ITFC Subtitles Michael Loftus, Zoe Fairbairns. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Captioning NZ 2001. For hundreds of years in Japan, there has lived a clan dedicated to a secret art of self-defence and survival. The art is so lethal, it has made the clan invincible. To this day we are known as... Ninjas!' 25 years ago, an ancient legend of this secret art came alive! It spoke of a foreign child who would come among us and become a Nina master like no other. How he arrived on our shores will forever remain a mystery. We Ninjas thought that this child would be the Great White Ninja of the legend! MARTIAL GRUNTING We were wrong. (BARKS ORDER) We were very wrong. (BARKS ORDER) Haru! Neb! SCREAMS Gobei, I need your honest opinion about something. Yes, Sensei. What do you think of Haru? I love my little brother. His heart is a flower. His determination is a tiger's ` His determination is a tiger's ` Gobei! He's fat, a fool, an embarrassment to all Ninjas. Today I am proud to be your Sensei. This is that special time when I can say to you, 'You are a Ninja!' You can communicate with other Ninjas by projecting yourself onto the Plane of Enlightenment. Remember, on this plane which can be shared by no other mortal, we can always contact each other wherever we may be. As a Ninja, you are one with the universe. Aaaaaagh! Oh! No! All of you who are graduating today will receive the medallion of the Tengu warrior. However, I give the golden medallion to my finest student. Gobei! Gobei! Hai! Forged in the fires of confidence and discipline. Carry it with you... always. Sorry, Haru. Congratulations, big brother. Wait! Sensei, wait for me! Sensei, I am so excited about tonight. I have been waiting for such a long time. Haru... tonight's exercise is for the Ninjas only. But your job is an important one. You are to remain here to guard and protect the village. I shall do as you say. I shall guard and protect the village. And I shall water the plants. (BARKS ORDER) Good luck. Good luck. Stand low, so as not to be detected. Good luck, my brother. # Kung Fu Fighting Intro MUSIC STOPS MARTIAL DRUMS Do not try it! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ssssshoo! Dah! Are you communicating with me? Are you communicating... with me? Dah! Dah! Dah! Dah! Hello? Hi. Excuse me. Is this the Takogura dojo? Uh... yuh... eh... ayah... I'm sorry. This must be the wrong place. No, no! Please! Do not go! I mean... Yes, this is the Takogura dojo. Oh, thank goodness. Let me take your... shoes. Oh... Thank you. I was told I could find a Ninja here. Really? Uh, please, sit. Wait! Oh! Thank you! Oh! Thank you! WHOOSH! CLUNK! > So, are you a Ninja? Yes. Yes, I am. But you're white. But you're white. You are observant as well as beautiful. I just didn't expect to find a white Ninja. Do not be fooled by my skin colour. You know the legend of the white child who will become the greatest Ninja master? who will become the greatest Ninja master? No. Is that you? Some say it is so. You see, it is written in this holy writ. The teachings of Jitsu have passed from generation to generation over five centuries. This writ mentions a Great White Ninja? Yes. You see here... 'In the 16th century there came to pass `' Oh! This is the wrong writ. This is about the Sensei and 18-year-old twin geishas ` also a good legend, but not the one we're looking for. Ah! Here is my legend. 'It is foretold that a foreign child will become a Ninja master like no other.' It's burning! It's burning! Yes, the words sear into me, too. No, I mean it's really on fire! No, I mean it's really on fire! Yes, I can tell that ` agh! They may have a second copy. Please... Tell me why you have come to my dojo. I must warn you that what I'm going to ask you to do might be dangerous. Danger is my companion, Miss...? Sally. Sally Jones. I am Haru. Do not worry about Haru. This Ninja knows no fear. I am a trained master in weapons of battle. That rack was not built by Ninjas. This, however... was. Whoa! Luck is with me... for this sacred shrine holds the ashes... of our fallen Ninja warriors. Oh! Sensei is going to kill me! > Toguri. Master Goh. Tem-po. Kai. I think they worked as a team. Tell me why you are in need of a Ninja. Ninjas can get into places without being seen. And what I need requires great stealth. You are in luck. You see, my highest grades were in stealth. Let me give you an example. Close your eyes, turn and count to nine. When you open them I will be gone. OK. One... two... three... One... two... three... # URGENT DRUMMING four... five... six... seven... eight... nine. > Hello? Haru! Here I am! Sally Jones, I will accept your dangerous mission. Oh, that's great. Thank you. My problem is, I'm seeing this man ` Oh, you have a man friend. Oh, you have a man friend. Yes, and I suspect him. He's seeing another woman. He's seeing another woman. I think it's bigger than that. I discovered he has a meeting tomorrow at seven by the harbour. tomorrow at seven by the harbour. Good! You, too, should be a Ninja. I need you to find out what he's up to. His name's Martin Tanley, and he has a limo with this number. 35-102. Where shall I contact you? It's important you don't. I'll contact you before I go back to the US. Whatever you wish. I will follow your boyfriend, Sally Jones, My eyes will be like the tentacles of a squid. Good. I guess. Thank you. Aha! Oop! Aha! Yes! I got you! CLUNK! Agh! Oooergh! Morning, Mr Tanley. Morning, Mr Tanley. Nobu. It's all set. They'll meet us here. Let's have a look at it, then. Oh, yes! > Oh, yes! > < A perfect counterfeit. Yes, one we can duplicate 10 million times. Aha, Martin Tanley! Attack me with your gate, I use the back door! Ha, ha! Oh, yes! They are beautiful! I have some bad news. What? What? The plates are for one side only. Excuse me? The rest are held up in Los Angeles. Why are they held up? Why are they held up? I don't know. Why are they held up? I don't know. You are paid well to know. I arranged to get this set of plates. I've just paid a million dollars for one side of a 10,000-yen bill. Now what good does that do me? No good. Well, here's some advice for your next life. Never take a job you can't finish. GUNSHOT SIRENS Ergh! Agh! Ooergh! Aaaaaagh! Oh! Sensei, I am sorry I posed as a Ninja, but this woman needed my help. It's you who needs help. The police now believe a Ninja did the murder. Believe me, Sensei, I killed no one! I do believe you, Haru. But I am worried. Do not worry about me. It was the woman who was in trouble. Haru, is it not likely she hired you as someone she could blame for the murder? She is incapable of such things. She is as lovely as a dove! It sounds to me you're being led around by your short sword. Gobei called her hotel. There is no one named Sally Jones. A woman such as you described has the name Alison Page. Aha! Perhaps she gave the hotel a false name! Or she gave you the false name. Believe me, she's telling the truth! You are unable to tell truth from untruth. Impossible! My Ninja intuition tells me this. You do not have Ninja intuition. Nor even normal intuition! Everything tells me Sally is in trouble. I must go to the US to protect her! What makes you think you can find her in America?! I have this. My mission is clear. I must go to the Hills of Beverly, find Sally Jones and save her, and prove, once and for all, that I am the Great White Ninja! < I will miss you! Goodbye. Yes. Goodbye. Goodbye. Sayonara. Goodbye. Gobei, I have always looked up to you and you have looked out for me. Now I must look out for myself. Be careful, Haru. The world is a dangerous place. OK. Thank you, big brother. Though I think it is wrong for you to make this journey, I want you to take this. Sensei! Use it for necessities. CAR HORN BEEPS Believe in yourself, my son! I know you will succeed! Thank you, Sensei. There is no better father I may have had. CAR HORN BEEPS Go on. Wait! Wait! Wait up! Goodbye, every... I am surprised, but I'm going to miss him. No, you will not. Because you are going with him. No! Please! Anything but that! Gobei! Goodbye, my family! See you, and don't worry` Ow! Ooh! You will become his shadow. No one can know you are helping him. Especially Haru. Goodbye, everyone! 1 I'll take the bag, sir. BLEEPING Hyah! Heeeyah! Empty your pockets, please. BLEEPING I am sure you would like to know who I am and what I do. But as part of my creed I cannot tell you. You see, my identity must remain a mystery and my mission secret. I cannot reveal it to you. I cannot reveal it to you. Why not? Because I would then have to kill you. Daddy! Daddy, he said he was going to kill me! What did you say to my kid? I was merely relating the importance of ` Agh! That's it! Grab it! What! # THE VAPORS: Turning Japanese # I got your picture # Of me and you... Argh! Eurgh! Ooergh! (GRUNTS SAVAGELY) (SNARLS RABIDLY) # I got your picture, I got your picture. I got a picture of you all to myself... TYRES SKIDDING # I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so. HORN BLASTS # I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so. HORN Thanks, asshole! You are welcome! # I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so. # I think so. # I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so. # I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so. The plates were taken by a gang called ` Who cares what they're called? Get them back! It has to be done delicately. Not like in Japan. In Beverly Hills everyone behaves delicately. Even crooks like me are respected. Ah, my dear! How was your shopping? Do you want some lunch? # I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so # I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so # I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so # Can I take your bag? Can I take your bag? Oh! Thanks, asshole! You're welcome, sir. BIRDS TWITTER # MINUET PLAYS DISCREETLY Ah! You see, Sensei... it is all coming together. 73 minutes to deliver two cases and one bag! Do you have an explanation, Mr Washington? Yes, sir. I seem to be coming down with a mild case of tunnel-carpal syndrome in my wrist. It's from carrying heavy garment bags around. I don't want to go on disability and sue the hotel for millions ` so I thought I'd just pace myself. Mr Washington, everything you do irritates me. I'm gonna go soak my wrist. May I help you, sir? Yes. I am looking for a Sally Jones. I'm sorry. I don't see the name in my computer. Now, if you'll excuse me... I wish to rent one of your lodgings. Is the cost great? I wish to rent one of your lodgings. Is the cost great? Compared to what? A rice paddy hut? Sir, we are a five-star hotel with 800 rooms booked six months in advance. I have money. I have money. I'm sure you do. Sadly, we don't take wampum. Do you perhaps take gold? Front! Perhaps I'll send Dom Perignon to your room. I prefer to be alone. Perhaps later I will meet your friend Don. 1A. 1A. Agh! My wrist! What you got in here, man? Car radios? Here you go, sir. Welcome to the Rodeo Plaza Hotel. What are you ` a spy or something? A spy? A spy is like a gnat... compared to a Ninja. Ninja! You're a Ninja? Get outta here! You're a Ninja? Yes, I am a Ninja. I took a few karate lessons. I'm not as advanced as you. I'm what you might call a tangerine belt ` or orange ` one of them citrus colours. Very admirable! Then perhaps you will know... what these are! Hey-aaaaargh-argh-argh! Man! That was dope! < What are you, a third degree black belt? The blackness of my belt is like the inside of a coffin on a moonless night. That's pretty black, man! That's pretty black, man! It is a black art. And I, Haru, am the blackest of the black. Actually the Great White Black Art... blackest master. Do you know what I do every day once I leave here? No. What? I'm always running in my neighbourhood! I run for cigarettes, milk, to dump the trash ` because whenever I go out, someone's waiting to kick my ass! Just show me a bit of what you know. A kick or a jab! Something! If I do this for you, you must promise me you will not question my authority. No problem! I went to Catholic school! All right, then, Joey, I'll do what I can. Hey-yah! Lesson one: Always be on your guard. Always be on my guard. OK. You're the Ninja. I'm on my guard. Lesson two: Your foe's back can quickly become his front. Lesson 34: The final way to rip a man's head off is by using your bare hands. This takes work and discipline ` years, often decades, to achieve. I suggest you practise on chickens. Chickens? Chickens? Ninja secret. Chickens. Ah, here is what I was looking for, Joey, my young friend. A Beverly Hills disguise! Something simple and natural, yet subtle and cunning. You wait here. I got your back. You look like a pimp. Thank you. As a pimp I'll blend into Beverly Hills like MSG in miso soup. Time for me to find my dove. How do you suppose we do that? How do you suppose we do that? She is rich, beautiful, blonde. How many rich beautiful blondes could there be here? Natural blondes? I'm in. Let's do it. No. We are entering a dangerous phase of our quest. One misstep may put Sally's life at risk. One misstep may put Sally's life at risk. You mean I can't go with you? Sally? Sally? Agh! Get away, you freak! I thought you was my Ninja! I thought we was like this! A Ninja master knows best. Rule one: Don't question my authority. You're right. You got it. You need me, I'll be at the hotel. OK, Joey. Good work today! # BLONDIE: One Way Or Another Sally? Sally? Sally? # One way or another, I'm gonna find you... Sally! Sally Jones! Sally! # I'm gonna git you, git you, git you, git you. One way or another, # I'm gonna see you. I'm gonna meet you, meet you, meet you, meet you. One day, maybe next week, # I'm gonna meet you... Sally! Sally! Sally Jones! Whoa! I mistook you for a friend of mine! You look so much like her! I mean him! Up close, you don't look like either one. They are twins, and they... This is nice. I... Excuse me, I have to be going. Thank you. # One way or another I'm gonna lose you. # I'm gonna give you the slip. # One way or another... # Ooh! Sally Jones! It is I! Haru! Haru! What are you doing here? You needed a Ninja. I come many miles and now pose as a pimp to help you. Go away! Sally! I have come to rescue you. I don't need rescue. Just leave! Ah, I see. Very smart. For now, it is better you play along with them, not let them know I am here. Here. Take this. I am sorry to tell you Mr Tanley is a counterfeiter and a killer. And a man like that is certainly cheating on you too. Do not despair, Sally Jones. I will be vigilant, watching your every move, making sure that ` Do not be afraid, my dove. I will be watching you. Hi. Ah, there you are. Now we will see who is the hunter and who is the prey, Martin Tanley! 1 # ZZ TOP: Gimme All Your Lovin' Martin Tanley, you have left a trail a sloth could follow! Thanks for meeting us, Mr Ozaru. It is in both our interests to resolve our differences. In that, we are in accord. No bullshit. How much for your plates? I think you have it backwards, Mr Tanley. It is us who are going to buy your plates. You really think you can waltz in, grab the plates and run the show? You don't have a choice, Mr Tanley. I will know. I will do. I am one with the universe. Holy Shinto! I am one with the universe... I am one with the universe! I am ` I... I... No! I am not... one... with... the universe! Yeeeeeeoaaaarrrrgh! Let's discuss how much we're gonna give you for your plates. > # RIGHT SAID FRED: I'm Too Sexy (AUDIENCE ROARS) # I'm too sexy for my shirt # Too sexy for my shirt # So sexy, it hurts! # I'm too sexy for Milan # Too sexy for Milan # New York and Japan CHEERING # I'm too sexy for your body # Too sexy for your body # The way I'm disco-dancing! # All right, get out! GUNSHOT Holy Shinto! Help! Police! Aaaagh! No! No! I did not do it! (SCREAMS) They ` They ` (SCREAMS ON) Police! Help! Police! It looks to be gang murder in Little Tokyo. Witnesses say the killer had matching forearm tattoos and may be what is called a Ninja. He matches an Interpol description of a man wanted in Japan for murder. < Look out! Woo! Woo! Woo! CLUCKING CLUCKING Come to Poppa, baby! Keep practising, Joey, and some day you will... choke that chicken. > (MUTTERS) For Pete's sake... sloppy... messing up... getting in the way all the time. Oh, Sensei! 'Meditate on me, Haru.' 'We'll meet on the Plane of Enlightenment.' IMPOSING MUSIC Noooooooo! I am one with the universe! Here, Haru! I am here! Aaaargh! I hate this! Aaaaaaaaaargh! Oof! Thank you, Sensei. Hello, my son. Hello, Sensei. There is a problem you face? Not really. It's just that... I have been accused of another murder... or two. Come home, Haru! I cannot, Sensei. I need your help in finding Sally Jones. I have considered several techniques. I could check the names of all BMW buyers in the last five years, then visit all the Joneses, or ` You could try a phone book. Oh yes! A phone book! Then resume your quest. I will, Sensai. Argh! Aaaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaaaargh! No! GROWLING ROOK CROWS AND DOG BARKS SQUAWKING (CHUCKLES) You thought, perhaps, an experienced Ninja would not be ready for you! GROWLING I am Haru of the Takogura dojo. Do not forget that. I am one with the universe! BARKING DOG SQUEALS (PANTS) I am Haru of the Takogura. Hello, Alison. Did Martin say when he'd be back? No, he didn't. That's strange. We had business to go over. Ah. It appears Sally's using her false name with these people, too. Very clever, Sally. You really should be a Ninja! There is something wrong here. It seems as though I am the only one who is calling her Sally Jones. How could she do this to me?! Argh! Tcha! Ooh! (GROANS) Not again! OK! Up the rope! Argh! Yeeeeergh! Haru? Do not move... Alison. Alison Page! Get out of here! The guards will come up and kill us both! You are a liar, Sally! Sally Jones! I'm sorry I gave you a false name. It was only so Tanley wouldn't discover I hired you. Your lies bounce off me like ping-pong balls! I am not lying to you. In fact, I have you to thank for helping me. You found out what I needed to know. I did? Yes! Look... My sister Carla worked for Tanley. She died mysteriously. I suspected Tanley but could prove nothing till you came. But you are Tanley's girl. You are in love with him. I only went with him to find out what happened to Carla! He doesn't know I'm her sister! I can't tell truth from untruth! CAR DOOR OPENS No time now! If I find the plates, I can put him away. Believe me! I believe you. I have never stopped believing in you! You are not alone! The Great White Ninja is on your case. Thank you, Haru. INDISTINCT CONVERSATION Alison. Hi. What are you doing up here? I thought I'd make lunch for you. Darling, I'm sorry, I'm late for my meeting. Wait! GROWLING SPLAT! Let me take you to the Grill. Your favourite restaurant. I can't. I'm in a bit of a hurry. Hopefully I'll see you later. Why not call one of your friends? Go on. Have a lovely afternoon. Since I can't be with you, take them out to lunch. OK. Have a great meeting. Bye. Bye. CREAKING Haru! Good job! Thank you. I just don't know what to do. I can't find those plates. Do not be disheartened. I know Tanley's next move. I have discovered his schedule in this date book. That's great. ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC SINGING IN JAPANESE # Sukiyaki. # Sukiyaki. # Sukiyaki. (HE GREETS THEM IN JAPANESE) HISSING (GROANS OF PAIN) Hey. OK. Ho! Hey! Oh! Ooh! Hey. Look at this. Rumour is that what happened at the Neon Club could start a war. If they want a war, they can have one. Do not underestimate them. They are ruthless. We're not exactly kittens. This ink specialist tomorrow. Have you met him? No. Chet Walters. He's the best in the business. Good. I want him to print the front half of the bill tomorrow. What do you know about this Ninja the police think killed Ozaru? I think we're lucky the police have another suspect. Whoever heard of a white Ninja? (MUTTERS SCORNFULLY) Tanley is at the first table on the right. OK! Hai! Ho! Hai! Ho! Hai! SCREAMING Haru! Alison? Please! Please, don't! You know how long it took me to do my hair? Hurry, my dove. What the hell is she doing here? We'll get to the plates. That's great. Hurry up. They are coming. Do not be afraid. A Ninja knows when he is in danger. There they are. Shoot them. Now we are in danger. We are really in danger. I'm one with the chicken. I'm one with the chicken. Keep practising, Joey. Where...? Thank you for letting me stay here, Haru. It is my pleasure, Alison. Where else could you go? You must stay here. Tanley will be watching you. Especially your apartment. You need not worry, Alison. I will protect you with all of my being. I'm so lucky I found you. You really are courageous. Oh, Alison. If only I had caught Tanley in Japan, today you would be basking in the safety of our dojo after a bath where I would bring you soap and sweet smelling oils which you could rub all over your body. And then... I am sorry. I got carried away. It's OK. Your loyalty is most appreciated. Well,... I guess it's time to turn in. Do you want the bed or the couch? Which would you prefer? Couch is fine for me. That would be fine for me too. Goodnight. Goodnight. # I think we're alone now. # I think we're alone now... # Do not worry, my dove. He is only an ink specialist. He will suspect nothing. As we said, you will distract him. I will use the Ninja sleep hold to incapacitate him. Are you ready? Yeah. Let's go. Hi. Welcome to Beverly Hills Bank Note. I'm Chet Walters. Nice coat. Who shot the couch? What can I do you for? Our car broke down. May I use your phone? Don't start me on car problems! I got a 1975 Fairmont. It's as hard to turn over as me on Laguna Beach! I'm just bugging with you. Come on over here. Auto Club number is 555 9300. Thank you. Yup. The AAA. You know, I knew a guy who started off in AAA then ended up in AA! He get busted for DUI! Hello. Is this the Auto Club? Buddy. What are you doing? Are you not familiar with the art of shiatsu massage? Watch your language. There's a lady present! When I was playing ball in Wisconsin, two cheerleaders lathered me up like a wet ` That's it. I'm calling the cops. Give me the phone. Not a Ninja technique, but effective. Let's get him in the back. What are you doing? I am preparing a Ninja tool, the laughing mushroom. One pinch, and he will tell us the truth about his business with Tanley. Careful, Alison. The effects are profound. Open his mouth. A-choo! (LAUGHS) I'm involved in counterfeiting some money. Big deal! If I get caught, I could do 30 years. Tanley is a killer. He killed her sister. When he's done, he'll probably kill you. When are you to meet him? 10 minutes. If you're here when he gets here, he'll probably kill all of us! Oh, Haru. I don't think we should. I'm sorry. I was er... I wasn't trying to... I was merely... trying to get close to the temple, not inside. I wasn't... I just wanted to climb the steps, and... maybe peek at the sacred object. 1 Hey, how are you doing? Chet Walters, Mr Tanley. Nice jacket. Who shot the couch? Very funny, Mr Walters. Are you ready to go? You betcha. Your buggy or mine? Mine, I think. OK. Got to get the gear here. Can't start an operation without the gear! And here we are. Off to the wild blue yonder. Mr Walters, you don't mind a small precaution? Mind? Hell, no. I don't mind. But how are you going to drive with it on? It's for you. Right. Of course it is. Hey, let's play Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Hear about the lady that backed into the fan? It dis-assed-her! Mr Walters, I don't care. OK. You bet. Gracias. All righty. Here we go. Tanley, you pick up cash and do this all the time? Who's driving this buggy? Let me guess. Don't tell me. Carol Channing! Can I borrow this next week? I got a blind date! A blind date! Oh, wowser! Which way is she taking us? Through the Grand Canyon? Where did you learn to drive? Cooking school? (LAUGHS) Ah, wow-wow. Thank God we made it. OK. Let's take the blindfold off. That's where she sat. She sat! Don't you think I should do the work before you pay me? This is the real bill. Make a printed proof copy. I want it exactly like this. Right. No problem, Mr Tanley. Hold the phone a second. Oh! Old Faithful! Yeah! The end of the day, huh? Sure you don't want it sooner? They don't call me the best for nothing. I'm standing there in hiking boots and a backpack. You try hitching on Aberg Ave dressed like that in the middle of winter. What happened? A bug must have bit me. I got a brother in pest control. I'll give you his number. He'd nuke every cockroach and mosquito in this dump. Could we please get to work? OK. I see you got a T200 split-level printing press. These came out when I was printing leaflets for Shave the Whale. These came out when I was printing leaflets for Shave the Whale. You mean Save the Whale. Oh, is that what you did with them? Oh, is that what you did with them? Nobu, keep an eye on him. Maybe it was Starve the Whales. Starve the Whales! Okey-dokey. Let's see what we got baking in the oven. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not yet a match. OK. Well, it looks like we are one degree Celsius off on that er... magenta colour. I guess I'll have to quantify the 7F breeding on this, and run it through with the surface gravity viscosity. I can plug it into the Marshall formula. That would give me a more accurate mix design. To me they're a little bit off. What I can do is run a Pap smear... test and then er... tone it down a little bit. Hello, Mr Tanley. Hello, Mr Tanley. What the hell is that? Now you see what I am up against. I gotta rethink my inks. So er... I could swing back to my shop and er... Blindfold me if you like. I'd kinda like that. and er... be gone not more than five minutes. METALLIC CLINK How did that get in there? How did that get in there? Who are you? How did that get in there? Who are you? Chet Walters, ink specialist. I am Haru of the Takogura dojo. And if you value your life, you will... Come on. Let's get him. BANGING ON DOOR Haru, you are truly the Great White Ninja. Did I say Ninja? I meant ninny. Haru. You are such a ninny. Aarrgghh! (GROANS) So what did you do with Walters? So what did you do with Walters? You may subject me to any torture you can think of, but a Ninja does not talk. Ninja? You're a Ninja? You're the fat Ninja everyone is talking about, aren't you? Great White Ninja. I had a call. The meeting with the Kobudosai is fixed. Good. Throw him in the back of the van. Get rid of him later. You'll have to check your guns. The Kobudosai checked theirs. Haru! My dove! Are you all right? Yes. I am fine. Let me get this blindfold off. It is in the spirit of harmony that we meet here today. It is vital to our community an agreement be reached. Stop squirming. I'll undo the ropes. The Ninja way is to visualise the straightness of the rope. It will begin to untie itself. Or a knife is good. We suggest that you allow us to make your plates our plates. Honoured elder? You know I have great respect for you, but I rule in favour of Mr Tanley. You won't get away with this. Yes, I will. I will make these criminals face American justice. Be careful. Where's the Ninja gone? I don't know. Never mind. Come on. Let's go. That's right. The Little Tokyo Temple. Wait. Stop the van. Stop the van! Alison! Fancy meeting you. Allow me to give you a lift. Haru! Help! (SQUEALS OF PROTEST) Alison! Haru, help! Help me! Alison! SIRENS You. Hands in the air. It's him. The White Ninja. Do not shoot. I am on your side. Come on. Let's get him. CONFUSED SHOUTING I got him, I got him. SIRENS Alison. What have I done? He's an idiot. I cannot do this any more. I had to escape from jail. I am coming home. Do not be rash, Gobei. He has made every mistake in the Ninja book. HARU'S VOICE: Sensei! He is coming. Hide behind those clouds. Hello, Haru. Hello, Sensei. How are you, my son? I have tried, but I have failed. That is never true. I want so desperately to be a great Ninja like Gobei, but... Haru, stop comparing yourself to Gobei. Why, Sensei? He is the best Ninja ever. I hope he knows that I love him. All I have ever wanted was his respect. We would all be lucky to have a heart as big as yours. In fact, Gobei will not become a great Ninja until he learns that lesson. I tried to stop this mission because I feared for you. But I was wrong. You must continue. I must? Yes. Go. Save Alison. It is your duty as a Ninja. Sensei, you just called me a Ninja. Yes, I guess I did. Go now. Patrice. My car, please. Joey, you're coming with me. Joey, you're coming with me. All right. Who is stealing my shoes? There's no time to waste, Joey. There's no time to waste, Joey. I'm with you. Thanks, asshole. Thanks, asshole. My pleasure, sir. What are we doing? What are we doing? Using my perfect Ninja sense memory, I will recreate the trip to Tanley's warehouse. Drive, Joey. All right! I get to drive? Come on, come on. We goin'. Now, turn right. OK, OK. There was a bump. There was a bump. This is good. This is good. There was a bump. This is good. This is good. There was a right after a bump. There was a bump. This is good. This is good. There was a right after a bump. Go right after the bump. OK. Take off the blindfold. I know just where we are. We are on the right track, Joey. We are on the right track, Joey. We're on the track all right! I do not remember hearing thunder. There's gotta be a turn somewhere! There's got to! There's gotta be a turn somewhere! There's got to! Turn right now. Ah. This is good. I hear water. Now turn right. Now left towards the water. Yes. I think we're too close to the water. I think we're too close to the water. I think we should go back. You've led us astray. I cannot swim. Joey! Something is splashing my face. Joey, these sea creatures! Head towards the mainland. Mainland?! Mainland?! Yes, the mainland. The sea is foamy. The weather in America fluctuates. Maybe we should go for cover. Joey, what is that smell? Pina colada. Pina colada. I like it. You must listen to my directions, Joey. If you cannot, I will have to drive. You must listen at all times. I'm sorry. We must try it again. This time, Joey, you must follow my directions exactly. This time, Joey, you must follow my directions exactly. OK. No problem, no problem. There. I am ready. Everybody in my family like to drive ` Everybody in my family like to drive ` < You may drive now. Joey, you may drive now. You're lucky, Alison. You've lived a day longer than anyone else who's betrayed me. Here's a present. A little bang. Don't worry. You'll vaporise before you feel a thing. Don't worry. You'll vaporise before you feel a thing. I wish I'd killed you months ago. The feeling's mutual. The difference is, I'm able to rectify my mistake. DOOR SHUTS Somebody help me! Joey. Do not let up. We are nowhere near our destination. Joey, take a left. Joey! Why are we stopping here? Joey! Joey! So! We have entered the serpent's lair. Joey. Joey. You are a fragile boy. Shh! Shh! (GRUNTS) Yeah! Yeah, you go, nature boy! Yeah! Mr Dojo rising! Yeah! I made it! Well, if it isn't the Great White Ninja! Welcome back. You've made history. But your legend ends here. Only when I have ceased to breathe will I be dead, Tanley. Get rid of him. Gobei, what are you doing here? I come to help you, my brother. This has always been my dream. Let's get them. Gobei! That's right. Up the palm. Up the palm. So sorry, Gobei. Haru, don't you think you should go save Alison? Yes, but can you manage without me? I will try. ALISON: Somebody help me! Alison! Is that you? Yes! Haru, help me. All right. Hurry! Please hurry. Stop! Haru! Alison! Can you come any closer? I will untie you. There's no time. There's a bomb in here. Alison, have no fear. I will defuse the bomb. I can see now. Ah. It is simple. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Yes! I... There! I have done it. "We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialled. Please check the number and dial again." Oh, great. We just lost five minutes. Oops! Brother! Alison. My dove, hang on. Alison! How much time is left? Four minutes. Do not worry, Alison. I will return. I may not be the best Ninja. I may not be one with the universe. But no one messes with my brother. # Everybody was kung fu fighting. # Those cats were fast as lightning. # In fact it was a little bit frightening. # But they fought with expert timing. # There were funky Chinamen # from funky Chinatown. # They were chopping them up. # They were chopping them down. # It's an ancient Chinese art... I'm so sorry. # Everybody was kung fu fighting... Are you all right, my brother? Yes, Haru. # Everybody was kung fu fighting. MUSIC SPEEDS UP Nicely done, Joey. Haru! Alison! Haru. Hurry. Martin Tanley. (MALICIOUS LAUGHTER) I'm over here. So now you're out of bullets. Haru. Look out. Ooh! Help! Alison! Come on! Do not worry, Alison. Haru. 40 seconds. Haru! Get out of there, you. 30 seconds, Haru. Hang in there, my dove. Soon you will be free as a bird. Alison! Haru! Are we dead? No. You did it. I did? Yes. Thank you, Haru. I cannot say this has been an easy mission. Haru, you are without a doubt the greatest Ninja of all time. Believe it or not, there were times when I doubted myself. (LAUGHS) What a fool I was. Argh! Haru! Haru! Thank you, big brother. It will be all right now. You did good, Haru. Thank you, big brother. Sorry about your head. I was going for Tanley. Ninjas foiled an attempted counterfeiting operation. I am live with one of those Ninjas now. Now, I was under the impression that Ninjas are Japanese, and you seem to be black. Do not be fooled by the colour of my skin. You must have heard the legend of the Great Black Ninja. I haven't. Is that you? Some say it is so. You have done well, Haru. I am proud. Whether I am or am not the Great White Ninja, Sensei, you made me believe in myself. Though it will sadden me to see you leave, I am happy for you. I know I will be of more use in a place where they lack great Ninjas. We will return to the land of opportunity ` Beverly Hills. Haru, whether you are the chosen one or not, I would choose to fight alongside you any time. Good luck, my brother. Alison and I must leave. Goodbye. MANY VOICES: Goodbye. It's amazing. I think he's really changed. Bye, Sensei. Bye, Gobei. Haru! Gobei. Gobei! I am sorry, big brother. # Everybody was kung fu fighting. # Those cats were fast as lightning. # In fact, it was a little bit frightening. # But they fought with expert timing. # There were funky Chinamen # from funky Chinatown. They were chopping them up. # They were chopping them down. It's an ancient Chinese art, everybody playing a part. # From a feint into a slip # and a kicking from the hip, everybody was kung fu fighting. # Those cats were fast as lightning. # In fact, it was a little bit frightening. # But they fought with expert timing. # There was funky Billy Chew # and little Sammy Chung. He said, here come the big boys. Come on, let's get it on. # Sudden swaying with the hand. A sudden motion made me skip. And now we're on a brand new trip. # Everybody was kung fu fighting. # Those cats were fast as lightning. # In fact, it was a little bit frightening. # But they fought with expert timing... # ITFC Subtitles Michael Loftus Zoe Fairbairns. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Captioning NZ 2001.