(POP MUSIC PLAYS) (UPBEAT UKULELE MUSIC) # Walking home in the middle of the night. # All alone, and there's no street lights. # I don't care, cos the moon is bright, # and the stars are shining. # Walking home through a public park. # The council won't pay for lights, so it's really dark. # I don't care, cos there's a song in my heart, # and it's a silver lining. # Had three drinks, so I couldn't drive my car. # Would have got an Uber, but my phone ran out of data. # I don't usually do this. - (BRANCH SNAPS) - Shit. What was that? (DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE) # Walking home. Got a smile on my face. # I've also got a can of mace. # Someone disappeared without a trace # in this very alley. # Walking home, and I pretend # to have a phone conversation with a fake boyfriend. # What's that, babe? You've got a gun, and you'll shoot anyone that tries to touch me? This guy! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) # Wanna hide the fact that I'm scared of being alone, # so try to look chill by putting on my headphones. # But there's no music playing! (MUSIC STOPS) # Nothing can bother me. # Whoa. # Holding on to my keys... # Whoa. # ...so tight my fingers bleed. # I'll gouge your eyes out. # Try me. I'll do it. # I'm feeling confident. # Whoa. # There's nobody round the bend. # Whoa. # I've forgotten self-defence. # But I've got hope. # I hope I don't get # mugged, murdered, or raped when I'm walking home. # When I'm walking home. # I hope I don't get # mugged, murdered, or raped when I'm walking home. # When I'm walking home. # It's not much to expect... # Whoa. # ...that I don't get kidnapped. # Whoa. # On the 10-minute walk # from the pub to my house. # I'm keeping up a steady pace... # Whoa. # ...in case I get chased. # Whoa. # I hope I don't get mugged, # murdered, or raped. # Oh! Ah! Stay away from me, you pervert. Back off! I've got a key! I've got a key. I'll frickin' kill you. Laura, it's me. Oh. Rose? Jeez, you gave me a heart attack. Why are you holding a key? I don't know. So I can kill a murder or poke their eyes out or... k-key their car. I thought that's what everyone does. No one does that. It's just a stu` Oh, no, I'm doing it right now. Mm. Do you wanna walk home together? Oh my God, yes. Let's do that. Whew. Oh my God, I already feel so much safer walking in a pair. Same. But we'd still be completely defenceless against a large group of men. Oh. (CHUCKLES) We'd be goners. # We hope we don't get # mugged, murdered, or raped by a group of guys, # a group of terrifying guys. # We hope we don't get # jumped, groped, stabbed, # or skinned alive... # ...by a murderer who skins women alive. # Nobody ever plans # to get yelled at by a passing van. Hey, ladies, where are you going? # But often that shit happens, and you just have to hope it doesn't. # We hope we don't get # mugged, murdered, or raped when we're walking home, # when we're all alone. # We hope we don't get # abducted at knifepoint and sold into trafficking. # That's a genuine fear we have with good reason. # (ALL PANT) (DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE) (BRANCH SNAPS, ALL SCREAM) I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die. Oh, it's a cat. ALL: Aww! (ALL SQUEAL, COO AT CAT) (BRANCH SNAPS, ALL SCREAM) (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) # Funny Girls. # Funny. Whoo! # Copyright Able 2018 (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) Do you know how I know the patriarch exists? Oh, here we go. These grapes right here ` full of seeds. Right? If we were guys, these would be seedless. There's no logic to that. No, there is. If we were dudes, they would have totally splashed out on seedless grapes. OK, on a scale of injustices, I'm pretty happy to let that one slide. No, but that's how they get you, Laura, right? They build it up ` tiny little things ` until suddenly your jeans have no pockets. My jeans have pockets. Oh my God. Mm-hm. I've never noticed that before. (PHONE CLATTERS) Shit. Why would you do that just after we discussed you not having pockets? I guess I just didn't want it to be true. Well, it is true, man. Wake up. The patriarchy is everywhere. Where? No, metaphorically. Sorta like how, when you're a girl, you always have to line up for the bathroom. and when you're a guy, you never have a line. Isn't that because I sit down when I pee, and if you're a guy, you can pee without taking your pants off. Exactly! But who designed those toilets and didn't give women more cubicles than men? The architect` The patriarchy. Patriarchy. Just the females I was looking for. Yeah, we have names. Ha ha. Very good. OK, here are your annual bonuses. I think you're gonna be pleasantly surprised. This is a voucher for one free hug. Redeemable whenever you like. What about money? Money? You can't hug money. Unless you put it inside a big pillowcase, and then you'd need a lot of it. Oh! Seeds. LAUGHS: When did we get grapes with seeds? It's a conspiracy. Going once. No. Going twice. No. Stay away. Do you wanna keep this voucher, or should I? I'll take it. No, it's fine. Cool. I'll... I mean, he gave it to me, so. It's hard to explain to them in that context. Thank you. Cheers. I totally understand it. As a woman of colour` Sorry, what? As a woman of colour. (SCOFFS) What colour are you? Cream. Like milk. OK, sorry, carry on. (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (WOMEN VOCALISE) # Give women the vote. Give women the vote. # Votey-vote, vote, vote, vote. # (ALL LAUGH) Oh, Mrs Banks, it is so wonderful that you are standing for this cause. Ellen, I'm no hero. I just want equality. Oh, and you're fighting for it, Mrs Banks. Those children of yours must be so proud. (CHUCKLES) CHILDREN: Mother! Oh! Children! Ooh! Oh my, you're all covered in soot. You wouldn't believe how much of an exciting day we've had. Mary Poppins is so wonderful. We love Mary. Oh, we 'love' her, do we? She took us to meet the chimney sweep today. Oh, golly. How fun. And she makes up words ` just silly words. Oh, I admire her so. I want to be just like her when I grow up. Well, Jane, Michael, you may not have seen much of me in the past year, but that's because every day I'm out there protesting with my brave colleagues, and I do it all for you. And not just you, Jane. I want both of you to grow up in a world where women are treated as equals by a government who listens to them. So that's why I stand every day, shoulder to shoulder, defiant, with these brave women in the hopes of inciting change. If not in my lifetime, then... perhaps in yours. Mary introduced us to a penguin. Oh, children, there you are. Mary! Oh, Mary. Lovely to see you. I was just telling the children all about the wonderful work I'm doing with the suffragette movement. Perhaps you would like to join me on a march one day. Oh. No. I'm not really fussed with all that business. I rather think a mother's place is at home with a family who loves her. Besides, who would look after the children? Well, let's get you cleaned up. I'll do that. Come along. CHILDREN: Yay! (SOMBRE MUSIC) # Oh. Yeah. # Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. # Funny girls. # (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) What'd you do that for, you dummy?! Ow! And then, bang, I smashed into it, and I just kept driving. Why didn't you bury it? Well, because I did that last time, and then I was picking out dirt from my fingernails for weeks. Girls, I've searching for the end of that cow in a china shop sketch, and I can't seem to find it. I think I've got one of those computer bees. Computer bug. Oh, that sounds awful. Well, maybe the bee and the bug will destroy each other. But in the meantime` Pauline, there's nothing wrong with your computer. That sketch doesn't have an ending on purpose. Oh. Avant-garde. No, it's a political statement. Ooh, OK, I got it. We won't rest until everyone says 'cow in a china shop' instead of bull. No. But that is a cause I would get behind, because it's weird that female cows are tr` Rose. The last 12% of that sketch does not exist, and that is to represent the 12% pay gap between men and women. It's a protest. Yeah. We didn't write the end of that sketch. Yeah, and if people wanna see the ending of that hilarious sketch, then they need to fix the pay gap. I love it. Down with the patriarchy. BOTH: Yes! Equal pay for women! Yes! But I will need to see the rest of that sketch. No! Pauline, this is an important issue. It is a sophisticated statement about the unequal treatment of women in society. It's bold. It's nuanced. (BELL RINGS) Ladies, we need you on set for Tractor Sluts. This is about empowerment. Girl power. Uh, do you girls wanna fluff your nipples now or on set? (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Tom, this is your final rose of the evening. Kayla. Kayla, will you accept this rose? Of course I will. I'm so sorry, Danni. You did not receive a rose. Please take a moment to say your goodbyes. I'm sorry. Nah, it's cool. (LAUGHS) It's cool. It's cool, man. Whatever, it's fine. Danni, I'm` Oh, far out. Crack-up, though, because I thought you were gonna... I thought it was gonna be me, but it's fine. It's fine. (CHUCKLES) Oh man, gutted, though. Gutted. Ooh. (LAUGHS) Oh, we're friends, right? We're mates. Mates, yeah. Bring it in, man. Bring it in. Hard, man, yeah. Shaka, bro, shaka. Yeah. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) It's really hot. (SOBS) It's really hot. It's been a bad year. SOBBING: This has been a bad year. It's fine. (SOBS) All right, oh, I gotta... head off now. So, just, yeah. Woo. Bros. (SOBS) (SOBS) I don't know when I'm gonna be able to see you. Thank you so much. (SOBS) Where is the exit?! (SOBS) Where is the exit?! Is this the never-ending curtain? (SOBS) Where is the opening? Oh God! (SOBS) (SCREAMS) Oh my gosh. I love you so much. I love you too, babe. Aw. Let's share this now. OK, sure. All right. Oh my goodness. Oh yeah. Posting to Facebook. (CELL PHONE DINGS) Oh my God. What? There's been another terrorist attack. Oh my goodness. This is so tragic. We're not gonna get nearly as many likes now. Just take it back. We'll do it again in a couple of days. It will get way more likes once this all cools down. Yeah, yeah, sure. No` No drama. Why do terrorists ruin everything? (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) # Eat lots of sugar every day. # (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) Oh, hello, Ms Poppins. I was just walking down the hallway, and I heard your wonderful singing. How are things going with the children? Gosh, I do miss them sometimes. I suppose they must be asking after me some days. Oh, no, Mrs Banks. They haven't asked once. I think they're perfectly happy. Yes, no, that's good. Good. Well, I suppose you're keeping them distracted, what, with all of these adventures I hear you're taking them on, with (CLEARS THROAT) this boyfriend of yours. Oh, Bert. He's not my boyfriend. Right, yes. Well, I suppose it must be hard to secure a man when you primarily work with children. Oh, Michael must have had his fencing lesson today, yes? That's Wednesdays. Right, right. Good. See` I can see. We switched that around from Tuesday to Wednesday, uh, due to availability. Sorta clashes there. Jane's dear friend Emily, she must be having a birthday coming up soon? Emily died of polio, Mrs Banks. Right. Oh. God, terrible disease, isn't it? (EXHALES) I must send her family a telegram. Just as I suspected. (GASPS) Well, I hope you're not judging me for my choices, Mary. I mean, you wouldn't have a job if I hadn't made those choices. And anyway, there is nothing wrong with fighting for the equal rights of men and women. I wouldn't worry, Mrs Banks. Know that the children will always love you. No matter how much time you choose to spend away from them. Well, Mary, I would love to see my children if they're still awake. They're not. MICHAEL: Mary, please come and tuck us in. I'm sorry, I have to go. (DOOR CREAKS) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh. Yeah. # Funny girls! (ROMANTIC MUSIC) OK, let's play 'what you'd spend your extra 12% pay gap on'. I'll go first. Um, OK, I'd either buy orthotics for my flat feet or Bluetooth headphones. No, wait, no. Bluetooth headphones. What about you? I would spend that extra money on Lotto tickets so I could make more money. No, OK, that doesn't seem like a wise decision. Well, don't tell me how to spend my money. OK, no, it just seems like a waste, right? You're already earning money. Don't gamble it away. OK, fine, I would buy a money-making machine. No, OK. None of this, like, 'wish for more wishes' thing. Don't fudge the hypo like you always do. Well, what do you want me to spend it on? (SIGHS) I dunno. Something physical. OK, um,... Oh, I'd get a castle. You can't buy a castle. What? Why not? The extra 12% would only be like an extra grand. It's just way too much. Yeah, and why can't I spend that on a castle? Because you can't buy a castle for $1000. Not outright, obviously. But it could go towards a deposit. Yeah, but even if you saved up the extra 12%, you still wouldn't have enough money to buy a castle. Not with that attitude, mate. Fine. Buy your silly castle. I will! And, hey, you can stay whenever you want. Oh, that's cool, actually. And if you're gonna stay at my castle, can I borrow your Bluetooth headphones? Nah. What? Is that cos it's hypothetical? No, just because I think I'm gonna go back to the orthotics. Oh. I have really bad feet. (GROANS) (CHURCH BELL RINGS, CHANTING) Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. ALL: Amen. Now, sisters, let us spend a few moments in silent prayer and reflection. Mother Superior, before we do, may I speak? Yes, Sister Margaret. Well, I have noticed many dirty dishes in the sink. I wondered if Sister Jane was so weighed down by the love of God that she was unable to put the dishes from the sink into the dishwasher. I apologise, Sister Margaret. I've not been sleeping well. It seems the passion of Christ is so heavy on Sister Margaret's shoulders, that it forces her footsteps to sound like that of elephants. Out of interest, in the bible, does it say, 'Speak at the highest pitch volume you can at all times?' I don't know. Will you be taking that condescending tone all the way up to heaven? Sisters, please. Let us not stray from the matters at hand. We are all living here together, trying our best to share our space peacefully. Now, let us pray quietly. Yes, Mother Superior. MUMBLES: Yes, Mother Superior. Sister Margaret! Sisters, tut, tut, tut. Now let us move forward with nothing but love and light. Uh, Mother Superior, if I may. Yes, Sister Theresa? It seems that keeping our thoughts to our self has become a mortal sin. I just wanted to know if your exorcism was successful. I do not know the exorcism of which you speak. My apologies, Mother Superior. I only assumed when I heard the screams and cries of Satan himself coming from your chamber shortly after Father Stevens entered it last night. Sounded like a really big exorcism. Lots of wailing like, (SCREAMS) (GAGS) (MOANS) Oh my God. Oh my God. Sort of like that. Yes, yes, yes, Sister. The demon has been vanquished. (CHUCKLES) Vanquished three times by my count. Sister Margaret! Four. (BREATHES HEAVILY) What was that, Mother? Four... the love of God in Heaven, let us pray. Ah. Bless you. (CHANTING) Good night, Mary! Oh, Mrs Banks. You startled me. I didn't see you there. Good night. I hope you had a lovely night with my children. A wonderful night, Mrs Banks. Hmm. And I suppose you went dancing with unicorns this time? Farm animals, actually. Oh, farm animals! Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. Farm animals. Cutesy-wutesy little farm animals. Well, how I would love to go frolicking with farm animals in a field. It's all fa-fa-fa-fa. So many F's in the sentence. Yes, well, good night, Mrs Banks. Cos you know what, Mary? I can't. (CHUCKLES) I work too hard every day. I'm out there laying my life on the line to make this world a better place for my children. Oh, and for what? For you to just swan in here and spend all your time with them, watch them grow. 'Oh, Mary, she's the fun one.' 'Oh, Mary, takes us` We jump into a chalk painting.' Your` Her bag goes on forever. 'Oh, her bag has got a million things in it.' Oh, that's not suspicious whatsoever. You think your life is hard, Mrs Banks? Try moving household to household, never really settling down, never really having a place to call your own. Try having a talking umbrella as your only true family member. And the doctor says my blood sugar levels are through the roof, so that can't be good. Well, how many milestones am I going to miss, Mary? Michael's first bike ride. Jane's first kiss. And for what? All of this fighting for equality, this working woman's image I'm trying to uphold. I'm beginning to think none of it is worth it! Well, do you know what? I can't have children! I'm barren! I'm so sorry. I didn't know, Mary. (CRIES) It's just so hard because I'm practically perfect in every way. Every way. Do you know how hard it is to keep up that sort of image? Oh, I know it is. (SOBS) Oh god. (SOBS) Oh goodness. (SOBS) Oh, I am so sorry I've treated you so poorly. And I am so sorry for sleeping with Mr Banks. I knew it! I knew it! Get out! (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) OK, would you rather be on a desert island with me or like a really cute dog? Hmm, can I eat the dog? No. Can I eat you? No. OK, the dog. OK. All right. What about this? Would you rather, like, have infinite money for five years. You can, like, blow it on whatever you like, but at the end of the five years, you die. Or just like live normally. You can save up for your retirement, but you never know when you're gonna die. Well, that depends. On what? On how I die. Like, if it was gonna be a painful death over those five years, then definitely the second option. OK, so in this scenario, it happens out of the blue. Like, you choke on some ham or you're decapitated. Scenario one for me. Always wanted to renovate my house. What? You're not gonna spend the last five years of your life renovating your house. I would. I've always wanted a kitchen island. It would be nice to tick that off before I kick the bucket. Pauline, you don't wanna stress about builders and all that mess. You wanna enjoy the last five years of your life. Yeah, and you've got infinite money. So you could just buy a new house with a kitchen island in it. Yeah, but why would I wanna bother with the pain of moving? Plus I love where I live. Yeah, but you could get a way better place, right? I mean, you could live in five-star hotels for the rest of your life. I don't know any five-star hotels locally with kitchen islands. Pauline, I cannot believe you're gonna spend the last five years of your life renovating your house. Well, consider yourselves uninvited to my house re-warming. It's a hypothetical situation. Nice one, Rose (!) You got us uninvited from the party. Her last house warming was off the hook. She had a house warming? No. You just said that she` Um. That she has great parties. Oh. (MUMBLES) You're having a stroke? No. (BELL RINGS) Back on the stage! Captions by Madison Batten and Antony Vlug. Www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018