You're telling me you're getting a case of cold feet! I love her more than anything! But I cannot marry her... Woody! ...on account of the fact that I'm already married. Now it's just a matter of finding her, and just getting a quickie divorce. Without Tracey finding out. Hello, Jeff. I'm getting married again. That means I need to divorce you. Which means that I need you to sign some papers. Well, if you want me to sign them, then you have to bring them here. Tell Tracey. Nah. Move on, George. Get with the programme. What happened to honesty being the best policy? Sean's web of deceit is actually very well put together. A conference? Yeah, in Sydney. We've only just found out about it. I think you should go. Operation 'Divorce Mary' is a go! (ALL CHEER) But I really love you. You know that, eh? Woody. It's just a conference. What are you doing? I thought I'd document our little odyssey anyway. Yes, that'll really help us keep it a secret (!) Woody. Wake up. (SIGHS) Nah. I don't want to. There's tea here. Tea's good. Don't talk to me, George. I'm not worthy, mate. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Oh! How's the jet lag. It's the least of my worries. (SIGHS) Well, at least we've made it out of Australia alive. Well, that's debatable. Hey, check your email. I couldn't sleep. You know, the stress, the time zone, the nightmares of venomous creatures. And so I used this discombobulating state to go ahead and cut together the film. Got it. And I can't hear anything, because...? It's an artistic statement. You messed up the sound. My art speaks its own voice, George. It speaks its own voice. (PHONE BEEPS) (SIGHS) The best-laid plans of mice and men. What does that actually mean? The mouse Robert Burns wrote of in his poem built a house which could never be destroyed. Until a farmer drove a bloody great plough over it. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017 You know this is completely bonkers? Yep. No, hey. We're on the road to victory. Jan, George has planned this meticulously. Oh, so this was your idea? No, it was not. The Australasian Registered Solar Engineer's Symposium? You know that spells... ...ARSES. Yep. Yeah, but sounds flash, though. If this place was real, I'd go. (LAUGHS) Smiler. What are you doing? We are in Sydney ` home of the Sydney funnel-web spider. They don't usually favour the modern office block as their natural habitat. Oh good. Well, then we must smile for Tracey. Huddle up and say, 'Platypus!' All right. (GRUNTS) OK. All right. One, two three. ALL: Platypus! (PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) Gotta get to the conference. For an outback quickie divorce! (JEAN-PAUL SARTRE EXPERIENCE'S 'I LIKE RAIN') # I like rain falling on my window. # I like rain. # I like rain splashing on the roof. # I like rain. # I like rain... # You haven't moved in three hours. It's raining outside. We're doing what sane people do on a wet weekend. Binge-watching the top-20 zombie movies of all time. Yeah, you can hang if you want. It's OK. I'd rather poke sticks in my eyes. Which, as it turns out, happens quite a lot in zombie films. I might go out. Uh, it's raining. Well, I can't sit in here all day watching you two lovebirds. (LAPTOP CHIMES) WOODY: Hey, babe! Just had a few hours to kill so caught up with Jan. Picking up the rental car then down to business. (LAPTOP CHIMES) Oh God. It's very unusual weather for this time of year. Good for the garden. Maybe, but... it feels portentous. (PHONE RINGS) Tracey, hi! OK, we have a problem. We? You know how I said that we didn't need to worry about updating your teaching licence? Well, the ministry is staging a crackdown on unlicensed relief teachers... Mm, OK, heh. We need to get your paperwork in by Monday, which means we need to do your police vetting today. Oh. Uh, right. I've talked to Hannah, and she's happy to do it. You just need to turn up at the station. It's just a formality. Sure, yeah, OK. I'll do that. Thanks. I'm off for a run. (SCREAMING ON TV) You know it's still raining outside, right? Beats watching mindless splatter. Bye, zombies! I was about to knock, and you appeared. (CHUCKLES) Synchronicity. Ollie, what are you doing here? I heard about your dad going to that conference. Awesome. It's just a conference. Yeah. I wondered if you needed anything while he's away. It's only two days. Just wanted to make sure you're OK. I'm fine. Actually, I was just off for a run. In the rain? Hey, do you want some company? You're not really dressed for running... Oh no, I got my stuff in the car. Always like to be prepared. Ah. Sure. Why not? Yeah, cool. (UPBEAT BLUES GUITAR) You OK? Eh? Oh, yeah, yeah, totally. Just` I've just forgotten how beautiful the outback is. That's all. What's that book you got there, Smiler? Um, The Continent of Death. (SCOFFS) A cautionary tale, eh? READS: 'The most vicious, venomous and poisonous creatures on the planet reside here. 'Right now they are all around us.' Whoa, yeah. Like the Irukandji jellyfish. They're the size of a fingernail, but a he sting ranks as (READS) 'the most intense and excruciating agony known to mankind.' Smiler, we are miles from the ocean here. It says that they can hitch a ride on the back of a saltwater croc. Well, I guess before you get stung by the Irukandji, the croc would probably eat you anyway, hey? (FORCED LAUGH) No, little comfort there, George. If you survive the sting, you're left wandering the planet in a state of impending doom. (SIGHS) (ROCK MUSIC) OK, righto. Here we go. Remember, Woody ` we go in, get her to sign the papers, we walk away. That's all we're here to do, right? Yeah, totally, George. I'm all over it, mate. We can't allow ourselves to get distracted, right? Nah. In and out like a robbers dog. That's us. Good. She's a woman though. You know, she's used to distractions. They do things in a strange way! Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody! Wait! Oh, Smiler, come on. Can you not do that, please? Nah, I have to keep filming, otherwise I might miss the reunion. It's a very important scene in the film! We aren't supposed to be filming the bits which feed the lie we're living! Yeah, that's for the director's cut only. Yeah, well, in that case, keep an eye out for the eastern brown snake. They live around these parts. What? (WHIMPERS) (FLIES BUZZ) All good? Yeah. Yeah, we're good. Busy day (!) Yeah. Wow. Hello, Jeff. Mary. Actually, it's, uh, Rose, now. Remember? OK. Um... One minute. (EXHALES) Woody, do we have a problem here? Those memories, mate. They just, uh` They just` They're flooding in like a tidal wave of, uh, uh... ...memories? Yeah, spot on, George. Spot on. OK. Me and Mary, mate. We` We` We... We had some good times. And she... (SIGHS) She's just as beautiful as she ever was. OK. I can understand how this must be very confusing for you. It is. We've gotta remember what we're here for. A very important reason. Yes, yes. George, I know. I know. And that reason is...? Woody? Yes, Tracey. Tracey! The woman you love now. Yes. So we need to get back in there and... Robber's dog. Robber's dog. OK. This one's on me, Smiler. Oh, bless you, Mary also known as Rose. Heh. So... it's been a while. About 17 years to be exact. Right. Hello? Hi. Oh yeah, sorry, this is my friend George. George, this is Mary. Hi. Sorry, Rose. Rose-Mary. Jeff. Woody. Yeah, let's make this easier. Like the old days ` Mary. Got it. Well, you look great! Not too shabby yourself. Thank you. It's a nice pub you got. Thanks. Yeah, it gets us by. FAINTLY: Yeah. Uh... Oh, yeah, oh, we should probably do the, uh` Get the papers started. Um... Yeah, look, I might have more of a chance to look over these when we're less busy. But for now, you guys probably need a feed, after such a long trip. No, we should probably get back on the road` They've got kangaroo burgers! Uh-huh. I'm curious. OK. Three burgers? Yeah. That'd be great, yeah! All right. Wet your whistle, and I'll spark up the grill. Sounds good. What happened to robber's dog? Huh? She's nice, and she's generous. And ` if you don't mind me saying ` she's easy on the eye. And, you know, it might be culturally offensive, not to try the local cuisine. Yeah, what's the big deal? We don't want to be rude, do we? Yeah. All right. We eat, we sign the documents, and then we get out of here. All right? Out of here. Yeah. (SIGHS) Robber's dog. Hello. Hi. Hi. Gidday. I'm guessing it's you. Uh... me, what? The one that's my dad. (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry. I think you might have me confused with someone else. SOFTLY: Love, that is him. Mum says you're my dad. I'm Poppy. Your dad? Uh, right, um... Uh, just, one` one more... (PANTS HEAVILY) Did you just`? George, did you...? Yeah, yeah. Oh man! So you didn't know about this? What? Of course I didn't! Well, it's not something that slipped your mind, like, you know, being married? No, mate! Having a kid isn't something that you're gonna forget! (GROANS) Well, then... it appears you have a daughter. Oh no. Oh. (PANTS) 1 Honestly, I am so glad that you can do this. Having a relief teacher I can rely on will be, well, a relief! That's me, I hope. Right, OK, so to save time, just take this and have someone sign her off as a character witness. Got it! And everything will be hunky-dory. Right, so do I just have to sign something? Yes, but first we just have to scan our records for your police file. Then I can sign your clearance off as the upstanding citizen you are. Right. Hm, oh, I love my job. And don't tell anyone, but I know some things about people that I should not know. Oh. OK. (THUNDER RUMBLES) Ugh, I got the burn on. Need a break? Yeah. Cramps. Didn't warm up properly. (THUNDER RUMBLES) So, uh, where'd you get those legs from? (LAUGHS) Sorry? You've got great legs. Running legs. Right. Yeah, well, they've got staying power! You could give a guy a run for his money, eh? (CHUCKLES) Time to get home. Something wrong with your burger? Nah, nah, nah, it's great. It's great. I've just, uh` I guess I'm not that hungry after all. Oh, probably just jetlag! Making certain things hard to digest, but no worries! Your fine gastronomy won't go to waste. ROSE: Can I get anyone anything else? GEORGE: No, I think we're all OK, thanks. OK. Sweetie, why don't you grab some plates, maybe get another round? Thank you. Look, um, I did try looking for you after you dropped off the face of the earth. It was New Zealand. Enough said. Look, I had no idea I was pregnant when we went our separate ways. I swear. You mean when you drove off and you left me at that servo in Tambo. OK, I feel like the blame was really on both sides. Yeah, yeah, always both sides. But never your side. Woody, you` Woody, Mary's trying to explain, just give her a chance. (SIGHS) OK, we were both really young. I was barely two years older than Poppy is now. When you eloped? Uh, ran off. Oh yeah, well, we had to with parents like yours. They actually softened up quite a bit after Poppy came along. (SCOFFS) Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it. That's not really likely now. Yeah, right, uh,... sorry about that. It's OK. Look, they left me some money when they died. I was able to buy this pub. And put some money in a trust for Poppy. So there's a future there. I'm not asking for anything from you, Woody. I'm just... telling you like it is. And it's OK. I'm gonna get you guys another round. Well, this is me. See you later. Phew. That was fun, right? We could make it a regular thing. I'm really wet and cold. Oh, Shay, um, I've got to get to the petrol station to go to work. Could I have a shower to clean myself up? There might not be any hot water left. Arlo and Lindsay would have hogged it. I'm OK with a cold shower, so... Hey Arlo, I'm back. With Ollie... They might be busy. (LAUGHS) Or just gone out. Our bathroom's down there. Oh, you can have the first shower. Guests first. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Towel? What? Where do you keep your towels? The cupboard. Right. Makes sense. Mm. The system has picked up an outstanding fine of $250. Court ordered fine which dates back quite a few years. Ooh, a criminal record. You badass. I thought that issue had been put to rest. So did I! The altercation was dealt with in court, if I remember rightly? It wasn't an altercation; it was just a silly incident. Oh, is this the beetroot incident? Yes. The beetroot incident. It was you rooting my guy behind my back. Shag, hump, root, whatever you call it, you did it. You want rude? You take this. See now that... is assault. I thought they let you off with a warning? Yeah, so did I. Well, clearly not. Why didn't you pay the fine? I didn't know there was one. But you went to court. I was so mortified just being there. It was like a blur. I` I pled guilty, and the judge said something. And between feeling blurry and embarrassed and him mumbling, I never made out what he said. God, now I've got to tell Tracey sorry, but I didn't pass the police vet. No, just pay it and be done with it. Except I've got, like, $150 to my name until my teaching money comes through, so I'm kinda stuck. I'll loan you the cash. Oh, no, you don't have to do that. It's my mess. Yes, but, you know, Tracey doesn't need this drama. Especially if the whole fake conference thing implodes on itself... Ahem! ...which, lets face it... Oh, I mean... So is Woody not at a conference? You know, when I woke up this morning, George, I wasn't a father. And then suddenly I've just become a father, because, actually, I was already a father. How the hell am I meant to get my head around that? Unsure, but I don't think getting angry about it is gonna help. Oh, well, excuse me, but finding out you have a 16-year-old daughter when she's 16 is about 16 years too late. Mary did try to find you. Yeah, well, not hard enough. We found her, didn't we? Woody, you're gonna need to move through this. Mary isn't expecting anything from you. No one is asking you to do anything radical. It is how you react that is gonna matter, especially to Poppy. Yeah, but this is a life-changing moment, mate. I know, and that's why you're gonna have to take things slowly. But whatever you decide to do, you need to remember there's a young woman out there who wants to get to know you. Yeah, but how is she going to get to know me when I don't even know what to say, mate? Well, I don't know. Start back at the beginning with a, 'Hello.' Hello. Gidday. Yeah, OK, yeah, that makes sense. All right, can we just hurry up and please get this photo done? Only if you put your pants on first. Eh? Right. Um... ARSES! Hey. There you go. Let's see it. Ah, now, if I'm not mistaken, this says three men going to a cocktail party at a solar energy conference. Wow. When you guys commit to a lie, you really go there, don't you? Hey, thank you! Hey, um, is Poppy around? So that, you know, I could have a bit of a... talk. Yeah. I reckon she'd love that. She's, um, out the back. OK, great, awesome. Awesome. I might just get some fresh air first, yeah. Woody, you're already outside. Yep, yeah. Woody? Finally, the kitchen. Something light. Like... Okarito? Okarito goes well with my favourite ` Opononi. (SPLASHING, YELLING) Ooh, yeah, splash of Opononi, maybe. Oh, look, Alexandra. Whoa, pink. Or... Hot Water Beach. Blue ` very relaxing. Or Alexandra. Hot Water Beach. Mm. Or Alexandra? It's like pinky, bluey. It's not very kitcheny. No, but it is pretty... nursery. Mm. Nursery? Or` Or we could go Rangitikei River. (GASPS) Oh! (LAUGHS) You little beauty! (BOTH CHUCKLE) So the nursery. The colours of New Zealand ` only from Dulux. 1 I can't do this. What? You can do this. But I know the secret. You know what I'm like with secrets! Why did you tell me? Just forget about the thing I told you and focus on what Tracey needs most ` you, as a relief teacher. Yeah, but he's lying to her, and I know. I can't handle lies. Better to think of it as not so much a lie, rather an alternative truth. (SIGHS) There was a slight hold up with the official screening. But that was handled very efficiently, I might say. So I am pleased to report that the renewal of the teaching licence can proceed as planned. Oh, thank God! I am so glad. Me too. (PHONE CHIMES) Ooh! Could be news from across the ditch. Aw! Don't they look swished up? Oh, Smiler's gone for the cultural look I see. Charmer. 'En route to cocktail party.' Oh, I hope Woody doesn't drink too much. Yeah, true, he might start blathering. No, dancing. He's a terrible dancer. (LAUGHS) But a lovable one. (WHIMPERS) Go now. OK, what is with her? (SHOWER RUNS) (SIGHS) Just us. Hi! Sorry to barge in. No, no, no. It's good to see you. I missed you guys. Really? Working real-estate, it's not the greeting I'm used to, but I'll take it. Now, pleasantries aside, we're on a mission. Do you have a tarp by any chance? A tarpaulin? A big one. To cover a house. I'm pretty sure we don't. Why? Hey, can I chuck these in the dryer? Ollie. You look, uh, fit. Ollie dropped by and we went for a run together. In the rain? That's firefighter-level commitment. (SCOFFS) I didn't know you were a runner. There's a lot of things you don't know about me. And lots of other things I do. Um... I'd better get to work. Can I chuck these in a plastic bag instead? Yep. (BITTERSWEET MUSIC) Oh, Smiler, I'm not in the mood mate. You're at the turning point of the hero's journey. You know, where he's hit rock-bottom but then he finds a path to redemption, by fighting or by fleeing. The only path I can see is the one that you're sharing with that scorpion. Ooh! I'm thinking here, mate. Oh. Sorry, I'll... let you be. Woody's overthinking used to drive me crazy in a 'I love you, but you drive me crazy' kind of way. It's fair to say he's been completely blindsided. So you can hardly blame him. I get that. When I heard his voice on the phone, I thought it was finally time for Poppy to meet the man behind the stories. I wanted her to know that he was real. That he is real. And not a bad bloke? No! Not a bad bloke at all. We just` We got married too young. Do you still love him? Everybody loves Woody. You didn't answer my question. You don't need me to. Why? Go on ` you write about this love stuff in your column all the time. (LAUGHS) Do you get that out here? LAUGHING: We do have internet out here, George. (SCOFFS) I recognise you from your picture. It's pretty funny to find out that that useless builder you were banging on about was actually Woody. It was. Heh, small world, huh? Yep. (SIGHS) And for Woody it's about to get a whole lot bigger. Yeah, well, he's a big boy. Hey. Hey, gidday. Popps, yeah? Poppy, so... you're my daughter. (CHUCKLES) How weird is that? That is so weird. That is so weird. (GENTLE MUSIC) Come on, Woody. Let's do this. (GENTLE UPLIFTING MUSIC) Hey. Hi. You're having problems? Oh, nothing I can't handle. Oh, OK. You got some sweet tools there. Birthday presents, most of them. Birthdays. Yeah. Right. Is the door sticking, is it? I can give you a hand, if you like. Back home, I'm actually a builder, so... Well, I'm a builder here too, cos it's not like it's one of those things that you're suddenly not when you travel. You know what I mean? I've planed it back, replaced the hinges, sanded back the sill. What, you've done all that? It's no big deal. Out here you've got to turn your hand to stuff. Yeah, cool, yeah. Well, it makes you self-sufficient, eh? Yeah, we've had to be, me and Mum. Yeah, right. Well, you know what I say? If you can't swing a hammer, then you can't swing your way through life. So, mate, I reckon you've got yourself pretty sorted, eh. Oh, um, hang on a sec, I think this might be your problem, right here. See that? Yeah, it's bowed out a little bit. Um, just can you chuck us that level please? Ta. Yeah, see? She's a little bit off. (SIGHS) It's a major. Nah. Nah, nah, nah. We can` We can handle that. Um, have you got a chisel in there? We are the victims of Woody's incompetence. This is about the tarpaulin? I made a commitment to solar power. So I thought, 'What better way than to turn our house into a show home for Woody's handiwork?' The panels require battens to be attached to the roof. So, Woody drills all the holes for the battens... ...then went to Australia. Then it starts to rain. I used to like the sound of rain. It has a certain poetic rhythm. (WATER PLOPS) Oh. (CRACK!) Thanks to Woody, our house is a sieve. Thus the need for the tarp ` to help stem the interior rain-like conditions. That's a bummer. But we don't have one. Well, thanks for the tea. Come on, daughter. Into the elements. We can doss down at Dad's. At Grandpa's, are you kidding? Well, there is room at the inn there. And psychological abuse. Every time we stay, he treats you like a slave. When you're finished there, the Japanese lawn needs a manicure. When you're finished there, the XJ needs a cut and polish. When you're finished there, why not use that cloth to wipe that muck off your daughter's face? That blows. He's a totalitarian dictator. What about the Kombi van? Or maybe we could stay here? A safe haven from both damp and oppression. Sure, why not? Dad's away. I could park the Kombi van outside, use the facilities in here. I think it's a win-win in many ways, don't you? You wear pretty flashy clothes for a tradie. Oh. (CHUCKLES) These aren't my usual strides. Nah, I'm more a boardies kinda guy myself. So why are you all dressed up? Oh, cos I'm supposed to be at a conference. Well, that's what my fiancee thinks anyway. Why? Oh, because I forgot to tell her that I'm already married to your mum. So, I need to get unmarried without her knowing so she doesn't freak out and, you know, doesn't want to marry me any more. How come you forgot to tell her? It's like a really long time ago. And I just find that there's only so much room in my brain for stuff. So sometimes` You discard stuff? I do that. Mum thinks I deliberately do it. Yeah, but you don't mean to forget. You just discard it because you don't need it any more, right? Yeah, cos other stuff's more important. Yes! Right, it's like` OK, it's, uh... Like, you don't keep a bent nail, right? Cos bent nails are good for nothing. Right, they just clutter up your tool-kit, so you let them go. But it's not like you forget about the nail. It's just that the nail had served its purpose. Or it actually hasn't, because it's a bent nail. But do you know what I mean? Yeah, totally. Yes. If I had've remembered, I would've told her. I just... I didn't. So, George came up with the whole conference plan. What's her name? Trace. She's, like,... the nicest lady. She's lucky. Oh yeah, how do you mean? Well, you've gone to a lot of trouble to get unmarried and make sure your wedding goes ahead. That's romantic. Yeah. I guess it is. And it's not like you and mum have anything going on. No. And... you're OK with that, eh? Oh, it's all I know. Right. Sometimes when I forget stuff, Mum gets antsy, she says, 'God, you're so like your father.' But that wasn't very helpful because I didn't know what that meant. Right. But now... well, at least I know. And it might be selfish, but I think you did the right thing in coming. Yeah? Cos I got to meet you. Then for sure I did. Let's have a look, eh? (LAUGHS) Mate, look at that! It's up to the ankles in the living room. Shag-pile's ruined. Perhaps a silver lining. It's irreplaceable. Then definitely a silver lining. The perishables, daughter. Get the perishables. I can put stuff in your fridge? The Kombi doesn't have food-storing facilities. (SIGHS) Did you really want to stay because of Ollie? Would you be upset if I did? Well, do you guys have some history I should know about? Because there's nothing to be jealous of. Ugh, excuse me while I vomit. Today he just turned up, right? The day your dad is out of town. Because that's what he does. And it has to be discouraged. But no, you went for a run. You encouraged him. I felt I couldn't say no to him. Exactly. There was a girl the summer before last. At first she tried to be nice, which he took as a sign of affection. Then she got angry, and he told her that turned him on. In the end she left town. It's awkward. He doesn't get the right messages. Except from you. Well, that's because I used to babysit him. And he knows I have any number of embarrassing stories I could dish on him any time. So while I'm here, he won't be. Works for me. Girl power. Hey, guys. Hi. Why, hello, strangers. Nice of you to turn up. Well, we took your advice and went out. To the movies. Sean was screening Braindead ` goriest movie of all time. But the lead actor was kind of a spunk. Mm. It's a New Zealand classic, apparently. Um. Why are Monty and Siouxsie unpacking a Kombi van in our driveway? The thing about Poppy, right, she's got these natural smarts. It's like she knows the difference between a doorjamb and a lintel. Do you think it might be genetic? Ah, nature vs nurture, intriguing. And she can wield this mean Pozidriv. George, I reckon we might be kindred spirits. Yeah, well, maybe you are. So how are you gonna deal with this added complication? What? I mean you can walk away from here unmarried, which is great. That was the plan. But you can't become an unfather. Why would I want to do that? I only just found out that I am one. What George is referring to are the lies piling up upon other lies, creating a mountain called Lie Mountain. Yeah, you can't keep her a secret. You can't keep disappearing to fake conferences. You need a new plan. You need a new lie! No, definitely not a new lie. Hey! Reckon you need both hands for that burger, Damo. Hey! Hey, you wanna back off, mate? Oh, it's OK! No, this guy needs a lesson in boundaries. OK, it happens all the time. She knows how to handle it. What do you mean, this sort of stuff happens all the time? Occupational hazard. You two, inside, now. Mary, she's a kid. No, it's cool. Besides, it's not for much longer. Well, what does that mean? Mum's sorted me for boarding school, to get away from the Damos of this world. Right. Well, this is very homely, isn't it? Better than living with a tyrant. You better hope Woody has insurance, Dad. Oh, Woody always finishes the job. Eventually. It only happened cos he downed tools in a hurry to bail. Well, can't blame him there. I mean, I've heard of a shotgun wedding, but a shotgun divorce, that's a new one. Perhaps it's an Australian thing. Sorry, who's getting a shotgun divorce? Lovely squid rings. I'm always needing people to cover, so I'm going to be needing you a lot. Great. Is everything OK? What do you mean? You just don't seem quite as enthusiastic about the teaching thing as you did before. Oh, no. I can't wait. And my bank balance is gonna love it. I'm not so sure about Billy, but... But this is about the secret. You know the secret? I was let in on it, yeah. You were? I guess they thought it was best that I knew. And Katie, honestly, it's no biggie. Really? Because they all thought that it was a biggie. I've been sworn to secrecy. You really don't care? These things happen. Oh. (BOTH LAUGH) Thank God! (LAUGHS) God, you're being so understanding about it. I am so, so glad you know. I've been feeling sick keeping it from you. Katie, it's fine. Honestly, sounds like she deserved it. And if I'd been holding a beetroot salad, I probably would have done the same thing. Oh. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I've crossed the line. No, no. You didn't. Hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of. (SIGHS) Katie, is there something else? (DOG PANTS, FAINT MUSIC PLAYS) OK. Let's do this. Hand them over. Oh, the documents. Uh... OK, Woody, you are off the hook. Officially divorced. Thanks. Uh, yeah, yeah. Thanks. I'd like to say any time, but let's just keep it to the once, eh? Probably not a bad idea. So, um, guess we're done, then. Yep. Oh, no, actually, no, there is one other thing. Uh, the engagement ring. Remember, it was my mum's and` Oh, you want to give it to your Tracey. Is that all right? Yes, of course. You want to keep it in the family. Yeah, something like that. Lucky I can still get it off. Here. There you go. Ta. Would you mind if I kept the wedding ring? (LAUGHS) Why? Just kinda helps keep truckers at bay when they're hitting on me. What, does that happen a fair bit, does it? Yeah, just a little. Why, are you jealous? (SCOFFS) No. Good. Because we're not married any more. Nah. It was really good to see you again, Woody. So I guess you'll be leaving in the morning. Yes. All right. Make you breakfast. Despite the odds, and the lethal beasts, George, I truly believe your marvellous plan actually worked. You're telling me you're getting a case of cold feet! 1 Oh! Will we stay in touch? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. I'd really, really like that. Should I call you` call you Dad, I guess? Wow, uh, Dad. That's epic. Um, yeah. I'd like that even more. OK, see you later. Oh. Good to see you again. You too. Thanks again for your hospitality. You're welcome. See ya, Popp. Bye! SMILER: I'm gonna be on the lookout for rogue kangaroo, camel and hippopotami. On the continent of death. Stop the car. What? OK, I've had an idea. And it might be crazy, and it might not be a great idea, because sometimes I do have ideas that aren't great. But I think you've just got to get them out there, then they're out there. But this is a pretty` it's a pretty out-there idea. What if instead of going to boarding school Poppy came to Weld for a bit? Uh, Woody... No, George, I've gotta say this. Just to see how it is. She could hang out with me. And I could get to know her better, because, Poppy, I would really, really like to get you know you better. And Weld's like... a school, like a life school ` it made me a heaps better person. And it's actually got a real school, so... what do you reckon? It's up to you, kiddo. You'd be OK with that? Yeah. Sounds like Weld's a pretty good place, and... I think you'd be in really good hands. Sounds better than boarding school. (LAUGHS) LAUGHING: Yes! I can pack real fast! Yes, do it! What about you? I'll be fine here. I'll tell you what ` I'll come and visit you one time. See Weld for myself. Do you reckon she looks like me? Cos I reckon` What about Tracey? I think she's ready for the truth. I'm not married, but... I have a daughter. I reckon she's going to be as stoked as me, mate. (RELAXED, UPBEAT MUSIC) Smiler, perhaps you should stand down on this one. Oh yep. Right. Let's go meet Trace. I'm a little nervous. Eh? Oh, yeah, me too. But don't worry, we don't have to be, cos Trace is, like` she's like the nicest person ever. Like, the best person. Well, she must be if she wants to marry you, right? Yeah, yeah. Actually, Poppy, just on second thoughts, um, maybe I'll go in first. Just to explain on my own. Oh, yeah, OK. I get it. OK, cheers. Hey, George! You might come in, though, and help me be on my own, yeah? Yeah, sure, Woody. I'll keep the engine running. (DOOR OPENS) Hey, Trace! We're back. Trace? We just got back. Hey! How was the conference? Yeah, OK, the conference. All right. The thing about the conference is` There was no conference, Woody. Hey? I found out. Seems I was the last to know. OK, well, I can explain` I've had all night to think about how I feel about it, being the last to know. Yeah, but first of all you just need to know` Why did I think there was a conference? Oh, because you told me there was. Because you fabricated the whole thing to cover up a secret. Which, as it turns out, everybody else knew about as well. So I'm humiliated and embarrassed and most of all hurt. I'm hurt that you didn't trust me enough to think that we could work through this together. That's how I feel. OK, and I get it, I get it. It does ` it looks bad. OK. But, babe, I went to Australia for a really special reason` To get divorced from a marriage I knew nothing about. Yeah, no, but it slipped my mind. Because stuff like that slips my mind. You know that, Trace, right? (SCOFFS) Oh! I went there because I wanted to get this. It was my mum's, and... I really wanted you to be able to wear it. I want you to leave, Woody. Tracey, perhaps I can explain` You too, George. Go! (GENTLE MUSIC) 1 How'd it go? Uh... Woody! OK, not well. What little stuff you actually have. OK, Trace, Trace! Just wait, wait, wait, please, look. I know this is really, really, really bad timing and everything, um, but... this is my daughter. You have a daughter now? That slipped your mind as well? No, no, no, it's not` Tracey, it's not like that. I only just found out myself. Woody, we should go now. Trace, just` If you just` Woody, come on, come on. Poppy, let's go, come on. (MEL PARSON'S 'BONES') # What if I'm wrong? # What if I'm wrong? (SOBS) # I pass you on the street, and my eyes go down, and your number's on the screen. The best laid plans... ultimately mean nothing. It's how one weathers the storm that sets the men apart from the boys, and the mice from the men. # What if I'm wrong? # What if I'm wrong? # What if I'm wrong? Bathroom's mine. # And my bones say, 'Follow your heart.' That's all right. # Always go with what my bones say. # And my bones will tear us apart. # Thanks for the digs, George. Things didn't exactly go to plan, eh? No, Woody. They did not. Captions by John Gibbs. Edited by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.