Hello, my name's Josh. I was brought up on a farm in Timaru. My dad still lives there and sends us regular emails. On the show tonight, I'm going to read one to my mates. 'This week on the show ` Urzila Carlson,...' Damaged tins of fruit. OK. It's usually peaches or pineapple. Trust me ` I go for the damaged. (LAUGHS) I don't wanna brag, but I spoil myself often. '...Guy Montgomery,...' If you think of this as a movie, he's got a lot of moving parts very early. Gotta catch up with` Who's this Mike guy? I'm here in the van. Don't get too hung up on Mike, cos we've gotta go to the van. '...and Justine Smith.' A windmill, eh? Oh well, it's good to have projects. I mean, most old people, what do they do? They crochet or they... But building a windmill. Hello, Urzila. Hello. Thank you for coming back. No worries. I always come round to people's houses. Do you? Yes. Huh. So, here we go, here's an email from David Thomson. Subject: Dad. READS: 'Yesterday the hay baler was successfully loaded on a trailer 'and sent to Gore with the neighbour of the man who purchased it.' So, he sold it on Trade Me. Yeah. So he's just realised what Trade Me is, and now all of the crap that he's been hoarding on the farm,... Yeah. ...he now sees dollar signs. He sent it to Gore with the neighbour of the man who purchased it. Yeah. So, the guy bought it and went, 'Oh, Tony, can you pick up a hay baler that is a four-hour drive away?' You know, when you're the only one with a ute or a trailer, you're always helping your mates move, so that would have been... You go, 'Oh, Tony, did you say you were going up to Timaru?' What? No. No way. That's four hours away. No, you said you were going. Didn't you say you had some...? No, no. Cos if you go over there, I've got a favour to ask. Yeah, can you pick up something? I just bought something on Trade Me. Suitcase, couple of boxes, is it? It's just a hay baler. Throw it in the back of the car? What's that, sorry? Just on the trailer. I mean, you've got that trailer. I've got a` A what? You wouldn't wanna waste it. A hay baler?! I'll totally square you up ` I'll pay half of the petrol. Half of the petrol? Half, yeah. Well, you're going up there anyway. READS: 'Yesterday, the hay baler was successfully loaded on a trailer 'and sent to Gore with the neighbour of the man who purchased it. 'Vince (BLEEP) purchased it, and Trevor (BLEEP) collected it.' Oh my God, that's` (LAUGHS) I don't know either of these guys. (BOTH LAUGH) SHRILLY: Silly! You don't need to tell your family the names of the people that have bought stuff off you off Trade Me. READS: 'Vince (BLEEP) purchased it, and Trevor (BLEEP) collected it.' 'He has a big stud of Arabian horses and rides extreme cross-country treks on them.' (BOTH LAUGH) He really gave Trevor a really thorough interview about Vince. Yeah. Do you think Vince makes Trevor do a lot of things? (LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah. READS: 'I have never had so much disposable cash before. 'I became irresponsible and purchased some coloured beads, 'a pair of waders to go fishing, 'several bottles of wine, damaged tins of fruit, half a pig's head and other luxuries.' Holy shit. (CHUCKLES) The coloured beads? What are you doing with coloured beads? You can always make one of those things you put in front of the door. Oh, OK, that you come through. Like a Madonna or an Elvis Presley. Yeah, great, great. He might be trading with some natives. What kind of beads? I don't know. That is insane. Might be after some muskets. 'Pair of waders' ` good. Those are important. Those are important, because the pair of waders he has has holes in them, so they're not waders any more. They're just bits of rubber` They're rubber chaps that have holes in them that maybe Vince and Trevor... He's got the look. ...have seen them. (BOTH LAUGH) 'Wine' ` great deal. Good. Yeah, there's no such thing as 'bought too many bottles of wine.' What the hell is he talking about? Exactly. They only get better over time. Yeah. 'Damaged tins of fruit' ` fruit salad? No, they're usually not the` Cos people will still buy fruit salad regar` It's usually peaches or pineapple. Trust me ` I go for the damaged. (LAUGHS) I don't wanna brag, but I spoil myself often. I still stay to my mum, 'Look at this.' And she said, 'It's too much sugar.' And I said, 'But...' (BOTH LAUGH) It's 59c. 'Half a pig's head' ` That's a treat. Is it? That's a little reward, isn't it? (GUFFAWS) I just` How do they split it? Do they go halfies, or do they go front halfies? I know they go down the middle. Down the middle? Also, also, if you're gonna treat yourself, buy a whole pig's head! Don't buy half a pig's head! He's only one man. Yeah, but what`? What are you getting from the pig's head? Uh, the cheek? We're talking about an animal skull in the freezer at the supermarket that's been sawn in half,... Wait. ...looking at you. In the supermarket? Yeah, and so he's bought half a pig's head. They don't sell that stuff in the supermarket. Yeah, they do. In, like, the dog food aisle, the scraps. Dad's gone there. I've got a lot of money from the hay baler. He's seen a head cut in half, and he's gone 'Whoo-hoo-hoo!' READS: 'Half a pig's head and other luxuries.' What does that mean? (LAUGHS) Undies. Undies? Yeah. OK. 'And other luxuries' means 'no holes in my underpants'. Yeah, but his luxuries so far are expired food and offal. Yeah. OK. I'm to embarrassed to talk about some things, but buying rotting, sort of, produce and just, sort of, dog food ` that's fine. He's eating. READS: 'I had roast pig's head for tea.' And my new underpants... ...are exquisite. Yeah. I should buy him some underpants. Yeah. READS: 'Ofa atu, Dad.' That's amazing. I so wanna` Can you ask him to send a photo of the beads? Coloured beads. Yeah, sure. 'Coming up after the break ` Guy Montgomery...' A little like you and me. You know, when we pore over your dad's emails, I feel like we really get along. That's when we bond. But outside of this context ` I mean, we're at each other's throats, Josh. (BOTH LAUGH) '...and Justine Smith.' If he's thinking about turning stuff off at the wall at night to be safe,... Yeah. ...maybe rewiring an outdoor sensor light to an indoor radio ` maybe not the best idea. We want to be in the right places to respond fast. We want somewhere to have fun. I want to get to work safely. MAN: Everyone has their views on how our money should be spent, but good decisions are made when you know the numbers. That's why we all do the census. It's how we find out the information government, iwi, businesses and communities use to make better-informed decisions. For now, just look out for your access code in your letterbox, and keep it somewhere safe. Guy Montgomery, wonderful comedian, very happy to have you here and to share in the joy of one of my dad's emails. Thanks, Josh, good to be here. Great. (LAUGHS) You're most welcome. OK, let's go. Reads: 'From David Thomson. Subject: Dad.' Always. Always 'Subject: Dad'. READS: 'Yesterday, caught one whitebait and put it in the water trough.' 'That's quite a lot to unpack already.' (GUFFAWS) So, have you been whitebaiting? No, no, I haven't been whitebaiting. Ever seen anyone whitebaiting? I have a picture in my head of what whitebaiting looks like. Yeah, right. So, he does a scoop whitebaiting, and he has a big, sort of, whitebaiting scoop bag, which is basically a sieve, and he basically sieves the ocean. By the sounds of things, your dad's sieve is slightly too large at the moment. (LAUGHS) So far as, all of the whitebait got through... Bar one. Save for one, yeah. One bigger. I don't know why, but on the West Coast they just put out a big, sort of, net, which basically just captures all whitebait, so they get a lot, but it's not very good for the environment. No, no. Well, I would say, of all of the whitebaiters, your dad is probably having as close to the smallest environmental impact... (BOTH LAUGH) ...as is humanly possible to have. I don't know if he's growing it for future use or for a meal later on, or if he's just experimenting to see what would happen. Yeah, we do not know the fate of this whitebait. But it's good on him. (LAUGHS) READS: 'Yesterday, caught one whitebait and put it in the water trough. 'Had an enjoyable chat with Mike Higgins while looking through his collection of earth-moving gear.' Mike Higgins. Mm-hm. You know Mike, I'm assuming. I do not. So... (CHUCKLES) Why would he mention Mike Higgins' name? Great question, great question. He does not say he is chatting about the earth-moving gear. No. So, potentially, they are chatting about something else whilst walking around bulldozers. That's what enables them to have the best possible conversation. A little like you and me,... All right, yes. ...you know, when we pore over your dad's emails, I feel like we really get along. That's when we bond. But outside of this context, I mean, we're at each other's throats, Josh. (GUFFAWS) So maybe this earth-moving gear is your father and Mike's equivalent. READS: 'Had an enjoyable chat with Mike Higgins while looking through his collection of earth-moving gear. 'Slept in the van again last night for twofold reasons.' OK. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) Go on. Slept in the van again. Mm. We don't know he's sleeping in the van. Like, we just get these emails and... (LAUGHS) Dad's back in the van. I'm struggling to get past the whitebait in the trough. Mike Higgins, whoever he is, and then, out of nowhere, slept in the van again. Again?! If you think of this as a movie, he's got a lot of moving parts very early. Gotta catch up with` Who's this Mike guy? I'm here in the van. Don't get too hung up on Mike, cos we've gotta go to the van. READS: 'I slept in the van again last night for twofold reasons. 'One, to see what it is like with a single mattress. Width is OK, and more room for other stuff in the van, but as it is rather thin, you can feel all the crossbars of the frame.' So this is the first of the folded reasons. This is the reasons unfolding before our eyes. So the first is to experiment with a single mattress? Yes. I would say 'mattress' is a very generous term to use for a... More of a mat, perhaps? (BOTH LAUGH) A square of foam,... Yeah, yeah. ...that you might find in a 7-year-old's bed. It's a mat that has not yet earned the suffix '-tress'. (LAUGHS) READS: 'Width is OK, and more room for other stuff in the van, 'but as it is rather thin, you do feel all the crossbars of the frame. 'This might be solved by putting thick cardboard under the mattress.' (GUFFAWS) 'Reason two was to be handy to hear any rabbits caught in snares set up at the exits under the army hut.' Yeah, and they say men can't multitask, but here's David Thomson,... Two. ...researching the comfort of sleeping on a mat on a metal grid, and patrolling the vicinity for rabbits. (LAUGHS) Well, see, I don't know if he's... With his ears. Yes, patrolling with his ears. Not actually patrolling, yeah, yeah. Now, I will say his ears aren't the best. OK. Very poor. Well, it makes sense that he'd be more likely to hear the rabbits in the van than, what, presumably in the house. (LAUGHS) Now, they're either wire snares, but who knows? There's other snares ` those ones that, you know, like, when people like, walk through the jungle and, like, (SUCKS) get pulled upside down, so maybe there's some of those. Oh, wow. Well, like, I'm saying that, but only because I have no idea what he's put down. Yeah, OK. Or they could be, you know, clappy-clappy ones. Yeah, like a bear trap, sort of? Yeah. The gist of it is, these rabbits are done for. They're done for. The other gist of it is, don't walk near the army hut, because there's many death traps. He takes the name pretty seriously. (BOTH LAUGH) So those are the two reasons, fold one and fold two. READS: 'Had to be handy to hear any rabbits caught in snares set up at the exits under the army hut. 'I had a powerful torch and the .22 rifle handy.' So he's got a gun and a torch. He's got a gun and a torch. He's a man on a mission. He's a man on a mission. He's in bed ` bed ` in the van, ready to go with a torch and a gun. READS: 'At 5am, heard this thumping sound, so with great excitement, big torch in one hand 'and a rifle in the other, I went to dispatch the villain. 'Low and behold, when I was fully awake and had tracked down the noise, 'it was the irrigation water squirting on the corrugated iron fence that was making the racket, 'not a struggling bunny.' Oh no! (LAUGHS) He slept in a van on a mat and then got woken up by his own irrigation system. Hang on. That's his own irrigation system, so he turned that on... (LAUGHS) ...before he went to bed, so that's been going all night. (LAUGHS) So, it's gone around and goes... (IMITATES MOTOR) READS: 'Low and behold, when I was fully awake and tracked down the noise...' So he's just stumbling around with a gun ` like, I don't know what he's wearing ` I'm going to get you. ...around snares, and anything that's making a noise. He's like, 'Ahh!' He's got a powerful torch. (LAUGHS) Not for nothing. And the gun. And then finishes with, 'Ofa atu, Dad,' which is Tongan for 'best wishes'. So that's his day. Wow. What a journey. Amazing. Action-packed. Oh my gosh. Are you going to write back? Yeah. Most of the replies from me are... 'What are you doing?' 'Who's Mike Higgins?' (BOTH LAUGH) 'Please be careful with the gun.' Wha` (LAUGHS) 'You know I worry about you.' (GUFFAWS) 'By the way, I'm exploiting these emails for my own agenda.' 'Coming up after the break, Justine Smith.' Yeah, that's the old, South Island, practical farmer though. That's a day off, eh, whacking together a few trolleys. Like, an Auckland guy, eh, would have to go to a night class to learn how to put a wheel on a trolley, you know what I mean? Justine Smith, one of my favourite comedians in New Zealand. Thanks, Josh. Thank you for coming and sharing a table and breaking... Some water from the tap. Yeah, yeah. Well, I've got a coffee. Lovely tap water. I wouldn't drink that. So, this is from my dad. READS: 'From David Thomson. Subject: Dad' 'Woke up early but stayed in bed thinking about lessons learnt at a Safe with Age seminar yesterday. Are they for people on their own, mainly? I think so. I don't know. But it's a good thing. It is a good thing. Mum's in a retirement village, so she gets, basically, wrapped in cotton wool and taken to lunch and brought back. Yeah, so he's on a farm by himself ` a farm with machinery, guns. (LAUGHS) Guns? Oh yeah. He's got guns. Has he got a gun closet? Yeah. I think, legally, I should say that, yeah. You know those gin traps that go like that? Like, bear traps? Uh, yes. What about that? He's got`? Well, he's got those on the farm as well. What for? Vermin... stuff. Wha-? There's no bears, though. No, but they're not as big as that. They're about as big as my hands are. For like... I think they're legal. What if a cat stepped in one? Not good. Doesn't end well. READS: 'Woke up early but stayed in bed thinking about lessons learnt at a Safe with Age seminar yesterday. 'I will turn off all appliances that do not have to be on at all times at the wall plug.' That's a good idea. Is it? Oh, yeah. I do that anyway. It's fire, eh, that's the risk? I don't know. Or is it wasting power? There's not enough information here. 'I'm just gonna turn off stuff. I went to a seminar. I'm going to turn off some stuff.' READS: 'I have too many wheelbarrows, barbecues, bins of firewood and growing plants 'and outdoor furniture to lock up in a shed every night, 'so I will look at other methods to deter a burglar.' How many wheelbarrows does he have? He's got, well... A rough estimate ` between four to five. What?! Maybe six, maybe six. He has too many wheelbarrows, barbecues, bins of firewood and growing plants and outdoor furniture. We're talking logs, a bit of plank on bricks. Yup. 'Growing plants', he doesn't mean...? No, no. He's not growing... plants. But he is growing plants, but again, a very niche burglar to come out to the farm and dig up plants, wheelbarrows. Well, the plants are in pots though. It sounds like it's anything you can pick up. The plants are not in pots. Oh. The plants are in the ground. So to burgle the house, you're going to need a truck, some sort of winch to hoist up these cast iron barbecues and a spade. So he's supposed to lock this stuff up to make it safe? I think the guy from the seminar told him to lock your outdoor stuff that's good. And he's gone, 'I can't. There's too much good stuff on the farm. There's too many bits of rusted...' Treasure. Treasure. Yup. '...that will tempt anyone that's coming past, 'so I'm going to leave it out and come up with another way to deter burglars.' READS: 'Don't be alarmed if when I am away you see a bra and knickers on the clothesline, 'and dainty shoes at each door.' (GUFFAWS) What? READS: 'I just want to make a potential burglar think that I am just adapting the recommendation 'given to elderly single ladies to leave a big pair of man's boots at the door 'and have a patched pair of jeans on the clothesline.' He's completely done the opposite of the recommendation. (GUFFAWS) You don't` I am a single, sexy woman, alone on this farm. Yeah. READS: 'I might adapt a security light sensor to turn on a radio inside the house.' What? 'I might adapt a security light sensor to turn on a radio inside the house.' So, when you walk up to the sensor, instead of a light coming on,... a radio will come on. That sounds a little... I mean, if he's thinking about turning stuff off at the wall at night to be safe, maybe rewiring an outdoor sensor light to an indoor radio ` maybe not the best idea. READS: 'I might adapt a security light sensor to turn on a radio inside the house. 'Today the tummy is still a bit iffy, 'so I will make a couple of trolleys as a permanent base for the beehives which will be slowly shifted 'at a rate of a foot a day to be burglar deterrents near a couple of the windows.' (INHALES) His stomach is iffy. His tummy is a bit iffy. Probably don't need to know... But how does that relate to`? What's he making, trolleys? No, what he's saying is, he can't do other stuff. Oh, I see. Yeah. But what I think he's doing ` he's putting beehives by the window. So if a burglar was coming in, he'd have to climb up a beehive, and if he did, he'd get swarmed by bees and stung. Or it would be a handy wooden box to step up into the window. (GUFFAWS) The other thing is ` pretty annoying for everybody during the rest of the time. 'Quite hot today, might open the window...' (YELLS) (LAUGHS) 'Also, I'm feeling a bit sick today, so I'm only gonna make some wooden trolleys to move beehives.' Like, you can just sit down. Yeah, that's the old South Island practical farmer though. Yeah. That's a day off, eh, whacking together a few trolleys, you know what I mean? I don't wanna stress myself out. I might poo myself, but I'll just make a couple of trolleys. Like, an Auckland guy, eh, would have to go to a night class to learn how to put a wheel on a trolley, you know what I mean? (LAUGHS) READS: 'I might go to a clearing sale near Temuka today. 'I do not need any more stuff except windmill parts.' Windmill parts? Is he building a windmill? I don't think so. Hang on. I don't know. I don't know. It sounds like the answer, Josh, is, 'Yes, your dad is building a windmill.' He's not doing himself any favours for attracting attention if he's trying to deter burglars, if he's going to build a whopping great windmill on the farm. A windmill, eh? Oh well, it's good to have projects. I mean, most old people, what do they do, they crochet or they...? Mm. But building a windmill. But he's also not well. He's got an iffy tummy. He's got an iffy tummy, so he's only going to build a couple of carts. Cos he needs to be close to the house probably. Well, there we go. And then go to a clearing sale in Temuka. Madness. READS: 'Ofa atu, Dad.' Which means 'best wishes'. So, do you know if he's been to Temuka and got his windmill parts? No, of course not. I'm waiting for the next email. Will there be follow up? Will he tell you? You'd think so. It's been really wonderful having you on, Justine. Thank you, Josh. Yes, yes. And got any old underwear? Just flick 'em down to Dad, and he can hang them on his line. There's no flicking the underwear, it's more hauling it. (BOTH LAUGH) Captions by Florence S. Fournier. Edited by Chelsea Brady. JOSH: And you really enjoy it, and it's good? Is it good? Is it good? Yeah! Mm. Shouldn't have stopped eating to tell you that. Here's a preview. READS: 'I have made a mental note for myself to a) always swim with togs or shorts on.' I can't wait for 'b'. READS: 'And b) keep a towel handy, as with water in my ears, I may not hear visitors coming.' (LAUGHS) We're getting so caught up in toy spider bait that we've overlooked bucket toilet, which is so insane to be excited to try out. (BOTH LAUGH) You know? READS: 'The mix smelt like paint. It looked like thick, pink paint, 'and it tasted what I imagine pink paint to taste like. 'So I was only able to eat a third of it.' I've got a feeling there was paint in that. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. 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