* (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) RAPS: # On a tiny little island at the bottom of the world, there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet? # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around, # they know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? # So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street, like... # ...we're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. # Where's those bare feet? 10-toed bare feet. # Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # STRAINED: Tane pushed me. So, what I'm seeing in my mind is just something, you know, grand. You know, something that will welcome all the visitors to our fair island. Right here. Like a carved wooden archway made up of our native flora and fauna? Well, I was sort of thinking more of a statue of me, waving like this. But as always, Jack, your ideas are a thing of beauty ` full of power and grace... and sense. (LOUD RUMBLING) Oh, here we go. Dennis, these tremors are starting to get more frequent. Have you contacted someone about it yet? Priorities, Jack. It's on the list, but it's just below 'Ngaro welcome sign'. And, of course, the Dennis Gobb commemorative cycle track, as I did compete in the Tour de France. Let's not forget that, Jack. How could I? (SIGHS) We're not here to listen to me raving on about my achievements. You were saying something about an archway? I was saying` (FOGHORN BLARES) (EERIE MUSIC) What a beautiful singing voice, Jack. Bit of a bass-baritone, aren't ya? I'm more of a tenor, myself. I'll give you a sample. (CLEARS THROAT) (SCREAMS) That's not singing, Dennis. That's just screaming. Look! Oh! (EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES) Ferry doesn't normally run this late. Oh, maybe it's OK. I tell you what it might be ` it might be that Lycra one-piece I ordered. Fingers crossed. (RAMP CLUNKS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (SCREAMS) No way! Really? It said 'blood bus'? It did. Ugh! Gross! Freaky! But it was just a normal bus. Dennis screaming made it seem more dramatic. (LAUGHS) You had me going there for a minute, Jack. How could a bus be made out of blood? I mean, it's not even structurally sound. Ooh! What's for dinner? Tuna surprise. Ooh, exciting. What's the surprise? Oh, I can't remember if I put tuna in it. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Well, you have got a lot on your mind. (SIGHS) (GROANS) Maybe I should look after the cooking so you can concentrate on growing that baby of ours. (GASPS) I put tuna in the apple crumble. N-Nothing a little ice cream can't fix. We're still getting dessert, right? Unfortunately, yes. Mmm. (CHOMPS) Actually, to be honest, this is one of her better efforts. It has no flavour at all. No problem. Always come prepared. Aniseed, chilli, dill, curry powder, garam masala, garlic, five-spice. (CHUCKLES) But, really, who uses five-spice? It's just a space-filler. Am I right, people? Fridge. Yes, Jack. I'll take the curry powder. All mum can think about is the baby, and dad, well, all he can think about is mum... and the baby. I feel invisible as. (GRUNTS) Just remember, you're gonna be a big brother. And also being invisible ` it's a pretty awesome superpower. (CHILDREN CHATTER) OK, class. We've got a special treat for you today. Phew! Sorry I'm late. I almost forgot. (CHUCKLES) CHILDREN: Yay! HIGH-PITCHED: He'd forget his brain if he had one. (SQUEAK! SQUEAK!) (LAUGHTER) Yeah, all right. Har de har, everyone. (CHUCKLES) This guy, eh? I told you to keep the insults to a minimum while we're working. HIGH-PITCHED: Oh! (CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah. Funny joke. Oh, um, Officer Rodge, I'm sorry. I thought someone had called the station. Um, we don't need you. Well, I need you. Not like that. Unless you want it to be like that. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) But, um, yeah. We've got someone else for a special presentation today. (BEEPING, ENGINE HUMS) (EERIE MUSIC) (GASPS) The blood bus. (AIR HISSES) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Hello, boys and girls! Hey, that's my thing that I say. (PANTS) Hello, new guy. My name is Mr Renwick, and I'd like to introduce you to a very special friend of mine. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) It's Varney, the vampire bat! (CHILDREN CHEER) I'm obsessed with vampires! Have you ever read Kissing Vampires? The only thing that can kill them is if they stop kissing. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) (SCOFFS) Another idiotic puppet show. Great (!) Sebastian! You march yourself right back to the classroom and put the naughty bonnet on. Oh no! I'm gonna miss out on this educational puppet show. What a shame (!) What did one vampire bat say to the other vampire bat? Let's go out for a bite. (CHILDREN LAUGH) HIGH-PITCHED: Well, that's straight out of the 1001 Bat Jokes joke book. This guy's a hack! Ooh! I remember when I was at school like you kids. The first thing I learnt was the alpha-bat. (LAUGHTER) I'm killing myself. How do bats fly without bumping into anything? They use their wing mirrors! (LAUGHTER) FRIDGE: Oh my gosh! Oh! Oh, I should be writing this down. (LAUGHTER) Oh! Are you taking notes, Tane? Oh, who's got a pencil? (SIGHS) Come on, mate. We're not needed here. (CHUCKLES) OK, but in all seriousness. Look, we're here to talk about... ...blood. Blood! Ooh, how I love blood. Yes, that's right. Varney loves blood because he needs it to stay alive. Mm. In fact, we all need blood to stay alive, and that's why we're here on the island ` to provide blood tests, to take blood donations, and to let you know your blood type if you're unsure. It's a very important thing to know. I want to test your blood! (CHUCKLES) That's what we want! OK, who wants to go first? (CHEERING) (FUNKY MUSIC) It's so tiny. I can't believe they figured all of that out from such a little drop of my blood. So, I'm O for ordinary. Stink, eh? No, Tane, you're a universal donor. That means you can pretty much give blood to everyone. It's cool! Oh, choice! O for oh yeah! (CHUCKLES) I always knew there was something special about me. AB Positive. The rarest blood type. The same blood that filled the veins of the crown heads of Europe. Royal blood. Well,... you're a royal something. (LAUGHS) I don't understand it, bro. Usually you're super scared of needles. Yeah, you can barely say noodles, because it sounds too much like needles. When the blood of kings courses through your body, bravery reigns supreme, Riley. What are you guys doing here? I need to get some blood tests. Always good for an expectant mum to keep an eye on herself medically. Mm. And the baby. SWEETLY: The baby. Dad. Daaad. Dad! What is it, son? Why are you here? You're not having a baby. No, son. I'm donating blood. But you hate needles! I used to hate needles too, until I discovered my royal heritage. Egg. Royal egg. Faberge egg. Is anyone else suddenly hungry? I just feel this new-found sense of responsibility. I think it's because I'm going to be a father. Uh, you're already a father. Ah, a father again. Yes. You know what I mean. Again. Blood is the most precious gift that anyone can give to another person. The gift of life. A decision to donate your blood can save a life. Well said. Wow! That's inspiring, Jack. You know, if you were to write a book, I would buy said book and I would quote from it, as if I was you talking from... But it's me. (STAMMERS) I would quote it pretending to be you. Cos, you know, I'd bought the book, so I'm now being... Being you. You gonna write a book or...? Ooh, ooh, ooh. How does a vampire get into his house? Through the bat flap. (LAUGHS) (HEARTY LAUGHTER) (SIGHS) What entertainment value does she see in him that I don't have? HIGH-PITCHED: A blonde head of hair, confidence, a face that doesn't have a moustache. Dramatic exit. I don't have anywhere to go. Maybe... maybe I'll go left. (HEARTY LAUGHTER) He said through the bat flap. What? What are you laughing at? The joke was terrible. (LAUGHS) I don't know, but everyone else seems to find it pretty funny, eh? (DISTORTED LAUGHTER) (EERIE MUSIC) (DISTORTED LAUGHTER) Hey, they are all laughing ` more than they should be. That's weird. Maybe we all just need a good laugh, bro. Or maybe you're all under mind control! That Renwick dork has everyone hypnotised. That's it! There she goes, leaping to far-fetched extremes. Why does it always have to be mind control? Can't you just accept my royal lineage? Well, that would explain why everyone's forgotten they're afraid of needles. and that's why my parents keep forgetting I exist. Yes. Yeah, (STAMMERS) that'll be why. Mm. We need to talk to someone who's an expert on mind control! My mum? Someone who understands the complex mind of a villain. I'm lost. Who are we talking about now? Your king demands to know. Tell your king. (OMINOUS MUSIC) OK, past the others. It's the last cell. Stay to the middle. Don't approach the glass. WHISPERS: And tell him Sylvia says 'hi'. And if he's in need of a shoulder massage, I'll be there in a lizard heartbeat. (UNSETTLING MUSIC) Hello, children. What an unexpected and... delightful surprise. Oh, Mr Rex, sir. We need to talk to you about mind control. Why, yes. (CHUCKLES) Yes. While it is true that I tried to use my hypnotic mind control in order to pave the way for my reptilian brothers and sisters to flood out the bowels of the earth and enslave you all, those days are far, far behind me. Enslave us? Eh? Oh, wow, I don't remember that bit. All thanks... to this little guy. Look at him shivering. Is it from the cold, Mr Doodles? (SQUEAKS) Not a day goes by that I don't think about eating him, but I don't, because I'm a changed lizard. But, Mr Rex, sir, we just need to know how it works. How did you hypnotise everyone? Oh, that was simple. For me, it was the mask. I presented a friendly face to you all, and you lapped it up like hungry pigs at the trough. You fell for it like the simple-minded fools you are! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) But, in summary, I'm a good guy now. Friendly face... (GASPS) That's it! When it comes to that level of mind control, you could be dealing with one of three things ` a prehistoric lizard person ` like myself ` a vampire or a real estate agent. (SCREAMS) A real estate agent! It's gotta be vampires. The blood, the vampire bat... That's it! Mr Renwick is using the vampire bat puppet to control everyone. Why doesn't it work on me, then? Unfortunately, it doesn't work quite as well... (TAPS) ...through glass. Cool. I'm impervious to his powers! Riley Scott, vampire blocker. (ROARS) We have to get our hands on that puppet and expose that Mr Renwick fulla before it's too late. Yes, before every tiny-minded fool on this pathetic little island is drained of every drop of their precious blood. (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) (CLEARS THROAT) I mean, hurry, children, before it's too late. (FUNKY MUSIC) (LEAVES RUSTLE) It's a simple job ` get in, grab the bat and get out. Uh, (CHUCKLES) Tane, this is feeling a lot like a burglary. Yes, this hardly befits my new royal status. No, we have to get in there so that my parents will see that I'm just as important as giving blood, just as important as the new baby, and, uh, to save everyone, of course. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Talk about issues. Shh! Come on! Let's just get that puppet and then we'll be the ones pulling the strings. Oh no, I am not stealing a puppet and pulling strings. Not two things in one day, thank you very much. Let's get that bat! * My favourite part is when Quincy asks Britney to marry him, and she says no, then he hypnotises her, and she says yes! Oh! So romantic. (CHUCKLES) You're quite the vampire fan, aren't you? It's in my blood. (BOTH GASP, CHUCKLE) HIGH-PITCHED: You just gotta face facts, Bucko. There's another puppeteer in her life now. (GROANS) I guess you're right. Hang on. Puppeteer... He's never in the bus with the puppet, so how's he working it? There's someone else working the puppet! HIGH-PITCHED: There's someone else working the puppet! Well, yeah, I've just said that, and you've gone and said the same thing again, and it makes me feel like you're not listening when you do that, OK? So let's get this done. (FUNKY MUSIC) WHISPERS: Whoa, this wasn't what I was expecting at all. Yeah, it has a very old-world vibe about it. Old-world, super-creepy, let's-get-out-of-here vibe. Shall we leave? Ah, um, for once, I'm in complete agreement with Fridge. Maybe we should vacate the place. Let's go. WHISPERS: OK, right after we grab the bat. (GASPS) It looks so lifelike. Ugh! It feels weird. Must be, like, latex rubber or something. You pick it up. No, you pick it up. No, you pick it up. Guys... I'm not picking it up. You pick it up. This is your idea. You pick it up. Guys... I had the idea, so I shouldn't be the one to pick it up. Oh, that makes no sense. You should pick it up. No. SCREAMS: Guys! Can you guys see this? Holy! That's creepy! Yeah, we should leave. (PANTS) (GROANS) (GASPS) Welcome, children. (CHILDREN SCREAM) I see you've fallen into my little trap. A simple wedge driven between a child and his parents was all that I needed to lure you both here on a foolhardy mission, bringing with you exactly what I desire ` delicious Fridge, with his AB positive blood ` the blood of kings. You see, all along, you thought I was the puppet, but in all truth, I was the puppet master! (LAUGHS) Eh? That all seems complicated as. Why didn't you just grab Fridge and drink his blood? Yeah, why didn't you just`? Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Tane! Because a vampire can't come into our homes uninvited, but if we come into his home... That puts you on the menu! All right, enough of the monologuing. Let's get on with the running, the chasing, the screaming and the drinking... of the blood. (CHILDREN SCREAM) (PANTS) (SCREAMS) Save my blood! Save my precious blood! (ALL PANT) (GASPS) Blood bus is a perfect disguise, and I have access to an endless supply of blood, and no need for all that messy business ` all the biting and the blood-sucking. But, every so often, I do like to go old-school. Especially when I discover a nice, rare blood type. (PANTS) Jeez, Count Talkula really does like the sound of his own voice, doesn't he? Shh! (TAPS) A-ha! (TENSE MUSIC) I have a little joke for you. Why are vampires like false teeth? Cos they come out at night. (LAUGHS) (BOTH GIGGLE) Come out at night. Don't laugh. You'll give us away. Oh, what's the matter, children? You used to find my jokes so funny. I'm trying to be the perfect host here. I've invited you for a night of laughs, adventure, and a little bite. Little bite. (BOTH GIGGLE) It's not funny. It's not funny. It's not funny! You can run, children, but you cannot hide, for I can smell your fear. Bro, did you fart? Oh, I've done more than that, Tane. (DOOR CLATTERS) A-ha! (CHILDREN SCREAM) Dinner is served. (ALL WHIMPER) Fridge, your spice rack! What?! Garlic. Vampires don't like garlic. Ahh! (SPLUTTERS) Oh, guys, I think I'm out of garlic. (GASPS) Five-spice. Oh! Curry powder. Dill. (SNIFFS) Oh! Nutmeg! (SIZZLING) I'm extremely allergic to nutmeg! (GRUNTS, GROANS) (DOOR THUDS) Ooh, that hurts. Hello, boys and girls! I would've gotten here sooner, but I lost a contact lens. I figured out that the bat was a... (GROANS) Not a... Not a puppet. So I thought... (COUGHS, RETCHES) Oh, I'm too late, aren't I? Yeah, don't worry, Officer Rodge. We got this. (GASPS) Are you kids OK? Yeah, we're fine. Ohhh, now that Officer Rodge has saved us! Y-Yes. Yes! You're our hero. Whoo. (FUNKY MUSIC) Let me guess, a bunch of playful scamps uncovered your evil plot. Yes, I'm sad to say that's exactly what happened. Same thing happened to me, my nocturnal friend. But I've learnt to deal with it. I'm a good guy now. Isn't that right, Mr Doodles? Mr Doodles? Oh, isn't he just so delicious. That's what I'm always telling him. (SQUEAKS) Do you like jokes? Ooh, I love a good joke. Oh good. Knock knock. Who's there? Iguana. Iguana who? Iguana drink your blood. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) Oh yes. Iguana. Iguana drink your... because I'm a lizard. Varney, I think this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship. Yes, I do. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (FUNKY MUSIC) Right, I'm ready. Now, is it on? (CLEARS THROAT) (FEEDBACK WHINES) Two, two, two. OK, good afternoon, folks. Welcome to this very prestigious awards ceremony. It's wonderful to be here, as usual, up in front of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (SIGHS) When you're serving a monster, you're always second-best to his evil plans. Never a 'thank you'. Never a 'job well done'. Oh, you don't know what it's like. Actually, I do. I used to work for a prehistoric lizard man from the dawn of time. Really? Yeah, really. Right. (CLEARS THROAT) For heroic duties in the face of a.... vampire attack. Ugh. I present the Ngaro hero medal to Officer Rodge. There you go. Put that with all the others there. (SIGHS LONGINGLY) HIGH-PITCHED: Oh, I see you've made these out of filthy old bottle caps. That's nice (!) I did! You're not wrong! I'm actually a bit of a whiz with a hot glue gun and a bit of glitter. Officer Rodge told me what really happened. My son faced off against a vampire. Not many fathers can say that. I'm proud of you, Tane. I know things have been a bit crazy with the baby coming, but I just want you to know you'll always be my number one son. (SIGHS) This pleases the king. It pleases him muchly. Now, bring me my feast! (FUNKY MUSIC) Captions by Chelsea Thoresen. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018