Argh! (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (BARNEY BELCHES) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (YELLS) (BEEPING) (PLAYING THE BLUES) (PLAYING THE BLUES) (TYRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (TYRES SCREECH) (GRUNTS) Hello, boy. Why, you...! (GRUNTING AND GROANING) Captioned by Media Access Group www.able.co.nz Able 2015 (LAUGHS) That is disgusting! Hang on. Here's a spot that still looks good. (PANTING) So, do we have a winner? Homer: Hmm... Not ugly enough. I want something that looks like this... BART: Ay, caramba! ...had a baby with this, and it got sat on by this. I think I've come up with the answer. Oh... my... God! SWEETLY: You never fail to nauseate me, boy. (LAUGHS) Just call me Barf Simpson. I wanted to, but your mother said kids might tease you. (CHUCKLING) Half an hour to showtime, your ugliness. Dad, do you realize we've put more time into this than all my schoolwork combined? But if we win this, we get a gift certificate. For what? (CHUCKLES) It doesn't matter. (THUMPING) (HUMMING) How ya doin'? I need a diaper for my chimp that won't upset my tiger's stomach if he eats the chimp. Fear not. Our chimp diapers have that nutty cinnamon taste tigers love. (CHATTERS) Mmm! It's a great time to be a tiger. (KIDS LAUGHING) Mr Flanders, how did you make these amazing fish? (CHUCKLES) Actually, God made some fish that were pretty close to these, so naturally we selected those for further breeding. So that natural selection was the origin of this species? Yup, that's exactly... Whoa-oa-oa! You almost got me. (GASPING) Not on my watch! (HUMMING) (GRUNTING) (HUMMING) This seat taken? Uh, yes, I'm saving it for... this soy sauce packet. Aw, man, you know you're a loser when they don't even work hard on the excuse. I'll just sit here, then. Thanks a lot, everyone. Choke on yourselves. Ah, here we go. Oh, no, you don't. (GRUMBLING) (PANTING) Whoa, that one's so ugly, it reminds me of my ex-wife! Hah! (LAUGHS FEEBLY) That one reminds me of her lawyer. Congress... Elderly drivers... Commercials... Bella Abzug... Hey, clown, we've heard your stand-up! Now how about some shut-up! (ALL LAUGHING) Everybody's a comedian. Except you! (ALL LAUGHING) Well, why don't you come up here and try to entertain 'em? Do it, Moe! Come on, Moe! Entertain us! Well, I guess I could. Uh... At least I'd get a chair. Check it out. Two train wrecks connected by a strip of leather. (ALL LAUGH) I don't wanna say it's ugly, but PETA called and said we should kill this one. (ALL LAUGH) And now, owned by one of the ugliest families in Springfield... Satan's little helper! (ALL GASP) Oh! Whoa! Even the Koreans wouldn't touch this dog! (ALL LAUGH) (WHINES) We have a winner! (ALL CHEER) Oh... (SMOOCHES) Ooh, everyone's coming over to congratulate us! Humble faces, kids! Humbler! Lisa, too humble. (PEOPLE CLAMOURING) Hmm? You're hilarious! Judge my baby! Say something cruel about me! Would you do my kid's birthday party? ALL CHANTING: Moe! Moe! Moe! Wow, they love me for my bile. And I got a spleenful! Hel-lo! No, no, no, I don't need your fair-weather friendship... (DEJECTED PURR) ...is what I'll say tomorrow morning! (CHUCKLES) CARL: Man, you sure saved that dog show. Moe, you were hilarious. Ah, I was just doin' what comes naturally to me ` being mean to animals. Uh, excuse me, sir. I was wondering if you would judge an outrageous beard contest I'm in tonight. Well, uh, anyone can get a laugh at the expense of an ugly dog. But crazy beards? That's where the big boys play. You got the gift, baby! Come on, Moe. Can you make it sound like girls askin' me? Oh, Moe, please do it! Oh! Please? Moe, please? (CHUCKLES) OK, you crazy dames, I'll do it! (ALL GIGGLING GIRLISHLY) Which means this joint is closed for the night. Don't be that way! You kidding me? You can't close! I'll have to go home and drink better beer at half the price in natural lighting! (SIGHS) I didn't want to have to do this. (ALL SHRIEKING) Yeah, that's right! Scatter, ya cockroaches! Mr Szyslak, would you like to buy some band candy? That doesn't work on me. Oh, yeah? How 'bout this scary face? (SHRIEKING) I can see that down deep is a decent man. (SIGHS) Fine. You're home early! Oh, can't a guy rush home from work to see his beautiful... Moe's is closed, huh? Yeah. Now what am I supposed to do? We can enjoy each others' company. OK. (BOTH SIGHING) Still wanna be at Moe's? She's right, Homer. You're happier there. Mr Szyslak, you want to buy some band candy? Even in the thought bubble, I gotta buy band candy? Looks like you ate a Rastafarian, and he's comin' back up on ya! (ALL LAUGHING) Now looky here. I'm no judge of talent, but I am a judge of judging. And in my judge judgment, you have a talent for judging talent. You talk like my ass plays harmonica. (LAUGHS) You should share your hilarious hate with everyone! # Why can't you be nicer to me? # My pride is dying. # I think I'm all done lying, oh... # (GASPS) I didn't see you come in. Well, since Moe's is closed again, I thought I'd help you cook dinner. Well, I don't need much help, but you can keep me company. (SHRIEKS) You know what? I'll just cook this later. (SHRIEKS) What are we watching? Uh, I'm gonna go read a book. Marge: Huh? After the title page, it's Bob Dole's memoirs. This is terrible! I've seen better stitching on a baseball glove! Can I have another corpse? They weren't corpses. Uh-oh. Moe Szyslak? I'm from UCAA, the Uncreative Artists Agency. We represent some of the biggest stars on TV. TV, huh? that crap still on? Yes, sir. Never been crappier. Listen, Moe, reality shows are looking for judges, and you're that mythical creature we thought we would never find: you're mean, you're funny, and you're not British! I am so not British. Don't let this pasty face and bad teeth fool ya. Perfect! So, what kind of reality shows are we talkin' about here? Well, to name just a few: America's Ripest Bananas, So You Think You Can Judge, WHO Wants To Be A Welder? Poodle Versus Elephant... Leg Swap, Old People Try To Figure Out Computers, American Idol, Dancing With Cars Of The Stars, America's Drunkest Nobody, Let's Make A Veal... Love that show. Somali Pirate Apprentice. Right, yeah, with those guys. Fix Andy Dick. It's about time. Bottom Chef, My Life On Kathy Griffin, Pimp My Crypt, Are You Fatter Than A Fifth Grader? and Grave Robbers Of Orange County. Geez, that's, uh, quite a list. Hang on. I'm getting a text. Ooh, those were all just cancelled, except for American Idol. Did you just say Armenian Idol? Cos that's my favourite show! No, no, no, no, no, American Idol. Oh, yeah. Who's their Egor Glumov? Randy Jackson. Ah, good enough. 1 Uh, hey, driver, could you put on a song about California or Los Angeles? Ah, they all suck. But here's a great one about Alabama! # Sweet home Alabama # where the skies are so blue. # Sweet home Alabama, # Lord, I'm coming home to you. # Now that I have all this free time, I thought I would do you a huge favour. That's nice. What kind of favour? I organized the kitchen. I labelled everything with a label maker,... and I mixed all the spices together into one super spice! (MEOWS) (GASPS, LABOURED BREATHING) Oh-oh, what kind of ventilating is that? Hyper! (FANS CHEERING) (PLAYER GRUNTS) (SIREN WAILS) Wow, Marge, I can't believe you're taking me to a sports bar. Well, it's been such a blessing having you around the house. Making my life easier, as you so put it. So I thought you deserved a reward. (TYRES SCREECH) (FANS CHEERING) (LAUGHING) (ZAPPING, GROANS) Watching hockey. Watching them pass that puck. Oh, yeah. Lacrosse, idiot. Hey, man, can you settle a bet? What was the greatest XFL team that never won a championship? Uh, the Long Island Iced Teas? I think you want the gay bar across the street. (HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING) As an 8-year-old girl in 21st-century America, I know how it is to feel insecure about your looks. But you've got so much going for you. I'd kill for your sense of smell. You have a nice firm handshake. And when you wag your tail, it really lights up a room. Now let's scoot together. Wow, I can't believe I'm here. The place where magic is made. (CHUCKLES) I really appreciate you showing me around, Simon. Always happy to help the newbies. And how do you like LA.? Oh, it's a helluva city. It's like somebody stepped on New York and scraped it off on the beach. Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive. You know, I don't say this often, Moe, but I actually think you're quite good at this. (CHUCKLES) Oh, well... Oh, nuts. Here come the paparazzi. Hey. Ha! Ugh. Homie, I thought you were at that sports bar. Well, that place was for die-hard sports fans. Not guys like me, who are only fans when their team makes the playoffs. So I decided to take apart the washing machine to see where that penny I left in my pants went. Well, I am glad you're spending more time with us, but maybe you should get a plumber to help you with that. Oh, those guys are all crooks. They charge you for parts and labour? Pick one, buddy. I can do this just fine by myself. (GRUNTS) Don't worry, I got it. (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) (MUTTERS) Sure is hell to have your husband around all the time, ain't it? At least in hell, the heat still works. Well, I do know something that could occupy his time. A lot of his time. Seen it work with plenty of men my age. Only thing is, you may not get him back. What is it? OMINOUS VOICE: Golf. (MUFFLED GRUNTING) Hey there, neighbour. You look as puffed up as a peacock in a... (SHOUTING) Golf it is. Golf what is? Uh, you wanted to see me, Simon? Moe, as you know, over the past few days I've grown rather fond of you. I can't believe you gave me your home phone number. That's not my home number. That's my assistant's work number. Now, Moe, I want to give you a friendly warning ` don't do what I did. Don't become the mean judge. But it's brought you everything a man could want. Uh, I bet you throw out your paper plates instead of reusing them till the food drops through. That's true. Everything you said is true. But there's a cost. I'm lonely, Moe. No one dares to be my friend, for fear I'll say something nasty. But what we do is just kiddin' around, right? People know that. Do they? They've been preparing a bio of you, with interviews of people you've judged. Let's have a look. He's the meanest man in town. Nasty. Uncouth. ALL: We hate you. So does Stu. Edit that so it rhymes with something. He's a... <BLEEP>! Wow, I can't believe this, Simon. Simon? Huh. Was he really here, or was it just my imagination? I'm here. My black tee shirt makes me blend into the shadows. I'm here, I'm gone. I'm here, I'm gone. I'm here, I'm gone. I'm here. I get it. I get it. That-That's your thing. (BARNEY BELCHES) (WHISTLE BLOWS) 1 # Happy birthday to... HIGH NOTE: # You! # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is it, Moe ` America's going to learn just what sort of man you are. OK, Randy, what'd you think of that performance? A'ight, a'ight, you know what? I was feelin' that, dawg. 'Happy' was very cool, right? But 'birth' was definitely a little pitchy. But I gotta tell you something, you worked it out on 'day,' man. And then when you hit that 'to you', dude, that was the bomb. You blew out all the candles, baby. If you think that answer was a yes, text the number at the bottom of the screen. Giant secret charges may apply. Kara? I have to admit, I didn't think you could come back from last week, when your version of Brown Sugar made Mick Jagger retire from singing forever. But you rocked it. Ellen, what's your 'ramble' on this? Ryan, I don't ramble anymore. Although I do love that song Ramblin' Man by the Allman Brothers. I used to think that they were 'The Almond Brothers,' which was cool, because I love nuts. Except for filberts, which is weird because I love Dilbert, cos when you're stuck working in a cubicle, sometimes you just gotta dance. (CHEERING) Now let's hear from the new guy, Moe Szyslak. (CROWD MURMURING) Uh,... well, let's see here, um.... Don't become the mean judge. Mr Cowell, would you like some band candy? Security. Uh, I'm afraid you're wasting your time on this stage,... (LAUGHING AND HOOTING) ...because you should be on Broadway chargin' 100 bucks a ticket. You're a natural talent. (GIGGLES) I'm gettin' a little emotional here, because your voice, it opened up a little part of me that I thought was closed to truth and beauty forever. If there's a god, I just hope that right now he's votin' your name on that 8-8-8 line. VOICE BREAKING: It was, it was really beautiful. Really. Thank you. OK, that's four thumbs up. And finally, because this show now has more judges than the Supreme Court,... Simon, what do you say? Well, that was a truly a remarkable version of Happy Birthday. Because when it was done, I actually felt like I had lost a year of my life. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND HOOTING) But even more objectionable were Moe's insipid comments, a desperate plea for affection, which fell as flat as the hair on my head. (LAUGHTER) Why are you raggin' on me? I'm just doin' what you said. Hmm. Let me think. Why would I try to sabotage a new judge who just might do what I do for $48 million less? Hey, hey, hey. I've been double-crossed here. You're pretty smart huh, Simon? Let's see how smart you are with your voice box hangin' out. (GRUNTS) Label to camera. Label to camera. What? Oh. Sorry. Sorry. Tees, scorecard, stubby little pencil. You're all set. Have fun, Homie. Looks like Jimmy's starting him off with a three iron. My first shot was with a three iron. One shot, and I was hooked for life. Barely saw my family again. Birthdays, anniversaries, I missed 'em all. I'm missing my daughter's wedding right now. Sweet guy, I'm told. One shot. Hooked for life. (SHRIEKS) Huh? Marge, you ruined my shot. You can take another, in 40 years. I didn't rip out his voice box, but I did stretch out his tee shirt. Then they said I ain't allowed back in California no more and I can no longer make judgments about nothin'. Hey, Moe, am I OK to drive? Legally, I can't say. To a drunk man, that's a yes. (IMITATING CAR ENGINE) Beep, beep. He seems fine. There is one bright side: I'm also forbidden from ever watching Fox. You can't even show it in the bar? That's right, and business has never been better. (PATRONS CLAMOURING) Oh, hey, how's it goin' there, Mr Murdoch? Never mind me. Put on the Jay Leno Show. Have you seen this? The president says Iran has gotten a hold of the most dangerous weapon known to man: The BP oil rig. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. But I know how to make that leak disappear: put it on NBC. (LAUGHING) Captioned by Media Access Group www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015