(LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (GRUNTS) OK, am I saying 'mints', as in mint, or 'mince', as in the meat? Mince. Mince, as in the meat. Yes! (CHUCKLES) Mints. (INHALES) Mince, as in the meat? No, wrong. Mints, as in the mint. (GROANS) Good game. Good game. Yeah. I've got one. Am I saying 'courier', as in the delivery driver or as in the country? Well, that doesn't work, because they're two very different words. Courier. Well, courier, as in the delivery driver. Wrong. I was saying courier, as in the country. Then you're saying Korea wrong! OK, I've got another one. Rose is intense. I don't wanna play this game any more. Am I saying Rose is a little bit too full-on sometimes, or Rose is camping in tents? Camping in tents. Yeah. What about this one ` Laura is bitumen. What's bitumen? It's either the stuff you put on roads or... a bitch human. Bitch human? Yeah. Nice. Nice. (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) # Funny Girls. # Funny. Whoo! # Copyright Able 2018 (UPBEAT MUSIC) # Tonight, tonight, # put your hands up. # Let me hear you shout, # Hey! # to the rest of your life. # Tonight, tonight, # put your hands up, # to the rest of your life. # All right. So, our subject today is Tracy. Uh-huh. She's 30, single and hasn't been on a date in two years! BOTH: Oh! You know what, it sounds like someone needs to stop treating dating like it's the dentist. (ALL LAUGH) Well, get ready, Tracy, cos here come... ALL: ...The Gay Squad! (ALL WHOOP) (DOORBELL RINGS) ALL: Gay Squad to the rescue! Yes! Oh my God! Sack tap! (LAUGHS) Oh my gosh. This is gonna be the best day ever. I'm such a fucking fag hag. (GIGGLES) Oh my God. When are we going shopping, queens? (LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) Well, we've bought you some incredible new looks to try on. All right, Tracy, let's find you a dress that'll drive any man wild. I've never had a sister to try on clothes with before. OK, well, if you want a sister, you can ask your parents to make you one. Oh, you are one sassy queen! Gay men are so sassy. (LAUGHS) OK. Um, let's just try this on behind the changing screen. Why would I do that? You don't even like boobs! (CHUCKLES) (GIGGLES) Ooh! (MOUTHS) I actually kissed a girl when I was drunk once. And I used to date a guy with, like, practically no chest hair at all, so I'm basically full lez now. (CHUCKLES) (UPBEAT MUSIC) Now that Cameron's got your outfit sorted, I'm gonna be teaching you a thing or two to get things heating up in the kitchen. (PHONE CAMERA SNAPS) Oh, can't we just gossip, babes? Gossip with me, girl! Gaga, yass! Oh my gosh. What's the 'tea'? Where are you learning these words? Oh, I love Ral Pal's Drag Queen Race. I'm basically a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Well, I know how that feels, cos I'm basically a gay man trapped in a woman's house. (UPBEAT MUSIC) OK, so, Tracy, my job is to get to know the real you. So, what I wanna know is, what are you struggling with? Wow, that's so nice of you to ask. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I guess,... I try really hard to be confident and really loud and stuff, and... (SNIFFLES) I think the truth of it is is that... (SNIFFLES) I just wanna fit in, you know? I get it, yeah. And sometimes I think life would just be so much easier if I was just a gay like you. Like, you queers can have sex with anyone, no judgment. And you can't even get pregnant, so you don't need connies. Oh, why can't I just be a gaybo! (SOBS) OK, Tracy, what you're saying, it's actually, kind of, really quite homophobic. LOL, you little bitch. Oh my God. I am not a homophobe. (CHUCKLES) I have a gay cousin. Oh, actually, he might be vegan. (GROANS) (HORN HONKS) (LIGHT, FUNKY MUSIC) All right, time for the reveal. Are you ready for your date, Tracy? (WARM, UPLIFTING MUSIC) (GASPS) Cheers. (MUSIC CONTINUES) You faggots kitted me ouuuut! I'm feeling HIV positive that tonight is gonna be nothing short of amazing. Yass, Gaga! Ooh! One final touch. (TAPE RIPS) (SNAPS FINGERS) Perfect. I love it. Our best work. (EXCLAIMS MUFFLEDLY) (WHOOPS) MUFFLED: Yass, queen! Work it, girl! Yeah, I don't understand why people get so up in arms about unisex toilets. It's a win-win for everyone, you know? Yeah. It's all-inclusive, and there's no line outside the female bathroom. (CHUCKLES) (URINATES) Yeah. I could get used to this. Yeah, yeah. I'll see you in a bit. Yep. (APPLAUSE) Well, is there anything better than books and a champagne breakfast? (LAUGHTER) Nothing. Thank you, everyone, for coming along to the launch of my new book. Now, I wanna tell you a little story. About a year ago, my girlfriends and I, we were out on the town, and we decided we needed something to eat, and what is better than burgers? Am I right? (MURMURS OF AGREEMENT) So we headed to a certain fast food joint, and as I was standing in line waiting to order, I looked around me, and I saw... (GULPS) Sorry. I saw people eating burgers ` so many burgers. It was at that moment ` right after I'd finished eating my burger ` that I knew a change had to happen, and that change, that had to start with me. I had to start thinking about going vegan. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) She is so brave. I don't know how she does it. I want this book to say to you, 'Hey, you too can think about going vegan.' Imagine a world where the entire human race was thinking about maybe going vegan one day. What a beautiful world that would be. So, buy this book today, and you too can think about going vegan. (APPLAUSE) You're welcome. Please enjoy your complimentary breakfast. (PEOPLE CHATTER) Oh, God, she is so inspiring. I can't wait to start thinking about going vegan. Mmm. MUFFLED: So good. Mmm. (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) SOFTLY: Man! I find the show Extras pretty offensive, because a) we're actually called background artists, and b) they always portray us as these annoying weirdos, which I find very factually inaccurate. Oh, I bet. Mm. So, how long have you been a background artist for? Oh, I'm` (CHUCKLES) I-I'm not one. I'm in the show. Oh! So you weren't just standing in, then? No. And the cameras were rolling? Yup. And this is all gonna be on TV? That's how it works, yeah. Oh, crazy. So, how'd you get the role? I auditioned, I guess. I mean, cos, like, I look at you, and I would never, you know, think full-on actor kinda` Hi. I'm Rose. Oh, cool. Nice to meet you. You in production? No, I'm in the show. She was in the scene with me just before. Yeah. Didn't you see it? Oh! So you weren't standing in either? No, I had lines. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Oh, crazy. And they're just gonna chuck all of this on TV? Who is this guy? Uh, he's an extra. Background artist. I told you before, it was background artist! WOMAN: And... cut! (BELL RINGS) Sorry. (LAUGHS) Let's reset. That is, like, spot-on. I came in too early. Oh, thank you. A spot-on one. OK. Thank you. Did I` Did I step over your line just`? I thought` Nah, you were great. You were great. You were great. Nah, nah, you were fine. Hey, um, sorry, sorry, I know I'm not supposed to talk to you guys. I know that's the rules. (CHUCKLES) But I'm Kev, the hired extra for the day. Just wanna say that's amazing work, guys. Thank you. Thanks, man. Thank you. Everyone did so well. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, this is actually gonna be on TV, is it, this? Yup. We're filming with cameras, so... (CHUCKLES) Oh, crazy! I'm gonna get a drink. Yeah, we're gonna get coffee, so... Um... Uh, yeah, an L&P would be lovely. Yeah. So, do you do this, um, often? Y-Yes. # Uh! Yeah! # Uh, uh, uh! Yeah! # Guys, what's up? Give me... (MEN SPEAK INDISTINCTLY) See ya at lunch! Heya. Yeah, good, thanks! Sorry, what was that? What? What did you say? Hi. I said 'hi'. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. No, I said 'hey', and then you said... I'm pretty sure I said 'hi'. (LAUGHS) Hi, what was that? Nothing. I wasn't talking to you, Pauline. Well, I just said hi to Rose, but then she said, 'Good, thanks.' Why would you say 'good, thanks'? That's a bit weird. I didn't actually say that, so... Yes, you did. Well, it sounds like you did. Yeah, I said 'hi', and then you said` OK, fine, whatever! But I didn't ask you how you are. So she didn't ask you how you are, so why would you say`? OK, fine! You know what? I'm actually not 'good, thanks'. I've had a really hard time at home this week, and I didn't want to bring that to work. I wanted to keep it professional. It's hard to keep it together when I'm working, but now you know. I'm going through a really tough time. I'm just gonna get some lunch. No, thanks. What? See, you've done it again. She didn't ask if you... (OVERLAPPING SPEECH) You made the same mistake. If you did want some lunch, then you should just be like... (OVERLAPPING SPEECH) That's so funny. God, you're just` You're always on, eh, Rose? Always making` Why are you still talking to me? Um... What was that? Oh, be there soon. You don't have an earpiece in. (MAJESTIC MUSIC) Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. (HAIR WHOOSHES, CREAKS) (GRUNTS) (STRAINS) (CHUCKLES) Rapunzel, uh, I see you've had a haircut. Do you like it? I just had it trimmed, and I'm really nervous, so be honest. I like it. It's just, uh... Oh my God, you hate it. No! No, no. I don't hate it. I knew it. Short hair makes my face look fat. (SPLUTTERS) There was a moment where it was looking perfect in the mirror, and then Cherie said, 'Should we take some more off the bottom?' And I should have said something. But she was so convincing, and she showed me the pictures in the magazines, and now my boyfriend thinks I look fat! Great (!) No, babe, honestly` You know what? I told you I was nervous. Sometimes I feel like maybe you don't give me the support that I actually need. Sometimes I feel like you're not actually listening to me. Oh! Oh, OK. We're having that conversation, are we? No! No! I... Because if we're having that conversation, then maybe you should come up here and say it to my face! I would! But I can't! Because you hate it! You can't bear to be seen with me cos I look like a stupid, fat piece of shit! (SOBS) It's just that your hair... What? What? What is it? It's too short! GROWLS: You bastard! I hate you! You know what? Take your stuff back. Jesus! Your stupid potplant, your dumb horse! (CLANG!) That's expensive! I don't even want this tapestry any more! My mother made that for you! I hated it anyway. It doesn't even go with any of my shit! (SIGHS) (SOBS) Babe? I look fat! Punzy` Do you know how hard it is to exercise in this tower? Yes, you've said that. SOBS: Do you know how hard it is...? Do you know how hard it is to exercise in this tower? I'm sorry. I love your hair, because it's attached to you, and you're the woman that I love. And in about... 10 or 12 weeks I'll be able to come up there and tell you that to your face. Yeah? Yes. I-I absolutely love you. OK, good. Cos I was also thinking about getting a fringe. Really? OK. GROWLS: You're a real piece of shit! I know this was a traumatic incident for you, Charlotte. I'm relieved to see you up and well. Now, just to let you know, we can see them but they can't see us. All right? Send them in. (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) Just whenever you're ready, Charlotte. It's not number three. Mm-hm? Take your time. There's no... no rush. Yeah, OK, I think it's number one or number five. Mm-hm? We just wanna be sure. It does say in your description here, the man had a 'villain-like moustache'. OK. Yeah, so definitely one or five. Again, sometimes in these circumstances, we just need a little bit of time to jog our memory, so... You're right. I shouldn't rule out numbers two and four. OK. Just take all the time you need. We don't wanna rely on any preconceived notions of what we think this person would look like. OK, so it's definitely between numbers one, two, four and five. (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) I know you're under a lot of pressure at the moment, but your description matches perfectly with number three, OK? Moustache, with a cape and a hood. (GRUNTS) Yeah, I think I'm just gonna go with my instinct. Please don't. Yeah, so it's definitely number five. OK. Number five? Yeah. The man in the wheelchair? Yeah. OK. You were assaulted by a man in a wheelchair, who stabbed you, then ran away with his able-bodied legs ` you've even got that in the description, here. Mm-hm. Yeah. I just get that feeling. What about number three? You know? He's been in here on similar charges before. And he does match your description perfectly. (GRUNTS) Yeah, I just feel like number three looks like a nice guy. A happy face. He is literally holding a knife. I did it! I stabbed her in the chest! OK, now he's just saying that he did it. I definitely did it. I think that's just a nervous stutter, though. Yeah, no it's definitely number two. OK, Charlotte, I'm concerned that you are racially profiling. I would never` Might not be aware of it, but it's clear that that's what's happening, all right? Can we get rid of everyone except for number three? (DOOR OPENS) That man was arrested fleeing the scene of the crime, yelling, 'I did it! I did`' We didn't even need a positive ID here today. I'm gonna go and arrest him, and we'll see how things go from there. Thank you for your time. (SIGHS) Oh, it's number two. Come on! I'm still in uniform. (GRUNTS) Argh! (GROWLS) Number three now. God... Four. ...dammit! She's gone back to two. It's the girl? The brown one. Get help! Hi. Could I try this on? Uh, yeah, sure. Our changing rooms are out the back. Thank you. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) (GRUNTS) (RIP!) (PANTS) WHISPERS: Shit! I'll just wear it out, thanks. See ya. Remember, ladies, one book per signing. And yes, Tina is happy to sign copies of her previous books, too. I've Got Reusable Bags, But I Just Keep Forgetting Them. I should just keep them in the car, but you know me. You don't know me. But it's really nice to meet you. We all do it. Thank you. Cage-Free Is Close Enough For Me. You can't really taste the difference, can you? No! (CHUCKLES) See ya. (GASPS) I Test Drove a Prius! (CHUCKLES) Your books have almost changed my life. (SIGHS) Thank you for saying that. I'm Ready to Sign an Online Petition! I'm scared, but I think I can do it. I've also just finished ready your 2015 best-seller I Think I'm Ready For Doggy Style, and I'm loving it. You enjoy. Thank you. # Uh! Yeah! # Uh! Uh! Uh! Yeah! # Get in there, Jess! Gosh, these games go on forever, don't they? Come on, Tina! (WHISTLE BLOWS) (ALL SLURP) Lucy? I love that cardy. Where'd you get that? Oh, get this ` K-Mart, $12. Oh! I know! K-Mart is the best. That looks like Gucci. That's why I got it. It looks like it's straight off the runway. Ladies' trip to K-Mart later? I think so. Uh-huh. Get in there, Jess! Oh, can we talk about this scarf, Kate? I love it! Oh, get this ` Sunday market. I bought five of them; one for every day of the week. That is clever spending, cos you look like a model from Gucci. Gucci look on a working mum's budget? I like that. That's inspirational. You know what's inspirational, Jo? That scrunchy in your hair. Get this ` Target, two bucks. Those earrings? $1, school fair. That jacket? Free ` back of a chair in a cafe. I just grabbed it. Finders keepers, right? It looks flamin' Gucci! What about those boots? I didn't pay anything. Just got them out of a charity bin down the street. Yeah. I mean, you don't miss what you never had. You do not miss what you never had. That belt, I love! Get this ` cost me nada. Looted it from a burnt-down house. It's barely charred at all! Oh! It looks like it's Gucci! Gucci, darling! Gucci, darling! Is that Gucci? I couldn't hear ya. It's Gucci! It's Gucci! That is Gucci! Gucci! Gucci! Gucci! (ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING ABOUT GUCCI) Those pants ` they are the perfect fit. Where did you get them, bitch?! Dug them up from the local cemmy. And you know the best bit? What's the best bit? Also got this necklace from the same dead skelly! What? What? Is that the best bit? That's the best bit! You know what the best bit is? I think the best bit is... ALL: ...it looks like it's Gucci! Girls' trip to the cemmy later? Oh, yeah. Come on, Courtney! # Oh, I dig it, girl. YELLS IN SLOW MOTION: Gucci! # Oh, I dig it, girl. (SCREAMS IN SLOW MOTION) YELLS IN SLOW MOTION: Gucci! SLOW MOTION: Gucci! (ALL LAUGH IN SLOW MOTION) (LAUGHS) I found one! (LAUGHS) Oh shit! This cadaver is wearing actual Gucci. (CLANG!) No one's gonna believe how cheap this was! (CHUCKLES) # Gucci! # RIP, Joanne. RIP. Can I wear it to my mum's 80th? Hey, Dad. Hey. Could I have some money for tampons? Yeah, of course. Um,... uh,... that's completely fine. Is $20 enough? No. Thanks, Dad. Love you. Mm. (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (SCREAMS) (BALLOON DEFLATES) God, I'm gonna miss this place. You know? All the fruit,... buns and... the choccies, sandwiches. So, you're gonna miss the food? Mm-hm. Yeah. Girls, glad I found you. I just wanna say what an absolute pleasure it has been working with you both. And I'm gonna miss these special times. As you know, I don't have a daughter` You do. But if I did, she'd be the perfect mix of both of you ` Laura's vibrant personality, and Rose's... crocheting. Those aren't equal compliments. Laura's zest for life, with her infectious energy. And Rose? Well, you've always got a pen. That's true. Laura, you've been an absolute rock for me this season. I would like to raise my glass to you. I'm gonna miss your empathetic shoulder. Rose, I'm gonna miss borrowing your car. It's my nan's car! Ooh, yes, and it's out of petrol. But the point is, I'm gonna miss you both equally. However, it's not over yet. Funny Boys has just been given the green light, so I'll be off doing that. I'm sure there'll be a little something for you two in that. I can't believe they're making that. The network wants to do something different. New direction ` comedy. This is comedy. Mm! Well, we gave it our best shot, didn't we, girls? Now, don't think that just because we're not working together does not mean we're not going to be spending every single second of every single day together. That's exactly what it means. Ha! Comedy! (LAUGHS) God, Funny Boys, eh? I dunno. Maybe it won't be that bad. Oh, I had an audition for it the other day ` for 'woman two'. I'm gonna play 'woman one'. Shut up. Yeah! Great! You'll be great as that. Thanks. Hey, did you get asked to read for 'maid with no lines'? Yeah, but they said I was too brown for a Downton Abbey parody. Oh, that's true. So... Yeah. (BELL RINGS) Captions by Chelsea Brady and James Brown www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 Thanks, New Zealand On Air. That episode looked like it was covered in Gucci!