# This is my house # I'll house you # I run this # Girl, I'll house you # This is my house # I'll house you # You in my house now # Now, now # 'One! Two! Three!' Three! Three! Yo, what comes after three? Er, four. Four comes after three. I wanna hear you countin'! Four! Four! Five! Five! Six! Six! Faster! Seven! Sims! Eight! Sims! You're goin' home. (THUD!) (BUZZING) I'll see you around, sweet mouth. Inmate on deck! He'll be back. Yeah, baby! See you around, big man. Gates open! Where the hell is this guy? (STEREO BOOMS) Cal? Cal?! (What an idiot!) Lemme pop this door for my man. My man's gettin' home from prison! (BANG!) 'Percy!' I'm sorry, Cal! You stupid! Wait. Hold up. They want us to steal a diamond? How much your man Walken payin'? Dig this. 100Gs. 100Gs?! That's good loot. Enough to get my label started. Lemme give you a taste of my first single. (MUSIC BLARES) That's fire! Yeah. (RAPS) Never been shot before but I've been beat about the skull and the neck area with a crowbar. Check the lyrics. Check the lyrics. # I'll take you to the butcher's shop # Let you lick a big pork chop # Girl, I know you like ham hocks # If you're Jewish, I even got lox Hey, hey!... (LAUGHS) Yo, camel mouth, that's 50 Cent. Cal, that's not 50 Cent. He talk about candy. I'm talkin' about meat. That's a whole 'nother level. P-Unit! Better off stuffin' your money in a mattress. Yeah. I bet you're gonna mess your money up on booze and cheap hookers. So? You need to find you a nice girl and settle down, Cal. You know that ain't happenin'. I mean, you being short and all. (SLAP!) Lemme tell you about love, Percy. I never had it, I don't want it, I don't need it. Alright? You ain't gotta keep hittin' me. How am I gonna be a hardcore rapper when you keep puttin' your hands on me? # Don't push me cos I'm close to the edge # You're gonna hang in the back until Vanessa gets here. When I give you a signal, come out. I gotcha. Jimmy, please, this is the biggest day of my life. It's gotta go off right, OK? What did I tell you? I got you. And can I say somethin'? Congratulations, man! You done stepped up to the plate! Gimme a hug, homeboy! Oh, man, you done did it, you know! (LAUGHS) Hey, man, you ain't had to do this! The valet made me park my van around the corner. Beat it. Thank you. Hi! Hey, beautiful! Mwah! I am so glad that you got out of work to be here. You think I wouldn't take off work and miss this? Are you crazy?! Look at you, beautiful. You are glowing. My God! Thank you. It feels like it was just yesterday when we were in this restaurant when I asked you to marry me. Hm-hmm. I'm still working on that diamond. I didn't forget. I know. You are the sweetest, most supportive man on the planet. Can I talk now? I'm sorry. Go ahead. OK. Erm, so, you know what I've been waiting all week to find out? Yes. Well, I got the news and I'm... Pregnant! Yes! Yes! (APPLAUSE) # Havin' my baby!... Oh! No! No! # It's so important to me There's nothin' more special... I'm not pregnant. # Than to raise a family! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! (GRUNTS) # And... Sir! # And # Sir! No. Stop. No. I'm not pregnant. No? No. You're not pregnant? Baby, but you was nauseous and throwin' up. I was very nervous. Baby, what are we doing here? Darryl, I got the promotion. # We're movin' on up # To the East Side... Jimmy. # And we're movin' on up # OK. I'm gonna hurt him. (JIMMY SQUEALS) Jimmy, stop. Man, you ain't got to do this. OK, then. Beat it. Alright. (SIGHS) Congratulations. I'm... really proud of you. But? But I thought we was gonna start a family. We will,... baby. With this promotion, everything's on track now. In a couple of years I'll be senior VP, then I can take time off. I don't wanna wait a couple of years! Darryl, having a baby changes everything. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. So no more late-night poker with the guys? Cool. No more... afternoon quickies? Stop right there. We haven't had an afternoon quickie since your father moved in. That is not fair! My daddy is getting old and I just don't feel comfortable with him living by himself! What about Whispering Glen? That place looked like a country club. They got Viagra vending machines! You listen to me. Until he is a danger to himself or others, he is staying with us. Now,... can we celebrate? # Celebration # C'mon! We're gonna celebrate # C'mon, c'mon! Let's celebrate! Let's not have a fight # And I'm not talkin' tonight! Hah!... Remix! # Now, just you ladies! Ooh, ooh! Celebrate! Ooh! # Celebrate! Ah-ow! Ooh, ooh! Celebrate Ooh! Celebrate # Hey, oblivious, what are you doin'? Gettin' ready to rob a jewellery store. I'm goin' straight. Percy, put the gun away. Guns is how you wind up back in prison. I ain't goin' back to jail. You understand? (SLAP!) Now, put the gun way! Why you gotta keep hittin' me? Sometimes I gotta slap some sense into you, Percy. C'mon, gimme a hand. Now, would you trust the big man? I got a plan, yo. Now, this stone is a three-carat G-colour diamond. VVS two, nearly flawless. Just be cool, Cal. Oh, there she go! There she...! Go ahead, do your thing, Cal. Er, pardon me for just a moment. (Do your thing.) Yes, may I help you? Erm, er, Percy, CEO and A&R of P-Unit Records. I'm here to pick up some jewellery. Well, holler at your girl! Step this way, Percy P. I like the way you said my name. Can I sit down? Cos she's sittin' down. Of course. Gin and juice? (WHIRRING) I'm gonna show you some shiznit right about now. Yes! Come to Daddy. That's what I'm talkin' about, baby. So, what can I get for you today, Percy P? Erm,... all of the above. (GROWLS) I'm gonna send one of my assistants down here to pick everything up. Tell him to pull up to my bumper and I'll throw that junk in his trunk. Word? Lemme get up outta here cos I gotta bounce. I got some people meetin' me down there and I gotta... So I'm gonna leave. OK? See you later, alright? Peace. Peace! Be cool. What's goin' on in there? Has anyone seen my dog? Hi, puppy. (GROWLS) Uh-oh! (BARKING / SCREAMING) He stole my dog! Holy crap! The Queen's diamond, it's gone! We're almost there, man! We're about to be paid! I need the police! Yes, there's been a robbery! (GROWLING) We did it. Modern-day Butch Cassidy and Sundance! Come back here with my dog! Get outta here! You just tossed a Chihuahua! Let's get outta here! Yes to that. We are gone. C'mon, Percy! (TYRES SCREECH) Aw, man! This ain't no time to be doin' doughnuts! I can't believe this, man! Damn it, you got a boot on the car and you're about to get one on your butt! She finally got me! Who? Nettie down at Motor Vehicles! Said I got her pregnant! I went to court! I had all my receipts! (SIREN WAILS) I'm out. Yo, Percy, you forgot something! What?! Me! C'mon! Sorry, Cal. They went that way! What'd he look like? Black. Got him! Dark or light? Er, medium. Suspect is on foot. He's an African-American male, about 5'10", not real dark, more of a mocha-caramel colour. (SCREAMS) What? You shot? Sweet bejesus! My muscle, I think I've pulled it! Quick, in here! (GROANS) Yo, put me down! We gotta split up! OK. Alright. It's late because of the stress, not because I'm pregnant. Please, don't even say words like stress. It's not good for the baby. Darryl, there is no baby. (Aisle two.) Why didn't you just say that? OK, let's go. OK, fine. Just humour me, OK? OK. Let's go. OK. Enough! OK! OK! (SIGHS) I got one! (SCREAMS) Do not resist! I'm not resistin'! Wilson, Wilson, Wilson! It's not our guy. What? You said African-American. Yeah, but I said a mocha-caramel colour. He's a Starbucks black decaf, maybe a little cream. It's not our guy. Sorry about that. You sure? Yeah. He's OK. Wilson! Well, he looked mocha to me! Thank you. What?! He looked shady. He gonna do somethin' and I'm gonna be waitin'. You still got the diamond? Nah, I had to ditch it. Where? In her bag. Aw, Calvin, now what? We go get it. Let's go. C'mon. (WHISTLES) Follow that car! 1 There they are. There is no baby! There is! There is no baby! Well, there will be. (Let's go.) Daddy, we're home! There's my baby girl! Hi, Daddy! Mwah! Who's the best daddy in the whole wide world? I am. You can do better than that. Who's the best daddy in the whole wide world? I am! I can't hear you! I'm the best daddy in the whole wide world! (SCREAMS) So, what's the good news? Dad,... I got the promotion. Congratulations! Pretty soon you'll make enough money to leave that bum. Oh, Dad, he's not a bum! No? What kinda man gives the woman he loves a wedding ring with no diamond? As soon as I make enough money, I'm gonna buy her a diamond. And I'm gonna do the nasty with Jennifer Lopez while Halle Berry tickle my butt! Ooh! For a moment, I thought you were gonna tell me you were gonna let this one impregnate you, but I see now he ain't got no bullets in the chamber. What's that supposed to mean? You heard. You're shooting blanks. What? (SINGS) Can't hoist the mainsail. My sperm have fallen and they can't get up! Hey, I'm hittin' that every night! Hey, that's my daughter! Back up, old man! Stop, stop, stop, please! Gentlemen! Dad, we are going to have a baby when the time is right. Play nice! It's still in the bag. Aw, it's still in the bag! Let's go get the rock! How many times I gotta tell you? No guns! What we gonna do? Walken will kill us if we don't give him the diamond! Then I guess we gotta find a way to sneak in! (BABY GRIZZLES) Well, they did say they wanted a baby. Nah. Nah. No, I ain't dressin' up like no baby! (GRUNTS) Keep still, Cal. You're gonna make me drop you. You drop me and I'm gonna drop you! You stay close. I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna get the diamond and I'm out. If you don't mind me sayin', you make a cute baby. (SLAP!) I'm out. Could you only find a dog basket? You just be cool. I told you this is gonna be great, Cal. (DOORBELL CHIMES) Just hold tight. Everything gonna be fine. I'm gonna be in the bushes. Move, dog! Get outta here or I'm gonna make a fur coat outta you! Get outta here before I feed you some chocolate! Move! Get outta here, you fleabag! Go! Get outta here! Wait, wait, Muttley! Wait! No! (GASPS) (GROANS) Googoo, gaga. Honey! 'Yeah?' Come here! What is it, Darryl? Look! Googoo, gaga. Oh, my God! It's a... baby. I know, and here's a note, too. "Plez luktafter Kalvin." "We wuzn't abele to keap em." Poor guy, his parents must've been retarded. Well, let's get him inside, it's cold out here. Gaga, googoo. (Yes!) I got you. Oooh! Oh! Oh! Oh, damn! Oh! Ugh! What the hell is that?! Ugh! Phew! Damn! We found a baby on the doorstep. What?! What is it, a boy or girl? I think it's a boy. Whatever it is, it smell like piss! I think Janet may have left some diapers here. Let's go look. Doesn't your dad have some diapers? I don't wear diapers. What are you talkin' about? Haven't worn a diaper in years. I think she put them in here. Whoa! Whoa! What is it? Whoa! That ain't no baby, that's a porn star! What on girth is that? I'm gonna call Child Services. (ALL) Yeah. Do that. Erm... Wow! (RING TONE) "Directory Assistance." Yes, Child Services, please. "Connecting you." Hm-hmm. "Child Services is now closed for the weekend." "We will reopen at 9am Monday morning." (SIGHS) They're closed for the weekend until nine o'clock on Monday. What do we do now? I say toss this creature back in the Black Lagoon! Daddy, stop it! Maybe we should call the police. (BAWLS) (COUGHS) Ooh! (CONTINUES COUGHING) That doesn't sound good. No. Maybe we should take him to the doctor, get him checked out. Who knows what he's been through. I'll get the car keys. When you get to the hospital, don't stop. Don't stop! Toss that monster out the window and keep movin'! I don't wanna see that little ugly thing again! Stinkin' little thing. Er, was it a little cough? (BOTH) No. No, this was like a... grown-man's smoker's cough. Oh. Well, it's probably nothing. Well, come on, let's get his shirt off. (GRUNTS) He's a... strong little fella. (LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Oh, my God! What... is that scar? From the look of it, I'd say he has had his appendix removed. Or he was in one hell of a knife fight. Wh-Wh-What kind of person tattoos a child? You'd be amazed. Come on, open up. Mm-mm. Open up and say, "Aah!" Come on. Come on. (GIGGLES / CHOKES) Oh! What is it? I've never seen a... baby with bridgework. This child has the mouth of a 40-year-old man. I can't tell whether these teeth are coming in or falling out. Well, he's gonna be OK? He's fine. His tonsils are a little swollen and he might have a bit of a cold. As a precaution, take his temperature before he goes to bed. Thank you, Dr Murphy. OK. Thank you very much. Bye. This is just horrible! Look at this child. We have to turn him in so they can find his parents and prosecute them. We can't do that. This kid's already been through the wringer. His parents are probably crackheads. They're gonna put them in rehab, then they'll be back on the streets selling him for a bag of rocks. What are you saying? I'm saying, why don't we just... keep him? Just until Monday. No, Darryl! He's a child. I don't know what to do with a child. Just until Monday and then we'll take him to Child Services. Besides, who could take better care of this child than us? Where is he? Oh, man! (GASPS) Where do you think you're goin'? (LAUGHS) Well, what do we got here? Is this your baby? Yes. Thank you. Well,... actually, er, we found him... Mama! He called me Mama. There you go. Oh! (LAUGHS) Thank you, Officer. Thank you. Percy, I don't like having to look for people. Who, me? I wasn't hidin', Mr W. Not Percy. I was gonna come see you soon as I got the diamond. So you don't have my diamond, huh? No. I mean, I do. I don't have it on me. It's safe. We got everything on lock-down. Believe me. Trust me. Are you trying to hustle me, huh? Hustle a hustler? Ain't nothin' happenin', Mr W. It's just that the robbery didn't go as smooth as we wanted it to and a situation popped up, so we had to split, but my partner - Your partner is not my problem, my problem is I don't have my diamond. I'll give you 24 hours. After that, my problem becomes Bruno and Rosco's problem and they... become your problem. You got a problem with that? I ain't got no problem with that. I got it all under control, I swear. I don't want a smudge on it. Not a smudge. OK, Mr W. Get him outta here. (SCREAMS) C'mon! (HUMS) (TV BLARES) Ain't nothing better than the evening news and my favourite, milk and cookies. Damn, I forgot my milk! Jeez, man, you can't be poppin' up like that! I thought you were Chucky. I was about to put you in a chokehold. What are you lookin' at? Oh, honey, look how comfortable he is with us! He is so cute! Oh, no, you don't! No, you don't! No, no, no, no, no! Dad! Let him sit there! Let him have a cookie! This is my throne, my sanctuary! This is my air, my end zone! It's just a cookie! Oh, it starts with the cookie. Uh-huh. Then they want to come to dinner. Then they want to move in. Next thing you know, they're married to your daughter! Why he gotta bring it back here like...? I've already made that mistake. C'mon! No more, my brother. Nobody makes a fool outta me. I'm from Detroit! (DOORBELL CHIMES) Oh, everybody's here! Oh, I can't wait for everybody to meet little Calvin! I'm so excited! Yeah. Introduce him to everybody else and go over to somebody else's house. Cookie got a little bite to it. Hi! Come in, come in, come in! Hello. Hello. I'm so excited! Mwah! Hey! Hello! Consuela, welcome! So, where's the little one? (GIGGLES) (BOTH) He-e-e-e-ere's Calvin! Oh! What a mess! Honey, that's not nice. (GIRL) He's scary. Er,... well, I mean... I mean... lucky he's not yours, right? (LAUGHS) Yeah. I just think he is precious, a precious gift from God. You know, God gives gifts and sometimes he wraps them in a hurry. Isn't he a precious gift? Oh, yeah. He's adorable, in a National Geographic sorta way. What is he, a pygmy? Er,... Consuela, why don't you take the kids to go play? Tommy, show Nicholas that scissor- lock thing we've been working on. (LAUGHS) Er, hey, little man, no hard feelings, right? Gimme five. (GROWLS) Ouch! Calvin, we brought you some stuff. We got a box full of bottles, bibs, and all of the Dinosaurus Rex tapes you could possibly want. Thank you. That's a lot of stuff. He is so cute! I got your nose! Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Oh, you got my nose. You've got my nose, yes, you do. (CRUNCH) (SCREAMS) He's got my nose! He's got my nose! He's hurting! He's hurting me! (SCREAMS) Why are you hurting me? Wow, is he strong! Ow! I still can't feel my hand! OK, Darryl, take the crib upstairs. Yes. Ladies, help me with this stuff. OK. Guys, help me. Let's go into the kitchen. C'mon, baby. C'mon, little pumpkin butt. Janet, this fits perfectly. Thank you. Let me see. I'm glad I kept it. Can't remember the last time I could wear horizontal stripes. Here I go again. And how about you? Congratulations on the promotion. Thank you. Was Darryl so excited or what? No, actually, he was disappointed. Baby up, up. Ohh! He thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant. (LAUGHS) OK. Right. Little Miss Corporate Climber over here, pregnant? What? You guys! I wanna have a baby. At some point. Maybe you can schedule one between a conference call and a client meeting. (LAUGHS) You know, Darryl is the one that I'm really worried about. You're lucky he wants one at all. I had to promise Greg I'd give him these. (LAUGHS) OK, now. OK. Easy, fella. Ooh! This one's real grabby. Aw, he must have been breast-fed. Is the baby hungry? Aw, he should be nursed! Baby like nursey-nursey. Are you sure you should do that? You don't have to be the birth mother. Nerp-nerp? Nursey-nursey. Aww! You want to nursey. (DEEP) Hm-hmm (CHILDLIKE) Hm-hmm. OK. (GASPS) Alright! (WAILS) Drink up, precious. Oh, this one's real wriggly, huh? (LAUGHS) Come on. Suck it! Latch! (CRUNCH!) Ow! Oh! Oh! That is not OK! (SPITS) Alright, let's get these kids home. It's Mommy and Me in the morning. Oh, have fun! Don't worry about the nose. He's adorable. Thanks for all the stuff. Call if you need anything. Bye. Good night. If you change your mind about Consuela, take her for the weekend. I like all the chores. One for you. And... And one for the baby. (GASPS) (SHRIEKS) (GASPS) Wow! (LAUGHS) He's a little charmer, isn't he? (Call me.) I could have sworn he just stuck his tongue in my mouth. Hmm. Well, that... That went well. I thought they thought he was... Great. ..cute. You're wonder... Oh, Calvin, you did so good! If she touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, let us know. Yeah! You're the charmer! Does that warm water feel good? Does it feel nice? Hm-hmm. Look at you. Do you want some company in there with you? I think we can work that out. Yeah? Uh-huh. Hey, Darryl! Hello! It's bath time! C'mon, let's get clean! We're gonna clean that little butt-butt. Mm-mm. Yes, we are. We're gonna play snatch the marbles and fart in the tub and make our own little Jacuzzi bubbles! (FARTS) (LAUGHS) Yay! (DARRYL FARTS) Oh, the little baby! Yes, you're so clean now! You're so nice and clean! (GIGGLES) Hey! OK. Calvin! OK. Hey, Calvin. Mwah! OK. Hey, Darryl! Alright, baby. Hello, little boy! Hi, cutie! Now it's time to get you all dressed for bed, huh? The doctor said we need to take his temperature. OK. Alright. Open up wide! Aah! What are you doing? I'm taking his temperature. Sweetie, he's a baby, so that's a rectal thermometer. Ow! Yeah. Go ahead. I'm sorry. It's OK. Alright, here we go. There we go. Oh! Oh! Oh, shit! Darryl, what are you doing? Darryl! I'm just trying to. Honey... It's OK, Calvin. It's OK. If he could just roll over and I could just get him down... (SCREAMS) Calvin, it's OK. It's OK, baby. It's OK. Nobody likes this, I know. Nobody likes this but it's OK. It's OK. There we go. Here comes the choo-choo train! Chugga-chugga! Choo-choo! (SQUELCH!) (SCREAMS) It's in the tunnel, son. (GROANS) It's almost at your stop. Shh! There we go, little man. Now this is gonna put you to sleep. (MOBILE TINKLES A LULLABY) Alright, little buddy. (GIGGLES) Good night, baby. Huh! Like this thing's gonna put somebody to sleep! (CHUCKLES) I'm gonna wait for you to go to sleep. I'm gonna get my diamond and be out. (CHUCKLES) (YAWNS) (SNORES) (CONTINUES TO SNORE) (SNORTS) Oh, baby! Be in here. C'mon. Ooh! C'mon. C'mon. Where you at? Where you at? Where you at? There we go. (GASPS) Hi, beautiful. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) Yes! (HUMS) (THUD!) Man, this idiot better pick up the phone. (PHONE RINGS) People callin' here all kinda time. Like people don't live here. You can't be callin' nobody's house... P-Unit Productions in association with Go Get a Girl Entertainment. Hey, yo, Percy. It's me. Cal! What's goin' on? I need you to come pick me up. Now, look, I got the diam... A-ha! Reach for the sky! Who you talkin' to, sonny boy? Googoo, gaga, gaga. Ga, la, la, la. Don't give me that old googoo-gaga-gaga crap. Hand me that damn phone! Who is this? Me no speaka no English. Wrong number. Sorry. Who the hell is no speaka the English? Say somethin'! Pop, what are you doin'? I heard some noises. I caught this hoodlum on the phone! Must have been lookin' for the safe! We don't have a safe! Well, he didn't know that! Dada! (SIGHS) Man, he's a baby! It's his first night in a new house! He probably couldn't get no sleep! Look at you! You look crazy, man, holdin' a shotgun wearin' red socks! You look like Fred Sanford on crack! Put that away, man! Go to bed. Oh, you are good! You are real good! I'm gonna keep my eye on you! Oh! You're gonna give me the finger? Where did you learn that, huh? BET? Videos After Dark? Him scary. There we go. Don't pay him any mind. He just an old, crazy man. I know what to fix you so you can have a good sleep. (SIGHS) There you go. Boy, you must've had a rough first night. That's cos I'm kinda new at this dad stuff. Just give me a minute, I'll get it together. Man, I can't imagine what kind of life you must've had. I'll tell you this. This weekend is gonna be the best weekend of your life. You know why? Cos I'm gonna show you how great it is to have a dad and you're gonna show me how great it is to be a dad. Vanessa don't think I can do it, but I know I got it in me. You know why? Cos I would never abandon my child. Ever. I'll always be there for him. And there will never be a time when my son can't come to me and talk to me about anything over a nice, warm... cup of milk. Ahh! Mmm! (CHUCKLES) What's so funny? What are you all giggly for? You're drinking Janet's breast milk. (BOTH) Ugh! Baby, you did the right thing, letting him stay with us this weekend. Thank you. But, you know,... I still can't wait for us to have one of our own. (LAUGHS) Yes, I know. Alright. Wanna know the nice thing about you not being pregnant? What? We get to keep trying! (LAUGHS) But,... honey... Hmm? What about the baby? He's asleep. Don't worry about him. Er, but, honey,... he's watching. (GIGGLES) He's too young to know what's goin' on. Forget him. Honey, but... OK. OK. Mmm! (GROANS / YAWNS) Good morning! (LAUGHS) More like great morning. (LAUGHS) Looks like someone had a really good night's sleep last night. Who could sleep? You were an animal last night! Ah, well, you know... I don't remember the last time we did it twice in one night. Twice?! Hey, when did he get into bed? Oh, I don't know. I don't know how he gets outta that crib. He's a crafty little fella. (SEDUCTIVELY) Want some breakfast? (SLEEPILY) Yes. Twice?! (SNARLS) # Won't you be my friend? I need a buddy # You can play my video games, buddy # Will you stay my friend?... (SCATS) How's my baby girl this morning? So good, Dad. How are you? Mighty fine, thank you. No, no, no, no. (HEAVES A SIGH OF RELIEF) "Chicago Police have a suspect in yesterday's daring diamond heist." "It is Calvin Babyface Sims..." D Rex! D Rex! D Rex! Oh, stop all that D Rex! D Rex! D Rex! D Rex! D Rex! Just be quiet. (SCREAMS) D Rex! Dad, let Calvin watch his show. You have to be the adult. Let Calvin watch his tape. But I wanna watch the news! I don't care, Daddy. He was watching the TV first. Then, I'll read the news. I'll tell you, the world is goin' to hell in a handcart. (GASPS) Wow, Dad, you really cleaned your plate! What?! That hobgoblin ate my breakfast! (HICCUPS) Oh, Daddy, don't be ridiculous! I ain't bein' ridiculous! That little sucker ate my breakfast! I'm going to the diner where I can eat and watch the news in peace! OK, Dad. Be careful. Why don't we get you some food? You must be so hungry. It's time for you to eat something. Morning, sweetie. Oh, good morning, baby! Hello. I have your breakfast right here. Oh, goody! Oh, sweetie, OK, now your dad is really tripping. Last night I caught him holding little Calvin at gunpoint because he'd heard him talkin' on the phone. That's crazy! Well, you know, just now... he ate all of his breakfast and then he told me that the baby ate it. Can you say "Whispering Glen"? No! No nursing homes, OK? I don't wanna have this conversation again! I have to go to work. The baby's food is here and I love you. I love you, too. Have a good day. Alright. Mwah! Feed him. Alright. OK, OK, let's get you all fed. Alright, open up wide! Here come the airplane! Brrrr! Brrrr! Brrrr! Oh, I see! You wanna play a game of peekaboo, huh? OK, OK, OK! Peekaboo! I see you! (GIGGLES) Peekaboo! I see you! (CLANG!) You gotta be kiddin' me! God! (GRUNTS) Darryl? Where did I put it? Oh! Honey, I forgot my purse! Darryl. Darryl! Sweetheart! Huh? You can't just fall asleep! Oh, honey, I know that you're tired but you have to watch the baby. If you take your eyes off him, God knows what could happen. I was, erm... (SIGHS) Darryl! I was... What...? I don't... Honey, just take him to the park or something, OK? OK. Er... What, erm...? (GROANS) Peekaboo. What...? We're gonna play baseball, football and we're gonna play golf. And we're gonna shoot a plane. We're gonna have fun. There we go. Alright, son, now don't be afraid to really swing that bat, OK? The trick is to really keep your eye on the ball, OK? Here we go! (THUD!) (SCREAMS) Yeah, you want that sucker to really fly. You wanna give that thing a lotta air. Give it some good pump. You want it to really fly. You want it to blast off! There you go! No, no, no. No, you wanna point that up. No, no, son. No, no, no! Don't push that button! (THUD!) (SCREAMS) OK, what you wanna do is, you wanna wind that baby up and you wanna throw it as hard as you can, OK? Alright, c'mon. Ooh! (LAUGHS) Look at that! Yeah! Yeah! Look at that sucker! Where'd it go? (THUD!) Oh! (LAUGHS) The ducks teach you playfulness. You can borrow this if you want. You'd love it. Hey! Dad for a weekend! How's it going? I think they design all the toys to hit you in the nuts. Yeah. (LAUGHS) Ow! Get off! I bet my son could kick the crap out of both your kids, blindfolded, one hand tied behind his back. C'mon, Greg, Nicholas is a sweet, sensitive kid. He's not a fighter. Darryl, you gotta be tough on kids nowadays. The slightest bit of weakness and they could end up... ..like that. I don't know about all that but, I gotta be honest, I'm startin' to dig this father thing. It's kinda like I get to do all the things that I never did with my dad. You know? That's real cute. Really, I think I'm having a positive influence on him. Boom! (LAUGHS) C-Lo! That's right! Dig up in your OshKosh and your Baby Gap and pay the man! (LAUGHS) Put your money in the pot. Hey, whine to your momma, don't whine to me. Good game. Good game. Come here, you guys. Come here. Y'all bring your money tomorrow, I'm gonna sell y'all some pictures of some naked girls. (ALL) Eww! What did I say? Y'all like big breasts, huh? Daddy, can I have some ice cream? What flavour? Vanilla. You got it. I think we'll go with you. OK. Ooh, you're getting big! Hey, Janet, watch Calvin for me! No problem. Coo-coo! Calvin! Percy! Cal, you get the diamond? Yeah, it's in the diaper bag. Cal, which one is it? The one with the duck on it. They all got ducks on it! I think it's that one. (GROANS) (SIGHS) That guy's not here with a child. Hey! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Hey, get away from him! Girls, let's get him! I'm out. (WOMEN SHOUT) Pumpkin, are you OK? Did he touch you anywhere? No. No? OK. Good. Is everything OK? No, it's not OK! Some sick pervert just tried to run away with this guy! That psycho took my diaper bag! What?! Damn! (WOMEN SHOUT) Pervert! (PERCY SCREAMS) OK, we're gonna get you home where it's nice and safe, alright? Keys! Keys! I want keys! Huh? Keys! Keys! I want keys! Keys! Keys! Keys! Keys! No, no, no, no, Daddy needs these to... Oh! Oh, God! Keys! Gimme the keys! No. Here. Here, take that. No! I want keys! No, no, no, no, no, I need these. I want keys! Want keys. OK, here. Keys. Alright. Alright. Alright, you wait right there and I'll be right back, OK? Keys. (TYRES SCREECH) Hey! My car! My kid! Hey! STOP! (TYRES SCREECH) Someone just stole my car! Hop in! Thank you. Let's go get that son of a bitch! (TYRES SCREECH) Damn! (SIREN WAILS) Man, my wife is gonna kill me when she finds out. Don't tell her a word. I left Bobby Junior at an amusement park one day, told his father he was at camp. Bought me a week. Yeah! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? I'm on my way. I'll be five minutes. I have the cupcakes. Yes. No, I didn't pick up juice. You didn't tell me. Don't talk to me that way. Er, excuse me. I'm hanging up. Oh, my God! I'm hanging up! (SCREAMS) (TYRES SCREECH / HORNS BLARE) Watch the road, moron! Whoo! C'mon, baby, let's go! Let's do this! (ENGINE ROARS) Oh! Ohh! Oh! Oh, wow, you are really upset! It makes me feel so good to know that there are people out there < Mommy! who care as much about the safety of their kids ` what?! ` as I do. Mommy! Mommy! Just one second, honey. I'm fixing my make-up! Oh, Mom! Mom! What?! I think Dillon did a doodie! Hurry up, change it! No, wait! No! Wait! We're gonna... Excuse me, a truck. (HORN BLARES) Excuse me. A truck. Can you hand me the powder, please? What? No! Stop! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, we're gonna die! (HORN BLARES) (SCREAMS) Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, God! Don't worry. You'll get your little boy back. (SOBS) Let me out! Oh, no! (SHOUTING) Suspect got away! Damn it! (CALVIN BAWLS) But the kid's OK! I want my daddy! I want my daddy. I want my daddy. Thanks for everything. Oh, by the way, I run a carpool if the little one ever needs a ride to preschool! Daddy! That's my kid! Daddy! Are you OK? Huh? Daddy. He's OK but the car's totalled. Screw the car! As long as he's OK. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry, little buddy. I would never want anything to happen to you. I love you, man. (LAUGHS) Mr W. Yeah? Your boy came through. I've got it. Bring it to me. Watch my drink, baby. Hm-hmm. Keep lookin'. Keep diggin' in there. It's in there. It's in there, baby. (SQUEAKS) Look around in there. Mr Dub, could you dig deeper in there? (SNIFFS) Damn! Is that a dirty diaper? Huh? Did I just touch a dirty diaper? Wait a minute. (SNIFFS) Whoa, that baby had lasagne last night! I know it's in here! The diamond's in here! Your 24 hours are up, Percy. (MOANS) And you haven't delivered my diamond. Do you know how that makes me feel? Huh? Give me a little bit more time. I promise you, I'll get the rock. It makes me feel like wanting to hurt you badly. (MOANS) But I won't, because that diamond means more to me than your life. Now, you get outta here and find me that diamond. Get outta here. I promise you, OK? I got you. Follow him and find his partner. Get me my diamond, then stick 'em both in the ground. Aren't you taking this a bit far? I didn't even know they made a LoJack for kids. No, I'm telling you, I'm not taking any chances. This guy's tricky. Maybe I should just skip the game. Are you crazy? It's against Detroit! Why don't we just pack up the ugly son of a bitch and take him with us? (SNARLS) You think that's the best idea? Yes, I do think it's the best idea. It's never too early to become a Chicago fan. You know what? I'm in. Yeah! C'mon, let's go. OK, but when the ladies ask, I was the one that said no. No. (CHEERING) Ready to see how exciting a hockey game is? It's like boxing on ice. Five rows up behind the penalty box. Who the man? You, boy! That's right! Let's go! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! What are you watchin'? Did you see that play? Hey, what you got in your mouth, little fella? What you got? Open up. (GULPS) Open. Let me see. Aah! Oh, OK, it was nothin'. Come on! (CHOKES) (WHOOP) See that! Here we go! (CHEERING) (BURPS) Alright, who needs drinks? Er, I'm good. Oh, wait! (HUMS INNOCENTLY) Yeah, I guess, er, I need another one. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. You guys, anything to drink? Yeah, I'll grab a beer. Me, too. Me, too. Get me one. There you go. Thank you. OK. There you go. Nice ass! (SLAP!) (CRIES OUT) Pig! Tramp. (HICCUPS) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! What the hell... was that for? What did I do? You know her? No, I don't know her! (LAUGHS) I don't know her! Hey, man! Hey! Get your own! What? Beer! It's empty! So get another one! (ALL SHOUT) C'mon, man! C'mon, Miller! (REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE) (BOO) You suck! You suck, man! You suck! Shut it, you losers! You wanna deal with me? C'mon down here! You're a bully, man! Yeah, I thought so, you princess! C'mon! Pick on somebody your own size! C'mon down here, then! Who did that? You... You're dead! I...! (ROARS) He's gonna kill me! Get out of my way! It was the baby! You're mine! Hockey fight! He's got my ear! Get this baby off of me! (GROANS) Is that all you got? I don't know, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not ready to be a dad yet. It really wasn't your fault. (SIGHS) It just happened so fast. I took my eyes off him for one second and, boom, he would have never had another birthday again! Hey, why don't we do that? Why don't we throw him a birthday party? But we don't know when his birthday is. So what? We'll celebrate tomorrow. We'll throw a big bash. It'll be the biggest party he ever had! That is a really good idea. And... I got a little surprise for him. Does everyone know what time it is? It's time to dance and sing and have lots and lots of fun! Hey, there, boys and girls, it's Dinosaur Rex, your favourite prehistoric pal! Now, where's the birthday boy? (ALL) Here! Happy birthday! # Happy, happy birthday, little buddy # I got a nasty hangover and a rock stuck in my gut that got my colon backed up like rush-hour traffic. Either you're gonna stop with your songs or I'm gonna kick you right in your furry balls. Alright? Well, maybe we should talk about manners. Now, manners are very important. When I was a tiny lizard, my mom told me that if I had good manners, one day I could grow up to be president of the United States! But instead you entertain snotty-nosed kids in a crusty blue dinosaur suit that smells like sweaty armpits and baby urine! Far cry from president, buddy. I just got out of rehab. Because of the new deadbeat-dad law, my wife's garnishing 85% of my dinosaur wages, so if I weren't afraid to lose this job, I'd kick your ass. Oh, you so pathetic, you need $4.50 an hour that bad? C'mon, get your ass kicked! (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Bring it on. C'mon. C'mon, then! Hey! Oh, you mine now! You mine! (CHANT) Get him! Get him! (CRUNCH!) (YELLS) You little bastard! (THUMPING) That was a cheap shot! You stink! I hate your show! "The driver of the stolen vehicle matches the description of the suspect in Friday's diamond heist." I knew it! "..for Calvin Babyface Sims. Sims was released from prison..." What do you say we have a little father-son football game, huh? Football? I don't know. I don't think that's such a good idea. Nicholas is a little young and small for football. How about Simon Says? Your son practically squats to pee. (LAUGHS) We're gonna scar these kids. We gotta toughen them up. I don't... C'mon. Darryl, are you in or does Calvin have ballet class? I'm down. Alright. Alright. Alright, let's do it. (BOTH ROAR) Football? That's not in the books. I've read all the books. Yeah. You're wetting yourself. Go play football. You sure? Rich, let's go! It's 7-0 already! Alright, I'm playing football. Take off the... Oh, my God! # Whoa! Here we go! # P-U-T I-T I-N # Put it in # P-U-T I-T I-N Put it in! Whoo! # You and me! This is father-son stuff right here, huh? Here we go! Ready! Set! I love you, baby! Hike! One Victoria's Secret! Oof! Oh, God! (ROARS) You want the hospital or the graveyard, punk? Here we go! Are you OK? I thought this was a touch game. What is he doing? Sorry, D, did I hurt your vagina? # Our team is what? Dynamite! # Our team is what? Dynamite! Our team is... # Tick, tick, tick, tick! Boom! Dynamite! # Ready! (ROARS) Run, Dad! (ROARS) (SCREAMS) Run! Nicholas, are you OK? Game on! Just stay down, son. You did it! Now, that's why we put creatine in our corn flakes! You OK? # Punch him! Kick him! # Stick him in the eye! Whoo! # Here we go! Here we go! Alright, here we go! C'mon, boys! Argh! Yeah! Your husband is a brute! Yo, Greg, man! You should be ashamed of yourself! What are you doin'? He's a kid! Hey, Darryl, Darryl. Shut your pie hole, man! It's football! I know! It's football! Stop acting like a bitch! Why are you startin'? Ugh! Man, c'mon! You guys suck! It's time to kick some butt. C'mon! Ready! (GROWLS) Set! Hike! I got him! Nicholas, block left! C'mon! (BOTH ROAR) Tommy! How do you like them apples? Get him! Yeah! C'mon! Yeah! Yes! Tommy, what's goin' on? You call that a tackle? You gotta stay in the zone! You gotta eat some lightning and crap thunder! Wanna get up? C'mon. C'mon. C'mon. (CRIES OUT) Ow! Ow! C'mon, man. Shut up! It's my son! Alright, it's do-or-die time. Last point wins. Nicholas, you ready? Purple Haze! Purple Haze, 15! Ready! Set! Hike! Go, Nicholas. Go, Nicholas. C'mon! (ROARS) Bring it on! Go! Go! Oh, my goodness! C'mon, get up! Go, Nicholas! Go, Nicholas! Come on! Tommy, hurry! # This team is dynamite! # We're d-d-dynamite! # (LAUGHS) That is my boy! That is my boy! You did it, son! You crapped thunder! Nine months inside! Yes! Dad! Dad! (GROANS) Yes, son? You suck! (THUD!) Ow! Ow! Son, Dad hurt his pee-pee. Get up, you pussy. I can't. Alright, everybody, here she comes! Everybody, on three! (ALL) One! Two! Three! (ALL) # Happy birthday to you # 'They're tryin' to punk me.' 'All these people are tryin' to make a fool outta me, tryin' to make me cry. I didn't cry when I went to prison, and I ain't gonna cry now!' 'I don't care if I never had a mother who threw me a party.' 'Today is my birthday.' I'm gonna smile, damn it! (SOBS) 'I wish I had a family.' Well done, baby! What is this, Dad? I got a gift for the kid. I've been tough on him. Ain't easy, I was the the centre of attention and a kid walk in the house, the baby. I want you to know, from now on, I'm here to help. Er, Calvin, make a wish and I hope all of your wishes come true. (HUMS "Happy Birthday") (DOORBELL CHIMES) Oh, great, you're here! Erm, the bouncy's in the back. Just go on round the side. No, I'm here to get my son. Little dude? Little man? Son? That's right. I didn't think I could do it but I got myself together. So if you just give me the boy, we're gonna slide outta here. So you're the guy who left his baby on my doorstep in a dog basket? Right, but that was a mistake. The guy who gave his kid a tattoo? I can explain! His mother was in the service. Who allowed his baby to take a knife in the gut? The boy needed discipline! You should be castrated! Ain't nothin' wrong with my bowel movement! I go three times a day! I ain't got to explain nothin' to you. You just caught yourself the official Brooklyn beat-down! You just entered the dragon, homeboy! Word up! I'm gonna tap you right on your flintstone! Here it come, homeboy! (CHIRPING) Lose my jones. (BLOWS) Get the hell outta here and don't come back! (WHIMPERS) I want my mother. Looks like Percy's partner decided to keep the rock for himself. Better go tell Mr Walken. Yeah. Three! Three! Yo, what There you go. Good. C'mon. I don't know how you do it. What's that, sweetie? All of this. The parenting, the responsibility. It's really no different than any other career. You have scheduling, you have planning, budgeting, of course. I guess the big difference is that my boss I want to slather in kisses all day long. And I can, without being sued for sexual harassment. And you don't miss the job at all? You know, sometimes I think I miss it, but then I remember all they liked about me was the money that I made for them. You know? I mean, this,... this is real. These guys dig me. I am... a diva, a giant, a goddess. I'm perfect. Aren't I perfect? (GIGGLES) Mommy, I don't feel good. What's the matter? Tummy ache? Yeah? You think maybe it's from eating 16 pieces of cake and beef jerky and a balloon? Yeah. Is he gonna be OK? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little teaspoon of this, it is magic, and he will poop very shortly. It'll slide right out. Good boy. Maybe you should take him home. Maybe we shall. You wanna go home? And you, too. Yeah? OK. What do you feed this kid? What do I feed you? Alright. I'll see you soon? OK. I'll see you later. C'mon, hon. Such a good boy, helping your mom. Ugh! Ugh! (STOMACH GURGLES) (GROANS) Oh, sweetie! What...? Oh! Oh, honey, what's wrong? Sweetie? (GROANS) What's the matter? I don't think he's well. Are you OK? (CRIES) You gotta make a poo-poos? (GROANS) You gotta make a poo-poo. He gotta make a little poo-poo, yeah. (STOMACH GURGLES) (GROANS) What's goin' on, man? Huh? (STOMACH GROWLS) (SQUEALS) (STOMACH ROARS) (LOUD FARTS) Oh! Aah! (SQUELCHING) Ain't that cute? He made a little surprise! For Mommy! Mom?! For me? Darryl, why me? I did it last time! Wash your hands before you make dinner. C'mon, Calvin. C'mon. (GROANS) (SIGHS) Ooh! Oh, man, what a day! I can't believe you did this! Did what? This! Darryl, it's so beautiful! And it was so romantic the way you put it in his diaper and made me change his diaper. But, honey... We should go out and celebrate. I'm gonna go get changed. Thank you. I love it, I love it, I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it! I gotta talk to you! Come here! Damn! Daddy, are you guys gonna be OK? We'll be fine. Won't we, little boy? I love Papa. Bye. OK. Y'all have a good time, now. I know we will. (BLOWS KISSES) Bye-bye. Won't we? We're gonna have a good time, baby. He's a nice little boy, too. Yes, indeedy! He's a cute little boy, too. Look at the little baby! One! Two! Three! (SCREAMS) (THUD!) You come clean, you little punk! Who are you? Where you from? (SCREAMS) Look here, old man, you've been a real pain in my butt. You're right, I did rob that jewellery store and now, there's some real bad people after me. And the people you love are gonna get hurt if I don't get that diamond back and I don't want that to happen, so just stay... outta... my... way! Hey, yo, Percy, it's me. Be here in an hour. I'll have the diamond then. How can you do this to us? We thought you were a child in need and you turn out to be a thief! I didn't mean for it to go this far! I'll get my diamond and be out. You ain't gettin' away with it! Then, it's time to dance. C'mon! Erm, baby, I... Sweetheart, this means so much to me. And I know it's not real, there's no way you could afford that, but it's what the ring symbolises that makes it so special to me. Yeah, about that, I... No, please, let me finish. I know that you are not the one who isn't ready, it's me. I have always needed for everything to fit my schedule and you have shown me that sometimes life just doesn't work that way. It's unpredictable and sometimes you just have to go with the flow. I'll never be ready until it happens. Vanessa. So I think we should just do it. Do what? Let's adopt him. Tomorrow let's take him to Child Services and start the paperwork. You mean we can keep him? Yeah! Yes! (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) So, what did you wanna tell me? Nothin'. Nothin' at all. Let's toast. OK. You don't mess with a man from Detroit! (GASPS) What the hell are you doin'?! Get off of the baby! Stop it! That's a criminal! I have had it with you! I'm calling Whispering Glen! Vanessa, I ain't crazy! I know what is and I know what ain't is and he ain't is what he say he is! You see, is is and ain't ain't! Check the teddy bear! The teddy bear! The teddy bear knows! Please! We'll take good care of your father. Whispering Glen is a safe facility. Give him a couple of days to adjust and then come visit. Darryl! Vanessa! Believe me! Is is, ain't ain't! Use the Taser if you have to! Check the teddy bear! (ZAPPING) (POPS SCREAMS) I'm gonna go put him to bed. (SIGHS) Man, how does one child turn a household upside down in a weekend? Look at this place, it's a mess. (POPS) 'Check the teddy bear! The teddy bear knows!' Grandpa bad. No. No, baby. No, no, no, Papa's not bad. He didn't mean to hurt you, he just... He's a little... Yeah. (SOBS) Look, old man, you've been a real pain in the butt. You're right, I did rob that jewellery store. Now there's a lotta bad people after me and the people you love are gonna get hurt if I don't get that diamond. Vanessa! Vanessa! Where's Calvin? I put him in the... (GASPS) Where's the diamond? It's... Gone! Damn! Pops was right! I'm callin' the police! I'm gonna get my dad! Dad! I have some information on a stolen diamond. That's what I'm talkin' about. We did it! We rich, baby! (LAUGHS) Yes! Just in the nick of time! We blingin'. Walken is goin' to that house. What? He think Darryl's my partner. Walken will kill him if he don't have his diamond! Exactly, which means he won't be coming after you. It's perfect! We get away scot-free! This is the time you hit me, right? Lemme pull over. (THUMP!) (SCREAMS) He won't stop beatin' me like I'm an R&B singer, man! (BANGING ON DOOR) The police is here. Hey. Hey. Can I help you? This the guy that double-crossed Percy? Yeah. I don't know anybody named Percy! You must've got the wrong guy! Cut the crap! I want my diamond! I don't have it! I guess we're gonna have to beat it outta ya. I just called the police and they're on their way over! Really? That doesn't leave us much time, then. Take him. Wait, wait! Guys! Wait! Dada? Dada. Who's this little guy? That's my son. Take him upstairs. I wanna talk to you. Cute kid. Ow! I don't have...! Listen...! Ow, that's my nipple! Ow! Time to take a nap. Night-night? And don't worry about any loud noises you may hear. It's just us beating up your daddy. Here you are. Hm-hmm. Nighty-night! (SNORES) (SNORES) Click. (SCREAMS) (GROANS / COUGHS) Now, tell me, where's my diamond? I don't have it! If you don't tell me where my diamond is, that cute little baby is gonna get hurt. (SCREAMS) Moron! Get the kid! Get the kid! (GROANS) I want him! There you are, little buddy. C'mon. Come to Uncle Rosco. Nah-nah. (GROWLS) OK, play nicey-nicey. (SHRIEKS) (SCREAMS) (DOORKNOB RATTLES) Get your ass up! Yeah! Yeah, get up! I got you now! Yeah! Yeah! You ain't so tough now, are you? Huh? Back up or I'll shoot you! Shoot me, tough guy. C'mon. Oh, boy! I'm surrounded by morons. Y-Y-You dropped your gun, sir. Here you go. It's all yours. What are you gonna do, huh? Wait! C'mon, get outta here. C'mon. Alright, dude, you busted my Sergio da Vincis, $62.50 designer frames! Not cool! Not cool! OK, buddy, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way. I think I'd like it the hard way. Did we get him? He's yours, man. Dude,... ..you just woke the dragon up. Prepare for pain! It's time for the dragon to go back to sleep! (ROARS) What are you doing? (CREAKING) Stop. You're goin' down, Sasquatch! You better not! (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (CLANG / THUD) What the hell is goin' on here? That ain't no baby. Who else is here? Nobody! Who's here? Nobody, I swear! Inside. Inside! Whoa! There's the little monster. What has he got there? An airplane. Tell him to get rid of the plane. Get rid of it! Calvin, throw the plane. What are you doin'? (GROANS) Don't move! (CHUCKLES) Save it, tough guy. You're not gonna shoot me. (GUN CLICKS) But I will. Freeze, police! Freeze, police! I got this! Check the house! Black cops, come with me! White lady, you stay here! That ain't no baby! He's the mastermind behind the whole thing! Get him outta here. He's a stone-cold killer, that kid! Get that thing off me! Relax. Where you're goin', you might wanna keep that on. I don't wanna go to jail. It's too dark! There's no TV! (SIGHS) Hey, where you goin', little guy? (SIGHS) Isn't this your kid? Dada? Yeah, that's my son. Now, Calvin, don't you have something for the nice policeman? No. C'mon. You don't wanna go to prison with the rest of those bad men, do you? There we go. Hey, the diamond! Thanks, kid! Now your dad's gonna get a reward. A reward?! The insurance company offered $100,000 to whoever found it. $100,000? God, that's gonna come in handy! I can get my car fixed, I can get a new wedding ring for my wife, I could take a vacation, buy a TV... Ahem! And if there's any change left over, I'll give a little something to my son. Right, well,... we'll be in touch. So... Oh, c'mon, let's not get all mushy about this! Let's just shake hands and part ways like men. Alright? No hard feelings? Nah, no hard feelings. Alright. Besides, it was kind of cool having a son for a minute. See, there you go with all that sentimental stuff! If that's the game you wanna play, I guess it was cool having you as a (WHEEZES) fa... Oh, boy! What I'm trying to say is, I never really had a (WHEEZES) daddy. I guess what I'm saying is you're gonna make a great father. Alright? There, I said it! Happy? I'm gonna walk out that back door and you ain't gonna see me no more. Ever. But... Oh, it hurts! But... I know, we'll never see each other again. But we... Maybe that's for the best. You'll start a family and you won't need a lowlife criminal like... Calvin Sims around any more. Actually, what I was gonna say is we don't have a back door. OK, well, I'll go out the front. Fine. Well,... I'll be outta your lives for good, never to return again. Cool. So long. Farewell. Oh, God! Aren't you gonna miss me? Just a little bit? See you around, buddy. No? Oh. Take care. Goodbye. # It's so hard # To say goodbye # (SOBS) (BAWLS) Why? Nobody l-l-loves C-C-Calvin because I'm short and they think I'm ugly! Hey, little man! Wanna share a glass of milk? # People, let me tell you about my best friend # Cos he's a warm-hearted person # Who'll love me till the end... # (RECORD SCRATCHES) Hey, enough of all this girlie stuff! This ain't Brokeback Mountain! Hey, how about we put liquor in that milk? Forget that. Let's go to a bar. Alright. You bet. Are you over 21? And then some. Alright. Hey, I know this great strip club. Shh! Not too loud. My wife might get mad! Sorry. You got change of 100? No, we'll steal it from Pops. # People, let me tell you about my best friend # Cos he's a warm-hearted person # Who'll love me till the end # People, let me tell you # About my best friend... Cos he's my one-boy You're a cute little fella. Yes, you are. Take after your momma and got a lotta your grandpop in you, too. Yes, you do, little boy! Look at the little boy. Eee! Where's the bottle? The kid is starving! I'm comin'! Old grouch. Here he come, little boy. Don't worry, we're gonna get your milk. Yeah. Aw, that little guy's so cute! He's makin' me go soft. He look just like his daddy. Gaga, googoo. (POPS) Howdy doo, little boy. # People, let me tell you about my best friend # Cos he's a warm-hearted person # Who'll love me till the end # People, let me tell you about my best friend # Cos he's my one-boy cuddly toy # My up, my down, my pride, my joy # People, let me tell you about him # He's so much fun # Whether we're talking man to man # Or whether we're talking son to son # Cos he's my best friend # He's my best friend # He's my best friend # He's my best friend # He's my best friend # My best friend # He's my best friend # My best friend # He's my best friend # IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015