(ROARS) All I'm saying is that if we're going to do shared lunch Fridays, we need to coordinate with everyone so we have an equal balance of sweet and savoury! Is that too much to ask?! OK, I appreciate the energy that you're bringing to this issue, but we might need to crank it down a notch, OK? Oh, don't worry. It's her time of the month. (GASPS) Oh, OK, and how long has this been happening, Rose? What is that? Oh, I need to keep track of these things. If I'm going to run a strong female workforce, I need to keep tabs on everyone's health and well-being to monitor productivity, so how heavy would you say your menstrual cycle` That is so messed up. What is this, 1984? Yeah, the establishment shouldn't know about what's going on in my body. Oh, looks like you're syncing up, girls. Laura, you're not too far behind. Oh, cute, we're syncing. Stop it! Are you doing this for the male employees as well? Oh, of course. Michael's IBS has been playing up, and Jeremy from props is experiencing a stress rash, given his recent divorce. Is Jeremy single? What purpose does this serve? Well, and please take this as best you can given your delicate situation, but you can be fairly aggressive mid cycle. (SCOFFS) That is completely unfair. OK, that is just some bullshit stereotype that has been invented by men to make women feel bad and crazy when they're on their periods, when really it's completely untrue; we're totally normal. (SIGHS) It's like a normal day. Rose. A normal... Your muffin. I'm a prisoner in my own body. (SOBS) Life sentence, baby. (CHUCKLES) (SOBS) Oh. Got a cramp. It's happening. (SOBS) It's happening. (SOBS) # Funny girls # Funny, whoo. # Funny girls! # Coming up next on the morning hour, we have the lovely Maggie, who's gonna be showing us this new sleek and stylish Baby Go pram. Welcome, Maggie. Thanks for having me, Beth. Now, is this the Baby Go pram right here? Yes, it is, Beth. Now, parents, are you sick and tired of having a pram that's just so hard to pop up and down? Oh, they can be difficult, can't they? Oh my goodness, all these levers and buttons. I mean, am I driving a spaceship or raising a family? Am I right? (LAUGHS) That's why we've designed the Baby Go pram ` a revolutionary new pram that makes it quick and easy to pop your pram up and down so you can stay on the go. Sounds too good to be true. So all you need to do is pop one of these levers down, and it pops down so easy and small. Pop it in any car boot or cupboard. Um. Oops. Oh, OK. Uh, that came off. Oh. (LAUGHS) Baby Go has a lot of other features, not just its compact design. We've also got drinks holders for you coffee mums in the morning. And a little groovy sunshade up here for when the bubba's getting a bit hot, but, again, it's all about the ease of the Baby Go pram. Its ergonomic design makes it small, easy and compact, so your baby can be comfortable and` and very, very` Ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh. (LAUGHS) Yeah, not now. Not now. Not now. Oh. And maybe we could see it just go up and down in light of time. Yes, I'm trying, Beth. OK. I'm trying. Yes. Uh, of course, it comes in five groovy different designs and colours as well, so... Right, thank you, Maggie. Now join us after the break, where we` No, I can do this! I'm an ambassador for the product, so I have to do it on the camera, so... Right, thank you, Maggie` I'm not done! I'm not done! This is` This is the showroom one. It's stupid. I'll just do this. Sorry, do you need a hand or...? No, just do this one. I can... OK, guys, we really need to get` You know what, I paid for my time, so... (LAUGHS) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Can you not` Who are you? You know, this just happens sometimes. Crazy. We can all relate, can't we? No, I paid for my time. I paid for my time. And Baby Go prams` (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Stop. Don't. Don't. No. Don't. Don't because, no` (SOBS) Because this isn't even my business. It's my husband's business, and we're not even together any more. I have so many prams to sell. Please. Baby Go prams. Can we get her some water. Get off. I don't know... I think that went quite well. (SOBS) I don't know how to put it down. It's OK. (SOBS) I don't know how to put it down. (SOBS) Get away! Hey, what do you think of my new T-shirt? (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES DRILY) It's pretty funny, right? Oh man, I saw it, and I just had to buy it. OK, let's get that smear test happening. Lie back. FBI. I'm coming in. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERS) (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) 4pm, what the heck? (CANNED LAUGHTER) Who turned off my alarm and... why are there chips everywhere? (CANNED LAUGHTER) And who smashed my mirror? (CANNED LAUGHTER) You're the worst roommate ever. (AUDIENCE CHEERS) I love you! Morning, Patricia. Remember, your friends have more fun when you're not with them. (CANNED LAUGHTER) Mild Depression. That's me. # She's a big city lawyer. She's the talk of the town. # But someone's moved in and turned her life around. # Now she's living with Mild Depression. # Yeah, she's living with Mild Depression. # It follows wherever she goes. # And tells her she looks awful in all of her clothes, # cos she's living with mild... # She's sleeping with mild... # She's eating, but not as much as usual. # Cos she's living with Mild Depression. # (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Mild Depression, help. Steve's gonna be here in a half hour, and everything in my wardrobe made me look like a high school relief teacher. (CANNED LAUGHTER) This is the worst. Is it the worst? Or is pain just a distraction on your journey back to the nothingness you once came from? (CANNED LAUGHTER) I don't know what's wrong with me. I've wanted to date Steve since, like, forever. Humph. I don't know why I'm feeling so much dread. (CANNED LAUGHTER) Maybe it's because you hate yourself and you find it repulsive when someone shows you even a hint of kindness? Gee, thanks, Mild Depression. Where would I be without you? Pursuing a career you actually want. (CANNED LAUGHTER) Oh golly. Do you think Steve would like it if I wore more make-up? I don't really think it matters. (CANNED LAUGHTER) Is one bottle enough for one face of make-up? How about instead of Steve coming over, you just eat butter and look at your high school art medals? (CANNED LAUGHTER) Hey, you, this is a big deal for me, OK? Gosh, I really don't wanna mess it up. I can't even remember the last time that someone came over for a date. AUDIENCE: Aw. Do you want me to be here with you? (GASPS) Really? Well, I would have to camouflage you somehow, but yes. Yes, Mild Depression. Please stay with me. Patricia, of course. I've been with you ever since you first realised your parents weren't sleeping in the same bedroom just because of your father's snoring. (CANNED LAUGHTER) Thanks, Mild Depression. AUDIENCE: Aw. I'm the only one that will ever stay with you. Cos everyone leaves. (CANNED LAUGHTER) # She's living with Mild Depression. # Someone's written the wrong 'there' in the script. I told them they should have let me proofread. (SCOFFS) Grammar Nazi. I am not. I just think rules are rules, and they should be carefully abided by or else you should be punished accordingly. Old Adolf Grammar over here. Doesn't even make sense. Oh, I'm sorry. Heil, Rose! That's a dab. Heil, Rose! That's just a dab with a Hitler moustache. Now you're a Heil Nazi. Don't get your theres wrong. Don't get your heils wrong. Rose Hitler. Don't white-wash me. She'll make you pay. Heil Rose! That's a Hunger Games salute. Is it? Yes. Really? Yes. Hunger Games Nazi? Look, you know what, I'm not any type. I'm not a grammar Nazi. I'm not a Heil Nazi. I'm not a Nazi, OK? Rose, can we get you on set, please? Laura, I just think that it's beneath you to be making all these Nazi jokes. This is different. It's satire. It's like a written sketch. Sketch Nazi. # Uh, yeah. Uh, uh, yeah. # Funny girls! # (CLAMOURING) Joan. Joan of Arc. I have a message for you from the king. The war is over, and Joan of Arc is a name that history will never forget. BOTH: Viva la France! (ALL CHEER) (PANTS) Mother, the war is over. France is free. I am so proud of you. Oh, history will remember you as a brave warrior. And hopefully one day as a mother. Mother, please. By the summons of God, I just defeated the English army. Is that not enough? Of course it is. And you will be remember for generations to come. That is assuming there will be generations to come? Mother, I do not have time to have children. Who's gonna raise them while I'm at war? I will look after them. Or you could just spend less time at war. And, sweet Joan, you're not getting any younger. (SCOFFS) Don't you scoff at me. You must be surrounded by men at war. Surely, one of them has caught your attention. Mother, I cannot be romantic with the men I command. I'm their leader, not their lover. I was summoned by God! Oh, God this, God that. You spend too much time talking about a man that's not even around. And why do you cut your hair so short? You know, people would think that you're a lesbian? For England! (SCREAMS) (YELLS) No, my daughter! Joan, no! He could've been single. (SIGHS) Would you get this. We just got an order for 10,000 sachets of Kool Aid. Wow. Where from? Somewhere called Jonestown. Jonestown. Huh. Well, send it off. And throw in a few free samples. Groovy. Thank you, Jim Jones. (CHUCKLES) Oh... my... God. Have you seen this? (GASPS) Did we invoice for that? No. (BOTH GROAN) # Living with Mild Depression. # So, Steve, do you like dogs? I told you three times already. I'm allergic to dogs. Oh, that is so interesting. Well, I sure hope that you like oil, because I like oil on everything. Oh, uh, oil is fine. You gotta be careful with that chilli oil, though. It's insanely spicy. Mmm! I'll tell you one oil I don't like. Crude oil. I read this article about Saudi Arabia, and I guess I could paraphrase it for you if you like. Great! Mild Depression, help. My mouth is on fire. Lucky you. Extreme physical pain is the last tool we have to remind us we can feel. Could this be going any worse? You could be dead. Which you will be eventually. Along with everyone you've ever loved. OK, I have an idea. Meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. Excuse me. Are you OK, Patricia? You look kinda pale. Psst. Mild Depression, you are doing great. Just say romantic stuff. No problemo. I can see us spending a long life together, Steve, where you never become comfortable with the fact that Patricia` Uh, I mean me. Makes more money than you do. (LAUGHS) Psst. I don't know what you're doing, Mild Depression, but it seems to be working. I feel like we've known each other for years. You and Patricia should get married and have children that grow to gradually ignore you. I mean, you and me should do that. Because I'm Patricia. I want this Patricia. I feel so alive. Let's make it official. Do you want to be my girlfriend? Oh, Mild Depression, please say yes. No. # She's living with Mild Depression. # And so NASA employees actually patrol the perimeter of the disk to make sure nobody strays off the edge and falls into space. Laura, how many times do I have to tell you you can't get your news from a website that ends in .net? Dismiss it if you like, Rose, but I actually like to think for myself, because my eyes are open. Laura, the Earth is not flat. Earth ` flat or round? Flat. Earth disk. It's not science. Look, I believe in science, which is real. Have you seen the Earth, though, not just in pictures but with your eyes from space? No, but how`? Then you don't know. You don't know. The Earth is not flat. Prove it. Fine, I will. OK, so the Earth is like this muffin. OK, round. It's got gravity pushing down on it from all sides or something. I dunno, but it's just` Oh, you mean the gravity pushes down on it like this? OK, well... OK. The Earth is more like this piece of bread, OK? And over time, it's kinda pushed down into this sorta roundish shape. Oh, you mean the Earth is like this flat piece of bread? OK, again I've chosen the wrong example. The Earth is like this apple, OK? The apple is round. It's always been round, and it always will be. Yeah? OK, if it's so round why does this apple not just roll away? Pauline, can you tell her that the Earth is round? Sure. Laura, the Earth is round. Thank you. And hollow. And the middle is filled with dinosaurs just like a Kinder Surprise. Oh! Yum. A bread ball. I love these. Mmm. Dinosaurs? # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # Funny girls! # Oh my God, so sad. What's wrong? You know Lockie from human resources? Yeah. He had a heart attack last night. What? Oh my God. His family is turning off the life support tonight. That's so sad. So sad. When's the funeral? I dunno. I'm guessing Friday. Wow. Of course I'll be there. Oh, it's gonna be so hard. I mean, I have just the dress. Wow, so young. It's tragic. I can't believe it. It's so sad. I was thinking of wearing this pant suit I have. It's classy, beautiful, just the right tone for a funeral. He was married, right? Shit, that's tragic. I don't get to wear it very often, though, cos it's kinda a bit formal for nights out, but this is a special occasion, so it'll be perfect. Oh my God, didn't he have a kid? That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. I'm gonna pop home at lunch and try it on with these shoes I just bought just to see if it goes. It was so sudden. So sudden. (SIGHS) It's just perfect for a funeral ` sleek, subtle. I was thinking a hat. I was thinking a hat! Gosh, life is fleeting, isn't it? You really have to live every day as if it's your last. I bought the hat. Oh, it's so good. God, his parents must be heartbroken. No parent should ever have to bury their child. He was so young. He had his whole future ahead of him. Are veils still in? Definitely. Oh my God, his brother's gonna be devastated. Oh, God, he was only 32 years old. Hair up, burgundy lip. Yes. Could have been either one of us. I'm gonna miss him so much. God, I hope no one's wearing my outfit. You should email the office to check. Yeah, already have. Oh, silver teardrop earrings? Can't believe there's gonna be an empty spot at his desk tomorrow. He did not deserve this. Oh my God, I have the perfect coat. When you see it, you'll just die. Guys, guys, it's a miracle! Lockie's gonna pull through. (LAUGHS) I'm gonna return the hat. Hmm. (SIGHS) And so then I said to her, 'Get out of my face.' Did you actually? Yeah. No, I didn't fully say 'back off', but I was thinking in my brain. Oh right, so what did you actually say? I think I said, 'Excuse me.' (POP MUSIC INTENSIFIES) Oh... my... God. You have to introduce me to that dog. Uh-huh, yep. Hi. Hello. Get the dog! Get the dog! Shut the door! Shut the door! Seriously? So, Beverly Hills Cop 2, Beverly Hills Cop 1, Beverly Hills Cop 3? Your top three movies are from the Beverly Hills Cop franchise? Yeah, but in an interesting order. (BELL RINGS) Oh. Titanic has to be an all-time favourite for me. Oh, I love it. So good. So good. Yeah, I've seen it, like, a million times. (SCOFFS) You haven't seen it a million times. (CHUCKLES) I've seen it a million times, yeah. OK, you can't have seen it a million times. It's literally not possible. It is. Do you know how old you'd have to be to see it a million times, Laura? Like, my age, because I've seen it a million times. OK, just admit it. You haven't seen it a million times. Well, I would, Rose, but that would be a lie, so... OK. Oh, OK, fine. Let's do the maths on that, then. OK, so, what, Titanic's three and a quarter hours long. Yeah. Sure, OK, so times by a million. Yeah, 3,250,000 hours. Sounds about right. So that's 135,416 days. Divide that by the amount of` OK, so 371 years. So you're saying you're 371 years old? I'm 371 years old, yes. Really, really? Yeah. OK, so even if you were 371 years old, you'd have to be watching it, like, every second of every day for your entire life, and you've obviously not been doing that. I have. You're not watching it right now. Because I've seen it a million times. OK, it wasn't even out 371 years ago, OK. Just admit it. Admit it that you haven't seen it a million times. OK, fine, I haven't seen it a million times. It's more like 100. Thank you. OK, that's all I wanted you to say. I'm sorry I got worked up. But I have seen Pretty Women a million times. I'm gonna quit the show. I'm gonna quit this show. Uh, now that I have literally heard you say a gazillion times. Well, it's true this time. OK, this is the final straw, so... Great to know you. Goodbye. Forever. Can you pack me up? Uh, yep. OK. Captions by Antony Vlug. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 MILD DEPRESSION: Thanks for the funding, New Zealand on Air. I'm working at a cafe now.