When I got up there, I had to wait in the court cells, and who's in there ` Renee Chignell, (LAUGHS) who was a dominatrix waiting to get sentenced for murder. She was really cool. She was really good to me. Straight away, we hit it off. My probation officer was recommending that I spend six months on a marae. The judge said he was prepared to consider the community placement, but he needed a full report on the programme, and because it was just before Christmas, he remanded me for six weeks in Mt Eden Women's Prison before he could consider it properly. So, I was off to prison, but my conscience was clear, because I knew I was innocent. It wasn't me. I knew who did it. It was my partner. 1 On the 30th of November 1989, I was found guilty of manslaughter for my daughter Chantelle, and I was being sent to Mt Eden Prison. But it wasn't me. TEARFULLY: It was my partner. He killed her. He killed my baby. (TAPE REWINDS) (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC) My partner and I met when I was about 14. Mum had a Space Invader parlour back in the '80s, and he'd come to the parlour. We became really good friends. DOT: As a teenager, she was quite tomboyish. Natural. What you saw is what you got. VONNY: She was a wahine toa. She was so strong, so staunch. She didn't like bullies. My first daughter, Rebecca, was born to someone else. (CHUCKLES) I was, like, 18, just going on 19, and it was about a year after that, that he showed up out of the blue one night. It was like, wow, and he stayed for a while, and that's when we basically hooked up then. Well, I'd never really been in love before. It was totally, totally... new to me, so I think I was in love with him. (CHUCKLES) I think I fell in love. Absolutely loved him. Loved him. After he knew I was into him properly, then he started being a control freak. I wasn't allowed any friends ` no one ` and if anyone came to the house, they would be on his invite. I had to be nice, but I'm not allowed to look at them. I got used to just looking at the ground. Terri's partner came to our attention on a reasonably frequent basis. He was, uh, described as a petty criminal, if you like, because he was often caught, uh, stealing from cars and pinching cars and breaking into houses and that type of thing. I know that he had some issues with alcohol, and when he did have a binge or two, that's when he was involved with these crimes. When he first hit me, I was in shock, and I just didn't know what to do. I thought he'd see how good a person I am to him, and, you know, how loyal I am and everything, and he'd just never do that again, but he just got worse. I can't remember exactly how it would all start. I was so paranoid, I wouldn't give him any reason to find anything wrong, so the house would be immaculate. Becca was immaculate. I was immaculate. We wouldn't say anything out of place. It got to the stage that no matter what I said, no matter what I didn't say, he was just going to hit me. Women don't get into relationships with abusive men; they get into relationships with men that then become abusive. And for those women, what often happens is that they... they get a sense of uncertainty about themselves, because they're like, 'How did I let this happen?' You know, 'How did I let this man do this to me?' I felt ashamed ` ashamed of what, you know, we were having to deal with, cos I used to be, you know... I used to be so cool. You know, nothing could mess with me, and all of a sudden I'm living this life of a... flea, really. ANG: Their day-to-day existence would be an ongoing experience of fear and uncertainty, and that level of chaos and... instability creates a sense of insecurity for them. They doubt their own self. I was basically not knowing what to do, because I got pregnant to him, with Chantelle. And when you get a baby to a man, you think, 'Oh well, God has predestined us to be together, 'and this is just the way it has to be with me. He must hate me.' That's how I thought. 'God must hate me.' DOT: Probably not much longer after Terri was getting beaten up did I hear that he was being like that with Becca. CRIES: Mama. Mama. I'd, like, physically jump in and thrown him off her or boot him, so he'd just take it all out on me, take the rage out on me and leave her alone. TEARFULLY: Leave her alone. (SIGHS) One time, I quickly zapped down to the shop. TEARFULLY: By the time I came back, she was all purple. He'd beaten her because she couldn't reach the toilet door, and she was scared. (SNIFFLES) I wanted Rebecca to be safe, but he had me under lock and key. (KNOCKING) VONNY: We went up and knocked on the door, and he answered it, and says, 'Oh, nah, nah. She's not here. 'She's not here, and` and I'm gonna go to bed now,' and it was, like, at about 10 o'clock in the morning. ANG: For women like Terri, there is a gradual process where their sense of who they are and their ability to have any sort of control gradually gets, um, eroded. It almost gets stripped away to the point where it diminishes them and their ability to be effective. He took off one day, and I took off, and we got away, and we went to stay with Mum, and we were way out in the wops. My partner showed up in a car full of other guys. He had a gun. ANG: When you're being threatened with a shot gun, there would be a sense of hopelessness that would sit around that. There's no ability to actually make change. She tried. She left. He tracked her down, threatened her. She really would had felt, I think, that she had no options at that point. (TAPE REWINDS) (BABY CRIES) When I had Chantelle, every time she cried, he'd get pissed off, so when he left for a few days, it was, 'Ah, peace.' I loved it. I had everything in order. I was in control. When my partner came back, she was restless. I didn't know what was wrong with her. She was gone, and I thought it was cot death. I thought, 'Yep. He took her away from the situation. (SNIFFLES) 'I was obviously gonna be too weak and (SNIFFLES) useless to defend her from him in the future.' That's just how I had to think of it. (SNIFFLES) That night, my partner's crying on the sofa, and he said, 'I think it might have been me, 'because I shook her last night.' I'm like, 'Oh, don't be stupid. It was cot death.' So when the cops told me that my daughter had passed away through a violent shaking, I got warped out. I'm like, 'Oh my gosh, you did do it,' but at the time I thought, you know, it would have been such an accidental one-time occurrence. I honestly felt so sorry for him, because I thought, 'Oh, you must feel so bad right now, 'cos surely they're showing you what they're showing me. Your nightmare has come true.' And I expected him to say it, like, you know, straight away. 'That was me. I did that.' I waited all day for him. Nothing. Well, false confessions are more common than most people think they are. You can think of them as happening in maybe three phases, and almost entirely psychologically driven. Typically there's some kind of interrogator. The first psychological tactic they use is to isolate the suspect. Anyone in that kind of situation becomes increasingly anxious, increasingly stressed, increasingly fearful. So, the interrogator now suggests to you, 'Here's some evidence why we think that you did this crime.' Your partner has said that he wasn't even there for a while. Is that when it happened, Terri? Another kind of tactic might be to say, you know, 'What do you think your buddy is doing in that room next door?' These kinds of tactics at this stage are designed to make you doubt your own memories and beliefs. I felt like my mind was getting twisted. They wouldn't believe me. I said, 'No, I didn't. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.' Even though I knew it was him, I wouldn't tell the police that it was him. I just would not nark. I was waiting for him to do the right thing and say... admit it. With those two lines of pressure put on you, now, then, the third phase, what the interrogator does, is let off, like, a little release valve. Open a little release valve, and say, 'This will go a lot better for you if you just confess.' The cop said, 'If your partner says it's him, he's gonna die in prison, but because you're a woman, 'you know, you've just had a new baby and you get more sympathy, that it will go way easier for you.' A skilled interrogator who wants to extract a confession can prey on your specific psychological vulnerabilities. Someone might be afraid of what's gonna happen to their partner. Someone might be afraid of what's gonna happen to a child. Anything that makes you vulnerable, just to make it that much more likely that you will falsely confess to something. The cop said, 'One of youse has to confess or Becca's off to social welfare.' Back in those days, social welfare custody meant getting played with, getting beaten, getting lost in the system. You never get them back. My partner then knew that I would do anything to save Rebecca. Everyone has a point at which they break. So that is why I said it was me, because I'd just lost my baby, and now this cop is threatening that the only one I've got left is going to social welfare, which is like losing another one. TEARFULLY: And it was such a terrible thing to come out of your mouth, let alone, you know, know it's a lie. That you did and you didn't, and you know it, and God knows it, and she knows it, and he knows it. I think that what people need to wrap their head around is that most` most of us would confess. 1 1 When I went to court, my biggest emotion was sadness for what's happened to Chantelle, for what she went through. (TAPE REWINDS) They kept saying the injuries could have happened when my partner was away, but those rib injuries were seven to 10 days old. He left a week before she died. He must have hurt her just before he left. The minor haemorrhage was 72 hours before she died. He came back three or four days before she died, and that's when she became restless. I didn't even know about all the injuries, because I was so emotional, and for all these years, I didn't realise there were two brain injuries. That's just, to me, like, abuse. No wonder you were crying. I didn't know what was wrong with her. (SIGHS) TEARFULLY: If I did, man, I would have so got her to the doctor straight away. It's cos I didn't know, and I couldn't stop it. I didn't know. (SNIFFLES) When the jury came in at night and found me guilty of manslaughter, man, my whole life was just... felt gone. Everything had been taken away from me. I remember walking into prison feeling vulnerable and scared. Being pregnant and with that kind of charge on me, I knew that I would get hated on. I was scared for my baby in my puku. Two officers come in my room and says, 'Pack up your gears. You're going into isolation. 'Someone in here wants to stab you.' They locked me up in the pound ` broken concrete on the floor and everything ` and I was in there for a good week. Renee Chignell came, and she was allowed to come in. She goes, 'Wanna come and have Christmas in our wing?' I'm like, 'Oh, is it safe?' She's like, 'Yeah, nah, they're sweet as, mate, sweet as. Come by us, Puku.' So I did. I went and had Christmas lunch with the girls in B Block. Every night when I'd go to bed, I'd cry for Chantelle. In the daytime, just to cope with being in there, I'd just knit. My lawyer rings. 'That other alternative sentence for the marae ` it's fell through, mate. 'You're looking at prison. Probably do about at least three years.' So I went to court for sentencing, expecting the worst. The judge said he took a lot into consideration ` the anguish of causing the death of my own child, and the fact that I'd already spent six weeks in Mt Eden. He sentenced me to six months' supervision. So I'm like, 'Wow! Does this mean I'm free?' I was rapt. I got to go home. I was so happy. I thought it was finally over. I am free. I first met Terri through my husband Paul's involvement in the prison. Paul was a voluntary chaplain up there, where he met Terri's partner. Her partner used to come to church with us, and he would have day release from prison. Terri would come along with Rebecca, and they'd often come home and have lunch with us after church. He came back basically crawling. (CHUCKLES) You know, like, really, really super gentlemanly nice to me when he was coming out on day release. 'Oh, my gosh, could it be real? OK. Yeah, cos if anyone deserves the goodness out of you, it's me.' She had told us what had happened to Chantelle. She had also discussed exactly how it had happened, so even in the early stages, we had known that her partner had committed the crime. Terri had a genuine relationship with God. She wanted to believe the best in people. From my opinion, Terri's partner was trying to sort out family life. DOT: Couldn't believe Terri's loyalty. I wasn't sure whether she was blinded by her love for him, or whether she was truly being... forgiving. The forgiveness part, I suppose I kind of... had. It wasn't for me to judge. It was between him, his maker and Chantelle. When you're pregnant to a man, it's like an invisible string that you can't cut, so I decided to stay with him. My waters broke, and I was off to hospital to have Louise. (BABY CRIES) And because of my conviction, social welfare were there straight away. They had come in and left a note on my bed while I was coming back from the shower, and that they have got full custody of my new baby and I'm not allowed to leave hospital with her. I can go, but she's not coming. I just felt like... worthless, nothing. Again. I became aware at the hospital that Terri wasn't able to take Louise home. I was a young mum myself, so Paul and I invited Terri, Louise and Rebecca to come and stay in our home, which appeared to be an arrangement that was suitable for the social workers. Paul and Nicki, they were like a ray of sunshine in the` in the darkness. I just felt so thankful that they weren't looking down on me, cos I would have felt it. But they got told to watch me. The understanding was at no time I would leave Terri and Louise in the house alone or let them go out alone together. I felt really confident in that situation, seeing how caring and doting and loving she was towards Louise. She wanted to provide for them all that a family would entail, which included having their father there. Terri's partner looked good on the outside ` really good ` to the point of I thought things had changed finally. When my partner got out of prison, he wanted to get married ` you know, have a good life, look after this new baby, because it was, like, his chance to make good. I thought I had to. And if God has given you another child after something bad has happened to your last one, that's because he even wants youse to still be together. He said you've still got to stay together, so that's where my mindset was at. VONNY: I thought, 'What are you doing?' Did he have a knife to her back or something, you know? Her mum came around to see me and thought she was crazy. She said, 'She is crazy.' Not long after we got married, got our own house, my partner started his old ways back up with me. He just started getting worse and worse and worse. In my eyes, I look at him like he's a monster. He was somebody that... scared ya even if he was asleep, because as soon as he gets up, you know it's all on. I feel he was haunted. And one night of guilt, he goes, 'That's it. I'm going to confess. I'm going to do the right thing.' I thought, 'Yes! Yes! Finally!' you know? So, he comes back. He said he told a sergeant and that sergeant told him, 'No, it's Terri. Leave it alone.' He just came home and he goes, 'So, it was you, so that's that,' and gave me a hiding, and then went to bed. There really was no way out for me. The cops weren't on my side. That was obvious. And if you can't run to them to protect you from a monster, you have to live in it. You have to sit there and eat shit, basically. Sit there and take it, cos there's nothing else you can do. That's how it is. I went on to have six more children to my partner. People say, you know, children are born out of love. They weren't all born out of his love, just mine. As a mother, to see your babies get hurt,... it's like... it's like your own private hell. LOUISE: She used to try and, like, jump in the way and actually physically stop him. We just wanted her to leave. Why are you still here? Like, why are we still here? Why`? Why don't`? Why don't we just leave? Man, I must have tried running about a good 10 times. And every time we did, he found us, no matter where it was ` the North Island, the South Island. He found a way to find us, and he had, like, an army with him, so there was too many of them to just try and, yeah, get away from. It took 10 years after Chantelle passed away to, um... to get the courage up to actually leave him for good. He was having a mental, smashing up the kitchen. Me and the kids just ran. We ran. He came chasing, and he got a few boots in tothe car, but we` Oh, it's not like I was gonna stop. Nah. We were out. That was our day of 'see ya.' (CHUCKLES) My sister was in Whangarei, so I made a plan to go up there and start my new life. But when I first got there, it's like whatever was making me feel trapped had left me. It just really` As soon as I hopped out and put my foot on the ground, it was like, 'Phew,' and I knew right there and then, 'I will never, ever go back to you. I will never, ever take you back. 'You're out for life. It's done.' There was no more fear. There was no` no` no more being scared and, um, feeling like we had to look over our shoulders every five, 10 minutes. It was like taking, (DEEP BREATH) you know? It was, um... We were free. I never used to look up at people, but I could up there. I could look at people in the eye again. TEARFULLY: And, you know, just to know that people actually liked me, cos, you know, you feel like such an ugly person, cos all you've seen is ugliness. Then you finally look up, and people are, like, smiling at you, so, oh... (CHUCKLES) I still had my conviction, but I was finally free of him. 1 We'd been in Whangarei for a couple of years. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) It was a sunny day. I'm just doing my thing. Happy as. I get a knock on the door. I'm like, 'Whoa.' I knew this guy. I was in the police in 1989, uh, as a constable. Uh, I was aware of Terri's case but had no dealings with it. In 2002, information came through from a detective in Christchurch that, uh, Terri's partner had gone into the police station and told the detective that it wasn't Terri that killed, uh, Chantelle, uh, it was him. Well, I wanted to get a clear picture in my mind, uh, by visiting her that what he had said could be the right thing. He asked me if he could come in, cos he had a statement for me to sign saying my partner had forced me to take the rap. I just signed the bottom line, and that was that. So, I said, 'Look, I will be going to see, uh, your ex, and, uh, I will be charging him with manslaughter.' I was rapt that he confessed, and I thought, 'Cool. Life is gonna change now. Life is gonna be better. 'People are gonna know I'm innocent.' Terri's ex was asking, uh, to be charged on two counts ` one of perjury and one of manslaughter. He lied, on oath, in an aggravated robbery matter. He wanted to get that off his chest as well. He was friendly. Uh, he seemed to have had his life, uh, in order. He told me that he had tried to confess earlier. He didn't disclose who that was to. I suppose he had a conscience. He wanted to come closer to his God, and he was trying to get, um, those crimes washed away, if you like. It was his last-ditch attempt to try and get me back, because then now I have truly cut a track and he will never have me again, or the kids. Terri's ex subsequently appeared in court. Uh, it was my understanding that he received three years' imprisonment for the manslaughter and the perjury. I expected it to be cleared off my record, and finally I have a clean record, which means I can go out and apply for proper jobs. I thought it would be awesome. She wanted to talk to me about how she could get her slate clean, if you like, and I wasn't sure of that procedure. Once someone else is charged for a crime that you had been charged with, it wouldn't automatically wipe the slate clean. I've asked lawyers up in Whangarei and Whanganui and New Plymouth. In New Plymouth especially, no one even wanted to even know. It's still on my official record. It changed nothing for me and the kids. I can't get a job. I've never been able to get a job because they see that on my record. They don't want to hire me. Who wants to hire a baby killer? So, I've had to do things I'm not proud of, just trying to make ends meet for my babies. Man, I wanted to work all my life to support my kids. I want to leave them more of a legacy than love, you know. Love is awesome and everything, but it doesn't butter the bread, doesn't put a bread in the cupboard. That conviction has shattered Terri, my sister. She's... She's shattered. Losing Chantelle has been... a loss that Terri hasn't been able to get over and a grief that she's had to carry for so long. My partner, he actually took her cross off the grave, because he didn't want people to know that she even existed. I'm angry at my partner for making me take the blame. I'm also angry at the police cos of all the pressure that they put on me to say it was me. There had been some discrepancies with interrogations. That's why the Bill of Rights was introduced back in 1990. I think the act probably helped reduce confessions coming by way of pressure from an, uh` from an interviewer. It's just lucky she's had her children. I think that's their love and her love for them has helped her get through. She is somebody that we want to protect and look after for the rest, you know, of... of our lives. We want to do what we can to protect her. She's been through enough. She doesn't need any more stress or anything ugly or negative. She deserves everything good. She's innocent, you know, and innocent people, they need, you know, the truth to be told. My daughter Chantelle was hidden like a dirty rag, like a dirty secret, and I want to talk about her. She deserves to be brought to the light. Now everyone knows that she really did exist, she was a beautiful person, beautiful soul, she was taken in a most hideous way, and the one that took her deserves all the hell he gets. I've never had an apology. It's still on my official record. I still live with it every day. I am innocent.