1 (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) RAPS: # On a tiny little island at the bottom of the world, there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet? # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around, # they know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery, show just what you're worth? So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street, like... # ...we're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah. # Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # (GRUNTS) I can't feel my face. Previously on The Barefoot Bandits ` (FRIDGE AND TANE SCREAM) RILEY: Yee-hah! My name is Milford. But you must leave now. But it seems like you guys are Master Jimimothy's prisoners. You have to let us help you. What happens if we stop making glorbs, Critchard? I-It's an, um, unknown horribleness will befall us all. ...befall us all. Yes. This is a world hidden from human sight, a world where species long believed to be extinct can roam free and be happy. (SMOOTH, JAZZY MUSIC) (SWISHES) (GARGLES, SPITS) Ah, spearmint, the gentleman's mouthwash. (WHOOPING) (GASPS) Bells and whistles! (INTREPID MUSIC) (BLEEPING) Danger approaches at precisely 2.30. My favourite time of day! To the hall of doorways! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) Dr Soddington, your dental explorer. The dentist is in! (HUMS, GRUNTS) And now the danger is gone, thanks to the Time Dentist! (GROANS) That'll be $3000. Will the patient be able to pay or will he have to split the bill into 12 payments over the course of a year? Tune in next time for more Time Dentist adventures! (CHUCKLES) Yes. Yes, yes, yes! See? I told you guys it was a great show. Yeah, just gonna be straight up. That wasn't what I'd call great. Yeah, it was semi-educational. I'm not going to be tricked into learning through some TV show. No, thank you. I don't know what my parents were thinking, leaving me here with you lot. I told them ` I did, I told them ` that I'd be better off being left with a sack of potatoes. Oh yeah, then you could've made chips. You would've been better off. Sebastian! Sebby, Sebby, Sebby! (CHUCKLES) Home time! Saved by the yell. I'm outta here, losers. Oh no. Don't leave (!) (KNOCKING) (GASPS) Oh no! I was being sarcastic! (GROANS) Don't come back. Don't worry. That'll be the food I ordered. (SHIVERS) (PANTS) Hey, mate. You should invest in an elevator or something. Oh, I hear ya. OK, OK. So, uh, I have an order for pork noodles and some egg foo yong. You know what they say ` the night is 'yong'. (LAUGHS) As always, your jokes, they're not good. But I want your money, so I'm laughing. Just put it on the account. Is that, uh, is that under the 'dumbly-dumb monster'? All right! I wouldn't have chosen that name if I knew you were going to bandy it about so freely. OK. See you. Enjoy the added MSG. Bro, since when do they deliver to the tree house? Me and Stan the takeaway man have an understanding. Really? Yes. I understand that he makes food, and he understands that I'm a bit lazy. All right, time for` (SCREAMS) It's moving! Whoa! It is. Maybe the pork isn't cooked properly. (GROANS) (ALL YELL) Fear not, children. It is I, Milford. Oh, you ruined my food. Uh, yes. Apologies, Fridge, but it, uh, (MUNCHES) it's still edible. Just avoid the crunchy bits. It was a long trip; I may have glorbed a few times. (LAUGHS GOOFILY) Nothing he hasn't eaten before. (LAUGHS) Remember? Why are you here, bro? (SIGHS) I have come in need of your help. Things have really turned to rubbish where I come from. Oh! What can we do to help? You must come to Glorbtopia. I can explain more once we get there. Oh, that's convenient. Then it'll be too late for us to say no once we're there. Oh! Of course we'll come. Eh, guys? I'm sorry, but there's no way I'm getting on that terrifying mine-cart ride again. Oh, fear not, Fridge. I assure you we have made some great improvements since your last visit. This doesn't feel very improved. What?! Did you notice the sweet flame decals? That's a pretty great improvement, if you ask me. The rest of it's pretty much the same, though, to be honest. (LEVER CREAKS, WHEELS CLATTER SLOWLY) (SCREAMING, WHOOPING) MILFORD: Hey, this is fun. This is fun, right? (SCREAMING) Whee! (THUD! GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) That was worse than last time! What's with the loop? Why would you add a loop? Well, we thought it would boost morale. It hasn't; it's terrified everyone. (GASPS) Whoa. This place used to look amazing. Like I said, things have turned to rubbish down here. But let me show you the really rubbishy bits. Whoa! It did turn to rubbish. Who did this? We did. Ohh, you're gonna be in trouble. What happened? All right, I'll tell you, but it's a bit expositional. After we were liberated from Master Jimimothy's rein, the world of Glorbtopia quickly became divided into those who wanted to elect a new leader and those who just wanted to, y'know, kinda just remain leader-free, just kinda be all casual. It became a bit of a thing. (PINGING) Whoa! Hoo! Watch out. Whoa! Aah! Oi! Stop it! No, you stop it. We didn't do anything. I saw you with Milford. That makes you an enemy! (GLORBS PING) See? It's horrible down here. Our glorious Glorbtopia is more like Dumbsville now. (SNICKERS) Dumbsville! It's not funny! The inhabitants of Dumbsville really are the worst because of their dumbness. And their smell. They kinda smell. (GLORBS PING) Jeez, they sure do have a lot of glorbs. We do produce them at an alarming rate. I've been making a pile of my own right here as we speak. Look. Look at those. Gross. I made those. If we're gonna fix this, we need a plan. Is there somewhere safe we can go? Uh, not really. I know I convinced you to come here, but you should never have come here. Follow me. (CLATTERING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) At ease, soldiers. I hate to be the guy who reads the warning signs, but this looks like a place we shouldn't go. Mm, that's why it's the perfect place to hide. No one dares go into the caves of death! They'll never find us. Because we'll be dead? Uh, possibly. Of course! Great! Good. Yes, please, I wanna go there (!) - I love death caves (!) - (RUMBLING) (GROANS) See how they attack with all their might. Quickly, into the caves of death! Has that sentence ever ended well? No, it's never ended well, no. No one has ever followed me into here. (WHIMPERS) 9 (TENSE MUSIC) Don't worry, this ride's far less scary. (LEVER CLICKS, WHEELS CLACK SLOWLY) (SCREAMING, WHOOPING) Whee! (SCREAMING) (THUDDING, GROANING) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) That was the exact same level of scary! Oh, do you think so? Yes, I very think so! I guess I'm just used to it. Oh, OK, well, it's great to get feedback. I'll make a note of that. KIDS: Yay! Daddy's home! Daddy is home. Children, say hello to the Barefoot Bandits. Hi, Barful Bangles. Oh, they're weird-looking. I like the orange one. The orange one is called Fridge. SOFTLY: He's a bit moany. What? Oh, here we go. Bandits, these are my children, Beakle, Glink and Frilly. Oh, whoa! You fullas got cool names. Do you think so? I was worried they were stupid. That's a relief. Uh, hi, I'm Riley. Um, can I just say this is a lovely cave of death you have here. Oh, thank you. It's a little on the dangerous side, but I've tried my best to cover everything with doilies. (FAINT WHOOSHING) (HISSING) Oh! Wheeee! Check me out. I can fly! Glink! What have we told you about jumping into the windy crack? Um, never trust the windy crack. That's right. We don't know where it goes. Hm. Weird. It must go deep into the centre of the Earth. - (HISSING) - (SQUEALS) Wow! Hm. SQUEAKY VOICE: It appears the resident frequencies in my vocal tract have increased, which must mean it's helium. Ho-ly! You sound crazy, Riley. Doesn't sound any different to me. SQUEAK VOICE: What? I sound like a tiny mouse. Nope, not hearing it. Me neither. But in all honesty, you all have horrible, shrill voices. What? You should probably put a safety rail up or something, bro. Maybe some of, like, that yellow and black cautionary tape. (GROANS) All right! It's on my to-do list. The crack opened up after last week's attacks. It's actually proved to be quite a handy rubbish chute. Watch this. Bye-bye, rubbish! Someone else's problem now. WHISPERS: I wonder where it goes. You might have a cool club, Barefoot Bandits, but do you have cool moves like this, this, this, this, this, this, this? Knee! Knee! Knee! Arm! Arm! Arm! Nose breaker! Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I don't really care! Nose breaker again! (CLUNK!) (SQUEALS) What was that? Run, run, run, Sebastian. Run, run, run. Come on, guys. We're gonna need to work out a plan if we're gonna sort this out. (GASPS) I know. We should draw a strategy on the ground with a stick, like they do in war movies. That's not a stick. That's my home-made twirling baton. OK. Well, can I please use your home-made twirling baton? Well, of course you may. We are located here, in the caves of death. Critchard and his army are here, in the hall of glorbs. So it makes sense that we lure them into Glorbtopia, where we can set a trap. Cut to Glorbtopia. Critchard enters the scene. He spies signs that direct him to a UFO crash site. He is intrigued, because who wouldn't be? Critchard spots the crashed UFO. Although it is an impressive sight, he is underwhelmed because he is a real sack of sadness. Suddenly, a brave warrior woman bursts out of the UFO! She is an impressive sight with golden, flowing hair and 20/20 vision. Critchard raises his slingshot, but he's too slow. Riley` I mean Warrior Woman blasts him to glow-worm dust! (LASER ZAPS) Aah! Then she looks at the other glow-worms and says, 'Now it's your turn, glow-germs.' (ZAPPING, SCREAMING) Peyow! Peyow! Peyow, peyow, peyow! Eat my laser blast! I... Yeah, I got` Yeah, yeah, I got carried away. Your turn. OK. We lure Critchard here and we surround them like so. FRIDGE: Then we put` Then we put... Oh, wait, that went wrong. MILFORD: You're taking up my turn. No, I'm helping by` (SIGHS) It's very hard to draw with such crude instruments. It's a baton! You're not helping. Uh, I am, because I was gonna say we should offer them some cheese scones. (SIGHS) This is useless. Master Jimimothy was so good at manipulative traps. Nah, bro, I think Fridge is on to something. I am? Well, sort of. Maybe the cheese scones is the right sort of thinking. Yes! But not cheese scones. No. We need a peace offering. I don't know. It sounds very hippy-ish. (BOOM!) (GROANS) Do you see how they attack us? We must attack them back. Use your giant feets! Fighting gets you nowhere, bro. They attack you, and you attack back, and it keeps going until what? Ooh! Ooh! Uh, um, until they live as we tell them to? Yeah, that's not gonna work. Milford, they're right. This has to end. Think of your children. (INHALES DEEPLY) You're right. We must go and make peace. Gwenda makes the most wonderful moo-kas around. It's true. I do. We could offer them some of that. What's moo-kas? After the liberation of the glow-worms, we discovered the life-lengthening properties of this wonderful moo-kas elixir. Please try and keep up. Having to explain this stuff really slows down a mission. Ooh, elixir. Don't mind if I do. (GULPS) Mm! It's not bad. It's like a slightly salty milkshake. Oh, it's very moreish. Well, that's it. Let's go talk to Critchard and see if we can sort this all out over a nice cup of... whatever that stuff is. (SIGHS) Does that mean we have to walk? Mostly uphill. Yeah, I think I'm just gonna wait here. You know, to protect the women and children. No, no, we'll be fine. (LAUGHS) He's like a lumpy bean bag. See? They need me. (KIDS GIGGLE) 9 Approach with caution. Us glow-worms are an easily startled bunch. (GASPS) Oh, it's just you guys. GLOW-WORM: Go no further. We come in peace, bro! Be warned. (CLEARS THROAT) You are completely surrounded, and we could be where you least expect us. Are you in that bush? Yes. We come with a peace offering. We do. We've brought some of Gwenda's home-made moo-kas. Hm, I could go for some of that right now. But no. Why should we give you the time of day? This place used to be amazing. Don't you miss that? Of course I do. But this all started because we wanted to live free. Yeah, we wanted to be our own bosses. Ah! It was gonna be paradise. We even had full-colour brochures printed. You know how hard it is to get printing down here? But because Milford and his side didn't agree, they attacked us. Wait, is that true? I... No. Uh, is it? Did we? I'm pretty sure you attacked us first. What? You destroyed our campaign centre. We never did that! (RUMBLING) See? They attack us from all angles. That's impossible. Critchard, can I ask ` what explosives do you use in combat? Um, we have none. Just glorbs and slingshots. And what about you, Milford? We don't have any, either. We just use glorbs and leave very clever notes. (CLEARS THROAT) 'You guys are real dumb.' (LAUGHS) That was one of them. You know what? I don't think it's you guys destroying the place. (CRASHING) It's the volcano! That explains the helium gases in the cave of death! Are you sure? Yeah, that sounds a bit far-fetched. Oh yep, I'm sure. (WHIMPERS) That's the way back to the surface. We're trapped! (BOOMING) What do we do? Are there any other exits? None. It all just goes deeper and deeper underground. Well, then that's where we go ` to the caves of death! I have a plan! Critchard, get all the glow-worms and follow us. Well, this is it, really. Three glow-worms? We've only been fighting three glow-worms? We did our best to make it seem like more. Once, I wore a moustache. That was a good look on you. Ooh, thank you. (BOOMING, CREAKING) (GASPS) Critchard! I don't like this. You have to jump. I-I'll never make it. I'm not very athletic. Listen to me, Critchard, you have to jump. And if you fall in, well, hey, at least you gave it a go. I can make it. (GASPS) Tane! (YELLS) Critchard, hold on, bro. (GASPS) (GRUNTS, YELLS) (ALL GASP) (GROANS) Ho-ly! Did that look cool as? Whoo, it really did. We better run fast. (PANTING) Everybody, make your way into the caves of death. (BOOMING, RUMBLING) (LAVA HISSES) And the princess chose the handsome jester with the luscious orange curls because he was the sensible one. That story was dumb. (EXPLOSIONS) It's the volcano! The volcano is causing all the problems. What? What is going on, Milford? We must go. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) OK, everybody, grab a doily and follow Fridge's lead. Again ` what?! OK, hold it over your head and jump into the windy crack. Uh, no, thanks. Trust her, Fridge. It's Riley. She's smart as. (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) (SIGHS) (YELLS) (LAUGHS) Ow. (LAUGHS) Go! Go! Go! Now! Now! Now! Wait for Mummy! Whoooa! You lot go. I'll stay here and guard the rest as they arrive. Are you sure? Yeah, it's the least I can do, really. See you up there. Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Yoo-hoo! (LAUGHS) OK, all right, um, is that everybody? (RUMBLING, WHOOSHING) (HISSING) Where's Milford? He didn't make it. Your father was a very brave glow-worm. MUFFLED VOICE: How brave was he? (SIGHS) Sorry, I would have popped up sooner, but I landed in this tangled maze of confusion. So what do we do now? Where are we supposed to go? Yes, we are without homes now, or a good place to glorb. Although I did do a big one in there. I hope that's cool. You know what, guys? I think I've got the perfect place. Of course! We'd be delighted to have the glow-worms live here with us. Yeah, that'd be cool as. Choice! (LAUGHS) But what do we do about order and structure and glow-worm leadership? Oh, you don't need to worry about a glow-worm leader. Yay (!) There's a pecking order here ` those who can be pecked and those who can't. It's an effective system. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Oh no! You've left all your delicious moo-kas behind. Not to worry, Fridge. Gwenda can produce some right now. Mm-hm. Coming right up. (HOICKS, COUGHS) Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait. Do you mean mucus? Yes, exactly. But it's pronounced 'moo-kas'. Uh, no, no, it's not. (GASPS) I've... been drinking snot?! (ECHOES) Brace yourselves for my tremendous return! Here he is. (SINGS) Ba-ba-da-ba! (CLEARS THROAT) Hello? (SIGHS) Just wonderful. I finally decide to trumpet my triumphant return, and everybody's... I don't think they're here. And look at the place! Jeez, invest in a broom, why don't ya? Lazy! (BAREFOOT BANDITS THEME MUSIC) Captions by Tracey Dawson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017 Thank you, NZ on Air.