# www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2007. # All the lights are coming on now. # How I wish that it would snow now. # I don't feel like going home now. # I wish that I could stay. # All the trees are on display now. # And it's cold now... (ALARM BEEPS) We should get moving. We've got a big day. (OK.) # I wish that I could walk. # I wish that I could walk # yYou home. # All the lights are coming on now # Sunday after Thanksgiving ` busiest travel day of the year. Can you remind me again, Blair, why you're travelling today? The year will fly by. I'll be home next Christmas. I love you, Mommy. Oh, sweetheart! She's gonna be fine. Oh, Daddy. I love you. Bye, honey. Love you! I love you! Think she'll be OK? She'll be better than OK. I meant in Peru, in the jungle. Stop worrying about this. The Peace Corps won't send her someplace dangerous. It just won't be the same. What won't? Christmas. I'm doing dessert for the art lunch and I need a few things from Chip's. Here's a spot right there. I need white chocolate and pistachios. I didn't bring the umbrella. I need that stuff from Chip's. I didn't bring the umbrella. Well, I still need it. It's gonna have to wait. OK, look, you stay in the car. I'll go, I'll go. Put your... I'll go. Look, it's just sprinkling. Listen, don't forget. Dixons white chocolate, one-pound bar, and March Brothers pistachios. OK! (HORN BEEPS) You should use an UMBRELLA! I just need some white chocolate! (SOBS) What's the matter? I just talked to Blair. She called from the plane. She called from the airplane? Do you have any idea how much that costs? How is she? She's fine. She misses us. I went over there. I tripped - You didn't get the white chocolate. They didn't have any. Did you talk to Rex? Who's Rex? The butcher. As odd as it is, I didn't think of asking the butcher about chocolate. But I will. Thank you. I'll go talk to Rex right now. Maybe he'll wonder why I'm all wet. (HORN BLARES) You sure you don't need a...? Hey, buddy, can I get one of those? Oh, sure. Thanks. I really think you need an umbrella! No! You know why I don't want one of your stupid umbrellas?! I... (GURGLES) Cos I... (GURGLES) ..couldn't... ..get any wetter! '(SEA BIRDS CALL)' (THUNDER RUMBLES) Morning, Luther. Hi, Mr Krank. Morning, Mr Krank. It'll be so different this Christmas, won't it? Yes, it will. So different. Nothing will be the same. For the first time in 23 years, Blair won't be here. Might even get depressing. Hmm. Lot of depression at Christmas, you know? Yeah, well... I would just love to forget about it. (LAUGHS) What are you looking at? Why are you looking at me like that? Finish your pasta. I'm finished with it. It's you I'm not finished with. I'll be right back. You wait right there. (LAUGHS) OK. (STEREO PLAYS) # "Sweet And Dandy" - Toots And The Maytals Luther! What are you doing? It's not even Saturday night. (LAUGHS) (GIGGLES) I have an idea! (MUSIC STOPS) Yeah? A brilliant idea. Ooh! (GIGGLES) Make sure you shut the curtains! (LAUGHS) Alright. What are you doing? Sit down. Sit down. Button up and sit down. Look at this. This is a little ledger of what we spent last year for Christmas. Look at this list. What is this? 63 dollars for ornament repair? You've gotta be kidding me! Look at the total. We spent 6,100 dollars on Christmas last year. 6,100 dollars on Christmas. I heard you the first time. With little to show for it. Where is this going? Caribbean. A ten-day luxury cruise on the Jubilee, the most luxurious ship in their fleet. Cayman Islands...(INHALES) Snorkelling! We go to Jamaica and windsurf, whatever the heck that is! The Bahamas - we sit in the sun. Ten days, luxury cruise, you and me. I might have to lose a little weight. I'll lose it for you! What's the catch? I wouldn't call it a catch. (CLEARS THROAT) We skip Christmas. We skip Christmas?! We skip Christmas and spend the money on us for a change. I don't know. Come on, please! You and I go bask in the Caribbean sun. How much is this gonna cost? 3,000 dollars. We save money?! Absolutely! Well, we can still give donations to the children's hospital and church. No, this is a total boycott, honey. It's 600 dollars, Luther. It's a total boycott. I'm afraid that's all I'm gonna say about that. Well, then, no. What a stupid idea! You're gonna let 600 bucks stand in the way of a Caribbean cruise? No. You are. Alright, alright. I'll match last year's contribution to the church and the hospital, but not a penny more. When do we leave? High noon, Christmas Day. Whoa! It's not even Saturday night! (GIGGLES) Dear colleagues, I will not be celebrating Christmas this year. Many of you know Blair has joined... ..the Peace Corps. So, Nora and I have decided to avoid the rituals of Christmas, save our money and take a cruise. 'Therefore, I will not be participating in holiday rituals.' 'I will buy no gifts and accept none.' 'Thank you anyway. I will not attend the firm's Christmas dinner, nor will I be here for the office party.' 'I am not angry and I will not yell, "Humbug" at anyone who offers me a holiday greeting.' I am simply skipping Christmas. (HORNS PLAY) # "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" Hello, Mrs Krank! Hello, Aubie, how are you? I'm worried about your Christmas cards. Why? You always select the most beautiful cards. You should put your order in. We're not gonna be ordering. You what?! You heard me. May I ask why not? I'm really quite late for lunch. Bye-bye! Say hi to your mom! We always have a live band at the auction. But last year the band cost 15,000. We hired a DJ for the cancer ball. Ladies. Hi, Aubie. Hello, Aubie. We forgot to talk about Christmas invitations. Erm, we won't be needing those either. No party? No Christmas Eve party? Erm, no. No party this year. She's not ordering Christmas cards either. What's up? 'Hi, Aubie!' Erm,... ..we're taking a break. Erm, we're not gonna do Christmas this year. How do you simply not "do" Christmas? Well, you skip it. But then what do we do Christmas Eve? You'll think of something. They are plenty of other parties. None like yours. Aw, that's sweet. When do you leave? Christmas Day. Well, that's an odd time to travel. Not many people travel on December 25th, so we got a great deal. Well, why don't you have a party anyway? Because we don't want to, Mary. We're taking a break. One year off, no Christmas whatsoever. # "Hey, Santa Claus" - The Chesterfield Kings # Hey, Santa Claus, will you come my way? # Hey, Santa Claus, I'm waiting for Christmas Day # Hey, Santa Claus, I've been waiting around for you # Mr Krank, I'm Randy Scanlon. We're selling Christmas trees again. Got yours right here. I got a Canadian blue spruce last year. This one's a real beauty, almost ten feet tall. Mrs Krank likes the big ones! Cute! How much is the big one? 90. We had to go up a little. We're not buying a Christmas tree this year. Luther! Sh, we talked about this. (DOOR SLAMS) Sorry we had to go up on the price. We're making less per tree than last year. It's not about the money. We're not doing Christmas. We're gonna go away on a cruise. We don't need a tree. Alright. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Luther! What? Come here. Why? Come here! What are they doing? Who? Hmm... Spilling their guts to Frohmeyer. Oh, not Frohmeyer! Are you intimidated by Vic Frohmeyer? He's the unelected boss of the street! Frohmeyer has a problem with our skipping Christmas? Who's he gonna call? The Three Wise Men? Santa Claus? (SNIGGERS) Don't underestimate him, honey. Vic Frohmeyer lives and breathes for this neighbourhood. You should've bought the tree. Nah. You didn't have to put it up. You could've left it in the yard. Quiet. Why are you whispering?! I'm whispering for the same reason you're hiding. Huh? Hey, Walt. Luther Krank just stiffed the scouts on a Christmas tree. Can you believe that, Mr Frohmeyer? (SINISTER MUSIC) You're not putting them up here! I want them on the back. Honey... Move it to the right. Not that right, the other right! Becker's at it again. Evening, Vic. Luther. Everybody's gonna miss Blair this year. Whole block's been talking about it. How's she doing? Just fine. Thanks for asking. How's your family? Great. We're putting up decorations. Wind it tight, Spike! Hi, Dad! Looks good, Momma! It's the greatest time of year, Luther, don't you think? I couldn't be happier. You know, it's not gonna be the same without Blair here. Of course not. (SCREAMING / ELECTRICAL BUZZING) (SCREAMS) Honey, are you OK?! Honey, honey! Honey! Gimme a hand, gimme a hand. Whoa! There's certain things around here I'm gonna miss at Christmas. So, you're, er, really skipping out? You got it. Somehow, it just doesn't seem right. It's not up to you to decide, is it? I gotta tell you, a lot of the neighbours are pretty upset. Really? Christmas has always been a neighbourhood thing here. Yeah - Everybody decorates, everybody bakes cookies, swaps gifts. I guess we do it for the kids. If you're trying to make me feel guilty, get off it. I'd appreciate it if you and everyone else would just respect my wishes. Whatever you say, Luther. Yeah. Weather should be clear tomorrow. Perfect time to put up Frosty. "Frosty"? (CHUCKLES) I tell you what, truth is, if I'm gone, I'm... Vic? Vic? Frosty is a Christmas tradition! Frosty is a Christmas decoration. I will not be told by Vic Frohmeyer that I have to decorate my house. Why won't you put up Frosty? It's the principle thing, Nora. Do you understand? We can forget about Christmas if we damn well choose! Nobody, not even Vic Frohmeyer, can stop us. I will not be forced into doing this. Have a good day. Hi, Nora. Morning, Bev. Hi, Walt. Hey, Nora! (CAT SCREECHES / ALL SCREAM) It was an accident. (CAT MEWS) Hey, Walt, why don't you put that cat on a leash? Only dogs wear leashes. Think you can run away from Christmas, huh? I'm trying to. I guess it's a good way to save money. It's not about the money. Yeah, sure(!) Muffles, be polite. Will you two ever be friends? You know, I'd like to say yes, but... (CAT SCREECHES) (IMITATES CAT) How are you feeling, Bev? I have my good days and bad days. Today's a good day. I'm glad to hear that. Come have your breakfast, dear. I've gotta get to work. Still working for The Man, huh? In fact, it is a man I work for. I thought they would've made you a partner by now. I gotta get to work. Have a good one, old man. Wha... One snowball with a little, yellow spot on it... Just skim the top of that little head of his. "Old man"! Bah, humbug! Good morning, Mr Scrooge. Good morning. Do I have any messages? Wal-Mart called. They said I had to buy my own cheap perfume this year. (LAUGHS) Funny(!) Nora Krank! We're here for Frosty! (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Luther. Hey, babe. They're here! "Who?" Vic Frohmeyer with Ned Becker and a gang of their kids. We're here for Frosty! They want Frosty. Well, they can't have him. Nora, please give us Frosty! Oh! Honey, where is Frosty? Down behind the furnace. Why? They won't go away. "Don't give them Frosty." You and Luther do not have to do anything. Just leave Frosty on the front porch. We'll put him up for you. They say they'll put him up. Absolutely not! Please, Luther! No! Luther! We'll come back later. And Frosty better be here! Oh, they're gonna come back! Listen to you! You're panicking in a locked house. And the neighbours go door to door to set up a ridiculous, seven-foot-tall SNOWMAN! Oh, sure! Easy for you to say, miles away in the safety of your office! Well... I am the one trapped here. I am the one dealing with this! I agree. So maybe it's time you left the neighbourhood. Oh, sure! How do you think I'm gonna do that? The street is blocked with our neighbours. Walk to the garage, get in the car, drive to the mall and I'll meet you. No... "Do it! Do it now! You can do this!" Hi, Mrs Krank. Nora. Vic, she's leaving! (TYRES SCREECH) (WHIMPERS) What's she doing?! I'm so sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Nora! (YELPS) Nora, stop the car. Stop the car. Please. Don't do anything you'll regret. Please, indulge me. Nora! Nora, stop the car. (YELPS) Give us Frosty! Stop the car. Stop the car, Nora. Stop the car, Nora, please! We just want Frosty. (WHIMPERS) Talk to me, Nora. Indulge me for a second. Stop! (YELPS) (SCREAMS) AAAAAARGH! Ooh. (BREATHES DEEPLY) (SCREAMS) It's us women who handle Christmas, not men! I am the one taking the brunt for your hair-brain scheme! I am on the one on the front lines! I have a surprise for you. What? Shut your eyes. Alright, open them. (LAUGHS) Honey, is this some kind of of joke? No, I got one, too. A woman's bathing suit? It probably belongs with that. No, I got my own. Look at that, huh? (LAUGHS) Little cliff-diver thing. We are not wearing these on this cruise. These aren't for the cruise. You know what's odd? When an Irish pub serves fish tacos. I don't get that. I got a little heartburn. Here it is. Come on, follow me and don't mention her eyes. Hello, Mr Krank. Hi, Daisy. This is my wife, Nora. Hello. Erm, I really don't wanna do this. Come on. I got a great deal - 60 dollars, 12 visits. Why would we get a tan before the cruise? I thought the point was to tan during the cruise. Look at our skin. We look like uncooked chicken. (GIGGLES) You look like a corpse! (GIGGLES) And you could use a little help, yourself. Thank you. Oh! Oh, dear God! This should be outlawed! (WHIMPERS) OK, calm down. (MACHINE HUMS) Whoa! Argh! Wow! Ow! Excuse me! Ow! Oh! Oh! Excuse me! Excuse me! Hello! Hello! Hello, I need a Band-Aid. Nora Krank? (GASPS) Father Zabriskie, hello! What are you doing here? It's a mall, Nora. I'm Christmas shopping. Of course you are. Of course you are. Are you OK, Nora? Yes, sort of. You're bleeding. Oh, yes. It's just a scratch. Could I have another towel, please? I'm looking for a Band-Aid! Jeez, lady, make up your mind! Nora,... I hear it from a good source that you and Luther have decided not to observe Christmas this year. (WHIMPERS) Yeah, sort of. Erm, Father Zabriskie, Luther and I are fine. Everything is fine, and everything is completely normal. The attendant said you were bleeding. Are you OK? Luther. Hey there. Oh, Father Zabriskie, erm... Hey. Nora! We've made the front page. We've made the front page. Check it out. (Hold on.) "Skipping Christmas"? Yep. "The home of Mr and Mrs Krank is rather dark." "While their neighbours are decorating, the Kranks are skipping Christmas." "They're preparing for a cruise, according to unnamed sources." "No tree, no lights and no Frosty and the only house to keep Frosty in the basement." How do they know?! They have spies. "Hemlock, a frequent winner in decoration contests, finished a disappointing sixth this year. 'I hope they're satisfied,' complained one neighbour. 'Rotten selfishness,' said another." Who said that?! It could've been anybody. How dare they?! What a bunch of losers! You know what, Luther? You know, I'm not coming back from this cruise. Attagirl. Two more days and we're out of here. Two more, baby. Jerks! (GENERAL CHATTER) 'Hey, that's mine!' Regular. Sorry I'm late. What's wrong? It's Bev Scheel. (SOBS) Could you cover for a second? Sure. She went for a checkup and the cancer's back for the third time. Has it spread? (SNIFFS) They think so. That's awful. This could be her last Christmas! Oh, sweetie. (CAT SCREECHES) Well, if it isn't old Scrooge himself. How did this photographer get this shot? What photographer? The one that took this photograph. Oh, that one. Yeah, that one. Well, he climbed up. On your roof? Yeah. Why did you do that? He said he wanted a shot of the whole street. At least you're consistent. I try to be, old man. Stop that! Stop what? Stop calling me "old man". You're ten years older than me! Am I? Yeah! Well, prove it! Walt! I just heard about Bev. I'm so sorry. How's she doing? Remarkably well. In good spirits, decorating the house, baking. Sure. If there's anything we can do, let me know. Thanks. I really appreciate that. # I'm dreaming # Of a white Christmas # Just like the ones I used to know # Where the treetops glisten # And children listen # To hear... # (DOORBELL RINGS) They're here for Frosty. No. (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it. Thank you. Good evening. Good evening, Mr Krank. Good evening, Officers. It's that time of year again. Your Police Benevolent Association's out there raising money. Great. You know, toys for tots and we deliver gift baskets, ice skating for handicapped kids. We deliver presents for the elderly at the nursing homes and, of course, our war veterans. Our big money maker's our calendar and you buy one every year, so... here we are. Erm... We don't need a calendar this year. (GASPS) What a jerk! He said he didn't need one. Well, thank you for your contribution. Merry Christmas. Yeah, merry Christmas. Good luck. Merry Christmas. Yeah, merry Christmas. We're from St Maria's Lutheran Church out carolling. Are they home? Yes, they are. Are they Jewish? No. Buddhist or anything? No, no, none of that. They're just trying to avoid Christmas this year. Do what?! You heard me. He's weird - skipping Christmas so he can save for a cruise. Oh, no! I think some Christmas cheer would do them good. Really?! Yeah, go ahead. Alrighty, then! (ALL) # Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh # O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way # Bells on bobtails ring, making spirits bright # What fun it is to ride and sing our sleighing song tonight # Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh... This is fun! Hmph. Christmas carollers right out next to our junipers. Oh, lovely! It's not lovely. They're trespassing. Someone set us up. They're not trespassing. Yes, they are. They're on our property, they weren't invited. Somebody told them to come. Scheel or Frohmeyer. Christmas carollers are not trespassers. I know what I'm saying. Why don't you have them arrested? I may do. Yeah? Call your friends down at the police department. Oh, that's funny. Not too late to buy a calendar. This isn't a joke. This is SEAL stuff. I saw it on Discovery Channel. # What fun it is to ride and sing our sleighing song tonight # Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey! # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey! # Ooh. (ALL) # Frosty the snowman was a jolly, happy soul # With a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal # Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say... # Just sit right here. Here you go, right here. There, that's perfect. Quietest room in the house. No-one can find us down here. (WHIMPERS) (ALL CHANT) Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! # "Sock It To Me Santa" - Bob Seger And The Last Heard (ALL) Merry Christmas, Mrs Krank! # Santa, just bring me a bike # Christmas just won't be a drag, Santa's got a brand-new bag... (CAT SCREECHES) # My stocking's all hung so you can see # Don't hang me up, Santa, lay some toys on me... Yeah! # Sock it to me, Santa, I want a baseball bat # (ALL SCREAM) AAAAAARGH! LUTHER! (CAT MEWS) 9 "Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but The Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not." "The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season." "Please don't ask why. No-one quite knows the reason." "It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right." "It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight." "But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small." 'Luther, your face.' What about it? It's like it's frozen or something. Oh, this? I got a Botox injection today. Botox treatment? Botox. They take a needle and inject it into your forehead. It freezes your face. I read it in a health magazine. How long does it last? This is temporary. And then all your wrinkles are gone. You should try it. You ought to get your money back. Luther, I can't live like this any more. What? We can't go out. Everywhere we go, people are whispering. I can't go home. It's too depressing. I mean, there's no tree and no lights and no music. (SPLUTTERS) I can't talk to you. You're just consumed with yourself. That's not true. Look how far you've gone. Amazing. Turning our lawn into an ice rink... I can't feel anything. Somebody could've broken their neck. You could've put them in hospital. That's bad? Luther! I'm kidding. I know this has been tough on you, but in just 1 day, 24 hours, we'll be on that trip and it's all gonna be better, I promise. I don't know. Hey, we're... (SPLUTTERS) (COUGHS) # "Feliz Navidad" ` Dante Allan And The Arrows Do you think that Blair will even think about Christmas? Probably not. She's in the rainforest and around people who worship trees and eat bark and frogs and that sort of stuff. Ooh! You're gonna wear that?! Absolutely! Nice! (PHONE RINGS) "Free Frosty!" I know this is you, Spike. Goodbye. Again? How many times is that? About five or six times. I wish I had a snappy comeback for that smart guy. Who cares? You're right. The islands are calling! Ah! (PHONE RINGS) "Free Frosty!" Goodbye, Spike. You're a genius. (PHONE RINGS) Argh! Alright, Frosty's dead. "What?!" Dad, is that you?! Wait a minute. Blair? "Yeah." Hi. Blair! I thought it was somebody from work. Your mom's getting the other line. We have something to tell you. Blair?! Hi, Mommy. Hi! (SCREAMS) Hi, honey, it's Mommy! Where are you? Miami and I'm coming home for Christmas. (BOTH) What?! Are you surprised? I'm stunned! Surprised. "We landed an hour ago." That's great! What do you mean, "We"? I have another wonderful surprise. What is it? I'm with Enrique. What's a "Reekay"? "Enrique. He's a doctor. We both went to Brown." "You guys met him at my dorms and my graduation." Of course. I don't remember. He's Peruvian. Oh, great! (A communist!) Honey! Sometimes we called him Rick. Rick, the guy you went to shack up with?! He lived in a separate hut. Hut, schmut. I wanna see pictures. We've been friends for years and he's just so wonderful. We fell in love while working and he's asked me to marry him. (BOTH) WHAT?! And I really want to. (SCREAMS) Oh, honey! Oh! He's always gone home for Christmas so hasn't celebrated here. "He's so excited." Luther! I told him all about the tree, the decorations, Frosty, everything. Is it snowing, Daddy? Enrique has never seen a white Christmas. No, but I sense a storm. OK, when do you land? When do you get in? Oh, we land at 8.03. Tonight?! Yes, tonight, just in time for our Christmas Eve party. You are having the party, aren't you, Mom? Of course we are! "Oh, great! Oh, Mom, you are gonna love Enrique!" He wants to have a houseful of kids. Oh, honey! Mom, I can't wait to be home. Pretty neat surprise, huh? I am speechless! And your father is probably overwhelmed. "Good. I love you, Mommy." I love you, too. Safe flight. OK, I'll see you. WHOO-HOO! (LAUGHS) She should've called sooner. But she didn't, honey. Why did you tell her we're going to have that party? Because we are! I need my vest. I need my vest. I need my vest. I don't know who's coming or what they'll eat, but we'll have a party. What about our trip? Don't start. This was all your stupid idea. "Stupid idea"? Uh-huh. Five minutes ago I was a genius. Now you're an idiot. How does one call change so much? Don't dwell on the past, Island Boy. We're having a party. Cheese, wine and Blairy's favourite, hickory-honey ham. Who's gonna come? I haven't gotten that far. Take care of the tree. We don't have one. Well, get one and put it up. Then I want you to put up Frosty. No. Yes. No! Yes. We're gonna perform a miracle. If we pull it off, Blairy is never gonna know about your stupid, ridiculous, childish scheme of skipping Christmas. (TYRES SCREECH) Hey, I'm sorry about this little, ugly bush. Merry Christmas. It is. Duke Scanlon, the same guy who brought you that beautiful Canadian blue spruce. OK, great! Merry Christmas to you. I need another blue spruce like that. I really need a tree. What have you got left? Just one. Whoa! You know what? I like it. I'll take that. Really? Yeah, how much is it? 75 bucks. It says 15 right there. Yeah, supply and demand. It's kind of a rip-off. The scouts could sure use your 75 dollars for their camporee, Mr Krank. What do you say I give you 25 dollars? 75 bucks! Take it or leave it. Yours? Hey, Wes. Hey, Luther. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you, too, man. I'm in a little bit of a bind. I've gotta be at my in-laws' by five. Let me give you a hand. This won't take long. My plans have changed. I got a call from Blair. She's coming home tonight. (LAUGHS) What about the cruise? I don't know. I can't find a tree. Yeah? So? Can I borrow yours? Wes, we've gotta go! Be right there. You want my tree?! Yeah. I'll get it back in your house before you return. That's ridiculous! I don't have a choice. Everyone else will need their tree. You're serious, aren't you? Dead serious. Trish won't like it. Trish doesn't have to know. Hey, Trish. Hi, Luther. Honey, we've gotta go. Yeah, he's just saying Merry Christmas. Please! Look, you break one ornament, we're both dead. I will leave it just like I found it. I really appreciate this. (LAUGHS) This is funny! Why am I not laughing? (BOTH CHANT) Free Frosty! Gotta go. Thanks. Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Guys! Hey, guys! I'm right here. Scatter! Scatter! Run for it! Come here. Hey, come here. (SCREAMS) Come on. I just wanna talk to you, Spike. Spike! Let me go! Bad little elf! Stop it! Get off! Don't hit me! It was all just a joke - the Frosty sign, the phone calls! I know. I'm not gonna hit you, but you do owe me. All I got's a 20. I don't want your money. I need a little help. That is one huge tree! It reminds me of this tree my dad got once... Interesting. Put the delicate ones on the sofa. Is this against the law? Of course not. Don't break anything. (BAUBLE SHATTERS) Spike! It wasn't valuable. Yeah? What's it say on there? "Baby's first Christmas." Perfect(!) (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Hey, Walt. Ned here. Merry Christmas, Ned. Merry Christmas. Say, I'm watching the Trogdons' house. It appears as if Krank has lost his mind. How's that? He's stealing their Christmas tree. Wow! 1 Hello. Excuse me. I am looking for a ham, a hickory-honey ham. If there are any left, they'll be back there. Thanks. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Excuse me. (SCREAMS) Happy holidays! Are you sure this isn't illegal? Are you a cop?! Come on. (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Can I buy your ham? Pardon? Your ham. It's the last one and my daughter Blair is coming home from Peru and hickory-honey hams are her favourite. I'd like to buy it. Er, no. It's not for sale. B-But she's in the Peace Corps and I'd be willing to pay anything above sticker price. No. We're not interested. It's never too early to think about putting away a little something for your child's college education. Got it? (LAUGHS) Come around here. I want you to steer. I'll hold the back. Ready? Spike! (SIREN WAILS) Hello, Mr Krank. Hey, fellas. Where are you going with that? Spike and I are taking it to my house. "Spike"? Yeah. The kid, Spike. Spike the, er... Did he just run that way? No? That's weird. Is this an imaginary friend? No. (HORN BEEPS) Merry Christmas! Oh! STOP! Ooooh! Ooooh! (HORN BEEPS) (HORN BLARES) (SCREAMS) NOOOO! NO! NO! NO! No, no, no. Should've bought a calendar. You're gonna need it where you're going! (LAUGHS) What do you want? It's me, Spike Frohmeyer. Er, you know, Vic's kid. Oh, yeah. If he says Trogdon loaned him the tree, he's telling the truth. Here's the key. It's not a burglary. Key. (SIGHS) Scram, Krank. Thanks, Spike. I was kinda scared in there. It'll be alright. Try to relax, will you, Luther. OK. Get the tree. 9 Hmm... Mm-hmm. Oh! Oh! What happened? Unload the car. What's wrong? Nobody's coming. Everybody is busy. We have to invite the neighbours. Over my dead body. How's the tree? Well... Oh! It's a disaster! Take it or leave it. Blue icicles and a Chicago Bear ornament?! Those aren't mine! Mmm. Smoked trout. Better than frozen pizza! What happened to the hickory-honey ham? Never say "hickory-honey ham" again! Ooh. (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Blair! Hi, honey! Hi! I think I'm gonna send her back to Peru. You're in Atlanta. Wow! We're just busy getting ready for the party. Of course I'm making caramel-cream pie, your favourite. Daddy and I will pick you up. OK, honey. I can't wait to see you, too! I love you! Bye! Oh! It's 4.30. I need 2 pans of caramel and a jar of marshmallow cream. The liquor store is holding a case of Pinot Noir. A case of wine for four? Shut up! How long does it take to put up Frosty? Three days. When you've finished, invite the neighbours to the party. What party?! # "Frosty The Snowman" - The Charms # Frosty the snowman was a happy, jolly soul # With a corncob pipe and a button nose # And two eyes made out of coal # Frosty the snowman # Was a fairy tale, they say # He was made of snow but the children know # How he came to life one day # Frosty the snowman # Frosty the snowman # Merry Christmas, Nora. Merry Christmas to you, too. Why are you out running around? Just picking up last-minute stuff. You? Picking up some stuff, some things... Big party tomorrow? Oh, no. It's tonight. My daughter's coming back from South America and we're just throwing a party. She's bringing her new boyfriend. Blair. (TUTS / CHUCKLES) Yes. Would you like to come? You mean that?! Absolutely. It's just drop in. What time? Er,... 8.30. You're on Hemlock? Yes, 1482. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Thanks. Who are you? Not a clue. You get heavier every year! Up here! Come on! There we go. Ah! I see Frosty! Hey, kids! Guys! Mr Krank is putting up his Frosty! Let's go! Whoa! Whoa! Come on! There. Perfect. Good evening, Luther! Hey! Oh! Oh! You need some help, buddy?! No! Luther, hold on! Whoa! Watch your balance! Yeah. Easy! Easy! (YELPS) Careful, Luther! We gotta go back that way. (CREAKING) No, no, no! Oh, no! Argh! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! (ALL GASP) Luther! Are you OK?! Swell, Vic, thanks(!) How about you? I've called 911. They're on their way. Thanks. Bev made me. (SNIGGERS) I don't know. He was up on the roof a minute ago. Is he alright? Poor Frosty. Poor Frosty, my eye! Luther! He's OK! Maybe you should just let me drop. Luther! He's alright, Nora. What on Earth on you doing?! Are you OK?! It was a suicide attempt. I misread the instructions. Put my leg to sleep, though. He was up by himself,... I'm fine. ..trying to put up your Frosty. (SIRENS WAIL) Here they come. Here come the pros. Guys... Just hold on. I guess you can't... Hurry up! Back up. I'll be alright. Let these guys handle it. Thanks, guys. Just a problem with the rope. Get a ladder, that would be helpful. I don't know what you're gonna do with those clippers. You got him? Huh? (ALL GASP) Oh! Luther, are you OK? (SIRENS WAIL) Yo! Yo, dudes, over here! Slow down. That's good. Over here now. Whoa! Whoa! Folks, move back! What's going on? Luther was putting up Frosty and they both fell. Coming through. I thought you were skipping Christmas this year. Yeah, what's going on, Luther? Blair's coming home for Christmas. (ALL GASP) Blair's coming home for Christmas! And she's bringing her boyfriend. And she's bringing her boyfriend! (ALL GASP) She expects to see a tree? Yeah. And a Frosty? Of course. And what about the Kranks' Christmas Eve party? That, too. OK, when does she get in? Plane arrives about eight o'clock. Eight! (ALL GASP) Alright, people, listen up! Gather round! We're about to have a party here at the Kranks', a Christmas homecoming for Blair! Great idea, Dad! Drop what you're doing and pitch in. Nora, do you have a turkey? Er... Smoked trout. Smoked trout? Smoked trout! (ALL) Ew! Oh, wow. Anybody got a turkey? We have two, both in the oven! Beautiful. Get them. Ned, get over to Brixley's. Get his Frosty and some lights. Hold on. Why should we do this for him? He's a jerk! Regardless of how you feel, I know a lot of you have mixed feelings, but we're a community and communities stick together. Even if one of them has been behaving like a spoiled little baby. We're not doing this for him, we're doing this for Blair. Blair, who used to baby-sit all your kids. Blair, who comes home every summer and makes us all feel like family. Right. Why should the daughter pay for the sins of the father? OK. Now if we even have a hope of pulling this off, you've gotta scatter, grab lots of food and be here in half an hour! Let's go! Randy, Mike, let's go. Thank you! 'You're welcome, Nora.' Guys, better go to the airport. Why? Blair needs a ride home. I don't know if we could do that. Shall I call the chief? Er, no. We can do that. You got a hold of Frosty there? Easy. There he goes. There you go. Finally! There's nothing like a white Christmas! (DOORBELL RINGS) # "White Christmas" - Duplex Hi, everyone! Oh! Hi! Hey, guys. Come on in. Thanks so much. What are these? Yeah. Go for it. Honey? These are legal? # I'm dreaming of a white Christmas # With every Christmas card I write... # Here. I have that. I think that should go over there. Stop it! Don't! (PHONE RINGS) Look, mistletoe! Hold on... Hello. Hey, Blair. Blair?! Hey. 55 minutes early? WHAT?! That's a heck of a tailwind. Yeah! No, we're-we're-we're-we're waiting right here. Can't wait to see you! Love you, honey! That was your mom. We both love you. Bye. We'll never make it! I got an idea. Hold it. (WHISPERS) Go! Just over there and anything else in a box just put it in the cellar. See them? I don't see my parents anywhere. Honey. Is that us? Hi. I'm Blair. This is Enrique. Hi. A police escort? I'm impressed. I guess my dad was really generous with his donation this year. Oh, yeah. You have no idea. 1 Welcome to the United States. Hand me the bags. Officer Frohmeyer. Officer Frohmeyer here. Do you read me? Spike, stay off our frequency. This is serious. Can you talk? Yeah, go. You need to stall. Stall? We're not ready. OK. Stall... '(DOORBELL RINGS)' I'll get it. Excuse me. Hi. Merry Christmas, Luther! Er, can I help you? I'm a little bit early. It's cold out there. Really cold! Go in and enjoy yourself. Wahey! Father Zabriskie, so nice to see you again. Thank you. I don't know who he is. He brings ham. # Where is Santa? At his sleigh? # Tell me, why is it always this way? # Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen, baby? # Merry Christmas Merry, merry, merry Christmas # All the children are tucked away in bed... Why are you driving so slow? Icy roads. Wanna celebrate Christmas under the mistletoe or in a body bag? # I love you and you love me # And that's the way it's got to be # I loved you from the start... # Can I help you with that? Good. Very good. Hey, honey. I talked to everyone. No-one knows that guy. Well, he knows them. What is that? How do...? Thanks, Father. Robbie, check that bottom string. That's good. We don't have time. Randy, plug it in. Whoa! (ALL GASP) Whoops! Sweet! It's just the lights. I'll go check the breaker. I'll go help Luther. (SWITCHES CLICK) Do you know anybody at ComEd? Hmm... "Office Frohmeyer here. Do you read me? Hurry, I'm low on batteries." What's up, Spike, er, sir? We need more time. Roger. What was that? Talking about time? Er, crime. He said "crime". Er, possible domestic disturbance. We better check it out. What are you talking about? (SIREN WAILS) (ELECTRICAL DRONING) We'll put those down on the table just as the entrees. (ELECTRICAL DRONING) Put the cookies on the edge of the table. Honey, there was a box with some balls in it. It's downstairs. (CRACKLING) 'Finally!' Erm... (ALL CHEER) Wow! It looks wonderful! The place looks great! She's gonna be here any minute! Honey, I need to do something about your tan and we need to change. Will you please tell me what the hell is going on? We've gotta stall just for a minute until they get the party started. OK. See? It's fine. It's fine. Just a checkup. So walk over to this door like we're investigating. OK. I'll put my hand on my gun. You do that, Mr Terminator. (LAUGHS) I look like my mother and she's been dead 15 years. That's enough. Let's go back to the car. OK. (GLASS SMASHES) What was that?! Looks like a break-in. No way! Yes way. I don't need this, not now. Break-in rate's very high on Christmas Eve. I know, but we've got a party to go to. So you wanna ignore it?! Oh, we can't do that. There he is. Police! Eat this! Go get him! Go on, get him! Whoa! Get up! Come on! He's getting away! Hurry up! Come on! He's getting away! Alright, don't move. Stay right where you are. Police. Get him! Police! Whoa! Ugh! Alright! (LAUGHS) We got him! (BOTH SCREAM) 'This is gonna be Enrique's first Christmas in America.' I hope we make a good impression. Nora, are you sure about this? I look like a Mafia lieutenant. Black makes your skin look lighter. Blair is never to know about the cruise. I heard you the first 60 times. Frohmeyer one to Frohmeyer two. The eagle has landed. Roger. Ned! They're here! I'm not finished! Hide! # Christmas # The snow's coming down # Christmas # I'm watching it fall # Christmas # Lots of people around # Christmas # Baby, please, come home... # Hey, guys! Hey, Spike! Blair's here! Oh, they're here! What if we don't like him? We raised a smart girl. Oh, they're getting out of the car! She's home! Everybody! She's here! Who's this? Enrique, my boyfriend. Vic Frohmeyer, pleased to meet you. Nice to meet you, sir. Hey, guys! Your parents are dying to see you. Didn't Luther do a great job on the house? Honey, they're here! They're here! Mommy! Oh! I can't believe I'm home! We can't believe you're home either. Oh, Dad! Luther Krank. This is Nora, my wife. Hi. I'm Enrique Decardenal. Oh, come here, you! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas. You guys look great! Er, we've been watching what we eat. You've been in the sun. We haven't. No. I wore black to make me look lighter. The party! Look, there's a party! You must have bags. Oh, hi! Hi, Blair! Good to see you, Blair! Hi, how are you? Hey, Aubie! Hey, kid. Come here. I'm freezing to death. I'm starving. I haven't eaten in seven days. Seven days?! Yeah. Any scraps I get, I give to the kids. What kids? Well, my kids. I got four - Annie, Billy, Tommy and Chuck. All I wanted to do was give them a real Christmas this year, you know? They deserve it. You've got 20 minutes inside, enough time to get warm and grab some food, then it's back to the police car. No funny business, right? Swear? On my kids' lives. . You have to try hickory-honey ham. It's Blairy's absolute favourite. It's a classic. The food's that way. Thanks, son, I appreciate it. Welcome home, Blair. Hi! Hi. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! I suppose that this is your boyfriend. Yes. Hi, I'm Enrique Decardenal. Call me Marty. Houston, we have a name. Is that a Peruvian accent? How could you tell? I lived there for five years. I miss it so much! Habla Espanol? Si. (SPEAKS SPANISH) (BOTH SPEAK SPANISH) Honey, I'm gonna talk to Marty. Yeah, OK. Who is that? You know Marty. Everyone knows Marty. Marty! Merry Christmas. (LAUGHS) Aren't you sweet? Bless you. (SPANISH-STYLE FOLK MUSIC) (BOTH SING IN SPANISH) (ALL CHEER / APPLAUD) I would like to propose a toast, if I may. Her's to my new family and friends. (ALL) Aw! Thank you. Thank you for making me feel so welcome. Salut. (SPLUTTERS) And, erm, I just wanted to say, erm, thank you to all of you, to our friends and our neighbours, for helping us make this the most wonderful Christmas Eve ever. You really have shown us the true meaning of community and thank you all so much. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Same goes for me double. Cheers. (ALL) Cheers. Hey, fellas, how about a party tune? (ALL) Yeah! # Well, come on, everybody and let's get together tonight # I've got some money in my jeans and I'm really gonna spend it right # Well, I've been doing my homework all week long # Now the house is empty and my folks are gone (ALL) # Come on, everybody # Come on, everybody... # (SINGING CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND) Luther. That was it? That was the best you could come up with? I'm not really good at toasts. After all they've done, you couldn't just come up with a simple "thank you"? I did, it was just short and sweet. You're still moping because you don't get to go on your cruise. There's still time. What?! We can still go. Luther. Listen to me. Enrique and Blair can stay here, have the house to themselves. We go and we all have a romantic getaway. Your daughter just flew thousands of miles home with her very sweet future husband to spend Christmas with us. You know, I... I've spent six weeks planning for this vacation. Six weeks. That's longer than they've been dating. Everyone out there sacrificed their Christmas Eve to help us. I thought maybe that might affect you, maybe have you start putting others first instead of yourself. But I really don't think that's possible. It's a shame. Why don't we all move in a little? (ALL SING "BLUE CHRISTMAS") (ALL CHEER / APPLAUD) 1 Luther! Luther! Frosty? Ew! (RINGS DOORBELL) Well, merry Christmas, Luther. Merry Christmas to you, Walt. You're missing your party. Yeah... How's Bev? Oh, she's having a good day, thanks. We started over to see Blair, but the snow started. So, er, how's the boyfriend? He's a very nice young man. Merry Christmas, Luther. Merry Christmas to you, Bev. You feeling OK? That was a pretty nasty fall. It could've been worse. That cord could've snapped and... Nora wanted me to drop this by. Well, I'm allergic to pork and Bev's not much of a meat eater. Well, not to worry cos Mel's hams are filled with just gelatine and fat. Please. (LAUGHS) It's very thoughtful. Well... You know, have a good one. Erm, could I come in for a minute? Thanks. (CLEARS THROAT) Blair's gonna be staying for ten days, so we're not taking the cruise. Nora and I would like you guys to have it. Flight leaves at 12 noon tomorrow. Be there two hours ahead of time. It's ten days in the Caribbean - islands and beaches, the works. It's a dream vacation. We can't take it, Luther. It's not right. I didn't purchase travel insurance, so if you don't take it, it's wasted. I'm not sure my doctor would allow it. I've got that Lexon deal on the front burner. Benny said he might stop by tomorrow. And we couldn't leave the cat. This is from us to you. This is a sincere, heartfelt, no-strings-attached offer,... ..to two very selfless people who are, at this moment, having a very difficult time looking for an excuse. Benny did say he might stop by. Face it, Bev, Benny hasn't been home in years. Look, I've got everything right here - airline tickets, I've got cruise passes, a brochure. What's the cost? If we decide to go, we'd wanna reimburse you. This is a simple gift, Walt. No costs, no payback. Don't make it complicated. Our names aren't on the tickets. I know, I'll take care of that. What about the cat? Yeah, that's a problem. It's too late to call the kennel. We can't leave him. We could ask Jude Becker. She's allergic. I'll take the cat. What?! Are you sure? Yeah. Go on. (CAT SCREECHES) Look at that. Look at that. See? Maybe if you don't step on him so often... Yeah. It'll be fine. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas. Well, I should get back to my party. Luther, Luther. This means so much. Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, does this mean we have to start being nice to each other? Of course not! Good. I still don't like you that much, old man. Well, that's good. I'm not that fond of you either. Hey, Bev! We've gotta pack! Luther, help me! Hey, Ned, what in God's name are you doing up there?! Blair came home. F-Frohmeyer took down the ladder. He went inside, forgot about me. Have you been up there all this time? Ow! I'm frozen stuck to Frosty! I'll get you down. # Oh, Christmas tree # Oh! Christmas tree... # (HUMS THE TUNE) What are you doing?! You swore on your kids' lives! What kids? Help! Police! Easy, come on. '(YELPING)' Go on inside. Drink something hot. (YELPS) Hey! Get down from there! Get down! Whoa! My car! Oh, are you alright? Hey, what's in that bag? (LAUGHS) Good job, Santa. Alright, come on. Let's go. You swore to me. I'm getting tired of catching you. What's this all about? What's going on? I told you you could use an umbrella. What? Marty? Yes! (LAUGHS) Wait a minute, you're the guy selling umbrellas in the rain. It's a living. I meet a lot of nice people. I've gotta run because I can't pass up this weather. It's good. Thanks for the party. Welcome. Sorry you have to work on Christmas Eve. Santa always has to work on Christmas Eve. Yeah, I suppose he does. Merry Christmas! Luther,... ..Bev Scheel just called. Maybe I was wrong about you. This night was full of surprises. Skipping Christmas, what a stupid idea! Maybe next year. (FANFARE PLAYS - "JINGLE BELLS") Merry Christmas! # Merry Christmas, baby. # I'll be coming home. # Wouldn't miss it, honey. # You'll never spend this day alone. # And merry Christmas to all of the world # this season, # to all of the world. # Hey. # Can you meet me by the fireplace? # Tell the kids that Santa's coming. # Don't stop trimming the tree # without me, girl. # Oh! # Merry Christmas, baby. # I'll be coming home. # Wouldn't miss it, honey. # You'll never spend this day alone. # And merry Christmas to all of the world # this season, # to all of the world # this season. # Oh! # Yeah! # All of the world. # Out there. # This season. # All of the world # this season, # all of the world. # # I'm dreaming # of a white Christmas # just like the ones I used to know, # where the treetops glisten # and children listen # to hear # sleigh bells in the snow. # I'm dreaming # of a white Christmas # with every Christmas card I write. # May your days be merry # and bright. # And may all your Christmases # be white. # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2007.