Login Required

This content is restricted to University of Auckland staff and students. Log in with your username to view.

Log in

More about logging in

After inadvertently wreaking havoc on the elf community due to his ungainly size, a man raised as an elf at the North Pole is sent to the U.S. to search for his true identity.

Primary Title
  • Elf
Date Broadcast
  • Thursday 21 December 2017
Release Year
  • 2003
Start Time
  • 19 : 30
Finish Time
  • 21 : 25
  • 115:00
  • TVNZ 2
  • Television New Zealand
Programme Description
  • After inadvertently wreaking havoc on the elf community due to his ungainly size, a man raised as an elf at the North Pole is sent to the U.S. to search for his true identity.
  • G
Owning Collection
  • Chapman Archive
Broadcast Platform
  • Television
  • English
Captioning Languages
  • English
Live Broadcast
  • No
Rights Statement
  • Made for the University of Auckland's educational use as permitted by the Screenrights Licensing Agreement.
  • Elves--Drama
  • Orphans--Drama
  • Feature films--United States
  • Comedy
  • Family
  • Fantasy
  • Jon Favreau (Director)
  • David Berenbaum (Writer)
  • Will Ferrell (Actor)
  • James Caan (Actor)
  • Bob Newhart (Actor)
  • New Line Cinema (Production Unit)
. IMS Subtitles Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 Oh, hello. You're probably here about the story. Elves love to tell stories. I bet you didn't know that about elves. There's probably a lot you didn't know about elves. Another... Another interesting... elfism,... there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps. Lazy bum. Couldn't even make a clog. 'You can bake cookies in a tree.' Hey! 'As you can imagine, it's dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season.' I wanna make shoes! 'But the third job, some call it the show or the big dance.' 'It's the profession that every elf aspires to.' 'And that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.' Only two weeks left till Christmas. (CHEERING) 'It's a job only an elf can do.' 'Our nimble fingers, cheer and active minds are perfect for toy building.' 'They tried using gnomes and trolls but the gnomes drank too much...' (BELCHES) '..and the trolls weren't toilet trained.' (FARTS) No human being has ever set... set foot in Santa's workshop. That is until about 30 years ago and,... as you may have guessed, that's where our story begins. 1 1 1 1 1 You're so beautiful. So beautiful. Here we are. We're just gonna make you feel so comfortable. There we are. There you are. It's time to go to sleep. Maybe by next Christmas you'll have a home. Merry Christmas, my angel. (CHEERING / MUSIC PLAYS) Alright, alright. We've had another very successful year. (ALL CHEER) So, after all that hard work, it's time to start preparations for next Christmas. (ALL CHEER) What in the name of Sam Hill is that? (ELVES GASP) "Little Buddy... Diapers." He is Buddy. He must have... ..snuck in at the orphanage. What do we do? 'So, Santa had a decision to make.' 'Of course, when it comes to babies, Santa's a... pushover.' 'So Buddy stayed with an older elf who had always wanted a child but had been so committed to building toys, he,... well, had forgotten to settle down.' Santa! Yes, yes, I raised Buddy. I was his... adopted father. 'Though Buddy grew twice as fast, he... he wasn't any different from the other children.' Not too fast, Buddy. 'I mean not, not really.' Before we learn to build the latest in extreme graphic chip set processors, recite the Code of the Elves. Number one. (ALL) Treat every day like Christmas. Number two. There's room for everyone on the Nice List. Number three. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. 'And one day, when Buddy was old enough, I made him my personal apprentice.' I've never been in this room. I think it's time you start your training. (GASPS) Santa's sleigh. You're gonna help me make it fly. The magical reindeer make it fly. And where did they get their magic from? Christmas spirit. Everybody knows that. Silly as it sounds, a lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus. What?! Who do they think puts all their toys under the tree? There's a rumour floating around that the parents do it. That's ridiculous! I mean, parents couldn't do that all in one night. What about Santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat them too?! Yeah, I know. And every year, less and less people believe in Santa Claus. I mean, we have a real energy crisis on our hands. Oh. Just see how low the Clausometer is. That's shocking. That's why I came up... with this little beauty in the 60s. (CLICKING / WHIRRING) Wh-What is it? It's a Kringle 3000. A 500-reindeer power, jet-turbine engine. Without it the sleigh couldn't get more than a few feet off the ground. Well, looks like we've got a short on the thermo-coupler. You wanna give me a hand with that? You want me to help? As much as Buddy was accepted by his family and friends, there were a few... drawbacks to being a human in an elf's world. Hey, Min-Min. Um,... I'm gonna be a little bit short on today's quota. It's alright, Buddy. Just how many Etch A Sketches did you finish? Come on, Buddy, how many? I made... 85. 85. That puts you... ..915 off the pace. Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy maker in the world. I'm a cotton-headed ninny muggins. (ALL GASP) No, you're not a cotton-headed ninny muggins. We all just have different talents. They all have the same talents. You-You have lots of talents. Er,... special talents, like, um,... er, special talents. You change the batteries in the smoke detector. Sure did, triple A. In six months, you'll have to check them again. Won't he? You're the only baritone. You bring us down a whole octave. In a good way! See, Buddy, you're not a cotton-headed ninny muggins. You're just... special. 'And so, Buddy was sent where the special elves work.' (TOY CACKLES) Wargh! # "Pop Goes The Weasel" (CACKLES) Wargh! (CACKLES) Wargh! Fum-Fum. I hate to do this but can you help pick up the slack on the Etch A Sketches? No problem. Appreciate it. Buddy's killing me. I got Lum-Lum and Choo-Choo pulling doubles. Quick thinking with that special talents thing. I feel bad. Hope he doesn't get wise. If he hasn't figured he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will. 'If he hasn't figured he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.' I think they're too small. 'You're just... special.' (CACKLING) You don't look so good, Buddy, are you OK? I'll be OK, I just need a glass of water. Aaaaargh! Buddy. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Buddy, are you OK? I'm sorry, Papa. I just need some alone time. Buddy, I-I think we have to talk. Buddy, I think there's something I probably should tell you. You probably should have found out a long... a long time ago. 'I then proceeded to tell Buddy of how his father had fallen in love, when he was very young, with a beautiful girl named Susan Wells.' 'And how Buddy was born and put up for adoption by his mother.' 'And how she had later passed away.' 'I told him his father never knew that Buddy was born and most importantly, I told him where his father was.' 'In a magical land called New York City.' My dad works there? Empire State Building. Hey, Buddy, wanna pick some snowberries? Not now, Arctic Puffin! Hello, Buddy. Hi, Leon. Why the long face, partner? It seems I'm... not an elf. Of course not. You're six foot three and had a beard since you were 15. Papa says my real father lives in a magical place far away. I don't know what to do. At least you have a daddy. I was just rolled up one day and left out here in the cold. I've never even left the North Pole. I've been around the world when I was a young cumulus-nimbus cloud. It's a wonderful place filled with wondrous creatures. Except dogs. Oh, by the way, don't eat the yellow snow. I know that. All I'm saying is, this might be the opportunity to find out who you really are. So, I hear you're going on a little journey to the big city. Yep. Ah. Kinda nervous. Leon says New York is different. Don't pay attention to Leon. He's never been anywhere. He doesn't have any feet. I've been to New York thousands of times. Really? What's it like? Well, there are some things you should know. First off, see gum on the street, leave it. It's not free candy. Oh. Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original but the real one's on 11th. If you see a sign that says peepshow, it doesn't mean they're letting you look at presents before Christmas. Can't wait to see my dad. We're gonna go ice skating and eat sugar plums. That's the other thing I want to talk to you about. You know, Buddy,... (SIGHS) ..your father, well, he's on the Naughty List. No! You're taking the books back? Ha! See, I see what you're trying to do here. You're trying to make me feel bad when, in actuality, you're the one that missed the payments. But the children love the books. I know that. I'm the one that ran the focus groups but I like hearing that. Listen, some people, they just lose sight of what's important in life. That doesn't mean they... can't find their way again. Huh? Maybe all they need is just a little Christmas spirit. (ALL CHEER) Well, I'm good at that. I know you are. I'll... I'll always... I'll always be here for you. Now... go, get. Captions were made possible . Bye, guys. Bye, Buddy. Bye, Buddy. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Buddy. (CRIES) There, there. (ALL SCREAM) Bye, Buddy, hope you find your dad. Thanks, Mr Narwhal. Bye. Hey! What's your name? My name's Buddy. Does someone need a hug? Aaaaargh! I just wanted a hug! # "Pennies From Heaven" - Louis Prima # Every time it rains # It rains pennies from heaven # Shoobie doobie # Don't you know each cloud contains... Hi. Hello! # You'll find your fortune falling # All over town # Be sure that your umbrella # Is up-up-up-up-upside down # Trade them for a package of # Sunshine and ravioli # Macaroni # If you want the things you love... You did it! Congratulations! World's best cup of coffee. Great job, everybody. Great to meet you. Hi. # And every time it rains, it rains # And don't you know each cloud contains... (CAR HORNS BLARE) # And don't you know each cloud contains... Santa! Sa... Oh. Not Santa. Thank you. Thank you. # Is upside down Aaaaaargh! Thank you. Thank you. You know what? No. Get out, get out of here. # And you'll find your fortune fallin' # All over town # Getting pennies from heaven # Pennies from heaven # Pennies from heaven # For you and me # Hello. Hi. (GASPS) Beautiful. Looks like a Christmas tree. A reprint? You know how much that's gonna cost? Two pages are missing, it doesn't make sense. You think some kid's gonna notice? They just look at pictures. (GASPS) Sorry I can't ride with you but this is where my dad works. Oh, I forgot to give you a hug! I don't know, Connie, I've never declawed kittens before. How many? Eight?! I don't know if I'm gonna have time. Well, alright. Bring them by this weekend, I'll see what I can do. I'm not going to charge you. Bring them by and I'll see. Excuse me. I'm here to see a Walter Hobbs. I'm Buddy the Elf. (LAUGHS) You are hilarious. Who sent you? Papa Elf. Papa Elf?! From the North Pole. North Pole?! Yes. You think we should ship them? No, we should take a $30,000 bath so kids can understand what happened to a puppy and some frigging pigeon. Ship them. (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? "Mr Hobbs? It's me on the intercom." Right. Someone sent you a Christmas-gram. Dad! Alright, let's get it over with. I walked all day and night to find you. You look like you came from the North Pole. That IS where I'm from! Santa must have called you! Sure, he just got off the cellphone. He did?! So, go on. Go on with what? Are you gonna sing a song or can I go back to work? A song? Er, yeah. Anything for you, Dad. Um. # I'm # I'm here # With my dad # And we never met # And he wants me to sing him a song # And # I was adopted but you didn't know I was born # So I'm here now # I found you, Daddy # And, guess what # I love you, I love you # I love you! # Well, that was weird. Usually guys just... put my name into Jingle Bells or something. It's me, your son. Susan Wells had me and she didn't tell you and... But now I'm here. It's me, Buddy. Susan Wells? You said Susan Wells. Yes. Who sent this Christmas-gram? What's a Christmas-gram? I want one! (We should call security.) (Good idea.) (I like to whisper too.) It's OK, Walter's my father. Well, your dad's busy right now. OK, I'll come back later. Yeah, you know, you're not gonna come back for a while. You're gonna go back to Santa land. OK. Yeah, why don't you go back to Gimbels? Sorry! Sorry. Passionfruit spray? Fruit spray? Sure. Gaaargh! Sorry. Sorry. Do you wanna go? Hey! Have you seen these toilets, they're ginormous! "For that special someone." Pssst. (COUGHING) Come. Come over here. Me? Yes. What are you doing down here? You're not supposed to be down here. You shop on your break. Upstairs. I didn't know. Well, you should know! Are you mad at me? No. Sure? Yes. Just do your job. OK. (GASPS) Wow! What's this? This is the North Pole. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Isn't. It is. No, it's not, where's the snow? Why you smiling like that? I like to smile. Smiling's my favourite. Make work your favourite, OK? OK. Work is your new favourite. Fine. Time for an announcement. OK. OK, people, tomorrow morning, 10am. Santa's coming to town. Santa! Oh, my God! Santa, here? I know him. I know him. He'll be here to take pictures with the children. Yeah! Just keep your receipts. 10am tomorrow. 10am tomorrow! Santa's coming to town. Yes! Can you sign this for me, please? Oh. Hi. (Santa's coming.) Are you enjoying the view? You are very good at decorating that tree. Why you messing with me? Did Crumper put you up to this? I'm not messing with you. It's just nice to meet another human who shares my affinity for elf culture. I'm getting through the holidays. Get through? Christmas is the greatest day. Stop talking to me. Oh-oh. Sounds like someone needs to sing a Christmas carol. No way. Best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud. I don't sing. It's easy. It's like talking except louder, longer and your voice moves. I can sing but I just choose not to. Especially in front of other people. If you sing alone, you can sing in front of others. It's no different. Actually, there's a big difference. No, there isn't. Wait. # I'm singing # I'm in a store and I'm singing # I'm in a store # And I'm singing - # Hey! There's no singing in the North Pole. Yes, there is! No, there's not. We sing all the time. No, there's not! Especially when we make toys. See? (TANNOY) "Please make your final purchases." "We'll be closing in ten minutes." Well, it's time for me to go home. But Santa's coming, there's so much to do. Yeah, um... (LAUGHS) I'll see you tomorrow. Buddy. Jovie. Jovie. . Honey, I'm gonna eat in the bedroom, OK? I got a bunch of stuff to go over. Are you sure? I'm just way behind on stuff. Can I eat in my room? No. Why not? Dad is. I got a bunch of homework to go over and I'm way behind on a bunch of stuff. You're eating here. (FAINT SINGING) # So very nice # My mother will start to worry # And Father will be pacing the floor # So really I'd better scurry # Well, maybe just a half a drink more # The neighbours might think # Baby, it's bad out there # Say, what's in this drink? # No cabs to be had out there # I wish I knew how # Your eyes are like starlight now # To break the spell # I'll take your hat Your hair looks swell # I ought to say, "No, no, no, sir" # Mind if I move in closer? # At least I'm gonna say that I tried # What's the sense of hurting my pride? # I really can't stay # Oh, but it's cold outside # # Baby, it's cold outside # (SCREAMS) Get out! Don't look at me! Get out! # "Sleigh Ride" - Ella Fitzgerald # Just hear those sleigh bells jingling # Ring, ting, tingling, too # Come on, it's lovely weather # For a sleigh ride together with you # Outside the snow is falling # And friends are calling you # Come on, it's lovely weather # For a sleigh ride together with you... # Dad! It's me! (MUFFLED) # Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up Let's go # Let's look at the show # We're riding in a wonderland of snow... # Hey! It's OK, sir. I just have a gift for my dad. I'll take this. OK. Just make sure he knows it's from me, Buddy, his son, OK? OK. I love him so much. He's the greatest dad in the world. You are so strong! # My cheeks are nice and rosy # And comfy-cosy are we # We're snuggled up together # Like two birds of a feather would be # Let's take that road before us # And sing a chorus or two # Come on, it's lovely weather # For a sleigh ride together with you # Hey, you. (FAINTLY) Me? Come here. I want to talk to you. What do you want to talk to me about? Why you were in the women's locker room this morning? I heard you sing. Are you sure it wasn't because I was naked in the shower? I didn't know you were naked. Why were you here so early? They shut my water off. What were you doing here so early? Building this. You built this? Mmm-hmm. They're kinda pissed about this. Really? Hey, guys. Have you seen the place? It's pretty good. A little too good. Corporate must have sent in a professional. I don't know why somebody's gunning for my job, but, look, let's remain a team, OK? Cos if I go, we all go. You get wind of anything, call me on my radio. Channel three. Code word is, "Santa's got a brand-new bag." OK? Six-inch ribbon curls, honey. That's impossible. Six... inches. By the way, I think you have the most beautiful singing voice in the whole world. Santa! Ha-hey! Ho, ho, ho! (ALL CHEER) Yeah! Santa! It's me, Buddy! It's me! Hey, Buddy. How you doing? It's me! Are you ready to see Santa? Who the heck are you? What are you talking about? I'm Santa Claus. No, you're not. Er, why, of course I am! Ho, ho, ho! If you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year? Er,... Happy Birthday, of course! (CHUCKLES) So, er, how old are you, son? Four. What's your name? Paul. What can I get you for Christmas? Paul, don't tell him what you want! He's a liar! Let the kid talk. You disgust me. How can you live with yourself? Just cool it, Zippy. You sit on a throne of lies. Look, I'm not kidding. You're a fake. I'm a fake? Yes. How'd you like to be dead, huh? Fake? (CHUCKLES) He's kidding. (SNIFFS) You stink. You're gonna have a good Christmas. You smell like beef and cheese. You don't smell like Santa. OK! Oh! (ALL SCREAM) He's an impostor! He's a fake! He's a fake! Come here! He's a fake! Ha! Ha! Where are you going now? (ALL SCREAM / CHATTER EXCITEDLY) Oh! Oh! No! He's not Santa Claus! He's not Santa! "To someone special." What's that? Intercom. Right! (PHONE RINGS) Yep. "Mr Hobbs, the police are on line one." Police. Hello? (ALL CHATTER) Dad! I knew that you'd come. I love you for coming. Officer Tom, this is my dad. This is Walter. He bailed me out! They gave me one phone call. I said, "I know who I'm gonna call - Walter Hobbs." Sure enough you showed up! You did! They said you weren't gonna show up. They told me... Ssh! Just who the heck are you and what's your problem? I'm Buddy, your son. Tell me, tell me, tell me. Where did you get this picture? Papa Elf gave it to me. What do you want? Some money? No! I wanted to meet you and I thought you might wanna meet me. Who wouldn't wanna meet you? I thought we could make gingerbread houses and eat cookie dough and go ice-skating and maybe even hold hands! Uh-huh... Come with me. OK! OK. What have we got here? Buddy, don't eat those. (GASPS) Oh! I've got to hurry up cos I'm double booked the rest of the afternoon. Am I sick? Yeah, but that's not why we're here. We're here to do a test. What kind of test? Just a test to find out if you're my son or not. Why am I sitting on paper? Cos it's sanitary. Let me do a finger-prick. (GASPS) Finger-prick! Ooh! It's cold. Yeah. Just please sit still, please. Can I listen to your necklace? No. Why is there a skeleton over there? I don't know! Walter, can you...? Can you please have him sit still so I can do this. Sorry. Sit still. (He got mad at me!) Yes, he did. He did. The sooner you sit still, the sooner we can get this mess over with. OK. Then can we eat sugarplums? You bet! And we can eat gingerbread houses and we'll even paint eggs. Paint eggs? That's Easter. (GASPS) (SCREAMS) Ow! Oh! (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) (CELL PHONE BEEPS) Oh! To help keep you safe if there's an emergency, all compatible mobile phones are now able to receive emergency mobile alerts. (CELL PHONES BEEP) Huh? Oh! (WHOOSH!) (BARKS) So when you hear this sound,... (CELL PHONE BEEPS) ...stop doing what you're doing and follow the instructions. (BEEP! BEEP!) . My finger has a heartbeat. It won't hurt so much after a little. What's your name? Buddy. I'm Carolyn. Hi. What do you want for Christmas? A Suzy Talks-A-Lot. I'll put in a good word with the big man. Thanks. Your costume is pretty. Oh, it's not a costume. I'm an elf. Well, technically, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves. Oh. I'm a human. Raised by humans. Hmm. Cool. So? It's a boy. Buddy's your son. That's very impossible. You saw that guy! He's certifiably insane! He's probably reverting to a state of childlike dependency. An elf? What he needs is to be nurtured. So, erm, er, you'd like me to breast-feed him? Walter, just bring him home. Introduce him to Emily and Michael. Once he comes to terms with reality, he should drop the whole elf thing and move on with his life. Oh, my God! Walter, this is,... ..this is wonderful! You,... you have another son! Wonderful. Gosh, I guess I never really thought of it that way. This is incredible! You know, it's a little complicated, but it's nothing we can't handle. Honey. Honey. What? He thinks he's an elf. I'm sorry, what? He thinks he's a Christmas elf. Oh, come on, Roger. I'm sure he doesn't actually think he's an elf. And then I travelled through the seven levels of the candy-cane forest, past the sea of swirly, twirly gumdrops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel. Ah! So, where were you for the last 30 years? The North Pole. Can you pass the maple syrup? I-I didn't put it... It's spaghetti. Oh. You know what, I think I have some. Yes! You like sugar, huh? Is there sugar in syrup? Yes. Then yes! We elves try to stick to the four main food groups - candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup. So, will you be staying with us, then? You mean I can stay? Of course you can! Emily... How long do you think you'll be with us? I hadn't really planned it out, but I was thinking, like, forever. Emily! Can I just speak to you for a minute in the kitchen, please? Are you crazy? He cannot stay here. Clearly he has some serious issues. We can't just throw him out in the snow. Why not?! He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times. Walter, he's your son! (BURPS LOUDLY AND CONTINUOUSLY) Did you hear that? You are so weird. Dad? Dad! Dad! What? I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in. What? I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in. I am not gonna tuck you in. I promise I'll go right to sleep! Fine. Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Buddy, stop it! Stop it. Sorry. (That's OK.) Hey, erm,... (CLEARS THROAT) ..you just lay there and go to sleep. OK. OK. Dad! Hmm? I love you. OK. Go to sleep now. This is really something. I'm usually the one making breakfast. That's good. That's good. OK. Oh, that's good. Good? Good! Good! So, did you, erm,... ..did you sleep OK last night? Great! I got a full 40 minutes. And I had time to build that rocking horse. Oh! Oh, my gosh. You actually made that? Where did you get all the wood? Morning, honey. Morning, Dad. Walter, Buddy has made us breakfast. Isn't that nice? Hmm! And lunch. And lunch. Hmm. Bye. So, Dad, how many scoops? I'll stick with the coffee now, thanks. OK. So, Dad,... ..I planned out our whole day. First we'll make snow angels for two hours, then go ice-skating, then eat a roll of Toll-House cookie dough super-fast and then, to finish, we'll snuggle. I've got to go to work, Buddy. Another thing. If you're gonna be staying here, you should think about getting rid of the costume. I've worn this my whole life! You're not in the North Pole any longer. You wanna make me happy, don't you? More than anything! Then, lose the tights. As soon as possible. As soon as possible? As soon as possible. OK. I almost forgot my... (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Aaagh! (HORNS BLARE / SIREN WAILS) (MOBILE RINGS) Walter here. (GASPS) It worked! It's you! How did you get this number? Emily left an emergency list. I see. And is this an emergency? There's a horrible noise! Coming from the evil box underneath the window. It sounds like this... (MAKES SCRATCHY / WHINY NOISE) It's, er, it's not evil, Buddy. It's a radiator, and heat makes noise when it comes on. No, it doesn't. It's very evil. It's scary to look at. It's... OK. I'm going towards it. Oh, wait. Yes, it is. OK! It's OK. Everything's fine. You were right. OK. Good. I'm gonna hang up now. Love you! Call you in five minutes. No, no, Buddy. Don't, er... You don't have to call me, OK? Good idea. You call me. OK. I'm gonna hang up now. I painted a picture of a butterfly! Good. I'm gonna hang up now. I tuned the piano! OK. I love you. Bye. Mmm! Mmm! Hobbs. Hey! How you doing? Please, sit down. Haven't seen you since the retreat. You're looking good. Thank you. To what do I owe the pleasure? Well, to be honest, I got a call from my niece. She wants to know how a certain puppy and a certain pigeon escaped the clutches of a certain evil witch. Believe me, we're already looking for new printers. This one has obviously gotten a little sloppy. Maybe it isn't the printer that's gotten sloppy. That's your signature, right? We could sit here and point fingers all day. I've got news for you. Even if those two pages were in there, the book still would've sucked! You seen the numbers for this quarter? They'll be here today. They're in. That frigging puppy and pigeon are tanking hard. My people estimate we'll post minus 8 for this quarter. Minus eight! That does not happen! You know, we'll bounce back. We... No, no, no. No. We're gonna ship a new book. First quarter. First quarter? I'm gonna be back in town on the 24th. At that time I'd love to hear, in exact detail, what your plans are for this new book. Wait a minute. The 24th? That's Christmas Eve. And? And, uh,... no problem. Be great to have you in the loop. . (BELL RINGS) I got every weapon in the game. I got full health, full armour, I got full... Michael! Michael! It's me, Buddy! You know that guy? No. I've never seen him before. It's me! Buddy! Your brother! Oh, man. No! Michael! Wait! It's your brother! (TYRES SCREECH) Sorry. (HORN BLARES) Sorry! Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael, wait up! Michael! Michael! You're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited five hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news. I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework, huh? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too? Go away! Ow! Son of a nutcracker! Run! Get 'em! Get the green guy! Oh, no. These guys are bad news. We'd better get out of here. You know what, we can take 'em. OK. Just start making as many snowballs as you can. You ready? Let's go. (CRIES) Oh, man. One got away. Snowball. Wow! Where did you say you were from? # "What Christmas Means To Me" - Stevie Wonder # Candles burning low # Lots of mistletoe # Lots of snow and ice # Everywhere we go # Choirs singing carols # Right outside my door All these things and more... # I wish Dad were here. Why? Cos he's the greatest dad in the whole wide world. Are you kidding? He's the worst dad in the world. What do you mean? All he does is work. Working is fun. Not the way he does it. All he cares about is money. He doesn't care about you or me or anybody. Well, he is on the Naughty List. Do you like her? Like who? The girl you're staring at. Oh. Er, yeah. Why don't you ask her out? Out? You know, on a date. To eat food. Food? Yes. Real food. Not candy. And if she says yes, you're in. It's like a secret code girls have. Well, look who it is. Hi, Jovie. Hi! Oh. Er, this is Michael. I'm his brother. Hi. So, what are you doing here? Did Gimbels give you your job back? No! But things worked out quite good. They gave me a restraining order. Well, erm,... you should probably get out of here. Ho, ho, ho! But I really wanted to see you and I think you're beautiful and I, erm,... ..I feel really warm when I am around you and, erm,... my tongue swells up. So,... ..do you wanna go eat food? Do I,... do I wanna eat food? Mmm-hmm. You know, er, the code. Food. Well, I just had my lunch break. Oh, OK. I understand. But I'm free on Thursday. Thursday! Thursday! Come on. That'd be great. Alright! OK? You did great! What should we put on it first? Lights! Oh, good. And then, after that... Ornaments. Ornaments. OK. What the hell is that? A Christmas tree! A Christmas tree? Buddy chopped it down in the park. Emily. I don't know what you're making such a big deal about. They were having a little fun. So, felonies are fun? I thought felonies were felonies. OK, the tree thing was bad. I'll get him to plant another. But at least Michael's happy for once. What is that supposed to mean? I don't think it's a secret that you haven't exactly been there for him. Why don't we pull him out of school and let the elf-man raise him? Then they can have lots of fun committing felonies. How are we gonna get the star on top? I got it! I mean, what are we gonna do? We can't leave him alone here. He's gonna destroy the place! I know. Why don't you, erm,... ..take off tomorrow and stay home and watch him? Oh, no, no. I can't stay home tomorrow. I have a budget meeting. I can't take off. I'm one bad pitch away from getting fired. I have an idea, then. Why don't you take Buddy to work with you? (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Hey, Walter. Morning, Jack. Morning, Jack. Morning, Mr Hobbs. Morning, Sarah. Morning. That's a nice purple dress. It's very purpley. Francisco. Hey, Mr Hobbs. Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco. (GASPS) Hi! Hi! Do you remember me? I do! I didn't recognise you! I'm in work clothes! Thank you, Debra. Thanks. You have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card. Oh! You just made my day. Ugh! Buddy. Mmm? You don't have to drink that. Thank you. Francisco. Francisco. Francisco. Francisco. Buddy? Am I too loud? Just a little. (Sorry.) Yes, Buddy? Why is your name on the desk? I bought the desk. My name is there so no-one steals it. That's a joke, isn't it, Dad? Yeah, Buddy, that's a joke. So, what are we gonna build? We don't do that kind of work here, pal. (PHONE RINGS) Buddy the elf? What's your favourite colour? Put that down. Hello? (DIALLING TONE) Please. Don't touch anything. Sorry. Bud, have you,... have you ever seen a mail room? A mail room? No. No? No. Oh! I mean, wow! Listen, it's a place where mail from all over the world comes and they sort it out there. They put it in these shiny bins. Shiny bins! Right! What do you think? Oh, that sounds great! Good! Can... can we go there? Well, erm, I gotta work here. Maybe you can work there. OK. I'll work there. I don't think this is the place Dad mentioned. Are there more mail rooms? No. This is the only one. It's not very shiny! No. Over here is the trench. All the mail comes out that shooter. Scan and find the floor each piece is moving to. Put it in a canister and shove it up the tube with the same number. You got that? I think so. This place reminds me of Santa's workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and people look like they wanna hurt me. Greenway's coming in tomorrow, so, what? What do we got? Well, Morris and I have been brainstorming and we've come up with what I think is a big idea. Great! What? You're gonna love it. It's fantastic. What?! OK. Picture this. We bring in Miles Finch. The Miles Finch? The golden ghost. We bring him in! He's written more classics than Dr Seuss! It ain't gonna be easy, but I think it's worth a shot. My two top writers, my crack team, my fun squad. You came in here pitching me the idea of hiring another writer? Yeah! Miles Finch. I like it. (CHUCKLES) I like it. Then I travelled through the seven levels of the candy-cane forest and past the sea of swirly, twirly gumdrops. (GASPS) Ooh! Wow! It's sucky. Oh, wonderful! Yes! That is marvellous, how the... (LAUGHS) Oh, it's very sucky! It's very... ..sucky. Phew. So, how'd you get here? Work release. Hmm! (GASPS) Syrup in coffee? Why didn't I think of that?! Can I try some? Be my guest. Very generous of you. Mmm! (GASPS) I love syrup. Oh, I love it. Mmm! (SLURRED) I know I sound like a broken record, but we are buddies. You're my best friend. That's it. You're my best friend. Nobody around here listens to me. I got really good ideas. I believe it. I know. I listen to you. You have great ideas. I just try to go with the flow. Good. Go with the flow. No! I gotta get out of the flow. I'm in the flow. That's what got me here. I'm 26 years old and I got nothing to show for it. You're young. You're so young. My papa, he didn't make master tinker till he was 490. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) 490! (LAUGHS) Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! (BOTH LAUGH) My favourite book of yours has got to be Gus's Pickles. It's existential, yet it's so accessible. Er, Mr Finch, Eugene Dupree here. It's a thrill just to be talking to you on our speaker phone. Er, Miles, can you fly in tomorrow? "I'll give you five hours tomorrow. Not a minute more." That's great. "I'd like a black S500 to receive me at the airport." "I need the interior of that car to be 71 degrees exactly." We can do that. "Mr Hobbs, there's a situation downstairs." "I'm sorry, what?" Deb, hang up. "I don't hold. Don't put me on hold." "We got a problem in the mail room." What's going on? Debra, hang up! "That's it. I'm gone." Miles! "I'll be there tomorrow. 71 degrees." "Sir, Chuck in the mail room needs to talk to you." What could be going on that's so important you had to interrupt me? # Whoomp, there it is. Whoomp, there it is. Whoomp, there it is. # Upside down and inside out, I'm about to show all you folks what's it's all about. # Now it's time to get on the mic and make this party hype. I'm taking it back to the old school, # cos I'm an old fool who's so cool. If you want to get down, I'm gonna show you the way. # There it is, let me hear you say. # Whoomp, there it is. # Whoomp, there it is. # Louder! "# Whoomp, there it is #" "# Come on, y'all. #" # "You Make Me Feel So Young" ` Frank Sinatra Coming. Hi. Wow. You look miraculous. So do you. Thank you. What would you like to do? I got some ideas. # I'm such a happy individual # The moment that you speak Reach out in front of you and take a sip. Don't look. There you go. Well? It tastes like a crappy cup of coffee. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No. It is a crappy cup of coffee. No. It's the world's best cup of coffee. The trick is to not get your arm caught in the door! Also never close your eyes, cos then you'll get sick. OK! When you feel comfortable, jump in! I'm skipping! I'm skipping! I'm skipping! Wait! Wait! One more. Look at the size of this one. Hmmmm? (LAUGHS) Come with me. Watch out. Yellow ones don't stop. Yellow ones don't stop. Wow. That's a big one. # You make me feel there are songs to be sung # Bells to be rung # A wonderful fling to be flung # And even when I'm old and grey # I'm gonna feel the way I do today # Cos you, you make me feel # So young I'm sorry. You missed. What do you mean I missed? You missed. # You make me feel so young # Oooh, you make me feel so young # (LIFT BELL DINGS) (FOOTSTEPS) Miles Finch. Miles Finch? Miles Finch. Alright, let's do this. Miles, I'm so happy you could come. I'm Walter Hobbs. Let's get the, er, taken care of so we can get started. Here you go. Great. Alright. (CLEARS THROAT) What have you guys got so far? OK. Er, we were thinking something like this. We open on a young tomato. He's had some tough times down at the farm, you know - rabbits. No. And... No tomatoes. Too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable. See, I told you guys. I told them the very same... No farms. Everybody's pushing rural. A farm book would be white noise. What about this, a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells? Apparently, all we have is vegetables. I have no time, so... Alright, I've got about five or six great starts here. I got one idea that I'm especially psyched out of my mind about. You know, it's one of those ideas where you're just like - YES! Whoa! (ALL LAUGH) Er, great. Could we hear it? I'll start with the cover. Picture this. You got... Dad! I'm in love! I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it! Buddy, not now. Could you go back to the pit. I'll visit in a little while, OK? I didn't know you had elves working here. Boy, you're hilarious, my friend. He doesn't, er... Get back to the story, please. (CLEARS THROAT) On the cover above the title... Does Santa know you left the workshop? We're all laughing. Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get here? Go back to the basement. Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your life. I have houses in LA, Paris and Vail. Oh. Each with a 70" plasma screen. I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over and smack it off! You feeling strong? Call me elf one more time. (He's an angry elf.) (GROWLS) Look at you. Ow! Hey, what...? I wasn't ready for that. Ow! Hey! Hey! Hey! (GASPS) Hey! Ooooh! Ewwww. Call me elf one more time. Call me elf. You're an elf. (GLASS SHATTERS) Miles, he thinks he's an elf. Listen, Miles... Miles! (DOOR SLAMS) He must be a South Pole elf. You get the hell out of here. Where should I go? I don't care. I don't care that you're an elf! I don't care that you're my son! Get out of my life! Now! Hi, it's me. "I really can't talk now." Just tell me how the pitch went. I'm gonna be later than I thought, OK? Don't be too late. It's Christmas Eve. Walter. Wait. Um, honey, I gotta go, OK? I love you. "Say hi to Buddy." What? Walter, breakthrough. We found this in the conference room. What is it? It's Miles Finch's notebook. This thing is chocked full of genius ideas. Look at that. His best idea is about a peach that lives on a farm. What's more vulnerable than a peach? What do we do? We should go with the first pitch. How much time we got? 45 minutes. Try to get a storyboard ready. Let's do it. Let's try. You can't sit down and get it ready. Go get a storyboard ready. 'I'm sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR.' 'I don't belong here.' 'I don't belong anywhere.' 'I'll never forget you. Love, Buddy.' God. Hey, Buddy. Buddy? As you know, we need a big launch to get the company back on track. I think I speak for my fellow board members when I say, this better be good. Before I get into the story, let me start with the cover, OK? Picture this... Dad, I gotta talk to you! Michael, what is it? Buddy ran away. What? He left a note. I'm scared, Dad. He's gone. Er, let me just finish this meeting and then we'll figure it out, OK? Figure out what? Buddy cares about everybody. All you care about is yourself. Hey, Michael, wait. We're gonna have to reschedule this, Mr Greenway. We don't have time. I want to hear the damn thing now. Son, you'll have to wait. Don't tell my kid what to do. Can't we do this another time, Mr Greenway? I flew in just to hear this pitch, and I intend to. It's gonna have to wait. If you want to keep your job, Hobbs, you will pitch me this book right now. Well, up yours. Yeah! Up yours. Hey. Hobbs! Hobbs! Hobbs, you walk out of here and you're finished at Greenway! You're finished! I don't belong anywhere. Buddy! Buddy! Buddy, where are you? '(SHOUTING)' 'Dasher! Prancer!' 'Pull! Come on! Come on!' Vixen! Santa? Come on, you can do it! Pull up! Pull up! (ENGINE BACKFIRES) Dad! What? Michael, where you going? Michael! Santa! Back off, slick! You'll scare the deer. Buddy, is that you? Are you OK? Boy, am I glad to see you. The Clausometer suddenly just dropped down to zero. There's just no Christmas spirit any more. The strain was too much. The engine broke free of her mounts. I need an elf's help. I... I'm not an elf, Santa. I... I can't do anything right. Buddy, you're more of an elf than anyone I ever met, and the only one who I would want working on my sleigh tonight. Really? Really. Will you fix it for me, Buddy? I'll try. Papa taught me how. You gotta find it first. It dropped off the sleigh over there a ways. The engine? The engine. Go, Buddy. Go, Mr Elf. "I'm standing outside Central Park where it's unclear what's happened." "Authorities have closed the park and are in the process of clearing it. The only thing people agree on is they saw something fall from the sky." "I have a witness who claims to have seen the whole thing first-hand." "What did you actually see?" "I was walking around and saw this thing." "My daughter pointed it out." "Your daughter?" "Tell me what you saw falling out of the sky." "Santa's sleigh." "(LAUGHS) Santa's sleigh. There you have it. Santa's in Manhattan." "Sorry to interrupt your first big story, Charlotte, but New York 1 "has received amateur news footage you might want to follow-up on. "There's a strange man dressed as an elf wandering through Central Park. "I don't know if this is the kind of hard-hitting news "you covered in Buffalo, but at New York 1, news is top priority." 1 What the... ? Hey! You found it. Buddy! I need to tell you something. There's something I have to tell you. Um, I didn't mean anything I said back there, not a word. I know you may be a little, um,... um,... chemically imbalanced. But you've been right about a lot of things. I don't want you to leave. You're my son, and I love you. Buddy... (GASPS) What was it you wanted to tell me? Oh, right! Come with me. Right. Come on. "I'm here with another witness who has his own version of what happened." "I think you're great, Charlotte. I saw something fall from the sky." "You're a great news lady." "Thank you." "Can you tell me more about what you saw?" "Your eyes tell the story." "That's what I love. It just dropped into the middle of the park." "It was amazing. Everybody was going crazy." "According to authorities, the area has been cleared. Only the Central Park Rangers remain." "These horses are highly trained, but rarely see action." "Some have accused them of being too gung ho, and their crowd-control tactics at the Simon and Garfunkel concert in '85 are still under investigation." I knew you'd find it, Mr Elf. Slap it on quick. We've got to get going. Attaboy. So, er,... You're, er... Santa Claus. Right. Would you mind taking this to your first-born? Sure. And my first-born, he's an elf? Uh-huh. Actually, I'm adopted. Michael, would you open this hatch for me, please? Attaboy. Thank you. So, you're really Santa Claus? You never can tell, kid. Michael, what do you want for Christmas? A skateboard. Oh, not just a skateboard. A real huf board. Looky here. Looky here. How do you like them apples? Go look and see. Whoa! What happened? You made my sleigh fly. What do you mean? Before the turbine days, this baby used to run on Christmas spirit. You believed in me. You made my sleigh fly. Hold it. If you're Santa Claus, we can get news cameras in here, then everyone will believe in you. Christmas spirit is about believing, not seeing. If people saw me, all would be lost. The paparazzi have been trying to nail me for years. (HORSE WHINNIES) Hey, look! Oh, no. It's the Central Park Rangers. Dad, Michael, I got a plan. Whoa! Wait, Michael, my list! Bring that list back right now. You hear me? Give me your hat and coat. Mrs Claus made them for me. Hey! Hey! Here I am. Ho! Ho! Ho! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hey! Hey! Excuse me. Thank you. Excuse me. Authorities have not discovered any reindeer in the park? No. Sleigh bells? No sleigh bells. Elves? None of that. It's really Santa. His sleigh won't fly because nobody believes in him. "Did you see something?" "I can prove he's real! This is his list." OK, well, further confirmation that there has been a Santa sighting - a Naughty and Nice List. Lynn Kessler wants a Powerpuff Girls play set. Rob Webber wants a guitar. Yes! Helen Reynolds wants a Suzy Talks-A-Lot. Thanks, Buddy. Dirk Lawson wants a day pampering in at Burke Williams Spa. "Sam Tobias wants a water pistol." Must be another Dirk Lawson. Dave Keckler wants some Nike Shox. OK, well, obviously we have a new development in the story. Er, confirmation that Santa must have been sighted. We have his book. (GIGGLES) What's your name? I'm Charlotte Dennon, New York 1. D... D. Charlotte Dennon wants a Tiffany engagement ring, and her boyfriend to stop dragging his feet and commit. (ALL) Ooooh! We've got power! "Charlotte? Charlotte?" Who told you to say that? Santa. We need to get these cameras back on. He needs our help! Michael! Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine, but Buddy's in the park with Santa. The sleigh won't fly because there's no Christmas spirit. Michael! Mom! Michael! Are you OK? I'm fine. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. Buddy! We better get going. Get in now. Santa, I'm not done with the engine. Can't wait! On Dasher! On Dancer! I'm not done with the engine. That's OK! You get started. I'll catch up. He wasn't lying. Merry Christmas. Santa, I caught up! Stop messing around and get in! Why are they chasing us? I put them on the Naughty List, and they never forgave me. # You better watch out # You better not cry # You better not pout # I'm telling you why # Santa Claus is coming to town Yahhhh! Yahhhh! Up! Up! Pull up! Buddy, we need power or we're gonna crash! # He's making a list # Checking it twice # Gonna find out who's naughty and nice # Santa Claus is coming to town (BOTH SING) # He sees you when you're sleeping # He knows when you're awake # He knows if you've been bad or good (ALL THREE SING) # So be good for goodness sake # Oh, you better watch out # You better not cry (CROWD SINGS) # You better not pout, I'm telling you why # Santa Claus is coming to town Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! (WHIP CRACKS) Ow! You can do it! Come on, Dancer! That's my boy! Pull, Dancer! Pull, Dasher! I'm getting too old for this job. Now! (SCREAMS) (BOTH SCREAM) The engine's gone! We're toast! (SCREAMS) Still no sign of Santa, but spontaneous carolling has broken out right here in front of Central Park. Let's listen. # When you're sleeping # He knows if you're awake # He knows if you've been bad or good # So be good for goodness' sake # Hey! # You better watch out # You better not cry # You better not pout, I'm telling you why Come on! # Santa Claus is coming # To town Just a little more! Hyah! Whoa! Hyah! # He knows when you're awake (MOUTHS WORDS) Wait. You're not singing. Yes, I am. You're just moving your lips. Santa! Michael, please. What's the big deal? Dad! # Santa Claus is coming to town! # (LAUGHS) Hyah! Hyah! (LAUGHS) Bye-bye! Just like the old days! "Charlotte. Charlotte." I guess we'll never know for sure what happened this Christmas Eve in Central Park. Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! 'And so, with a little help, Buddy managed to save Christmas.' 'His spirit saved a lot of other people, too.' # Should auld acquaintance # Be forgot # And never # Brought to mind? # Should auld acquaintance # Be forgot # 'Walter started his own independent publishing company.' 'His first book was written by a new, critically acclaimed children's author. The book was Elf - a fictional story about an adopted elf named Buddy who was raised in the North Pole, went to New York, ate spaghetti, worked in a shiny mailroom, and eventually saved Christmas.' "First I travelled through the seven levels of the Candy Cane Forest, past the sea of twirly, swirly gumdrops, then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel." As for me, I can't complain. Buddy comes up to visit from time to time. # "Winter Wonderland" Thank you, Jovie, that's very sweet. You're welcome, Papa. Hey, Susie. Come here, little one. Papi wants to see you. (WHIMPERS) Buddy. Buddy. Buddy.
  • Elves--Drama
  • Orphans--Drama
  • Feature films--United States