Rose, Laura, congratulations. Against all our expectations and despite all our efforts, you've been given another season of Funny Girls. We're very excited to give a voice to women on TV. Well, that is nice to hear. Listen, ladies, you don't need to impress us; it's us. We just want this show to reach a wider demographic, not just women. We already know women love the show. Why are you doing air quotes around that? Well, they have to say they love it, don't they? But we're a little worried about this guy. A dude piloting a drone while shotgunning a beer and smoking a durry? You should be worried about that guy. He looks not well. Exactly. But what does this guy think of the show Funny Girls? I dunno. He's probably one of those guys who's, like, 'Oh, Funny Girls? 'Oh, that's an ironic name, cos they're actually unfunny girls.' Oh, so you know Kev? He's a great guy. Yeah, I set him up with my sister. We're gonna go pig hunting. The point is, we need you to convince us that you're gonna have some stuff in the show that will appeal to boys like Kev. You know, just give the boys a go for once. Come on! This one time. Yeah, just for once. What about me? What about the boys? We missed out. Overdue ` long overdue. One more time for the boys. OK, so you're saying in a sketch show called Funny Girls, maybe we should have halfway through, Kev or someone like Kev come in and just, like, pop an ollie, and then DJ. But he only plays The Summer of '69, just that song on a constant loop. Is that what you're saying? Go on. I was joking. We could do a hot-dog-eating competition. Laura. Mm. There's something in that. There's something in that. Yeah. What about just a little picture of Dave Grohl? Go to the fillies. He was in Nirvana. Yeah, just in the corner of the screen throughout the whole show, just a little picture of Dave Grohl. Oh, it's so cute. He'll smile at you. ALL: Aw. Yeah. Tractor Sluts ` they work on the farm by day, and they fuck whoever they want by night. OK, I like this, but I don't wanna slut shame tractors. Not after last time. OK. What about a sexy kebab with women's legs, and she's tottering around on little high heels? And, you know, she's got falafels as boobs. And you don't know whether or not you wanna have sex with her or eat her. It's confusing, isn't it? It is confusing. I don't know whether I'm hungry or horny. I'm hung-orny! (ALL LAUGH) Hung-orny! OK. All right. All right. I think that you've got us convinced. This is gonna be the best season of Funny Boys yet. Funny Girls. Yes, you are. Good luck for the shoot, girls. We will see you at the wrap party. Can you guys not come to that again? Yeah, that's right. What a smart wee cookie. Don't. (CHUCKLES) Wow. Season three of Funny Boys. Funny Girls! Yes, you are! (SIGHS) We should have called it Tit Time. Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018. (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Producer on set. (SIGHS) Ooh. Ooh, sorry. Quite nauseous this morning. I've been having the weirdest cravings. Citrus. You know, oranges, mandarins, lemons. Limes, kumquats. Yeah, we know what citrus means. OK, well, I am cravings because I am pregnant. Oh my God. Congratulations. Thank you. We're gonna have a little baby on set. Yeah. That is so amazing, Pauline. How far along are you? Well, I had unprotected sex last night. So about 12 hours. OK. So you don't know if you're pregnant for sure. Oh, no, I know. I've been told by several doctors that I have a very fruitful womb. You've only got one kid, though. Yeah. And that was the last time that I forgot, as they say, to take my hat to a sex rodeo and put it on before I mounted the horse. There is a saying like that. Who has said that ever? I've heard someone say it. OK. Well, Pauline, chances are you're probably not pregnant. If I went around making an announcement that I was pregnant after every time I'd had sex, I would have had to make, like, three announcements last week. Yes! Ew. And I would have had to make an announcement that I'm in the first stage of my five-year plan of seducing a barista who thinks my name is Rise. Well, I am pregnant. But you don't have to keep it a secret for long, cos I'm just about to email the entire office with the subject header, 'Pauline is pregnant` Don't do that. No. '...definitely, absolutely, fruitful womb. 'Attention ` fruitful womb; pregnant, pregnant Pauline.' So thank you for your cynicism, Rose and Laura (!) Is this still the subject title? Oh, no, don't eat raw fish. That's bad for the baby. She's not pregnant. I am pregnant. And I'll eat what I like. Well, that's my sushi. Well, OK, but you brought it to set, so it's our sushi, Rose, OK? Come on. Sharing is caring. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. (LAUGHS) Are you serious? I mean, did winning that case mean I successfully fulfilled my five-year plan? Yes, it did. Was that your question? (LAUGHS) So good! That's so good. I can't believe it! Oh my God. Excuse me. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) I love it. Dean, how are you doing? Maya. Hey, congratulations on the Patterson appeal. Thanks. (CHUCKLES) Now, have you met the Bride of Frankenstein? Oh, come on, Dean. You don't introduce a woman by saying who she's married to. Men, right? No, that's my name. Yeah, but you're obviously so much more than that. It's not like you were designed in a lab to fulfil the needs of being a monster's wife. (CHUCKLES) No, it's exactly that. But you can call me The Bride if you want. Or technically, the Bride of Frankenstein's Monster. (LAUGHS) That's true. No, no, no. No, no, sorry ` I don't wanna pigeonhole you by your marital role. Maya, you're embarrassing yourself. You're right. You're right. I'm so sorry. It's fine. It happens all the time. Right. Um, anyway, so, the Bride of Frankenstein, what do you do? Well, I was a women's rights lawyer. That's amazing. But now I just do what my husband needs, really. I'm sorry. So you gave up work for your husband, and your husband went to work? What, could his fragile little man brain not handle a woman in the workplace? Yeah, Maya. Maya. No, no, no. She needs to hear this. You do not have to look after him like that. You should be` Maya. The Bride's husband's paraplegic. That's why she has to look after him. He was burned alive by an angry mob of people. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS) (LIFT BELL DINGS) Hey, babe. I'll, um... I'll see myself out. Sorry. It's all right. (SIGHS) Hi. I'm just picking up a package for my boss. Sure. What's his name? It's a her. I'm so sorry. I didn't to assume that... (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding. His name's Daryl. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Maybe one day! (LAUGHS) Here. (BOTH LAUGH) (SIGHS) Yeah. (PEN CLICKS) (PEN CLICKS) Maybe one day. (ELECTRO MUSIC) (GASPS) Who are you? I am the angel Gabrielle. And I carry with me good news. God has chosen you to carry his only son, Jesus. What? What do you mean? Through holy immaculate conception, you are now pregnant with the son of God, our Lord, Jesus Christ. Without my consent? Well,... yeah. Yeah, I guess. But,... you know, it's God. (ANGELIC MUSIC) It sounds like rape. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't be throwing the R word around. You know, that could really stick with him. Well, to be fair, he shouldn't be going around getting 14-year-old girls pregnant in their sleep. Oh, yeah, look, I... I see your point, and I am on your side. But, you know, maybe you could just take one for the team here. You're pregnant already, and it really does go against policy for me to take it back, so you would be doing me a solid. OK. But I'm gonna make sure that everyone knows this happened without my consent. Deal. No one's gonna believe you anyway, so... (ANGELIC MUSIC) (SIGHS) (ELECTRO MUSIC) Every mum knows that a healthy kid is a messy kid and an active kid is a dirty kid. But every busy mum knows she can't waste time scrubbing stains. Introducing our toughest stain remover yet. Because a mum with free time is a happy` Who the fuck are you? Brent. What are you doing in this ad? If you go near those kids, I'll call the cops. No, this is my house, and those are my kids. Oh, God, sorry. Well, don't worry about the washing. We can come back when your wife's home? No, it's fine. I can do the washing. Um, OK (!) It's not that weird. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. With special antioxidant stain remover` Don't mix the colours. I know. Your whites will be whiter than ever` Cold wash. I'm aware. This is not my first time doing a load of washing. Divorced? What? No. What? I'm a stay-at-home dad. Oh. Have you got a mental illness, like burnout? No, it just makes more sense. My wife earns more money than I do, and I enjoy spending time with my kids. Why is that so hard to understand? It's depression, isn't it? It's not depress`! Let us do the hard work for you, so you can enjoy time with the family. Who's that? Oh, it's an ad voiceover who's weirdly misogynistic. Big surprise ` the stay-at-home dad is a feminist. (SIGHS) The all-new Fresh Oxi, for busy mums and dads. I mean, I would just assume she wouldn't wanna miss her kids growing up and he wouldn't wanna be emasculated. BOTH: Fuck off! Sorry, baby. I mean, fudge ` fudge off. Look. Look ` SpongeBob. # Oh yeah. # Oh, oh, oh, yeah. # Funny Girls. # (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) OK, shoot, shag, marry. The main car from Cars; and hear me out on this next one, keep an open mind ` your dad. Rose, I actually want to talk to you about something serious. Syria? Because no one's talking about it any more. It's on the news` No. I want to be your abortion friend. You want to perform my abortion? No, I wanna take you to your abortion, wait with you while you have your pregnancy terminated. Right. That is so sweet, Laura. That's, like, the next level of our friendship. Yeah, I know. It goes friends, best friends, abortion friends. God, I'm kind of gutted I'm not actually pregnant now, so we couldn't, like, reach that level. Yeah. Well, if you ever need someone to take you, I would love to be that person. Sorry. Why are you assuming that I would get rid of it? Like, I could want a baby. I mean, it's you. It's Rose. Yeah. You know, you got that... energy about you. That's unfair. And you know what? I could be a mum. I would be a great mum. OK. What would you name your kid? I dunno. Something traditional, like Aloysius. Gender-neutral. It's a family name. When need Laura on set now. Yeah. You know what? I'm actually gonna have a baby just to spite you. And Rose, just one quick thing. Yeah. WHISPERS: If you ever need someone to, you know, take you to an abortion, I'm happy to` Why are you involved now? Oh` Have you been talking to Laura? No, no, no, no. You know, you got that,... (SNIFFS) you know, like you might get an abortion of something. I just wanna be there. I smell? What? I've already got dibs on that. So... Oh, OK. No, fair enough. I don't wanna` Ready to go at any time, Rose. Yeah. Great. Me too. Ready to go, any time, with you, Rose. (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) (SNIFFS) (ELECTRO MUSIC) (TINKLY MUSIC) And finally, a great big bowl of porridge for my great big Papa Bear. Mmm. (CHUCKLES) Argh! Oh! Ew! Too hot. Well, of course it's hot ` it's straight from the pot. Right. Let's all go for a nice walk while this cools. I think you should eat your porridge now. Baby bear is very hungry. Mine's just right, Papa. Well, mine isn't. OK, Dan, you're being unreasonable. (SCOFFS) I'm not gonna eat scalding hot porridge. Fine. You can eat mine, then, you big wuss. No. Yours is always too cold. And whose fault is that? (GROANS) Do you think I enjoy eating cold porridge every morning? (TUTS) I'm too busy cooking for you and baby bear to eat my own goddam porridge! Want mine, Mama? Mine is just right. (SOBS) (SIGHS) I'm sorry, Helen. (SOBS) I'm sorry I snapped. Work's been tough lately. But that's no excuse ` I shouldn't take it out on you. God, you know, sometimes I don't like the bear that I'm becoming. I don't wanna be like my father ` too hard. (SNIFFLES) (SIGHS) You know, maybe we should look at not sleeping in separate beds. I miss you at night. I don't think I'm ready for that. (SNIFFLES) Especially not since` (SCOFFS) I told you ` she meant nothing to me. I was a different bear back then. Look, I don't want to talk about this in front of the B-A-B-Y-B-E-A-R. (SOBS) (SNIFFLES) Dan, who the fuck is that girl? What girl? The blonde bitch who's sleeping in Baby Bear's bed! Tell me. Just tell me. I'm get a motel. (SOBS) (SOBS) (SOBS) You've torn this family apart! (SOBS) (ELECTRO MUSIC) (TRAFFIC WHOOSHES) (CHUCKLES) This is my jam! (LAUGHS) Do you want it? Oh, awesome. (CHUCKLES) You are a strong, confident, beautiful woman. You are brave. You are resilient. Sing it, sister! Preach it! Are you feeling it? Ooh! (CHUCKLES) Take it! You take it. I got it in me. Here we go. Yes! Feeling good today! Yeah! Whoo! Feeling positive! (CHUCKLES) (ELECTRO MUSIC) Looking pretty good. OK. We're just gonna rearrange a couple of ya. OK? OK? Hey, blondie, can I get you just to come to the end here? That's great. Looking good. Pigtails? Yeah. If I could just get you to come to the front here, that'd be lovely. OK. Cool. And I'll get Buck Teeth there and we'll get Four Eyes just to swap round, OK? Hurry along. Oops. Easy on. Easy on. Didn't bring your guide dog in today. OK. Hey, Flat Ass, can I just get you to go back to where you were before? Yeah. Oh, I think Uneven Breast and Pizza Face, you'll be great in the middle there. ITALIAN ACCENT: Just like Mama used to make it, huh? OK. OK. Could we get Masturbates While Thinking of the Hot Student Teacher just to swap round. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, girls. That's on me. I just mean you, sweetheart. Quickly now. All right, Fish Fingers, right there. OK. Looking pretty good, guys. Looking pretty good. Feeling good? Oh, sorry. Ashley, just come to the front here. Wait. How did you know my name is Ashley? I don't know. You just seem basic as shit, and I guessed. OK? Lovely. There we go. Isn't that better? All right. One, two, three. Big smile. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (ELECTRO MUSIC) (ANGELIC MUSIC) OK, let's be clear. You impregnated her before asking her permission? Well, yes. I mean, but I am God. You know, I just assumed she'd be up for it. We don't have a case here. Nuh. Nuh. I'm sorry. I don't understand what the big deal is. You know, in my day` Uh-uh-uh. OK. Enough of that. Here is the situation. OK? More women are coming forward. Who? Who has a problem with God? Well, Eve. Yeah? Ring a bell? She's come forwards saying that you forced her to be a garden naked with some man she hardly even knew. Oh, she knew him. She was one of his ribs. OK. Well, you don't have a good track record, yeah? The Bible is a nightmare. OK? There's so much stuff in here about women submitting to their husbands and being silent and just a lot of stonings. People like stonings. They're fun. It brings people together. OK. All right. You know, technically, I didn't even write that book. Oh, for God's sake, God. It's in your name. Argh! We'll just do what we always do, yeah? Release a statement to the press explaining that you feel bad, that it was a misunderstanding, no hard feelings. What if I bring back a mammoth or something? Then everyone gets excited about, 'Ooh, look, we've got a dinosaur back,' and they forget? What about instead of that,... I kill everyone and just send out another 40-day flood, you know? Wipe the slate clean. I don't think it's gonna be a good look to cause a devastating natural disaster days after you've just raped a teenage girl. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, let's not throw that word around. I mean, it was, though. Oh, absolutely. No question. Yeah. 100%. (SIGHS) Am I going to go to jail? Goodness, no. Very unlikely. Community service, tops. # Oh yeah. Oh, oh, oh yeah. # Funny Girls. # (KNOCK AT DOOR) Hello. Can I help you? Mrs Pleasance? That's me. (SINGS BASSLINE) ALL: # Your husband, Charlie, went off to war. # So you kissed him goodbye at the... ALL HARMONISE: # ...door. # He went off to fight for an... # ...excellent cause # while you stayed at home with your marriage on pause. # And we are sorry to bring some sad, sad news which could leaving you feeling quite... ALL HARMONISE: # ...blue. # He was shot down over... ALL: # ...the desert sands, lost in a far-off mysterious land. # But... ALL: # ...don't you worry. Don't you fret. # You probably thought that you... # ...lost him, we bet. # He was saved with only... # ...one broken arm and no other real... BASSILY: # ...significant harm. ALL HARMONISE: # Harm. # Oh, thank God. # Charlie is brave. # Charlie is strong. # And it's for him that we sing this here song. # He was shot in the leg near... ALL HARMONISE: # ...Germany. # Eh? # But luckily, it missed the main... # ...artery. # You're just stressing me out. # He didn't bleed out. He didn't die. # He didn't die. # He lived to tell the tale. # So happy. Sigh. (ALL HUM) # Next he was captured by... # ...Nazis. # What?! # But he fought his way out, # and soon he was free. # Oh, Jesus. # On the way to camp, Charlie tripped on a tree. # He fell on the ground, and he busted his knee. The worst thing is that Charlie hit his head. # And we're sorry to tell you that... BASSILY: # ...now he is dead. ALL HARMONISE: # Now your husband is # dead. # What? ALL: Have a good day, ma'am. (SOBS) Why? (WAILS) Oh God. (SOBS) (ELECTRO MUSIC) You are a week late on the deadline, and frankly, that's not good enough. (ZAP!) (BOOM!) People, listen! I come from the future with grave news! On June the 20th 2000` Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! La, la, la, la, la! I'm not up to there! Come on, man! Spoilers! You're gonna ruin it for us! Oh! Uh... What? (ELECTRO MUSIC) Tonight on The Panel ` have we found the cure to the plague? Bets have been placed as we prepare for the fight of the century. And we talk about the future of God. He may have been acquitted in the court of law, but in the court of public opinion, the jury's still out. Panel, your thoughts. Thanks for having me. I just wanna start by saying that as a god, I was appalled by his actions. And it's not all gods; some of us are good guys. Didn't you trick a woman into getting her pregnant by transforming into a swan? That was a unique situation. You also did it as a bull. You're taking that out of context. There was also something about golden rain? I am not the one on trial here. Can I just stay that I, personally, am sickened by these allegations. You know, it just goes to show, sometimes the bad guys are right under your nose. Go to hell. Yeah, well, actually, I am from hell. I live there. So nice insult, mate (!) Good one (!) Yeah. Look, as the only woman on this panel, I'd like to add` Sorry, that's actually all the time we have. Join us after the break, where we discuss ` should God keep his job? I'm just looking forward to putting this whole thing behind me and getting started on Jesus II. Hmm? (ELECTRO MUSIC) (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Oh, sorry. What are you doing? Practising my mum look. Girls, look who I have here. This is Charlie. Jesus, that was quick. I thought you only had sex last night. Oh, it's not mine. Ooh, not pregnant, actually. Turns out I still had my moon cup up there. But all sorted now. Took it out, washed it, replaced it ` back in business. Do you mean a diaphragm or a moon cup? Potato, po-tah-to. Sorry, Rose. Do you want me to take Charlie out? I know you don't like kids. OK. When did you hear that? I never said that. Just got a vibe. No. Wait. This is perfect. Rose, you should hold Charlie for a bit, and then we'll see if maybe you get more of a mum vibe. Mm. You guys are just haters. I'm gonna look perfectly comfortable with whatever this baby's name is. (WHIMPERS, GULPS) Are you constipated? No, I'm not constipated. She's been working really hard. Why don't we just take a photo, and we'll see how good of a mum I look like. It doesn't feel right. OK. Let's have a look. Let's have a look. Oh my God. I look like a monster. It's like an ogre stole a baby. You stay away from her. All right? You stay away from her. Wrap on the day! Ooh. Shit. I better take the baby back. I didn't tell Cameron I took her. If Pauline can be a mum, I can be a mum. I tell you what ` you could definitely be a shit mum. Do you mean that? Not a doubt in my mind. Thanks. Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018.