(MEOWS) (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) No` (HISSES) And then I dreamed that I was sitting on the toilet and I started peeing. And then, when I woke up` You'd wet the bed? No, when I woke up, I was sitting on the toilet. And what do you think it means? I think it meant that I needed to go pee. So you don't think dreams mean anything, then. Oh, sometimes. Why's that? Last night... WHISPERS: I had a sex dream about Rose. Really? Yeah, it was incredibly erotic. So, I'm in my office. I'm re-colour-coding the budget spreadsheet. Mm-hm. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, she's standing right behind. She's wearing this really smart black pant suit, really sexy stuff. Like, exactly what you're wearing right now? Yeah. And then she leans over my shoulder and she says, 'Hey, Pauline, 'looks like your below-the-line budget's all nicely balancing.' Is that, like, an innuendo? No. And then she put her hand on my hand... and we pressed 'save' together. And then we made aggressive love and finalised next week's casting schedule. Nice. What does it all mean, you know?! Relax, Pauline. Come on. Dreams don't mean anything. I have sex dreams all the time. Do you? Yes. I had a dream the other night where I took an extra from set home to my hotel room, and he was all like, 'Are we gonna talk about the movie?' And I was like, 'Do you want the role or not?' Hi, guys. Hey, Rose. Hey, Rose, do you think dreams mean anything? Ooh! Hell, yes! Oh, OK, so, I had this dream the other night that I was my own bath towel, and if I was gonna put myself in the wash, then it meant that I would die. And then ` get this ` the next morning, I woke up and it was raining. Ha! Buzzy. See you on set. (BELL RINGS) Holy shit, that was hot! (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) # Funny girls! # Funny. Whoo! # (GUN CLICKS) (OMINOUS MUSIC) (GASPS, WHIMPERS) Well, well, well. (WHIMPERS) We meet again. Though, this time, I have the upper hand. We've taken your whole family hostage. No! (GASPS) And at midnight tonight,... (CLICKS TONGUE) we slaughter them all. (GASPS, SOBS) (CHUCKLES) Unless,... you can answer this trigonometry question. You have 30 minutes. No calculators. No peeking at other people. Good luck. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS EVILLY) Well, thank God I learned that in fourth form. Come on! (SIGHS) God, I hate peeing in public. What if someone hears? Just make a noise ` cough or something. OK. (LOCK CLICKS) (BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY) Ooh, that burns! (BLOWS RASPBERRIES) Oh, God, what did I eat last night?! Ow! (BLOWS LONG, FLAPPY RASPBERRY) (BLOWS QUICK RASPBERRY) (TOILET FLUSHES) (SIGHS) You were right ` I felt so much more comfortable in there. (CHUCKLES) Oh. I have to say, we have not had any candidates apply who are quite so impressive. Thank you. I really appreciate that. And I genuinely think I could bring a lot to this organisation. Great. In terms of us moving forward with the decision, we just have to run through a routine personality test. Is that OK? No, perfect, great, yeah. Great. Let's start off nice and easy. Picture your dream car. Are you thinking of, like, a two-seater convertible or, like, a people mover with lots of room for car seats? Well, I've always wanted a Porsche ` dream of mine. But I've gotta say, I do love my little station wagon. And is it five seats, or...? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just not quite sure what you're after here. No, that was fine. Anything that just comes to your head. Oh. Let's move on. What do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) Sorry, I'm not sure if I understand` Oh, that's fine. Just take your time and answer instinctively. Like, how does this make you feel? Are you feeling like, 'Ew, yuck!' Or, uh, 'Ooh! Yes, please!' Right. OK. Uh, well, it's a very cute baby. Yeah. OK. Great. Cute. Sorry, I just... I'm struggling with how the questions are relevant to the` Oh, don't worry about it. Um... OK, in terms of communication, would you describe yourself as a clear communicator or someone who avoids conflict? Or someone who would definitely tell us if they were planning on starting a family? Sorry, again, it just sounds like you're trying to figure out whether or not I want to have a baby. No. Oh my gosh, no. I would never ask you that. You know, legally, we're not allowed to do that. Good. Great. Cos I didn't wanna` Sorry I brought it up. I just` No, no, no, no. Um, yeah... No, look, everything's great. You're great. I'm convinced. I'm gonna go ahead and draw up those contracts. That is fantastic news. Thank you so much. Thank you. In fact, I'm gonna call one of your references right now, to just get everything signed off. Fantastic. Go ahead. (CHUCKLES) Oh, it's ringing. Mm-hm. Sally. Hi. It's Peter Lautner here. I'm just calling on behalf of Harriet Bridgeman. She's put you down as a reference for her` That's right. So, um, do you think she's planning on having a baby any time soon? Oh. Can't conceive. No, that is... terrible. OK. Yep. Ta-ta. Welcome aboard. (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) Hey, how's the whole sex dream about Rose going? Post-morning-snack nap, it happened again. We made love in Warehouse Stationery. Gross. Guys, you have to help me out. I'm freakin' out! Have you been doing those Magic Eye books again? Because, Pauline, you were supposed to ban them from set. No, it's the next sketch that I'm in, where I have to do the, like, kissing. Ooh, OK, tell us a bit more about that. Kissing? I-I know it's a professional situation, but I'm worried that this actor is gonna form some type of attachment to me. To you? Yes, to me. Every person I've ever kissed, I've then gone on to have a relationship with them ` 100% of the time. Oh my God. What if he gets a boner? Then I have to have sex with him later, because it's rude to leave a boner unfulfilled. That's what my mum taught me. That is not a thing. (SIGHS) Oh my gosh. What if we get married. Oh my God, what if we have a kid? A girl! We'll call her Aloyisius! Oh, that's nice. You're not to call your kid Aloyisius, OK? I'm calling it there. No. Then we end up holidaying at his father's beach house, of course, and that's where I meet his brother. Ooh. It's hard to deny that we've got this attraction. And two years later, we can't ignore it. Obviously, he's the one that makes the first move. Ooh, this is tough. And then eventually, he catches his brother and I in the apple orchard. But it's fine, because he's the one who wanted the infidelity clause struck from the prenup! Look, Rose, babe,... you're gonna be fine. OK, Laura, you only know me as 'work Rose'. I am a very different person in a sexual context. Yeah, I can see that. I doubt that. I guess I'm just gonna have to dial down my natural charisma and... WHISPERS: Impossible. ...good looks to maybe offset this attraction that's gonna happen. Just do what you normally do. You'll be fine. OK. Wish me luck. (GROANS) You won't need it. (GROANS) Good luck. God, she is so super-hot. (BELL RINGS) # Uh! Yeah! # Uh! Uh! Uh! Yeah! # (GRUNTS) Whoa! (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (GRUNTS) Oh God! What do you do when you get a dick pic? Oh, um, I usually wait till I've been sent, like, a hundred of them, and then I have a Powerball Saturday and just... just pick one and enjoy that. Right. What do you do? Well, I usually just send back a compliment. Like, 'Oh, that looks healthy.' Everything's... lookin' good. A-OK. No, they are not asking you for a diagnosis. It just seems like a really weird move, you know? To send a dick pic. Like, I would never reply with a tit pic. Wouldn't you? Maybe. Maybe if I was, like, sending a photo of what I had for dinner that night and I was holding it up here, and then I accidentally got, like, a bit of the tit in the background. OK, but that's not sexy. Look, tit pics are good to have stored up on your phone. Because in the middle of a jam, you wanna have one ready to go. I'm not storing a tit pic for a raining day. Well, what, are you just gonna take one then and there, on the spot ` on the bus ride, on your way to work? Let's just do one right now. No, I'm not doing... No, stop! No one's watching. It's fine. No. I'm not doing a tit pic! OK, well, just me, then. Just me. (BELL RINGS) SIGHS: What...? Why are you doing it...? (SIGHS) Tit pics? Yeah. Well, we've gotta wrap this up. I need you on set. Unless you want to take one, Rose. No! Ugh! OK. I just think they're always good to have, in case of emergency. Told you. Oh, nice. Actually, could you take a different angle? Oh, sure. OK. Smile. Have fun and the stag do, honey. Don't worry. I'll behave. (BOTH LAUGH) You better. (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Are you tired of worrying about bitches hitting on your man? Do you toss and turn, thinking he's in another bitch's bed? Well, suppress those insecurities, because now there's Scare Bitch. Scare Bitch is the revolutionary new scarecrow that scares bitches away from your man. Honey, don't forget your Scare Bitch. (CHUCKLES) (UPBEAT INFOMERCIAL MUSIC) (HORROR MUSIC) (CHUCKLES) With Scare Bitch, you no longer have to worry about bitches at the strip club,... Jesus Christ! (WOMEN SCREAM) What the matter? What`? (HORROR MUSIC) ...bitches by the pool,... (WOMEN SCREAM) (HORROR MUSIC) ...or even bitches at the supermarket. (WOMEN SCREAM) (HORROR MUSIC) Now you can sleep easy, knowing no bitch is touching your man. Thanks to Scare Bitch, me and my partner are so happy. Scare Bitch ` keep those bitches' hands off your man, because he's your man. Liv, I want this out of my house. Why don't you trust me to go out and not cheat on you? I mean, that's kind of messed up, don't you think? Who are you smiling at? (HORROR MUSIC) Get your Scare Bitch now! Um, Dad? Mm-hm? I know Ginnie's your wife now,... but I think she's... evil. Oh, come on now, sweetheart. Give her a chance. You know, it's hard enough being a new stepmother without all these silly stereotypes. She's put a lot of effort into that dinner tonight, so you should too. I promise you, she's not evil. (CACKLES EVILLY) (THUNDER RUMBLES) Mmm, smells good, honey. What are we having? CROAKS: Something young and fresh! (COUGHS) No, but seriously, Kelly, I know I'm never gonna replace your mother, but I do hope we can become friends. (POTION SPLASHES) See? OK, we'll see you at 2pm. Thanks. (HANGS UP PHONE) Hi there. Oh, hi there. How can I help you? Um, I'd just like to do a return. Ma'am, this is your... your baby. Yeah, I got it a little while ago, and at the time, I liked it, but then I took it home and it didn't really go with any of my other stuff, so... (CHUCKLES) Ma'am, you can't return your baby. Right. OK. Um, I might actually have a little look around and, um... Ma'am? Ma'am! (SIGHS, TUTS) Seriously? Another one? In you go. (TAPS COMPUTER KEYS) WOMAN ON RADIO: No matter what he's doing, now you can sleep easy, knowing your man is taken care of. Cos he's your man and no one else's. (HANDBRAKE CLICKS) - Get your Scare Bitch tod` - (RADIO TURNS OFF) (POIGNANT MUSIC) Liv. Uh, what are you doing here? Can we talk? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for everything. I had a lot of my own issues that I was working through, and I took them out on you, and that wasn't fair of me. Yeah, no worries. It's all good. I've been going to counselling and... working through my issues. Right. Yeah. And I think we should give it another shot. Cos we're good together, you and I. We just... make sense. And I can't stand another night w... (TENSE MUSIC) What are you looking at? Nothing. Oh my God, Tim, do you have another woman back there? No. Liv, don't. Let me see her, then! Let me see the slut banging my boyfriend! Liv! Liv` (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (SOBS) You've been seeing the Scare Bitch behind my back this whole time! (BREATHES HEAVILY) And you? I brought you here to help me. I didn't know you'd turn into such a whore! Hey, hey, hey, Liv. Liv! Liv! Don't, OK? (SOBS) Stop it! It's not like that. We're in love. What? We're not just screwing around. (SOBS) I love her. We're in love. No! (SOBS) Oh my God! Your grandmother's ring. Liv` You proposed to her. I-I was gonna tell you. You proposed to her! I can't believe this! No, I'm out! I'm out. I hope you both rot in hell! (EXHALES) I am so sorry you had to see that. Hey? Oh! # Uh! Yeah! # Uh! Uh! Uh! Yeah! # Hey, did you take those bins out? Yes. Thank you. You're a good man. Did you feed the cat? Yes, I did. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. You're a good little de facto. Aw! You know I like it when you call me 'de facto'. Do you? Mm-hm. De facto. Ooh, yeah! How are those retainers feeling? Actually feels a little tight tonight. Does it? Yeah, my gums really hurt. But I'll just leave it in. You're gonna leave it in for me, are ya? Yeah, I am. Tell me something dirty. Something naughty. I've accumulated quite a lot of debt. Yeah. Yeah. That's so bad. Yeah, I've got crippling debt. Oh, that's terrible. I know. Yeah, that's so bad. Do you want some help with that? Do you want me to pay it off? Yeah, you're gonna have to if we wanna get a mortgage. Yeah, I want a mortgage with you. God, I wanna get a little doer-upper. A little three-beddy. Yeah, let's do that. Yeah. Let's combine KiwiSavers. Mine's tiny. WHISPERS: Mine's massive! (BOTH PANT PASSIONATELY) Oh, I cleaned the house for you, cos I know it helps with your mental clarity. I only buy EcoStore products, cos I know your skin reacts to synthetic fragrances. It's so itchy. Stop scratching. Take your top off. Oh yeah? You wanna see my boobs? No. Your T-shirt stinks. Yeah, cos I'm a dirty girl. Yeah? Are ya? Yeah, I am. (COUGHS) When was the last time you cleaned that? Years ago. Whoa, that's filthy. Yeah. Yeah, I just wanna spank you, but I know I can't because we've talked about this, and you don't like it, and we've got great communication skills. It's one of our strongest skills. I like to keep it vanilla. French vanilla. Bonjour! (BOTH MOAN) Guess what? What? I called your mum today. Oh yeah? What did she have to say for herself? Nothing. We just talked, because we've got our own relationship. Your brother's kids call me 'Aunty', but we're not married. Oh, can you pay me $44.60 for the groceries? Sorry, I just remembered. Oh, of course. It's just it's right here, and if I don't say it now, I'll forget. Of course. Sorry about that. And, actually, I've already made the lunches, so they're on the bench. Have you? Yeah, they're in little plastic containers. Oh, stop. That's so hot! Yeah? It's gonna help so much in the mornings. Yeah, you're gonna fly out the door. Tell me something I don't know about you. Oh, Celine Dion always makes me cry. Let's make respectful unprotected love till 9pm. Yeah, we can, because I just got my IUD replaced. (MOANS) Tell me how you like it. WHISPERS: Missionary. (BOTH PANT) Take your pants off. Yep. Are you ready? Yep. One, two, three... (BOTH GRUNT) (CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh. Oh, whenever Mum calls, I think it's an emergency and Grandma's dead. Oh, I know, right? Me too. (BOTH CHUCKLE) Hello. (GROANS) I knew it! Grandma's dead! No, I know. I heard you. (UPBEAT MUSIC) (SCREAMS) I think I'm gay. FLATLY: Oh, cool. When did you find this out? Just now. I did that big kissing scene with that very young, attractive man, and I felt nothing. I felt nothing! No, I think that's just because you're attracted to ugly, old men. And what's more telling is that he didn't feel anything. He didn't even fall in love with me just a little bit ` nothing! Do you think, maybe, that's because he was a paid actor to be in the scene with you, and he was just doing his job? Details, OK? SARDONICALLY: Yeah, oh, he's a paid actor. Oh, he had a girlfriend. I know you; you're not gay. (STOMPS) Laura! OK, I've been to a roller derby. I go for long walks in the Waitakeres, and I love it. I died my hair blue last summer. OK, all right. You're gay. You know what, you should get started straight away. Pauline had a sex dream about you the other night. (CHORTLES) Isn't that convenient? Pauline has a sex dream about moi the very week that I come out. It's a sign. You're not gay, OK? I'm gay. I'm gay. No, you're not, Rose. I'm 100% gay. I'm so gay! You're not gay. You wouldn't even go there with anyon` Hi, Rose. I just need a little word` (MUFFLED MOANING) Mm-hm. Mm-hm. (MOANS) Oh, this is happening! This is real! Wow. You know what, that was actually` That was kinda hot. (GROANS) I felt nothing. I felt nothing. Rose, I'd really like to be honest with you. No need. It's fine. I had a sex` a sex` I know we` OK. I'm so sorry about that. It's fine. Sex` It was just, um` I'm glad we cleared that up. Maybe not gay with Pauline, but just... WHISPERS: Talk about sex. It's a spectrum, isn't it? It's a spectrum. OK. So... S-Sorry. Ooh! (BREATHES DEEPLY) Ooh yeah. OK. You might be gay. Captions by James Brown and Chelsea Brady. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 Thanks, NZ On Air.