(GRUNTING) I'm strong! I'm big! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) I'm hot! I'm big! (SIRENS WAILING) Fuck! (SIRENS CONTINUE, OFFICERS YELLING INDISTINCTLY) (PANTING) Shit! (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Hey, where you going? www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016. DANIEL: My name is Daniel Lugo. And I believe in fitness. NARRATOR: The events you are about to see took place in Miami, Florida, between October 1994 and June '95. Unfortunately, this is a true story. DANIEL: We all start out equal, little blobs of blood and muscle. It's a setup of awesome potential. Most people never develop that potential. I knew early on I was not most people. There you go. There you go! (LAUGHING) Yes! Come on, big man. Work it, baby. Come on! Let's go! Because if you're willing to do the work, you can have anything. That's what makes the US of A great. When it started, America was just a handful of scrawny colonies. Now, it's the most buff, pumped-up country on the planet. -That's pretty rad. -(GRUNTS) -That's it? -Work harder. Shit! (LAUGHS) Oh! Adrian's on the juice! Word up, DL! Most people say they wanna look better. Not everyone is willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it. All of my heroes are self-made. Rocky, Scarface, all the guys from The Godfather. They all started out with nothing and built their way to perfection. The way to prove yourself is to better yourself. That's the American dream. (PANTING) I have no sympathy for people who squander their gifts. It's sickening. It's worse than sickening. It's unpatriotic. Greatest day of my life. Arnold-fucking-Schwarzenegger, am I right? I was never a big fitness guy. I know it's important, but you know what I really don't like about weights? What's that? They're so heavy! (CHUCKLES) Am I right? -Can you lift this? -(GRUNTS) I spot people for a living, when you get right down to it. Gives the client security and a little extra help to push themselves harder. (ROARING) To me, a cigarette boat was a thing drug dealers had, you know? But we got it anyway. Cost a fortune. Named her Puppy Luv. L-U-V. But when I'm out on it, depending on the day, I either fantasise I'm a drug smuggler eluding the DEA, or I'm the DEA chasing after a drug smuggler. (GRUNTS) I'm turning into a stud here. You get any exercise currently? Eh... Besides shtupping? I got a 3-mil McMansion next to a private jogging path, but it's all homos and housewives. You spend most of your day at a desk? You know that Schlotzsky's Deli near the airport? That's mine. No kidding? Oh, I like that place. I never kid, Yudo. -Lugo. -Yeah. We make a nice sandwich, Lugy. You ever try our oven-toasted roast beef and cheese? -Give an anorexic an appetite. -What else do you do? Do some stock trading, real estate. Own a few greyhounds for racing. But for some crazy reason, I'm proudest of the sandwiches. I hang at the house. Got a hot Cuban housekeeper makes a waffle don't even need maple syrup. I'm a self-made man, Dennis. And my self is not ashamed to say it's made a lot of money. Maybe your self ought to spend some of it on a salad. You know who invented salad? Poor people. DANIEL: This all began because it was time to push myself harder. To maximise results. And I was tired of clients petting me. Shit, otherwise I was looking at another 40 years of wearing sweatpants to work. BARBARA ANN: And that was it! He just dumped me by phone. DANIEL: That's cold! It makes you question the whole relationship. DANIEL: You set high goals for yourself and nail every one. But the hardest thing about changing yourself is changing how other people see you. Being a personal trainer is just that. Personal. I'm not going to lie. When a client doesn't feel the same way, it hurts. What next? Well, I mean, if you wanted, you know, if it seems like it would be fun to you, maybe we could go for a drink or a dinner or a coffee or water. I meant what exercise is next. DANIEL: It really fucking hurts. (LAUGHING) I know that! I was joking. Come on! Daniel! I see you got some new meat. What have I always said, John? The key to repeat business... ...is new business. You cannot build a muscle mecca without muscle. (SNIFFS) Well, I want to turn this place into an internationally renowned mecca. -What do you bench? -400. -Squat? -More like five. (SIGHS) Why should I hire you? You have a lot of elderly members, sir. I want to pump some new blood into this place. That pool's a very slippery surface, and that elderly woman with the shower cap, she looks like she's gonna croak right there in the pool, sir. And Gold's is gonna crush you. If I don't triple your membership in three months, I will quit. Triple it in three months. That's pretty ambitious. I read a lot of biographies, sir. And the one thing that unites great men is their reach always exceeds their grasp. One thing... I recently had some trouble with the law. They call Florida "God's waiting room," all the half-dead senior citizens turning brown on the beach. Shit, you ask me, that's kind of mean. I like older people. They're very generous. So you really guarantee I can triple my investment in three months? Well, if I didn't, would I put my name on the company? Let me confer with my partner. Are they good? -You're approved. -Wow! (CHUCKLES) You know, I get so much joy from making people money. I'm going to make you guys a lot of money. You have such beautiful hair. Look at those eyes. Wow! I, Daniel Lugo, hereby acknowledge my guilt. I know what I did was wrong and there is no substitute for hard work. And I am a hard worker! It will never happen again. For I used my superior intelligence for wrong actions to justify a good end. And that was wrong. And, if you let me, I believe I can learn from my mistakes and I believe I can help others to realise that there is no shortcut to the American dream. This is America, land of the brave and home of the second chances. That's my one ask, that you give me a second chance and allow me to go free today. JUDGE: Guilty. I know I'm guilty. That's what I said in the beginning of my statement. I said, "I'm guilty." But what about my second chance? (CELL DOOR RATTLING AND CLOSING) (SCOFFS) That's nothing. Welcome aboard. Thank you, sir. I will not disappoint you. DANIEL: Three weeks after I signed on, Sun Gym did triple its membership. I'ma make you Kobe beef, baby. One more! I gave free body waxing for everybody at sign-up. It was kind of disgusting. You have to do whatever it takes -and have no fear. -Ooh. Wow. Bushy. You wanna trim that thing down a little bit? I even came up with genius. Free membership for strippers. Delicious. Boosted membership 75% within two months. Look like a big sirloin steak, baby! I like that! I did make it a muscle mecca. I made it a destination. (GIRLS WHOOPING AND LAUGHING) John was rolling in the cash. He started reading Fortune magazine. And he recognised my value ` I made Senior Fitness Coordinator by Christmas. Perks included. Cos that's how it works ` you give and you get back. Oh, bills suck. JONNY: (ON TV) Rolled out into a money magnet. I'm living the American dream. Take notes and I'll tell you the secrets of living the dream! Does your life suck balls? Are you a hot mess? Do you ever look in your mirror at home and ask, (MOCKINGLY) "Why me?" Well, go to Jonny Wu's Golden Dream seminar at the Jupiter Ballroom and you'll find out how to be a do-er! DANIEL: I gotta say, it felt great to be doing so awesome. (BURPING) (SNIFFING) -What is that stink? -What stink? You smell like a Cuban stripper. My niece gave it to me for Christmas. It's called "Vanilla Fella." Oh, well, it's unsettling while I sweat here. So, you make decent coin in this place? We do fine. Shoots out your ass in taxes, though, right? (GROANS) Hey, if you're smart, you do what I do ` incorporate offshore. The Bahamas don't exactly sweat your paperwork, and the IRS can't touch it. You have any money here in the States? (LAUGHS) Of course! The offshore stuff is just a rainy day fund, margarita money. You should meet my accountant, he's a friggin' miracle man. Maybe I will. Oh, you're a Maybe Guy! (SIGHS) I misjudged. I had you figured for a Definitely Guy, Damien. Sorry. Lugo. Lugo. DANIEL: Victor had a point. He was an asshole, but he had a point. Michael Corleone didn't become the Godfather by folding towels; he did it by keeping a gun behind the toilet and knowing what he wants. And I know it might sound strange, I just want a big fat lawn that I can mow until the sun goes down. That baby's 20% off! Well, if I believe I deserve it, the universe will serve it, right? What, you never heard that before? No, jackass. Yeah, that's why you're working at Sears, bro! Easy, fella, or I'll kick your ass. What is that? Is that a bug? There's a bug! Do you read English? Yeah? Puta? Bitch? Right? Between the "B" and the "I." You migrant workers suck! DANIEL: When I was young, There was a rich kid lived two blocks over. Little prick had a new bike every Christmas. VICTOR: Your asses are looking great! And his parents took him on vacations to places like Paris and France. I mean, I didn't hate him. I just thought it'd be cool to see France. But I knew that it wasn't ever going to happen unless I did something about it. -Let's go, set... -(CLANGING) Fuck! Yo, what's going on, DL? You've been unfocused all day, man. You ever just get tired of being where you are, Adrian? No. I kind of like it here. I mean, the weights are new... I mean in life, man! Where you are in life. I mean, look at us, man. We're like supermen. (GRUNTING) I mean, come on! Don't you think we deserve better? Cos I do. -(SNAPPING) -Hey. Yo. ADRIAN: Man, I do too. DANIEL: Then fucking act like it, man! Come on! That's why when these 'roids kick into this chocolate mass, baby, I'ma be unstoppable! I ain't making no more tacos! I ain't cleaning up after nobody tacos! I'm putting my beef in their tacos, baby! Everybody gonna eat some of this! That's what I'm talking about. I was like you. You work hard. You do what you're told. And what does life serve you? A shame sandwich with a side order of shit! You deserve better! Every person in America is either a do-er, or a don't-er. A do-er or a don't-er. And if I can get you to learn one thing today, one take-home point, it would be this. Don't be a don't-er. Do be a do-er. I had a wife, two beautiful daughters. A perfect partner. Thank God I left her! Now I'm with seven honeys of which I can choose from. (ALL LAUGHING) DANIEL: Oh my God. This guy understands me. Well, it's simple. I don't know why God gave us 10 fingers, because we's only gonna need three. Get a goal. Get a plan. And get up off your ass! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Which are you, playboy? -Me? -No, someone else sitting in your seat. (PEOPLE CHUCKLING) Come on, which one are you? I'm a do-er? Is that a question? I'm a do-er. What is this, Valentine's Day? Say it like you want to hunt it, skin it and mount its head on your wall! -I'm a do-er! -What? -I'm a do-er! -Yeah! -I'm a do-er! -Let's do it! -I'm a do-er! I'm a do-er! -(ALL CHEERING) -ALL: (CHANTING) Do-er! -I'm a do-er! -ALL: Do-er! Do-er! Do-er! -I'm a do-er! I'm a do-er! DANIEL: He singled me out and gave me my own private training session. I will make him proud. -I wish I had a camera. -All right. Get the bitches on the boat. OK? We gotta go. Get the bitches on the boat. We gotta go! I'm a do-er with a three-finger plan ` finger one, find a guy with money. Finger two, make him give you everything he owns. Finger three, make America a better place. Leave the guy broke and clueless as to who made him that way. Cos that's some straight-up gangsta shit. -Why do you wanna do this? -(SIGHS) ADRIAN: She's out of your league, bro. Wow. Adrian, you're fucking magnificent. You walked in that door, you were 28% body fat, you wanted to be six. I gave you that. You want to be two, I will give you that. You deserve that. You want to be a monument to physical perfection? You want to be a shrine? You should be! You wanted change, right? All you got is change in that fanny pack. Is that what you want? (SIGHS) When's the last time you paid your rent when it was due? When's the last time you took one of those plump bitches out to dinner and didn't sweat them ordering dessert? You love those big bitches. And they love to eat. It's OK. That's important! But this being broke shit's gotta stop, man. You need some money to go with that body, man. DANIEL: Adrian loved the idea. Hey, that guy wants a job. Will you interview him? But to implement a plan of this intensity, we needed to secure another operative. (GRUNTING) Where'd you do your time, pal? Up north. Club Fed Correctional. White collar. I learned a lot. It's all businessmen. Hey, how many grams of protein do you eat? How you fixed for a job now? (SIGHS) Well, it's not good. It's kind of hard when you got a record. I know. It doesn't feel real good when Mickey D's tells you you're not even good enough to make the French fries. We all make mistakes. Doesn't mean we have less right to a piece of the pie. Amino acids after you work out or before? Do you do it with smoothies, like, fruit smoothies, -or just, like, soy milk? -What? Don't mind him. What were you in for? (SNIFFING) -(SIGHS) -(GUN COCKING) (LAUGHING) -(CELL DOOR SHUTTING) -(SNIFFING) PAUL: Know why habit rhymes with rabbit? Cos your life disappears down a bunny hole, while you grow long sensitive ears to better hear the sound of sirens coming for you. Lucky for me, I got saved. Saving all of God's creatures was my special mission. (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (CHOKING) (GRUNTS) You know, the Son of God knew how to just say no. I guess you could say He's my role model. (CHURCH BELL RINGING) Why Miami? It was warm. It had beaches. And I didn't have any warrants in Florida. Chaplain at Attica said Pastor Randy had been down the habit road himself, so he'd help me. Curfew is 9am on weekdays, 10 on weekends. I've been there, dude. If you wanna rap, my door is always open. I like to rap. You'll find me very friendly. Just come in any time. Any time at all. I'm just Randy, man. PAUL: Daniel was really encouraging about my self-improvement. -And I needed a friend. -Oh! (LAUGHS) Hadn't really had a friend since Ma died. What do you think, you want to get a beer? I'm sober. That's a good thing. "A beer" is only an expression. Let's go get something to drink, -hang out. -OK. (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Make some noise for the great Sorina Luminita! -This is Solid Gold, Miami. -(PATRONS CHEERING, CATCALLING) ADRIAN: Hey, is that breast milk? -What? -Is that breast milk? Why would that be breast milk? Cos this is. Listen. You take this, you put it in there and you got the real HGH. I'm talking about a steroid shake! I got this pregnant chick I buy it from. She real clean too. -No. -No, no, no, for real. She just got her tests and everything. (PATRONS CONTINUE CATCALLING) Oh, my... You ever suck a pregnant woman tittie? Oh my God! This is so good! Come on, try some. It'll make you great, man! You already big, but you could be bigger, you know? I'm big! I'ma be swolled, though. Walk sideways through doors. You want some? We could be tittie brothers. (LAUGHS) Yeah! -I'm going to go with "no." Excuse me. -What you...? Now I'm the guy at the bar? Fine, keep my breast milk to myself. Hey, Paul? What do you think of Sorina? (GIGGLES) Wow, she's... Exactly. She's perfect! And we thought we were gonna have to cast in London. Please, tell me again about this movie you're making. No, it's not a movie, baby, it's a music video. But big budget. Sets, cars, Eiffel Tower. It's going to be amazing. Tell Sorina about the song, Paul. She's very excited. Enrique is our... is our lead singer. And he falls in love with a beautiful woman. -Me? -You're the leading lady! Yes, of course! And he follows this beautiful woman, you, all the way to London. SORINA: It all started in Transylvania. I was Miss Bucharest. Ludimila Draganesti is a whore! She show her vageena to the stupid judge. I knew the only place a woman like me could be appreciated was in United States. After all, it was the land of opportunity. -USA. Goodbye! -I saw Pretty Woman. All Julia Roberts had to do was show Richard Gere her pisda and she got a shopping trip to Beverly Hills. My pisda was so much nicer than hers. Then I met Daniel. He had that can-do spirit. Yes! Bang me harder! -Oh! The car... (SORINA MOANING) -(CAR ALARM WAILING) My American dream was finally coming true. That was great! PAUL: You can't just kidnap a guy and take his things! You can't do that. That's so illegal. DANIEL: Yes, we can. We're do-ers. Do-ers do. I can't do right now. I just got out of prison. DANIEL: That's fear, Paul. Goodnight, babe! -Bye. Do you know what fear is? False Evidence Appearing Real? That's a Jonny Wu line! False Evidence Appearing Real. You know Jonny Wu, too? I don't know anything about an Asian guy. That's an AA line. AA started in 1935, Akron, Ohio. And I want no part of this. You're on your own. -We're gonna do this. Yeah. -We're not gonna... -You're gonna do this with us. -I'm not. It's gonna be fun. You sure know how to pick 'em, DL. Dude's a freak of fucking nature. Ought to put a fence around him. ADRIAN: I'd do anything for Danny Lugo. He was my boy. As good to me as anyone ever was. He was a big-hearted motherfucker who I knew only had my best in mind. But the shit he was poppin'? This daffy plot he had percolating? I'd never been a crimer. Ain't never had a reason to be. (GIRLS ON TV MOANING) Goddamn! My shit stopped working. (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) Then all of a sudden, I had a reason. Mr Doorbal, are you currently using steroids? No, ma'am. Really? When's the last time you injected? Uh, Monday? Yesterday. OK. Um,... I'm just gonna put down "using." I threw them all out. I think they messed me up. Hmm. It's OK. You probably just have Defeated Phallus Syndrome. We, like, treat it here all the time. But don't worry, we can change all that. It's what we specialise in here. Penis magic. (CLICKS TONGUE) (SNIFFLING) Aw. It took a lot of balls to come in here. More like Raisinets. At least yours are chocolate-covered Raisinets. Eh? (PUCKERS LIPS) Uh... Oh. Sorry. It's just I find nothing sexier than a big black man in tears. I love me some rain on the African plain. I hope your girlfriend knows just how lucky she is. She would know if she existed, but she doesn't exist, so... I guess she don't know. Whoa. I just got a flash of us together on a water slide. (WHOOSHES) It's a steroid-induced impotence. But with a shot of an engorgital right into your penis, you will return to those beautiful, robust erections of your high-school days. You do remember your high-school days, don't you? Hell, yeah! (CHUCKLES) I used to have a nickname for my di... I mean, penis. I used to call him Ernesto. I used to call my vag Michelle. What? Just leave it up to me, and I'll have Ernesto up in high gear in no time. Those injections expensive, Doctor? They come with a price. PAUL: I was trying so hard to be good. But there was so much temptation in Miami. You should take a break. Oh, thanks, Father. Wow, the way your sweat's glistening off your muscles... You know, Jesus said, "Come to me, all who are weary, "and I will give you rest." I can give you rest, Paul. You're so buff. Why was he telling me I was buff? Hey, buddy! Thanks for coming. I've been thinking a lot about what you said. Things aren't working out too good at the church. -(GRUNTING) -(CLANGING) PAUL: I just snapped. -I almost killed him. -Don't sweat that, Paul. We go through with this, nobody gets hurt, right? Physically hurt? (LAUGHING) No, man! This is a straight-up kidnapping, that's all! It's like a snatch-and-grab. Very simple. We snatch him, we grab him, he signs a few signatures, we give him a protein shake and we show him the door. -He doesn't even know what happened! He thinks he made a deal! Right? -Huh. Listen. I watch a lot of movies, Paul. I know what I'm doing. (DOOR CHIMING) This is the shit, man! -Adrian, put those down, will you? -Sorry, gentlemen. Police use only. Tampa PD, brother. It's OK. In that case, I need to see badges. We're, uh, retired. Off, the, uh... off the job. And now we're doing security for a, um, for a rock group called, uh, Stryper, -if you've heard... -(CHUCKLES) Oh, I've heard... -Never again will an oppressor... -BOTH: ...overrun my people! For now I'm keeping watch! -That's the gospel, yeah! -(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY) And people say Christian rock sucks. Who says that? Yeah, who? Nobody. I mean, well, fucking assholes do. Huh. Oh... You know, I, uh... I actually thought that Stryper broke up. They're actually having a reunion tour (STAMMERING) in Jerusalem. Ooh! And they need extra security. Look, we wish we didn't have to go there, but, uh, but as you know, it's not the world we live in now, brother. So true. Hmm. So, what can I do you for? We're looking for merchandise to shock, incapacitate and imprison our fellow man. OK, seriously, you're gonna love this, all right? I've done it before, so come on. Just hit me. Come on, just hit me, hit me! Come on, do it! Hit me! Hit me! -(TASER CRACKLING) -(SCREAMING) (RAP MUSIC) DANIEL: That moment, I knew I assembled the right crew. Doyle and Doorbal, stone-cold ballers from the old school. -Now, test phase. -(SHOTGUN COCKS AND FIRES) The best way to do a human extraction like this, in a location like this, would be through the water, but we don't have a boat, so we're going in by land. We're gonna hit the bushes and get to blue point two within five seconds. Here we get a clear view of our entry point. PAUL: Danny was a mastermind! We hit him in the house as soon as possible, bring him out right through the front door, through the bushes and back to the van. Delta Force could do a mission like this in probably 53 seconds. With our athletic superiority, we should be able to do it in about 40. All right? One problem. He's got a live-in maid, so if she's there, we knock her out on the way out. ADRIAN: I knew Danny was making most of this shit up. But it didn't matter. We were going to be fucking rich. (RAP MUSIC CONTINUES) (SPEAKING HEBREW) Back! He's having Shabbat! Oh shit. Go, go, go, go, go! DANIEL: Mission abort! Mission abort! PAUL: We're gonna get caught! We're gonna get caught! DANIEL: Mission abort! Mission abort! Mission abort! PAUL: I don't want to go back to prison! DANIEL: Block him in. You guys jump out the back, we snatch him. PAUL: I honestly don't know how he figures this stuff out. DANIEL: Here. Ninja. That's your suit right there. Green bug. -ADRIAN: No, man. -Are you serious? -Yeah. -How does he get to be a ninja? Eagle is on the move. He's carrying a bag of charcoal. White shorts. He's coming to us. Prepare to neutralise the target. PAUL: Shit, he's coming, he's coming! DANIEL: Come on, come on, come on! Hurry up! Hurry up! (ENGINE REVVING) (TYRES SCREECHING) Go, go, go, go, go! Get him! Get him! Get him! What the hell? -Asswipe! -Did you get him? -Prick. -DANIEL: Where is he? -Fucking maniac. ADRIAN: What the fuck? He was just here! PAUL: Where'd he go? You see him? DANIEL: Where the hell is he? You've gotta be fucking kidding me! -PAUL: There he is! -Fuck! You got the wrong BMW? PAUL: It's two exact BMW's! I told you to check the licence plate! It was an honest mistake! Yo, we thought it was the car. It looks exactly the same. I told you, M98305 "Miami Bitch"! Is that too hard? -It was an honest... -DANIEL: Fuck that! -Fuck you! I can deal with his impotence, I cannot deal with your incompetence! What the fuck? You were a bit of a disappointment today. You're reassigned to Eagle's Nest. Tomorrow we get our prize. Schlotzsky's. -Goddamn it! -(GROANING) There's this crazy new thing called "hygiene." Look at yourselves! You handle food. What are we talking here, herpes? Don't they feed you at home, chunky trunks, huh? Yeah. Then can we stick smidge of pastrami in the sandwiches, just for the novelty? Fucking Pimple and Blimpie here. What the fuck do you want? (YELLING) (GRUNTING) What is this about? Who the fuck are you? -(TASER CRACKLING) -(SCREAMS) ADRIAN: (WHOOPING) Do these tasers rock or what? (WHIMPERING) -What do you want? -You gonna call home. You gonna tell your baby mamacita she gonna take the kid and go home to Colombia, immediately! And she tells no one. Especially la policia. Because if she does, that's a big fucking problem for you, man. -MAID: Hello? -No, no, just get Mrs Kershaw. -She's at her tennis lesson. -She's not there! She's not home! ADRIAN: Tell her to get her, you piece of shit! (CRACKLING) DANIEL: You knocked him out, man! What the fuck did you do that for? -Put the fucking thing away! -OK, OK. I need to read the manual. DANIEL: You don't fucking need it any more. Here. You take it. DANIEL: (ON RADIO) Eagle's Nest is coming in hot. Rat's in the cage. Over. Patriot Two? Patriot Two? Roger that, Patriot One. Uh... Didn't you say that your friend kept athletic supplies here in his warehouse? DANIEL: Do we have to have this conversation now? Over. What's the issue? I'm looking at a lot of homo stuff right now, Patriot One. -A lot. -Oh, such a fucking moron! Patriot Two, we're a little busy here. Come on, man. PAUL: It was what I thought it was. DANIEL: (ON RADIO) Target time in five seconds, four, three, two, one. Open the frickin' gate, man! PAUL: These things were weird, but amazing. DANIEL: Open the F-ing gate, Patriot Moron Two. -(VICTOR GROANING) -(MEN GRUNTING) DANIEL: Out, now! Cover him up. -(VICTOR SCREAMING) -Vamonos! VICTOR: Please! ADRIAN: Shut up! (PANTING) (ALL GRUNTING) (GASPING) VICTOR: My grandfather fled Germany in 1943. No... I was born in Bogota, grew up in New York City. Put myself through college working six nights a week at Pizza Hut. Busted my ass, but ended up comptroller of a billion dollar pipeline in the rectum of the Third World. I put up with shit they don't have names for in civilisation. Funny, I left South America because there was too much kidnapping. That's what you call irony. But if they think a little slapping around's gonna break me, they don't know Victor Pepe Kershaw. Somebody want to tell me what the hell is going on here? (IN HISPANIC ACCENT) I struggle, Vic. I wake up each day and try to live a life dedicated to self-improvement. To finding a personal path that allows me to employ my special gifts. Like tying guys to chairs and sticking pliers up their nose? You shut your mouth while the man's talking! You gotta be quiet, Victor. Like a mouse. I see guys like you my whole life. You roll into this country, and America, she just spreads her pretty cheeks. Meantime, native sons of the red, white and blue are left broken, snuffling for your crumbs! You're broke, you dumb shit, because you never went to college. Thereby guaranteeing you were going to spend the rest of your life obsessing over pectoral muscles. (WITHOUT ACCENT) Why'd you say that? Why'd you say that, you piece of shit, about pectoral muscles? (CLANGING) -What's going on? -DANIEL: What's going on? What's going on is this dude seems to think he knows who the fuck I am! No, I don't, I don't. DANIEL: Tell me why the fuck you said that! Well, you're going to fucking tell me! You're going to fucking tell me now! -(DANIEL GRUNTS) -(VICTOR GROANS) -Come on, man. -DANIEL: Fuck that. -Tell me. -No! DANIEL: I don't know if you realise this, Victor, but you're not going anywhere anytime soon. You're going to tell me. Get him up! Now! Get him up! -(GROANS) Your cologne, Danny. Your stinky, awful, vanilla, disgusting cologne. VICTOR: As soon as I said it, I knew I'd sealed my fate. My goddamn half-Colombian, half-Jew temper. Killing me is not going to give you job skills, Danny. (GROANS) I don't just want everything you have; I want you not to have it. What are we gonna do now? What do you mean, "What are we gonna do?" We're doing it. Everything's under control. You better fucking man up. We're gonna make some phone calls. You hear me, Victor? PAUL: This was supposed to be easy. (PHONE RINGING) VICTOR: (ON MACHINE) Yes, you've reached the office of Victor Pepe Kershaw. I'm not in to take your call right now, because I'm being held hostage by a bunch of fucking body...! -(GRUNTING) -(GROANING) -(MACHINE BEEPS) -...Kershaw. I'm not in to take your call right now. Please leave a message at the tone. And for God's sake, help me! My asshole trainer, Daniel... (MUFFLED GROANING) (MACHINE BEEPS) OK. It won't happen again. I understand. -(MACHINE BEEPS) -Please leave a message and a designated representative -will get back you. -(MACHINE BEEPS) Gentlemen, it's me. Listen closely. -Rabbi Melman, Gut Yontiff. (GRUNTS) (STAMMERING) I'm fine. I just banged my shin. Take the kid to your parents until I can get this worked out. And not a word to the police, baby, OK? Not one word. I don't need a secretary any more. OK, you're fired! There's complex engineering in these things. No necesita... You know, to clean la casa. Jack, it's very simple. I've fallen in love with a younger woman, and we're relocating to San Juan. I know... (GROANS) OK, take care. DANIEL: All right, we're good here. Patriot Two, you got first watch. -(VICTOR SOBBING) -First watch? DANIEL: Uh-huh. -I gotta watch him? -Yeah. -We're gonna be alone? -We're gonna rotate. I gotta go to work! We gotta keep up appearances. -What do you want me to do? -Keep an eye on him! -He's crying! -That's OK, he'll stop. -(TRAINERS YELLING INDISTINCTLY) -JOHN: Late three times in a row. DANIEL: Tiffany, did my 11 call? Mr Kershaw? He didn't call, Mr Lugo. I don't know... My body's top priority. DANIEL: Everything was falling into place. VICTOR: (YELLING) Anybody here? I need a drink! Somebody? -I need a drink! -Um... Somebody! PAUL: Uh,... we don't keep spirits here. And I'm sober. VICTOR: No shit! -Me too. -You are? So cool. Praise Jesus! Got my chip and everything. That was a proud moment. (SIGHS) You should be proud. There you go. You know, when I was in prison, I was clean for nearly a year. -Yeah? -Yeah. A week before I got sprung, I had a little pruno slip. -Huh? -Pruno is prison wine. I made the best pruno in the yard. You know what? Maybe the real reason I'm here is to help you get through another day sober. -That's heavy. -It really is. I know. It truly is. I'm sorry about all this. Everything. Oh, no, no. It's OK. Shit happens. Forget it. (STUTTERING) But really, maybe I was sent as a reminder. Do you believe in that stuff? Higher-power stuff? I live it. OK. You think I could get another one of those Taco Supremes? Yeah. Sure. There you go. We'll switch. Mmm. Oh yeah. Oh baby. (CHUCKLES) -They're even better cold. -(CHUCKLES) -You must be so hungry. -Mmm. You are so much nicer than the other two. (CHUCKLES) Ah, they're sweet guys. You just don't know them yet. But thank you for the compliment. See, the simple fact that you are defending them suggests that you are nicer than they are. I'm just saying. You're a Jew, right? Yes, I am. Half-Jew. You have a problem with that? I think I can help you. That would be great. How? I mean, how so? (SIGHS) Victor, do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal saviour? Victor? -I do. -(SIGHS) That felt great. (SIGHS) How did you do that? I have a gift. It's a gift. (MUFFLED) You're good. (FUNKY MUSIC) DANIEL: Busy day! Wake him up. -Get up! -(WHIMPERING) (GROANING) Oh yeah. Look at that. DANIEL: Get some paper towels, damn it! ADRIAN: Yeah. DANIEL: Shit! If there's pee on the policy, they'll think he's incontinental and flag it! Shit! It's not "incontinental," you moron. It's "incontinent." You really are a brilliant criminal mind, Lugo. Well, I'm smart enough not to be the one cuffed to a couch, about to get cleaned the fuck out. This one's gonna require your signature. Bing! (GRUNTING) No fucking way. (GROANING) PAUL: I know you can't see me, Victor, but I have a look of suspicion on my face. VICTOR: What's there to be suspicious about? I would like to call you Eldad. In Hebrew, it means Beloved of God. Would that be OK, my friend? I would be honoured, Victor. -PAUL: Pepe was my second friend. -(RECORD SCRATCHING) ADRIAN: It's my shift, bro. Go home. Go to church or whatever you do. It's my torture chamber now. DANIEL: Doyle was taking extra shifts with Kershaw. And, yes, it was getting my attention. DANIEL: Sorina, you home? What the hell are you doing? Trying to see who you really are. A big music video director does not need these glasses that see in the dark! I don't want you going through my stuff. OK? These are not toys. Big director driving your pussy-ass Fiero with the Scooby-Doo seats! I need you to sit down right now and listen very carefully. You know where I've been all day? I've been at headquarters in Langley, Virginia. I haven't been truthful with you, and, believe me, it hurts. You have got to understand my work. I'm in the CIA. Now, good men have died to keep what I just told you a secret. CIA? Like the CIA-police CIA? Those goggles, they're government issue, and, I guess in a way, so am I. (GASPS) CIA, Daniel? -That is so hot! -No, no, no, no, no. It's better you hear it all. I... (SIGHS) I mean, I've seen things, OK? Done things. One time in Hong Kong, I had to live for a week in a tree. No food, no bathroom, no nothing. You poor, poor baby! I am so sorry! You know, this is the real reason I approached you. -Me? -Yes. Do you think you can handle being an operative? Oh my God, Daniel, yes! I'll do anything! -You know my associate, Paul? The big guy? -Yeah, the weird guy? Yeah. You're gonna have to work close with him. This is my adopted country. I'll die for it. Daniel, did you ever catch a spy girl? And then maybe have to be spanking her. Yeah, and calling her dirty, Commie-sucking whore. Whatever it takes. "...which has been trading on the NYSE since 1972." -NYSE? -New York Stock Exchange. -Oh. I'm from New York. All right, next... (CLEARS THROAT) I can read to you about the Unabomber. Scary. (YELLING) (GRUNTS) Oh! Damn it! Why'd you make me do that to you, Victor? I have responsibilities! Jesus Christ Himself has blessed me with many gifts! One of them is knocking someone the fuck out! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Pepe, you OK? Pepe? It's Eldad. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Hello, James Bond. Why so sad? -I had to hurt a man today. -Wow. -I didn't want to, cos I like him. But he forced me to. Look, in your line of work, people do get hurt. -OK. -Danny tells me I'm with you now. We work together, we play together. For king and country. Playing together sounds good. Very good. I still have no idea what you're talking about right now. -Oh, it's OK. I know who you are. -Well, you should, cos we've met. Tell me about the playing again? I woke up this morning in a state of excitement, lap dancing the day away. PAUL: It's like the Bible says... you give and get back a hundredfold. And then some greasy pudge-bunny comes and takes it all away. Me and the lady were having a conversation. You should never wear yellow, pal. Little kids might think you're a school bus and climb on for a ride. PAUL: His name was Frank Griga, and he was the third richest man in Golden Beach. (CHUCKLES) I didn't know any of that then. All I knew was that he was a douche. DANIEL: We were three weeks in and Victor wasn't breaking. -You got a racing dog, huh? -Mm-hm. Hey! So, Mr Kershaw sold you Tasty Reuben? Yep. Tasty Reuben's all mine now. Let's try something new. This one, I think, is gonna be a fan favourite. -(SIZZLING) -(GROANING) -You ready to sign now? -(STRAINED) No! DANIEL: The guy was fierce. ADRIAN: Ha! Come on, come on! Hey, baby! Where did you get that dog? I got somebody here that wants to meet you! (LAUGHING) Oh my God, I love him! VICTOR: Lugo, you can get my life, but you can't have my shit! DANIEL: All I wanted was a little effort, baby. Eat me, Doogie. DANIEL: He never worked this hard in the gym. But I did. I break guys for a living. -Are you ready to sign now? -Fuck you! -Take him around again. (GROANING) I hate you. BANK MANAGER: Mm-hm. Good. Good. Hmm. Uh-oh. -Is... Is there a problem? -No, there shouldn't be a problem. It's just that all of these transfer documents need to be witnessed by a notary public. -Well, can't you do that? -We'd be delighted. We just need you and Mr Kershaw to sign the documents in the presence of our notary. But Mr Kershaw is overseas in Europe saving elephants. So, you can just... It's OK. Well, around here, we call that a problem. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Meet the all-new King Meaty at BK. With Ploughman's Chutney, a third-pound Angus beef patty, Tendercrisp chicken, bacon and a hint of vegetable. It's all part of the irresistible new Meatatarian Range. JOHN: Put it in the trash, with the rest of my dreams. -DANIEL: No contest, John? -Lost the sponsor. Chapter 11. I told you Amino Tropical Blast's benefits were totally undocumented. Can I see you in the office for a minute, John? -You're still a notary, aren't you? -Yeah. Technically, I guess. Why? Well, I was hoping you could transfer some property. I made a deal with a friend of mine. Just bring him by tomorrow. Look, my friend, he cannot come back, OK? This is a very unique situation. He's out there trying to impact the world in a positive way. No, that's the only reason for a notary, is that I have to witness the signing of the document. Otherwise, somebody could just come in off the street, forge somebody's signature and take all their shit. You know, I got a stamp. No, you can't borrow my stamp. That's sacred. What the fuck are notaries, man? We're officers of the law. Remember this chick? Shelley? Used to work here? Black chick? I fucked her. Big slut. -Oh, John? -Yeah. You know, I, um, I might have found a sponsor for your competition. You ever heard of Schlotzsky's? JOHN: The signature's a little off here, but no big deal. JOHN: All right, down, down, down! Just... There, there, there, there, there, there! (LAUGHS) Love it! DANIEL: Finger one, find somebody with money. Check. Finger two, make him give you everything he owns. $3 million house, 500,000 cash. Check. Finger three, make America a better place. PAUL: You said no violence. No bad violence! (SIGHS) I know! OK? And I meant it when I said it, I swear to God. All right? But this guy, he knows who I am. He could ID me. All right? That's gonna lead them to you. -I cannot kill. -Duly noted. All right? But if you had to do it, you would adapt. You would reach down deep, right? What do you mean, "reach down deep"? What if I reach down and there's nothing there? Then we give you bus money and you're off the team. That's harsh. I want to be on the team. I want you to be on the team. OK? And the Good Lord wants you to be rich! All right? But he could put us all away. He saw us, big guy. He saw you. Do you want to go back? I'm not gonna let him do that to you. I'm not gonna let that happen to you. You're not going back! Look, when this is over, we'll all go camping. OK? -All right. -OK. -And, meanwhile, make him comfy, all right? Just get him drunk. I can't do that. Why? Pepe is sober. Do me a favour, OK? Don't call him Pepe like you were in sixth grade together. VICTOR: (GASPING) Hey. (WHISPERING) Are we alone? -Yeah. -(SOBS) Would you... Would you help me... help me escape? You need money. I've got money. You can have it all. -Everything. -Victor, Victor. (SOBBING) I don't want to die, Eldad. Not now. My son... Look, Victor. Victor. This will all be over very soon. (COUGHING) We're gonna get you on a plane tonight. We know someone at the airport who's gonna get you out of the country tonight, but the only way he's gonna do it is if you're knee-walking drunk. You won't remember his face. You have to. You're going to need a drink if I die, you half-a-retard! And when I get to heaven, I'm going to tell Jesus what you did. You're not going to tell Jesus anything. -(GROANS) -I'm doing you a favour! (SPUTTERING) -I'm giving you a private jet! -Whisking you out of the country! (BOTTLE SMASHES) VICTOR: (SLURRING) Hey, this don't look like an airport. (MUMBLING UNINTELLIGIBLY) Where's my jet? PAUL: Don't worry, you're still going home. -A thousand bucks if I smash him into that fucking backhoe! -ADRIAN: Do it. -A thousand? -A thousand! -Drink some! Drink some! -Hey... Son of a... Oh my God. -VICTOR: Hey, I have a... (GRUNTS) -Calm the fuck down. (ENGINE REVVING) -(TYRES SCREECHING) -(GRUNTS) Yes! I fucking told you! (LAUGHS) (GROANS) Lucky I had an airbag. You put on his fucking seat belt? Yeah. It is the law. You don't put on a seat belt, you'll hurt your face with the airbag. That's what they tell you. "Buckle up. It's the law." His blood alcohol's up to his ears! Nobody would expect him to buckle up! Yeah, I concur. That was real stupid. You just made a good man suffer. -This is going fucking perfect! -Perfect. -Get the gas can now! You're siding with him? I was like the Iceman, OK? Bull's-eye! Strike! Suckers. I'll get the gas can. I'll be alone. Hey, Pepe, it's Eldad. You OK? Don't do that right now, please. Don't. VICTOR: (SLURRING) All good, Eldad. ADRIAN: Let's go. Let's go, let's go. -(CAR DOOR CLOSES) -Hurry up. Uh-oh. Paul, just run him over. DANIEL: Yeah, just start the car and just run him over. I can't start the car and run him over. We... Paul, your friend Pepe is on fire. He's going to die anyway. Do you want him to suffer, or you want to take him out of his misery? You can do this, OK? Start the car, put it in gear and run him over. I don't know, DL. That's hardcore, man. Start the fucking car and go! (CAR STARTS) -(ENGINE REVVING) -(TYRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) All right, back over him. Get it over quick. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. Just do it! Don't make Pepe suffer. (GROANS) No! (SCREAMING) (YELLING) -(GURGLING) -(CRUNCHING) I knew you could do it, Paul. You just killed a man. We did. No, you did it. I just provided options. Why are you saying I did it? -We did it. -No, you drove. It's... It's a good thing. Tell him. (SIRENS WAILING) VICTOR: No, this wasn't heaven. I wasn't transported to some celestial space given my newfound bullshit Christianity. This isn't that kind of story. But you know how I knew these monkeys were rank fucking amateurs? Because I was still alive. You can beat me, rob me, hang me like dry cleaning, burn my fucking hair off, but don't tell me you're taking me to the airport when really you're going to kill me. And if you are going to kill me, you damn well better do it. -(GROANING) -Mm! Hey, baby doll. Thought we almost lost you there for a while. OK, let me explain to you about your face. (MUFFLED) Holy shit! I was tasered by ninjas. Is that tyre tread on your forehead? Yes, for the 15th time, it is. They did this to me! Drove right over my face. So, you're from Colombia originally. I got run over here. In America. Not in Colombia! I'm not sure I like your attitude, sir. Shut the hell up, Baby Huey! I'm going to kill him. Listen to me. I just lost my family, my business, and half of my nose. I almost bit my tongue off. Got my bank accounts cleaned out. You think I give a rat's ass if you don't like my attitude? FEMALE DETECTIVE: We could arrest you. Your blood alcohol was four times the limit. Is this her first day? Just tell me if this is Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. Don't you listen? They forced chocolate liqueur down me! The evil ninja weightlifters? Those are the guys? You should cut some of that fuzz out of your ears! Daniel Lugo. Write it down. From what I hear, Mr Vic "Pepe" Kershaw, they sell quite a bit of drugs in Colombia. God, I can't believe this! I'm having trouble with it myself. You say you were bound, abused and roughed up by a group of bodybuilders. Was this a sex thing? What? One very large burnt dildo, baseball-sized anal beads found in the back of your car. Not normal stuff. We're finding it hard to believe that no one reported you missing. Not one single person. This could be a wake-up call, buddy. (STAMMERING) Wait a second. Is that all I get? Get back here! I don't believe a word he said. DANIEL: We stack-loaded 3000 protein calories. Looking tough, feeling tough. We were going to rock it. We didn't find Kershaw's obit. We found him alive, at the hospital. So we had some unfinished business. Oh! I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to make it. -Can you keep him quiet? -(GROANING) -VICTOR: Oh Christ. (SEAGULLS CAWING) ED: Being a cop for so long, I've learned that people's lives are usually linear. Until they're not. Comes a day for just about everyone when A suddenly skips B and careens to polka-dot weird W. Best move I ever made was marrying Sissy. Sweetie pie, are you deaf? The phone has rung, like, 19 times. -(PHONE RINGING) -20. -Sorry, babe, I didn't hear it. After I retired, I reopened the detective agency my old man used to own. But after a few years, Sissy begged me to retire from that too. She said I'd earned my relaxing years with long, lazy days full of golf and fishing. Except the only thing I hate more than golf is fishing. -Du Bois Investigators, Inc. -Is this Ed Du Bois the Second? -Actually, it's Ed the Third. -VICTOR: I want Ed the Second. He's dead. And I'm retired. I'm guessing you're looking at a hell of an old yellow pages, buddy. Everything's old in this frickin' hospital. -(TOILET FLUSHING) -It just shot out of my ass! -I couldn't help it. -NURSE: (GASPS) Oh! Oh God. He should be ejected from this facility! NURSE: Oh my God. Not you. (STAMMERING) I need your help. I'm a desperate man. What did you say your name was? (ELEVATOR DINGS) DANIEL: The team explored a number of infiltration procedures. Adrian even offered to stage a diversionary fistfight in the hall. We decided against that. But I can't say that what the police told you is far from my own analysis. I have to entertain the possibility that you might be lying. DANIEL: There was one major problem. This fucking archaic line-directory system throughout the whole entire the hospital. It took us an hour just to find the ICU. VICTOR: Please believe me, it happened just the way I say it did. Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Mr Kershaw, -but I can't take the case. -I'm a dead man. A hospital is a very public place. Anybody could gain access to your room. If it were me, and some large men were trying to re-kill me, and I wanted to stay un-dead, I'd get the hell out of there. Fast. (DISCONNECTS) DANIEL: In the end, after reviewing our past performance, we could come to only one conclusion. We're so much better when we wing it. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) DOCTOR: Can I help you with something? I'm Dr Lowenstein, uh, Mr Kershaw's primary care physician. He didn't mention anything. Oh, well, I'm, uh... I'm over at Miami General. Where is Victor? He checked himself out, against my advice. I think the visit from the police scared him. Police? What did they want? They didn't seem too thrilled by Mr Kershaw's account of events. He claimed he'd been tortured. By bodybuilders. -Bodybuilders? -Yes. This is a case of delusional alcoholism. It's not uncommon. You know, I warned him about that. Why are you dressed for surgery in our hospital? Well, I like to be prepared for anything. (DANCE MUSIC) Gentlemen? ADRIAN: Oh shit. So, what if he goes to the cops? He already did. You know what happened? Nothing! Because they figured out what we already know, that Victor Kershaw is a half-criminal prick who deserved bad shit to happen to him. Yeah. So what? You might feel a little prick. Oh yeah! It's a little less than what I'm used to, but what the heck? (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) I'm going to rock your world. Ninja style. (BOTH MOANING) I told you we'd fix it at the magic penis shop. (LAUGHS) -Mmm... (MOANS) -Oh yeah! (MOANS) -No way! -No, this is your house. -(GASPS) -PAUL: Jesus may exalt. -But cocaine is king. -(SNIFFING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING CONTINUES) Mm-hm. Dry humping. (MOANS) This is such nice, supple leather. Asshole. I know what you're looking at. Now look at this. I don't have a home, you putz! (CAN CLATTERS) (GROANING) Oh jeez! Hey, Kershaw! It's Ed Du Bois! Jesus. Sometimes it takes me a while to make up my mind. Nice place. -How'd you find me? -Cab driver at the hospital. (SIGHS) I paid him 20 not to talk. This shit's my new best friend. I'm gonna look into your case, Victor, but if you're not telling me the truth, you're gonna be in a lot more trouble than when you started. So, why are you helping me? Well, what they did to you is un-American. Real reason. Catching bad guys is finer. Now, won't you tell me your story again, hmm? From the beginning. Just give me one more of those blue ones. You've had enough. -Hey, there. -Hey. -Hey, we didn't see you move in. Oh, you know, most of my things are being shipped. What happened to the Kershaws? You know, I don't know the specifics, but they must have really been underwater, because they practically gave me the house. I mean, I had asked the guy from the bank and he thinks that the guy ran off with some girl that he met in Havana, like one of those sex vacations. Jeez! Man, you think you know people. Yeah. Although Victor liked to talk about sex a lot. Brad MacCalister. Tom... Lawn. -Gotcha. -Yeah. That's a pretty professional looking hoop -you got there. -Yeah. Look at you, already improving the place. Well, that's what I do. You know, I saw your wife drop off a gang of kids, figured they could come by anytime and shoot a round. I've done a bit of coaching, so... Hey, that sounds terrific. Use your elbows, you little pussy! (GRUNTS) Oh, tell your mama! -Damn! -Sucker! Oh! -(BOY GROANS) What the hell are you doing on the ground? -That hurts. -Well, it's supposed to hurt! That pain's what's gonna save your life. Your cells remember where it hurts and that's where they get strong. It's called pain and gain, Rusty. Don't be a little bitch. You gonna man up? You better, cos right now your sister's stronger than you. Give me your hand. Get up! What are you looking at, you little chubby broad? Don't eyeball me, boy. I see your mother driving up and down the street looking at me. I'll be your stepfather in about a week. DANIEL: I love my new home, my new neighbourhood and my little brat-pack crew. I kept it real with them little motherfuckers and they kept it real with me. (GRUNTS) That's 315, close grip. All right, benching builds your pecs. We got no homos in this gang, right? All right, good. And if you bachelors like girls, listen to the Lawn Dawg. No hottie can resist dope pecs. You want to chase tail with me in South Beach on my Puppy Luv? Huh? Or do you want to look at your little nuts in the mirror and see if you got any peach fuzz? All right, good. Wow! DANIEL: Hey, guys. You like it? Yeah. Oh, I love the sexy casa! -(SORINA SQUEALS) -(LAUGHING) You guys like that? You like that fine Russian pussy? That was mine. I gave it to him. Like nothing. Now if we're gonna roll, we're gonna chase tail, we got to do it my way, OK? No pickle-licking around here. Let's go. Break it off. Remind your folks about Neighbourhood Watch, OK? You, you, you and you, jog it home. -All right, big man. -ADRIAN: All right, brother. DANIEL: Let's race the Porsche, baby. PAUL: Let's do it. DANIEL: Come on. It's money. (CAMERA CLICKING) I'll get the turbo. ED: And this Adrian Doorbal, he paid in cash? Yes. 100,000. -Cash? -Cash. -This didn't surprise you. -No. I thought maybe he was in sports, rap. You know, he is black. Well, you don't think it was strange that Mr Kershaw never said goodbye? WOMAN: He was a dick. Always making fat jokes. One time he told me if I can cut out snacking, that they can cure world hunger. Yeah, he can be kind of rude that way. What do you think of the new guy? DANIEL: Our Neighbourhood Watch is about to start. Can I get everybody's attention? Would you like one? Those are so cute. They're like little edible penises. I wish they had them in the strip club. They're great nibblers. This is delicious. And so easy, from freezer to microwave to mouth. (CHUCKLES) Stan. Now, we'd all like to believe we're safe here in Old Cutler Cove Estates. I know I feel more snug and secure than I've ever. And I feel very welcome, and I want to thank you all for that. OK? But this is a very serious situation. OK? There are bad guys out there that are waiting for good people like us to drop our guard. Bad guys are everywhere. I should know, OK. I work for the government. And I've been to prison. And it sucks! At this first meeting of the Neighbourhood Watch, Peter, Dick and I will demonstrate a few ways we can keep ourselves safe. My pal, Dick... -(SNAPPING FINGERS) -Yeah. ...who works with me at the government, will now hand out your preparedness packs. Right. That means we have to hand out the preparedness packs, -thank you. -PAUL: Yeah. Right away. In our own corner of the American dream, safety requires vigilance. OK, look at our chart here. Number one thing, vigilance equals safety. -(SNIFFING) -Number two, recognising... PAUL: Oh baby. That's the one. Yeah. OK. First thing, recognising a potential attacker. Sorry about that. There it is. Peter? -ADRIAN: Safety pack. -(SNIFFLING) Each family gets a pack. Each pack has pepper spray and a taser. Ladies, these things work. You can zap a guy's balls off with one hit, all right. -OK! The lovely Sorina here... -Ta-da! -...is going to be the victim. Who wants to volunteer to be a rapist? MAN 1: Oh, sure. MAN 2: Right here! Me. Pick me. Can you pick me? Can you pick me? We're only picking one, guys. This is not a gang rape, OK. You sit down. We'll take Brad. Yes! BRAD: He picked me, he picked me. Hi, I'm Brad. You touch her, I'll fuck you up! -Hey! -Nice meeting you. Dick. This is only a simulation, OK? Calm it down. PAUL: Well, that's what I'd do in this situation. I'd fuck him up! Paul, now. I had to grab her ass. I was the rapist! -You're a perv. -It was role playing. DANIEL: What the hell are you doing? "What?" You look like shit. I feel like I look great. We cannot afford to mess this up. I agree. You don't need all this Kumbaya shit. Excuse me? I blended in, OK? I'm an influential member of this community now. Have some respect and act accordingly. SORINA: Paul? The hotel wants you to pay your $47,000 bill or they're kicking us out. (PAUL GROANING) Yeah, honey? -(GRUNTS) I'm praying. -Well, (VOICE ECHOING) you should pray for $500 to relocate a pair of Jimmy Choos from Neiman's to my shoe closet. Secret Agent Sorina needs pimpy shoes for proper spying. Secret agent, Jimmy Choo shoes, I got it. Mmm. (KISSES) (GROANING) Jimmy Choo shoes. Cash. PAUL: Sometimes, when you hit rock bottom, you happen to be on the 20th floor. I had a choice. Take the fast way down, or find a way to keep climbing. Lord God, this place is depressing. -And so is this. -(VICTOR GRUNTS) No matter how it gets there, your John Hancock shows notarised, even at a 90-degree angle. It's all legal and binding. Oh, funny thing, when a man's blindfolded, electro-shocked, beaten with sex toys, and hung like dry cleaning, he tends to sign just about anything. The Sun Gym Gang has successfully acquired every asset you had. And they're enjoying it. So I don't have a move? Because if that's true, I'm not paying you a fucking dime! You don't have a fucking dime. Now I go to work. (CAMERA WHIRRING) After a couple months with us, you won't recognise yourself, trust me. I trust you. As you can see here, we've got all brand new Cybex equipment. All the latest stuff. Want to start with some curls? You have the perfect frame for bodybuilding. I'm going to get you so jacked. What kind of work do you do, Ed? Benches, birdbaths, stuff like that. Oh yeah? I got a pretty big yard myself. Oh, yeah? Where? Wow. I didn't know trainers did so well. You know, you believe you deserve it, the universe... ...will serve it. Yeah, I've heard that before. -Jonny Wu says that. -Yeah. TV commercial. I love that guy. All right, let's hit the chest press. Lawn supplies, huh? I got me a riding mower. Snapper 342, you know it? (GRUNTING SOFTLY) Yeah, it's a beauty. It's a zero-turn model, right? Yep. It's got one of the best decks around. It even stands up to Florida's sandy soil. You might be my new favourite client. Now, come on, you're growing. Let's go. Let's go stretch those pecs. - How'd you happen to choose this gym? - A friend of mine recommended it. He said you worked him over pretty good. (CHUCKLES) That's what I like to hear. Who's that? Victor Kershaw. How is Vic? I don't really know. I can't get him on the phone. (GROANING) -Well, maybe he's on vacation. -Who's that? -Kershaw. Oh, yeah. I'm sure that's what it is. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You need data ` for dating sites, like Honey Badger. (LAUGHS) You do have a girlfriend. You need less data and more calls ` lovey-dovey calls. # You make me... # You don't have a girlfriend again. She won't return your calls. You need more text. Things change. Now your Prepay can too. Get more of what you need and less of what you don't with Vodafone My Flex Prepay. -(PEOPLE TALKING EXCITEDLY) -(GLASS CLINKING) -To my dearest Adrian. -(BOTH CHUCKLING) -You are my sun, my moon, my Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. -(GUESTS LAUGHING) -I love that show. (BOTH GRUNTING) (YELLING) GUARD: He got the bag! He got the bag! -(WOMAN SCREAMS) -(PEOPLE CLAMOURING) -(HORN BLARING) (TYRES SCREECHING) (MEN SHOUTING) (PANTING) (PANTING, GRUNTING) (ALL LAUGHING) he said to me, "Never marry a black man." I don't know why. He thought they were all dodgy. But he's dead now. From racism. No, it was a cement truck. (POLICE SIREN WAILING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) Hello. Is the haircut line here? I just need a little trim. (GRUNTS) Oh shit. -(YELLS IN PAIN) -(WOMEN EXCLAIMING) -Oh shit! (GROANS) GUARD 1: He's over here! GUARD 2: Come on down here. -In here, go. -Freeze! -(GRUNTS) (WOMEN SCREAMING) -(GRUNTS) -(WOMAN SCREAMS) -(GUNSHOTS) (OFFICERS YELLING) PAUL: Well, this plan didn't work. -(TYRES SCREECHING) -OFFICER: Cover the back! She makes me the happiest man in the world! (GUESTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) PAUL: This plan was just practice. (SIRENS WAILING) But I had another plan. Frank Griga, the phone-sex douche from the club. He wouldn't be as easy as a bank. But as it turns out... OFFICER: In the water! Fire! ...a bank wasn't all that easy. (MUFFLED SHOUT) (MUFFLED) Motherfucker! (SIREN WAILING) Fuck! That's all I got. What a dick. Lugo? (GROANS) Hey, Lugo! Goddang it. Oh. Oh, Danny. Danny? -Will you shut the fuck up? -(GROANS) -Slow down, Paul. Did you do something bad? You're all fucking green. I fucked up! Oh, I've got to sit down. (GROANS) Oh! (GRUNTING) Dan... Oh! Oh! They got my toe, Danny! -They got my toe. -Jesus! I know, Jesus! (STAMMERS) You can see the bone. Put that fucking thing away now! No, Paul, they can't, OK? Because that's gonna bring questions and the fucking heat. God gave you 10, now you got nine. You've got to deal with that, OK? Frank Griga. He's got millions. And we can take it. You know why? Cos we're do-ers. I gave you a second chance, and what did you do? You put it right up your fucking nose. Oh, no, no, it's not just that! (SNIFFING) It's a little bit of that. DANIEL: You're broke, all right? And you want me to solve your problems by going fucking cowboy on some porn king? -Hey, what's going on? What...? Why's your head green? -Yeah. PAUL: I made a mistake. He blew his whole cut, now he wants to do another job. Is that right? Why did you say it like that? Because I put all my money in the house, and now I need a procedure. -A procedure? -I'm a man who just got married and his penis don't work, OK? You know what? Why don't you glue his toe on to your balls? Everyone wins. ED: Did you remember to get me some bait? SISSY: I will not buy worms. (GROANS) (GROANS) SISSY: This is from your trip to the gym, isn't it? No, I just want to lie here and think about the case. Why did Miami PD ignore this man's story? His account of what happened is rather unbelievable, and other than that, he's a hard guy to like. -(PHONE RINGS) -Mese. Hey, you schmuck, you remember me? Well, I should think so, seeing as you apparently watched me sign my whole life away to some fucking weightlifter! Mr Kershaw. Oh, so you do remember me. That's funny because I don't remember you. Which must mean you're a liar. Get the fuck out! Ah. (EXHALES) I was under the impression that you were out of town. Oh, yeah, I never left town, because I didn't have any money to leave town with, because you fucking stole it! Now give me my money back! If that dog pees in the pool, you're fired! Hey! Victor Kershaw just called my office! What'd he say? You fucking out of your mind? You fuck! (GASPS) -(CHOKING) -What'd he say, John? -He wants his stuff back! He wants all of it! -Shut up! -Did he forget he gave it to me? -He wants the whole nut. This phone's going to cost you $43. -...good tonight. Come on, let's go. Give me a whoop-whoop! -ALL: Whoop-whoop! VICTOR: You talk to your mommy, you bitch? Victor, how's it going? I feel kind of just like shit, John. Shut the fuck up! No, no, no. No, not you. Not you. I'm so sorry. Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit! Victor, I feel horrible about this, OK? Let me swing by there and make it right. What's your address? You got a pencil? I'm at 143 Fuck You Ave on the corner of Blow Me and Die. (STRAINING) Listen, tell me where you are and I'll bring by the forms for you to sign. It'll be all legit. I'll make this right. These fucking guys hustled me like they hustled you! I am furious! Now where are you? I'm at your house, John, fucking your wife. I'm not telling you where I am, John! I'll call you later to set a meet. That went like shit. -What do we do now? -Star 69 him. You want me to have sex with him? Press the star key, press the six and press the nine! (PHONE RINGS) Seven Seas Motel. How did you do that? (TYRES SCREECHING) Fuck! What's with you clowns? What the... Hey, snatch that Cabbage Patch! (GRUNTING) All right, here's the deal, little fella, I'm gonna heat-butt you and knock you out, OK? Well, if he's not there, then I don't know where he is. The only guy he talks to is the guy who pays for his room. What guy? No peeking through the hole! I recently got married and I was looking for a place to have a honeymoon. I was hoping maybe you could show me around. Why would you want to have your honeymoon here? Oh, this place has a lot of fond memories for me. The very first time I bashed a man's skull in was here and it was a mess! But that bat was aluminium. I've switched to wood. So you should get your ass out here right now or I'll bash your brains all over that wall with one fucking swing! Let me show you the pool. DANIEL: Holy shit. It's my client. I told him I was gonna give him a fucking body like mine! -ADRIAN: Unreal. -What a fucking cocksuck. ADRIAN: I can't wait to go in his house. I'm gonna shit in his bathroom. That's what I'ma do. ED: It takes a little finesse to tell the Chief of Police that his guys missed something big. His story's true. Your guys went to sleep on it. Yeah, you're a soft touch, Ed. I'll take a look at what you got, but it sounds like a nonstarter to me. George, I got a trunk full of evidence. Believe me, it's a starter. OFFICER: (OVER RADIO) Hands up! Hands up! A Colombian plus torture equals bad news, Ed, at 5:30, 6:00 and 11, for however many nights it takes Channel 4 to make me look like I'm kind of Uncle Juan defending the rights of drug dealers. Drug dealer? The guy sold submarine sandwiches. And Pablo Escobar was a florist. Come on. Ed, you know this. Anything below the Keys is like a boil on my ass. These guys are still out there and they're gonna get hungry again. You should get on it. DANIEL: Trust between a trainer and his client is sacred, like with priests and lawyers. To betray that is to betray everything I believe in regarding fitness and America. DANIEL: Hey! There's a white lady in there making a really nice cherry pie. I love cherry pies. Cops. Somebody called them on a black guy in their yard! What do you think they're doing here? -Now what? -Well, we can either walk out front or we can jump in the fucking water. I can't swim! All right. Come on, come on! ADRIAN: Mission abort, mission abort, mission abort! SISSY: How's your back? Car wouldn't start, though. You've got to get rid of that, it's an old-man car. So, Mr Kershaw called. He said, "This is how you protect me, you pussy son of a bitch? "Fucking thugs come to murder me and where the fuck are you?" And then he left an address. ED: Victor! Never call bad guys! Especially the ones who are trying to kill you! You're gonna give me shit about that right now? I'm taking you home. Clean you up. ED: Would you pass me a roll, please? SISSY: Sure. That's sort of my hobby. Oh. Oh! Shit! (STAMMERING) No, I can do it. I can do it. ED: Come on, let me help. (QUIETLY) Ed! -Mm! -There you go. Every man needs to fight for his dignity. I have a boat. (VOICE BREAKING) I have a boat. Don't don't, do do, nut up and be like Wu. DANIEL: I was so sick of Jonny Wu. If I had learned anything these past few months besides what a fucking notary does, it's that if you don't pay attention to details, they can come up and bite you in the ass. Or worse, they hire detectives. Fuck this Beaver Cleaver shit. And this nice house. But I'm not going backwards. So the three-finger plan just needs another finger. So what? Hey, Paul, it's me. I want you to pick up Adrian. We're gonna move on your porn king. Dibs. DANIEL: How are you, sir? -Good. How you doing? -Excellent. FRANK: Yeah. Shut the door, please. Now, come on, let's do the show-and-tell. Come on, boy. DANIEL: Next. India alone has a billion people as of the last census. One billion people, two billion ears. Until now, AT&T has had 'a lock on all of them. Take a look at our flow chart. See this guy, this is a woo-woo Indian. We're not going after them. We want the red dots, the Gandhi kind. Those are Japanese. We're going multi-continental on this thing, OK. This is a huge organisation. ADRIAN: Sorry, boss. -Wedding pictures, sorry. -Ugh, you're killing me. Here we go. DANIEL: Percentage of Indian telecommunication market. We own it, we guarantee it. You're in ground-floor entry. Boom, skyrocket. Next. Frankie! -(GROWLING) -Ow! Come here. Meet my friends. Show them your tits. Look, you like them? Huh? I had the doctor put in an extra 500 cc's. -Like Jell-O. -They're new. (FRANK CHUCKLES) Impressive. Are you in? Because she's the best dirty talker in the business. Come on, give us a few moans. -(MOANING) -Come on, that's it. -Nice. All right, so what's the minimum investment? -500,000. -Isn't he your limo driver? -And partner. -He is a full-fledged partner. -Did I meet you at the, uh...? -You did. -You're the Jesus guy. -I am. -(CHUCKLES) What's the maximum investment? DANIEL: Some people wouldn't try it again. Some people would say quit while you're ahead. Well, some people are pussies. Guys like Frank Griga don't quit. They take it on the chin, learn from their mistakes, double down and do it. Our plan was solid. Our skills were cutting edge. We just needed to put ourselves in a position to succeed. And that position was Adrian's house. You guys look so sweet. (LAUGHS) Yeah. ADRIAN: She's pulling a double in the ER tonight. You look nice. Thanks, man. She's a big girl, you can't handle it. Hey, whoa, you know what we need? -Some music! Right? -KRISZTINA: Mm? So what do you think, we go in the other room and talk a little business? Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. ADRIAN: Let's get this party started! Best song ever! Show them how you can shake it up, baby. Keep your hands off the new tits, pal. -OK. The hands will be on the ass! -I'm coming for you. -Come on, baby. Give me that thing. Oh... Oh... Oh! So, I ran your numbers past my accountant, and it looks like blue skies and clear sailing. DANIEL: Fantastic. I've got the contracts right here. Oh, God, that is nasty. For who's ever gonna do the investing. -I got an eggroll for you, baby. -KRISZTINA: Yeah you do! -(ADRIAN VOCALISES) (BOTH SCREECHING) Frank, I don't think I'm following you right now. I want to meet directly with the board. I mean, no offence, Daniel, but your skill set doesn't put my mind at ease. (ADRIAN AND KRISZTINA WHOOPING AND LAUGHING) -I want to see you dance! -Come on, Paul! I don't dance, but I got something much better than dancing. ADRIAN: Yeah! Whoo! Come on, baby! OK. So what exactly is my skill set then, Frank? Please, tell me. I was being polite. Look, Daniel, you seem like a really good guy, OK? We could totally hang out, OK? We can go chase some gash, you know? But, uh, frankly, I'm not comfortable with you having a say in my money. So you stand here in my friend's house and you tell me you don't trust me? You know what? You're right. Maybe this isn't the place to discuss this. What? You want to go over my head to the board? Hey, look, Daniel, you know a little something about the business world, but not nearly as much as you think. Some of the things you say are just comical. I don't think you're a hard worker. I'm not saying you're a fucking moron, but this is a complicated venture, OK? It takes professionals. You guys, you're a bunch of fucking amateurs. Motherfucker! DANIEL: Nobody calls me a fucking amateur! Do you know who you're fucking with? -Come on! 61! -Frank? 62! 63! Come on, push it, baby! -Where's Frank? -64! -Where the fuck is Frank? -Look at this! KRISZTINA: Frank! ADRIAN: 65! Look, 66! DANIEL: No one calls me an amateur! No one calls me a fucking amateur! FRANK: Jesus Christ. You could have fucking killed me! You fucking could have killed me, you cunt! You fucking motherfucker! (GRUNTS) No one calls me a fucking amateur! No one! Cos I work hard! I do work fucking hard! (FRANK GURGLES) (BREATHING HEAVILY) No! Oh God. Please, no! Hey, get out of there. Go, get, get, get! -I'm going for 80! -Give me five more, baby! (LAUGHING) Yeah! That's a new house record! Look at this! Go, push it! Fucking push it! (BOTH CHEERING) -Frank? -Yeah, baby! (ADRIAN AND PAUL CONTINUE CHEERING) -What did you do? -It was an accident. -Jesus fucking Christ! He fell! The thing just hit him in the head when he fell down. -You fucking cocksucker! -No, no, please, don't! -(KRISZTINA YELLING) (SCREAMING) No! Oh, what the fuck... What happened? -You were supposed to talk to him! Take her, Paul! Take her! -I was talking to him! PAUL: (STAMMERING) Is he dead? You see how those weights are flush flat on fucking the floor? Well, they shouldn't be, because there's a fucking head in between them. PAUL: Oh my God. Oh my God. -Ow! She's biting me! -DANIEL: Keep her quiet! -Roll her over! Show me her ass! -(MUFFLED SCREAMING) -I got upset and... He called me a fucking amateur! (MUMBLING) And you fucking hit him with a weight? DANIEL: He was going to sign the papers, then he wouldn't sign, then he got upset and he said he wanted to see the board, then I said no, he couldn't see the board, "I don't want you to see the board. Why'd you call me an amateur?" Then he got upset, then he fucking said something else and I got upset and he fucking fell. I think he fell or I pushed him or something. ADRIAN: Then you killed him! What did you do to her? ADRIAN: I gave her a horse tranquiliser. -(THUDS) -Oh shit. She'll be fine. 33, 19, 22. That's the safe combination, right? (KRISZTINA MUMBLING) OK, I need it in English, OK, baby? -17. -All right, no, no. 33, 19, 22. OK, this is now a salvage op! Let's go! What does that even mean? DANIEL: It means I'm getting that car and stuff in the safe. Oh shit. This is so bad. And stay by the phone. Make sure the sperm mogul's on ice until I get back. What do you mean "on ice"? In ice cubes in the bathtub, OK! Hey, when does Robin get home? Uh, her shift's over at noon. -OK, great. -(GROANS) Calm the fuck down. I gotta get a pump. PAUL: Yeah, take a moment. (BREATHING HEAVILY) That's it. That's good. Listen, Danny, I know what it's like to think you killed somebody. And it hurts. I mean, you got Jesus and the Devil... That's it, get it. Jesus, Devil, swirling all up in your head. I was lucky, cos my guy lived. So you must really feel like shit. You're right, Paul. Let's just hope Jesus is as forgiving as they say, right? Oh, He is. DANIEL: Adrian, do something about this rug. Just say the dog did it, OK? Everything else will be gone before Robin... Looks like he killed the dog. And crank the AC. He's starting to reek. Let's go, Paul, come on. - PAUL: Hang in there, buddy. - ADRIAN: Bro, you better hurry up, man! DANIEL: We'll be back! Where is my dog, bro? I see it. I see the emotion, and I see all that Satan shit swirling. I don't need your shit right now, OK? Please. I say it cos I care. I'm just trying to be a friend. (BREATHING HEAVILY) (KRISZTINA MUMBLING) ADRIAN: Be quiet, be quiet. Holy shit. Holy Moses. You're a fucking genius. You did it! I love Jesus too! You know that, right? Look at the size of this safe! It's like a fucking treasure chest! Come on, baby. Come on. 33... 19... 22... Shit! Come on! 33... 19... 22. -You fucked this up! -This is not my fault! -Oh man. -What's the combo? -32, 19, 22! (CELL PHONE RINGS) Yo, DL, where you at, man? Put the Yugoslav on the phone. I need the right safe combo. No, you got to get back here, man. Robin's going to be home in a few hours. She gets off at noon. No, I think they gave me the wrong fucking number! -KRISZTINA: Frank? -No, she... Shit. -(BOTH GRUNTING) Hello? You trying to get away? Huh? -There's some more! -(GASPS) Now, come on, get up. My wife's coming home. See you in the living room. -(PHONE RINGING) -DANIEL: Stop drinking! You've got to write the code down now. PAUL: I'm ready. All right, what's the safe combo? Put the phone where she can hear. She can't hear nothing, man. What's the problem? The bitch is cold, bro. What? No. Her soul has left her body. Tell me it's not fucking true, now! I mean, you told me to give her some more tranquiliser, and I did, and I gave her two shots, and I think I gave her too much, cos now she's not fucking breathing. We were dancing and having such a good time and I was smacking her ass and now she's fucking dead! And you're not here, bro! No. No! Not... Did you get the code? (BREATHING HEAVILY) This isn't happening. This is not happening. Jonny Wu says it's all about seeing the humour in the chaos, right? Right? Come on! Let's bolt! -You didn't get the code? -Let's go, we got shit to do. -Tell me the code. I'm ready. Come on. We don't have the code. Put this on. Yeah, I got the Lambo. Hey, you want that dog? That Yorkshire's about $1250 if it's a purebred. Hey. Shit, we've got to get something for the bodies. PAUL: Hey, little buddy. You hungry? -(CHUCKLING) -DANIEL: Come on, come on! PAUL: What a little boy. DANIEL: I love purple. It's not smart taking a dead man's car. Not smart at all. Oh shit! Oh no! Shit! Oh, she's going to kill me! Oh shit. Lost my dog. PAUL: (GRUNTS) You've got to slow down! You're tipping her over! I'm not driving too fast. I'm following the fucking speed limit. I got 48 holes in my carpet! See, I'm dealing with shit on a whole other level. Y'all can't even fathom the level that I'm on. You're making me nervous, OK! There are cops ahead. Come on, guys! I'm concentrating! I think I'm going to be sick. For a big fucker, you complain a lot! What am I going to tell my wife? DANIEL: Just fucking lie. Sick. (GASPING) I booted. DANIEL: Paul, you're fucking disgusting. Reuben? Come here. Is that you? What are you doing? What happened to you? Paul, we got a job to do, are you up here hiding? I need you downstairs, OK? I need you to secure and maintain a profile. Me and Adrian are going to Home Depot to get what we need. Let's go, come on. I am not staying here alone with those two dead bodies. I will freak out. What do you mean "no"? This was your idea. You want to get out of this, you've got to learn to take responsibility. Don't be a don't-er. You'll regret it. I already regret it. Get me the police. PAUL: There is life after death. Of that, I am sure. But I'm also pretty sure dead people no longer need their stuff. And I did. (SNORTING) Oh! -All right, cleaning supplies. -Check. Mr and Mrs Griga, how are you? Chopin? Hello, little baby, I'm here. (CHUCKLES) Chopin? We're gonna clean them, chop them, put them in buckets. Right here. Dissolve them with lye. No evidence. Check. -(PHONE RINGS MACHINE BEEPS) -Adrian? This is Officer Wilson, Miami-Dade Police. Animal Services has recovered a greyhound that is registered to your address, but we believe the dog may be stolen. You need to contact us please, at your earliest convenience. 305... We got a body part, a human toe. Get a forensic unit here right away. He loves dog like his own child. (GRUNTING) Team Jesus! (EXHALES) Feel great. Doyle feels great. (MAN READING) Ah! I feel like shit now. PAUL: Jesus, forgive me. Forgive my sins. We're back! Come on, let's go. You can do that shit all day in prison if we don't get these bodies out of here! I am in the middle of a superset. Hey! Did you take the wedding ring? Fucking crackhead. (GRUNTS) Hey, should we save her implants? Not unless you want them for paperweights. Resale of medical devices is a big business, man. I'm married to someone in the medical field. I know this. Stop playing with her tits, OK? And Windex our fingerprints off now. Well, what about their fingerprints? What are we gonna do with their fingerprints on their fingers? (SIGHS) I'll think of something, all right? (CHAINSAW WHIRRING) PAUL: Are you really going to do that? -Danny, that's disgusting! -DANIEL: Shit! ADRIAN: What's wrong with it? -How the hell am I supposed to know? -What, is it plugged in? -Yeah, it's plugged in! Well, press the button! Give me that, let me do it, man! -Like we got time for this. -(WHIRRING) See? Daddy worked power tools, baby! Get it! Go, go, go! Get it, get it, get it! (GRUNTING) (STRAINING) -Oh shit! -What? -It's stuck in her hair! -(GRUNTS) Give me this thing. DANIEL: Figures! Made in China? It's a piece of China fucking crap! I fucking told you to get a gas-powered one, not some fucking piece of electric China crap! Shit! You're the one who said we didn't have time to stop for gas! -Grab her arm. -What are you doing? -I'm going old school. ADRIAN: Go. I'm going to chop that fucker right off. Wait, wait, wait. All right, go. Go, go. (YELLS) Fuck you "Ah!"-ing about? Hold it, man. -I almost chopped your finger! -Go! Argh! ADRIAN: (GROANS) Come on! Let's go, Paul. I need you to grill these fingerprints off, all right? Grill the fingerprints off? Are you nuts? No, I'm not nuts, Paul. But I am about fed up with your defeatist attitude, OK? Now grill those fucking hands. Now. You need to be more positive, Paul. Just make a positive effort. -What's up? -Hey, Ed. We've connected these people to the bodybuilders you were talking about. They've gone missing. These people aren't just missing, George. They're probably dead. It's a big department, Ed. We can't do everything right. I didn't ask for everything, George. I asked for one thing. I told you these guys were gonna get hungry again. What seems to be the problem? It's a piece of China crap. It worked for two seconds, then it cut off. Well, for 20 more, you can get free parts and replacements. We strongly recommend it on all our customer power tool investments. We don't want to hear about that rip-off. Sir, there appears to be fur in the works. I don't see no fur in that non-working chainsaw. OFFICER: How funny was that when that scumbag shit himself when your dog almost bit his balls off? What do we got? Description again? All right, standby, we're en route. Leave that stuff, we gotta go. Well, either you're dumb or blind, but that's fur. Go on, pick out another one. Save the drama for your mama. (SIZZLING) DANIEL: Holy shit! What the fuck? (PAUL GROANS) ADRIAN: Oh! -What are you doing? You gotta cook this shit outside. Be careful, that's hot. You'll burn yourself. You know, you're like a 3-year-old! A 3-year old... (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) PAUL: It stunk like shit. PAUL: I didn't think you'd be pissed. It got really smoky in there, Danny. DANIEL: Are you out of your fucking mind? PAUL: In AA, they teach you to sit with your feelings. Look under the bed and see for yourself that there's no monster under there. But the problem is, sometimes the monster is there. And sometimes, you've just gotta fucking run. Hey, Paul? Where the fuck is he? He's got no fucking accountability! GEORGE: OK, gentlemen, listen up. These are your locales. These are your targets. We are taking down these scumbags simultaneously. We have some making up to do. MAN: Here you go. GEORGE: Any questions? Good. I feel good. Gotta get a pump, though. Need to push that Lambo into the swamp, bro. (TYRES SCREECHING) Fuck! OFFICER: Get out of the way! Look at these guys, huh? Carved from stone! (LAUGHS) Adrian? Honey, there's some people here to see you. (SCREAMS) No! No! -Get down! -(SCREAMS) (BREATHING HEAVILY) -Do not move. -Let me see your hands. PASTOR RANDY: No hard feelings. Hands behind your back. (HANDCUFFS CLICK) -Call Daniel! Call Daniel! -(SIGHS) (GRUNTS) (SIRENS WAILING) Fuck! MAN: This way. Follow the officer. BRAD: Hey, buddy. How you been? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Wow. Didn't see that coming. He seemed like such a nice guy. You think you know people... Puppy's gone. BRAD: Yeah, he loved your boat. We went out on it five or six times. We had a great sunset cruise. We took the neighbourhood kids. Hey, pal. That'll do it. GEORGE: We circulated Lugo's picture. Coast Guard's got the specs on Lugo's boat. You mean my boat? Start looking! (SIRENS WAILING) According to the other two, Lugo killed Griga before he could get anything, which means he's gonna run out of his money. My money! My money. ED: Victor, for God's sake. He's right, Ed. We fucked up. The fact is, Mr Kershaw, right now, you're the only source of funding this guy has got. He put all his eggs in your basket, Victor. We've got that basket under 24-hour watch. Lugo's gonna come up starving soon. When he does, we'll get him. What if I told you there's another basket you didn't know about? Offshore. Where? The Bahamas, where the hell do you think? So, where do you think he's going? You could have saved us 20 minutes. What the hell is wrong with you? Now I'm the criminal here? It's a secret stash. You're telling me you don't have a secret stash? You're a very difficult victim, Victor. It's Money Management 101. Get a chopper, ASAP. DANIEL: My name is Victor Kershaw. I'm looking to close my account. MANAGER: And what would you like to do about the safety deposit box? Well, I'm really in a rush, but I may as well open it while I'm here, right? Are these fucking baby booties? What an asshole! Oh shit! No cash! Where's your bank manager? This is a United States court order authorising us to freeze the accounts of a Victor... Lugo! MAN: Open the door! ED: Lugo! MAN: Open it! ED: Open it up! Open the gate! Open the gate! (PANTING) Get the gate! Lugo! VICTOR: He's out here! Hey! Officer! ED: (STRAINING) Goddamn it! -(GROANS) -(PEOPLE SCREAM) Where are they all? He's a thief! (PEOPLE SHOUTING) DANIEL: Son of a bitch. Sometimes God just fucks up your order and you got to chow down on that shitty shame sandwich. (PEOPLE CLAMOURING) VICTOR: Look at you. All fucked up. It's kind of undignified being all fucked up by a car, isn't it, you silly turd? -You all right? -VICTOR: I'm getting there. You know, I could have got you ripped, man. You know what your problem is? Skinny-ass quads. You got no quads, man. That was my problem. I spent a lot of time building these bad boys. Is this all for me? Yep. Your own little party. Wow. They're going to want to know why you did it. Well, cos I'm a do-er. ED: This was the longest and most bizarre trial in Dade County history. PROSECUTOR: So, the Central Intelligence Agency. So you were a stripper and an agent. Or, as you call yourself, a field operative. Lugo and I used to bang a lot. But then he passed me to Agent Doyle. Miss you, sweetie. But I'm going to quit the whole CIA thing to become a movie star. ED: They say truth is stranger than fiction. And no one tells the truth like a pissed-off wife. Sir, I officially divorced him last night. That's why I can testify against him today. Well, I've been working in the penis industry for 19 months. I think he lifted weights to try to compensate for the fact that he had a very tiny penis. It was bent on a 25-degree angle, like a boomerang. You see, erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed about, but being an unfaithful lying shit who I know for a fact tried to finger bang his paralegal in the interview room, that's a little shamey. But being in the medical profession, I prefer not to judge. But that lady's a whore. Yeah, you, you fucking bitch. ED: The state was very thorough. Frankly, it had a lot to make up for. We're going to walk on this. They ain't got no proof. At first, the evidence was mostly circumstantial, physical proof of the murders being hard to come by. Eventually, they found the barrels and bodies, but no fingerprints. And then, for the first time in the history of the United States... PROSECUTOR: Two 750 cc breast implants. ED: ...they used the manufacturer's unique serial numbers for identification. Paul Doyle seemed to embrace the concept of confession. They kidnapped Kershaw, they tried to kill him. I just want to go back to prison. They used chainsaws to cut them up! He said no one would get hurt. They hurt Pepe. They hurt him bad. They hurt my friend. Manipulator of manipulators. PAUL: Wow. That felt good. All they got is testimony from some fucking cokehead. ED: In the end, though, all justice really needed to do was listen to the right guy at the right time. In light of his cooperation, Mr Doyle was given only 15 years. A sentence for which he seemed legitimately grateful. I once was lost, but now I'm found... ED: Daniel Lugo and Adrian Doorbal were found guilty of double murder, racketeering, attempted extortion, theft, attempted murder, armed robbery, burglary, money laundering and forgery. In fact, the only thing they weren't found guilty of was one thing they were most guilty of, being dumb stupid fucks. It took the jury only 14 minutes to sentence them both to death. (SIGHS) It seems like such a waste. People's lives. You know? Some people just don't know a good thing when it's staring them in the face. (SIGHS) ED: It really is the simple things in life. Daniel just wanted to be like everyone, everyone that wants the American Dream. DANIEL: All I ever wanted out of life was what everyone else had. Not more ` just not the less I was used to. Well, I took a real swing for it, you know? And for a while, it was like I always thought it would be. I was one of you. And it felt good. People finally saw me like I saw myself and you can't ask for more than that. Maybe I did, though. Maybe it got so I didn't want to be "equal to" any more. I wanted to be "better than." And that's a recipe for injury. That doesn't mean you give up, though. You rest, you heal and you get back on that bench. Life is going to give me another set. And I am going to rock it. Because my name is Daniel Lugo, and I believe in fitness. (CAMERA CLICKING) DANIEL: (VOICE ECHOING) That's the American Dream. (COOLIO'S 'GANGSTA'S PARADISE' FEATURING LV) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016.