Nobody rush to help me... (BLUEGRASS GUITAR PLAYS) Phew, ho-ly this heat is hot as. Mum says it's a heatwave. She's a big fan of the weather. It's her favourite TV show. Yeah. (LAUGHS) Boring. (SIGHS) (CAN RATTLES, SPRAYS) (COUGHS, YELPS) (COUGHS) Yuck! Cut it out, bro! (COUGHS) Aw, what is that stuff? Ugh, it really gets to the back of your throat. It's called Unsafe Bug Spray. Mum orders it in bulk. Yeah, well, seems pretty unsafe bro. Yeah, it's, uh, right there in the name. Come on, you lot. Everyone's heading down to the town hall to hear Mayor Dennis ramble on about something. (SWIMMING CAP SQUEAKS) (POP!) (OMINOUS STRING MUSIC) (WATER BUBBLES) (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (GURGLING) (CICADAS HUM) OK, you lot, quieten down please! It's town meeting time. Item one, summer. OK? That's the first item. It's proving to be a hot one this year, and as Officer Rodge has just informed me, there's gonna be a hosepipe ban in full effect. All right? I'm not sure what that means. What's a hosepipe ban, Rodge? Dennis, water wastage at a time like this is a very serious issue. Oh, it's straightforward. No hosepipes. Um, in fact, I` OK, yep, we get it. Jeez, who pushed his button? There's no reason to get so hot under the collar. (GUFFAWS) (WHEEZES) Hot... under the collar. Oh, that's just good wordplay right there. (HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE) Yes. Yes, I thought I'd inject a bit of humour into the proceedings. You know, just to lighten the mood. After all, I wouldn't want you all to get... (CLEARS THROAT) hot under the collar. (LAUGHS) Said it again there. (CLAPS ALONE, LAUGHS) I mean, maybe it's the heat making me delirious, but where does he get this stuff? Huh? Please don't encourage him, Fridge. Item two ` earthquakes. Well, more of an urban myth, really. Hardly worth a mention, if you ask me. A couple of Nervous Nellies just reporting a few rumblings. It's probably their tummies! (LAUGHS) Oh, nothing to worry about. (RUMBLING) (YELPS) (GRUNTS) If we don't take it seriously, Dennis, someone is going to get hurt! Oh, come on! Harry's just naturally wobbly. Aren't you, Harry? (CHUCKLES) Right, let's move on, eh? Item three ` cicadas. Now, there seems to be quite a few more of them out there this year. And it's starting to freak me out. (FUNKY SYNTH BASS) Good thing we filled the paddling pool before the hose ban, eh? (LAUGHS) Why would they ban hoses? It seems very hose-ist. Um, I think the issue is the water that comes out of the hose. (GASPS) Riley's a hose-ist! Guys! Look! (CICADAS CHIRP, CHILDREN GASP) Cicadas! Uh, they're like insects... that can fly. Flying insects! (GASPS) They're so alien. I love them! I wonder why there are so many. I suggest we leave. Because I know how this is going to go. Tane will say something,... We need to tell someone about this! ...then when it's my turn to talk, there'll be a cicada in my hair. Is there a cicada in my hair, Riley? There are seven. Ah! Of course there are. (CLEARS THROAT) (SCREAMS) Oh, you should have heard them, Mum! The laughter! It was like a` like a tsunami of hilarity. (CHAIR CREAKS FLATULENTLY) It was intoxicating, I tell ya! That fridge kid was really LOLing. The full LOL. You know what that means? Laughing out loud! He was picking up what I was laying down, Mum, as they say. (LAUGHS) 'Hot under the collar,' that's what I said! (SIGHS) Still makes me laugh every time I think of it. (CHAIR CREAKS) And I came up with it, so... SCOTTISH ACCENT: Ugh, I'm coming up with somethin' right now. Gross, Mum. You know, I had them in the palm of my hand. I relieved their misery. (SIGHS) I wish someone would put me out of my misery. You know what? I'll happily put you out of your misery, Mum. Right now, with the gift of comedy. And, it won't just stop at you, oh no. I'm going to take it to the world! Ugh. (CICADAS CHIRP) Well, that escalated quickly. Comedy stylings? Oh, I hope he's doing prop comedy! That's a crowd-pleaser, OK? Hey, look! Twigs, eh? Uh... Hey, the funny thing about branches is, uh,... something about sticking around. Uh... Sticking around! Stick-ing around! (LAUGHS MANICALLY) They stick around! Ah! Oh, I'm quite good. (SIGHS) How many this time? About 12. Yeah, 12. (SHRIEKS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (WINGS FLAP) Now, what did the Tasman Sea say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing! They just waved. (LAUGHS) Yeah, maybe if I actually wave when I say that it'd be funnier. Wa` They waved, and I'll wave. Oh, double` double whammy there! So, how have ticket sales been? The tickets are free, Dennis. Ooh, free! Well that's an alluring price! So how many free tickets have we sold, then? Two. Ho ho, two! That's good, that's good. So, if we add to that the two that I've already bought for me and Mother, what does that come to? Um... two. I want a refund. One. Oh, what? You're the super-duper PR person! And you can't get this island to come to a free comedy gala? Featuring me, the much-loved mayor. I mean, come on! You got them to vote for a prehistoric lizard man. Oh. I agreed to have the open microphone because you suggested it. What have we done? I thought it might bring a few more punters in, not to mention they'd all be terrible and make me seem funnier than I already am. Oh, this is a disaster. Or maybe` Maybe they want a solo show. Yeah, that` that could be it. Maybe they just want more of me! Doubtful, but I know a way we can get people to attend. (CACKLES) Ooh! (HAMMERING) What's he got you doing this time, Mr Slab? Dennis wanted me to install a heat pump. Indeed I did! And I told him to crank it up to super cool, just like me. Pump out the heat, pump in the cool. (GRUMBLES) (HEAT PUMP STARTS WHIRRING) Come on in! Oh. This is awesome! True, son, it is! Air-conditioning is one of the many things that separates us from the animals. Something that makes man stride over the landscape like` Sorry, Jack. No time for one of your trademark monologues, these kids need to get out there and help promote this very cool event. Oh, what?! Do we have to? There's nothing wrong with helping out once in a while, Tane. Oh, I appreciate your volunteering, Jack! Yes, siree! Once word gets out, things are really going to start heating up. (HEAT PUMP WHIRRS) (OMINOUS STRING MUSIC) (WINGS FLAP) (HEAT PUMP WHIRRS) (FANS WHIRR) I can't stand it! I'm overheating. Maybe it's the new baby's smouldering good looks? (CHUCKLES) Wonder where he gets those, huh? Hm? Or maybe it's just full of hot air! Well, maybe we should head down to Dennis' comedy show? He's had air conditioning installed. (GASPS) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAMS) Huh? Huh. Pretty fast for a pregnant lady. (PEN SCRATCHES) Guys, you've gotta check this out. Choice! I love surprise reveals. Especially if it's a buffet meal! Ooh, I'm all anxious about the surprise buffet, Riley! (INHALES SHARPLY) Re-veal! Ugh, well, I'm not eating that! It's a nymph's shell. A` A nym` A niffs` I can't even say it. What is it? Dad, care to explain? I'd love to. You see, cicadas begin life underground as nymphs, then they crawl out, attach themselves to a tree, and moult their skins. Kaboom. My brother moults. Mum buys him a special shampoo. Ew, gross, that's dandruff. This type of moulting means that they break out of their skins, like aliens! Isn't that right, Dad? Precisely, Riley! Apart from the alien bit. But then they emerge as adults! Yeah, pretty cool. What do they do that? Because the alien` Ooh, sorry, cicada ` I mean cicada ` has grown too big inside. BOTH: Science! (STAMMERS) Hold on! So you're saying this huge, scary as cicada crawled out of there because it's bigger than this?! (GASPS) Um, yes. Tane has a point. Tane, he's noticed your point. Put it away! The extreme heat is causing mutations, cicadas control their temperature by evaporative cooling, analogous to sweating in mammals. Hmm. Yeah, I can't translate that. He lost me. The hotter it gets, the angrier these big guys are going to get. Well, we should warn everyone! They're all at that comedy stylings thing. Come on, then! Let's go, kids! (CICADAS CHIRP) (OMINOUS STRING MUSIC) (GASPS) Cree-py! (WHIMPERS) (BUZZING) (WHIMPERS) (FARTS) (SILENCE) (DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC) (LOUD BUZZING) You kids go back inside, where it's safe! I'm gonna warn everyone. Yes, thanks! I would like my bacon fried! What? In a pan! I don't` I can't hear you over the noise. I don't understand what you're doing, pointing at a pan? What are you nodding your head for? We'll stay here! (CHAIR WHEELS SQUEAK) Ah, this is the way to do it, just sit back, let the professionals take care of everything. No stress, no life-or-death adventures, no heroics. Huh, I suppose it does make a nice change. Riley, your dad says the hotter it gets, the angrier they'll be, right? He did. W-Well, it's getting hotter. And quickly too! Well, the temperature shouldn't be increasing that quickly. I mean, not on its own, anyway. (GASPS) The heat pump! It's pumping heating out! We need to shut it down before the cicadas get all aggro! Hey! Wait for me! (PLAYFUL MUSIC) They won't notice if I don't go, right? Yeah, they'll be fine. Ugh. Ugh. All right! I'm coming. (HEAT PUMP WHIRRS) (LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY) And another thing you gotta ask yourself, people ` why do we put all our trust in government? If I wanted a bunch of incoherent, irrational, squabbling, doofuses controlling my life, I would have had children! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Yeah, you know, you know... Oh! Well that's quite biting. Not sure this is the right crowd for that sort of humour. Hey, and don't get me started on local council! How does one even become a mayor? Do you have to go to mayor school? (CHUCKLES) Do you have to apply for a consent, then wait three months before you can sit at your desk? (GUFFAWS) Mayor school, get it? Mayor school! I don't know who he's getting at there, but people seem to be laughing. Should they be laughing? That wasn't the plan. Not to worry, Dennis. Every good comic has a warm-up act. You want them in the... right mood. You want them... laugh-ready. (CACKLES) (AUDIENCE CHEERS IN BACKGROUND) Ooh. Bit creepy. But that does make sense. If they're laughing now, well, I imagine they'll burst some blood vessels when I'm up there! Yes! In fact you should probably get a medic ready. (LAUGHS) (CICADAS CHIRP) (OMINOUS STRING MUSIC) (BUZZING, WINGS FLAP) Well, this is terrifying. Shh! We have to be quiet. (INTENSE MUSIC) Uh-oh. One of them has crawled up into my cabbage patch. OK, firstly, ew. Secondly, just stay calm. Everything will be fine. No it won't, Riley, I'm about to ruin this. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) (ALL YELL) I can barely see! Ah! Just keep moving! (LOUD FLAPPING, BUZZING) Gidday, folks. I hope you're all having a safe and responsible afternoon. Oh, great, who invited the fun police? (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) Yeah. Now, now, Officer Bacon, I was invited by Mayor Dennis Gobb. Oh, bit of a shout-out, there! Mayor! Hah, more like nightmare! (GIGGLES) (LAUGHTER) Am I right folks? Oh, they all get it! Yeah. Oh! Great wordplay! But that's not cool. (LAUGHS) Hey, he's quite good. Oof. Is it getting colder in here? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (CICADAS BUZZ, CHIRP) I think I can see the town hall! (LOUD BUZZING) Whoa! It's got me. It's got me! They're getting too strong! (YELLS) This is working because I'm strong, OK? Not because... you know. (GASPS) No! What is it?! It's my dad's bike! (HEAT PUMP WHIRRS) All right, folks, I think you'll all agree that's quite enough of the amateur portion of the show. Dennis, I think the air conditioning is set a little cold. Oh, don't worry, Kiri! I think you'll find things are about to warm up in here ` comedically. (SCOFFS) Great (!) Jack, it's freezing in here, can you do something? Unless you want your baby to be born part-snowman. (ALL LAUGH) Hey, that isn't a joke! All right, folks! Without further adieu, it's time for the main act! The moment, and the man you've all been waiting for. Me! (HEAT PUMP WHIRRS) Right, starting with some observational humour. (CLEARS THROAT) You know what the hardest thing is about being mayor? HIGH VOICE: Er, no, I don't know! GRUFF VOICE: Dennis, what is the hardest thing about being mayor? The annual cost reports! (CHUCKLES) (CICADAS CHIRP) Oh, ha ha ha, a cricket noise. Well, I'll have you know that actually sounded more like a cicada. So if that was you, I'm sorry, you stuffed up. OK, well, if that's what you want. Time for the more risque material. Right. Risque, risque. OK! (LAUGHS) Oh, watch out. Here we go! How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed? (SIGHS) It's freezing in here! No, but, actually, that's not too bad. That's quite close. The punchline is, 'You'll wake up wet!' (LAUGHS) Good, isn't it? (FOREBODING STRING MUSIC) Dennis, this is ridiculous. I'm turning off the heat pump. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Cicadas! (INTENSE BUZZING) Whoa! Jack! (WINGS FLAP) Whoa! Dad! They're probably taking him the same place as my dad! We'll have to go after him! Fridge, you'll have to turn off the heat pump. You've got this, Fridge. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) What just happened?! I can't do this! It's all very sudden. I'm feeling a touch faint. No, Fridge! You can do this! (CAN RATTLES, HISSES) They're in my hair! So, uh, Curtis, how is everything? Not bad. Today is pretty weird. Cicada invasion. It's a first. Well, speaking as a scientist, this is not the common behaviour of the Magicicada cassinii. Must be due to the mutation or gross biological ignorance. Thoughts, Jack? Uh... TANE: Hey! Huh? RILEY: Dad! Dad! Dad! Tane! Over here, son. (GASPS) Dad! (GAGS) Ew! You're covered in cicada snot. Actually, it's viscous colloid, produced by the goblet cells in the cicada` Got it. Now, hurry up, and get us out of this cicada snot. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Who's got bare feet? I've got bare feet. Unsafe bare feet. Real fast, hard feet. Er, buttons. Huh, which button now? This one? I'm freaking out now! (WHIMPERS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) Whoa! (SIGHS) When in doubt... close your eyes! (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (WHIRRING INTENSIFIES) (YELPS) (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) (WHOOSH!) (WHOOSH!) (GRUNTING) (HISSING) Well, you can't say I don't know how to... warm up a crowd. (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH) I've gotta say, if that's comedy, I've nailed it. It's actually quite easy. I'm almost bored of it. (FUNKY SYNTH BASS) Almost done, Mr Slab! Look. Look at that! Actually, don't, keep working. You did good, bro! Aw, thanks mate. That's a lot of dead bugs! It's like we've found the alien nest, and they're all sleeping, and just when you think you're safe... Rawr! (LAUGHS) You guys were all, like. '(WHIMPERS) Oh no!' (RUMBLING) (DEEP ANIMAL GROWL) Cicada! Cicada! (THROATY ROAR) (TENSE MUSIC) What do we do? What do we do?! Fridge, have you got any of that insect spray? I've got a whole bag full. Such a bargain. Throw it to me! (CICADA ROARS) Tane, kick it! (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (CICADA ROARS) No! My rainbow-sparkle backpack! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Right in the back of the throat. Nothing happened! Give it a moment. Once the gas mixes with the stomach acid, it should... (STOMACH GRUMBLES) (BOOM!) (SPLAT!) (SQUEAK!) Yep. Kaboom. Yuck! That's gross as. (RETCHES) I think I'm going to vomit. Well, if you do, Mr Slab will clean it up! (GRUMBLES) Almost done Mr Slab! Whoo-hoo! ROBOT VOICE: # Bandits. # (FUNKY MUSIC) Captions by John Gibbs. Edited by Ingrid Lauder. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017