(ROCK MUSIC) www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2016 Says your source got religion while he was in the can. You trust him? No. Sharp. We're going to a church. That's why I didn't bring a helicopter. Everybody get your hands up. Now keep 'em up and say, hey! (ALL) Hey! Ho! (ALL) Ho! Ho! (ALL) Ho! Alright. Let it go here. We have learned from the three wise men, The O'Jays, Eddie, Walter and the other guy, (ALL MUMBLE) that there is a train coming and it is a train of love. Michael rowed his boat ashore. # Hallelujah # Because he too wanted to get off that water and get on the train! Had the ticket. # Michael got off, it was a lonely train # The train of love was rolling down the tracks # The train of love where everybody was holding hands and in love # And the tr... # And I too wanna be on that same train so I will see everyone next week. (Hopefully.) # Love be with you # Percy Stevens. What's it been? Three to five years and time off for good behaviour? Sharp, how are you? This is a church, alright? A place that's sacred and it shall remain untainted. We're looking for your cellmate, Morgan Ball. You seen him? He's a key witness in one of my cases. Come on, man. I don't hang with that crowd any more. I am a prophet in a non-profit world. (CELLPHONE PLAYS MC HAMMER'S "YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS") # You've got to move when it calls you # Give up that life # You've got to hustle on up for Jesus Christ # Aren't you worried about him getting away? (PANTS / WHEEZES) No, I'm more worried about him having a heart attack. # You've got hustle on up to Jesus # Ooh, yeah # You've got to hustle # Come on, look for Jesus # Oh, oh, oh, ooh, yeah # You got to move when it calls you # Pick up that line You gotta hustle on up to Jesus # You want me to call an ambulance for you? Look, man. I don't even know why I'm running in the first place, right? I'm on God's side now. Give us the phone, Percy. Man, why y'all treating me like I'm some little punk kid? Alright? Besides, the Lord says, "He who is without sin cast the first stone." Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? It slipped! Where's the damn phone at? (CELLPHONE PLAYS MC HAMMER'S "YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS") (COW MOOS) Holy Cow! It's a musical cow. Look at it. It's a miracle. Like parting of the Red Sea! Or the time I saw Mike Tyson's face in a taco. What is he doing? What is he doing? No, he's not about to do that. Come on, man. He really gonna put his hand up the cow? You can't do that. It's against the cow's rights. (COW MOOS) (SQUELCHES) Urgh. All the way? With the hand... (SQUELCHES) (PHONE CONTINUES TO RING) Oh, it's for you. Hello? Hey, hey, hey. Morgan, calm down, man. Units, stand-by for the whereabouts of our friend Morgan Ball. # "I Fought The Law" - The Clash # Breakin' rocks in the hot sun # I fought the law and the law won # I fought the law and the law won # I needed money cos I had none # I fought the law and the law won # Texas Rangers looking for Morgan Ball. Hope we don't have the wrong house! < Go to hell! Morgan! Don't run! (RADIO) "1038 West trunk unit responding to Rio Grande." Eddie Zane, FBI. How the hell'd that fire start? I dunno. We heard some shots. Who's in there? Sharp and Swanson. Christ. Hey! You know what's in those barrels, right? One wrong shot, we could all go. Look, Ball, you have three choices. A, you can stay in this hell hole and burn to death. B, you can come with us and testify against John Cortland... A and B suck! What about C? C's my personal favourite. Take it easy. I'm sure there's a way we can work out this thing. Seems like it's pretty well worked out to me! I got money. Lots of money. If you get me out of here, I'll make you both rich. Look, see this key? It's yours. Thank you! I'll put that in evidence. I can't testify! Cortland'll kill me! It's a death sentence. (LOUD EXPLOSION) Let's go outside and talk it over. Aaaarrgh! You gotta be kidding me. Nice job, Sharp. Texas Rangers always get their man. That's the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. You both have funny hats. Long time. More than five years. Margaret Swanson, Eddie Zane - Federal Bureau of Idiots. I woulda become a ranger if my partner looked like you. If you were a ranger you'd have caught this bastard yourself. Good thing about working for the FBI. Other people do the groundwork. How's your daughter? Good! I'm bleeding here. You gonna be OK. Just hang in there. EMT's on their way. "(POLICE RADIO IN BACKGROUND)" (SIRENS WAIL) (CAR HORN BEEPS) (CHEERING) (SIRENS WAIL) Oh, my God, you guys. It's so hot out there. I'm so hot I think I'm sweating. Oh, God, let's get some air. Oh! Oh, my God. You guys, come here. What? Just come here. What now? Please come here. Ssh! Come here. I think this guy got mugged or something. Where? Should we call the cops? No, no. No. I think this guy's coming to help him. (GIRLS SHRIEK) (GUNSHOT) Once again, put it together for the lovely ladies of your Texas Longhorn dance squad! (ALL SCREAM) What the hell happened? I heard a shot, turned the corner and got clipped. Did you get a good look at him? No. Hello. You OK? I'm fine. Oh, I ordered for you. Good. Medium rare, right? Yeah. How's school? Ah, you know. The usual. How's your mom? I wouldn't really know. She and Keith took up scuba diving. Anyway, she was cleaning the house and... she wanted you to have these. Oh. (LAUGHS) This is a beautiful picture of you and your mom in those bathing suits! Oh! There's that donkey. (LAUGHS) Looking for a picture of you and me but I guess I was taking them. No, you were just never there. Or that. So I'm applying to a few colleges. (CELLPHONE RINGS) Rice and SMU and... Sharp. Yeah. I'm on my way. Look, I've gotta, er... Go. I get it. Sorry. I'm fine. Looks like you've been busy. Yes, sir. Hell, ain't it? Yes, sir. Said you had some witnesses? Waltzed in about a half hour ago, said they saw the whole thing. Anybody else know? No. Can we keep it that way? I'm tired of being shot at. You bet. Who are your witnesses? Cheerleaders. You know, I think we could be on the news. I'm thinking maybe Katie Couric or Oprah. We shouldn't have come here. I need to get to the library. I'll never get my psych paper done. Just that guy's head explode. Evie, remember what we said. You've gotta breathe. Let air in. And now let that air out, OK? I totally have a double chin. I don't trust cops. Don't say anything till our lawyers get here. We don't need lawyers, we didn't do anything. Relax. We just came to tell them what we saw. Do we have to? Yes. As cheerleaders we're role models to the community at large. If we don't do the right thing, how can we expect others to? Now I'm gonna throw up. I'm not gonna be staying here all night. Why don't we tell these people we need to reschedule for tomorrow? I can't do morning, I'm having my legs waxed. I have a biochem lab at noon. I'm good between 2.30 and 4. Does that work for everybody? Don't work for me. And who are you? Roland Sharp, Texas Rangers. Oh, my God, do you know Derek Jeter? He means the other Texas Rangers. Like the Lone Ranger. He had that cool Indian friend. What was his name? Tonto? He was hot. Why don't guys wear loincloths any more?! A Texas Ranger was shot in connection with the murder you witnessed. Anything you can remember, no matter how insignificant, may be important. (BUBBLE GUM POPS) Oh, do you want a piece? No, I do not. You don't like gum? Chewing gum's the most significant factor of the decline of civilisation. Decline of what? When people chew gum no-one can read their expressions. Like with Botox. I like an older man who knows what he wants. Alright. We should so not get involved in this. Here she goes again. She do this often? Whenever she gets nervous she drops ten pounds around finals. Can anybody describe the perpetrator? Perpetrator? The bad man with the gun. Actually, he was kinda cute. He was a total skank. On a scale of one to ten I'd give him four. A ruthless killer's sexy. I'd give him eight. Let's try and concentrate. How tall was he? Average, like five, ten? No, six, two at least. I thought he was kinda short. What about his hair? Needs to rethink his cut. I mean the colour of his hair. It was dark. Almost black. I thought it was blond. What? This is bad, this is bad. Did he have any... ..distinctive facial characteristics? Sideburns, a moustache? Oh! There might have been a moustache. No, definitely not. Was I the only one who saw a goatee? 1 He looks like your ex-boyfriend - Brook Burton. (GIGGLES) No, he doesn't! Morning, Cap. The Dixie Chicks here looked at 5,759 mug shots last night. "Look at this bad boy." "He's yummy!" "He's kind of a cross between the Unabomber and Mark Wahlberg." I now know the hottie rating of every ex-convict in the western United States. Been up all night, haven't learned a goddamn thing. "Please tell me this sweet thing is out on parole!" "Oh, my God, you guys. I think this guy is in my poli-sci class." They all said they could ID that fella if they saw him again. That's a two-way mirror, girl. People are watching you. I know. What do you think? I don't know what to think. I feel really... ..old. Excuse me, Captain. The, er,... governor's office just called. Good. Thanks for coming, fellas. I'm getting some calls from daddies worried about their daughters. They have good reason for concern. Cortland knows there's any witnesses, he'll come after them. I told those guys we'd take care of their daughters. Stay with them. Yes, sir. Good luck. # "Country Girl" - DF Dub # Tell you a story # About a country girl # Oh, yeah # She was a country girl from Cleburne, Texas # In a big city and she liked my necklace # So we started talking while we took a ride # In the big pick-up truck and my hat was to the side # She was a country girl from the class of '96 # A big booty... # Is the taller blonde Anne or Barb? I can't remember their names. HE-BAT. What? HE-BAT. It's a mnemonic device Heather, Evie, Barbara, Anne, Teresa. HE-BAT. This is a plain-clothes operation. Take your hat off, conceal your badge and try to look normal. Yes, sir. If I may, I just wanna say thanks for taking me along. That's the third time you've thanked me and I can say I feel the full brunt of your gratitude. Thank you again, sir. Get in the damn van! You move over. Do you think you could turn some music on or something? Turn the motor off. Problem, sir? We don't have a secure cabin. This vehicle will not move until all these ladies buckle up. You're kidding? One thing you'll learn about me is I do not kid or jest or joke or jape or quip. Looks like we're waiting on you, Teresa. I saw that. I saw that, too. I see everything. Mr Cortland! (PRESS REPORTERS TALK AT ONCE) After failing to produce any evidence, the government has dropped all charges against John W Cortland. My client is pleased with this outcome. What about the murder of a key government witness last night? Mr Cortland is anxious to get home to his family. No further comment. Are you denying any knowledge? (PHONE RINGS) Zane. "It's me. I still don't have the money Ball stole from me." "The shooter you brought in shot a ranger." I covered for him, the job got done. Even shot myself in the arm. You're a free man. Here's the thing. You've left some witnesses. Hey, pull up over here. Now, you listen here. You'd better start cleaning this mess up. Already on it. # I see the pale moon rising # I see trouble on the way # Don't go around tonight # Well, it's bound to take your life # There's a bad moon on the rise # I got to shower. Triple-lock all the doors, put magnetic contacts on all the windows. I want one port of entry. Put the audiovisual stuff upstairs, Downstairs check all the crawl spaces if they got any for outside access. Put a tap on that telephone and root beer in the refrigerator. Where do you want your stuff? On the couch, facing the front door. Where do we bed down, sir? (ROCK MUSIC) With that bunch of scholars. Have fun. Ladies, if I might have you all assembled in the living area? Is my root beer in the refrigerator? Er, root beer? No, sir. Then, why are you still here? (CELLPHONE RINGS) Antonio? Baby! Where are you? It's her boyfriend. A co-dependent relationship. At least I have a relationship. What do you have? Antonio. Teresa's gonna have to get back to you. (SPEAKS SPANISH) (SPEAKS SPANISH) You couldn't be talking about my mother cos she's allergic to dogs. First rule, no cellphones. (ALL) What? No Palm Pilots and no emails. And the telephone downstairs may be used in emergencies only. Give it up. Send us back to the Stone Age(!) This is a serious business. We need your cooperation, and that means paying attention and doing what I ask you to do when I ask you. Furthermore, I would appreciate it if you would cover yourselves in our presence. I realise how proud you are of your tattoos and other body modifications. My colleagues and I do not need to see these. Any questions? I have one. Are you always such a dick? Yes. There'll be no guests in the house ever, nobody may leave the house without an escort. This is our house! What about classes? I'm on an advanced pre-med programme. I have a 4.0 - (ALL) We know! If I miss my biochem class I'll lose my scholarship. There are five of you, three of us. You'll have to organise schedules. I'm willing to skip all my classes. Work it out amongst yourselves. What about dates? Barb's got two. Not any more. Hello? You guys, we've got a game on Saturday. Don't think about telling us we're not going. You're not going! As captain of the squad to inform you if you want to stop us, you're gonna have to pry the pompoms from our cold, dead hands. (WHISTLE BLOWS) (CHEERS) I'm all clear. Come on, cheerleading coach. Show me your spirit! Where is your happy face? This is my happy face. I think we're gonna have to turn that frown upside down. Now this cannot be how you helped Florida state to the regional finals? Er, Coach Beauregard - Please, Binky! OK, Binky, I specialise in strength and conditioning. I'm gonna leave all the grinning and smiling up to you. Okey-dokey. Assignment accepted! Time out! Texas! (FAST-PACED MUSIC) Gun! Gun! Gun! (CHEERING) A water gun, sir. Please don't harm me. It's a joke. (MAN) Nice hit(!) (CHEERING BUILDS) (BAND RESUMES) (JOVIAL MUSIC) (KNOCK AT DOOR) Howdy, neighbour. I'm Jimmy from next door. Just wanted to come by and welcome you to the building. And, um, you know, if you need any weed or anything, just come bang on my door. Well, that's good to know, Jimmy. You'll definitely hearing from us. Cool. 2200 hours. HE-BAT is secure. Roger that. We'll see y'all in the morning. I don't sleep. Isn't that your partner? Shouldn't you have gone to the hospital? No. I'm here. Right. But she's been shot. That's part of the job. You ever kill anyone, Sharp? (SIGHS HARD) (Cold bastard probably doesn't even care.) Her middle name is Ellen. A lot of the fellas weren't happy when the rangers recruited women and I was sure enough one of them. (LAUGHS WRYLY) She changed my mind. I also hear everything. When Tristan was rushed to BIRDS CHIRP We're the Katoa twins. We're the Katoa twins. And this started with a sore throat. Yeah, it started with a sore throat, and we just thought that it's gonna go away. This is my boys, Tristan and Justin. When Tristan was rushed to hospital, I felt... scared. They said he had rheumatic fever. I had open-heart surgery. We thought we were gonna lose him. I touched his head, um, then I said to him, 'Oh, have faith. 'Oh, I'm sure that` that we will see each other again.' Sore throats can lead to rheumatic fever and heart damage. If your child has a sore throat, call Healthline on 0800 611 116 for advice. 1 "The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars as daylight doth a lamp." "Her eyes in heaven would through the airy regions stream so bright that birds would sing and think it were not night." So your assignment is to write a five-page paper. due a week from Friday, describing the function of the recurrent imagery of light against darkness in Romeo and Juliet. What does it mean? How does it mean it? And is it possible that this play is more than just a teenage romance with a sad ending? (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Miss Thompson. I wanna see you in my office now. She'd like to see you. What for? Um, I dunno. Mr Sharp. Come in, have a seat. I understand you're the assistant cheerleading coach? That's right. May I ask what you were doing in my class? That's the way we do things. On our squad, if somebody's in need - Let me be blunt, Mr Sharp. Barb's cheerleading is interfering with her work. For the record, you should know I think cheerleading is stupid. I couldn't agree with you more. She downloaded this paper on plant imagery in Macbeth off the Internet. I know because I wrote it 20 years ago when I was an undergraduate. Hmn! Must be a hell of a paper. Well, yes, I thought it was pretty good. But that is not the point. Plagiarism is simply not acceptable. I've given Barb an F on that assignment. If she wants to remain on the squad, or in the school for that matter, her next paper on Romeo and Juliet had better be wholly original. I'll explain your position to Barb and make sure she understands ex...plicitly. Well, good. Fine. OK, what's the big deal? Presidents don't write their speeches! When you're president, you can be as lenient as you want. Wait, this play has five acts! She can't expect me to read it all. It's in old weird English, anyways. Hey, Barb. Hi, Scoot. Besides, people think being a cheerleader is this non-stop partying but they're wrong. Hey, Barb. Hi, Chase. Aside from games and practices, they still expect me to maintain this 2.0 average and I can't. You need to manage your time better. Time. What time? I don't have any time. Hey, Barb. Hi, Tim. Tom. Oh, shoot, sorry. Tom! I really liked him. You've got some admirers on this campus here. Don't be jealous. They're just silly boys. We can stop this and run away together. You got a paper to write. I know but if I write it myself it's just gonna be stupid. You don't know that cos you haven't tried and cheating is worse than being stupid. Plagiarism is an academic crime! It's punishable by academic death! What do you care, anyways? I wanna see you stay alive academically and physically. You like me, don't ya? No. # Hey, lady, throw your hands in the air # Keep the party pumping like we just don't care # We gonna party tonight # I'm gonna party tonight # Hey, lady, throw your hands in the air # Keep the party jumping like we just don't care # We gonna party tonight # I'm gonna party tonight # Party # Sergeant, your pizza's here. Roger that. Set the pizza on the porch, take two steps back and place your hands behind your head. # Hey, ladies, throw your hands in the air # Keep the party jumping like you just don't care # We gonna party tonight # I'm gonna party tonight # Hey, ladies... # Er, what's the problem, dude? If that pizza's hot there won't be any problem. # I'm gonna party tonight # Step in and they playing my song Hit the floor and you know it's on # DJ, turn it up, I'm on fire # Right, what do I owe you? Er, 13.75. Hey, do you live here with all these girls? Temporarily. Dude, you're my new hero. Imagine what that means to me. Without my phone, I am nothing. I am worthless. I need to speak to my Antonio. (SPEAKS SPANISH) What is that? The Carnivore. Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham and olive loaf, gathered together in one savoury pie. With jalapenos. Want some? Yes. No. Extra-thick crust. I'm on the Zone. Zone? The proper combination of protein, fat, carbohydrates. This is proper! I'm an Atkins girl. I do WeightWatchers. You'll probably blow your points with one bite. This baby has one point and one point only and that is tasting good. I don't know why you girls are on a diet. You couldn't weigh - (ALL) Hey, hey. Oh! Don't even go there. There are some things we don't discuss. My daughter has a healthy appetite. Interesting. You never mentioned her. What's her name? Emma. How old is she? 17. Is she a cheerleader? I hope not. What's her favourite band? Er, you got me. How about her sign? Huh? Is she sexually active? Hell, no! She probably is. 68% of high school students in Texas have had sex by the 12th grade. Higher than the national average. Thank you for ruining my day. I'll tell you one thing about this daughter. She must be supremely messed up in the head from living with you. She lives with her mother. Why did your marriage fall apart? That's one of many thing we'll never discuss. You clearly don't know how to speak to women. I know how to speak to women. I clearly choose not to. We need to establish this bathroom at the end of the hall is 100% masculine and from this moment on it is off- limits to you and your undergarments. Want an egg-white omelette? That mean no yolks? No yolks. No, thanks. Or some Kamut Flakes? What? Ancient grain. Tastes great with Soya milk. Soya milk. Who ate all my Kamut Flakes? Not me. What am I? The organisation to end world hunger? This is mine. Why do you girls find it necessary to listen to this constant crap? You don't like vagina music? Do you have to use that word before I've had my coffee and Soya milk? Vagina, vagina, vagina. Whose? What did I tell y'all about wearing clothes? Bras are clothes. That's it! That's it! That is it! (FAN WHIRS) Sign right there. Awful big unit for a house this size. I get hot. I hear you. Alright, you win, OK? We agree to put on more clothes. Please turn the temperature up. That's a mature decision. I'm proud, girls. But let's come to an understanding of the meaning of the word more. We thought you might say that. Barb! Alrighty. This is Courtney Ryan, my personal hero. Like Courtney, we should not be penalised for maximising our assets. However, we've all agreed to cover up these areas here and this area right here. Good. What about these other problem areas? Here,... here... and here? (ALL GASP) You're killing me. Uh-uh. Come here. (ALL WHISPER) Alright. We'll cave on the first two, but we must maintain navel visibility. We wanna be realistic not Amish. One inch on either side. Three. Two. Done. 1 "These girls are a different kettle of worms." Something just came up. I'll get back to you. I need to speak to your witnesses. Eddie, how's the arm? Let's not change the subject. There are none. Even if there was, I couldn't let you talk to them. Come on, Captain, we're on the same team here. I think I could help. Least let me talk to Sharp. That was him on the phone, right? Sharp's in the field right now. Right. You rangers screwed up my whole case. You blew up that lab and all the evidence in it. Ball's dead and I got shot in the arm. Now I need to speak to those witnesses so I'm asking you again. Where are they? (LAUGHS) You know this "one riot, one ranger" shit isn't gonna fly when I slap a subpoena on your desk. My desk's already a mess. One more piece of paper won't make me no never mind. Circle the wagons if you want, this is a federal case. # "Walkie Talkie Man" - Steriogram (RINGS DOORBELL) You learn quick. Five years at college. 13.75, right? There's $14. Keep the change. Hey, hey, hey! (CELLPHONE RINGS) Sharp. How's my favourite prep squad leader? What? I said how's my favourite prep squad leader? Not real preppy. Would somebody turn that music down? Hang on, Captain. Is there any more pizza left? (MUSIC CONTINUES) Somebody please turn that music off! Throw this away. I cannot hear myself... (MUSIC CEASES) ..think. (ALL) Hey! OK, as we involuntarily enter into this enforced period of silence, can I ask if there's any medication you forgot to take or some I might recommend? Yes, like take a... (ALL) Chill pill! I only need one witness. Get out. What's up, Captain? A subpoena from your buddy Zane. The feds want our witnesses. "We're now officially in contempt." If Cortland don't send someone to kill them I'll do it myself. One other thing. I got this invoice here for an air conditioner. "$7,572 and 44 cents." Can you explain that to me? I'll have to get back. Where do you think you're going? To the Cactus Cafe. Asleep At The Wheel's playing. Nobody goes out. We're young, we're strong and we're tired of being cooped up. I haven't had phone sex in almost a week. I've oats to plough. You got oats to sow! Like hell. What's to stop me from walking out that door? The Tontos? I eat men like that for breakfast. And you? I'd like to see you try it, Mr Ranger Man. Hmn! Come on. (SHOUTS IN SPANISH) No! (SCREAMS) Anybody else wanna go see Asleep At The Wheel? '"(SCREAMING)"' You think he needs backup? '"(CRASHING)"' No. I think he can handle it. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Let me guess, Clay. You looking for Jimmy? Totally. Dude, are you like a psychic or some kind of shit? Some kind of shit. Dude, the thing is, Jimmy moved. Oh. Where to? Travis County jailhouse. That ain't good. OK. A hairdo this phenomenal only happens, like, twice a year. Please. It really needs to be shared with the world. What if we have to go to the bathroom? Go ahead. You're evil, you know that? Face it, girls, you're here with me tonight. We didn't ask for this. We just went into the bathroom and saw a guy die. We could've kept quiet. We didn't, and now we're getting punished. You're not being punished. Then, let us out of here. Even prisoners on death row get a little yard time. How about the mall? Shopping? I don't think so. A movie? Not in the mood. As captain of the cheerleading squad, I demand you take us someplace where you can protect us and we have fun. Mmn-hmn. # "Dancing Queen" - Abba # You can dance # You can jive # Having the time of your life # Ooh-ooh, See that girl # Watch that scene # Digging the dancing queen # (GIRLS LAUGH) Look who's skating! (ALL LAUGH) Last time I was here it was Emma's sixth birthday! You don't speak to her much. I don't think she wants to talk to me. Every girl wants to talk to her dad. She just acts like she doesn't. Everything I say around her is wrong. I been wrong since she turned 11. Maybe you're just not asking her the right question. First, never ask, "So, how's school?" Dumb questions, our brains just shut off. And don't become her best friend. We have enough friends, thank you. What do you wish you could say? I wish I could see her more, I'm sorry it didn't work out between her mother and me. It wasn't her fault. And stuff like that. If my daddy told me that I'd be the happiest girl alive. Haven't seen my dad in nine years. I'm sorry that happened to you. You love her, you should just tell her. Maybe you should take her skating cos you're getting pretty good! I am getting the hang of it. We're going to let you go. Show us your funky groove! (ALL CHEER) Alright! Yes, sir. Are you OK? That was bad! Morning, Emma. Mr Zane? Look at you, you're all grown up. Yeah. Wow. It's been a long time. Sure has. What are you doing here? I'm looking for your father. Any idea where I might find him? No. He doesn't really tell me anything. What happened to your arm? One of the hazards of the job. You wouldn't happen to have a number, would you? Is he in trouble? No, no, just I'm working on a case and need his help. OK. Well, if I need to get hold of him I call dispatch and they patch me through on the restricted line. I'll try that. OK. Good to see you again. Bye. Sharp, lookie here. Remember that John Doe they pulled out of a rest stop? His rifle matches the bullet they dug outta Swanson. Is this the fella y'all seen shoot Morgan Ball? No. The guy who shot Ball seemed a lot nicer. And a lot less dead. It was like Ball knew him. Knew him? Yeah. Can you get us home so we can get some rest? Nope. (ALL) Please! Load up. # Love is # Walking together # Love is # Talking together # Make you wanna moan, come on # Yeah, yeah, yeah, oooh # Oh, yeah, yeah # I like that. That's where we gonna kill 'em. Remind me to take a collection right after that. That'll be a good time to get the money. If it ain't Martin Luther Vandross! Why don't you take a break real quick. This man's probably got a lotta sins he needs to confess. We may have to exorcise him. (MUMBLES) Can't you see I'm doing the Lord's business? Do you know this guy? Oooh. Wow. I mean, that is... That is... He got roughed up. That's pretty bad. Is he dead? He's way dead. (SIGHS) Yeah. He looks like a guy that was in the can with me and... (SIGHS) His name was Jack Carter. He work for Cortland? Oh, no. He was more of a freelance artist, if you know what I'm s-saying. Looks like Cortland hired a second shooter. See what we got on Jack Carter. So, you girls are cheerleaders, huh? Yeah. Y'all recognise me? It's me - Percy. Yeah. Percy Pirouette... ..Stevens. Class of '89. I was bad. I was a bad man. Y'all think that's funny? I'm good. OK. You think that's funny? You wait one second. (CRASHING / SMASHING) (ALL GIGGLE) Wow. # Urgh ungowa Texas got the power # I said yes # (ALL LAUGH) Yeah, that was real fresh, Bobby Brown. Yeah? Let me tell you something. I may have missed the '90s due to a previous engagement, but back in my day we brought it. Oh, yeah. I'm talking real old school. Not that tired crap you tried out to. That "A-G-G-I-E." "What's that spell?" What's that smell? Ladies! All set? (ALL) You bet! # More power, more power # More power to the hour # More bounce, more bounce # More bounce to the ounce... Boring. # Mmm, hot Now show us what you've got # # Everybody dance now # Gimme the music # Gimme the music # Everybody dance now # Everybody dance now # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Everybody dance now # Yeah (MUSIC DISTORTS) # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah, that's old school. 1 "Hello?" Hi, Emma - "Psyche! You got my machine. You know what to do." Hi, Emma, it's your father. Dad! (LAUGHS WRYLY) I was just calling in to check in, see how you're doin'. It's hard to reach me right now. I'm working on a case, er... You know, like what I'm always doing, just... ..working on a case. (SIGHS) I'd like to talk to you, so call me. You know how to reach me, er... If you feel like it. No pressure or anything like that, it's, er... (You know...) (SIGHS) Well, I guess that's it. Tell her you miss her. Except I miss you, baby. Can I help you? Teresa had a visit from a little friend. What did I tell you about visitors? (LAUGHS) Not that kind of visitor! Her menses. The curse of Eve. The crimson tide - I get it. So someone has to go shopping. Do you want me to go? "Paul, get over here. I'm going out for some air." (TANNOY) "Price check on register three, please." "Register three, please." (MUZAK PLAYS) Can't make up your mind? Do I need the slim fit, the regular protection or the one with wings? The ones with the wings, definitely. Hmn, cucumber melon body spray? Vanilla smoothie bikini cream. A painful night for your wife! I'm divorced. They're for the girls. The cheerleaders. You do their shopping? You are a curious fella, Mr Sharp. You gay? The girls are studying. I volunteered to help out and pick up a few things. Are you sleeping with any or possibly all of these girls? No. Wanna have dinner with me tomorrow? Negative. Negative. It's not really possible, what with work and all. Well, OK. That plane just flew into the side of the mountain. Call off the search, no survivors. Have a pleasant evening. These yours? Yes. You left them on the counter. Thank you. Thank you. I think I made a mistake back there. Didn't want the wings after all? No. In regard to dinner. It's not that I don't want to. It's hard for me to get away from my schedule as assistant cheerleading coach. This whole cheerleading thing must be tough a racket. You've no idea. Anyway, I was thinking if you're not opposed to it, maybe you could come over and I'll fix dinner. OK. Eight o'clock? Yeah, good. OK. By the way, I'm Molly. I'm Roland. Roland. Yeah. OK, Roland. (CHUCKLES TO SELF) You're not on the Zone or counting points or anything, are you? No. Is that the North Star? No. I think that's an aeroplane. See the way it's moving? Hmn! That's the North Star. So, that's where they been keeping it? Some day I'll do more than look at stars. I'm fixing to soar with them. What, you mean like an astronaut or something? No, not exactly. Not a living one at least. They got this company out of Beaumont, and they'll launch remains into outer space. Really? I love shit like that. How? What they do is - Holt, what the hell are you doing? Contemplating the vastness of the universe, sir. (LOUD SCREAM) It's supposed to be red. Does this look like red to you? Shoot her, Sharp. You'd be doing her a favour. Where are Teresa and Anne? I dunno. You're lying. How do you know? You broke eye contact - signs of stress and deception. So is picking at your clothes. Tell me where they're at! Trace and Antonio had a big fight and needed to blow off some steam so they went to the Buffalo Billiards. You stay here. Don't be contemplating the universe with anybody. # I'm usually talking to this guy # I see you out the corner of my eye # (LAUGHS) Look, a native approaches. Avoid eye contact. You're the cheerleaders. Ones with the calendar? Nope. Could have sworn you were June. June kicks ass. Sorry. Wrong girl. Well, me and my buddies over there, we go to every game. Have you seen us? Yeah, yeah. I thought I recognised you guys. You guys were the ones getting really drunk going, "Whoo, whoo!" So, you saw us? No. Your school spirit sucks. I'm captain of the cheer squad. Our school spirit kicks ass. It's getting hit on by idiots like you that sucks. You're a sassy bitch. I like that. Get your hands... (GLASS SMASHES) Everybody cool off. You've had enough fun tonight. Aaaarrgh! Now I've had enough fun. Was that necessary? You could seriously injure a young man by doing that. I should warn you,... I know karate. You'd better know somethin'. Any of the rest of you boys in this pool hall wanna play the winner? We had the situation under control. Yeah. We were about to go all Buffy on their gringo asses. So air out your home by opening windows and doors regularly to . Did you realise that the average New Zealand home produces around 8 litres of moisture a day? Over a year, it's the equivalent of two of these. Damp homes are harder to heat, and they're bad for our health. So air out your home by opening windows and doors regularly to let fresh air circulate, use externally vented fans in bathrooms, kitchens and laundries and dry clothes outside when you can. Remember ` Meet the all-new King Meaty at BK. With Ploughman's Chutney, a third-pound Angus beef patty, Tendercrisp chicken, bacon and a hint of vegetable. It's all part of the irresistible new Meatatarian Range. Burgers the way they're meant to be. 1 I brought you a pillow. It's better than the ones you been using. Buckwheat hulls. It's good for the neck support. Thank you. That was cool what you did for the girls. That's one big bullet. You fixing to send a monkey up in that thing? That thing is a Personnel Suppressor Deluxe. Personnel Suppressor? You mean killing. Can't you wound them or something? Shoot the gun out of their hand? No, it's impossible. You're not really the cheerleading type, are you? It's more a penance than a passion. Religious ascetics wear a hair shirt. I carry the pompoms. Hmm. I don't know. I guess it's the duality of man, you know? That Jungian thing, sir. Matthew Modine Full Metal Jacket peace sign on one side of his helmet and Born to Kill on the other - my favourite movie. My favourite movie is the Sound Of Music. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose "by any other name would smell as sweet." I don't understand any of this. It's pretty simple. She's a Capulet, he's a Montague, the two families hate each other, always have and always will. Why couldn't Shakespeare just say it like that? He could have, but nobody would be talking about it 410 years later. How do you know so much about it? I read the play. Why would you read the play? Molly's coming for dinner tonight. Who's Molly? Professor McCarthy. You call her Molly? What is that smell? Five-alarm chilli. It's my specialty. You're putting meat into my lentil pot? He's making dinner for Molly. Who's Molly? Professor McCarthy - Intro to English lit. I had her last quarter. She's a babe. This what you gonna serve her? It's his specialty. My wife loved my chilli. Your wife left your gassy old ass. What's going on? (ALL) Sharp's got a date. What are you wearing? Pants, sport coat. Not that butt-ugly thing. I like it. What comes first, the astringent or exfoliator? I don't use that. You are, you got pores the size of manhole covers. We better do something about all this hair. And you can use some bronzer - I don't bronze! You'll bronze, White boy. I've groomed myself for longer than y'all been alive. Some things have changed since you were young. We've discovered fire. She's right. And if you wanna get over you better listen. I'm having dinner. Not looking like that. Barb, can do anything with the hair? Shave it all off. (SPEAKS SPANISH) Barb. Come on. It's never gonna work out between you and Sharp. He's old enough to be your great,... great, great, great grandfather. You have an opportunity to help him. You went to beauty school. I flunked out. I know! But he doesn't know that. # I'm too sexy for my shirt # Too sexy for my shirt # So sexy it hurts # "Natural-looking dramatic highlights that enhance and brighten your natural hair colour." Yes. No. (BUZZES) OK, let's focus on the conversation. How you gonna get things rolling? I dunno. Been a long time since I went on a date. That's OK. Look, just give us a little preview. I'm her, I come in. Go! I'll start out by saying hello. No, I'll say hi. No, hello's better. I think. Oh, I'll wait to see how I feel at the time. Probably start out saying, asking her if she ever... I'll probably start talking about... I'm in deep shit, ain't I? (SPEAKS SPANISH) Who knew you were such a babe? Even if you didn't let us frost your tips. You clean up nice. All that and then some. Thank you. A woman is like a horse. She likes the guy on the saddle to have a grip on the reins. Excuse me, a woman is not a horse. Be yourself. I'm not sure that's the right direction. OK. Just be yourself, but not the you who you are, the you who you'd be if you were somebody else. Somebody better. Yeah. Somebody better. Maybe we ought to call this off. OK. (ALL) No! (DOORBELL RINGS) OK, don't be the schizoid Sharp. Be the Sharp who embraces life. Don't worry, we'll be with you every step of the way. Sergeant Holt provided us with a spare set of eyes and ears. Can you hear me? Can you hear me now? "(SCREECHING)" Get out of here! Sorry. (DOORBELL RINGS) (Take these.) Go! Hello. Come in. Tell her she looks nice. "You look nice." Thank you. So do you. Nifty jacket. Give her the flowers. Girls thought you might like those. They were your idea! They were my idea, but the girls thought you might... like those. Well, they were right. They're not here, are they? No. Good. That would've been a little awkward. "Yes. Real awkward." Take the wine. "Take it." I'll just go open this. (Where do we keep the corkscrew?) Left of the sink, top drawer. Base to ranger one. We've got a make-up check in the dining room. "Make-up check in the dining room." (What does that mean?) It means she digs you, man. Now loosen the hell up. Thank you. Root beer. I gave up alcohol about ten years ago. Didn't like yourself when you drank? I loved myself, it was other people who had the problem. (LAUGHS) He's a dork. Well, why don't I put these in some water? Yeah. Alright, you got a laugh. Now go to the table and light the candles. No, that's such a lame move. Candles are a total cliche. What do you know about cliches? You got a water bed. Candles are sexy. "He might as well pull up a bearskin rug and a disco ball!" (I need confirmation.) (Is lighting a candle a cool move or not a cool move?) Fine. All in favour of candles? Me! Opposed? Hmn-hmn! Mission control to Sharp, light those candles. "(SIGHS) So many of my colleagues just stick it out for the pay cheque and benefits." Or, in my ex-husband's case, for the endless supply of fresh, young co-eds. Why would a man want to be with a girl when he could be with a woman? Or in your case, with five girls. (LAUGHS) What is your story? My work became my mistress. Before I knew it, that was all I had. "(SLOW COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS)" # Well, hello there... Willie Nelson... Man after my own heart. You wanna dance? # How am I doing? # Oh, I guess that I'm doing fine # So, what's really going on here? Dancing. (LAUGHS) No, I mean here. What is a man like you doing in this house? (SIGHS HARD) Well, it's a... ..temporary assignment. I venture to guess it has nothing to do with cheerleading, does it? Not much, no. It's kind of complicated. You wanna go in the living room? Yeah. Oh, gross, what are you gonna do, bang her on the couch? "Good night, Barb. Do your homework." I can still see you. You're killing me. "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" Hi. I'm returning a call from somebody named Evie. "That's me. Is this Emma?" Yeah. I'm sorry, do I know you? No, no, but I know your dad. I got your number from his cellphone. I hope you don't mind, but I'm doing this psych paper and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions? "Yeah, OK." "Great." "I have this Hex Rally tomorrow night, but I was wondering if we could get started tonight." Five, six, seven, eight. (GIRLS HUM) Barb. Hi! This is - Terrible, I know! I was gonna say good. I'm proud of you, it's good! (SQUEALS) What y'all doing? Getting pumped for Hex Rally. We'll have to miss it. No nixing the Hex. It must go on. You can't stop the Hex. It's bigger than all of us. That right? If we were doctors we'd cure cancer. If we were nurses we'd give people shots. If we were astronauts we would... do other things. But we're not, we're cheerleaders and we're going to the Hex Rally. You don't respect cheerleading, do you? No. Because you still don't get it. Samuel L Jackson, Sandra Bullock, Cameron Diaz, Calista Flockhart, Madonna and Halle Berry... Not to mention Franklin D Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan, George W Bush and the governor of our fair state, Rick Perry... All cheerleaders. Yeah. You're a negative person, Sharp. Cheerleading is about the positive. Our job is to inspire, support and electrify. Any fool can feel good winning, but when you're down 27 points that's when you ask, "Who you gonna call?" I might call Halle Berry. (CHEERING FROM STADIUM) Hey, Longhorns, are we ready to take A&M to the mat? (ALL) Yeah! I don't think these guys can hear you. (ALL CHEER LOUDLY) Alright, well, now that we've put the hex on those Aggies, raise your flames up for someone who knows a thing or two about spirit. I'm talking about assistant cheer coach, Roland Sharp! (ALL CHEER) What am I supposed to do with this? Inspire and electrify. Go! Alright. Er... This torch right here represents the spirit burning deep within the heart of every Longhorn, that never can be extinguished. Alright. You're here because you wanna see your Longhorns emerge victorious. (ALL) Yeah. You wanna see 'em dominate the football field. (ALL) Yeah! And win the football game. It's up to each and every one of us to help them. We got to raise 'em up. We got to hoist 'em high. (CHEERS) Put 'em on a platform of positivity. Any fool can feel good winning but when you're down 27 points, you've got to ask yourself, "Who you gonna call?" I tell you who I'm gonna call. That's these ladies. They're the most spirited group of ladies I've ever seen, or had a chance to get to know, or coming into contact with. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. (ALL CHEER WILDLY) It's not OK to control your partner with threats. It's not OK to control who they spend time with,... ...how they use their phone or Facebook or how they dress. It's not OK to make them live in fear. It's not OK to say it's none of our business. Because it is our business. And it's not OK. Ever. But it is OK to ask for help. 1 OK, now, can I get a witness? This man has got the spirit. I thought he was gonna start speaking in tongues. What about "platform of positivity"? I was gonna do a cartwheel, but I didn't want to steal the limelight. (GIRLS LAUGH) I think Sharp made a development. It's more of a jape or a jest, but it's progress. Can we go to the party? Negativo, baby. Please. When are you guys gonna get over yourselves? Nobody is trying to kill us. Get out of this van right now! Come on, come on. This thing is not working! It's not working! I'm stuck. I'm stuck, I can't get out! I'm stuck. Get down! OK. Maybe somebody is trying to kill us. How did they, like, find us? They looked for us. What about Emma? She doesn't know where I am. Yes, sir, she does. She called last night on the house phone. Oops. She was returning my call. Was that a mistake? (SIGHS) Get them upstairs. Come on, let's go. Now. Come on. "(PHONE RINGS)" (CELLPHONE RINGS) Hello? Where you at? I'm at home. Where's your mother? I told you, she and Keith went to Cancun. You don't have to check up on me. Your friend from the FBI is here. Let me talk to him. He wants to talk to you. Hey, Sharp. How your witnesses doing? Everyone safe? You're making a big mistake. Good. I was telling Emma there's a desperate guy out there trying to cover up a crime and if he couldn't get to you, he might come to her. Don't worry. I'm here and everything's cool. Emma, darling, is there any more coffee? Yeah, sure, Mr Zane. Thank you. "I'm a dead man, Sharp. I don't care about your witnesses any more." "All I want is the money Ball stole from Cortland." "The night you arrested Ball you took a key from him." Yeah. Good. Here's what you're gonna do. "Go to the bank, take the money out of the safe-deposit box, put the money in a duffel bag." "Get your truck and meet me in Eagle Pass near the border at 2pm." "Only you, Sharp. No-one else." "(TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT IN SPANISH)" (CELLPHONE RINGS) Put your keys in the bag, get out of the truck with the money. Put the bag on the ground. Put your weapon in the bag. Put your cellphone in the bag, get back in the truck and handcuff yourself to the steering wheel. Don't try any tricks, Sharp, or I will shoot her right here and now. "(TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT IN SPANISH)" Thanks, Roland, you're a good parent. "Last announcement for the bus leaving for Laredo, Nuevo Laredo." What the hell...? Howdy. What are you all doing here? Barb's got a plan. Barb has a plan?! Do you know what you're doing? Spent a year in juvie - stealing cars. It was an educational experience. How did y'all get here? Brand-new car. (CHATTING IN SPANISH) (BREATHES HEAVILY / HUMS) Hmn! I think I'm having the baby. I can't do it. Evie, get it together. You can do it. Breathe. Keep breathing. Ready? Driver, stop the bus! My friend's having a baby! I did it. OK! (SCREAMS IN SPANISH) I have to get off! I have to have my baby in America! I've got the bags. Aaaargh! (SHOUTS IN SPANISH) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! That's my bag. Er, no, it's mine. It's my bag. Hi, Emma. We're friends of your dad's so follow me, OK? It's my bag, OK? Drop the bag! It's my bag! Drop the bag. (ALL SCREAM) You OK? Yeah. It's like dismounting a stretch pyramid. Off the bus! You ready? Uh-huh. One, two... Move it, move it, move it! Come on, Emma! Are you serious? I'm a math major. You, too, off the bus now! (WOMAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH) Are you alright? I'm fine. (SIGHS) (HORN BEEPS) (BELL RINGS / ALARM SOUNDS) Come on. There's doctors, air con and three meals a day back in town, and I need you to testify. You're gonna have to kill me, Sharp. Damn. (REPORTERS JOSTLE AT ONCE) Mr Cortland! Looking sharp, Sharp. I don't know. Maybe we should do another mask. Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot! (GIGGLES) Cute. Ah! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Damn it! The language. Hello? We're in a church. Look at you. Hey, you guys. Could you excuse us for a second? (ALL) Sure. Yeah, OK. Don't be nervous. And Sharp, remember, inspire and electrify, OK? See ya. I feel like a freak show in this dress. Prettiest freak show I ever saw. Wait till they see you at Vassar. Actually, I was thinking of turning Vassar down and actually just becoming a cheerleader. Dad, that was a joke. Oh! (LAUGHS) That's why I'm laughing so hard. I love you, Daddy. I love you, too, baby. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here for this most splendiferous and loquacious occasion, to join this couple in holy matrimony. Now, Roland, do you promise to love this woman, and, de-de-de-de, before you answer, remember that... # Love is # Walking together # Well # Love is # Talking together # Well # Love is # Saying together # (Percy!) Mmmm? (Get on with it.) Sure. Of course. Well, do you? I do. And Molly. Radiant, beautiful Molly. Molly, Molly, Molly, good golly, Miss Molly. Whop-baba-loom-bam-whap-bam-boo. Do you promise to love Roland when he is odoriferous, indifferent, belligerent? I do. You do? I do. OK. Well... Ahem. By the power vested in me by the state of Texas, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride. C'mon, y'all let's get this party started. # The power yeah # We're talking about the power of love # Well # The power # Yeah # Power of love # Talking about the power # (MUSIC SPEEDS UP) Whoo! Who put this table here? IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016