(LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (CRASH!) And then, they called out my name and they were like, 'Zooey Deschanel.' And I put my hand up. I was like, 'Me.' And there was a bit of a giggle around the store. So, was Zooey Deschanel there? No, no, no, it's just like this gag we do. because a lot of people say that I look like her. Oh. Do they? Mm-hm. Yeah. More people than just you? Yeah. I'm just, like, playing along with their joke. Right. God, they must have been gutted that Zooey Deschanel wasn't actually at the Starbucks. Ooh, we talking Starbucks aliases? I always say Rose Matafeo. What? And they buy it, too. Yeah, I can see that. Mm. Yeah. OK, no offence, but no one is mistaking you for me. Uh, yes, they are. Look at this. Who's this from behind? (GRUNTS) Oh my God, that is a great Rose. No, it's not! No, it's not. (SCOFFS) (SCOFFS) BOTH: Stop it! You see? I'm in your head, Rose. We're exactly the same, you and me. - No, you're just coping what... - BOTH: ...I'm saying. BOTH: This is so unfair. OK, can you guys cut it out? I'm really getting confused here. - What do you mean? All she's doing is saying the... - BOTH: ...same thing... BOTH: at the same time` Stop it! BOTH: Stop it! Uncanny. OK, everyone just stop pretending to be me in Starbucks or work or anywhere! That is a great impression of grumpy Rose. (GROWLS) Oh my God, did you hear that Zooey Deschanel was at Starbucks this morning? Shut up! Yeah. Or was she? (SIGHS) (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) # Funny Girls. # Funny. Whoo! # Copyright Able 2018 (SLOW ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC) # Girl, I see you wearing all of that make-up. # I worry about the time it takes up # to cover your face in that non-toxic paint. # Why are you doing it, girl? # All of that time you spend brushing, # you could be out there discussing # important issues like climate change and the gender pay gap. # Girl, all of that time you spend blending, # you could be out there defending # a criminal in a courtroom. # Assuming you're a lawyer. (MOUTHS) # And I do assume you are. # You're a superstar. # If you just take it off, you could be the boss of a company. # Yeah, girl. # Under that Maybelline, # I know there lies a queen. # I'd do it too, but I won't today, # cos I look fucking hot! # Clean it off, whoa. # Clean it off your face. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # Clean it off, whoa. # Clean it off your face. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # You're perfect just the way you are. # I'm perfect just the way I am. # And the way I am right now # is wearing lots of make-up. # Girl, all your imperfections, # each one is a blessing. # But I can't relate to that, # cos all of mine are hidden # under all this powder. # You'll feel so empowered. # With just one wipe, # you could turn yourself from an eight to a five. Maybe four. # Show your capillaries # to stand with Hillary. # I'm with her too. # But I'm with her looking fucking hot! # Clean it off, whoa. # Clean it off your face. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # Clean it off, whoa. # Clean it off your face. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. # Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh. # Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. # I'm gonna leave my make-up on. # Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh. # Uh! Yeah! # Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh. # Sean Paul right here, yeah. # Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh. # Go on, you good ting. # Sean Paul. Sean-Sean-Sean Paul. RAPS: # We wanted Sean Paul to be on this track. # But Sean Paul never emailed us back. # So this is the part where Sean Paul's supposed to go. # If anybody has Sean Paul's number, let us know. # If all of the girls... # took of all their make-up,... # then I would be the prettiest girl... # in the world. # If all of the girls... # took of all their make-up,... # then I would be the prettiest... # beauty queen. (BEAT INTENSIFIES) # Clean it off, whoa. # Ho-o-o-oh! # Clean it off your face. ....face. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # Clean it off, whoa. # O-o-oh! # Clean it off your face. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # I'm gonna leave mine on. # (FAN WHIRRS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) What? I look dope. That was not cool. (UPBEAT POP MUSIC) (SIGHS) I'm scared. It's gonna be OK. Yeah? Mr and Mrs Richardson, thanks for coming in. Is the baby OK? I've had some news regarding the results of your scan. What is it? Is it serious? I'm afraid so. Oh my God. I'm sorry to tell you both, but... your child carries the coriander gene. (POIGNANT MUSIC) Oh, I new it. I knew something was wrong. I should have known. W-What does this mean? Carriers of the coriander gene... hate the taste of coriander. They find it tastes soapy. Even the smallest amount hidden in a salad will ruin for them the entire dish. WHISPERS: Jesus Christ. OK. She's never gonna like Thai food. No, don't say that. She won't. We can get them to make it special. What about taco Tuesdays? We're gonna have to make her up a separate plate, like she's some kind of freak. I know this has probably come as a huge shock, and you're just taking it all in, but look, we do have some resources here to help. She'll be stigmatised for being a fussy eater. Her friends won't want to invite her out for dinner, cos they'll think she's basic. SOBS: We'll never be able to eat Mexican food. Hey, hey, don't say that. We really love Mexican food. Understandably. Look, I know this has been very tough on both of you. I can't even imagine... what a salsa would taste like without coriander. Look, it's important that you understand that, as with any pregnancy this early on, you do have options. Adoption. An Italian diet. We don't do carbs. No, we're staying away from carbs at the moment, so... I guess there's no real other option, is there? (POIGNANT MUSIC) (THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE PLAYS) (DING!) (UPBEAT POP MUSIC) (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (DOOR RATTLES) (DOOR BANGS) Hello? Do you ever worry you're becoming your mother? Oh, 100%. Right? Oh my God. OK, so this morning, I actually said the phrase, 'Oh, I love a Sunday drive.' Oh my God. I know. And last night I was in bed by 9. Packet of biscuits, cup of tea. I was like, out by the time the tea was cold. And I was fine with that. That is so Susan. Is it the same with you? Oh, totally. Like, the other night, I went out by myself, had some drinks at the bar, met some random guys there, and they took me back to their Viaduct apartment. Right, and that's like... your mother, or...? Oh, yeah, totally. I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I was about to do a line, and I was like, 'Sharon, is that you?' (LAUGHS) Far out. CHUCKLES: Yeah. And so, do you see your mum very often, or...? Yeah. Oh, like, last summer I was at this leather night party in Berlin, and I tripped over this slippery gimp that was lying on the floor, and... (CHUCKLES) it's actually really funny. You will never guess who helped me up. Your mum? No. Oh! (LAUGHS) OK. Sorry. It was my mum's master. My mum was the slippery gimp lying on the floor. And I'm just standing over here, being like, 'Oh my God! How do I escape my mother?' (GROANS) Classic. Classic mum story. Yeah. Laura, if you ever need to... talk... Oh God, Rose, you sound so much like your mother. # Uh! Yeah! # Uh, uh, uh! Yeah! # SULTRY FRENCH ACCENT: I am a woman. I am my destiny. I am Mince,... the new fragrance from Channel. Mmm. WHISPERS: Mince. With real undertones of mince, it smells... just like mince. Cooked mince. WHISPERS: Mince. It's made with real beef mince. Is someone cooking mince? No. It's just me. With subtle notes of mince. WHISPERS: Mince. (ROMANTIC MUSIC) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (SNIFFS) Je jure devant Dieu que je sens la viande. Non. Je suis Mince. Mince, by Channel. It's a perfume, and it smells like some mince. WHISPERS: Mince. (UPBEAT POP MUSIC) (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (GAGS) I completely forgot to brush my hair this morning. I just cannot adult today. (SNORTS) MOCKINGLY: I just cannot adult today. MOCKINGLY: I can't adult. I haven't brushed my teeth in, like, a whole week, because I'm so bad at adulting. Hey, you think you can't adult? Last night for dinner, I ordered pizza for the third night in a row. Ooh! BABY VOICE: I'm a little baby. I need milk. A-ma-ma! Goo-goo, ga-ga. Where's my mum? Wah! Wah! Wah! I can't adult. I don't wanna be an adult today` Oh! Rose! Oh, what have you done? I'm` Look at you. That's just ruined now, isn't it? Yes. And we're going to have to change you now, aren't we? QUIETLY: Yep. Come on. I'm sorry. Hurry up! I'm sorry. This is the second time today, Rose. What have I told you about watching your drinks? Don't forget to burp her, or she'll get gassy. (GRIEG'S 'MORNING MOOD') (INHALES) (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) (CELL PHONE BUZZES) Shit! I slept through my biological clock! (UP-TEMPO THEME MUSIC) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Welcome back. I'm Chad Regalton. This is Can I Get A Word In? Contestants, hands on buzzers. Here we go ` question number one. 1893. (BUZZER BEEPS) 1893. Correct, Nigel. Oh, I'm sorry. I think I actually said it first. Oh, I'm sorry, Karen. I didn't hear you. Oh, not a problem. Maybe I wasn't speaking loud enough. Probably. All right, don't worry. There's still chance to... ALL: ...get a word in. All right, question number two. Human rights lawyer. (BUZZER BEEPS) Be George Clooney's wife. Correct, Tim. Points for you! I'm sorry. I actually pressed my buzzer first. And she's not just George Cloo` Sorry, Karen, I didn't hear you. - Must have cotton wool in my ears. - (LAUGHTER) Hey, but don't give up. There's still chance to... ALL: ...get a word in. All right, question number three. Finish this Beyonce lyric ` (BUZZER CLICKS) Girls? It's girls. (BUZZER DINGS) I think you'll find, Chad, it's men. Ooh, sorry, Tim, that's not the answer we were looking for. Anyone else? Nigel? It's` (BUZZER CLICKS) It's girls. Sorry, Karen, you have to put your hands on the buzzer. OK, it's not working. Far out. This is a buzzy-as one, eh? Because if it's not men, who is it? It is a tricky one. Um, sound guy? (EXHALES) Anyone else? I know! I know the answer! It's girls! - Anyone else? - (FEEDBACK SQUEALS) It's girls! Um, anyone? Anyone at all? Ooh, ooh, ohh! (BUZZER DINGS) Ooh! Tim, you think you know the answer? Heh, I think I do, Chad. Is it sex? (MEN LAUGH) - (BUZZ!) - You wise-cracker, Tim! - No, unfortunately that's not the answer we're looking for. - (APPLAUSE) Wow, a surprising result here tonight, with our two contestants not being able to answer the final question. I've been Chad Regalton. Up next, it's I Think You'll Find. I think you'll find` I think you'll find` You're going about this the wrong way. I think you'll find that you're quite close but just a little off base. I think you'll find you're not looking at this from a global perspective. You should never trust everything you read on the internet. Look, doll, what I think you'll find is that this isn't even really, like, a feminist issue. (CHEESY MUSICAL STING) Come on. Did you actually enjoy the film, though? Because to me, it was just a trite exploration of sexuality completely positioned in the male gaze. Your third-wave thinking is clouding your clarity. I mean, it was obviously a complex examination of the intricacies of female sexuality and furthermore the delicate interplay between masculine and feminine energy. Your reduction of feminism into these segregated waves... Oh, this again. ...just shows that your analysis is of the moment. You're not examining female sexuality as a whole in its full context. DITZY VOICE: Hi. Would you like some Mince by Channel? DITZY VOICE: It smells like real mince. (GIGGLES) I like that. It reminds me of where I like to see my wife the most. In the kitchen. (LAUGHS) Oh my gosh, you are so bad! I love to cook for my man. (ALL LAUGH) Byeee. Byeee. CHUCKLES: Oh, see ya later. See ya. BOTH: Byeee! See, I think that the entire film was a satire clearly lampooning masculinity and a prison in which men ` specifically straight cis men ` have built for themselves. Or perhaps a prison in which society built around them. Oh, give me a break. That character needed to accept some form of moral culpability for his actions. I don't disagree. Really? Because it sounds like you're saying that men are victims of their circumstances, even more deserving of sympathy than other far more marginalised groups. DITZY: Oh, hey, fella. How are ya? Wanna try some Mince by Channel? DITZY: Yeah, you wanna have a tester for the lady in your life? Did you say testicle? Oh, wait, no, she said 'tester'! W-T-F! Oh my gosh. I made it sound like you said 'testicle'. You are so smart. Isn't he so smart? He's so smart! So smart! (ALL CHUCKLE) BOTH: Byeee! See ya later. Byee. Byeeee. Whoa. (CHUCKLES) (DELIGHTFUL MUZAK PLAYS) (SIGHS) Got into Mensa. Great. Good. Good for you. # Uh! Yeah! # Uh, uh, uh! Yeah! # BLOKE: Welcome to the Opunake sheep dog trials. I'm here to sign up for the sheep dog trials. And where's your sheep dog? You're looking at her. (SHEEP BLEAT) Hyah! Hyah! Pretty good at that, Babs. Better than any dog. I mean, yeah, you're a human. I'm sorry, ma'am, but the rules say a sheep dog has to be a dog. This is because I'm a woman, isn't it? Mm, no. It's because you're not a dog. Nah. I'm not a dog. HUSHED: I'm a bitch. Ruff! Ra-ra-ra-ra-ruff! Let me get this straight ` you actually want to compete against the sheep dogs? (TOWNSFOLK MUTTER) Order! Ord` Order! SLOW-MOTION: Order! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Did you know that in over 150 years of this competition, a woman has never competed against a sheep dog? Yeah, of course not! Neither has a man! It's a competition for bloody dogs! TOWNSFOLK: Yeah! It's for dogs! (BANGS GAVEL) Ms Preston, I just don't think this is a women's rights issue. You're right. It's a human rights issue. No, it's not. (TOWNSFOLK ALL SLOW-CLAP) That doesn't even make sense! (WHISTLING, WHOOPING) Don't` Stop clapping! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) She looks bloody ridiculous. Oh, this isn't about you, Marie. This is about women. Everywhere. (SCOFFS) (MEN CHEER) She's pickin' up the sheep! You would never see a dog do that! Ho-ho-ho-ho! And the recipient of a year's supply of Wag's dog biscuits, as well as a sponsorship deal as a Wag's dog biscuits ambassa-dog, is Barbara Preston. (APPLAUSE) Women can do anything. This isn't inspirational. It's not like getting the right to vote. (GROANS) ALL CHANT: Babs! Babs! Oh, come on! I was the first female president of this committee! Nobody carried me out on their shoulders! (CHEERING) (CALMING CINEMATIC MUSIC) OK. So get this ` Brenda just got her wisdom teeth taken out. How you feelin', babes? (GIGGLES) Not good. Oh, looks like someone's had too much laughing gas. YouTube is gonna loooove this. I don't love you. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Good one, babe. GROANS: No, I don't love you. I love Chris. I've been cheating on you all year with Chris. (GIGGLES) Chris, is this true? Yeeeeah. (LOUD GUNSHOTS) (SNIPER FIRE RICOCHETS) (DISTORTED GUNFIRE) (RAPID GUNFIRE) We're being pounded by the sniper nest in that tower! (SNIPER FIRE) Jones! You need to take your squad around the back and try to blank them. Yes, ma'am. Alpha Squad, on me! Steven, you and your squad are on suppressive fire! Delta Squad! BOTH: Whoo! Rah! And Davidson ` I need you and your squad to charge that tower and break it down! Um, I think there might have been a mistake. You are Mary Davidson, are you not? Um, yeah. And this is your squad, right? (GIGGLES) You know we're a squad. Squad goals! Girl squad! Oh, squad pic. (ALL GIGGLE) I need you on point for this! Oh, we are always on point. ALL: Yuss. You get out there and you face those bullets, soldiers! Go! Go! Go! GROANS: OK. What a drill sergeant. I should've worn flats. (IMITATES GUNFIRE) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) (CHUCKLES) It's funny, because if you tickle a rat, it will laugh. Why am I always being cast as the old characters? 'Tired old witch'? Are you kidding me? 'Old crone'. 'The concept of aging.' And this next one, I'm just playing a corpse. I think it's just cos you're older than me, so... I'm 25. Are you? Yes! How old am I? Older than Laura. Just younger than me. Told you. What? Pauline, I'm 25. (LAUGHS) Sorry, yes? How can I look old? I've got the oily skin of a teenager. Yep, that is true. But why are you always crocheting? (LAUGHS) OK, Laura, you wouldn't get it. It's... ironic, OK? It's subversive craft. You go aqua-jogging on Tuesdays. It's low impact. You're constantly complaining about there being a draught. Now, OK, that one is not my fault, because there is always an open door in here! OK, sure, yep. You're a young, cool, hip teenager. OK, I can sense the sarcasm in your voice, but it's true ` I am cool! Good news, ladies. That was your podiatrist, Rose. Your orthopaedic in-soles are ready to be picked up. You'll get those achy knees fixed up in no time. OK? (BELL RINGS) How does she have my podiatrist's number? That's weird. Captions by James Brown and Jake Ebdale. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018