You're moving into Big Mac's? He kinda wants us to stay. My house has many rooms, Arlo. And you... can take your pick. There is no bloody way in hell I am having a Groomspiel. What's a Groomspiel? Traditional Weld stag party. There's this place, a holiday home. It's really nice, and it's empty. In return for minding it, we can live there. Aren't kids of your generation meant to be living at home well into your 20s? I really wanna do this. (JOHN FARNHAM'S 'YOU'RE THE VOICE') # We're all someone's daughter. # We're all someone's son. # How long can we look at each other... # down the barrel of a gun? (DRUMS IN TIME WITH SONG) (LIP-SYNCS) # You're the voice, try and understand it. # Make the noise and make it clear! # Oh-oh-oh. # Oh. Oh, sorry mate. Didn't hear you come in. I can't hear you over the music. The music's a bit too loud. Yeah, I can't hear ya, mate. (MUSIC STOPS PLAYING) Free-ballin', eh? (CHUCKLES) That's risky business when you're cooking bacon. Yeah, when the kids were younger, we used to send them to their grandparents. And Laura and I would have what we called 'sans-clothing days'. Heck, well, I can respect that. I thought I'd try it again, but it's not as much fun on your own. No. No, it wouldn't be. Hey, jigsaw puzzles ` they're a bit more fun in the buff. Yeah, and a whole lot more fun when you do it in the buff with your missus. (CACKLES) Yeah, well, we didn't do jigsaw puzzles. Right. Well, mate, I've got two favours to ask. OK. First one ` how do you feel about being my best man? Oh, I'd love to. I'd be honoured. Oh! Maybe not just... Oh, just... Yeah. Ooh. Oh, strewth. OK. Uh... What's the second favour? Um,... I need protection, mate ` from Groomspiel. I thought you weren't having one of those? Yeah, I know, I know. I've told 'em so many times. (SULTRY MUSIC) No. Nah. No! Oi! So you want me to reiterate? Tell them it's not happening? (SCOFFS) Yeah. That's not gonna work. No, I need you to tell me if you hear anything, OK? Cos I think they're gonna try and spring it on me when I least expect it. And George, I'm just` I'm just so on edge, and I` Morning! Hey! (SIGHS) I better get back to Trace, but just... let me know if you hear anything, yeah? 'Course. Sorry, am I interrupting? Nah, nah, nah, nah. Your timing's spot on. Although, if you had've got here any earlier, you would have seen... George cooking in the nude. I'll see you later, mate! I got you a coffee, in case you wanted one. Thank you. Nude cooking, eh? Yeah, well, it's what empty nesters do, isn't it? I don't know. I don't think Billy's ever gonna move out. It's good that you're lining your stomach ahead of a day of manly behaviour. Groomspiel is today. Today? It can't be. Yeah, it is. No, I'm going to Big Mac's. He's got a planning meeting. His place is the traditional launchpad of Groomspiel. OK. Well, Woody was just saying he's terrified. Should we warn him? Mm, Groomspiel's happening whether Woody wants it or not. OK. So your job is not to warn him but to help him live through it. OK, well, I'll make sure that he keeps both of his eyebrows. This isn't a juvenile stag night, George. It's Groomspiel. So today, I will take care of Tracey, and you... look after your mate, OK? That's the best we can do. OK. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017 'Empty Nesters. Definition ` parents whose children have moved out of home 'to begin their own adult lives. They say that empty nest syndrome 'can be the beginnings of mid-life anxiety.' I say bring it on. 'The chance to relive the hedonistic, carefree, 'responsibility-free days of my youth ` 'starting with a good old-fashioned stag do.' Mate, this is Woody. Leave us a message. How am I supposed to warn you about the Groomspiel when you won't answer your phone? It's today, Woody. Today. I reckon George is gonna be a good best man. You know? Cos he's a responsible kind of guy. You know? Yeah, nah, he's the right guy. (SIGHS) You're lucky. Oh, you still haven't decided? It's just that if I ask Fiona, Katie might get upset. If I ask Katie, Fiona might get upset. Yeah. I wish I had a sister. What, just so she could be your bridesmaid? My sister would be a great bridesmaid. Yeah, well, if you had one. Actually, what does this sister look like? Is she`? Is she older than you, or is she a little bit... a little bit younger? Dork! (LAUGHS) Oh! Sorry, Popps. Hey, sorry! Don't mind us, we're just having a little bit of a morning canoodle. Woody, don't embarrass her! (SCOFFS) What? Can I get you anything? Some toast, juice? Oh, I'm OK. Yeah, she can help herself, Trace. Yeah, of course, sorry. You don't need me waiting on you. I'm just not really a breakfast person, so... Oh yeah, sweet. Woody. Right. Uh, yeah. Um, Popps... Breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day, so,... yeah, you probably shouldn't skip it. OK... Is the Groomspiel on? George has been summoned to the McNamara residence. Those goons just can't help themselves. Well, it is a celebration of manliness. What do you expect? Not a lot. Yeah, but your view is clouded by the fact that your ex-husband's Groomspiel ended up with him in the Stafford drunk-tank for the night. Boys will be boys, and idiots, idiots. (SIGHS) Hey. We are fleeing. I'm not entirely sure what from, exactly, but we're definitely fleeing. Good luck! It's like we've moved to Twin Peaks. Morning, George! Morning. Welcome to Groomspiel. I didn't think this would be your kind of thing. Oh, me, I'm not participating. I'm what you might call a... safety officer. Oh. Yeah, on that note, I'm gonna need your keys. So I can't escape? (LAUGHS) No. For your own safety. Yeah, great. So, there's a cup of green tea by the pool if you want it. Green tea? Go crazy. There's no drinking before gunfire, George. That's the rule. Gunfire? BILL: George! Welcome. Big Mac. Lads. George. George. Sorry about the pretext. But some guys shy away from the idea of Groomspiel. Grooms mainly, from what I can gather. (GENTLE LAUGHTER) They all see the light. Eventually. Cheers. Cheers. SMILER: Only me! Hey Tracey, Poppy. Woody. Come on, mate. Time to go. Go where? That job. Well, we don't have any job on today, mate. I think we do. I'm not going anywhere with you, Smiler. I think you are. Hey! OK. All right, all right. Oi! Keep` All right, all right. It's only for one day, and then you and Tracey can look forward to a long and happy life together. Why does he have to do this thing? That's what I don't get. It's tradition, Tracey. Come on, Woody. You'll rest a lot easier once it's out of the way. Wedding's not for another week. Yeah, resistance is futile, you know it. You've been to these things before. Yes, and I don't want mine to end up like Robbie's. It won't, because no one wants to live through that again. It wasn't entirely my fault, just for the record. All right, well look, I leave all my possessions to both of you, all right? 50-50! I love ya! (WESTERN SHOWDOWN MUSIC) Hello? George? Hello, Tracey. You're there, aren't you? At the Groomspiel. They've kidnapped Woody. I did try and warn him, but he didn't answer his phone. This isn't good, George. Look, Tracey, they're just all sitting around drinking green tea, maybe it's not as bad as you think. I mean we are all grown-ups, after all` You're Woody's best man. It is your best manly duty to make sure that he... he survives today. BILL: George! No communication with the outside world. Promise me, George. I promise. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. Hello? Anyone home? Oh, jackpot. Dad's just done the shopping. What do you feel like? There's bread, salad stuff, hummus, pesto... Ooh, what about this big, beautiful hunk of meat. I thought you were vegan. Oh no, that's just a rumour I started so I didn't have to eat Dad's gag bowl. Let's roast this bad boy. I'm not really that good a chef. It's more Dad and Arlo's thing. No sweat. I can find my way around a kitchen. Great. Well, you get started, and I'll deal to the washing. They took him. He went. After everything he said. Didn't give him much choice. (SIGHS) Right. You're coming with me. And you. Let's get you ready. Huh. Gidday, Big Mac. Gidday, boys. Woody. Um, hey, I was thinking. Why don't we go for the record? Fastest Groomspiel ever. Just knock it on the head by lunchtime. (LAUGHS) The Groomspiel takes as long as the Groomspiel takes. Yeah, I was worried you were gonna say something like that. Gentlemen. We are born to hunt and fight until the day we meet the woman ` or, these days, sometimes the man ` who can tame us, turn us into actual, almost, fully evolved human beings. But until that time, we celebrate the bastard within. And we honour the one about to be tamed. Bring forth the Kopfhut! ALL: Kopfhut! The what-what? The crown that tames the stag. The literal translation is 'head hat'. Come on, you don't actually expect me to wear that, are ya? Hey! (HAT JINGLES) To the Stagmeister! ALL: The Stagmeister! Let sports begin! (ALL GROWL, YELL) 1 So, the Groomspiel is underway? Why do you think we're here? Apart from the good food, obviously. They've taken him. Then let's get this show on the road. You know what? I wouldn't mind a quiet night. No way. If they get to have their stupid tradition, so do we. Transport is sorted. It's like a hen's party thing. Yeah, I guessed. And you can come. Nah, I'm good. I think I'll just hang at home. Or you can hang out with us. Yeah, we'll probably head to my place and figure something out from there. And the more the merrier. If that's OK? Yeah. Pull! (GUN FIRES TWICE) Missed them both, Tom. What if they'd been fleeing criminals? Lucky we live in a civilised society, isn't it? Righto, who's next? Me. No, no, not after you almost killed Robbie at his Groomspiel. Well, that was an accident. You're the designated puller until I say otherwise. I have paid my dues. Robbie un-best-man-ded me. Never been best man before. George, you're up. I might just sit this one out, thanks, Big Mac. At the Groomspiel, all men must compete. Except me. You'll get your chance. George, you're up. Pull! (POW! POW!) (IMPRESSED LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Impressive, George! Woody. Oh, I'm not really into blood sports, mate. The groom is the person who shoots last at every Groomspiel. ALL: Groomspiel. Right-oh. OK. You` You can take your hat off to shoot, Woody. Oh, OK, yeah, thanks mate. Give it here. Pull! (POW! POW!) Ooh, worst. (DISAPPROVING MUTTERS) Righto. And the scores so far ` George is on two, I'm on one, everyone else is on zero. Well done, George! Beginner's luck. A toast! SMILER: Ooh! Hooray! This is when Robbie's do started to go downhill. Even more than when Monty almost blew his own head off. Oh, no, they're doing shots. I can't do this to Trace, man, not after everything that happened in Australia. (SIGHS) Raise our glasses to the sky to celebrate the bastards who have gone before. ALL: Yeah. BILL: To the fallen! ALL: To the fallen! On ya, mate! On ya. STRAINED: You're welcome. (BELCHES) As an empty nester, you're free. Free of responsibility. Free to make stupid decisions. Like drinking your mate's shots so he can safely make it down the aisle to start on his journey to the next stage of life. That boy of yours is a smart one, George. Does you proud. Oh, thank you. You're OK with them spending so much time here? Yeah, fine. It's good to have the two of them there, injecting a bit of life into the place. You can send them back any time you want, you know? What, you getting bored of your own company already, George? (LAUGHS) Nah, not at all. You're in the back. Age gets to ride up front. The smell's even worse than it was for Robbie's. I maintain this is not an entirely safe mode of transport. Men need to travel in a manly vehicle, Tom, it's tradition. Yeah, so was dunking witches. But we've done OK without that one. (BROODS' 'BRIDGES' PLAYS) Don't you guys have, like, your own place to infest these days? SHAY: We came on a food raid. Then we thought we'd cook something here. But then that turned out to be hard work. So we took a rest. Also, you can't cook. Then we decided we'd wait for Dad to come home, when he'd be so happy to see us, he'd cook for us. Yeah, that's not gonna happen today. Hey, you can cook. Cook for us. Yeah, there's a lamb hoof thingy over there. Do you mean a leg of lamb? Yeah, that. Cook it. What, because you just tell me to? Come on, Arlo. Impress your girlfriends with your flash culinary skills. We could go back to Grandpa's place. They're probably halfway to Stafford by now. Nah, it's OK. I will stay and cook. Yay! (LAUGHS) I can help, if you want. I used to cook in the pub all the time. Yeah, OK. Great, well, should we crack into it? (LAUGHTER) Oh, guys, I don't know about this. Couple of drinks, that's all. And dancing. Mm. And dancing. And if you're lucky... I think that is enough on the 'and' front. Come on, it'll be fun. Maybe not. NGAHUIA: Kia ora, ladies. (WOMEN GREET) Ngahuia, hi! Well, I could not miss Tracey's farewell to single life. I presume it involves that monstrosity pulling up outside? (GASPS) It's here. (ENGINE HUMS) Yes! Pretty big for the six of us, don't you think? Maybe we'll pick up a few extras on the way, if you know what I mean. All aboard, ladies! Ooh, hello, driver. A stripper pole, classy. Once upon a time, I would have worked the living daylights out of one of these bad boys. (SIGHS) Remember the last time we were on one of these together? I'll give you a clue. You were my maid of honour. Yes, I remember. Well, you were the sensible one ` not marrying him, like I did. GEORGE: What? You've never noticed that before? The missing apostrophe. No, I haven't. Stafford's famous for its punctuation crimes. Once you see them, they're everywhere. (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) How about some shooty-up shots, eh? (LAUGHS) SMILER: No, no, I don't drink. I don't drink. They like to replace S's with Z's in Stafford, for some reason. GEORGE: More than they like apostrophes, clearly. And the concept of using the exclamation mark once at the end of the sentence ` beyond them! To the fallen! ALL: To the fallen! And once more! As we summon the spirit of the great berserkers. As we go into battle. OK! Time to liven things up a bit. Let's play 'never have I ever'. Ugh, do we have to? Yes, we do. It'll be so much fun on the waters. I don't know what that is. Oh, it's a drinking game about honesty. So, for example, if I were to say, 'Never have I ever had a one-night stand,' all those people who have had one-night stands have to drink. OK, Brenda, you're up first. Never have I ever had sex in my place of work. Mm. Yep. Mm. You've had sex in the super store? I think this baby might have been conceived there. (LAUGHTER) Ngahuia, you're up. Never have I ever... stolen my best friend's guy. I didn't steal him. He'd already moved on. OK, that got dark really quickly. (CHUCKLES) Tracey! Rescue us. Never have I ever made love to a man on the dining room table on a jigsaw puzzle we'd just done together in the nude. OK, a little bit too specific there, Trace. Katie! Never have I ever... been pregnant on my wedding day. OK, you know what? Let's scrap that game. We'll just, uh, keep eating and drinking, shall we? Yeah. God, I hope Woody's OK. # Self-destruct now. # Self-destruct. # Do it right. # Self-destruct. # Make it feel so good! GEORGE: Woody, I'm coming! (MONTY SCREAMS) # I gotta give it to you. # Self-destruct. WOODY: No more. Nah, no more. I'm done! 1 POPPY: Most of the time, he just tries to be my friend. But every now and then, he thinks, 'Hold on, I'm the dad, so I'd better act like one.' (SCOFFS) Yeah. Woody as a father ` that's still a concept I'm trying to wrap my head around. Like, the other day, I hadn't finished my homework, and he started telling me off about it. Hey, check this out. Woody kind of realises halfway through telling me off, and it throws him. (LAUGHS) Yeah, I bet. He has no idea, does he? Not a clue. (SIGHS) Is it over yet? Just one more game ` hang in there. Oh yeah, that's easy for you to say. Everyone thinks it's funny to shoot the groom. It hurts, George. Yeah, I know, I know. Comrades. Monty. But who is the best comrade? That's the question. Sorry? Or best man, you might say. We're not in the heat of battle. I think it's gonna be you, George. (AIR HORN SOUNDS) MUFFLED: Battle stations, gentlemen. Let's seize the day and seize the flag! SMILER: Yeah, let's do it! Seize the flag! Ah! Monty, I'm on your side, you idiot! Whoops! (LAUGHS) Friendly fire. Come on, men! You just stay here. We're in safe hands. (TENSE MUSIC) (CLOTHING RUSTLES) Yargh! Dad, you got me in the butt! The condition of man, Monty, is the condition of war ` everyone on everyone. Well, you could have shot that 'everyone' instead of your own son. Well, maybe I still will. Bugger! Victory! Victory! (LAUGHS) Woo! ALL: To the fallen! BILL: And top up your glasses for our most valuable player, Do we have to? Gotta even out the contest somehow, George. SEAN: Yeah! Fill them up, Billy-boy! All right, um... To the fallen. ALL: To the fallen! Righto, lads, moving on! That's it. You're lasting well! By this time at Robbie's thing, he was half-cut. I'm tough, mate. Nah, bring them on, I reckon, eh? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (DUNES' 'HORSES' PLAYS) Tracey, put this on. Oh, wow! A pink veil ` classy. Well, it's either that or this. (LAUGHS) Ooh, I'll take that, thank you very much. Ooh! (LAUGHS) Ooh! (LAUGHS) You know, when I used to drive the school bus, it was always the naughty kids that sat up the back. Mm, that would be about right. You and Ngahuia kinda need to kiss and make up, huh? I guess I could say sorry for the beetroot incident. But the thing is, if I'm honest, I'm not sorry about the rest of it. She and Zach were over. And thanks to Mr Fertility, pretty much the first time we, you know, I got Billy out of it. So how can I be sorry about that? Yeah. You're lucky. He's a great kid. I'm sorry that you and Robbie didn't have any kids. No, God, I'm not. I mean yes, the kid part, but` I mean, I want a child more than anything. But I'm glad it wasn't with him, because otherwise he'd still be in my life. Zach really knocked you up the first time? That's how it works with him. Katie, get down here! Come on, hurry up! Come on, you! (CHEERING, LAUGHTER) Any more of these and I will be the fallen. Mate, you are a dead-set legend. You're the best, mate, you are. In golf, I think, George, you may have met your match, for I am the McNamara family golfing champion. (INHALES SHARPLY) There you go, George (LAUGHS) Good one, Monty! That was` That was just luck, Monty. That was... You're a good mate to Woody, taking one for the team. You noticed. Eh, well, I'm more observant than most. Yeah, well,... any time you want to take one for the team, you just... sing out. (LAUGHS) You're doing such a good job. Aw! How's the empty nesting going? Oh, it has its upside. Peace and quiet. Over...rated. Mike wanted to move out a year ago. The caravan was a compromise. He can come and go as he pleases, and I get the peace and quiet without the loneliness. Plus ` get this ` I get to charge him board! (LAUGHS) Win-win! Well, now you got... Ngahuia hanging round. Yeah, well, we can't win them all. Shouldn't stop you, though. Stop me what? Finding someone to fill the void, now the kids are gone. (SIGHS) It's a shame Poppy didn't want to come. Mm. Would she really want to hang around with us lot? Ngahuia throwing her weight around. Yeah. Might have been a bit boring for her. Mm. Is everything all right with you two? She seems like a lovely kid. Oh, she is! So polite. And quiet, and... I don't think she likes me. What?! What's not to like? I dunno. I don't really know what I'm doing, Katie. Like, does she want me to be her mum, or her friend, or...? What does she want me to be? If anything. How's Woody handling it? (SIGHS) He's really relaxed. Like you need to be. Poppy's probably a bit homesick ` strange new land, strange new people. Didn't you feel a bit like that when you first got here? Yeah, I did. And then someone started a conversation with me while I was buying milk and invited me to book club. And here we are today, getting ready for your wedding. Ooh! Come on, bridey, enough gossiping in the loo. Let's go get pampered. Come on. OK. So, how long are you back for? Oh, that depends ` in part, on Ike. And how is my little brother going with his self-discovery? Making progress. What's the other part? Sorry? Oh, you said Ike was only part of the reason that you're here. Oh, there's always plenty going on around here, Fiona. You know that. Not really. Well, certainly enough to keep me here for the foreseeable future. I'm hungry. (ALL CHEER) ALL CHANT: George! George! George! It was all luck. It was all luck! Now, men, we need to consider our dining options. Hen gets to choose the restaurant. The Groomspieler shall decide where we will hunt! ALL: Groomspiel. Oh, there's this new Mongolian barbecue place that Woody and I were keen to try. Trace and I read about this new Mongolian barbecue place. OK. Mongolian barbecue it is, then. Whatever it is. And then ` clubbing. But is it authentic Mongolian? Yeah, I heard it's more North-Chinese rather than Mongolian. Hey, what's wrong with New Zealand barbecue? The Stafford Steak House. The Stafford Steak House, it is. Let's go, boys! (CHEERING) 1 This is great. You two make an awesome team in the kitchen. Uh, I helped too. Oh, yeah, sorry, Lindsay. You cut up stuff real good. Great work. SIOUXIE: Seriously, this is really good ` best lamb ever. Aren't you, like, a vegan? I am. I'm one of the special vegans allowed to eat meat. And this gravy is, like, sublime. I used to make it for the Sunday roast at the pub. So what roast did you do there? Kangaroo? Don't knock 'roo until you've tried it. The best sort is if you get one that's been run over by an 18-wheeler. It's already kinda tenderised. (LAUGHS) I'm kidding. Hey, Poppy. Um, can I have a word? Um, sure. That was a great dinner. Thank you. Thanks. But your brother did most of the work. Yeah, but with you beside him, you made a good team. He's not a bad guy, eh? For a ginga. Yes. From my limited experience, he's a nice guy. Well, you could do a lot worse, around here. I mean, Billy's nice... in a boy-man kinda way. Lindsay's brother Jared is a mini version of his creepy dad ` avoid. And Ollie from the servo ` definitely avoid. Well, what I'm... trying to say is... Weld has a limited gene pool. So if you find someone you connect with, you should go for it. Arlo's girlfriend seems nice too. We wanna know why you and your stupid sister don't just go back to Aussie. Tell your sister she's a skank. 'Buddy' this, buddy. Yeah. I'm the new girl here. So... even if I did have feelings for Arlo, which I` I don't, it would be social suicide for me to nick someone else's boyfriend. The smell, I swear it's evolved! Yeah, it grows on ya. Yeah, that's what I fear. Why? Why? The apostrophe... before the Z? 'Night' with an E? All of it. Only the good people of Stafford know. You're not coming in? You know how they say about not being seen dead in certain places? That's one of them. Have fun. I feel the dance is strong in me tonight. I took lessons, you know. (LAUGHS) So if you ever need to, like` for me to be at a wedding party, for example, I reckon` Nobody cares, Monty! (CACKLES) So, who did Robbie get? Huh? After he un-best-manned you? Oh. Bill Junior? Some guy from Auckland. Knew him all of five minutes. Apparently he's a better man than me all along. Hah! Most men are. Oh, Monty! BILL JR SLURS: Look, I don't think you know who we are. $10 cover charge unless you're a chick. Aw! Chicks! What is this? 1960? I'll take care of the cover charge, boys, in you go. Woody, Woody. You know how I've been doing you a favour all day? Well, now it's your turn. Oh, this doesn't involve me being there for you when you have a spew, does it? No. No, Woody, it does not. Well, whatever. Anything for the best best man ever. (KITSCH HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, hang on. What the...? Ngahuia? Oh, God. Woody? Trace! BILL: Hey! This... is the Groomspiel. MEN MUTTER: Groomspiel. You cannot be here! This is a nightclub, Bill. Anyone of age can be here. And we got in free cos we're chicks. And we were here first. The bride at the Groomspiel is bad luck! MEN MUTTER: Groomspiel. Mm, yeah, but I wasn't at Robbie's Groomspiel, and look what happened there. You stay away. Happy to. OK, do not ` do not ` interact with them. OK, I just need to talk to Woody` No, Tracey. This is bigger than you now. Come on. WOODY: May I please have a quick`? BILL: No, no, no, no, Woody. You are in Groomspiel. MEN MUTTER: Groomspiel. You're with us tonight, not her. Trace, Trace! (MEN GROAN AND MUTTER) Do you need a hand with the dishes? Cooks never clean. House rule. OK, right. Then I might split. Bye, Poppy. You shouldn't be walking home alone at night. Arlo, be a mate and make sure Poppy gets home safe. It's Weld. She'll be fine. I'm totally cool. Arlo, be a gentleman. OK. Yeah, sure. I really think... No arguments. Actually, we should be going anyway. You don't wanna stay and help us with the dishes, Lindsay? I'm fine, thanks. See you guys. See ya. Bye. (KISSES) Do we really have to do all these dishes? We could do it in the morning. I'll leave a note for Dad. Works for me. Am I the right man? Eh? I mean, you and me, we're friends. We're` We're new friends. New-ish. You know? God, how many shots have I had? Best men should be old friends. You reckon? Yeah, so think about this. Who is your oldest friend here? Who have you known since you first came to Weld? Someone who is very keen, almost desperate, to be your guy. Right. Ah, Smiler! Someone else. Someone very obvious. Oh, gotcha! But hang on ` can women be best men? What? Hannah! Hannah. You know, cos we're great, you know, surfing buddies. Let's just say, in this case, no. Try again. Uh, Zac? No. Tom? No! Please don't say Bill Jr. No! But you're getting warmer. Yeah, of course. Hey! Hah! Here he is ` the Groomspiel, and his best man. I salute you! (GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) Hey, cheers, mate. But you actually got that a little bit wrong. Oh, gosh, Monty gets it wrong again. How surprising is that? No, no, no. Monty, George ` he's not my best man. You are, mate. I am so not your best man. Yeah, Monty, you are. This isn't a pity best-manning, is it? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll take it. Because being a best man is my life-long ambition. Monty, look, I love George, right? He's a good friend. And a new friend that I've had the pleasure of getting to know since he's arrived in our little hamlet. But on reflection, mate ` best man duties? That's for the old friends. And when I first moved to Weld, many, many moons ago, who's the first guy I met? Was it me? Bloody oath, it was. When I didn't know anyone, you took me under your wing, you showed me around. I did do that, didn't I? Monty, you found me a place to live. You got me my first job ` which I promise I am gonna finish one day. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) No, no. Monty, because of you, mate, I am where I am today. That's why I want you to be my best man. Yeah! Well, gentlemen,... (CLEARS THROAT) if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna celebrate with a dance that I call The Dance of the Best Man. (LAUGHS) (FRANTIC HOUSE MUSIC) Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, nice speech. Listening to myself say all that ` I don't know why I didn't think to ask him in the first place. Whoo-hoo! Go Monty! Yoo! (LAUGHS) (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hey! The Groomspiel is getting away. Sean, Sean, Sean, now is not the time to be a whistle-blower. But you` But you` No! Zip. OK, fair call. What do we do now? Um... Hey, you fellas need a lift back to Weld? Yes, Ike, we do! All right, climb in, then. Ikie! Hang on, hang on, what about the others? Oh, there's room on the party bus. Yeah, OK. Ike, you're a legend. Dear God, what is that smell? Oh, have you been up to the heads yet? Oh, you have to check it out, especially at sunset. It is a little bit of a hike but totally worth it. We should get some fish and chips, maybe, like, next weekend. Actually, isn't there a surf club party or something coming up next week? OK, this is me! Was that weird? The way she just kind of` The oldies won't be home for ages. We can do whatever we want. OK. Hey. Hey. You're not dancing. No, I dance on the inside. Yeah, I can see that. Hey, um, I need to talk to you. Yeah, sure. Fire away. No, not in here. Come on. You must think this is the worst Groomspiel ever. Humans aren't meant to be alone, George. If you put men and women together, this is what should happen. (LAUGHS) To our fallen. To our fallen. (GRUNTS) Until the next Groomspiel, George. (GRUNTS) Maybe it'll be yours. (CHUCKLES) Or yours. (LAUGHS) What the hell? You right there? No, I'm not, actually. Look, I get that punctuation and grammar aren't everyone's cup of tea, but seriously, this has gotta be some kind of a joke. Is there a problem here? Yes. Do you want a list? You can't kick me out for noticing crimes against the English language! I shouldn't of let you in in the first place. Did you say 'shouldn't of'? It's shouldn't 'have.' Hey, Monty. Can you give us a sec? Oh. But I'm on fire! Yeah, can you be on fire somewhere else? (SCOFFS) We need to make this right ` you and me. What happened. We do. Yeah, but you need to know that I'm not sorry about it. I mean, I'm sorry that we're not friends any more, but I'm not about Zac. You guys were emotionally dead and buried when I, you know, with him. Yeah, I know. But I was just too proud to admit it at the time. Oh. OK. Well, I got you this. Well, I don't really like frothy cocktails. Yeah, I know, it's not for drinking. It's for you to throw at me ` to make up for the beetroot incident. And that way we're equal, and we` (SHRIEKS) Oh my God! You could have given me some warning! Right, you ` out! She threw the drink at me! In my experience, the one wearing the drink always started it. Oh, she totally started it! (LAUGHS) I just got kicked out of the worst bar in Stafford. So did I. Come on. (HEAVY BREATHING) OK. Good talk. Wasn't what I was expecting, but` I thought it would be great having the place to myself ` doing what I want, when I want. Cooking naked. (LAUGHS) Yeah, fun in theory. But I won't be making a habit of that. Getting thrown out of bars. Yeah, well, that'll teach them to mess with this grammar Nazi. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) But... it's just not what I imagined, I suppose. I always thought I'd be alone with someone. Alone... with someone. (CHUCKLES) I get it. I'm... I'm a bit drunk. What happened to your top? Oh. I guess you could call it a peace offering. OK, you must be freezing. Yeah, it is getting quite chilly. Hi. Hi! How's it? BILL: Best Groomspiel ever! (WOMAN CHEERS) CHANTS: Groomspiel, cha-cha-cha! ALL CHANT: Groomspiel, cha-cha-cha! Home, James! And don't spare the horses. (YELLS) (CHANTING CONTINUES) (WOODY AND TRACEY SPEAK INDISTINCTLY) And I've been` You survived! Oh, mate, we escaped. Are you doing homework?! Yeah? On a Saturday night? Yeah. But I had dinner with Arlo, Lindsay, Shay and Siouxie. Oh, that sounds like it was a pretty good night. Yeah, I guess. It was a little bit weird. I dunno. Yeah. This town, Popps, the people in it, they can get a bit weird. But... you get used to it. I promise ya. OK. And the homesickness thing ` it goes. It's perfectly normal. New town. New country. New friends. New... stepmum. Stepmum? I think that's what I am. Is it? If you wanna be. Yeah. I do. You didn't sign up for a stepdaughter. Well, no. It's actually pretty convenient for me, because I was trying to figure out who to have as my bridesmaid. See, there's Fiona and Katie. But I can't ask one without offending the other. So... how about it? How about...? Would you be my bridesmaid? Really? I can't think of anything more perfect. (SQUEALS) (GIGGLES) (GIGGLES) 1 # Wake up. # Wake up. # Get up. # Get up. # Get out of bed. (LAUGHS) # Stop wasting time. Virgin Mary? Didn't stop her getting pregnant, either. (LAUGHTER) They'll all crash out soon. Then we can do what we want. Yeah. Cool. Ugh. Stupid, stupid, stupid... Ooh. Who's stupid? Oh. I am. Mm. Tell me more. Nothing. Just drank too much, that's all. Wasn't that the whole point? You want a coffee? Please! Well, I for one, thought last night went really well. # Disappointed, cos you said that change was gonna come, come, come. # (RINGING) (RINGING CONTINUES) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) Ugh. Oh my God. This is exactly how I imagined you looking this morning. Oh, you heard about the Groomspiel? No. What's a Groomspiel? Something I donated my liver to to save a friend. Oh. I sent you something last night, didn't I? Yes, you did. I sent you a column. The word 'diatribe' more springs to mind. You don't like Stafford very much, do you? It being the place where... READS: 'Inbred people clearly go to breed with other inbred people 'to create people so inbred the only way they could be more inbred is by breeding with themselves.' Which I have to say is somewhat extreme, given that this... column seems to be about punctuation. Well, in my defence, it was very late at night. Yet, remarkably, it is exactly 800 words. I vaguely remember it. If only you achieved this through editing it so that it ends mid-sentence on the word 'crapulent.' I'll write you another one today. Or I could just print this one. I mean, it is brilliant. But it'll get you fired. And you'll never be able to go to Stafford again. Another one. You look like crap, George. Get some sleep. After you've sent me a new column. (BEEP!) Bye. (MELLOW MUSIC) (LAUGHS WHEEZILY) 'The empty nest should be a celebration. 'You've done your job. You've raised your kids. 'You've sent fully functioning humans off into the world. 'But the thing about the empty nest is... I'm sure it's not meant to be this empty. 'I thought there'd be two people... together, alone. 'Alone together. 'But she's gone, and they're gone, and it's just me.' Hey, wakey-wakey, Georgie! (HAMMERING ON DOOR) (GASPS) It lives! Woody said you'd be in a state today. Hey, I brought you a care package. Painkillers. Gotta get some glucose in you, mate. Carbs and salt so you can eat your way to a better you. OK, George, uh, we've had a preliminary wedding meeting. And as best man, I'm just gonna be handing out chores for the day. No, Monty, Monty ` let him catch his breath, all right? He had a rough day yesterday. Woody said you were amazing, by the way. Give the truckies at Mum's pub a run for their money, by the sound of it. Respect for that. Let's crack these bad boys. I'm starving. 'Yep. The empty nest thing ` turns out it's for the birds.'