FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC This is your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great-grandfather Chief Hone Hinga. Well, it's not actually him, it's his life mask. This is your idea of teaching me about our culture? This is morbid. Well, I know it's not pretty to look at, but it was born out of a gesture of love and affection. They wanted to keep him with the whanau even after his death, and it was a sign of respect for someone with great mana. SHOUTING IN MAORI What's he saying? Uh, he's talking about the chief. He's saying that he was taken unlawfully and should be returned. Oi! What are you playing at? You're gonna set the bloody sprinklers off. Now, you lot should be bloody ashamed of yourselves. This is a public space. You wanna burn any effigies, you do it on the grass outside, all right? There's children and elderly about the place. Hey, hey, hey, mate! Hey! Zip it. You forfeited your right to free speech when you made a spectacle and caused wilful damage. And now it's time to leave, or you can get arrested. It's just` Oh, you want to get arrested, do you? I can call the police right now. You brought this upon yourself. Ahh! COMIC ACTION MUSIC (SCREAMS) BANG! (EXCLAIMS) FIRE EXTINGUISHER HISSES All right, the situation's under control. Nothing to see here. Just enjoy the rest of your` (PANTS) your visit. Hey, uh,... you notice anything different about our grandfather? DRAMATIC MUSIC # Yeah, yeah, yeah. # You know I'm super strong, mind like a firearm. # Somebody told me I was hot right now like Tiger Balm. # Somebody said 'T, you a ranger. # 'You are stranger than an attraction to danger.' # I have to say the resemblance is uncanny. Yeah, well, while you're sitting around trying to be a comedian, this crook's probably at home on the couch watching Dickinson's Real Deal. What Terry is trying to say is that, given the family connection, we're willing to do whatever we can to help. That's good to know. Unfortunately, uh, we're not handling this investigation. What do you mean? Well, the mask is on loan from the Louvre, so they've offered to send one of their own to take care of it. So, what, you're just gonna palm it off? Yeah. So who are they sending? Uh, his name's Andre Duspat. He's supposed to be one of the best ` deals in heists, forgeries, white-collar stuff. If you wanna help, I'm sure he's perfectly approachable. FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC Kia ora, and welcome to Auckland Museum. Ooh, that's a lovely necktie. Are you here to visit the special Polynesian exhibition today? If not, general admission to the museum is free, but if you are tourists we do ask for a small donation of $10 ` just to help with the general maintenance and the upkeep of the facilities. Madam, this is Monsieur Duspat. He is here on behalf of the Musee De Louvre to investigate yesterday's robbery. Oh. Ooh. Well, excusez-moi, monsieur. Mr Duspat, I'm Alistair Chase, curator of the Museum. This is my security director, Tom Hagar, and these are our witnesses, Terence Teo and Desiree Hinga. FRENCH ACCENT: I understand there's a problem with the camera. Oh, we've had some interference issues. We're in the process of updating the wireless network` The short answer is we didn't get the robbery on tape. How many cameras? 43. How many in operation? Six. (CLICKS FINGERS) What about the other guards? Uh, at the time of the robbery we had a` a small fire hazard in the foyer, which they` they needed to attend to. Monsieur Tee-o. Taro, Tayro? Just call me Terry. Terry, uh, if you could please if possible try to picture for me everyone who was in the room at the time of the robbery. If, uh, your memory's a little vague, it's OK. Just tell us what you can. Uh, there was a female art history teacher with a class of private school kids. Uh, two mums pushing prams, a group of Japanese tourists, a large Samoan woman ` possibly transgender ` and a chubby Scandinavian with his T-shirt tucked into his pants and a wife that was way too hot for him. Ooh, qu'est que c'est? We are in the presence of a young Hercule Poirot. I've done a couple of red balls, bro, but I don't like to go on about it. Well, someone with a mind for deduction and reasoning must already have a suspect in mind. Well, I think it's suspicious that a protest to return the heads took place at the exact same time one was stolen. Mm. Mm-hm. Mm. I was pretty much gonna say the same thing if- if anybody asked me that. These protesters? I'm afraid I must take a different approach. Yes, they had motive, but how would they do it? This crime was committed by men who are highly trained and well funded. This man cannot even pay for a full set of teeth. Then how do you explain the timing? Mm, perhaps a criminal knew about it. Uh, perhaps he was spying on Monsieur Chase when he hired these hooligans. I beg your pardon? You have two old ladies hawking donations at the front desk. You have surveillance equipment that does not surveil. It is expected you would arrange this protest to court media controversy and sell tickets. That is the most preposterous, outrageous accusation! This a photograph of the museum shop at 9am. This is a photograph of you paying cash for a pair of novelty bookends and one French national flag. Well. If there are no more questions, I will first establish the mode of the crime, and once I have the method... we will know something about the man. You're welcome to stay and observe. Perhaps you may even learn something. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC I can assure you that in every other way, the security system here really is state of the art. How they managed to pull this off is a complete mystery. Hagar, no one has gotten away with anything. Now, if you would be so kind as to talk me through the facts of the case. Well, the head arrived three days ago. Once authenticated, it was locked in airtight, acid-free housing, which could only be opened from the base with a six digit code and a security key. The display case is made of polycarbonate glass, wired with pressurised weight sensors. Even if he could somehow remove the head, microtransmitters embedded in the scalp would trigger an alarm from any of the four exits. They could've gone through a window if they had a skillsaw to cut the glass ` which they didn't. But even if they did, they'd set off a break alarm. No, the only other way out of here is through the roof. But even if you could get past the motion detectors, it's a three-storey climb. None of the operating cameras picked up anything suspicious in the atrium or the foyer, which are the only two exits from the building. (SNAPS FINGERS) JAZZY ACTION MUSIC Uh, Monsieur Duspat. I'm sorry, it's just that protocol doesn't allow shoes on the marae. SLOW, TENSE MUSIC Jasper. (SNAPS FINGERS) BEEPING DOOR WHIRRS Oh, he's actually pretty good. MUSIC CONTINUES Can you open this? No alarm? Well, it's a private room. Who has access to it? Uh, myself, the security staff and anyone who makes a donation over $10,000. Hm. LIFT CHIMES MUSIC CONTINUES KEYS RATTLE Plastic. Monsieur Chase. We have our suspect. JAZZY TUNE LOUNGE JAZZ MUSIC RATTLING Impressed that I tracked you down? Is this the face of a man who is impressed? OK, it's like this ` you know a lot more about solving crime than I do. You're more experienced, you're more sophisticated. You're better educated. So like you said, I thought maybe I could take this as an opportunity to learn something. And before you say no, consider my connections. If anyone tries to move a life mask, it's not gonna be hard for me to find out about it. Terry, despite what you've seen in films, there's no black market for stolen artefacts. The theft was not for monetary gain. He will not try and sell it. Then why go to all that trouble? Perhaps for kicks. Perhaps it holds some personal value. We do not know. What we do know that is it's his third attempt to steal this mask. The first was almost 30 years ago in Paraguay; the second, 12 years ago in Paris. Therefore we can assume this man is between 50 and 60 years old, is in excellent physical condition, is well travelled, and most importantly, he is very resourceful. WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY IN FRENCH Hm. JAZZY ACTION MUSIC Have you heard of this man? His name is Cornelius Jones. He owns mining companies across three continents. Most recently he invested in development projects here and bought a home in St Helier's. The man has a reputation for the eccentric. He is a thrill-seeker, a technologist and a prolific philanthropist, though his chosen benefactors mostly house historic art and antiquities. Besides the Auckland Museum, he has also made contributions to the Musee du Louvre and the Natural History Museum in Paraguay. So what's the plan? There's a fundraiser at his house tomorrow night. The plan is to get invited. A false identity is no problem, but establishing oneself as a VIP... this is not so easy. What about a powhiri? Pardon? A powhiri. Uh, a traditional Maori welcome. But it's only reserved for people of high status, like, uh, celebrities, sultans, dignitaries. Ooh, a traditional native ceremony. This would certainly create attention. Especially if we tip off the media. You could arrange this? Consider it done. Oh, I like this. This is inspired. I must say, Terry, I'm impressed. AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARS How much longer do we have to wait? Just give it another 10 minutes. This is so lame. Can I at least put my hoodie on until he gets here? No! Terry. I think it's time that you accept the fact that you've been set up. Pass me your phone. FUNKY ACTION MUSIC INDISTINCT CHATTER Monsieur Jones. Monsieur Jones, my name is Jasper Laroux. I am a royal subject of the Marquis Besson. Marquis Besson is a collector of exotic antiquities. He was hoping perhaps the two of you could discuss this mutual interest with a view to a possible trade? Perhaps a little later. Excuse me. BOTH SPEAK FRENCH No. (SNAPS FINGERS) (SPLUTTERS) Have you tried this coq au vin? It's like a mini chicken and bacon pie. I know what a coq au vin is, you fool! Careful, Andre. You don't want to lose your composure. That's your defining characteristic. Enough of this funny business. You're about to compromise an international investigation. Let me guess. You're gonna pose as a 'high roller' in the antiques trade and offer him some Gelada fur to get him to show you his private room? Stop showing off. How did you get in here? I told you. I have connections. Bet you a hundred bucks I get to Jones before you do. Ha! I accept. Hey, Mayor Jameison. Bob Jameison, mayor of Auckland city. Besson. Marquis Besson. Sorry to interrupt. Cornelius has offered to show us his car collection. Primo. We were just about to wrap this up anyway, weren't we? I'm sorry. I don't think you got an invitation. FUNKY ACTION MUSIC Cornelius! This is my young friend I was telling you about. Ah. Tena koe. Kei te koa koe. Cornelius is a student of Maori. Oh dear God. Is that a McLaren? (CHUCKLES) Ah, so how come you're so interested in Maori culture? Well, our two people share a lot of similarities. Before the imperialist invasion, we Irish were also a tribal culture. I take it you heard about the stolen life mask. I did, yes. Terrible. You don't think it should have been repatriated? Well, perhaps. But I think a museum is the best place for anything sacred that needs preserving. So what does the baby get up to? (CHUCKLES) I don't know. I've never had it over the limit. Really? Man like you doesn't seem afraid of taking risks. Oh, I was reckless once. Almost paid for it with my life. CELL PHONE RINGS Oh, excuse me a minute? Of course. What's up? Clouseau's on the move. He's making his way up to the second floor. What about his number two? Keeping an eye on you and Jones. Is there a back entrance? You bet. Good looking out. TENSE, JAZZY ACTION MUSIC BEEPING What are you looking for ` a secret room? Come on. I don't have to tell you anything. Well, I just spoke to Jones, and I have to say I think you're making a mistake. He doesn't fit the profile. (SCOFFS) What would you know about criminal profiling? You are but a child. You're the one looking for a hidden staircase. We should leave in case anyone sees us. Terry. Terry! Psst. A challenge. What? We make this the real bet. If I win, you give me $100. Dude, I'm not gonna play chess with you. Just one game. It is already halfway through. You can have the first move. (SIGHS) Checkmate. MACHINERY WHIRRING I knew it! Yes! Suck on it, Terry. All right, take it easy. You said I was wrong. But it is you who is wrong. You must suck on it! You suck on it, Terry. What's going on? Maybe it is you who should be telling us what's going on. Ah. I can explain. Oh, I'm sure you can. I'm sure you can explain why you donated money to the museum just so you could have access to the members' room and make your escape. I'm sure you can explain what you were doing in Paraguay and Paris the same year an attempt was made to steal this very head. And I'm sure you can explain why the prints on your left hand match these prints that we took at the scene of the crime. Actually, I don't think they will match. Oh really? And why is this? Because I don't have any prints on my left hand. DRAMATIC MUSIC But you have the head. As I was going to say, I was contacted a few hours ago by the thieves. They offered me a price ` a price I found not too onerous to pay on behalf of the museum. Then why did you not contact the authorities? I did. BEEP! (GASPS) Five missed calls. ACTION MUSIC JAZZ MUSIC The` The real thieves are still at large. I can't find them without your help. DRUNKENLY: # Nine minibar bottles lined up on la table. # Un, deux, troix, quatre, cinq, six... # How are you even getting drunk off that? Easy. By not sharing. You know you're better than this. Do not coddle me, you indigenous buffoon! You Maori. With your silly hakas and your beating chests and your seeing stones and your gypsy spells! Listen, I think you've had a little bit too much mini Scotch and you're becoming confused and a little bit racist. It has nothing to do with race! It is your culture I find offensive. I will give you another example ` (BURPS) oral history. What kind of a people is so lazy they refuse to write anything down? Actually, you're right. It is getting a bit racist. It is. But you just gave me an idea. CURIOUS ACTION MUSIC You boys dig in! That mutton bird will be off by tomorrow. Oh, thanks, Auntie Hinetu. (COUGHS) Merci. OK. Let's see. Uh, I believe the year was 1824. Hone was at war with the French colonists who built an illegal settlement on his land. Hone made a deal with a man named Dingo Davidson, an Australian whaler and guns trader. For all the muskets he could supply, Hone promised a treasure which his tribe had seized from a ghost ship years before. But Dingo was a swindler from a long line of swindlers. He double-crossed Hone, having already made an arrangement to sell the guns to the French. Dingo knew Hone had the map in his possession, but he was unable to find it. He left empty-handed. The French finally took the village by force and took Chief Hone's life mask too. So what happened to the treasure? It's still out there. The exact location died with Hone. However, some years later a rumour surfaced that the map was hidden somewhere on that life mask. Old Dingo would have been furious. He was only a few feet away from it the whole time. If Dingo heard about this, he could have passed it down through his family line, just like we did. Is that Hone there? Yep, that's him. He's a right show pony, your grandfather. Always posing for anyone who wanted to paint his portrait ` as long as they paid for it. LAUGHTER Hey, Andre. You notice anything different about his moko? TENSE MUSIC Never in my life did I ever think I would utter these words... Sacre bleu. ACTION MUSIC TENSE, DRAMATIC MUSIC JAZZY ACTION MUSIC Too late for a guided tour? It's weird. I thought putting old ladies in prison would make me feel worse than this. It'd be worse if they knew that there was nothing inside that box but a bunch of toiletries. Hone, you old dog. Monsieur Teo. Uh, nah, don't worry about it. Ah, Terry. A bet's a bet. Besides, you have taught me much. And not only about your culture but about myself. (KISSES) We` We can work on it later. That's good. Where do you want us to put this? What do I want with a box of perfume? Ah! Mon dieu. This is no ordinary perfume. The inscription says it belonged to Marie Leszczynska, queen consort of Louis XV. Hey, uh, what do you think your bosses at the Louvre would say to a trade? Ka pai. I'm proud of you, son. Oh, I just think this is where our tipuna belongs, really. I mean, we'll carry him within our hearts wherever we are, but it's important to know that he's here with us ` here in Aotearoa. Terry! Before I forget ` your key to the members' room. Oh, right. Choice. Thanks, bro. So returning our tipuna to his rightful resting place means you get to hang with the big boys? I'm not above taking benefits. Anyway, Polly doesn't have Sky Sport. This is the only way I can watch NBA. That's not the point. I thought that after everything that's happened, you would have a little bit more integrity. I can bring a family member. Oh, that's probably enough culture for one day, eh? Besides, I'm keen to see if Nowitzki's gonna make the starting line-up after that knee injury. # You know I'm super strong, mind like a firearm. # Somebody told me I was hot right now like Tiger Balm. # Somebody said, 'T, you a teen heart-throb.' # Make my baby faint, make a tween's heart stop. # You know I'm super strong, mind like a firearm. # Somebody told me I was hot right now like Tiger Balm. # Somebody said, 'T, you a ranger. # 'You are stranger than an attraction to danger.'