COMPUTER BOOTS UP TYPING MODEMS DIAL (Harry Nilsson sings) # Dreams are nothing more than wishes # And a wish is just a dream # You wish to come true # Whoo whoo whoo # If only I could have a puppy # I'd call myself so very lucky # Just to have some company # To share a cup of tea with me # I'd take my puppy everywhere # La la la la I wouldn't care # And we would stay away from crowds # The signs that said 'No dogs allowed' # Oh we - I know he'd never bite me # Whoo whoo diddle oh oop doo doo # Oh we - I know he'd never bite me # Oh no # If only I could have a friend # Who'll stick with me until the end # And walk along beside the sea # And share a bit of moon with me # I'd take my friend most everywhere # La la la la I wouldn't care # And we would stay away from crowds # The signs that said 'No friends allowed' # Oh we would be so happy to be # Whoo whoo diddle oh oop oop # Oh, we would be so happy to be together # But dreams are nothing more than wishes # And a wish is just a dream # Your wish will come true # You wish to come true # Your wish will come true... # Amazing. This is amazing. Listen to this - 'The entire workforce of the state of Virginia 'had to have Solitaire removed from their computers 'because they hadn't done any work in six weeks.' That's so sad. Know what this is? It's the end of Western civilisation as we know it. Oh. Hey, aren't you late? Technology - name me one thing, one, that we've gained from technology. Electricity. That's one. You think this machine's your friend, but it's not. I'm out of here. See you tonight. Sushi! Sushi! 'Bye. SNEAKY MUSIC (Clicks tongue) MODEM DIALS MODEM CONNECTS COMPUTER: Welcome. You've got mail. 'Brinkley is my dog. 'He loves the streets of New York as much as I do...' MAN: 'He likes to eat pizza and bagel off the sidewalk. 'I prefer to buy them. 'Brinkley's a great catcher who's offered to try out for the Mets 'but he chose to stay with me 'and spends 18 hours a day sleeping on a large green pillow. 'New York in the fall makes me want to buy school supplies...' WOMAN: Ready! I'm almost ready! Yo. 'I'd send you a bouquet of sharp pencils if I knew your name.' I need a double today. 'On the other hand, not knowing has its charms.' Did you push it? Yeah! Yes, I pushed it. I'm going to be so late. Rental house fire - Dick Atkins. Good riddance. Murray Chilton died which makes one less person I'm not speaking to. Hurry, hurry, hurry! Ugh! Vince got a great review. He'll be insufferable. Tonight - PEN dinner. Am I going? Joe Fox, you promised. It's black tie. Oh, oh, oh! Can't I just give money instead? What is it this week - free Albanian writers? Oh. Because I'm in favour of that. Oh! Oh! OK, I'll go. I'll go. You're late. OK, OK. I know. DOOR OPENS DOOR CLOSES SNEAKY MUSIC MAN OUTSIDE: Good morning, Miss Eden. OUTSIDE DOOR CLOSES SNEAKY MUSIC CONTINUES MODEM DIALS Who's a lovely dog? Who's a lovely dog? Welcome. 'Welcome.' You have mail. 'You have mail.' OK, OK, OK. Get down, get down. KATHLEEN: 'Dear friend, I like to start my notes to you 'as if we were in the middle of a conversation. 'I pretend we're the oldest, dearest friends 'as opposed to people who don't know each other's names 'and met in a chat room 'where we both claimed we'd never been before. ''What will NY152 say today?' I wonder. 'I turn on my computer. 'I wait impatiently as it connects. 'I go online and... my breath catches in my chest 'until I hear three little words - ''You've got mail'. I hear nothing, not even a sound, on the streets of New York, 'just the beat of my own heart. 'I have mail. 'From you.' (The Cranberries sing) # Oh, my dreams # It's never quite as it seems # Never quite as it seems # I know I've felt like this before # But now I'm feeling it even more # Because it came from you # And then I open up and see # The person falling here is me # A different way to be # A totally amazing mind # So understanding and so kind # You're everything to me... # The electrical contractor called. His truck hit a deer last night so he won't be here till tomorrow. The upstairs shelves are late. The pine we ordered has beetles. Very good. And we got a $50,000 ticket for construction workers peeing off the roof. Great. That is great. Is the electrician here today? He hit a deer, man. I knew you weren't listening to me. You're right. Yeah. How was it? 'I hear nothing - nothing. 'Not a sound on the city streets. 'Just the beat of my own heart.' It goes something like that. You and Patricia got engaged, didn't you? You can tell me. Engaged? Come on. Are you crazy? I thought you liked Patricia. I do. I do. I love Patricia. I LOVE Patricia. Patricia is... Patricia is amazing. Patricia makes coffee nervous. Hey, you know what? We should announce ourselves to the neighbours. No, this is the upper west side, man. We might as well tell them we're opening a crackhouse. They'll hate us. They'll be lining up... BOTH: To picket the big bad chain store... ..that's out to destroy... ..everything they hold dear. We're going to seduce them with our square footage and our discounts and our deep armchairs and... BOTH: Our cappuccinos. That's right - they're gonna hate us at the beginning... BOTH: But we'll get them in the end. You know why? Why? Because we're going to sell them cheap books and legal addictive stimulants. In the meantime, we'll put up a big sign. 'Coming soon - a Fox Books Superstore 'and the end of civilisation.' COOL JAZZ Good morning, Christina. Good morning, Kathleen. It's a beautiful day. Isn't it just the most beautiful day? I guess. Yeah, sure. HORNS BLARE, TYRES SQUEAL Idiot! What are you doing? You had the green light! Don't you just love New York in the fall? Perfect. Mmm! You can't beat that. Scotch tape? What is going on with you? Nothing. You're in love. In love? No! No. Oh, yes! That's right - I'm in love with Frank. And practically living with Frank. Mmm. Well. Do you think you could get our Christmas mailers out this week? Yeah, yeah. By Monday, I promise. I have this paper due Friday. What is going on? Nothing, nothing. Nothing at all. I am just going to stand here until you tell me. All right. Is it infidelity if you're involved with someone on email? Have you had sex? No, of course not. I don't even know him. No, I mean cybersex. No. Well, don't do it. The minute you do, they lose all respect for you. Mmm. Well, it's not like that. We just email. It's really nothing. On top of which, I'm definitely thinking about stopping because it's getting... Out of hand? No. Confusing. But not - because it's nothing. Where did you meet him? Oh, listen, I can't even remember. OK, on my birthday, I wandered into the Over 30 room for a joke, sort of. And he was there and we started chatting. About what? Oh, books. And music. How much we both love New York. Harmless. Harmless. Meaningless. Bouquets of sharpened pencils. Oh. Excuse me? Forget it. We don't talk about anything personal so I don't know his name or what he does or where he lives exactly. It will be really easy to stop seeing him because I'm not. God, he could be the next person to walk in. I know. He could be... SHOP BELL RINGS ..George. Oh. Morning. Are you online? Well, as far as I'm concerned, the Internet is just another way of being rejected by women. SHOP BELL RINGS Good morning. Good morning, Birdie. What are you girls talking about? Cybersex. I tried to have cybersex once but I kept getting a busy signal. I know. I know. I was really depressed one Saturday... PHONE RINGS Time to open up. I thought nobody wants to score... Oh. Jessica and Maya, how are you today? Fine, thank you, Aunty Kathleen. PHONE RINGS Hi. GEORGE: Good morning. The Shop Around The Corner. George speaking. The construction's going well. We should open on time, although Kevin and I are both a little concerned about the neighbourhood response. This fabric on the couch - does it have a name? Money. Huh? Its name is money. Oh, Gillian selected it. (Laughs) Good guess. Your father's getting married again. Really? Yep. Congratulations. Thank you. Why? Who knows? Love? Possible? I think you're a damn fool. Pops, Matthew is four years old. It would be nice if he knew his parents were married. Listen, I have a sad announcement to make. Uh, City Books on 23rd Street - it's going under. (Imitates gun shooting) (Imitates gun shooting) Oh. Another independent bites the dust. Onto the next! We're going to buy out their entire inventory of architecture and New York history for the new store. How much, son? How much you paying? Well, whatever it costs. It won't be as much as that exquisitely uncomfortable mohair episode there which is now all over my suit. Here you go. Thanks. We'll also have a section dedicated to writers who have lived on the west side. As a sop to the neighbourhood? Perfect! Keep those west side liberal-nut pseudo-intellectual... Readers, Dad. They're called readers. Don't do that, son. Don't romanticise them. It will keep them from jumping down your throat. Well, what's the competition? One mystery store, Sleuth, 78th and Amsterdam, and a children's bookstore - Shop Around The Corner? It's been there forever. Cecilia's store. Who's that? Cecilia Kelly. Lovely woman. I think we might have had a date once. Or maybe we just exchanged letters, or... You wrote her letters? Well, mail! It was called mail. Stamps. Envelopes. You know, I've heard of it. Well, Cecilia had beautiful penmanship. She was too young for me but... ..she was...enchanting. Enchanting? Her daughter owns it now. Oh, too bad for her. KNOCK AT DOOR Ah! MAN: Excuse me, Mr Fox. Yeah. 'My father is getting married again. 'For five years, he's been living with a woman named Gillian 'who studied decorating at Caesar's Palace.' Is it porcelain? Rubber. 'Once I read a story about a butterfly in the subway. 'Today, I saw one. 'It got on at 42nd and off at 59th 'where I assume it went to Bloomingdale's to buy a hat 'that will turn out to be a mistake, as almost all hats are.' 'Listen to this - 'every night a truck pulls up to my neighbourhood bagel place 'and pumps about a ton of flour into underground tanks. 'The air fills with white dust which never seems to land. 'Why is that?' 'Confession - I have read 'Pride and Prejudice' about 200 times. 'I get lost in the language - 'words like 'thither', 'mischance', 'felicity'. 'I'm always in agony over whether Elizabeth and Mr Darcy 'are really going to get together. 'Well, read it! 'I know you'll love it.' 'The whole purpose of places like Starbucks 'is for people with no decision-making ability 'to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. 'Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat...' Tall skimmed caramel macchiato. 'Etc.' WAITER: Tall skimmed caramel macchiato! Mocha cappuccino grande. 'So people who don't know what they're doing or who they are 'can for only $2.95 get not just a cup of coffee, 'but an absolutely defining sense of self.' Tall skimmed caramel macchiato. Thanks. 'Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!' Tall decaf cappuccino. DEFLATED MUSIC Bummer! A Fox Books Superstore. Quelle nightmare! It has nothing to do with us. It's big, impersonal, overstocked and full of ignorant salespeople. But they discount. But they don't provide any service. We do. So really, it's a good development. You know how in the flower district, there are all those flower shops so you can find whatever you want? Well, this is going to be the book district. If they don't have it, we do. And vice versa. Absolutely. When you are finished with Fox Books, The Shop Around The Corner is going to be responsible for reversing the entire course of the industrial revolution. Well, now, that is so sweet! Frank, thank you. That is so sweet. Hey! Although, I... What? What is that doing here? Oh! Oh, my gosh. This is amazing. Listen. The Olympia Report Deluxe Electric. 'Report' as in 'gunshot'. That sound is familiar. Listen to this. Listen to this. What - that whirring? The gentle soothing lullaby of a piece of machinery so perfect. I know where I've heard that before, Frank. I needed a backup. You have another one at your apartment... I might. ..you wrote a column about. Yes. Who cares? What were you going to say? When? Before. Oh, nothing. Come on. Well, I'm just wondering - I'm wondering about my work and all. And I'm just... I mean, what is it that I do, exactly? All I really do is run a children's bookstore. All you really do is this incredibly noble thing! Well, I don't know. Kathleen! Really, I'm just...I'm just... You... ..are a lone reed. You are a lone... ..reed, standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce. I am a lone reed. Lone reed. I am a lone reed. 'Sometimes, I wonder about my life. 'I lead a small life. 'Well, valuable, but small. 'And sometimes I wonder do I do it because I like it 'or because I haven't been brave. 'So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book 'when shouldn't it be the other way around? 'I don't really want an answer. 'I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. 'So goodnight, dear void.' BOAT HORN BLOWS (Whistles) Hey, Joe! Hello, Joe! Hey! Hey! I know you! I know you! Hello, Annabel the little girl. Hi. How are you? And you! Matthew! How are you? OK. Good. You ready to say hello to New Jersey? ALL: Hello, New Jersey! (English accent) Don't I get a hello? Hello, Gillian. Kiss me - I'm going to be your wicked stepmother. There you go. Hello. And who is this? Nanny Maureen. I brought her in case you couldn't handle the kids. Maureen's getting a divorce. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. (Irish accent) It's my own fault. Never marry a man who lies. (Gives inane giggle) That is so wise. Yes. Annabel, remember that. She taught Matt how to spell his name. Oh, really? Let's hear it. F-O-X. Excellent! Excellent. I've got this covered. You can have the day off. I'm sure you must be late for something - volunteering at the Henry Street Settlement or rolling bandages for Bosnian refugees. I am. I'm having my eggs harvested. And getting those eggs harvested. Don't worry about a thing! See you later! 'Bye, Maureen. 'Bye, Gillian. 'Bye, Mom. All right, you guys, are you ready to go out on the boat? BOTH: No! What happened to you? What happened? SONG: # Tweedlee deedlee dee Tweedlee deedlee dee # Tweedlee deedlee dee Tweedlee deedlee dee # Tweedlee deedlee dee Tweedlee deedlee dee # Tweet tweet tweet-tweet # He rocks in the treetops all the day long # Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song # All the little birds on Jaybird Street # Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet # Rockin' robin # Tweet tweet tweet # Rockin' robin # Tweet tweedlee dee # Go, rockin' robin, 'cause we're really gonna rock tonight # Tweet tweedlee dee # Every little swallow Every chickadee... # Look, look, look, look! # Every little bird # In the tall tree # The wise old owl The big black crow # Flapping their wings singing, 'Go, birdie, go' # Rockin' robin # Tweet tweet tweet # Rockin' robin # Tweet tweedlee dee # Go, rockin' robin # 'Cause we're really gonna rock tonight # Tweet tweet tweedlee dee # Tweet tweedlee dee # Tweet tweedlee dee # Tweet tweet tweedlee dee # Tweet tweedlee dee # Toot toot toot toot Toot toot toot toot # Tweet tweet tweedlee dee The fish are very happy. Are they? Yes. You guys want to go to a movie? That would be great. Oh, look, a Storybook Lady! Oh, well, are we at the right time? Yeah. Yeah, let's go. 'And it was I, and I alone, 'who had the idea for the great and daring mouse plot. 'We all have our moments of brilliance and glory - 'and this was mine. ''Why don't we,' I said, ''slip it into one of Mrs Pratchett's jars of sweets? ''And then, when she puts her dirty hand in to grab a handful, ''she will grab a stinky dead mouse instead.' 'The other four stared at me in wonder. 'Then, as the sheer genius of the plot began to sink in, 'they all started grinning. 'They slapped me on the back, they cheered me. 'They danced around the classroom. ''We will do it on the way home!' ''You had the idea, so you can put the mouse in the jar.'' CHILDREN CHATTER EXCITEDLY MAN: Uh, who belongs to this fish? Oh, it's mine. Could you help me with these used books? And this is her best friend, Tasey, whose real name is Anastasia. In the next book, Betsy and Tasey become best friends with Tib, whose real name, I'm sorry to tell you, is Thelma. (Giggles) Yes, so, OK... The illustrations are hand-tipped. And that's why it costs so much? No, that's why it's worth so much. Oh. ANNABEL: I want all of them. I'll think about it. That's a lot for your dad to buy. Dad gets all the books I want. That's very nice of him. That's not my dad, that's my nephew. I don't think that he could be your nephew. No, no, no, it's true. Annabel is my...aunt. Isn't that right, Aunt Annabel? Uh-huh. And Matt is... Wait, wait, let me guess. Are you his uncle? No! His grandfather? (Children giggle) His great-grandfather? I'm his brother! Matt is my father's son. Annabel is my grandfather's daughter. We are... ..an American family. (Sneezes loudly) Oh. Oops. There you go, young lady. What's that? That's a handkerchief. Oh, my... Don't children even know what handkerchiefs are? A handkerchief is a Kleenex that you don't throw away. See? My mother embroidered this for me. My initials and a daisy because daisies are my favourite flower. May I ask who you are? Kathleen Kelly. I own this store. And you are...? Joe. Just call me Joe. We'll take these books. OK. You're gonna come back, aren't you? Oh...yeah...of course! See? We're not going to go under, because our customers are loyal. They're opening a Fox Books around the corner. Fox Books! My daddy... Likes to buy discount. Don't tell anybody. It's nothing to be proud of. 'F-O-X'. (Gasps) That's amazing! You can spell 'fox'? Can you spell 'dog'? 'F-O-X'. Look at this dinosaur book. It's a pop-up dinosaur book. Wouldn't you like a dinosaur book like that? Wouldn't you like to read that? Annabel, you read Matt the book until I take care of things. Whatever you do, just don't listen to anything I say. Thank you. We'll take that pop-up book as well. The world is not driven by discounts, believe me. I have been in business forever. I started helping my mother here when I was six. And I used to watch her. It wasn't that she was just selling books. She was helping people become whoever they would be. When a child reads a book, it becomes part of their identity and I... ..have gotten carried away. (Slowly) Yeah. Yeah, you have. You've made me feel... (Clicks tongue) Enchanting. Your mother was enchanting. Yes, she was! Er... How are you paying for this? Cash. How did you know that? Well...from the photograph. Oh! Is that you? What are you doing? Twirling. (Chuckles) My mother and I used to twirl. Anyway, I'm going to leave the store to my daughter. Uh...$73, please. How much? Uh...$73. Phew! (Clears throat) How old...uh... is your daughter now? I don't have a daughter. Oh! No, I'm not married. But, eventually, so... Yeah, big, bad Fox Books can just go to... (Mouths) # Never smile at a crocodile... # Ah. There you go. Thank you. Hey, are we ready? ANNABEL: Yeah. That's...uh...nice. 'Bye, Kathleen. Goodbye, Annabel. 'Bye, Matt. 'Bye. # He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin... # Oh, Matt. I have to ask you another thing. Can you spell 'cat'? 'F-O-X'. (Laughs nervously) 'F-O-X'! (Chuckles) Cat! Thanks. Lucky it wasn't the fish! Take care! SHOP BELL RINGS # Splish splash I was takin' a bath # Long about a Saturday night Yeah # A rub-a-dub Just relaxin' in the tub # Thinkin' everything was all right # Well, I stepped out the tub I put my feet on the floor # I wrapped the towel around me and I opened the door # And then I...splish splash! I jumped back in the bath # How was I to know there was a party going on? # They was a-splishin' and a-splashin' # Movin' and a-groovin' Rockin' and a-rollin' # Ye-ah! SAXOPHONE SOLO MUSIC CONTINUES No protests, no demonstrations. The neighbourhood loves us. They're wondering where we've been all these years, how they ever did without us. It's a hit! How's the children's department? Well, it's early yet. School's not out and there's that children's store nearby, Shop Around The Corner. Cecilia's store. Cecilia Kelly. We might've had a date once. Her daughter owns it now. Well, crush it! She was enchanting. # Reelin' with the feelin' Movin' and a-groovin' # Splishin' and a-splashin' Ye-ah! # They've been open six days and we did $1200 less than the same week last year. Well, that could be a fluke, right? Or not. Their store is new, it's a novelty and it will all shake out. Meanwhile, I am putting up more twinkle lights. That's a fine idea. What if we have to fold? I'm never going to find another part-time job and I'll get behind with rent and have to move...to Brooklyn! Ah, the joy of Rent Control. Six rooms - $450 a month. We know, you've told us a million times. I can't believe you're bringing this up at a time like this. It's like people who brag because they're tall. Guys, we are not gonna fold. Hey! I... This place is a tomb. I'm going to the nut shop where it's fun. SHOP BELL RINGS George? George? (Gasps) Aah! Miranda! Hi! Hi! Oh, Kathleen, are you surviving? Well... We're so excited about your new book. When should we schedule a signing? It's being published in January. Will you be in business in January? I'm so worried! We're doing great. (Emphatically) Aren't we? (Birdie calls enthusiastically) No difference whatsoever! (Limply) Great. Oh, thank God! You can count on me for anything - support, rallies, picket lines. We can get the 'Times' to write something. Or that nut from the 'Observer'. Wh-what nut in the 'Observer'? Frank something or other. The one who's so in love with his typewriter. This sort of thing would outrage him! BELL RINGS Oh, hmm. FRANK: A nut?! She...she called me a nut? That's not the point. She thinks my store's in trouble. Why would she say that? There's enough business for everyone. There is, no question. We are fine. More than fine, absolutely fine. (Knocks) We are fine. Yes. How are you? Fine. Fine. Vince will be so happy to see you. Congratulations. How are you? (All converse out of earshot) You should go to a retreat. You really should go to a retreat. Honey, would you get me another drink? It is a really great place to calm...down. (Continues to chatter and laugh) Ah, champagne, please. Right. Uh, Stoli on the rocks with a fresh glass, please. White wine, please. There you go. Thank you. Oh! Hello. Hi! (Laughs) Hi. Hi. Do you remember me from the bookstore? Of course I remember you, yes. Hi. Hey, how's your aunt? (Laughs) (Laughs) She's great. Sweet. I'd better go deliver this. I have a very thirsty date. She's part camel. Joe, right? Joe, isn't it? And you are Kathleen. (Quietly) Kathleen Kelly. Two white wines, please. I cannot believe that you are speaking to Joe Fox. Joe FOX? Joe Fox. As in... As in he's gonna take over everything. Fox? Your last name is Fox? F-O-X. God! I didn't... I didn't realise... I didn't...I didn't know... Who you were with? (Gruffly) I didn't know who you were with. Excuse me? It's from 'The Godfather'. (Chuckles) Sorry, it's from 'The Godfather'. It's when the, uh... ..when the movie producer realises that Tom Hagen is an emissary of Vito Corleone. It's just before the horse's head ends up in the bed. He wakes up and he's, 'Aargh... aargh....aaargh...aaargh!' (Quietly) Aah. Never mind. You were spying on me, weren't you? You probably rented those children. Why would I spy on you? Because I'm your competition, which you know, or you wouldn't have put up that sign, 'Just around the corner'. The entrance to our store is around the corner. There's no other way of saying that. It's not the name, it's where it is. And you do not own the phrase 'around the corner'. What is that? What are you doing? What is that? What are you doing? You're taking all the caviar. That caviar is a garnish. Look, the reason I came into your store is because I was buying presents for Annabel and Matt. I'm a guy who buys his way into the hearts of children who are his relatives. There was only one place to find a children's book locally - that will not always be so - and it was yours. It's a charming little bookstore. You probably sell...what, $350,000 worth of books a year? How did you know that? I'm in the book business. I am in the book business. I see. And we are the Price Club. Only, instead of a 10-gallon vat of olive oil for $3.99, that won't fit in your cabinet, we sell cheap books. Me, a spy? Oh, absolutely. I have in my possession the super-duper secret printout of the sales figures of a bookstore so inconsequential yet full of its own virtue that I was compelled to rush there for fear that it'll put me out of business. (Squeaks) Uh. What? What? Hey. How ya doing? Frank Navasky. Joe Fox. (Whimpers) Uh. Joe Fox? F-O-X. The inventor of the superstore, of course. The enemy of the mid-list novel. The destroyer of City Books. How do you sleep at night? I use a wonderful over-the-counter drug. UltraDorm. Don't take the whole thing, just half, and you'll wake up without even the tiniest hangover. You're Frank Navasky? Yes. Your last piece in the 'Observer' about Anthony Paul was...was brilliant. Really? Brilliant, yes. I'm Patricia Eden. Hi. Hi. Eden Books. Joe, this man is the greatest living expert on Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Y-you really liked my... This is Kathleen Kelly. Hi. ..my piece? I'm sorry, I just... You know, I-I'm flattered. You write these things and you think someone'll mention them and the phone doesn't ring. And you think, 'I'm a fraud.' You know what always fascinated me about Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, is how old they looked, when they were really just...our age. (Giggles) You know? Oh, wow, I'm so happy to have finally met you. We will talk. Have you ever thought about doing a book? Yes, something relevant for today, like the Luddite movement in nineteenth century England. We should talk. Call me. Have you ever had caviar garnish? I had no idea Frank Navasky was going to be so down to earth. You read his stuff, you think he's going to be so obscure and abstruse. He's always talking about Heidegger and Foucault and... I have no idea what any of it's about, really! (Giggles, then sighs) (Groans) I'm not tired. I'm not. (Snores) TYPING ON COMPUTER JOE: 'Do you ever feel 'you've become the worst version of yourself? 'That a Pandora's Box of all the secret, hateful parts - 'your arrogance, your spite, your condescension - 'has sprung open? 'Someone provokes you, 'and, instead of just smiling and moving on, 'you zing them. ''Hello, it's Mr Nasty.' 'I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about.' KATHLEEN: 'No, I know what you mean, 'and I'm completely jealous. 'What happens to me when I'm provoked 'is that I get tongue-tied. 'My mind goes...' Blank. Then... 'Then I spend all night 'trying to figure out what I should've said. 'What should I have said, for example, to the... '..bottom-dweller... '..who recently belittled my existence.' Nothing. Nothing. Even now... 'Even now... '..days later... '..I can't figure it out.' 'Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass my zingers to you 'and then I would never behave badly 'and you could behave badly and we'd both be happy? 'But I must warn you 'that when you have the pleasure of saying what you mean, 'remorse inevitably follows. 'Do you think we should meet?' Meet? Oh, my God! JAUNTY TRUMPET INTRO SONG: # I'll take the legs from some old table # I'll take the arm from some old chair # I'll take the neck from some old bottle # And from a horse, I'll take the hair # I'll take the hands and face from off the clock # And baby, when I'm through # I'll get more lovin' from the dum-dum-dummy # Than I ever got from you! # VIBRANT BRASS MUSIC $72.27. This is a cash only line. What? (Emphatically) Cash only. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh... I just have a credit card. I'm sorry. Is that OK? No, it's not OK. There's a sign. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I never do this, but I'm asking you to make an exception... You have no cash? She has no cash. She has no cash. Get on another line, lady. That's all I have - one dollar. Is there anything you can do... Hello. Hello. Hi. Do you need some money? No, I do not. Thank you very much. Get in another line. Hi. Rose. That is a great name. Rose. This is Kathleen. I'm Joe. (Impatiently) And I'm Henry. Henry, how are you? Happy holidays. This is a credit card machine. Happy Thanksgiving. It's your turn to say 'Happy Thanksgiving' back. (Dryly) Happy Thanksgiving back. Knock, knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to give us a break by zipping this credit card through the credit card machine? Come on, you can do it. Zip, zip! There you go. Rose. Ah, that is a great name. So, you're fine? Fine. Happy Thanksgiving. Henry, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm so sorry, really. I apologise from the bottom of my heart. So sign, already! I'd like to get home... You have my pen. (Plays piano intro) (Sings) # The sun will come out tomorrow # Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...there'll be sun (Loses rhythm) # Just thinking about tomorrow # Clear away the cobwebs and the sorrow # Till there's none # When I'm stuck with a day # That's grey and lonely # I just stick out my chin and grin and say # Oh, the sun will come out tomorrow # So you've gotta hang on till tomorrow (Off-key) # Come what may # Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you, tomorrow # You're always a day... (Shrilly) # ..AW-AY! # APPLAUSE MAN: Wonderful! Grand! Thank you. # The violins sing with jo-oy-ful ri-i-ing # The violins sing with jo-oy-ful ring # The clarinet, the clarinet goes doodly doodly doodly doodly det # The clarinet, the clarinet goes doodly doodly doodly det (Sings off-key) # The horn, the horn # It sounds so... The horn sounds so forlorn (All sing) # The horn, it sounds so forlorn... # I got it. # The violins sing with jo-oy-ful ri-i-ing # The violins sing with jo-oy-ful ring! # HANDBELL RINGS (All cheer and clap) CHURCH BELL RINGS (Harry Nilsson sings) # Remember # Is a place from long ago... # Hi, Kathleen. # Remember # Filled with everything you know # Remember # When you're sad and feeling down... # KATHLEEN: ''It's coming on Christmas, ''They're cutting down trees.' 'Do you know that Joni Mitchell song? ''I wish I had a river I could skate away on.' 'Such a sad song. 'And not really about Christmas at all, 'but I was thinking about it tonight 'as I was decorating my Christmas tree, 'unwrapping funky ornaments made of popsicle sticks 'and missing my mother so much I almost couldn't breathe. 'I always miss my mother at Christmas. 'but somehow it is worse this year since I need some advice from her. 'And I need her to make me some cocoa 'and tell me that everything that's going badly in my life 'will sort itself out.' JOE: 'What kind of advice do you need? Can I help?' Can you help? (Sighs deeply) 'I wish you could help. 'I wish...' COMPUTER ALERT RINGS (Gasps) 'I had a gut feeling you would be online now.' Hi. 'I can give you advice. I'm great at advice.' Uh-oh. 'If only you could help.' Ooh. 'Is it about love?' Please say 'no'. 'No.' How cute is that? 'My business is in trouble.' Ah! Well. 'I'm a brilliant businessman! 'It's what I do best! 'What's your business?' No. Uh-huh. 'No specifics. Remember?' OK. Hmm. Well. 'Minus specifics it's hard to help, 'except to say, 'Go to the mattresses'.' 'Except to say, 'Go to the mattr...'.' What? 'What does that mean?' It's from 'The Godfather'. It means you have to go to war. Mm-hm. Oh. 'What is it with men and 'The Godfather'?' Hello! (Laughs) Oh, come on. Hello! Well. (Impersonates Marlon Brando) Well, I mean, what can I...? (Continues impersonating) Michael, come here. ''The Godfather' is the I Ching. ''The Godfather' is the sum of all wisdom. ''The Godfather' is the answer to any question. 'What should I pack for my summer vacation? ''Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.'' 'What day of the week is it? (New York Italian accent) 'Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday'. 'The answer to your question is 'Go to the mattresses.' 'You're at war. It's not personal. It's business. 'It's not personal. It's business. 'Recite that to yourself every time you feel you're losing your nerve. 'I know you worry about being brave.' Don't. 'This is your chance. 'Fight. 'Fight to the death.' (Whispers) It's not personal. It's business. Just fight! Fight, fight, fight! DOOR CLOSES Hey. Hey. (Sighs deeply) I've been thinking. Frank. What? I've decided to go to the mattresses. Do you think it would be a gigantic conflict of interest if you wrote something about the store? Yes. Yes? No. So you'll do it? Yes. Yes. Do you know what it is to 'go to the mattresses'? It's from 'The Godfather'. LIVELY ITALIAN FOLK MUSIC Good morning. Shop Around The Corner. George speaking. May I help you? Kathleen. Channel Two truck just pulled up. Oh, in a second. Everyone's read the article. BIRDIE: 'And so we do not have to look 'to any of the usual places where good and evil face off - 'the places Herodotus called The Happy Land of Absolutes. 'We have the perfect example here on the west side, 'where the cold cash cow...' Cold cash cow. '..of Fox Books 'threatens survival of a temple 'to one of the 20th century's most profound truths - 'you are what you read...' You are what you read. I believe that. 'Save the Shop Around The Corner and you will save your soul.' Frank, that's...charming. You think it's a little over-the-top? GEORGE: That was 'The Village Voice'. I told them to come over whenever. Oh, man. Yeah, all right. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. (Children chant) One, two, three, four! We don't want your superstore! Five, six, seven, eight! Go away and close the gate! One, two, three, four! 'We don't want this superstore.' Is that what they're saying? Catchy. Yeah. Well, who wrote that? It's annoying. Pissing me off, actually. Do you want the west side to become one big, gigantic strip mall? ALL: No! Do you want to get off the subway at 72nd and Broadway and not know you're in New York City? No! Can we save The Shop Around The Corner? Yes! APPLAUSE, CHEERING We're here in front of The Shop Around The Corner - the famous west side children's bookstore - now on the verge of having to close its doors because the big, bad wolf, Fox Books, has opened only a few hundred feet away, wooing customers with its sharp discounts and designer coffee. Well, they have to have discounts and lattes because most people who work there have never read a book. She's not as nice as she seems on television. You've met her? Yeah. Boy, she's a pill. Probably not as fine as she looks on TV either. Oh, no, no. She's beautiful. But...she's a pill. You don't feel bad about basically sending her ass back to the projects with food stamps a... No. ..broke, single, white lady? It's not personal. It's business. Yeah. Hey, here's a good looking guy! I sell cheap books. I do. So sue me. And that, in a nutshell, is... Hey! ..Fox's philosophy. That's what you said? Well...that's not all I said! I can't believe those bastards. I said we were great. I said you could read for hours and no one bothers you. We have 150,000 titles. I showed them the New York section. I said we were a goddamn piazza! A place in the city where people could mingle! A piazza? I was eloquent! Shit! Piazza! Well, it's inevitable, I guess. People want to turn her into Joan of Arc. And you into Attila the Hun. Not me personally. But the company, yeah. REPORTER: ..makes no apologies. I have met Joe Fox. And I've heard him compare his store to a price club, and the books in it to cans of olive oil. COMICAL MUSIC Oh! Arggh! Ow! The bookstore - tell us about it. The Shop Around The Corner has a kind of Jeffersonian purity to it that the city needs in order to maintain a historical integrity. 'Jeffersonian purity'... That was nice. Thank you. Are you taping this? Yeah, I'm taping this. Technologically speaking, the world's out of hand, Sidney. I mean, take the VCR. The whole idea behind the VCR is that it makes it possible for you to tape what's on television when you leave the house. Of course, the whole idea behind leaving the house is so you can miss what's on television. Yeah, I've heard you say that before. She hasn't. (Sidney laughs) Absolutely right! She gets it! She gets it! Radio. There's a medium I can get behind. Are you going to collect radios? Shh, shh, shh. We're on television. You're good at it. No, no, no. Oh, yes. Frank. What? I... She's making... She's coming onto you. No, not at all. They do this on television. The Shop Around The Corner is a true New York treasure. As are you. (Laughs) Honestly, I'd love to have you back. Is she sweating? No. She's touching herself. Yeah. And she's sweating. Well, I... Anytime. OK, we can turn it off. No. Oh, my God. Because I want to say that yours is the only show I do watch. Oh, my God. No, no, no. I was being polite. Thank you, Frank. No, thank your... 'Thank your'! I'm sorry. 'Thank your'! 'Thank your'? Thank your, ladies and gentlemen. Next week on... I slobbered all over her. Yeah. But I think that there's... there's something, uh...there. GEORGE: So, first I've got to go get some eucalyptus candles because it makes my apartment smell mossy. Then I'm going to the market. And I can't decide whether to get sausage for the meat sauce, or chopped meat. Spare us. And you know what? Clam sauce. Yeah, because this is a big day. DOOR CLOSES Oh. Don't tell me. Not the slightest difference? How can that be? All this publicity and not one bit of difference? Oh, Birdie, what am I going to do? What would Mom have done? Well, let's ask her. Cecilia, what should we do? Birdie. Shh, shh. She has no idea. But she thinks the window display is lovely. Goodnight, dearie. Goodnight. WISTFUL, MELANCHOLY MUSIC KATHLEEN: 'I need help. 'Do you still want to meet me?' 'I would love to meet you. Where? When?' So I suppose she's carrying a copy of a book with a flower in it? Not really? Oh, she could be a real dog, man. I'm only staying 10 minutes. I'll say hello. I'll have a cup of coffee, then I'll split. I hope she doesn't have a high, squeaky voice like the mice in 'Cinderella'. Why am I doing this? Why am I compelled to meet her? Why? Joe, relax. You're just taking it to the next level. I always do that. I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that. Till I finally reach that level where it becomes absolutely necessary... ..for me to leave. Oh. And I'm not staying long anyway. Did I already say that? Yes, you did. Well, OK. Cafe Lalo. This is it. Eight o'clock. Boy, we got here fast, didn't we? Yep. Kevin. This woman is the most adorable creature I've ever been in contact with. If she turns out to be as good-looking as a mailbox, I'd be crazy not to turn my life upside down and marry her. She could be a real dog. But good luck. Would you go and look for me? Me? Just go look through the window and check her out. Please. All right. You're pathetic, man. (Pretends to sob) I know. All right. Let's see what I see. You see her? No. Oh, wait. Yeah. I see a very beautiful girl. Oh, she's fine. She's fine. Whoo! I knew it. She's gorgeous. I knew she would be. I knew it. But no book. All right. OK, wait. Wait, wait a minute. There's a book with a flower, so that's got to be her. And what does she look like?! Can't see her. Waiter's blocking. Damn it! Hold on. He's moving. He's moving. Yeah? Ah... Can you see her? Can you see her?! Yeah. And? She's very pretty. She is! I knew she would be! She had to be!! (Hoarsely) She had to be! (Gasps) You know what? She look... I mean, she almost has the same colouring as... ..that Kathleen Kelly person. Kathleen Kelly of the little bookstore? You said you thought she was attractive. Absolutely. Why not? Who cares about Kathleen Kelly? Well, if you don't like Kathleen Kelly... ..I can tell you right now... ..you ain't going to like this girl. Why not? Because it is Kathleen Kelly. So, what are you going to do? Nothing. Are you just going to let her wait there all night? Yes, I am. That's exactly what I'm going to do. Goodnight, Kevin. I'll see you in the morning. WISTFUL, MELANCHOLY MUSIC Do you mind if I borrow this chair? Yes, yes, I mind. Sorry. I'm expecting someone. Would you like another tea? Yes, thank you. Oh, excuse me. Thanks. DOOR OPENS Kathleen Kelly. Hello. This is a coincidence. Would you mind if I sat down? Yes! Yes, I would, actually. I'm expecting someone. Thanks. 'Pride and Prejudice'. Do you mind? I bet you read that book every year. I bet you love that Mr Darcy, and your sentimental heart beats wildly at the thought that he and, um... well, whatever her name is - are truly, honestly going to end up together. Can I get you something? No, no, he's not staying. Mochaccino, decaf, non-fat. No, no, you are not staying. I'll just stay here until your friend gets here. Gee, is he late? The heroine of 'Pride and Prejudice' is Elizabeth Bennet. She's one of the greatest and most complex characters ever written, not that you would know. Actually, I've read it. Well, good for you. You'd discover a lot of things if you really knew me. If I really knew you, I'd find instead of a brain, a cash register, instead of a heart, a bottom line. What? I just had a breakthrough. What is it? You're to thank for it. For the first time in my life, when confronted with a horrible, insensitive person, I knew exactly what to say and I said it. Well, you have a gift for it. That was a perfect blend of poetry and meanness. Meanness? I'll tell you about meanness... Don't misunderstand me. I'm trying to pay you a compliment. Why are you touching that? What is this? What are you doing? Is this a red rose? No, it's crimson. Something you read about in a book? It's funny to you, isn't it? Everything's a joke to you. DOOR OPENS (Quietly) Please leave. Please, please leave, I beg you. Thank you. You know what that hanky reminds me of? Uh-huh. First day I met you. First day you lied to me. I didn't lie to you. You did too. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. I did not. You did too. I did not! Yeah, you did. I thought all that Fox stuff was so charming. 'F-O-X'. Well, I didn't lie about it. 'Joe. Just call me Joe.' Sure. Like you're one of those stupid 22-year-old girls with no last name - 'Hi, I'm Kimberley', 'Hi, I'm Janice.' Don't they know you should have a last name? Are they a generation of cocktail waitresses? Look. I am not a 22-year-old cocktail waitress. That's not what I meant. When I talked about price clubs and olive oil, that's not what I meant. Oh, you poor, sad multi-millionaire. I feel so sorry for you. DOOR OPENS MAN: C'est moi. I'll take a wild guess that's not him either. So who is he? I wonder. Certainly not, I gather, the world's greatest living expert on Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, but somebody else entirely different. And will you be mean to him too? No, I will not. Because the man who is coming here tonight is completely unlike you. The man who is coming here is kind and funny - he's got the most wonderful sense of humour. But... ..he's not here. Well, if he's not here, he has a reason, because there's not a cruel or careless bone in his body. I wouldn't expect you to understand anybody like that. You with your game park, multi-level, homogenise the world, mochaccino land. You've deluded yourself into thinking that you're some sort of benefactor, bringing books to the masses. But no one will ever remember you, Joe Fox. Maybe no one will remember me, either. But plenty of people remember my mother. And they think she was fine. And they think her store was something special. YOU are nothing but a suit. That's my cue. Well, goodnight. (Roy Orbison sings) # Dream # When you're feeling blue # Dream # That's the thing to do # Just watch the smoke rings rise in the air # You'll find your share... # COMPUTER: Welcome. # Of memories there # So dream # When the day is through # Dream # And they might come true... # So, then the agent asked for $600,000. And I said to her, 'If you think I'm even going to talk to you 'about paying that kind of advance...' # Dream # Dream, dream. # '..you are completely crazy.' She was insulting and provocative, and the only thing pleasant about her was the way her hair fell across her forehead. Look at this. But underneath that disagreeable exterior, she may turn out to be... A real bitch. Let's not talk about it. I'm going back to the office, and I'm sure you have work to do. Not really. This place is a well-oiled machine, my friend. So, what happened? He never came. He stood you up. I wouldn't exactly characterise it in that way. I think something happened. Something terrible and unexpected that made it impossible for him... What if he showed up, took one look at me and left? Not possible. Maybe there was a subway accident. Absolutely. A train got trapped underground with him inside. And no phone. You know how express trains... Morning. ..create suction. He got sucked onto the tracks! The third rail. He's toast! What happened? He was unable to make it. He stood you up? Maybe he had a car accident. Those cab drivers are maniacs. Yeah, they hit something and you slam into that plastic partition. Or his elbows could be in splints, so he couldn't really dial. Or he could be unconscious. (Gasps) (Quietly) In a coma. Or stuck in intensive care. Wait... With that heart monitor beeping. And, like, no phone. No phone. R... What? What are you saying? It could be. He was arrested two blocks from the cafe. Is there a picture? So that explains it. He was in jail. And there was a phone. But he only got one call, so he called his lawyer. You are so lucky. You could be dead. He couldn't possibly be the rooftop killer! Remember when you thought Frank might be the Unabomber? Well... ..that was different. How long did you sit there all alone? Not long. Till Fox came in. Joe Fox? I don't want to talk about it. Let's get to work. There must be something to do. There's always something to do. Hey. He looks kind of cute... DOOR OPENS So? He was, uh, unavoidably detained. He stood you up? 'I've been thinking about you.' SLOW, WISTFUL MUSIC 'Last night, I went to meet you and you weren't there. 'I wish I knew why. I felt so foolish. 'And as I waited, someone else showed up - 'a man who has made my professional life a misery. 'And an amazing thing happened. 'I was able, for the first time in my life 'to say the exact thing I wanted to say 'at the exact moment I wanted to say it. 'And, of course, afterwards, I felt terrible, 'just as you said I would. 'I was cruel. And I'm never cruel. 'And even though I can hardly believe 'what I said mattered to this man - 'to him, I am just a bug to be crushed - 'but what if it did? 'No matter what he's done to me, 'there is no excuse for my behaviour. 'Anyway, I so wanted to talk to you. 'I hope you have a good reason for not being there last night. 'You don't seem like the kind of person 'that would do something like that. 'The odd thing about this form of communication 'is you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. 'But I just want to say 'that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many... '..somethings. 'So, thanks.' SOFT, WISTFUL MUSIC COMPUTER: Goodbye. PLAYFUL, TENSE MUSIC PLAYFUL, DRAMATIC MUSIC 'I am in... '..Vancouver.' SASSY, PLAYFUL MUSIC 'I was stuck in a meeting, which I couldn't get out of. 'And... '..the electricity went out in the building. 'And... '..we were trapped on the...38th floor. 'And...the telephone system blew too. 'Amazingly enough.' PLAYFUL, TENSE MUSIC (Taps key repeatedly) (Continues tapping) (Continues tapping) 'Dear friend, 'I cannot tell you what happened last night. 'But I beg you from the bottom of my heart 'to forgive me for not being there.' SOFT, MELANCHOLY MUSIC 'For what happened. 'I feel terrible 'that you found yourself in a situation 'that caused you additional pain. 'But I'm absolutely sure 'that whatever you said last night was provoked, even deserved. 'And everyone says things they regret 'when they're worried or stressed. 'You were expecting to see someone you trusted 'and met the enemy instead. 'The fault is mine. 'Someday I'll explain everything. 'Meanwhile, I'm still here. 'Talk to me.' Did he say anything about wanting to meet you again? No, no, not really. Listen. It doesn't matter. We'll just be like George Bernard Shaw and Mrs Patrick Campbell. We'll write letters our whole lives. Thank you for the scones. They look lovely. Birdie, where was this one taken? Seville. When you fell madly in love? Yes. So, dearie, what have you decided to do? Close. We're going to close. Close. Closing the store is the brave thing to do. Oh, you are such a liar. But thank you. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big, fat failure now. But you're not. You are marching into the unknown, armed with...nothing. Have a sandwich. Well, not nothing. I have a little...money saved. If you need more, ask me. I'm very rich. I bought Intel at six. Now, I suppose you want me to tell you who it was I fell madly in love with. But I'm not going to tell. Who was it, Birdie? Come on, tell. Oh, that's so mean. But so romantic. It wasn't meant to be. Why not? He ran Spain. Spain? The country. He ran it. It was his job. And then he died. Just as well. Milk or lemon? FLOURISH OF CASTANETS She fell in love with Generalisimo Franco. Don't say that. Really. We don't know that for sure. Who else could it have been? It was probably around 1960. Do you want some popcorn? I can't believe this. I mean, it's not like he was something normal, like a socialist or an anarchist... It happened in Spain. People do really stupid things in foreign countries. They buy leather jackets for much more than they're worth, but they don't fall in love with fascist dictators. (Whispers) Birdie is a very special person to me. She is practically my surrogate mother. (Whispers) She's out of her mind. She is not. I could never be with anybody who doesn't take politics as seriously as I do. Do you mind? A hot dog is singing. You need quiet while a hot dog sings? (Whispers) I have something to tell you, Frank. I didn't vote. (Whispers) What? In the last mayoral election, when Rudy Giuliani was running against Ruth Messinger, I went to get a manicure and forgot to vote. Since when do you get manicures? I suppose you could never be with anybody who got manicures. Never mind. It's OK. I forgive you. YOU forgive ME? (Whispers) Excuse me. Look, this has been a big week. You're closing the store. No, it's not that, Frank. Really, it's not. I-i-it's just... I know. I know. I know. That was terrible of me. What? What was terrible? Jumping all over you, when I'm the one... God, I-I don't even know how to say this. What is it? What? You're a wonderful person, Kathleen. So are you. And I'm so honoured that you would want to be with me, because you would never be with anyone who wasn't truly worthy. I feel exactly the same... Oh, God, no, don't... don't...don't say that. That...that makes it worse. What? You don't love me. (Laughs) Me either. You...you don't love me? No. But we're so right for each other. I know. I know. Oh! Is there some... is there someone else? Oh, that woman on television, Sidney Anne. Ah, I mean, nothing has happened or anything, but... Oh, Frank. Is she a Republican? I can't help myself. What about you? Is...is there someone else? No. No, but... ..but there is the dream of someone else. SOFT, WISTFUL MUSIC Honey, grab a copy of 'The Puppet and the Swine'. Oh, this is a tragedy. Oh. Well. MAN: These chairs for sale? GEORGE: Anything not nailed down. WOMAN: $10, it's yours. What will you do now? I don't know. I think I'll take some time. I'm almost looking forward to it. Well, good luck to you. I came here every Saturday when I was a little girl. I remember when your mother gave me 'Anne of Green Gables'. (Sobs) 'Read it with a box of Kleenex', she said. Could someone help me? WOMAN: She's looking down on you right now. I'm sure she is. Why don't we bomb Fox Books? (Harry Nilsson sings) # Love is only a dream # Remember # Remember # Life is never as it seems # Dream # Alone # Far away # Life was clear # Close your eyes. # WISTFUL, CURIOUS MUSIC (Sighs) WOMAN: Do you have the 'Shoe' books? The 'Shoe' books? Who's the author? I don't know. My friend told me my daughter has to read the 'Shoe' books, so here I am. (Shakily) Noel Streatfeild. Noel Streatfeild wrote 'Ballet Shoes' and 'Skating Shoes' and 'Theatre Shoes' and 'Dancing Shoes' and... I'd start with 'Ballet Shoes' first. It's my favourite. (Shakily) Although 'Skating Shoes' is completely wonderful. (Sobs) But it's out of print. Streatfeild. How do you spell that? (Sobs) S-T-R-E-A-T-F-E-I-L-D. Thank you. PATRICIA: Kathleen Kelly. I swear it's like her name was in the air. Just like that? Everyone was talking about her today - Kathleen Kelly and her situation. And I was thinking that she'd make a great children's book editor. What makes you think that? Well, she knows everything, she has flawless taste - she's famous for it - and the salesmen swear by her. If she likes the book, it sells. Period. So, you're going to offer her a job? Well, what else has she got to do? Oh, now that she's destitute? Thanks to you. I don't see her working for you. Why not? Because she lacks the killer instinct. She's never fired anybody. Look at that little shop of hers. Those people have been there forever. Until recently, when they all lost their jobs. Thanks to you. Hold the elevator! Miss Eden. Mr Fox. Hello, Charlie. I love how you've totally forgotten that you've had any role in her current situation. It's so obtuse. It's so insensitive. It reminds me of someone. Who? Who is it you remind me of? Me! CLUNK! What is going on? Could be stuck. (Gasps) (Groans) Charlie, what are you doing? I hope this thing doesn't plummet to the basement. (Shakily) Can it do that? No. It cannot plummet to the basement. Hi, this is Joe Fox. Who's this? Juan? Juan, we're stuck in the elevator between the sixth and seventh floor. There's four of us. And if you don't get your ass up here in two shakes and get us the hell out of here... Hi, Juan. Yeah. Listen, call the super, and then 911. (Slowly) 9-1-1. The fire department. That's right. Yeah, thank you very much. Everyone should jump in the air. What? We jump, the elevator thinks no one is here and it opens. (Slowly) One, two, three, jump. If I ever get out of here, I'm going to start speaking to my momma. I wonder what she's doing right this very minute. If I ever get out of here... ..I'm marrying Irene. I love her. I should marry her. I don't know what's been stopping me. If I ever get out of here, I'm having my eyes lasered. Well, if I ever get out of here... Where are my Tic Tacs?! (Groans aggressively) What? SLOW, DREAMY JAZZ MUSIC 'I came home tonight and got into the elevator to go to my apartment. 'An hour later, I got out of the elevator 'and Brinkley and I moved out. 'Suddenly everything had become clear. 'It's a long story, 'full of the personal details we avoid so carefully. 'Let me just say, there was a man sitting in the elevator with me 'who knew exactly what he wanted. 'And I found myself wishing I were as lucky as he.' 'People are always telling you that change is a good thing. 'But all they're really saying 'is that something you didn't want to happen at all has happened. 'My store is closing this week. 'I own a store. Did I ever tell you that? 'It's a lovely store. 'And in a week, it will be something really depressing 'like a Baby Gap.' WISTFUL, MELANCHOLY MUSIC 'Soon we'll just be a memory. 'In fact, someone, some foolish person, 'will probably think it's a tribute to this city - 'how it keeps changing on you 'or how you can never count on it, or something. 'I know, because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. 'But the truth is... '..I'm heartbroken. 'I feel as if a part of me has died. 'And my mother has died all over again. 'And no one can ever make it right.' WISTFUL, MELANCHOLY MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS SWEEPING, MAGICAL MUSIC (Young Kathleen laughs) MUSIC FADES SOFT, MAGICAL MUSIC MUSIC FADES SLOWLY BELL RINGS SOFTLY SMOOTH, SULTRY MUSIC (Randy Newman sings) # I've been around the world # Had my pick of any girl # You'd think I'd be happy But I'm not... # What happened? # Everybody... # Oh. Yeah. # Knows my name... # How are you? You know, Dad, you did pretty well. At least you didn't marry her. Welcome aboard. (Laughs) # It's lonely at the top... # That lasted a while. Huh? # Listen to the band They're playing just for me... # SMOOTH, MELANCHOLY CLARINET SOLO SMOOTH, SULTRY MUSIC You know... ..I've stayed on this boat after... Let's see. Your mother. Laurette, the ballet dancer. My nanny. She was the nanny? Yeah. I forgot that. How ironic. And then there was, um, the ice skater. Also my nanny. Really? Yeah. Well, that's... that's amazingly ironic. And then there was Sybil, the, um... Oh, it's an 'A' word. Astrologer. Exactly. Yeah. Whose moon turned out to be in someone else's house, as I recall. Just like Gillian. Gillian ran off with someone? The nanny. Nanny Maureen? Yes. Well, Gillian ran off with Nanny Maureen. Hmm. You got it. That's incredibly ironic. That's true. No other word for it. Well, who's better than us? Father and son, together at last. Who did you say you broke up with? Patricia. You met her. Would I like her? Just kidding, son. Now, is this beautiful, or what? Of course, I'll be living out of a suitcase for at least three weeks. And then there's the inevitable legal hassle. More of your inheritance down the drain, but... Don't you worry about it. I won't. I'll just have to meet someone new, that's all. That's the easy part. Oh, yeah, a snap. To find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy. Well, don't be ridiculous. Have I ever been with anybody who fit that description? Have you? VIBRANT, FUNKY MUSIC (Stevie Wonder sings) # Hey! Oh, yeah, baby! # Like a fool I went and stayed too long # I'm wondering if your love's still strong # Ooh, baby Here I am # Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours. # Who is it? It's Joe Fox. What are you doing here? Er, may I please come up? No, I don't... No, I don't really think that is a good idea, because...I have a... ..I have a terrible co... ..cold. AH-CHOO! (Sniffles) Can you hear that? Yeah. Listen, I'm sniffling, I'm not really awake, and I'm taking echinacea and vitamin C and sleeping practically 24 hours a day. I have a temperature. And, er, I think I'm contagious so I would really appreciate it if you would just go away. KNOCK AT DOOR Oh! Kathleen? Er, er... KNOCK AT DOOR Ah... Just a second! Yes, er, just a second. Hello. Hello. What are you doing here? I heard you were sick. And I was worried. And I wanted...to make sure... What? Is there somebody here? No. Oh, Home Shopping Network. Oh, you buy any of those little porcelain dolls? I was thinking about it. Hey, you put me out of business. Er, yes, I did. Did you come to gloat? No. To offer me a job? I'd never... I have plans, plenty of offers. I got offered a job by... My former... Yeah, actually... Oh, your former...? We broke up. Too bad. You were so perfect for each other. Oh! I don't mean to say things like that. No matter what you've done, I shouldn't say that. Every time I see you... It flies out of your mouth. Yes! I brought you flowers. Oh! Thank you. Why don't I just put these in some water? Hey, you're sick. You should sit down. I need a vase, a vase. Above the refrigerator. Ah! Here it is. Hey, George says hello, by the way. He's the one who told me you're sick. How's George? Great. Really great. He's revolutionising the place. You can't work in his department unless you have a PhD in children's literature. I love daisies. You told me. They're so friendly. Don't you think that daisies are the friendliest flower? I do. When did you break up? A couple of weeks ago. Everyone is breaking up. You, me. Someone I know broke up with someone in an elevator. KETTLE WHISTLES Or just after it, or just outside it... They got stuck... When I saw you at the coffee place, I was waiting for him. And I was... Charming. I was not charming. Well, you looked charming. Tea? Yes. I was upset and horrible. Honey? Yes. I was the horrible one. Well, that's true but I had no excuse. Oh, I see what you're saying. That's interesting. Whereas I am a horrible person, therefore I had no choice but to be horrible. That's what you're saying. But that's all right, that's all right. I put you out of business, so... ..you're entitled to hate me. I don't hate you. But you'll never forgive me. Just like Elizabeth. Who? Elizabeth Bennet in 'Pride and Prejudice'. She was too proud. I thought you hated 'Pride and Prejudice'. Or was she too prejudiced and Mr Darcy is too proud? Well, I can't remember. It wasn't personal. What is that supposed to mean? I'm so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to YOU. But it was personal to me. It's personal to a lot of people. And what is wrong with being personal anyway? Er, nothing. Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal. My head is starting to get fuzzy. Er, why did you stop by again? I forget. I wanted to be your friend. Oh. I knew it wasn't possible. What can I say? Sometimes a guy just wants the impossible. Can I ask you a question? (Coughs) What? What happened with that guy at the cafe? Nothing. But you're crazy about him. Yes, I am. Why don't you run off with him? What are you waiting for? I don't actually know him. Really? I only know him through the, er... You're not gonna believe this. Let me guess. Through the Internet? Yes. Hmm. 'You've got mail.' Yes! Those are very powerful words. Yes. Well. Well, I'm happy for him. Although... Could I just make a little suggestion? What? I think you should meet him. No, no. Wait, I take that back. Why would you want to meet somebody you're crazy about? I hardly think I need to take advice from a person who... Now, I can see I bring out the worst in you. Let me just help you to NOT say something you're just going to torture yourself about for years to come. GENTLE, MAGICAL MUSIC I hope you feel better soon. It'd be a shame to miss New York in the spring. Thank you for the daisies. Well, you take care. I will. Goodbye. Goodbye. (Harry Nilsson sings) # I'll say goodbye to all the sorrow # And by tomorrow I'll be on my way # I guess the Lord must be in New York City... # KATHLEEN: 'I've been thinking about this 'and I think we should meet.' # I'm so tired of getting nowhere, seeing my prayers... # 'We should meet. 'And we will meet. 'But I'm in the middle of a project that needs...' # I guess the Lord must be in New York City... # '..tweaking.' # Well, here I am, Lord Knocking at your back door # Ain't it wonderful to be where I've always wanted to be? # For the first time I'll be free here in New York City. # Some tweaking? Tweaking. A project that needed tweaking. That's what he said. T-W-E-A-K-I-N-G. I-N-G. Tweaking, OK. That's what he said. It sounds to me like he is married. Married, three kids. That is a terrible thing to say. He couldn't be. How do you know? Have you said, 'Are you married?' Have you written to him? No, no. I'm not gonna...no. 'I know this is probably a little late to be asking, 'but are you married?' 'Am I married? 'What kind of question is that? 'How can you ask me that? Don't you know me at all? 'Oh, wait. I get it. 'Your friends are telling you 'the reason we haven't met is that I'm married. 'Am I right?' So he didn't answer the question? Yes, he did. So he didn't answer the question? Yes, he did. He did not. He did too. He knew exactly what I was after, which is just exactly like him. He did not answer the question, did he? No. Maybe he's fat. He's fat. He's a fatty. I don't care about that. You don't care he's so fat he has to be removed from his house by a crane? You don't care? That is very unlikely. That is completely ridiculous. So, what's his handle? Er... I'm not gonna write him. Is that what you're worried about? I'm gonna email him? All right. NY152. NY152? One hundred and fifty-two? He's 152 years old. He's had 152 moles removed so now he's got 152 pockmarks on his... ..on his face. (Laughs) The number of people who think he looks like Clark Gable. 152 people who think he looks like a Clark bar. (Laughs) Why did I even tell you that? 152 stitches from his nose job. The number of his souvenir shot glasses that he's collected.... No, the number...the number... ..in his travels. His address? No! (Scoffs) No, he'd never do anything that prosaic. Well, the only thing I really care about is...well... Apart from the married thing, and the jail thing, is the, er, boat thing. What boat thing? I could never be with someone who had a boat. I have a boat. Oh. Which clinches it. We'll never be together. How many? Three. Allow me. Thank you. I could never be with someone who likes Joni Mitchell. 'It's clouds, illusions I recall. I really don't know clouds at all.' What does that mean? Is she a pilot or taking flying lessons? It must be a metaphor for something. So, how's your book coming? There's this children's book editor I know from the store and she's excited to read it when I'm finished. Yeah? Who'd have thought I would write? I mean if I hadn't had all this time... Uh-huh. You know what? The truth is that he was the one who started me thinking about writing. Mr 152 felony indictments. Mr 152 insights into my soul. Oh! Well! Yeah! Oh! No competing with that! Well, I keep on bumping into you. Yeah. Hope your mango's ripe. I think it is. Hey, you want to bump in to me on, say, Saturday, around lunchtime? Yeah. Over there? Uh-huh. Good. 'How about meeting Saturday? 'Four o'clock. 'There's a place in Riverside Park at 91st Street 'where the path curves and there's a garden. 'Brinkley and I will be waiting.' Today? Today. Wow! I know. In Riverside Park. Hmm, well, that'll mean he's a westsider. Isn't it amazing? Maybe I've seen him and don't even know it. You could have seen him every day. It's very possible. It could be that guy there, and those flowers are for you. Hey, could be the zipper man. Who's that? The zipper man. Who is that? He's a guy...he repairs zippers on Amsterdam Avenue. Cut it out. You'd never have to buy luggage. The timing here is everything. He's waited until you're primed, see? Until you are absolutely convinced that there's no other man that you could possibly love. Yes. You know, sometimes I wonder. What? Well... If I hadn't been Fox Books, and you hadn't been The Shop Around The Corner, and you and I had just met... I know. Yeah. Yeah. I would have asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling you up and saying, 'Hey, how about...?' Oh, how about some coffee, or, you know, drinks or dinner? Or a movie. For as long as we both shall live. Joe... And you and I would never have been at war. The only thing we'd fight about would be which video to rent on a Saturday night. Well, who fights about that? Well, some people. Not us. We would never. If only. WISTFUL MUSIC I gotta go. Let me ask you something. How can you forgive this guy for standing you up? And not forgive me for this tiny little thing - putting you out of business? Oh, how I wish you would. I really have to go. I really have to go. Yeah, well. You don't want to be late. Brinkley! (Barks) Brinkley! SONG: # Somewhere over the rainbow # Way up high # There's a land that I heard of # Once in a lullaby # Somewhere over the rainbow # Skies are blue... # Don't cry, Shopgirl. Don't cry. I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly. # Someday I'll wish upon a star # And wake up where the clouds are far behind me # Where troubles melt like lemon drops # Away above the chimney tops # That's where you'll find me # Over the rainbow # Bluebirds fly # Birds fly over the rainbow # Why then, oh, why can't I? # SONG: # Funny how I feel more myself with you # Than anybody else that I ever knew # I hear it in your voice # See it in your face # You've become the memory I can't erase # You could have been anyone at all # A stranger fallen out of the blue # I'm so glad it was you # Words can hurt you if you let them # People say them and forget them # Words can promise Words can lie # But your words make me feel that I can fly # You could have been anyone at all # A net that catches me when I fall # I'm so glad it was you # You could have been anyone at all # I'm so glad it was you. # BRIGHT, UP-BEAT MUSIC SONG: # I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter # And make believe it came from you # I'm gonna write words oh so sweet # They're gonna knock me off my feet # A lot of kisses on the bottom # I'll be glad I got 'em # I'm gonna smile and say, 'I hope you're feeling better.' # Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Captioning NZ 2001