(FUNKY MUSIC) SONG: # Baby, baby # Right where I wanna be # Baby, baby # Don't let love make a fool of me # Yeah, I want it and I need it # Ooh, my body just won't lie # And oh yeah, I feel it # When you try and kill it # Oh, but it just won't die # Who knew that one to the head # And then one more to the heart # Could make you feel alright # Oh, won't you come set me free # Take me out of my misery # And make me feel alright # Love gun # Oh, you shot me, baby # Love gun # Oh, you got me baby # Baby, baby # Are you ready for the showdown? # Well, baby, baby # Oh, tonight it's gonna go down # With my love gun # Oh, you shot me, baby # Love gun... # I'm Stephanie Plum and this is my story. I was born and raised in a blue-collar chunk of Trenton called The Burg. Here, houses are modest, yards are small, and cars are American. - GIRLS: Stephanie! - Hey, guys. And at this point in my life, I have no food in my fridge, $4 in checking, and I'm driving to my parents' house in a car I can no longer afford. - Your father needs to eat. - I'm coming. The clock on the dash told me I was five minutes late, and a lifetime with my mother told me she'd think that meant I was dead. - I thought you were dead. - Five minutes late, Ma. - What's for dinner? - Pot roast. - Ooh. - Dried out, but pot roast. As for my dad, those five minutes were spent contemplating how to kill Grandma Mazur and where to bury the body. Guess who died. I read it today. You'll never guess. Jimmy. With the bumpy ears. 72, dead. Electrocuted. - (HISSES) - Ma! Oh, his poor mother. You're not eating. I got some not-so-great news. - You found a lump. - Come on. No. I got let go from Macy's. Those bastards. Six months ago. Six months and you're just now telling me? - For the love of God. - I know, I know. And I got maybe 10 minutes left with that car. So...that's my news. - (SIGHS) - What I need to get is a... - Job. - Husband. Bernie Kuntz is single. Ma, I had a husband. I didn't like it. I don't want another one. Yes, a job. 'Cause as hard as it is to imagine, there's just not a lot out there for a department-store lingerie manager. Well, you'd think there would be. Who wouldn't enjoy a nice thong? (CHUCKLES) Ridiculous. (METAL CLANGS, MOTOR WHIRRS) Oh, nobody panic. It's just them towing my car. What? I thought you said 10 more minutes. Mmm, my judgment's a little screwy. Oh, good judgment is for sissies. I can't take it anymore. A little FYI. Your cousin is looking for someone to help with the filing. - Which cousin? - Vinnie. He tried to make out with me at my own wedding. Oh, he's a flawed individual. (GRUNTS) This is my place. The appliances predate my grandmother, but it suits me. I hate to tell you, Rex, but you're going nowhere. That's official. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Ta-da! (SIGHS) Gram. You need to look through that peephole before you answer the door. I could've had an axe or worse. Want to come in? Uh... (GROANS) Not so much. Mmm, got a little something for you. Big Blue. Gram, I can't take Big Blue. And how'd you get here? You don't have a driving licence. What, are you gonna ride a bus like a gypsy? People ride the bus all the time. Well, not when they could be riding in style. Alright. Thank you. Uh, you might want to run a comb through your hair. You'll feel better. I feel fine. OK, run a comb through your hair and I'll feel better. Now, go get some clothes on and give me a ride home. Go, go. This is my cousin Vinnie's business. Every scumbag and sleazeball in Trenton has passed through here, but anything's better than marrying Bernie Kuntz. So here I am. Stephanie Plum, swear to Christ, I thought you were here to make bail. That would have been sad. You look confused. It's me, Connie Rossoli. You graduated Central with my little sister, Tina. Tina Rossoli. Holy crap. How's she doing? - Not good. Big as a house. - Oh. Enough about me and mine. You're here to see Vinnie regarding what? I heard you guys had a filing job. - Nah. - Nah? What do you mean, "Nah"? Nah, we moved some files into storage last week. Two days work. It was a crappy job - spend all day on your knees. Gonna spend that much time on your knees, you could find something that pays better. - You know what I mean? - Yeah. You guys got anything, full-time, part-time, freelance? Just till I get my feet back on the ground. Maybe Vinnie will let you do some skip chasing. How comfortable are you with the low-lifes? I sold lingerie for three years in Newark. - You're good to go. - (CHUCKLES) Tell you what. Morty Beyers is down for the count. Ruptured appendix, disgusting. These are his cases. - Can I look at them? - Mm-hm. "FTA"? "Failure to appear." Skipped out on bail. Bring him in, you get 10% of the bond. - Adds up. - Yeah! I could do this. I don't know, Steph. You're dealing with criminals. I gotta say no. I can either apprehend criminals or become one. That's where I'm at, Vin. It's that bad? Yeah. Joe Morelli skipped out on bail? No, no, no. You stay away from that. I'm in for half a million. I'd give it all up to put his ass in jail. Give it all up? You got nothing left to give. Remember you just said you have nothing left to give, so... It's a figure of speech, Vin. I remain unconvinced. (SIGHS) Alright. Take a couple of civil cases of Morty's, alright? But stay away from Joe Morelli. You'll muck it up, I'll lose my business, his mother will lose her house - only bad will come. I need the 50 grand. Nope. You stuck your tongue in my mouth at my wedding. (COUGHS) I was drunk, OK? I was drunk and you resembled someone else. So it's not exactly... I was wearing a big white dress and a veil. I gave you a job. Get. You know, I used to get my nails done by this very chatty manicurist who moonlights as a dominatrix, of all things. (CHUCKLES) - How chatty? - Deeply chatty. How's your wife? There's some men who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joe Morelli did this to me. He was the big catch in our neighbourhood and I thought I caught him when I gave him my virginity on the floor of the Tasty Pastry Bakery I worked at when I was 17. Unfortunately for me, he never called after. Joe? Unfortunately for him, I hold a grudge. It's not like I really thought he was gonna open the door, follow me to the station, and I'd collect a bag of money, but... Can I ask you a question? - What? - What if he's innocent? It's not my problem, Mary Lou. You're my oldest friend, Stephanie. Let it go. Oh, crap! Mooch Morelli just pulled in here. Oh, wow! Did he lose, like, 70 pounds? Yeah, lap band. He got tired of being known as Joe's fat cousin. Now he's known as Joe's ugly cousin. It's so unfair. Nah, I think he looks better. You're not being very nice. Will you hang up the phone and go check the car for clues? Great. (DOOR OPENS) Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Play it cool, Steph, play it cool. Luckily, Mooch's car wasn't too hard to follow. It was pretty flashy. And yellow. I think I found my guy. Now all I have to do is come up with a plan to bring him in. - Hey! - (SHRIEKS) - What do you want? - Morelli! - Huh? - Morelli! - God. - Oh, Jesus. Stephanie Plum, what the hell? Wow! Still charming. Says the girl who ran me over with a car. That was an accident. My foot slipped. Accident, my ass. You jumped the goddamn curb, broke my leg in three different places. I think of you every time it rains. See? That right there! Almost charming, but not quite. I heard you moved back here after your divorce. Yeah? Well, I heard you killed a guy. And? And you're in violation of your bond agreement. I'm gonna need you to come with me. (LAUGHS) Vinnie sent you to bring me in? - Yeah. You think that's funny? - Yeah, I do. And I got to tell you, I could use a good joke these days, 'cause, uh, I haven't had a lot to laugh about lately. You know what I mean? OK, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. - Hey, hey! - Hey! You got no gun, you got no cuffs, and you got no backup. I mean, seriously, Plum, thanks for the laugh. - What about your mother, hmm? - What about my mother? She mortgaged her house. She's gonna lose everything. Don't you even care? Hey, listen to me! - You listen to me. - God! I'd cut my own throat before I'd let you bring me in. Number one, I'm a cop. Know what happens to cops in jail? Not pretty. Two, you're the last person I'd let collect the money, 'cause you're a goddamn lunatic who ran me over because I didn't call after I nailed you. We're ancient history. Like the pyramids, baby. It was an accident. You're going down, Morelli. Ow! God. I mean it. I'll just come after you. Fine. I'll get my keys, get in my car. I got to say, uh... I like the way you let your hair go curly like that. It suits your personality. You know? It's got lots of energy. Not much control. Sexy as hell. You know nothing about my personality. No? Well, I know about the 'sexy as hell' part. Tactless of you to remind me. Oh! Oh. Come on. (GRUNTS) Good to see you, cupcake! You're an animal! CONNIE: Yeah, so he's an animal, but we knew that already. Can you move up a little? You smell like a dumpster. No offence. Really? 'Cause I don't smell it anymore. 50 grand, dead or alive, huh? Yeah. Vinnie will lose his shit if he knew you were face to face and came up empty. Oh, alright. Look. Ricardo Manoso, likes to be called Ranger. - Call him in the morning. - Ranger? What is he, an action figure? (CHUCKLES) Ranger Manoso, the Lord God guru of bounty hunting. He looks like Michelangelo dipped the statue of David in caramel and strapped some heat on him. Did I catch you in the middle of a tour of duty? Yuk it up - if it had been me who clocked Morelli, I'd be sitting on 50 grand right now. - How are those fries? - Eh, they're not bad. Excuse me, can I get some ketchup? Thanks. So I did a little recon. The guy Morelli killed, Ziggy Kulesza, he was moving heroin. But you knew that already, right? Yeah, yeah. Isn't that a little hard on your stomach? How come you're not going after Morelli? I'm trying to diversify to private security, things like that. None of your business. No Splenda? Nothing? Just seems a little acidic, is all. And, you know, food is fuel, so... You're out of your league. You need to respect that. A, he's a cop. B, he put a bullet in Ziggy Kulesza's head and we don't know the circumstances except for C, he was off duty and he used a personal weapon with a .45 Hydra-Shok. You even know what that is? It's a gun. I'm not an idiot. A bullet. Entry wound like a BB, blows out a chunk the size of a potato. You even own a gun? Is it bad if I say no? Yeah, she wants to be a bad-ass recovery agent. She's going after Morelli. Smith & Wesson five-shot. - .38 special. - Fits nice in a purse. Mmm. Sexy. You can take the gun, honey. - It's enchanting, isn't it? - Yeah. You mind if I take her for a test drive? I might like his better. Hey, look. I got three out of five. Not bad, right? Well, you might have put a dent in his golf swing. That's about it. I mean, this one just pissed him off. He returned fire and killed you. Muerto. Yeah, but you just got two. It's a good two, but two out of how many? I'm just saying, I got three out of five. Well, did it ever occur to you all my rounds went through the same two holes? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I don't think so. Not done. Head on a platter. Here. - Wow. (CHUCKLES) - Yeah. Hey, listen, I'm gonna go pay for these guns, OK? Oh, no, I can't let you buy me a gun. Plum, don't flatter yourself. She won't sell to you. You got no permit. You're paying me back. OK. Can I keep this? Hey, I was just about to call you. You will never believe where I am. I was just shooting a gun. How hot is that? - Where are you? - Sunny's. Ranger is teaching me how to shoot. He bought me a gun. Ranger? What is he, an action figure? I know, right? He's helping me with this bounty-hunter thing so I can nail Morelli. (CHUCKLES) Not NAIL Morelli. You know what I mean. - Yeah, I know. - What? He skipped bail. He's worth 50 grand. That's it. (SIGHS) What? OK, I just can't tell if you're actually in this for the money or if that's just a handy excuse to chase this guy down. Yeah, I can see where this is going, so I'm gonna hang up. I love you. If I'm looking for Morelli, I gotta start with his mom. I don't care if the Pope comes to the house and beats me with a stick - I will never forgive you. Not ever. I understand, Mrs Morelli, but Joe missed his court appearance. You understand nothing. Wait till you have a child and some stunad comes along in a car and breaks his leg that God gave him. Then maybe you can stand on my stoop and tell me you understand. OK, but maybe, uh... Maybe I could just give you my number, you know, and... A gun? Oh, Jesus, what is this world coming to? Does your mother know that you're carrying a gun, Stephanie Plum? (TUTS) That went well. (PHONE RINGS) The only other person who wants to find Joe Morelli more than I do... Hey, Eddie, what's up? ..is my old friend Eddie Gazarra. I like the new office. Moving up in the world, Eddie. Good for you. We both know why you called, so just get to the point. The point is I was on the receiving end of a baffling phone call which I am trying to understand. Hey, that's gonna leave a watermark. It's laminated, Eddie. It's like watering a fake plant. Relax. Well, maybe I'd relax better... Would you please get off my desk? Maybe I'd relax better if I didn't get a call from my wife. Shirley the whiner? Hey, that's my wife and your cousin, who herself got a call from Lucille Plum. Vinnie's wife? You people gotta stop gossiping. What is wrong with everybody? What's wrong is we're worried. You shouldn't be anywhere near the Morelli thing. I have as much right to go after Morelli as anybody. You don't know anything about the case. I know the victim's name is Ziggy Kulesza. I know he was shot by an off-duty Morelli. I know the judge posted bail at half a mill. I know Vinnie put the money up thinking, "Joe - he's not gonna screw me." Wrong, he skips - and as of yesterday, Morelli was holed up on the third floor of the Gold Cup factory with access to a borrowed car. So now he's probably long gone. - Proud of yourself? - Very. Oh, and I know he used a personal weapon. Hydra-Shok with a .45 - goes in like a BB, out like a potato. So...that's what I got. You're going after him, aren't you? Damn skippy. This is Morelli's statement. Merry Christmas and you're welcome. That's Carmen Sanchez. She's a working girl, mostly Stark Street. It says she called him for help. Yeah, Morelli got to her apartment, says Ziggy fired on him first. He's claiming self-defence. Trouble is, Carmen's not around to corroborate. It says there was another guy there. Yeah, we can't find him, either. And there's zero evidence Ziggy ever had a gun. It looks bad. Oh, OK, this'll work. Hookers, they always know something. Can you spare a dime? She look like my parole officer. Oh, I don't know. She ain't coming... Oh, hell. No. Don't go pretending to be on the phone. Answer your damn phone. Yeah, anyway, you'd see how fast the laws be changed if I was president. If I was the president, I'd be like, "This some change you can believe in." My mama's bipolar? (CHUCKLES) You would want her to be bipolar when she goes bipolar all over your you-know-what. - Excuse me. - I'm on the phone. I'm...I'm looking for a girl. Oh, no. You need to keep it moving. Yeah, we strictly dickly. But good luck, though. No, no, I mean... I'm looking for this girl. You know her? Carmen Sanchez. - OK, 'bye. - 'Bye. Finally, somebody give a shit about Carmen. I need to talk to her about, uh, about Joe Morelli. You want to talk about a cop? Look where you at. It's important. I really need to talk to him. Oh, girl. He got you knocked up. No! Well, I can't help you with the cop, but you want to know shit about Carmen, talk to the boyfriend. - (HORN HONKS) - (MAN YELLS) Yeah, uh-uh, you better not be thinking about asking her to go for a ride. You ask me. This is my corner, son. - Who's her boyfriend? - Benito Ramirez. Stark Street Gym. Hmm, just like that, huh? Giving out details to the white girl? No, no, it's good. I'm good. I promise. Trust me. Thank you. This gym right here? Thank you. What'd you do that for? But she... Girl was blocking my sign. MAN: Ah, come on, come on. Give it all you got, man. When I fought, we used brass knuckles and baseball bats, not these padded gloves, you nancies. Hey, girl scout, what happened, you lose your troop? Huh? Jimmy Alpha, proprietor. Single, Libra. How can I be of help? Stephanie Plum, recovery agent. Oh, a bounty hunter, huh? The quicker picker-upper. Uh-oh. Hey, Shawn! Shawn! One, one, elbow. Come on. Harder! I seen harder hits at a sweet-16 pillow fight. Is there somewhere else we could go to talk? Yeah, sure. Too much testosterone for you, officer? No, no. Not an officer. Not a cop. So, uh, Mr Alpha, I'm going after a guy named Joe Morelli. Yeah, well, I don't know him. That's the truth. Actually, Joe's not the guy I'm looking for. Yeah, but that's what you just said. How can I help if you're not being honest with me? He killed a guy named Ziggy Kulesza. Ziggy Kulesza. You know, when I first met him, I didn't know which name to make fun of first. What a ridiculous name, huh? And what a dirt bag. Tried to horn in on one of my deals with a fighter. - Benito Ramirez? - Yeah, Benito. You know, I took in Benito when he was just a kid, 14 years old. I gave him all my time, made sure he ate right, gave him a place to crash. Well, I'm looking for Benito's girlfriend, Carmen Sanchez. Alright, first you're looking for Morelli, then you're looking for Benito, and now you're looking for Carmen. If you're trying to confuse me, you're doing a great job. Just pick one. Carmen. Can I be honest with you? Sometimes I don't even know what to do with Benito. You know what I mean? Look, I wish I could be more help to you, but, uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. You know, I'd drop this if I were you. 'Cause these guys got a taste for violence which I personally don't condone, but what are you gonna do, know what I mean? Mr Ramirez? Get out. Who are you? I need to ask you a few questions. Then you need to step into my office. Does he need help? My name is Stephanie Plum. I'm a bond recovery agent. Pretty fancy title. (CHUCKLES) Wow. That's quite a grip. Uh, Jimmy Alpha told me to talk to you. You need me to beat the shit out of somebody? Uh, no. Thank you. That's a very nice offer, though. Um, I'm trying to find Carmen Sanchez. Then we have a lot to talk about. Let's go. - OK, uh... - What's your problem? You know, I'm supposed to be meeting Sergeant Gazarra down at the station, so I'm just gonna get going. Keep lying to me, I'll cut you up and sell you for parts. (SCREAMS) You OK? What the hell were you doing, huh? Looking for you. Yeah. Well, congratulations, you found me. You also blew my cover. Gotta stop grabbing at me! - Knock it off! - Jesus Christ! I am so close to blowing your head off, you don't even know. And who would blame me, huh? You shot an unarmed man, you skipped bail. (PANTS) Why are you still moving? 'Cause I don't think you're gonna shoot me. Think again, Morelli. I don't have to. You could've shot Ramirez back there. What did you do? You hit him with your pocketbook. I, on the other hand, have not provoked you in any way. As far as you're concerned, I am always provoked. Alright, correction. I have not provoked you recently, right? Steph...come on, will you? Would you please not shoot me? It's me. Would you please not shoot me? Fine. (SIGHS) Will you come into custody, then? - No. You're a lunatic. - Goddamn it, Joe! - You owe me. - Oh, I owe you, huh? How do you figure? I saved your ass back there. Saved my ass? I was fine. I had it handled. The guy's been charged with rape three times, and all three times he walked 'cause the vics disappear. Yeah, so consider your ass saved. You're watching Ramirez? Why? - (SIGHS) You kidding me? - I gave you my gun. Come on. Give me something. Oh, I'll give you something. Give me something I can use. (SIGHS) Alright, you got one question 'cause I feel sorry for you. Hurry up, make it good. Who's Carmen? She's my informant. And? And in exchange for information, I protect her. I need to know what happened. I owe her that. I think Ramirez made her disappear. I had been watching from across the street, trying to get a read on it, until you came along and I had to blow the whole place up. Here, don't monkey around with that. (CHUCKLES) That sweatshirt makes you look like the Unabomber. Yeah, what can I say? I'm a wanted man. - (CRASH!) - Shit! Oh, crap. Who broke my window? Huh? Hey, keep your voice down. Hey, so, uh, I gave you one question back there, right? How come you didn't ask if I'm innocent? That's for the jury, Joe. I'm just here to collect. (CHUCKLES) Catch me if you can, cupcake. Oh, I think I can. We'll see about that. (SIRENS WAIL) I'm 12 minutes late for dinner, which means my mother is probably listening for sirens. - I'm starving. - Great. I made a ziti and a turkey with pineapple upside-down cake, your favourite. Something's up. What's Bernie Kuntz doing here? Did you guys buy a new TV? He told his mother his biological clock is ticking. Ma! - Hey, Bernie. - Hey, Steph. Long time, right? Yeah, a couple of years at least. How you been? - Oh, good, good. You? - Great. - I like your hair. - Oh, thanks. It's just the same as always. I like always, so... 1 - This is real good, Mrs Plum. - Thank you. So, how's the appliance business, Bernie? Booming. Stephanie started a new job. Oh! Mmm. - Yeah, I did. I just got a gun. - (LAUGHS) She's kidding. BERNIE: Oh. - Oh! - Ma! - A five-shot. Good for you. - Thanks. Well, good for you, Steph. Yeah. I'm doing the bounty-hunter thing. We're going after Joe Morelli. Didn't you run him over with a car? Ugly rumour. Never happened. Morelli? (CHUCKLES) Really? I knew the guy he shot. Ziggy something, right? Ziggy Kulesza. Yeah, that's right. Well, I didn't 'know him' know him. I sold him a plasma for the Super Bowl. I used to see him playing the numbers at the butcher's across the street. Yeah? Which butcher shop? Sal's. Does a real good business. You know, the gurus at CNBC say foot traffic's dead. All's I know, I hang a sign in my window, all the guys making book at Sal's buy their TVs and whatnot from me. - Put the gun away, Ma! - On account of the signage. I don't know why I even try. - (SHRIEKS) - Whoa! Now look what you did! - She belongs in a home. - Frank! Shot that sucker in the gumpy. It's like fireworks, huh? Made of meat. MRS PLUM: Look at you! Didn't the two of you, like, at the bakery, have a little... It was high school. I'm going after him for the money, period. Nothing else. Dolly, honey, you lack vision. All in all, Bernie handled the evening pretty well. He hadn't wet his pants when Grandma Mazur shot the turkey's pecker off and he'd given me a clue to help catch Morelli. Ziggy Kulesza was a scumbag, a gambler and a crook. Not that I knew what to do with this information, but at least it's something. - (MUTTERS) Crap. - (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Someone needs to shut you up, sew up that pretty little mouth. How'd you get this number? You want something bad enough, you figure out a way to get it. It's not like I can call the police. They already think I'm in over my head. Yeah, well, I'm not gonna lie. It's not good that he's calling you, but it is good that he's riled up. It means he'll get sloppy. That's easy for you to say. You probably know the Vulcan grip. All I know how to do is swing a purse. Where do people even learn how to do stuff like this? On the fly, babe. There we go. Alright, you are looking for anything that says this guy's got a lifestyle beyond his means or links him to Ziggy. And my guess is it's already picked clean but you never know. Good luck. - You're not coming in? - No, no, no. Someone always has to have the other one's back, OK? Always. STEPHANIE: It's easy for me to imagine Morelli at home, taking showers, paying bills, breaking hearts. It's just junk. Junk. - Nothing. - Damn. I knew it. Wow. Plum, that is some grim shit. Right. It's kinda hard to blend in a car like that. Once you're seen, you're seen. Which is why... Let's see what we got, Joe. (HORN HONKS) - Ooh. An Explorer. Neat. - I didn't see a thing. - Alright then. - Alright. (LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYS) Solid. (SIGHS) Oh, man. Crap. I need cash. OK, yes, it's gonna take longer than I thought to get Morelli, but I need to bring someone in, I need money. Let's see what I got. Clarence Sampson. Got drunk as a lord and stole a police cruiser. Take a tour of the bars on Stark. He's in one of them right now. Easy money. There's, like, 1,000 bars on Stark. That'll take forever. I need fast money, not easy money. Well, it's not gonna come knocking on your door, hon. Ooh, wait. This one might. William Earling, exhibitionist. He got kicked out of two retirement homes for flashing his junk. He lives in your building. Yeah, Mr Earling, he lets me use his old newspapers for my hamster's cage. He's a perv? (GASPS) Whoa. - (CACKLES) - OK, that's bold. - Thank you. Got this one. - Yep. (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY) Well...hello there. (LAUGHS) Hey, Mr Earling. I'm here because I work for your bond agent and you missed your court appearance. So maybe you could throw on a robe or something, and we could go get you a new court date? Court date? Yes. A robe? No. I was born naked, I'm gonna die naked. And everything in between - naked. Dispatch, please? Yeah, I got an FTA here and I'm requesting aid with the transfer of custody. Thanks. Well...I'm not too sure what happens now, Mr Earling, and I feel really bad about that. - Oh, no, no. Not that bad. - (HORN HONKS) Put it away. - (HORN HONKS) - What?! It's still red. What are you beeping at? Oh, crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap. Are you freaking nuts? This is my car. Yeah? Well, call the cops. This is my... Oh, godammit! This is my vehicle! It's mine for the time, Morelli. Suck it. Oh, my God. Is that guy naked? He'd better be wearing pants. You'd better be wearing pants, pal. Oh, lighten up, son. Fresh air is good for the boys. Hey, we're headed to the police station now, so if you wanna follow us there, that'd be great. It would make my job a lot easier. - Open the door. - I gotta go. - Great to see you. - Get out. - See you soon. - Hey! Get out! Take this to his bondsman. He'll cut you a cheque. I was hoping for cash but this'll do. Hey, Plum, can't get Morelli naked so you're settling for him? What is wrong with you? This ain't no booby prize, pally. See you later, Mr Earling. STEPHANIE: Sure, I had to see an old guy's twig and berries, but at least it bought me a meal that didn't come in a Lunchables box. - Hey. You want a meatball? - No. Look at this. William Earling, my first FTA. Oh. Nice job, babe. You know it's gonna be a lot harder to take down Morelli, though, right? I mean, he's a good cop, probably a better felon. What is it with you two anyway? Nothing. Sold him a cannoli in high school. Honey, half the women in Jersey sold Joe Morelli their cannoli. So, I mean, you're riding around in Morelli's car, learning how to shoot guns, chasing him down like a dog. That's...that's a lotta chi to be spending on nobody. Cannoli? (BUZZING) Yeah. I gotta bounce. Duty calls. Wait. I owe you some of this for the gun. No, no. Pay me back when you're rolling in it. You know he's gonna try and steal his car back, right? Oh, I'm counting on it. 1 - Hey. - Hey. - This is a manly car. - I commandeered it. Oh, she stole it. Look, any word on Carmen yet? I'm working on it. Hey, have you guys seen an old tan van sneaking around here lately? No. Would you QUIT giving it away for free? You just wanna roll up and start asking questions? Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. I heard you was a bounty hunter. You make a lot of money doing that? 10% of the bond. Hey, we should change our profession! (LAUGHS) You know what? If you want more information from Lula, you gotta bring her a snack. - Done. - Alright. Bye, girl. Alright. I'll see you guys soon. - Bye-bye. - 'Bye. Lula. A snack? You're always complaining. It's hot. I'm hungry. Ooh. STEPHANIE: Here's a Jersey survival tip - when you remove someone's master fuse, they can't start their car. (THUNDER RUMBLES) Once Morelli sticks his head under the hood, I'm gonna take him down with my pepper spray. It's gonna be awesome. - (THUNDER RUMBLES) - This sucks. (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Hello, darling. How long till you're here? I can't come, Gram. I'm busy. (WHISPERS) Hey, she says she's busy. - Put her on the box. - No! Gram, don't put me on speaker. Everybody yells when you...put me on speaker. I'm making a nice big pot of stuffed cabbages. You should come home for dinner. Work, Ma. You're still chasing after Morelli, huh? This time I'm waiting for him to come to me. (LAUGHS) She's gonna be waiting a long time. I'm still on the phone, Gram, I can hear you. (SNIGGERS) Oh! Of course. He sends his cousin. (CAR WHINES) (MUTTERS) That's disgusting. Stupid, useless, stupid... I want my car and I want it now. Godammit, Morelli! Your car?! God, I thought you were Ramirez. I thought you were here to kill me. Jesus! I want the keys, the master fuse, all of it. Now. Oh, God. Go to hell. Kinda already there. Quit looking at my tits. Oh, come on! Ow! Actually, I was looking at your hands. - I'm gonna lose my towel. - Wish I could stick around. STEPHANIE: I'll be honest - and trust me - I'm not proud of this but I fantasised about being handcuffed naked in front of Joe Morelli once. OK, maybe twice. You don't have a car because you have too many damn shoes! Three words - grand theft auto. Yeah? Like I said, why don't you call the police, huh? You know what I don't get? How does a person eat like you eat and look like you look? Oh. You know what I don't get? Why you can't just come right out and say it? "You look great, Steph." "Gee, thanks, Joe." Cheez Balls? Are you kidding me? No keys in here. You haven't seen a master fuse around, have you? Hey. Why are you messing with my Tastykakes, huh? Why did you take my vehicle? To draw you out. Obviously it worked. You're naked and shivering in a tub. You're not capable of drawing me out, Plum. So just remember that. You know what? Keep the wheels, I don't give a shit. No! Joe! No! But I am taking the towel. No, that's cruel. You can have it back. - Dammit, Joe! - Sorry. - Just leave it there for you. - Great. Thanks. - You look great, by the way. - Gee, thanks, Joe. (DOOR SLAMS) (WHISPERS) Crap. STEPHANIE: If I call my mother, she'll just send my father and, well, that would be awkward. Come on, now. Come on. There's only one person I know who would have a handcuff key and could be here in 10 minutes. (BUZZES) Sorry, fellas. - Are you in danger? - Sort of. Not exactly. I'm busy. I'm naked. Er, I'll be right there. - How'd he get in? - Picked the lock. - How'd you get in? - Picked the lock. Oh. Really? I'm that easy? Vulnerable's more like it. Look, get yourself a couple of dead bolts, lock that shit up. - Thank you. - Yep. (DOOR SLAMS) STEPHANIE: So that's two guys in one night that have seen me naked and walked away. Should I be worried? Eddie, thanks for coming. Make it quick. I only got a sec. - Yeah. - What the hell's that? - Hey, that's my... - Thank you. Yeah. SOC? "Scene of the crime?" (LAUGHS) Someone's watching too much TV. A lot of stuff going on right around Shaw. This is where Carmen lives. She's missing. She gets an 'X'. Ziggy's dead. He gets an 'X'. And over here is Stark Street Gym... Jesus Christ, you teaching me how to be a cop? No. Because I don't think being a cop is all that hard. You got more resources. Being a bounty hunter, on the other hand, another story. Anyway, I'm noticing a pattern. What, you're dragging me over here... You know what? I got work to do. A lot of 'X's piling up on Shaw. Just sayin'. Either way, no-one's talking to the cops down there. Good thing I'm not a cop. STEPHANIE: If Eddie wasn't gonna follow the 'X's, I was. And they led right to Carmen's apartment - the scene of the crime. (HORN HONKS) What, think we're gonna steal your car? It's not even mine. Knock yourself out. (HORN HONKS TWICE) (CLICK!) STEPHANIE: Carmen, Morelli's missing informant. Funny, no pictures of the boyfriend. Maybe she didn't like Ramirez that much after all. Hey, you think you own the place? Huh? Stupid truck. That's a pretty fancy truck for this neighbourhood. (CREAKING) Hey, buddy. He yours? My daughter's. I'm babysitting. You shouldn't be in here, papito. You too. Me neither. None of us should be in here. Can I ask you some questions about the night Carmen disappeared? I don't know anything. Oh, well, actually I'm going after the cop who shot down our man. I still don't know anything. But I know someone who does. (MAN COUGHS AND SNIFFS) (MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY) - Talk to her. - (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS) Mmm. No. She's going after the cop. So, around the corner I got a bottle of whisky, a bag of ice, half an ounce of Kush, yeah. I'm all about chill, huh? When BANG! (GUNSHOT) Gun! And I'm like, "Oh, shit." And that's when I see what's-his-face, um...um... - Morelli? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cop, right? Yeah. And he's standing there with his gun and shit. And I'm, like, boom with my bottle of Jack, right at the cop's head, right? And then, um, that's when the flat-nosed guy came up, right? No, wait, wait. What do you mean? What flat-nosed guy? The flat-nosed guy. Oh, my God, dude. Dude flew by me like a freaking snow leopard, right. He couldn't wait to get out of there when he heard the freaking sirens. - That's when the cops came? - Yeah. One more question - the guy with the bullet in his head, gun or no gun? - No gun. - OK, one more question. - OK, you already said that. - I know. Did you see Carmen Sanchez at all that night? I mean, at all? - No, nothing. - OK. One more question. OK, you gotta stop saying that, please. Oh, God, I know. The snake? Cabo. Wasted. - Woke up and it was there. - Ooh. What are you gonna do? It's harsh, I know. - (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, sorry. Just one second. - OK. - What's up? - What you doing? Making ravioli in my high heels. What are you doing? Got an FTA for you. Ready to have some fun? - Tell her, 'Yes!' - You can hear that? (WHISPERS) Ninja ears. Whoo. CONNIE: Lonnie Dodd. Expect a scene out of 'Cops'. Skinny, shirtless, track marks. Got it. I got a call in to Ranger for backup. - I got this. - I know, but just in case. Hey! Hey! You talkin' to Steph? She got any luck with Morelli? What's happening with that? - Hey, Connie. Connie? - Mm-mm. Mm-mm. How come you never listen to me? All you do is that. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) (MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY) - Who are you? - Stephanie Plum. Plum? Like Vincent Plum? Get outta here. Whoa. No, hold on! Really? Truly. In that case, come on in. - My gun. - My gun. Crap! Hey! Come on, now, Lonnie. Nice and easy. Alright, you know the drill. No mountains, no molehills. You and me, we're gonna go inside, grab your shirt. You're coming with me. STEPHANIE: 125 pounds of angry female can do a lot of damage. - (GROANS) - Clothesline, bitch! - (GROANS) - Oh, yeah, saw that on TV. STEPHANIE: OK, 130, tops. Ranger, when did you get here? About 30 seconds before your hillbilly shot me. What?! Yeah. Wait a second. Is that your gun? STEPHANIE: I totally get now why he's always wearing Kevlar. - Yeah. - Jesus. Here, cuff this guy. I'm so, so sorry. - That's OK. - Not you! Got it? Here. Now, look, I already called 911. There's a squad car on the way. - (PHONE BUZZES) - Yep, and I gotta bounce. Got a date with a bad guy. Good luck, Plum. - Thank you! - Yeah. - Sorry. - Sure. No, I don't think you understand. He got shot with the gun he bought me! You're hyperventilating. Steph, you should relax. Get yourself a little snack or something. A snack? That's your advice? That's always my advice. STEPHANIE: A snack wasn't a bad idea, actually. And as long as I was there, I grabbed one for Lula too. - Ooh. - Ice-cold. - MAN: Yo! - (HORN HONKS) Hey! What you want? I'm talkin' to my friend here! Go around! Go around! Now, what was your question, sweetie? Look, I don't wanna get anybody in trouble... What kinda game you playin'? Say the first thing that comes to mind, that's all. Just the first thing. - Truck, orange, with a stripe. - Step away, Lula. - Don't. No, don't s... - Ramirez. - Damn! - God, I knew it. God Almighty, would you please stop talking to this girl?! - I think I piss her off. - That's just her. You know, we got this good cop/bad cop thing goin', except we're hookers. - Stop talking! - (SIGHS) Go away, bee. This ain't your hive. - You see? - Yeah. - (PHONE RINGS) - Give me a second. - Hey. - Hey. You talk to a guy named Cho this morning? He was the first one on the scene. The guy's a real riot. Why? Uh, your boy just took a dive from a four-storey window. I heard it on the scanner. Hold on a second. (SCUFFLING OVER PHONE) Get off me! (GROANS) Anyway, it might have been an accident. No. Absolutely not. Somebody killed him. Yeah, it also might've been punishment for talking to you. You gotta stay sharp, Plum. You got enemies you can't see and you need to lay low. - Are you listening to me? - I am. I am. I gotta run. Oh. Alright. Well, thank you. Sure, no problem. See you soon. STEPHANIE: I'd been on the job three days and I'd already been attacked by a psychopathic fighter, I'd gotten Ranger shot, and now Cho was dead. On top of all that, I was nowhere close to finding Carmen or bringing in Morelli. Mmm. No? Later, then. (PHONE RINGS) (TYRES SCREECH, CAR APPROACHES) Oh, Lula! Lula. Oh, Lula. God, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna get you help, OK? Hey! Hey, somebody help me! You been here all day waiting for MRIs and shit. Go home. You got better things to do than to wait for Lula's Jurassic ass to be discharged. Oh. Look at this fool. Look, I just...I just wanna apologise for him, OK? I don't like when this sorta thing happens, you know? I mean, the way he treats women, I don't know what's the matter with him. I knew he was crazy. I just didn't know he was psycho. I don't think we're the ideal audience to be complaining to. - (DOOR OPENS) - Oh, Jesus. Lula, I'm so sorry. I mean, nobody told me. Did he break anything? Here, these are for you. Look, I'll pay for all the bills. Oh, Jimmy Alpha. Take these stink-ass flowers! No, you gave 'em to me. - She's gonna be fine. - Oh, yeah. Look, I'm not excusing him or nothing, but just take a day before you press charges, alright? He can't take another assault charge, is all I'm saying. You call me. But if he bothers you or anything, you call me. You call me right away, OK? - Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Alright, help me on up. - Alright. - OK, let me... - Oh, watch my arm. - OK. OK. OK. - OK. - Alright. - Just watch your step. - Get some rest. - Alright. See y'all later. STEPHANIE: This may have started with Morelli and the 50 grand, but it wasn't about that anymore. Now it's personal. You gotta put some guys on Stark. Ramirez just beat the hell out of a friend of mine. He killed John Cho and Rosa Gomez is next, Eddie. She's got a little kid with her. You gotta do something. Nobody killed John Cho. He was a garden-variety pothead. No known associates, not even a blip on the radar. He was smart and funny. He saw the whole thing go down. He talked to me, Eddie. And he's dead! - Calm down. - How are you not seeing this? Rosa Gomez is next, mark my words. They talk, they die. Do something! (GUN CLICKS) (GLASS SHATTERS IN APARTMENT) STEPHANIE: If he's comin' after me, I'm lookin' for a fight. (STEPHANIE CAREFULLY TURNS LOCK) - It's OK, Plum. - (GASPS THEN SIGHS) I, er...I need your help. You look like you could eat somethin'. Come on. Hmm. (SNIFFS) Sorry, bro. Wow. Nicely done. Thank you. Well, it's all you had in there. That and, er, Halloween candy. Your hamster eats better than you. - Not tonight, he doesn't. - (LAUGHS) Not tonight. You got a 9 millimetre Glock? Yeah. Service pistol. - You still got it? - Well, I'm still a cop. Can't take it away if they can't find me. It's just a matter of time. You know that, right? The villagers are lightin' their torches. It doesn't hurt that you're a dead-or-alive proposition. Whew. Wow. There it is, huh? There's no evidence that anyone was shooting at you. No bullets in the walls, the door jambs. No powder on Ziggy's hands, no gun. No-one left alive to say one way or another. - What do you expect? - I don't expect anything. What I want is to find Ziggy's gun to prove it misfired. But it's kinda hard with a pile of cash tied to my tail, you know what I'm sayin'? Look, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you don't wanna share the reward or the credit with anybody else. I can help you with that. I'm listening. Well, the only person with ties to both Carmen and Ziggy is Ramirez. Alright? Everyone else is dead. Well, no, there was one other guy, but... Didn't happen to have a flat nose, did he? Oh. Shit, Plum. Nice. We gotta draw Ramirez out. Oh, that's a big 'we'. I'm not gonna be bait so you can move out of your van, Joe. Er, no offence, but you can't bring me in without my cooperation. I'm bigger, stronger and a lot meaner than you. Plus, you know, I'd rather be shot than go in before I'm ready. So...you need my help with this, Plum. Believe it. (SIGHS) 50,000 changes my world. Alright, I'm in. But I think we both know that the, er, money's secondary. Keep flapping your lips. I'm in it for the cash. Oh! That's a lie! It's a lie. You see that little vein in your neck? It's pulsin'. You wanna be the one. It's OK, you can admit it. Ancient history. Like the pyramids, baby. 1 You look like hell, by the way. I've been waiting a long time to say that and mean it. Wanna say it again? Nah. You'll have to take a bath. I don't have a shower curtain. You can stay here if you want. No-one's been this nice to me in a long, long time. I know. (SIGHS) OK. Goodnight. 'Night. (SIGHS) (BIRDS CHIRP) Yo! (KICKS BED) Rise and shine, bad-ass. Did you sleep? Yeah, like a rock. Yeah, me too. Stand up and lift your shirt. Wow. Not even a 'please', huh? Actually, uh, just take it off. - Please. - (SCOFFS) Come on. It's strictly professional. Yeah. Look. It's a wire, OK? It's our best option. Pretty bra. Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) Best option for what? Uh, best option in case someone starts talking - we have it on tape. 'Cause, you know, for whatever reason, people talk to you. God knows why. Uh, stand still, will you? I highly doubt anybody's gonna come out and incriminate themselves to me on tape. I'm not just miking you to record you. Excuse me. I'm doing it so I can hear you... ..so I know you're safe. Alright, you're all set. (SHARP KNOCKING AT DOOR) - Who knows I'm here? - No-one. I swear to God. Whoever it is, get rid of them. Hello. I'm Morty Beyers. May I come in for a second? Uh, actually I was, um... Yeah, sure. - Thank you. - Mm-hm. - Am I intruding? - No. God, no. Well, I, uh... I need my files back. The Morelli skip was mine. That's my payday. But they gave it to me, so... Yeah, because I was sick, but now I'm better. - Huh. - A tiny little scar. No stitches. Laparoscopic. They stick a camera right down in there. It's...it's quite something. That's great. So here's the deal. I'm taking Morelli. Vinnie's not gonna care which one of us brings him in. But I care, and I can't help but notice that his Explorer is parked down there. I'm just trying to draw him out. Oh, that's smart, very smart. How's that working for you? Nothing yet, but, uh... Got eyes on him? A couple of times, down on Stark. I'm asking you nice. - I need you to, uh, step away. - Yeah, I can't do that. That's funny 'cause last I heard you were selling underpants at Macy's. You're not really exactly qualified, are you? Well, then, you should have nothing to worry about, right? OK, I was just leaving anyway. - Well, thanks for stopping in. - Sure. And no hard feelings when I... when I bring him in? Nah, no hard feelings. Well, that's good 'cause you never had a shot anyway. Nice. That was weird. Check your purse. I think he took your keys. Oh, dammit! He did. (CAR HORN TOOTS) Ohh! God's gonna get you for this, Morty Beyers! Screw God! Oh! STEPHANIE: Well, I told him. They blew up our car. Excuse me. Whose car? Your car. Do you want it back? (GROWLS) Poor Morty. STEPHANIE: Obviously, I realise that the chances of this being an accident were slim and that the chances of it being meant for me were large. You think Morty Beyers was roasted in Morelli's car because he pissed off God? It's just a theory, one of many. Kidding aside, you do realise that Morty Beyers was not the intended here? Have you given it any thought? Building on the corner of Shaw and Liming, up in flames, four-alarm. - That's Rosa Gomez. - Let's go. - STEPH: I'll meet you there. - OK. No, ma'am, you can't go in there. - STEPHANIE: Eddie! - Let her through. Alright, go on. STEPHANIE: I was in a panic on the drive over until Eddie called to tell me he'd moved Rosa and Carmen's kid out the night before. They were safe. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Hello. - Where the hell are you, Plum? Oh, Carmen's building. It's a real mess up here. Lot of cops around. Anyone you want me to say hi to? - Who you talking to? - My grandma. She loves a good bombing. What are you gonna do? - OK, one mile tops. - What are you talking about? Your transmitter. If I can't hear you, I can't help you. We gotta stay within a mile of each other. I gotta burn this phone after this call. I can't get a new one. You gotta keep letting me know where you are. If you gotta know, I'm headed over to Bernie Kuntz's Home and Hardware to pick up a new shower curtain 'cause some asshole ruined mine. OK, OK, that's close. Meet me over on Stark when you're done playing house with Bernie. Oh, boy, I can't wait. OK, nice talking to you too. Molotov cocktail into the apartment. I want you to know you saved two people by being a screaming lunatic. Thanks, Eddie. I told you, huh? I'm always right. You should know this by now. OK, let's have a little listen to you here. (MUZAK VERSION OF 'HABANERA' FROM 'CARMEN' BY BIZET PLAYS) It's a nice array of shower curtains there, huh? Yeah, you got quite a selection. Most women gravitate toward the florals, but I'm thinking you're more chequerboard or solids. (CHUCKLES) This guy kills me. It's nice to see you. How you doing? Good. It's nice to see you too. I got, uh, sliding doors. Yeah, chicks love sliding doors, Bernie. My guest bath, same deal. It's real nice at my place. Oh, yeah, Sallie's getting the fresh catch. Hey, you should go over there and get yourself a nice piece of fish. Mm-hm. A friend of Ziggy's, if you remember me saying. Yeah, yeah, I do remember. So what's it gonna be, chequerboard or... STEPHANIE: This was the flat-nosed guy... Holy crap. ..the only witness that could prove Ziggy had a gun and Morelli wasn't a murderer. - Huh? - The, uh... Oh, uh, I'm going with the flowers. OK, I'll ring it up if you want or... Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'll be right back. Good, yeah. Come on back, come on back. I am sweaty. Hey, Morelli, I think I found your missing witness at Sal's butcher shop. The guy's a cop! Get over there, Steph. STEPHANIE: Playing it cool is not my strong suit, but I cannot blow this. (DOORBELL RINGS) That flounder is just in. Good to know, good to know. So you, uh, must be Sal. Sal's on Hancock. - That's where we are. - That's me. Alright, I got it, Plum. Don't make it obvious. - You a big cook? - Huge. - (SCOFFS) Liar. - Yeah. Hey, I got a delivery. You want it in the locker? Yeah, yeah, but go through the back, would you? Christ Almighty, these guys... Where were we? Uh, cod. It's better than haddock - not as good as the sea bass. - Hm. Who's that? - Who's who? That guy that just walked by, you know, with the flat nose. Louis or something. He works for a distributor in Philly. Hang on a second. Hey, when you're finished, there's two barrels back there by the door. One's heavy so use a dolly, roll it, whatever it takes. Just get it out of here, alright? What's he taking? What's in the barrels? Who's asking? You know, I'm gonna just go with that flounder. It looks pretty good. Morelli, you better be listening. Where are you? You better get that crappy van in gear because your flat-nosed guy is loading barrels on to a truck as we speak. - Get here. - OK. OK, he's... he's closing up the shop. SAL: Let's go. Move it. Oh, he's getting in the truck with Flat Nose. You getting any of this, Joe? Huh? I'm gonna follow him. I hope you're with me. 1 We're heading west on Junction 78. Hey. Move! STEPHANIE ON WIRE: We're getting off at exit four. (THROUGH STATIC) Joe, you better be following me. I'm losing you, Steph. - (STATIC CRACKLES) - Argh! Found them. They parked the truck at the Pachetko Marina. I don't see anybody, though. (SIGHS) Jesus, Morelli. You really couldn't have picked up another phone? (INSECTS CHIRP) (TENSE MUSIC) - You should've waited for me. - Jesus, Morelli! God! It's a drop boat, isn't it? Yeah. You see that? That's heroin. So Sal's boat was moving heroin? No, Sal's boat was moving icing sugar. What do you think? God, you don't have to be an asshole about it. - Don't be stupid about it. - I'm not being stupid. - I've never seen heroin before. - Use your brain. - Clearly you have. - Of course it's heroin. I just said, "That's heroin." (GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE) It's the truck. (WHISPERS) Let's go. These are the barrels they hauled out of the butcher shop. Oh! Oh, God. Oh, God. Don't puke. You'll wreck the crime scene. (EXHALES) OK. Let's call the police. No, not yet. Dammit, Morelli, we had a deal. You were gonna let me bring you into custody once we found the missing witness. In case you didn't notice, my missing witness is dead and I'm pretty sure Carmen is too so unless you find Ziggy's gun somewhere... ..I'm fresh out of luck. Now give me some light, please. - STEPHANIE: Ohh! - Whoa! Oh God. Ohh... - Carmen? - MORELLI: Yeah. Her body was at Sal's this whole time? Must have been trying to dump the body when they got shot. OK, that's it. I'm calling the police. Oh, Jesus, Stephanie! Come on. I AM the police... Oh! Jesus. Oh, God. - Is that Ramirez? - Yeah. - Oh, that's just great. - (CHUCKLES) Ohh! Oh, crap. Ooh! (GRUNTS) I've got a gun! I forgot. I've got a gun. - (BOTH GRUNT AND YELL) - OK, lipstick, Tastykake... - Stephanie, do something. - Arggh! I'm looking for my gun! I know it's here. Oh, I found it. OK. Uh, can you move a little? Shoot him! No, you're sort of in the way. I can't get a clear shot. - I'm not comfortable with this. - You're not comfortable? I don't like this. You know what? I got something better. - Better for who? - Hold on. - I'm finding it. - Stephanie... Ohh! - I got it. Hold on! - Quick! Close your eyes, Morelli. - (STEPHANIE SHRIEKS) - Arggh! Ohh! - MORELLI: Ohh... - Oh. - (MOANS) - You alright? Wow. Pepper spray, huh? That was nice. - Thanks. - Yeah, you're welcome. Uh...OK. Uh, I got this. You find the guns. Guns. OK. Huh. Alright, big boy. Oh, Jimmy! Mr Alpha, thank God you're here. Your guy, Ramirez... Morelli and I came down here and we just heard a couple of shots and I'm pretty sure he killed these two people. We just got here and found them... (GUN CLICKS) Alright, Bo Peep, here. I want you to go cuff Officer Romeo over there. Come on. To the rail. Come on, now! Come on, come on. Hurry up. What are you doing? Right, now move away. Good, good, good, good. Alright, so this guy walks into a gym, and it's Ziggy Kulesza and he says to me... He says, "Hey, you could make a ton of money moving heroin." I'm thinking, "Absolutely not, man. "You don't know me from Adam, but I'm a decent guy, always trying to do the right thing." But I gotta do what I gotta do to hang in there. Now I'm in charge of money, Ziggy's in charge of dope, we get Ramirez to enforce... All of a sudden we get wind Carmen is talking to the cop. The dirty little rotten whore, she knew better. I know she called for help that night, but you should've stayed at home 'cause she was already dead when you got there. You know that, right? So I'm gonna tell you two how this is gonna go down, OK? My boy Ramirez here is gonna come to... Come on, Ramirez. Come on, get up. ..and he's gonna rough you guys up a little. Actually, he's gonna rough you up a lot. Then I'm gonna finish everybody off - lots of prints, lots of guns. I'm gonna pin it on him and the great thing about it is I'm gonna walk out a hero. You got that? What? What's the matter? You're not feeling so good no more, beautiful, huh? - You wanna use the can, huh? - Oh! (GRUNTS) You OK? Ohh... Jesus, Steph, you've been hit. Oh, thanks, Einstein. You know, uh, that's too bad 'cause it was a pretty nice ass. Morelli, you gotta come up with some better material. I think you're gonna make it, cupcake. Come over here and help me out of this, will you? Steph? What? Cuffs? Steph? Stephanie? Plum! No, don't you even think about it. Steph, no! No, no, no. No, no! Open the door! (TRAIN HORN BLARES) (BANGS AND YELLS INDISTINCTLY) Oh, you had it coming, cupcake! (SIGHS) STEPHANIE: I had to leave Alpha because I didn't have the stomach to drag him in the cab with me and there was no way I was opening that truck door again. I figured if Ramirez woke up Joe would have the upper hand. Plus, it might be good for him to channel all that rage... Dispatch, please. ..into someone other than me. - WOMAN: Dispatch. - Yeah. I got two dead bodies, a hit man, an FTA and a bullet in my ass. I'm requesting aid with the transfer. I got Joe Morelli. (ROCK'N'ROLL MUSIC) Fortunately, Alpha's bullet only tore through some unnecessary butt fat so I can enjoy my victory lap without too much pain. A meat truck? - I got bad luck with cars. - (BANGING IN TRUCK) Here you go - Joe Morelli, armed and very pissed. MAN: Alright. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - (YELLS ERRATICALLY) What is wrong with you, huh? Jesus Christ! What did you lock me in a truck full of dead bodies for? $50,000. I told you a million times. And you handcuffed me to my shower rod, naked. (ALL MUTTER AND CHUCKLE) Payback sucks. Sack up, Morelli. It's not over. - No? - No. Can't wait to see what you got. Enjoy your perp walk. - Back soon, baby! - Uh-huh, uh-huh. For what it's worth, a wire. Jimmy Alpha confessed. Morelli's clean. But keep him on ice a while, will you? Let him cool his boots. Jeez, he's so mad. (GROOVY MUSIC) - I could've taken a cab. - No, babe, come on. You got shot. The universe owes you a fly ride home. Ooh, yeah. I am starving. You know, the hospital gave me oatmeal and juice. - Can you believe that? - Hmph. Five clean shots to Jimmy Alpha's heart. Five. Man, that's not easy to do. I'm impressed. The medical examiner sends his regards, by the way. - So Ramirez? - Oh, he spilled his guts. He'll be a big hit in prison. What about Morelli? Mm, he's out and about. Ziggy's gun was found under Carmen's body, Ziggy's prints were frozen on it, proves he was armed when Morelli shot him, a clean kill. - He'll be coming after me next. - Nah. - (THUD!) - Oh! Getting shot is a bitch. Yeah. Getting stabbed is worse. I'm just saying. You look pretty good for someone who just got shot. - Alright, here we go. - Thank you. Mwah! "For someone who just got shot?" What is that? She looks good. End of story. You don't add on, "For someone who just got shot." - It wrecks the compliment. - STEPHANIE: For real, Vin. Yeah, somebody needs to teach Mr Bondsman some manners. STEPHANIE: I guess the interview went well. Oh, yeah, girl. Mr Plum needed some assistance. Oh, this is gonna be good. Don't spend that all in one place. Whatever you say, Vinnie. - Hey, Steph. - Yeah? I hear Morelli's looking for you. Oh, yeah? I heard he was out. That's good. That's good for him. This is gonna be interesting, huh? Hey, get back to work. Go. Hey. Get back to work, both of you. Go. Go. Come on. Jeez. Now I got two of them. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Plum. Morelli. I, uh... ..I saw this and thought of you. (UPBEAT MUSIC) STEPHANIE: OK, if he can let go of a grudge, so can I. Plus, I'm not gonna say no to a cupcake. SONG: # Oh, this is how it starts # Lightning strikes the heart # It goes off like a gun # Brighter than the sun # Oh, we could be the stars # Falling from the sky # Shining how we want # Brighter than the sun # Stop me on the corner # Swear you hit me like a vision # I...I...I wasn't expecting # But who am I to tell fate # Where it's supposed to go with it? # Don't you blink You might miss it # See, we got a right to just love it or leave it # You find it and keep it # 'Cause it ain't every day you get the chance to say # Oh, this is how it starts # Lightning strikes the heart # It goes off like a gun # Brighter than the sun # Oh, we could be the stars # Falling from the sky # Shining how we want # Brighter than the sun # I've never seen it # But I found this love I'm gonna feed it # You better believe I'm gonna treat it # Better than anything I've ever had # 'Cause you're so damn beautiful # Read it # It's signed and delivered Let's seal it # Boy, we go together like # Peanuts and paydays Marley and reggae # And everybody needs to get a chance to say # Oh, this is how it starts # Lightning strikes the heart # It goes off like a gun # Brighter than the sun # Oh, we could be the stars # Falling from the sky # Shining how we want # Brighter than the sun # Everything is like a white-out # 'Cause we shika-shika shine down # Even when the When the light's out # But I can see you glow # Got my head up in the rafters # Got me happy ever after # Never felt this way before # Ain't felt this way before # Swear you hit me like a vision # I...I...I wasn't expecting # But who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go? # Oh, this is how it starts # This is how it starts # Lightning strikes the heart # Lightning strikes the heart # It goes off like a gun brighter than the sun # Oh, we could be the stars falling from the sky # Falling from the sky # Shining how we want brighter than the sun # Oh, this is how it starts # This is how it starts # Lightning strikes the heart # Lightning strikes the heart # It goes off like a gun brighter than the sun # Oh, we could be the stars # Falling from the sky # Shining how we want # Shining how we want # Brighter than the sun # Brighter than the sun # Brighter than the sun # Brighter than the sun # Oh, oh-oh-oh # Yeah # Oh, this is how it starts # Lightning strikes the heart # It goes off like a gun # Brighter than the sun # Oh, this is how it starts # Lightning strikes the heart # It goes off like a gun # Brighter than the sun # Oh, this is how it starts # Lightning strikes the heart # It goes off like a gun # Brighter than the sun. # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014