# Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # (SPOOKY MUSIC) Tumeke Space, (LAUGHS) it seems the end is very near for you. Oh, not too near, I hope. I still gotta work out how to get out of this. (CHUCKLES) Argh, is this` is this a granny knot? The only way you're going to escape is in pieces, thanks to my neato laser. JNR-572, you know what to do! I'm sorry, boss. I don't know what to do. Oh, guts! (GLASS BREAKS) Kia ora, Pinky! (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) Guards, stop that woman! That's 'wahine' to you. (ROBOTS GROWL) (GRUNTS) (CHUCKLES) Argh! Let's do this. (GRUNTS) Ooh, man! Sweet moves, oh. She's got moves for days. Argh! (SHRIEKS) Argh, my uniform! No, my powerful uniform. Shot. Thanks for the saves, Wahine. Any chance I can get those digits? Yeah, sure. It's 2-9-6-8... (SCOFFS) Laters! Hold up, was that 'laters' with an 8? Was that the 8 'laters'? Oh, I missed the last few numbers, oh! Yes, Wahine Troubles is awesome! Guys, she needs her own spinoff show. Beware, Riley. Beware the laser beam of doom. Ha! (LAUGHS) Cut it out. Where did you get a laser pointer? Mum got it for me so I could point at things, like this TV and this weird toy and this Tane and this` OK, enough, we get it. Guys, who wants to tell scary stories? (LAUGHS) Oh, no. I'm not listening to your scary nonsense before we go to sleep. I'll have nuh-nightmares. (SNIGGERS) Nuh-nightmares. Why don't you tell the story, Fridge? You can keep it as PG as you want, bro. Doesn't even have to be scary. All right. Well, grab some snacks from my pillow case of deliciousness and prepared to be mildly startled. Whoa, there's enough food in here to last a week. Uh, you say a week. I say an hour. (LAUGHS) Get on with it, bro. It was a dark and well-lit night. Nothing scary was happening. In the distance, you could hear a kind and definitely not scary old man singing a pleasant song. # Yo-ho, yo-ho, we'll take this island, one and all. GROUP SING: # Yo-ho, yo-ho. We'll fight and pillage and never go. # Whoa, how did you do that? That wasn't me. It's a pirate ghost. Do you think he's a friendly ghost? I don't think so. Look! Argh, ye put me down! That's the last of them. Put her with the others. Others? What does he mean? Where's he taking her? (GASPS) There! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Excuse me. Don't you know who I am? Well, let me tell you. I'm actually the mayor of this island, and I demand that you, at the very least, let me out. Hey! Oh. Uh, sorry. And also my good friend Jack here, if you could. Dennis! There's a whole town-load of people trapped on this boat, not to mention I'm seven months pregnant, and all you can think about is yourself? You better hope they don't let me out. Wow! OK. Well, I tell you what, I'm just gonna put that down to the third-trimester grumps. (GROWLS) WHISPERS: They've taken everybody. Except us! Shh. WHISPERS: They'll hear us. (KEA SQUAWKS) Shh. Stupid kea. Huh? Argh, seems as though we've missed a few. (YELPS) Come out, little kiddies. Captain Killick just wants to say hello. No, thank you. Then we'll just have to cut the tree down, won't we? (LAUGHS) Guys, we've gotta go down there. How are we supposed to take on ghosts? You can't stop a ghost. They can go through stuff, like magic ` ghostly magic. We need a ghost of our own. (GASPS) I know. We need Captain Cragglechin. Yes. Argh! (GRUNTS) Now, children, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Captain Killick. This is first mate Scuppers and Mr Grizzleguts. The rest of my crew are known as the Laundry Boys. Yeah, don't ask. It's a long story. You need to... You need to let everybody go and get off our island. (LAUGHS) Look at you, straight to the point. I like that. Are you all this brave? No. There's something quite wrong with him. Why are you doing this? Hmm, why are we doing this? Why are we doing this, Scuppers? Because real estate is a sound investment at the moment. What? No. Because... Hmm, we're pirates. Because we're pirates! (LAUGHS) Yes. You see, we don't have an island. You do have an island. So I think we're gonna go ahead and call this home for, yeah, I don't know,... a few hundred years, give or take. (LAUGHS) Well, you can't just take our home. What are you gonna do with everyone? To be honest, I have not thought that far ahead. (CHUCKLES) But not to worry. The ship isn't going anywhere. Scuppers here has anchored it safely in the bay. Ohhh, I didn't put down the anchor. Does a ghost ship even need to be anchored, though? I... What? I, um... I assume so. So, wait, is the boat floating on the water, or is it... hovering in space? Anyone know the rules? I think you're overthinking it. It's a ghost ship with a ghost anchor. It wouldn't have one if it wasn't important. (SIGHS) Well, I guess I'd better go lower the anchor, then. Yeah, you do that, and I'll deal with the` Children? Oh, should we hunt them down? No. Let them run. They're harmless on their own. What can three kids possibly do? 1 (ALL PANT, WHIMPER) We should be safe here. Um, so how do we call Captain Cragglechin? I have an idea. Just a few simple strokes, like so. A little flourish here. And, OK, we're good to go. Uh, what's with the big skull and crossbones? Bit creepy. Uh, excuse me, that's a smiley face, and those bits are the arms and the legs. Oh, and that bit, well, that's... Oh, yeah. It's a skull and crossbones. Yeah, I can see it now. What's it for? I've seen them do this in movies. It's a way to communicate with the dead. I think it's called a 'science'. Uh, it's definitely not 'science'. I think you mean 'seance'. Cragglechin. Cragglechin! Do you hear me, Cragglechin? Cragglechin! CRAGGLECHIN: Yes, I hear you. (GASPS) It worked! Cragglechin, let your voice flow through me. Ha! I see you're still rocking the afro, Hawaiian shorts combo. Well, good for you. Thanks. Still managing to eat all the pies, by the look of things. (LAUGHS) All right, mate, enough about me. Thank you. Where are you? Here! (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, Captain Cragglechin! Good to see you, bro. Har-har! Tis a pleasure, indeed, to see you Barefoot Bandits again. I just wish it was under better circumstances. You know about our problem? Indeed, girl with glasses. I saw the green moon high above your island, and I suspected in my very viscera you might have a ghost-pirate situation. Yeah! What's up with that green as moon? Legend tells of a crew of pirates who stole a laundry ship that belonged to an old lady. (GASPS) Captain Killick and the Laundry Boys. Har-har! It's been said that the old lady was actually a powerful witch and when she finally caught Captain Killick, she turned the moon blood red and sunk the ship and all its thieving crew to the bottom of the briny, declaring that they may only rise again when the full moon turns green and then must return to their watery grave when the moon glows red. Oh. I've never seen a green moon before. Ah, there's good reason for that, my boy. A green moon only shines once every 400 years. So all we have to do is hide out until the moon turns red. Easy. I vote for hiding out at the dairy. They have the best milkshakes. Argh, you'll be waiting a good long while, my greedy little jellyfish. It'll be six months until we see a red moon. Six months?! But they've got everybody held prisoner on their ship. We have to do something. Well, we'd better not muck about, then. Captain Killick is about to get a visit from Captain Cragglechin MacScuttlebutt. Oh, and his trusty hound. (WHISTLES) (BARKS) (GASPS) Blitzen! (BARKS) (GIGGLES) Come here, come here, come here. I never thought I'd see you again, boy. (GIGGLES) Stop slobbering all` Oh, all right, you can kiss me. Har-har! Well, he's been looking forward to seeing you. But we must get on. Now, Blitzen, use your nose, my hound. Find us some pirates! (SNIFFS) (BARKS) Good boy, Blitzen. Oh, what?! Now, this is just torture. Why would you do such a thing? Eurgh, trust me. I'd much rather swim with the sharks than share a cage with you. Oh, hey, do you hear that?! Hey, pirate ghost! This one here wants to be moved to the ocean, please. Can that be arranged? WHISPERS: There they are. (FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYS) Yo-ho! This is the life, boys. Our own private paradise. I have a lime milkshake here for a First Mate, um, Scoopers` Sc-Scuppers. Oh, yep, that's me. Cheers for that. All good. I just appreciate not being locked in a cage. (LAUGHS) I knew keeping you around was a wise idea. Oh, nice. (SUCKS) First they kidnap everybody. Then they waste perfectly good milkshakes. They must be saved. I have an idea. PIRATE ACCENT: Argh, I'll take one of those milkshakes, thank you, yargh. Here. Take mine. PIRATE ACCENT: Argh, I was hoping for chocolate, but strawberry will do. Hey-argh. I thought he meant save the people. Yeah, no, he never means that. PIRATE ACCENT: Look, I gotta get going, but, argh, first I'll just have a little drinky-poo. (SUCKS) NORMAL VOICE: Blurgh. It's warm. Tie him up! Huh? Argh! (GASPS) They got Fridge. Cragglechin, you have to stop them. Argh, I have an idea. Help me. Help me. Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen, has anyone seen my precious little boy? We really need to discuss these ideas more before we put them into action, yeah? Oh, look at this. Hello. Oh, there he is, my chunky little cherub. All right, Mum. I thought I'd lost you. Now, what did Mammy say about running off to eat fatty foods? Don't? Well, I must thank you all for looking after my squidgy little puffball, but we really must be going. Argh, see, now, there's one problem with that. Scuppers here is going to be taking this little puffball to our ship. And Mr Grizzleguts here, well, (CHUCKLES) he's got a ghost to catch. (LAUGHS) A big hairy ghost. Aw, cute. It's a baby pirate. Huh? What? I'm not a baby. I'm a grown man. Aw, I can't understand the baby ghost. Aren't you precious? Oh, no, no, no. Tread carefully, mate. He's very sensitive about his tiny size. All right, little fatty, come here. I'm gonna punch you in the back of the head. Argh! I'm coming. My idea didn't work. Run! (GROWLS) (RANTS INDISTINCTLY) ...pooch. (GROWLS) (WHINES) (BARKS) Argh, it appears our runaway children have found themselves some help in the form of a fat, old sea captain. I need all eyes on our ship. That's where they'll be heading. Aye-aye, captain. 1 GRIZZLEGUTS: I'm hot on your heels. Better run! (RAMBLES INDISTINCTLY) Hide! I'm gonna getcha. We need you to keep him distracted until we figure all this out, OK, boy? Good boy, Blitzen. (BARKS) Argh! Come here, mutt! Cragglechin, what's wrong? I'm not cut out for this type of thing. I'm not a fighter. I'm a fisherman. I fear I've failed you all. Nah, bro, you haven't failed. You tried to help us. That makes you a good guy, and good guys are already winners. Yeah, plus, who says we need to fight? I mean, we are ideas people. And given some of those ideas have been very bizarre so far, but still. There's gotta be some way to make them leave without having to wait for the moon to turn red. But a red moon is the only thing that'll solve our problem. Then we need to turn that moon red. All right, ha! How? (GASPS) Wahine Troubles. Wahine Troubles, eh?! Ooh. What does that mean? I've still got Fridge's laser pointer. Just like Wahine Troubles reflected a laser beam, we could reflect the laser pointer through a telescope, on to the moon, turning it red! Then, yo-ho-ho, those pirates gotta go. Tu meke! I reckon that'll work. Argh! Brilliant thinking, my girl. We must get to a telescope at once. You and Cragglechin do that, and I'll sneak on to the boat and set everyone free. Who's got bare feet? Not me! I haven't got any legs. (LAUGHS) Ah, you've gotta laugh, haven't you? Oh, I knew this was how it was all going to end. I just pictured it. This is exactly it. Except for the ghost ship and the p` the pirates are weird. Those bits are a surprise. But this cage is right on the money. Oh! Psst. (GASPS) Tane. What are you doing here? It's not safe. I'm gonna set you guys free. Be careful, son. The keys, they're over there. (DING!) We need a distraction. Mr Gobb, pass me your shoe. No. Use your own shoe. Mr Gobb, look, every time you've seen me, I've never had shoes. Oh, how convenient! (SHOE CLATTERS) Oh, what was that?! It sounded like a one-legged man tap-dancing. That I have to see. I'll rescue the others. Take your mum and get to safety. OK, so, the telescope needs to be lined up perfectly with the moon. OK, just here we are. Oh! Way to go, Blitzen. How's it going, hm? Have you got it in your sights? Yep, I see it. Just a little bit to the left. Yeah. OK, there. And... perfect. Wonderful, wonderful. And now for the next bit. OK, head back to your homes. Hang on, mate. I'll take care of that. Um, head to your homes. Yep, stay safe. Um, if a ghost pirate comes to your door, don't let them in. Although, they can probably walk through doors, so... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where's Fridge? KILLICK: Argh, he's a little tied up right now! Oh no! Argh! (RANTS INDISTINCTLY) ...not so fast now, are ya? Argh, there you are. (WHINES) (LAUGHS) You know, it's not easy being a pirate. You spend your years sailing the sea, stealing this, pillaging that. Then a witch curses you to the bottom of the ocean for 400 years! Huh. But then everything starts looking up and we find an island where we can kick back and settle down. But you lot have taken that from me! Yeah, it's pretty selfish, guys. So now I'm gonna take something from you. Hey! You let Fridge go! Hey, stop right there. (RANTS INDISTINCTLY) ...no more. Come on, Riley. All right, this is it. Right, then, let's light her up. (WHIMPERS) I hope I'm a floater. (LAUGHS) No need to worry. I'm sure those rocks down there will catch your fall. Huh, what was that? Red moon, bro! Yo-ho-ho, time to go. (CHUCKLES) No! It's too soon. It's too soon! (RANTS INDISTINCTLY) What's going on? Magic. Scuppers, do something! Uh, sorry, mate. Uh, I can't. (GROWLS) Whoa! (SIGHS) That was close. Yes! It totally worked! (PANTS) Lasers rule! Argh, I couldn't agree with you more. I don't know what a laser is, but rule it does. Uh, guys? I'm going down! Blitzen, fetch! (WHIMPERS, LAUGHS) I'm flying! With a ghost dog! Today is weird! Good boy! You taught him to fetch. That's awesome. Huh. So you can teach an old dog new tricks. He just has to be dead. Well, I reckon it's time for Blitzen and I to get going. It's been a pleasure to be in the presence of the Barefoot Bandits. If you don't mind, Blitzen and I have got some fishing to get back to. Uh, can you even eat fish? Cos, you know, you're a ghost. Ghost fish. As the saying goes, there's plenty of ghost fish in the sea. Is that a saying, Riley? (LAUGHS) Wonderful! Cos I don't think it's a saying. (FUNKY MUSIC) Captions by Desney Shaw. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017