1 I won't bore you with the details of Barney's demise, but I could certainly do with a man around the house now that he's out of the picture. You know she's facing a murder charge? Do you watch the news?! Of course I don't watch the news! I'm 17! SMASH! It's gone! You think this has anything to do with her husband's murder? This might be a game to you, but that coin was my entire future. Hey! (GRUNTS) So, how do you even know this guy? He's a low-level stooge, but his Uncle Lazlo's a big-hitter in the Serbian mafia. How'd a guy like that even get in the country? Guess he's got a good lawyer. Barney Featherstone. That's Lazlo Murkovich's lawyer. That's Penelope's stepfather. What does that mean? It means Mrs Butterworth didn't kill her husband, cos her husband isn't dead. Terry, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. In what way? We've got a fingerprint from Krisjian Murkovich. That's it. There's no reason to believe that his uncle or Barney Featherstone had anything to do with this. He'd have everything to do with it. Why else would a family property lawyer start taking on criminal cases? Cos he was behind on his taxes. Or cos he'd been cooking this idea up for years and he needed someone with the right skills to help him pull it off. I mean, you said it yourself ` Lazlo deals in forgery. He's probably already got a new identity. Listen, I don't want you mentioning a word of this to Mrs Butterworth. Her daughter's just been kidnapped; she's still implicated in her husband's disappearance. She's got enough on her plate without you putting all these crazy ideas into her head. (KNOCKS) As far as she's concerned, Barney Featherstone had nothing to do with this. This has Barney written all over it. What makes you say that? He had a morbid fascination in that coin. 'Who would be interested in buying a Saint-Gaudens? What would it be worth on the black market?' I had no idea what he was planning until after he disappeared. The fact that they never found a body aroused suspicion. Then when it was finally stolen, a picture started to form. We believe that coin was actually a fake. We think the men who kidnapped Penelope did so in order to get to the real coin. Well, that's a perfectly reasonable deduction. It was fake. What? I switched the coins when I suspected what Barney was planning. I told Penelope to hide the real coin. I didn't say why. Any idea where she hid it? I told her not to tell me. Wait a minute, you called the police over a fake coin? Well, a burglary is still a burglary. Besides, I wanted to find out who took it. You didn't think of mentioning this theory earlier? Detective, I'm on trial for my husband's murder. My opinion is hardly credible. Well, if Penelope knows where the coin is, I'm sure she'll tell the kidnappers. I doubt it. I have to agree. She's waited 18 years for that inheritance. I'm sure she can wait a little longer. EASTERN EUROPEAN MUSIC RAPS: # Uh, yeah. We're gon` # No. What gives? Ooh. Cut, cut, cut. Cut the music, man. No, cut the` (TURNS MUSIC OFF) I thought we talked about this. It's the last single off the album. You are lieutenant in one of Serbia's most feared crime syndicates. Why are you putting your face on a camera? You never said when I joined the business I'd have to stop making music. For God's sake, this is a kidnapping! What if this video pops up somewhere and she recognises it? Oh, guys. Guys, come on, chill. Chill, OK? I'm not a complete schmuck. This container is totally soundproof. She can't hear a thing. PENELOPE: I can hear everything. Including you, Barney. JAZZY MUSIC (SIGHS) I feel lousy about having to steal from you, pumpkin. I really do. But if it's between taking your inheritance or having to eat your mother's cooking for the next 40 years, I'm afraid grand larceny wins out every time. You know I'd never lay a hand on you, but these Serbs are a different story. They're not gonna let you out of this tin box until they get the coin. And what about you? You think they're just gonna let you walk away? It would be very difficult for them to retain their residence status if they didn't. Perks of being a lawyer. You're not even half as smart as you think you are. Where's the coin? I don't know. Right. (CLEARS THROAT) I guess we'll have to have a little chat with your mum. DRAMATIC MUSIC # Yeah, yeah, yeah. # You know I'm super strong, mind like a firearm. # Somebody told me I was hot right now like Tiger Balm. # Somebody said 'T, you a ranger. # 'You are stranger than an attraction to danger.' # PHONE RINGS LOW, TENSE MUSIC Hello? CRACKLY: We have your daughter, Mrs Butterworth. Do you have what we want? I have the coin, yes. What are you doing? I need to speak with Penelope. All you need to do is listen and obey the instructions we give you. Barney, let me speak with my daughter. I asked you to get me a voice changer. It works better if you do the accent. Look, I'll show you. (GROWLS) We will ring you tomorrow with further instructions about the drop. Do not contact the police or you will never see your daughter again. (HANGS UP) Either they're using a trace blocker or they're someplace underground. Terry, can I have a word? What was that about? It's called leverage. We said we were gonna play it straight. No tricks. Yeah, well, I changed my mind. Sometimes to stay ahead the enemy you have to stay ahead of yourself. That doesn't even make any sense. How many times do I have to tell you? Stop interfering. Uh, a little credit? I was the one who found out who her kidnappers were. We don't know if it's Barney or not. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing you've managed to do is get a young girl kidnapped. Hey, I might have a lead. We couldn't find an address for Krisjian, but we found one for his girlfriend, Renee Busby. OK, let's check it out. Actually, I gotta to report back. You should take Terry. JAZZY MUSIC Tell you what I saw last night that was great ` The Siege. Denzel Washington? He does this cool move at the end where there's this terrorist holding this chick hostage and he commando rolls like 5m, lands and he shoots this guy. It was mean. That's ridiculous. What's ridiculous about it? What sort of gun was it? A SIG Sauer 226. So when did he cock the hammer? Uh, it was pre-cocked. You do a dive roll with an engaged firearm, you're gonna shoot yourself in the face, all right? Anyway, like I've been trying to tell you since day one, that's not what being a cop is about. Statistically, I've got a better chance of growing a second pair of balls than ever being in a situation where a dive roll would be considered a smart tactical manoeuvre. PACKET RUSTLES (SIGHS) You know what I think your problem is, McMurray? Lack of imagination. Where you going? You've made it physically impossible for me to be in the car with you for another second, so I'm gonna see if he's inside. Don't you think we should wait it out a little longer? JAZZY MUSIC JAZZY MUSIC TRILLS (COUGHS) Where is it? (GASPS) Lost your asthma inhaler, mate? (SHOUTS, COUGHS) Yo, McMurray? I think we're gonna need an ambulance. 1 This yours? Hmm? It was lifted from a guy who kidnapped this girl. You know her? I want to see my lawyer. Oh, you mean this chap here? Yeah, I hear he's really good. Might be a little bit difficult now that he's presumed dead, though. Oh, you wanna know something interesting? This guy is this girl's stepfather. Shall we start connecting the dots? Lazy eyes? You g`? Is that what we're doing? Lazy eyes? I can do lazy eyes. I can put a goddamn bullfrog to sleep. KNOCK AT DOOR, PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE PHONES RING How's it going in there? Fine, thank you. Uh, you mind if I take a run at it? Terry, this is police business. I won't tell anyone if you don't. All right, look, he knows you're a cop, whereas I'm just a kid. It'll totally throw his game off. Look, why don't you go make yourself a cup of tea, OK? I'll come get you in a few minutes. And if I get nothing out of him, no harm, no foul. Everything that's discussed in that room goes on tape. (CLICKS TONGUE) SUSPENSEFUL, JAZZY MUSIC What is this? Good cop, kindergarten cop? You kidding? Bro, I've been in that chair more times than you've had Egg McMuffins. I'm just here for the girl. You want a drink? I mean, I'm not the type to get hung up on one girl, but this one's special. You know what I'm talking about, right? I've seen your missus. How'd you hook that up? She likes bad guys. No doubt. I bet I know what else she likes. RAPS IN SLAVIC ACCENT: # Criminal, it's gangster. Original prankster. # You know my jam? Yeah, me and about 50,000 other people. You know, it's actually based on an old Serbian nursery rhyme. Here's what I like about it. It's like it's aggressive, but it doesn't sacrifice melody. Well, my father was an accordionist. He once opened for Steely Dan. I don't know who that is, but I will say this ` I think you're a world-class talent. Mate, you should be selling out stadiums, not stealing coins from teenage girls. You know what the worst part is? We don't even need it. My family own three companies. Originally, they were just fronts, but we turn over 2 million a year. Legitimate cash! The only reason we're still in crime is to pay for Uncle Lazlo's gambling debts. Lazlo's a gambler? He once blew six figures on a game of Caribbean stud, and he treats me like I'm the idiot. Look, I didn't know the girl was his stepdaughter. That is messed up. Do you know where she is? They cut me out. Barney says that I'm a liability. But I do know they change the location every six hours. What about Barney? Where's he at? He's protecting himself. Not even Lazlo knows where he is half the time. He'll never show his face in public, but he calls the shots. RELAXED JAZZ MUSIC He doesn't wanna nark on his uncle, but he admits Barney's behind it. You know what I've been thinking? Look, I know I overstepped the mark. I should have more respect. I'm really sorry. I've been thinking... that it's a shame your old man wasn't here to see this. Now, he wasn't the most popular guy, your dad, but when it came to closing cases, no one could touch him. I couldn't figure out why I never really liked him that much until today. This has only ever been a job to me, and somehow your dad found a way to make it more than that. And whatever it is that made that fire burn inside of him, he's passed that on to you. I'm not saying this so you can bawl your eyes out. Well, why are you saying it, then? I'm just saying maybe you're right. Maybe I do need to think outside of the box from time to time. So what do you wanna do now, chief? It's your case. I wanna visit an old friend, but I can't have you dressing like a cop. You said I'd look like Machete. I look like a Muppet. The clothes are fine; you just gotta commit to them. Now, I mean it, McMurray. You can't let this guy know you're 5-0, OK? He may look like he's soft, but he's well connected. JAZZY MUSIC Oh, two visits in two days. For a moment there I was worried you'd gone straight. Sorry about the short notice, Lenny. I know you're a busy man. Anything for a friend, within reason. So, what's the gig? I need you to act as a buyer to verify another fake double eagle. Is it the same guy who came in yesterday? Not him, the guy he works for ` head of the Serbian mafia. They've kidnapped the girl the coin belongs to, but we don't know where it is and the girl won't give it up. Who's this girl to you? I work for her mother. Why do you think they'll come and see me? Well, you told them the last one was a fake; they know they can trust you. This your idea or the copper's? How'd you know I was a cop? Because he told me he was bringing a cop with him. Well, you shouldn't have tried to make me cry. All right, what's in it for me? Oh, when Penny inherits the real double eagle in a couple of years, you get commission on the sale. What about the Serbs? What's to stop this coming back on me when they realise the coin's a fake? Don't worry about it. By the time they figure out what happened, they're gonna be on the first plane back to Bosnia. Belgrade. Exactly. # "Whole World" by Gabe Simon VO: 'When you book a flight with Expedia,' 'and add a hotel or activity,' 'you can save.' 'Everything you need to go.' 'EXPEDIA.' PHONE RINGS TENSE MUSIC DISTORTED: Are you ready to make the exchange? I'm sending someone on my behalf. No cops. He's a friend of the family. Tell him to be at the Customs St bridge in one hour. Play by the rules and you'll be with your daughter soon. Double-cross us and you'll get a piece of her in the mail every Christmas. (HANGS UP) When this is over, I want to make sure he gets what's coming to him. Don't worry, he will. So, Terry, it's a combination of his hand and my hand, right? We'll talk about it later. Hey, Terry, in case something goes wrong. What if they search me? Trust me, they're not gonna find it. This girl better be worth it. She is. You and Caleb are gonna follow me, right? And what do I get to do? Oh, that's right. I get to be completely underutilised again. You get the best job of all. You get to look after Mrs Butterworth. You're lucky I like backgammon. SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE FUNKY MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC OK, here we go. TYRES SQUEAL FUNKY MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS TYRES SQUEAL FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES Wait, they're reversing. Isn't that the van? They must have swapped cars. FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES OMINOUS MUSIC MUSIC SLOWS Nobody touches the board. DETECTOR BEEPS BEEP! BEEP! OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES He's clean. DEEP VOICE: Let's see it. It's in the bag. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC You will have to wait while we verify it. All right, but make it quick. Game of Thrones is on tonight. DRAMATIC MUSIC Terry! Are you OK? You hurt? No, I'm fine. What's happening? What's happening is we're getting you out of here. What's that? A cell phone. Are you serious? Yeah. You trust me, right? Not really. I guess it doesn't matter. FUNKY EASTERN EUROPEAN MUSIC PEOPLE CHATTER Good evening, sir. Can I interest you in a game? No, thank you. I'm meeting someone. Well, you can always play while you wait. I'll even spot you the first two chips. Have you ever played Caribbean stud before? Would you want me to explain how it works? TERRY: (BANGS ON DOOR) Hey! Hey, open this door! FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES Sorry, bad dream. Uh, how are you guys going? You're sweet. There's only two of them. BOTH: Yeah! Two pair wins. Looks like it's the player's casino tonight. CELL PHONE RINGS What? What are you doing? He's here, waiting. I'm on a hot streak. There's no way I'm leaving this table. We're talking about $4 million here. And I'm up 750. You'll have to do it yourself. I'll send Novak. FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS Keep them occupied. We'll signal when Terry and the girl are free. Lenny Snodgrass, and you are? In a hurry. Understood. Let's go somewhere a little more private, shall we? BACKING TRACK PLAYS RAPS: # Won't shut your face and now you look drunk. # A Russian drink of vodka, you'll never wake up. BACKING TRACK STOPS # You take two` # Try rapping to this beat. PEOPLE SHOUT, SCUFFLE Wait for it. MAN GRUNTS, OBJECT THUDS There we go. 'Sup. FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC Ah! (LAUGHS) Full house. Nice. Hey, you know what beats a full house? MUSIC SWELLS Dealer wins. (MUTTERS) Congratulations. This is the genuine article. My client would be happy to take this off your hands. TENSE JAZZ MUSIC What's this? Clean money, once you cash it. Novak, check the door. OMINOUS MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC Sir, it's a sting! GUNFIRE Fall back! < OBJECTS CLATTER DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES FUNKY MUSIC Police! Put your weapons down! DRAMATIC MUSIC FUNKY MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Oh. Bloody antiques. TENSE MUSIC I think Lenny's out of ammo. How many others in there? Just one. What should we do? (SIGHS) I can't believe I'm actually considering this. DRAMATIC MUSIC LOW, JAZZY MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC TRIUMPHANT MUSIC McMurray! Back of the neck. Get in. TENSE MUSIC Hello, pumpkin. I was just leaving. Maybe you and your friend would care to join me. Look, you want the coin? Fine. OMINOUS MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS ECHOES: No! DRAMATIC MUSIC But I wanna go on! I told you, Jermaine, I don't have any more coins. Now come on. But I wanna go on. OK, OK. Look what Mummy found. No! No! Oh! Argh! Get away! Get away! Get out, out, out! Yeah! (GRUNTS) Stupid! Stupid! (GRUNTS) Stupid! (SHOUTS) Featherstone! Armed police. Get on the ground! DRAMATIC JAZZ MUSIC Pigeon is in the hole. FUNKY MUSIC HORNS HONK Get us to the Amada, Hobson St. Quick as you can. You mind sharing? What? If you let me pick up another passenger, it'll be half price. Fine, fine. Just get a move on. All right. (STARTS ENGINE) FUNKY MUSIC TYRES SQUEAL I'm sorry, darling, but this as far as the journey goes for you. Come on, Janet. There's no need to be hostile. I'm sure there's more civil way we can work this` ZAP! Now, I haven't have a chance to test this recipe out, but basically I mixed some industrial-strength pesticide with Botox. I actually thought it was quite an inspired idea. It should cause almost instant neuromuscular paralysis without losing consciousness. However, you may lose some functionality in the bladder, but try your best to control it, as there's a $50 soiling fee. Yeah, don't be messing up my uncle's cab, Barney. If you don't mind me saying, Mrs B, that was pretty gangsta. It was a bit gangsta, wasn't it? (CHUCKLES) Yes, well, there's no fun having a name like the Black Widow unless you can live up to it. This is true. GENTLE MUSIC POLICE RADIO CHATTER I believe this belongs to you. I guess you're expecting some sort of reward. Oh, nah. I mean, I did` I told Lenny that you might consider him as like a sales agent or something. Because I was gonna offer you a kiss. That would've been the reward. (SIGHS) Sometimes I need to just shut up. Yeah, you do. JAZZY MUSIC Boom! Man, I'm gonna be hitting the rewind button on this image. Well, that's almost my story. I say almost because I forgot I still hadn't figured out a way to pay the rent. But that's OK. Polly had some ideas of her own. Big savings. We got big savings up in here. Hey, man, wanna make some big savings on your landline and internet connection? Hey. How's it going? PHONE RINGS PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Hello? Hello, Terry. OMINOUS MUSIC Remember me? FUNKY MUSIC Captions by Able. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016