(FUNKY MUSIC) Captions by Starsha Samarasinghe. Edited by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017. (FUNKY MUSIC) Heya. Looking at me, you probably see a young man trying to make his way in the world, but I haven't always openly identified as male. My family raised me as a young girl, but from as early as I can remember, I always knew that I was different. My name's Quinn Fyers, I'm 21 years old, I'm Japanese/Kiwi, and, um, I'm about to celebrate my first year as a trans man. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) We came to New Zealand in 2010, and I live at home with Mum, Dad and my siblings. It's been quite difficult for them to accept me, but they're slowly adjusting. I was raised in a very religious group called the Moonies. So I had to let go of my old life and step into my new one. Transitioning into my new identity has always been quite a journey and has always been quite difficult. It sort of separated me from everyone else, and I didn't feel like I identified with everyone else around me, which always left me quite lonely. Yeah. (MELLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Kia ora. Rainbow Youth. Quinn speaking. How can I help? Rainbow Youth is a place for young queer and gender-diverse people. I volunteer for the organisation. Yes. We've got quite a number of groups running at the moment. It's been a safe haven for me, and it's a place where people can come and just be themselves without judgement. (LAUGHTER) Now I wanna take the next step to becoming a facilitator and a youth leader, but I feel like I don't have enough experience to offer the young queer youth, especially since I'm still trying to find my own voice. (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) So, today I've come to Rainbow Youth to talk to Morgan about taking the next steps to becoming a youth leader. I'm feeling pretty nervous just to see what steps are involved and just to learn more about the role and what that entails. Awesome. So, really my question for you is ` why? Why the sudden urge to do this? You're my biggest mentor. What you've done for me is pretty much indescribable. You've helped me become who I am today, so I wanna help kids the same way that you've helped me. Yeah. I hear that, definitely hear that. Are you gonna have a cry? Maybe! Later. (LAUGHS) No, that's really amazing. I mean, that's what we wanna hear ` that kind of passion and that drive. It's really quite beautiful. Yeah. So, where do you think you are within your confidence of being a facilitator and wanting, you know, to have that kind of responsibility? I don't know. I guess my confidence is still pretty shaky, I guess, just building more confidence around being able to talk to the young people. I mean, my advice for you first would be to go to group that you are thinking about to facilitate and start shadowing one of the facilitators that are current. And then we can look at going to and having you get the training. Yeah? Cool. (MELLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC) I think growing confidence will be quite a bit of a challenge for me. At the moment, the only thing really standing in my way is me. As long as I give it my 100% best, I can only get better from there. But, um, yeah, just my confidence is really what's holding me back. (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) At the moment, I am still figuring out how to go about being a boy. It's coming up to almost a year on testosterone. I'm learning a lot of how to go about presenting as male. Yeah, it's sort of like the first time I've really been able to pass in public, so, yeah. I'm still taking all those first steps. Hey, Quinn. Heya. My best friend, Morgan, has been through similar experiences. Morgan seems to think that she knows how to dress me and knows what would look good and what girls like. Some nice stuff in there. Do you wanna go do some retail therapy? You look like you need it. What are you trying to say?! (BOTH LAUGH) (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) So, what was it like the first time you went shopping for guys' clothes? I was pretty nervous. I had to take my little sister as a support person. Yeah. Cos she's pretty good at, like, deflecting when they ask questions like, 'So, is that for your boyfriend?' She's just sort of, like, 'Well, no. It's for me,' or, 'No. It's for my sibling.' It just shows you how gendered society still is. Yeah. (RELAXING MUSIC) Nice. I like that. Ooh. Yeah. I quite like it. I like that. Yeah. That looks good on you as well. Thank you. So, when did you decide that you wanted to go on testosterone? I don't know. It came to me one day and I was just sorta like, I really want hormones. Like, I want the effects that it would give me ` the low voice, the facial hair. And I thought that would make me feel more comfortable in my skin and more comfortable in the clothing that I was wearing, cos clothing can only go so far. When did the voice change start happening? The first couple of times it happened, I was kinda, like, nervous. Like, 'Oh, I should be a grown man ` I shouldn't be having voice cracks.' But a lot of my friends are queer-identifying, so they all sort of understand. Yeah. It's kinda like a normal puberty. We call it second puberty. Yeah! Yeah. Whenever my voice cracks, I always feel like, 'Oh, wow! I'm finally getting a step closer.' Another thing is, like, when you started shaving. How did that feel? The first time I actually shaved, I had no idea what I was doing. I had to look up YouTube tutorials, so I did actually get a few cuts the first time, just because I didn't understand what was going on. The more often I have to shave, the more I feel like a man. (RELAXING MUSIC) Hey, so, I really can't wait to watch you facilitate tomorrow. I'm excited. (UPBEAT MUSIC) So, um, one of the first steps to being a leader is to observe someone in the role. Morgan is the facilitator for a queer group that plays the game Dungeons & Dragons. Yeah. She's super-confident, so I'm hoping that some of her confidence will rub off on to me. So, we're gonna do name round. We're gonna say our name, our preferred pronouns. Hi. My name is Morgan. I prefer she/her pronouns. Kia Ora. My name's Quinn. I use he/him pronouns. My name is Ruby. I don't mind what pronouns you use for me, because I really don't care. Hi. My name's Blake. I prefer she/her pronouns. Oh, hey. My name's Shay. I prefer feminine pronouns. I'm Kieran. He/him pronouns. So, we're gonna try and play a really big game of Dungeons & Dragons. If you don't wanna play, that's all good. It's fine for you to observe. The only thing I ask is that you respect people playing the game and don't interfere too much. Are there mermaids?! In this game? Yes. They're called merfolk. Ooh! Oh my God! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Just roll survival. Go for it. On your first try! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) So, what was it like on your first time running DQ? For me, of course, when I first started doing it, it was terrifying. Getting up in front of a whole bunch of people is something that not many people are one ` good at doing, or two ` like doing. But if you're gonna be a facilitator, you have to take on that duty. After a while, it just becomes second nature. Yeah. It was just, kind of, a bigger step up and responsibility for managing people and making sure everyone was having a good time. I had to become the leader. What kind of people usually come to this group? I mean, nerds and geeks, of course. It's definitely a mix. We have some people who are extroverts and have a lot of friends. Some people, you know, struggle with their social lives, and that's why the group is here. Every walk of life is welcome. And every walk of life shows up. I'm pulling a replay. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Shadowing Morgan really inspired me. I think I'm at a point in my life where I'm just ready for this next step, and I'm ready to, sort of, jump in there and make a difference for some young people. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (UPBEAT HIP HOP MUSIC) So, today is the first day of the Rainbow Youth facilitator hui, and if I manage to get through this course, I'll be able to start running my own queer group. My biggest worry is that I won't be able to run the group, because it was only a couple months ago, um, that I was struggling to live my life positively as a man. I think I'm good, but... do I have what it takes? (HIP HOP MUSIC CONTINUES) Hey, guys. So, today we'll be talking about self-care. So, do any of youse have an idea of what self-care is? Knowing when to say no. So, knowing when you're overwhelmed, and you have to take time to prioritise your own needs over, like, your group needs. What's an example of... a situation in the past that you haven't implemented self-care? It's kind of been trained into me from a young age to stop focusing on my issues, because they're smaller or less important than everyone else's issues. And what that did was it sort of, like, bottled the emotions that I had, and, um, I wasn't really, like, finding a proper way to process them. I think self-care is about being able to identify when that stress kicks in, and we're able to create a coping strategy. (REFLECTIVE MUSIC) I understand that you need to look after yourself before you can help others, and I'm finding it difficult to just kinda throw it away or just sort of discard that belief. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just feeling pretty confronted by it. I feel like it's probably one of the harder traits that I'll have to get rid of, um, and sorta just learn how to take care of myself. (HIP HOP MUSIC) So, today I'm going to Auckland Tree Climbing Adventures with Ben and Alex. They are two experienced tutors. It'll be good to kind of pick their brains and figure out some stuff. I am pretty nervous about heights, so this will be pushing me to my limits, but, yeah, we'll make it work. (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (GASPS) I do not like the look of this course, eh. Argh! Don't look down. Shut up! (ALL LAUGH) Argh! Ooh. Ooh! (BEN AND ALEX LAUGH) Hey, Quinn, how are you feeling? Not good. (ALL LAUGH) I mean, I've been better! It's character-building. (CHUCKLES) I think I've got enough character, thanks. Argh! I hate flying fox. You got this, Quinn! Argh! No! I don't wanna go! Argh! (SCREAMS) (FLYING FOX WHIRRS) Are you keen for something a bit higher? Not too high. 10's a good number. (ALL LAUGH) No. Let's go with 5. We're going with 5. Haven't quite worked up that confidence? Nah. I'm getting there slowly. So, what else are you afraid of, Quinn? I've already come out, so, I guess, that was, like, the scariest thing that I've ever had to do, and probably, like, I'll probably never face anything like that. Well, you know there's courage and bravery in coming out to your friends, so you've built a bit of confidence now. That's true. I remember when I first came into Rainbow Youth, and I was just like, couldn't even look at anyone in the eye, couldn't even talk to anyone. Seeing other people talking to other people who are going through the same sort of thing as me ` that really helps me with my confidence. As drop-in centre intern before, I think I was sort of a role model to the other young people who came in, just as a person to look up to. That's something that I'm still working up towards, you know? I wanna get the confidence to be, like, a youth leader and, like, talk to young kids who are struggling. I reckon you'd be a great role model. Just looking at you from, like, when I first met you coming into the centre at the very start, and just the amount of confidence you've built up since then, look at you now. The best way I found to, like, really beat your fears is to just keep on facing your fears. Just keep on going in situations that test you, and you just build up confidence that way. So, you ready to go to number 10, then? LAUGHS: No. Nope. We're going with number 5. (ALL LAUGH) Yeah. (ALL LAUGH) (MELLOW HIP HOP MUSIC) So, my final challenge is a one-on-one with Anahera, who is a very experienced youth leader. Yeah, so this is my chance to, kind of, prove that I have what it takes. So, we'll run through some scenarios. We'll role play them. I'll be the young person. You can be the facilitator supportive friend. Afterwards we'll talk a little bit. We'll give some feedback. Yeah, then we'll be done. OK. So, the first scenario we're gonna do ` I am getting bullied at school, and, like, it's gotten the point where I don't really wanna go to school any more. So, does your school have a gay straight alliance or a guidance counsellor? Yes, but I'm kind of nervous to go consistently, because I feel like that makes me even more of a target. Because the guidance counsellor can go about it in a way that won't draw attention to it being situation about the bullies or about you. They can sort of talk to your Health teacher about putting in role plays into the classroom curriculum to do with gender-diverse issues or queer issues. Yeah. And that way, it's not so obvious that it's about you or about the bullies. Yeah. And so it doesn't draw that, sort of, attention. So, second scenario ` there's, like, just stuff going on at home ` my best friend hates me, and I don't know why. I am just... feeling so overwhelmed. My first bit of advice would be to, sort of, step back from the situations that you're able to step back from. At Rainbow Youth we do believe strongly in self-care, and that means putting yourself before others. Because your friend is being quite negative, maybe stepping back from them and giving them some space to be able to sort out their own issues, while you focus on everything else. Mm. And then if you're still feeling really, really overwhelmed, you can come back to Rainbow Youth and talk to support manager Morgan. Cool. So that was the last scenario. So we'll just have a chat about how you went through those. I think you did really well. Just remember that there isn't always one answer to all of those sort of situations. And I know that you have this amazing capacity to show empathy to support others and help them get through whatever situation or thing that's going on in their lives. And I know that you have all the skills that you need to be a really good facilitator, but I guess the real test now is going to be in that group situation where you... are dealing with real-life scenarios. (REFLECTIVE MUSIC) So, hearing Anahera talk about, um, how the last step is running my own group makes me nervous, but also really excited, because I've been working so hard to get to this point, and it's finally within grasp, and I just need to take that final step to get there. I just don't wanna let myself down or let my group down. But, yeah, I guess as long as I try hard, I should be able to do it. (GENTLE MUSIC) (UPBEAT HIP HOP MUSIC) So, I about to run my first group. I'm fairly confident in delivering, um, the content, but I am nervous when it comes to dealing with people. (HIP HOP MUSIC) (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hey, Quinn. Heya. How's it goin'? Good. Yourself? Just in town wasting about an hour before my group. Yeah, kinda nervous. Dude, I wouldn't freak out about it too much. I'm mostly nervous cos it's my first time running a group. I wanna be able to support young people the same way that Rainbow Youth has supported me, so I guess I'm just a little bit worried that I might not be able to go up to that standard. Quinn, if you ever feel freaked out, just share your story, you know? Because sharing your story and sharing your own vulnerabilities, it'll make people feel safer around you and more relatable. And Quinn, remember where you've come in less than a year ` almost a year. Your story is unbelievably empowering and inspirational. You can provide above and beyond what Rainbow Youth has done for you. Yep. Well, I hope so. I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. I'm sure you will do it. You're gonna be good. I hope so. (CHUCKLES) (RELAXING MUSIC) My name's Quinn. So, I am currently 21 years old,... and, yeah, I spend a lot of my time volunteering for Rainbow Youth. For today, we're gonna do a team-building exercise. The overall goal is to, uh,... build teamwork and trust each other. I'm going to split you into teams, and then I'm gonna give you a bunch of planks. What you're gonna do is you're going to travel from one end and back. So ready, set, go. (LAUGHTER) So, you're gonna be carrying a bucket of water. If you spill the water, you have to start again. Ooh, you split! Gotta start again! (LAUGHTER) If you do touch the ground, you will be starting again, so try not to fall over. (LAUGHS) It's really far away. Argh! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Now you're starting! So, this is a competition, and it is a race. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (LAUGHS) From the beginning! You were doing so well before, and now here we are. So, hopefully, no one feels to bad about losing? Ooh! You spilt! You have to start again! Oh! (LAUGHS) (HIP HOP MUSIC) I'm, like, pretty proud of how you all just, sort of, jumped into it. Yeah. Thanks for coming along. Yeah, no, I thought it was a good challenge, and I like Team One. Team One rules! (ALL LAUGH) Friends! Oh my God! But, yeah, even though I stuffed up for you guys in the first fall, you guys kept it real. We just kept going. When we started laughing about it and especially at the other team as well. (ALL CHUCKLE) When they started doing badly, that was fun. It pulled us together to laugh at them. It's something that I find in this community is we don't take ourself too seriously. It's always fun. You know that everyone's gonna be there for you. And you're gonna help somebody out, whether that's passing a plank or being there to listen. Growing up, when you're questioning a lot about yourself, and then you come into an environment where everyone, like, is here and just present and you don't have to think about that, it's the most 'self' you can feel. Yep. You feel like you can truly be you without having to filter or put anything back. Like, everyone's here to know the real you. Yeah. I've never heard of Rainbow Youth, to be honest. And seeing it helps me realise that there's a lot more we can do with our community, because I'm not even involved with any LGBT activities. I don't really have that many LGB friends. And, like, you know, being a trans woman, it's... like, it's hard for me to go out and connect with anyone, but being with you guys, it just feels good. And it feels good to have a community, and it's really admirable what you do. Just makes me want to be involved, really. Really inspiring. Thank you. Hearing stories like that, it kinda hits, like, really hard and real close to home, cos I've been there, where I haven't been able to connect with our community before. And then, yeah, like, that's what I hope that I can do as a facilitator is, like, open up the space for other people to come in, even for the first time, just to see what, sort of, see what it's like. Any time you're free during the week, just pop into Rainbow Youth, all of you. LAUGHS: I'm usually there causing trouble. You'll see me there, like, every day now. You'll never get rid of me. (LAUGHS) (MELLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Squad goals! (ALL CHEER) Awesome. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES) Wanted to say a huge thank you to everybody who have been here this weekend and everybody who has participated, made me laugh. It's been really amazing. This is probably the biggest group we've had for a facilitator hui, so I'm very impressed, very happy and very proud. This part of the hui is pretty much to congratulate and sum up your accomplishments over the last three days. So the first person is... Briar Grace Smith. Whoo-hoo! Briar! Get it, girl! (APPLAUSE) I started out knowing that I wanted to give back, but without the tools or the confidence to actually do it. Finding your voice can be hard for anyone, but especially for those who society thinks as different. I know I still have a long way to go in becoming a confident young man, but I'm still striving to gain experience and all the knowledge that I need to create a safe and supportive environment for young people who need it. Quinn! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thank you. Thank you. I've learnt that I can draw from my life in a positive way and that I am a brave and empathetic person with a lot to offer other people. So to anyone out there who's watching this, the biggest message that I have for you is to know who you are and be who you are. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Captions by Starsha Samarasinghe. Edited by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017.