(NOBLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) # If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown # Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me # Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie # If you put me to the test If you let me try # Take a chance on me... # And this display is all that's left of CONTROL, a secret spy agency which once battled the criminal syndicate KAOS. CONTROL was disbanded at the end of the Cold War. OK, up next... (KEYPAD BEEPS) Judy, the elevator is still doing that thing where it drops fast. Are you sure maintenance fixed that? Let me check. Yup, they fixed it. See you later. Hey, Max. Agent 50. Sixteen floors down. How do flies get in here? Hey, Max. Max! Hey, Larabee, 91. Yeah, big day. Could be your last chance to push a pencil. Agent test results are due. Oh, is that today? I wasn't, er, really thinking about it. Can you imagine Max as an agent? Little suit, little shoes. (LAUGHS) Uh-oh, two-nerd pile-up! (MIMICS CRASH) Move. Pretty boys! Nothing but empty suits. Good morning, Bruce, Lloyd. Why would you be an agent? Lab guys like us, analysts like you, we're the real soldiers. Guardians of freedom and democracy. And I hear we're getting a new cappuccino machine. Only for agents. Oh. Hey, Agent 23 is back! (APPLAUSE) Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Welcome back, 23. Maxie! How was the assassination? Maxie, you know assassinations are prohibited by Order 12,333. (ALL LAUGH) 23, you kill me! I could if I wanted to. Yes, you... Oh! (ALL LAUGH) Did you see that face he made? That's scary. Six months' work, $18 million. Frickin' agents, man. A lot of chatter in this region involved nuclear material. You may remember from page 627 of my last report that there has been an up tick in KAOS interest in nukes. To wit, I offer the following conversation. What are you doing? Are you texting? Yeah. Just letting my fiancee know we won't be able to get married in June. I'll still be in this meeting. Can I see that for a second? Yeah. That's great. (CRACK) That's weird, you lost your signal. Sorry to interrupt, Maxie. Go ahead. Next time use your own damn phone. Good morning, men. No offence, Karen. Snappy tie. Sorry I'm late. Just came out of a budget meeting with an abrasive, dismissive and sarcastic vice president. It's no problem. I have obtained a snippet at great risk to a busboy in Balahd. (PUNJABI VOICES) "Aftab, how is your coffee?" "Good, Dalip. It's decaf." "How is yours?" "It is good also." "How is your muffin?" Powerful stuff. So "muffin", then, is a codeword. No, it is comfort food, and, frankly, much more fattening than most people realise, which begs the question, why would two hardened KAOS agents risk the carbs? Because they are under stress. Hence the decaf. For Aftab, yes. Dalip takes his full strength. Why? Because he has been sleeping on the couch for three days because he called his sister-in-law a leathery hag. People often say things in anger they don't mean. Leathery hag, fat cow... ungrateful whore. Just words, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing. Let it go, man. Those kids don't even look like you. Can we put a pin in this and go back to Max's detailed report? Thank you. All I'm saying is that until we understand that our enemies are also human beings, we will never defeat them. Yes, they are bad guys, but that is what they do, not who they are. Let's continue listening and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little dry. (CRUNCH) Easy, Durat! This stuff is radioactive! One slip and it's ka-frickin'-boom! Shtarker. This is KAOS. We don't ka-frickin'-boom here. Sorry, Mr Siegfried. Get it in the truck and let's burn this place to the ground. If we have what we want, why burn the building? (GUNSHOT) Any more questions? Missed me! (LAUGHS) Alright, alright! I'm out! He was lying, Max. It was a good shot. Thanks. I am so sick of training. I wanna get out in the field. Give it up! It's just you and Maxi-pad against the six of us! Oh, gee! I've never heard that one before! I never have actually heard that. 23, you're bleeding. A knife wound from the last mission. When my blood gets pumping, it seeps. Maxine! Why don't you come over here and we'll play a game I call "Let's go to the dog show." I put a collar on you and make you my b... (SQUEALS) Ooh! I think I really got inside his head. I am not proud. Game over, chatty Kathy. Game over when I say it's over. OK. Wet willy. OK, who wants lunch? Well, excellent work, 23, but I could have handled it my... (RINGING FEEDBACK) Max, the chief wants to see you. It is nice to see you too! You wanted to see me, chief? Yes, Max, yes. Please, sit down. Your field agent test results just came in and... Something wrong with your ear? Absolutely not. Would you like me to wait while you answer that? Answer what? Nothing. You were saying? The results are extraordinary. In fact, your essay on existentialism was amazing. I left that section blank. Blank? Brilliant. Brilliant, Max. At any rate, you passed with flying colours. Yes! You know what? I can't say I am shocked because I felt good about this year's tests in light of the fact that in previous years my fitness has been an issue. # "Ain't No Other Man" - Christina Aguilera Personal best! But not anymore. I'm ready for duty. Max, I know how hard you prepared for this and how much this means, but I'm afraid I can't promote you. What? I can't afford to give up my best analyst. The chatter you get through and the reports, they go way beyond the raw data. So... ..to be clear, you're not promoting me because I do such a great job. Max, the way you and I work is becoming a lost art form. I spend half my days trying to convince the vice president that intelligence comes from human beings and not satellites. Hunches. That's where the real work gets done. I'm very proud of you, Max. Very proud of you. And I need you where you are. I am sorry, but we can never be. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent, and when that happens, one call could take me to the other side of the world. Who am I kidding? I'm a middle-aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, Fang. Don't love me. (THUD / YELPS) Ah! Sorry. Oh, great. My last mile. Now I have no idea how fast it was. You were moving. Not easy to knock me down, I have a very low centre of gravity. I'm just gonna call that one a 4.50. Impressive. I, er, once ran a 5.16. Oh, really? That's, er... slower. Well, not everything's a competition. If it were, I'd win. Ah. Are you flirting with me? Not at all. Are you flirting with me? That depends. Is it working? Not at all. Well, nice meeting you! I admire your focus! (CRUNCH / YELPS) Am I invisible? (SIREN WAILS) Bruce, Lloyd. What happened? And what is that ungodly smell? Fear. I'll be back. Freeze. Freeze. No, you freeze. You freeze. I told you to. Freeze times infinity. Oh, my God. You. You! Are you CONTROL? I'm Maxwell Smart, CONTROL analyst. Who are you? I'm Agent 99. Oh, my word. You are Agent 99? I am a huge fan! Thank you. What are you doing? I'm right here, just talk to me! I'm going to cause a diversion and you get help. I don't think - Shh! Did you just - Shh! Oh, good, 23! Just in time! I think I got one of 'em! Is that the chief? (GROANS) Yes, it is. Sorry about that, chief. Is that a dint in his head? (WHISTLES) Hi. Hi! Agent 13, you are in a tree. Yeah, communications got knocked out so they put me in a tree. (LAUGHS) Old school stuff. I'm glad to see you're OK. Yeah, yeah. Well, I have to get going. Would you raise the walkway? You don't have to, you don't have to get going. I got a meeting. How you been? Well. Everything good? It's great. I gotta... Could you come back this way? I... Yeah. Yeah, I think I will. What time? Well... Mmm... I get it. Who wants to talk to a guy in a tree? I, I get it. Hang in there. Don't cry, don't... Please don't cry. OK, let's get started. Bear with me, I'm still a little fuzzy. I got a pretty good hit in the head yesterday. Yes, it was dark. You probably tripped. I hurt my knee. It was smoky, too. Alright, here's what we know. Wait, chief. I request the Cone Of Silence. Oh, Max! Not the Cone Of Silence! We're in a safe room, for God's sakes. We thought CONTROL was safe. OK. Lloyd? (MUFFLED VOICES) We have reason to believe our security was breached. You'll have to speak up. Can you hear me? I can't hear anyone! What? Can you hear me?! Bruce, it's not working. It's not working! It's not working! Chief, I hit you in the head with a fire extinguisher! No, no, no! We're not ready yet! OK, alright. It doesn't work. Get rid of it. It's a useless piece of garbage! Hey, Larabee. You alright? Hey, you OK? Larabee wants out! (MUFFLED SHOUTS) Out! Today's the day, and we're gonna get rid of this damn thing. Alright, are we done? Yup, I can hear now! Sorry, chief. Someone led me to believe the cone was ready. I never actually used the word "ready". "Show 'em the cone." "The cone's the shizzle." Alright, shut up! Listen up, people. There's been a rash of thefts of nuclear materials, especially yellowcake, over the last three months. Based on Max's intel, we were able to get Agent 38 inside KAOS. We must have been close because KAOS hit us, and hard. During the confusion, they hacked our system and learned the identities of our field agents. Our people are under attack. Our only lead is the maker of the bomb KAOS used against us. Ladislas Krs... It's pronounced "Krstic", sir. Yes, Ladislas Krs... Krstic. Kribliths, yes. He's a Bosnian national, one of KAOS's favourite suppliers. We have no idea where he is. Actually, sir, we do. He is in Russia. How do you know? He was on page 482 of my report. Doesn't anybody read my reports? Alright, our mission is clear, people. Find Kirfnic! Krstic. Yes, find him! Chris Cringle, fish sticks. I got it, I got it. Use him to get to KAOS then recover the stolen nuclear material before they can do something less than friendly. Maybe if we're lucky we can apprehend the man behind it all, Siegfried, pictured here with his number two man, Shtarker. How when all our agents are compromised? Put me out there, chief. I'm not afraid to expose myself. Do you ever think before you speak? No, I just whip it out there. It's what's best. We have other options. 99 recently underwent massive plastic surgery so her new face is not known yet. We also have a new agent, Agent 86. Who's that, sir? It's you, Max. Alright, Maxie! You did it! Lloyd, may I have the COS, please? Oh, I'm so happy, I'm so happy! This is the best day of my life! Max, you... you didn't push the button hard enough. So you could hear me? Yes. Right. Excuse me, chief. I'm not questioning your judgement - 99, I insist on complete honesty. If you have something to say to me, just say it. Max has no experience and I don't want him as my partner. That is a sucker punch to the gonads. 1 Hey, Max! We got you a lovely parting gift for your first mission. Oh, a pocket knife! Not just a pocket knife. Swiss Army knife. It comes with tweezers, pliers, tiny magnifying glass. Flamethrower - Whoa. What was that thing you said? Chisel? No, before that. Did you say flamethrower? Yeah. Check it. We also added a crossbow that fires harpoons connected to 60 feet of spider silk nano thread, strength of steel cable. Time consuming technology. Spiders have to be milked, And they do not like it. No, they don't. Gentlemen, you're the best. Thanks. "Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your seatbelts fastened." I feel really good about us as partners. 23 says that's important. "Trust is a must." That's what 23 says. Does he? You and I share a bond, I think. We know what it feels like to look in the mirror and not like what we see. You with the surgery, me with the weight loss. I wanna show you something. That was me. Wow, very impressive. Congratulations. Thank you. This is... me. Wow. Mm. Very impressive, 99. You were truly hideous back then. Since we are going to be portraying husband and wife, we should get our story set. OK, good idea. We met at a marketing convention in Vegas, married a year later. No kids. I like you parents but you hate mine. Do we want kids? You do, but I'm concentrating on my career. I don't know if that's fair. I'm older than you. Well, not by much. Really? When they gave me a new face, I had them, um... ..take a couple of years off. You know, why not? Well, if that's the case, then you are at an advanced age. No, I was never at an... I'm just saying that your eggs could dry up and fall out of your uterus. Time is of the essence. That's your opinion. No, that is a medical fact. There is a lot of time to make this decision. I will not be rushed by you or my mother. Where is the drink cart? Uh-oh. What? Six o'clock. Don't turn around! Use your peripherals. Do you see him? I'm just widening my eyes, I'm not seeing anything more. The scary guy that might as well be holding a sign, "I'm an assassin." OK, 99, you know what? That is profiling. Just because he is large doesn't mean that he is a bad guy. He... Oh, wow! That's a bad guy, that's a really bad guy. Did you see his face? Yes. His head looks like one of the Easter Island heads. You know what? I'm doing the same thing. That's profiling, and I will have none of it. Darn it, I have gum on my new shoes. He's trying to light his shoe! It's a shoe bomb! Get him! It's gum. He's got a gun! Not a gun, gum! Gum! (ALL SCREAM) Sky marshal, you're under arrest! I believe you've just shattered my coccyx. "Folks, we're experiencing turbulence..." Well, you were no help whatsoever. How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus. I never said "dusty". We're close to the drop site. I'll go first. With your handcuffs? No handcuffs can contain me. Excuse me, violent sky marshal? What do you want? I have to squeeze the lemon. (TUTS) > You heard me. Squeeze the lemon. Do you work out? Occasionally. Yeah, I'm big on protein. Protein's great. Get it out. I gotta get that out! (YELLS / WAILS) That's in there! That's in there! No time for pain. Over the drop zone. (YELPS) Ball sack! Son of a hamster. (KNOCKING) You alright? Yeah. Yes, I am. Everything's fine. (TWANG) Mother of pearl! Oh, that burns! Last chance. "Airlock activated. Three, two, one..." (SCREAMS) First package away. Absolutely, I love cats. Really? Yeah. Damn. Second package away. (SCREAMS) Oh, good, you heard me! Third package away. Third package? 99, Easter Island! I'll be right back! Where could you possibly be going?! (SCREAMS) (THUD) OK, never do that again! Stop hanging on me! Never! Max, I can't reach my reserve! Do something! (CHUCKLES) That would have definitely worked on me. Are you crazy?! I've I can't pull my 'chute, you'll die too! Aim for the haystack. Stop talking. It's softer. Stop talking! You missed it. (RUSSIAN) (PIG SQUEALS / CRASH) 1 OK, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths? OK, so far our partnership has consisted of me getting you out of trouble. Do you know why? Because you keep leading. Here's how we stop that. I lead. I am the one with experience and you know nothing. I beg to differ. I looked up your field agent exam and I - My what? Your field agent exam. I scored eight points higher. That is the difference between A-plus and A-minus! You are going to get us killed A-minus! OK, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do? I take my gun and I - You don't have a gun. I did until you took it. Bang, you're dead. Stop shooting me. You are dead. I don't like it when you shoot me. Stop it. Stop shooting me more. You already said I was... Hey! Throw out your manual. There are no grades, only dead and not dead. You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of Hwa Rang Do. Ahh! I was not ready! That's my point. Yeah, you know what? That... Hey! What was that? Max is halfway to Moscow. Don't tell me you're still translating. They talk fast. It's hard. Takes eight of these to do what Max did. Can't wait to finish Hymie. All these stupid agents will be obsolete. What's a Hymie? Hybrid Mechanical Intelligence Entity. A robot. It's a stolen KAOS technology, being reprogrammed. Top secret. Need to know. And you don't need. I'm a trained killer, you know? I can kill you with anything. You wanna die by Post-Its? I could make that happen. And that's a slow death. Larabee. Yeah? Were you the last to use the copier? Yeah. You left it jammed. So? Why don't you un-jam it. Just open the door, read the instructions. This your stapler? Yeah. Want me to show you how to use it? No. Now why don't you un-jam that? 23? Yes? Can I have a moment, please? Let me tell you about a pattern beginning to emerge. As a former field agent, I'm aware of how difficult it is to make the transition to office life. He didn't un-jam the copier. We have rules. If you don't, what are we? We're not people who jam staples into other people's heads. That's CIA crap. Look, chief, I'm your best guy. I don't belong in an office, I should be out there with Max. Look, 23, no more stapling today. So, how do you know this place? As an analyst, I keep my ears open. It's amazing what you can learn listening to chatter. Ladislas Krstic loves this place, as do many KAOS agents. Cafe Minsk-Pinsk in Smolensk. It doesn't get any better than thinsk. See what I just did? I added an insk, made it sound Russian. Should have smacked you harder. Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face willy-nilly? It's Tuesday. Punch Max. Ooh, a box of kittens. Time to punch Max in the face. Oh, bread. Time to punch Max in the face. I love bread. I know bread has carbs but I've never really been afraid of carbs. No matter how many I eat, I stay thinsk. (RUSSIAN) Oh, I'm sorry. Are you talking to me? No sprechen sie Russian. (STARTS URINATING) (STOPS URINATING / STARTS URINATING) (STOPS URINATING / STARTS URINATING) (STOPS URINATING / STARTS URINATING) (STARTS URINATING) (STOPS URINATING / STARTS URINATING) (TOILET FLUSHES) Oh, you know what? I will tell you, I love your country. No more communism, no rules of any kind. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday. Best vacation I've ever had. (BEEPING / BUZZING) Time to take my pill. There was a guy in the bathroom who was really hot. OK. Th... No, no, no. Radioactive hot, although he did have a rugged quality some find appealing. How did you know he was radioactive? My watch is a Geiger counter. You don't have one of these? I think he was part of the nuclear theft. We should follow him. I gotta say, Max... ..you picked a good restaurant. Of course. Tripe soup. This must be Ladislas Krstic's house. What? Tripe soup is his favourite dish. It was in the dossier. Let's just see what we're up against, OK? I didn't get to eat at the restaurant. If you skip a meal, the next meal, you overindulge. Let me, I've got nails. You owe me $3. Oh, more guards. We'll have to figure out a way in. Miniature blowgun. You don't have one of these? Oh. Darts are tipped with tranquiliser from the skin of a lizard known as los zapatos de la muerte. "The shoes of death". Excuse me. They're 40 yards out, the edge of my range. Going to have to give this one a little something extra. (INHALES) (GASPS / SWALLOWS) Wow. You look spectacular. Thanks. You don't look too bad yourself. Is that a wig? Yeah, it came with the dress. How did I get into these clothes? That's not important. Let's go. Am I wearing boxers? For future reference, I usually prefer briefs for their security and peace of mind. Going free bird is not exactly ideal. I don't like it. (CLASSICAL WALTZ PLAYS) There must be 200 people here. Krstic will be like a needle in a haystack. I'd love to dance. English, but you understand Russian. Very impressive. Shall we. I hope your date doesn't mind. Oh, he's not my date. He's just a local horse groomer I hired to drive me around. Tragic. He's quite deaf, really not bright. (SLOWLY) I am going to dance now. You go get yourself some punch. OK. I don't even know how much gets through. Chief, I need your help. You're on! Go ahead! We have found Krstic. I've searched but I cannot find his network. Get me an infrared satellite scan. I have to get back to 99, she is in grave danger. Your house is so beautiful. It must be difficult to go to work. Oh, I don't have to go very far. (RUSSIAN) I don't think so. I wasn't talking to you. Me? Da. I don't know. It'll be fun. Trust me. You are so light on your feet. I recently lost 150 pounds. So did I! Isn't it great? I have so much more energy now. Me too. Thanks for jumping. No problem. Thank you for the lovely dance. See anything? Once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you. I found out that the office is in the guest house. How'd you do that? Show him a little decolletage, cleavage, bat your eyes? Not judging, just detecting a pattern here. Ready to work? I'm ready. You? Oh, my God. You're just having fun showing your... Six guards. We are going to need another way in. Larabee, let's go. Move it. Hey, what'd you do?! I can't find the right screen. It went away! What did you hit?! Don't yell, it's not helping! If you don't find that screen, I'm gonna have you hunting landmines with a hammer. (GIGGLES) "Got it, Max. There is one other." What kind of entrance? The kind where you're gonna wanna throw your shoes out afterwards. Oh, great. Rats. It's not enough that there's poop. I never saw James Bond in rats or poop, let alone rats and poop. Oh, look, a rat riding on a piece of poop. Stop it, it's just a storm drain. Here it is. Exploding dental floss. You don't have this? Hmm. 1 Three, two, one... (BEEPS) (BOOMS) Right. Come on. Are you staring at my butt? No, I am not. I might have been before but I am... Now I am again. Alright, I'm stopping. I... Just pay attention so you can follow me exactly. Yup. OK, Max, little heads up. These are high intensity lasers so whatever part of you does touch gets sliced off. One more reason why boxers were a bad idea. Alright, so do I have to do it exactly like that? Come on. That's impressive. Wow. Careful getting up, this bit's tricky. Good. Very good. OK, it's not that good. (RAT SQUEAKS) Max. Max. Stay calm. Keep it together. He's nibbling. That's not cheese! Max, be quiet! (YELPS) OK. Shall we? Did I hear something? Yes, there were some... ..tap dancers in the hallway. Damn it. I can't get in. Biometric security. If you don't mind, 99. The old steam from breath sticks to everything but the last print trick. Here we go. Shipments of explosives. Your boyfriend is a very bad man. And a really good kisser. Ignoring that. Look, detonators. A lot, wouldn't you say? He is a bomb maker. No, no, no. What is odd is it was shipped to a bakery in Moscow. These can also be used for nuclear bombs. This is our connection. (GUNFIRE) I set that up. Let her go. No. I'm not totally incompetent without a gun, you know. (GUNFIRE) Thanks for the help. Mmm-hmm.. That's enough. Pity. I'm about to shoot a beautiful woman and her retarded stable boy, and yet... ..I will sleep like a baby. Not bad for a rookie. Not bad for an old lady. (SOMBRE VIOLIN PLAYS) (PHONE RINGS) Siegfried here. (DISGUISED VOICE) "How could you screw this up?" Krstic was a fool. And they got lucky. "Who's speaking?" No-one, sir. "They're heading towards you. Don't disappoint me again." Don't worry - (HANGS UP) Why does he do that? Don't look at me, I'm no-one. And don't you forget it. Everyone here can be replaced. I even have backup for you. It's called a rhinoceros. I think it's time to find new wheels. Pull over. I, er, feel good about the mission so far. Don't you? Er, so far, sure. I think we work very well together. Like at the mansion, the way I held that guy's hair while you punched him in the throat. That was, er, that was nice. Nice? Yeah, well, good teamwork. What are you doing? I'm just saying that I think we're compatible. I think that you are confusing adrenaline with, I don't know,... ..some other kind of hormone. No. That's not... Just stop it. OK? Let me give you a lesson that I had to learn the hard way. You can't trust anyone out here, not even me. I could be a double agent. The break-in at CONTROL was probably an inside job. It happened as I got back. How do you know it wasn't me? What are we talking about here? Let's just find a car. I... Which one'll attract the least attention? Hmm. Alright. Well, we have a few Soviet-era Sedans here. We have that tractor, that cart,... and... That'll work. No. Yes. No. Yes. We are really under the radar(!) Will you relax? Since the fall of Communism, everybody has one. (SPEAK RUSSIAN) There's our little KAOS bakery. This isn't like the last place. There's no party, no dancing. Everyone in there is a trained killer. Do you understand? OK. Did they explain how your belt buckle works? No, but the technology for holding up pants hasn't changed much. Max. What? This one has a compartment. Inside, there's a pill. If captured, it would cause death in nine seconds. Great. But how exactly do I get them to take it? Not much of a laugher, are you? Here. Put this on. On what? On your molar. It's a tooth radio. It sends sound up your jawbone into your ear. I can't hear outside your mouth so if you get in trouble, you have to say so. Is it working? (Is it working?) (Yes.) (Good.) (OK.) Well, you know what to do. Good luck in there. You, too. (DOOR BELL JINGLES) Free Rugelach? No, thank you. I am here for something else. Bread? Something hot. We have rolls that just came out. Even hotter. Much, much hotter. I already have boyfriend. Alright... Although I could make exception. No, that's... Sure? ..OK. Flour sacks in back very comfortable. I don't think we are on the same page. I'm here because Ladislas Krstic sent me. Ah. Take number. But I'm the only one here. Oh. # If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown 1 (LIFT DINGS) Who are you? My name is Nudnik Shpilkes. Who are you? I am Siegfried. Did you say Siegfried? (Max!) Yes. I understand you're the man to see if someone is interested in acquiring items of a nuclear nature. How do I know you're not CONTROL? If I were CONTROL, you'd be dead. If you were CONTROL, you'd be dead. Well, neither of us is dead so I'm obviously not from CONTROL. That actually makes sense. Follow me, Mr Shpilkes. Test. Test. '(CLASSICAL MUSIC)' Ah. The Ode To Joy from Beethoven's Ninth. Stone deaf when he wrote it. Syphilis. Fun stuff. Yes, a personal favourite. A bit familiar but it ends with a bang. (CHUCKLES) You're doing great, Max. What I'm about to show you is the inner sanctum of our operation. The inner sanctum of the entire operation? Yes. (BEEPING) This is it? Of course not. I lied. He does that. I'm going to kill you and then your partner. I don't know who you're talking about. (SIGHS) Ah. Mrs Shpilkes must be lost. I think it's only fair to warn you this facility is surrounded by a trained team of 130 Black Op snipers. I don't believe you. Would you believe two dozen Delta Force commandos? No. How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun? Goodbye, Mr Smart. (DOOR CLOSES) Well, Mr Shtarker, I think you've underestimated me and the element of surpr... Ah! Ha! Ogh! (GROANS) 99, we've been compromised. Get out. (GUNFIRE) (COMPUTER) "Access denied." (GROANS) (CONTINUES TO GROAN) Ha! (YELLS) "Access denied. Access denied." "Access denied." Max, where are you? 99, I found the yellowcake. Of course you did. It's a bakery. No, not yellow "cake" cake yellowcake uranium. Although there is yellow "cake" cake here as well. Oh, Max. (BEEPING) (MEN YELL) (BEEPING) Do you read me? 99! I lost your signal. What happened to your radio? I swallowed it. I can get it back but you may not want it. Good Lord. Listen, I've placed charges at key points all over the building. What? You can't blow up a building full of radioactive material! I know. I've placed enough charges to safely bury the weapons lab. Max, that's brilliant. Wow. That's maybe the nicest thing you've said to me. (GUNFIRE) (BEEPING) (GUNFIRE CONTINUES) (BEEPING) '(YELLING)' I thought he was dead! I will say this. He is not a quitter. (ROARS) Ha. This is just ridiculous! (ROARS) Oh! 99! Wake up, 99! Maybe you should kiss him again. Whoa! Wait, I know that voice. The chatter! Dalip. (YELLS) (CONTINUES TO YELL) Ow! That was me! Max? I'm... Yep, still fighting. (SCREAMS) Now, Dalip, I can prove that I know you. Your favourite dish is chicken tikka! Like me, you enjoy American Top 40 with Ryan Seacrest. (YELLS) (GROANS) Ow. (BEEPING) Wait. Wait, Dalip, there's something else that I know. Max. Max. Your marriage is in trouble. Your darling wife, Zeenat, is leaving you. But there is still hope. Do you love her? Wha...? Then show her. Go home for lunch. Take her the next time you go to kill someone. She wants to be with you and that means less time with her sister, who we both know is undermining your relationship. Kick the gun to me. 99, please. Big people feel pain, too. (ROARS) (CAR ALARM BLARES) What are you doing? Oh, no. Oh, no. Max! Oh... Oh. OK. (CRIES) That's alright. That's OK. Her sister's such a bitch. You alright? Yeah. That was amazing. Thank you. We gotta go. 99. Wagh! What was that? I cramped up. Come on. Come here. Good idea. We will climb up with you and we'll all go... together. (SPEAK RUSSIAN) He left us here. What a douche. (BOTH GROAN) Missed it by that much. '(SIRENS BLARE)' Well, that's convenient. Shoot them. (GUNFIRE) Whatever you do, 99, don't look down! I'll try to get us to that ledge! Max. We can do this, 99! Max. Right. (SIRENS BLARE) 1 Oh, thanks, Chief. OK, no problem. The Chief is thrilled. He sent 23 out to observe the cleanup. Great. Listen, is it possible that you could answer a personal question? It's possible. Why did you change your looks? Oh. Um, that's not really a personal question. Things from my non-work sphere spilled into my work sphere. Facts became known, identities were compromised and I became a brunette. Wow. That is a great story in which you revealed absolutely nothing about yourself. I blew a mission. I was involved with someone from work. I lost focus. The mission blew up. I broke it off with that person but my identity had already been revealed. So, I had two choices. I could either spend the rest of my life behind a desk, which would be like eight hours a day of scraping a cheese grater against my forehead. Oh, you know. Yes. Or I could change my face so that's what I did. And it was painful but it needed to be done and s... I don't wanna talk about this any more. OK. I used to look like my mom. I used to look like two of my moms put together. Sir, if I may ask, how did you choose the target? Why Los Angeles? Major city, lots of media attention, and the president will be there. Still, it's too bad about all the dead movie stars. Yes. What will we do without their razor-sharp political advice? Oh, my God. Have you eaten the crew? Oh, look, it understands. Get back to work. No, that's not possible. No, no, no. Max said that... No. That doesn't make any sense. Yellowcake uranium warheads, an entire production line. There's nothing here but what used to be a bakery. No weapons? No radioactivity of any kind? "Nothing." I've swept the area. It's clean. But Max said that he s... Did you see the evidence yourself? No. No, every time he found something, he was alone. OK, what do you want me to do with Max? Do with Max? Max? You were right when you said I shouldn't trust you. Give me the phone. And who might this be? Siegfried? (PHONE) "Hello, Max." Chief? Knockout gas, 99? Please. I trained my body to be impervious to... That's new stuff. (BODY THUDS) Oh, Max. I'm very disappointed, Max. I thought you and I were supposedly cut from the same cloth. We are. How can you think I'm a double agent? You lied about radioactivity. You killed Krstic before anybody'd question him. And stoving my head in with a fire extinguisher. I said I was sorry. You didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma. You've made CONTROL a laughingstock. The vice president wants to shut us down. 99, this whole week,... ..last night,... you know me. Apparently not. Oh, my God! You two? You and Max? You said we had to break up cos we work together. My God! You and 23?! I am so sexually threatened right now. (PHONE RINGS) "You've reached the US Department of Homeland Security." "For threats against the continental US, press one." "For threats against Hawaii, press two. For Puerto Rico..." You're the only human being I know who snores when he's awake. OK, today's threat assessment. There are 72 threats on the list. Mike? Thank you, Mr Vice President. OK, we have a deteriorating situation in Venezuela, a deteriorating situation in Afghanistan. What about North Korea? I was getting to that. When? Next week? Yes, next Tuesday right after I kick your ass. When we argue, the terrorists win. Last night at a private dinner, President Kim Jong-Il made a very odd threat to and I quote, "Make a pudding from the bones of Americans." That guy's insane. Doesn't he know bones are crunchy? Who'd want a crunchy pudding? (PHONE RINGS) War room. (PHONE) "Finally." My name is Siegfried and I represent KAOS. "Over the past few months, we have assembled a stockpile of nuclear weapons which we have distributed to 20 unfriendly unstable dictators." For the moment, KAOS retains the bomb activation codes, but we will release the codes unless our demands are met. What are your demands? $200 billion by 3pm. $200 billion by 3pm? "You seem a bit slow." Is there someone else I can talk to? Good one. Look, we don't negotiate with terrorists and you're obviously bluffing. Take a hike. Are you kidding me? You spent the morning talking about pudding and ignore a credible threat? Credible? KAOS has been defunct for years. The CIA knows nothing about KAOS. CONTROL has to be in charge here. Like when you bombed that bakery? Muffins of mass destruction. (LAUGHTER) That's it! I've been waiting for this since Nixon. Here we go. I got a new pacemaker! I can go all day! OK! OK! Come on! (YELLING) It seems like they don't believe you. Which is why we've arranged for a little demonstration. Chief, you wanted to see me? Yes. You and 23 are coming with me to see the President. Can't you call him? Vice President won't let me through. We have to go to Los Angeles. Why is the president never here? I'm sure what he's doing is vital. "Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon." Actually, I think you'd suck as my teacher. Well, from wh... (LAUGHTER) Hey, Smart. Happy birthday. I'm fat! (SIGHS) (KEYPAD BEEPS) Gentlemen. Oh. Good, the itchy kind. My favourite. Does this one also have smallpox? (DOOR BUZZES) (CLATTERING) And that was a human tooth. (RADIO) "American Top 40." "With Ryan Seacrest." "Here's a sweet dedication from a lady named Dalip." "It's to her boyfriend, Max. Meet me in LA." "Things will be very hot. Nuclear hot." "I don't know. If I were Max, I'd get myself to LA." # I'm out of time # And I only got four minutes # Fricki, fricki, four minutes, hey # I'm out of time # And all I only got four minutes # Fricki, fricki, come on # Hey! Dumb guards! Why don't you come in here so I can make you my pretty girlfriends? You'll have to shower for weeks! (KEYPAD BEEPS) But you will never get the smell off. You two seem very angry. (GROANS) (COUGHS) Thank you, sir. May I have another? (GROANS) (COUGHS) I was kidding. (DOOR BUZZES) # Nine, four, three, six, eight # # Nine, four # Three, six, eight. # (DOOR BUZZES) Turn around slowly. Guys, you have to believe me. I'm not a double agent. We never thought you were. Yeah, we love you. What's with the firearm and freak show expressions? For the security cameras. If it looks like we let you go, we'd totally get fired. Got it. Where are the Chief and 99? They flew to LA to talk to the president. I need to get out of here before someone stops me. Overpower us. Good idea. Bruce, I'll smash you in the face. Thank you. Lloyd. I'll simulate your disembowelment. Ready? One... Not yet! I haven't punched yet. Sorry. React when I punch. Oh, yeah. One. Two. Three. Wrong way. OK, wait. Sometimes I faint. I'm not going to hit you. No, but when I see blood or... There will be no blood. Hang in there. Hang in, buddy. 1 (YELLING) (CAR STALLS) What are you doing? Running in the road! You could get hit by a car! Well, that was ironic. (SIRENS BEEP) Chief, I'm not buying it. With all our satellites, there's no way anybody could possibly have nuclear bombs that we wouldn't know about. Nuclear! What's that? Sorry. Mr President, if I could please show you data... Well, just back up here a second. First thing I'd like to know is, what did the vice president say about this? I'm afraid the vice president and I had a less-than-cordial encounter. Less-than-cordial, you say? Yes, sir. I'll say. The Chairman of Joint Chiefs sent me this little movie. Put it right here on my cell phone. Let me share this with you. This is my favourite part. "I got a new pacemaker. I'd go all day!" Oh, Chief. Very sweet tackle. Look at the surprise on his face. I probably owe you an apology for that, sir. No. Save your breath. But I agree with that son of a bitch. We can't respond to every threat. Case closed. (PHONE RINGS) Max? (PHONE) "Hello, 99." Trace 99's call now! Where are you? "That's not important." "KAOS has planted a bomb in Los Angeles." We got him. He's in Washington. "While I was in my cell, I had some time to think." "I realized that even though I was accused of something I didn't do, I was happy. Because at least for a little while, I got to live my dream of being an agent." "And I got to be with you." "I learned that you have a mean right cross, you are almost as good a dancer as me and you used to look like your mom." Max. "Please, 99. All I'm asking is for you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel something, too." Freeze! Oh, Max. How could I look in your eyes? Just turn around. Agh! Why are you talking into your shoe? The old "call forwarding from the shoe phone to the cell phone so you don't know where I am, then I appear on the roof behind you and surprise everyone" trick. Don't move. What are you doing? How'd you get here? (VOMITS) Do you have another one of these? It doesn't matter. There is a bomb and I'm here to help you find it. How do you know this? I'd rather not say. There are millions of lives at stake. If you have credible information from a reliable source, I wanna know it and I wanna know it now. I heard it from America's sweetheart, Ryan Seacrest. Whoa. Come on. It was a coded message. We're running out of time here. What are you talking about? I received a tip from a KAOS agent who I befriended at the bakery. I think we should trust him, Chief. Absolutely, Chief. I'm with 99. Every time I look at Max's puppy eyes, I'm a goner. Oh, my God. You've never had anyone break up with you, have you? Chief, you said that you and I are alike. That we are both old-fashioned men. Well, I have an old-fashioned hunch. I have a hunch that you have a hunch that I am telling the truth. Max,... ..any double agent who escapes from a high-security holding situation to fall into the arms of the people that got him is either an idiot or not a double agent and I don't think you're an idiot. Thank you, Chief. Now, we know that the President is in town. But what exactly is he doing here today? Max. Yes. We need to find out his itinerary. But Max, the... I know, 99. I need to go get a paper. We're in position. More or less. Roger. I have the security system online. Just remember - "We know!" How about a little radio silence? I wanna quit but what can I do? He's married to my sister. I reviewed the security tapes from the explosion at the bakery and I know that you let those CONTROL agents get away. So unless you do your job today, your lovely wife, Zeenat, will have eaten her last kebab. (SIRENS BLARE) (RADIO) "Check for access violation at quadrant three, sector seven." Copy that. Go. That's it. You're there. Door secure. We need to get everyone out and shut this place. We swept the building. The Secret Service doesn't make mistakes like the bakery boys. Who told you that? Take it easy. You'll give yourself a heart attack. This day won't include me blowing into your mouth. Want a piece of me? Chief! He's not worth it. Want a piece of me? Hey! I'm shaking. You better watch it. (APPLAUSE) "From Los Angeles, California, we welcome you to a live broadcast of our concert with the President. Dignitaries from around the world have gathered. We'll be broadcasting from the Walt Disney Concert Hall." There has got to be another way in. There are 50 other perfect targets. Golden Gate Bridge, Space Needle. There's no chatter to support this. I'm done with this. Stop! (BEEPING) Wait a minute, 23. You're radioactive hot. When'd you have been exposed to radioactivity? I just got back from Russia. Half the people there are radioactive. The bakery. You said you swept the area and everything was clean. I did and it was. Really? Was there anyone else there or do we just trust you? 23. Your knife wound is seeping. Sudden rise in blood pressure? Perhaps you're nervous because there is a bomb here and you know it. What's with the briefcase? Could that be the football? You mean the computer containing the bomb activation codes? Exactly. I have no interest in a real football unless it is signed by Joe Montana and I don't believe that's the case. Well, 23? You know what? We're out of time. No. You follow us, she dies. Stop this car! Max! You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you? You don't just slap your hands on a government vehicle! Hey! That's it! When we get back to Washington, you morons are through! Damn it. How have you gotten away with this for so long? I can't believe none of us saw it. Don't beat yourself up. You'll be dead soon anyway. He's heading southbound on Grand. Thanks, Bruce. Keep us posted. (RADIO) "CONTROL assholes who stole my vehicle! I know you're listening!" "You two dickwads put one scratch on that car..." "What was that?" Sorry, I'm losing you. What the...? Alright, fellas. $20 if you hit the car. Chief, I have to say this whole thing really steams my clams. I cannot get over the fact that 23 is a traitor. Sand trap! Now I know how you felt when you thought I was a traitor. Tractor! I don't know how I missed it. I'm usually very observant. Swordfish! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Were you thinking, "Holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head?" If so, yes. Come on. 1 (CLASSICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) On behalf of the US Government, I hereby commandeer this plane. The device is armed. I hope you're moving. Don't worry, sir. I'll be well clear. "Chief, they're headed southbound on I47." Thanks, Bruce. I got 'em! I need to get down to that car! No good. If I get too low, he'll hear me coming! I have another idea. What are you doing? Get back in the plane! You're gonna kill yourself! (YELLS) Hang on! (YELLS) Hang on! We're going in! (YELLS) Ogh! Sorry, Max. (YELLS) Tuesday's not gonna work. Mom! Mom! Mom! Sean! Sean! Sean! See how annoying that is? See, this is your problem. Some men like women more feminine! I'm not feminine? No. I'm not feminine? Freeze! That was so cool. Oh! Max! Damn it to hell. I might be more help if you untie me! There's a knife in my right front pocket! Agh! Ow! (LAUGHS) Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! What? What is it? That's not my knife! That's not my... (LAUGHS) I got it! Ow! 99, don't touch that! (SCREAMS) Oh, my Lord. Yeah! The kid's still got it. Max, hurry! Hold on, 99! Max! We can't stop the car! We have the football but don't know the code! These tracks are taking us back downtown towards the bomb! We gotta get you out of there! I'm coming to get you! (SCREAMS) Oh, God! Hold on, 99! It's not over, Max! I'll take that briefcase! If you want it, you'll have to take it! That's what I just said! I know! I'm just trying to annoy you! (YELLS) (MUFFLED) Hmm. Num-um. Num-um! Unusual but effective. (TRAIN HORN BLOWS) You alright? I'm fine! (SCREAMS) Max! Max, your foot! (TRAIN HORN BLOWS) I wish we had more time! What? (YELLS) Max! (TRAIN HORN BLOWS) No! Max! (TRAIN HORN BLOWS) No! Oh, Max. No! No! No! No! I wish we had more time, too. So, you did hear me? Max? Max! But the train... Missed it by that much. (SIZZLING) Operation Joy? The Ode to Joy will end with a bang. # Ode To Joy - Beethoven Chief! Yeah, Maxie! Are you OK? Listen, I think the final notes of the Ode to Joy trigger the bomb! We have to stop the concert! I'm on it. (ODE TO JOY CONTINUES) (CLEARS THROAT) My buttocks are really stinging from being dragged. Hey, grandpa, I already told you - Ogh! Speak up, son. I'm an old man, you know. (YELLS) (PEOPLE GASP) I like that tackling part. (CLAPS) (APPLAUSE) I am so, so sorry about that. Wait, wait, wait! No, let him go. There is a bomb. Where? Would you believe... in the piano? Whoa. How did we miss that? That is huge. Max. Was that...? A total guess? Yes, it was. (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) That old son of a gun can take a hit, huh? (APPLAUSE CONTINUE) Do you think I should tell him? No. Let's just savour the moment. (ALL GASP) (ALL GROAN) He's a funny son of a bitch, isn't he? This is the proudest moment of my life! Bomb not go off. Oh, really, bright-eyes? What alerted you? Was it no boom-boom or the lack of a mushroom cloud? It was the mushroom cloud for me. Well, you did your job so I suppose I can't kill your wife. Although to be honest, I'd be doing the sighted world a favour. (YELLS) (LAUGHS) What good hang time, huh? Yes, Mr President. Thank you and goodbye, sir. 86, the President wanted me to convey his personal thanks and tell you how impressed he was with that dragged-by-a-train thing. Well, sir, as an agent, I've trained myself to be impervious to pain. (BARKING) Agh! Hey, it's Fang. I wanted him to be a surprise. Oh. 99, please. Nobody here knows that we're dating. Yes, they do. On the cheek. Let's go. Maybe a little one? Hey, new guy. Hold up a second. Welcome to CONTROL. We have a tradition called pick on the new guy. Here's how it works. We pick on the new guy. You can't do anything about it. Let's try one. You dropped your pencil. Did you hear the man? I don't see a man. I see two little girls. I think I'll call you Maureen and you Brittany. New guy did not. New guy did. OK, new guy. I got this. And I'm going to enjoy it. That will make me happy, Maureen. (LAUGHTER) Maureen. (CLANG) Ow! What's in there? Oh! Oh! And just for the record. What's in there? (SCREAMS) My name is not new guy. (YELLS) My name is Hymie. Now, if you ladies will excuse me. (SCREAMS) (YELLS) This is gonna be so fun. Make him high-five me. (LAUGHTER) # "Get Smart Theme" - Irving Szathmary Max, we're gonna be late. Oh, Max. Let Maintenance take care of it. Agh! 'You've gotta be kidding me!' # I'm outta time # And all I got is four minutes # Fricki, fricki, four minutes, hey # I'm outta time # And all I got is four minutes # Fricki, fricki # Come on # Ha, ha # Yeah # Come on, boy # I've been waiting for somebody # To pick up my stroll # Now, don't waste time # Give me desire # Tell me how you wanna roll # I want somebody # To speed it up for me # Then take it down slow # There's enough room for both # Girl, I can hit you back # Just gotta show me where it's at # Are you ready to go? # Are you ready to go? # Fricki, fricki # Go # Fricki, fricki, come on # If you want it # You've already got it # If you thought it # It better be what you want # If you feel it # It must be real just # Say the word and # I'm gonna give you what you want # Time is waiting # We only got four minutes to save the world # No hesitating # Grab a boy # Grab a girl # Time is waiting # We only got four minutes to save the world # No hesitating # We only got four minutes, huh, four minutes # So keep it up, keep it up # Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna # You gotta get 'em all hot # Tick tock # That's right # Keep it up, keep it up # Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna # You gotta get 'em all hot # Tick tock # Fricki, fricki now # Sometimes I think what I need # Is a you intervention # Yeah # And I know I can tell that you like it and that it's good # By the way that you move # Oh, hey # The road to hell # Is paved with good intentions # Yeah # But if I die tonight # At least I can say I did # What I wanted to do # Tell me how about you? # Fricki, fricki now # If you want it # You've already got it # If you thought it # It better be what you want # Come on # If you feel it # It must be real just # Say the word and # I'm gonna give you what you want # Time is waiting # We only got four minutes to save the world # No hesitating # Grab a boy # Grab a girl # Time is waiting # We only got four minutes to save the world # No hesitating # We only got four minutes, huh, four minutes # So keep it up, keep it up # Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna # You gotta get 'em all hot # Tick tock, tick tock # That's right # Keep it up, keep it up # Don't be afraid, hey, Madonna # You gotta get 'em all hot # Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock # Breakdown # Yeah # Uh-huh # Tick tock, tick tock # I only got four minutes # To save the world # IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016