1 # We're having a heat wave # A tropical heat wave # The temperature's rising # It isn't surprising she certainly can cancan # She started the heat wave # By letting her seat wave # And in such a way that the customers say that # She certainly can cancan # Gee # Her anatomy # Made the mercury # Jump to ninety-three # Yes, sir, we're having a heat wave # A tropical heat wave # The way that she moves that thermometer proves that # She certainly can cancan # Ooh, how she moves! The temperature proves # She certainly can cancan # Mr Gustafson! I have to talk to you. Mr Gustafson, answer the door, please. I know you're in there. It's no use pretending this isn't happening, Mr Gustafson! I can't keep coming back... ..every couple of days! You have to talk to me. Mr Gustafson, I'm just trying to help you. Answer the door. I'll just keep knocking. I'll keep ringing the bell. You might as well open the door. We know you're in there. Think of the neighbours, Mr Gustafson! There's a letter for you, Mr Gustafson! I suggest you read it. Morning, dickhead. Morning, dickhead. Hello, moron. Morning, dickhead. Hello, moron. What are you...? Never mind, forget it. Never mind, forget it. Who's the guy at your door? Never mind, forget it. Who's the guy at your door? Mind your own business. (MIMICS) Mind your own business! Tie your shoe. You'll fall on your stupid head. Havin' a heat wave here. # We're having a heat wave # A tropical heat wave Somebody moving into the old Clickner place. You picked up on that, Sherlock. You picked up on that, Sherlock. < Excuse me! I wonder if you could tell me where I could find Mr Gustafson? No, sorry. No, sorry. Mr John Gustafson? No, sorry. Mr John Gustafson? That's right. Uh... You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker, John Gustafson? Have you seen him? Have you seen him? The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out round those kinky strip bars. The ones where the men take their clothes off. That's if he's taking his medication That's if he's taking his medication Medication? Yes, without it, he could be wandering anywhere. This man is a menace. Always drinking, starting fights. Isn't that right? But have you seen him? But have you seen him? No, sorry. But have you seen him? No, sorry. I think perhaps... Um... No, no. No. If you see him, give him this, and tell him to contact Mr Snyder. If you see him, give him this, and tell him to contact Mr Snyder. Yes, OK. Snyder. Snyder. That's me. It's important. Yes, we'll tell him. When we see him. (CHORTLES) (CHORTLES) (MIMICS CHORTLE) Oops. Oops. Look out! Oops. Look out! Watch out for that ice. It's very slippery. It's very slippery. Right. Holy moly! Jesus! (HORN) A men's strip joint? (CHORTLES) Idiot! Thirty days. That's just great. (TV) "This Remington micro-screen shaver... ..shaves as close as a blade, or I'll give you your money back." "It shaves incredibly close, and it's American made." "Should've seen the look on Mrs Carlson's face!" "Cold enough for you? Brrrr!" Oh, shut up, fat ass! "It's not even Thanksgiving, and look at it!" "Six inches of snow already, with travellers' advisories in our area." "You'd be advised to stay inside and have a warm, home-cooked meal." "Here's what's coming up ` it's snow, snow, and more snow!" "We've got snow coming into our area all week long." (WHIRRING) (WHIRRING GETS LOUDER) What the hell...? Holy moly! Oh, my God! Still using that beat-up old piece of firewood? The Green Hornet's caught more fish that you've lied about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see her? Drives pretty fast on that snowmobile, pretty damn fast Yeah. Did you hear about Eddie Hicks? Hypothermia's a bitch. Not quick like a stroke. That's no good, you could end up a vegetable. Give me a cardiac any day. Know what Jacob said? Jacob said that Billy Hinshel was killed in a car crash. Head-on collision with a truck. His car went over the bridge into the Mississippi. His car went over the bridge into the Mississippi. Lucky bastard. You bet. How is he anyway? He's dead! Died on impact. Jacob, moron. Jacob! Oh. He's fine. Doing real good. Said he'd come over for Thanksgiving Is he really gonna run for mayor? Is he really gonna run for mayor? He'd make a damn fine mayor too. If he looked like you he'd never get on the ballot. If he looked like you he'd never get on the ballot. Eat my shorts! Good morning. > Holy moly! Watch your step there, ma'am. > Thank you. Jesus Quincy Adams. I hit the cans again. I heard. How is the Grinch today? Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. < Can I get you something? < Can I get you something? A six-pack of Schmidt and some bait. < Can I get you something? A six-pack of Schmidt and some bait. Shiners or wax-worms? I can't afford shiners, get me worms I can't afford shiners, get me worms Wax worms are 75 cents. I can't afford shiners, get me worms Wax worms are 75 cents. 75 cents? Crime-in-Italy! Chuck, we're talking worms, not caviar. Chuck, we're talking worms, not caviar. You go through that every time! Where you gonna get worms this time of year? It's supply and demand. It's supply and demand. You could retire on my worms. Some beef jerky too. That's $5 for the beer and the worms Your old gut can't handle no jerky. Your old gut can't handle no jerky. Goddam! Is Pop out there at the shanty? Is Pop out there at the shanty? Always. And the moron? And the moron? There's lots of ice out there ` room enough for both of you. (MIMICS) Lots of ice out there! # WALTER LEGAWIE & HIS POLKA KINGS # Hey, hey, bop-a-ree-bop! # Hey, hey, bop-a-ree-bop! # Hey, hey, bop-a-ree-bop! # Hey, hey, bop-a-ree-bop! # Hey, hey, bop-a-ree-bop! (HORN) Hi, Dad. Any luck today? Any luck today? How the hell should I know! I just got here. Mel, she came by the other day,... ..and said you'd been snapping like a damn catfish. ..and said you'd been snapping like a damn catfish. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I'll tell you what's on my mind ` it's butt cold, and I'm out of beer. Someone moved into the Clickner place. A woman. A woman? Did you mount her? Did you mount her? Oh, Dad! Did you mount her? Oh, Dad! Wait a minute. Has she got big thighs? Has she got big thighs? No. Has she got big thighs? No. No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you,... ..I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha! Keep the change. Hi, Punky! Hi, John! # OPERA (HORN) The Green Hornet strikes again! Caught my limit. I see you only snagged one, huh? I see you only snagged one, huh? Two fish, bonehead. I throw back what I'm not gonna eat. Like that 40lb muskie you're always yakking about? It's a shame nobody ever sees you with these monsters! You're gonna love it, Goldman. Go to work, baby. (SNORES) (CAT MIAOWS) (KNOCKING) Oh, my God, they've come for me. (DOOR BELL) (KNOCKING) Argh! Oh! Hi. Oh, my God! I, er... You see, I was... Hi. I saw your light on, and I wondered if I might use your bathroom? What? So your toilet is broken? No, thank goodness. The house seemed so empty tonight. I do so love bathrooms. A bathroom tells a lot about a person, you know. A bathroom tells a lot about a person, you know. I didn't know that. There it is! I can't wait! It's better than palm reading. Give me 30 seconds... ..in a person's bathroom, and I will give you a complete profile. There's a guest bathroom, please. There's a guest bathroom, please. Only be a minute! (TOILET FLUSHES) So? Fascinating. Shouldn't you introduce yourself? Shouldn't you introduce yourself? Oh, yeah. John Gustafson, right? John Gustafson, right? Gustafson. I took some of your mail yesterday, to find out who you were. You don't get much, and what you do get doesn't help much. You don't get much, and what you do get doesn't help much. You took my mail! That's a federal offence. That's a federal offence. I know. Sometimes you must go a long distance out of the way,... ..to come back a short distance correctly. I love that line. It's from "The Zoo Story" by Mr Edward Albee. I teach literature at Winona State University. I started yesterday. I love the classics, don't you? I started yesterday. I love the classics, don't you? Yeah. I also read Field and Stream. Indeed. You have a whole library up there from what I could see. There's something really rugged and virile about the outdoors. There's something really rugged and virile about the outdoors. Oh, yeah. My manners! I'm so sorry. I'm Ariel Truax. Ariel Truax. I'm John Gustafson. Yes, I know. When did you move into the Clickner place? I'm sure you know that. Ever since I got here,... ..you and Max Goldman have watched me like two Garfield cats. The ones you see in car windows! You know the little suction cups they have? You know the little suction cups they have? Squirrels. Been watching the squirrels. One's nesting under your eaves. Been watching the squirrels. One's nesting under your eaves. Sure, John. Here's your mail. There's nothing for a Mrs Gustafson. From your bathroom, I presume you're a bachelor. From your bathroom, I presume you're a bachelor. Yeah. Gay or straight? Gay or straight? Huh? Heterosexual or homosexual? Heterosexual or homosexual? Jeez, Louise! It's a perfectly legitimate question It's a perfectly legitimate question Oooh! Maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Have I upset you? No, hey! It's just the middle of the night. Would you like me to leave? Would you like me to leave? No. Yeah. It was very nice meeting you, John Gustafson. Now that we know one another, don't be a stranger. Oh, and John... ..King's rook to Queen's bishop three. # "Whole World" by Gabe Simon FATHER: 'When she saw her favorite animals' '- all in real life-' 'her face just lit up.' 'And when I saw that? Well, mine did too.' NARRATOR: 'When you book a flight with Expedia,' 'and add a hotel or activity,' 'you can save.' 'Everything you need to go.' 'EXPEDIA.' Hey, Bob! # JINGLE BELLS Don't ring that up yet. I need something for my lumbago. The pain's killing me. The pain's killing me. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'pain'. My sciatica makes your lumbago look like eye strain. My sciatica makes your lumbago look like eye strain. He wants to talk about pain. I had a gallstone the size of a baseball. I had a gallstone the size of a baseball. Oh, gallstones. They're for pussies. When I had shingles, did you see me complain to Phil? When I had shingles, did you see me complain to Phil? Shingles schmingles. When I had my ulcers I was... ..farting razor blades. Morning, John. Morning, John. Uh? Good m... Morning, John. Uh? Good m... Oh! You must be Max Goldman. Hi. I'm Ariel Truax. Your new neighbour. I'm Ariel Truax. Your new neighbour. Pleasure. Isn't it a peach of a day? Oh, I have something for you. It was dropped off at my house by accident. Some mail. Here you are. Sorry. Phil, have my herbal therapy oils arrived yet? Phil, have my herbal therapy oils arrived yet? They arrived this morning. Special delivery from California. Wonderful! Ah, yes, there's nothing like the scent of... fresh tea tree,... ..just soaking into your pores. Don't you agree? Don't you agree? Lovely. Thank you. It was a pleasure meeting you. I'm sure we're going to see a lot of one another. Goodbye. Goodbye, John. Yeah. Holy moly! Now, wait, you got all four wheels on the track? Careful, fellas. Careful, fellas. Hey, Mel! Be very careful, that's over 100 years old. Hiya, sweetheart. Hiya, sweetheart. Hi, Dad. Granddaddy's little girl! Granddaddy's little girl! What's going on? Granddaddy's little girl! What's going on? I'm getting rid of that old thing. Why? Why? I don't play it much. It sits and collects dust. You love that piano. You love that piano. I've got a surprise for you, pumpkin Dad. Dad. Just a little C`A`N`D`Y. It won't kill her. < Candy! Which one? This one? That's the one! Yeah. There you are, sweetpea! Dad. Is there something wrong? Is there something wrong? No, nothing's wrong at all. With me. Mel, um... How do I...? People are asking about you. People are asking about you. I know. I keep saying that you and Mike are just fine. It's just a lot of gum-flapping. It's just a lot of gum-flapping. Mike and I aren't fine. Yeah, that's what I thought. Dad,... we're going to separate for a while. Marriage isn't easy. You got to work at it. It's hard to, when he's never there. Your mother said that for 20 years. You think I wanted two jobs? I was doing that for you and Brian. You think I wanted two jobs? I was doing that for you and Brian. Dad! This isn't about you, this about me and Mike. This isn't about you, this about me and Mike. Yeah, I'm sorry. I keep... I'm sorry. I love you so much. Well, whatever... ..you and Mike decide... I never liked him anyway! (SCREAMING) Wow! Who is that? I don't know. Hi! Hi! She seems to know you. Well... Does she always do that? Does she always do that? I don't know. This is great! (PING!) (TV) "Stay tuned for tonight's 6.4 million dollar jackpot on Powerball." Out of the way, Slick. Come on. I've got to win a million bucks. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Who's that? (KNOCKING CONTINUES) (KNOCKING CONTINUES) OK! Ta-da! Ta-da! Jacob, you got my vote. Come in. Have a TV dinner. Lasagne. It's heating up now. It's heating up now. No time. I just came to give you the placard. Just have a little drink. Pop, I can't. I'll call you. No, close the door. Come on in. No, close the door. Come on in. (BLEEPING) Give me a minute. I'll be with you in a second. I have to do something important. "$6,400,000 to be won. You could be our next millionaire." "To win, correctly match... ..5 white balls and the red Powerball." "Our first number is a... "There's No.4." "There's No.4." Seven. There's a seven. "Next up is a..." Come on! The schmuck is clueless! The schmuck is clueless! "Twenty-five!" "Just one more white ball!" "Here it is!" Jesus Christ! # Here we go! Goldman! It's Goldman. You...! You're a child. You're a child. Don't tell me, Jacob. It isn't me. You're a child. Don't tell me, Jacob. It isn't me. It never is. I'm sure John started every fight since 1940. I'm sure John started every fight since 1940. '38. It's ridiculous. Hey, John! Come here and apologise. Come here and apologise. I'm not apologising to anybody! Argh! Take that, you criminal! (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR OPENS) I don't believe it! > That old trick?! That old trick?! This is between me and your father. Don't get involved. I don't say anything on one condition. You put one of these in your yard. You put one of these in your yard. I'd be proud to, Jake. Not one word to your old man, remember? Have fun, Johnny. Have fun, Johnny. Yeah. Ugh! Hey, dickhead. You win the lottery? Hey, dickhead. You win the lottery? Enjoy your shower, smartass? (CHUCKLES) Got to use hot water, you schmuck. You'll never get me. See you later, Gustafson. Up yours, Gustafson! Phew! Phew! What the hell is that smell? (HORN) Phew! (HORN) Watch it, bonehead. Mrs Cusack at the store said she came in yesterday to buy... ..some candles and incense. Probably belongs to a religious cult You say she's all alone? You say she's all alone? Yeah, she's available,.. ..and hot to trot. (DOOR BELL) (DOOR BELL) Hey, Chuck. > Moron. Moron. Putz. Hi, John. Max was telling me about your new neighbour. My new neighbour? My new neighbour? Oh, yes, new neighbour! She came over to see me last night. She came over to see me last night. She what? She came over to see me last night. She what? Yeah, about 1.30 in the morning. Why would a woman come over at 1.30 to see you? Why would a woman come over at 1.30 to see you? Why do you think, bonehead! I'll have a six-pack, Chuck. Women and fish ` you can't catch either. I have laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing. I have laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing. Yeah? You're gonna go after her? Oh, Jeez. She's too... She's too disturbed for me. For you, maybe. I want nothing to do with her. Women fall too hard for me. They get obsessed with me. It's like those 'Fatal Attraction' things they show on the Donohue Show It's like those 'Fatal Attraction' things they show on the Donohue Show You guys,... ..are the biggest damn bullshitters in this entire frozen nation! You're just plain chicken. Both of you. If you ask me. A beautiful woman sitting there 20ft from your front yards,... ..and you're saying that you'd rather park... ..your wrinkly butts on ice,... ..kissing up to a couple of buckets of fish bait! Jeez, listen to Casanova. Yeah, he's a regular Don Juan. No wonder the ladies Don Juan anything to do with you! No wonder the ladies Don Juan anything to do with you! Oh! Oh, no! I'm out. I am out. Hey, Max, say hello to Jake for me. Have some turkey with us. There's always plenty with just Jake and me. You'll get ptomaine. Come over to my place. Melanie cooks up a feast. Thanks, but the old boys at the VFW expect me every Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. See you, Chuck. Moron. Moron. Putz. Tell me something, Chuck. Do I stink? Do I stink? Yeah! Do I stink? Yeah! Not you, smartass! I could smell it in the car. This stink! Is it me? Yep. Damn! What the hell is that? For Christ's sake! Oh! (JAWS`TYPE MUSIC) Gustafson! (HORN) (JAWS`TYPE MUSIC) You schmuck! Damn disgrace the way they coach that team. (TINKLING) (MUTTERS TO HIMSELF) Stay there. Stay there, you little bastard. Argh! Where's my Green Hornet! How are you, Punky? How are you, Punky? Hey, buttercup! Two packs of Camels and a cup of special coffee... ..you love muffin, you. You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes, Pop. You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes, Pop. Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old! What the hell do I care? Oh, thank you. Max is here. Max is here. Yeah. Come on, love muffin. Thanks. You were always there to save me. Yeah, right. When Billy Gerber locked me in his treehouse, you came to my rescue. When Billy Gerber locked me in his treehouse, you came to my rescue. And I got a black eye for my effort. I always knew, you know. Knew what? Knew what? That you liked me since 6th grade. You used to watch me with your dad's binoculars. You used to watch me with your dad's binoculars. What? No! Never wondered why my curtains were open just enough? Never wondered why my curtains were open just enough? I thought I was lucky. I just did it to torture you. Well, you succeeded wonderfully. How come you never asked me out? I... Mel! Hi, Jakey! Is the turkey meant to be smoking? Is the turkey meant to be smoking? I better run. See you. See you. Hey, John. > Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. How are you? Happy Thanksgiving. How are you? Good. They're getting a divorce. Mel and Mike ` they're getting a divorce. They call it a separation. Mel and Mike ` they're getting a divorce. They call it a separation. Gee, I'm sorry to hear that. So, are you seeing anybody special? So, are you seeing anybody special? Me? No, I guess not. Nobody serious. No, I guess not. Nobody serious. What do you know. We got a new neighbour, d'you hear? We got a new neighbour, d'you hear? She's the talk of the town. She hasn't been out since 11.20. What are you doing? Clocking her? What are you doing? Clocking her? She keeps odd hours. Very interesting woman. Very interesting woman. Sounds like a wacko to me. I haven't had sex for 15 years. Can I have a little? (BURPS) Finished, Dad? Finished, Dad? Yeah, that was plenty. Give some of the leftovers to Jakey. Give some of the leftovers to Jakey. He'll have his own. That pre-cooked stuff his old man gets? That tastes of cardboard. Why don't you go and talk to her? Why don't you go and talk to her? What? Talk to who? Why don't you go and talk to her? What? Talk to who? Ariel. You spent half the meal staring out the window. You spent half the meal staring out the window. Squirrels on the roof. That's what I was staring at. That's what I was staring at. You're a handsome, eligible guy. You got a lot to offer her. I got something to offer her! I got zip to offer her. (PING!) (PING!) < Is this done? Pop, do you know how many minutes this thing needs to cook? I'm getting hungry. Sure would be nice to have some turkey round about now. Remember the turkey your mother used to make? Remember the turkey your mother used to make? Oh, yeah. Damn, she was a good cook. You remember the stuffing? The best! How about those potato latkies? I thought Chuck was going to VFW. He is. He is. I don't think so. What are you talking about? Looks like he's making a house call. Looks like he's making a house call. What? What in the... What in the... ..hell is he doing? He's going to do it. He's going to do it. So? What? What? What is he doing, that crazy... ..son of a.... ..son of a.... Jealous? He's in! He's in! He's in. He's in! Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist! Jeez, Dad! Chuck? Chuck? Chuck, where are you? Hello, fellas. Hello, fellas. Hi, Chuck. Some game last night. Some game last night. Blackhawks were killers, huh? Did you catch that game, Chuck? No. Oh, sure. You were with the guys at the VFW. How was the turkey at the VFW this year, Chuckie? The turkey this year... ..was delicious. Oh, come on! You were there half the night. What's it like in there? What's it like in there? What did she say? What's it like in there? What did she say? Fellas! There are some experiences in life too beautiful... ..to try to put into words. What does that mean? Could've been either of you if you'd had the guts to ask. Wait a minute. You mean, you and she... Wait a minute. You mean, you and she... I'm not talking about sex,... ..you dummies. Of course not. Oh, I get it. Your old pal failed you, huh? Couldn't rise to the occasion? The spirit was willing... The spirit was willing... But the flesh was, er... The spirit was willing... But the flesh was, er... Weak. OK, OK. If it wasn't sex, what was it? It was an awakening. Ariel reminded me that I was alive. That I was a man... ..full of energy, love and passion. It was like being young again. If only for a moment. Couldn't get it up, huh, Chuck? Get out of here. Both of you. Yeah, I'll see you. Yeah, but... So long. Hey, boys. That's not just a woman living across your street. She's an angel. Angel, right. Take it easy, Chuck. See you, Chuck. # RIGHT SAID FRED: TOO SEXY # I'm too sexy for my shirt # Too sexy for my shirt # So sexy, it hurts! # I'm too sexy for Milan # Too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan # I'm too sexy for your party # Too sexy for your party ` no way I'm disco dancing! # I'm a model, you know what I mean # And I do my little turn on the catwalk # Yeah, on the catwalk # On the catwalk, yeah! # I do my little turn on the catwalk # I'm too sexy for my hat # Too sexy for my hair ` what d'you think about that? Holy moly! Look at all the crap you got! Excuse me ` the stuff you got here. Excuse me ` the stuff you got here. Well, it's my inspiration. You're an artist? I try. I used to teach courses in Expressionism at Berkley. But now I'm back to the classics of literature. But now I'm back to the classics of literature. Berkley ` that explains it. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! < What? Your TV! It's got no guts. I took them out. How could you do that to a '54 Super Zenith? This TV is a classic. I could fix it for you, if you wanted me to. I used to be a TV repair man. Oh, that's so sweet, Max, but... ..I think it works quite well, just the way it is. How does she see any shows? Holy moly. I see you've met Ernest. I see you've met Ernest. Who? The model was my husband. He wasn't pleased about modelling in the nude. Took quite a bit of prompting, I must say. He's uh...? He's uh...? Passed on. Five years ago. Would you like some coffee? Would you like some coffee? Yeah. Cream and sugar? Cream and sugar? Yeah. Sure moved around a lot the last few years. Yeah, I think it's exciting to experience new things,... ..new places, and meet new people. Like you. Do you paint? Paint? Me? Sure do. I paint the shed every spring! No! No! Do you get it? No! Do you get it? I get it, I get it. I mean, you know... ..pictures, paintings. ..pictures, paintings. What for? Everyone needs some form of... ..release. I fish. Fish? Fish... Yeah, fish. Oh, yeah. I guess there's a beauty in that. I guess there's a beauty in that. Yeah? Miss Truax, would you do me the honour... ..of accompanying me to my ice shanty tomorrow? I'd be honoured. Bye for now. Bye for now. See you tomorrow. Bye for now. See you tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. Be careful! # We've having a heat wave # A tropical heat wave # We're having a heat wave # Bi-de-li-doo I'm hearing things that I can't remember the last time I heard. Healthy hearing is now more affordable with... Call us or visit... # "Whole World" by Gabe Simon VO: 'When you book a flight with Expedia,' 'and add a hotel or activity,' 'you can save.' 'Everything you need to go.' 'EXPEDIA.' Oh! I can't hold it! Reel him in! Work him! Work him! Work him! I'm trying! He's so strong! I can't hold it! I can't hold it! Reel him in. I can't hold it! Reel him in. I can't! Give me the pole. Give me the pole. Not on your life! Get outta here! (SCREAMING) It's coming! It's coming! It's coming! It's coming! Morning, John. Morning, Punky. I almost lost him! He's just magnificent. He's a record breaker! He's 3ft! He's a record breaker! He's 3ft! Oh, Max! I can see the beauty in this now. I can see the beauty in this now. Can you see it? I can see the beauty in this now. Can you see it? Yes, the lure. Oh, the bite! Wait till I show the guys! Wait till I show the guys! The catch! What a catch! What a catch! And then the release! What a catch! And then the release! Release! What release? There's no release. What release? There's no release. It's beautiful! What's beautiful is this monster on my wall, stuffed. What's beautiful is this monster on my wall, stuffed. No, there can be no stuffing. This is a live creature, full of courage and life! This is a live creature, full of courage and life! Nobody's gonna believe me! Let me get a camera! Let me get a camera! I hear the water calling it back, Max. Here we go! Here we go! Wait! Here we go! Wait! Calling! Hold it! Hold it! Argh! (SCREAM ECHOES) Hey, Pop. Hey! Just finishing breakfast. So I see. Colder than a witch's titty today. Colder than a witch's titty today. Where d'you get this fishing pole? Oh, I snagged it about an hour ago. Only thing I caught all day. Hey, Chuck, guess what Pop found! Chuck! Hey, Chuck! Chuck! You forgot to unlock the back door, you dummy. Isn't it wonderful to have a little adventure every day?! Isn't it wonderful to have a little adventure every day?! You're one hell of a fisherman! I learnt from the best! You're not mad at me for putting them all back? You're not mad at me for putting them all back? No, Gustafson does the same thing. He just keeps the ones he eats. That's what he says. I think he never catches them. Oh, Max! I think we're gonna be great friends. I think we're gonna be great friends. Well, fri... Friends is good. That's good, isn't it? How about supper tonight? After your class. Oh, thank you so much, but I already have plans, sorry. Oh. I'll take a rain check. I'll take a rain check. That's a deal. I'll take a rain check. That's a deal. OK. Until we meet again, my dear Ariel! Until we meet again, my dear Ariel! Yes! Goodbye. Goodbye. Watch out! Don't slip! Well, looks like the best man won. Yeah. You always were a lousy loser. He's dead. He's dead. What? Who? Chuck. Chuck? How? Last night in his sleep. In his sleep. Lucky bastard. You might've known if you hadn't been out with that minx. You might've known if you hadn't been out with that minx. Hey, it ain't my fault. Chuck was a friend of mine too. Chuck was a friend of mine too. Call yourself a friend? Bastard! Watch your mouth, you frigging Swede. Watch your mouth, you frigging Swede. Don't tell me what to do! Yeah, big man with the axe! All right! You think you can take me? Come on! Come on! 1937 at Todd Field, I kicked your ass after football practice,... ..when you stole my liniment! ..when you stole my liniment! I kicked your ass, and I'll do it again! Give it your best shot, shrimp! It's not worth the effort. Get out of there! Damn! He has the intelligence quotient of a newt! Shrimp thinks he can get funny with me! Left hook,... ..right cross,... ..and dump him! Oh, Chuck. (KNOCK AT DOOR) I'm gonna kill him! Damn you, Goldman, you... John Gustafson? I'm Elliot Snyder of the IRS. I'm asking you to accompany me to my office. (CLINKING OF DISHES) Slick? Miaow! Hi. I was wondering where you were. I was wondering where you were. I er... I had a little business. I hope it went alright. Yeah. What are you doing? What are you doing? Cooking. Yes, yes. That's... Wait. I can't have anything spicy. If it's too exciting, I'm up all night. If it's too exciting, I'm up all night. Good. I'm making Szechwan. From the moment I saw you, I could feel that we had the same aura. That we share something special. That we share something special. Teaching. 39 years I taught American history at Wabasha High. 39 years I taught American history at Wabasha High. History is so romantic. Great dental plan. All the ideas that you brought to those young minds. The kids, think they know it all. Once in a while, you reach one. Touch them somehow. Once in a while, you reach one. Touch them somehow. I did that once. My Roosevelt's New Deal Lecture. I touched a kid on the back of the head while he was snoring. You're so bad! You know, er... Chuck, he... I know. Oh. We can be thankful that we had the privilege of knowing him. Yeah. Yeah. To Chuck. Yes. To Chuck. Thank you, John. It was a wonderful evening. Thank you, Ariel. Pop,... ..you think I should call her? ..you think I should call her? What? The woman. The woman. Let me tell you something, John. The first 90 years or so,... ..they go by pretty fast. What? The first 90 years go by pretty fast. The first 90 years go by pretty fast. But how would you know? You're just a damn kid! You're just a damn kid! I didn't say it, you did. Well, they do. They go fast. Then one day, you wake up, and you realise... ..that you're not 81 any more. You begin to count the minutes, rather than the days. Pretty soon, you'll be gone! All you have is the experiences. That's all there is! Everything! The experiences. You mount the woman, son! Or else,... ..send her out to me, huh?! # One, two, three! # Good love! # Good love! # Good love! # Good love! # Good love! # Good love! # Good love! # All I need is love! # I happened to come by these two tickets for the Gopher game. So, Ariel, ever play much ice hockey? What a schmuck. Gustafson! > Mr Gustafson! We had an appointment. There she is ` Wabasha! It is just beautiful! Yeah, from up here. I used to camp out up here when I was a kid. What are you thinking? Oh, I'm sorry, I just... It's the snow. It reminds me of the last Christmas I spent with my husband. Are you all right? Are you all right? Yes, an angel! I'm making a snow angel, remember? I'm making a snow angel, remember? Oh. Oh, yes. Yeah, I remember. Hey! Do you believe in angels? Do you believe in angels? Oh, yeah. They're all around us. Yeah? Yeah? You got to look hard, but,... ..they're there whenever anything good happens to us. I think I see one. "Look at how large Papa's bald spot is." "Actually looks like hair growing!" "Actually looks like hair growing!" (CHANGES CHANNEL) "..problems that will become realities." (CHANGES CHANNEL) (CHANGES CHANNEL) "Give it all you've got, again and again and again." A-ha! I'll have you mated in three moves. We should get to know each other better first. You have a wonderful smile! Wear it more often. I bring it out on special occasions. Tell me, who's this? Over here. That's my dad. That's Pop, and you know the handsome guy behind him. My daughter Melanie and her mother. Melanie and Mike. My daughter Melanie and her mother. Melanie and Mike. She's beautiful. Now, these people over here? Now, these people over here? That's Alexandra, my granddaughter. And my son Brian. He's so handsome! Lost him in Vietnam. Lost him in Vietnam. I'm so sorry. Lost him in Vietnam. I'm so sorry. That's OK. That's alright. And these little guys? And these little guys? That's me and the moron! Max? Max? Of course! He's ugly, isn't he? Max? Of course! He's ugly, isn't he? You mean you were friends? I was 10. I didn't know any better. What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting? Guess. Guess. A woman. Guess. A woman. Yeah. How romantic! How romantic! Oh, no, it wasn't romantic at all. Well... What did I know ` I was just a kid. Which I am not, any more. I think it's kind of late. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. It's time for bed. God you are dumb, dumb, dumb! Ariel, I'm sorry that... I thought you said... I said it's time for bed. Wait a minute! What about, er... What? What? You've been seeing... Max? Max? Yeah, Max. Max? Yeah, Max. He's just my friend. Yeah, but... Yeah, but... The last man that I slept with was my husband. Oh, God, wait a minute. Wait, wait! I'm not prepared. These days they say you have to do "safe sex". John, when was the last time you made love? October 4th,... ..1978. Oh, I think we're safe. (SINGS) Max! Morning! Are those for me? Oh, they're just beautiful! Thank you. Thank you. They're for you. I got them for you. Thank you. How sweet! I... ..got 'em for you. Snake in the grass! # I'm a love man! # Call me the love man # Ooh, baby, I'm a love man # That's what they call me ` I'm a love man # Which one of you girls wants me to hold you? # Which one of you girls wants me to kiss you? # Which one of you girls wants me to take you out? I'm gonna make sure everything's alright cos, cos, cos, cos # Cos I'm a love man! # Ooh, baby, I'm a love man # That's what they call me ` I'm a love man # Baby, call the love man! Burn, baby, burn! # I said I'm just a love man, good old man # I'm just a love man, baby man # I'm just a love man, good old man # I'm just a love man, baby man # I'm just a love man, good old man # I'm just a love man! # (BELCHES) (KNOCK AT DOOR) How are you doing, Punky? Creep. # OPERA (BANG!) (RECORD JUMPS) (HORN) Holy shit! Max! Stop the car, you idiot! Look out, Goldman's gone nuts! Look out! You've really lost it this time! You've really lost it this time! Dirty bastard! Are you out of your mind! Max! (HORN) (HORN) Oh, my God! Argh! Yes! Oh, no. He belongs in the rubber room. I fixed your fishing pole! Who cares about a fishing pole! You can shove that pole! You think a lousy pole... ..is gonna replace her? Are you crazy? Don't egg him on! Leave him alone. We'll settle this thing. Shrimp, you're not going anywhere! You broke my nose! I didn't break your damn nose! What the hell has gotten into you? You stole her, didn't you? You stole her, didn't you? What? You stole her, didn't you? What? She's mine! Says who? Says who? Says me. Says who? Says me. She came to me! Bull! You're trying to steal her away, just like May. Bull! You're trying to steal her away, just like May. Can I remind you, May was no prize. She was to me! She was to me! I married her! She was no prize! She was to me! She was to me! If you'd married May, you never would've had Amy! Amy was a good woman. Amy was a good woman. She was the best! Amy was a good woman. She was the best! And more loyal than May ever was! So... So... So what? What? Huh? So? What? What? What? Well, did you? Well, did you? What?! You know! You know! That's a private matter. Private, my foot! Did you? I can't say. I can't say. You better tell me. I can't say. You better tell me. OK, we danced the horizontal mambo! It was the greatest sex I ever had! Are you happy? Hey! Drop that fish! Huh? Mr Gustafson. Mr Gustafson. Don't make me separate you again! Dammit! Go to your shanties, all of you! You're scaring the fish away. Damn kids! Kids! Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em! How are you gonna take care of her? Huh? How are you gonna support her... ..when the IRS takes your house? I can't wait around for another Amy. I ain't got time. OK, Max, this time you win. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Hi! If you won't keep our date, I'll bring the date... ..to you! You promised to give me the New Deal Lecture. Like a good student, I... Like a good student, I... What's that? Like a good student, I... What's that? A gift. A snow angel. You inspired it. I can't accept it. Why not? I, er... It doesn't... It might be a good idea if we didn't see each other. For a while. Give each of us a chance to be alone. But I thought... But I thought... Goddam it! Ariel, please. Firstly, I'm too old for you. What has that have to... What has that have to... I don't like you coming over here any time you feel like it, dammit! I'm not like you. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm not like you. I'm not afraid to be alone. I am not afraid to be alone! I just prefer to experience things, ..and not watch them on TV, or out the window! Don't you understand? I like being alone! Don't you understand? I like being alone! Oh, I understand. I understand completely. I understand completely. You don't know a thing about me. I understand completely. You don't know a thing about me. I do too! The only things in life you regret, are the risks you don't take. But you wouldn't understand that, cos you're too pig-headed! Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Hi, John. John. How are you doing? Hey, Jakey! Hey, Jakey! Merry Christmas. Congratulations on the election. Congratulations on the election. That's old news. Where have you been? Well, I had all this stuff that I had to get taken care of. Melanie's coming by tonight,... ..for Christmas Eve, around nine. Why don't you drop over? Well, I'll do that. (SNOWMOBILE) Come spring, it'll be a lot safer without that snowmobile around! Hiya, Jacob. Hello, Putz. Hiya, Jacob. Hello, Putz. Hey, Pop. Merry Christmas, John. Ariel. Hey, Gustafson! Your cat crapped on my steps again. Your cat crapped on my steps again. Who says you can't train a cat? If it happens again, I'll punch you in the nose. Pop! Pop! He started it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. # Sleigh bells ring # Are you listening? # In the lane snow is glistening # A beautiful sight # We're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland Where's Santa's favourite little girl? Where's Santa's favourite little girl? Merry Christmas, Dad! Merry... Merry... Hi, John! What, no twinkle lights? Yeah, well, I... I forgot about them this year. Be polite. Hey, John. Merry, uh... Merry, uh... Christmas. Merry, uh... Christmas. Yeah, Christmas. Can I put Allie in your bed? Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. Goodnight, baby. Yeah, sure. Goodnight, baby. Bedtime. Say goodnight to Grandpa. Goodnight, Grandpa! So, how have you been? Lousy. I thought you two were getting a divorce. Lousy. I thought you two were getting a divorce. < Dad! It's only a separation. I had to work some things out for myself, before we could work on us. I had to work some things out for myself, before we could work on us. Did you get it worked out? Uh... Yeah, you know... As far as I can tell. Damn, that's great, Mike. The rest of us can put our lives on hold... ..while you drink enough booze so that you can make your mind up! Uh... You know, maybe I'll grab a beer. Yeah, it's in the fridge! What has gotten into you? What has gotten into you? I don't know. Grab me one too! Try and understand. He showed up last night. He said he's straightened out. He said he's straightened out. What do I know? I'm 68! I got no house, no wife,... ..no pension! ..no pension! What are you talking about? ..no pension! What are you talking about? I don't know one damn thing! But I know the only things in life you regret, ..are the risks you didn't take. If you see a chance to be happy, you grab it,... ..and to hell with the consequences. OK? OK. Dad,... ..I can't find a bottle opener. ..I can't find a bottle opener. Sweetheart,... ..I'm gonna walk down to Slippery's. What? Dad... Dad... Yeah. Oh, hey, Jakey. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Is this a bad time? I don't know what's wrong with him. He just exploded. Do you want me to go after him? Do you want me to go after him? No, no. He'll cool off down at Slippery's. Come on in. What's that? Broccoli. Pop didn't have any mistletoe in the house. Mike! Hey! You're next, big guy. Hiya, Stinky. I, er, I just came by to wish you all a merry Christmas. I, er, I just came by to wish you all a merry Christmas. That was sweet, Jacob. Right, Mike? Yeah, sweet. And short. Well... Good to see you, Mike (!) Jacob. Jacob. Yeah? Could I ask you a favour? Could I ask you a favour? Sure. Could you speak to your dad? See if they can't make up for Christmas. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. That would be great. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Over to Gustafson's? Yeah. Melanie there? Uh-huh. She, er... She look good? Very. She also looks to still be married. She also looks to still be married. What? Mike's back? Mike's back? Looks that way. Melanie said that John just exploded and walked out. So? So what's going on? So what's going on? Nothing that shouldn't have happened years ago. Pop... He tried to steal her away from me. But I won. But I won. Could you at least talk to him? My door's open. He knows where to find me. He started it. I don't care who started it. You're gonna end it. I don't care who started it. You're gonna end it. I don't like him. I never liked him. It's Christmas! Go down to Slippery's and make peace with him. I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt. "This 1,500lb moose is the real things, folks." "Reared by a local firefighter ` Peter Carlson,... ..who found it injured on a hunting trip." Merry Christmas. Moron. Putz. Thank you, Lou. Jacob says Mike and Melanie are back together. He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Melanie is getting a divorce. I got a couple of things I want to tell you. The reason I came down here is... I wanted to tell you... I wanted to tell you... Will you spit it out! I wanted to tell you... Will you spit it out! Don't shout at me! I bust my tuchus to get down here to thank you, and all you can do... ..is shout at me. ..is shout at me. To thank me? Alright, I take it back. I don't thank you. Jesus, it's impossible! Impossible! Look, Goldman,... ..I want to ask you something. What? I ain't got all night either. I'm just as busy as you are. Do you love her? What the hell has that got to do with anything? It makes it all worthwhile. Sometimes I think you've lost whatever marbles you ever had. What do you think you did? Walk on coals? You gave me back my old fishing pole, and I thanked you. You gave me back my old fishing pole, and I thanked you. Fishing pole? Yes! Pisses me off you broke it, but schmuck that you are... ..I got to be realistic. What the hell is so funny? What the hell is so funny? You think this whole damn thing... ..is about a fishing pole! ..is about a fishing pole! What's it about? Forget it. Don't give me that crap. Tell me. Don't give me that crap. Tell me. Do you really want to know? Don't give me that crap. Tell me. Do you really want to know? Yes, yes. Ariel. What about her? What about her? You made me feel sorry for you. She chose me! She did! If anybody says otherwise, they're a damn liar! If anybody says otherwise, they're a damn liar! So what? You got her anyway. What the hell are you looking at? Stupid moron! Stupid idiot! (GROANS) It makes a difference, dammit! # He rules the world with truth and grace # And makes the nations rule # With glory God requires You dirty rat! Little turd! Oh, my God! Hey, John! John! John! Are you dead? Are you dead? No. Not yet, but I don't want to die looking at your ugly face. You stay there. Stay right there. Wait a minute. I'll be right back. Help! It's an emergency! We need an ambulance! Somebody dial 911. Miss... Miss, could you tell me... Nurse, nurse. Nurse, could you tell me where Mr John Gustafson is? Are you friend or family? What? What? Are you friend or family, sir? Friend. Merry Christmas, John. You putz. You better have a very good reason.. ..for standing me up this morning. What's wrong? Can I come in? Sure. Hi. I know you wanted to get rid of me, but this is a bit drastic. My husband passed away at Easter. If you leave me at Christmas, I won't have any holidays to enjoy. Except for maybe Thanksgiving. You know,... ..I'm not crazy about turkey. So, what do you say? Let's get out of here. Alright. OK, I can wait. He could be dead tomorrow! I'm sorry he's sick, but the court order is in,... ..and my hands are tied! Check the bedroom. File any papers. He's straight as a grizzly's dick! He'd never cheat. It's not a matter of cheating, more miscalculation. He got health benefits for 20 years while claiming as a married man. He didn't say that his ex-wife had a part-time job for 11 of the 20 years Had he done so, we would have said that because of her income,... ..a larger portion of those benefits were subject to taxes. About $13,000. About $13,000. $13,000? He can raise that. However,... ..that amount, when combined with 11 years' worth of interest,... ..mandatory late charges, and penalties,... ..comes out at about $57,000. Ballpark. He'd never find that. He will when we sell his house. Dirty rat! I'll show him! Picking on people! Let's go! Let's go! Hubba, hubba! Where's the realtor? The furniture goes straight to the auction house. Put any paperwork in the back of my car. Yes, sir. Beautiful day, Mr Goldman! Beautiful day, Mr Goldman! Hey, Snyder! Do the world a favour ` pull your lip over your head and swallow! Asshole! Bloodsuckers! Max, what's going on? Max, what's going on? Morning, Ariel. Anyone looking? No, why? You got a problem, sir. You got a problem, sir. What? Somebody's barricaded the doors. Wait a minute. What! Watch this. You'll get a kick out of this. We'll see about this. Yo, Ray. This isn't going stop me, Mr Goldman I got him right where I want him. (HORN) No, Jacob! Got it, Pop. Just like you said! Got it, Pop. Just like you said! You don't understand. Got it, Pop. Just like you said! You don't understand. It's OK. I'm Jacob Goldman, Mayor of Wabasha. I'm Jacob Goldman, Mayor of Wabasha. Jacob, no! A 30-day cease and desist order. You can't touch this house. (SNOW CREAKS) Very well. (CHURCH BELLS TOLL) Jacob. Jacob. Hey, Mel! You look great. You look great. Thanks. So do you. I mean it. People always try to be nice by saying you look great, but.. ..you really do look great. ..you really do look great. I feel good. So how are you? So how are you? I'm good, Jacob. Listen, I'm sorry about the... Divorce. Yeah, thanks. I'm just glad it's over and done with. I'm just glad it's over and done with. Yeah, you must be. Ready for this? Ready for this? Not really. (WEEPS) If you need someone to talk to tonight, I'm staying at Pop's. Thanks, Jacob. I'd like that. I'd like that. < Hey, you two! Get your asses in here! I guess it's time. I guess it's time. Yeah. Where have you been? Where have you been? Relax, Pop. Are you nervous? Where have you been? Relax, Pop. Are you nervous? The groom is. I'm not nervous, schmuck. I'm not nervous, schmuck. Don't call me a schmuck, you putz. I'm not nervous, schmuck. Don't call me a schmuck, you putz. You're in a church! (CHEERING) Wait! Ain't you forgetting something? Oh, Grandpa! OK, that'll do it. That'll do it, Dad! OK, here we go. Wow! Oh, Max, you're the greatest! Thank you. I love you. I love you. Goodbye, pumpkin. Here's the house. Jacob got 'em to waive the interest. I took care of the 13 grand. Wipe the smile off your face, cos it's just a loan. I'll lay 8-5 you can't get it up the entire honeymoon. I'll lay 8-5 you can't get it up the entire honeymoon. Oh, you're on! I got a sure winner. You smell something? What is that? That dirty son of a... What a putz! What do you feel like? Leno or Letterman? Tell me about it in the morning. Tell me about it in the morning. Where are you going? Daughters of the American Revolution are having a dance over at the VFW. Maybe I'll get lucky. Don't wait up. (SINGS) Hi, Jacob. Hi, Jacob. Hey, Mel. What have you got there? What have you got there? Broccoli. Holy moly! He's in! He's in! Looks like he's going to enter the holy of holies! Coitus uninterruptus. I throw back what I don't eat. I throw back what I don't eat. Like that 40lb muskie you're always yakking about? It's a shame that, that, um... ..that your uncle has a fish market on 23rd Street and 14th Avenue. 26th Street, you dummy! > 26th Street, you dummy! > You schmuck! Yeah, it looks like Chuck's slipping her the old salami! Oh, Jesus! Dad! Hi. I'm Ronald Reagan. I used to be the president of the United States. I live across the street. I live across the street. Yes, come in. I was also in the movies for a while. I was a lousy actor. Looks like Chuck's gonna put the hot dog in the bun! Oh, Jesus! Dad! That's why I came down. That's why I came down. Spit it out! Don't shout at me! I bust my tuchus to get here on New Year's Eve... ..or Christmas, or whatever the <BLEEP> it is! Looks like Chuck's a tomcat on the prowl. Miaow! My sciatica'd make your lumbago look like eye strain. My sciatica'd make your lumbago look like eye strain. Pain... Does he...? Would he...? Is he...? Is he...? Yes, he is. Looks like Chuck's taking the old log to the beaver! Looks like Chuck's going to bury his boner! That's right, you're a moron! If you hadn't had Amy... (TALKS NONSENSE) (TALKS NONSENSE) Looks like Chuck's taking his skinboat to tuna town! Looks like Chuck's taking a ride on the wild baloney pony! Who left? IMS Subtitles HELEN STEWART www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2012 If I knew there was a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.