1 FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC RAPS: # On a tiny little island at the bottom of the world, there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet? # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around, # they know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street, like... # ...we're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Ouchie. SOOTHING CLASSICAL MUSIC BIRDS CHIRP She brings the sploosh! (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) Taaaaaa-nnnnnneeee! (GRUNTS) Yeah! (LAUGHS) Did you just yell your own name? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. It's all I could think of. (CHUCKLES) Fridge, where are you? Say the words. BOTH: All hail the belly-boom bust! I can't hear you. BOTH CHANT: Belly-boom bust! Belly-boom bust! Belly-boom bust! Belly-boom bust! Belly-boom bust! Belly-boom bust! CHANTS: Belly-boom! Belly-boom! Belly-boom! Belly-boom! Belly-boom, belly-boom! Belly-boom, belly-boom, belly-boom, belly-boom! BOTH CHANT: Belly-boom bust! Belly-boom bust! Hello? I'm sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm about to... belly-boom! (GRUNTS) Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (LAUGHS) SOARING CLASSICAL MUSIC ASCENDING WHISTLE (YELPS) Huh? What was that? Sounded like someone slapping a glazed ham. Wonder why you'd do that. Oh, people are weird. Bro, that was choice! Um, you OK, Fridge? ELECTRICITY CRACKLES SLOWLY: Guys, are you there? I seem to have lost all vision, and I seem to have lost all feeling in my body and lost all hearing in my ears. All senses are on the fritz. Give it a few minutes. A belly-boom always does this to him. (GIGGLES) (SQUAWKS) What? Ha, that kea's got your shorts. Yeah. (LAUGHS) No, wait! Oi, give my shorts back, stupid bird! (SQUAWKS, LAUGHS) Oi! I said give them back! They` They cover my undies. (PANTS) DRAMATIC MUSIC Oh! (PANTS) DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS Hmm. Oi! Get back here! Sorry, mate, just had to pop our clothes on. Didn't wanna run through the forest half-decent like a weirdo. Not` Not that you look like a weirdo. You really pull that look off. Are those Tumeke Space undies? They look nice. Um, so, yeah, where'd that` where'd that kea get to? The little thief's hiding in that tree. I've got this, Tane. Mum taught me a very effective kea call. (CLEARS THROAT) Kea! Kea! Oi, kea! Oi, kea! Kea! Kea! Hey, kea! Hey, kea! Where are you?! (BELLOWS) Come here! (SIGHS) (GASPS) Ooh, ooh. Excuse me one moment, friends. (SHRIEKS, BABBLES) > (YELPS) > Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT) That, uh` That kea call didn't work. (GASPS) Ooh. Yeah! This should do the trick. (GRUNTS) Come out, (CONTINUES HITTING TREE) kea. Give the... shorts back. (GRUNTS) CURIOUS MUSIC HOLLOW TAPPING Whoa, the kea pooed itself. Oh, and it's massive. That's not a poo. It's an alien. It's an egg, you egg. I know. That's totally what I was just saying. (SQUAWKS) Huh, I guess all that tree bashing kind of freaked him out. Oh, it's still warm. I wonder what it could be. It could be an omelette if we play our cards right. Ooh, maybe it's a dragon egg. Oh, everything's far-fetched with you, isn't it? Come back down to earth, Riley. Please join us. I reckon we should take it back to the tree house. We can protect it until it hatches. What's with this kid, eh? Always wanting to take stuff back to the tree house. Maybe we should leave it right here. It's here in the tree house. I'm starting to think no one listens to me. For perfect egg-hatching conditions, we'll need to keep the egg at 37.2 degrees Celsius and the humidity levels at around 65%. I was gonna say 66%, but, yeah, we'll go with yours. (LAUGHS) So funny. Mm. Ideally, we could do with an incubator. Um,... I` I've got an old fan heater and a polar-fleece hoodie. Mm, a bit scientifically crude, but, yeah, it'll do. CHIMING MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL CLASSICAL MUSIC CHIMING MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL CLASSICAL MUSIC (GROANS) Hmm. MUSIC STOPS (GASPS) It's hatching! Riley, if it is a dragon and it tries to eat us, that's on you! Well, it might not be. (GASPS) It might be an alien face cuddler! A what now? A face cuddler. They jump out and they cuddle your face. That sounds OK. Yeah, until you die! (GASPS) Whoa! (GASPS) It's... ...a... ...moa! DRAMATIC MUSIC Moa, moa! This is impossible. Moas have been extinct for over 500 years. (SQUAWKS) Maybe it's just a big chicken. My dad used to tell me stories of Te Moa Whakamutunga. (GASPS) The Last Moa. Yeah, and I think we found it. (SQUEAKS) Hey, little fella. (SQUEAKS) Little fella. Holy-moley, it talks! Holy-moley, little fella. (GIGGLES, SQUEAKS) (LAUGHS) He's awesome! (LAUGHS) I think he's a she. (GIGGLES) Hi. My name is Riley. Riley. Holy-moley, awesome. Holy, she learns fast as. (SQUAWKS) I` I guess she's pretty cute. (GRUNTS) Whoa! Oh. (GIGGLES) She thinks you're a bird's nest, bro. Most birds do. My mum calls it a delightfully curly curse. (SQUAWKS) Bird's nest, bro. Whoa, we could teach her everything we know. She could be the newest Barefoot Bandit. We could ride her around the island like a majestic steed. A majestic steed, I tell you! (GASPS) We could name her. We could name her... Molly. (GRUNTS) Holy-moley Molly. (GIGGLES) So, how do we go about teaching her stuff? The same way all kids learn stuff ` from watching TV. Well, technically, the education system is the best option, but, yeah, TV will do for now. Yes! TV rules! I like the cooking shows best. The television imagines food for me. Now` Now, Molly, you stay right here. Don't leave this tree house. Stay right here, little fella. (GIGGLES) We'll be back in the morning. Tomorrow will be fun as. (SQUAWKS) Ooh! FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ON TV > (GIGGLES) SCARY MUSIC PLAYS ON TV (GASPS) Ooh. TV PLAYS DISTANTLY SAD MUSIC PLAYS ON TV (CRIES) DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV > Whoa! No one loves you more than your mum, so why not show her you love her with... JAUNTY MUSIC I love you and gherkins. SAD MUSIC Mum? THEME MUSIC (SQUEAKS) TV is the greatest. I wanna eat it, and I wanna eat chocolate. Chocolate looks like the business. (SQUEAKS) It is. It is the business! Your vocabulary has increased exponentially. Astounding. Cheers, bro. Hmm. Guys, if we're gonna go outside to play, we're gonna need a disguise for her. (GIGGLES) THEME MUSIC BIRDS CHIRP Where are you kids off to today? Nothing dangerous, I hope. Ooh. Um, we're just showing our new friend around the island, Dad. Yeah, chill out, dude. (GASPS) Shh. Whoop-whoop! SNEAKY MUSIC That new kid looked a bit like an ostrich. (SIGHS) Jack, remember when you first met Fridge? You said he looked like a garden gnome with an afro. Well, he just stood there barely blinking. How was I to know? Freaked me out. (LAUGHS) All right, Molly, so I hold the ball like this, and you kick it as hard as you can. Fridge, as always, will be the goal posts. Try and not hit my face, please? Thank you. Ooh, I saw this on TV. Molly lines up the kick. DRAMATIC MUSIC It's away! It's straight down the middle. It's good! Choice kick! Oh, it missed my face! You see, Tane, it is possible! All right, I think that'll just about do it. (YELPS) No! What the? I just spent 24 hours working on that! Right, whose sporting ball is this? Duck, duck, moa. (GIGGLES) (GIGGLES) Where are you running, bro? You're supposed to run in a circle. Once I start running, I don't have much control! (PANTS) I got you, bird's nest. (GIGGLES) Yeah, well, I let you win because you're just a baby. My mum always says always let babies win because they're babies. (PANTS) Mum? I would like to see my mum now, please and thank you. Um, I'm so sorry, Molly. I think you might be the last of your kind. Holy-moley, that's sad news. Molly doesn't like sad news. Hey, we'll be your family. Yeah, we'll look after you. < DENNIS: Attention, please. I assume it was you lot who pummelled my perennials. Ew. Oh, perennials are plants. Grow up and stop being such an immature... person. Wait a minute, what are you hiding there? A moa. They're hiding a moa. (GASPS) A moa? (SQUAWKS) What's`? What do you mean? A what? That's impossible. Yeah, you'd think so. (SQUAWKS) We have to protect her, Mr Gobb. Oh,... right, yes, we do. And we need to tell the world. What? No! Yes. Can you imagine the tourism boost? Ngaro Island ` the only place in the world where you can see a real-life moa in a tiny little cage. You can't put her in a cage. (SQUEAKS) Nah, bro. We can't let you do that. Oh, really? Riley, take Molly somewhere safe. (GRUNTS) No, you stay right there, young lady. Sorry, Mr Gobb, but this Barefoot Bandit's gotta ride. Hi-yah! (SHOUTS, BABBLES) SHAKILY: It looked more graceful in my head. Right, well, they may have gotten away, but you two are coming with me. All right, folks, uh, apologies for interrupting your day, but, uh, that is my will, and this, I think you'll find, is a very important announcement. Well, that sounds very serious, Dennis. It is serious, Kiri. You're right. I mean, these children found a real-life moa, and they're hiding it from me. No, I'm out. What's he in a huffy about? Are you sure it was a moa, Dennis? Remember when that Mammoth Man turned out to be nothing more than a defrosted caveman? Yeah, I think we can all stop referring to me as a Mammoth Man now. No need to perpetuate negative stereotypes. You can call me... Kevin. Very strong name there. DEEP VOICE: 'Masculine.' Kev. Or Kev. (LAUGHS) All right, well, thank you, Mammoth Man, but I'm fairly certain this was an actual moa. An actual moa. Tell them, children, about the actual talking moa. Nah. Don't know what you're talking about, Mr Gobb. Yeah, it's probably just a big chicken. Oh, it wasn't a big chicken. You're a big chicken. How stupid do you think I am? Quite a bit. Uh, all right, Dennis. I think you've made enough of a spectacle here. Let the kids go, and we can all just carry on with our day. Your strong words give me goosebumps, Jack, and you know that. But I know what I saw, OK? This is a moa, and people are gonna come from all over the world to see it. So I guess I'm just gonna have to get out there and hunt it down myself. It's for the greater good. Mother, can you get my hunting bonnet? No. < Oh. What is it, son? Dad, there's something I need to show you. THEME MUSIC OK, Dad, what I'm about to show you is pretty choice. Try not to scream. Fridge, I don't scream. OK, Riley, bring her out. Ta-da! Whoop-whoop! Hey, Big Tane. Aue! Taukiri e! Te moa whakamutunga! Holy! I... I could just about scream. There it is. Told you. Just like the stories my koro used to tell me. Hey, cool shorts, bro. And she talks! (LAUGHS) This is amazing. Amazing, dude! Yeah, but what do we do about Mr Gobb? He wants to put her in a cage. (GASPS) Take me to where you found her. We'll go from there. But first let me grab some things. # "Whole World" by Gabe Simon FATHER: 'When she saw her favorite animals' '- all in real life-' 'her face just lit up.' 'And when I saw that? Well, mine did too.' NARRATOR: 'When you book a flight with Expedia,' 'and add a hotel or activity,' 'you can save.' 'Everything you need to go.' 'EXPEDIA.' 1 Right there. That's where the egg came from. Over there, where my finger's pointing. That one. Molly doesn't wanna be the last. Molly doesn't wanna live in a cage. Molly wants a home and a mum. We'll find you a home. The Barefoot Bandits always come through. Choice, Dad. Oh shucks, Tane's dad. Do we have time to sing the club song? Not really. OK. DENNIS: Here, moa! Moa! SQUEALS: Moa! You lot hide. I'll distract Dennis. How? DRAMATIC MUSIC CLICK! BOOM! CLICK! DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES EAGLE CRIES Fancy dress party 1997. The theme was leathers. I thought they said feathers. Dad, be careful, eh? You too, son. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC I think we should hide in here. It feels like home. That's a horrible idea. No, that's a great idea! Everyone, into that tree. Well, in that case, I hope you're the one that gets a massive bug on their head this time. (GRUNTS) JUNGLE MUSIC Mm. Aha! There she is. Larger than I remember but still glorious and majestic. (GROWLS) Huh? Hey, excuse me, big hairy man, can you move on, please? (GRUNTS) I'm trying to track something that people don't believe exists, if you don't mind. (GROWLS) Oh, look at those massive feet of yours, you big, hairy hominid. Get out of it! Some of us have got some important looking to do. (CAWS) JUNGLE MUSIC (CAWS) Oh! She's taunting me! Oh, well, that's it. No one waves at me and gets away with it. JUNGLE MUSIC TENSE MUSIC I like this. This is comfy cosy. Guys, I don't really like the dark, uh, because it's dark. So I'm gonna crawl over there where it's a bit lighter. What are you talking about, bro? (GASPS) He's right. There's something back there. Holy-moley, let's go into the light. Don't say it like that. What a horrible way to word it. JUNGLE MUSIC (CAWS) BOING! Ha ha! I've got you! Prepare to feel mildly woozy, moa. Oh, really?! Argh, Jack! Uh, you've been eaten by a bird! It's a costume, Dennis. Argh, Jack, you've been eaten by a costume! Oh, right, now I see. Right, I get it now. You would actually harm an endangered species? Oh, uh, no, not` not harm. I'm just` I` I would shoot it with a surgically sharpened, uh, needle. (GROWLS) Oh, well, you know, if I had known it was you, Jack, (CHUCKLES) well, I would have swapped that dart for a` a firm, respectful handshake. (CLEARS THROAT) So, uh, since we're a couple of mates hanging out in the wilderness ` oh, look at us ` how's about we track down those kids and find that cute little moa, uh, together? We're not looking for the kids, Dennis, and there was no moa! The only moa around here is standing right in front of you, and he's not... (VOICE DISTORTS) feeling very friendly. Uh, point taken, uh, terrifyingly. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC I can see something up ahead. (GASPS) Yeah, me too. MUSIC CONTINUES Whoa! MAJESTIC MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC SWELLS I kind of think we found your home, Molly. Whoa! It's amazing! (GASPS) Whoa. < We've been waiting for you. (GASPS) I told your dad you'd find your way back. (GASPS) Mama? Us moa girls are quick learners, eh? (CHUCKLES) Guys, I have a mum and a dad. And a brother, and you've got a grandma and an uncle, who we try to keep out of the way of cos he's a bit weird. Wow, was she talking about me? That's... Oh, that's not fair. I only licked your face once. (LAUGHS STUPIDLY) Um, what is this place? This is a world hidden from human sight, a world where species long believed to be extinct can roam free and be happy. I hope we can trust you to keep our secret. Oh, we will. Thank you. You know, it's been a long time since I last saw a human. Oh, I forgot how bizarre their faces are. (LAUGHS) (GIGGLES) So, I guess this is goodbye, eh? Well, come on. What`? What do you say to the nice humans who looked after you? Thanks for everything, little fellas. We'll come and visit. Oop. Excuse me a moment. Gotta go. (WAILS) > BIRDS SQUAWK (SIGHS) I` I might just stay in touch over the phone if that's OK. (GIGGLES) You know, I` I really did think I was doing the best for Ngaro, Jack. I didn't mean to be such a villain. (GROANS) I know, Dennis. You just... ease up on the bully tactics. You're... You're better than that. (SNORES) (GASPS) Oh, coming from you, Jack, that means a lot. Jack? (GRUNTS SOFTLY) Oi, excuse me. This is a private conversation between two best mates, so off you go. (GRUNTS) Cut that unkempt hair, you hippy! THEME MUSIC Captions by Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016 LETTERS SQUEAK, GRUNT CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS