@ 'LA MER', BY CHARLES TRENET PLAYS My name is Harris K Telemacher. I live in Los Angeles and I've had seven heart attacks: all imagined. That is to say, I was unhappy but I didn't know it because I was so happy I have a favourite quote about LA by William Shakespeare. "This other Eden, demi-paradise, this precious stone set in the silver sea, this earth, this realm, this Los Angeles." This is what happened to me and I swear it's true. RADIO: Watch out, LA. It's major gridlock this morning. Big hold-ups on all the freeways.. ZANY MUSIC PLAYS HONKS HORN HORNS HONK HORN HONKS Whoa. Hey. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Harris, you have to do this. I can't be in a parade, I'm in the news. You won't see Dan Rather there. Harris, 15 seconds to air. Harris, 15 seconds to air. Oh. What good will it do me to stand in a convertible and wave at people? It will make you beloved. It will make you beloved. Waving is not what I do best. It will make you beloved. Waving is not what I do best. That's a great wave. Have to maintain dignity. People must respect me so they believe what I tell them. This is news. < Now Harris Telemacher. Hey, hey, hey! It's time for the wha-wha-whacky weekend weather! Let's take a look at our weather map. We'll have a low coming in over Pasadna, no, that's Pasadena. There's a low here. No, it's down there. We were going to have some clouds in Beverly Hills, but the council voted against it. We'll just have some sun and some snow and possibly 72 degrees. And now, the car phone report. Sunspot activity is minimum, so car phones will have little interference. So make that important call, you probably won't be disconnected. And that's my report. Gail and Bob. FORCED LAUGHTER Harris, somebody told me you have a PhD in Arts. Harris, somebody told me you have a PhD in Arts. Oh. Yes, I do. Lot of good it did you. Harris, what's whacky? What's whacky? What's whacky? That's your last weather forecast. Today was pretty whacky. Today was pretty whacky. No, not whacky. Today was pretty whacky. No, not whacky. Not whacky? (LAUGHS) Yes. You're doing some kind of intellectual stuff. It's intellectual to you because you were educated with a banana and a tyre. It's an intellectual-free zone. More whacky, less egg-head. More whacky, less egg-head. 'More whacky, less egg-head.' Thanks, thanks. BALLS CLACK RHYTHMICALLY We're late, aren't we? We're late, aren't we? It's only one o'clock. We're late, aren't we? It's only one o'clock. That's when we're due there. My mistake. If I say lunch is at one, then figure if I get here at 12.40, we get there in plenty of time. But what I don't count on is the 20 minutes of 'busy-ness' that goes on after I get here. I'm doing 30 minute lips. They can wait. It won't kill them. But the thing is, you look ready. So, I get ready. After I stand by the door for 10 minutes, I realise you weren't ready. So I sit down. Then I get another feeling that you're ready and I get up. Then I realise you gave off an illusion of being ready, that I didn't know was an illusion. I'll be in the car. ^ Sitting there, I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said: "Life is pretty stupid, with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing. "Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing." CAT MEOWS CAR STARTS You look nice. You look nice. Do you like this one better? You look nice. Do you like this one better? Yeah. I could change. I could change. No, that's all right. Who are we having lunch with? Who are we having lunch with? Friends and friends of friends. And some of my gift service clients. Frank will be there. Frank will be there. I just saw Frank. He wanted me to be in a parade. If it weren't impossible for me to fire people, I'd get somebody else. RADIO: It's 1.20. Hey, if you sense something in the air, it's not the smog, Los Angeles. It's the first day of spring. What did he say? What did he say? He said it's the first day of spring Oh, shit! Open season on the LA freeway. Where is it? HORN HONKS Is it loaded? Is it loaded? There's two bullets in it. Is it loaded? There's two bullets in it. Well, load it! Hurry! HORN HONKS HORN HONKS Get over. What's wrong with you? These are old. Do bullets go bad? These are old. Do bullets go bad? No. It's not like milk. They don't have an expiry date. Don't point it at me! Don't point it at me! Sorry. I don't know gun etiquette. You son of a bitch! PEACEFUL MUSIC PEACEFUL MUSIC Better not ruin our brunch. Reload! Reload! OK. All right! Reload! OK. All right! Be careful. Don't panic! You little cocker! (SCREAMS) My hair. Did I leave my blue pants at your apartment? Did I leave my blue pants at your apartment? Yeah. I took them to the cleaners. GUNSHOTS FADE I won't kiss anyone hello any more. I hate that. I won't kiss anyone hello any more. I hate that. Just shake hands. Are you kidding? I just washed my hands and some guy feels like he's been squashing caterpillars. < Ah, Cowles party of 10. < Ah, Cowles party of 10. Yes. You're the first to arrive. Right this way, please. HUBBUB Hi! Harris! Hi! Oh, no. (LAUGHS) (SHRIEKS) I hurt my neck playing tennis. Oh! Hi! ALL CHATTER I think it was. We saw it together. I think it was. We saw it together. We saw it together. I see the film and I'm gonna give it a seven. As I'm leaving the parking lot, I realise Thurlow the producer has got this incredible space, by the exit. They put me far away in the back end. So I go on the air and give it a three. ALL LAUGH Shiela has been studying the art of conversation. You're taking a course in conversation? You're taking a course in conversation? Yes. The first thing I teach clients is the points system. You should never have more than seven things on. Like your earrings count for two points. The best thing to do is, before you go out, look in the mirror and turn around fast. The first thing that catches your eye; get rid of it. I had this thing in my hair before, but I took it out. Because as soon as I turned - gone. Marilyn Monroe did that. Whatever you do, don't get dumped in LA. In LA you have to hit someone with your car to meet them. Some girls speed just to meet cops. We met on a hit in west Hollywood. (LOUDLY) Loud talkers in restaurants. I despise them and I want them to die. Sarah's here. I don't understand why we don't shoot them. < Because they're people. < Because they're people. < They are not. I thought you were lost. I thought you were lost. I was lost. Let me sit you down. Let me introduce you. Sarah McDowell; Harris, Trudi... Frank Swan. Frank Swan. Hello, hello, how do you do? Sarah just arrived from London. > < You must be exhausted. < You must be exhausted. I'm shattered. But it's nothing a sleep and a good fuck wouldn't cure. You have to forgive Sarah. You have to forgive Sarah. It was just a figure of speech. I've been on a plane for 12 hours next to a crying baby. I've been on a plane for 12 hours next to a crying baby. ALL: Ohh. What do you give the plane? What do you give the plane? What? What do you give the plane? What? On a scale of one to 10. Oh. An eight. What would you like to eat? What would you like to eat? What kind of food do they have? What would you like to eat? What kind of food do they have? ALL: California cuisine. What do we do about these Goddamn wrong number dialers! Sarah, what do you do? Sarah, what do you do? I'm writing an article about Los Angeles for the London Times. You've come to the right place. GLASSES CLINK What do you do, Rolly? What do you do, Rolly? I deal in English paintings. Abstract or realistic? Abstract or realistic? Depends on which way you look at them. RUMBLING What's this? What's this? Just an earthquake. How strong is it, Harris? I'd give it a four. When an executive wants to buy a gift for someone, I pick something. I gifted Sherman, Lee and Rosenquist's entire office at Christmas. I got something from them. A stun-gun. I got something from them. A stun-gun. (SHRIEKS) That was me! You did the stun-gun? > You did the stun-gun? > Yes, yes. Monogrammed. > Did you get it monogrammed? > She ought to interview Harry Zells.> She ought to interview Harry Zells.> Who's Harry Zells? > She ought to interview Harry Zells.> Who's Harry Zells? > The most powerful agent in town. > Well, he's supposed to be nice. The guy would never stab you in the back unless it was in self-defence. Napkin? I keep thinking I'm a grown-up, but I'm not. LAUGHTER I'll have a decaf coffee. I'll have a decaf espresso. I'll have a double decaf cappuccino. Do you have decaffeinated coffee ice-cream? I'll have a half double-decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon. I'll have a twist of lemon. I'll have a twist of lemon. I'll have a twist of lemon. I'll have a twist of lemon. I'll have a twist of lemon. I'll have a twist of lemon. I would love to do a make-over on you. I hope your nose turns out. ^ As far as I'm concerned, there are three mystical places in the world: the desert just outside Santa Fe, New Mexico,... the Tree of Life in Bahrain,... and the restaurant at the corner of Sunset and Crescent, because that's where I met her. Isn't Sarah awful? I mean, what's with that accent? Isn't Sarah awful? I mean, what's with that accent? She's English. Or maybe she's trying to impress everybody. Or maybe she's trying to impress everybody. Like that phoney, Winston Churchill? About what you said in there. About what you said in there. What? About getting some sleep and having a bonk. About getting some sleep and having a bonk. (LAUGHS) Oh dear. If I say that again, tie me up and gag me. We tried that, but you started laughing. We tried that, but you started laughing. Leave off, Roland. You've come all this way, I'm so grateful. We should try again. I'm happy the way things are. I'm sorting my life out. I'm so passionate about you. Let me take you for a hotdog on Sunday. Your ticket, please. Your ticket, please. Oh. It's the cream thingy there. It's late, I've got to go. It's late, I've got to go. STARTS CAR 'Bye. She kept her hat on. I'm sure she has bad hair. You don't know how unattractive hate is. Excuse me! Hello! Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? Sure. Do people here get up early or late? Do people here get up early or late? It depends. Why? If a person were to make a lot of noise, what time could they start? What kind of noise? Like construction? What kind of noise? Like construction? No. Deep, sustained booming sounds. Ah. Around 9am - 9.15am. Great. Thanks. 'Bye. Great. Thanks. 'Bye. < 'Bye. TYRES SQUEAL HORN HONKS HORNS HONK She's used to driving on the left. She's used to driving on the left. Hey! Oh, God. Ha ha ha. I'm sorry. I was just concentrating on... Yeah. I know what you were concentrating on. # Hey, babe. Don't you know you drive me to distraction. # Pull me over the line. # Pull me over. # Start a chain reaction. # And make me lose my mind. # There ain't no doubt about it. # My resistance is low. # Temptation all around me. # Everywhere I go. # I hear a knock-knock. Trouble knocking at my door. # I send it away, but it just comes back for more. # < Do you like those? < Do you like those? Yes. Oh, sorry! What? Do you want me to mark your pants? Do you want me to mark your pants? I don't know. Are they the same price as these? Are they the same price as these? Nope. These are a bit more. Are they the same price as these? Nope. These are a bit more. How do I look in these? You look fabulous in these. OK. Mark them. OK. Mark them. OK. Stand up straight or they won't be right. Stand up straight or they won't be right. All right. Do you like a break in them? Do you like a break in them? Umm, a little. Like that? Like that? Ahh, that's fine. Huh! Nice. OK. When can I pick these up? When can I pick these up? Any time you want. Is Wednesday all right? Is Wednesday all right? Yeah, fine. I'll just get out of these. Whoa! ENGINE CUTS OUT HORNS HONK ^ There are two events in my life I consider to be magical, that can't be explained scientifically. The first of them was about to happen LEAVES RUSTLE Hi. 'Ruok?' Oh! 'Are you OK?' Yeah, I'm fine. What? Who are you? I can see that. I know I'm being filmed. All right. Is this a joke, or something? How am I in trouble? How am I in trouble? CAR STARTS So what do I do? What? Oh, oh. Do it again. Well, I'll work on it. 'Bye. The sign spoke to me. The sign spoke to me. Uh-huh. Said I was in trouble. Said I was in trouble. If you're talking to signs you are in trouble. So I'll see you Sunday? So I'll see you Sunday? I got a shower Sunday. Yeah. And I should take a bath. Monday? Pick me up at 8.30. Pick me up at 8.30. Doesn't anyone eat at six any more? 'Bye. DOG BARKS DOG BARKS Quiet! Quiet! It's me! KEYPAD BEEPS Will you be quiet. Hi, doggy. Who's 'daddy'? . SOOTHING MUSIC CAT MEOWS DEEP SUSTAINED BOOMING SOUNDS Homes in north Hollywood were evacuated because of a shower of tennis balls. The cargo door of an aircraft... ANSWERPHONE: Ready. Mom. Mom. Say name again. Mom. Mom. Say name again. TV: What a surprise this weekend when the weather turned unseasonably low. Here's Harris Telemacher, our whacky weatherman. When the weather dropped down to 58 degrees this weekend, how did you cope? I made sure the windows were shut. And what about your pets? And what about your pets? The cats were out till around 10, but it got cold and they came in. The cats were out, but it got a cold and they came in. That's how LA coped with that surprise low that turned the weekend into a real weenie shrinker. Now, the toupee report. Winds five per hour, gusting to 15 miles per hour. So either stay indoors or wear a hat. This is Harris K Telemacher with the wiggy weekend weather. PHONE RINGS This is Harris. I'm in, so you can talk to me now. Please talk after the beep. BEEP Hello? Hello? Hello. Hello? Hello? Hello. Is this a person? Is this a person? Yes, it is. Harris Telemacher? Harris Telemacher? Yes. This is Sarah McDowell. I don't know if you remember me, we met at lunch. This is Sarah McDowell. I don't know if you remember me, we met at lunch. You're the reporter. Journalist, yes. And you're the weatherman. Journalist, yes. And you're the weatherman. Meteorologist, yeah. I hope you don't mind me calling. I'd love to interview you for my piece. English, French or Italian? You speak all those languages? You speak all those languages? No. If it were Italian or French, I'd be out of it. Bugger! Ready. Dial Mom. Dial Mom. NUMBERS BEEP/DIAL TONE ^ Domino's Pizza, this is Julian. Our specials are... ^ Domino's Pizza, this is Julian. Our specials are... So...sorry. STIRRING MUSIC Want some trail mix? Fruit, cookies? Muriel, how do you stay thin with all this food around? Muriel, how do you stay thin with all this food around? I guess women burn fat faster. That's a disgusting notion. That's my friend; quiet, pretty and quite a little fat-burner. You're just jealous. I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd stay home and play with my breasts. Where's June? In her room recovering from the after-effects of alcohol. Want some juice? Want some juice? Sure. It's a new mixture for the shop. It's a new mixture for the shop. PHONE RINGS Hello? This is Ariel. Uh-huh. Hey, kiddo, what's up? > Sounds like a job for supergirl. Sounds like a job for supergirl. It's exactly like licking carpet. I'll bring the stuff down in an hour. 'Bye. It's great being the boss. Can we take your car? It's great being the boss. Can we take your car? Sure. Ooh. Ooh. Boy, are you gonna have a rough day. There's coffee in there. Hey, Harris. God, am I stupid. Hey, Harris. God, am I stupid. Have some juice. I'll make you some eggs. Can you wait? I'll make you some eggs. Can you wait? Sure. The museum's open till five. DRAMATIC MUSIC Go. ^ I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide. TYRES SCREECH Hello. Hello. Hello. < You're on time. < You're on time. Actually, I'm late. < You're on time. Actually, I'm late. < You're exactly on time. But I'd planned to be early. But I'd planned to be early. Huh? Hey! No. Stop. Stop. Let me pose, at least. I had this idea. Rather than do an interview with me... I had this idea. Rather than do an interview with me... Hang on. which would be fascinating because of my interesting word structures,... I thought I'd show you round town. A few secret places. Kind of a cultural tour of LA. That'll only take 15 minutes. That'll only take 15 minutes. A cynic. First stop is six blocks away. Why don't we walk? Why don't we walk? Walk?! (LAUGHS) Walk in LA? (LAUGHS) Architecture. Some of these houses are over 20 years old. This house is Greek revival. They revive the Greek every morning who lives there. Here's a Tudor mansion and a four-door mansion. You're nobody in LA unless you live in a house with a big door. I'll take you to the Museum of Musicology. Beethoven's balls. Come on. I'll take you to the graveyard. Lots of famous peole are buried here. Rocky Marciano, Benny Goodman and William Shakespeare. I think he wrote Hamlet Part 8: the Revenge here. ENGINE STARTS < Hello. < Hello. < Hello. (COCKNEY ACCENT) Oh, 'ello. Whose grave is it? Whose grave is it? Mine. He means who's going to be buried here. What's his name? He means who's going to be buried here. What's his name? It's not a 'he', miss. All right, she. All right, she. Not a woman either. Used to be a woman, now she's dead. (LAUGHS) Finally, a funny grave digger. Want to know how long it takes a body to rot? Want to know how long it takes a body to rot? Boy, do we? If they're not already rotten, eight years. Some Beverly Hills women'll last 12 years. How come? Their skin is tanned, polished like a shoe. That keeps water out. Water ruins a good dead body. And they've got extra parts. That stuff's not biodegradable. Here's a bloke that's been around for 35 years. Who was he? Who was he? That's the magician, the Great Blunderman. Not so great now, is he? The Great Blunderman. I knew him. He was funny. He taught me magic. A fellow of infinite jest? A fellow of infinite jest? Yeah. A fellow of infinite jest? Yeah. That's it. "He hath born me on his back a thousand times." "He hath born me on his back a thousand times." She knows. She's got it. "Where be your jibes now? Your flashes of meriment that would set the table on a roar?" I don't like to be around interesting people, as I have to be interesting. Are you saying I'm interesting? When I'm around you I show off, which is the idiot's version of interesting Are you seeing anyone? Are you seeing anyone? Yeah. Me too. So that's out. Can I have your friend's head back? Can I have your friend's head back? Sure. Sorry. I should get to work. I should get to work. Me too. 'Bye. 'Bye. 'Bye. 'Bye. 'Bye. Cheers. Come back, they all do. Don't they? What a weekend! We've got sun and atmosphere - that's weather! Good weather! Sun, sun, sun. Yes, it's going...wow! It's got my watch! Turn off the magnet. I got it. Ahh! OK, we got...turn off the magnet! Now the financial report. '89 Mercedes up $4000 at $28,640. '88 Mercedes unchanged at $26,100. And cut. Let's run it back, see what we got. You gonna run that on Saturday, Jesse? You gonna run that on Saturday, Jesse? Should you be pre-taping the weather The weekends are tough for me to come in. Besides, this is LA. What'll change? THUNDER ^ There are two reasons for the ridiculous detour I was to embark on. See you tomorrow. Thanks. Are you closed? Are you closed? Yeah, sorry. ^The first reason was, a relationship with Sarah was impossible. ^ The second reason was, I was a big, dumb male. I came to pick up some pants. I came to pick up some pants. Yeah? You sold me a pair of pants. You sold me a pair of pants. I remember. You just want to pick them up? Yeah. Yeah. I can get them for you. Yeah. I can get them for you. That'd be great. It wouldn't be so bad if you had to come back. I don't have my ticket. I don't have my ticket. That's OK, I remember what they look like. God, I'm getting all wet. I'll be right back. THUNDER They're not ready yet. Want us to call you when they are? They're not ready yet. Want us to call you when they are? That'd be great. What's the number? What's the number? Oh. I'll write it. Do you have any paper? Do you have any paper? Ah, no. Here. I'll have them call you when they're ready. Probably tomorrow. I'll have them call you when they're ready. Probably tomorrow. OK. All right. Burgers the way they're meant to be. Meet the all-new King Meaty at BK. With Ploughman's Chutney, a third-pound Angus beef patty, Tendercrisp chicken, bacon and a hint of vegetable. It's all part of the irresistible new Meatatarian Range. Burgers the way they're meant to be. . PHONE RINGS Expecting a call? Expecting a call? (MEOW) ROCK MUSIC # Wild thing, you make my heart sing...# Were you shocked? Were you shocked? Shocked but glad. I could tell you wanted to ask for my number, so I asked for yours. I didn't know I wanted your number till too late. I didn't know I wanted your number till too late. I went to this psychic once... and he told me I have this special fifth sense about things. If you mean about guys wanting your number, wouldn't any guy want it? If you mean about guys wanting your number, wouldn't any guy want it? That's sweet. Hey, whacky weather guy! How ya doin'? Hey, whacky weather guy! How ya doin'? Hi. I can't help being nervous out here. I can't help being nervous out here. Why? You're not doing anything wrong You must have a boyfriend. You must have a boyfriend. He doesn't care. He can't care. He says even though we should live together, we should see other people But it backfires on him every once in a while. Where is he now? Where is he now? He's over there. What?! What?! Don't worry, it's his idea. This is him! This is him! Stop it. (WEAKLY) Hi. Do you want my phone number? Do you want my phone number? No, that would be a disaster. If I had your number, I might call you. It's 555-2312. Say it back. It's 555-2312. Say it back. No. Stop. I don't want to know it. 555-2312. Say it back. Stop. You'll make me memorise it. No. 555-2312. Jeez. Now I know it. 555-2312. What was your name? What was your name? SanDeE. What was your name? SanDeE. I'm sorry, Sandy. It's a nice name. Everybody has such weird names now. It's like Tiphani and Nancine. It's big 'S', small 'a', small 'n', big 'D', small 'e', big 'E'. What? What? Big 'S', small 'a', small 'n', big 'D', small 'e', big 'E'. Big 'S', small 'a', small 'n', big 'D', small 'e', big 'E'. And there's a star at the end. (SLURPS) # You made me cry... # When you said 'goodbye'. # Ain't that a shame. # My tears fell like rain...# When I got out of class I decided to call you. What class are you taking? What class are you taking? I'm studying to be a spokesmodel. What is a spokesmodel? What is a spokesmodel? It's just a model who speaks and points at things. Like merchandise. Like a car or sometimes it's small like a book. They have classes for that? They have classes for that? Yeah. It's harder than it looks. Hi, I'm Bob. I'll be your robber. Hi, I'm Bob. I'll be your robber. Hi. How are you? Hi, I'm Bob. I'll be your robber. Hi. How are you? Thank you. How long are the classes? How long are the classes? About three hours. What made you want to be a spokesmodel? What made you want to be a spokesmodel? I always like pointing. ROLAND: Why won't you sleep with me? ROLAND: Why won't you sleep with me? SARAH: You don't sleep with your ex-husband. It happens all the time. It might be just like it was. It happens all the time. It might be just like it was. That would be terrible. Come on. We're a perfect match. Come on. We're a perfect match. Just because our mothers hunt together doesn't make us a match. That's not what I'm saying. Your mother shot my mother... That's not what I'm saying. Your mother shot my mother... It was an accident. with a 12-bore shotgun. with a 12-bore shotgun. It was only in the foot. You're the only normal one in the family. Remember when your mother found out whose dog was crapping on her lawn? She put their name on a flag and stuck it in the middle of the pile. I'm the only sane thing in your life I'm the only sane thing in your life Yes, possibly. I want you back. I'll cook, sew... Just give me one weekend. We'll go away and see how it is. Will you come? I went roller skating once, at the Brooklyn Rollerdrome. It was awful. I couldn't stop or turn. I slammed into this 8-foot-tall black guy, in an emerald green jumpsuit. I said "Sorry. Could you help me?" And he looked down at me and said... "Little lady, let your mind go and your body will follow". Well, how was that? Well, how was that? It was very nice. Thanks. I hope I wasn't too young in my thinking. What? What? Joke. Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie. Hey, SanDee. I don't put pressure on you, do I? I don't put pressure on you, do I? No. I don't pressure you, do I? No. I don't think there should be any pressure. No. I don't think there should be any pressure. No. Tell me if I pressure you. You too, but don't feel you have to. Have you ever had a high-colonic? Have you ever had a high-colonic? Pardon me? Have you ever had a high-colonic? Pardon me? A high-colonic. You mean an enema? You mean an enema? Yeah. I'm waiting for you to say 'joke'. I'm waiting for you to say 'joke'. They're great. They purify you. A place in Santa Monica does it. This where you live? This where you live? Yeah, yeah. Here. It's really groovy. Well,...goodnight. Goodnight. WOLF WHISTLE 'Bye. See ya. PHONE RINGS BEEP Hello? TRUDI: Take me off that Goddamned speaker phone! TRUDI: Take me off that Goddamned Relax. It's just a modern-day device. I have to see you. You were with someone else last night You were with someone else last night Yes. There was no shower? There was no shower? There was. I didn't go. Having sex with my agent again. I've told you a thousand times... Having sex with my agent again. I've told you a thousand times... How'd you know?! I was right? I was right? I was making a bad joke. My agent, Frank? And this is how I find out? You tell me?! He isn't happy about it either. We just decided I should tell you. I thought he was only supposed to take 10%. I thought he was only supposed to take 10%. We were here. Then afterwards... After he made love to you, what? After he made love to you, what? We went to the Hard Rock Cafe. What time? What time? I don't know, 11.30. I had to tell you in case anyone saw us there. It was a dumb thing to do. How long has this been going on? How long has this been going on? Three years. Three years?! Three years?! I'm sorry. This has been going on since the '80s SAD VIOLIN MUSIC I'm sorry. I can't be here right now. VIBRANT MUSIC VIBRANT MUSIC Yes! LA, I love ya! I'm out of my relationship and my agency. And I only had to be a sucker for three years. If I could only get out of doing the weather. Will you stop this predicting stuff? Have you always been a freeway sign? Or did you start as a stop sign and work your way up? 'I was reincarnated from a bagpipe?' Oh. All right. HORRIBLE BAGPIPE NOISES If you get your voice back, will you stop predicting? Yes. So I pre-taped the weather and some weekend sailors lost some boats. If they're rich enough to have boats, they're rich enough to lose them. What kind of asshole sailor would trust the Whacky Weatherman anyway? What kind of asshole sailor would trust the Whacky Weatherman anyway? This one. You lost your boat? You lost your boat? Yes. You're fired. I never want to see you again. I said, I never want to see you again. You're fired. 'The weather will change your life twice.' That's once. Heard you and Trudi broke up. Always figured your relationship was a two. DING ^ If your love life is ruining your day, go to see your best friend and ruin her day. Trudi wasn't for me. The only good times we had were having sex and watching TV. If you can find someone you can have sex with and watch TV, you've really got something. What happened to my plant?! Anybody else on the horizon? Anybody else on the horizon? There's someone I like, but it's impossible. Does she like you? Does she like you? Umm. I dunno. Why don't you call this SanDeE girl? INDIAN MUSIC Thanks a lot. It was great. So? What do you think? I think it was a total washout. I think it was a total washout. God, it really clears out your head. Head? You should tell them they're doing it wrong. It was a great luncheon enema. Thanks So, are you gonna see me again? So, are you gonna see me again? Yeah, sure. If you want to. When? When? Umm. Is Friday OK? When? Umm. Is Friday OK? Yeah. OK. Where do you want to go? OK. Where do you want to go? There's a great new restaurant on Sunset. Umm, L'Idiot? I've heard of that. Sure. L'Idiot, you and me, on Friday. I've heard of that. Sure. L'Idiot, you and me, on Friday. OK. Whoa! Hello, L'Idiot? I'd like to make reservations for two on Friday. Hello, L'Idiot? I'd like to make reservations for two on Friday. ^ (LAUGHS) Saturday? Saturday? ^ (LAUGHS LOUDER) Sunday? Ah, good. 8.30? 5.30 or 10.30? Umm, 5.30. Visa. I'm a weatherman. Yes, I'm on TV. Renting. I just sold a condo. Yes, in this soft market! I don't see how that's any bus... In the low 50s. Yeah, I could meet you there at three. DRAMATIC MUSIC I have Visa and I have Mastercard. I have Visa and I have Mastercard. Zey all haf Visa and Mastercard. I think what Mr Pardue is looking for is more than a promise to pay. He's looking for a depth in your financial sea, so to speak. Let us make zis easier. Suppose you get a reservation. Suppose you come to the restaurant and we honour it. What do you zink you might order? Well, umm... I might like to have the duck. I might like to have the duck. He can't have zee duck. I might like to have the duck. He can't have zee duck. You can't have zee duck. Why? Why? You zink with a financial statement like zis you can have zee duck? Where do you summer? What do you mean? What do you mean? Where do you spend your summers? Right here. Right here. Huh. He can have the chicken. Right here. Huh. He can have the chicken. You can have the chicken. But I can't tell my date what to order. But I can't tell my date what to order. You can urge 'er in one direction. Either we go there and she orders what she wants or let's forget it. Sacre bleu. All right. I like a little gamble. We can take you in... eight weeks. SanDeE, I've heard bad things about L'Idiot. I checked it out and the chef had an open sore on his lip. I know I did. I'm really sorry. What if we went away for the weekend, like Santa Barbara? What if we went away for the weekend, like Santa Barbara? YAY!!! You're totally beautiful! . Roland thinks LA is a place for the brain dead. He says if you turn off the sprinklers, it'll turn into a desert But I think...I dunno. It's not what I expected. It's a place where they've taken a desert and turned it into their dreams. ^ I think LA is a place of secrets; secret houses, secret lives, secret pleasures. ^ No one is looking to the outside to see if what they do is all right. So what do you say, Roland? So what do you say, Roland? It's still a place for the brain dead. Why do you have to be so snotty? I think you're just being superior. I've met some intelligent people in Los Angeles. ZANY MUSIC THUD THUD OW! Good Lord! Good Lord! God! I'm sorry. Are you...? Good Lord! God! I'm sorry. Are you...? Oh. Hi. This is one of the people I was talking about. Harris Telemacher, this is Roland Mackay. Have you tried the Gugenheim? Have you tried the Gugenheim? I get that. Because it's circular and goes downhill. I got it! Oh. Hi. I got it! Oh. Hi. Ariel, this is Roland Mackay and Sarah McDowell. Hi. I loved your whacky TV bit. Hi. I loved your whacky TV bit. I loved yours too. But I didn't... But I didn't... I can explain this. But I didn't... I can explain this. Oh, I see. That's marvellously funny You have a lot of verve. 'Verve'? Would you like to walk with us? I like the relationships. Each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to ignore that. The way he's holding her is almost filthy. He's about to kiss her, and she's pulling away. The way his leg's sort of smashed up against her. Look how he's painted her blouse, sort of translucent. You can just see her breast. And it's touching him about here. It's really pretty torrid, don't you think? Then you have the onlookers peeking from behind the door like they're shocked. They wish. I must admit, when I see a painting like this I get emotionally erect. LAUGHTER All the paintings of food made me hungry. I could eat some paintings of food myself. Well, it was fun. Well, it was fun. Yes. Lovely to meet you. Well, it was fun. Yes. Lovely to meet you. Nice to meet you. What were you doing in there? What were you doing in there? That's the girl I told you about. What were you doing in there? That's the girl I told you about. You've blown it. Let's all go somewhere for dinner? I've heard of meeting someone, then going out to dinner, but it's never happened to me. (QUIETLY) This guy loves this stuff. (QUIETLY) This guy loves this stuff. Everybody does. We could stop by L'Idiot. We could stop by L'Idiot. Great. I've heard about it. It's impossible to get into L'Idiot. It's impossible to get into L'Idiot. There's a phone. Back in a jiff. Suit yourself. I've got to go meet June. Can they take you home? I've got to go meet June. Can they take you home? I don't want to impose. It's no problem. We've got two cars. It's no problem. We've got two cars. Good. Ariel, excuse me. Are you coming? Ariel, excuse me. Are you coming? Nope, I can't. Ariel, excuse me. Are you coming? Nope, I can't. Dinner for three. It's all set. How shall we do this? It's all set. How shall we do this? He can come with me since you know where it is. Yeah. I know where it is and she doesn't and that would be perfect. If I went with you, there'd be two people who know where it is. Is Roland your boyfriend? Is Roland your boyfriend? No. Just friends. Is Roland your boyfriend? No. Just friends. That's good. I mean, that's fine. Right side. Right side! RIGHT SIDE! (SCREAMS) I don't think he can hear you. CAMERAS CLICK TRANQUIL MUSIC Your usual table, Mr Christopher? Your usual table, Mr Christopher? No. I'd like a good one this time. Your usual table, Mr Christopher? No. I'd like a good one this time. That is impossible. Part of the new cruelty? Part of the new cruelty? I'm afraid so. Table 253. Cruelty. Yes?! What do you want?! Would you like to hear our specials? # I'll tell you what we've got to eat. # We've got primavera pasta, six different kinds of meat. # We've got side cuts, end cuts, covered with a goo... # Called Hollandaise, bernaise and we can broil it too. I've finished and I don't remember eating. # We've got crab cakes, zucchini flakes, artichokes and more. # Santa Barbara oysters... # Spicy guacamole and a brilliant case of deer. # We got goat cheese pizza... Floss? Floss? I'll have floss. Diet or regular? Diet or regular? Regular. # We got hot bread, field and new potatoes and a hundred different ways to cook a couple of potatoes. # If the service is appalling because the place is packed... # Ask me, I'm Shan, your waiter and I also act. # HUBBUB Forget 'em! They're nobodies. I'll take you home, I love close to you. I'll take you home, I love close to you. What? I live close to you. I live close to you. Are you sure Roland won't..? I live close to you. Are you sure Roland won't..? The cars are here. I'll take him home, he lives close to me. Are you sure? Are you sure? No problem. All right. That's perfect since I live in the Valley. Maybe I should take a cab. The drive over was a bit risky. Maybe I should take a cab. The drive over was a bit risky. Don't be silly. Get in. Promise you'll see me this weekend. I will. I promise. See you at the weekend. 'Bye. 'Bye. 'Bye. Right side! Right side! Right side! Right side! CAR HORNS HONK (PANTING) It was fun. It was fun. Yes, it was. I like Roland a lot. I like Roland a lot. Yes. He's nice, isn't he? I think it's interesting that you can have a relationship with a man that's friendly, not sexual. So, good night. Good night. LEAVES RUSTLE Your car's rolling! It's locked! It's locked here too. It's locked here too. Where are the keys? It's locked here too. Where are the keys? In the car. What are they doing in the car? What are they doing in the car? They're in the ignition. How'd the car get locked? How'd the car get locked? I didn't lock it. How do we stop it rolling? How do we stop it rolling? Are we on a hill? How do we stop it rolling? Are we on a hill? Yes, but it slopes the other way. I got it. This'll get us...oh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I think I know what this is. Get in. What? What? Get in. What? Get in. I most certainly won't. You can trust me. (SCREAMS) No, I didn't... Here, it's all right. Stay in, stay in. All right, just... I think we're fine. Don't claw me. You get over here. Let me not drive. You get over here. Let me not drive. What makes you think you can drive? This is the sign I told you about. What is it? I think I've figured out the moving car. I read an article about induction. You can produce electric currents in rabbits,... pass a strong magnetic field along their bodies. What I think it could be... My head hurts. I think I should go. You want to come in? Why? Why? Yeah, sorry. Umm, moving too fast. But we should see each other again. But we should see each other again. Yes. I suppose. Well, what's today? Well, what's today? Thursday. The weekend? The weekend? Oh. I'm supposed to see my ex this weekend. I'm sorry, I promised. I've got a few things to untangle this weekend too. My mother has a bridge luncheon and I should be there. I'm going to a fundraising dinner tomorrow. It's formal, but I thought to take a hog like you would be fantastic. Not a date, just a do. You interested? Not a date, just a do. You interested? All right. Right. So I'll take that as a yes. Right. So I'll take that as a yes. OK. Right. So I'll take that as a yes. OK. Great. 'Bye. 'Bye. 'Bye. It's wonderful you see your mother. It reminds me I should see mine. Yeah. You've got your ex and I've got the bridge thing, so... PHONE DIALS DIAL TONE ^ Hello? ^ Hello? Hello, Mum. ^ Hello? Hello, Mum. ^ Hello, darling. How are you? Fine. Are you busy? ^ Yes. I'm making 56 papier mache hats. Do you feel like playing something? Do you feel like playing something? ^ Always, darling. The usual? PLAY 'DO-WAH-DIDDY' ON TUBA AND ORGAN 'Night-night, Mum. 'Night-night, Mum. ^ Good night, darling. . BIRDS TWITTER TUBA MUSIC TUBA GETS LOUDER DOOR BELL BUZZES Hi. Hi. Hi. You play the tuba? You play the tuba? No. I used to. I do, but not now. I mean, I was before you arrived. I forgot something. Just a minute. TUBA PLAYS TWO NOTES TUBA PLAYS TWO NOTES Ready. Are you all right? Are you all right? Yeah. I'm just going out too much. I shouldn't be going out tonight. I feel like I never stay home. Are you upset about last night? Are you upset about last night? No. I understand it. My car started moving and 10 minutes later your tongue was in my mouth. My car started moving and 10 minutes It wasn't my tongue, it was a lozenge My mouth shouldn't be accepting other people's lozenges right now. You're a passionate person, but you deny it. Why don't you give in to it? Well, you don't. Well, you don't. What? I can hardly contain myself when I'm around you. That's the trouble. You're roller skating, you're amusing yourself and your friends and me. It's just a lot of noise, isn't it? It's just a lot of noise, isn't it? What do you mean? It's just a lot of noise, isn't it? What do you mean? It's your way of not getting hurt. Are you saying we should forget it? Are you saying we should forget it? If that's what you want, fine. Full service, or self-service? Full service, or self-service? Full service, Tony. FULL SERVICE! ZANY MUSIC ...and I knew it was a great project. If the city were to partially finance my private museum, it would be a great bonus to the people. And so, I met with Ron. Ron, I toast you. Are you all right? Are you all right? I feel a little dizzy. What's the matter? What's the matter? I should get some air. I feel sick. I'll take him outside. And Ron felt like I did. What's the matter? What's the matter? I don't know. Something in my head or my heart or my stomach. Is there anything I can do? I can't. This is how Mummy met Daddy Let your mind go and your body will follow. SNAP ^ And now, let us all move forward with great enthusiasm... to build the greatest private museum in the world. APPLAUSE Are you feeling better? Are you feeling better? Much better, thank you. Are you feeling better? Much better, thank you. Yes, thanks. ^ We didn't know what to say, so we wandered and had the kind of small talk conversation... ^ necessary to cover over what had happened. The station wants me back to anchor the news. No laughing or chit-chat. I'm nervous about it. ^ There I was jabbering at her about anything at all... ^ but all I could think was wonderful, wonderful, most wonderful and yet again wonderful. # Strange how my heart bleeds... # To find myself upon your shore. # Strange how I still feel... # My loss of comfort gone before. # Cruel waves wash over... # and drift away with dreams of you. # So time is stolen... # I cannot hold you long enough. # PARROT SQWAKS CHAINSAW BUZZES CHAINSAW BUZZES ^ Ahh! Ow! Ow! Hey! Who wrote the Tonight Show theme? Ah, Paul Anka. Ah, Paul Anka. Yes! Where are we staying when we get there? Where are we staying when we get there? Umm, I just.. Umm... Don't bounce. I just came to tell you I can't go away with you. I just can't. Shit. Shit. I'm seeing someone. We've got something going. It wouldn't be right for me to go away with you. I'm sorry. Oh, well. So are you seeing her this weekend? No. She's got an obligation to her ex-husband to see if they can get it back together. What? She's seeing someone else? What? She's seeing someone else? Yes! She's going away with him! Yes! God. Share how that makes you feel. God. Share how that makes you feel. Share how it makes me feel?! I hate it. Especially since I've been working out. Look at the effort I put in. But it's fair, because she had this obligation before we met. You had this obligation before you met her, so why should you suffer? You had this obligation before you met her, so why should you suffer? No, no. So go away with me. I can't. I'd be using you to get even with her for going away with him. I don't mind. I don't mind. Let's go. I don't mind. Let's go. Great. Woo! We'll be in Santa Barbara in an hour. I booked into the El Polo Del Mar. It's supposed to be beautiful. Wave to Jack. It's supposed to be beautiful. Wave to Jack. 'Bye. There's a million stars there and I want to spin on the beach. They have a beach for spinning. It should be just a vacation, just friends. I don't think we should make love. I don't think we should make love. OK, we'll just have sex. OK. What was Sam Spade's partner's name? OK. What was Sam Spade's partner's name? Archer. I thought we might bump into people we know at the San Isidro, so I booked us into the El Polo Del Mar. I'm so looking forward to this. I'm so looking forward to this. Me too. SanDeE: Who knew Groucho's secret word? HARRIS: Groucho's secret word? I give up. Umm...The duck. Umm...The duck. The duck! Say the secret word and divide $100. ROLAND: When the Vitchenstein house was built in Austria, the philosophy of language had hit the bauhaus. SARAH: I saw the house a few of years ago. OK. Who played 'the Beav'? OK. Who played 'the Beav'? Ahh, Jerry Mathers. 'Oh, wind. If winter comes, can spring be far behind?' Beautiful. Who was Howdy Doodee's closest friend? Buffalo Bob. Buffalo Bob. Yes! Good. Thank you. Oh, my God. This is fantastic. Do they have a pool here? They do have a pool. There's the pool I love this place! Oh, my God! Isn't this breeze the greatest?! Woo! Woo! It really feels great. I love hotel sheets. They feel so good against your skin. I'll put your bag in here. I'll put your bag in here. Come here first. Thanks. Come here again. SanDeE, your breasts feel weird. SanDeE, your breasts feel weird. That's 'cause they're real. When I get this shoe off... All right. I should warn you that... What? What? I'm old and it could take a while... Oh, my God! I'm young again. It's been great to see you again. It's been great to see you again. Nice seeing you too. How are you? I'm confused. Hey, listen to this. Hey, listen to this. What? Hey, listen to this. What? Listen. WHOOPING AND GRUNTING HARRIS: Oh, my God! Oh, my God. No, no, no. Listen. No, no, no. Listen. (SanDeE moans) What on earth are they doing? What on earth are they doing? Oh, God. They're going crazy. Sarah (!) PANTING MOANING (SIGHS) Before we left, Jack said he wants to make our relationship exclusive. He's not gonna go out any more? He never did. He couldn't get a date. Seeing me going out drove him nuts. What will you do? What will you do? I don't know. I really like him, even though he's not smart. BANGING AND MOANING Listen. Listen. What? To the wall. To the wall. What is it? To the wall. What is it? Somebody's doing it. How beautiful. They're really excited. They must be cheating on someone. Woo! Key. I don't believe it. Are you staying here? I don't believe it. Are you staying here? Yes, we are. There goes our cover. There's no such thing as a secret. There goes our cover. There's no such thing as a secret. I think there is. Oh. Roland, this is SanDeE. SanDeE, this is Roland. And this is Sarah. Where are you headed? Where are you headed? To the restaurant. Why don't you join us? Why don't you join us? That would be neat. Why don't you join us? That would be neat. No. You guys should be alone. We can't sit in the same restaurant and pretend to be alone. Come on. We can't sit in the same restaurant and pretend to be alone. Come on. Oh, cool! Hi. Hi. Hello. CLANGING What's that clanging sound? What's that clanging sound? It's a nusiance. It's my testicles. . Is it OK to spin here? Is it OK to spin here? Yeah, sure. Shall I get your sweater? I'm cold. Shall I get your sweater? I'm cold. Yes, thanks. Shall I get your sweater? I'm cold. Yes, thanks. I'll run up and get it. Harris, do you want to come with me? Harris, do you want to come with me? Yeah, sure. On second thoughts, I'll just stay here. Back in a flash. You big fat liar! Here I am thinking you're with your ex-husband and you're giving it to my best friend. Roland's not your best friend! Roland's not your best friend! We're very close! Roland's not your best friend! We're very close! You've never seen him without me! That doesn't matter. There's a bond among men. Anyway, there's two liars here. Anyway, there's two liars here. Yeah? Roland is my ex-husband. OK, one! Hey, you guys. Watch. Great. Great. Thank you. Why didn't you say you just broke up with someone? Why didn't you say you just broke up with someone? How do you know I just broke up? When men break up, they always run around with someone who's too young. She's not young. She'll be 27 in four years. I tried to get out of it. All I can think about is you. So that's why you fucked her this afternoon? So that's why you fucked her this afternoon? Yes! I know it doesn't make sense. Do you know how it made me feel hearing you with someone else? You didn't know it was me till later You didn't know it was me till later Yeah, but I projected back when I found out. < Coming! We're so close. We're this close to it. Stay here in LA. How would it work if I stayed? We'd take it easy for the first couple of days. Then marriage, kids, I don't know. And if I were to go? All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power,... I would turn the winds around, I would roll in the fog, I would bring in storms,... I would change the polarity of the Earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off. Coming! Coming! Woo! This is everything I didn't want: pain, lying complications. I'm hot from running now. Let's walk down the pier. I'm hot from running now. Let's walk down the pier. Oh, cool. Do you ever wonder why the water doesn't just fly off into the sky? Do you want this in the trunk or up front? Do you want this in the trunk or up front? That? Up front. Hi. Hi. Hello. What's the matter? I'm OK. I've been working on Sarah to come back with me. I'm her ex-husband. That's a difference between England and America. The English have civil relationships with their exes. Americans kill them She told me she doesn't think it's right. Really? Really? She's been seeing some American. Really? She's been seeing some American. Yeah. That can happen. She's not going with him. She's going back to London. She's not going with him. She's going back to London. Oh. I so wanted this to work out. I wanted a relationship. Like you and SanDeE have. I can become the kind of person it's worth you staying for! I'm a man who can cry. Usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start. Something would make you stay, some move, the right word. But these are all tricks, so let's forgo that. Let's assume that whatever would make you stay has occurred... and my hand has gone down your throat and grabbed your heart and squoze it. There comes a time in everyone's life when it's now or never. Let me read. "Oh, pointy birds, oh pointy, pointy..." And now, here's Maurice Frost with his cinema review. The film Slice Up Mommy is an effort to intertwine the psychological nature of film... I'd like to turn this car in, please Now, the weather report. Sunny. 72. And that's the weather. Our next weather report will be in four days. We'll be right back after this commercial ad placement. Why is it we don't always recognise the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS Good evening. Your final destination is London? # Winter has come too... # Too close beside me. # How can I chase the wind? # All these fears deep inside. # FLUTE PLAYS # I'll wait, their signs to come. # I'll find a way. # I will wait, their time to come. # I'll find a way. # That's twice. THUNDER ROLLS ^ Forget for this moment the smog, cars, restaurants and the skating and remember only this:... ^ a kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true. Wow! That was really something! It was fantastic. It was... It was fantastic. It was... It had real class. Is there anything we can do to thank you? Name it. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Done. I never could figure out the riddle though. When you unscramble 'how Daddy is doing'. It's too tough for me. It's too tough for me. I know what it is. It's an English crossword clue. You rearrange the letters of 'how Daddy is doing'. Let's see. Put the S in front of the H. Move the ING after the S. Put the DO up after them. < Swap the H and the S. And put the I behind the D and... 'Sing doo wah diddy.' 'Sing doo wah diddy'? That's the mystery of the ages?! I sat up nights working on that. But I forgive you. There's one thing I need to know. Did you do this? Did I do this? How did this happen? BAGPIPES PLAY 'AMAZING GRACE' Hey! You got your voice back. MUSIC SWELLS ^ There are only two things in my life I will never forget. One, is that there is someone for everyone,... even if you need a pickaxe, compass and night goggles to find them. The other is tonight when I learned that romance does exist deep in the heart of LA. Subtitles by Paul Moor. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017