www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 # "Latin Thugs" - Cypress Hill (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO) (SPEAKS SPANISH) Where's Manny? Tell him the ice cream man is here. (SPEAKS SPANISH) (SPEAKS SPANISH) Come in. Baila conmigo! Baila conmigo! Freeze! Hammer time! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Hey. Can we get down to business? You got the money? Aqui. # Guantanamera # Guajira guantanamera # Guajira guantanamera # Guajira guantanamera # Tell him. He said that he's not gonna give you one last cent until you tell him what flavour ice cream! Vanilla. What you ordered. (MUMBLES) OK. Yes, yes, yes! Sorry about the Benjamins, baby! (LAUGHS) Bring in the stuff. Bring in the stuff! (BOTH LAUGH / SPEAK SPANISH) There's your ice cream. Ah! Un momento. Tell him, I see coming. Coming. He say ga-la-la-la-la-la-la! Macho, pappy. I tell him. I say, Jesus! Como se llama? Por que? He coming in and he say, he say, # La-la-la-la-la bamba Se necesita una poca de gracia # He say, FBI. You're under arrest. He's gonna run. No, he ain't. You owe me a dollar. Hey, where you going, big boy? Wah! Damn! Now I'm gonna bust your ass. Is that all your big ass got? Enough! Kevin! Uh-uh. Kevin! Alright. You two, over here. Right now. I swear, I'll shoot both of you. Kevin! Damn, Marcus. Why you always gotta pick the biggest dude? I dunno. I like a challenge. See? What did I tell you, huh? We did it, right? Yeah. Huh? Didn't I tell you? Huh? You the man. No help, no backup. We gonna get all the credit. The biggest bust of our career. Yeah. 400 keys of pure... ..vanilla ice cream? What? Hey, yo, my man! Hey. Where's the drugs? I don't know nothing about drugs. I sell ice cream. Strawberry, vanilla, Neapolitan, for example. Hey, tell Manny his ice cream delivery is here. Never mind. Wrong store. (BOTH) FBI! Freeze! Marcus! I'm good! They're moving! Let's go! (ALL SHOUT) (TYRES SCREECH) Which one? I don't know! God! Damn! I told you we should call for backup. You know the chief's gonna kill us, right? Let me, er, give you guys a little tip. If you're gonna operate outside the channels, y'know, do the whole renegade cop thing, you might wanna make sure that you get the right guy. Well, chief, we almost had the guy. Our intelligence was just a little off. Just - Wait a minute. Intelligence? Look around you, Copeland. There's nothing intelligent about this! I'm tired of your escapades. I don't want to be the laughing stock of the Bureau - (PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Hello? Baby, I can't talk. The chief is chewing my ass. I'll call back. Bye. Sorry, chief. As I was saying... (PHONE RINGS) Gordon here. Yes, he is. It's for you. Thank you. Er, baby, I'm still with the chief. No, he's really not happy now. OK, I gotta go. Bye. Thanks, chief. You guys are... Get this place cleaned up. I expect to have a full report on my desk tomorrow. Yes. Yes, sir. And in the meantime, I'll check with the Bureau to see if they have any openings... in Iraq. The dynamic duo strikes again. Way to go, Baskin and Robbin. (BOTH LAUGH) Or is it Hag en Daaz? Ha-ha! Hag en Daaz! Whoo-hoo. You wrote that? That's funny. That's good. I like that. Later, Hag. Adios, Daaz. I hate those guys. Oh, God. Alright, well, let's get this place cleaned up. Alright. OK, so, well, you do the floor, clean all the ice cream up and I'll go warm the car up. OK. OK. So much for a hot meal. Hey, baby. Don't "Hey, baby" me. You had me sitting here all night worried about you! All night? Baby, it's only 8 o'clock. Look, after work me and Kevin went to the bar for a couple of drinks. I know. I called the bar. They said you left at 7:45. I checked Map Quest, Marcus. It takes six minutes from here so if you've got somebody on the side, you need to tell me. Baby, listen to what you just said. Map Quest said it takes six minutes. I got here in eight which means there's two minutes unaccounted for. If I was cheating, don't you think I'd need more than two minutes? You know what? I ain't gonna deal with this. I'm tired, OK? I had a long day at work. I got shot at. See, that is exactly what I'm talking about. We don't communicate! OK, fine. You wanna communicate? Yes. Come on. Let's communicate, OK? OK. Let's start with last week. Last week? You and I were supposed to go shopping together. We get to the mall. I buy this beautiful dress. I get my hair done. You don't say anything. I dunno, maybe you just don't wanna - Marcus! Hm? Did you hear me just now? Mm-hm. Tell me what I said. I heard everything. You was communicating. Don't play with me. I am not in the mood. I cannot believe you came home late and - Marcus! (SNORTS) You are falling asleep again? I am talking to you! I wasn't asleep. I was closing my eyes and visualising your words. Really? Visualising? Mm-hm. Paint me a picture of what I just said. Hold on. You know why? Cos you are falling asleep again! Marcus! Marcus! (SNORES) We received this from Mr Andrew Wilson, CEO of Wilson Cruiselines. It was delivered to his home. The girls in the photo are his daughters and heiresses to the Wilson fortune. We believe they are the kidnapper's next victim. Mr Wilson has given us permission to shadow his daughters. We gonna set up surveillance and if the kidnapper strikes this time we will be ready. The Wilson sisters will be flying into JFK this morning. So, who's gonna pick them up? OK. Obviously everyone has read the profile on the girls. Still, somebody's gotta do it. I don't think this is a good idea. Kevin. I don't care, OK? We deserve to be on this case as much as Gomez and Harper. We don't wanna interrupt a briefing! Somebody gotta stand up to him. Kevin. Kevin! Chief. What? Marcus has something he wanna tell you. Erm, chief, we wanted to know if we could get on the case. You're on. The boys over at Intel seem to think the kidnapper's a guy named Ted Burton. It says Burton was a partner of Wilson's and some others in a business venture that failed. Says he spent time in a federal pen and lost his fortune. The guy's been MIA since his release and those dates coincide with the first kidnapping. What do you think? This baby-sitting sucks. Dude, relax. Look, man, all we gotta do is pick these chicks up, drop their ass off in the Hamptons and we're back. I didn't join the FBI to become a nanny. I wanna be out on the street where the action is. You'll get there. But can we do this first? Alright. You didn't put dairy in this, did you? No. I'm lactose intolerant. Last time I barely made it to the bathroom. Why would I wanna disturb your stomach? (LAUGHS) There goes your girls. Come on, man. Let's do this. # Miss Wilson, you must be worth a trillion bucks # Get the feeling that you don't really give a... Hi, I'm Kevin Copeland. We already gave to the United Negro Fund. Yeah. What? Wait, wait. Excuse us. We're actually here to escort you ladies to the Hamptons. Oh. Bags on the plane. Would you take Baby and clean out his bag? He didn't have his colonic and he, like, pooped everywhere. # Ski this town like a bunny slope (DOG GROWLS) What's this? Baby gotta ride in the car seat. And where the hell am I supposed to sit? This ain't right. (TYRES SCREECH) Agh! Man, you guys sure got a lot of bags for a weekend. This isn't A weekend. It's THE weekend. Labor Day in the Hamptons. The last weekend of the social season. Only the hottest people are gonna be there. And only the hottest of the hottest will make it onto the cover of Hamptons Magazine. And this is our year. Yeah. Er, open the window. Baby likes a little fresh breeze. I just hope the Vandergeld's private jet crashes on the way there. Oh, my God, Brittany. You were thinking it! I know but you said it! I know, I know. You know Heather totally hates you cos you slept with her boyfriend. God, so what? I sleep with everyone's boyfriend. (WHIMPERS) (BOTH SCREAM) (WHIMPERS) (TYRES SCREECH / HORN BLARES) (WHIMPERS) (HORN BLARES) (BOTH GASP) Is everybody alright? Oh, my God! Your lip! Oh, my God! Your nose! (BOTH SCREAM) Marcus? Are you OK? I'm cool. 1 I can't believe you think we're gonna go to the Hamptons with my face looking like that! It's not that bad. Just get some makeup and cover it up. Put makeup on this?! I am so frickin' pissed. Oh, my God, this is, like, the worst day of my life! I went to go get my brows done and I told her to make me look like J-Lo and then that frickin' Russian toad made me look like Liza Minnelli! Oh, my God! I'm gonna have a BF. Wait, hey, what's a BF? She's gonna have a bitch fit! Get out of here! I am gonna call your boss! You don't have to do that. I'll call the owner of the company! Come on, take it easy. We can work this out. No! I'm gonna write a letter. No. No! No! Please don't write a letter. Look, just calm down! Just stay here. Stay here the whole weekend. Do whatever you want but whatever you do, do not leave this room cos if you leave this room, everyone will see those hideous scars. Scar?! Scar?! Oh, my God! Permanent damage! (BOTH WAIL) If I lose this job with these good benefits, Gina's gonna kill me. Well? They won't go. What do you mean they won't go?! They won't go! This weekend in the Hamptons means everything for these girls. They won't show up with a scratched up nose and a busted lip for nobody. OK. It's cool. What are you doing? I'm gonna kill myself before the chief does. Bye. Come on! Don't do that. Stop being ridiculous. I'm not being ridiculous. You heard him. One more screw-up and we're through. I know, man. (PHONE RINGS) That's probably him. What's up, chief? There's something me and Kevin wanna tell you. Yeah, er, chief? Hey. Yeah, me and Marcus, we just wanted to thank you for the opportunity, man. No, we didn't! We really appreciate it. They wanted to stop and get something to eat. He's lying to - Ohh. Yeah. Oh, two, three hours max. Oh, trust me, if I don't have them there in three hours, I'll cut them off and mail them to you myself. Alright. Take care. Bye. (WHIMPERS) Why did you do that? You know them girls ain't gonna be there. Oh, they'll be there. Hey, Josh! How would you like to be part of the team? # Where the White women at? Let's do this. # Girls, well they're hard to find # But I saw a girl who was one of a kind # A White girl who blew my mind # She looked good up front but better from behind # Had a real nice body She might have been snotty # But, so what, the chick was a hottie # I cleared my throat and I went up to get her # Cos she had the look I wanna know better # She was wriggling, giggling, shaking, jiggling # Moving, grooving, dancing, mingling # I said, how you doing? By any chance # Can I have the honour of the next dance... # Agh! Agh! He's right. Make them bigger. # I did a stutter step like Earl the Pearl # But I couldn't keep up cos she shake it like a White girl # Shake it like a White girl Shake it, shake it # Shake it on down # Chief. Mm. They're here. The girls are yours. Stick with them. Don't blow your cover. OK. Are you sure this is gonna work? Just trust me. Follow my lead. Shh! (WOLF-WHISTLES) What's up, man? You got a problem? What you looking at my ass for? Yo, hold my poodle. Hold my poodle! Yo, what's up? Y'all got a problem?! Y'all want some of this? You want some of this?! What, boy? What? I'll take the both of you! Cut it off! He's looking at my ass like I'm a girl! You are a girl! You better start acting like one or you'll be an unemployed girl. Damn! I'd sure like to cut that cake. Mm. Hey, hold this! Hey, are you trying to look at my lumps?! I'll pull off my G-string and handle mine. I'll handle mine! It's Gomez. Welcome to the Royal Hamptons Hotel. The bags are in the car, Jose. The name is Gomez. Whatever. Here, take Baby. Clean out his bag. The poor thing pooped everywhere. And teach him how to say "Yo quiero Taco Bell." Thanks, Rico Suave. Grazi. Thanks, Julio. Right away, ma'am. Sweetie! You've got to slow up with those Cosmos. (LAUGHS) Brittany and Tiffany Wilson. Sorry, erm, erm, they're new. Dr Dorffman did an amazing job. They feel so real. Right, yeah. I just, erm, I need a credit card, please. And some ID, please. Credit card? ID? I'm so frickin' pissed! Ma'am, I... First of all, I got to Dr Dorffman, he totally messes up my nose job. I asked him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow. I get off the surgery table looking like frickin' Shrek! Then I get here and Mr Harper makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party. No, no, I didn't mean to offend you, it's just protocol. I'm gonna have a BF. She's gonna have a bitch fit. Oh. No. No, no, don't have a-a-a BF now. I wanna speak to your supervisor. I'm gonna write a letter! Miss... You are in big trouble. Dear... Mr... ..Royal Hampton. I am a White woman in America. Ladies, is there a problem here? Yeah. Yes. No. Sir, no, no, there's no problem. These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys immediately. Hm? Yes, sir. VIP. Learn your acronyms, OK? (LAUGHS) What a sweetheart! Here you are. Enjoy your stay. Has anyone ever told you you look just like Denzel Washington? (LAUGHS) Actually, I have heard it once or twice. What a beautiful chocolate man! (LAUGHS) Beautiful. Oh, my God. Whoo! That was close. Yeah. (ALL SCREAM) Are they waving at us? I don't know. What we gonna do? Just act friendly. (ALL SCREAM) Oh, my God. Hi. Well, don't act like you don't know us. Karen, Lisa, Tori. Oh, my God! Duh! I haven't seen you in forever! It's only been a year. Did you do something different to your hair? No. You gain weight? No. I know! You just had a birthday! Yeah! (BOTH LAUGH) We knew it. We knew it. No, wait a minute. There is definitely something different about the two of you. (GASPS) Collagen. (ALL GASP) Yeah! You little witch! How did you know?! Duh! It's totally obvious! Your lips went from Cameron Diaz to Jay-Z! Hey, you got taller, too. Oh, erm, we got our knees done. (GASPS) You can do that? You can do that? (GASPS) You should do that! Yes! It was really good seeing you, ladies. Bye. Excuse me. Where do you think you're going? To go freshen up. Yeah. The Hamptons Magazine reception just started. So let's hit it. Hey, check it out. Are those the Wilson sisters? More like the Wilt Chamberlain sisters. And I never noticed how big they are. But I'd still bone! (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. Who's he? Hi. Hi. Are you hitting Karen Googlestein, the soap heiress, too? Shh. How do you keep that shit dangling? I keep telling her I'll break up with my girl. You better hope Heather doesn't find out. She won't. At least until I wrap up this big deal with her father. Mr V! And, look, there they are. The thin-thin twins. They're hot. What, are you blind? That's Heather and Megan Vandergeld, your sworn enemies since you were, I dunno, eight? I totally forgot. Did I say hot? I meant not! I totally hate them. Did you guys hear about Megan? She got stopped by security at Saks trying to pull a Winona. (ALL LAUGH) Megan. Huh? Oh, God. Come on. Excuse me. This is gonna be fun. Move. Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills. It's the Beverly Ho-billies! Squeeze me? Oh, no, you di'n't. I'm sorry but, er, we just saw your new video. Yeah. They had a screening over a Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office. (BOTH LAUGH) Klept-ho-maniac. (BOTH LAUGH) Your mother shops at Saks. What?! Oh, my God! You wanna talk about mothers! You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time! OK. Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a pap smear. Something's wrong, Dr Dre. My koochie's doing a beatbox. Yeah? Well your mother is so stupid she exercises when she could get liposuction or something. Yeah. Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breastfeed like this. (ALL LAUGH) Your mother is so, like... She's so... Megan, you go. Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Restaurant for lunch and orders a nicoise salad and calls it a nic-oys salad! Nic-oys salad, right? Your mother's ass is so hairy it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!" Your mother's so stupid that she goes into Gucci and she tries to buy, like, Fendi and stuff. Megan, Heather, come on. Is this any way to speak to your party guests? Wow, Brittany and Tiffany Wilson. I haven't seen you since you were... smaller. Yeah, well, we're all grown up now. Yeah, I can see that. Ladies, I expect to see you later at the white party. I think it's gonna be the best one ever. We'll be there. Take care. Bye. Bye, Mr V. Good seeing you again. This isn't over yet. This is a long weekend. You'd better watch your back. Ladies. Whatever. You, too. I can't believe you just did that to the Vandergelds. They could take you off the scene just like that! Yeah! But it was so cool, you guys! So cool! (ALL GIGGLE) Isn't that Denise Porter from New York One News? Oh, yeah. I'm working on getting you an interview. Great for your image. I think I'm gonna introduce myself. Do you think now is a good time? It's a perfect time. Wouldn't wanna miss a photo op. Oh! Remember that. See you later. What's wrong? Did you get cramps? Yeah. Do you need a tamp? Heating pad? Hors d'oeuvres? Oh, thank you, Wolfgang Paco. Would you give that to Baby? Thank you. Bye, chico. Bon appetit. Vamanos. I'll have one. Hi. My name is - Brittany Wilson, of course. Yeah! How did you know? Brittany Wilson. Yeah! Well, it's my job to know. Besides, your publicist, Tori, called me non-stop about setting up an interview with you. Well, if I would've known you were so beautiful, I probably would've called you myself. Well, if I wasn't mistaken I'd think you were flirting with me, Miss Wilson. Me? Flirting with you? A girl? Never! (LAUGHS) Sorry, honey, only beef. (LAUGHS) Boy, you're really strong, aren't you? From all that protein. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. These are delicious. You might wanna slow down on the cheese. You mean there's cheese as in dairy cheese? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Yeah, unless you know another way to make quiche. (ALL LAUGH) Erm, ladies, I think I've gotta go to the bathroom. We'll come with. No, no, no. I can handle it myself. Thank you, though. Like we're gonna let you go alone. Yeah! Come on! Time for touch-ups, anyway. Move, bitch! (GROANS) Ooh. (PANTS / FARTS LOUDLY) Oh! Oh, my God, you guys, Heath is here. What should I do? I don't understand what you see in him. He's an out-of-work actor living in a share house and he drives a 3 Series BMW. (FARTS LOUDLY / GROANS) Tori, I really think you need to cut Heath a bit of slack. His aunt just died three years ago. He needs new headshots. He's going through a rough time, OK?! (FARTS) (FARTS LOUDLY) You OK? (FARTING CONTINUES) Everything alright in there? It's fine. Shit. Tiff, we're just gonna meet you outside, OK? (FARTS LOUDLY) OK. Love ya. Ohh. 1 Man, it may be summertime in the Hamptons but it is snowing up in here. Tony, hand me my boots cos I'm about to go skiing. Let's go. Whoosh. Great game last night, Latrell. That's what I do, baby. Now that's what I'm talking about. A White girl with a Black girl's ass. I'm taking that home to Mama. Oh. Pardon me. Santa must have come early this year cos you were first on my Christmas list. Ooh, there it is right there. I wanna know, are you naughty or nice? Sorry, I'm not interested. I'll take that as naughty. Naughty! You know what they say. Once you go black, you gonna need a wheelchair. (LAUGHS) Hey, Latrell. Tony. OK, call me later. As I was saying... Yeah, look, King Kong, why don't you take you and your 1980 pick-up lines, climb to the top of the Empire State Building, beat on your big ol' monkey chest and then jump off? Excuse me. Hold up now, I... Get your hands off me! (SCREAMS) Oh, oh! She don't know it yet, oh, but that's wifey right there. Hello, everybody, for just one second. I'm Warren Vandergeld. I'm sure most of you know me. Just to remind you, tonight's the night of the Vandergeld Foundation's annual charity auction. (APPLAUSE) So bring your cheque book, dress to impress and we'll see you there. Have fun. OK, OK, so, what are you gonna wear? Er, this? (ALL LAUGH) You're so funny. OK, ladies, you know what this means. (ALL) Shopping! (ALL SCREAM) Shopping. Shopping. "And now the most requested song on WQQR." # "A Thousand Miles" - Vanessa Carlton Oh, my God! It's our jam! This is our jam, ladies. Oh, my God! You ready? Yes. Five, six, seven, eight. (ALL) # Making my way downtown Walking fast # Faces passed and I'm homebound # Di-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-nah. # Di-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-nah, di-nah. (ALL) # Staring blankly ahead Just making my way # Making my way Through the crowd Take it, Tiff and Brit! This is your verse! (BOTH) # Into the sky (BOTH MUMBLE LYRICS) # Cos you know I'd walk a thousand miles # If I can just see you # Tonight C-minus. # "Realest Niggas" - Notorious BIG and 50 Cent (WHOOPS) Totally hot. # Nigga... (MUSIC STOPS) Girls! I can't believe that you just said that! Said what? The N word. So? Nobody's around. Yeah. (MUSIC RESUMES) (ALL) # 50 Cent and BIG, my nigga # Don't try to act like you don't feel a nigga, Biggie yo nigga, # 50 yo nigga, squeeze the trigga leave a nigga fa sho # Ladies, can I help you? Yes, I need something for my friend. Something that says, "I'm not a whore but I'm not a virgin either." I've got just the thing. Come. What about you? No, thank you, sweetie, I'm fine. Oh, good. You can help me. Me? Yeah. We're girls. It's what we do. Oh, God. (PHONE RINGS) Oh. Oh. Come on. Hello? Hi, baby. Hey, what's up, baby? I'm getting my hair done and I was thinking that we could go to the movies. How does that sound? Er... I'm back! Who was that? Oh, you're never gonna get that big old head in this tiny hole! Here, let me help you. Hold on. I'll hold it open while you put it in. OK? What is she holding? Push it, push it. It's almost in! What is almost in?! Marcus. Oh! Ohhh! Oh. Marcus Anthony Copeland II, you better answer me right now! Oh, it's so tight. Tight? The only thing that'll be tight is my foot down your throat. Answer me. A perfect fit. Yeah. I can't believe what I just heard. I told you. I'm exhausted. Gina. Damn. Hello? Baby? Hello? What do you think? That... looks... so sexy. Are you kidding? Hi, I'm Cellulite Sally. Look at my huge badonkey! Don't forget about me. I'm Back-fat Betty! Who could've said that? Oh, yeah, it's Tina the talking tummy! I can't even wear a short skirt and top without looking like a fat pig! Calm down. I'll go see if there's something else for you, OK? (SOBS) Uh! Uh! Do you think Heath will love... Do you need help? Erm, I think I need a bigger size. Honey, you never need a bigger size. Let me show you a little trick. Brace yourself. Suck it in. (SCREAMS) Squeeze those cheeks, sister! Suck it in! Come on. Work with me. Don't give up on me. You can do this. Suck it in! That looks totally cute! Oh, my God, are you kidding?! Hi, I'm Carny Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery! What about this? It goes with your skin tone. Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean! Whoo! OK. Let me get you something else, OK? (ZIPS UP TROUSERS) Ooh! How's that? I can't breathe. Honey, this is just not gonna work. I'm sorry. Well, of course not. You're wearing the wrong underwear. (SCREAMS) Is that better? I can taste the leather. OK, you need a pair of hot shoes. What size are you again? 14. What? A 14. (LAUGHS) Honey! Do you think you could bring us a size 10? A what?! A 10. It's open-toed. Gives you two sizes in the front and in the back. What about these, huh? You bitch. That's so terrible. Let me and go see if there's help out there. You need professional help. Hang on. OK. OK. Dr Phil! Oprah? Somebody help me! Tiff! Come on out, honey. Let's see. Oh, it is fabulous. If you don't buy it, I'm buying it for myself. I don't know. Stand up straight. Straight? OK. Turn around. Turn around? OK. Honey, just relax. Breathe. (EXHALES) Oops. (GIGGLES) Maybe a nice dress. Mm. 1 OK, who would you do, Janet Reno or Rosie O'Donnell? What?! Are you kidding me? Death is not an option. I... I don't know. Rosie. Aw! You're a pig. What?! That's disgusting. What are you talking about?! Rosie's alright. Heads up. Here they are. So, hold on. Who would you do? No time. We're on the job. Oh! What the...? Oh, my God, he's got my gun and badge. Go get him. Get in! Get in the car! (ALL SCREAM) Oh, my God. I need a cigarette. (TYRES SCREECH) Can you believe this? What do we do? We follow them. But we can't blow our cover. Give me back my bag! Oh, man. I'm gonna rip your head off! Agh! Your ass is mine! What is this girl? A track star? Oh, Jeez! You messed with the wrong blonde today, pal! Agh! (HORNS BLARE / TYRES SCREECH) Ow! Holy Christ! Now I'm pissed! I think she's bionic, dude. Agh! Holy smokes! Yeah! That was nice! Jeez, lady, all that for a bag?! It's not just a bag. It's Prada. (ALL CHEER) Wow! Did you see that? That was so cool! "The Four Seasons" - Vivaldi Oh. Right behind ya. Nice going, Tori. Way to get us sat at the losers' table. Thought you had it hooked up. Excuse me, I do have the hook up. Don't blame me, blame little miss Def Jam who had to go yo mama on the Vandergelds. We could be finished in this town. Somebody had to stand up to them. Hey. They're the It girls. That's the way it's always been. Whatever. Honey, quick, give me a pat. No, a powder for my nose. Quick. Oh. Thanks. OK. (LAUGHS) No, I'm just kidding. Hey, Heath. Karen. Hey. So, I tried to call you but... your number changed? Yeah, I know, I... I changed it. Well, anyway, so, I was just wondering if maybe later we could, erm... Hello?! Where have you been all night? I've been looking all over for - Eugh. Why are you talking to her? Clean it up, coke whore. (SIGHS) Do you have any more of that? Don't hate me cos you ain't me. Can I have your attention, please? Gentlemen, get out your wallets because you'll be bidding on a date with some of Hamptons' most eligible bachelorettes. First up, yours truly. (ALL SIGH) Who wants to start the bidding? Er, $500. $500. OK. Do I hear 1,000? Looks like we're all on the Vandergelds' D list. Is this seat taken? No, have a seat. Can you believe this? I mean, they're actually auctioning off women. Would you ever do anything like that? Well, it's for a good cause. Besides, being wined and dined by a rich guy might be nice. Oh. I see. So, you like rich guys, huh? It might be a pleasant change from all the losers that ask me out. I see. But I think that we can do better than that. $20,000. Shoot! $20,000. That is a new record. Very good. Next to be auctioned is... Tiffany Wilson. Oh! That's you! Me? You better do something. Excuse me, honey. I'll be right back, OK? Ooh. Who wants to start the bidding? $4. $4! Do I hear 5? $1,000. $1,000. Does anyone wish to go higher? Yeah, I got $2,000 right here. Ow! $3,000. $5,000. Who said that? Hey! OK. $5,000 to the dirty geezer in the back. I'm sure no-one's gonna wish to go higher than that so we're done. $10,000. $20,000. (LAUGHS) $20,000. (ALL APPLAUD) Going once, going twice... $50,000... (ALL GASP) ..cash. (ALL CHEER) Fine! Sold! To the big Black guy right there! Step right up and claim your prize. Yes! (CHEERING) Agh! No. I don't wanna go on a date with Puff Daddy. Come here, baby. (ALL CHEER / APPLAUD) (GROANS) Dude, my feet are killing me! And on top of that, that G-string gave me diaper rash. How long we gotta do this, man? Couple more days. I don't have a couple more days! Do you know who my wife is? Here, listen to this message. She's losing her mind. "(RAPID CHATTER)" And you don't wanna hear the rest. By the end of the weekend, we'll be heroes and all will be forgiven. Alright. (KNOCK AT DOOR) You order room service? No. (KNOCKING CONTINUES) Who is it? (KNOCKING CONTINUES) (ALL) Hi! Damn! These girls won't quit! Brit! > (HIGH-PITCHED) We'll be right there! Hang on! (ALL) Tiff! Open up! Open! One second! We'll be right there! Hang on! The ice cream's melting. Melting! Hold tight, girls. We're just shaving our feet, OK? A-And braiding our vaginas! OK! (GIRLS) Hi! Did you guys forget? It's your turn to host the slumber party! (ALL SQUEAL) Whoo. Ah... OK, you guys, what does it mean when a guy is in a REALLY bad relationship, and it's really, really obvious that he wants to be with you, but he just can't seem to break up with his girlfriend? It means you're a total booty call. Oh, my God! Brittany! You were thinking it! You said it! (BOTH GIGGLE) Sometimes you sound just like a man! So I've been told! (BOTH CHUCKLE) What she means to say, honey, is... ..maybe you're making yourself just a little bit too, like, available. Oh, come on, you guys! Don't act like you haven't done it before! You know how it is when you really care about someone. You call them all day long because you wanna know how their day is, and what they're thinking about and... ..if they're thinking about you. You spend all day trying to find the perfect outfit. You even change your hairstyle so he'll take a second look. But they never notice. Sometimes I wish they would trade places with us so that they'd know how it feels. You know? All done. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God! This is so cool! You know, I think you might have been Black in a previous life. Shizzle my nizzle. (GIGGLES) Alright, I got another one for you. Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson? (LAUGHS) Easy! But... they've both got a yeast infection. T-That's tough. Uh... Er... I'm gonna go with Pam Anderson. You're disgusting. What? They got a yeast infection. Well, who would you choose? Hey, Gomez, we got a couple of bogies. No time. Ah, come on! It's Pam Anderson. Like you care! Run their faces. Let's go. Brittany Wilson? Yeah. That's me. Let's get her. Put the blindfold on! Damn! This girl's strong. Who do you work for? Intimate Fantasies! Oh, my God! You need help? Brittany, what are you doing? Those are the strippers! Raoul and Tito! Strippers? I thought they were gonna kidnap me. That's part of their routine. Oh, my God! I am so sorry. Hotel security. Is everything alright here? Everything is fine. A little case of PMS, that's all. I'm just one big emotional wreck. Could you guys go and get me some Nytol and a Snickers? Let's get out of here. My ass is fat. Don't look at it. All clear. # "This Love" - Maroon 5 OK, ladies, let's focus. We have to find the perfect spot. Skank alert. Girls, I totally forgot my suntan lotion. I'm gonna go get some. I'll be right back. Hey. (ALL SCREAM) Hey, bro, go long. Got a plan. Go, go, go. (ALL SCREAM) (BOTH LAUGH) (IN A DEEP VOICE) Hey, yo! You do that again, I'm gonna bust - Bust out in tears. Oh, my God! Inbreds! You're a jerk! Bye-bye, sweetheart. Over here. Don't hurt yourself. Don't worry, I won't. (BOTH GASP) Sorry! Better lay off the spinach. (LAUGHS) Ooh, yeah. Tony, let's go hunt. (SIGHS) What a beautiful sunny day. Oh, my God. What happened to the sun? (GASPS) Easy, white chocolate. I wouldn't want you to melt. Yeah, hasta la vista, Schwarzen-negro. Bye. Hey, kid. You guys wanna make five bucks? Yeah! Yeah, sure! OK, here's what I want y'all to do. Yeah, erm, I'll take the usual. Put it on my tab. Hey! Latrell Spencer! Can we have your autograph? Sure, little buddy! Thanks! You're the greatest! Hey, that's what I do, baby. Thanks. Aw, sweet! There you go. Nice! Hey, stay in school. OK, we will. Wow, you must be pretty good. Ah, I'm alright. Sometimes I feel like I should be paying them to take my autograph. I'm sorry, I didn't even get your name. Latrell. Latrell Spencer. And you are? Denise Porter. Denise. Denise Porter. Yeah. You look so familiar. I feel like I've seen you somewhere. Erm, no, no. I mean, I play pro ball. Maybe you've seen one of my games. No. But if I did, I'm sure I would've definitely remembered you. OK, well,... look, Denise, I don't mean to be too forward or anything but I'm here in town checking out some real estate and - Oh! Whereabouts? Well, y'know, up around... Oh, Montauk? Well, more like around... East Hampton. Just all over the place. It's one big blur. One big business blur and I wanna get away from all that business and hang out with somebody and have a real conversation. I was wondering, if you're not too busy, maybe we could hang out. Yeah. Sure. Really? Yeah. Alright! Alright, cool! Cool. That's cool. So, er, I'll pick you up at about... Er, y'know, the jet should be here about 7:30 and the limo will take about a half hour. About 8 o'clock? Is that good? Erm, yeah. 8 sounds great. 8 sounds good. OK. (LAUGHS) Alright. Alright. OK. Bye. Take care. Yes! (BOTH) Hey, where's our five bucks? Alright, alright, alright. Calm down. There you go. Five bucks. 2.50 each. Hey, you promised to give us five each! Stay in school. I am not making excuses. I refuse to believe it. Really? I don't wanna believe Marcus is cheating. I don't wanna believe Michael Jackson keeps cutting off pieces of his nose. Your card's been declined for insufficient funds. The rep's on the line. Yes, this is Mrs Copeland. $4,000 dress?! And where did I buy this dress? The Hamptons?! Yes, I remember. Thank you. It is on! 1 I don't see why I gotta go out. Cos if you don't you'll blow our cover. What you gonna be doing? Me? I'm gonna follow up on a lead. You going on a date. She's a reporter. Who else knows more about the Hamptons people than her? (LAUGHS) Alright, so I like the girl. You're the one that's always telling me to settle down. You should. That don't mean I gotta go out with Buffy the White Girl Slayer. OK. Just go to dinner, OK? I'm only gonna be a couple of hours and I'll meet you back at the club. Promise? I promise. I'm serious, dude. Promise. I do. I'm serious. Alright. Alright. If you need to use protection, there's an extra shower curtain. Come on. Hop in. Take your time. Watch those marshmallows. Ease on in there. (DOG YAPS) I won't bite. Unless you ask me to. (WHIMPERS) You are so beautiful. (DOG SNARLS) Good boy, Baby. (STARTS ENGINE) Hey, how about we listen to a little bit of music? # "A Thousand Miles" - Vanessa Carlton What the...? How did you know? I love this song! # Making my way downtown Walking fast # Faces passed and I'm homebound # Diddly-diddly-doo, do-do-do-do # And I need you # And I miss you # And now I wonder # If I could fall # Into the sky # Do you think time # Would pass me by? # Cos you know I'd walk a thousand miles # If I can just see you # Tonight # Good evening, madam. Welcome to Bella. Thank you. (GASPS) Shh! What are you doing here? I came to borrow the car and the keys to his house. Are you crazy?! If you crash this man's car, he'll kill you! I won't. Call me before you leave, I'll bring it back and meet me back at the club. Oh, no, my brother. You got to get your own. Agh! Help me. Thank you. May I bring you something from the bar? A bottle of your best champagne. Sure. And bring us some oysters. Very good, sir. I have to say, I was so ex... ex... I was happy when I bought you at the auction. I mean, it's very rare I have the opportunity to bask in the ambience of such a classy lady such as yourself. Oh, my God. This athlete's foot is killing me. I'm humbled by your... ..beautiful nature. Oh, smell that infection. The high-class-ness of your... Oh, my God, is that a hangnail? I'm captivated by your beauty. Your bountiful curves remind me of the hills in Italy. (SPITS) I'm sorry. You were saying? Yes, that's perfect. Thank you. Are you ready to order? Yes, erm, I'll have the chicken. White meat only. And for the lady... perhaps a salad? Perhaps not. I'll have the steak smothered in onions, a rack of ribs, pasta with extra garlic, French fries with lots of vinegar and a side of onion rings with lots and lots of sour cream. Ooh. Have you ever had oysters? Did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac? (SLURPS) Oh. Ooh. Sorry. My tongue's kinda big. (GEARS CRASH / TYRES SCREECH) It'll open with a push! Uh! Yeah. You see, that did it there. Just a little turn. There's so many keys involved. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what's what. Wait! Hey! Hey! It's, er, Mei Ling. Hey! (SPEAKS JAPANESE) What are you doing here, girl?! It's late! You gotta go home and get some rest! Girl, you can not stay here! They have laws against this kind of workman shit. (SCREAMS) They'll think I'm running a sweatshop. That girl does not know when to go home, man. She will stay here and just clean, clean, clean forever. Wow. This is really nice. Yeah. This is dope. Huh? Dope summer home I picked! Whoo! Who's... who's that? Oh, the big, buff, bald dude with the fur? Yeah. Er, that's my trainer. You have your trainer on your wall? Yeah, well, for inspiration. I wanna look like that one day and I come in every morning and I look at that... You ever seen Titanic? No. Me either. You want something to drink? A glass of wine would be nice. Wine? Ha-ha-ha. OK. I'm gonna get you a glass of wine and, erm... That be in the kitchen, right? I don't know. This is your house, Latrell. Who? Oh, me? Latrell! That's right, I'm - I'm Latrell. That's right. That's right. I'm gonna get you a bottle of my wine in my house. # It's my house and I live here # Mm! Mm. Mm. Damn, little lady! You sure can put it away. (LAUGHS) You're so funny! Voila. Oh, you have a dog! Nah, I ain't got no damn dog! Well, then,... whose dog is that? (SNARLING) (DOG BARKS) Oh, shit! Er,... that's - that's not no dog. That's family. (BARKS) Hey, cousin. (GROWLS) Come here, boy. (SNARLS) Agh! (SCREAMS) Help! (WHIMPERS) He looks really mad! Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine! He just misses me, that's all. OK, boy. Playtime's over. Let me go. (SCREAMS) You want me to go for help? We're just having fun. You sure are playful today. (SQUEALS) You wanna go for a walk, boy? Agh! I'll be right back! Agh! Oh. Y'know what? Forget this. I'm outta here. I go on a date with a guy and his dog is biting him. (SNARLING) Oh! OK, what's he doing now? What's that? (THUMPING) Don't pay him no money. He's just gonna do that till he falls asleep. Now, where were we? Ah, wine. Oh, God. Y'know, I, er, I like a woman with a little extra something. A little cushion for the pushin'. I'd really love for you to come to one of my games. No, thank you. I've seen you play. Not impressed. Excuse me? I'm the highest-scoring forward in the league. Yeah, but all that talent totally overshadowed by nothing but scandals and pure laziness. I mean, you're shooting under 50 percent from the free-throw line. Your turnover ratio - abysmal. And on top of that, you can't shoot three-pointers to save your life, so squeeze me. No-one's ever cared like that before. Come here, baby. (WHIMPERS) (FARTS) Ohh! (LAUGHS) Oopsie, I had a poopsie. Girl, we gonna get along just fine. Back at ya. (FARTS) Oh! Bask in the ambience. I'm gonna be sick. Basking in the ambience. So, no, I jump over the fence, fall, I scrape my knee. Get out of here. No, seriously, listen. I scrape my knee, I get chased by the cops and I spend the night in jail. That's insane. You did all that just to find J-Lo and Ben's hideaway? I can't help it. Investigative journalism is my passion. So how did you end up writing pieces for the local news? Unfortunately I - I made some enemies and ended up getting fired from my last job. What happened? Oh, you don't wanna know about that. I spent all night talking about myself. Sometimes it's good for a man to just sit back and listen. Well, since you put it that way... Mm-hm? I did this piece on Warren Vandergeld. Him and his partners tried to swindle a guy. You talking about Ted Burton? Yeah. How did you know that? It was in the paper. I read about it. Well, what they didn't report in the paper was that Burton was ten-times smarter than all of them. He embezzled millions and stashed it in an offshore account. When Vandergeld heard the story was gonna break, he didn't wanna be embarrassed. Well, there goes my job. You know, you're a good listener. It seems like you have... the whole package. (PHONE RINGS) (SIGHS) Man! Hello. Yo, Kev, we've gotta go. What?! Now?! Yeah, now! We on our way. Man, can't you stall him for a little while? This man sang to me, tried to kiss me, and he been farting for the last 20 minutes. Alright. I'll be there in a minute. Bye. Oh, cottontail! I'm coming, nigger. Gomez, what the hell are we looking for? I don't know. Something ain't right about these girls. I'm gonna check the bathroom. 'Find anything?' Er, no. Not yet. (SNIFFS LOUDLY) You're not gonna believe what I... What the hell are you doing? (LAUGHS) Sniffing chicks' underwear, man. It's... What? They're guys, aren't they? Wow. You really are disgusting. q (LOUD DANCE MUSIC) What's up? What's up, man? It's good to be back. How you doin'? Latrell, my man! What's goin' on, brother? What's up? Hey. Two apple martinis. You hitting that, bro? This is a tough one to crack. Tiffany Wilson? She puts the E in easy. Drop a couple of these babies in her drink. Are you sure this'll work? I just took two and I'm telling you, I'm boinking someone tonight! Excuse me. (LAUGHS) As for you, my little Miracle Whip, you need to loosen up. There you go. That's for you. Oh, my God! Is that Britney Spears?! Where?! Right over there! Oh, forget it. She just left. Oops! She did it again! (LAUGHS) Let's drink up. Oh, let's do it. To the last drop. Mm-hm. That's good. Mm-hm. You wanna dance? That's a great idea. Here. Hold Baby. Let's go, girls. Let's go! OK. # "(I Got That) Boom Boom" - Britney Spears Yo, I found out some interesting information. Ted Burton turned the tables on Vandergeld. Tucked away $100,000,000. Been living the high life since he got out. There goes our motive. # So sexy # I begin to dance just a little bit # To turn you on... Those skanks think that they're hot?! Let's show them what sexy really is. # I got that boom boom # That you want # I don't think you should wait # One minute might be too late... (CHEERING) # One minute might be too late # Boy, you look so sexy... They wanna battle. Let's go, girls. # You look so sexy # # "Crazy In Love" - Beyonce You girls want some of this?! Bring it on, sisters! OK, let's do it! Five, six, seven, eight! # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh-no-no # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh-no-no # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh-no-no # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh-no-no # I look and stare so deep in your eyes # I touch on you more and more every time # When you leave I'm beggin' you not to go # Call your name two, three times in a row # Such a funny thing for me to try to explain # How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame # Yeah, cos I know I don't understand # Just how your love can do what no-one else can # Got me lookin' so crazy right now # Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now # Your love # Got you lookin' so crazy right now # Your touch's got me lookin' so crazy right now # Your touch # Got me hoping you page me right now # Your kiss's got my hoping you save me right now # Lookin' so crazy your love's got me lookin' # Got me lookin' so crazy your love # (CHEERING) Come on. (ALL SCREAM) Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I know you hookers don't think this is over with. Let's kick it old school. # "It's Tricky" - Run-DMC # It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time # It's tricky # It's tricky # Tricky # Tricky # Tricky # It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time # It's tricky # Tr-tr-tr-tricky # Tricky # Trrrrrrrrrrricky # I met this little girlie # Her hair was kinda curly # Went to her house and bust her out # I had to leave real early # These girls are really sleazy # All they just say is "please me" # "Or spend some time and rock a rhyme" # I said "It's not that easy" # It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time # It's tricky # It's tricky # Tricky # Tricky # Tricky # It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time # It's tricky # Tricky, tricky, tricky # In New York the people talk # And try to make us rhyme # They really hawk but we just walk # Because we have no time # And in the city it's a pity # Cos we just can't hide # Tinted windows don't mean nothin' # They know who's inside # It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time # It's tricky # How is it, D? # It's tricky # Tricky # Tricky # Tricky... We won! We won! # That's right on time # It's tricky # It's tricky # Tricky # Tricky # Tricky # (ALL CHEER) Heath! Come on! Let's go. Heath, get out of my way! Move it! I need a drink. Hey, hey, hey! Latrell, my man! Did it work, man? (PANTS) I don't know, but I gotta dance. I gotta hit this! (DOG WHIMPERS) Hold the dog. Hold the dog. Oh. Let it out, honey. (RETCHES) That's out. I paid thousands of dollars on this outfit and do you think he even noticed? It's gonna be OK. Little Miss Vandergeld walks in and he just forgets all about me. (RETCHES) OK, let it out. Let it out. I wonder... if he would think she was so hot... if he knew... that she... is broke! (SOBS) Vandergeld's broke? Shush! We mustn't... talk of such things. No, no. Oh! But, yes, they're broke. My father even had to loan her father money just so that they could keep their house. They just paid us back! (SOBS) You guys! I love you guys! We love you too. I love you so much. You're the best. Can we get you some gum or a mint or something? Hey, little girl. (DOG WHINES) Really? I love you, too. What the hell are you doing?! Give me her! (DOG WHINES) Sicko! Where's Latrell? On the dance floor. Good morning, snowflake. (WHINES) (BOTH SCREAM) Oh, my God! Brittany! What? We're on Page Six! Yeah? Uh-huh. No? Yeah! No?! Yeah! Look! "Wilson Sisters Rock Hamptons." (GASPS) (BOTH SCREAM) We rock! We rock! Yes! Yes! Oh! Wait. We weren't in the Hamptons this weekend. (BOTH) Oh, no! We've been cloned! q He's got to be around here somewhere. Girl, wait a minute. Isn't that Marcus there? That's him, alright. Lying dog. Caught ya! Marcus! That sounds like Gina. Marcus! (GASPS) Gina! Shush! Don't answer. She'll go away. She won't. I won't go till you open up! I told you! What am I gonna do? Get rid of her! I'll get rid of her. You hide the stuff. Hide the stuff! Marcus! (GRUNTS) I'm not done with you! I'm coming, baby! What is all that noise? Oh, nothing. OK, baby, I'm coming! Marcus! Marcus! I'm coming! (Hide! Hide!) Hey, baby. Hi, mooboo. Mm... Nice room you got, Marcus. Baby, what you doin' here? I could ask you the same question. Me? Mm-hm. Oh, I'm on assignment. Are you wearing lipstick? Oh, no. This... That's Kool-Aid. You want some? It's filled with vitamin C and riboflavin. Is that a bra? Oh, no! This? This is, erm, new holsters they gave us at work. They're government issue. You could put two guns in there and... Freeze! FBI! I know somebody's in here. Nobody's in here. Nobody's in here! See? Nobody's in here. Ah! Check under the bed! You think somebody in here! I heard somebody on the phone. Check under the bed. Check under the bed. That is where everybody always hides. See, nobody there? Nobody there. I'm gonna look in the bathroom. Wait! Wait! Don't check the bathroom. Don't check the bathroom! See? Nothing in the bathroom. Nobody in the room, see? Nothing here. See? You know, baby, this gotta stop. We can't have love if we ain't got trust. I know, but, baby, look, I was at the restaurant - Baby, if we don't have trust, we don't have nothing. This is not about trust! Gina! (BOTH SCREAM) There she is, right there! Now, baby, I can explain. I knew it. Baby, it's not what you think. Baby, it's not - You don't say nothing to me! I can explain! Baby, it's not what you think! He's a man! You're sick! We'll stop them before they execute their plan. What do they look like? Duh! Us! Afternoon, ladies. The chief would like a word with you. Oh, my, God. What? They're the men in black. (GASPS) Come on. Hey! Easy. Hey! Just move it along. Let's go. Wait a minute! Chief, we just got confirmation. Burton's arrived at JFK. I want him trailed. Give him room. I don't want anyone jumping the gun. I wanna get him red-handed. Oh, get your hands off of me! Hey, easy! Right this way, girls. What the hell are you guys doing with the Wilson sisters? Chief, these aren't the Wilson sisters. No, sir. Chief, chief, check this out. (SCREAMS) Oh, my! What are you doing? That's on there pretty good. Let her go! That's nothing, chief. How about...? (SCREAMS) Oh! Those... Those are nice. That's enough! That's enough! Chief, I don't know how he did that, but you can't fake these. (SCREAMS) (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, my God! Look who's here! It's - Save it. Because of you, I had to suspend two of my best agents. I can explain. I don't wanna hear it. You're lucky we caught Burton before he struck. But Burton is not our guy! Let me guess. Women's intuition? You're both fired. Turn in your guns and your badges. This is over. Come on, chief! You can't fire us! I just did! Forget him, Marcus. We can did this ourselves. Look, all we gotta do is - Wait, wait, wait. We? Kevin, this ain't about "we". It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. I lost my wife and my job because of you. So don't tell me about "we" no more, alright? (LAUGHS) They bought it. The FBI is backing up. They'll be out of our hair in a couple of hours. We can make the grab tonight. You sure you and your friend can get the job done? Would I let you down, Mr V? Hey, man. I just wanna say sorry. Forget about it, dude. No. You're right. You're absolutely right. I've been selfish and I'm always dragging you into everything. I never ask what it is you wanna do. There's something about always having you around that makes me wanna step up my game. Guess it's cos I knew you were always gonna have my back. (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Thanks. Who was that? That was Josh. Turns out that Vandergeld's prints were all over the ransom note. Huh. What are you doing? Calling the chief. No, you ain't. You said we can do this on our own. What about back-up? I got you, you got me, that's all we need. Triple-T-K-A. (BOTH) Time To Totally Kick Ass! # "Let's Get It Started" - Black Eyed Peas # Let's get it started # Ha! Three generations at the bureau and I'm the first to get fired. My dad is gonna kill me. (PHONE RINGS) Yeah, what? Who? Copeland? Copeland, you dick! You got a lot of nerve calling. A lot of nerve. Where? Better not be wrong about this. What, what, what, what? I think we might be getting our jobs back. What? We gotta go. What do you mean? Go? How about this? Rupaul or Whoopi Goldberg? I told you, I'm not playing your games. Come on! # Let's get it started # Ha! # Let's get it started in here # Let's get # Woohoo! # Let's get # Woohoo # Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya # Ya, ya, ya, ya # Let's get it started # Ha! # Let's get it started in here... # Any sign of Vandergeld? Don't see him. Keep an eye out for him. If it's going down, it's gonna go down here. Thank God! There you are. I did it. Did what? I got you into the fashion show! (ALL SCREAM) Did you hear that?! We're in the fashion show! Oh, my God! Not if we don't get moving. Come on. Let's go. You mean the Wilson sisters are in? And we're out? That's the way it is. They're hot, you're not, so deal with it. Straighten up that blouse. That's impossible! We've been on the catwalk every summer for six years! Look, let's just cut to the chase. Who do we have to sleep with for us to get in the show? Oh, honey, you're so barking up the wrong tree. Nail this and you're a shoo-in for the Hamptons' Magazine cover. Darlings! Where have you been? Megan! Don't! This is unacceptable! They just messed with the wrong girls. I've been looking everywhere for you. Can we get the Wilson sisters their outfits now, please? Go! Go! Go! Hey. Er, can we... talk? Of course. You were incredible at the nightclub last night. Thank you. Incredible. Thanks. Heather's gonna be leaving after the party tonight and I was thinking maybe you could come by around... 2:00, maybe 3:00am. Erm... You know what? I don't think so. Excuse me? If you think I'm just a booty-call, well, I'm not, and I deserve better than that. I'm tired of being your doormat! Doormat? Honey,... what makes you think you're that special? Bastard! Excuse me. Ass-wipe. (ALL GASP LOUDLY) You're gonna regret that. I'm so scared(!) Oh, my God! Tiffany! Thank you so much, honey. I am so proud of you. Thanks. I just wish I didn't feel so crappy. Oh, honey. Sometimes a man can't see when he has someone so special sitting right in front of him. Are you, like, a lesbian? I better go get changed. OK. (TANNOY) "Ladies and gentlemen, this evening we are proud to present the faux-couture line, Aubrey Allure. Please take your seats." Er, excuse me. Not on the list. Invitation, my ass! They don't know how we do it. No. Let's just blend. Alright. # "Move Your Feet" - Junior Senior # Everybody # Move your feet and feel united # Oh-oh-oh-oh # Everybody # Move your feet and feel united # Oh-oh-oh-oh... Go, go! Aubrey! Aubrey! (BOTH SQUEAL) (LAUGHS) Didn't we just have this conversation? Get these fantastic supermodels back into their rooms. I can't believe it! # D-d-don't stop the beat # I c-c-can't control the feet # P-p-people in the streets # Com'on everybody and move you're feet # Don't stop # Don't stop # Don't stop the beat # I can't stop # Can't stop # Can't stop the beat # I won't stop # Won't stop # Won't stop the beat # And go! # Everybody # Move you're feet and feel united # Oh-oh-oh-oh # Everybody # Move your feet and feel united # Oh-oh-oh-oh... They changed that quick! They changed that quick. # Oh, yeah # Oh, yeah... These oughta get the critics' attention. (LAUGHS) # S-s-sing my song # And y-y-you sing along # Just p-p-put my record on # And all of your troubles are dead and gone # Don't stop # Don't stop # Don't stop the beat # I can't stop # Can't stop # Can't stop the beat # I won't stop # Won't stop # Won't stop the beat # And go! # Everybody # Move you're feet and feel united # Oh-oh-oh-oh # Everybody # Move your feet and feel united # Oh-oh-oh-oh... OK, second changes, everybody. Go, go, go! Now! This'll be a nice little treat. (LAUGHS) # Oh, yeah # Oh, yeah # Oh, yeah... (ALL SCREAM WITH LAUGHTER) # Don't stop # Don't stop # Don't stop the beat # I can't stop # Can't stop # Can't stop the beat # I won't stop # Won't stop # Won't stop the beat # And go! # Everybody, move your feet... Oh, my God! What's happening? # Oh-oh-oh-oh # That's not mine! Let's get outta here! Alright, bro. I'm sorry! (ALL GASP / MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY) Oh, my God! Just gimme your hand. I got you. (ALL SCREAM) Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so sorry! Darling! Come here! I got you! I got you! (SCREAMS) Here you go! (SCREAMS) Oh, my gosh! I'm ruined! Ha! Looks like some people just don't know when to quit. Come on, girls. Wait, wait. I got ya. (ALL SCREAM) Karen, what are you doing? Look, someone has got to give those girls a taste of their own medicine. (BOTH SCREAM) (ALL GASP) (BOTH WHIMPER) (BOTH SCREAM) (ALL GASP) So... revolutionary! It's so bold and so,... so brilliant! (APPLAUSE) (BOTH SCREAM) Yes! Yes! No! Everybody, they're imposters! (ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Hit the lights. (ALL GASP) Marcus! Brittany! Where's Brittany? (ALL CHEER) Brittany! Where are you?! (ALL GASP) Brittany! Tiffany! Get down! I told you you were gonna regret it. You hit like a bitch! Come on. (BOTH SCREAM) You run and I'll shoot you. Come on. Come on. My turn. Mama! Argh! Girl, we gonna need some back-up. Keisha! Call Nene and Luquana. Tell them to bring Vaseline and razors. These bitches are on some other shit. What's going on? Don't touch my dress! Vandergeld's got Tiffany. What?! No-one messes with my queen! Marcus, are you OK? No. What's wrong? These damn G-strings are killing me! Ah! Freeze! FBI! You guys take care of them. We'll go after Vandergeld. You'll need this. Come on, let's go. (ALL SCREAM) FBI! Freeze! What are you doing? Take your mother and sister and go home. Daddy, why are you doing this? Daddy didn't tell you? He's broke. What do you mean, 'broke'? Martha Stewart broke or MC Hammer broke? MC Hammer broke! (SCREAMS) No! I've been funnelling money out of the charity into a private account. Are you filming this? Are you? I'll give you something to shoot. (ALL SCREAM) Get outta my way! I can't do that. No! Drop it! (ALL SCREAM) I got you, man. Hey, we'll get that stain out. Don't worry. Don't move! Warren Vandergeld, you are under arrest. I really appreciate what you did. That was real brave. I had no choice. I couldn't let them take my one true love away. Hey, dude, I ain't what you think I am. (LAUGHS) Baby, we all got secrets. It's OK. Are you telling me... that you... are not... Yeah. I'm not a woman. ..White?! Oh, the deception! The betrayal! You deceived me! Calm down. I'm an FBI agent. I - Negro, please! Didn't somebody tell you this was an all-white party?! Huh? Someone get this jigaboo away from me! Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you. Do I get to see my knight in shining armour? Well... Get away! Get off! Let go! You ain't never met nobody like me! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! (ALL GASP) Kevin? Latrell?! Gina! Marcus?! Oh, this is some Jerry Springer shit! Once again, you guys managed to do everything I told you not to do. You caused over $250,000 worth of damage, two people were shot, but... at least you, er,... got the right guy. Good work. Thanks a lot, chief. We couldn't have done it without Gomez and Harper. Alright. I'll see you all in the office tomorrow. Good work, guys. Who will be on the cover of Hampton's Magazine? I gotta go take care of some business. I'll see you on Monday. Who do you think wore those panties you were sniffing, Kevin or Marcus? Gomez, I told you, I was looking for DNA. Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS) What are you laughing at, Denzel? "What a beautiful chocolate man!" (LAUGHS) You guys got some work to do? I'm Denise Porter. Good night. Thanks. Denise, hi. I'm Kevin Copeland. I'm an FBI agent. I make $30,000 a year after taxes. I don't drive a Bentley, I don't have a house on the hill, but I'd really like to take you out. Are you kidding me?! Any man... ..who would jump in front of a bullet for me,... ..can definitely take me on a date. Baby? Come on, let's go. Please - I have nothing more to say to you! Just listen to me, please. Gina, I lied to you, I've hid things from you, but I have never cheated on you. But I am guilty of paying more attention to my job than my wife. I'm guilty of not appreciating all the things you do, like getting your hair done, wearing that sweet-smelling Chanel cologne I love so much. But my biggest crime is that I didn't tell you I loved you every single day. (SIGHS) Let's go! Will you shut up? OK. I love you. A wheelchair? Yes, but the feeling will come back, I promise. # Making my way downtown # Walking fast, faces pass # And I'm home bound # Back up, Tony. (HUMS) Hey, girls. Hey. Hi. Erm, so, you guys were pretending to be them the entire time? Yes, we were, but we was only doing our job. I hope you guys aren't too pissed off at us. I'm so bummed. We liked Brittany and Tiffany, like, so much more when you were them. (BOTH LAUGH) So much more! Does this mean we won't be hanging out any more? Don't say that. Of course we will. We'll hang out. We'll get together and we'll go... (ALL) Shopping! # "Hey, Ms Wilson" - The Penfifteen Club # Oh, my, looky there # Stone-cold foxy, platinum hair # Short skirt, barely there # Make a chick wanna hate, make a boy wanna stare # Well, Ms Wilson, you must be worth a trillion bucks # Get the feelin' that you don't really give a... # Ms Wilson, I like the way you push and glide # Roller skates on a social butterfly, whoo! # Breeze by, velvet ropes # Ski this town like a bunny slope # Oh, my, there she goes # A long-bodied girl in her short-bodied clothes # Well, Ms Wilson, you must be worth a trillion bucks # Was it you with your body all up in the club? # Ms Wilson, I like the way you push and glide # Roller skates on a social butterfly, c'mon! # Ms Wilson # # "White Girls" - Mighty Casey # White girls # Suzie, Janet, Karen # Roaming through my mind # Sarah, Jess and Judy too # White girls # Julie, Beth and Sharon # Help me unwind # The more I see, the more I do # Don't tell Minister Farrakhan # He don't wanna know what's going on # Cos White girls # Won't go away # Ticket to ride White girl highway # Tell all the White girls they can swing my way # What up, baby girl? How you doin'? Is you single? # Have you ever messed with a light-skinned Mandingo? # And I could give a damn what all my friends say to me # You and me, baby, could start making up for slavery # Girl, I'm just playing, I got a White mom # You got any Black (BEEP), would you like some? # Oh, word, you like my songs that be playing on the radio? # You know the sincerest form of flattery # I ain't a picky guy so I really don't care # If you a hippy White chick who got underarm hair # Or a ghetto White chick who be tryin' to act Black # With your name on a chain and your hair slicked back # You could be from anywhere, Maine down to Malibu # From the trailer park or the way to Park Avenue # See me with a Black girl, you got the wrong man # Or might have just been a White girl with a tan # And, sisters, don't get mad cos I'm (BEEP) with the White chicks # Cos we all look the same when we turn off the light switch # Back in the day, I was getting no play # Then I went the White girl way like OJ # So you can... but I'm sorry, O'Shea # Cos I got my White girl and everything is OK # White girls # Suzie, Janet, Karen # Roaming through my mind # Sarah, Jess and Judy too # White girls # Julie, Beth and Sharon # Help me unwind # The more I see, the more I do # Don't tell Minister Farrakhan # He don't wanna know what's going on # Cos White girls # Roaming through my mind # White girls # Julie, Beth and Sharon # Help me unwind # The more I see, the more I do # Whether short or tall, whether blonde or brunette # I ain't met a White girl who I wouldn't do yet # For those who getting furious Please don't take me serious # I'm just wil'in out like Eddie Murphy in Delirious # But if you took offence and you're Black or you're White # I'm glad you did, sucker, cos you're way too uptight # White girls # Julie, Beth and Sharon # Help me unwind # The more I see, the more I do # Don't tell Minister Farrakhan # He don't wanna know what's going on # Cos White girls # Won't go away # White girls # Julie, Beth and Sharon # Help me unwind # The more I see, the more I do # Don't tell me Minister Farrakhan # He don't wanna know what's going on # Cos White girls # Won't go away # Don't tell Minister Farrakhan # He don't wanna know what's going on # Cos White girls # Won't go away # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017