(engine revving faintly) (car approaching) ("Tick Tick Boom" by The Hives playing) (tyres screeching) # Yeah, yeah, yeah # I was right all along # Yeah, yeah, yeah # You come tagging along # Exhibit A on the tray, what you say # As I throw it in your face # Exhibit B, what you see, well, that's me # I put you back in your place # Yeah, I done it before and I can do it some more # So what you waiting for? (tyres screech) (kids chattering playfully) # And you come crying to me -(horn honks) - # But it's too late # The man you try hard to be, but it's too late # Get your head out the sand # But it's too late (train bell ringing, whistle blowing) (tyres screech) # It's too late # Yeah # Oh, yeah # But it's too late, you get your head out the sand # But it's too late, it's too late, too late -(alarm beeping) - # You know I done it before -(tyres screeching) - # And I can do it some more # I got my eye on the score # I'm gonna cut to the core # You know I done it before # And I can do it some more # I got my eye on the score # I'm gonna cut to the core # It's too late, it's too soon, it's too late # It's too soon, it's too late, it's too soon # Or is it? # Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick # Boom. # BOY: 34 minutes. Four minutes late. Pizza's free. Come on, you guys live two towns away. It's pretty much impossible to get here in 30 minutes. Um, exactly. That's why we order -from your shitty pizza parlour. -Okay. You guys are pretty smart. Figured out a way to beat the system. There you go. Thank you. What, no tip? Sorry, only got the big bills. DELIVERY MAN: Mmm, you guys kind of remind me of me when I was your age, actually. You know, kind of like just trying to get drunk any chance I get. Yeah, I bet you got the fridge full of beer, right? Man, we don't have anything. DELIVERY MAN: Really? Could you get us some beer? Me? Um, listen, I shouldn't do this, but if you give me the money that your mom gave you for the pizzas, which you didn't give me, uh, I will run out and get you some beer. Let's let him do it. Let's get <BLEEP>ing shit-faced. But I want a tip this time. Give me that. Okay. Um, we have-- that's $40. Oh, thanks, man. Wait, um, how many am I getting? -Whatever that will get us. -Okay. I will see you soon. Wait, you boys like O'Doul's, right? BOY: Yeah. <BLEEP>ing love that shit. Totally. BOY 2: You rule. # Got the sure shot # I got the brand-new doo-doo, guaranteed like Yoo-hoo # I'm on like Dr. John, yeah, Mr. Zu Zu # I'm a newlywed, I'm not a divorcee # And everything I do is <BLEEP> like Lee Dorsey # Because you can't, you won't and you don't stop # Because you can't, you won't and you don't stop # You know you can't, you won't and you don't stop # Ad-Rock come and rock the sure shot... # (music fades) (country music playing faintly in car) (slowly): Okay. All right. All good. (zips zipper) Wow. Oh. Wow. Cool. You really went for it. (chuckles) Okay. Okay, well, I will, uh... Call me. I-I will. Yes, okay. All right, take care. All right. -See you. -Bye. -(car door shuts) -Thanks again. -(horn honks) You have a great personality! Hey. What the hell? Just been sitting there watching the whole time? Yeah, man, I caught the whole show. Really classy move there at the end, by the way-- the kiss. Look, a woman is kind enough to provide me with fellatio services, I'm not just gonna dart out of there like she's an untouchable. And they say chivalry is dead. Here, have a beer. Yeah, alcohol should help wash the taste of yourself out of your mouth. Well, thank you, sir. Mmm. Hey, I rented some movies for us. I got, uh... I got Lethal Weapon. I got, uh, Lethal Weapon 2. Think I'm gonna have to pass. I got to be up early tomorrow. I teach a class at 7:00. Come on, man, you're a sub. Just call in sick. Like the real teacher did. Dude, you know I got promoted to full-time last month, all right? -You bought me a laser pointer. -I know. I'm just having trouble accepting you as the man, you know, 'cause you're you. You know, filling kids' heads with a bunch of bullshit, laser pointing at stuff just so you can have your summers off. I'm sorry I have a career and I don't have time to squeeze -action movies into my schedule. -Okay. Call of Duty? Fine. But you will get smoked. Fruit mother<BLEEP>ing salad! Yeah! <BLEEP>, yeah! -Whoo! -Whoo! That was sick, Dwayne! That was <BLEEP>ing awesome! This one's gonna blow even bigger. Oh, yeah. You know, if you weren't such a skinny little bitch, you could be in the military. I don't need to be in the military, dude. I taught myself to do this shit. Went online and looked all this up. Oh, I hear you. Let's do it. I want this one. -Here. Oh... -Give me the crossbow. Yeah, you get the crossbow, I'll take the detonator. Blow that shit up, dude. This one's mine. Bin Laden! This time, it's personal! <BLEEP> you! (dramatic music playing over TV) Whoa, man, it's so real. Run, bitch! Oh, check this shit out. What are you doing, dude? Look, I'm not afraid of Jason. Look at me. -(laughs) Oh, my God. -I'm <BLEEP>ing Jason. -Yeah, dude! -Look at-- in his <BLEEP>ing mask hole! -Hey, come here, bitch! -In his mask hole! I'm gonna <BLEEP>ing raw-dog him in the mask hole! -Just <BLEEP> you, Jason! You <BLEEP>ing suck... Who are you two fags <BLEEP>ing? Just Jason Voorhees. Afternoon, Major. THE MAJOR: It's been 20 years, Dwayne. When are you finally gonna get up the courage to ask him out? (Dwayne scoffs) That's not funny. -We're business partners. -Oh, yeah? What kind of business are you in? Just... entre... entrepren... preneurials. (mumbling): Entreneurals. That's not a business. You can't even pronounce it. We're just trying to watch this movie. About 45 minutes left and 3-D titties coming up. You're coming at the worst possible time. Yeah, well, I bought that TV so I could watch my football. Well, then, maybe you should learn how to -share the common space better. -(chuckles) "Common." The only thing common in this house is you. Come on, Travis. Movie sucks anyway. You look good, Major. I paid for the damn cold cuts, too. Maybe if you had a job or a <BLEEP>ing prospect or a clue how to get any of the above, I'd let you eat them. You're a cold son of a bitch, Dad. That's what it takes, boy. In the Corps, <BLEEP> like you wore dresses to keep us entertained. That's really <BLEEP>ing disturbing. DWAYNE: Goddamn it. Ah, shit! Talk to me about <BLEEP>ing cold cuts. That son of a bitch. Ah, you got to be kidding me. He bought another new truck? That's some high-end decal work, Dwayne. <BLEEP> the Major. Yeah, <BLEEP> him, dude. (soft rock music playing over speakers) (balloon pops) Sorry. Very funny, but you're late. No, no, I'm 45 minutes late, which is like ten minutes early for me. Where the hell were you? Vito's is, like, two blocks away. Yeah, I got held up trying to pick out the perfect shirt and hat combo for you. -What do you think? -I like it. -It's very minimum wage. -Thanks. I can't wait to quit and take this shit off. Say what you want to say about your boss, but the man knows how to make a good pizza. I hate that guy. He can suck a dick. Mmm, did you see Tom Small's Facebook update? No. You know I don't check that shit. I'm off the grid. -He came out. -What? Even posted a picture of him and his Latin boyfriend. Tom Small is gay? That kid used to beat the hell out of me and Chet in grammar school. Wow. Tell me about it. He OTPF'd me at junior high formal. What the hell is that? "Over the pants fingered." That's disgusting. So... I've got news. Even bigger news than the Tom Small? 'Cause I don't know if I could take much more news. This little corporation called the Four Seasons decided to finally get their shit together and accept me to their management training program. Really? Whoa! Well, congratulations. That's amazing. -Thank you. -Just can't believe they're opening a Four Seasons in town. We don't even have a Radisson. Yeah, exactly. Which is why I'm moving to Atlanta. I'm gonna be working in their special events department. In Atlanta? You know, I know a little bit about it from rap music, and, uh, it sounds like a <BLEEP>ed-up place. Come on. This is everything I've been working toward. Did you tell your brother? Yeah. Chet was really happy for me. Thought you'd be happy for me, too. I am. I'm totally happy for you. In fact, I will make you a crunk CD or something. You could show off to your new hustler friends in Atlanta. ("Ignition Remix" by R. Kelly playing faintly inside) He treats me like a bitch. That's no way to treat a son. He thinks he knows me. He doesn't <BLEEP>ing know me. I have more ideas than he can ever dream of. I have plans bigger than his whole <BLEEP>ing house. Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. Maybe just be quiet for a while. Forget about your old dad. Let me do my thing. Wish I could forget about that asshole. As is, I'm pretty much just waiting for him to drop dead. Just don't want to mess up my inheritance. Really? What kind of inheritance? Well, when the old man left the service, started buying lotto tickets. Next thing you know, in '98, the dude hits it for $10 million. Hmm. And ever since then, he's been burning through it like an NBA draft pick. Buying Winnebagos and flat-screen TVs. Just all this senseless spending. Maybe I could help you get that money now. Oh, yeah? Before he spends another penny. And how would you do that? I know a guy in Detroit. He could help you. Probably do it for... hundred G's. Do what? Kill your mean old dad. BRUCE WILLIS (over TV): Oh, this is very bad for you. Hey, watch out. (clicks tongue) Maybe you should pace yourself there, buddy. It's noon on a Saturday. Ah, the fridge is full, man. We're all good. Oh, pretty crazy about Tom Small, huh? Yeah, well, -I never liked him. -Your sister did. You know she let him finger-blast her? Big-time. -(turns off TV) -What the <BLEEP> are you talking about, man?! -I don't want that shit in my head! -Sorry. Yeah, your sister told me about it last night. I thought you should know. What, are you guys swapping stories about getting fingered? No. It's just, your sister makes some questionable decisions. You know, like, uh... like moving to Atlanta. What's wrong with that? She's gonna manage a hotel. I'll get free rooms. You can go over there and crash whenever you're out on the streets. We all win. Yeah, except her, once she gets involved with some Atlanta douche bag that's totally wrong for her. You know, some... some doctor who drives a white BMW and listens to Phish. -It's <BLEEP>ing lame. -All right, whatever. -(turns on TV) -Why are we talking about who my sister goes out with? I don't know. WILLIS (over TV): Was always kind of partial to Roy Rogers, actually. (turns off TV) You want to <BLEEP> my sister, don't you?! -Chet, I really don't want to talk about this, okay? -(groans) My twin sister?! -Which is basically like <BLEEP>ing me? -Oh, hardly. Your sister is attractive, and she excites me, yes, in a sexual way. -Can we please just be adults about this? -You? An adult? You had a Lunchables for dinner last night. You're a <BLEEP>ing man-child. Hey, let's not say shit we can't take back, okay? How about this? Do you want to know who I saw naked? -Who? -Miss Jenny Rifkin. When I was nailing her the week after she dumped you. Intercourse style. That's right. My brown hands all over her nice white titties. Wow. You pulled a Judas on Jenny <BLEEP>ing Rifkin. That is messed up, Chet. Almost as messed up as how I sold your Willie Mays-signed ball for 200 bucks. (whistles) Hey! My grandpa left me that ball in his will! You helped me look for it for a month! Now you know why we never found it. Are we done here? -Not quite yet. -Okay. I was the one who told John Tanner about how your mom <BLEEP>ed that lifeguard. And I always felt awful about it, 'cause even though he swore secrecy, he wound up telling everyone else in town, then your parents got divorced. But now I don't give a shit! Well, then... then, you ruined my whole <BLEEP>ing life! Not much of a life to ruin, but yeah, I guess I did! Okay, Chet. You're right. I do want to have sex with your sister. Again. Because the first time was so awesome. Bullshit. That never happened. Graduation night. No. You <BLEEP>ed Tina Scotto. No, I just told you I did. Same story, different girl. What?! You deflowered my sister, and I know all the <BLEEP>ing details?! (both scream) -<BLEEP>! -No, get the <BLEEP> off of me! -Stop hitting my knee! -You're twins. Did you feel it when I was <BLEEP>ing her? (screaming, grunting) -Mother<BLEEP>er! -(screaming) -Ow! Aah! Aah! You <BLEEP>ing asshole. Krav Maga! Israeli self-defence technique. Chet, I can't breathe. Go to sleep! Go to sleep! (gasping) Go to sleep! (screams) You're a huge loser. -(coughs) <BLEEP> you. -You're not good enough for my sister, okay? You're a pizza boy. You know, I actually feel sorry for you. <BLEEP>ing dick. 'Cause you'll never understand this shit. It's way more complicated than your <BLEEP>ing online dating. You're a shit friend! All those years of asking me for stuff, favours. You know what, that beat-down is the last favour you'll ever get. Good. It's the last one I'll ever need. Yeah, I'll give you a call when I need some <BLEEP>ing mozzarella sticks! TRAVIS: This pool is so dirty, dude. Where do all these leaves come from? Where the hell do you think, dude? From <BLEEP>ing trees. That's what she said. No, "that's what she said" jokes don't work with that. It has to be something in a sexual reference. Like, you know, "These leaves are hard." "That's what she said." Oh. (sighs) I hate this pool. -Dwayne? -What? Look, I don't want to get in the middle of a family matter or anything, but, uh... uh, killing the Major seems kind of messed up. Right, or no? No, it's not messed up, dude; it's barely even murder. I mean, it's... really just kind of shaving a few years off an old man's shitty existence. THE MAJOR: Hey, dipshit! My pool ain't ready in an hour, you don't get paid. Maybe you ought to have woke your lazy ass up before noon. I woke up at 11:15, Major-- that's a fact. (spits) You look good. Nice to see you, too, Dad. Love you so much. Bye, Major. <BLEEP> that dick. You know why I sleep late, Travis? It's not because I'm lazy. It's on account of me having so many goddamn dreams. Big ones. Prepare yourself. What is the one thing that this town is missing? I'll give you a hint. It's a cash business, and it's crawling with sexy bitches. Chinese food restaurant? No. Abortion clinic? Oh, yuck. No. A tanning salon. You know, think of all the green, all the brown flesh... -Right, right. -And... it's the perfect front for a prostitution ring. -Whoa. -Mm-hmm. -Guess what. -What? I'm willing to cut you in on it. Yep, make you a partner in business, if-- and only if-- you'll be my partner in crime. You're gonna be <BLEEP>ing rich and famous, helping dudes to come and get tans. You won't be a <BLEEP>ing <BLEEP> and clean this asshole's pool for ten bucks an hour. Yeah, all right, I'll do it. But I'm not gonna shoot the Major or anything, all right? I'll hold him while you shoot him, but that's it, dude. No, listen, I'm not shooting anybody, all right? You want to be a millionaire, Travis, you got to start thinking like one, okay? Do you think millionaires murder people? No, no, they don't. They hire highly-trained assassins to do it for them. Right. -Which I have done. -What?! But, Dwayne, where are we gonna get $100,000 to pay this deadly assassin? See, now we're getting down to the heart of the matter-- how do we get the hundred G's. 'Cause once we have the hundred G's, then we basically have the million. Once we have the million, well, then we own everything and everyone in this whole <BLEEP>ing town. (chuckling): Yeah. All right, maybe we, uh... rob a bank. Isn't that what people do? Just go down to the local branch, shoot some old dipshit security guard and be like... Not really thinking like a millionaire. -Uh-uh. -Oh. All right, then, we... maybe we, uh... hire somebody to rob a bank. Dude, <BLEEP> hiring them. Let's force some dumb <BLEEP> to rob a bank for us. (chuckling) 1 So I film myself banging this dude's wife. Okay? I talk her into doing some degrading shit. Then I get the neighbourhood kids over, they all whack off on her face, and then we use the tape to blackmail her husband into robbing the bank. That's a great idea, Dwayne-- really good. I just think it... might be a little hard to find a... a wife that slutty and gross by Tuesday. Yeah, I guess seduction does take some time. So what do we do? We use political pressure, death threats? Or a bomb. Everyone's afraid of a bomb, Dwayne. I was going to say hypnotism, but I like a bomb. Yeah, I mean, that's definitely thinking outside the box. -Right? -What would you do? You would just, like, stick it to 'em like we do the watermelons? Yeah, just strap it on, man. You can do that? Yeah, camel jockeys do it in caves. I got a fucking dope-ass garage workshop in America. This is true, and what I like about this idea is this is kind of how a fucking millionaire would do it. We don't have to lose any sleep over it, nobody gets hurt. Except the Major. The trick is going to be: where do we get our dude? 'Cause if we're gonna commit to a kidnapping, I mean, that's just as risky as a murder. -That's a good point. -We have to figure out a way to bring the dude to us, lure him into a situation that we have total control over. We also got to make sure this dude is not connected to us in any way. MAN (over TV): And remember, we'll deliver anywhere in 30 minutes or less, or your pizza is free. Vito's Pizza, where the customer gets what they want... -DWAYNE: Hmm... -...pronto! (Dwayne chuckles) Sometimes fate pulls out its big old cock and slaps you right in the face. Yeah. -(bell dings) -MAN: Pepperoni's up. Give me the bag. Not that bag; the other bag. Hey, I don't mean to interrupt your curing of cancer here, but, uh, it's time to get back on the street. I'm-I'm off in ten minutes. Where... where the hell is this? Oh, here, let me check my "fuck you" map. Uh, yeah, it's in, uh, 30 Minutes Or Less Land, or else the pizza comes out of your paycheck. Ticktock. # I give you options, baby, flip a coin # You get McDonald's, forget the sirloin # Hating my mackin', they askin' # Is there any love # In this world? - # Is there any love -(beeping) # In this world? # Is there any love # In this world, world, world? # Is there any love # In this world? # I was born to do the damn thing # Story of Cudi ... getting out my dreams # Zero options to choose # Living in a box full of Cuyahoga boobs, and listen # I stayed away from reading the Plain Dealer # Most of my ... back in Cleveland were plain dealers # Oh, who whipped Supreme... # (music stops) Hello? DWAYNE: Hey, over here, buddy. City's got us working till the ass end of the night. Yep, I hear that. Hey, listen, I know I'm probably like ten, 15 minutes late, but, uh... whoa. That's, uh... that's a great mask. That's very funny. So listen, about the whole 30 minutes thing, are we... are we cool? 'Cause, uh... Hey... (sighs) -(hooting) -Ah, another one. The missing link. That's, uh... that's really nice. I wish I could get stoned, too. So which one of you gorillas handles the cash? 'Cause, uh... -Get him! -Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yo, dude, just take the pizza, man. -Stop! Escape is impossible! -Ow! (groaning) Fuck! What the hell?! Rape! Rape! (muffled shouting) (shouting stops) Step one. (distorted): You thought we were gonna rape you. -(Travis laughs) -What an idiot. DWAYNE: All right, let's see here. Mr. Nick Davis of 110 North Whatever the Fuck Street, right now you are wearing a highly-explosive bomb vest. (muffled shouting) Shh, shh. Calm down. Calm down. I'm carrying a piece. Hey, man, take it easy, all right? I built the bomb, so it's pretty stable. For a fucking bomb. (chuckles) Don't do anything stupid, like trip over your shoelaces or anything. That vest is packed with C4. The "C" is for "chaos." It's actually for "composite," but yeah, like, don't bump into shit. (imitates explosion) -(muffled shouting) -Hey, whoa! -Sit down. -Sit down! -Show him your kicks. Show him your kicks. Yeah, check that shit! You want... you want to pop off? Look at this! Fucking stay there. You'll get that right across your goddamn face. Settle. So what do you think, pizza boy? -Can we take the tape off? -(muffled shouting) (mocking grunts) I'm trusting you now. Help! Help! Help me! -Help! -Someone help him. He's fucking serious! -Help him! -Help me! DWAYNE: Help! Someone help him! Where the fuck do you think you are? We might as well be in outer space, man. Nobody can fucking hear you scream. They would hear you more in space, actually. No, that's the thing-- you can't hear anyone in space. That's... it's from Aliens. -Why are you doing this to me? -Why does anybody do something fucked-up to someone else? For money, dude. Ch-ch-ch-ching! I will sell my car, man. I'll get you, like... I'll get you, like, a thousand bucks. For that Mustang? -You mean $100? -No, no. I'll get you 1,000 bucks; I swear to God. Please? We're going to need 100 grand. (whistles) Where the fuck am I supposed to get that much money? I don't know. Maybe the Donner-Wells National Bank on Charles Road? By the Olive Garden. How am I supposed to rob a bank? DWAYNE: It's not my problem, dude; it's yours. Get creative. Maybe use the scary bomb strapped to your chest. Maybe do it the old-fashioned way-- get a gun, a band of outlaws. Doesn't matter to me. It's not rocket science. Fine, then do it yourself. Well, I would do it, but... looks like I'm wearing the gorilla mask and you're already wearing that bomb. Go ahead and tell him about the bomb vest. Look, you seem like a pretty smart guy. But just in case you were gonna panic and try to be a hero and be, "I'm gonna take this fucking vest off, fuck these guys, they're assholes," don't do that, okay? -'Cause we booby-trapped it to shit! -Okay. Okay? So there's also a little remote detonator on the back we can trigger at any time by dialing a number. (imitates keypad beeping) We got your shit on speed dial. We're watching you, all right? So do what you got to do, but know that if you go near a police station Fourth of July's coming a little early this year. No, no, no. Don't... don't do that. It's 9:00 a.m. You got ten hours. (beeping) As soon as you get the money, call this number here. You call it, we'll give you explicit directions on where to make the drop-off. You do good, we give you a six-digit combination that will stop the timer and open the lock. But if you don't do good, allow me to make a little demonstration for you. Pay attention to the, uh, cuddly bear there on the barrel. Ring, ring, ring. Oh, look, the bear's calling. What a coincidence. Hello, bear. How's it going? Yeah? You're just hanging out, getting fucked-up? That's cool. Wait, what do you mean, you couldn't rob the bank? It was too hard? What? So you went back to your bear cave and hid like a little, crying bitch? Oh, that's a shame, my stuffed buddy, -because time is up. -(clicks) (Nick gasps) I like that bear. -I don't even fucking know you. -Okay. -Well, get to it, man. -Okay. Show-and-tell is over. -All right? And you're free. -Let's move. Time is literally ticking right now. Here are your keys to your great car. DWAYNE: Go on, now. Get after her. -Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we... can we just... can we just maybe talk about this? -Yeah, of course we can talk. -Whoa! Whoa! -(gunshots) -Whoa! -Come on, man, get fucking moving. -(gunshot) -Oh, be careful. You're wasting time. Go! Fucking move! We'll be watching you! Konnichiwa! Adios, dumb motherfucker! Good-bye! Have fun! (chuckles) What the fuck, Dwayne? You told me that was a replica gun. Yeah, it was. Then I paid a Mexican 50 bucks to put a firing pin in it. Now it goes "boom." Dude, we can't have a loaded gun around that bomb. Don't you ever question me. I'm the one fucking this bitch. You're just holding the camera. I know, man. I... I'm just saying you should have told me. This isn't like the Marines. If you hesitate, if you fuck around, I will leave you behind. Come on. We got some surveillance to do. And possibly breakfast. CHET: And this whole region here-- about 830,000 square miles-- was part of the original Louisiana Purchase. (coughing): Nice laser. Yeah, it's a nice laser, Rodney. You know what's not nice? Texting in my class. (mocking): "Hey, Steve. "What time you watching the UFC fight, bro? By the way, you think Lisa would go out with me?" -Whoa! Lisa over there? -(students laughing) No way. She's laughing in your face. Don't text in my class anymore, okay? Everyone, take out your workbooks. -What do you want? -We got to talk. I'm at work. Don't mess with me at... Chet, please, for the love of God, please talk to me in private for one minute. I'll be right back. Just... do stuff. (door closes) Well, well, well. Look who wants to apologize. Well, you know what? It's gonna take a lot more than some pathetic groveling... Chet, shut up, okay? I don't want to apologize to you. Then, what do you want? 'Cause we have nothing left to say to each other. Last night, two guys in masks jumped me and strapped a bomb to my chest, and now I have less than nine hours to rob a bank. You're hysterical. Great joke. I'm going to go back to my class. -(beeping) -All right, what is this? No, don't-don't-don't... don't touch it. -What the fuck? Is that thing real? -I am not fucking around here. Two guys did this to me, and if I don't rob that bank in time, this thing is gonna blow. -Seriously? -Seriously. And your first thought was to come to a school filled with young children? Well, I guess I didn't really think about it. -Just back away. -Okay. Okay, okay. Back away, back away, back away, back away, back away. I mean, I think the vest is probably safe for now. I mean, these guys don't want me to blow up on accident before I get them their money, right? Oh, yeah. So you figure the two psychopaths that put a bomb on your chest made sure it was safe. There's no margin for error in their fucking bomb vest design?! I don't know. I don't know. All I do know is that this is real, okay? This is real. This is happening. -But I have nowhere else to go. -Why? I need your help, okay? I can't do this alone. Damn it! I want to tell you to get fucked. -I know. -But I can't. 'Cause I'm a better man than you. And if I let you go and you explode or whatever, that shit'll come back and eat at my conscience... and affect my relationships with other people. Like my future wife and kids... and shit. We having a picnic or something one day, and I would just be, like, "Ah, damn it, I shouldn't have let Nick explode that time." That's a very rational way to look at the situation. And you're right about being a better man than me. Well... could you just walk a few feet in front of me? Yeah, I can do that. Thank you. # No hay manera de que puedas parar esto # Como un corrido Akwid ha regresado con un nuevo sonido # Empezar a hacer feria en manera de un rey # Un juego muy avanzado para un wey # Vivo mi vida y diario la reposo... # Ah, what's up, baby? Chango, I missed you. Ah, right on. Did you miss me? -Of course I missed you. -Don't lie to me. Guys in there get Juicy, but you get Jacqueline. Ah, cool, Jacqueline. Well, here's what I want. First, I want my money. Then I want to kill that old motherfucker. Then I want to get the fuck out of here, all right? Well, that's how it's going to go. We're just waiting for the call. Man, see, look. This is what I'm doing right here. See my... my impatient face? See my impatient face right here? Well... I think I can keep you entertained. Come on, baby. Ah, that's nice. . Damp homes are harder to heat, so air it out by opening windows and doors regularly to let fresh air circulate, use externally vented fans and dry clothes outside when you can. Check out the three essentials for a healthy home on our website. Okay, what if we saw off both your arms, slip the vest over your head, then go to the hospital? They'll reattach your arms. We'll just keep your arms on ice the whole time. NICK'S VOICE SHAKES: Fuck that. Well, I don't know what to do, man. All these sites say different shit. There's not a lot of consensus in the bomb-disarming community. What did they do in The Hurt Locker? I don't know. I-I didn't see it. Yeah, me, neither. I Netflixed it, like, six months ago. It's just been sitting on my coffee table. So dumb-- I pay, like, $12.99 a month to just keep the same three movies at my house and never watch 'em. -Shut up! Please just keep looking online, okay? (sighs) All right, you can't expect me to become a bomb disarming expert after looking online for five minutes. -Shit, it's too tight. -I'm telling you, man, the last thing I looked up online was how to make a quiche, and I fucked it up big-time. Will you please take this seriously, okay? This is scaring the shit out of me. These guys said they'd be following me, and I have no idea what they look like. -They could be anywhere. -Call the cops. No, we can't. They see the cops show up, they blow the vest and cut their losses. What do I do, Chet? -What do I do? -I don't know, man. I guess you got to just rob the bank. (panting): Fuck. Fuck. It's going to be okay. No, it's not going to be okay! I'm gonna fucking blow up! -Come on! -Ow! -Oh, ow! -Get yourself together! -Fuck, Chet. -You know exactly how to rob a bank. What are you talking about? Point Break-- that movie's a how-to guide for bank robberies. You just bust in-- masks, guns, move fast, stick to the tellers, and don't bother with the vault. Yeah, you're right-- I guess it is pretty simple. And it's just a local bank, too. It's the Donner-Wells on Charles Road. The one by the Olive Garden? That's my bank. Small, standard security. Totally manageable for one dude. One dude-- you mean you're not going to do it with me? No, but I'm happy to give tips, advice, motivational speeches... Oh, Chet, please-- Jesus Christ, I need you on this, okay? Okay, I can't do this alone. If I do it alone, I'm dead. Please. (sighs heavily) Okay, just tell me this: how many times did you sleep with my sister? Just once, I swear to God, graduation night. Okay. I'll help you on one condition: you never mention my sister again, and you never speak to my sister again. Okay. Okay. Yes. We can do this. CHET: I don't think we should use panty hose. -You would be able to see our faces through it. -Yeah. -Whoa. Ski masks. Perfect. -Perfect. All right, fuck the knee-highs. -Okay, here we are. -Okay, guns, guns... We get the, uh, handguns or the Uzis-- what do you think? These look pretty real. -Get down on the gr... -Yo, shh! Get down on the ground and give me the money in the bank. Oh, wait, how am I supposed to get you the money if I'm on the ground? Go get the money in the bank, and then get down -on the ground afterwards. -All right, I'll be right back. # I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend # You could cut ties with all the lies that you... Dude, you totally fucked up this mix tape. We're not a bunch of frat guys trying to finger-bang girls to Matchbox 20, all right? We're trying to mastermind a heist here. Should be, like, some industrial shit, some fucking German techno. Sorry, Dwayne. That song means a lot to me. Well, it doesn't mean a lot to me. It means a fucking headache to me. I just want this guy to fucking hurry up. Are you worried about the other guy-- the little fucking mini-genie? No, man, he picked him up from a school. As long as he's not a cop, I don't give a shit. He can bring the whole fucking faculty for all I care, as long as he gets my money. Oh, check that. Are you looking at Subway? You want me to run over and get sandwiches? I'm hungry as shit, dude. Look. It'd be the perfect place for the tanning salon. -You're so right. -Yeah. You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I want you to start out at the front counter. I know it sounds like a demotion, but it's not, all right? It's a very important job. We're going to be using a lot of code words and shit. For what? Well, say, a gentleman walks in and says, "Hello. Good afternoon. I'd like a tan." Well, that just means that he wants a tan. -Okay. -But if a guy comes in and is like, "Yo, I want a deluxe tan," then that means he wants a tan and a blow job. -(snickers) -Which means you have to go to the back, -grab one of the girls... -And blow him?! No, you have to find a girl who's going to suck him off. Oh, okay. WOMAN: Guns. Masks. You sure you all don't want to grab some condoms? No. Why? Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone. Oh... we're not rapists. Us two small fries? No way. This gonna be cash or credit for your rape kit? Hey... is a slider station in a rape kit? 'Cause we're getting one of those, too. All right. We'll pay cash. Not into rape, just into sliders. If it's anal, is it a hard anal tan? No, no-- the "anal" will tip it off too much. Oh, right. What if a black guy comes in-- would he get a Tanny Glover? No, we're not going to profile racially our clients. We don't say anything if it's a black guy who comes in. If a dude comes in and wants a black chick, then, yeah, that would be a Tanny Glover. We'll have codes for that, dude. We have codes for missionary, for anal, for black chicks-- I have a whole glossary of terms in my files back at home, but I'm not going to go into that right now because you, my friend, are supposed to be on lookout, and I know how terrible you are with multitasking. Oh, they're getting away, dude. He's getting away. Oh, shit. -Hurry up. -(engine starts) -Go, go, go. -Enough, Travis. I'm sick of this fucking Family Dollar bullshit. It's time to get our heads in the game. CHET (voice-over): # Painting the guns, painting the guns, painting the guns # For the bank robbery # 'Cause if we go in with our plastic guns # Then the cops will shoot us in our face # If we go in with our plastic guns` Yo, could you please be more careful? You're getting paint all over the car. Really, you're worried about getting paint in this car? -Yeah. -Your car is a total piece of shit. -Yo, please. -No, your car is garbage. It's like you bought a Mustang, and then the Mustang got AIDS, -and you're worried about paint in it. -Yeah. -All right, fine. -And don't turn that over. -It's still wet. -What? It's fast-drying. Fast isn't the same as instant, okay? -You got to let it sit for, like, 20 minutes. -All right, we don't have time to sit around and literally watch paint dry, okay? Aren't we headed straight to the bank? All right, I was actually thinking we got to stop and steal a car first. What?! Why? -We have a car. -Yeah, we have my car, okay? I can't use this as a getaway vehicle. They'll trace the plates. Even if we do get away, we'll be promptly arrested. Well, how are we gonna steal a car? I don't know how to hot-wire a vehicle. Do you know how to hot-wire a vehicle? Uh-uh. That's why I was thinking we got to stop and steal the one from your parents' friends, the Fishers. Remember they used to pay us to clean their garage? They leave the keys in there, and they got a Datsun-- that's a fast car. I'm not stealing the Fishers' Datsun, okay? Let's steal one of your parents' friends' cars. Okay. (tires screech) What friends? What friends? My... my parents don't have any. My dad moved away when your big mouth humiliated him and ruined his marriage, and no one wants to hang out with the mom who everyone knew fucked a lifeguard. You never should have told me. I was 13 years old. I couldn't process information like that. I thought it was cool your mom fucked a lifeguard. (sighs) Fuck. I'm sorry. Okay. I accept your apology. That's it? You're not gonna apologize for sleeping with my sister? You told me not to mention it. (scoffs) Great. -(horn honking) -(Nick and Chet scream) Fuck! Aah! (Nick gasps, Chet groans) I just want this goddamn day to be over. -It's locked. -Fuck. CHET: Okay. All right. Crawl through the window. -You climb through the window. -No, I'm holding the bag. I'm holding the bomb. Climb through the window. Yeah, yeah, just knock that shit down. These are my work pants. -I don't want to ruin them. -Okay. (grunts quietly) (yells) -You all right? -Yeah, I'm great. Okay. (knocking) -Who is it? -Shut up. Okay. The keys aren't here. They always used to leave the keys out. Yeah, when we were teenagers. Okay. All right. Let's just find them. Go. (door closes) Wait. Did you hear that? No. What? NICK: Shit. Mr. Fisher's coming. -What? -Uh... put it on. -What are you doing? -I'm doing what I have to. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Yes. Okay. Shut the door. -Shit, shit, shit, shit. -Good. Okay, now, uh... (clears throat) Where are the car keys? -They're in my pocket. -Quiet down and give them to me-- -underhand. -All right, I'm just getting 'em out of my pocket. -Get 'em. Okay, toss 'em to me. -Okay, here. Good. Okay. Now, listen, uh, we're obviously stealing the car, and I don't want you to report it stolen until later tonight. Let's say, uh... 5:00-- or 6:00 to be safe. -6:15! -Yeah, right-- 6:15. Don't even bother calling the cops! We own the cops. Good. Okay. And if you mess with us, I swear to God I will... I will shoot your son. -Dylan Fisher! -Yes, Dylan Fisher! And I know where he works, too. He works at the travel agency. -He's the douche bag with the bangs. -That's right. Look, please, don't do that. I-I won't say a thing, I promise. -Just... just leave Dylan alone. -Okay, good. But if you call the cops, there's going to be an undertaker styling his stupid fucking bangs! 'Cause he'll be dead. That's right, because he'll be dead! Now, open the fucking garage door! Do you have any snacks, like granola bars or yogurts? -Not now. Not now. -I'm hungry. Okay, remember our deal-- 6:15 and not a minute earlier. Yeah. -Move over. -Please just go. I'm driving. (engine starts) Thanks. Have a great afternoon. (tires screeching) (horn honks) -Aha. -Oh, man. I'm totally implicated! What if he saw my brown hands? There's only, like, four Indian families that live in Grand Rapids. I don't know-- the guy is not Matlock, all right? He's Fisher; he's a fucking CPA. -I think you'll be okay. -Awesome. I'm stuck inside an even smaller car with you and a bomb. -Next time, why don't we steal a Smart Car? -(engine revs) Whoa! Whoa, this thing's got some pickup. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you just ran a stop sign. -(horn honks) Just take it easy, all right? We got plenty of time. No, I know, I know... I know, but there's actually, uh... there's something I want to do first. Oh, get something to eat. Thank you. -Let's go to Mr. Burger. -Uh-uh. Um, actually, I want to go tell my boss to fuck off. -What? -Mm-hmm. -Are you joking? -Uh-uh. You want to run a personal errand on our way to a bank robbery?! -You wanted to go get lunch. -Yeah, because I'm hungry. I thought it'd be nice to have one last burger -before I'm incarcerated. -Chet, this is not a personal errand, all right? This is very important to me. Oh, okay. And so this is your big moment, huh? Putting in your two weeks notice at a pizza place? Yeah, man. Yeah, that's pretty much it. (sighs) Whatever. Now you're just making me depressed. Let's go. -I need to take a piss there, though. -All right. CHET: What are you doing? It's gross back here. Park out front. You said you had to take a piss. Well, welcome to our employee restroom. Fine. Hurry up, please. It smells like dead animals and pizza out here. Okay. Yeah, man, like, we're fucking taking care of business. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Ah, shit. Where the fuck is this guy going to? What, is there some sort of secret FBI headquarters or some shit around here? You know what? Maybe I'll just call this bomb. What? What? No, no, no, dude. No. Let me go after him and take a look. -Jesus. -(mocking): Jesus. What the hell, dude, you fucking gay for this guy or something? What? Yeah. Well, if wanting a lot of money is gay, then yeah, I'm Elton John. Well, then, hurry the fuck up. Go do some reconnaissance. Report back or I will... blow this motherfucker up. Hey, Kate, I'm right outside your building. -No, no, I'm-I'm here right now. -Why are you acting so strange? Because strange shit is going on. I'll explain everything. Just meet me where I texted you. Nick, I was just about to go out. What's going on? Please, it's important. (panting) -Nick! -Yeah. What's going on? Are you okay? Wait. Wait, just... just stay over there, okay? Please. All right, listen, something happened to me last night. I was out on this run, and, uh... well, I started thinking, what if this is the last shitty pizza I ever deliver? I'd say it's probably a good thing. -(Nick laughs) -Nick, I'm super busy right now. This is not the best time. Okay, no, right now is kind of all I have. -Come by later and we'll talk, okay? -No, there isn't time. Okay, can I tell you the single worst mistake of my life? Okay. It was sleeping with you. -Thanks. -No, no, you don't understand. That-that's when I knew for sure that I was in love with you. What I didn't know was how the fuck to deal with it, so... so I screwed it all up. That was, like, eight years ago. I know, but I just want you to know that if today... was the final day of my brief and, uh... and shitty existence, and I could only see one more person... it would be you. -Nick... -I got to go. Wait, wait, wait. You can't just say all this -and walk away. -Unfortunately, I have to. Also, I told Chet we had sex. What the fuck? No, I don't know. I think it's his girlfriend or something. They've been up there for a while. Bet you homeboy's trying to get one last blow job in case he don't make it. (chuckles) I like his style. Yeah. Hey, what's up, man? -I'm just fixing the banister. -All right, cool. Yeah, sorry, but yeah, we got the banister under control. DWAYNE (voice-over): Yo, Juicy, what's happening? This is King Dwayne. I, uh, been thinking about you a lot, and... I don't know. I just feel cool inside. I'm excited to get this money and me and you to kind of start our... our thing. Been thinking a lot about the polishing-the-sceptre deal. I know that that's not really for polishing the sceptre` that you're just talking about sucking my dick, but, uh, I just want you to know that it's going to be mutual. You won't just have to polish my sceptre. I will also lick your crown, which is a euphemism for, you know, eating your pussy. Okay, well, give me a call when you get a chance. Okay, good-bye. ("The Stroke" by Billy Squier playing) Oh, what, did my penis shrink to 12 inches? You're actually early for your shift. No, Chris, I quit. Fuck you! -Aah! -(clattering) Fuck you! (sighs) You were in there almost 20 minutes. Yeah, I had a lot of shit to air. Hey, you went to Mr. Burger? You get me one? I did, but you took so long, I ate it. Oh, come on. All right, well, give me one of those 5-hour Energy fuckers. Let's get to it. Drank those, too. Motherfucker. Let's go. Let's go rob the bank. And get this fucking bomb off. 1 CHET: I can't believe we're doing this. Okay, you go for the money, I'll cover the crowd. In and out. I'm not feeling great, man. I drank, like, three of those 5-hour Energy drinks, and it's just too much energy! I'm, like, cramping up from all the energy. -My arms are jittery and... -Yo, dude, settle down. You ready for this? -Yes. -Let's do it. -Come on. -Wait. -What? -What do I call you in there if I need to tell you something? Uh, I don't know. Call me Tivon. You be Darius. I can tell you're not a black guy through the mask, though. All right, right. You're still Darius. I'm Luis. What if we're both Hispanic? Like, we met in a gang in prison. I like that. I like that. Maybe we stabbed a prison guard and we escaped and now we're on the run. Yes! We're two loco motherfuckers, and that's how we got to be when we roll in there. Nothing is getting in our way. -Wait. -What? I still don't have a Hispanic name. Oh, yeah. You're Cruz. That's a great fucking name. Let's do this. Bank robbery, fools! Everybody, put your hands in the air! No, get down on the ground! Actually, listen to him and get on the fucking ground! Hey, hey, back away! All you guys, back away! Get around! Don't even think about it! Nobody press the button. If you do, I'll shoot one of these people in the face. Now, get over there and get on the ground now! Go, go, go, go! Okay, you just stand there and don't do shit! On the ground! Key Lime, look down! Don't make any sudden moves, okay? Moustache, stop looking at my face! We just killed a prison guard, and we're not afraid to kill again! Yeah, we stabbed him in the eye with a spoon! Now, very slowly, get down and take your gun out and toss it. Come on, quicker! All right. -No! -What the fuck? Oh! Oh, I don't want this gun! -Did you do that on purpose? -No, it was an accident. Are you guys working together? What's going on here? Please take this gun away! Just toss it, lady. (gasps) (gunshot) (people screaming) Oh! Fuck! Oh! Oh! I think she hit the femoral artery! (crying) I'm so sorry! It was an accident! Fuck you! Who slides a gun like that? Dude, this guy just got shot in the leg, he's bleeding everywhere, he's gonna die, -and then we're gonna go to prison! -No, no, no. Luis and Cruz are never going back to prison! Why isn't anybody getting me help?! Sir, let me see where you're hit. Ah, it's just a flesh wound, man. You're gonna be okay. Cruz, how we doing on that money? Cruz! Oh, uh, sorry, Luis. Um... Don't make a sound! Uh, you, what's your name? -Sandra. -All right, Sandra, you just get us a bag with $100,000, we'll grab it and get the fuck out of here, no one will get hurt! Can I trust you? All right, let's go, let's go. -Let's get us the money. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, Cruz! You're breaking your own rules. Whoa, whoa! Not the vault! Not the vault! -Stick to the tellers. -Right. I don't have that much money at the counter. I have to go in the vault. Fuck it. Go to the vault. Let's go! Go, go, go! Hurry, hurry, hurry! MAN: My leg really hurts! Hey, Sandra, this guy's leg really hurts! CHET: Quickly, Sandra. Dude's been fucking shot! Hurry, Sandra, please! Come on, Sandra. Time is money here. Will somebody get me help? Somebody! Sir, you want to get shot in the other knee? Didn't think so. Keep it down. Okay. -Okay. -I got it, I got it, I got it. Good. Thank you, Sandra. I'm sorry, everybody. I know we probably fucked up your day. Thinking of you in particular, sir. Actually, you know what? Here. Peel a few bills off-- on me. Anybody rats this guy to the cops, I'm coming after you. I remember faces. -Right, Cruz? -He remembers faces. There you go, sir. (loud pop, people gasp) Whoa! (screaming) Sandra, what the fuck was that?! What happened to our trust?! I'm sorry. They make us do it. Okay, Sandra, we need you here. We all do. So would you kindly please fill another bag? And not a bank bag this time. A... a garbage bag. And, Cruz, will you watch? Let's go, Sandra. Come on. And none of your antics this time. Go, go. Fill it up. I'm watching you. We're not friends no more. Give me the bag! Quickly! Thanks, Sandra. -Okay. -Let's go, let's go. -(alarm ringing) -Whoa! Which one of you assholes tripped the alarm? -Sandra, don't tell me you did that, too! -No! It was Mark! He pushed the button when you guys came in! Sandra, you bitch! -Now they're gonna kill both of us! -Fuck you! You're the manager! No, fuck both of you! I am a regular guy. And you fucked me. So thank you... for fucking... a regular guy! And his partner, Cruz! That's right. Donner-Wells, you just got robbed. (tires screech, siren whoops) Oh, God! Drop your weapons! -Yes, sir! -Fuck! Put your hands on your head! Now, slowly... get your ass on the ground! -Do it now! -Guess what. You just brought a gun to a bomb fight, Officer! Now, I pull these wires and we all go, so you got ten seconds to drop your weapon. One, two... Oh, fuck this! CHET: What... I can't believe that worked. -(sighs) -That was awesome. Ah, he was tempting a desperate motherfucker. (tires screeching) -Holy shit! -(sirens wailing) Homeboy's got the Federales in hot pursuit. There's police cars chasing us. We're in a fucking car chase! Well, we just robbed a bank. # Heat is on # On the street, inside your head... -You can't outrun these guys in a Datsun, man! -Yes, I can. Just let me concentrate, okay? I do this for a living. No, you don't! You get high and deliver pizzas! -That's nothing like this situation! -All right, hang on! (sirens wailing, horns honking) -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! -Okay. Tokyo Drift away from them or something! # To stay alive # 'Cause the heat is on... Fuck! One guy spun out and the other guy smashed into... Never mind! Keep going, keep going, keep going! # Oh, whoa-oh, oh, whoa-oh... -Hang on for real this time. -What are you doing? My move. I'm gonna bang a 180, blow by them in the opposite direction. No, no, no. Please don't bang! No need for a bang! Ready? Hang on. # Tell me, can you feel it? (tires screeching) -Okay! -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (horn honks) You idiot! We're facing the same direction! -That was a 360! -Yeah. I overshot it. Oh, go, go, go, go, go, go. # The heat is on, the heat is on... He's right behind us, man! (screams) The stoplight! Please stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! # It's on the street... Whoa, that guy got fucked-up! (both scream) (both gasping) -Are you okay? -Yeah. All right, we got to keep moving. Come on. (grunting) Ow, ow, ow, ow! All right, come on. Okay. Here, take the money, take the money. Okay, thanks. Thanks. Okay. -All right. Whoa. -Look at this. Look at what happened to the Datsun! -Yeah, come on. -Mr. Fisher is not going -to be pleased about this. -Hurry. -(sirens wailing) -Oh, the cops are coming. -Oh, shit. -Whoa, whoa. Come on. -Hold up! -Come on, it's a getaway! -We're trying to get away! -Okay, okay, I'm getting away. Whoa, whoa, Chet-Chet-Chet, hold up, hold up! You got a piece of the car stuck in you! -What? Where? Where? -Yeah, yeah, it's in your back. -Just... -(screaming) Get it out! Get it out! Please, please! All right, stay still. (screaming) -Sorry. -I'm gonna get tetanus now! -Was it rusty? -Whoa! Come on! Okay, what do we do now? What should we do now? Bus! Bus! Slow down, slow down! Hey, hey, hey! Please stop! Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. (panting) -(siren whoops) -REPORTER: Police department officials say unidentified suspects, one, possibly both, of Hispanic descent, entered the bank, taking a substantial amount of cash. Hey. You know what happened to the guys they were after? Sounds like they got away. That's terrible. I hope that they catch them. REPORTER: City officials have requested that citizens avoid the area. NICK: There is 100 grand in here. 100 fucking grand, man, which we stole from a bank! Whoo! I told a bunch of people I was gonna shoot them. I was like, "You fucking move and I will kill you where you stand." I threatened to blow up a cop. Wait, you never said, "I will kill you where you stand." Yeah, I know. But shit did get pretty crazy. -Yeah. -I held my gun sideways at one point. Yeah. Yep, you did. Man, there is no one I would have rather taken down a bank with. I mean that. Me, neither. And as for all that shit I said, and that shit I did, I just hope you can forgive me. I'm sorry I've been such a dick. I don't think there's anybody else who'd be friends with me. Come on. You're talking to a guy who slept with his best friend's ex-girlfriend, split up his parents' marriage, then sat on the sidelines and watched him go through a downward spiral. I mean, those are the actions of a shitty human being. I don't know who else would be best friends with me. Well, then, it's a good fucking thing that we know each other. -Come here. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. You still have -a bomb strapped to your chest. -Yeah, you're right. Let's take care of that, but you owe me a hug. -Sure. -Whoa. The 'Stang. I didn't think I'd see you again. (grunts) Whoo. It's all gravy from here. $100,000, done and done. (cell phone ringtone playing Slayer's "Raining Blood") Is this who I think it is? Can't you hear the ticking in the background? Oh, funny guy, huh? Well, can it. This shit ain't over yet. Save the fucking routine. There's an old railroad bridge out on Commerce past the highway. Be there in 20. I'll be there in ten. Well, then, you'll be standing there with your dick in one hand and my money in the other. No, you will. (stammers) Hello? Ah. He heard it. Fucking asshole. Juicy. Yeah, wrangle your boy. Money's on its way. DWAYNE (voice-over): Goddamn. How good does this shit feel, huh? -As good as shit, dude. -(laughs) Fucking victory tacos, dude. I'm not ashamed to admit it, Travis. I've had some dark times these last few years. There was depression, anorexia, addiction. Into all kinds of shit that I'm not going to even go into. Starting today, all that shit's in the past. I finally fucking done it, man. I finally pulled it off. Yeah, I mean, we did, dude. Together, you and me. We make a pretty good team. Do we? -Yeah, dude. -Yeah? All right, then. Would you do it? Would you push the button? Why would you want me to do that? It's just a question, Travis. I thought you said that nobody gets hurt, Dwayne. He hasn't even made the drop anyway. So... I wouldn't ask you to blow him up right now. That'd be stupid. Not while we're eating tacos. Whew. I got to take a shit, dude. Whoo! Hola, Marcela. Aren't you looking muy caliente today. Wait, did you tell the guy you're bringing a friend? No. What if he gets freaked out and decides to shoot me? You want to go? -Yes. -You got my blessing. # Ante up, yap that fool # You want big money, kidnap that fool # If you up in the club, back out your pis-tal money Catch them fools at the bar for that Cristal money # The '87 stickup kids, what you niggas saying? # Get the fuck up out that 740, shorty, I ain't playing # It's flash that thing... # You know what? Enough about your uncle touching you. I don't want to hear it anymore. He touched you. Get over it. Hey. Hey, what's up, bro? How you doing? Where are the other guys? It's just me, dawg. Just fine. You can call me Sugar Milk, bro. Sugar Milk. -Sugar Milk? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. eHey, do you got the money? Is that the money? Yeah. Yes. Oh, my God, it's so pretty. It's so pretty, bro. -Look at it. -Yeah. Oh, my God. What'd you do, rob a bank? Yeah. You did? Yeah. Oh, that's cool, man. I'm proud of you, bro. -Check you later. -Wait. Uh-uh, hey, man. Yo, where... where's the code? Uh, I don't know no code. What you talking about? Like, what code? Come on, man. Just give me the code, okay? Like Da Vinci Code, like code red, like the Contra code, like up-down up-down, select, select, A-B, A-B, left-right, left-right? -That one? -Okay. Yo, dude, come on! Stop messing with me. Just give me the fucking code, okay? No, I don't have no code, bro. Give me the fucking code for the bomb, okay? Who brings a fucking bomb to a drop, homey? I don't know! Your fucking boss put this on me! -I am my boss! -Good. Then, give me the code. Say "code" again, motherfucker, please. Say it one more time. One more time. Say it, say it, say it. -No, no, no. -I'll just shoot you in the face. -Okay. -I'll shoot you in the face so that you don't explode and mess up my shit. But say "code" one more time. Just... I just want to hear it. I want the money back. -Oh, you want this money right here? -Yes. This motherfucking money right here, -the one that you just gave to me, huh? -Yes! -Give me the money back. -Yeah, the only way you're gonna get it is if you kill to me, homey, which you ain't gonna do 'cause you're a pussy. Don't. Come on, man. You don't know what I've -been through for that money. -Do I fucking look sympathetic, homey? Now, step the fuck aside. -Now! Step the fuck... -Chango, watch out! (grunting) (screams) You want to fuck with me, little man? There's a lady on top of me! Get this lady off me! Get this lady off me! Aah! She's biting my ear! She's biting my ear! Get off my friend! -(screaming) -Ow! -Let's go, let's go, let's go! -Get in the car! -Chet! -You're a bad person! Chet! Chet, get in the car! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! (engine starts) She's getting up! She's getting up! She's getting up! Little bitches! Yo, what the fuck was that?! They tried to screw us, man! You were a liability! They were just gonna let you blow up! Not with the money, they won't. I'm gonna call that motherfucker! Yeah, that shit's looking good. Just don't make it too boxy, man. I'm not trying to look like Arsenio Hall when I go down to the morgue and fucking identify the body. Okay. (cell phone ringtone playing Slayer's "Raining Blood") (chuckles) -So did you drop the money? -No, I still got the money and we cracked your friend's face open! Why the fuck would you do that? (over phone): You lied! You said I'd get the code! Uh, he did not give you the code? -I gave him the code. -You didn't give him shit! I want the code right now or you'll never see this money. (over phone): Just settle down, big boy, all right? You're not exactly negotiating from a point of leverage here. I'm holding the money, okay? I blow up and it blows up, so who has the leverage now? Why don't you go ahead and press the button, okay? -Whoa, what are you doing?! -Press the fucking button, -asshole! Push it! -No, don't tell him -to push the button! -Shut up. -Yeah, push the button! -Man, you better watch what the fuck you're saying. I own you, all right? I tell you to rob a bank, you rob a fucking bank! If I tell you to give me the money, you give me the goddamn money and you hope that I give you mercy! I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm already dead, right? So fuck you! At least I'll die rich. I can't say the same for you. Get me out of the car! Pull over and let me get out of the car right now! I am getting out. That's what's happening. -Pull over the fucking car! -Chet! I'm out of the car! Chet, get back in the car! Why?! That was so stupid! That was a negotiation tactic, okay? He'll call back, and I won't answer. Then he'll call again, and I will answer, and he'll realize that the only way he gets the money -is if he gives me the code. -Okay. I'm sure that's exactly what he'll do! Oh, wait, no, it's not, 'cause he's a fucking psychotic! (line ringing) (sniffs) Now he's not gonna answer. He's gonna pretend like I don't exist. Does this guy not know who the fuck I am?! Goddamn it! Fucking shit! Dwayne... you... you never told me you weren't gonna give him the code. Well, we're not amateurs, Travis, all right? He's a fucking loose end, man! I mean, do you know what happens if you let a loose end go away? I could just be sitting in my fucking mansion, dude, and all of a sudden, the FBI, the CIA, fucking NASA, they'll all converge there! Because he's turned state evidence and he can fucking lock me away! You know what? Fuck that. Fuck it. I'll just kill the Major myself. I don't need a fucking hit man. -Don't do it, man. -I'm gonna fucking smoke him. I gave him chances, and he fucking blew it. He wants to be an asshole and he wants to be a fucking big man. -He's gonna fucking die now. -Dwayne, don't! Just, seriously, don't. Three, two... one. Boom. Just killed somebody. MAN (recorded): Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. To use our new speech-enabled system, press star-two. Travis, why the fuck was that Moviefone? What's the number for the bomb? It's in my head, man, all right? I switched it out when you were taking a shit at Taco Boy, all right? You're out of control, Dwayne. -I'm out of control? -Yeah. I'm in perfect fucking control! -No, you're not! -Benedict Arnold! -(clippers buzzing) -Stop it! -You fucking little bitch! -Don't! -You're a fucking traitor! -You're a traitor to me! -Ah, fuck! Stop it! Ow! Stop! (groans) Shit! You motherfucker! I make you my business partner, you pull this shit with me? I'm just tired of you pushing me around, Dwayne. What kind of partner does that? Fuck you! I'm gonna probably piss blood now. Yeah, that's what it said on the Internet. (cell phone ringtone playing Slayer's "Raining Blood") (sighs) Would you get the phone out of my pocket? I don't think I have the strength. Just put it on the table, on speakerphone. Glad to see you finally came to your senses, asshole. CHANGO: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, bro? (whispering): Who is that? Honestly, I have no idea. Who is this? All right, well, let me give you a little hint. Your bomb boy just jumped me, tossed my bitch like a fucking rag doll and split with the cash. Does that ring a bell? Uh, that's not my boy. That dude is a dick. I'm sorry for all the... the confusion that he might have caused us today. Confusion? The only motherfucker here who's confused is you, 'cause apparently you think you can fuck with my world and survive the day. No, no, I'm not trying to fuck up your world. I'm trying to fuck up his world. Man, you just got to understand, you're just, like, a pawn that I'm playing in a much larger game here. A pawn? Did you just fucking call me a pawn, homey? I'm not a chess piece. I'm like a fucking battleship! No, no, I-I didn't mean it that way. Look, I'm just juggling a whole lot of shit -right now, all right? -I don't give a fuck! I want my money right now. Okay. Well, I don't have the money right now, but if you give me a little bit of time, I think I can probably come up with it. You know what? The deal's off! You just became the hit. Congratulations, motherfucker. What'd he say? Are we good? He says he's gonna kill me. The fucking assassin is now going to kill me. Oh, shit! -Are you serious? -He's gonna fucking shoot me now. I'm gonna die. Game over. Hey, come on, man, don't say that, Dwayne. We're gonna get the money just like we planned, okay? We just have to get the leverage back. How do we do that? We hit that pizza fuck where it hurts. What, in his dick? No. In his pussy. Oh. 1 I really don't think this is gonna work, man. I know. Please just... please just try it once. All right, I'll try, but if it doesn't work, no more negotiation tactics. You call the guy, okay? -Okay, okay. -All right. Okay. All right, three, two, one. Ow! Fuck! Fuck, man! -It's not working. -Yeah! 'Cause your arms are there. I told you, we need to cut off your arms, but you have to have your arms. Okay, I will try him. (cell phone beeps) -(line rings) -DWAYNE: Yo, this is the king. Leave a fucking message. (groans) It went straight to voice mail. What are we going to do, man? If those guys don't pick up, uh, you're going to explode! In an hour, you'll be dead! All right, I'll call him again. -(gasps) -DWAYNE: That's right. Shit just got real for you, slumdog. (Travis chatters, Dwayne laughs) Who the fuck are you? Get her. (women shouting over TV) (glass shatters in distance) Dwayne? (tense music) (music continues) Chill out right there, homey. Chill out right there. I'm gonna walk you through it. I'm just here for Dwayne, okay? That's it. Even if I knew where he was, I wouldn't tell you nothing. Don't be stupid, bro. Come on, tell me. You know, I saved a beaner's life in the shit. So, if I took yours, we'd be even. A beaner, huh? That shit cuts deep. I'm not gonna lie. That was good. Mm-hmm. Why you trying to protect him? He hired me to kill you, motherfucker. Sounds like my son. Where is he? Where the fuck is he?! (laughs) You think I'm scared of death? Huh? There's a whole generation of gooks that think I'm the Grim Reaper. (gunshot) Come here, you! (grunting) I'll ride you all the way to hell. And I know just how to get there. (grunting) Are you for serious, dawg? Nobody can fucking kill to me, bro! Go ahead and shoo... (groaning) Didn't think I was gonna do it, right? People always do that shit! Really? A fucking pen gun? Motherfucker. (groaning) You're-you're a fucking badass, bro. You're a pimp. Okay, remember, you're a pimp. That's what your ma said. Your ma told you you were a pimp. (shallow panting) You're a pimp! (gunshot) The fuck is this shit? The scrapyard? Maybe I should just become a bank robber. I was pretty good at it. Teachers don't make shit. -Bank robbers make bank. -(cell phone ringing) Hey, hey, it's them. Oh, shit. Don't mess this up. Okay. You ready to talk now? Yeah, I'm ready to talk. I want my fucking money. Good. Then, give me the fucking code right now. I will disarm this thing. I will... I will leave the money someplace and you can come and get it. You'll just have to trust me when I say that I don't want it. (chuckles) Yeah, I'm sure. You're just so ready to get back to your fantastic life, huh? (over phone): Your awesome job and that sweet, hot little bitch of yours. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Well, you know the little lady that you paid a visit to today? -Well, guess what. -Hands off me! She's sitting in the back of my van right now, and let's just say it's not consensual. Fuck you! You-you just crossed the line! There are no lines. There's just me, you and $100,00. The sooner you figure that shit out, the sooner you get her back and your life back. What did he say, man? You're gonna meet me in a scrapyard, alone. Try anything crazy and both y'all are gonna be -delivering pizzas to Saint Peter. -What's going on? All right, let-let me talk to her. Fine. He wants to talk. He wants to talk to me? What do I say? No, to her. He wants to talk to her. -Who? Oh. -Why the fuck would he want to talk to you? -Right. Sorry. -Nick? Fuck. Kate, I am so sorry. It's okay. I'm fine. (panting) I'm just really scared. Enough. She's wasting my minutes. She's just really gonna fucking die if you fuck this up, got it? Fuck! Nick, what's going on? -Uh... -Who were you talking to? I, uh... I fucked up, Chet. What did you do? When we went into town earlier, it wasn't just to tell off my boss. I mean, I did that, too, but, um... I saw Kate. While you had a bomb strapped to your chest?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Look, I thought I was being careful, okay? I went to s-see her on the roof in case I fucking exploded! The guys followed me. I had no idea that they were there. Of course you didn't! What was the one thing I asked you?! -Huh? -I know. I helped you rob a bank, man! I put a gun up to people's faces! I committed a crime! I could go to jail! -My whole life could be over! -Okay, I know, I know. I fucked up, okay? But... we have the money. Okay? And as long as we have the money, she is safe. Let's just stop arguing and go get her. (rock music) KATE: Stop it! -NICK: You got it? -CHET: Yeah. Just don't mess this up. (crickets chirping) Hey! Hello! Yo! I'm here. I made it. DWAYNE: How much time you got left? Four minutes and nine seconds. That's cutting it a little close. All right. I got the cash, so give me the code and Kate. Or maybe we can just chill out, wait for the money shot. That's very funny. Now, give me the fucking code. Fine. Sixty-nine, sixty-nine... sixty-nine. You got to be fucking kidding me. Oh, man, don't judge me. It's my favourite sexual position. (beeping) (sighs) Yeah, how's that feel? Free man. I'm not free yet. Where is she? Come on, Travis! What the fuck, dude?! This is the signal! I'm coming. She knocked over my soda. -Kate. -Nick, is that you? Yeah, yeah, I'm here. You're gonna be okay. Fucking tearjerker, isn't it? Yo, come on, man, just let her go. Yeah, I will. In time. Just want you to know my associate here is rocking a flamethrower. Be cool, man. Do not be crazy. -All right. -Yeah, unless you think you can outrun a 25-foot flame. Or a bullet. Which you can't, FYI. No, it's impossible. Do you want the money? -Yes. -Okay. Then give me the girl. We'll meet in the middle. Yeah, sure. Move, woman. All right, on the count of three. One, two, three. Okay. (gasping) It's okay. It's okay. -Holy shit. -Oh, my God! Kate, I am so sorry. -Nick, what's going on? -All right, you lovebirds. You guys can go ahead and go home now. It's all over. You know, I actually have this sneaking suspicion that once we turn around, you're gonna put a bullet in both of our backs and, uh-- this is just a guess-- he's gonna burn our bodies. Well, they say great minds think alike. I guess, in this case, so do we. (cocks gun) No, I know. I figured that. That-that's why I have a gun pointed at you, too. Yeah. I got a sniper, and he's locked on you right now. His name is Cruz, and he's a loco motherfucker. Hey, Cruz! Yeah, right. Bullshit. How dumb do I look? Nice try. Yeah, a sniper. Holy shit, Dwayne. -On your forehead. -What? There's a red dot on your forehead. You look like one of her people. There's a what? Shit! Oh, you son of a bitch. -Thank you, Cruz. -Well played. -All right, now, drop the gun. -Just put it down, dude. -A fucking sniper, dude. -It's on your chest now. Why didn't you think of a fucking sniper? -Okay, and you, too. -I can't put it down. It's attached to my backpack. Can I just point it down? -Yeah, that's fine. Whatever. -Thanks. All right, now we're gonna walk away. But if you try anything, my sniper will shoot you. Oh, you're so tough, huh? You had to use a sniper to outdo us. That's a pussy move! Suck it. -Who cares? We got the money. -Yeah, fuck them. Hey, I wasn't expecting to see you here. (screams) Nick. Nick. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -Who the fuck is that? Hey, where you guys going? Don't leave the party just yet. -Hold up. -What? -Man, who the fuck are you? I'm the motherfucking Satanic Hispanic, doggie. -Oh, shit! -Oh, fuck. Uh, oh-oh, we were looking for you, man. We got all your money right here. All right, throw it down. Yeah, of co... Yeah. Yeah, it's yours. There you go. Oh. -(cocks gun) -Hey, what the fuck? -Come on, man. We paid you your fucking money! Put the gun down! It's very disappointing the way that you guys do business. It's fucked-up, bro. I got shot with a pen today. With a fucking pen, bro! Right in my neck. And I got hit in the face with a fucking crowbar or something like that by the little kazoo guy. I don't know what you're talking about, man, but there's your money. Just fucking take it! I am gonna take the money, and then I'm gonna tie up you two loose ends. We're not loose ends! You dumb motherfucker, you're as loose as ends get! -Dwayne, what do we do? -Torch him. (screams) What the fuck, bro?! A flamethrower?! (screams) You motherfuckers! -Dwayne! -Oh, it's hot! (men shouting) Nick. Come on. Here we go. Come on. I'll be right back. I'm a pimp! (screaming) -Kate! -Chet, what are you doing here? -I'm Cruz! Where's Nick? -I don't know! He ran off! -What the fuck's going on?! -I don't know! Motherfuckers are getting set on fire! We need to leave now! Hey. -I got the money. -Okay, let's go. -(groans) (panting) No. That's my money! No. (engine revving) TRAVIS: Dwayne, I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, Travis! -Travis! -Help me, Dwayne! -I got you, buddy. -Oh, no! -Hang on! -Here I come! -Dwayne! I got you! (screaming) Oh, I got you, buddy. I got you, buddy. -Travis. -Oh, my God! Travis. Travis! Are you all right? Are you okay, man? Yeah. Dwayne... you came back for me. You said you never would. You did good, man. You didn't hesitate. No. That's what she said. Yeah. That is what she said. It works there. It finally works. I'm gonna go put a bullet in that asshole's face, go get our money back. You gonna be able to get home okay? Yeah, I can. Go fucking get him, dude. I will. Good fucking work! Yeah, man. (groans) Go get our fucking money! KATE: You had a bomb strapped to you all day? Yeah. But we got away. For the second time, with the money. So, when you came to see me today... Yeah. Yeah, I meant everything I said. Oh. Come on, Kate. Way to get caught up in the moment. Ooh. Oh, shit. Yo. Want to fucking take King Dwayne's money?! You want to fucking play?! This is not good. Oh. Go faster! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Guess who, pizza boy! Yo, dude, pull over! Get fucked! No, you don't understand! You don't understand! Aah! Aah! I own this town! (beeping) Why did that van just explode? Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of, uh, typed in the code, reactivated it and put it in the back of that guy's van. What? That's some John McClane shit. Yes! How did you remember the code? Uh, well... doesn't... it doesn't matter. Anyway, we are alive, and we are rich. This money's gonna change my life. First off, Grand Rapids Elementary, "Fuck you, kids." I'm done, okay? I can finally do all the stuff I've wanted to do, you know? Like travel the world, spend a little time in Italy, -maybe summer in France. -(loud pop) (gasps) (screams) Sandra! ("Got Your Money" by Ol' Dirty Bastard playing) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 (music fades) (fireworks whistling, popping) (fanfare playing) Hello. Here at Major Tan, our specially trained engineers are hard at work developing new technologies to harness the power of the sun. How's it going in here? It's our most advanced tanning bed yet. But don't just take this scientist's word for it. The proof is in the tan. -Wow. -Wow. But at Major Tan, it's not just about looking good. It's also about feeling good. MAN: Whoo! Goddamn! That deluxe tan was fantastic. DWAYNE (voice-over): Our more-than-willing staff is ready to provide for your every need through our wide variety of custom tans. The grande tan, the ultra-dark tan, the barely-legal tan, the facial tan. And my personal favourite, the menage-a-tan. (fireworks popping) We even offer our own brand of patented tanning pleasure oils that our female associates are trained to apply. (women giggling) WOMEN: We love King Dwayne! So come on down to Major Tan, where we're proud to be a family business. That's what she said.