1 Able 2017 WIGGUM: Yeah, I know Ralphie's birthday is coming up. Of course I'm gonna get him a present. I'm at the... at the toy store right now. Let's see, present for Ralph, present for Ralph. Ooh, what do we have here? Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds. And somehow it'd be my fault. Hmm. This money has been sitting here since 1998, not doing anybody any good. I wanna get Ralphie something nice. Yeah, a few thousand should do. Hm-mm. (whistling a tune) Uh, you heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence. Uh, proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt. Oh, yeah? Well, what does this mean? Skiddily bop and bah! (whooping) (engine revving, tyres squealing) (kids shouting playfully, noisemaker honking) OK, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before... Too late. (both gasp) BART: That's the best damn treehouse I've ever seen! (heavenly music plays) Fine. I'll rub my eyes the other way. (inspiring orchestral fanfare plays) (lively chatter, laughing) Whee! Whee...! Whoa! The September issue! (gentle classical music plays) Whoo! Free wood! (Homer whoops) Haw-haw! (singsongy): You have class envy! (slurring): Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw." Give me a dollar and I'll stop. Haw-haw! (Homer hums happily) Do you want to practice your speech on me? (chuckles) No need, honey. Same speech I give every year. The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills. You can't joke about her -- they just put her on life support. What?! No! She's the linchpin! Everyone is terrified of public speaking. But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham. (dramatic musical stinger) You don't have faith in me! I have savers. If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!" I'm sure that'll be funny to them. Mmm! (kisses) (whimpers) Calm down, Homer. Just leave your body. Oh no! What the hell is this?! (humming happily, startled grunt) Ooh, throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first. No. I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks. Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could. (grunting) I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree. Get growing. I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you. Huh? But you're an inside grown-up. Moms can't build treehouses. You realise that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw! Sounds good. (Marge screams) Don't worry. You forget, most of that's hair. BURNS (chuckles): So I said, "Get a half-life!" (laughter) (chuckles) Funny and handsome. And I hear he's loaded. Now, to end this perfect day on the perfect note, Mr Homer Simpson. (footsteps echoing) (footsteps echoing louder) (man coughs) You're gonna do great, Homer. You're gonna kill. You're gonna-- Oh, where did all these people come from?! Uh, uh,... Webster's Dictionary defines... a speech as a... series of words that... (murmuring) I've never seen anyone bomb like that. Yeah. I really feel badly for the guy. Boo! Boo! (audience booing) (whimpering, shuddering) I'm a failure. Shall I release the hounds, sir? Oh, oh, I feel a little better. Now release the real hounds. (Homer screaming) It's a pretty good seminar this year. Let's see, present for 1 Dad, what's wrong? Did your speech go badly? How do you know something's wrong? Hmm? Eh. Aw, Dad, do you know Barbra Streisand once forgot the words to a song and didn't perform in public again for nearly three decades? Yeah, but she still had James Brolin to cuddle. So, on a scale of 10 to 10, how'd you do? Um... (water dripping) # Drip drop, you flop. # Drip drop, you flop. # Drip drop, you flop. # Drip drop, you flop. # Drip drop, you flop... (squeaky voice): What the hell is your problem, idiot! (kettle whistling, Homer gasping) (sobbing): I don't know! (Homer whimpers) We'll go to the comedy club downtown. Downtown? With all those desperate addicts? Oh, the city cleaned them up and made them comics. Cool! Homie, you're gonna chuckle your blues away. This is the best kind of comedy. No writers. And I appreciate this, but I really resent the two-drink minimum! You always drink more than two drinks. But no one makes me. Three Long Island iced teas, please. OK, we're gonna perform a little improv. First we need a location. Uh, 40.7 degrees north latitude, 74 degrees west longitude. Ah, yes, New York City. Now we need a relationship for me and Cathy here. Loveless marriage! (laughs): OK, I heard loveless marriage. These guys are pros. All they did was ask for two premises. That's two more than you've asked for. (sighs): Oh boy. All right, all we need now is an object. Anyone. (quietly): Fear of public speaking Oh,... fear of public speaking. Maybe he has trouble talking in the dark. Hey, Jerry, bring up number seven. (shrieks) No! Jerry, no! Argh! No! Argh! Jerry, stop it! No! Don't... Argh! Oh no! Oh-ho-ho! Argh! Oh! OK, OK, OK, um,... fear of public speaking. Well, that's not really an object, but we'll make it work. New York City, loveless marriage, fear of public speaking. They've pulled back the bow -- now let the arrow take flight. You know, I'm gonna move over a seat. We now take you to an apartment on 68th and Columbus Ave. (trembling): Oh... eeh... ah... ah... ooh... What? What? Cathy, what's wrong? I... ah-ah-ah... ah... Aw, for heaven's sakes, Cathy, when we got married, you used to speak for hours. But since we moved to New York City, nothing! (audience laughing) Come on, Cathy, say something! Anything! (Italian accent): Fuggedaboutit! And scene! I said "fear of public speaking." Yes, you did. Very nice. Return to your seat immediately. Wow. Wow. These guys do everything I can't. Maybe they can teach me. I don't know that they're interested in that. $500 for the first eight classes. Couldn't people just form their own groups for free? And scene. Uh, uh,... excuse me, is this the, uh, improv class? Yes, and... come in. Sit anywhere? HOMER: This is it. I feel my mind exploding with premises. So many ideas, but how do I turn them into comedy? # Oh, kiss me # beneath the milky twilight-- # (chuckling) Homer, could` could you stay with us, please? I don't know how. The secret is to lose yourself and become, say, a suicidal auctioneer. I could not possibly imagine what such a person would say. Well, just remember, it's-it's not you. Don't you get it? The secret to life has been right in front of you all along ` don't be yourself! Uh, uh, OK. What am I bid for this noose? Do hear $100? No? Going,... going... (chokes) (laughter) That's great! Really took my mind off my sick grandmother. (electronic chime) Looks like the hospital left a message. (voice breaking): Gotta go. (laughing): It made me laugh. So then, you pay me? No, never! And if you open your own school, we'll break your legs! You want to give him the one we can never crack? Queen of Norway buying a car. (high-pitched): Oh dear! I can't a-fjord it! A star is born. (grunting) Excuse me. I'm from the city. Are you aware that you live in a historical treehouse preservation district? May I see your permits? (screams) D` Don't worry. I'll take care of it. (grunting) I've gotta hand it to you, Dad. You went from fear of public speaking to starting your own improv troupe. Improv is exciting, but totally safe. Like driving a helicopter on the ground. Um, that's not safe. Don't deny the premise. That's anti-improv. Note for new character, "Auntie Improv." (high-pitched): May I hear a suggestion? People, don't freak out, but the improv critic from the Springfield Shopper is in the audience. (gasps) Steve Thurlson? No, Thurlson is their improv reporter. Grant Hood is their improv critic. Then who's Jennifer Whitehead? You know, trends, big picture stuff. Who does the top 10 list at end-of-year "Best of Improv" issue? They each write their own. (all murmuring assent) Oh yeah. I forgot about that. That's true. (piano riff playing) Hi, everybody. We are "Premises, Premises." Yes, it says on Google that there are 5012 improv groups with that name. LENNY: Take it, Homer. (nervously): Uh, OK, I need a location. Uh, Jackson Square in New Orleans. And a type of person that might be there. Someone with confidence. (Cajun accent): I ga-ron-tee it! So, Tuesday is the treehouse warming. Nelson's gonna show us his mom's bra. (gasps) That's the thing that boobs touch. Whoa, automatic blinds. Yeah, I think my mom put those in. No need to thank her. She's just doing her job. (grunts) The Keebler Elves are real! Pass the gravy, Bart. Thank you. Jeez, who ordered the crab? (gasps) There's crab? There's no crab. There's no "thank you's", no appreciation. Nothing. Uh, who was that directed at? Bart! (phone chimes) The Springfield Fringe Festival just invited us to perform. Huh? What's a "Fringe Festival"? My guess would be it's a three-day series of performances by alternative comedy and music acts, including, but not limited to, improv, stand-up, light circus work and ironic burlesque. We're gonna be on the main stage on closing night! This is going in my log. Yay! (chuckles) More crab for me. Mm! (humming happily) (grunts, slurps) Mmm! (Marge grunting) Aw, Marge, don't take it to heart. Kids are ungrateful ` that's their job. You can cheer up watching me at the Fringe Festival. Good for you. The main stage, closing night, all eyes on you. Wh-Wh-Wh-What... What are you saying? Thinks: Oh, she's making me nervous again. But now I'm a trained comedy amateur. No one can get in my head. Thinks: Marge Simpson, you don't want to accidentally undermine him like last time. Oh, thank God he doesn't know what I'm thinking. I know exactly what she's thinking ` that if I mess this up, I'll be worse off than ever. He does know. (Both scream internally) Ooh, what do we have here? Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds. 1 Homer? (muffled): Aw, what? I slept on it, and I'm madder than ever. Go get Bart. Oh my God, Marge, you woke up with morning-would-be-mad. OK, I'll put this in your new language. Location ` Bart's room. Action ` bring him here. Can I get a character, please? a near-sighted Frankenstein. OK. (growling) Bride! Bride! I do not look like the Bride of Frankenstein. (as monster): Don't deny premise. (growls) (knocking on door) (grunts) BART: Mom, can I come in? You like your eggs a little runny don't you? What? And your toast set at four, with a little bit of butter? Yeah! Hash browns might be a little burnt. I like 'em however you make 'em, sweetie. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. We all forget just how many wonderful things you do. Aw. (gasps) (voice-breaking): Y-You're making me cry. (sobs) And best of all, you're as hot as the day I met you. (sobs) Thank you! That apology speech you wrote worked like a charm, Pop. Your mother can't resist an apology that comes straight from the heart... of this box. Oh, dear God, this is not a Renaissance Faire, is it? Uh, that's in two weeks, Henry the Weight Problem. Ha! Gee, I don't know if I belong here with all this talent. (in goofy voice): Hey, Reverend. Why didn't the dinosaurs make it on Noah's Ark? (in normal voice): Ooh, I give up. (in goofy voice): Because they didn't exist. (laughter) Dad, this festival encourages experimentation, even failure. Oh, what if I don't fail? Desperate times call for desperate measures. I am getting a helium balloon. That makes anyone funny. (in high helium voice): Be right back! (Homer retching) Homer, are you OK? You look exactly like Barbara Streisand did in 1967. I can't think of anything funny. Homer, Homer, relax, you're a riot. Remember how funny you was when you was the confident Cajun? Look, just let me feed you the prompt. Wait, you mean cheat at improv? What would Del Close say? He would say, "Do like Moe says, and shut the hell up." Who's Del Close? Only the author of the best book I intend to read someday. Homer, the cemeteries are filled with people who didn't cheat at improv. Hmm. OK, let's go over what you're gonna call out one more time. Uh, ethnicity ` Cajun. Location ` back alley. Good, good. The back-alley Cajun bit. LISA: Dad! Are you cheating by planting suggestions? Maybe. Have you learned nothing from owning an unread copy of Truth in Comedy? It's either that or quit the show. They need your space work, your strong choices and scene-building skills. Hey, lay off your dad, huh? Everything that's supposedly spontaneous has already been planned, OK? Reality shows, uh, lip-sync singing, even... (in dramatic voice): awards shows. No! Yes, that's why the losers don't show up. B-B-B-But they have scheduling conflicts. Yeah, right. Dave Franco has a scheduling conflict. No, no, I've heard enough. I refuse to use performance-enhancing "sugs." AUDIENCE (muttering): It's Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson's here. (audience continues to mutter in excitement) OK, everyone, I'm Homer Simpson, and I need an occupation. Cadaver salesman? Drive-thru cashier. Uh, frog gigger. Nurse. I need a nurse! Back-alley Cajun! Mm-hmm! Ah... A father I can look up to. Oh. Um, uh,... I hear... drive-thru cashier! BOTH: You wha... ? Hello, welcome to "Down and Out Burger." Would you like fries with that? (laughter) Sure thing, Mr Brando. By the way, this is 1992. (Homer chuckles, audience laughs) And now we're gonna do something a little special. Our father is going to improv live answers to questions from the TV audience. It only took us 27 years to do what they could do in 1954. Homer, time to bomb. Hello! I've gathered you here because I have an important announcement. This is the last episode of The Simpsons. It's been a great run-- Just kidding! The Simpsons will never end! Now I've told you two lies. And to prove that we're live, on Saturday Night Live last night, Drake was terrible. Now to take your calls. Let's go to Hannah. Hannah, you're talking to Homer. Hi there, Homer. My question for you is ` who do you like more, Lenny or Carl, and why? Let's see, I like Lenny, because he's the black guy, and... Wait a minute, no. Carl's the... Wait, let me get back to when I figure out who's who. Let's go to the next question. Amanda? Can you give me any tips and tricks for making it look like I'm hard at work, but really I'm relaxing or taking a nap? Always wear glasses with eyes glued on to them. Next question. George, I think. Hello, George. Shoot. Hello, Homer. What's your question? So, my question is pizza related. Pizza? Let's see. I prefer Chicago deep dish, because I like Italian better than Chinese. And now let's go to a planted call with a planted question. Let's go to... Hello, Joel. I'm doing all right. Is that your question? I was wondering, what kind of car do you drive? Oh, I drive a hybrid, which is a combination of old and terrible. Next caller. Chris. Yes, Chris, what's your question? Or comment. My question is ` what's your favourite job? What was your favourite job? My favourite job would've been being an astronaut, because everything was done for me. And also I could get away from the boy. Well, that's it. That's it, ladies and gentlemen. We've come to my closing remarks. It only lasted three minutes, like eating cheeseburgers and making love. If your call hasn't been taken yet, please continue to hold. The cast of Empire will be answering questions Wednesday night. Someone will let them know. Flashing by are all the credits of all the people who work long and hard on this. I have no idea who they are, and now the show is over, the spotlight dims, the laughter fades, someone call Uber, and if Bart would just return my pants so I can move from behind this desk. # Do-do-do-do-do-do. # Waiting on the pants.