. Feel me, dickbag? Whoa! Shit. I have a spare room. Yes. You tell her, or I will. If you're not going to tell me, I'll just ask your father. I usually find that people do like to come back for more. I'm leaving Natalie. I'm in love with Julia. Copyright Able 2015 Dumped by ultrasound. That's harsh. Betty hasn't dumped me. Sorry ` 'left' you. There's no full stop. CHUCKLES: So? Well, maybe she was writing the note, got distracted and didn't finish it. 'I've left you... a joint.' 'I've left you... some pizza.' Did she leave you any of those things? Nah. And you haven't seen her since...? Three days ago. (EXHALES HEAVILY) She's dumped you, bro. Hey, there's your dad. Oh f` What's he doing with Cara's sister? Mate. You haven't been answering my calls ` again. Have you told Mum yet? (SIGHS) You said you were leaving her, not hiding from her. What the shit? You're leaving Natalie? He is ` for Julia. What the actual shit? We can do this another time. So`? So your dad's with Cara's sister now? Does that make him a brother-father? Father-brother? Let's get back to your problems. Betty's dumped you. Hey, Dave, you attached to our vodka supplier? Got a good deal lined up. Yeah, whatever. Here, what do you make of this? Oh, it's a boy. Huh? I'm outta here. DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE Hey. You OK? Couldn't sleep. Oh, good. Everybody's here at the same time. I'm at a crucial moment, Gran. I need a new bikini. It's urgent. Mum said if I save the money myself for the plane ticket, I'm allowed to go and see Brody in Byron Bay. You said what?! QUIETLY: She'll never save the money. Dave, can you pass the milk? Hey, Gran, can I clean your car ` for pay? I don't see why not. Hello, Dave? The milk? What's wrong with Dave? Dave! Big mistake. For pity's sake! Mum! Tell them to stop! I am trying to say I wanted to tell you all something important! ALL SHOUT OVER ONE ANOTHER You're wasting all the Chocko Balls, and Mum only buys one box a week! Shitburger! Hello. I did knock, but... Mum! Hey. Awesome. You're here. He wouldn't take my calls. I didn't know what to think, so I just hopped on a plane, and here I am. Where is he, Dave? At his hotel? He checked out two days ago. So where is he? Look, it's` It's up to him to tell you... Tell me what? You're really worrying me, sweetheart. I thought you might need these. Mm. I might just leave them here. Up to him to tell you that he's staying with a friend. What friend? Guy from school. Warren never kept in touch with anyone from school. Except for James. I don't remember any James. (CLEARS THROAT) Um, I'm not sure... Or was it Jeremy? Yeah, yeah, we had dinner one night. Nice bloke. Eh, Cara? (MOUTHS) They used to go fishing together, and they were planning a trip. That'll be where he is. Warren was talking about getting back to the wild. There you go, then. And I told him to wait for NZ, cos there are no snakes. How about I swing by Jeremy's and see if his wife knows what's up? OK. I'll get my bag. No, no. You stay, relax after your long flight. Have a hot shower. Can I borrow the people mover? Thanks. (SMOOCHES) Right. Shower. You might remember where the bathroom is. Fresh towels in the cupboard. What are you doing? You're right; it is my Dad's problem. So I'm not gonna do his dirty work for him. Bloody arsehole. Bloody` Don't leave me alone with Natalie. Mummy. The cat bit me again. (SIGHS) I'll be back as fast as I can. I promise. (SIGHS) HORN BEEPS Got any space in that garage? New vodka. What's wrong with your garage? That's too obvious. Fell off the back of a truck. Yeah, whatever. I've gotta go. Nah, you` you help me unload! Sorry. Got a family emergency. Move your arse! What about my heart condition? Take it easy. Now move! Back soon! Yes, please! CAR ENGINE STARTS Ow! Mum. Mum, there's something up with my ruff. Mum. This is Rose. She's gonna help me clean Gran's car. Hello, Rose. Uh, weren't you supposed to do that by yourself? Why doesn't the cat like me, Mum? Can I move Gran's car into the driveway? You are not allowed behind the wheel of a car until you're 16. That's unfair! Demi's dad lets her drive all the time. Right, Rose? All the time ` legit. Do we have any starch? I wouldn't think so. In Elizabethan times, they'd starch their ruff. Fine. You'll have to move the car for us. Where's Marion? You put the plaster on the wrong finger. Here, let me help you with that. Your mum has a lot going on. Thank you. Mum's here. Where?! At Cara's place. She's just arrived, and she wants to know why you're not at your hotel. And what did you tell her? I told her that you went on a fishing trip with your friend Jeremy. That's a good story. She doesn't deserve stories; she deserves the truth. You can't treat her like this, Dad. It's just` It's wrong. DOOR OPENS Oh. Hello. Natalie's in Auckland. Oh, I see. It's time for me to be honest, sweetpea. Aw. You can do it, darling. BOTH MOAN SOFTLY Then we can move on with our lives. You're so brave. You're really going to do this? Hmm? Walk away from your high-school sweetheart, your wife, your soulmate. Shall we see what's happening on the cricket? RADIO BLARES Yeah, all right. COMMENTATOR: ...from Brendon McCullum, really putting the pressure on South Africa... That's one thing your mother won't miss. She hates the sound of the commentators' voices, she says. ...short and wide and cut the high. 24. What` RADIO SWITCHES OFF Don't do it. What? Forget Julia. Go back to Malaysia with Mum. I won't breathe a word about your fling, and I'll make sure Cara doesn't either. We can say that you went fishing with your friend Jeremy, and we can stop at a supermarket and buy a snapper. It's a bit dishonest. You haven't been being honest for years. You've been shagging around! And all that's about to stop, son. I've made up my mind. You would trade Mum for her? Do you actually know what she is like? I've been pretty accepting of your cougar-and-cub thing. Maybe you could show me the same courtesy, huh? WHIRRING More on this side. (SQUEALS) BOTH GIGGLE Hey, how much are you charging your gran? This was, like, half an hour's work, so, like, at least 20, right? At least. OMG. Who is the DILF? The what? Dad I'd like to` Ew. Gross! I hope you're being careful with tha` Oh. Sorry! It's so we don't scratch your car, Gran. Oh. > This is Rose. She found the thing about the leaf blower on Google. Hello, Rose. I'm Jasmine's gran. Oh, I love your garden gnomes. They're so cute. (CHUCKLES) We worked really hard. We even cleaned the hubcaps with a toothbrush. Don't worry. We used Dave's. BOTH LAUGH (CHUCKLES) Well, excellent work. Um,... here. Nice to meet you, Rose. Nice to meet you too, Jasmine's Gran. Oh, be sure to return Dave's toothbrush! $5? What the F? This won't even cover my texts to Brody, let alone the plane ticket. Ugh. So did you catch anything? Sorry? Fish. (EXHALES) Ah. So, Scarlett's at her LARP, and Logan's been picked up for soccer. Shall we go and get some lunch? Yeah, OK. Leave you guys to it. My phone's on. Call me. What's going on, Warren? . PHONE BLEEPS Dave's parents are upstairs having a chat, so just stay down here for a while, OK? You can do the people mover if you want. No, thanks, we're exhausted. And we're not doing it for five bucks. Mm. Slave labour. MOTOR RUMBLES, WHIRRS Your stepdad is so friggin' hot. He's not my stepdad. Does he walk around in his undies and stuff? Stop being such a sluzz! (SCREAMS) You needed to cool off! BOTH GIGGLE No! BOTH SCREAM LAUGHS: Oh my god! Nooooo! BOTH SCREAM HORN BEEPS Ew. Perv alert. Hey, mister? Want a car wash? Rose, what are you doing? Getting you to Australia. How much? 20 bucks. 25 if you want to stay in the car while we do it. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) I hope Julia's happy. It does take two. But we both know she's no angel. Neither is Warren. He's been cheating on Natalie for years. Keep your voice down. You know, maybe Julia's done her a favour. He's not exactly a catch. Shit. I'm sorry. Hey. Are you guys having a fight? No. Good. I need a woman's opinion. (GASPS) Aw! (CHUCKLES) Other side. Oh. What do you reckon she's trying to say? No, Dave. Pregnant chicks don't dump their baby daddies. Some women get a bit... funny when they're pregnant ` baby brain. PHONE CHIMES It's Mum. READS: The coast is clear. Well, let's go then. I'll call you later. PHONE RINGS I heard Betty ditched you via note. That's so '90s. I'm not ditched. Betty's got baby brain. It's a pregnancy thing. ANSWERPHONE: It's Betty. Leave a message. Me again. Call me, Betty. You've got baby brain. You need to come home. POP MUSIC BLARES What's going on? Oh, hey, Gran. We've started a business. Young lady! Can you come here, please? You may not understand this, but these men are not here to get their car cleaned. Yes, they are. We've earnt 40 bucks already. Is something wrong, Jasmine's Gran? Untie your t-shirt, please. Excuse me. What's your name? Gran! OMG! Shame-ola. Yes, that's right! Off you go! This is so unfair. We were working. For what charity? For, like, the poverty line. We were working for the poor children. Well, we'd better make sure that the poor children get their money, then, hadn't we? AMBIENT MUSIC Go on. All of it. But I'll never get to Byron Bay to see Brody. All of it. Oh, fine! You'll thank me one day. Doubt it. (SIGHS) GIGGLING WARREN: No, we can't. LAUGHTER Do we? We do. Yeah, but it's nice, yeah. Oh, hi, you two. Hey, uh, how was lunch? It was OK. How are you guys? We've never been better, son. We've had a really good talk. And Warren's finally been honest with me. About the mid-life crisis ` the existential crisis. You know? In my head. The internal turmoil inside my mind. Uh-huh. I told Nat how I was sitting alone in the hotel, thinking, you know, 'What's it all about?' Right. So then you...? Cancelled my flight and decided to have a bit of time out with an old mate. Fishing. That's the one. Get off the grid and see what life looked like. And how did it look? It was bloody empty, actually ` out there, I mean ` without my wife and my... career and my home. I realised I want for nothing. Nothing. Lucky you didn't go off and get a red sports car. BOTH LAUGH Oh. (CHUCKLES) See? I told you Dad. I told you she'd understand. (CHUCKLES) He did tell me that. Oh, and it does takes two. I've been a bit moody lately. You shouldn't feel bad, Natalie. You haven't done anything wrong. We should get out of here, Nat. Let's go home. Shouldn't we stay in Auckland a few days and catch up with our lovely son? I've done a lot of catching up. And I miss our place. OK. Do we need to pick up your things from Jeremy's? Dad and I can grab the stuff. You just stay here and do the flights online. Good thinking. Back soon. SMOOCHING Hold on! N` DOOR SHUTS Great. (CHUCKLES) All's well that ends well. Yes. I feel I may have overreacted a little, jumping on a plane. I don't know. (CHUCKLES) I'll sort out those tickets home. Hey, are you OK? PHONE RINGS Betty! Stop calling me. You called me. To tell you to stop calling me. What's going on? Didn't you get my note? Yeah, and now the douchebags at the bar think you've left me. (SCOFFS) I have left you, dumb-arse. But we're having a baby. Why would you leave me if we're having a baby? Because you're not good father material. Eh? Our son needs a good role model. Son? (CHUCKLES) For real? Ready. What are we having? Seared rib eye; we need to keep those iron levels up. Who's that? Michael. You`? Your creepy boss? What's he doing there? Waiting on me hand and foot. Why is he at your grandma's? I've got to go. My lunch is ready. PHONE BEEPS PHONE BEEPS What did she say? Hugo was right. It is a boy? And Betty has dumped me. Oh. You two need to clean up out here. What do you want from us? Haven't we done enough? I'll open the garage door for you. This sucks. Wasting our Saturday to give all our money to some stink charity. Mm. And Brody still hasn't replied to your text. FYL, babes. (SIGHS) FML. What are those? (GASPS) OMG! Sweet! It'll be Dave's. He owns a bar. StepDILF owns a bar? Ew. Don't call him that. (CHUCKLES, GASPS) What are you doing? Rose. Ugh! Nasty. Here. You go first. Dave will know we've opened them. There's like a million bottles here. He's not going to notice. I'll post it on Brody's page. He'll think you're totes wild. (SIGHS) OK. Pic or video? Pic ` HD, please. With the Jerry filter. OK. Ready? Uh-huh. CAMERA CLICKS (GIGGLES) . CAR ENGINE SWITCHES OFF Who are you texting? Your mother ` reminding her to book business class. (exhales) Thanks for having my back, by the way. What changed your mind? Natalie ` looking so vulnerable and worried. I realised I'm a lucky man. I love this woman. And I don't wanna break her heart. Well, then it's a good job you're bailing straight away. You think Cara might say something? I'd be more worried about Julia. You want me to come in? No. I can handle this. She'll understand ` 26 years of marriage. Dad. When you tell her, make sure she's not near anything sharp. You think she might hurt herself? Not herself, no. Booked. Tomorrow morning. Oh, good. I hope it wasn't too expensive. Next-day business to Kuala Lumpur? Eye-watering. Oh. (CHUCKLES) Oh, you don't have to do that. It's a novelty. We have staff in Malaysia. Oh, that must be nice. (CHUCKLES) Look, Cara. I'm aware that in the past there's been some friction between us. Oh, like when you paid for Dave to go across the world to, uh, get away from me? Well, that bit me in the backside, didn't it? He didn't get on the plane, and I wasted quite a sum of money. But he's doing so well now. He's got his own business. Bank loan, long hours. Sense of achievement, success, responsibility. That too. He loves you. I love him too. He's his father's son, all right. These Robinson men, they're stayers. (CHUCKLES) So I guess, you and I, we'd better call a truce, hadn't we? Cara? I, um` (CLEARS THROAT) I need to have a word with you. Is everything alright? Everything's very good. (CHUCKLES) OK. It appears that my Hello Percy video clips have made me a tidy sum, so` That's amazing, Marion. Um, Marion does these handy-hint clips on Oh. Cara, I'm going away. I'm sorry? Well, it's Percy's idea. He said why don't I embrace the old Kiwi tradition of the big OE? (CHUCKLES) The big OE? Every NZER has to do it at some stage. Could you tell my son that? (CHUCKLES) So I'm off! Wait. Wait. Um... (CLEARS THROAT) What? To Canada to meet Percy. And then we're going to take a cruise to Alaska followed by a road trip across America. Then Mexico, then back to Canada and then to England and Europe and then home. But when? I leave in two weeks. But I'll be back before Christmas. Or Easter. But` But` Cara. The children are getting older, and you do have Dave to help. Uh, doesn't he have enough responsibilities? But Percy ` you haven't actually met him in real life. Oh, now, Cara. I don't give you grief about your relationship. Anyway, I'm going to be out and about today so I can pick up Logan from Abbey's place and, uh, Scarlett from her LARP, if that's any help. Thank you. Well, it's all go around here, isn't it? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. PHONE CHIMES PHONE CHIMES What are you doing? I'm waiting for Dad to finish with Julia. Ew. Not like that, you... Oh. He's breaking up with her. He's going home with Mum. Shit. He has been in there for ages. What if she's done something to him? Well, Basic Instinct is one of Julia's favourite films. Basic Instinct ` Sharon Stone? Oh, right. The old one where she does that thing with her` with no` no knickers, to the cops. Yeah, and the one where she does that thing with the ice pick to the men she's sleeping with. Jesus wept! What the`? Where are your pants?! Uh-oh. Change of plans, I'm guessing. You were supposed to be telling Julia you're staying with Mum. Well, I'm still trying to find the right moment. JULIA: Warren? Who are you talking to? Is it really the right move? I mean, if you think about it` Bullshit! Coffee? Oh, no, thank you. Wine? I'm good, thanks. Good. Might have a small one. ANSWERPHONE: You've reached Warren Robinson. Leave me a message. Straight to voicemail ` again. Right. Where does Jeremy live? I'm not sure. I thought you said you went to dinner with him. We went out. I will call Dave and see what's holding them up. Hi. Hi. Uh, your mum and I were just wondering where you are. I'm at work. Because...? Because I just had to do something. Had to do what, darling? Get completely shit-faced. Oh, good. Uh, so how far away do you think you are? He's changed his mind again. He's staying with Julia. I see. Um... I was waiting in the car thinking he was packing his bags, and instead he was shagging your sister. So... 20 minutes? Half an hour? I'm sorry, Cara. I just... I don't know what to do. Can I just speak to him, please? Oh. I hung up. Sorry. I just need to... I'll be right back. Here. This'll make it go down way easier. Watch out. It's Mum! PHONE CHIMES Hello, Cara. I have Natalie in my house. Yes. It's all a bit awkward, isn't it? Warren hasn't told her that he's leaving her! He's trying to find the right moment. Now! Now is the right moment. OK! OK. I'll pass you over. Hi. You need to get back here right now. Dave is at the bar, drinking, and you're there, doing whatever you're doing, and I` I did not ask for this. This is not my mess to sort out. That's a fair call. So please, please just do something. Will do. Bye. I won't be long! I know you think I'm a bit of a bastard, but I` Sod off. Double scotch ` neat. Dave, listen. I'm sorry. But I'm in love with two women, caught between two lovers, and I don't know what to do. You drink, my man. Drink. Has your wife met Julia? Good God, no. Well, you hear me out for a second. There's this couple in Sweden. Oh, I` I suppose they'd be called a throuple. Well, they share everything; uh, they share the kids, pets, but they also share the same` Hugo, no. Let the man finish. No. You are not taking marital advice from him. Look, it's quite simple. If you are in love with two women, pick the one that you are married to, the one you have a son with. I know we live miles apart, but we are a family ` the three of us. And if you walk away from that... Shit. Dave, I'm sorry. You're sorry for choosing Julia. That I've put you through all this. You and Nat, you're my people ` of course you are. This is a really beautiful moment, guys. Sod off. Bugger off. So we go back to Julia's, we get my luggage, and I tell her it's over. We just tried that. No, but this time I won't sleep with Julia. Plan B ` forget your luggage. You can get new stuff. We bypass Julia altogether? Complete bypass. That is cowardly. But it does play to my strengths. And no calling or sexting her on the way. Delete her number. Oh, I can't. Yes, you can. My phone... Where is it? It's with my reading glasses and my passport. Tell me they're not at Julia's. Ballsacks! . Just keep stalling. I'm calling you from the toilet. I so didn't need to know that. I swear your mother is looking straight through me. Hang in there. We're on the home stretch, babe. I am not a moron, Cara. Just tell me what the hell's going on with my family. Passport. Kitchen bench, beside the fruit bowl. Phone. Master bedroom, bedside table ` side closest to the window. And glasses? En suite? You really made yourself at home. What are you gonna say to Julia? I can handle Julia. MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES I still think you should be coming with me! Jen! JEN: Sorry? Healthy me, healthy you. You should be coming for a run. (GROANS) (SIGHS) Or at least your bum should be. (LAUGHS) My bum and I are happy here. It's ironic, isn't it? When you're not getting any sex, you feel sluggish, you feel unattractive, and because you feel unattractive you go for the ice cream, you go for the wedges. And when you're full of crap food, exercise is the last thing you feel like doing, so then you get even more unattractive and even less likely to pick someone up. (SIGHS) I'm not talking about you, by the way, just people in general! (SIGHS) I've probably offended her now. FUNKY MUSIC # I hear someone talking, but there's no one here. # Keep on moving. # Go to automatic. # Know you can't do it if you're in automatic. # I know you do well if you don't think about it. # Stay in automatic. # I said automatic. # Keep on. # (FARTS) Shit! Jesus Christ, Dave! What are you doing? Sorry. Nothing. Scuse me! You come back here! I'm grabbing Dad's things, because he can't be trusted to grab them himself. And I've got a taxi downstairs, so` (GASPS) He's doing a shag-and-run? Bastard! Isn't he even gonna tell her? That's what you get when you hook up with a mid-life crisis. What am I gonna tell Julia? She thinks they're going out tonight. Tell her to stay in and clean under her bed. By the way, you fart like a man. Oh! AMBIENT INDIE-ROCK MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES # Wake up now. You're wasting time. # You have no hope. You can't take mine. # I don't know what's in your head, but I know what's on your mind. # You woke up feeling not yourself, # and you don't really wanna be anyone else. # Huh! What are you doing? Cleaning. Why? Cos I wanna be good father material. Really? You OK? AMBIENT INDIE-ROCK MUSIC RESUMES Ugh. When's it get fun? You're not having fun? (EXHALES HEAVILY) What? Thank you, son ` for bringing me to my senses. I did it for Mum. The only woman I'll ever need. Mid-life crisis over. Come here. No. You're bad. You are a terrible dad and an awful role model. If I'm so bad, how come you turned out so good? I mean it. And you don't get to make everything better by being all... Proud? You were brilliant. Don't be proud of me for lying and deceiving; be proud of me for owning my own business or staying loyal to my girlfriend or helping to raise three great stepkids. Oh. (COUGHS) (GROANS) (CHUCKLES) It's like he's fishing in your puke. CAMERA CLICKS Sorry we took so long. Yeah. Jeremy's buggered off out of Auckland. But he said he'd send Dad's things over. So how'd you go with the flights? Forget that. Tell me about Julia. You left me alone with her! I have been busting my balls trying to keep my mum and dad together. How? By sticking your head in the sand, hoping it's all going to go away? And hiding under your sister's bed listening to her go on and on about` Oh, hold on. What were you doing under my sister's bed? I had to get my Dad's passport back. So, what, you just broke into her home? Dad gave me a swipey. You know what? Natalie was right; you are your father's son. And your father's an arsehole! WARREN: I'm sorry that you're angry. I really wanna storm off right now but your parents are breaking up in my living room. Storm off into the en suite then. I've already been trapped in there once today! Fine. Next time you gotta eat something first. There's not going to be a next time. Mmm. Oh my God, that's so what I needed. No. For Brody ` your first hangover. Do the finger. You're so cool right now. Yeah. Pity I'm never gonna see Brody again. You know Annabelle O'Hara's older brother? Well, he got paid $2000 for some gay dude to take pictures of his feet. My toes are too weird. What about selling your hair? Like Anne Hathaway. Will Brody still go out with you if you have short hair? (CHUCKLES) Oh my God. I know what we can sell. And every stupid boy we know will wanna buy it. Our second-base virginity? No. I'm not selling my home-base virginity. Ew! Don't make me barf again. (CHUCKLES) What's in the garage? OMG, you're the brainiest. BOTH CHUCKLE Is everything OK? Warren and I have come to an agreement. We're flying out tomorrow morning. So you're...? You haven't...? Obviously there's still a lot to discuss. But we'd rather do it at home. Sorry about the intrusion. We'll get out of your way. That's OK. You're more than welcome to stay. I think we'd rather stay at a hotel tonight. Sure. We just need to collect Warren's things from your sister's house. Well there's no need to bother. I can buy new` I don't want years' worth of birthday and Christmas presents hanging in another woman's closet. Actually, I don't think that's appropriate. I would like to see her. Of course you would ` tell her what you think of her. It's my marriage. And my sister. I'll go! No, you won't. Julia's been hurt by this too. You go. Live your lives happily ever after. I will look after my sister. Thank you, Cara. Tell her that I'm- I don't think there's any need for further communication. No, of course not. Right you are. We should name him after Richard Hadlee. Richard? Nah, Hadlee. No way. But then he'd grow up to be a first-class bowler. I knew you hadn't left me. Yes, I have. Hey? Why do you think I'm getting dressed and going? You're doing the pizza run, aren't you? I'm going back to Michael's. Why? It's warm, there's no leaky roof, there's a fridge full of food and a bed that doesn't stink of bong water. But we just had sex. (SCOFFS) You know, the first three months of this stupid pregnancy, sex made me sick. But now... I was standing in Michael's kitchen when he brought in these vegetables from the garden, and suddenly I was so horny, I thought about... What, you'd have sex with Miserable Michael? No! The vegetables? I came here instead. But if you're gonna get all emotional. You're using me for sex? Got a problem with that? Guess not. Good. What kind of vegetables were they? If you're saying I'm a better option for sex than a vegetable, I at least have the right to know what kind of vegetable. Betty! DOOR SHUTS . Oh! GARAGE DOOR OPENS Shit. Hi, Gran! (CHUCKLES) Jas, I need to talk to you. I'll meet you at the park. Totes. She's going away. For years and years. Oh, no, Logan, not years ` months. Three months. Wait, what? Where are you going? To Canada and then round the world. To be with Percy. How can you abandon us? Scarlett. Darling, please. Will you buy us a present? (CHUCKLES) A whole suitcase full. Flying all the way across the world for love. YOLO, Gran. YOLO? That's inspiring. (CHUCKLES) Are you sure about this, Mum? I am. If you're just hanging in there for me. Sweetheart, you're 25. Well, yeah. Warren and I, we've made a fantastic life together. We've made a fantastic son together. And I'm not going to throw all of that away because of some little mid-life crisis. Mum,... (SNIFFS) remember when I first went flatting and I found a mouse in one of my socks? I took you for your tetanus booster the very next day. You also said that where there's one mouse, there's probably 10. Dad's affair` Please don't. But I` I need to see it as one little mouse if I'm ever going to forgive him. Oh, sweetheart. Are you disappointed? In Dad? Of course. In me. No. You just deserve better, that's all. Don't worry, I'll get years of good behaviour out of this ` years. Whatever he's done, your father, he's a good man, a good dad. I just never want to hurt anyone the way he's hurt you. Well, that's up to you, sweetie. Oh man. What a... ...bastard. ...arsehole. Julia's in there, getting ready for a night out with him. While they're at my house ` happy family reunion. Dave included? Look, I know it's not his fault that his parents are... the way they are. Gotta love the in-laws (!) Jen, which one of these shoes do you think goes be...? Hello. Would you like to help me choose my shoes, or shall we have another ridiculous fight? Shoes? Let's do this in your room. (GIGGLES) Yay. I mean, I think I quite like the stripy ones best, but I do know that you tend to like a bit of colour, so... # Everyone I know is lonely. (CHUCKLES) Cara, what are you looking at me like that for? I'm so sorry. # Every heart I know is broken # into shards innumerable. # Everybody has somebody # that they hold responsible. LIGHT MUSIC # Everyone I know is broken # into pieces big and small. # Everyone is waiting for someone # who will never, ever call. # And all those little pieces # on the chequerboard of me. # And every chance they get, # he's jumping high, # she's jumping here. # And all those little pieces # that you always hope will mend # every time you find a lover, # every time you find a friend, # every time you find a lover, # every time you find a friend. # Doo-doo-doo-doo. # Doo-doo. # Doo-doo-doo. # Doo-doo-doo-doo. # Doo-doo, # doo-doo-doo. # And all those little pieces # on the battleground of her. # And every soldier proud to kill... # Betty would rather that kid have no dad than have Azza for a dad. Stewie walked out on you and the girls when you were pregnant. And my parents are still together because Dad fools around and Mum feels like she has to accept it. Dave. I was wrong ` about you being your father's son. You're nothing like him. Really? Well, you're both tall. (CHUCKLES) Mm. But you, you're always trying to do the right thing. And you're only 25. Imagine what kind of man you'll be 10 years from now. I'm on a winning streak. MUSIC RESUMES Captions by Imogen Staines www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015