1 IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 UNSETTLING MUSIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES 9 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 'This is a story of an ordinary little boy named Charlie Bucket.' 'He was not faster or stronger or more clever than other children.' 'His family was not rich or powerful or well connected.' 'In fact, they barely had enough to eat.' 'Charlie Bucket was the luckiest boy in the entire world.' 'He just didn't know it yet.' Evening, Buckets! Evening. Hi, Dad. Soup's almost ready, darling. Anything extra to put in there? Oh, well, nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage. Charlie? I found something I think you'll like. 'Charlie's father worked at the local toothpaste factory.' 'Hours were long and the pay was terrible. Yet occasionally there were unexpected surprises.' It's exactly what I need! What is it, Charlie? Dad found it, just the piece I needed. What piece was it? A head for Willy Wonka. How wonderful! Quite a likeness. You think so? Think so? I know so. I saw Willy Wonka with my own two eyes. I used to work for him, you know. You did? I did. He did. He did. I love grapes! Of course I was a much younger man in those days. 'Willy Wonka began with a single store on Cherry Street.' 'But the whole world wanted his candy.' Mr Wonka? Yeah? We need more Wonka bars and we're out of chocolate birds. Birds? Birds! Well, then, we'll need to make some more! Here. Now open. (TWEETING) (GIGGLES) The man was a genius. Do you know, he invented a new way of making chocolate ice cream so that it stays cold for hours without a freezer? You can leave it lying in the sun on a hot day and it won't go runny. That's impossible. But Willy Wonka did it. 'Before long, he decided to build a proper chocolate factory.' 'The largest chocolate factory in history.' 'Fifty times as big as any other.' (CHEERING) Grandpa, don't make it gross. Tell him about the Indian prince. He'd like to hear about that. You mean Prince Pondicherry. Well, Prince Pondicherry wrote a letter to Mr Wonka asking him to come all the way out to India and build him a colossal palace entirely out of chocolate. (LAUGHS) It will have one hundred rooms and everything will be made of either dark or light chocolate. True to his word, the bricks were chocolate and the cement was chocolate. All the walls and ceilings were made of chocolate as well. So were the carpets and the pictures and the furniture. It is perfect in every way. But it won't last long. You should start eating right now. Nonsense! I will not eat my palace. I intend to live in it. 'But Mr Wonka was right, of course.' 'Soon after this, there came a very hot day with a boiling sun.' Mm... (LAUGHS) 'The Prince sent an urgent telegram requesting a new palace, but Willy Wonka was facing problems of his own.' 'All the other chocolate makers, you see, had grown jealous of Mr Wonka.' 'They began sending in spies to steal his secret recipes.' 'Fickelgruber started making an ice cream that would never melt.' 'Prodnose came out with a chewing gum that never lost its flavour.' 'Then Slugworth began making candy balloons that you could blow up to incredible sizes.' (POP!) 'The thievery got so bad that one day without warning, Mr Wonka told every one of his workers to go home.' 'He announced that he was closing his chocolate factory forever.' I'm closing my chocolate factory forever. I'm sorry. (GATES SLAM) But it didn't close forever. It's open right now. Sometimes if grownups say "forever" they mean a very long time. I feel like I've eaten nothing but cabbage soup forever. Now, Pops...! The factory did close, Charlie. And it seemed like it was going to be closed forever. Then one day, we saw smoke rising from the chimneys. The factory was back in business. Did you get your job back? No. No-one did. But there must be people working there. Charlie, have you ever seen a single person going into that factory or coming out of it? No. The gates are always closed. Exactly. Then who's running the machines? Nobody knows, Charlie. It certainly is a mystery. Hasn't someone asked Mr Wonka? Nobody sees him any more. He never comes out. The only thing that comes out of that place is the candy. Already packed and addressed. I'd give anything in the world just to go in one more time and see what's become of that... amazing factory. Well, you won't, because you can't. No-one can. It's a mystery and it will always be a mystery. Charlie's little factory is as close as any of us will ever get. Come on, Charlie. It's time we let your grandparents get some sleep. Goodnight, Grandpa George. Goodnight, Charlie. Night night. Thank you, dear. Goodnight, Grandpa Joe. Goodnight, Grandma Georgina. Nothing's impossible, Charlie. Goodnight! (ALL) Night night, Charlie! 'Indeed, that very night, the impossible had already been set in motion.' "Dear people of the world, I, Willy Wonka, have decided to allow five children to visit my factory this year." "In addition, one of these children shall receive a special prize beyond anything you could ever imagine." Five Golden Tickets have been hidden beneath the wrapping paper of five Wonka bars. These five candy bars may be anywhere, in any shop, any street, any town, in any country in the world. (EXCITED VOICES) (EXCITED VOICES) (EXCITED VOICES) Wouldn't it be something, Charlie, to open a bar of candy and find a Golden Ticket inside? I know, but I only get one bar a year, for my birthday. Well, it's your birthday next week. You have as much chance as anybody does. Balderdash! Kids who'll find the Golden Tickets can afford candy bars every day. Our Charlie gets only one a year. He doesn't have a chance. Everyone has a chance, Charlie. Mark my words, the kid who finds the first ticket will be fat, fat, fat. Augustus, smile! I am eating ze Wonka bar and I taste something that is not chocolate. Coconut? Walnut? Peanut butter? Nougat? Butter brittle? Caramel? Sprinkles? So I look, and... I find ze Golden Ticket! Augustus, how did you celebrate? I eat more candy. We knew Augustus would find the Golden Ticket. He eats so many candy bars a day that it was not possible for him NOT to find one. Show us the ticket! Ja! Told you it'd be a porker. What a repulsive boy. Only four Golden Tickets left. Now that they've found one, things will really get crazy. '..every shape, size and hue.' 9 Veruca? Can you spell that for us, please? V-E-R-U-C-A. Veruca Salt. When my little Veruca said she had to have one of these Golden Tickets, I bought up all the Wonka bars I could lay my hands on. Thousands of them. Hundreds of thousands. I'm in the nut business, you see? so I said to my workers, Morning, ladies! Stop shelling peanuts and start shelling chocolate bars instead. (HOOTER BLARES) Three days went by and no luck. It was terrible. Veruca got more upset each day. Where's my Golden Ticket? I want my Golden Ticket! Well, gentlemen, I hated to see my little girl unhappy like that. I vowed to search until I could give her what she wanted. And finally, I found her a ticket. Daddy, I want another pony. She's even worse than the fat boy. That wasn't really fair. She didn't find the ticket herself. Don't worry about it, Charlie. That man spoils his daughter, and no good ever comes from spoiling a child like that. Charlie... your mum and I thought... maybe you want to open your birthday present tonight. Here you are. Maybe I should wait till morning. Like hell! Pop! All together we're 381 years old. We don't wait. Charlie, you mustn't feel too disappointed, you know, if you don't get the... You'll still have the candy. Ah, well. That's that. We'll share it. Oh, no, Charlie. Not your birthday present. It's my candy bar and I'll do what I want with it. Thank you, darling. Thanks, Charlie. Bless you. (INHALES DEEPLY) Let's see who found it. "The third ticket was found by Miss Violet Beauregarde." Hai! Hai! Hai! These are just some of the 263 trophies and medals my Violet has won. I'm a gum chewer, mostly, and when I heard about these ticket things I switched to candy bars. She's a driven young woman. I don't know where she gets it. I'm the junior world champion gum chewer. This gum I'm chewing, I've been working on for three months solid. That's a record. Of course I had my share of trophies. Mostly baton. One kid's gonna get this special prize better than all the rest. I don't care who the other four are. That kid is gonna be ME. Tell them why, Violet. Because I'm a winner. What a beastly girl. Despicable. You don't know what we're talking about. Dragonflies? 'This is just in. The fourth Golden Ticket has been found by a boy called Mike Teavee.' (HEAVY MORTAR FIRE) I just tracked the manufacturing dates, offset by weather and the derivative of the Nikkei Index. A retard could figure it out. Most of the time I don't know what he's talking about. Kids these days, what with all the technology... DIE! DIE! DIE! Doesn't seem like they stay kids very long. In the end I only had to buy one candy bar And how did it taste? I don't know. I hate chocolate. Well, it's a good thing you're going to a chocolate factory, you ungrateful little bu...! (SILENCE) (INAUDIBLE) (TV) '..That question is, who will win the last...?' (SWITCHES TV OFF) Dad? Charlie? Why aren't you at work? Ah, well, er... the toothpaste factory gave me a bit of time off. Like a summer vacation? Sure. Something like that. 'In fact, it wasn't like a vacation at all.' 'The upswing in candy sales had led to a rise in cavities, which led to a rise in toothpaste sales.' (MECHANICAL WHIRRING AND CLUNKING) 'With the extra money, the factory decided to modernise, eliminating Mr Bucket's job.' We were barely making ends meet as it was. You'll find another job. Until then I'll... just thin down the soup a little more. Don't worry, Mr Bucket. Our luck will change. I know it. Charlie? My secret hoard. You and I are going to have one more fling at finding that last ticket. Are you sure you want to spend your money on that, Grandpa? Of course. Here. Run down to the nearest store and buy the first Wonka candy bar you see. Bring it straight back and we'll open it together. Such a good boy. Such a good boy... Grandpa! (STARTS) You fell asleep. Have you got it? Which end should we open first? Just do it quick, like a Band-Aid. (FRANTIC RUSTLING) (INHALES DEEPLY) Some kid in Russia found the last Golden Ticket. Yes. It was in the paper this morning. Good boy. Come on, George. Good boy. One Wonka Whipple Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight, please. OK. The nerve of some people. I know. Forging a ticket. Come on! It's a Golden Ticket! You've found Wonka's last Golden Ticket! In my shop too! Listen, I'll buy it from you. I'll give you $50 and a new bicycle. Are you crazy? I'd give him $500. Want to sell me your ticket for $500, young man? That's enough! Leave the kid alone! Don't let anyone have it. Take it straight home, understand? Thank you. Mum! Dad! I found it! The last Golden Ticket! It's mine! Yippee! # Diddly-dee! Diddly-dee! Here! Read it aloud. Let's hear exactly what it says. "Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket from Mr Willy Wonka." "I shake you warmly by the hand, for I invite you to come to my factory and be my guest for one whole day." "I will conduct you round the factory showing you all there is to see." "Afterwards you will be escorted home by a procession of large trucks each one filled with all the chocolate you could ever eat." "And one of you lucky five children will receive an extra prize beyond your wildest imagination. Here are your instructions." "On the 1st of February you must come to the factory gates at 10am." "You may bring one family member to look after you." "Till then, Willy Wonka." The 1st of February. That's tomorrow! There's not a moment to lose, Charlie! Wash your face, comb your hair, blow your nose! Get that mud off your pants. We must keep calm. The first thing we have to decide is, who is going with Charlie to the factory? I will. You leave it to me. Dear, do you think you ought to go? Well... Grandpa Joe seems to know more about it than we do. Provided, of course, he feels well enough. Yippee! (LAUGHS) No. We're not going. A woman offered me $500 for the ticket. Someone else would pay more. We need the money more than the chocolate. Young man, come here. There's plenty of money out there. They print more every day. But this ticket... there's only five in the whole world, and that's all there's ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy? No, sir. Then get that mud off your pants! You've got a factory to go to! Daddy, I want to go in! It's 9.59, sweetheart. Make time go faster! Do you think Mr Wonka will recognise you? Hard to say. It's been years. (CRACKS CHOCOLATE WITH TEETH) Eyes on the prize, Violet. Eyes on the prize. (HEAVY CLANKING) (VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Please... enter! Come forward! Close the gate! (WHIRRING) Dear visitors, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to my humble factory. And who am I? Well... (MECHANICAL VOICES) Hee hee! Ho ho! # Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka # The amazing chocolatier # Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka # Everybody give a cheer! # He's modest, clever and so smart # He barely can restrain it # With so much generosity # There is no way to contain it # To contain it, to contain to contain, to contain # Ha ha, ho ho, hooray! # Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka The one that you're about to meet # Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka He's a genius who just can't be beat # The magician and the chocolate wiz # The best darn guy who ever lived # Willy Wonka, here he is! (VOICES BECOME DISTORTED AND WIND DOWN) # Willy Wonka... # The amazing chocolatier... (GIGGLING) Wasn't that magnificent? It was getting a little dodgy in the middle part, but that finale... Wow! Who are you? He's Willy Wonka. Really? Good morning, starshine. The earth says hello! Dear guests, greetings! Welcome to the factory. I shake you warmly by the hand. My name is Willy Wonka. So shouldn't you be up there? Well, I couldn't watch the show from up there now, could I, little girl? Mr Wonka, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory. Were you one of the despicable spies who tried to steal my work and sell it to those parasitic, copycat candy-making cads? No, sir! Then wonderful! Welcome back. Let's get a move on, kids. Don't you want to know our names? I can't imagine how it would matter. Come quickly! Far too much to see. Just drop your coats anywhere. Mr Wonka, it sure is toasty in here. What? Oh, yeah. I have to keep it warm in here because my workers are used to a very hot climate. They hate the cold. Who are the workers? All in good time. Now... (GASPS) Mr Wonka, I'm Violet Beauregarde. Oh. I don't care. You should care, cos I'm gonna win the prize at the end. You seem confident and confidence is key. I'm Veruca Salt. It's very nice to meet you, sir. I thought a verruca was a wart on the bottom of your foot. Ha ha! I an Augustus Gloop. I love your chocolate. I can see that. So do I. I never expected to have so much in common. You. You're Mike Teavee. You're the little devil who cracked the system. And you. You're just lucky to be here, aren't you? And the rest of you must be their... Parents. Yeah. Moms and dads. Dad? Papa? OK, then. Let's move along. Would you like some chocolate? Sure. Then you should have brought some. Let's be friends. Best friends. An important room, this. After all, it is a chocolate factory. Then why is the door so small? It's to keep all the great big chocolatey flavour inside. Now... do be careful, my dear children. Don't lose your heads. Don't get overexcited. Just keep... very... calm. It's beautiful. What? Oh, yeah, it's very beautiful. Every drop of the river is hot melted chocolate of the finest quality. The waterfall is most important. It mixes the chocolate, churns it up, makes it light and frothy. By the way, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall, my dear children. And you can take that to the bank. (WHIRRING) People? Those pipes... suck up the chocolate and carry it away all over the factory. Thousands of gallons an hour. Yeah! Do you like my meadow? Try some of my grass. Please have a blade. It's so delectable and so darn good-looking. You can eat the grass? Of course you can. Everything in this room is eatable. Even I'M eatable. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. Now... enjoy! Go on! Scoot! (GRUNTS) Huurrrgh! Son! Ahhh! Please. Dad, he said "enjoy". Why hold onto it? Why not start a new piece? Because then I wouldn't be a champion. I'd be a loser, like you. Daddy, look over there! What is it? It's a little person. Over there by the waterfall. (DRILLING) There's two of them. More than two. Where do they come from? Who are they? Are they real people? Of course they are. They're Oompa Loompas. Oompa Loompas? Imported direct from Loompa Land. There's no such place. What?! Mr Wonka, I teach high school geography and I tell you - Well, then you'll know what a terrible country it is. The whole place is thick jungles infested by the most dangerous beasts in the world. Hornswogglers and snozzwangers and those terrible, wicked whangdoodles. (LOUD BUZZING) (SQUEAK!) I went to Loompa Land looking for exotic new flavours for candy. Instead... I found the Oompa Loompas. They lived in tree houses to escape the fierce creatures who lived below. The Oompa Loompas only ate green caterpillars, which tasted revolting. (SQUELCHING) They looked for things to mash with the caterpillars to make them taste better. Red beetles, the bark of the bong-bong tree, all beastly. But not so beastly as the caterpillars. (GLOOPY SLOSHING) (SNIFFS) Mm! (GAGS) But the food they longed for the most was the cocoa bean. Ha! An Oompa Loompa was lucky to find three or four cocoa beans a year, but how they craved them. All they'd ever think about was cocoa beans. (DRUMBEAT) The cocoa bean is what chocolate is made from, so I told the Chief... Yi! (WARBLES) Brrrp, brrrp, brrrp! They are such wonderful workers. I feel I must warn you, though, they are rather mischievous. Always making jokes. Augustus, my child, that is not a good thing to do! Hey, little boy? My chocolate must be untouched my human hands. Aaaagh! He'll drown! He can't swim! Save him! Augustus! No! 8 Augustus! Augustus, watch out! Help! Help! Help! (GASPS) There he goes. Help! Call the Fire Brigade! It's a wonder that pipe is big enough. It isn't big enough. He's slowing down. He's gonna stick. Help! I think he has. (GRUNTS) He's blocked the whole pipe. Look, the Oompa Loompas. (DRUMMING AND CHANTING) What are they doing? They're going to treat us to a song. It is a special occasion. They haven't had a fresh audience in many a moon. (CHANTING AND DRUMMING BUILD UP) # Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop! # The great big greedy nincompoop! # Augustus Gloop, so big and vile # So greedy, foul and infantile # Come on, we cried the time is right # To send him shooting up the pipe # But don't, dear children be alarmed # Augustus Gloop will not be harmed # Augustus Gloop will not be harmed # Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! (ANGELIC HARMONIES) # Aaaahhh... # Although, of course, we must admit # He will be altered quite a bit # Slowly wheels go round and round # And cogs begin to grind and pound # This greedy brute this louse's ear # Is loved by people everywhere # For who could hate or bear a grudge # Against a luscious bit of fudge? Help! (DRUMMING AND CHANTING FADE) Bravo! Well done! Aren't they delightful? Aren't they charming? It all seemed rather rehearsed. Like they knew it was gonna happen. Oh, poppycock! Where is my son? Where does that pipe go to? That pipe leads to the room where I make the most delicious strawberry-flavoured, chocolate-coated fudge. He'll be made into strawberry- flavoured chocolate-coated fudge and sold by the pound? No. I wouldn't allow it. It would taste terrible. Can you imagine Augustus-flavoured chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew! No one would buy it. (WARBLES) I want you to take Mrs Gloop up to the fudge room, OK? Help her find her son. Take a long stick and poke around in the big chocolate mixing barrel. OK? Mr Wonka? Huh? Why was Augustus's name already in the Oompa Loompa song unless - Improvisation. Anyone can do it. You, little girl, say something. Anything. Chewing gum. Chewing gum is really gross. Chewing gum I hate the most. See? The same. No, it isn't. Er, you really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a word you're saying. Now, on with the tour. Are the Oompa Loompas really joking, Grandpa? Of course they're joking. That boy will be fine. (LAUGHTER) What's so funny? I think it's from all those doggone cocoa beans. By the way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property that triggers endorphins, gives one the feeling of being in love? You don't say! All aboard! Onward! Here. Try some of this. It'll do you good. You look starved to death. It's great! Because it's mixed by waterfall. The waterfall is most important. It mixes the chocolate, churns it up, makes it light and frothy. By the way, no other factory in the world - You already said that. You're all quite short, aren't you? Well, yeah, we're children! That's no excuse. I was never as short as you. You were once. Was not! You know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on my head. Look at your short little arms. You could never reach. Do you remember what it was like being a kid? Oh, boy, do I! Do I...? 'In fact, Willy Wonka hadn't thought about his childhood for years.' (KIDS) Trick or treat! (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Trick or treat! (LAUGHS) Who do we have here? Ruthie, Veronica, Terrence... and who's that under the sheet? Little Willy Wonka! Ohhh! 'Willy Wonka was the son of the city's most famous dentist, Wilbur Wonka.' (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) Now, let's see what the damage is this year, shall we? (RATTLING) Caramels. They'd get stuck in your braces, wouldn't they? Lollipops. What we call "cavities on a stick". And all this... all this... chocolate. Just last week I was reading in a very important medical journal that some children are allergic to... chocolate. It makes their noses itch. Maybe I'm not allergic. I could try a piece. Really? But why take a chance? Mr Wonka? Mr Wonka! We're headed for a tunnel. Oh, yeah. Full speed ahead! How can they see where they're going? They can't. There's no knowing where they're going. Lights! People, keep an eye out. We're passing some very important rooms. What do you use hair cream for? To lock in moisture! (MOOING AND WHIPS CRACKING) Whipped cream. Precisely! (GIGGLES) That doesn't make sense. For your information, little girl, whipped cream isn't whipped cream unless it's been whipped with whips. Everybody knows that. 9 8 Stop the boat! I want to show you guys something. (HISSING, CLUNKING AND WHIRRING) This is the most important room in the entire factory. Now, everyone enjoy yourselves, but just don't touch anything, OK? Go on, scoot! Hey, Mr Wonka, what's this? Oh! Let me show you. Thank you. Everlasting gobstoppers for children with very little allowance money. Suck it all year and it'll never get any smaller. Isn't that neat? It's like gum. No. Gum is for chewing. And if you tried chewing one of these gobstoppers, you'd break all your little teeth. They sure do taste terrific. And this is hair toffee. You suck down one of these little boogers, and in exactly half an hour a brand new crop of hair will start growing all over the top of your little noggin. And a moustache and a beard! Who wants a beard? Well, beatniks, for one. Folksingers and motorbike riders. All those hip, jazzy, supercool, neat, groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddio. Are you hep to the jive? Can you dig what I'm laying down? Slide me some skin, soul brother! Unfortunately the mixture isn't quite right yet, cos an Oompa Loompa tried some yesterday. Well... How are you today? You look great! Watch this. (WHIRRING) (HISSING) (WHIRRING BUILDS IN INTENSITY) That's it? Do you even know what "it" is? It's gum. Yeah. The most amazing, sensational gum in the whole universe. Know why? Know why? Because this gum is full three-course dinner all by itself! Why would anyone want that? "It will be the end of all kitchens and all cooking." "Just a strip of Wonka's magic chewing gum is all you will need at breakfast, lunch and dinner." "This piece of gum is tomato soup, roast beef and blueberry pie." It sounds great! It sounds weird. It sounds like my kinda gum. I'd rather you didn't. There are still one or two... I'm the world record holder in gum. I'm not afraid of anything. How is it, honey? It's amazing! Tomato soup, I can feel it running down my throat. Yeah. Spit it out. Young lady, I think you'd better - It's changing. Roast beef with baked potato! Crispy skin and butter. My little girl's the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal. I'm just a little concerned about... Blueberry pie and ice cream! ..that part. What's happening to her nose? It's turning blue! Her whole nose has gone purple! What do you mean? Violet, you're turning violet! What's happening? Well, I told you I hadn't quite got it right. It goes a little funny at the dessert. It's the blueberry pie. I'm terribly sorry. Mother? What's happening to me? Ohhh! She's swelling up! Like a blueberry. I've tried it on 20 Oompa Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry It's just weird. I can't have a blueberry as a daughter! How is she supposed to compete? You could put her in a county fair. (FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL INTRO) # Yeah! # Yeah! # Listen close, listen hard # To the tale of Violet Beauregarde # The dreadful girl she sees no wrong # Chewing chewing chewing chewing chewing chewing all day long # Chewing chewing all day long # Chewing chewing all day long Chewing chewing all day long # She goes on chewing till at last # Her chewing muscles grow so fast # And from her face her giant chin # Sticks out just like a violin # Chewing chewing all day long Chewing chewing all day long # Chewing chewing all day long # Oompa Loompa, Oompa Loompa Oompa Loompa! # For years and years she chews away # Her jaws get stronger every day # And with one great tremendous chew # They bite the poor girl's tongue in two # And that is why we try so hard # To save Miss Violet Beauregarde # Chewing chewing all day long Chewing chewing all day long # Chewing chewing chewing chewing chewing chewing # All day long # Chewing chewing all day long Chewing chewing all day long... (VIOLET) Mr Wonka! Roll Miss Beauregarde in the boat and take her to the juicing room. OK? Juicing room? What will they do to her there? They're going to squeeze her, like a little pimple. We gotta squeeze all that juice out of her immediately. Ohhh...! Mother, help me! Please! (GRUNTS) Come on! Let's boogie! 9 Without the boat we'll have to move fast to keep on schedule. There's too much to see. Mr Wonka, why did you decide to let people in? So they could see the factory, of course. Why now and only five? What's the prize and who gets it? The best prize is a SUR-prize! Ha ha Will Violet always be a blueberry? No. Maybe. I don't know. That's what you get for chewing gum all day. Disgusting! If you hate gum, why make it? You shouldn't mumble, it's starting to bum me out. Can you remember the first candy you ever ate? No. 'In fact, Willy Wonka DID remember the first candy he ever ate.' I'm sorry, I was having a flashback. I see. Do these flashbacks happen often? Increasingly... today. Ah, this is a room I know all about. You see, Mr Wonka, I myself am in the nut business. Are you using the Havermax 4000 to do your sorting? No. (LAUGHS) You're really weird. (MASS SQUEAKING) Squirrels! Yeah. These squirrels are specially trained to get nuts out of shells. Why use squirrels not Oompa Loompas? Only squirrels can get the whole nut almost every time. They tap each one to make sure it's not bad. Look, look! I think that one's got a bad nut. Daddy, I want a squirrel. Get me one of those squirrels. I want one. Veruca, dear, you have many marvellous pets. All I've got at home is one pony, two dogs, four cats, six bunny rabbits, two parakeets, two canaries, a parrot, a turtle and a silly old hamster. I want a squirrel! Alright, pet. Daddy'll get you a squirrel as soon as he can. I don't want any old squirrel. I want a TRAINED squirrel. Very well. Mr Wonka? How much for one of these squirrels? Name your price. Oh, they're not for sale. She can't have one. Daddy! (IN DADDY'S VOICE) Sorry, darling. Mr Wonka's being unreasonable. If you won't get me a squirrel I'll get one myself. Veruca? Little girl? Veruca, come back at once. Veruca! Little girl, don't touch that squirrel's nuts! It'll make him crazy! I'll have YOU! (SQUEAKS) Veruca! Veruca! (SCREAMS) Veruca! Let's find the key... Not that one. Daddy! Veruca! Nope! There it is. There it ISN'T. Daddy, I want them to stop! (TAPPING) What are they doing? Testing to see if she's a bad nut. (SQUEAKS) Oh, my goodness. She is a bad nut after all. (MASS SQUEAKING) Veruca! Daddy! Where are they taking her? Where all the bad nuts go, the garbage chute. Where does that go? To the incinerator. But we only light it on Tuesdays. Today IS Tuesday. There's always the chance they decided not to light it today. < (SCREAMS) Help! (SCREAMS) She may be stuck in the chute just below the top. If that's the case, all you have to do is pull her out. OK? > (OOMPA LOOMPAS HARMONISE) # Aaaah # Aaaaah # Aaaaah # Aaaaah # Veruca Salt, the little brute # Has just gone down the garbage chute # And she will meet, as she descends # A rather different set of friends # A rather different set of friends A rather different set of friends # A fish head for example cut # This morning from a halibut # An oyster from an oyster stew # A steak that no-one else would chew # And lots of other things as well # Each with its rather horrid smell # Horrid smell # These are Veruca's newfound friends # That she will meet as she descends # These are Veruca's newfound friends (ANGELIC HARMONIES) # Who went and spoiled her? Who indeed? # Who pandered to her every need? # Who turned her into such a brat? # Who are the culprits? # Who did that? # The guilty ones, now this is sad # Dear old Mum and loving... Dad... # Aaagh! Oh really? Oh, good! The incinerator's broken, so there should be three weeks' of rotten garbage to break their fall. That's good news. Yeah. Well... let's keep on trucking. 9 (PING!) I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier. The elevator's the most efficient way to get around the factory. There can't be this many floors. How do YOU know, Mr Smarty-Pants? This isn't an ordinary elevator. This elevator can go sideways, longways, slantways, any way you can think of. Press any button and whoosh, you're off! Oh, look! Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to Fudge Mountain! Oh! I'd rather not talk about this one. This is the puppet hospital and burns centre. It's relatively new. Ah, the administration offices. Hello, Doris. Ohhh! (WHIRRING AND BANGING) (RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!) Why is everything here completely pointless? Candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's candy. It's stupid! (WILLY WONKA'S DAD'S VOICE) Candy is a waste of time. No son of mine is going to be a chocolatier. Then I'll run away to Switzerland, Bavaria, the candy capitals of the world. Go ahead. But I won't be here when you come back. (RUBBER GLOVES SQUEAK) Sorry, sir. We're closing for the night. (THUNDERCLAP) (FIREWORKS EXPLODE) I wanna pick a room. Go ahead. Here! Put these on quick and don't take them off whatever you do. This light could burn your eyeballs out of your skulls. And we certainly don't want that, do we? This is the testing room for my very latest and greatest invention - television chocolate. It occurred to me, if television can break up a photograph into millions of tiny pieces and send it whizzing through the air then reassemble it on the other end, why can't I do that with chocolate? Why can't I send a bar of chocolate through the television all ready to be eaten? (OPRAH) 'I'm not going to touch it! I'm not going in that direction.' (MIKE'S DAD) Sounds impossible. (MIKE) It IS impossible. You don't understand anything about science. First off, there's a difference between waves and particles. Duh! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs. MUMBLER! Seriously, I cannot understand a single word you're saying. Okey-dokey. I shall now send a bar of chocolate from one end of the room... to the other by television. Bring in the chocolate! (THEME FROM 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY) It's got to be real big, cos on TV you can film a regular-size man and he comes out looking this tall. Same basic principle. It's gone! Told ya! That bar of chocolate is now rushing through the air in a million pieces. Come over here. Come on! Watch the screen! Here it comes... Look. (SCREECHING AND GRUNTING) Take it! It's just a picture on a screen. Tsk! Scaredy-cat. YOU take it. Go on, just reach out and grab it. Holy Buckets! Eat it. It'll be delicious. It's the same bar, it got a little smaller on the journey, that's all. (SNAPS TEETH) It's great. It's a miracle. You're at home watching TV, and a commercial flashes onto the screen. A voice says, "Wonka's chocolates are the best in the world." "If you don't believe us, try one for yourself." And you simply reach out... and take it! How about that? So can you send other things? Say, breakfast cereal? Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? Little curly shavings you find in pencil sharpeners. But could you send it if you wanted to? Of course I could. And people? Why would I send a person? They don't taste good at all. Don't you realise what you've invented? A teleporter! The most important invention in history. And all you think about is chocolate. Calm down, Mike. Mr Wonka knows what he's talking about. He doesn't! He has no idea. You think he's a genius, but he's an idiot! But I'm not. Hey, little boy? Don't push my button! (WHIZZING) He's gone! Let's go check the television, see what we get. I sure hope no part of him gets left behind. What do you mean? Well, sometimes only half the little pieces find their way through. If you had to choose half of your son, which would it be? What kind of question is that?! No need to snap. It's just a question. Try every channel. I'm starting to feel a little anxious. There he is! Mike! # The most important thing we've learned # As far as children are concerned # Is never let them near a television set # Or better still just don't install the idiotic thing at all # Never never let them! Never never let them! # It rots the senses in their head! It kills imagination dead! # It clogs and clutters up the mind! Makes a child so dull and blind! # So dull! So dull! # He can no longer understand a fairytale and fairyland! # A fairyland, a fairyland! # His brain becomes soft as cheese Powers of thinking rust and freeze! # He cannot think, he only sees! # Regarding little Mike Teavee # We very much regret that we # Regret that we... # Shall simply have to wait and see # Wait and see and wait and see! # We very much regret that we shall simply have to wait and see # If we can get him back to size But if we can't... # It serves him right! # Ew! Grab him. (TINY VOICE) Help me! Help me! Oh, thank heavens. He's completely unharmed. Unharmed?! What are you talking about? Just put me back in the other way! There is no other way. It's television, not tele-PHONE. Quite a difference. Then what exactly do you propose to do about it? I don't know. But young men are extremely springy. The stretch like mad. Let's put him in the taffy-puller! Taffy-puller?! Hey, that was MY idea. Boy, is he gonna be skinny! Yeah... taffy-puller. I want you to take Mr Teavee and his... ..little boy up to the taffy-puller, OK? Stretch him out. On with the tour. There's still so much left to see. How many children are left? Mr Wonka, Charlie's the only one left now. You mean you're the only one? You mean you're the only one? Yes. What happened to the others? Oh, my dear boy, that means you've won! I do congratulate you, I really do. I'm absolutely delighted. I had a hunch from the beginning. Well done! We mustn't dilly or dally. We have an enormous number of things to do. Luckily for us, we have the glass elevator to speed... (CRASH!) ..speed things along. (PING!) Come on! Up and out? What kind of room is that? Hold on. Oh, my goodness! We need to go much faster or we'll never break through. Break through what? I've been longing to press that button for years. Well, here we go. Up and out! You really mean...? Yeah, I do! But it's made of glass. It'll smash into a million pieces. (CRAZY LAUGH) Augustus, please don't eat your fingers! But I taste so good. Look, Mother, I'm much more flexible now! Yes, but you're BLUE. Daddy, I want a flying glass elevator. The only thing you're getting today is a bath. But I want it! Where do you live? Right over there. That little house. 9 When do you think they'll be back? Hard to know, dear. (THUNDEROUS CRASHING AND BANGING) (CRASHING AND SMASHING) I think there's someone at the door. Hi, Mum! Mum, Dad, we're back! < Charlie! Thank goodness. This is Willy Wonka. He gave us a ride home. I see that! You must be the boy's... Parents? Yeah. That. He says Charlie's won something. Not just SOME something. The most something something of any something that's ever been. I'm going to give this little boy my entire factory. You must be joking. No, really. It's true. A few months ago I was having my semi-annual haircut, and I had the strangest revelation. 'In that one silver hair, I saw reflected my life's work.' 'My factory, my beloved Oompa Loompas.' 'Who would watch over them after I was gone?' 'I realised in that moment...' I must find a heir. And I did, Charlie. You! Ahh! That's why you sent out the Golden Tickets. Uh-huh. (What are Oompa Loompas?) Five children, and the one who was least rotten would be the winner. (GRANDPA) That's YOU, Charlie. So what do you say? Are you ready to leave all this and live with me at the factory? Sure! Of course. It's alright if my family come too? My dear boy, of course they can't. You can't run a factory with a family hanging over you like an old dead goose. No offence. None taken. (Jerk!) A chocolatier has to run free and solo. He has to follow his dreams, gosh darn the consequences. Look at me. I had no family and I'm a giant success. So if I go with you to the factory I won't ever see my family again? Yeah! Consider that a bonus. Then I'm not going. I wouldn't give up my family for anything. Not for all the chocolate in the world. Oh, I see. That's weird. There's other candy too besides chocolate. I'm sorry, Mr Wonka. I'm staying here. Wow. Well, that's just... unexpected and... ..weird. But I suppose in that case I'll just... Goodbye, then. Sure you won't change your mind? I'm sure. OK. Bye. (PING!) (THUNDEROUS WHOOSHING) Things are going to get much better. 'And for once, Grandma Georgina knew exactly what she was talking about.' 'Next morning Charlie helped his parents fix the hole in the roof.' 'Grandpa Joe spent the whole day out of bed.' 'He didn't feel tired at all.' 'Charlie's father got a better job at the toothpaste factory, repairing the machine that had replaced him.' 'Things had never been better for the Bucket family' 'The same could not be said for Willy Wonka.' I can't put my finger on it. Candy was the only thing I was certain of and now I'm not certain at all. I don't know which flavours to make, which ideas to try. I'm second- guessing myself, which is nuts. I've always made whatever candy I felt like, and I... That's just it, isn't it? I make the candy I feel like, but now I feel terrible so the candy's terrible! You're very good. Pity about that chocolate fellow, Windell, er, Walter... Willy Wonka. That's the one. Says here his new candy's not selling very well. But I suppose maybe he's just a rotten egg who deserves it. Yep. Oh, really? You ever met him? I did. I thought he was great at first. But then he didn't turn out so nice. He also has a funny haircut. I do not! Why are you here? I don't feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible? My family. Ew! What do you have against my family? It's not just your family, it's the whole idea of... They tell you what to do, what not to do. It's not conducive to a creative atmosphere. Usually they're just trying to protect you because they love you. If you don't believe me, you should ask. Ask who? My father? (SCORNFUL LAUGH) No way. At least, not by myself. You want me to go with you? Hey! Hey, what a good idea! Yeah! And you know what? I got trans... (THUD!) I have to be more careful where I park this thing. (PING!) I think we've got the wrong house. (RINGS BELL) You have an appointment? No. But he's overdue. Open. Let's see what the damage is, shall we? Heavens! I haven't seen bicuspids like these since... Since... Willy? Hi, Dad. All these years... ..and you haven't flossed. Not once. (GLOVES SQUEAK) 'It was on this day, Willy Wonka repeated his offer to Charlie, who accepted on one condition.' Sorry we're late. We were brainstorming. Thought I heard thunder. Staying for dinner, Willy? Yes, please. I'll shuffle the plates. You smell like peanuts. I love peanuts. Oh, thank you! You smell like... old people, and soap. I like it! Ohhh! Elbows off the table, Charlie. How do you feel about little raspberry kites? With liquorice instead of string. Boys? No business at the dinner table. Sorry, Mum. I think you're on to something, though, Charlie. In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka got something even better. A family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter.