NIGEL LATTA: When we first fall in love, it's all about romantic dinners and loving gazes, but then over time as you inevitably reveal more and more to each other, we find out the other stuff. In the early days, it's the small things, like finding out they're a really bad winner. As we start to feel more and more comfortable and let down our guard, the real secrets start to come out. Later you might make a child, and then you have to discuss whether they should have junk food for breakfast or only healthy stuff. But the one thing we hardly ever talk about and one of the main reasons relationships break up is money. It could be a problem if one likes to save... (CLATTERING) ...and the other one is more interesting in spending. Knowing your own money personality is an important first step, but what happens when your money personality has to deal with somebody else's money personality? Delete. How can we make sure money doesn't blow up our relationship? Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 We've used scientific studies and our own research and discovered four key money personalities. The Power Spender, who reacts to money in an emotional way and gets a dopamine hit from buying stuff. For the Security Saver, money can make them feel safe. They're more likely to have put something away for a rainy day. The Sociable Sharer uses money to have a good time with people. They're the kind of person you want as your best mate. And the Freedom Seeker sees money as a way to independence. For them, it's all about having new experiences. But what happens when our money personalities go on a date? Do we like a tightwad or someone that loves to spend up large? Here's a question for you ` is saving sexy? You're probably thinking, 'No, not really,' but we're gonna put that to the test in a little experiment that we call Save the Date. Sophie, welcome to Save the Date. How it works ` pretty simple ` I'm gonna show you 12 profiles of blokes; just say whether you would save that date or delete them. Yup? Yup. OK. So let's start with Luke. (WHOOSH!) I'll probably save. Save him. I would save. He's quite attractive, and he said something about saving, so that's quite attractive to me, because I like to spend. What our daters didn't realise is that while they thought they were looking at normal dating profiles, we've hidden secret saving and spending behaviours in the descriptions. We want to see who's more dateable and more attractive ` our secret savers or the hidden spenders, like Matthew. The clues in his profile that he's into spending is the expensive hobby and all the eating out. Mm, sorry, Matthew. He looks a bit cocky. Poor choice of profile photo. (CHUCKLES GENTLY) Perhaps. Probably delete. Why's Jack gone? He said something about the sneakers ` just sounded a bit different to me. The sneaker collection is a spender trait. Oliver. Delete. Delete. Another spender. The 'beer connoisseur' and the 'I love tech and have all the latest toys'. Probably give him a miss. (WHOOSH!) Tom... '...is a saver.' Save. Save. He seems really outdoorsy and fun,... and he wouldn't save all his money, and he wouldn't spend it all as well. I think he'd be balanced. Kinda middle ground. Yeah, yeah. Delete. Why would you delete Garret? The thing for designer clothes, yeah. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Only two guys are picked by all the women. Luke and Tom are both savers. Out of all the blokes the girls chose, two thirds are savers. What do you think it is about the savers that you found more attractive? He has more plan for the future, not just, like, all about spending the money. I guess I don't want someone super spontaneous that will just spend their money and then maybe regret it later, because they just bought something on an impulse and don't have money to spend for things that really matter. Probably because I quite like to spend, so it's attractive to me when I have somebody that can provide for me. It seems for women, saving is sexy. Is it the same now the men get to choose? I'd have to say save. She loves indoors and the quiet days, so so do I. Cool. Right. Good. Delete. Here's a spender... I love shopping as well. A good fancy dinner's really good. I'll definitely save her. ...and another. Probably delete ` doesn't seem very genuine. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (CHUCKLES) Delete. Isabelle is a saver. I will save her. That's important to you ` the saver? Absolutely. (WHOOSH!) Another saver. Save. Only one person is picked by everyone ` Isabelle, the saver, and in fact, all the boys picked more savers than spenders. Whaddaya think it is about the savers that were more attractive to you? They had plans. Nothing short-term ` they're planning out their lives. That's something that's real responsible and something you should look for in a person. What makes the saver more attractive to you? She knows a lot more about saving money than I do. Overall, three-quarters of the people picked more savers than spenders. It's definite ` saving is sexy. But what happens if you end up in a relationship with a spender, like my TV wife did? Have you seen this? It's a stuffed sloth, and it's only $99. No. It turns out there's a very simple test you can do to see if you're in a relationship with a financial opposite. God, I mean, look at his little sloth face! One person always asks if they can buy something, and the other person says yes or no. If that's the case, you're probably in a spender-saver relationship. Don't you think we need one of these? No, I'm positive. (SIGHS) Given studies have shown that most of us end up in relationships with our financial opposite, how does that work out in the real world? (CURIOUS MUSIC) (FEEDBACK WHINES) You would think, given three-quarters of us live in saver-spender relationships, that getting someone to talk about that would be easy, but because money is a bit of taboo subject, it's been very difficult. So instead, we bring you the story of a saver-spender relationship told from the perspective of the saver. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Toutai. (PENSIVE MUSIC) She was somebody that I love, somebody that I cared for, somebody that I trusted. However, things got tense. She started spending quite a bit. We had our conflict. We had our differences. How would I know that she was gonna spend all my credit card,... all of my cash flow? I tried my best to continue this relationship, cos I really love this woman, but things just got worse for me financially. I was in debt ` $54,000. (CHUCKLES DRILY) I just had to leave her. And looking back,... I know what not to do the next time round. Thank you. You think that if you guys had had that money conversation at the beginning, that it would've ended differently? Yeah, yeah. Well, it was just one of those ones where... you're madly in love with someone and you kinda let them get away with a few things until you realise it's too late. In our house, we got around the inevitable spender-saver conflict by setting up separate 'do whatever you want' accounts. How it works is that each year, we allocate an amount into both accounts, and you're free to spend it on whatever you want. My wife spends hers on frivolous and silly things, but I spend mine on considered, essential, practical stuff,... God, I mean, look at his little sloth face! ...which is all very well, but what about if you've got two spenders? What about if everybody wants to buy stuff and there's no one to put on the brakes? What happens then? I got some free tickets to a pet expo. We came out with a 2 grand dog. (CHEERFUL THEME MUSIC) (JINGLING) (IDYLLIC ACOUSTIC MUSIC) (BIRDS CAW) Do you and your partner have the same approach to money? I'd say we have the same approach. We talk about money, but it's not, like, that much. I don't feel comfortable talkin' about it. She's probably much more cautious. Um, no. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) First date ` I offered to pay and said that I had a voucher that I could use, and far from being horrified, she was actually impressed that I was thinking ahead. (CURIOUS MUSIC) Conflict around money is a big cause of relationship problems, and the biggest problem is financial infidelity. Now, that might sound quite racy, but... what it actually means is lying about money or hiding stuff ` sometimes literally ` from your partner. One survey found that a third of all couples kept secrets about their spending from each other. Jassey, how's it going? I think you know what time it is. Rory, Marta, how you doing? (SOFT RUMBLING) Paul and Hayley, welcome to For Richer or Poorer. (JAZZY NOTE) Let's go. (APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING) All right, so it's time for our first question of the night. Do you know exactly how much the other person earns? (CHUCKLES) What did you say? Ha ha! (LAUGHS) Huh. OK. All right. When you purchase something, do you ever round it down when you tell your partner how much it cost? And so yes for the both of you. Hayley, what do you round down? A lotta things. (BOTH GIGGLE) Nope. Yeah, you do. Yup. Are you a`? At least he's aware of it. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Do you? Oh, sometimes, like, you'll buy something, and it'll be priced in USD, so I'll just say the US-dollar amount instead of the New-Zealand-dollar amount. (LAUGHS) Oh. (CHUCKLES) Interesting. So, Paul, you essentially commit currency fraud by saying it's in American dollars but not specifying that so it sounds less. (BOTH LAUGH) Yeah. All right, and now we're stepping up a gear. Have you ever hidden a purchase from your partner? (CURIOUS MUSIC) Mm-hm. Now it's startin' to come out. What's the`? Yeah. What's the purchase that you've hidden? LAUGHS: It's not just one! Yeah. Jassey, what have you hidden? A gift ` so when I'm buying a gift either for her birthday or an anniversary. Oh, right. So it was actually a present for Hayley; it was something nice. That's nice! This is nice. (BOTH CHUCKLE GENTLY) What's the agreed amount for a joint purchase that you both need to consult on? OK, so pretty accurate ` like, about $200. Huh. OK. (CHUCKLES GENTLY) How much was your haircut? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) $250. LAUGHS: Oh! And our final question for the night ` what's the sneakiest thing that you've ever done with money? (CHUCKLES GENTLY) Whoa. So there is... (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (LAUGHS) So, Paul, you bought bitcoin, and Hayley kept donating money to a good cause. (BOTH LAUGH) Yeah. The guide dogs. It's important to understand our money personality and talk to our partners about their money personality to see if we're financially compatible, because when it comes to the chemistry of relationships, understanding what you're mixing with what can help you to avoid stuff like this. (GURGLING) This explosive reaction might just take place if you put two Power Spenders together, and that's exactly the case for our next couple. They didn't wanna spill their secrets on camera, so we've got actors saying the very real words of our Power Spender couple. I've always loved spending, which has its upsides and downsides. We're just as bad as each other, really ` no one putting the breaks on. We fight about money I spend and the money she spends. Like, what were we thinking with Ruffian? I got some free tickets to a pet expo, and though neither had ever talked about getting a dog, we came out with a 2 grand dog. There's a weird thing when you have two Power Spenders together. Whenever I'm thinking should or shouldn't I buy something, I always picture Dean buying whatever he wants. It can be a bit of an arms race. She just got a really expensive handbag. I'm gonna get a new subwoofer. Never mind that's twice as much. Then I start thinking about this tallboy that I want, which is twice as much as the subwoofer. I've always got a high from buying music. I like buying rare vinyl. She would always hassle me every time I came home with new stuff, so I started getting courier packages sent to work, and I'd sneak them inside. I know all about the records, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't know about... OK, this is a big confession. He thinks I earn a 100 bucks less than I actually do. I put the $100 into a secret bank account. Oh my God. That sounds pretty bad when I say it out loud. There is actually quite a big conflict. We both think the other is spending too much and that we should cut back, but no one's got the moral high ground to change anything. But we do have a good time. We have heaps of adventures; we've got really nice stuff, but we live pay cheque to pay cheque, which we shouldn't really be doing. We're both on pretty OK salaries. We just don't save. The last time we went on holiday, it was all on the credit card. We just can't seem to save anything. Somehow, needing a new couch ` it was on sale ` seems really important at the time. I hate to think how much money we've spent on stuff. Oh well. This new ring was totally worth it. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) After the break ` what happens when two savers get together? And in your household, if everyone pulling their financial weight? MAN: I definitely look after the savings. She touches it; I ask why. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (JINGLING) (CHEERFUL THEME MUSIC) What I love about Nova is we make getting great value easy. Ashley, you're right. We're more than just Dawn Ocking and... ...Pam Flets! When people call us, we make their Bill! Easy. We make it easy to Joy Nup. Whether it's April, May, June... ...or the first... ...Dave Spring. So when you need energy to cook Stu! Mo. ...the lawn or manufacture... Polly! Esther. Socks. Great value made easy is our priority number... BOTH: Juan! * Hannah and Caleb are a couple of Security Savers, and their desire to save money saw them deciding to build themselves a tiny house. Our electricity is a lot less. We're able to pay less for internet; we pay less for the utilities. And the awesome thing is, we don't have space to go to the shop and just buy junk to fill every kind of shelf and windowsill. It's definitely helped us save a lot more, eh? Yeah, definitely. Hannah and Caleb are saving, on average, a massive 60% to 70% of their income. But doesn't this mean the super-saving couple are missing out on actually living a fun life. We don't force ourselves to go without anything. We just place a higher value on being able to put the money aside and use it for other things at a later date, eh. Yep. I think seeing the savings grow is definitely pretty exciting for us. When your money personalities are both the same in a relationship, does it lead to conflict or harmony? We've never argued about you spending too much money on this, or I want to spend money on this and you're not letting me, so I think we're really kinda lucky, in that regard. We've kind of always understood that if the other person had spent money, it was because of something that they kind of really valued or something, so we've kind of always respected it, eh. Yeah. The last, and almost first time, we ever really argued about money was actually Caleb saying that I spent too much money cos I went out for lunch at work ` twice in the same week. (LAUGHS) Hannah and Caleb, apart from the two-lunch incident, seem to have a relationship where the way they use money seems fair and equal. But how do we feel when things are unfair? I'm gonna try and experiment with a brother and sister. I wanna pay you guys for doing a little bit of work, yeah? BOTH: Yeah. OK. So, Eva, could you pass me a blue block? Nice. Blue block. First job done. So you get... $5. Thank you. Good job. Will, could you pass me a blue block? Nice. Blue block. Just the same. You get, uh,... 50c. What?! Yeah, yeah. Eva, could you pass me a red block? No. I need $5. Nice. Nice. Just gotta your sister. What? No. Here you go. Here's your $5. Will was upset about the unfairness of this experiment. We're hardwired to hate unfairness. So much so that Eva decided to fix the problem herself by sharing half her money with her brother. In almost all situations, we like equality and fairness. The problem is, that in relationships, it's almost never financially equal. So what do we do when one person feels like they're contributing more financially ` do we sort it out like Will and Eva? Or does it lead to conflict? Dean works full-time in construction while Carrie-Ann's job is just two hours a fortnight. She spends most of her time looking after their two kids. How do you guys manage money in your house? I'm the money man. Yeah. I definitely, uh, look after the savings. Look at what money comes in, what money goes out. If she touches it, I ask why. (CHUCKLES) I don't feel like I do really spend that much ` not compared to what I used to in the UK. Like, I definitely, spent pretty much all my wage. But then we didn't have kids, so it was my own money, whereas now we share money. So we have one bank account that all our money goes into, and we do have to be mindful of what each other spends. The fact that Carrie-Ann no longer brings in much money amplifies problems in their money personalities. She spend as much, and he doesn't get to save as much. I'm probably cautious about it because, you know, I do want the best for everyone. Um, and I certainly don't want to be left short and not be able to do things that I want us to do. So I sort of think long-term. Like I think if we can get to a certain point in savings, then that allows us to do this, this and this. Whereas Carrie-Ann's probably more the here and now. How would each of you describe your financial contribution to the relationship? So I feel like Dean does` Obviously, we need Dean, cos Dean is the main earner. But I feel like I do contribute, but I can't really do any more. I think my thing is, day care is so expensive, and I don't wanna spend my whole wage paying a day care just to earn it back. I'd rather be at home with my kids. So I feel like I am contributing, and being a parent, like, I am working as well at home. What's the worth of Carrie-Ann's work? We outsourced everything she does to companies ` Where are we gonna go today? BOY: To the park. To the park. OK. looking after the children, doing the cleaning, doing the ironing and doing the cooking. How much does Dean think it would cost to actually pay for all the work that Carrie-Ann does? Hmm. Good question. Cleaning, washing, drying. Food. Kids. In fact ` a week ` it was... And in fact, that works out to $142,220... per year. We should swap jobs. (BOTH CHUCKLE) So, is that stuff` Like, that's a lot of money, right? 142 grand. That's a lot of money. Yeah. Heaps. I'm surprised it's that much. But, yeah, I'm quite happy it's that much. (LAUGHS) I'm surprised it's that much. It's a lot of money. One of the common conflicts that people have over money is this idea of asymmetry ` that one person feels like they're bringing in more money, and so they feel like they should have more of a say, and then that kind of builds up, just resentment and frustration all around. Given that you now know that you're both effectively bringing in the same amount, does that make you feel... kind of more symmetrical, in terms of the amount that you contribute financially to the family? Yeah, I think it's a new face now. Like, you know, hearing about the chef and the driver and the PA and all that sort of stuff probably does bring it home a little bit. If it's any consolation, right now all around the country, there will be a whole bunch of blokes sitting there, being lectured by their partners, going, 'See, I told you. Actually, I do a lot.' Money might be complicated, but managing money in relationships is actually pretty simple. The single most important thing that you need to do is talk to each other, and then keep talking to each other. There are going to be good and bad aspects of your money personalities, so spend some time figuring out what they are, and then consciously use that information to make a plan that's going to get you both where you want to go. Captions by Able. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018