. Dumb. Ta-da! I know. Shit. It was so stupid. (GROANS) Yes! I hate you. I am well and truly over you. (LAUGHS) Do you think you could get some time off? I'm gonna be flat out. Threesome. Loved-up perfect boyfriend bliss isn't always right there with its hands up, so lucky you! DOOR OPENS > Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! (GROANS) It's your birthday! Surprise! Felicitations, milksop. HB, Step-Dave. (CHUCKLES) Hey, sorry to wake you up. We know you got home late last night. Open your presents! You thought we didn't know it's your birthday today! Yay! GROGGILY: Except it's not. What? It's not my birthday today. But Azza told me` Oh, Azza told me. You listened to that brain fart? Good one, Mum (!) Shame. Oh man, it's not his birthday. (SIGHS) (EXHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. # I think I'll go. # Whoo! # Sorry. Hey, I'll still have the coffee. And Azza's close; it's tomorrow. Great. Good to know. Uh, of course, none of this would have happened if you'd mentioned that your birthday's coming up. It's just another day. Birthday's aren't a big thing to me. Well, they are now. You have a family now. Hey, guys! It's tomorrow! LOGAN: Yay! > (CHUCKLES) Tomorrow. Right. Knob. Well, how am I s'posed to know? Birthday's aren't that big a deal. Unless it's a 21st and there's a keg. Uh, well, apparently they are quite a big deal in Cara's house. She's talking about having some birthday dinner thing. Keg'd be better. We should do that after. CELL PHONE RINGS Sweet. I'll get on it. I had such a crap day at work. Mm, not as crap as mine. I nearly killed someone. I had a treacherous meeting with an MBA in a pencil skirt. She's after my job. As if I need that! Did you hear where I nearly killed someone? Nearly. My disaster was real. I had to go to the gym to de-stress, but who was there, hogging my favourite treadmill? Phillip! I never pictured Phil as a gym bunny. He's not. That's the thing. He's only started going to get at me. Or to get some abs now that he's back on the market. (GROANS) Everywhere I go, there he is. Well, he does sort of part-own the place. Casual sex. Is he into that? He seems too nice. I'm talking about me. You and me. What? Not together, obviously. Let's get out of here. Let's go somewhere else; go and get laid... by strangers. No strings, no consequences. You can't be serious. Mm. It's on my list. List? My moving on list. I have it at home. Whenever I cross of an item, I put another line through my marriage. Come on! So, Phil, you wanna come to this dinner thing Cara's having for my birthday? Really? Won't that be awkward? Well, it's my birthday, you're my mate, and Julia's not invited. Well, it would be good to catch up with the kids. Sure. Why not? (GROANS) God! (GROANS) Shit! Shitty-shit-shit! Need some help there, ladies? Well, that depends. On what? How good you are with your hands. May I? BREATHLESSLY: Yeah, thanks. Ooh! Thank you. Well, we were just leaving that terrible bar. So you can't recommend The Playground? I heard it was a pretty decent bar. It is. Oh, I mean, if you like that sort of thing, but I prefer something more discreetly sophisticated. Well, looking at you, I can believe that. Name's William, by the way. Hi. I'm... Jo... hanna. Johanna. And I'm` Jane. This is Jane, my PA. Hi, Jane. Hi. And... Jo... ...hanna. There's a nice bar at my hotel, actually. Where are you staying? The Grand. Mm, that's much more like it. You know, the bar at The Grand was on our list for tonight. Your list? Yeah, of viable options. Maybe I'll head back there, then, if I can buy you both a drink? That'll be lovely. CELL PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry. Uh, one minute. Oh, um, hiya! I just got off the phone with the hire company; something about a broken massage table? It wasn't my fault. I had a new client, and the table broke... with her on it. What? One of the legs kind of snapped, and she rolled off. Are you sure you put the table up properly? You're blaming me?! I am not blaming you. I'm asking you a question. You called to tell me off, which the client did already, even though I could've been injured as well. Actually, I'm calling you because I still care about the business. Well, the business needs a new massage table. Well, you'll have to borrow mine, then, and I'll try to pick us up a spare. Us? Temptation needs two of us, which is why, in spite of everything, I'm trying to be the bigger person. Can I make a birthday card? You've already made one. Hello? But he saw it. Please, Mum? OK, I have to go; Dave's birthday tomorrow. Oh, cool, 25. Catching up to you, slowly. I'll drop the table by in the morning. OK. OK, bye. See ya. Bye. Hey! CELL PHONE RINGS That's my son. I should get this. Gidday. Hey, Dad, how was the flight? It was good. Generally is at the pointy end of the plane. Thought you were coming into the bar tonight. Sorry, mate. Something's come up. Yeah, Mum told me you've been working too hard. You need to chill out on these business trips. Well, you know me. I` I usually find a way. So, Cara's having this dinner thing tomorrow night for my birthday. Sure. I wouldn't miss it. See you then. Bye. CELL PHONE RINGS Hi. CARA: Hiya! WHISPERS: I'm a little busy right now. Come over tomorrow night? Dave's birthday. Will there be pass the parcel and a clown? Ha ha (!) I'll be there. OK, bye. PHONE BEEPS Dad's not coming in tonight. Is your mum here too? Nah, I think she's still pissed off about the plane tickets we never used. Ah shit. I feel bad about that. Wish I could make it up to her... slowly. Azza's got a thing about my mum. Yeah, I'm picking that up. But she's happily married to your dad? Sure is. People get bored. I can wait. CHUCKLING SMOOTH LOUNGE MUSIC SIRENS WAIL OUTSIDE Just to be clear, I`I won't be giving you my number. OK. No strings, no consequences. Understood. (MOANS) HEAVY BREATHING And just to be very clear... I don't normally do this. Neither do I. Really? Yeah. But a beautiful woman like you... What's a man gonna do? (BREATHES HEAVILY) Anything he likes. (MOANS) . Hey, I got the night off for my birthday like you said. That's great. Um,... any chance you'll be home soon? I` I doubt it. It's crazy busy here. Funny. It sounds quiet. (CHUCKLES) Anyway, I just wanted to be the first one to wish you happy birthday. Sweet. Thanks, babe. I love you. Hey, kiss, kiss. Back at ya. (SIGHS) I just lied to Cara. Nah, this is so work. How? It's work-related ` unwind time. BEER SLOSHES Act Four. We going in? Let's do this. BOTH CRACK OPEN BEER Again? Really? You're home late. TV BLARES Where have you been? Profits are up. Mike took us all out for dinner. CRASH! (SIGHS) Winding it down. TV VOLUME DECREASES How's my kid tonight? Still doesn't like you touching me. Cold beer, new game ` doesn't get much better than this. Nah. Oh shit, look out! CRASH! I'm cool. Oh! BOTH: Shit! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Logan, I told you not to! (GROANS) Dave came home at 4am. I know, but he has to come and open his presents! Come on, Dave! (SIGHS) Sorry. (SIGHS) It's all right. Birthdays ` big deal. Family now. (CHUCKLES) You only got a couple of hours of sleep. Tough at the top, eh? I'll come right. Yeah? I hope so, because I have got some big plans for you later on. Yeah? Yeah. It's been a long time since I've slept with a 25-year-old. Mm. I'm quite looking forward to it. (KISSES) (SNIFFS) You like? (COUGHS) Yeah. Open ours next. (EXHALES) OK. PAPER TEARS BOTH: Trash Truck Smash Down 2! Wow! Wicked! Uh... We let Logan choose. He's into the same stuff as you. Even though he's only 9. It's a new release! We can play it together. My man. Can we start now? (CHUCKLES) Happy birthday. Oh, Marion. Wow. Thank you. It's nothing. Just a little token. PAPER RUSTLES It's, um` It's... I found it in a vintage shop. You young people like vintage clothes, don't you? I'm looking forward to seeing you in it. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. On a special occasion. Well, it's your birthday today. It's perfect. Perfect. I only hope it fits. (LAUGHS) SIGHS: Bugger! It fits. You don't have to wear it. Oh, she said I did. And it is quite incredible that she gave you something. Yeah. Mm. (GASPS) I know. Leave it on, let Marion see you wearing it, and the first opportunity I get, I'll spill something on it, and oopsie! Devious. Mm. I like it. (CHUCKLES) Mm. (SNIFFS) Oh, that cologne. Clever Julia. Did she choose it? Mm. Mm, I must remember to thank her during dinner tonight. She's my sister. I felt sorry for her. I've invited Phil. I thought you guys, my dad and Phil ` my angel investor who is still a mate` No, no, wait, hold up. Back up. Your dad? My dad. Lives in Malaysia? Yeah, but he's here at the moment. Why didn't you tell me he's here? I was worried you might get stressed and make it a thing. I am not making it a thing! Cara, my dad is cool. MUTTERS: You said that about your mum. You don't think my mum's cool? Mm-hm. (SPITS) OK, so we have Phil and Julia and your dad? You see? This is why I don't usually do anything on my birthday. Hey. DOOR CREAKS How's that walk of shame? I'm not ashamed. You should be. You ditched me! You left me standing on the footpath like a moron! I know. I'm sorry. To go off with a stranger. Yes. SHOES CLATTER That's appalling, Julia. Anything could have happened to you. I think it did. (CHUCKLES) SECURITY DOOR BEEPS Cara. OK, quick, tell me. WHISPERS: Oh my God, Jen. It was spectacular. Really? He was insatiable. DOOR WHIRRS Hi! Hi. Hi. What's with you? She just got home from some guy's hotel room. What?! Who was he? A handsome stranger. A stranger? Wha`? You picked him up in a bar? On the street. Oh my God. Oh, lighten up, both of you. It was a one-night stand ` an incredible one-night stand ` and now it's off the list. SING-SONGY: Moving on! From Phillip? Who? See? It's working. Good, because tonight, Dave... accidentally invited him over for dinner. Did he now? Well, I can't just turn around and uninvite him, so... Oh, say no more. I understand completely. (SNIFFS) So you're OK with not coming? LAUGHS: Are you mad? I wouldn't miss it. The only thing more satisfying than last night's sex would be telling Phillip all about it. (LAUGHS) You must be joking. Is she joking? I don't know. I'm... not gonna be there, so... For God's sake, Cara, don't look so terrified. I do have basic social skills. You do? SIGHS: It'll be fine. You're not... going to... suddenly invite the guy over, are ya? 'Course not. We didn't even exchange numbers. No, William definitely served his purpose, and now he will just be a lovely memory. (SMACKS LIPS) I'll never see him again. So, what'd you get up to last night? Oh, work, sleep. Hey, your mum called just before you got here, and she says happy birthday, son! (LAUGHS) LAUGHS: Thanks. Whoa! Nice! It's inscribed. 'Your time is now.' She's a poet, your mother. > (CHUCKLES) Thank you. CELL PHONE RINGS Hey, babe. Uh, Julia's being difficult. She's insisting on coming to your birthday dinner. Oh, and I didn't think she cared (!) She had a one-night stand with a random. Really? I'm worried she only wants to come to dinner so that she can rub Phil's nose into the grubby sex she had last night. Yuck! (LAUGHS) I just got a picture of that. Dave, I think you might have to uninvite Phillip. Mm, sweet. I'll invite him to the party at Azza's instead. What party? Uh,... after dinner. It's just a few mates and a keg ` and you, naturally. Another thing you haven't mentioned to me. Oh, hey, Dad's ready to go. I'll` I'll catch you home later, yeah? Tell him hi from me. You know, I'm looking forward to meeting Cara. I don't think I knew her in school. She was behind you ` way behind. (CHUCKLES) Two years, your mother said. Can I just say that you are looking great. All that travel, hard work, it hasn't touched ya. My jet-lag cure, son. It works wonders. Drugs? Better. Tell me. Only if you tell me who's responsible for that God-awful shirt you're wearing. If it's Cara, I'm a worried man. Marion ` ex-mother-in-law. She lives with us, minds the kids. I thought she had a problem with me until she gave me this. Well, now you know she does. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. You'll meet her tonight, actually. And Julia, Cara's sister. She did the dirty on her husband, he gave her the flick, and now she is psycho. Oh, well, thanks for the warning. Too be honest, Cara's a bit nervous about tonight. Well, whatever happens, son, you won't get any grief from me, OK? POP MUSIC PLAYS This is it ` my little empire. Well, half-mine on paper and not counting the massive debt. (CHUCKLES) Well, I get the picture. I'm impressed, mate. It's livelier at night. Aren't we all? Stylie shirt, Dave (!) Yeah, whatever. Dad, meet Georgia and Phil. Hi, Warren. Hi. Good to meet you. You too. Dad's in town on business. Mm, travelling alone? Well, my wife's at home in Malaysia. Fascinating. No, not fascinating. They're straight-up married people, OK? Mm, worth a shot. Drinks? Beer, just my usual ` times two. Phil, still on for tonight? Definitely. Only there's a slight change of plan. Dinner's off; party at Azza's instead. I'll text you the address? Uh, should I bring anything? Whatever gets you drunk fastest. (CHUCKLES) OK, uh, what time? Around 11. Or 9. 9 is fine. Az likes an early gig. Right, well, I'll see you there. Happy birthday. Cheers. Good to meet you. You too. Very proud of you, son. Mm. So why the sudden change of venue? Uh, there isn't one. That was mad Julia's ex-husband. I had to stop him coming to dinner. Because she'll be there? Itching to tell him about some sleaze she's screwing. Mm. What's up? (SIGHS) Itching. I shouldn't have said the word. (CHUCKLES) Can't you just take it off? Not until Marion's seen me do shirt time. Family politics. Ah. Look,... I'm only gonna ask this once. Are you sure you're happy, not just tangled up in something you can't get out of? I can get out, but why would I? Cara's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And the rest of it? You mean the kids? Well, there's three of them, I believe. They can be hard work sometimes, but I'm happy. That's all I need to know. GLASSES CLINK Is she here? Uh, no, it's just me. DOOR WHIRRS That's a relief. I've come for my blender. I didn't want to have to fight for it. Do you know where it is? Should do. I'm the only one who ever uses it. Are you planning on doing some, um, blending? I am, and not just in my own kitchen. Oh, have you met someone? No, I mean, I'm planning on blending socially as well. It was a pun. Right, gotcha. (CHUCKLES) CLATTERING I'll probably see you tonight, then. Where? Dave's birthday party at Azza's. I thought it was dinner at Cara's. It was, but then the plan changed. He's 25, so... Anyway, I'll see you there? Uh, I'm not going. Why not? I'm not invited. Cara and I aren't getting on. That's crazy. She loves you like a sister. Well, not the sister she's got, obviously ` the one she wishes she had. I so wanna make up with her. Then come tonight. I'll make you a special cocktail ` a hatchet-burier. I can't just show up uninvited. Well, the party's at Azza's place. Half of Auckland'll probably turn up uninvited. True. The place will be swarming with young people. I could really use a translator. Come on. Oh, maybe, I'll s... Yeah. ROOTS MUSIC Oh, I am living proof anonymous sex is excellent therapy ` the filthier the better. Julia. He said I did things to him. Julia, shush! Don't you go talking like that in front of the girls. They get enough funny ideas from their mother. Excuse me? Their mother should have done what I did last night; saved herself a whole lot of grief over your son. Can we just stop this conversation? Mm, fine, shoot me for being single and happy. CELL PHONE RINGS Oh, it's work. Hi, Helen. Honestly, is she all right in the head? GLASS THUDS She's just... getting a few things out of her system. Hey, we're here. Cara, I remember the face. Really? (LAUGHS) Deeper shade of blue. Who could forget those dance moves? Oh, Natalie told you. She showed me the video. No. LAUGHS: You have to see it, son. (LAUGHS) No, no, he really doesn't. I've seen the updated version. That's enough. 26 years on, and you haven't changed a bit. Oh, I wish. (CLEARS THROAT) Ooh, er, Warren, meet Marion, the children's grandmother. Hello. Ah, you gave Dave his new shirt. I did. It's impressive, Marion. So glad you noticed. Drinks! Dad, what can we get you? Beer would be good. Red wine for you, babe? SOFTLY: Reckon that will, um, hit the spot? Oh, Julia, there you are. Meet Dave's father, Warren. This is my little sister. You might remember her. Uh, no, why would I remember? Well, she was two years behind me, so she would have been in third form when you were in seventh, isn't that right, Julia? Huh? Pleased to meet you, again, if I met you at school, which I didn't. You don't look familiar at all, uh,... Julia? Yes. < Dad. Hm? Ah, yeah. Cheers, mate. Ow. HISSES: Outside right now! What did you pinch me for? I've got a problem. Huge. What? Warren. He's the one. The one what? Last night; my filthy shag. (SCOFFS) No, he's not. SIGHS: Yes. He can't be. He is. He wouldn't! He did ` repeatedly. He's married to Dave's mother! I have to get out of here. I'll go home. Yes. No! Why not. Cos then you'll risk it. You girls OK out here? Yeah, great. You sure? (LAUGHS) Yeah. We, uh` We need a minute, that's all. Hey, you go back inside. OK, it's just that you walked out on Dad. (CHUCKLES, KISSES) We'll be there in a sec. It's OK, Julia. Phil's not coming. WHISPERS: OK. Great (!) I can't go back in there. I can't face that man across a dinner table. You don't know the things he did to me. Oh, I thought you were doing things to him. Only because he encouraged me. My God, Cara. Oh my God, I have to go home. No. Mm! Cara. Dave already knows something's up, and if you bail on me now, he's gonna ask me questions. We can get through this, OK? OK. Some more potatoes, Warren? Oh, I couldn't. This is delicious, Marion. Truly. WINE SLOSHES WHISPERS: Cara, now. Go for gold. You would have been at school with my Stewie. Stewie Gray. WARREN: The name rings a bell. He's our dad. He was extremely popular. Could've had his pick. > I believe he did. CHUCKLING It's such a shame that your wife isn't here. FORK CLATTERS I didn't meet her last time. Oh, I did. She's really pretty. She looks way too young to be Dave's mum. Well, Nat does take care of herself. I think a happy marriage keeps you young. Maybe. 25 years, that's quite an achievement these days. We've been together 27. (LAUGHS) You hardly look old enough. I was just lucky enough to meet my one true love. (CHUCKLES) You travel a lot, don't you? How does Natalie feel about that? She's very understanding. And trusting? That too. Mm, yeah, she must be, because really, for all she knows, you could` Ow! Who kicked me? Sorry, uh, my foot slipped. Julia, that thing. Could we...? What thing? What the hell? He's so smug. Did you see Marion and the kids? They're eating out of his hand. They think he's Mr Perfect. So does Dave. Well, I'm sorry, but you and I are sisters. They are father and son. Last night was practically incestuous. He's got no right to sit there` OK, do it. What? Fake a headache. I'll call a cab. No. Why should I? To get you away from Warren. He's the cheat, not me. If anyone's leaving, it should be him. Don't be stupid. It's Dave's birthday. He's Dave's father. (SCOFFS) You have to keep rubbing that in, don't you? < KNOCK ON DOOR Go away! Excuse me, uh, Cara. Would you mind if I have a quiet little word with... Johanna? It's Julia. I know. We have nothing to say. Look, it's my son's birthday, and I just want to make it a happy one. A couple of minutes? I'll scream if I need help. Thank you. Uh, where's Julia? Not feeling well ` headache. Um,... (CLEARS THROAT) shall we do the cake? Oh, can we wait for Dad? He just went to the bathroom. OK. He's cool, right? You like him? Yeah, he's great. Um, you'll be taking him to Azza's soon, though, won't you? Um, to the party? SOFTLY: When you spill wine on me. What? How can you keep forgetting, Cara? It's your plan. What's going on? (SIGHS) It's Julia, isn't it? What's the crisis this time? Last night's shag not returning her calls? Yeah, something like that. Well whoever he is, he's made a lucky escape. And it's not your problem. Red wine, shirt. Any time's good for me. Last night was a big mistake. We agree on that. A mistake? It's a living nightmare. Only if we let it turn into one. Too late. I'll be leaving for home in a week or two. You never have to see me again. (SCOFFS) Look at you. All calm and cool. You do this all the time, don't you? No. You do. You're a serial cheater. I wouldn't call it that. Oh my God, I can't even look at you. It's disgusting. You didn't care about this last night, Julia. I didn't know last night. And that was the way it was meant to stay ` no strings, no consequences. Your words, remember? Yet here I am, hiding in my sister's bathroom. Look, out there, that is where chaos rules, OK? Not here; not me. Julia, we can fix this. How? By agreeing on one simple thing ` Last night never happened. But it did. It never happened. . UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC SHAKER RATTLES INDISTINCT CHATTER Hey, you made it! Dave's birthday, yay! Salut. Ca va? Ca va bien. Hey, how's the blending going? Socially, not brilliant, but my cocktails are a hit. You want one? Sure. What can I do to help? Oh, you could have a little tidy around, find me some clean glasses. It's a nice cake, but carrot's really a morning tea thing. Dave loves it and that's what matters. Quite right. CELL PHONE CHIMES You got a problem? Possibly. WHISPERS: Cara. Text from Az. Says your friends have turned up and taken over the kitchen. Says it's weird. What friends? I don't know. I only invited Phil. Anyway, we should probably head over. Well, I can't just ditch Julia. (SIGHS) OK, you and your dad go. I'll put her in a cab, and I'll catch you up, OK? Uh, Julia` Marion, I said I'm not finished. No, Julia, I'm not` Julia! Good luck with that. WINE SLOSHES # We get the bass-thumping people jumping all over the world. Hurry it up, Phil. Layla's still waiting for her orgasm. Yeah, coming right up. Regular or screaming? Can you do multiple? I don't think I know that one. LAUGHTER Jen does massages. Among other things. Other things? Cool. Not those kinds of other things. GLASSES CLINK Get your mind out of the gutter. I'll come find you later on, eh? I could go a night with a cougar. (LAUGHS) Did you hear what he just said to me? Score. Never too old, eh? CHEERS WOMAN: Dave! CHEERS GROW Dave! Whoa! Who is that guy he's with? Settle down. He's married. Who to? The lustrous Natalie. No freaking way. That is Dave's dad? Come on, mate, you fancy a beer? Dude, what are you wearing? Hey, want to split a leg` Oh! GASPS I am so sorry. Yes! Finally! CHEERS, CATCALLS, WHISTLING And the rest! Happy b'day dude. Let's get shit-faced! Solid plan. # Tell me where the freaks at. # (LAUGHS) MUMBLES: I just wish Phillip was here. I know how much you miss him. No, I'd like to give him a good slap. What for? This disaster. It's all his fault. He drove me to it. He walked out on me. Only because you had an affair. Oh, that's right. Do what you always do ` side with the other person. GLASS THUDS I'm not. And Phillip isn't 'the other person'. He's a good guy, and he's our friend, and the kids' uncle` I am struggling through a marriage break-up I never saw coming. Is it too much to expect a little support? I want to support you. I really do. Good, because I'm suffering here. Well, you shouldn't have gone home to a complete stranger's hotel room! (SCOFFS) Well, that's rich. Who went home with a bartender she met after she fell out of a toilet window? (SCOFFS) I now live with that bartender. I love that bartender. Yeah, well, I'm just saying ` you're not perfect. And it's that bartender's birthday, and I would rather be with him, instead of here, propping you up. I'm sorry if that's mean, but it's the truth. And you know what? There's another party out there, and I want to be there. Oh, fine. I'll just go outside and call myself a taxi then. No, I'll drop you` Forget it. It doesn't have to be difficult. It's divorce. 50% of the married population doing it. But she's turning it into a shit-fight. I imagine she would. You've met Julia? Dinner tonight. Oh my God. Ah, hence the change of plan. Sorry, Cara invited her. WHISPERS: Oh, excuse me. Thank God! I have to tell you about Dave's dad. Yeah, and 'Johanna'? She told you? Yeah. I wish she hadn't. Oh my God, Warren is over there talking to Phil. Julia's name keeps coming up. It's excruciating. Has Dave noticed anything? Not yet. You know, he thinks his dad is amazing. I could drag Phil away if you like. And what would that do? I dunno, make it less awkward? No. Phil! (CLEARS THROAT) Let's go outside and get some fresh air. Uh, sure. Popular lad, my son. Yeah. Yeah, he's got a lot of friends. I know all about them, because we tell each other everything. Is there somewhere we can talk? (CLOSES DOOR) Can we get this over and done with quickly? You're not a bit like your sister, are you? Look, Julia is not usually like that. It's the break-up with Phil. She's just confused. Julia and I are sorted. We agreed ` nothing happened last night. Except it did. We're both adults here, Cara. You know what I mean. You don't want Dave to find out. For his sake, not mine. I mean, you must've realised he's a bit of a mummy's boy. Oh, that's lovely (!) I'm not being a prick; I'm just stating a fact. He loves his mum. You know, Natalie thinks Dave's going through some older-woman phase. She hopes he is. But I get it. You're a beautiful woman. You clearly make my son happy. And I'll make sure I tell Nat as much when I get home. And in return, I cover for you? I don't think either of us wanna see Dave get hurt, and he would be if you start telling tales. Telling the truth, you mean. I love my wife, OK? Dave's young. I wouldn't expect him to understand. But you` Well, you know, you've got your way of facing your 40s; I've got mine. Oh! (SCOFFS) Cara, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Uh, no, I think you did. See, you can be honest. And don't worry. I won't say anything. I don't want to ruin his night. HIGH HEELS CLACK KEYS JANGLE LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES q Excellent party. STRAINED: Excellent dak. (LAUGHS) Dak? Has it been a while, mate? Since uni. (LAUGHS) I had to give it up. It made me too intense. (GIGGLES) CHUCKLING What's going on? Birthday party. Your partner? No, one of his mates. You're kidding. SEAT BELT CLICKS It's not even the weekend. It's always the weekend to Az` Aaron. (SCOFFS) I'm sorry, but that's just... off. You're pregnant. You're working full time. He should be taking better care of you. If it was me, I'd have you out of that dump in a heartbeat. It can't be. It is. It's him. (COUGHS) Who's 'him'? Miserable Michael. No way! He slept with Phil's wife. COUGHS: In the back of that same SUV. No shit? Do you want to go punch him, man? STRAINED: Nah, I'm good. I spewed on him once. What? WHEEZING LAUGHTER Hey, Betty. This is Aaron. Azza. Her partner. Michael. Her boss? And friend. I hope. Thanks for the lift, Mike. I'll see you tomorrow. HEELS CLACK POP MUSIC PLAYS DOOR CREAKS Hey. Everything OK? Couldn't find my girlfriend. Are you having fun? Yeah, 'course. Are you sure? Because you've been a bit quiet since you got here. I'm OK, Dave. Hey, and great party. Yeah, yeah. Um,... do you wanna bust out of here? What? I just keep thinking about those big plans you've got for me later. Oh. Well, we` we could sneak through the bathroom window. We could ` Mm. except those windows don't open. They're painted shut. BANGING ON DOOR Oh. Hold on! < BETTY: If there is sex or drugs going on in this bathroom, I'm gonna be pissed off! There's no drugs! I've got a baby on my bladder and it's not a fun time, and if you don't get out of there, I will smash you! Is she allowed to talk to me like that on my birthday? I think pregnant overrides birthday. OK. (LAUGHS) Dave, move it! BANGING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS I made a cake! CHEERS MAN: Has it got any weed in it? No. WIDESPREAD GROANS Blow out the candles, Dave! CHEERS, WHOOPING Speech! No, I'd rather just get wasted. SHOUTING, CHEERS ALL CHANT: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! OK, OK. Um, thanks to Azza for having the party,... CHEERS ...my, uh` my dad, who's flown all the way in from Malaysia,... WHOOPING ...and my girlfriend, Cara, for being awesome... CHEERS, HOWLS ...and everyone else for being here! Go hard! CHEERS You're welcome. Anyone want cake? Warren asked me not to tell Dave. No surprises there. You know, Julia reckons he does this all the time ` cheats on Natalie. I mean, how is that possible? How can you live with someone and not know that they're lying to you? Well, Phil didn't know about Julia and Michael. Yeah, that's true. Makes you wonder, eh? How much do we really know anyone? Oh my God, can you see that? That really big cake? I want to go to it. Are you stoned? Little bit. Oh great. Just when I need some serious advice. (SIGHS) OK, look. Do you think I should tell Dave about his father or not? Whoa! No, no, no, listen. As it stands, Dave is happy, Natalie is happy, Warren is happy. If you tell Dave, one way or another, all that happiness is gonna hit the fan. So you think I should just keep my mouth shut and live with the lie? Only if you can. Phil, can you see that? I can. I don't think I can get to it. WHEEZING LAUGHTER UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS, CHATTER Yo, Betty, you're not piking? It sucks being the only sober person in the room. Well, you don't need drink or drugs to have fun. (GROANS) Who told you that crap? But` DOOR SLAMS Excuse me. (LAUGHS) So, go on. What do you think of Cara? She's beautiful, son, and she's got her head screwed on. My report to your mum will be glowing. (CHUCKLES) Thanks. You're the best. Well, enjoy. CRASH! BOOM! TYRES SQUEAL All right, you got it, mate. Take it! Bro` GROANS Whoa! (LAUGHS) SHOUTING Grab the petrol pack! Nice, nice, nice! Get the truck! Nice! Nice! This is it! Let's get it, get it, get it. Yes! GROANS, GRUMBLES What the hell? Babe, we nearly clocked it! You're almost through the whole game? Logan said it would take weeks, but you only got it today. Ask Azza how long ago he got his. Betty, don't. Dave's been lying to you. He hasn't been working late. He's been here every night, playing this game, keeping me awake. Uncool. You just dobbed the guy in on his birthday. Party's over. Piss off! < DOOR SLAMS Shit. Dude. Laters. Bye. Didn't think you guys would still be up. We've been watching a movie. Dave, you appear to be topless. Oh, right. Forgot. Where's your shirt? I took it off. It got spilled on. Oh, hand it over, then. I'll give it a wash. I can't actually do that. Why not? Oh, it's, um... (SIGHS) Oh, just tell her the truth. It got trashed at the party. It what? I'm sorry, Marion. Are you? Really? Please don't be mad. It kind of itched. Kind of? (CHUCKLES) I imagine it felt like you were being rubbed down with industrial sandpaper. (CHUCKLES) And do you know how hard it was to find something that ugly? So much easier finding the mug to wear it. So you just... Joke's on you, birthday boy. Excellent, Gran. Goodnight. Goodnight. BOTH LAUGH The old bat. She got me good. Like you got me. Everyone's laughing tonight. No, Cara. I felt like such a dick. Why would you lie to me like that? I didn't mean to. I` I just... You said you'd be honest with me. You said no more secrets or surprises. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you. Yeah, me too. No more secrets. No more lies. That's a promise. OK. Now, about those big plans you had for me? Come on, then. SHERPA'S 'DAWN GLASS MORN' # Where is the dawn to help us through? WHISPERS: Betty? Hey. Everyone's gone. Hey, your boss, Michael, really likes you, eh? With his pay rises and his dinners out and his rides home. WHISPERS: Betty. Shut up. Betty. Move it or lose it! MUSIC CONTINUES Well, thanks for inviting me tonight. It was great. Except for how it ended. Poor Cara. Oh, they'll figure it out. They love each other. Yeah. Right, goodnight. # And then I made you cry. # And then I made you cry. # It was a glasshouse morning. # Oh no, that did not just happen. Uh, my fault. (CLEARS THROAT) No, it was really nice, but you're Uncle Phil, and I live with your wife, and Cara would never speak to me if... It's OK. You're right. Nothing happened. See you. (GROANS) Thanks. > DOOR SHUTS > SLEEPY GROANING Quite like being 25 so far. (CHUCKLES) Dave? Mm? You know what we were saying about secrets and lies? Yeah. Did you really like the cologne? 'Course. Loved it. (CHUCKLES) BIRDS TWITTER SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC Dave? Mm? There's something else. Yeah? Your father had sex with my sister in his hotel room last night. I'm really sorry. Captions by Alana Cruikshank Edited by Ashlee Scholefield. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015